-
Day 10 Assignments
Reply to post your assignment.
-
78 Replies
-
This is an update responding to notes. Thanks Cameron! Anita! and Dev!
June Fortunato is being Dramatic Day 10 of dramatic devices
What I learned is by writing through the scenes, I’m shortening, combining, adding scenes and rearranging them to add tension and flow. characters, traits, and loglines
Roy Dent: Explosive side, charming, guilt ridden, rescuer, rejection of authority. Logline: Horrified Roy might have to take benefits from a government he loathes when his body is ruined but he falls in love with Kim and has to talk her into how good it could be.
Marilyn Carter: Self effacing, super worrier, kind, tender hearted ;Logline When Marilyn is duped by Kim, and as a result, breaks a hip, she needs someone to pet sit and watch her house. Suzy suggests Roy and Marilyn will be damn sure to grill him in a super polite way to ensure all will be well.
Kim Kirby– wounded, angry, masks her vulnerability, veneer of normalcy Logline: Kim wants her inheritance which was stolen by her brother so Kim escapes his brutality, and sneakily damages the house again and again to make her point.
Suzy Welsh self-less, fixer Logline: When Suzy finally dumps Roy, he returns all broken to her osteo unit. She tries to get him fixed up in several ways: physically, with his financial benefits and with a place to live to make sure he never returns to her.
Denny Brand– Good guy for a lawyer. Subtext: If he wins this case, he may well win what he really wants: Suzy’s affection.
These scenes happen at the end of the first act. Previously, we saw
Kim’s sister in law throw Kim down a staircase-
Kim’s inheritance (money) was stolen by her brother and sister in law,
they now intend to take her half of the house (inherited from Mom)
and get Kim tossed into a psychiatric hospital.
We also learned that when Roy get deliberately pummeled in jail, his kidney was damaged- which is infected and, despite trying a couple of different antibiotics, he still passes blood in his urine.
Roy was told that he would not be able of overcome his injuries fully and that he can’t live rough anymore.
In one scene, Roy and Kim meet and it’s instantaneous Kismet.
Roy helps Kim escape the brother and sister in law when they go to the hospital to remove her to a psych hospital.
When Kim escapes, she steals Suzy’s keys and car, then swaps it in a parking garage for Marilyn’s car- so she serially steals both cars- and returns both to the parking garage across the street from a boutique where she steals a bathing suit.
Kim’s self talk is set up at the beginning- a technique after years of therapy.
The swim scene at the Bellevue sets up the location for many Bellevue scenes which follow.
The Marilyn scene with the neighbors sets up Marilyn’s extended need for a decent house and pet sitter- which later solves the residence issue for Roy and Kim.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT
Marilyn, fragile, opens the door to a beautifully appointed townhouse. Two large german shepherds, LUDWIG and WOLFGANG (“Woofie”) barrel toward the door as it opens, thrilled.
MARILYN I know. I know, babies. I’m sorry. We’re going now. Good boys. Sit. Woofie, sit.
Marilyn slips through the door and as she sets her bags down Woofie jumps up for a kiss. Marilyn loses her balance and crashes backward. Woofie is all over her, paws on her shoulders, licks her. She laughs.
MARILYN OK. I love you, too.
But as she tries to get up she jolts in pain.
MARILYN Oh. Oh! Oh. Woofie, back, back.
She grabs the door handle and pulls herself upright, wobbling. She reaches for their leashes, tries to walk, and crashes down again.
MARILYN Oh. Oh no.
She gets her phone and dials. Now she’s in serious pain.
MARILYN Hi, Jeanie. Hi, this is Marilyn next door. Yes, good. How are you? Good, good. Are you busy right now? I’m – I seem to be in a pickle.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME- LATER
Two AMBULANCE medics load Marilyn onto a GURNEY, while Jeanie, sophisticated, wealthy, 40s, watches. Her son, zit faced CONNOR, 15 with a dour attitude, hangs onto the leashed Ludwig and Woofie outside.
MARILYN Fuss and bother. This is nonsense.
JEANIE Just get it x-rayed. Connor and I will take care of them, and I’ll lock up.
MARILYN I should be home in a few hours.
JEANIE Just take care of yourself.
MARILYN Connor, will you play with them?
CONNOR Whatever.
MARILYN I’ll call you as soon as I know.
JEANIE Everything here will be fine.
INT./EXT. MARILYN’S CAR & CLIFFSIDE CABIN – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Kim roots through Marilyn’s glove box and finds cash, sunglasses, a scarf and an ID for a gym at the Bellevue Hotel, all of which she takes.
INT. HOSPITAL – ER- NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Marilyn is wheeled into the ER and taken into the back immediately.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- SWIMMING POOL – NIGHT- LATER
Kim, in her gorgeous stolen bathing suit, luxuriates by the pool. She self-talks loudly.
KIM I deserve this. You can’t have this life and take it away from me! I deserve a good life!
A swimmer comes up from the water, puzzled.
KIM Excuse me, what time does the pool close?
MAN 10:30.
She’s weird. He’s interested. She’s pretty. Kim knows what he’s thinking and immediately dives into the water for another lap. He waits. When she comes up:
MAN Open at 7AM.
She ignores him. He waits.
MAN See you again?
Nothing. He leaves. Pause.
KIM Take it back. Take her car back. You had your shout out. And you got her gym pass. And money. But the car goes back. You’re not like your horrible brother and that satan, Ingrid. You’re a good person. I am good.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – NIGHT -ROY’S
Tara enters Roy’s room with something behind her back. Roy, covered in a blanket, sits in a chair. There’s a stack of legal papers near him.
TARA Going somewhere?
Roy yanks the blanket off of his street clothes.
ROY Dang! Tara has x-ray vision.
TARA Um hum.
ROY Whew. It was hot under there.
Tara laughs.
ROY (CONT’D) Frying like a donut in oil.
TARA I brought something to cheer you. I snuck into our private stock.
ROY Bugles! My fav O rite.
Pause.
TARA That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? Where’s my wisecracking fool?
Nothing.
TARA (CONT’D) Ah, Come-on, Roy. Cheer up. You’ll have a whole new life.
ROY That I didn’t want.
TARA Suzy wouldn’t steer you wrong. Think of the possibilities.
Pause.
A wise friend once told me, “Play the game and take their money. Then you can do whatever you want.”
Pause.
OK, OK. Twist my arm. I brought these for you, too.
She pulls out a few tiny bottles of of Jim Beam.
ROY Now that’s happy.
TARA Liquid courage. A gift from Suzy. She says she feels awful for accusing you of taking her keys. They found it, you know.
ROY She found her car?
TARA Police did. In a parking garage.
Tara moves to the door.
TARA (CONT’D) Stick with it, Roy. Get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.
INT./EXT. PARKING GARAGE- NIGHT – LATER
Kim watches from across the street. When the attendant leaves she pulls in, drives Marilyn’s car up the ramp, finds a spot and parks. Across the alley, she spots a small legit theatre which is just letting out for the night.
EXT. THEATRE – NIGHT
Kim slips into the theatre through the departing crowd.
INT. THEATRE- NIGHT
She finds her way into the dressing room door, and hides behind a rack of costumes until the lights of the theatre are turned off. It’s quiet. She’s in her element.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT- NIGHT
Roy heads for one last wiz before he hits the wild. He stares at a nice suit, left for him to wear in the morning. But in the toilet- blood. A lot of blood.
INT. COURTROOM- THE NEXT MORNING
Roy wears the suit. Suzy watches from the viewing area. The judge examines the papers.
JUDGE I understand that both sides have negotiated a deal.
DENNY Yes, your honor.
LAWYER 2 Yes, we have, your honor. We agree to accept compensation and drop charges, your honor.
JUDGE Mr. Dent, in light of the fact that you were evidently a man of valor, and have compensated your debts, I will grant this full exoneration on one condition… You have six weeks. Six. To establish a permanent residency. Do you understand?
DENNY Yes your honor.
JUDGE Mr. Dent?
ROY Yes, sir. Yes sir. Six weeks.
JUDGE Six weeks, or you will permanently lose your financial benefits.
DENNY Thank you, Sir, for your extraordinary efforts on behalf of Mr. Dent.
JUDGE I’m a fellow veteran. And a human. We lapse.
Roy salutes him.
LAWYER 2 Thank you, sir.
The judge bangs his gavel. All rise. The judge leaves. Suzy hugs Roy.
SUZY You did it, Roy. You did it! Be happy.
DENNY La Croix?
SUZY That sounds wonderful.
Suzy and Denny leave. Roy stands there. Finally, hospital attendant Tim helps him into a wheelchair, and he is pushed out.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by June f.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by June f.
-
Hey June!
Want to exchange feedback?
-
Yes, sounds great.
-
Hey June!
What I loved about your scenes!
1. Each character feels unique and the dialogue moves very quickly. I’m honestly envious of how your dialogue doesn’t stagnate or sit in the same spot.
2. You have at least two to three things going on in each scene, and it helps to keep everything moving so the story’s a page turner. Will Kim get caught for stealing Merilyn’s car? What will Roy think of Kim’s theft? What’s up with the blood in the toilet/What’s wrong with Roy?
3. I like that for the scene with Kim and the hapless guy trying to pick her up, that scene is more about Kim trying to find her own way, and the hapless guy is just there. It’s the “Pope in the Pool” concept, but taken up a notch, just by having the conflict of the guy wanting Kim, and Kim saying “I’m not interested” without actually saying it. It’s a mini narrative covering up the story, instead of a cool visual.
What I have questions about…
1. Formatting wise, I got a little lost in the descriptions and the time of day some of the scenes took place. Some of that is due to the limitations of the forums, whereas if we had physical scripts to read, I’m sure it’d be less of an issue. I would still include “DAY” or “NIGHT” for each scene heading, unless the scene takes place where the day/night cycle can’t be observed or is irrelevant.
2. Though I do appreciate what the scene between the guy and Kim does, I do think it’s internal conflict for the sake of it, because Kim’s internal argument feels unprovoked. It reminded me of the last scene in DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978) where Peter tells Francine to go on without him, when there’s plenty of time for the both of them to escape, and then he decides at the last minute “never mind” and joins her in the helicopter with way more undead surrounding them. I would keep the flow limited to “Therefore or But” and make sure the stakes last for the long haul. For example, Kim steals the car, but _____ happens. Therefore, she has a change in heart to return the stolen car.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Hi Cameron, thank you! for your encouraging words. You’re right, I should’ve set up the scenes- because this section happens at the end of the first act- after a lot of action explains this stuff. I’ll go back and edit, set things up and more clearly label the time of day. Good wishes! June
-
-
-
-
Hi June,
I see you have already done a couple of critiques, and may not be available for more. But you gave some great feedback to me before and I was hoping you might read my courtroom scene below. If you’d like input from me on yours, let me know!
Thanks,
Anita
-
Sure, I’ll be happy to. Ditto I’d love your comments. June
-
Great! Just a quick note. This scene is the big climax in my movie. We’ve been dancing around the abortion issue and never address it so directly as here. I know it feels dense but it is the first time Judge Cyrus and Danica have seen each other in 20 years, and it’s in this courtroom. Anyway, hope that sets the table for you!
-
-
-
Hi June,
I think you checked almost all the boxes for using dramatic devises – especially creating tension, set-ups and pay-offs, and giving the scene(s) a future – because obviously I want to know more about your characters and what happens to them after reading this. Also, both the hospital and the courtroom are perfect closed environments for creating a crucible.
I like your straight-forward writing style. Your descriptions are almost sparse, but colorful and precise, and certainly get the job done. But because the pace is brisk I found myself with one or two questions and then needed to refer back to the top. I don’t think you want your readers needing to backtrack to follow. So here are a few minor observations:
The following slug line confused me. I think this is EXT only? Outside of a cabin?
INT./EXT. MARILYN’S CAR & CLIFFSIDE CABIN – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS
The reference to 2 stolen cars confused me, but I assume this would be clear if I were able to read everything prior to this scene? I would find out: Did Kim also (previously) steal Suzy’s car? And if so, when did Suzy’s car get returned?
I think I was confused because Kim was routing thru Marilyn’s car (which I assume is a second car, because Marilyn is at her townhouse – elsewhere – when she takes a fall?) but then we see Kim is driving Marilyn’s car when she parks across from the theater. Did she steal it when she was rifling through the glove box? Guess you needed to spell that out for me.
Also – Kim must have stolen the gorgeous bathing suit in a prior scene?
<st1:place w:st=”on”>Tara</st1:place> seems to be just a kind nurse in the osteo unit – but is there something else I should know about her? Should it be Tara who wheels <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:city w:st=”on”>Roy</st1:city></st1:place> from the courtroom?
Overall, I really love your characters. I think I am just noting that you might have to lead me (the reader) a bit more by the hand so I don’t get confused… and as always, reading scenes out of context is difficult, because the info I require has probably already been previously provided in the story.
Bottom line? You hooked me. Job well done!
Best,
Anita
-
Hi June. I am late to this party I have posted my V2 if you have time I’d love your feedback. Meanwhile here are some comments from me ( And if this isn’t the most recent I apologize.)
Love all these short scenes one after the her. keeps me interested and alert.
Wonder if the Kim parking the car scene should be earlier? before Tara tells Roy about it?
the Relationship between Roy and Tara crackles! But Im not sure who she is.. given she is not in the list at the top.
love the self talk therapy!
The guy at the pool.. felt like l that was too easily resolved..more of a struggle? tension? maybe maybe not? Thinking an opportunity for more here…How she handles that. what happens when she is pushed..and the worry about what he might do
And same with the last court scene. Maybe a place to do a twist? or a glitch that stops the movement to the end for a bit?
Overall I am curious about the next and how will all these people come together to one story
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
-
DAY 10 APPLYING DRAMATIC DEVICES TO YOUR SCRIPT
Lisa is being Dramatic!
What I learned is that adding as many dramatic devices makes the script more exciting.
See comments at end of script *Note: Don’t want to make this Christmas movie too violent. Think Hallmark.
CHARACTERS:
PETER WINTERS
Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate
Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status
Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.
TILLY MILLS
Traits: Serious, Realist, Helpful
Subtext: Stability: Wants a lasting relationship
Character Logline: Tilly is Peter’s girlfriend and sister to Mary who is trying hard to help Peter and move their relationship along.
SANTA CLAUS
Traits: Jolly, Concerned, Loyal
Subtext: Love: Wants to pull off Christmas without a hitch
Character Logline: Santa Claus must deliver presents all over the world on Christmas eve.
MRS. CLAUS
Traits: Tenacious, Helpful, Loyal
Subtext: Support: Prepares for the delivery of presents
Character Logline: Mrs. Claus supports Santa Claus and assists the elves in preparing the presents for delivery.
*Prior to this scene Peter has told Tilly his plan to kidnap Santa Claus, but she doesn’t think it’s real. She believes the situation has to do with his PTSD, so she went along on the trip to keep an eye on him.
EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY
PETER (Mary’s ex-husband) and TILLY (Peter’s girlfriend) arrive at Santa’s workshop on snowmobiles. They lay back so they can’t be seen.
TILLY
(shocked) I didn’t believe that this place existed, but now that I see it, we can’t do this!
PETER
Calm down. It’s going to be easy.
TILLY
How is it going to be easy? Let’s go home!
PETER
I know that the NORAD agents don’t arrive until tomorrow to monitor the flight. And because I know him.
TILLY
Everyone knows him.
PETER
Let’s go.
Peter pulls out a gun.
TILLY
You didn’t say you would have a gun! Let’s go!
Tilly pulls on his sleeve. Peter puts the gun back in his pocket.
PETER
You can leave if you want to.
Tilly looks around and contemplates leaving.
TILLY
I’m not going in there!
PETER
Stay here then.
Peter runs through the snow to the front of the building.
PETER
SANTA! Come out here!
The door cracks open and an ELF peeks out.
ELF
Hello. How can I help you?
PETER
I need to speak to Santa. NOW!
The Elf closes the door. Peter looks around and pulls out the gun. SANTA CLAUS opens the door surrounded by elves. Peter puts the gun behind his back.
SANTA CLAUS
Hello! How can I help you son?
PETER
I need to speak to you ALONE.
SANTA
We are family. You can speak to me in front of them. They won’t tell.
Santa pushes out a big belly laugh.
PETER
(getting irritated) I’m giving you one more chance to get rid of them so we can speak alone.
SANTA
Very well. (to the elves) Please go back inside.
Peter waits until the elves shut the door.
PETER
Santa, I need you to come with me.
SANTA
Oh, I can’t do that. It’s almost Christmas eve!
PETER
Get on the snowmobile.
SANTA
What is it? Are you hurting my lad?
PETER
(losing patience) Santa, I’m not asking you. (pulling out the gun) I’m telling you.
Peter points the gun at Santa.
TILLY
NO! (running to them) Don’t do it Pete!
Tilly tries to pull the gun away from him. But he pushes her off and she falls into the snow.
SANTA
Pete, Peter. I know you. Where do I know you?
TILLY
(getting up) You really do know him! He says he was assigned to you when he worked at NORAD.
SANTA
Oh, my goodness! Peter Winters. Of course, I remember you. A very serious fellow. I was always trying to get you to smile.
PETER
Get on the snowmobile.
SANTA
Peter, you don’t want to do this. Why don’t you and your friend come inside? We can have some cocoa and talk about old times.
PETER
We have to go. (putting the gun to Santa’s face) Get on the snowmobile. If you don’t, I will tell the world of your existence. Do you want this place swarming with paparazzi?
SANTA
Oh. Um.
PETER
Now!
A couple of elves are looking out the window. They run to tell MRS.CLAUS.
TILLY
(nervously) It’ll be alright.
Peter puts Santa on the back of his snowmobile and places a blindfold and helmet on him. Tilly jumps on her snowmobile and puts on her helmet.
As Peter puts on his helmet and is about to get on the snowmobile, Mrs. Claus and the elves come out the workshop door.
MRS. CLAUS
What are you doing?! Santa!
The elves rush Peter.
PETER
(pointing the gun at the elves) Stay back!
The elves stop in their tracks.
MRS. CLAUS
No! Don’t shoot! Where are you taking him?
Peter doesn’t answer.
SANTA
(yelling) Mrs., you know what to do!
Peter jumps on the snowmobile as the elves scream.
ELVES
Santa! Where are you going? Come back! It’s almost Christmas! What do we do! Help!
MRS. CLAUS
(yelling to Santa) I know what to do!
Peter with Santa and Tilly speed away on the snowmobiles.
MRS. CLAUS
(to the elves) We have a call to make. We have to hurry! Get me the cell phone!
An elf brings Mrs. Claus her cell phone. She presses the number.
MRS. CLAUS (continued)
Hello, NORAD…get me Mr. Blitz…
FADE OUT
—————————————————————————————-
COMMENTS
The scene changed several times as devices were added such as adding the gun, adding Tilly’s attempt to stop Peter, adding the elves trying to stop Peter too.
Dramatic Devices used:
Conflict/Tension –
Have the main character want something that is difficult to get or achieve.(PETER)
Present an internal and external conflict. (TILLY)
Conflict Checklist –
Is one or more character going for some kind of goal that is important to them or avoiding some kind of pain/problem? (PETER)
Dramatic Irony –
Reveal something important to the audience that one or more of the characters don’t know. Have that information be critical to the success or failure of the characters who don’t know. (MRS. CLAUS calls NORAD)
Twists –
Someone changes sides. (TILLY)
Setup/Payoff –
Foreshadowing upcoming events. (Mrs. Claus has called the government; What will happen to Peter and Santa?)
Settings that add Drama –
What setting would provide that feel and/or enhance that conflict? (NORTH POLE)
Misleads and Reveals –
Make a list of things you want to reveal in the scene –
Peter knows Santa and Santa remembers him; Tilly and the audience didn’t believe there was such a place as the North Pole or a real Santa; Peter has been there before and knows when the government agents will arrive; Peter has a gun.
Give your scene a future –
Create suspense – worry about some future incident. (What will happen to Santa? And Christmas?)
A twist that requires us to read farther. (Mrs. Claus calls the government)
-
Lisa,
First time commenting on your work so hope that’s okay! Wow! This scene totally filled the bill for me. I was hooked in immediately. Really great job! You utilized the dramatic techniques perfectly! I loved – with a gun in his face – Santa inviting Peter in for coco!
Dev
-
-
Cameron Martin is being Dramatic!
