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Day 10 Assignments
Post your day 10 assignments here.
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CM 10: Please Exchange Critiques On Cycle 2 Scenes — Rewrite
LOGLINE: Half-brothers fight, perhaps to the death, over their father’s legacy — a multi-billion dollar bio tech firm, complicated by their recent discovery that Dad was trafficking illegal tech.
ESSENCE: After growing up the illegitimate-have-not, John wants his share. Working at the company for years, Nick feels entitled to make the decisions and refuses to let the illegal money-making continue.
SCENE:
INT. ZERO CORP CONTROL ROOM — DAY
A fire alarm BLARES on a top floor of the evacuated Zero Corp building. JOHN, 38, sits alone in the room at a computer terminal, hurriedly plugging his laptop into the main server. He quickly hacks into the server. SMOKE begins to waft up from the lower floors.
INT. HALLWAY TO CONTROL ROOM — CONTINUOUS
The alarm continues, NICK, 40, gun in hand, runs up to the sealed Control Room door. He plugs in a security code and eye scan. The door opens and he bursts into the room.
INT. ZERO CORP CONTROL ROOM — DAY
BAM! Nick ducks as bullet goes over his head. He jumps behind a cubicle. John furiously downloads files while keeping a gun pointed in Nick’s direction.
JOHN
Stay back!
NICK
I just want to talk.
JOHN
Sure — that’s why you brought a gun. It’s a negotiating tool.
Nick peaks his head over the cubicle barrier and tries to diffuse the situation.
NICK
I brought a gun because you have a gun.
John points his gun again and Nick drops behind the barrier again.
JOHN
Stay where you are! I’ll blow this whole building if I have to!
Nick slides to the floor, leaning against the cubicle. He pulls out his CELLPHONE. It reads, “No Signal….”
NICK
As you’re in the building, I doubt that’s your next move?
JOHN
I have an escape plan. Do you?
NICK
Even if the bomb is real, you can’t trigger it from in here. The room is sealed with aluminum.
JOHN
But I’m logged into the mainframe.
Nick scrambles to a terminal and logs in. He quickly types, “Bomb wired to mainframe. Sever connection.
The sprinkler system goes off — it begins RAINING inside the office.
JOHN
Shit.
John scrambles — he finds an umbrella under the desk and props it over the system he’s hacking.
As the water pours down from the sprinkler system, Nick sets his cell phone to RECORD.
NICK
The shares are yours. Dad wants you to have them. You own half.
JOHN
Half of nothing is nothing. Not if you expose Dad’s under-the-table deals, the press will make this place a circus. Zero Corp goes down in flames.
Nick simultaneously slides his CELL PHONE, still recording, close to John, while intentionally kicking a trash can.
The SOUND of the trash can alerts John who SHOOTS in Nick’s direction. It was a warning shot, aimed high.
JOHN
The fire was fake, because I needed to clear the building. The bomb’s real. Don’t make me use it.
NICK
We can save the company. Sure, we’ll take a hit in the short-term. We can do it together.
JOHN
I work better alone. And if I let you expose Dad, we’ll be criminals. We’ll be sued for billions.
NICK
We own unrivaled tech. I know what this company’s worth. I know what it’s capable of accomplishing. We can rebuild.
JOHN
Says the guy who lives in a penthouse. You’re giving me half the liability. You take down Zero Corp and it doesn’t change your lifestyle one bit.
NICK
You aren’t exactly starving. I’ve seen the operation you built. You impress me John.
JOHN
I built it by myself — no resources, no Ivy League education, no help — and I still don’t have a tenth of what you have. You walked into it. You were handed the company.
NICK
I’ve invested years! And created valuable IP!
JOHN
You were made CEO in your second year. Dad, told me everything.
NICK
Dad didn’t know everything — he wasn’t around. I personally developed our most profitable tech!
John begins deleting files from the server once they’re downloaded to the laptop.
JOHN
There he is — the entitled rich boy. And now you’re ready to smear your own father’s name — I won’t let you destroy Dad’s legacy.
NICK
I don’t want blood on our hands. I don’t want our legacy to be servicing dictators!
JOHN
What about Dad’s reputation? And what about your daughter’s future? The truth is you don’t want to share with your illegitimate brother.
