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Day 10 Assignments
Post your assignment by replying here.
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31 Replies
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Rebecca’s QE2 Rewrite Exchange
Logline: A steel company operative meets with his hired spy for a report and to test the man’s veracity and loyalty before assigning bigger jobs.
Essence: Big John tests his instincts about his hired undercover agent as to character and reliability of information he shares.
Scene:
INT. WAREHOUSE OFFICE – DAY
1928, Pittsburgh. BIG JOHN, over six feet tall and most likely 300 lbs. or close to it, balding but with a full mustache. He wears a tailored suit that fits his bulk and sits at a large desk filling most of the small office. He places a fifty dollar bill on the table and piles a few dollar bills on top before covering the pile with another fifty. A squat man with shifty eyes stands in front of the desk. Boss smiles and tosses him a twenty dollar gold coin.
BIG JOHN
Give this to the guy outside when he enters.
Big John turns his chair away from the door. The shifty-eyed man pulls NICK, short but buff, inside. He removes the hood from over his head and slips him the coin. Nick pockets it. Standing in front of the desk Nick’s weasel eyes ogle the stack of fifties. Big John turns to face him.
BIG JOHN
What do you have to report?
NICK
Nice to see you too.
John says nothing but continues to smooth the pile of money.
NICK
What no greeting? Always down to business. I don’t even know your name.
NICK stalls but puzzles over Big John. John rolls the money into a big wad and secures the roll with a rubber band and places it in his right jacket pocket.
BIG JOHN
So talk.
He picks up a newspaper from the desk and hands it to Nick who quickly scans it.
NICK
Remember my last report.
BIG JOHN
When you let the prisoner escape and allowed yourself to be locked up in your own jail?
He smiles. Nick, agitated, his face between anger and control.
NICK
No, I warned you about Bucholtz, that he murdered a scab and blamed it on the Breaker Boys. You told me to take him out. True?
BIG JOHN
Yes, but, Bucholtz ended up getting trampled by his horse.
NICK stumps his forefinger at the article.
NICK
It was me. I did this, not some god-damned horse.
Like a change in the wind, Nick smiles and chuckles as he hands the paper back to John.
NICK CONT.
So, I did a pretty good job, don’t you think? I told you, I’m pretty clever at this stuff.
BIG JOHN (deadpan)
Along with the luck of the Irish or did you train the horse?
Nick chuckles.
NICK
Good one Boss.
BIG JOHN
Tell me about it. How you pulled it off. Then I’ll decide how clever you really are.
Nick agitated again, rolls up his eyes, before closing them to review the events of the rally and putting his twist on it.
NICK
I marched in the rear as we led the scabs from the train station to the company store. I slipped inside the mule shed and put on a ragged miner’s jacket, a stocking hat, and green scarf to ward off the cold wind. I put a rock in one pocket and brick in the other.
I exited the back of the shed and sneaked on to the porch of the store to be horse height.
NICK pauses and reads his boss’s face to see if he’s buying it.
BIG JOHN
Hmmm, go on, tell me more.
NICK
I knew Bucholtz would be three sheets in the wind, not too steady.
Big John interrupts.
BIG JOHN
Did you supply the liquor?
NICK
I did. After the ruckus started, Herr Bucholtz rides in like the big hero to save the day. He pulls a gun on the lead picket, but before he can shoot, Bam, I bean that asshole with the rock. He sways in the saddle, the gun goes off in the air, the horse rears up, and Bucholtz falls off. The poor frightened horse flails his hooves on the man’s face while seeking escape thorough the crowd. I used the distraction to smash the sonofabitch’ s windpipe with the brick. I ditch my outer clothes, race through the crowd to catch and comfort the horse. Some dumb hunky squats down beside Bucholtz’s body. I says to him, is he dead? The man nods. I calmed down the horse and after first checking him for injury, we rode back to the Curtisville barn.
Big John sits in his chair stroking his chin.
BIG JOHN
That’s quite a story. Give me the coin.
NICK
What coin? I don’t have no coin.
BIG JOHN
I must admit, I had my doubts about you. But, I’m impressed with your skills on how you pulled it off—quiet, sneaky, leaving no trace. Good work. You will be justly rewarded as promised.
A slow sly smile slinks across Johns face, a first for Nick to see. His day just got better with the promise of a big payoff.
NICK
(grinning back)
Great, do I get another assignment?
BIG JOHN
Not so fast, what about the man who trained and organized the pickets? Who is he? Did you get a name?
NICK
Not yet. Those miners are a tight-lipped bunch.
BIG JOHN
Then you didn’t finish the job. I need you to identify the organizer. Find out if he’s the same man who brought the Red relief into Russellton. Bring me better results next time. Get me a name and you remain a free agent.
NICK
I want my money.
BIG JOHN
Not until I get a name.
Nick paces in front of the desk.
NICK
Ok, I was saving this for next time. Tony, Tony Gentile. There’s your name.
Big John folds his hands over his giant belly, rolls his eyes up to the ceiling, and rolls his tongue along his lips. As Nick watches his face, John unfolds his his hands under the desk. He shakes his head in no.
BIG JOHN
Nick, Nick, Nick. When does it stop?
NICK
What stop? You wanted a name, I gave it to you. Where’s my money?
Nick, ready to explode, moves closer to the desk.
BIG JOHN
Is Gentile a boxer with red hair? I don’t think so. The name Gentile, Italian isn’t it? The one I’m thinking of works for the union, a college boy, not strong enough to beat up a boxer as good as you say you are.
Nick breaks.
NICK
You fat son of bitch. I’m tired of your shit.
Nick lunges across the desk his hands around John’s throat. John stabs him in the groin. Nick lets out a blood curdling scream and backs off. Two burly bodyguards rush inside and block the door.
BODY GUARD
Problem boss?
John waves it off . He removes the wad of cash from his right pocket and tosses it to Nick bent in pain. Nick straightens to catch it.
BIG JOHN
Severance pay, Nick. Your services no longer required. I need someone I can trust.
Big John holds his thumb and pointer finger barely apart.
BIG JOHN
You came this close to me killing you today. You won’t be so lucky next time. If the police or any other government agents come sniffing at my door, you’ re a dead man. Even your mafia friends can’t save you.
Big John mentions to his body guards.
BIG JOHN
Ok guys, remove this piece of scum to the gutter where he belongs.
One man puts a hood over Nick’s head. They both escort him outside. Big John pulls a roll of money from his left pocket. He removes the rubber band and flattens each of the twelve fifty-dollar bills, stacks the cash, and puts it in an envelope that he places into his inner coat breast pocket. He stands, flashlight in hand, and turns out the lights.
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Rebecca, I love the mood of your scene, and the ways Big John and Nick try to come out on top in their meeting.
Nick’s traits — confidence, conniving (i.e., killing Buchholtz and blaming a horse) — really came through. Rebellious? Arguably, plotting and killing is pretty rebellious, and he argued with Big John, to boot. I didn’t see where he was giving, though. Your scene is pretty tight, and I’m not sure where you could have slipped that in. Maybe he’d have made sure Buchholtz’s kid (if there were one) didn’t see the body or he’d buy him a shaved ice or some such thing?
Big John seemed equally as conniving to me, and that’s not one of his traits. I’m also not sure where he showed loyalty. I didn’t get the feeling that he was ever going to pay Nick. He had oodles of distrust and daring (and nerve, when he’s attacked), though. Loner? Check.
Overall, I felt that the subtext for both was there, but subtle. Great writing and terrific scene. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks!
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Hi Hope, Thank you for your insightful feedback. I have brain stormed places to put in the missing character traits and can’t wait to write them out sometime today. Hopefully the changes will provide more clarity to what I intended. With gratitude, Rebecca.