What I learned doing this assignment is…I have certain strengths and weaknesses. I tried to incorporate each of the dramatic devices into my scene, and in doing so, I revealed to myself how much of a blank slate Markus really is. Also, it helped to see how this whole B plot could be a real page turner, as long as I utilize ALL of the dramatic skills, not just Conflict, Crucible, and Giving the scene a future. Also, trying to hit all of these skills like a checklist helps to build a mini-movie of scenes. I kind of have a “take it or leave it” attitude with the mini-movie method, but I think combining this with the mini-movie method helps to solidify certain arcs and bring out the best in them. For the purposes of this assignment, I’m looking at the Markus/Apollo B-plot and turning it into a mini-movie while trying to meet each of the dramatic devices. Below is one of the four scenes.
Markus – Discreet, Innocent, Loyal, Scholarly
SCL – Markus wants to stay hidden.
Apollo – Decisive, Headstrong, Discreet, Loyal
SCL – Apollo wants to know what’s going on and recruit Markus.
INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – LOADING CORRIDOR
A back and forth line of bodies fills up the entirety of a hallway. Barely lit by fluorescent lighting, it’s a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.
In the middle somewhere, a mother asks if anyone’s seen her child, but the only answer she receives is the dull roar of the room and bodies of people packed too tight to effectively turn.
Above the ceiling and lights is a honeycomb metal grid, where all the passengers see is black. What they can’t see walking above the metal grid are the armed guards surveying the passengers, isolating different conversations.
Apollo follows Markus, the following in one direction, while two lines on opposite sides of them walk the other way. Everyone, eventually, is walking toward the exit, illuminated at the end of tight room.
APOLLO
You ever think about dying?
MARKUS
I try not to.
APOLLO
Fair. Say, where on Earth are you from?
MARKUS
Minden.
APOLLO
Louisiana?
MARKUS
Yeah.
APOLLO
Same!
MARKUS
I’m sure you were.
APOLLO
Did you know Mr. Bureaux?
MARKUS
(recognizing the name)
Yeah!
(beat)
He’s the one who convinced me to get out of there.
APOLLO
Not a fan of small towns, huh?
MARKUS
What do you want from me?
Apollo sighs heavily, trying to gather his thoughts.
APOLLO
Look, we got on the right foot, then the wrong foot, maybe we’ll get back on the right foot again. Forgive me, I’ve never started a rebellion before.
MARKUS
Shut up! No one here has.
A passenger, ALEX, leans over from the other line.
ALEX
Hey, need a hand getting out of this?
MARKUS
Shush!
APOLLO
Absolutely, mate! There’s more of us than them, anyway. Spread the word.
MARKUS
Stop it! There’s no way we’re getting out of this by being violent.
APOLLO
Markus, what do you think this line is for?
MARKUS
I don’t care. Just lie low and no one will get hurt.
APOLLO
You’re being conscripted to fight monsters you dupe!
The line continues moving.
ALEX
See y’all on the other side.
(to another passenger)
Hey, there’s more of us than them. Want to get out of this?
APOLLO
I don’t know where the guy who gave a hand the minute he woke up went, but this vessel, these people need you?
MARKUS
I’m a book worm who left a small town to go be a big fish where big fish live.
APOLLO
Welcome to the fucking ocean, shark.
MARKUS
I didn’t mean like this.
APOLLO
No, but you’re a shark. You didn’t hesitate to help me out when I was falling. You didn’t hesitate to leave a small town the first chance you got. Why be a guppy now when when you can be a part of the history you claim to love?
Long pause as Markus faces his internal crisis, wishing he could go home.
APOLLO
Spread the word. I’ll be waiting for you.
MARKUS
Wait, what?
APOLLO
I gotta make this happen. American Revolution, mate. We’re the minute men, right?
Apollo ducks under the iron bar separating the lines, trading places with Alex.
Markus thinks about his place in all of this. He extends a hand to the passenger in front of him.
PASSENGER
(shaking the hand off)
I heard what y’all said. I’m not interested in getting myself killed.
-
Hi Cameron,
I love the setting- the snake-like lines (like the ones at an airport) The opening line is great. My comments are ‘picky’ but as usual, trash what I say that doesn’t resonate with you. I like the set up and the idea of this scene. I think that it can be condensed and if so, will have far more power, but it’s a great idea and a crucible. Also, the question is (and I have this for my script) how much screen time do I want for each scene? Often, the less time, the better- when it comes to exposition. Okey dokey, here goes:
2) Mom looks for child: Instead of description- write the dialogue and also, the crowd would be jostled out of the way as she frantically searches. It is a good foreshadowing of your other parts of the story. 3) Soldiers above- good external threat but it’s description. What if a child/someone sees them and whispers? A general fear would raise the tension significantly. If they don’t know, it doesn’t impact the action. 4) Apollo’s line: “I don’t know where the guy who gave a hand….” It’s hard to read and even harder to speak aloud. Rewrite and condense? Can you lay a threat under it? More fear? Suspicion? 5) Apollo’s following line would have more impact if tightened. 6) Subtext throughout seems to be missing as well as underhanded intentions. Does one character know what the other doesn’t? The scene seems to be expositional. 7) Less description and more subtext, dialogue and action will make this scene have power. What do these characters not know about each other? Maybe they have different opinions of the man they commonly know from the hometown?8) What can one of them lie about? 9) The scene sets up the unknown well. I do understand that this scene is the story in progress, and you’ve probably set up a lot of these things earlier. Good work and cool setting. June
-
Thanks June!
I appreciate the encouraging notes on what does work! Tried cutting the scenes down and making the conflict more dramatic with the two characters by using your notes and what works so well with the way your characters are written.
Thanks again and best regards!
Cam
-
-
Cameron Martin’s being dramatic (V.2)
(Adding the whole B-plot for greater context and use of all of the skills. Was able to cut it down by three pages so far and updated both Apollo and Markus.)
INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – CRYOPODS
Rows of pods, stacked high, one on another, ascend to the ceiling and run the length of a long room.
A crimson light flashes and scans the room from the end of the hallway.
COMPUTER VOICE
(Off screen)
Scan complete. Emergency call on Venus Prime, Colony 7 received. Diversion initiated.
The red light vanishes.
Fluorescent lights flicker on overhead.
The pods open.
A young religious missionary, MARKUS, groans as he sits up. He’s on his way into space to avoid being drafted into a ground war on Earth, desperate to maintain his innocence and save lives by spreading the good news.
Markus hits his head on the pod immediately above him. He holds his head as he still strains to fully wake up. He reaches for the edge of his pod and grasps a hand.
The hand shakes away Markus’ hand. The hand belongs to a BURLEY MAN.
Markus looks over, surprised.
BURLEY MAN
Watch it!
The burley man continues his descent.
Markus peaks out of his pod, watching a waterfall of passengers climb out of their pods.
A foot steps down on Markus’ head.
Markus pulls his head back in fast…
Causing the foot to slip.
VOICE
Oh me god!
Markus, frozen, watches two feet dangling in front of his bunk.
He snaps out of it and places his hands underneath the dangling feet.
MARKUS
I’m sorry!
The weight on his hands starts to make Markus slide toward the edge of his bunk.
MARKUS
Heavenly Father, give me strength!
VOICE
(straining)
I’m not…letting go now!
Markus presses up with all his strength…
Lifting the feet up, until suddenly…
The weight has left his hands…
But Markus slides out of his bunk…
Barely catching the edge before he plummets to the floor twelve feet below.
Markus, looking down, catches his breath.
VOICE
Hey! Hey you!
Markus looks up.
Above him is APOLLO, about the same age as Markus, but different in every visible metric. Where Markus is bookish to the nth degree, Apollo is a physical specimen, almost like he’s the actual Greek god, with the exception of a missing arm.
APOLLO
Thanks, mate! Now could ye move? Me arm’s gettin’ tired.
INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – FEEDING PEN
Markus follows a line of people down a narrow hallway. There’s barely enough room for him to turn around and talk with Apollo just behind him.
The line crashes to a full stop. Some awkward shuffling concludes in everyone facing a tube and tray. Slop flushes out of the tubes and lands on the tray with an audible squish, but no one seems to mind the conditions, as a dull roar of pleasantries fills the hall.
Markus begins to silently pray to himself.
Watching Markus’ closed eyes, Apollo steals a couple bites off his plate.
APOLLO
Just so ye know, it was the fella next to ye.
Markus continues praying silently.
APOLLO
Like I said…
(grabbing more food)
Fella next to ye. Taking full advantage of a wall flower such as yerself.
The FELLA next to Markus tries to stab his spoon into Apollo’s hand, but misses and hits Markus’ tray.
The bang of the dish wear jolts Markus out of his prayer, seeing Fella’s spoon deep in his slop.
MARKUS
I would’ve been happy to share if you’d have asked.
FELLA
(taking his spoon away)
It be bad luck to steal from a holy man.
MARKUS
Well, what brings you two out to the final frontier?
FELLA
Work.
APOLLO
Draft dodging.
Markus blushes. Really?
APOLLO
Yeah, I’d be a fookin’ angel o’death on them bastards. But me good hand’s tied up at the moment.
MARKUS
Seems our nations have a funny way of signing up only the most qualified.
APOLLO
Yeah. You can tell yer god was forced to give me a handicap. The son of a bitch knew how much of a killing machine I’s to become.
MARKUS
Well, you’re not exactly the only one GOD didn’t plan to have drafted.
APOLLO
Ah, so ye think draft dodging makes us brothers?
MARKUS
Shhhhhh!
APOLLO
Hey, don’t sweat it! Hegemony’s above all that, yeah?
A buzz alerts the passengers.
INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)
Good morning, passengers. First I would like to apologize for any inconvenience. Our voyage has been delayed. A call has been made for liquidators to assemble at Venus Prime, colony seven.
The feeding pen gives an audible sound of concern.
INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)
You will report at o’seven hundred in the assembly bay for your roles. You will be required to present proof that you are with a child of your own, or are too disabled to assist in this effort to relieve our brothers and sisters on Venus Prime, colony seven. Enjoy your meal.
The line explodes into a chaotic buzz of questions and concerns.
MARKUS
(to Apollo)
Hey, what does this mean?
APOLLO
Ye a preacher. Ye know how to read.
FELLA
What he be sayin’ is you two dodged a draft so ya could be conscripted.
INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – LOADING CORRIDOR
A back and forth line of bodies fills up the entirety of a hallway. Barely lit by fluorescent lighting, it’s a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.
Above the ceiling and lights is a honeycomb metal grid, where armed guards survey the passengers, isolating different conversations.
Apollo follows Markus who keeps up a constant pray in line, while two lines on opposite sides of them walk the other way. Everyone, eventually, is walking toward the exit, illuminated at the end of tight room.
APOLLO
Ye ever think about dying?
MARKUS
I’m a preacher.
APOLLO
Fair. So, why’d ye dodge the draft?
MARKUS
I can’t kill.
APOLLO
Ha! Ye’ll kill before the end of the day.
MARKUS
Yeah? I’ll drop my oath that easily?
APOLLO
Ye be killin’ aliens the minute ye see they’re teeth. That or…
Markus lifts his head up from his praying hands.
MARKUS
I’m not a killer.
APOLLO
Ye a die-er then.
MARKUS
I’ll pray for you.
APOLLO
I’ll take it and your services, mate.
MARKUS
What do you want from me?
Behind them, a panel of the ceiling opens, allowing for the guards to pull up one of the PASSENGERS.
PASSENGER
Wait! I didn’t mean it! I didn’t—
The ceiling panel is replaced, and the line keeps moving forward like nothing happened.
Apollo sighs heavily, trying to gather his thoughts.
APOLLO
(still looking behind at the source of the passenger’s pleas)
Yeah, I’m gonna need ye to use that education ye got and read between some fookin’ lines.
MARKUS
Send whatever you want to say to GOD.
APOLLO
That was ye fookin’ god they just took.
MARKUS
Stop it! There’s no way we’re getting out of this by being violent.
APOLLO
Markus, what do ye think this line is for?
Markus slams his forehead into his prayer hands.
APOLLO
I’m no preacher man, but I know ye god asked Gideon to spread the fookin’ word. I know ye’ll answer his fookin’ call.
MARKUS
Wait, what?
APOLLO
This is why ye got outa the draft, mate. Think about it. GOD called ye here. Now answer his fookin’ call.
Apollo ducks under the iron bar separating the lines, trading places with one of the passengers.
Markus thinks about his place in all of this.
INT. HANGAR
Markus waits his turn. He’s next in line to retrieve what looks like a double-barrel shotgun, with an axe blade on the butt of the gun and a handle running the length of the barrel.
A MOTHER and CHILD stand in front of a desk with a SOLDIER behind it.
MOTHER
This is a mistake! This is my son!
The soldier refuses to make eye contact with the mother.
SOLDIER
Mam, we’ve been through this. He is not your son.
MOTHER
He is! So what if he’s adopted!?
The child starts to cry.
CHILD
Mamma, what does adopted mean?
SOLDIER
Only biological parents are exempt. Now get out of line and report to your post.
MOTHER
He’s my son! I’ve raised him from birth! You have all of the papers!
Two other soldiers come to the line. They pry the child from his mother.
CHILD
Mamma! Mamma!
The mother is dragged away by one soldier, as the other soldier takes the kicking and screaming child.
MOTHER
You can’t do this!
SOLDIER
Next!
Markus, wide eyed, steps forward.
SOLDIER
Name and bunk number?
MARKUS
What’ll happen to them?
SOLDIER
Your name and bunk number, civilian.
MARKUS
Markus Smirnov. Bunk–
SOLDIER
And your bunk number?
MARKUS
Bunk 67A.
The soldier scans his book, makes a couple notes and stamps several documents.
MARKUS
Excuse me, I’m a holy man.
SOLDIER
Do you have a ‘biological’ child, or are you disabled?
Markus opens his mouth to answer.
SOLDIER
Adopted children will not be identified as your own.
MARKUS
No.
SOLDIER
No what?
MARKUS
No. No kids, and–
SOLDIER
And, you’re obviously not disabled. You’re on exterminator duty.
The soldier hands Markus the long barreled gun.
SOLDIER
This is a short range pulse blaster. You will not refer to it by any other name.
Markus takes the weapon carefully, as though it may bite him.
MARKUS
Isn’t this illegal?
SOLDIER
No. Guns are illegal. This is a short range pulse blaster.
MARKUS
I swore an oath.
SOLDIER
(ignoring)
You kill aliens with it. Keep it pointed at the ground at all times. If you see an alien, get up close and make sure you don’t shoot your comrades.
The soldier waves for Markus to step up to a yellow line. A torn up dummy stands about a yard away.
SOLDIER
Remember to keep it pointed at the ground. This is how close you want to be before taking aim. Aim down the sights.
Markus aims down the sights of the gun.
SOLDIER
You have one shot. You will not be equipped with more upon deployment, Now, fire.
Markus pulls the trigger.
The shotgun kicks back, and a plume of rock and smoke explodes from the dummy.
SOLDIER
Congratulations. You’ve been adequately trained to fight aliens.
A tactical space suit finishes printing on the Soldier’s desk. The Soldier takes out the space suit from the printer and an ear piece from a cardboard box under the desk and hands both to Markus.
SOLDIER
Place the ear piece in now.
Markus obeys.
SOLDIER
Please no sudden moves as the ear piece calibrates.
VOICE (O.S.)
(in the earpiece)
You’re one to follow instructions well.
Markus freezes.
The soldier nods, knowing.
SOLDIER
Please report to section 43-Alpha.
Markus walks away, stunned.
In the background, other conversations are overheard similar to one Markus just encountered, with other titles being given, including exterminator, weapon printer, cleaner, and exempt from civic duty.
VOICE (O.S.)
You would do well to follow these next instructions. You have been given one more shot in your short range pulse blaster. Be on the lookout for mutineers. Your earpiece has a camera on it. We will know if you come into contact with a mutineer. We will know if you do not do your civic duty and retaliate against a mutineer.
Markus sees Apollo, blaster strapped over his back, in the section he’s shuffling toward.
VOICE (O.S.)
If you catch any dissenters, we expect you to continue to do the right thing.
APOLLO
Markus.
Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.
APOLLO
Over hear.
MARKUS
Apollo, I’m glad to see you.
APOLLO
Same.
(whispering)
Listen—
MARKUS
I’ve been meaning to tell you, I had this dream. I know we don’t usually dream in cryo sleep. It’s supposed to be impossible. Doesn’t matter. You know what happened?
APOLLO
Keep ye voice down.
MARKUS
There were two brothers and a king.
APOLLO
Markus, listen—
MARKUS
The king would execute both brothers, unless one was willing to…to, um…
APOLLO
Yeah, but that’s not how the fookin’ story ends, innit?
MARKUS
Excuse me?
Apollo grabs Markus by the shoulders.
APOLLO
The two brothers caved the fookin’ king’s head in.
MARKUS
GOD, tell me what to do.
APOLLO
Listen. I’m ye fookin’ prophet, and we’re gonna cap these tyrannical bastards before we fight for them.
VOICE (O.S.)
You know what to do.
The drone of the room is interrupted by screams coming from another section.
APOLLO
It’s not time?
Markus catches a glimpse of a soldier holding an earpiece to his ear, before walking toward him and Apollo.
Markus pushes Apollo out of the crowd.
APOLLO
What’re you doing?
Markus
(forcing the words out of his mouth)
You…You’re a mutineer!
Realization washes over Apollo’s face, his eyes screaming in horror.
Markus raises the blaster, weighing five times heavier in his hands than when he first received it.
APOLLO
What’re you talking about? I was just—
KERPLOW!!
Markus drops the blaster to the ground. His eyes will his friend back to life.
The SOLDIER walks up and hands the blaster back to Markus.
SOLDIER
Very good.
Markus takes the blaster automatically, his eyes still transfixed on the man he murdered.
-
Cam
This was a great read. It was fast paced and kept my interest all the way through. Just a few thoughts.
Apollo’s accent was a little hard to understand sometimes. I had to reread his lines a few times to understand what he was saying. A screenwriting instructor, years ago, advised me not to write an accent into dialogue, but rather, tell the reader the character has an accent (i.e., Irish, Russian, Latin, etc. ) and write normally. Allow the actor to interpret the accent.
The ending was also a little confusing. I had to read it again to understand that Markus killed Apollo, if I have that right. It’s a surprise, which was great, given Markus’ beliefs. But I don’t know what really happens to Apollo. Is he vaporized, charred, dead on the ground? Not sure.
I think the line “His eyes will his friend back to life” is what may have confused me.
Other than this, it was a great read. Very good.
Dana
-
Thanks for the encouraging words Dana!
I remember hearing a similar bit of advice with regards to writing accents, and somehow forgot. Great note, and I’ll be sure to course correct.
Ah, my inconsistent use of description (sometimes great, sometimes confusing as hell) rears its ugly head once more. I’ll make the necessary adjustments.
Thanks so much!
Cam
-
-
Hey Cameron! So, I changed the genre and logline of my script and had to redo a bunch of stuff, which is why I’m posting so late. You want to exchange feedback once more? LMK!
-
Hey Matthew!
I’d love to exchange feedback!
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Hey Cam!
I liked your scene alot!
Biggest pros:
-Characters are well defined. Through dialogue, action and tone, we can see the difference between them.
-Action is great and it flows quickly, keeping me entertained the whole time.
Areas that could possibly improve:
-The descriptions are hard to get at times, mainly in how the bunks are set up in the beginning and the action at the very end.
-It seemed like a quick jump between him never killing to him killing a mutineer. We also don’t see why he changed. However, I realize the reason could be given either before or after this scene.
I do have one other question: I remember from an earlier draft that the script was about Markus saving his son…but here he says he has no kids. I’m guessing that’ s part of the overall story?
-
Hey Matthew!
I agree whole heartedly the turn happens a little too quick. So, that may be the biggest challenge this evening when I can get to it. The Markus plot is more of a B-Plot, having almost no connection to the story between Sully and his son, except to give greater context to the story world, the ending, and provide a character to follow prior to said ending when the A-plot and B-plot do merge into the same movie. So, any information prior to these scenes that you, Kate, and Dana have brought up as potentially missing is exclusively my fault for not being clear, and is something I need to address.
Thanks again for your help!
