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Day 10 Assignments
Reply to post assignment.
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57 Replies
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Matthew Frendo’s Page Turner!
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned how to make a scene more impactful using the writing with boldness techniques. This will make it a better read and more exciting script.
Name: Host
Traits: Power Hungry, Arrogant, Conspiring, Charismatic
Subtext: Conspiring
EXT. ABANDONED CIRCUS – DAY
The Host, still in his unkempt suit, trods through the circus grounds near the merry-go-round, bitterness etched into his face.
He stops, and takes a big step back, eyeing the Venus flytrap the way one thief looks at another.
HOST
You ain’t gonna get me, motherfucker.
He leans against a merry-go-round horse and breathes deep. He looks at everything around him with disdain.
HOST
(to himself)
They ain’t gonna kill you here. If that idiot bitch and her gang of obtuse morons can make it, then you can make it. You know these games better than anyone. All you need to do is survive the next–
He looks at his watch. As he does, we see a cannibal clown slowly creep up on his left like a fox stalking its prey.
HOST
(to himself)
–one hour-eleven minutes and you’ll be free. Hell, they’ll probably still make you Minister, the way you play that braindead audience.
We see a zombie clumsily walking up on his right with eyes hungrier than a starving wolf in winter.
HOST
So, in a way, I’ve basically won. This will be a peace of cake. I just–
RRAAHH! The cannibal clown lunges on his left.
BLAAWW! The zombie comes at him from his right.
SHRIIIILLLLL! Right before they both get to him, he blows the same whistle he gave Nick earlier.
Only this time, it works.
Both monsters stop, as if in a daze.
He gets up, whistle in his hand, and starts walking backwards away from them, sneering.
HOST
Told him it works. Stupid kid. Some people are so incompetent–
CRUNCH! PTOOEY! The Venus flytrap quickly bites off half of the Host’s body and flings it to the other side of the circus like a morbid hibachi chef entertaining a crowd.
The flytrap belches, as the lower half of the Host’s body crumples to the ground.
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Critique for Matthew’s Scene
From Lisa Long
Hi Matthew,
I haven’t critiqued your outline or scenes previously, so I don’t know the entire story, but this scene is very gripping. And it’s a kudo for you that I was able to pick the story up with this scene and get what was happening. Your descriptions were short, but effective. I was surprised by the end because I visualized a little Venus flytrap like I had as a kid…I didn’t know it was big enough to eat someone!
Using the Skill Mastery Sheet, I found several skills used: Warning, Challenge issued, Threat, Impending crisis, Fear, Hope, Vivid Visual Descriptions, Economy, and Essence.
Reading just this one scene makes me want to read the rest! I think you knocked this assignment out of the park!
If you’re so inclined to read the scene from my very different from yours Christmas script, I would appreciate the feedback!
Thank you
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A very engaging script. It made me want to know more. Unusual and intriguing characters and very scary! Obviously filled the brief for threats, impending crisis, fear, and vivid description.
If you have the inclination mine is Old Buffalo Hospital. Thanks and best of luck going forward.
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Hey Matthew!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Of course! I’ll give it a read tomorrow!
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Hey Matthew!
What I loved about your scene!
1. The use of dramatic irony is something we’ve seen a hundred times before, but the way it’s written in the text makes it fun, from the descriptions to the sound effects.
2. The Host having the calm demeanor and control of the park that’s trying to kill him as indiscriminately as anyone else is a nice touch, and it visually shows the hierarchy of the host over his park…at least until he drops his guard.
What I have questions about…
3. Why does he stop to talk to himself? I mean, a tinge of insanity may be established earlier in the narrative, and I’m just missing that context for this scene. And I’m not trying to say people never talk to themselves out loud (I do this all the time), but a full blown monologue is a little much. Though I will say, the tension in his voice can be felt through the dialogue and description you’ve given him.
***Spoiler warning for the newest SCREAM movie***
One thing the newest SCREAM (2022) established is that the protagonist inherited a similar level of psychosis as her late father, Billy Loomis. This allowed her to talk through ideas of the plot with her father, when none of the other characters were around. Maybe the Host talks with a literal manifestation of his darker side, and the monologue is a back and forth? Just an idea, and in no way should you use it if it doesn’t enhance your vision.
***
Thanks and kindest regards!
Cam
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DAY 10 Applying Boldness to Your Script
Lisa’s Page Turner!
What I learned is to apply as many skills as you can to fill out scenes and make them the most interesting possible.
CHARACTERS for “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”
MARY WINTERS
Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven
Subtext: Fear: Afraid of heights, Afraid of loving someone again, Afraid of not being a good mom, Afraid of failing as the organizer of the IAWL festival and not living up to her mom’s perfectionism. Afraid of not getting to her ex-husband in time & finding him dead.
Character Logline: Mary is a non-stop super mom who must rescue her ex-husband from himself, save kidnapped Santa Claus, and make the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival a success.PETER WINTERS
Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate
Subtext: Fear: Afraid of failure and of losing his business; Afraid of losing his daughters; Afraid of not living up to his “hero” status
Character Logline: Peter is a war veteran hero who is about to lose his snowmobile business due to no snowfall, and he knows that Santa Claus is real from his time in the government, so he will use that knowledge to try to save his business.
JANIE WINTERS
Traits: Juvenile, Moody, Cute
Subtext: Wants to have a happy Christmas with her family
Character Logline: Janie is the 7-year-old daughter of Mary & Peter who has clung to her sister for support during her parent’s divorce and has swings in mood.
RUTHIE WINTERS
Traits: Strong, Protective, Perceptive
Subtext: Wants to protect her little sister and not have them act like their aunts.
Character Logline: Ruthie is the 10-year-old daughter of Mary & Peter who watches out for her little sister and mom and worries about her father a lot.
*SKILLS USED: Countdown, Warning; Fear, Hope; Visual, then Internal; Setup for later Payoff; Promise an even that matters and delay the delivery.
*PREVIOUS SCENE: Peter (Mary’s ex-husband) has breakfast in Ma Jenkin’s Boarding House where he lives. Ma hands him his mail as he is leaving which turns out to be a final notice on his snowmobiling shop.
EXT-MA JENKIN’S BOARDING HOUSE SIDEWALK-DAY
Ma’s old Victorian Boarding House is set way back from the street. Peter is on Ma’s front walk. He rips open the red envelope and pulls out the letter. Peter’s face falls and he tears up as he reads it.
CLOSE-UP ON THE LETTER
The line that is highlighted (like in an old movie) is “Mr. Winters you have until December 25<sup>th</sup> to comply, or the bank will take possession of the Winters snowmobile shop.”
EXT-SIDEWALK-DAY
Peter is in a trance and continues staring at the letter and walking at the same time. Never a good idea. He steps off the curb and tires screech!