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Great scene Rebecca — I feel a full script in the making wrapped around this — a terrific drama about the labor movement. The scene and characters feel pretty complete, and it gets hard (per Hope’s comments) to layer in additional traits. The ‘giving’ trait for Nick is pretty tough. And he isn’t really a rebel — but I could see him becoming one as a result of this scene. Is Big John a loner? He probably doesn’t have any love in his life, that’s for sure. I’m not sure in your rendition the trait ‘loner’ comes through. The interesting part (and challenge) re. these exercises is we might need to layer in traits even when they seem extraneous and go against the grain of the character as envisioned.
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Hi Don, I appreciate your feedback which agreed with hopes about Nicks giving not being clear as well as Big John’s loyalty to his bosses and being a loner. I have already brainstormed the changes needed but just need to write them sometime today. Thank you.
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Hi Rebecca,
My goodness another great period piece! I get the feeling of actually being there. Nick’s traits really come through, John’s traits came through as well. I do feel the loner trait came out in the end with the line “even your mafia friends won’t be able to help you.” That implies Big John is outside the law and outside other criminal organizations, that is so subtle that I almost didn’t pick up on it until the second read. Very suspenseful and wrought with imagery. The only thing i felt didn’t work for me and pulled me out of the story was the bit about the “coin.” I only have two solutions for fixing that, 1: get rid of it as the rest works great without the lines. 2: work it more into the story with the coin being a beacon or symbol that allows John to know Nick is full of it. Wonderful read and you hit so many interest techniques! Thanks!
Best
Doug
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I appreciate your thoughtful feedback.
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QE 2 Exchange – Don Thompson
LOGLINE: A nuclear terrorist has initiated the launch sequence of a warhead and possesses the code that can also deactivate the launch. He negotiates with a disillusioned and rebellious military specialist whose goal is to retrieve the code, disarm the missile, and take the terrorist into custody. Interestingly, they also have a shared history.
ESSENCE: Bad intentions lead to bad outcomes.
SCENE:
NICK, a military counter-terrorist specialist, has been called in to negotiate with JOHN, a nuclear terrorist who has activated the launch sequence for a nuclear missile and unless his demands are met will let the missile deploy against a major city.
John is in a secure room in a remote location (an electronics-filled cabin) where he has managed to hack into the highly compartmentalized computer system. His own computer is tapped into solar power with sequestered and encrypted satellite communications.
Nick approaches the remote cabin with several SUVs filled with BLACK OPS MILITARY PERSONNEL. Nick turns to his DRIVER as they pull up near the cabin where John is held up.
NICK (to the driver): We have contact with him?
DRIVER: Yes.
NICK: Patch me in.
CUT TO: John, inside the cabin, speaks to Nick over an intercom.
NICK (through a headset): John! What goes, brother?!
JOHN: Nick – is it really Nick?
NICK: Yeah, they called me in to talk you out of this nonsense.
JOHN: Good luck.
Beat. A BLACK OPS GENERAL walks up to the window of Nick’s SUV and glares at him. Nick nods to the General
NICK: So what’s the demand, big guy? A few million bucks? Make it easy on me.
JOHN: A few million? Holy shit you have to really think I’m an idiot.
Beat.
JOHN: I want fifteen billion dollars delivered to a variety of crypto accounts as specified in my communications of (looks at his watch) 15 hundred hours.
NICK: Ok, so you want to start a small country?
JOHN: How about end world hunger dude, or do something meaningful on climate change?
NICK: Well, I don’t know what the hell you want to do with 15 billion. All I know is you should have married Sally back in the day.
JOHN: Sure, bring up Sally you retarded asshole.
GENERAL (almost a whisper to Nick): Who the hell is Sally?
NICK waves the general away. Looks to the driver.
NICK (to the driver): How much is left on the clock?
DRIVER: Five minutes.
NICK (to JOHN): Ok John, we have five minutes.
JOHN (looks at the timer clock on a computer screen): Four minutes and forty-three seconds.
INSERT: The computer time reads: 00:04:42
NICK: I’ll give you Sally.
JOHN: You fuck head. You can’t give me anyone!
NICK: She’s yours. She will marry you. She will adore you and you won’t have to be a loner any longer. I just sent you a video. Play it.
JOHN notices something entering his inbox via his mail. He opens the video. SALLY appears.
SALLY: John, don’t follow through. I love you. Come back to me.
John LAUGHS and switches off the video.
JOHN: You got to be kidding me! Forget it – sounds like an SNL routine. I mean like as if she really means that! But, I do want you to send her 5 million when this is over. Bitcoin.
NICK: Play the rest of the video!
John hesitates.
NICK: Play it or they tell me she dies. Painfully. Slowly.
JOHN: Not even you could do that you asshole!
NICK: Well, yeah you’re probably right. Go ahead and blow New York off the map. Maybe it’s a good idea, after all, the cesspool that it is.
The General slaps his hand on his head, not believing what he’s hearing. He takes Nick’s handset and chimes in.
GENERAL: Listen you asshole – this is General Bacon and you better believe this Sally friend of yours is going to die slowly and painfully unless you do what we ask. I will personally watch as she writhes in pain and is raped at the same time.
Nick takes the handset back.
NICK: Listen to the video!
John clicks back on the video. A Japanese man appears next to Sally.
JOHN: Master Aikaido!
MASTER AIKAIDO speaks via the video (in heavy accent): John, surrender yourself. For me. For Sally. For the world.
JOHN puts his head in his hands.
Just then THREE MILITARY who have slipped in behind John at the cabin grab him and throw him to the ground. There is a struggle, and they pin John to the ground.
One puts a gun to John’s head.
MILITARY ONE: The deactivation code! Now!
JOHN: Fuck you.
BACK to Nick and the General.
NICK (to General): What the fuck sir! This wasn’t the deal!
GENERAL: We have one minute and 10 seconds.
INSERT: The computer time reads: 00:01:09
NICK: Give them the deactivation code, John. Then you and I can do have a match. I will help you get Sally back.
GENERAL (to Nick): What kind of fucking match?
NICK: A kung fu match. We both studied with Master Aikaido in Japan – when we were marines and when we actually stood for good in the world.
BACK TO JOHN. Long pause — John looks at the timer.
INSERT: The computer time reads: 00:00:15
JOHN (nods to MILITARY ONE). I’ll read you the code. Punch it into the screen on that monitor (nodes to monitor).
MILITARY TWO walks to the monitor.
JOHN: OK. Five-nine-six-eight-six-eight-six-three-five-nine-seven. Punch it in.
MILITARY TWO has punched in the code. The WORDS FLASH:
‘DEACTIVATION SEQUENCE COMPLETED’
JOHN: It’s done. Set up that match.
GENERAL (takes headset): Yeah, sure. Dispatch.
MILITARY ONE takes a handgun and shoots JOHN point-blank in the skull, killing him instantly.
GENERAL: He should have never trusted me.
NICK: He didn’t. He knew it was over. He was just being loyal to me. And his Master. Do you remember what that was like?
The General says nothing.
INSERT: The computer timer reads: 00:00:00
END OF SCENE
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Don Thompson.
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Don, your scene really has a lot of promise. This could be a terrific climax to a thriller setting two brothers against each with the fate of the U.S. hanging in the balance.
I agree with Rebecca that you’re using interest techniques well (e.g., the time limit is a great way to build suspense and point to a future).
But you can them John and Nick act out their traits even more, rather than point them out in the dialogue in on-the-nose ways (i.e., “you won’t have to be a loner”).
Could Nick’s conniving been shown by him turning the tables on John by blackmailing him? As brothers, would Nick have information that John wants more than blowing up strangers? Maybe Sally could work as a twist there. What if, say, she’s Nick’s ex and before that was John’s ex. Maybe it’s something else, but brothers typically have a lifelong history and know things and background about the other.
John’s loyalty trait to Nick and Sally, then, could show up. And so forth.
Good job! I look forward to reading more of your work!