Cam
-
-
-
-
Hi Cameron – I have been a bit out of the loop but am back. I’d really appreciate feedback on my V2 if you have the time meanwhile a few comments from me on this ( and if it isnt yr most recent I apologize.)
So #1 this is not my genre but I am hooked in spite of my bias!
great set ups! the opening is appropriately horrific!
not sure who plummets to the ground – not Markus I gather.
nice little incidents that establish who Markus is ( so what he does at the end is more shocking)
Love the Apollo character but not sure why the accent.
The tension builds surely and horribly.
The mother and child it is great -maybe more about how if it affects Markus?
Excellent foreshadowing.
The lines and which is going where and why/how Apollo gets to change lines is a bit confusing but maybe with the visual not so much. Is it clear that one line is the disabled group?
I dont know what this is about but from this – beginning? I get it is Markus’s journey.
and I am certainly interested to know what that is. So, job well done!
Oh and found this:
Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.APOLLO
Over hear.HERE
Good Job Cameron ( as aways!)
-
Hey Kate!
Great notes! Can’t wait to implement them!
I’ll be sure to get to your V2 later this evening.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
-
Cameron’s being Dramatic (V.3)
(Adjusted Markus’ turning point at the end to make it a little more believable, wrote the accents to be much less severe and simply referenced them with the relevant character’s introduction, and hopefully made the descriptions clearer. Thanks again for the amazing notes, Dana, Matthew, and Kate!)
INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – CRYOPODS
Hundreds of pods cling to each of the four walls of a massive room. The rows of pods ascend all the way up a thirty foot high ceiling.
Several crimson lights flash and scan the room.
COMPUTER VOICE
(Off screen)
Scan complete. Emergency call on Venus Prime, Colony 7 received. Diversion initiated.
The red light vanishes.
Fluorescent lights flicker on overhead.
The pods open.
A young religious missionary, MARKUS, groans as he sits up. He’s on his way into space to avoid being drafted into a ground war on Earth, desperate to maintain his innocence and save lives by spreading the good news.
Markus hits his head on the pod immediately above him. He holds his head as he still strains to fully wake up. He reaches for the edge of his pod and grasps a hand.
The hand shakes away Markus’ hand. The hand belongs to a BURLEY MAN.
Markus looks over, surprised.
BURLEY MAN
Watch it!
The burley man continues his descent.
Markus peaks out of his pod, watching a waterfall of passengers climb out of their pods.
A foot steps down on Markus’ head.
Markus pulls his head back in fast…
Causing the foot to slip.
VOICE (O.S.)
(in a thick Cockney accent)
Oh my god!
Markus, frozen, watches two feet dangling in front of his bunk.
He snaps out of it and places his hands underneath the dangling feet.
MARKUS
I’m sorry!
The weight on his hands starts to make Markus slide toward the edge of his bunk.
MARKUS
Heavenly Father, give me strength!
VOICE
(straining)
I’m not…letting go now!
Markus presses up with all his strength…
Lifting the feet up, until suddenly…
The weight has left his hands…
But Markus slides out of his bunk…
Barely catching the edge before he plummets to the floor twelve feet below.
Markus, looking down, catches his breath.
VOICE
Hey! Hey you!
Markus looks up.
Above him is APOLLO, about the same age as Markus, but different in every visible metric. Where Markus is bookish to the nth degree, Apollo is a physical specimen, almost like he’s the actual Greek god, with the exception of a missing arm and the accent.
APOLLO
Thanks, mate! Now could you move? My arm’s gettin’ tired.
INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – FEEDING PEN
Markus follows a line of people down a narrow hallway. There’s barely enough room for him to turn around and talk with Apollo just behind him.
The line crashes to a full stop. Some awkward shuffling concludes in everyone facing a tube and tray. Slop flushes out of the tubes and lands on the tray with an audible squish, but no one seems to mind the conditions, as a dull roar of pleasantries fills the hall.
Markus begins to silently pray to himself.
Watching Markus’ closed eyes, Apollo steals a couple bites off his plate.
APOLLO
Just so you know, it was the fella next to you.
Markus continues praying silently.
APOLLO
Like I said…
(grabbing more food)
Fella next to you. Takin’ full advantage of a wall flower such as yourself.
The FELLA next to Markus tries to stab his spoon into Apollo’s hand, but misses and hits Markus’ tray.
The bang of the dish wear jolts Markus out of his prayer, seeing Fella’s spoon deep in his slop.
MARKUS
I would’ve been happy to share if you’d have asked.
Fella takes his spoon away.
FELLA
(in a similar accent to Apollo)
It’d be bad luck to steal from a holy man.
MARKUS
Well, what brings you two out to the final frontier?
FELLA
Work.
APOLLO
Draft dodging.
Markus blushes. Really?
APOLLO
Yeah, I’d be a fuckin’ angel o’death on them bastards. But my good hand’s tied up at the moment.
MARKUS
Seems our nations have a funny way of signing up only the most qualified.
APOLLO
Yeah. You can tell your god was forced to give me a handicap. The son of a bitch knew how much of a killing machine I was to become.
MARKUS
Well, you’re not exactly the only one GOD didn’t plan to have drafted.
APOLLO
Ah, so you think draft dodging makes us brothers?
MARKUS
Shhhhhh!
APOLLO
Hey, don’t sweat it! Hegemony’s above all that, yeah?
A buzz alerts the passengers.
INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)
Good morning, passengers. First I would like to apologize for any inconvenience. Our voyage has been delayed. A call has been made for liquidators to assemble at Venus Prime, colony seven.
The feeding pen gives an audible sound of concern.
INTERCOM VOICE (O.S.)
You will report at o’seven hundred in the assembly bay for your roles. You will be required to present proof that you are with a child of your own, or are too disabled to assist in this effort to relieve our brothers and sisters on Venus Prime, colony seven. Enjoy your meal.
The line explodes into a chaotic buzz of questions and concerns.
MARKUS
(to Apollo)
Hey, what did all of that mean?
APOLLO
You’re a preacher. You know how to read between the lines.
FELLA
What he be sayin’ is you two dodged a draft so you could be conscripted.
INT. PASSENGER VESSEL – LOADING CORRIDOR
A back and forth line of bodies fills up the entirety of a hallway. Barely lit by fluorescent lighting, it’s a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.
Above the ceiling and lights is a honeycomb metal grid, where armed guards survey the passengers, isolating different conversations.
Apollo follows Markus who keeps up a constant prayer in line, while two lines on opposite sides of them walk the other way. Everyone, eventually, is walking toward the exit, illuminated at the end of the tight room.
APOLLO
You ever think about dyin’?
MARKUS
I’m a preacher.
APOLLO
Fair. So, why’d you dodge the draft?
MARKUS
I can’t kill.
APOLLO
Ha! You’ll kill before the end of the day.
MARKUS
Yeah? I’ll drop my oath that easily?
APOLLO
You’ll be killin’ aliens the minute you see they’re teeth. That or…
Markus lifts his head up from his praying hands.
MARKUS
I’m not a killer.
APOLLO
You’re a die-er then.
MARKUS
I’ll pray for you.
APOLLO
I’ll take it and your services, mate.
MARKUS
What do you want from me?
Behind them, a panel of the ceiling opens, allowing for the guards to pull up one of the PASSENGERS.
PASSENGER
Wait! I didn’t mean it! I didn’t—
The ceiling panel is replaced, and the line keeps moving forward like nothing happened.
Apollo sighs heavily, trying to gather his thoughts.
APOLLO
(still looking behind at the source of the passenger’s pleas)
Yeah, I’m gonna need you to use that education you got and read between some fuckin’ lines.
MARKUS
Send whatever you want to say to GOD.
APOLLO
That was your fuckin’ god they just took.
MARKUS
Stop it! There’s no way we’re getting out of this by being violent.
APOLLO
Markus, what do you think this line is for?
Markus slams his forehead into his prayer hands.
APOLLO
I’m no preacher man, but I know your god asked Gideon to spread the fuckin’ word. I know you’ll answer his fuckin’ call.
MARKUS
Wait, what?
APOLLO
This is why you got out of the draft, mate. Think about it. GOD called you here. Now answer his fuckin’ call.
Apollo ducks under the iron bar separating the lines, trading places with one of the passengers.
Markus thinks about his place in all of this.
INT. HANGAR
Markus waits his turn in line. A MOTHER and CHILD stand in front of a desk with a SOLDIER behind it. A long 3-D printer runs the length of the desk, with a feeder of materials sitting on the floor next to the desk.
MOTHER
This is a mistake! This is my son!
The soldier refuses to make eye contact with the mother.
SOLDIER
Mam, we’ve been through this. He is not your son.
MOTHER
He is! So what if he’s adopted!?
The child starts to cry.
CHILD
Mamma, what does adopted mean?
SOLDIER
Only biological parents are exempt. Now get out of line and report to your post.
MOTHER
He’s my son! I’ve raised him from birth! You have all of the papers!
Two other soldiers come to the line. They pry the child from his mother.
CHILD
Mamma! Mamma!
The mother is dragged away by one soldier, as the other soldier takes the kicking and screaming child.
MOTHER
You can’t do this!
SOLDIER
Next!
Markus, wide eyed, steps forward.
SOLDIER
Name and bunk number?
MARKUS
What’ll happen to them?
SOLDIER
Your name and bunk number, civilian.
MARKUS
Markus Smirnov. Bunk–
SOLDIER
And your bunk number?
MARKUS
Bunk 67A.
The soldier scans his book, makes a couple notes and stamps several documents.
MARKUS
Excuse me, I’m a holy man.
SOLDIER
Do you have a ‘biological’ child, or are you disabled?
Markus opens his mouth to answer.
SOLDIER
Adopted children will not be identified as your own.
MARKUS
No.
SOLDIER
No what?
MARKUS
No. No kids, and–
SOLDIER
And, you’re obviously not disabled. You’re on exterminator duty.
What looks like a double-barrel shotgun, with an axe blade on the butt of the gun and a handle running the length of the barrel finishes printing from the 3-D printer and slides out toward Markus on a moving shelf.
SOLDIER
This is a short range pulse blaster. You will not refer to it by any other name.
Markus takes the weapon carefully, as though it may actually bite him.
MARKUS
Isn’t this illegal?
SOLDIER
No. Guns are illegal. This is a short range pulse blaster.
MARKUS
I swore an oath.
SOLDIER
(ignoring)
You kill aliens with it. Keep it pointed at the ground at all times. If you see an alien, get up close and make sure you don’t shoot your comrades.
The Soldier waves for Markus to step up to a yellow line. A torn up dummy stands about a yard away.
SOLDIER
Remember to keep it pointed at the ground. From the line to the dummy is how close you want to be before taking aim. Aim down the sights.
Markus aims down the sights of the gun.
SOLDIER
You have one shot. You will not be equipped with more until the moment you’re deployed, Now, fire.
Markus pulls the trigger.
The shotgun kicks back, and a plume of rock and smoke explodes from the dummy.
SOLDIER
Congratulations. You’ve been adequately trained to fight aliens.
A tactical space suit finishes printing on the Soldier’s desk. The Soldier takes out the space suit from the printer and an ear piece from a cardboard box under the desk and hands both to Markus.
SOLDIER
Place the ear piece in now.
Markus obeys.
SOLDIER
Please no sudden moves as the ear piece calibrates.
VOICE (O.S.)
(in the earpiece)
You’re one to follow instructions well.
Markus freezes.
The soldier nods, knowing.
SOLDIER
Please report to section 43-Alpha.
Markus walks away, stunned.
In the background, other conversations are overheard similar to the one Markus just encountered, with other titles being given, including exterminator, weapon printer, cleaner, and exempt from civic duty.
VOICE (O.S.)
You would do well to follow these next instructions. You have been given one more shot in your short range pulse blaster. Be on the lookout for mutineers. Your earpiece has a camera on it. We will know if you come into contact with a mutineer. We will know if you do not do your civic duty and retaliate against a mutineer.
Markus sees Apollo, blaster strapped over his back, in the section he’s shuffling toward.
VOICE (O.S.)
If you catch any dissenters, we expect you to continue to do the right thing.
APOLLO
Markus.
Markus makes a motion, keeping his hands low, hoping Apollo catches it.
APOLLO
Over here.
MARKUS
Apollo, I’m glad to see you.
APOLLO
Same.
(whispering)
Listen—
MARKUS
I’ve been meaning to tell you, I had this dream. I know we don’t usually dream in cryo sleep. It’s supposed to be impossible. Doesn’t matter. You know what happened?
APOLLO
Keep your voice down.
MARKUS
There were two brothers and a king.
APOLLO
Markus, listen—
MARKUS
The king would execute both brothers, unless one was willing to…to, um…
APOLLO
Yeah, but that’s not how the fuckin’ story ends, innit?
MARKUS
Excuse me?
Apollo grabs Markus by the shoulders.
APOLLO
The two brothers caved the fuckin’ king’s head in for their troubles.
MARKUS
GOD, tell me what to do.
APOLLO
Listen. I’m your fuckin’ prophet, and we’re gonna cap these tyrannical bastards before we fight for them.
VOICE (O.S.)
You know what to do.
The drone of the room is interrupted by gunshots and screams coming from another section.
APOLLO
It’s not time?
Markus catches a glimpse of a soldier holding an earpiece to his ear. The soldier starts walking toward him and Apollo.
Markus pushes Apollo out of the crowd.
APOLLO
What’re you doing?
MARKUS
(forcing the words out of his mouth)
You…You’re a mutineer.
Realization washes over Apollo’s face, his eyes screaming in horror.
Markus tries raising the blaster, which feels like it weighs five times heavier in his hands than when he first received it.
Apollo makes a reach for the blaster…
And tries to rip it out of Markus’ hands.
APOLLO
Let it go, Markus.
MARKUS
(fighting to hold onto the blaster)
You’re a mutineer.
Apollo trips up Markus, sending him to the ground.
APOLLO
(mounting Markus)
What’re you talking about? I was just—
KERPLOW!!
Apollo lands a few feet away with an ugly flop.
Markus leaps to his feet, and upon seeing the body, drops the blaster to the ground. His hands fold into a prayer as his eyes will the gaping, cauterized hole in Apollo’s chest closed, but to no avail. The body that was once Apollo lays still and dead.
The SOLDIER walks up and hands the blaster back to Markus.
SOLDIER
Very good.
Markus accepts the blaster without thinking, his eyes still transfixed on the man he murdered.
-
-
-
Dev Ross – DAY 10 – Dramatic devices
Clay Caine: Self-righteous, committed, passionate, deluded.
Seeks to regain his former power by killing a black leader.
Hannah Caine: Self-deprecating, timid, passive.
Wants Clay to leave his position in KKK so she can regain her family.
Emmy Caine: Lacks resiliency, needs approval despite wanting to be independent.
Goes from scared and needing love, to defiant to defeated.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS LESSON WAS TO WORK TO DIAL UP THE TENSION BY HAVING MY CHARACTERS ALL WORKING FOR DIFFERENT ENDS.
EXT. CLAY’S FRONT LAWN – DAWN
The sun just coming up, Clay hurriedly rakes up remnants of the burnt cross before the rest of his neighbors wake up. Clay spots a woman, ANGELA, walking her dog down the sidewalk toward him. He forces a smile.
CLAY
Morning, Angela!
She hurriedly leads her dog across the street.
ANGELA
Yes, morning, Clay! Have a nice day!
CLAY
Sure will! You, too!
He dumps the debris into the trash.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Clay, Hannah, and Emmy eat a quiet breakfast when Hannah, though keeping her head down, can no longer remain silent.
HANNAH
I don’t understand, Clay. Why us?
CLAY
Us? This is about me. They’re sending me a message.
HANNAH
A message?
Emmy looks as if she’s about to speak but doesn’t.
CLAY
I’m not doing enough and fast enough, so Adam Spencer’s minions are goading me.
HANNAH
Okay, so what do we do?
CLAY
I’ll handle it.
Hannah, anxious, gets up from the table.
HANNAH
You’ll handle it? Clay, there was a cross burning in our front yard! What’s next? Bullets through the windows? For the love of God, we need to leave!
CLAY
You think I’m too weak to handle those sons of bitches? You think I’m so afraid of them, I’d leave?
Backpedaling…
HANNAH
Of course, you’re not afraid of them. I just want peace. I just want-
Hannah makes herself stop.
CLAY
Lord, I’m sick of you mincing words like I’m too frail to handle what my wife has to say.
HANNAH
I want out of this! I’m sick of it! Can’t we just live with other people without having to hate them?
CLAY
I don’t hate anybody! I’m just trying to set things back to where they are supposed to be.
Emmy, who’s been holding back…
EMMY
Stop! This isn’t about you, Daddy!
CLAY
Then who? You see any uppity black people living here?
EMMY
I’m pregnant.
Hannah looks to her husband before responding. When he doesn’t, she does…
HANNAH
So, all right. It’s never a good time to have a baby but I’m sure our families can work it out.
CLAY
Your mother’s right. We’ll work it out, but what’s this got to do with a cross burning on our lawn?
EMMY
My baby’s daddy is black.
HANNAH
Oh, God!
CLAY
You laid with a black boy?! I’ll choke the life right out of him!
EMMY
No!
CLAY
Why? Because you and your momma think I’m impotent now?
EMMY
No, because I love him. We had it all worked out. He’s moving soon to take a job out of state. I was to follow him in a month. No one would know. I would just come to visit you.
Like he was gut-punched, Clay can’t breathe.
EMMY
But then I told my friend, because I had to tell someone, and she must’ve told someone else…
CLAY
Tell your friend it was a joke, and then end it!
HANNAH
No! You know how I feel about that!
EMMY
And I wouldn’t! I want it!
CLAY
You want it. You know who I am, and you did this anyway. Leave my sight.
Emmy starts picking up the dishes.
EMMY
I’ll do the dishes first and then I’ll go upstairs.
CLAY
No, you leave my house now.
EMMY
You’re kicking me out?
Momma?
Hannah reaches for her daughter, but Clay raises a hand to stop her.
CLAY
(To Hannah)
We no longer have a daughter.
(To Emmy)
Get out.
Emmy holds back.
HANNAH
Can I help her pack at least?
CLAY
Everything she has, we’ve given to her. She leaves with nothing.
Emmy looks to her mother for one last chance at stopping this but Hannah’s paralyzed.
CLAY
Get out!
Crying, Emmy runs out. Hannah’s sobs.
HANNAH
At least let her take a few things.
When Clay doesn’t respond, Hannah rushes out.
-
HI Dev, We’ve been following each other’s work, so I thought I’d send comments- Great scene. Good tension, good surprises, believable reactions, good twist and sets up a future. 1) cleaning up the debris- Why isn’t Hannah sneaking looks/watching from the window? Would Emmy offer to help and get pushed away? It seems to me that Clay would take his confused, angry, frightened emotions out on anyone nearby. He seems too passive. 2) Perhaps lay in a threat of unforeseen consequences of banishing Emmy- and lay that into subtext. 3) To Emmy, Hannah’s betrayal (inaction and cowardice) would be horrifically stinging. I think a reaction to mom would heighten the tension. Often, in this kind of scene, it’s impossible to eat food and this, too, could be an Emmy reaction, aka, I don’t want your food, I don’t want anything from you… I have to say that my reaction to this and your previous scenes make me feel that the antagonist/opponent is not Lincoln but Adams. Nice work, Dev. June
-
Dev
This is a great scene. Lots of tension and conflict within the family. It’s a good use of triangulation between a father’s pride, the mother’s unconditional love for her child, and the daughter’s fear of her parents’ rejection.
And Hanna suggesting “Bullets through the window” creates the anticipation of escalating violence that may come later. That creates the future of the scene. That was good.
I only have two observations.
1) At the beginning, if his neighbor were to completely ignore him and say nothing in response to his greeting, it might add tension and frustration to Clay that his community is shunning him.
2) When Clay tells Emmy to leave after asking the question “You
know who I am, and you did this anyway?” seems a little abrupt. After the question, a silent pause in the argument where his family watches Clay’s anger build, would create tension. Not knowing what he’s going to say or do until he finally explodes and tells Emmy to “Get out of my house” would be a good extreme reaction.These would be my only suggestions. Otherwise, this is a very good give-and-take between characters.
On a side note, were you able to figure out the dilemma you were having with the transition or switch between your two characters?
Dana
-
-
Day 10 (Dramatic Devices) – Anita Gomez is being Dramatic!