NICK
Bullshit! I’m giving you half of all the patents. Legitimate patents!
JOHN
You’re not giving me anything. I own them, remember. Co-heir.
NICK
I created them! My blood and my sweat! I did the R and D, applications, marketing and closed the deals!
JOHN
You were given the best education, money, time, resources, experts, not to mention the industry contacts. And then you convince yourself that you’re better than the slob on the street who’s got to hustle just to pay rent.
NICK
I wasn’t handed the patents, but I I’m handing them to you — because you are co-heir.
JOHN
And now you’re going to get them seized by the government.
NICK
OK, what if you’re right? What if we just clean up Dad’s dirty business? We quietly cut them off. Then, we start over, together. You get access to the resources and the contacts.
JOHN
What if they don’t want to be cut off?
NICK
I’m not afraid of them. Don’t let the client own you. We run the business the way we want to run it.
JOHN
Your change of heart comes a little too easy.
NICK
I have my daughter to think about. Protecting her future. I don’t want the stench of this mess following her.
JOHN
I’ve seen the books. We’d bleed millions — and fast. A little hard to explain.
NICK
We’d survive. It’s a private company. I don’t have to explain my decisions.
JOHN
Rich boy’s back. You forget, it’s our company. And as your partner, I’m not agreeing to bleed.
NICK
You can’t tell me you want their business! Now that you know who these guys are?
JOHN
Has it ever occurred to you that our government is just like “these guys,” and the only reason it’s illegal to do business with “these guys” is because our government doesn’t want the competition.
NICK
You don’t believe that. And you can’t destroy all the evidence. Even if you blow the building and kill me, it’s still gonna get out.
JOHN
I don’t want to blow the building. I don’t even want to kill you. And I certainly don’t want the evidence destroyed. You under estimate Dad.
NICK
What’s that mean?
JOHN
Dear ol’ Dad got in bed with some top officials. Not just our mothers.
NICK
Shut up!
Nick looks around a corner at the cell phone. He begins to slowly move toward John to recover the cell phone during the following.
JOHN
Truth hurts. I know. Let’s just say, that key members of the Senate are very invested in this piece of business not going public. So I’m not destroying the evidence, I’m keeping it safe so it doesn’t hurt them. And us. And you will keep your mouth shut, because, as CEO for the last 10 years, no one’s going to believe you aren’t involved.
John glances over and sees Nick sneaking closer. Suddenly, he sees Nick’s cell phone. Nick lunges for it.
John tackles him. They’re in all-out dogfight over the cell phone.
Meanwhile, John’s laptop finishes downloading all the evidence.
Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved
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David Kandel’s critique of Syd Burtner’s Cycle 2 scene.
Syd, I really like how you blast right into the scene — very exciting and dramatic. You got me hooked right away. You might want to include in the description that John has a gun sitting next to his computer. It wasn’t clear when I read the scene for the first time that John fired the first shot because Nick was described as the one with the gun in his hand.
I think it’s visually quite funny when Nick turns on the sprinkler system and it starts raining, then John opens an umbrella. Nice integration of absurd humor in a very tense situation.
I wasn’t sure what John was trying to accomplish. He wants to destroy evidence, but does he actually want to clean up the busines and make it legit?
You clearly hit all of the traits for both characters which was exactly what we were supposed to do. Very good job with that! John’s lines and his actions demonstrate that he’s daring, distrustful, loyal, and a loner. Nick is portrayed as confident, conniving, rebellious, and somewhat giving.
Toward the end of the scene, it appeared as if Nick and John started to understand each other’s motivations. I understand why Nick would want to record the conversation, but John’s last speech seems to make sense. Wouldn’t his plan protect them both?
I know there is only so much one can put into a 5-page scene, but you captured the traits exceedingly well.
With regard to where to place our work in the forums: it’s not very clear, is it? It’s rather frustrating.
Also, thank you for your comments on my scene. They were spot on. It’s weird for me to write a scene about characters I don’t particularly like in a plot that I would never write, but it’s a valuable exercise that is helping me with the screenplay I’m working on now.
I haven’t noticed many other people posting their work. Have you? Am I missing something?
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