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Thanks for the feedback, Hope! Appreciated! I’ll go thru each comment and process… 🙂
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Hi Don,
Interesting and thrilling read. There is much to unpack. Johns traits come out in his distrust of his “friend” and by being in the middle of nowhere you give us the loner trait. I just don’t understand why Nick has to affirm in dialogue what you have already stated in subtext. I felt it was overkill. Also it seems as though John is not at all surprised by Nick’s interruption, like he was expecting it. Also it seems that Nick was not prepared at all for his assignment, usually in situations like these there is a briefing and you would know the demands of the terrorist. However Nick’s conniving, confident and rebellious traits came out. Was the giving trait when Nick gives him an out? The twist with the general at the end was good, and looks like it could set up another conflict with Nick, if this was not the end of the story. You hit the essence of cat and mouse well and the setting was a great set up for John’s traits. Thanks for the fun read!
Best
Doug
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Thanks for that Doug – definitely some food for thought! The ‘overkill’ comment is something to be mindful of, for sure. The ‘giving’ was the bit about Sally… that as you indicated he’s giving him a way out.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by
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Interesting read. You really put in a lot of Maximum Interest Techniques to keep me interested. I would like to see more drama in character expression and dialogue. The dialog appears too light hearted for the situation, mention of Sally a distraction. The introduction of Master Aikaido brilliant. Focus more on the emotional connection between Nick and John through the values learned from their mentor. Rethinking the essence and purpose of this scene will guide you.
EG.Essence: Nick appeals to his distrustful friend to give up the code to disarm a nuclear bomb as the clock ticks by bringing up their bond with Master Aikaido to remind John of his honorable core.
Anyway, that is what I got out of your scene. You might let the men talk face to face, John allowing Nick into the cabin to negotiate. Tweaking the essence of the scene and visualizing yourself as John with his character traits, what would yours say? Do the same with Nick. Milk each role. Add facial expressions, quirks, vocal emotion, etc. to your action. The bones you created in this scene will allow for expression of all of the character traits of both men. Think about how powerful this scene can be and give it another try. You can do this.
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Great feedback Rebecca, thanks! I’ll definitely give this another go… 🙂
A little later today I’ll also go over your scene and provide feedback. Thx.
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QE 2 Cycle Exchange
Logline: Reeling from his father’s suicide, John tricks Nicholas into admitting he stole/plagiarized from his late father’s work to be awarded a $25 million grant.
Essence: Beware having the confidence that is caught in a trap.
INT. BANQUET HALL – NIGHT
ACADEMICS with bad haircuts and ill-fitting clothes CHEER and APPLAUD from their tables. Lots of opened, emptied wine bottles dot tables. Remnants of half-eaten rubber-chicken dinners are being collected by efficient SERVERS.
A banner – 25TH ANNUAL BELLBOLLEM GRANT AWARDS CEREMONY – sweeps across the stage, high above a podium.
Two men – ALEX MILLER (65) the CEO of the BELLBOLLEM PHARMACEUTICALS, and DR. NICHOLAS FITZMOCKER (45) — stand on the stage. Each wearing $2,000 suits, they hold opposite ends of an oversized $25 million award check.
Fizmocker beams. Accepts the applause as his due.
INT. BANQUET HALL – LATER
The night is winding down. A smattering of researchers, scientists, and academics remain, including Alex and Nicholas.
The men have pushed their chairs back from their table, ties loosened, guard down.
ALEX
Nicholas, brilliant, brilliant work. The HOPP will change the world.
NICHOLAS
There was never any doubt in my mind. Once I saw the possibilities of the Human Optimization Power Projection, nothing would stop me from publishing the research.
ALEX
And finding the funding.
NICHOLAS
Yes, and finding the funding.
They chuckle.
ALEX
Soon it will be Edison, Einstein, Hawking, and Nicholas Fitzmucker.
Nicholas smiles, soaks it up.
NICHOLAS
This $25 million is just the beginning.
Alex grows serious as DR. JOHN PIKE (30) joins them. Nicholas becomes still.
A younger, fresher version of the academia in the room, John sports a manbun and Κράτος (ancient Greek symbol for strength) tattooed on the inside of his wrist. The tat peeks out from below his $150 suit’s sleeves – the same suit worn over a T-shirt. A modern sleek PENDANT hangs around his neck.
ALEX
Dr. Pike! I thought you’d be headed back to the Congo, by now, rejoining the research team.
JOHN
And miss this celebration?
NICHOLAS
Please accept my deepest condolences, John.
Alex nods.
ALEX
How is your mother?
JOHN
She appreciated the flowers.
ALEX
From the entire Board of Trustees. Least we could do.
JOHN
Hmm.
John glances at Nicholas. Smiles coldly.
NICHOLAS
Dr. Pike, we were all shocked. So deeply shocked. Don’t hesitate to let me know how I can help.
Nicholas pulls out a business card, hands it to John.
NICHOLAS
Call my office anytime.
JOHN
You’ve already done enough, Fitz.
Nicholas tenses at the moniker.
NICHOLAS
I regretted not being able to attend your father’s funeral. I caught some of the livestream, of course.
JOHN
You look anxious, Fitz. Do I make you anxious?
Nicholas and Alex exchange looks. John touches the pendant.
NICHOLAS
(to John)
You’re risking a lot, being here, aren’t you?
JOHN
How so?
NICHOLAS
As the junior researcher on the team, you can’t have much time away from the field. The funeral was last month. Would you like me to call your sponsor? Arrange for more time?
JOHN.
I’m sure you’d like to do that. Perhaps arrange for permanent time off?
ALEX
Dr. Pike, you’ve been out of touch with, er, civilization for some time now. Have you had a chance to review Dr. Fitzmocker’s HOPP? Nothing short of groundbreaking.
JOHN
I’ve reviewed it. Closely. Congratulations on the $25 million.
Nicholas grins broadly.
NICHOLAS
Humankind’s future will be so much brighter with the Human Optimization Power Projection.
JOHN
Certainly yours will be bright.
NICHOLAS
And I’d be happy to take you on as a member of the team. If you can leave the Congo, that is!
JOHN
Didn’t HOPP come out of your earlier Formation-Optimization Protocol research?
NICHOLAS
That was a shadow of what was to come, yes.
JOHN
But it showed promise?
NICHOLAS
It was the basis of HOPP.
JOHN
That was when you on my father’s Grantway research team at the time. In fact, he developed HOPP, didn’t he?
NICHOLAS
What? No. I did.
ALEX
When Dr. Fitzmocker contacted me last year, I immediately recognized the promise in his research. I made sure Bellbollem Pharmaceuticals brought him on board.
JOHN
That was in October?
NICHOLAS
(squirms, looks away)
Oh, if you’ll excuse me. I see a colleague I’ve been trying to connect with.
Nicholas stands. John stands, too, blocks his way.
JOHN
Yes, in October. Two months before my father put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. One more thing, Fitz.
NICHOLAS
I really must catch Hans. He’ll be flying back to Europe this evening. It’s been good to see you, John. Even under these circumstances. Contact my office if you need anything.
Nicholas ducks John’s block, raises his arm to catch someone’s attention.
NICHOLAS
Hans!
A pudgy scientist across the way turns, scanning for who called his name.
John grabs Nicholas, spins him around. Alex gasps.
JOHN
Fitz, my father sent me an email the day before he died.
NICHOLAS
A final communique?
JOHN
(nose to nose with Nicholas)
My father mentioned you. A lot.
Guests turn toward the simmering brouhaha, ears pricked.
NICHOLAS
Step. Back. Research money has a tendency to dry up when junior researchers are unreliable. Or unstable.
John stands his ground.
JOHN
My father trusted you. He pinpointed the error in your shitty Formation-Optimization Protocol research when you contacted him for help. So why did you steal his research? And sell it to Bellbollem?
NICHOLAS
(sneers)
You can’t prove a thing. Your father was always ready to help. Ready to share his expertise. Well, he shared and I took it. He was nearly finished, but I took his precious HOPP across the finish line. Me. And you can’t prove a thing.