What I learned doing this assignment: If I could write every scene paying attention to packing in this much dramatic tension, I’d love this script! 😉
Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life (due to kidney failure) is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Character Name: Judge Cyrus Kilner
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: In this scene he now knows Danica did not have an abortion, but she doesn’t know that he knows.
Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
EXT. UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS – DAY
Establishing shot. The New Orleans 5th Circuit Building is imposing, nearly filling a square block.
INT. US COURT OF APPEALS BUILDING – CONTINUOUS
A lone figure walks up the grand interior marble stairs and then turns down a notably long arched corridor. Her heels echo and reverberate the hallowed halls of justice.
Danica stops outside the impressively massive oak doors that lead into the same courtroom in which we heard arguments for the anti-abortion bill just days ago.
INT. COURTROOM – CONTINUOUS
She enters. But now she’s alone. If the dark wood-paneled walls could give off a smell they would be dark chocolate laced with desperation. The tall windows are framed by heavy blue velvet drapes and gold tassels.
She stares at the three leather chairs behind the imposing bench whose backdrop is intricately carved, bringing to mind images of kingly thrones.
One could easily imagine the likes of William Jennings Bryan and Clarence Darrow squaring off right here; or Atticus Finch pronouncing his moral arguments in this very room.
Danica’s reverie is broken as a clerk and stenographer enter to set up for the day. Others begin to filter in, filling the rows with suits.
One of the Junior partners props up several easels with large foam boards of information in the well area that he then covers over with black cloths.
Danica sets out her pens, pads, files and a few referenced law books very precisely on the”defenders” table as if these were her implements of war.
CLERK
ALL RISE!
The now-packed courtroom gets to its collective feet as the three Appellate Judges enter in their flowing black robes. Cyrus Kilner sits in the middle, shooting a smirk in Danica’s direction.
Dan Greene, Danica’s Senior Partner, enters the back of the courtroom in time to catch the look. He sits in the row behind Danica and her co-counselor.
JUDGE 1 bangs the gavel and declares this court in session.
JUDGE CYRUS
(addressing Danica directly)
Counselor, whenever you’re ready to begin your counter-argument.
Danica stands, shuffles some papers and seems flustered.
Then she heads to the easels and boards and dramatically whips off the black coverings one after the other. These are the statistics we saw earlier in her law office conference room.
They read in part:
– UNICEF Ranks the U.S. 40th in child care.
– A woman’s risk of dying from giving birth is 14 times higher than having an abortion. The mortality rate of a colonoscopy is 40 times greater than an abortion.
-The WHO estimates that unsafe abortions cause 68,000 maternal deaths worldwide EACH YEAR.
Dan Greene catches Danica’s eye as she stands before the bench.
DANICA
Your honors, these facts and 52 pages more are already in the brief we filed with this court.
(beat)
But facts are not always truth. The TRUTH is – there are many reasons a woman might choose to make the very personal healthcare choice to terminate a pregnancy. And only the individual woman knows the truth of her situation. She may have to weigh the price of a life-long deformity in her child, or, knowing the child will be brought into abject poverty or be born into an abusive household – perhaps the very one she herself was abused in as a victim of incest –
Danica’s impassioned speech has captured the spectator’s collective attention.
DANICA (CONT’D)
These – these are the ugly truths that the woman herself must face and come to terms with. This proposed law would force the unwilling to bear the unwanted.
Danica reaches for some of her notes and Dan Greene gives her a nod of encouragement.
DANICA (CONT’D)
The so-called Texas ‘Heartbeat’ law after which this is patterned, did not stop abortions. We now have enough statistics to see that the state’s six-week limit actually had so many women rushing to the decision to abort that the clinics in Texas as well as the neighboring states of Oklahoma and also here in Louisiana have actually seen a surge in abortions. This rush to commit the very act you say you want to avoid is because a woman barely has a positive test result in her hand before, “Time’s Up!” – a clinic might find a heartbeat – and remember, a heartbeat does not make a weeks-old embryo viable – but before she can even wrap her head around her own circumstances, the state is forcing a decision!
Danica winces and puts her arm to her back. She goes to her table and leans there a moment attempting to hide her discomfort by shuffling papers a moment.
Cyrus takes the moment to pounce.
JUDGE CYRUS
Counselor Brahms, tell me, do you think the father’s opinion counts for anything when weighing this decision?
Danica straightens, pale, but with fire in her eyes.
DANICA
Obviously Judge, child-bearing falls disproportionately on the woman from the moment of conception, and often through child-rearing. Let me pose the same question in reverse – What if a father wants the mother to have an abortion because he doesn’t want the obligation, or the inconvenience of an illegitimate child to ruin his reputation? Does he have the right to force his own selfish agenda onto that woman’s reproductive freedom?
Danica and Cyrus are facing off with one-on-one intensity, their past history bubbling to the surface.
JUDGE CYRUS
I suppose in that case a woman can choose to adopt the child out.
DANICA
To terminate or not terminate is a constitutional right – it is already established reproductive justice LAW.
JUDGE CYRUS
Yes, “a woman’s right to choose” is a well-known placard slogan. I am asking about the rights of the father, AND the rights of the unborn child.
Danica begins to pace. She breaks out in a cold sweat and again puts her hand to the small of her back. But she gathers herself to declare with some force –
DANICA
Years ago I myself had to face this very difficult and very personal choice. And trust me, it was not easy. A pregnancy disrupts a woman’s body, her education, her employment, and often the entirety of the plans she holds for her future. And no, the biological sperm donor was not interested in being a father.
JUDGE CYRUS
So the decision to abort can just be one of convenience?
Cyrus’ flippant attitude has now made the other two Judges uncomfortable.
JUDGE 3
We are not here to argue what has already been established by the US Supreme Court. The argument before us isn’t whether to ban abortions Ms. Brahms, but when is the sound moral and medical timing for an abortion to be made, and when do we fall into the category of fetal homicide?
DANICA
Homicide Your honor?
The term trips up her focus, but it is her body’s kidney that is giving out –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent – not every child should be born into a life of possible pain and suffering. Yesterday we heard theoretical arguments that every unborn child has the potential to be the next Einstein or discover the cure to cancer…. We can’t deal in the theoretical, because what if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?
Once again Danica has to lean on her desk.
JUDGE 1
Ms. Brahms, are you alright? –
DANICA
… access to safe procedures ensures…. Ensures that – Roe V Wade clearly states –
Danica swoons…
DANICA (CONT’D)
… the fetal age of viability –
She faints dead away landing with a crash on the courtroom floor.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by Anita Gomez.
-
Hi Anita, wow, Dani’s problem is a big one. Ooofa! You have a great set up and it’s awesome that she doesn’t know that Cyrus knows about her baby.
(As always, discard any of my comments that don’t resonate with you. )
I love the descriptions of the courtroom: the “Dark chocolate laced with desperation”- nice line! and “Implements of war” excellent. I like the dank feeling of the room but they go on long, and start to read like a novel. in general, I want to know about the other people in the room- Who are they? Does she feel awkward? The intensity of eyes on the back of her head? Are any supporters? Foes? Press?
You’ve set up the emotional situation excellently. I think you can explore a couple of things to, as you mentioned, ‘cut the density” and to make way for more exchanges/power punches.
Dani’s co council can be utilized for private/strategizing discussions. This is an emotional and hormonal event for Dani- so put her in the hot seat.
How can you do that? Misogynist judge. Rude comments behind her. Irritating co-counsel. Amp up the tension. Set up a time clock.
Dani’s emotions might go up and down. Let Dani misstep and rise again. This is your battle scene and so weapons should be fired in both directions. Maybe Dani’s co-counsel is frightened… Cyrus, too, has his other judges to converse with, so the dynamics in the room can expand.
How much of a back and forth exchange can you get away with? I want to see Cyrus and Dani go head to head, and I would like to see Dani triumph. There is a lot of back and forth at the end of “A few Good Men” with Tom Cruise/Jack Nickelson. They got away with a focus on dialogue. Is it possible to do that in this piece?
BTW, The statistics you state of abortion death to giving birth, colonoscopy, etc are impressive, Also impressive and generally unknown is how limiting the abortion window causes far more abortions. These are great amo. Why are they stated all together on boards? I suggest that you separate them, and use each fact as a weapon to zing in there as counter arguments.
The rest of the information Dani discusses is well trod- so those arguments don’t have enough power and water down your scene. They feel expositional. I think the key here is editing: For example the graph starting with TRUTH:
“The TRUTH? WHY would a woman terminate a pregnancy? To protect the child from a life of misery. Deformity. Hunger. Poverty. Physical abuse. Drug addiction. Abortion is never a first choice- but it’s a LEGAL choice that women make to spare a new life a copy of the horrific existence that they themselves live.”
What else does Dani do to rise above the fray? Could she bring wire coat hangers into the courtroom? Could she show pictures of a woman who almost died of sepsis due to a botched abortion?
Can she have even more insight about the judge- his wife, for example- that she can insinuate? Her goal should be to throw Cyrus off-balance. When she talks about her ‘personal experience’- of course, she’s referring to the one with him- So go straight on and nail him with it. “A sperm does not make a person a father. A commitment makes a father… and (go for his throat)
I know it’s a courtroom scene, the formality doesn’t play. Go for the jugular, tighten and cut.
Last comment, I’m really disappointed that Dani passes out! I’m not sure what the intent is, or what happens next- but I wanted her to kick that bill out of chamber.
Good wishes! You’ve got a lot of great material here. June
-
Hi June,
Thanks once again for the excellent feedback. I will be taking another pass at this in a few days…going out of town to visit my daughter. So marinating this a bit will help me come back at it with fresh eyes.
To answer one question – I needed Dani to collapse not because she couldn’t cope with facing Cyrus, but her kidney failure has gotten critical, making the need for a transplant immediate, or she dies.
Cheers,
Anita
-
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by
-
Anna is being dramatic. Day 10
What I learned from this exercise; This exercise left me with questions re marketability as this is so important, I had a previous first draft of this work which is totally different in tone. The original was some irony and some humor, it was a softer piece. This new version is neurotic, angry and dramatic. My question in feedback is which one would be more marketable? Which one is more entertaining?
SARAH WARWICK urban 30-something single parent of ELI She lost her job, it’s her birthday and her boyfriend has just dumped her, again. She is anguished and depressed.
VICTOR WARWICK
Her father is not a nice person. Ex-Army. Did not want a girl child, wanted a boy. Does not understand Sarah or her generation. Not emotionally bonded with his daughter.
DOROTHY WARWICK
A perfectionist in her appearance. Likes to display her wealth whenever possible. Is involved with the community. Has never worked outside the home. Has a 1950’s view of the world.Is always disappointed with Sarah for not being a mini-me.
OLD BUFFALO HOSPITAL
SITUATION Sarah’s place of employment (a charity for seniors) has just closed down. She is a financially strapped single mother, and her on and off boyfriend just dumped her.
INT.SARAH’S BEDROOM-NIGHT
Phone rings. Sarah wakes and answers the phone.
SPLIT SCREEN
Sarah’s parents are singing Happy Birthday.
SARAH
Mother? Father? yes, it’s just after midnight here. I know it’s about 8 in the morning where you are Thank you for the birthday song. Just very, very tired. I told you about the senior’s center; it closed a couple of days ago.
DOROTHY WARWICK a middle-aged, middle-class woman, with an uptight vibe, hair (worn up) makeup, and jewelry from the 90’s talks to Sarah. The background images are portraits and expensive wallpaper.
DOROTHY WARWICK
We thought we would send you a subscription to Country Life and a Marks and Spencer’s overseas treat hamper.
SARAH
Mom, did you hear what I just said? I’m unemployed.
DOROTHY
Yes dear, the hamper should be a help.
Thanks, Mother. Can I have a word with Father, please? Um, Hi there Father, I was wondering if this year you could send me some cash for my birthday. I’m laid off, not much yet in the way of a sensible job. It’s pretty desperate, I don’t have anything for next month. You know my wages were low, like all nonprofits. So I am worried about the rent, about everything really.
VICTOR WARWICK ex-military, successful businessman, Lions member. Has an arrogant air about him. Wearing a three-piece banker’s suit and a tie. Holding a cup and saucer (expensive antique) in one hand, phone in the other. Victor wanted a son, not a daughter.
VICTOR WARWICK
Are you asking for money Sarah? How much?
SARAH
How much? It’s going to take me a couple of months. I will get a bit from unemployment, pogey you know. It’s going to cost about three thousand for the rent, food, and utilities for two months It could just be a loan until I get sorted out.
Victor puts the cup and saucer down, looks depressed, puts his hand to his forehead, and speaks in an incredulous tone.
VICTOR
Did you just say three thousand dollars?
SARAH
No, I meant three thousand pounds, not dollars.
VICTOR
You know your mother just had the kitchen redone? And we are off to Italy next week with our friends, this is an expensive month Sarah. We did all we could for you. Expensive girls’ schools, ballet, and piano lessons. Yes, and before you say anything, I know you paid your way through Uni. Now if you could do that, why can’t you be more independent and take care of yourself now? When I was in the Army, the first rule was to depend on no one but yourself, stand up on your own two feet. You are an adult. Time to grow up Sarah. You always were the black sheep of the family.
DOROTHY
You should never have left your husband. And to think that your grandmother had to cope with rationing!
SARAH
But Dad, I’m a single mother! Don’t you care about your grandson? I am not a black sheep. And I resent you saying that. I only ever got drunk once in senior school, never smoked, and only tried pot once. And I did not get pregnant like some of my friends, so what the bloody hell are you complaining about, I was a good daughter! And I cannot instantly fix my life with a Swiss Army knife and dehydrated rations!
VICTOR
You were the first divorce in the family. Our friends were shocked. Your poor mother was so embarrassed. She no longer attends St.Agnes because of you. Some of the members at the Lions got a whiff of scandal and I stayed away from my friends and business connections for a while. We are only just recovering from that little scandal of yours, so don’t go playing the innocent with me my girl! No, there won’t be any money Sarah.
SARAH
Father, I was laid off, and the center closed down. I cannot just magic up a job. It’s not my fault. Surely to God …Father, Father please?
Sarah falls back on her bed. Drops the phone on the floor.
SARAH
Miserable buggers. I am going to post on Facebook that I lost my job, and I am taking my little boy off to the northern wilderness, to the Yukon, as I was desperate for work. I know that will make its way through the internet gossip mill. I’ll post a picture of bears, and the latest one of Eli. I am so angry.
Sarah puts the pillow over her face.
SARAH
A bottle of good red wine, all the Prozac and Ativan in the house and maybe cutting my wrists in the bathtub seems like an inviting option. It’s a dark hole with no way out. Good job I have Eli to consider, and the wrist slashing is off the table.
Dramatic devices used
Day 7 Vivid visual description, causing the reader to watch the movie in their mind.
Day 8 Emotional Description Engaging reader’s emotions
Day 9 Being bold, putting attitude in my writing
Day 10 Applying boldness to my own scripts.
-
Hi Anna,
Just read your post and enjoyed it. I think you set up Sarah’s tension and conflicts well and I certainly want to know how she gets past her dilemma. I just had three quick thoughts:
1) I am personally not a a fan of “split screens” because I think it takes us out of the cinematic experience. Perhaps you can write the 3-way conversation between Sarah and her mom and dad by cutting between them. I think the resulting individual slug-lines would be helpful in sorting out how you need to describe their backgrounds, etc. as it could give you a more dynamic setting for at least one of the parents… like maybe placing dad at his office or country club? – Whatever environment might tell us more about each of them without having to spell it out to us.
2) You mentioned this is a much darker version of a previous draft. It definitely goes dark at the end with suicidal ideation. Do you really need to show that deep a despair? Is there another way a dedicated single mom could portrait stress without going that far?
3) You wrote: “I will get a bit from unemployment, pogey you know” Is ‘pogey’ a UK reference? Perhaps an achronym for something?
That’s it! Hope these random thoughts are useful. Again, I enjoyed your writing, especially getting to know Sarah.
Regards,
-Anita
-
-
June! As always, great notes! Much to chew on. I’ll be addressing asap. As for the character of Adam… it’s tricky. He may well end up the protagonist but in a way I’m still figuring out. You already seem to be getting a lot of feedback on your work so I hope you won’t mind more. Haven’t read yours yet but your story has me already invested.
THANK YOU!
Dev
-
June,
Great dialogue all around! Each character is so deliciously defined by your now fast-paced, carefully chosen character-driven words. Only a few comments: A few times I felt scenes went on too long. An example is after Marilyn falls. I’m wondering why we need Jeanie and Conner (unless they’ve been established earlier)? I felt a CUT TO the hospital after she says, “Oh. Oh no…” would pick up the pace and get us where we need to be in the story quicker. The other scene was the one with Kim swimming and the guy hitting on her. I was left not knowing how this delivered any insightful information about her? It seemed a bit random and prolonged the scene. Other that that, GREAT STUFF!
Dev
-
Thank you! Dev for the kind words. I’ll have to think on the swim scene, as I got a couple of comments on that one- There are a lot of scenes at the Bellevue (aka gym) to follow so it sets that up- but I’ll have to think about why it sticks out. The Marilyn scene sets up her need for a great house sitter (she gets stuck in the hospital) and her need ultimately solves Roy and Kim’s problem of residence- because zit faced Connor is not a reliable kid. Sorry for the explanations, though. Maybe I’ll do a synopsis for the next posting? Thank you for your careful reading. good wishes. June
-
-
Alice is being Dramatic!
What I learned is
I also could use this on much longer series of scenes from Part 2, it could accommodate Dramatic Devices, but I’m still holding to approach that, saving it for next assignments.
I picked up this scene so that it would not be a hindrance as undone yet. It is relatively simple, though fragmental. It helped me a little bit with dialogs. Maybe more work on it, ain ‘t yet sure.
1. List your characters, their traits, and their SCL.
Protagonist
Name: THANAKH
Traits: Suspicious, Respectful, Argumentative, Intelligent
Subtext: Research, observation
Character Logline: Thanakh is a scientist, working as Head of the Lab at Research Institute who lost his girlfriend and must find out who is behind missing cases at RI to bring things to justice.
EXT. STREET PHONE BOOTH – AFTERNOON
Thanakh makes a phone call from street booth.
OFFICER (O.S.)
Reception.
THANAKH
It’s Thanakh again.
Pause.
OFFICER (O.C.)
Hello professor! What do you have?
THANAKH
Someone was coming to me at night. I know it’s not you, because you come open. Just tell me, if ORGANIZATION was behind that.
OFFICER (O.C.)
Beyond what?
THANAKH
All the MISSING CASES!
Pause.
OFFICER (O.C.)
This is YOUR Institution. Manage it by yourself.
THANAKH
Tell me. And if all this place would just disappear, would you do something?
Officer hangs up.
INT. HERO’S JOURNALIST BROTHER APPARTMENT – NIGHT
Brightly illuminated guest room of OTAK (33), Thanakh’s brother, journalist by profession. He resembles Thanakh, just being slightly taller, slim, his face elongated, skin tight on cheekbones, spotting thin mustaches.
Otak sits at the sofa, keeping handwriting quickly, as Thanakh transverse the room, throwing darts into target on the wall.
THANAKH
You keep writing?
OTAK
Cannot live without it.
THANAKH
Try to be a scientist. You won’t wish it.
Thanakh throws dart and hits the target.
OTAK
What’s your destination?
THANAKH
DESTINY!
EXT. POLICE CAR – NIGHT
Police car is submerged at darkness on empty side street under the building housing Otak’s apartment.
Window is open, and antenna protrudes out of it, police listening to conversation.
Officer shrugs his shoulders.
OFFICER
You never know what to expect from these DEVELOPED ones!
OFFICER #2
Lost case!
INT. HERO’S JOURNALIST BROTHER APPARTMENT – NIGHT
OTAK
Huge wheels of SCIENCE.
THANAKH
I don’t tell you everything.
OTAK
What is it, bro? Spill it…
-
Hey Alice! Want to exchange feedback?
-
Yeah, why not
-
-
-
DEV ROSS – VERSION 2
CLAY: Grand Dragon of the KKK who is slipping in power and wants it back.
HANNAH: Wants to keep her family together no matter the consequences.
EMMY: Afraid of the father she loves, needs her mother to support her.