INT-SUV-DAY
MARY
(jolting forward) Jesus!
JANIE
Mom!
MARY
Are you alright?
Janie and Ruthie shake their heads yes.
MARY
Stay in the car!
As Mary jumps out of the SUV…
JANIE AND RUTHIE
(yelling and waving through the windshield) Dad! Hi Daddy! We miss you! I love you, daddy!
MARY
Jiminy Christmas, Peter! I almost ran over you!
PETER
(stunned) Oh. Wow.
Seeing his daughters in the SUV, Peter lightly waves at them.
MARY
What’s the matter with you? Are you back on drugs or something?
PETER
Why do you always go there? I just got some bad news that’s all.
Mary notices the letter in his hand.
MARY
Is that the bad news?
Mary tries to snatch it. Peter stuffs it in his pocket.
PETER
Never you mind.
MARY
What is it?
PETER
You never seem to get it. (in her face) We’re divorced.
Peter walks over to the side of the SUV and waves at the girls. The girls open the sliding door.
MARY
(to the girls) Don’t you get out of that car!
JANIE
Hi Daddy!
RUTHIE
Hi Daddy. How are you?
Peter reaches in the SUV and tightly squeezes each of the girls with tears in his eyes because of the bad news he just got. Mary paces back and forth in front of the SUV watching Peter.
PETER
I miss you little ladies
RUTHIE
We miss you too.
Peter sees the tablet in Ruthie’s hand.
PETER
What are you doing?
RUTHIE
We’re waiting for Santa to fly.
Peter takes the tablet and stares at the screen. He recognizes it because he used to work at NORAD.
PETER
I remember that well.
Peter hands the tablet back to Ruthie.
MARY
Pete, can I speak to you for a second? Please?
PETER
Be good at school today little ladies.
Peter kisses each girl on their head.
JANIE
When will we see you again?
PETER
Soon baby.
RUTHIE
Promise?
PETER
I promise.
Peter sadly closes the SUV sliding door. He meanders to the front of the vehicle where Mary is waiting.
MARY
Listen, I wanted to make sure you’ll be over on Christmas Day. The girls really want to see you on Christmas.
Peter nonchalantly glances at his pocket.
PETER
I can’t commit to anything right now.
MARY
Geez! I can never get a straight answer out of you. (anxiously) I have to get them to school. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I’ll call you.
Mary starts to walk away, then turns back around.
MARY (CONTINUED)
(in pig Latin) IXNAY on ANTA A, okay?
PETER
I’m not a monster. I wouldn’t tell them. You, IXNAY on ANTA A!
They pause realizing how stupid they sound. Then they chuckle. It’s their long-time secret.
MARY
Okay wise guy.
Mary hurries around the SUV and jumps into the driver’s seat, starting the vehicle and driving away.
MARY (CONTINUED)
(yelling out the window) And stay out of the street!
Peter standing in the middle of the street watches as they drive away. Tires screech! Peter jumps and turns around.
ERNIE
(out his car window) For Pete’s sake, Pete! Get out of the street!
PETER
Sorry, Ernie!
Peter crosses the street to the sidewalk. Ernie shakes his head and drives off slowly.
FADE OUT
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Hello Lisa, I enjoyed reading your script piece. I think the story is very relatable. I ‘go it’ as far as the dynamics and the situation fueling fear and uncertainty. Both of the main adult characters’ traits came through loud and clear creating much anxiety and tension. The gem of having Pete as a former employee of NORAD makes the fantasy real, pure genius. The whole concept (I realize that was not in the brief) of a divorced family coping at Christmas and trying for some magic is very relevant today. Best of luck going forward. If you are so inclined, mine is Old Buffalo Hospital. Thanks Anna
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Hey Lisa!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Hey Lisa!
I like what you are doing here!
I saw every trait you mentioned used well. I especially thought the use of countdown with Christmas day was a nice touch that works well for the movie. It seems to keep the movie focused on the holiday, which is what you want. And it makes it more sentimental.
Nicely done! Look forward to reading more!
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Hey Lisa!
What I loved about your scene!
1. I love the chemistry between Peter and Mary. There’s a lot of history felt in their words to each other. In the space of a couple of pages, we see what drives them nuts about each other, and a hint of what made them love each other before.
What I’d love to see more of…
2. For the most part, the dialogue exchange between Mary and Peter carries this scene, and the use of description is necessarily limited. However, as infrequently as action description is used, I’d want to see more creative use of verbs, nouns, and descriptions, while avoiding the use of adjectives and adverbs as much as possible. For example, “Peter sadly closes the SUV sliding door” could be “Peter forces himself to slide the door between himself and two girls who mean the world to him,” or “Peter glides the door closed with the tenderness of tucking his daughters into bed.”
What I have questions about…
3. “Peter takes the tablet and stares at the screen. He recognizes ‘it’ because he used to work at NORAD.” What is “it?” Is it the tablet he recognizes, or something on the tablet. More description here would be helpful to know what Peter’s looking at. In addition, the shift from “EXT – SIDEWALK – DAY” to “INT – SUV – DAY” happens so fast and without informing us why Mary shouts “Jesus!” A little line about Mary seeing her ex-husband and how, in her eyes, “here is again, mindlessly being in the way” would go a long way to setting up the scene.
4. I realize this genre of film may utilize more of a slow burn approach. Still, I do want to know if there’s a way to better establish a true turn or change in the polarity. The scene starts with Peter receiving terrible news. He’s already lost his family, and now he’s losing his business. Then, the scene ends with the hint of a promise: Peter may get his family back. We’ve gone from the negative to the promise of a positive. I’d love to see this turn elevated to where it ends as powerfully as it began. Strong turning points that follow Newton’s Laws of Physics (for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction) help to establish a faster paced story and provide more options, keeping the audience engaged. I know one of the frustrations Mary has about Peter is that he struggles to commit to anything, but when the story is unsure on account of Peter being unsure, then the reader/audience is left waiting for the story to be sure and confident in the direction it’s going. You want uncertainty created through definite options and clear story questions, not vagueness.
I can’t wait to read more of this goofy and heartwarming story about Santa getting kidnapped!
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Thank you, Cameron, for the thoughtful feedback. I appreciate it!
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Anna Harper’s Page Turner Day 10 Applying Boldness
What I learned from this assignment; paying attention to all of the options for drama is helpful in amping up the tension.
OLD BUFFALO HOSPITAL
CHARACTERS
SARAH WARWICK
Traits. Anxious occasionally drinks too much. Empathic, believes in the principles of ethics. Assertive.
Subtext. Lonely, putting a brave face on situations. Unsure if she is up to it, and terrified she is not.
Character Logline. What’s happening to my life? Is it going to get better, is there light at the end of the tunnel?