John lifts his pendant. Smiles. Presses it just right.
NICHOLAS V.O.
You can’t prove a thing. Your father was always ready to help. Ready to share his expertise. Well, he shared and I took it. He was nearly finished, but I took his precious HOPP across the finish line. Me. And you can’t prove a thing.
JOHN
(smiles)
No, but you can.
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Hi Hope,
Great scene, reminds me of the ending of “The Fugitive.” Very effective with maximum interest techniques. John’s character traits came through but Nick’s did not. I also had trouble finding the ‘giving’ trait, however I disagree with Rebecca, respectfully, I did find Nick to be rebellious, it was his the way he carried himself, smug and un-shamefully narcissistic. I love the new ending with the recording pendant. The cat and mouse essence wasn’t really there until the conversation between John and Nicholas really got heated. Have you tried playing with John being in the room the whole time, shadily in the back and Nick sees him making him nervous. Like at a table where he says some things to others implying Nicholas is suspect in his fathers death. Those are a couple of examples I can think of to bring up the quality of the scene. You could also add that his pendant is a wireless mic tapped into the PA system so everyone hears Nick’s confession except Nick. Regardless it’s a really good read and eyebrow raising in the end.
Thanks
Doug
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Great job with this, full of maximum interest techniques, set ups and pay offs, and expressing John’s character essence. I missed seeing Nick’s rebellious and giving traits. I see several places for expression in your scene. One line, “That was when you on my father’s Grantway research team at the time, ” confused me and interrupted the flow. Perhaps, having Nick’s recorded statement broadcast over the sound system for all to hear might add more surprise.
You might rethink your essence of the scene. To me it looked more like John avenging his father by tricking Nick into admitting his fraud and embarrassing him in front of his peers. Looking at the essence from that point of view might offer more opportunity to express Nick’s rebellious and giving traits. Over all, very well done.
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Thanks a lot, Rebecca. I love the idea of having Nick’s “confession” broadcast over the loudspeaker. When I read that earlier today, I gave it some (a lot) of thought. Something like that can happen if the scene moves up to the stage where the mike sits on the podium.
I’ve read yours through once and plan to read it again and offer some comments. Thank you again for the perceptive feedback.
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SUBJECT: Monica’s QE Cycle #2 Re-Write This Scene – Lesson 10
LOGLINE: A space cargo master must pick up a shipment of arms for his army but the arms dealer has a different agenda.
ESSENCE: John and Nick are lonely, each in their own way. So they choose to fight instead of getting to the core of their issues.
SCENE: A face-to-face standoff where the good guy must get certain info from the bad guy before the fight starts.
SCENE ARC: From just before the face-off to the good guy has the info.
INT. SPACESHIP – NIGHT
John maneuvers his spaceship to the docking port of a back water space station.
JOHN
This is the cargo ship Venuvian. Permission to disembark.
CONTROL TOWER
Permission granted.
JOHN
Thank you.
INT. SPACE STATION – CONTINUOUS
John secures his spaceship with state of the art locks. He posts two android guards inside the door. And two more guards outside the door. He disembarks and makes his way to the restaurant.
INT. BAR/RESTAURANT – CONTINUOUS
John sits down at the bar. Looks around. He peruses the menu. A hand slaps his back. It’s Nick.
NICK
(squeezes John’s shoulder)
Johnny! You made it. Hear the fighting is intense.
JOHN
(flicks Nick’s hand off)
Nick. I assume you have the cargo.
NICK
Have I ever not delivered for you?
JOHN
No. That’s why I keep coming back to you.
Nick indicates to the barman they’ll have two ales. The barman sets the green liquid down in front of them.
NICK
See the thing is. There’s so many wars going on that the price is double from when you called.
John sips the ale then spits it into Nick’s face.
JOHN
What?!
Nick takes a napkin and wipes his face off.
NICK
Double the price, Johnny boy. Or I sell to the Morivian security forces.
JOHN
They’re the enemy.
Nick shrugs. Sips his ale.
JOHN
Who are you sleeping with? One of Commander Nexxen’s wives?
NICK
You know I don’t swing that way.
JOHN
Not the rumour out on the frontiers. You’ll fuck anything that has legs. Two, four, eight…doesn’t matter how many.
Nick snorts.
NICK
I don’t worry about what people say. You, though should worry about your masters. What would they say if you returned empty handed just because you wouldn’t pay the price?
John swings his stool around to face Nick.
JOHN
There’s always someone looking for a pilot who’ll go where angels fear to tread. Especially if that pilot has a state-of-the-art spaceship.NICK
I put you in touch with the Arknons.
JOHN
And I won’t forget that. But I have a reputation you little slug worm. On time, on budget.
(beat)
So if I were you, I’d be worried about the trade commission, if you so much as over-charge me a mark.
NICK
(shrugs)
Like I worry about them.
(beat)
They have more important worries than little old me.
JOHN
Yeah!? Like what?
NICK
You don’t know?
JOHN
If I knew, then I wouldn’t ask. Would I?
NICK
The Andromeda trade commission is trying to take them out. War’s profitable and Andromeda wants a cut.
JOHN
Why?
NICK
No wars in the Andromeda galaxy. Evolved themselves right out of petty war. Well most of them anyways. There’s still some greedy devils in Andromeda. They’re the ones heading their commission.
JOHN
Why would you pick a fight with a bunch of lizards? The Lyran’s aren’t known for their sharing altruism.
NICK
Ah, Johnny, boy…don’t you know anything? The Lyran’s kidnapped Queen Bella. Andromeda put a bounty on the kidnappers head.
(slaps John on the back)
We could retire to a neutral galaxy, if we get Bella back.
JOHN
And you know where she is?
Nick examines his nails.
NICK
I need a ship.
JOHN
I need the weapons.
Nick slaps his hand down on the bar.
NICK
Tell you what. I’ll give you the weapons at the price agreed. But I tag along and we go rescue Bella.
Nick’s beeper goes off. He looks at it.
NICK
I’ll meet you at your ship in half an hour.
Nick saunters away. John watches him as he sips the last of his ale. Throws a few marks on the bar. Gets up and leaves.
INT. JOHN’S SPACESHIP – LATER
John paces the cargo bay door of his spaceship. A door opens. Nick leads a contingent of lackeys pushing carts full of weapons.
The weapons are loaded into the cargo bay. The lackeys leave. Nick hands John a tablet. John pushes a few buttons.
JOHN
Transaction complete.
NICK
Permission to board.
JOHN
Denied.
NICK
Denied?! What do you mean denied?
JOHN
I made a call. You conniving little rat. There are three trade commissions after you. And Bella is just fine.
The doors from the space station open. Six huge lizard-men enter carrying weapons.
NICK
What have you done?
JOHN
The Lyran security forces, I believe. Tell your story to them.
John pushes Nick off his loading ramp into the arms of the Lyran security forces.
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Hi Monica,
John’s traits really come out, especially the loyalty trait when he says “that’s why i keep coming back to you.” It’s a perfect example how to get the trait across without using the word loyal, it’s subtle subtext that reveals this trait. Great job! Then you have Nick conniving him into a situation of paying more for the “cargo.” It’s classic subtext of his character and it works in beautifully. However when John say’s conniving at the end it seems unnatural, take out the conniving in the line and it’s a pretty good line. John’s distrustfulness is on display in the end. You hit many of the interest techniques, especially intrigue. I really want to know what happens next. It almost feels like in John’s double cross is leading to a larger story with the two going head to head. Great job!
Thanks
Doug
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Thank you Douglas for your feedback. I appreciate it.
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QE #2 Rewrite
I’m pretty confused about where to post this assignment, this is the rewrite for the scene with John and Nick.
Also, I suck at this! I realized I have a pretty limited range, so I am extremely grateful for these assignments! I think about the character traits and the interest techniques all the time now!
Logline: John has kidnapped a woman and Nick must find out where she is.
Essence: Following the rules doesn’t always work.