EXT. CLAY’S FRONT LAWN – PREDAWN
In the shadows of predawn, Clay, wearing one of those forehead flashlights, hurriedly rakes up the burnt remnants of the cross burnt on his lawn the night before. The breaking dawn sends shafts of light over the neighborhood, forcing Clay to pick up his pace. No way he wants to be seen cleaning up this mess. Then, he spots a woman, ANGELA, walking her dog down the sidewalk toward him.
CLAY
(Under his breath)
Damnit.
He looks up at her, forces a smile.
CLAY
Hey! Morning there, Angela!
She hurriedly leads her dog across the street to avoid him.
ANGELA
Morning, Clay! You have a nice day!
CLAY
Sure will! You too!
He waits until she’s down the street before he angrily dumps the debris into the trash.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Hannah and Emmy gingerly pick at their breakfast while Clay seems determined to eat his like nothing is wrong. Hannah cautiously starts the conversation.
HANNAH
I don’t understand, Clay. Why us?
CLAY
Not us, me. They’re sending a message.
Emmy looks as if she’s about to speak but doesn’t.
CLAY (CONT’D)
I’m not doing enough and fast enough, so Adam Spencer’s minions are goading me.
Hannah, increasingly anxious, can no longer pretend to eat.
CLAY (CONT’D)
I’ll handle it.
HANNAH
You’ll handle it? Clay, there was a cross burned on our front lawn last night. What’s next? Bullets through the windows? For the love of God, why are you acting as if this was nothing?
CLAY
Because it’s an empty provocation. What? You think I’m too weak to handle those sons of bitches?
Backpedaling…
HANNAH
Of course not. Clay, I just want peace. I just want-
Clay slams his fist on the table.
CLAY
Lord! I’m sick of you mincing words like I’m too frail to handle what my wife has to say!
Hannah takes his plate, scraps food into the trash, cleans up with her face to the task rather than him.
HANNAH
I just want out of this. I’m sick of it. Can’t we just live with other people without having to hate them?
CLAY
I don’t hate anybody! I’m just trying to set things back to where they’re supposed to be. Why can’t you be supportive of me?!
Emmy, who’s been holding back…
EMMY
Stop!
Clay and Hannah finally take note their daughter.
EMMY
Daddy… This isn’t about you.
CLAY
No? Then who? You see any uppity black people living here?
Emmy forces her words out…
EMMY
I’m pregnant.
Hannah looks to her husband before responding. When he doesn’t, she tries to lightened things up.
HANNAH
So, all right. It’s never a good time for a baby – especially after having a cross burned on our lawn – but I’m sure our families can work it out.
CLAY
Your mother’s right. We’ll work it out, but what’s this got to do with what happened last night?
Emmy struggles with her answer.
HANNAH
Honey?
EMMY
He’s black.
HANNAH
What? Oh! Oh, God!
CLAY
You laid with a black boy?! My daughter? No. A child of mine would never do that because she would have respect for herself and for her family!
EMMY
I do have respect for you, Daddy, but times have changed!
CLAY
He raped you, didn’t he? Just like my poor sister was raped!
EMMY
No! I love him! We had it all worked out. He’s moving soon to take a job out of state. I was to follow him in a month. No one would know. I would just come to visit you.
Like he was gut-punched, Clay can’t breathe.
EMMY
But then I told my friend, because I had to tell someone, and she must’ve told someone else–
CLAY
–And before you know it, the whole town knows! Well, my sweet, stupid, little girl, you tell your friend it was a joke and then you end it!
HANNAH
Clay! You know how I feel about that!
EMMY
And I wouldn’t! I want it!
CLAY
You want it? You know who I am and you did this to me anyway? Get out of my sight.
Emmy starts picking up the dishes.
EMMY
I’ll do the dishes first and then I’ll go upstairs so you and momma can talk.
CLAY
So, we can talk? Let me remind you, this is my house and I’m telling you to leave and never come back.
Emmy searches her mother’s face.
EMMY
Momma?
Hannah reaches for her daughter, but Clay raises a hand to stop her.
CLAY
(To Hannah)
We no longer have a daughter.
Hannah strains toward her daughter but doesn’t dare make a move.
HANNAH
I’ll help you pack, honey.
Now Emmy’s gut-punched.
EMMY
You’ll help me pack?
Clay glares at his wife before turning to Emmy.
CLAY
No, you won’t. Everything she has, we’ve given to her.
(To Emmy)
You leave with nothing.
Emmy looks to her mother for one last chance at stopping this but Hannah’s paralyzed.
CLAY
Get out!
Crying, Emmy runs out. Hannah’s sobs.
HANNAH
Oh God! My baby! Clay, please?
CLAY
Don’t! This is all your fault with your ‘can’t we all just live together’ bullshit!
Clay upends the table and then storms from the room, leaving Hannah gasping for breath.
-
Hi Dev! I’m back (kinda..) I love how all this has evolved since I last checked in. I think having the women be a more active component, having impact on his life and choices is good. Maybe the revelation could be harder to make? maybe they have to pull it out of her more? maybe something interupts her as she is about to tell and then she has come come back to it? A phone call Caine has to take – so a moment with just Mom and daughter.. thinking out loud. But I am loving the family thing. Would you please look at mine?
-
-
PS81 – Dana is being Dramatic!
What I learned from this assignment:
Based on the skill mastery sheet, I decided to write a new opening for my script. I needed to introduce my protagonist in a more dramatic way that would create conflict and tension for later scenes.
Characters:
Character Name: Ellen Landry
Traits: sympathetic, hopeful, ambitious, anxious/insecure
Subtext: withholding, manipulative
Character Logline: Ellen is forced to play a dangerous, on-air game of life and death to save her kidnapped family from a violent ex-patient.
Possible Areas of Subtext: Ellen is forced to reveal secrets about her past family life to save her family.
SCENE:
FADE IN:
BLACK SCREEN
WOMAN (V.O.)
So, tell me what’s going on?
MAN (V.O.)
You know. The normal things…
(beat)
Life…
INT. OFFICE – ANYTIME
DR. ELLEN LANDRY sits comfortably in her therapist’s chair, surrounded by blackness. Nothing else is seen but her.
She’s a petite woman in her thirties, dressed by Saks Fifth Avenue to project power in contrast to her winsome, angelic demeanor. If not for her raven hair dusting her shoulders, we could imagine her fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling fairy dust.
She’s counseling a patient — off camera, never seen.
ELLEN
The last time you were here, you spoke about a new person in your life. How’s that working out?
MAN (O.S.)
It’s developing.
ELLEN
Is that a good thing? Do you see this as a long term relationship?
MAN
He’d like it to be.
ELLEN
And how do you feel about that?
MAN (O.S.)
Overwhelmed.
ELLEN
In what way?
MAN (O.S.)
I feel like I’m losing me. My opinions are no longer valued. I don’t get to make decisions. I feel very… pushed around.
ELLEN
Have you expressed your concerns to your partner?
MAN (O.S.)
I doubt they’d be heard… or even appreciated.
ELLEN
You have a right to your own voice.
MAN (O.S.)
Tell them that.
ELLEN
(surprised)
Them? There’s someone else involved in your relationship?
MAN (O.S.)
My life is very crowded.
ELLEN
How many partners are we talking about?
MAN (O.S.)
Four. Maybe five. I haven’t met them all yet.
ELLEN
Four or five? Is this some sort of group sexual dynamic?
The man LAUGHS, a depressed laugh.
MAN (O.S.)
If only…
(beat)
I feel very ganged up on. And I just want out.
ELLEN
If you’re not happy, by all means, you should walk away.
MAN (O.S.)
It’s not that simple. I can’t just leave. They’d win.
Ellen’s confusion is growing.
ELLEN
I don’t understand. Win what?
MAN (O.S.)
I can’t just disappear. I won’t. Not after they’ve treated me so badly. And I know Jason won’t do anything.
ELLEN
Who’s Jason? Is he your partner?
MAN (O.S.)
He doesn’t care how I feel, if he even knows. He spends all of his time with the others.
Ellen observes, curious, allowing the man to vent.
MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Do you know how it feels to be pushed aside? To be ignored by everyone?
(beat)
I used to be important to him. We’d talk for hours, finish each others’ thoughts. But now…
(beat)
I can feel myself slipping away. And they’d like that. But I won’t let them win. And if Jason won’t act, I guess I have to. And you know what they say. If you want something done…
Ellen’s eyes go wild, but before she can react — BANG! A small caliber gun FIRES.
We HOLD ON ELLEN, in shock, as the man’s body THUDS to the floor. We HEAR a door burst open and a woman GASP. PEOPLE GATHERING. We HEAR VOICES: “Oh, my God” “Someone call the police” “Ellen? Are you all right? Ellen?
CUT TO BLACK:
-
Hey Dana!
Want to exchange feedback?
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Hi, Cam
Sure. I’m a little behind the group on this. Is there a version you would prefer that I read? Or should I read version 1?
Dana
-
Hey Dana,
What I loved!
1. There’s a ton of intrigue and tension built up in this scene just by setting the therapy session up as a run of the mill “will they/will they not” relationship counseling, and then turning the script slowly as the man reveals more about his particular “relationship.” It definitely keeps you on the edge of your seat.
2. The scene’s ending. What a way to start a script, and the polarity between where it started and where it ended works on so many levels.
What I have questions about…
1. It feels like there’s a point, just before MAN goes on his monologue, where the conversation beats feel like they’re either being repeated or not unique enough to generate that feeling of turning. It’s subtle, and I realize this is probably extremely nit picky (sorry, you did such a good job that it’s hard to find things to critique). One acting technique I learned years ago was to write a single verb to describe what I was doing, or what my goal was for each line of dialogue. The more varied the verbs, the more range I could use for the scene. When writing, this same technique can help to ensure there’re no repeated beats, and it can help to correct a problem I have where when I write dialogue where I tend to linger like it’s a real conversation, instead of heightening it to an artfully constructed point.
2. I’m curious as to how this scene is followed up. Is MAN a separate character from the antagonist we meet later in the story? If so, I know, for me personally, I’ll stop paying attention and try to figure out how much of the population does have multiple personality disorder, what is the ratio of clients for a therapist that have multiple personality disorder, do people with multiple personality disorder only see psychiatrists, or will they visit with LPC’s, social workers, and psychologists as well, etc? I’m weird though, and the rest of the audience may not feel the urge the know everything about a particular topic in the middle of reading. If MAN is the same person, and we flashback to where the story starts in the following scene, I wonder if the suicide takes away from the tension and wondering on how ELLEN will save her family?
Sorry that the question section is so long. This genuinely was a fun read and I can’t wait to dive into the whole script! This story’s going to be a blast!
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
-
-
Hi Dana – I have been a bit out of the loop and this might well not be your most recent. Please comment on my V2 if you have time.
This certainly held my interest all the way through!
It feels like a huge set up and I hope we finds out who he was and what happened.
It was good to see Ellen kind of unraveling a bit from cool calm radio therapist to rattled concerned woman
Not sure why people are asking Ellen if she is ok.. she’s is not with the shooter right?
and (as an actress) greta role to open a film with!!
I look forward to the rest of this story!
-
-
Dana, this new opening is KILLER! Just hooked me right in! Great job! Just a few comments.
Ellen says she’s spoken to him before about his new relationship and he seems encouraging about it because he says it’s “developing.” To me, this comment indicates hope in a future. But that future is immediately dashed by him saying he’s overwhelmed, and disregarded. This transition seems very fast to me. I’m wondering if she might ‘call back’ some of the info he shared on their first conversation (since it seems it was more positive) to then show how this second conversation is now so diametrically different. Again, I only comment on this because I found his transition into speaking about the ‘others’ too abrupt.
Other than that, I found this new opening just stellar!!
Dev
-
Hi Dev
Thanks. I appreciate the feedback.
I used the word “Developing” because the MAN character is actually Jason, the DID patient, who’s developing another personality. Ellen is talking to William, one of Jason’s personalities who becomes important later in the script. Ellen doesn’t know she’s treating a DID patient, and believes William is the real patient. We learn later this is a failed suicide attempt.
In researching DID patients, I found that an “alter” – as they’re called – can have suicidal feelings without the host patient’s knowledge or awareness, which plays into Ellen’s solution down the road.
This is also one of two openings I’m considering. I may open the film from the antagonist’s perspective with another victim, and then lead into Ellen’s story. Though I’m leaning toward this opening as it plays into the story later.
But I understand what you’re saying. This was a first run through. It needs clarity, and I think you nailed it for me. Thanks.
I’m a little behind the group on this. I’d be glad to critique your Being Dramatic piece. Which version would you prefer me to read?
-
-
Kate is Being Dramatic
(late to the party – deep in rehearsal. Please give me some feedback!)
What I learned is that it can bring in more voices, a range of options with the characters and tease out the story details, backstory and subtext.
• Lucianna – Logline: schemes to trick the local billionaire in order to save the community’s farmlands and finds ‘family’ in the end. Traits: Determination, Courage, Impatience, Longing, (Scheming, Concealing
She wants her old family home restored to her. She needs an accepting ‘family’ of some kind
• many supporting characters
INT. CHURCH HALL
A rectangular room with a wooden floor, a long table against a wall, set up with 2 hot water urns, disposable cups, a can of instant coffee and homemade cookies.
A rickety wooden table sits up front with 3 chairs at it, facing an assortment of wooden chairs in uneven rows.
Variously on the walls is the American flag, a wooden crucifix, old photos of the community, including a fierce-looking old Mexican farmer with a small girl holding his hand staring directly at the camera from under a wide-brimmed hat – Luciana and her grandfather.
A hastily called meeting of locals to discuss Darrogh’s letter.
About 30 people, coffee in hand, seated in rows facing Mayor LUCIANNA SANCHEZ, a 5’3, s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life invested in the community, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice topped by an untamed black mane of hair. Seated with her Francia, a tall, bespectacled man of about 40.
LUCIANNA
He is back! You think what he has been doing is bad?
She lifts a letter off the table and holds it aloft in a theatrical manner.
LUCIANNA
This letter arrives yesterday. His newest attack? To take away our beautiful country! To drive us out! A huge landfill! Right here!
Muttering and shouts of disapproval and shock.
IAN
(mid-40s)
How can he do that? What about permits and so on?
Lucianna holds up her hand.
LUCIANNA
Oh, he’s taken care of that. I don’t know who he has BRIBED but in this letter? A PERMIT!!
More shouts of disapproval.
SYLVIE
(late 70s)
Where the hell would he get that? We didn’t give it!
LUIS
(early 30s)
It must be a fake. He’s trying to pull one over us.
HAROLD
(late 70s – Sylvie’s husband))
Yeah! He can’t just waltz in and do that!
Crowd nodding and agreeing. Francis stands up, gets their attention.
FRANCIS
He can. It’s not a fake. We are not an incorporated town. He went straight to the county.
SUSAN
(early 30 – Luis’ wife))
So, we’re screwed? No sustainable community?
BOB
(mid 40s)
It’s outrageous.
The entire group is up in arms except one man – BILL, a skinny guy of indeterminate age over 40, in an old greenish suit with a red bow tie.
LUCIANNA
We stop him, yes? We make a plan. All in favor?
The crowd all starts to raise their hands in agreement. Bill stands up, waiting. Gradually people notice him and quiet falls.
FRANCIS
Yes? Um…?
BILL
Bill. What about a discussion?
HAROLD
Old Seth’s boy?
BILL
He was my father, yes.
HAROLD
I wouldn’t shout about it.
DAVE
Now Harold, that’s old stuff. Give the lad a chance to speak.
LUCIANNA
Please come up here, where we can all see you.
BILL
I’m fine here. I have a question. Mayor Sanchez – where exactly is the landfill to be built?
There is a slight pause.
LUCIANNA
On the Ranchero de Sanchez land. The Green Hill.
A gasp from the crowd. This is her family land and home that Darrogh won from her grandfather 4 years ago.
SYLVIE
Oh Lucianna. How terrible.
BILL
So, would it be fair to say you have a Very personal stake in this – fight?
LUCIANNA
Yes. It is true but even if it were not my land I would be against it. It is not good for any of us. Who wants a landfill here?
Shouts of agreement.
BILL
What Mayor Sanchez didn’t tell you is that there is an offer that would be good for you.
A quiet falls.
BILL
Mr McGrath is offering to buy any little plot of land from whoever wants to sell. A generous amount. Pay off your debts.
IAN
But he already has the Sanchez place, why would he want more?
LUCIANNA
He wants to make this whole place a land fill. One big trash heap.
DAVE
It makes no sense. Why come here, build a big house and then trash the place?
A middle-aged, worn-out woman puts up her hand.
WOMAN
How much is he offering? I could use the help. Then I could leave. I have nothing here.
A few people quietly agree with her.
BILL
The offer is on the table for ONE WEEK only. Mr. McGrath will develop it on what he has, no-one will buy your land. It will be worthless! Being so close to a landfill on top of the hill.
The room is silent.
BILL
I’ll leave some cards on the table. Call me if you’re interested.
Bill walks to the front of the room, drops off the cards and heads to the door.
BILL
One week.
Bill exits. The room breaks into small groups all talking loudly about what has happened. Lucianna sits at the table, furious, hurt. Francis supports her.
INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
Ian and Bob are talking quietly
IAN
There’s something going on here. Not like Lucianna to be, well, a bit sneaky.
BILL
I think she hasn’t got over how Darrogh got the ranch from her grandfather.
IAN
Would you?
BILL
No. I wouldn’t.
INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
Harold, Dave and Sylvie talkin.g
SYLVIE
Poor Lucianna. It was awful enough her grandfather lost the place but a land fill?
HAROLD
It’s a mean thing to do.
DAVE
Like I said, there’s more to this. It’s almost like that man wants to destroy Lucianna.
SYLVIE
He doesn’t even know her!
HAROLD
It makes no sense.
INT.CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
The Woman and another man.
WOMAN
I’m going to take one of those cards. At least find out a little more.
MAN
It can’t hurt.
They head toward the table, take a card each. Avoiding Lucianna’s eye, they leave.
Lucianna takes a breath and stands. Francis rings a bell,. Quiet falls on the room as people take their seats again.
LUCIANNA
I apologize to you. I was not honest about the offer to buy you out. I didn’t think that anyone would be interested.
She pauses.
LUCIANNA
I didn’t want anyone to be interested.
SYLVIE
We understand, Lucianna.
SUSAN
The real question now is, what do we do?
The crowd starts up again. Ian stands and shouts above the noise.
IAN
I say we all go home, sleep on it and meet again –
BILL
Tomorrow.
LUCIANNA
Gracias. Manana.
People begin to tidy up all talking.
CUT TO:
INT. CHURCH HALL – SIDE VESTIBULE
Nia is standing there, she has been there all along hidden from view, listening. She is appalled.
-
GOOD SCENE! AND– I THINK IT COULD GO HOTTER IN THE DIALOGUE TO CREATE MORE TENSION. AND — YOU’VE SUCCESSFULLY CREATED A FUTURE FOR LUCIANNA AND MIA!
DEV
LUCIANNA
He is back! You think what he has been doing is bad?
She lifts a letter off the table and holds it aloft in a theatrical manner.
LUCIANNA
This letter arrives (ARRIVED) yesterday. His newest attack? To take away our beautiful country! To drive us out! A huge landfill! Right here!
Muttering and shouts of disapproval and shock.
IAN
(mid-40s)
How can he do that? What about permits (and so on?) ENDING ON PERMITS is stronger.
Lucianna holds up her hand.
LUCIANNA
Oh, he’s taken care of that. I don’t know who he has BRIBED but in this letter? A PERMIT!!
More shouts of disapproval.
SYLVIE
(late 70s)
Where the hell would he get that? We didn’t give it! (MY LOGIC TELLS ME SLYVIE WOULD KNOW THE COMMUNITY COULDN’T GIVE A PERMIT. OR IS SHE SOME KIND OF OFFICIAL IN THE TOWN?)
LUIS
(early 30s)
It must be a fake. He’s trying to pull one over us. (TO MAKE THIS STRONGER, I SUGGEST MAKING IT AN OUT RIGHT ACCUSATION. “IT’S A FAKE! ….)
HAROLD
(late 70s – Sylvie’s husband))
Yeah! He can’t just waltz in and do that! (LINE NOT STRONG ENOUGH – SHOULD PLAY OFF OF FAKE AND THE REPERCUSSIONS THEREIN)
Crowd nodding and agreeing. Francis stands up, gets their attention.