SARAH WARWICK
Is a 30-something urban woman, single mother to 5-year-old Eli. Maggie’s son is everything to her. Recently, the charity she worked for was closed. With almost no money to provide for herself and her son. She leaves her friends and the city life she is accustomed to, with trepidation, she has signed up for the unknown; a job at a hospital in the Yukon bush.
DR. SULEMAN
Traits Power mad. Loves money. Occasionally smacks his wife around. Loves his children.
Subtext. Creeping fear my wife may leave me. I can’t stop myself from doing what I’m doing I am addicted to the life I have created. I won’t get caught.
Character Logline A big fish hiding in a small remote pond.
DR. TEDDY SULEMAN
Suleman is the Chief of Medical Staff at Old Buffalo Hospital. He is a tall well built, very charismatic, attractive man, of African heritage. His manner is both charming and overbearing. He has a megalomaniac character. Suleman is the local kingpin as a drug distributor for all of the north. As far as he is able, he finds out his staff’s weaknesses and exploits them to serve his agenda.
SITUATION
SARAH WARWICK has newly arrived at her job as a mental health worker at a Yukon bush hospital. Sarah recently became unemployed As a desperate single mother, she has taken a job with many unknowns in a dangerous environment. She has no experience in the north and is meeting the Chief of Medical Staff for the first time. Locally, drug and alcohol problems are rife.
SULEMAN
Well, how was your first day? I hear you had to pitch in early. That’s how it is here Sarah. All teamwork. You know what I mean, don’t you Sarah?
Dr. Suleman puts His hand on Sarah’s shoulder. Sarah’s face exhibits disdain
SARAH
I certainly do. Everyone has been most helpful. Very professional.
DR. SULEMAN
Here, I am the captain of my ship. Master and Commander. My word is gold here Sarah. No questions asked. We all do as we are asked, no one rocks the boat. teamwork. I think you understand Sarah.
Out of the hospital, you can call me Teddy. In here though, I am literally the God of the hospital. Healing the sick and walking wounded, the worried well, and the neurotics. That’s my mission, called to serve and do God’s healing work.
SARAH
Tries to hide her incredulity, steps back. Dr.Suleman releases his hand on her shoulder.
V.O. Is he completely mad? What have I got myself into?
SARAH
Sarah speaks in a low, calm tone.
Thanks for that Dr.Suleman. Of course, I understand and respect your rank as Chief of Medical Staff. However, I do believe communication flow can be so very helpful. In fact, I did want to ask you about some concerns I had about the medications the patients who came in today were on.
Sarah’s voice volume rises to a more assertive clear tone.
SARAH CONTD
They had all been on various narcotics for months. And really wondered about the safety of the kid on Vicodin? He tried to kill himself with a shotgun. He is being Medivaced out of here as we speak. I’m hoping we can start weaning patients off and trying other ways of dealing with their issues other than narcotics. Can we talk about this tomorrow? I really have to get going now.
SULEMAN
Takes a step closer to Sarah, towering over her.
Dr. Suleman uses his arm to block Sarah’s exit. His expression changes in a flash. .He looks furious. Suleman is talking in a low voice, his voice gradually rising to an angry pitch.
SULEMAN
You are either remarkably stupid or possibly deaf. If you don’t want to get yourself into a whole lot of grief. This is your first day and, you, a mere minion in my kingdom have the gall to question my judgment!
Suleman opens the door. He gestures for Sarah to leave, and now uses a loud intimidating voice.
SULEMAN CONTD
Get out! Go home and think very carefully about what I tried to make clear to you. Do you understand me?
SARAH
In a low even voice.
I’ll talk with you tomorrow Dr.Suleman, and we can keep it professional and focused on the best practice for the patients. Good night!
SARAH V.O.
I think I am going to get fired on my first day by a lunatic!
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Critique for ANNA HARPER – “Old Buffalo Hospital”
Thank you for your feedback, Anna!
Reading your scene for Old Buffalo Hospital and reviewing the Skill Mastery Sheet, I see clearly how you applied boldness to your dialogue, added warnings, challenge, threat, and created a reputation for your villain. Your protagonist’s hope for the future turns to fear, then back to hope when Sarah stands her ground. I could feel the tension as I read it. In the description for SARAH WARWICK, you write, “Maggie’s son is everything to her”. Just reading this scene alone, I don’t know who Maggie is. Overall, the assignment was well met, and I would like to read more! You have me intrigued.
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Thank you very much. Appreciate your response.
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Hi Anna!
I like what I read here! I won’t go into the techniques used because Lisa nailed them already, but I think this is a strong script. I thought the change of the Dr. was especially well done and added a lot of suspense and intrigue to the scene. Well done!
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Hey
Anna, they tell never action in parenthesis, even what kind of voice
I noticed, you changed the scene with more emotions
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Cameron Martin’s Page Turner
What I learned doing this assignment…practiced how to more consistently use the skills developed in the past two to three weeks. I’m worried that I did go a little overboard in some respects. Though, I’m sure it’s also much easier to tailor back unearned intensity than it is to elevate a dull scene and description. Either way, this is what I’ve got after writing a new scene and reworking the one from all the way back with Assignment 3 of Creating Characters, since I had to finally accept that it was more believable for a pulmonologist to have experience with power tools than it was for a construction worker to perform a bronchoscopy on his son without killing him. That and I had to set up a scene later in the script where Isaiah uses basic mechanics to solve a problem.
INT. SPACE COLONY / HALLWAYS / APARTMENTS – CONT. – DAY
A perfectly calibrated clockwork of people, computers, and robots.
No sign of any possible incident.
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A handful sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism.
And the handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar in the brown fluid.
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save all.
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
Two construction workers carrying a third between them. The third worker has a large bloody spot growing on the side of their chest, with a pipe stabbed into the center.
DR. MICK
Not again.
A third doctor, SULLY, comes out of nowhere.
Who’s Sully? He’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years, maintaining a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.
SULLY
How’s that new “widow-maker” line of tools working out for you?
Sully escorts the trio of workers to a vacant corner.
WORKER 1
Shut up and fix him, Sul.
SULLY
(helping his patient onto a bed)
Of course, of course. You attempt to fix the only home we have, and I’ll ACTUALLY fix you.
Sully waists no time. He tears the shirt open and examines the skinny pipe staked into the worker’s rib cage.
SULLY
That’s it? And I thought all you boys were tough.
WORKER 2
Hey, fuck you!
SULLY
(to Worker 2)
No, but thank you.
(to Wounded Worker)
As for you, you’re already getting fucked.
(flicking the pipe)
You going to take that?
Worker 2 is about to take the head off of this asshole, but…
Dr. Douglas’ hand holds Worker 2’s shoulder.
DR. DOUGLAS
(to Sully)
One of these days, your strategy is going to get you hurt.