INT. ICE CREAM PARLOR – DAY
The place is crowded with kids and their parents, every table taken and a long line waiting to order.
JOHN, late twenties sits across a table from NICK, late 30’s. They eat ice cream cones with one hand. Their other hands are hidden in their laps.
On John’s visible finger is a pin to a grenade.
JOHN
Thanks for the ice cream, but I know you’re not my friend. You’ve come for her, but you can’t have her. I promised my mama on her death bed I’d find someone to take care of me. She don’t want me being alone.
NICK
Hey, no problem. How about I get you another ice cream? We could sit here all day eating the best stuff on earth, for all I care. I don’t have any place to be. It’s just a little hard to enjoy myself when I know you’ve got a live grenade in your lap.
JOHN
Maybe I don’t trust you. You ARE a cop, aren’t you? Or you used to be. You got kicked off the force, ain’t that right? Damn. Must’ve done some bad shit for that to happen. Why don’t you tell me about it?
NICK
How about you put the pin back in the grenade? How about I tell you then?
JOHN
How about you show me your other hand and keep em both on the table?
Under the table, Nick fingers a revolver in his lap. Reluctantly, he raises his empty hand to show John.
The door opens and a young man, HANK, enters and joins the line of customers ordering ice cream. Neither Nick or John notice him. He reaches for his wallet in his back pocket and we see a GUN in his belt.
JOHN
Now tell me first. Then the pin.
NICK
(laughs)
So I get nothing for telling you how the force fucked me over and stole my pension?
JOHN
You see that nice family over there with all the kids? Blonde, pretty kids. Happy, bright little brats. How about I pick this grenade up and throw it right at their table? Go ahead, dare me you little fuck.
NICK
Okay, take it easy. You used to have a family, didn’t you? You’d hate for someone to blow them up, now wouldn’t you?
JOHN
Don’t go there. They love me. And I love them. I just can’t be around them anymore. She won’t let me.
NICK
Who? Who won’t let you be around them anymore?
JOHN
She loved ice cream. Rocky Road was her favorite. I love Rocky Road. I wouldn’t eat any other kind. I’m loyal in that way.
NICK
What is Mary’s favorite ice cream? You know her name is Mary, right? The woman you kidnapped.
A table of youths sitting near Nick and John leave. Hank licks his ice cream cone and sits at the empty table. He is within ear shot of their conversation.
JOHN
Her name’s not Mary, I call her Frannie. Tell me why you ain’t a cop anymore.
NICK
Frannie, isn’t that your ex-wife’s name? She lives in Chicago now, doesn’t she? With your two kids. Umm, Hannah and Chad, right? They’re still in grade school I believe. I’d be a shame if anything bad happened to them, don’t you agree?
John grabs the grenade and waves it above his head. Nick grabs his gun and points it at John.
JOHN
(Shouts)
You shoot me and you’re dead!
John climbs on top of the table.
JOHN
(yelling)
Don’t anyone move or I’ll blow the place up!
Everyone screams and cowers in the chairs or under the tables. Except Hank.
Hank stands and points the gun at Nick. Nick sees him and points his gun at Hank.
HANK
You fucking snitch. My partner is dead because of you.
JOHN
So that’s your story? You’re a lowlife snitch. Damn. I’d never snitch on one of my own!
NICK
Even when you knew what they were doing was wrong?
HANK
Lower your weapon!
Nick puts the gun on the floor and Hank rushes to him and cuffs him.
HANK
(to John)
Go ahead and blow up the damn place for all I care. I’m taking this shithead in.
NICK
Remember ice cream trucks when you were a little kid?
John frowns from an unpleasant memory. Nick notices.
NICK (CONT.)
I always liked the Good Humor trucks, ya know?
Nick studies John for a reaction.
NICK (CONT.)
Better’n Mr. Softy.
John’s body begins to tremble and his hand with the grenade begins to shake.
NICK (CONT.)
(quietly) Remember Mr. Softy? What did you like more, chocolate or vanilla?
Nick leans toward John.
NICK
(whispers)
402 Whittaker St. Chicago, Illinois.
John looks at Nick incredulously.
Nick smiles.
JOHN
You bastard. I’ll kill you right here and now.
NICK
Doesn’t matter. If they don’t hear from me because I’m dead, then your pretty little family is dead as well.
John looks defeated.
JOHN
Parking garage on 54th St and 10th. She’s locked in Mr. Softy truck #18.
(screams)
Now call off your goons!
HANK
Give me the grenade, first.
John starts to cry. Hank rushes to him and grabs the grenade. He reinserts the pin. Nick gets out of the cuffs easily and Hank hans him the grenade. Nick dials his phone.
NICK
Stand down. Check truck 18 in garage on 54th and 10th.
JOHN
You really are a cop!
NICK
How many cops would threaten you with killing your family?
JOHN
You’re just a liar. You never snitched on nobody.
Nick shrugs. Obviously.
NICK
What kind of a guy do you think I am?
John lashes out. He punches Hank in the face and he goes down. He lunges at Nick, managing to pull out the grenade pin. Nick throws the grenade out an open window and it EXPLODES behind a dumpster.
Cops enter, weapons drawn as John and Nick brawl on the floor.
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Hi Carolyn,
You’re doing great don’t get yourself down. Right out the gate you hit us with an interesting setting, suspense and superior position in the QE techniques. The fact they are sitting in an ice cream parlor with high stakes and then when you think he’s got a gun, it’s a grenade! Talk about bringing a knife to a gunfight type of scenario. John’s traits come out within those first lines, doesn’t trust cops, daring by pulling the pin in a crowded place, loner when he says his mom didn’t want him to be alone, and loyalty by doing his mom’s dying wish. So right there you got off to a great start. So no need to have him say “I’m loyal that way” it’s overkill. With Nick you can see him conniving with keeping the gun hidden from John, and he is confident enough to show both hands. Then he starts to talk John down in a way, until he sees Hank and then Nick’s subtext is in full form. Nick’s rebellious trait comes when he threatens John’s family. The only trait I didn’t find was giving except for the line where he asks if he can get John another ice cream. Big twists and turns at the end. You nailed the cat and mouse essence. I can’t wait to read more of your scenes.
Best
Doug
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Thank you, Doug. I appreciate your comments. I tried very hard to use all of the character traits and as many interest techniques as possible. The giving trait was hard and it’s true, the offer of ice cream was the only thing I could come up with. These assignment are challenging for me and I love it. Thanks for the lift!
Carolyn
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Kathleen S.
Lesson#8
QEcycle2
LOGLINE: John K. is a mail delivery driver who stops at the county Psych ward and takes a break there while talking to the patient, Nick S. and his doctor, Dr. Mann. Meanwhile, he is jumped and the patient escapes with his truck.
ESSENCE: This is what happens when a mailman is left alone with a nut, who talks him into letting his guard down.
SCENE:
The delivery man, John has to find the right person to give the package to and get his signature. A doctor tells him to wait and he’ll get the patient Nick. They have misjudged the nut who was capable of escaping and stealing the mail van after threatening John and stealing his clothes.
JOHN K.WHO IS A FED EX DELIVERY MAN IS DRIVING HIS VAN DOWN THE STREET ON HIS WAY TO THE NEXT STOP, THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
John K., is a mail delivery driver driving down a busy road on his way to the next stop. He’s listening to some music on the radio, and thinking about the long lonely hours in his van and empty soda can. The next stop is the county Psychiatric Hospital Ward room 324, and the package is a middle-sized box for Nick Scott. Traffic slows, and John sings along to a song…
John looks at the traffic and the empty soda can in his cup holder.
He starts singing in a low tone to an AC/DC song:
JOHN
“…No stop signs,
Speed limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel
Gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me around… !”
John slows the van and parks in front of the building. He gets the box out, and steps up to the sidewalk and heads into the front entrance.
JOHN
Hello, I have to deliver this box to patient Nick Scott in room 324. Can he sign for it, please?