FRANCIS
He can. It’s not a fake. We are not an incorporated town. He went straight to the county. (I BELIEVE THIS LINE WOULD PLAY BETTER IF SET UP WITH ALL THE STRONG ACCUSATIONS COMING PRIOR ONLY FOR FRANCIS TO BURST THEIR BUBBLE WITH THE FACTS.)
SUSAN
(early 30 – Luis’ wife))
So, we’re screwed? No sustainable community?
BOB
(mid 40s)
It’s outrageous. (WE ARE AWARE OF THEIR SENTIMENTS, SO HOW ABOUT BOB SAYING SOMETHING MORE DEFEATED THAT WOULD SET EVERYONE OFF?)
The entire group is up in arms except one man – BILL, a skinny guy of indeterminate age over 40, in an old greenish suit with a red bow tie.
LUCIANNA
We stop him, yes? We make a plan. All in favor?
The crowd all starts to raise their hands in agreement. Bill stands up, waiting. Gradually people notice him and quiet falls.
FRANCIS
Yes? Um…?
BILL
Bill. What about a discussion?
HAROLD
Old Seth’s boy?
BILL
He was my father, yes.
HAROLD
I wouldn’t shout about it. (GREAT LINE!)
DAVE
Now Harold, that’s old stuff. (WILL THIS SET-UP PAY OFF LATER?) Give the lad a chance to speak.
LUCIANNA
Please come up here, where we can all see you.
BILL
I’m fine here. I have a question. Mayor Sanchez – where exactly is the landfill to be built?
There is a slight pause.
LUCIANNA
On the Ranchero de Sanchez land. The Green Hill.
A gasp from the crowd. This is her family land and home that Darrogh won from her grandfather 4 years ago.
SYLVIE
Oh Lucianna. How terrible.
BILL
So, would it be fair to say you have a Very personal stake in this – fight?
LUCIANNA
Yes. It is true but even if it were not my land I would be against it. It is not good for any of us. Who wants a landfill here?
Shouts of agreement.
BILL
What Mayor Sanchez didn’t tell you is that there is an offer that would be good for you.
A quiet falls.
BILL
Mr McGrath is offering to buy any little plot of land from whoever wants to sell. A generous amount. Pay off your debts.
IAN
But he already has the Sanchez place, why would he want more?
LUCIANNA
He wants to make this whole place a land fill. One big trash heap.
DAVE
It makes no sense. Why come here, build a big house and then trash the place?
A middle-aged, worn-out woman puts up her hand.
WOMAN
How much is he offering? I could use the help. Then I could leave. I have nothing here.
A few people quietly agree with her.
BILL
The offer is on the table for ONE WEEK only. Mr. McGrath will develop it on what he has, no-one will buy your land. It will be worthless! Being so close to a landfill on top of the hill.
The room is silent.
BILL
I’ll leave some cards on the table. Call me if you’re interested.
Bill walks to the front of the room, drops off the cards and heads to the door.
BILL
One week.
Bill exits. The room breaks into small groups all talking loudly about what has happened. Lucianna sits at the table, furious, hurt. Francis supports her.
INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
Ian and Bob are talking quietly
IAN
There’s something going on here. Not like Lucianna to be, well, a bit sneaky.
BILL
I think she hasn’t got over how Darrogh got the ranch from her grandfather.
IAN
Would you?
BILL
No. I wouldn’t.
INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
Harold, Dave and Sylvie talkin.g
SYLVIE
Poor Lucianna. It was awful enough her grandfather lost the place but a land fill?
HAROLD
It’s a mean thing to do.
DAVE
Like I said, there’s more to this. It’s almost like that man wants to destroy Lucianna.
SYLVIE
He doesn’t even know her!
HAROLD
It makes no sense.
INT.CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
The Woman and another man.
WOMAN
I’m going to take one of those cards. At least find out a little more.
MAN
It can’t hurt. (I SUGGEST DOING THE MAN AND WOMAN EXCHANGE NON-VERBALLY WHILE TRYING TO AVOID LUCIANNA’S EYEBALLING THEM.)
They head toward the table, take a card each. Avoiding Lucianna’s eye, they leave.
Lucianna takes a breath and stands. Francis rings a bell,. Quiet falls on the room as people take their seats again.
LUCIANNA
I apologize to you. I was not honest about the offer to buy you out. I didn’t think that anyone would be interested.
She pauses.
LUCIANNA
I didn’t want anyone to be interested.
SYLVIE
We understand, Lucianna.
SUSAN
The real question now is, what do we do?
The crowd starts up again. Ian stands and shouts above the noise.
IAN
I say we all go home, sleep on it and meet again –
BILL
Tomorrow.
LUCIANNA
Gracias. Manana.
People begin to tidy up all talking.
CUT TO:
INT. CHURCH HALL – SIDE VESTIBULE
Nia is standing there, she has been there all along hidden from view, listening. She is appalled.
-
Thanks you Dev. I did a #2
-
-
Matthew Frendo is being Dramatic!
What I learned doing this assignment is how to add in a bunch of dramatic devices in one scene. This will make a script more fun and exciting for the audience.
Name: Alicia
Traits: Protective, Brave, Crafty, Loner
Subtext: Crafty
NOTE: I had a bit of a breakthrough and changed the genre and story, though the concept is the same. If anyone has any questions about it, lmk and I’ll answer them or share the logline I created.
INT. BIG TOP – NIGHT
Nick walks in, tears in his eyes. Alicia and the rest are right behind them.
He turns to them.
NICK
I’m sorry, I had–
WHAM! Alicia punches him right in the face, knocking him flat as blood spurts from his nose.
ALICIA
We were winning! We were in it together!
NICK
Really? Because I didn’t see you there until the end!
JOSH
He’s right. We were almost–
Alicia’s glare cuts him off.
KRISTEN
At least she came back.
Josh nods, getting Alicia to relent.
ALICIA
I had some…things to think about. But I didn’t kill anyone just because I wanted to be famous.
She turns and is about to walk off, when Nick lurches up.
NICK
Famous?! That wasn’t for fame!
She turns back to him.
ALICIA
Just like Bullet, right, Nick? All the girls and drinks and the high life…
He’s shaking his head no.
ALICIA
Why, it’s enough to even kill for!
NICK
I didn’t kill nobody.
JOSH
Might as well have. You put them in harm’s way.
KRISTEN
You let Jocelyn die. She was my friend. You caused her to die.
NICK
(crying)
Well, what am I supposed to do? You see where we are?
JOSH
She’s right. We were winning.
NICK
But how long is that going to last, huh? You see the beast they’re putting against us now. That shit was a new one! Who knows what kind of crazy shit is coming next?
Kristen bolts up with an idea.
KRISTEN
Wait…why do you think you’re better off with less of us to fight it?
NICK
What?
JOSH
And what was that whistle?
Nick starts slowly backing away.
NICK
I don’t know what you all are talking about…
ALICIA
He made a deal.
They both look at her.
ALICIA
That’s it, right? He said he’d help you live, if you make sure we start losing, something like that? Did he want you to kill us yourself, or was it enough to have Jocelyn’s face ripped off by a monster?
Nick looks down.
NICK
I mean–
ALICIA
And let me guess. The whistle was what, supposed to kill them?
Tears stream down Nick’s cheeks. He takes a deep breath.
NICK
Calm them down. It was supposed to calm down all the beasts in here. So, I could just walk out at the end.
KRISTEN
Fucking Judas.
Josh just looks down.
ALICIA
Well, he screwed and you screwed us. Enjoy the fame and girls, assfuck.
NICK
It ain’t about no fame or girls.
KRISTEN
It’s all you cared about. This whole time.
NICK
It’s not about–It’s about fucking Samantha!
He looks at Alicia, walking toward her.
NICK
You think you’re the only one with family problems on the outside?
KRISTEN
Who’s Samantha?
JOSH
Who cares?
Nick keeps focused on Alicia.
NICK
My whole life, I was a piece of shit. Mother didn’t give a fuck and father wasn’t there. Usual bullshit. Samantha was the only person who ever loved me. Who ever loved this piece of shit.
Alicia rolls her eyes and starts to leave.
NICK
Remember that accident at the Thirty-Four building? When it collapsed because some billionaire tech fuck decided that safety concerns didn’t matter?
KRISTEN
Everyone there died.
He shakes his head.
NICK
Not everyone. But she lost both legs. They covered it up and promised to pay, but nothing came. She’s so fucking sad all the time. I can’t see her like this.
He stops his tears, and looks back at Alicia.
NICK
That’s why I made sure they voted me in the hunt this year. For the only family that ever mattered. You gotta get that.
Alicia thinks on it for a second, when–
TELECOM VOICE (O.S.)
It’s time for the interviews! All sacrifices please come to the stage entrance!
They all look at each other.
JOSH
Interviews? They’ve never done interviews before.
KRISTEN
Great. What do they have planned for us now?
Alicia quickly walks up close to Nick, looking him in the eyes.
ALICIA
That’s just it, Nick. After what we went through in here, what we did together, you were my family. And Jocelyn and Stan…they were yours. And you betrayed them.
Then she starts walking out.
NICK
Hey, fuck this–
Nick grabs a bat. Both Kristen and Josh shoot up, Kristen with a crossbow aimed at him and Josh with a bloody machete.
NICK
I wasn’t going to attack her! Who do you think I am?
KRISTEN
I don’t believe you anymore.
JOSH
And never will again.
Alicia turns back to Nick.
ALICIA
You’re on your own now. After whatever these fucking interviews are, stay away from us.
NICK
Hey, you guys can’t just leave me alone in here.
Alicia keeps walking out. Josh hurries to follow her.
NICK
But I’m the strongest one here. You won’t make it without me.
Kristen follows, then turns back.
KRISTEN
Maybe your little whistle thing will work next time.
She walks after the others.
NICK
But guys…I’ll fucking die alone. I’ll fucking die alone!
-
Hey Matthew!
First, great to see you in the Horror course! Would love to know more about your breakthrough!
What I loved!
1. The raw emotion in this scene felt by everyone, Nick especially. This feels like a real turning point where the power dynamics between Alicia and Nick flip, and Nick senses it, trying to maintain a position of influence with the others while fighting his own guilt over betraying them. And then Alicia coming into her own where she has Kristen and Josh at her back is awesome.
2. The back and forth revelations in the dialogue keep the pace moving quickly. Even though I haven’t read the previous scene, I have a good idea as to where everyone stands as they try to debrief the tragedy of the situation. Plus, the intercom interrupting the conversation works to propel us to wanting to read what happens next as much as watching Nick lose everything and have to survive on his own, and the question introduced, “can Alicia and the others survive without Nick?”
What I have questions about…
1. I have a great feel for Nick, and a good feel for Alicia. Josh and Kristen are a little more of blank slates for me. If I had to guess, Josh feels a little more timid (the opposite of Nick), but Kristen doesn’t feel too much different than Alicia, unless she’s more inquisitive, more willing to ask questions? I’m not sure. I have a hard time writing more than two characters into a scene, so I’ll admit you’re a lot better at it than I am. I would just like to see a little more separation in the characters and the way they act. Maybe a quick brainstorming session will reveal some new traits to help Kristen and Josh stand out in the way Nick and Alicia do.
2. Some of Nick’s lines feel a little too expository. Nick is here to protect a loved one. Beyond that, a little explanation will go a long way, and allowing the audience to fill in the blanks where the details can be more fluid can be a great way to increase audience engagement for very little investment. The way the Jedi are introduced in the original STAR WARS is a good example of this. We don’t here about Coruscant, the politics, any of that. We know they’re peace keepers (the good guys) and have power through something called “The Force.” The rest of the mythology is left up for the audience to fill in, and I’ll argue it’s one of the things that made STAR WARS explode into what it is today, because it practically invited the audience to help George build the entire STAR WARS universe.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
Hello Matthew,
I don’t know how you changed. This resembles Hunger Games though. I guess, this is some moment when they can rest out of being on a camera. I’m not sure, but this is a bit too stretchy. I am writing very shot dialogs, and I noticed, I can make a decent scene, if I shotten dialogs putting sentences from here and then together.
From another side, maybe it’s good to building up emotion. I would wait, and then see the whole thing, and if you dissatisfied with it being not enough dramatic, would go and make dialogs dencer. At this moment, this is a bit explanatory.
-
-
Great notes Dana. I believe you’ve commented on my first version, and I may have – in some fashion – already have addressed your comments in my second version, though not in the exact ways you’ve suggested. I’d so appreciate if you give the second version a read if you have a chance.
Thanks so much!
Dev
-
Dana! Yes! I figured out the ‘switch!’ Not a switch though… It’s total String Theory stuff!
Dev
-
Dana,
I thought about your notes again and have now done a VERSION THREE!
Thanks so!
Dev
-
DEV ROSS – VERSION 3 (Thanks for your notes!)
CLAY- Grand Dragon of the KKK who is rapidly losing his power and desperately wants to regain it.
HANNAH – Wife who sees her husband going into a downward spiral and wants to stop him to save the family, but her fear makes her passive.
EMMY – Loves but is terrified of her father. Wants her mother to save her.
This scene takes place after the SONS OF PATRIOTS – white supremacists – burnt a cross on Clay’s front lawn.
EXT. CLAY’S FRONT LAWN – PREDAWN
In the shadows of predawn, Clay, wearing one of those forehead flashlights, hurriedly rakes up the burnt remnants of the cross burnt on his lawn the night before. The breaking dawn sends shafts of light over the neighborhood, forcing Clay to pick up his pace. No way he wants to be seen cleaning up this mess. Then, he spots a woman, ANGELA, walking her dog down the sidewalk toward him.
CLAY
(Under his breath)
Damnit.
He looks up at her, forces a smile.
CLAY
Hey! Morning there, Angela!
She hurriedly leads her dog across the street to avoid him.
ANGELA
Morning, Clay! You have a nice day!
CLAY
Sure will! You, too!
He waits until she’s down the street before he angrily dumps the debris into the trash.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Hannah and Emmy gingerly pick at their breakfast while Clay seems determined to eat. Hannah cautiously starts the conversation.
HANNAH
I don’t understand, Clay. Why us?
CLAY
Not us, me. They’re sending a message.
Emmy looks as if she’s about to speak but doesn’t.
CLAY
I’m not doing enough and fast enough, so Adam Spencer’s minions are goading me.
Hannah, increasingly anxious, can no longer pretend to eat.
CLAY
I’ll handle it.
HANNAH
You’ll handle it? Clay, there was a cross burned on our front lawn last night. What’s next? Bullets through the windows? For the love of God, why are you acting as if this was nothing?
CLAY
Because it’s an empty provocation.
Off her timid look…
CLAY
What? You think I’m too weak to handle those sons of bitches?
Backpedaling…
HANNAH
Of course not. Clay, I just want peace. I just want-
Clay slams his fist on the table.
CLAY
Lord! I’m sick of you mincing words like I’m too frail to handle what my wife has to say!
Hannah takes his plate, scraps food into the trash, cleans up with her face to the task rather than him.
HANNAH
I want out of this. I’m sick of it. Can’t we just live with other people without having to hate them?
CLAY
I don’t hate anybody! I’m just trying to set things back to where they’re supposed to be. Why can’t you be supportive of me?!
Emmy, who’s been holding back…
EMMY
Stop!
Clay and Hannah finally take note their daughter.
EMMY
Daddy… This isn’t about you.
CLAY
No? Then who? You see any uppity black people living here?
Emmy briefly meets his eyes but can’t hold them.
CLAY
Do you?
She doesn’t answer.
CLAY
Answer me! Do you see any black people living here?!
Emmy forces her words out…
EMMY
I’m pregnant.
Hannah looks to her husband before responding. When he doesn’t, she tries to lighten things up.
HANNAH
So, all right. It’s never a good time for a baby – especially after having a cross burned on our lawn – but I’m sure our families can work it out.
CLAY
Your mother’s right. Babies are a blessing. We’ll work it out. But what’s this got to do with what happened last night?
Emmy struggles with her answer.
HANNAH
Honey?
EMMY
He’s black.
HANNAH
What? Oh… Oh, God!
CLAY
You laid with a black boy?! My daughter? No. No child of mine would ever do that because she would have respect for me!
EMMY
I do have respect for you, Daddy, but times have changed!
CLAY
He raped you, didn’t he? Just like my poor sister was raped!
EMMY
No! I love him! We had it all worked out. He’s moving soon to take a job out of state. I was to follow him in a month. No one would know. I would just come to visit you.
Like he was gut-punched, Clay can’t breathe.
EMMY
But then I told my friend, because I had to tell someone, and she must’ve told someone else–
CLAY
–And before you know it, the whole town knows! Well, my stupid little girl, you tell your friend it was a joke and then you end it!
HANNAH
Clay! You know how I feel about that!
EMMY
And I wouldn’t! I want it!
CLAY
You know who I am, and you did this anyway?
Clay battles to maintain composure. He’s losing…
CLAY
Get out of my sight.
Emmy starts picking up the dishes.
EMMY
I’ll do the dishes first and then I’ll go upstairs so you and momma can talk.
CLAY
So, we can talk? Let me remind you, this is my house and I’m telling you to leave and never come back!
Emmy searches her mother’s face.
EMMY
Momma?
Hannah reaches for her daughter, but Clay raises a hand to stop her.
CLAY
(To Hannah)
We no longer have a daughter.
Hannah strains toward her daughter but doesn’t dare move.
HANNAH
I’ll help you pack, honey.
Now Emmy’s gut punched.
EMMY
You’ll help me pack?
Clay glares at his wife before turning to Emmy.
CLAY
No, you won’t. Everything she has, we’ve given to her.
(To Emmy)
You leave with nothing.
Emmy looks to her mother for one last chance at stopping this but Hannah’s paralyzed.
CLAY
Get out!
Crying, Emmy runs out. Hannah’s sobs.
HANNAH
Oh God! My baby! Clay, please?
CLAY
Don’t! This is all your fault with your ‘can’t we all just live together’ bullshit!
Clay upends the table and then storms from the room, leaving Hannah gasping for breath.
-
Hi Dev
Thanks again for your encouragement. I only learned about the amnesia condition of DID patients a couple of weeks ago. I got lucky that it fit my story.
I read version 3 of your script. I think the dialogue between the characters is stronger in this version. And your opening is better with Clay hiding his cleanup. That makes sense.
The moment where Clay tells Emmy to get out of his site works, too. That Emmy thinks he means to leave the room only to then realize he means to leave the home is much stronger.
I only have one suggestion about the baby reveal. Given how you’ve writing the scene, I assume Hanna knows about the child and that Clay is only just finding out. It feels like things happen here a little fast. Clay learns Emmy is having a baby and that father is black.
A “traditional” man like Clay – for the lack of a better term – may not appreciate his daughter having a child out of wedlock. He seems to accept this news a little too quick
If you stretch the moment just a little, with Hanna massaging Clay to come to grips with Emmy having a baby – giving Clay’s statement that “Children are a blessing” to Hanna – and then have Emmy drop the bombshell that the father is black, I think you’d build the conflict and the tension. From a cross burning to a baby and then to the baby being black is one straw too many for Clay.
Just a thought. I hope it helps.
And thanks again for your help.
Dana
-
Hi Dana,
I was just re-reading my scene and thought I need to play out the baby reveal better. Afterwards, I read your note which, of course, confirmed what I felt. Thanks! Also, Hannah is just learning about the baby as well but now, after your comment, I may change that!
Great notes! I’m grateful!
Dec
-
-
Critique of DEV ROSS – VERSION 3
Hi Dev,
Thanks for the review! I appreciate it.
I literally had chills by the end of your scene!! I agree with Dana that it would read a bit better if you drew out the middle section where she tells them first about the pregnancy, then that the father is black.
Now, I don’t know what you have planned, but my first thought is that maybe she gets kicked out of the house for a baby out of wedlock and then in a later scene they find out that he’s black? Or maybe mom knows he’s black, but she and Emmy are too scared to tell dad at this point and later when he finds out about the baby’s black father, he disowns the mom too because she knew and didn’t tell him. Just thinking out loud…it’s up to you, of course. 🙂
Very powerful scene and this script is on its way to glory. Can’t wait to read more!
Lisa
-
Thanks, Lisa! I’ve already done a version four where I incorporated yours and Dana’s notes!
-
-
-
Kate’s Dramatic Devices V2
PLEASE JUMP IN!What I learned is that it can bring in more voices, a range of options with the characters and tease out the story details, backstory and subtext.
and w/ V2 not to be afraid to up the dialogue and so on.