Sully barely listens, fully engrossed in treating the puncture would and pneumothorax. He commands the room like a cross between Mozart and Dr. Frankenstein.
SULLY
“Don’t go gentle into that good night” my friend.
Dr. Mick enters, snarling his teeth.
DR. MICK
Your missing an opportunity to work with tools for a living doesn’t entitle you to mistreat actual professionals.
SULLY
I didn’t miss out. Like you, I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. Our lizard brains told us to go for the bigger number.
Sully tosses the pipe over his shoulder.
DR. MICK
There’s protocol for exposed blood you idiot!
SULLY
Hey everyone…don’t touch that pipe.
Dr. Mick is seething at this amateur.
SULLY
(daring Dr. Mick)
It’s got blood on it, just so you all know.
Dr. Mick storms over.
Sully raises his hands and a white, albeit bloody, rag.
His patient inhales with a full breath.
WOUNDED WORKER
Gah, man that hurts!
SULLY
Recovery may take a couple months. You’ll get antibiotics, a handful of breathing exercises. The sooner you get better, the sooner you can punch me. Deal?
WOUNDED WORKER
(climbing out of his bed)
I’m looking forward to it.
WORKER 2
Is he actually patched up right?
WORKER 1
Yeah. Sul does good work.
WORKER 2
(to Dr. Mick)
Doc?
DR. MICK
(forcing the words)
Dr. Sullivan did a fine job. Your friend’s going to be just fine.
A small boy, ISAIAH, scrambles to get to his dad, Sully. He’s oblivious to the work being down around him, and many of the workers have to stop to avoid running into the young kid.
ISAIAH
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
Sully sees his son and motions for him to slow down.
SULLY
Jesus, Isaiah! Watch where you’re going.
Isaiah slows down, but keeps walking at a brisk pace, again, not paying attention to who’s around.
ISAIAH
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…
SULLY
(grabbing ISAIAH’s shoulders)
What are you doing here?
ISAIAH
I made the most amazing discovery!
Isaiah doesn’t stop talking, completely ignorant of the other conversations going on.
ISAIAH
It’s so cool!
SULLY
That’s great. Tell me about it later.
(turning away)
Can I get an assistant here?
ISAIAH
I know! I know how the tunnels work! Everything, all of this space is perfect!
An ASSISTANT walks up to Sully and Isaiah.
ASSISTANT
Whatcha got?
ISAIAH
We have to add moisture through the vents since it’d be too dry anyways.
SULLY
(to Assistant)
Take him back to, to wherever he’s supposed to be. School. Take him back to school.
ISAIAH
And because the vents have so much moisture in them, and they go to the outside—
ASSISTANT
(to Isaiah)
Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.
ISAIAH
(to Assistant)
In a minute.
(to Sully)
Dad—
SULLY
Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.
ISAIAH
(beelining for the nearest air vent)
But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!
SULLY
(to Assistant)
Get him out of here.
The Assistant takes Isaiah by the arm, but Isaiah squirms and rips his arm free.
Isaiah holds himself tight, his arms wrapping around his torso like he’s in a straight jacket.
Each time the Assistant and Sully try grabbing Isaiah’s hand or arm, he pulls away, looking down at the ground and humming a constant tone.
SULLY
(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders and holding him still)
Isaiah, look at me.
Isaiah hums louder, focussed on the ground.
SULLY
Look at me, Isaiah.
ISAIAH
MMHMM!
SULLY
If you can’t follow basic instructions, then you don’t belong here with me.
Sully places Isaiah’s closed fist in the Assistant’s hand, pats him on the back and on his way out of the medical bay.
Isaiah tugs against the Assistant, looking back at his dad, who forces himself to look away and find something to distract himself.
The Assistant looks ahead and waves – this is ridiculous!
ASSISTANT
Can I PLEASE get a little help?
Isaiah pulls out a tiny spray bottle from his pocket and spritzes the Assistant’s hand.
The Assistant recoils, clutching her hand.
ASSISTANT
What the hell did you just spray me with?
Too late. Isaiah is already gone.
Isaiah stampedes through the medical bay, hurling anything he can touch between him and the assistant.
He snatches a flexible bronchoscope…
And ties it to a vent…
While throwing the other end over a robotic arm attached to the ceiling.
Before Sully or anyone else can get to him…
Isaiah drives the bronchoscope down, using the arm like a pulley wheel…
SNAP!
The bronchoscope breaks.
Sully, standing over him, pins him to the ground.
Isaiah struggles.
ISAIAH
MMMMMM!
SULLY
What is wrong with you! Why can’t you just be…
Sully doesn’t allow himself to finish the thought.
Isaiah relaxes, tears in his eyes, looking off into space.
Sully picks himself up to his knees and examines the broken bronchoscope.
SULLY
(calmly as can be maintained)
I want you…to go. Please, just go home.
Isaiah continues looking off.
SULLY
Look at me.
Isaiah moves his head, but can’t look his dad in the eye.
SULLY
Isaiah, I need you to listen. Look me in the eye so I know you’re listening.
Isaiah looks up at his dad, and shuts his eyes tight.
SULLY
Isaiah? Kid?
(losing it)
Look at me!
Isaiah starts laughing nervously.
Sully lets go and stands up, pulling at his hair.
Isaiah gets up.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
Do you know what you broke? It wasn’t a line. It was a tool that could let us see and remove…medical term? Stuff…that gets stuck in your lungs. I can’t imagine how that might be useful.
ISAIAH
I’m sorry.
SULLY
I need your help, because I don’t know how to FIX YOU.
Isaiah runs away to home.
MANAGER (O.S.)
Sully! My office! Now!
Sully grips the bridge of his nose again.
INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The manager rifles through thick stacks of paper. He repeats this process of looking busy – assessing his thoughts.
SULLY
Sir, if I may—
MANAGER
Just a second.
Sully observes his boss flip through each document with such ferocity that it sounds like the kinetic blasting of an automatic gun.
MANAGER
One hundred seventeen. One hundred seventeen. Do you know what that number is?
SULLY
It’s the total pop—
MANAGER
It’s the total population of this space colony, and we’re growing. We’re growing based on what, Sul?
SULLY
It’s based on—
MANAGER
Stop, stop, just stop. You don’t know. That’s the answer. You don’t know. You’re too busy doing your own thing to know. So, let me educate you. The Hegemony owns this colony, and as the largest governmental entity off Earth, they control the majority of space travel, trading, and they’ve made significant investments here, and they’ll continue growing this little colony based on the success and resources we’re able to bring them.
SULLY
You didn’t bring me in to discuss politics.
MANAGER
It’s not politics. It’s you and your son making a mockery of the system that brings prosperity to every man, woman, and child here and abroad.
SULLY
I understand. If I may—
MANAGER
You may not. What you may do is apologize and promise me that you and your son will be the type of citizen The Hegemony expects from its population here.