FRONT DESK RECEPTIONIST
Hello, yes- let me see if Nick is available.
She dials the room.
No answer. It’s just around the corner if you want to knock.
Peering around the corner just down the hall there is a man overhearing this. He says to John,
DOC MANN
I’m Nick’s Doctor. Doctor Mann. Nick might be sleeping. I’ve recommended long rests for him. Wait- I think it’s best that he take it, then I can see if I’ll allow him to keep it.
JOHN
Let’s knock- I guess I can spare a few moments of time? Then I’ll have him sign for it. It’s better than having you sign for his mail don’t you think?
DOC MANN
His mother does if she’s visiting. She hasn’t been here in weeks.
John knocks on door 324.
DOC
You see, sometimes he’s not allowed to keep packages, especially when they’re full of home baked goods. Let me open the door and see.
Doc opens the door.
Nick, you’re awake! There’s mail. Look here-
Nick is wide awake and is dressed in his robe, sitting up on the edge of his bed.
NICK
Hello, Doctor! Hi there-
JOHN
Hi there! Sign here please, package for Nick Scott is that you?
NICK-
I don’t think I’m Nick Scott!
Just a moment- is it for me, really? My name is Don Pardo. Is this free?
DOCTOR
You’re name isn’t Don Pardo.
NICK
If it was, it couldn’t be for me. Tomorrow I’m a new man, right Doc- isn’t that now?
JOHN
If you’re name is Don Pardo, then I drive a white van.
NICK
It’s for you. As a present.
JOHN
I’m sorry but you must sign your name.
DOC
You’re Nick Scott.
NICK
Okay, I am.
Nick signs it.
Doctor, please let him stay and see what’s in the box! If it’s allowed… will you stay?
DOC
Of course it’s for Nick. Let me get you a soda my friend!
JOHN
Yes!
Doc hands John a coke.
NICK
Here-
JOHN
Thank you, it’s nice and cold. I guess it couldn’t hurt- a short break from my route.
Nick opens the box with excitement.
NICK
Fresh bakery. Here take some cookies- please!
Doc takes one, then John.
DOC
Thank you!
JOHN
Thank you!
Just then a female nurse appears from down the hall. As she walks by she calls the doctor’s name. With cookies, He steps out into the hall.
NICK
(Going crazy)
Oh, I’ve got to show Doc this! How perfectly comforting…
It’s a teddy bear! Oh, it’s perfectly soft!
He begins cradling it and petting it’s head.
I want to give it to you as a present.
John is eating cookies.
JOHN
A present, look at that. No, thank you!
These cookies are very good. Thank your Ma. I don’t usually have cookies with nuts. Say, when do you get out of here? Well, I’ve got to be going… is that the bathroom?
NICK
Sure. Just don’t leave. This is yours, see?
I’m nuts I tell you… I have an identity disorder. Mama never gave me one of these when I was a kid. W-a-a-! Teddy! Now, one more thing…
He opens the teddy bear and takes a gun out of it.
Ha, ha! Watch this, now give me your clothes! I’ll show you! Stay quiet, get in that bathroom!
JOHN
Uh- oh, No! Don’t mess me around! It was only a joke I was telling!
NICK
Undress or I’ll shoot you in the nuts!
JOHN
Shit! You can’t be serious!
Nick hold the gun on him
Give me your clothes.
John undresses his uniform.
Nick dresses while holding the gun.
NICK
See, now I’m you! Isn’t that fun. Just wear the robe and people will think you’re Don Pardo. Goodbye!
JOHN
Ugh!
Nick slugs him and knocks him out, John loses consciousness and then shuts John in the bathroom. He dresses in the uniform and escapes outside. No one is the wiser. He jumps into the Fed Ex van and drives off laughing.
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Doug’s QE#2 Rewrite Exchange
Logline: 2525: A deranged John holds hostages while trying to start a machine to cleanse “Earth”, until a N.I.C.K. cyber suit shows up to thwart his plan revealing John’s true purpose.
Essence: Nick must use her wits to get John to not cause a planetary disaster.
INT. CARVER FACILITY: SCIENCE LAB – DAY
The room is not that vast but has everything needed for achieving any desire of a scientist. Including a small clean room with fishbowl windows.
The door to the science lab is closed, voices are heard outside the door. Mostly just cries of a woman and a man. The door swishes open and lights come on.
ALLY 40’S, and MAC 30’S, in normal clothes are pushed in, their hands are cuffed in front with armored electro cuffs. The voice of JOHN MOCK, 50’S is heard loudly.
JOHN (O.S.)
Get the hell in there you nasty things! You’re gonna pay for what you did!
John enters the room, he is wearing nano battle armor without a helmet, and the door swishes shut behind him. He is armed with a gun.
MAC
What is wrong with you John? Why are you doing this?
John moves quickly striking Mack with the gun in the temple. Sending Mac to the floor in pain. Ally screams.
JOHN
You killed them! Killed them all! And now you’re all going to die! Every last one of you parasites! Earth will be ours once more and you will be eradicated!
ALLY
We are human like you! John you’re have a nervous breakdown, and the real killer could be anywhere.
John shoves past her and heads to the holographic control console.
JOHN
No! It’s not true, you are the murderers! You killed the world, and our fellow survivors. It’s you, you, YOU!
A cyber mech suit crashes through the ceiling to the floor in the clean room. The two captives huddle with each other. John fires several shots at the glass shattering it everywhere. Three blasts from an arm cannon on the suit blow a hole in the wall and rip apart the tables. John pulls Ally up and puts the gun to her head.
The suit pulls up a cannon on it’s arm. John backs up to the holo panel.
ALLY
Take the shot! You can end this.
The cannon whirrs and a glow comes out from the end. John pushes the gun into Ally’s temple. The whirring stops, and the cannon is disarmed.
John sees four letters embossed on the chest. N.I.C.K
JOHN
A Naturally Integrated Cybernetic Klansman. I thought you were killed off by the invaders?
John moves his free hand to the holo console and presses a couple of buttons, rumbling is heard. The Nick shrugs.
N.I.C.K
(Robotic voice) Hey, clone! Drop the weapon!
JOHN
What did you say?
N.I.C.K
Stop what you’re doing and let them go and I won’t turn you to ash.
John forces Ally onto her knees and puts the gun to the back of her head.
JOHN
You called me clone. What did you mean?
N.I.C.K
Because you are. Ask them.
The Nick unit points at the two hostages. They make eye contact and shake their heads.
ALLY
Just shoot him! That’s what you were designed for.
JOHN
You know I have nano armor on, so disintegrating me won’t happen.
N.I.C.K
I just need to get your head.
JOHN
Ha! My head…
John using his free hand touches his hair.
JOHN
Oh shit.
Nick tilts it’s head as saying “told you so,” and pulls up the cannon again.
N.I.C.K
Guess it’s time I give you a haircut.
JOHN
Computer, tactical override. Isolate and lockdown malfunctioning NICK uint.
The computer does at it is commanded, the NICK units’ weapon is disabled as it is about to fire. The unit can not move.
N.I.C.K
Shit!
John smiles and laughs as he kicks Ally away. He turns and types on the holo console.
JOHN
Sorry NICK, you should have taken the shot like she said.
N.I.C.K
Listen, John, your clone cognitive programing has been altered. It happens when you are this far out.
John keeps his attention to the holo console bringing up plans for a device that looks nefarious.
JOHN
I’m not going to listen to an imbecile warrior bred for killing. I’m a science officer, keeping you around will be beneficial to me as I am not genetically equipped to handle the suit.
NICK laughs so hard making the robotic voice eerie and sinister.
N.I.C.K
Where do you think we are right now?
John stops typing and turns his attention to Nick.
JOHN
Earth, of course. Where else would we be. Their kind,
He points to Ally and Mac.