• Lucianna – Logline: schemes to trick the local billionaire in order to save the community’s farmlands and finds ‘family’ in the end. Traits: Determination, Courage, Impatience, Longing, (Scheming, Concealing
She wants her old family home restored to her. She needs an accepting ‘family’ of some kind
• many supporting characters
INT. CHURCH HALL
A rectangular room with a wooden floor, a long table against a wall, set up with 2 hot water urns, disposable cups, a can of instant coffee and homemade cookies.
A rickety wooden table sits up front with 3 chairs at it, facing an assortment of wooden chairs in uneven rows.
Variously on the walls is the American flag, a wooden crucifix, old photos of the community, including a fierce-looking old Mexican farmer with a small girl holding his hand staring directly at the camera from under a wide-brimmed hat – Luciana and her grandfather.
A hastily called meeting of locals to discuss Darrogh’s letter.
About 30 people, coffee in hand, seated in rows facing Mayor LUCIANNA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life invested in the community, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice topped by an untamed black mane of hair.Seated with her is Francia, a tall, bespectacled man of about 40.
LUCIANNA
He is back! You think what he has been doing is bad?
She lifts a letter off the table and holds it aloft in a theatrical manner.
LUCIANNA
This letter arrived yesterday. His newest attack? To take away our beautiful country! To drive us out! A huge landfill! Right here!
Muttering and shouts of disapproval and shock.
IAN
(mid-40s)
How can he do that? What about permits and so on?
Lucianna holds up her hand.
LUCIANNA
Oh, he taken care of that. I don’t know who he has BRIBED but in this letter? A PERMIT!!
More shouts of disapproval.
SYLVIE
(late 70s)
Where the hell would he get that? This community didn’t give it!
LUIS
(early 30s)
It’s a fake.
HAROLD
(late 70s – Sylvie’s husband))
More of his bull. It won’t stand up. We can ignore it.
BOB
No, we’ll gather in the field, send a message! He’ll see we’re not rolling over for his lies.
Crowd nodding and agreeing. Francis stands up, gets their attention.
FRANCIS
It’s not a fake. We’re not an incorporated town. He went straight to the county.
A stunned hush falls over the group.
SUSAN
(early 30 – Luis’ wife))
So we’re screwed?
No sustainable community?
BOB
(mid 40s)
It’s wrong! Big government in action. Don’t we get a say?
The entire group is up in arms except one man – BILL, a skinny guy of indeterminate age over 40, in an old greenish suit with a red bow tie.
LUCIANNA
Our say is in our action! We make a plan! We stop him, yes? All in favor?
The crowd all starts to raise their hands in agreement. Bill stands up, waiting. Gradually people notice him and quiet falls.
FRANCIS
Yes? Um…?
BILL
Bill. What about a discussion?
HAROLD
Old Seth’s boy?
BILL
He was my father, yes.
HAROLD
I wouldn’t shout about it.
DAVE
Now Harold, that’s old stuff. Give the lad a chance to speak.
LUCIANNA
Please come up here, where we can all see you.
BILL
I’m fine here. I have a question -Mayor Sanchez – where exactly is the landfill to be built?
There is a slight pause.
LUCIANNA
On the Ranchero de Sanchez land. The Green Hill.
A gasp from the crowd. This is her family land and home that Darrogh won from her grandfather 4 years ago.
SYLVIE
Oh Lucianna. How terrible.
BILL
So would it be fair to say you have a Very personal stake in this – fight?
LUCIANNA
Yes. It is true but even if it were not my land I would be against it. It is not good for any of us. Who wants a landfill here?
Shouts of agreement.
BILL
What Mayor Sanchez didn’t tell you is that there is an offer that would be good for you.
A quiet falls.
BILL
Mr McGrath is offering to buy any little plot of land from whoever wants to sell. A generous amount. Pay off your debts.
IAN
But he already has the Sanchez place, why would he want more?
LUCIANNA
He wants to make this whole place a land fill. One big trash heap.
DAVE
It makes no sense. Why come here, build a big house and then trash the place?
A middle-aged, worn-out woman puts up her hand.
WOMAN
How much is he offering? I could use the help. Then I could leave. I have nothing here.
A few people quietly agree with her.
BILL
The offer is on the table for ONE WEEK only. Mr. McGrath will develop it on what he has, no-one will buy your land. It will be worthless! Being so close to a landfill on top of the hill.
The room is silent.
BILL
I’ll leave some cards on the table. Call me if you’re interested.
Bill walks to the front of the room, drops off the cards and heads to the door.
BILL
One week.
Bill exits. The room breaks into small groups all talking loudly about what has happened. Lucianna sits at the table, furious, hurt. Francis supports her.
INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
Ian and Bob are talking quietly
IAN
There’s something going on here. Not like Lucianna to be, well, a bit sneaky.
BILL
I think she hasn’t got over how Darrogh got the ranch from her grandfather.
IAN
Would you?
BILL
No. I wouldn’t.
INT. CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
Harold, Dave and Sylvie talkin.g
SYLVIE
Poor Lucianna. It was awful enough her grandfather lost the place but a land fill?
HAROLD
It’s a mean thing to do.
DAVE
Like I said, there’s more to this. It’s almost like that man wants to destroy Lucianna.
SYLVIE
He doesn’t even know her!
HAROLD
It makes no sense.
INT.CHURCH HALL – CONTINUOUS
The Woman and another man.
WOMAN
I’m going to take one of those cards. At least find out a little more.
MAN
It can’t hurt.
They head toward the table, take a card each. Avoiding Lucianna’s eye, they leave.
Lucianna takes a breath and stands. Francis rings a bell, Quiet falls on the room as people take their seats again.
LUCIANNA
I apologize to you. I was not honest about the offer to buy you out. I didn’t think that anyone would be interested.
She pauses.
LUCIANNA
I didn’t want anyone to be interested.
SYLVIE
We understand Lucianna.
SUSAN
The real question now is, what do we do?
IAN
I say we all go home, sleep in it and meet again –
BILL
Tomorrow.
LUCIANNA
Gracias. Manana.
People begin to tidy up all talking.
CUT TO:
INT. CHURCH HALL – SIDE VESTIBULE
Nia is standing there, she has been there all along hidden from view, listening. She is appalled.
-
Hey Kate!
What I loved about your scene!
1. I love how the Bill character is introduced. The scene starts up great, clearly introducing the conflict and how it affects the town people, and in the middle of it, just when we have a grasp of what’s going on, Bill drops a bomb with the alternative. In one single moment, Lucianna goes from leading a revolution with loyal townsfolk, to risking losing all of her power. It’s an amazing turning point in the scene.
2. The characters feel like they’re part of a real community. Everyone has their own view of the situation, especially after Bill reveals they could make a lot of money by just up and selling their property so a landfill could be built. Some look at Lucianna and immediately begin to justify the selling of their property (Lucianna was dishonest, and they’ve been wanting to move on from the town for years), while others just want to help a friend in Lucianna. It’s organic and feels alive.
3. Just a small note, but I really enjoyed the line Lucianna had where she corrects herself. “I didn’t think that anyone would be interested” to “I didn’t want anyone to be interested.” It says a lot about her character that she can be both sneaky and honest. When she’s caught red handed, she doesn’t try to lie herself out of hole. She accepts full responsibility, and it’s the mark of a great leader, something I get the impression she’s becomes by the end of the story.
What I have questions about…
1. I thought Bill left. When did he come back? I think I missed something in one of the scene headings.
2. Speaking of scene headings, Do you need to repeat “CONTINUOUS” for each group of characters? I’m assuming this is to show the passage of time, like the characters have been in a debate for a while, but I’m not sure how it’d translate on the screen unless the scene starts in the day and ends at night. If the idea is to lead us to different parts of the Church, I would just leave out the “INT/EXT” and the “DAY/NIGHT” unless we’re going to a new location or a different time of the day, and just direct out attention to VESTIBULE, SIDE TABLE, OFFERING TABLE, PEWS, ALTER, STEPS, etc. You’ve already included a number of the locations within the space in the opening action description, so leaving the subsequent scene headings as quick references can help to keep the pace of the action rapid and clear.
Thanks again for your notes!
Cam
-
Hi Cam – thank you for the feedback. Glad you saw who Luciana is.
And Yes NOT BILL – BOB – all those Bs and final draft just chose one!
-
and thanks for the tip re how to move the ‘focus’ around the room. Had no idea how to do that. It is all the dift little groups talking pretty much at the same time right after the revelation…
-
Hi Kate, Thanks for your notes. My scenes (Retirement) come at the end of the first act, so your questions are resolved earlier- but you couldn’t know that! The pool scene is focused on KIm and the man is there to show that she doesn’t play- which makes it all the more extraordinary when she develops a love relationship with Roy. Tara is a secondary nurse and Suzy is a main character who lived with Roy and finally booted him out- only to have him return, crumpled, in her hospital unit. She is currently on a date with someone else. The cars- Kim stole Suzy’s car first, swapped her parking ticket for Marilyn’s. So Kim has temporary custody of Marilyn’s car and she parked Suzy’s car in the same lot earlier. It was found by police, earlier.
I don’t know the title of your screenplay! I’ve read your scene a couple of times. Here’re a few comments- as always, discard any of my comments that don’t resonate for you.
I like the idea of a small, farm, natural based community. I like that this community has built itself around that concept. I like the metaphor that, like the rest of the planet- we are turning our beautiful green earth into a dump and that is a death. So thanks for adding to the literature of green is life and breath. I’ve been an environmentalist since the Carter years. Yea, you.
To me, the setting is a conflagration of community center and church hall and not 100% clear as to what it is, despite the physical descriptions. It’s more interesting to me to learn, not about the tables and exact foods on the tables, which tend to lose meaning, but what this hall represents as a central gathering place for, presumably, as long as the town has existed. I think the descriptions can be edited, and focus put onto the meaning- such as “a comfortable old shoe,” or “a place rife with baptism and bullets” – however this place feels to the community.
Cam mentioned that Bill exits- I read your piece a couple of times and it does state that Bill exits- and then he speaks again.
I understand the confusion. A rule in filmmaking to always follow is that every name must begin with a different letter. Never use a beginning letter for more than one character unless you want confusion, as in, a comedy “Sadie 1, Sadie 2, Sadie 3” .
When a film is shot, the continuity person (and everyone else) abbreviate names in notes using just the first initial of the character.
I also have a lot of characters, so I keep a list by my computer to choose new names. To control this in final draft, select TOOLS at the top, go to SMART TYPE- there you’ll see the ability to control, change and create new character names- and also locations, and the rest of the actions that you need. If final draft has a name you no longer want- you can delete it there.
For your scene: I understand the dynamic of the scene as follows: Lucianna is the mayor. She doesn’t own land, so I’m not sure how she can be Mayor- often there are rules about this, but maybe not in this town. My concern is that she isn’t a forceful leader and until I read that she’s the mayor- I thought she was just one of the citizens with inside knowledge.
Bob is a fighter, and Bill is on the other side.
Then there’s the person who’s listening without being seen.
It seems to me that people in the community echo Bob and Lucianna, and therefore the group conversation becomes a kind of monologue. Because it’s a run of one line each, it loses the punch that, for example, Lucianna would have or Bob would have to argue with Bill.
I think that you can greatly intensify the conflict by sticking it to a heated convo between Lucianna, who I think is your protagonist, and Bill. It is currently an expository scene of ‘we got this letter and he has a permit’ but if you sound the alarm- I appreciate that you’re all taking time in your busy evening- but this is an emergency “Attention. This is dangerous. This man wants to take and poison our land and we must rise up. VS- Bill’s argument of: You are all simple. You’re losing your livelihoods anyway so sell and save yourselves.
Focus the argument on the a fight to the death of the best way to live and the scene will catch fire. Just my opinion, though. I could be full of hooey. Good wishes, June
-
Hey June
thank you for your time and input.
Yep this scene without context thing can be confusing. Mine too is about 1/3 of the way, so many of your Qs (like the ones I had for you) would be clear. this is a second town meeting, we already know she is the Mayor (and that might have to change as I have unincorporated the town!). Luciana is a major supporting character – Nia is the protag.
the Bill after he exited was meant to be BOB… Great point using names with dift first initials! and yes Final Draft is very Fixer Friendly!
this was more for the exercise of those dramatic devices which I hope I achieved some of!
Oddly I dont have a title yet.. hoping it will come when I actually start writing it in order :))
-
-
-
-
-
Dana,
Thanks for the explanation on DID. This helps me with your new opening. Again, I think it’s excellent. Please read my VERSION 3.
You rock!
Dev
-
Kate, now that you’ve strengthened the part about the permit being fake, it really creates a lovely “all is lost moment” for the group which intensifies the stakes. Nice!
Dev
-
Cameron,
Dramatic I’ll say! This really hooked me. And when the turnaround came with Markus killing Apollo, well, I was shaken. My only confusion was in the opening bunk scene. I think I got that Markus was helping Apollo descend but when Apollo says that his arm is tired – I thought I had read the prior action incorrectly. I re-read and don’t think I did, hence my confusion over why Apollo’s one arm would be tired.
The vivid environment you created also sucked me right in. I’m a huge sci-fi fan so not much is fresh for me, but this was! Congrats!
-
Thanks Dev!
Your notes are really motivating! I’ll be sure to fix my opening and take a look at your scene this evening!
Thanks again and best regards!
Cam
-
-
Dev Ross – VERSION 4
EXT. CLAY’S FRONT LAWN – PREDAWN
In the shadows of predawn, Clay, wearing one of those forehead flashlights, hurriedly rakes up the burnt remnants of the cross burnt on his lawn the night before. The breaking dawn sends shafts of light over the neighborhood, forcing Clay to pick up his pace. No way he wants to be seen cleaning up this mess. Then, he spots a woman, ANGELA, walking her dog down the sidewalk toward him.
CLAY
(Under his breath)
Damnit.
He looks up at her, forces a smile.
CLAY
Hey! Morning there, Angela!
She hurriedly leads her dog across the street to avoid him.
ANGELA
Morning, Clay! You have a nice day!
CLAY
Sure will! You, too!
He waits until she’s down the street before he angrily dumps the debris into the trash.
INT. CLAY’S HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
Hannah and Emmy gingerly pick at their breakfast. Clay is determined to eat his. Hannah cautiously starts the conversation.
HANNAH
I don’t understand, Clay. Why us?
CLAY
They’re sending me a message.
Emmy looks as if she’s about to speak but doesn’t.
CLAY
I’m not doing enough and fast enough, so Adam Spencer’s minions are goading me. I’ll handle it.
Hannah, increasingly anxious, can no longer pretend to eat.
HANNAH
You’ll handle it? Clay, there was a cross burned on our front lawn last night. What’s next? Bullets through the windows? For the love of God, why are you acting as if this was nothing?
CLAY
Because… It’s an empty provocation. Those boys are all show, nothing more.
Hannah hardly thinks that.
CLAY
What? You think I’m too weak to handle those sons of bitches?
Backpedaling…
HANNAH
Of course not. Clay, I just want peace. I just want-
She’s too fearful to continue.
Clay slams his fist on the table.
CLAY
Lord, I’m sick of you mincing words like I’m too frail to handle what my wife has to say! What is it you want from me, woman?!
Hannah takes her plate, scraps food into the trash, cleans up with her face to the task rather than him.
HANNAH
I want out of this. I’m sick of it. Can’t we just live with other people without having to hate them?
CLAY
I don’t hate anybody! They do! I’m just trying to set things back to where they’re supposed to be. Why can’t you be supportive of that?!
Emmy, who’s been holding back…
EMMY
Stop!
Clay and Hannah finally take note their daughter.
EMMY
Daddy… I have to tell you something.
Hannah shoots Emmy a look of warning as if to say, ‘not now!’ Emmy disregards her.
EMMY
I’m pregnant.
Clay is thrown.
CLAY
Pregnant?
(To Hannah)
You knew about this?
HANNAH
Yes, but we were waiting for the right time to tell you.
Clay calms down.
CLAY
Okay, okay.
He crosses to his daughter, cups her face.
CLAY
God knows babies are a blessing, even out of wedlock. You going to marry this boy?
Emmy shakes her head ‘yes.’
EMMY
Uh-huh.
Hannah smiles.
CLAY
Then, honey, our families will work it all out.
Emmy struggles, her eyes dart from her mother to her father.
EMMY
He’s black.
This is news to Hannah.
HANNAH
What? You didn’t tell me that! Clay, she never told me that! Oh, God!
Clay distances himself from Emmy.
CLAY
You laid with a black boy?! My daughter? No. No child of mine would ever do that because she would have respect for herself! She would have respect for her father!
EMMY
I do have respect for you, Daddy, but times have changed!
Clay can’t, won’t accept this.
CLAY
He raped you, didn’t he? Just like my poor sister was raped!
EMMY
No! He didn’t rape me! I gave myself to him out of love! We had it all worked out. He’s moving soon to take a job out of state. I was to follow him in a month. No one would have to know about the baby. I would just come to visit you.
Like he was gut-punched, Clay can’t breathe.
EMMY
But then I told my friend, because I had to tell someone, and she must’ve told someone else–
CLAY
–And now the whole town knows -which is why we had a cross burned on our lawn last night! Well, my stupid little girl, you tell your friend it was a joke and then you end it!
HANNAH
Clay! You know how I feel about that!
EMMY
And I wouldn’t! I want this baby!
Clay struggles to comprehend it all.
CLAY
You know who I am, and you did it to me anyway?
EMMY
Daddy, I’m sorry! I didn’t know it would go this far!
He battles to maintain composure.
CLAY
Get out of my sight.
Emmy starts picking up the dishes.
EMMY
I’ll do the dishes first and then I’ll go upstairs so you and momma can talk.
CLAY
So we can talk? Let me remind you, this is my house and I’m telling you to leave and never come back!
Emmy searches her mother’s face.
EMMY
Momma?
Hannah reaches for her daughter but Clay raises a hand to stop her.
CLAY
(To Hannah)
We no longer have a daughter.
Hannah strains toward her daughter but doesn’t dare move.
HANNAH
I’ll help you pack, honey.
Now Emmy’s gut-punched.
EMMY
You’ll help me pack?
Clay glares at his wife before turning to Emmy.
CLAY
No, you won’t. Everything she has, we’ve given to her. She leaves with nothing.
Emmy looks to her mother for one last chance at stopping this but Hannah’s paralyzed.
CLAY
Get out!
Crying, Emmy runs out. Hannah’s sobs.
HANNAH
Oh God! My baby! Clay, please?
CLAY
Don’t! This is all your fault with your permissive ‘can’t we all just live together’ bullshit!
Clay upends the table and then storms from the room, leaving Hannah gasping for breath.
-
Hey Dev!
What I loved about your scene!
1. Though I’m not entirely sure of all that has been revealed to the audience prior to this scene, there’s an entire, compelling story in just a couple of pages. The polarity of the scene starts with Clay feeling rattled by the events of last night, but still confident in himself, and then it all shifts and ends with him feeling so out of control that he kicks his own daughter out of the house. It’s a truly tragic moment of where his anger manifests into personal attacks on the ones he’s sworn to love and protect the most.
2. I love the descriptions, especially the character actions. I’m a big believer that the way someone picks up a pen can say more about who that character is than a monologue that’s half a page long. As a writer, and when I occasionally get the opportunity to act, I love finding ways to contradict what my character’s saying with how they’re acting, and I can’t help but get excited about the idea of Clay trying so hard to maintain control of his life that he shovels food down his throat with emphasis, because it’s one of the only things left that he does have control over.
What I have questions about…
1. Is there anything redeeming or ironic about Clay? Don’t get me wrong. I get that Clay is a Klan member, and the goal shouldn’t be to make Klan members look like saints in any respect. It just seems like there’s nothing deeper than his commitment to the Klan, which makes him come off as a surface level person. The notion of him believing that he’s not the hateful one, but rather is protecting the ones he loves from people who’re hateful is interesting and potentially relatable. We can identify his heart is in the right place, even if it’s misguided and ignorant. I think his commitment to protecting his daughter from what he perceives as hateful blacks should be at the forefront of his goals, which makes his daughter’s revelation that much more ironic and tragic for him. He not only fails in his goal (at least the way he sees it), his daughter’s decision makes everything he’s done for her meaningless. That may make Clay’s decision to kick Emmy out more believable. We may not like it, but there’s more for us to go on to understand where he’s coming from.