Sully bites his cheek. Deep breath – What am I going to say to this?
MANAGER
Well?
SULLY
I’m sorry. Deeply sorry, that my son falls somewhere on a spectrum.
MANAGER
Sullivan—
SULLY
I’m on my knees, begging for forgiveness that neither I nor anyone has had a conversation with him that wasn’t about a topic that he’s obsessed with, which has consistently been on the indigenous fauna of this…excuse me. Hegemony owned rock. I can’t imagine how that’d be useful to this colony.
MANAGER
You are out of line, and if you refuse to take ownership of your actions or the actions of your out-of-control child, and align with the interests of The Hegemony, then I’ll make sure The Hegemony takes your son and aligns him to their vision.
SULLY
I’ll admit. You’re right. I’ve been reckless and this is space. We can’t take chances. Especially not the kind I’ve exposed this colony to.
Manager taps his trigger-finger against the desk, anticipating the next few words to target.
SULLY
I’ll be more considerate to protocol. You have my word on that. An I’ll be sure to try and help Isaiah to use his intelligence – and he is. It’s incredible how smart he is – to use that for the benefit of the people around him. But I’ll make this as clear as I can. I am the only parent he has and will have.
The wail of a siren slashes through the tension between the two, each shifting their attention to its source.
MANAGER
Meeting adjourned.
Both men make a break for the door.
Manager cuts in front of Sully, pushing him aside, before standing in the door.
MANAGER
(turning back around, trigger finger aimed)
This isn’t over.
Sully’s fist nails his Manager’s jaw, sending him to the floor – Get the hell out of my way!
SULLY
(jumping over manager)
I hope you’re right.
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CRITIQUE for Cameron
I haven’t read the other scenes from you, so I’m not sure what’s happening with the entire story. But looking at the Skill Mastery Sheet, I see that you added suspense, uncertainty, visual and emotional descriptions, and were bold.
The scene started great, but the excitement went way up when Isaiah entered the room. However, I wasn’t sure what was up with him or what he was trying to do. But I figure that’s okay because I don’t know what happened prior to this scene.
I loved the description: “Because he loves making things more than making love.” I didn’t think the description of Mozart and Dr. Frankenstein worked…but I’m not sure why…just my reaction. If this is in the future, would the Manager have stacks of paper? It seemed out of place and old-fashioned. Maybe it was intentional? I loved the ending of the scene! Look forward to more…
Please feel free to critique mine too. Thanks!
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Lisa Paris Long.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Hi Cameron can we exchange feedback? I am a few past you
Kate
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Hey Kate!
I’d love to!
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Cam
I admire your willingness to go back and make a major change to better fit your story!
” fully engrossed in treating the puncture would WOUND? and pneumothorax”
a lot here..
not sure how or why Isaiah gets in..
regarding the skills set
the whole thing is anticipatory!
lots of suspense
hooks up the ying-yang
the uncertainty is short but strong
great visual description although sometimes feels a little forced?
emotional description there but sometimes the action is so fast it barely registers.
all in all- it draw us in and moves us at a breakneck pace to the next and the next – making us want more. Great stuff!
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Cameron Martin’s Page Turner (V.2)
First, thanks to Lisa and Kate for their notes and encouraging words!
I decided to include about half of what the original version held. Apologies if my original ten page version took up too much time for feedback.
(Context: The following scene takes place on page 4, immediately following a teaser. Prior to this scene, all that’s important to know is that something terrible will happen, Sully blames himself, and Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, is dying.)
INT. MEDICAL BAY – DAY
A handful sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism.
And the handful of medical staff on autopilot.
DR. MICK – 50s to 60s, stubborn, self assured, and has seen more with his own eyes than everyone in that room combined – strides out a room where a teenager’s busy coughing up a lung.
He grabs himself a cup of coffee. Another doctor, DR. DOUGLAS – 40s, soft spoken like he’s always trying to calm a fawn – pours another packet of sugar into his own cup.
DR. DOUGLAS
Sounds terrible.
DR. MICK
Don’t you start.
DR. DOUGLAS
Nonsense. I agree. The chances are so slim with the new filters.
DR. MICK
Exactly. Plus I’ve seen it already. I know what it looks like.
DR. DOUGLAS
So, nothing to be concerned with?
Dr. Mick scoffs – He’s through defending his position and his patient.
DR. MICK
Douglas, if you see me concerned, then GOD save all.
A clatter shatters the calm of the scene.
Dr. Mick and Douglas snap their attention to…
Two construction workers carrying a third between them. The third worker has a large bloody Rorschach blot growing on the side of his chest, with a pipe stabbing into its center.
DR. MICK
Not again.
A third doctor, SULLY, comes out of nowhere.
He’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years, maintaining a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.
SULLY
How’s that new “widow-maker” line of tools working out for you?
Sully escorts the trio of workers to a vacant corner.
WORKER 1
Shut up and fix him, Sul.
SULLY
(helping his patient onto a bed)
Of course, of course. You ATTEMPT to fix the only home we have, and I’ll ACTUALLY fix you.
Sully waists no time. He tears the shirt open and examines the skinny pipe staked into the rib cage.
SULLY
That’s it? And I thought all you boys were tough.
WORKER 2
Hey, fuck you!
SULLY
(to Worker 2)
No, thank you.
(to Wounded Worker)
As for you, you’re already getting fucked.
(flicking the pipe)
You going to take that?
Worker 2 is about to take the head off of this asshole, but…
Dr. Douglas’ hand pulls back Worker 2’s shoulder, like a rancher pulling back a stallion.
DR. DOUGLAS
(to Sully)
One of these days, your strategy of getting patients too angry with you to die is going to backfire.
Sully barely listens, fully engrossed in treating the puncture wound and collapsed lung. He’s in full control, like a medical Mozart.
SULLY
“Don’t go gentle into that good night” my friend.
Dr. Mick enters, snarling his teeth.
DR. MICK
You missing an opportunity to work with tools for a living doesn’t entitle you to mistreat actual professionals.
SULLY
I didn’t miss out. I saw one number for building stage sets, and another number for fixing people. My lizard brain just told me to go for the bigger number.
Sully tosses the pipe over his shoulder.
DR. MICK
There’s protocol for exposed blood you idiot!
SULLY
(to everyone in the room)
Hey…don’t touch that pipe.
Dr. Mick is seething at this amateur.
SULLY
(daring Dr. Mick)
It’s got blood on it.
Dr. Mick storms over.
Sully raises his hands and a white, albeit bloody, rag.
His patient inhales with a full breath.
WOUNDED WORKER
Gah, man that hurts!
SULLY
Recovery may take a couple months. You’ll get antibiotics, a handful of breathing exercises. The sooner you get better, the sooner you can punch me. Deal?