JOHN
Have plagued our world and we are humanities last hope. They took everything from us, destroyed our oceans and farmlands. We were pushed here, and this is why I have created this, my atomizer. It’ll purify the Earth.
He points the holographic image, that the computer is now putting together.
N.I.C.K
No John they are human and you are a clone. A tool used to get the job done.
JOHN
Lies! Humanity will rise again and flourish, in this, our home Earth!
The NICK suit slowly opens while John stares at the schematic. Ally and Mac gasp at what’s inside. Out steps a female Andromian, pulling a glowing knife from her sheath.
John turns around.
JOHN
Oh my! Well this is unexpected.
He raises his gun and points it at Ally. Nick raises her knife.
JOHN
Usurper, Killer! I will kill her!
N.I.C.K
Such slander, I’m no killer. Clone.
JOHN
(Flippantly) Then what would you call a race of shapeshifting, alien, slavers! Mac if you truly are human kill that thing.
They stare each other down neither dropping their weapons. Mac looks at Nick and makes his move. Nick is faster, she cuts off his hands sending him down to the floor in pain.
N.I.C.K
Stupid move.
JOHN
See, you are a killer.
N.I.C.K
He’ll live, just not well. Plus he was human. You’re not on earth. You’re on my planet Andromeda. Humans invaded here 30 cycles ago and enslaved our people and used clones like you to terraform the planet and kill us.
JOHN
Lies!
N.I.C.K
Fine then. Tell the computer to open shudders to the outside world. Prove me wrong.
John thinks for a moment, and gives in.
JOHN
Computer open shades.
The metal shades on the windows open slowly as the light pours in they all look outside seeing a desolate land with life not known on earth.
N.I.C.K
You see not Earth. Your life was implanted during your cognitive programing thanks to the technology stolen from us. So put down your gun and lets find a solution to this without killing.
Realizing Nick is telling the truth, John laughs until he cries. He lowers the gun.
JOHN
Computer unlock Nick uint, and start, atomizer.
ALLY
You fucking idiot clone! You’ve killed us all.
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THE SKY IS GRAY
By Sandra Hildreth
LOGLINE: A construction company president must obtain insider information about an upcoming bid or face bankruptcy.
ESSENCE: The president of a construction company will stop at nothing to find out information from his neighbor that to be assured his will be the winning bid.
ACT ONE
EXT. IN FRONT OF THE ESPLANADE POOL AT THE TEXAS STATE FAIR – DAY
Nick scans the crowd as he sits on the lawn in front of the Centennial Hall. Japanese aerialists perform dangerous moves on tight ropes and swings positioned high above the water. He spots John carrying two paper food trays, wending his way toward him, trying desperately not to spill the drinks or drop the food.
Nick stands up and waves toward John. John sees Nick wave and nods his head to show he sees him. Nick remains standing until John arrives and hands him one of the trays. John sits down and they converse while they watch the aerialists and enjoy the lemonade and funnel cakes.
NICK
You did pretty good, I thought this stuff was toast when that kid ran into you. I never knew you had such balance skills. You could be a performer up there with them guys.
JOHN
Thanks. And thank you for inviting me today. I don’t usually go to places like this, especially with all these people, but this has been lots of fun so far, especially those rides on the Midway. I wish you would have gone on them, too, though.
NICK
Nah. Too dangerous for me, especially that thing the spins then drops the floor while you’re hanging on the wall. I thought I’d puke just watching you.
JOHN
Hey, you know anything about the Smith Site Project?
NICK
Some, why?
JOHN
I was thinking about bidding on it
NICK
Really? You know the rules about kickbacks and stuff, don’t you?
JOHN
Who doesn’t, but I’m not looking to buy information, just see if there isn’t something public I could use to give me a nudge up in the process.
NICK
Ah. Have you read all the press releases?
JOHN
About the project? No. I googled it but didn’t find anything. What papers?
NICK
Just go to our website, click on “About” choose “Press Releases,” type “Smith Site” in the search bar and start reading.
Fireworks go off indicating the end of the aerialist’s performance. John and Nick pick up their trash and stand up.
JOHN
I appreciate the information, my friend. That’ll help tremendously.
John and Nick edge their way through the crowd toward Grand Avenue.
NICK
Ever walked on the pond wall?
JOHN
That skinny little wall? Nope and not likely to, either.
NICK
I tell you what. If you walk along that wall – and I’ll be right beside you holding your arm – I will give you some information you won’t find anywhere else. Deal?
JOHN
How far would I have to walk?
Nick lets out a hardy laugh.
NICK
One section.
(pointing to a seam in the concrete)
From this seam to that one.
JOHN
That’s about ten feet. I think I could do that, as long as you walk beside me.
NICK
I’ll be right next to you the whole way.
JOHN
Deal!
John and Nick reach the pond’s wall. John steps gingerly onto the wall. He takes one step, then another and another, Nick walking next to him the entire length. John swivels to face Nick.
JOHN
Made it!
NICK
You did! Now to keep my side of the deal – the information. Keep the budget low and the time frame short.
JOHN
Are you kidding me? Any idiot knows that!
NICK
I know. And only an idiot would abuse a friendship like this.
Nick, using both hands, pushes against John’s chest, sending him backwards into the pool. Nick leans over the edge.
NICK
Oh, by the way, you’ll need to get an Uber home. I’m outta here.
Nick strides away, whistling, head held high.
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Carol’s QE2 Rewrite Exchange
LOGLINE: JOHN MEETS UP WITH NICK.
Essence: John and Nick threaten each other, but John has the upper hand.
EXT. AFRICAN SAVANNAH
JOHN, an adult Secretary Bird, jogs in the hot sun through the grassy land when NICK, a poisonous Puff Adder snake, slithers in his path and rises up in striking position. John abruptly stops, lifts his powerful foot, then halts, leaving his foot in the air.
JOHN
Nick! Didn’t expect you out here in this hot weather.
NICK
You, of all birds, should know that the heat of the day is when I do my best work.
Nick’s forked tongue moves in and out. John’s foot wavers in the air.
JOHN
And you save nighttime for Carrots?
NICK
I need a lift. Slithering in the grass is tough work.
JOHN
Forget it.
John turns away only to have Nick strike. John is quick and stomps his foot onto Nick, holding him captive.
JOHN
You do know your species loses every time it goes against my species, right?
NICK
Huh! Relatives. You know I left home after Mom complained about my tattoo.
John notices the I(heart)NYC tattoo on Nick’s lower torso.
JOHN
But you’re certainly not a loner. I see the crowd you hang with. You’d be better off moving back in with Mommy.
NICK
At least I have friends.
John winces, and lifts his foot off Nick, who slithers slightly away from John.
JOHN
I thought you would have eaten your buddies by now. Who would have guessed your best friends are an escapee rabbit and a beaver from Wisconsin?
NICK
Ah, Carrots.
Nick hisses in appreciation.
NICK
Carrots makes all the creatures in the animal kingdom wish they were rabbits.
JOHN
You know she’s probably more interested in the beaver, what’s his name?
Nick rises again and tries to strike John, who backs away carefully.
NICK
So, John, why are you out here, now? You usually jog in the early morning. You ain’t looking to join our little friend group, are you? Maybe you could participate in our book study.
JOHN
I didn’t know you were literate.
NICK
Ha ha. We’re reading, “Civilizing Africa.”
JOHN
That would mean getting rid of the Puff Adder.
NICK
So, you gonna give me a ride or not?
JOHN
What else do you talk about at book study?
NICK
What we talk about at book study stays in book study.
Nick sets his torso down in the grass.
NICK
You can tell Ruby she’s not going to beat Carrots.
John takes his leg and kicks Nick into the air.
JOHN
Here’s the lift! I’ll relay your message to Ruby.
-
Elle’s QE2 Rewrite Exchange
Logline: John, a dirty undercover FBI agent playing both sides of the case he’s been investigating, catches up to Nick, who’s blown the whistle on him to the organization he’s infiltrated. Before he knocks him off, he needs to know how much Nick knows about him.