2. Hannah’s passivity is something I like, but again, it comes across as pretty surface level with how it’s currently written. She’s supportive to a fault, but it’s a struggle for me to assume she would just go along with the expulsion of her daughter without something else to go on. Assuming the audience is aware of Emmy’s news prior to the scene, the question coming into this scene is “How will Clay react?” As it’s written now, we have our answer, and it’s pretty final. If it were to end with Hannah backing up her daughter against Clay, then we answer our previous question with another question: “Will Clay be able to reconnect with his family and find new purpose?” Going even further, if Hannah kicks Clay out of the house, we again introduce irony into the story, as well as answer the previous question with a twist and another question: “Will Clay ever return home?”
I apologize if I’ve missed the point/goal in this scene. Please feel free to disregard any notes that don’t help you to succeed in your goal. You have a fascinating premise and a lead character that’s begging to be engaged with by the audience. I can’t wait to read the full script!
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
-
-
Day 10 (Dramatic Devices) – Anita Gomez is being Dramatic! V.2
I know the class has moved on to the next module, but I still wanted to post my rewrite. If there is still anyone who would like to give a critique, I’d appreciate it. Thanks!
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Character Name: Judge Cyrus Kilner
Traits: Image-Conscious Narcissist, Hypocrite, Manipulative, Workaholic
Subtext: In this scene he now knows Danica sis not have an abortion, but she doesn’t know that he knows.
Character Logline: Cyrus is a narcissist who won’t let anything – not even ethics – stand in the way of his pursuit to become a power-wielding judge.
NOTE: This scene is the big climax. It’s the first time Judge Cyrus and Danica have seen each other in 20 years, and it’s in this courtroom. He recently found out he has an illegitimate child (Danica’s) but she doesn’t know he knows. Also, her health is deteriorating to the point where a kidney transplant is needed immediately.
EXT. UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS – DAY
The New Orleans 5th Circuit Building is imposing, nearly filling a square block.
INT. US COURT OF APPEALS BUILDING – CONTINUOUS
A lone figure walks up the interior marble stairs and then turns down a notably long arched corridor. Her heels echo and reverberate the hallowed halls of justice.
Danica stops outside the massive doors that lead into the same courtroom we heard arguments for the anti-abortion bill just days ago.
INT. COURTROOM – CONTINUOUS
She enters. But now she’s alone. If the dark wood-paneled walls could give off a smell they would be dark chocolate laced with desperation.
She stares at the three leather chairs behind the imposing bench whose backdrop is intricately carved like some kingly throne.
One could easily imagine the likes of Atticus Finch pronouncing his moral arguments in this very room.
Danica’s reverie is broken as a clerk and stenographer enter to set up for the day. Others begin to filter in, filling the rows with suits.
The last rows are crammed with Broadcast and Print members of the Press.
A junior partner props up several easels with large foam boards of information in the well area that he covers over with black cloths.
Danica sets out her pens, pads and files on the “defenders” table as if they were implements of war.
CLERK
ALL RISE!
The now-packed courtroom gets to its collective feet as the three Appellate Judges enter in their flowing black robes.
Cyrus Kilner sits in the middle, shooting a smirk in Danica’s direction.
Danica’s boss, Dan Greene, enters the back of the courtroom in time to catch the look. He sits in the row behind Danica and her co-counselor in solidarity.
JUDGE 1 bangs the gavel and declares this court in session.
JUDGE CYRUS (addressing Danica directly)
Counselor, you have 90 minutes for today’s counter-argument.
Danica stands, goes to the podium facing the judges, shuffles some papers and seems flustered.
Then she heads to the easels and dramatically whips off the first black covering.
DANICA
Yesterday Council argued ‘for the children’. But who cares for these children after they’re born? UNICEF Ranks the US 40th in child care.
She marches to the next easel, again whipping off the cover.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Then we were asked to worry for the mother’s health and well-being.
(beat/reading)
“A woman’s risk of dying from giving birth is 14 times higher than having an abortion. The mortality rate of a colonoscopy is 40 times greater than an abortion.”
She moves to the third board revealing in similar dramatic fashion:
DANICA (CONT’D)
The WHO estimates that unsafe abortions cause 68,000 maternal deaths worldwide EACH YEAR.
Dan Greene catches Danica’s eye in warning as she stands before the bench. Then she walks resolutely to the final easel.
The revealed pictures cause an audible gasp from the audience. Cameras from the Press click like crazy.
Pictured are two separate infants. One with almost no skull from the Zika Virus. The other with an open spine from Spina Bifida.
DANICA (CONT’D)
These women weren’t given a choice even though they knew their unborn children would face lifelong disabilities. Often, lives cut short by painful deaths due to their disease or deformity, with neither substantial healthcare nor social safety nets available to either of them.
Danica walks back to the podium.
DANICA (CONT’D)
Your honors, these facts and 52 pages more are already in the brief we filed with this court.
(beat)
But facts are not always truth. The TRUTH as to why a woman would choose to terminate her pregnancy? Disease. Hunger. Poverty. Drug addiction. Or maybe to save that child from being born into an abusive household – perhaps the very one she herself was abused in as a victim of incest.
(beat)
And only the individual woman knows the truth surrounding her choice. But in America it’s still a LEGAL choice!
Danica’s impassioned speech has captured the spectator’s collective attention.
DANICA (CONT’D)
These – these are the ugly truths that the woman herself must face and come to terms with. This proposed law would force the unwilling to bear the unwanted!
Danica turns to reach for some of her notes and Dan Greene gives her a nod of encouragement.
The pause gives JUDGE KILNER a chance to pounce.
JUDGE CYRUS
(smarmy)
Ms. Brahms, we are not here to listen to arguments abolishing abortions, only the perimeters of the specific Bill under consideration by the State of Louisiana.
DANICA
Patterned after the so-called Texas ‘Heartbeat’ law. Which did not stop abortions, or even slow their pace. We now have enough statistics to know that the state’s six-week limit actually had so many women rushing to the decision to abort that the clinics in Texas as well as the neighboring states of Oklahoma and here in Louisiana have actually seen a surge in abortions. This rush to commit the very act you have said you want to avoid is because a woman barely has a positive test result in her hand before, “Time’s Up!” – a clinic might find a heartbeat – and remember, a heartbeat does not make a weeks-old embryo viable – but before she can even wrap her head around her own circumstances, the state is forcing a decision!
Danica winces and puts her arm to her back. She goes to her table and leans there a moment attempting to hide her discomfort by looking to confer with her co-counselor a moment.
CO-COUNSELOR
(whispers)
Dani, are you alright?
She waives him off as Cyrus continues his thinly veiled attack.
JUDGE CYRUS
Counselor Brahms, you now have just 30 minutes, so tell me, do you think the father’s opinion counts for anything when weighing this decision?
DANICA
Obviously Judge, child-bearing falls disproportionately on the woman from the moment of conception, and often through child-rearing. Let me pose the same question in reverse – What if a father wants the mother to have an abortion because he doesn’t want the obligation, or the inconvenience of an illegitimate child to ruin his reputation? Does he have the right to force his own selfish agenda onto that woman’s reproductive freedom?
Danica and Cyrus are now facing off with one-on-one intensity, their past history bubbling to the surface.
JUDGE CYRUS
I suppose in that case a woman can choose to adopt the child out.
DANICA
(pointing to the pictures)
Do you know what causes microcephaly? A mosquito bite during pregnancy. A mosquito that could easily find its way to Louisiana. And what if it was your wife who contracted the disease while carrying your child?
JUDGE 1 bangs the gavel sharply. Danica regroups.
DANICA (CONT’D)
To terminate or not terminate is a constitutional right – it is already established reproductive justice LAW.
JUDGE CYRUS
Yes, “a woman’s right to choose” is a well-known placard slogan. I am asking about the rights of the father, AND the rights of the unborn child.
Danica begins to pace. She breaks out in a cold sweat and again puts her hand to the small of her back. But she gathers herself to declare with some force –
DANICA
Years ago I myself had to face this very difficult and very personal choice. And trust me, it was not easy. A pregnancy disrupts a woman’s body, her education, her employment, and often the entirety of the plans she holds for her future. And no, the biological sperm donor was not interested in being a father.
JUDGE CYRUS
So the decision to abort can just be one of convenience?
Cyrus’ flippant attitude has now made the other two Judges uncomfortable.
JUDGE 3
We are once again devolving into what has already been established by the US Supreme Court. The argument before us isn’t whether to ban abortions Ms. Brahms, but when is the sound moral and medical timing for an abortion to be made, and when do we fall into the category of fetal homicide?
DANICA
Homicide Your honor?
The term trips up her focus, but it is her body’s kidney that is giving out –
DANICA (CONT’D)
Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent – not every child should be born into a life of possible pain and suffering. Yesterday we heard theoretical arguments that every unborn child has the potential to be the next Einstein or discover the cure to cancer…. We can’t deal in the theoretical, because what if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?
Once again Danica has to lean on her desk.
JUDGE 1
Ms. Brahms, are you all right? –
DANICA
… access to safe procedures ensures…. Ensures that – Roe V Wade clearly states –
Danica swoons…
DANICA (CONT’D)
… the fetal age of viability –
She faints dead away landing with a crash on the courtroom floor, TV cameras rolling.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by Anita Gomez.
-
This reply was modified 3 years ago by
-
Cam! Freaking great notes! I can’t thank you enough for the deeper insight you’ve given me.
I will incorporate them… somehow… not sure yet how as I figure this all out…
best!
Dev
-
Day 10 – Applying Dramatic Devices To Your Script – Assignment
Mike O – Is Being Dramatic
What I learned is it all fits together, the pieces, the skill sets, they compliment one another and add in a kaisan style to the script as a whole.
ASSIGNMENT 1
Please fill out the Evaluation Form and send it back to me. I use these to get feedback on how the class went for you so I can keep improving it and to find quotes for promoting the program. If you don’t want any quotes used, you can say no to the question that asks your permission to use your comments.
The Evaluation Form is the next email you’ll receive. Just fill it out and…
SEND IT PRIVATELY TO ME AT mailto:hal@ScreenwritingU.com
ASSIGNMENT 2
Using the DRAMATIC DEVICES SKILL SHEET, write a scene using most of the skills we’ve worked with so far. Please do the following:1. List your characters, their traits, and their SCL.
2. Write your scene using as many of the Dramatic Devices skills as possible.
As before, this is easier than it looks. The third email you’ve received is the DRAMATIC DEVICES SKILL SHEET and will give a quick synopsis of the techniques we’ve worked with. Use that as a guideline as you write your scene. Try this process:
1. Write a rough draft expressing your scene idea.
2. Select one technique from the DRAMATIC DEVICES SKILL SHEET go through the scene, using the technique to improve the character or dialogue. Don’t worry about having the entire scene reflect that technique. Instead, just notice what jumps out at you when you think of that scene through the technique.
3. Continue doing passes of the scene, using one technique at a time until you’ve gone through all of them. If one doesn’t work, don’t get stuck on it. Just go on to the next one.
4. Send your scene into the group, along with any comments you’d like to make about how it changed as you applied the skills.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
[CLIMAX SCENE]
INT. SMOKE SHACK – BAR – DAY
Richard, coffee in hand, spies Brooklyn. He walks over to where she is sitting.
Brooklyn studies him. He carries himself with the casual arrogance of a man used to winning — at everything.
BROOKLYN (not this time) “Please, have a seat.”
She waits until he is sitting.
BROOKLYN “My lawyer reviewed the documents your attorney provided him with. Unfortunately, there are discrepancies.”
RICHARD “You know, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, I really was.”
(sips coffee) Drove by the place this morning.(shakes his head) What a shame. I warned your father about the wiring in that place. Several times in fact.”
Brooklyn reaches in her purse, takes out a large envelope and slides it across the table.
BROOKLYN “A picture is worth a thousand words as they say.”
RICHARD “Joshua didn’t know you, did he? I can say with complete certainty, the two of you didn’t so much as exchange a single pleasantry in the last fifteen years. (off her expression)
In fact, your father died not knowing YOU — his only daughter.”
Richard’s expression, one of disgust. Brooklyn gestures to the envelope.
RICHARD (reaches for envelope) “I was there for Joshua, every time there was a problem, every time a sale fell through, I was there. When was the last time you were there for him? That’s right; never. (opens envelope) I can’t decide if your love falls under avarice or reprehensible. Bit of both I’m thinking.”
Richard reaches in the letter sized envelope, leans back savoring the moment.
BROOKLYN (face tightens) “You’re right. I wasn’t there for my father. I have to live with that fact. But you — you taught me an invaluable lesson. (off his do-tell smirk) Not to trust everyone at face value. The only thing you value besides yourself, is money.”
Richard flips through the still shots Brooklyn culled from the gallery’s video footage. His look of smugness turns into something else.
BROOKLYN (conversationally) “What’s the name of your hand tattoo? (pretends to recall) A Gordian knot, right?”
Brooklyn pulls a PHOTOGRAPH from her purse and sets it a top the others. Richard leans in, gives the photo a look.
INSERT – PHOTOGRAPH
We SEE a man dressed in black in the act of pulling a painting off the gallery wall.
BROOKLYN “That’s you, Mister Feldman.”
Brooklyn slaps one last photograph down on the table.
INSERT – PHOTOGRAPH
It is a close-up of the thief’s hand clasping the painting’s frame. The black jogging suit’s sleeve is pulled back REVEALING a hand tattoo. A Godian Knot.
The staccato of high heels on the hardwood floor turns Brooklyn’s head.
Carolyn walks up, takes a chair beside Brooklyn without acknowledging Richard whatsoever.
BROOKLYN “Mister Feldman, you will need to return the Van Loomen, Tenning and the others. Paintings don’t lie and neither does video.”
Brooklyn digs a slip of paper out of her pant’s pocket, sets the list on the table between them.
BROOKLYN “Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
FLASHBACK – BROOKLYN PHOTOGRAPHING THE GALLERY WALLS
We are looking down on Brooklyn from OVERHEAD: CAMERA PHONE in her hand FLASH GOING OFF, snaps shots of the paintings on the gallery walls.
BACK TO SCENE
BROOKLYN “Like I wouldn’t notice my father’s forged signature, really? My father was left-handed.”
CAROLYN (lies with sincerity) “The nanny cam was my idea. Good for catching cheating husbands and thieving employees.”
BROOKLYN “In lay man’s terms, Mister Feldman, you’re fired!”
Furious, Richard’s eyes narrow. With a dismissive gesture, he drops the note and rubs his hands on his sports coat.
RICHARD (stands) “If this is the way you want to play it.(cold smirk) You ladies, have a nice day. Reasonable doubt (snaps his fingers) that is all it takes.”
BROOKLYN (nods her head) “I believe the sheriff here has something for you.”
Sheriff Gibson walks up to the table, in his hand a pair of handcuffs.
SHERIFF GIBSON “Mister Feldman, you are under arrest…”
Carolyn and Brooklyn watch the sheriff escort Richard out.
CAROLYN (high-five’s Brooklyn) “Wow, nicely done. Remind me not to get on your bad side.”
BROOKLYN “Thank-you. That bit about the nanny cam, pure genius.”
CAROLYN “Not to worry. I’ve alerted the Art Dealers Association of America and spoke with Dean, head of the Dallas Art Dealers Association. Richard weasels his way out of a court conviction, he will be finished before he ever opens his doors.
CUT TO:
-
Antonio Flores is being Dramatic!
What I learned is:
Now that we have a good number of skills, I came to experience a new process of outlining, elevating, rewriting, brainstorming, and applying the skills. It makes a difference. I foresee that once internalized, these skills will show up intuitively, as second nature.
ASSIGNMENT 2
———-
Using the DRAMATIC DEVICES SKILL SHEET, write a scene using most of the skills we’ve worked with so far.
1. List your characters, their traits, and their SCL.
Character 1: Parisa Nedellec
Traits: highly principled, a perfectionist, very emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn
Want/Need
Want: To get her fiancé back
Need: To learn to fight in no time
Character subtext logline
Parisa is a highly principled cheerleader turned into MMA fighter whose emotions and trauma often challenge her quest for perfection.
Character 2: Fred Corner
Fred is talkative, honest, bet solicitor who covertly helps Parisa
2. Write your scene using as many of the Dramatic Devices skills as possible.
EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY – NEARBY ALLEY
A dark, narrow alley at the back of the abandoned storage that houses the underground fights.
Parisa and bet-solicitor Fred pick a post for him near some trash containers.
Fred squeezes a grocery paper bag in his arms as if it was a most valuable treasure.
====================
NOTE: SETTINGS
A narrow alley represents a metaphor indicating that Parisa does not have many options or people she can trust. The darkness also represents what prevents Parisa from finding the solution, say, the things that she ignores or that she can’t see.
This setting challenges the hero to face her fears. Under pressure, she tends to push herself to take risks just to avoid feeling guilt for having failed, or well, she gets pessimistic and might feel guilty even before failing,
====================
PARISA
And if you see or hear something?
FRED
Fred gives you a call.
PARISA
Speed dial?
FRED
Set up, ma’m.
PARISA
This might take the whole night. Are you well suppied?
FRED
I’m sure you brought me ‘nough, uh…
(points at the paper bag)
May I?
Parisa approves.
Fred takes a peek into the paper bag, then searches with his hand.
FRED (CONT’D)
Well, c’mon-c’mon. Oh! Ah, chill! Six cold and, and a… what’s this?
He peels off the paper wrap of a bottle neck, uncorks it with his teeth and gets an eye-closed connoisseur sniff.
FRED (CONT’D)
I’ll be damned… if not a fake tan, an iron dram for sure.
PARISA
Well?
FRED
(pats the bag)
Will do, hehe… I mean, will do.
PARISA
I’ll be up there on the roof on other side.
Fred sits on the ground nearby the trash containers. His full attention taken by the paper bag.
PARISA (CONT’D)
Listen, I really appreciate your help. Please don’t take any risk. OK? Be… be safe.
Eyes glued to the bag, Fred replies with a military salute.
Parisa takes a glance at the drunkard enjoying his treasure like a child with new toys in Christmas.
She shakes her head and leaves. A second later, she returns.
PARISA (CONT’D)
Hey, listen. I’m sorry. You can keep the booze and go home. This might get a bit… I mean, I’ll do it myself.
====================
CONFLICT/TENSION
To rescue her boyfriend, Parisa needs help to monitor the facility where he was last seen, but she has few people she can trust (external conflict). She regrets using alcohol to get bet-solicitor, Fred, involved (internal conflict). She realizes that things might get too dangerous and so, her solution may cause even more problems. This also shows Parisa “highly principled” character trait.
====================
Fred pulls the bottle from the paper bag and uncorks it with his teeth.
FRED
Can I ask you something?
Parisa remains quiet. She avoids Fred’s eyes.
FRED
Why are you doing this?
Parisa hesitates to answer, but concedes.
PARISA
I… I must. It’s complex. A life—
FRED
Are YOU afraid?
Parisa bites her lips.
VOICES (V.O.)
(whispering reverberation)
Are you afraid? Are you afraid?
AFRAID. AFRAID. YOU. AFRAID—
Parisa refuses to look into Fred’s eyes.
FRED
ARE. YOU. —
PARISA
(shaking)
YES! YES, I AM!
====================
NOTE: Parisa’s character traits show, “fearful,” “withdrawn”
====================
FRED
(composed)
Well, that’s perfect.
Parisa considers the drunkard’s words.
PARISA
H-how come?
FRED
‘Cos, really, think about it. There’s no better time to be brave than when you’re scared to your bones.
Still shaking, Parisa bites her lips. Nods.
Fred raises his bottle and downs a mouthful.
FRED (CONT’D)
To courage, ma’m!
====================
NOTE: SETUP/PAYOFF
The question “Are you afraid?” and Fred’s toast “To courage!” are meant to challenge the protagonist and create a profound moment. The payoff will create excitement as well as provide closure in the revised ending.
====================
Parisa takes a deep breath, replies with a military salute and leaves.
Fred corks the bottle.
He keeps an eye on the woman walking then, running with resolve through the alley and around the corner.
====================
NOTE: MISLEADS AND REVEALS
This scene and the subsequent performance of the ultra-secret operatives are meant to surprise the audience with the last scene reveal: Fred is the boss.
====================
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Antonio Flores.
-
This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
Log in to reply.