Wounded worker
(climbing out of his bed)
I’m looking forward to it.
WORKER 2
How do we know you didn’t just fuck him up worse than the spike in his chest?
DR. DOUGLAS
Dr. Sullivan is…unorthodox. But your friend’s going to be okay.
(on his way out)
Tell him, Dr. Mick.
Dr. Mick would rather die.
DR. MICK
Sully’s too careless in every other part of his life. He knows if he screws up even one operation, he’ll be sent to an asteroid belt.
A small boy, ISAIAH, scrambles to get to his dad, Sully. Oblivious to the commotion around him.
ISAIAH
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
Sully sees his son and motions for him to slow down.
SULLY
Jesus, Isaiah! Watch where you’re going.
Isaiah slows down, but keeps a beeline toward Sully, as other medical workers and patients dodge the pint sized juggernaut.
ISAIAH
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…
SULLY
(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders)
What are you doing here?
ISAIAH
I made the most amazing discovery!
Isaiah doesn’t stop talking, completely ignorant of the other conversations going on.
ISAIAH
It’s so cool!
SULLY
That’s great. Tell me about it later.
(turning away)
Can I get an assistant here?
DR. MICK
Why am I surprised?
ISAIAH
I know! I know how the tunnels work! Everything! This whole colony! It’s perfect!
An ASSISTANT walks up to Sully and Isaiah.
ASSISTANT
Whatcha got?
ISAIAH
It’s all because we have to add moisture through the vents to keep it from being too dry here.
SULLY
(to Assistant)
Take him back to, to wherever he’s supposed to be. School. Take him back to school.
DR. MICK
Maybe you should join him?
ISAIAH
And because the vents have so much moisture in them, and they go to the outside—
ASSISTANT
(to Isaiah)
Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.
ISAIAH
(to Assistant)
In a minute.
(to Sully)
Dad—
SULLY
Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.
DR. MICH
Your son’s not the only reason it isn’t safe here.
ISAIAH
But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!
SULLY
(to Assistant)
Get him out of here.
The Assistant takes Isaiah by the arm, but Isaiah squirms and rips his arm free.
Isaiah holds himself tight, his arms wrapping around his torso like he’s in a straight jacket.
Each time the Assistant and Sully try grabbing Isaiah’s hand or arm, he pulls away, eyes fixed on the ground and humming a steady tone.
SULLY
(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders and holding him still)
Isaiah, look at me.
Isaiah hums louder, tuning out the voices and avoiding the eyes all around him.
SULLY
Look at me, Isaiah.
ISAIAH
MMHMM!
SULLY
If you can’t follow basic instructions, then you don’t belong here with me.
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Hey Cameron!
I read both versions. Are you taking the other stuff out altogether or just for this read? Because I would def leave the other stuff with Isiah in there. It was very impactful and made it an interesting read.
The stuff with Isiah is great and gives a strong internal and external conflict.
I like Sully as a doctor this time around.
The dialogue and descriptions are well done.
There are 2 areas of description I would look at:
1) There’s a place where you use the same term (“handful of”) twice back to back. It might be better to change one to something else to vary it up.
The lines are:
A handful sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism.
And the handful of medical staff on autopilot.
2) I think the description of Sully may be too long and too non-visual.
A third doctor, SULLY, comes out of nowhere.
He’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years, maintaining a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.
I think the lesson said to limit non-visuals to a certain degree. It can also just be cut down in general.
For example:
In walks SULLY, a man-child who loves fixing things more than sex. (then let his actions show what kind of father he is) or…
In walks Sully, a man-child whose obsession with fixing things led to a divorce and life as a single father.
You get the idea…
Overall, great job! I love where you’re taking the story!
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CHARACTERS:
Lincoln: driven, compassionate, believes Clay is after him, needs his wife to see that truth.
Nubia: Lincoln’s wife is loving, patient, skeptical, and fears her husband is becoming mentally unstable. She needs him to see that truth.
What I learned is how I can weave the web between characters in a much stronger way by using the techniques in Writing with Boldness. Each time I re-read the list, I found more tiny moments I could add to the scene.
EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBOOD – DAY – LATER
A SHIMMER ripples down the street. Emerging from it – Clay’s car which pulls up in front of Lincoln’s house. Clay gets out with his shotgun.
LINCOLN, watching from his front bay window, lurches back, closes the curtains.
INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – CONTINUOUS
Nubia enters the room…
NUBIA
C’mon, closing the curtains during the day? Your baby mama needs sunlight.
She pulls them back open when Lincoln throws himself over her, topples her over to the floor.
LINCOLN
Get down!
Through the bay window – another SHIMMER passes.
LINCOLN
(Urgent but sotto)
He’s here – with a gun!
NUBIA
Who?
LINCOLN
Shhh!
Nothing happens. Nubia’s arm is stuck under her.
NUBIA
Ow. Lincoln, my arm. You’re crushing me.
He gets up.
LINCOLN
Stay there.
Peers out the window.
POV:
A quiet neighborhood street. No car, no gun, no Clay.
Nubia pushes herself into a sitting position, rubs her sore arm.
NUBIA
You sure you saw someone?
Lincoln reaches under the couch, searches for something.
LINCOLN
He probably moved his car and is still here.
He finds the gun, heads to kitchen.
LINCOLN
I’ll check the back.
NUBIA
A gun? Under our couch?
She pulls herself to her feet, heads after him.
NUBIA
Lincoln!
EXT. LINCOLN’S BACKYARD – DAY
Lincoln stalks his backyard.
LINCOLN
You want me? Here I am! Come out you son of a bitch!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He swallows hard.
INT. KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
Nubia waits for him by the back door.
LINCOLN
He’s gone.
NUBIA
(Gently)
Gone or, honey, maybe he never was?
Lincoln rubs his temples. Could she be right? His eyes search hers. Is he going crazy? Then, he remembers. He grabs her by the wrists, pulls her through the house and out the front door.
NUBIA
Stop! You’re hurting me! Lincoln, please!
EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – ON CAR – MOMENTS LATER
Lincoln shoves Nubia toward his car. Indicates the bullet punctures on its side.
LINCOLN
Never was? Then tell me? Who did this?
Lincoln’s reality smacks her in the face.
NUBIA
Okay… Okay. So, Lincoln, you just stop! No more rallying the people, no more pissing off white people!
He takes up her hands in his, hold them gently, lovingly.
LINCOLN
Nubie, after so long we have a baby coming. You don’t think I need to do this for their future? You think I should just give up now?
She caresses his face.
NUBIA
Lincoln… I see the bullets. I believe you — and I can’t lose you.
In front of her eyes, her loving, caring husband, turns to stone.
LINCOLN
I asked you a question. Do you want me to give up?