Essence: John needs to get the information before he takes Nick out.
INT. NICK’S SECRET OFFICE – NIGHT
Nick rushes into his office searching for a document.
John, turns the desk chair to reveal himself with his gun pointed straight at Nick.
Nick spots him, plays calm, unaffected. He knows he’s got a chance at getting himself out of this predicament.
NICK
Where’s the posse?
John gives him a knowing look – You know I’m a lone gun man.
JOHN
(referring to the gun he’s holding)
Nice gun. Vintage?
NICK
Keep it. It’s yours.
Nick points at the chair that John occupies.
NICK
Can I get my seat back.
John points the gun to the guest seat across the desk.
Nick obliges. After a moment –
NICK
Don’t worry, I destroyed the evidence.
John laughs. Doesn’t buy in.
NICK
By the way, that guns not loaded.
JOHN
(as a matter of factly)
Info’s still around if you’re still alive… We can do it the easy way… or the easy way.
NICK
Yeah sure. I’ll take the easy way. But I thought Grubber wasn’t interested in the information anymore.
Nick’s insinuating that Grubber wants John dead for another reason.
JOHN
Nice. I know what you’re up to.
NICK
Oh, ok. You didn’t know. Sure. So what do you want to know? I’m an open book.
JOHN
Yeah, I heard you’re selling the info to anyone who’ll listen.
NICK
Yeah, the only thing is the right people aren’t listening. Like you for instance.
JOHN
Okay. Here it comes. I’ll bite.
NICK
Well, now that we know you’re in with Blankov, there’s a price on your head.
John shakes his head in amusement at the information that he already knew.
JOHN
So this is the big reveal?
NICK
Nope.
John gets weary of Nick’s game. He cuts to the chase.
JOHN
Who’s behind Sugarland?
Nick laughs.
NICK
I mean, that’s so weird.
JOHN
Enough with the stalling tactics.
John gets up threatening to beat it out of Nick.
Nick puts a hand up, urging John to sit back down.
NICK
See, now you have me confused. Did you mean, who’s behind Dark Shadow?
John lays the gun on the table and starts a countdown.
JOHN
Five.
NICK
Because O’Mahoney’s behind Dark Shadow.
Something that John didn’t know. Meanwhile, Nick covertly fishes for a gun stashed under his chair. John still needs to know what Nick knows about Sugarland.
JOHN
Four.
John cocks his gun.
NICK
Is this a test or what?
Nick’s struggling to find the gun without being detected.
JOHN
Three.
John raises his gun.
JOHN
Come on, I know you got more than that in you. Where’s the fuckin’ asshole who fucked my wife?
Nick didn’t know that John knew. He works hard to play un-phased.
NICK
(stalling)
I like you. You looking for a partner?
JOHN
Two.
John points the gun at Nick’s crotch. Nick pulls the hand back that was searching for the gun, before John notices, and puts it up to dissuade John’s aim.
JOHN
This one’s from me, for Mary [his wife].
NICK
(calmly)
I can get you any info you want. But…
JOHN
One.
NICK
You are!
Nick’s sweating.
NICK
Jesus Christ!
After a moment –
JOHN
That’s all I needed to know.
John shoots but Nick dives off his chair and grabs the gun under the seat, and shoots a round before taking cover. John dives for cover.
NICK
(laughing)
I like this game. Let’s play another. Where’d your wife hide the money.
John laughs at the absurdity.
NICK
Have you checked your stash lately?
JOHN
You’re still going to die.
NICK
I gave her what she wanted. What do you think she gave me?
John sneaks up on Nick and shoots him.
JOHN
Fuckin conniver.
FADE TO BLACK.
-
JULIE WOCHHOLZ – QE CYCLE 2 – REWRITE & EXCHANGE
LOGLINE: In occupied Paris in WW2, two members of the French resistance play a cat and mouse game to see if someone is a traitor.
ESSENCE: John hopes to trick Nick into revealing he is working with the Nazis.
SCENE:
INT. A BASEMENT CAFE – DAY
Closed for months, the cafe lacks any of its former joy and warmth – its chairs and tables stacked in a corner, the liquor all but gone.
NICK (40s) casually smokes a cigarette as he sits in his carefully positioned chair. He intently looks through the basement’s high window watching JOHN (30s) converse with a uniformed NAZI soldier outside.
Seeing John turn and head towards the Cafe, Nick gets up and walks to the bar, pulls a bottle of booze out from under the counter, and pours two drinks. As Johns walks in, Nick holds one of the glasses out for him.
John frowns, heads to Nick and takes the glass, swirling its liquid but not drinking.
JOHN
So you’ve been watching me?
NICK
Claudia’s been concerned. You’re always
doing things on your own. We’re a team, you know.
JOHN
More like family.
NICK
Anyway, it’s not poisoned, if that’s
what you’re worried about.
John downs the drink in one gulp.
JOHN
That’s the good stuff.
NICK
Reserved for my special friends.
JOHN
You’re worried? Seeing me talk with Fritz?
NICK
Is that his name?
John finally relaxes and sits on a bar stool as Nick pours them another round.
NICK (CONT’D)
Impossible to get this stuff anymore. At least
through proper channels. But then, I know
my way around the rules.
(He winks)
Might as well drink it up, eh?
JOHN
You know what they’re after?
NICK
You thinking of giving it to them?
JOHN
You really are suspicious of me.
John sips his second drink more slowly, savoring it.
NICK
You? Never? Viva la France and all that, eh John?
JOHN
What about you, Nick? You are in it with us
this time around?
NICK
That was more than 25 years ago. I was a stupid kid,
fifteen years old, dreams of heroism in my head. I
should have listened to my mother and never have
run away to fight in that miserable war.
JOHN
And then you ran away from the war.
NICK
There’s no running from this. They’re here,
in our beloved Paris. In our home.
JOHN
Only temporarily.
NICK
I’ll drink to that.
Nick fills the glasses a third time.
They drink, share a silent moment studying one another.
JOHN
That Fritz, he’s a dummkopf. No idea the
value of what it is they’re asking for.
NICK
How’s that?
JOHN
500 Francs for all the names. A pittance,
if they knew –
NICK
Knew what?
JOHN
Knew exactly where that list would lead them.
John finishes his drink.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Or, maybe I should have said
WHO it will lead them to. You know, don’t you?
NICK
Is that what you two were speaking about?
JOHN
500 measly Francs. Are they really all that stupid?
NICK
You can be sure that there’s someone, higher up,
who knows how valuable that list really is.
JOHN
That guy should be negotiating.
NICK
What’s the point, if the guy he’s talking to
doesn’t have the list?
(beat)
Do you have the list?
John slowly tilts his head – neither a confirmation nor a denial.
JOHN
Let’s just say, I know where Claudia keeps it.
NICK
So you could get it. I mean, if you were
so inclined, and so bold?
JOHN
You know I could. I’m the one who single-handedly
got us that gun shipment. But what would
be the point? A measly 500 Francs?
NICK
What if there was a man who could get you
enough to finance your escape out of France,
out of Europe?
JOHN
And Claudia?
NICK
(chuckles)
And I thought you were a loner.
JOHN
That would have to be a lot of money.
To get Claudia to turn.
NICK
She’d have no choice. Once the list was in the
hands of the Nazis, she’d be forced to flee, or die.
JOHN
So what is this? You setting me up?
Nick laughs, John joins in.
JOHN
You know I don’t have any contacts with
them. Who would I talk to?
Nick looks around the cafe, they are still all alone. He leans in.
NICK
General Mueller.
JOHN
He controls everything coming in and
out of the city. You can make this deal for me?
NICK
I’d expect half.
John’s eyes widen.
NICK
After all, without me, there would be no deal.
John leaps up, ready to fight, as Claudia and her henchman step out from behind the small stage curtain.
CLAUDIA
I’ve heard enough. You were right, John. He is a traitor.
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