Lincoln grabs her arms, his fingers digging in.
LINCOLN
Because if I do, our community – hell, our country goes to shit!
NUBIA
Lincoln, you’re hurting me!
He shoves her back hard against the side of his car. The shock of it melts her down the side of it.
LINCOLN
I’m not letting that white boy stop me!
He heads back inside.
Nubia grimaces as she eases herself back up. Heaving herself after her husband, she’s unaware that she’s left smatterings of blood on the pavement.
NUBIA
Lincoln!
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Critique for DEV ROSS
Dev-
A riveting scene full of uncertainty and boldness. Additional skills from the list that are present are suspense and visual/emotional descriptions. I’m assuming that Clay is in Lincoln’s body after the shimmer…if I remember from reading earlier scenes. It is gripping and you’re building a powerful story. I can’t wait to read more.
Please feel free to critique mine too. Thank you!
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Lisa Paris Long.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Oh MY Dev! getting darker and scarier.
lots of foreshadowing, lots of hooks, and vivid description and that being bold skill – (emotion etc)
didnt see suspense (event matter delay) and the hope/fear /hope thing. but hard to do in a short scene and sets up whats to come I am sure.
whatever I am eager to see what is either side of this and how it turns out!
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Kate’s Page Turner
What I learned doing this assignment is it adds unexpected and better turns, people have many choices and each choice made means a slightly different outcome
This very much a large, 2 vey different groups meeting.
scene 3 in the script
INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING
Under a dark, low ceiling, with slowly moving fans, Nia, Sarah and Mercedes are seated at a formica topped table with Michael, Tim and Shaunn.(These are the core members of the Theatre troupe who just arrived in town.)
Seated at the bar are the locals Ian and Dave (40s) with Susan and Luis (a couple in their 30s). At another table are Sylvie and Harold (a couple in their 70s) with Francis (40s)
A juke box plays the old Eagles song ‘Hotel California’, a barman chats with customers at one end, as a thin, wiry barmaid takes a food order at the other. It is busy in a low-key, familiar kind of way.
NIA
I love these kinds of places.
SARAH
It’s like a setting for social drama. You got the young locals at the bar.
NIA
And the old couple over there.
MICHAEL
And we’re the out-of-towners come to cause trouble!
SHAUNN
And we’ll never ever leave!
AT THE BAR
IAN
Where are they staying?
DAVE
Camped up in the Green Field. Luciana’s old place.
IAN
Sure was a shame her Grandpa lost that.
DAVE
He was cheated out of it.
IAN
Hard to prove with that slime-y piece of work.
LUIS
I’d love to get it back.
IAN
Who wouldn’t?
DAVE
Then invite Darrogh to a party there and give him what for!
LUIS
Take a miracle.
SUSAN
Here’s to Miracles. They come in mysterious ways!
AT THE OTHER TABLE
SYLVIE
I’m looking forward to that play this weekend.
HAROLD
Is it one of those Shakespeare things?
SYLVIE
Yes, and you‘ll like it.
HAROLD
I never understand them. Still, it’s colorful and makes a change.
FRANCIS
What one are they doing?
SYLVIE
I read it somewhere but can’t remember the name.
HAROLD
Doesn’t matter what it’s called, it’ll still be hard to follow.
FRANCIS
I think that’s them over there. We can go ask.
SYLVIE
Oh yes. Come on.
She stands with her drink (a rum and coke) and sails over.
Francis right beside her. Harold, resigned to the inevitable, sighs and follows.
AT THE OTHER TABLE
MERCEDES
Here they come!
As Sylvie, Francis and Harold arrive Michael, Shaunn and Tim stand to greet them.
SYLVIE
Welcome! I’m Sylvie. This is Harold my husband, and Francis.
The ‘standers’ all shake hands.
Mercedes leans forward and waves, exuding good will and generosity even in her dress.
MERCEDES
I’m Mercedes.
Sarah more circumspect and happily tipsy, blows a kiss.
SARAH
Sarah!
Nia, elegant and enjoying the energy, stands and reaches across the table to shake with whomever will take her hand.
NIA
We’re so happy to be here. It’s beautiful. Peaceful and timeless.
SYLVIE
Sorta. But time catches up with all of us.
TIM
Please, take a seat.
Sylvie sits and the guys pull up more chairs.
Soon all are seated, curiosity and expectancy envelops them.
FRANCIS
Ready for the play?
SHAUNN
Absolutely! Setting up the stage right there where we’re camped.
HAROLD
Shakespeare right? What play is it?
SARAH
Much Ado – About nothing.
HAROLD
Like our town. That’ll work here. For sure. Always a to-do about something and it’s usually nothing.
Dave, Ian Susan and Luis arrive.
SUSAN
Hi! I’m Susan. My husband Luis, and Ian and Dave.
Nods and hand-shakes all round as people introduce themselves. And more chairs are pulled up.
DAVE
Where are you doing the play?
MICHAEL
The field – up where we’re camped.
The locals exchange glances.
DAVE
Do you have a permit?
TIM
Permission?
IAN
Yes.
SARAH
We got a letter with directions saying we could stay there and do the show there.
DAVE
Do you have it?
They are interrupted as the bar door flies open and LUCIANA SANCHEZ, a 5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life invested in the community, wielding a flamenco-inflected voice topped by an untamed black mane of hair busts in.
She is closely followed by Hades, her black Mexican Hairless dog, big for the breed, and very alert.
She looks around, spots the crowd and heads right for them, Hades at her heels.
FRANCIS
Luciana!!
He leaps up from his chair and offers it to her.
Hades sits on it.
Luciana laughs and stands by the chair, Francis at her elbow.
LUCIANA
Buenas noches! What a gathering! Welcome to our actores! I hope you are settled and comfortable?
NIA
Yes, thank you. It is a perfect place. Gracias.
LUCIANA
Tu hablas español?
NIA
Oh no pequeno! Muy poca.
Luciana is looking at her, puzzled, searching.
LUCIANA
That is ok. I speak good English except when I am excited.
FRANCIS
Then look out!
DAVE
Luciana, you know they’re camped in the Green Field?
There is a slight tension over the room.
LUCIANA
Green field?
MERCEDES
The top of the hill.. we were told we could camp there.
NIA
And do the show.
Luciana looks around. People are variously puzzled, anxious, or just waiting.
SYLVIE
I know this is hard, Luciana.
SHAUNN
We sent you the PR and no-one said no.
LUCIANA
Yes. I know the one and yes, I gave permission. Of course – camp and do your play there. We will all love to come to it.
SYLVIE
All?
LUCIANA
The ones who matter. Now – a round on the town to welcome our guests.
The barman and barmaid are right there! It is rarely this kind of energy fills the room. Orders are given.
People are chatting in smaller groups.
Francis pulls Luciana aside.
FRANCIS
You gave permission? It’s not yours to give! It’s Darrogh’s field now.
LUCIANA
I know and that why I said yes.
FRANCIS
Why did they ask you?
Luciana gives sideways smile. Francis gasps. He can’t believe it.
FRANCIS
That fake website?
LUCIANA
No, just some page with the small print que los idiotas no ven.
Luciana shrugs and joins the crowd. She makes a beeline for Nia and engages her in conversation at once.
SYLVIE
What’s she done now?
FRANCIS
A small win in her endless battle for the farm. Small print that idiots don’t read.
SYLVIE
And betting that not even Darrogh will kick them out.
HAROLD
Not yet anyway.
A burst of laughter, like birds taking flight, from the now fully co-mingled crowd.
BILL SITTING AT THE FAR END THE BAR, APART FROM THE CROWD
He takes out his phone and snaps a picture of the group before slipping out the back door.
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Hey Kate!
What I loved about your scene!
1. I love the mix of characters. You weren’t kidding in your preface. There’s a lot of ‘em. But you’ve helped give a number of them a strong enough voice to where they stand out and are easy to recognize from the dialogue alone, without having to remember each unique name.
2. I also see you’re using that trick to take us around the room. It’s super helpful and keeps the scene moving at a solid, rapid pace.
3. I like how a lot of people and the bar are introduced, particularly the description of the bar as “familiar.” Tells me everything I need to know about the bar in one word.
What I would love to see more of…
4. More variety of verbs and nouns, while eliminating adverbs and adjectives where possible is a good rule of thumb to follow. More than that though is Luciana’s introduction has the potential to be really badass in that mythic sense. The “untamed black mane” and the Xolo dog named after the Greek god of the Dead and the Underworld is amazing. If I’m not mistaken, we’ve already been introduced to who Luciana is earlier in the script, making the “5’3 s-curve of a woman, with 50 years of hard-scrabble life” redundant. You could probably get away with cutting the visual description that doesn’t contribute to or takes away from the entrance of an otherworldly woman, the kind of woman who you’d more likely find in the Odyssey or another legend than in a small rural town.
Thanks again and best regards!
Cam
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Thank you Cam
yes she was in the first scene. I just didn’t know if anyone had seen that.
good note re verbs and nouns
glad all the people didnt overwhlem. These are many of the people we then meet throughout the story.
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Day 10: – Writing with Boldness – Anita’s PAGE TURNER!
I am posting a little late, but I welcome an exchange of critiques from any / all interested in doing so! Thanks!
What I learned: All the small details matter! The reminder to use economy of words is a good one for me.
Character Name: DANICA (Dani) BRAHMS
Traits: Success-oriented, Driven, Self-sufficient / Independent
Subtext: Secretive / Evasive, In denial
Character Logline: Danica is an ambitious lawyer whose career and very life is put in jeopardy by an unwanted pregnancy with her married boss.
Character Name: Harley
Traits: Dominating, Self-confident, Willful, Bad-tempered
Subtext: Evil / Immoral, no moral center or self-restraint
Character Logline: Harley is a brilliant but psychologically twisted young woman with abandonment issues who kills her biological father Cyrus, allowing his kidney to become the life-saving transplant her mother needs.
NOTE: This scene is the final one of my screenplay. It is where all the threads need to come together. Importantly, I have changed the daughter’s name from Dianna to Harley The reason, stated earlier by Dianna, is in honor of her father. We learn along the way this was his nickname, and also how Dianna’s parents died, i.e. – in a motorcycle accident.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DUSK
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene – especially in the gloomy dusk.
A TV news anchor is nattering in the background.
Wincing in pain, Danica hobbles out of bed dragging her I.V. pole with her as she limps to a mirror.
Gingerly lifting her hospital gown she discovers a large bandage over lower right abdomen. She warily peels back the white gauze to reveal a long red angry trail of stitches.
Danica’s nothing but confused.
Just then – Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
Danica sways, wonders what kind of drugs she’s on. She turns back to her mirrored image – then to Harley – yep, there’s two of them in the room.
Harley nonchalantly picks up the TV remote and raises the volume.
TV ANCHOR
.. the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus Kilner at his home early this morning. Police say their only lead is a silver sedan seen driving on the street. If anyone has more information –
Harley switches the report off. She turns to her mother, a sublime grin on her face.
HARLEY
Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he was signed up as an organ donor.
Danica’s knees give out and she slides into a chair like jello.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe he should have been called Ford.
Danica goes from pale to ashen, eyes wide on the stranger before her.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
What, too soon?
Harley rings out a strange bright laugh at her own twisted joke.
FADE TO BLACK.
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Dana’s Critique of Anita’s Scene
Hi, Anita
I went through the Boldness Skill Mastery list in reviewing the scene. I think you employed the skills very well, especially in these moments:
Anticipatory Dialogue –
1) Create reputation for villain – Harley’s snide remark about the villain being an organ donor creates a posthumous reputation.
2) Strange silence – Danica is silent when she realizes Harley is her daughter, adding to tension.
Suspense –
1) Impending crisis – The TV anchor describes the suspect’s car (I presume the car belongs to either Harley or Danica). This creates the possibility of a crisis, though we’re left hanging by the end of the script.
2) Opportunity is presented – Harley becoming Danica’s daughter
3) Someone they love – Harley is Danica’s daughter
4) Inaction because of fear – Danica is speechless in her realization
Hooks –
1) Deeper understanding of known info – Danica understanding Harley is her daughter.
2) Reversal if known info – I presume Danica knew Harley earlier in the story, but she did not know they were mother and daughter.
Uncertainty – (Hope/Fear)
Does Danica hope Harley is her daughter? If so, is becoming ashen when looking at “the stranger before her” the fear?
Vivid Visual and Emotional Description
The description of Danica waking up in the hospital and peeling back the bandage revealing the “red angry trail of stitches was very good. I could see that clearly.
The “Nothing but confused” line is a little awkward. I’d simply say she’s confused or describe an emotion to convey her confusion. “What the hell?”
And “Just then – Harley walks in” might be better said “Harley walks in…” It’s more of a surprise.
You describe Harley’s flippant attitude and creepy laugh well, too. I could see her without a care in the world. Her organ donor remake instills complete indifference toward the villain, and a bit of a sadistic nature.
Overall, it was a fun read. My only comment would be to expand on Danica’s realization that Harley is her daughter. It’s good, but it may happen a little fast. I’m not sure if her realization is a good thing or a bad thing. If it’s a good thing, I suggest a little more joy. But if it’s a bad thing, maybe a little more fear.
Congratulations. It was a good final scene.
Dana
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Great feedback Dana, thanks.
It’s so useful having someone else’s eyes on what I am so steeped in already.
The fact that Danica is stunned speechless when confronted with the reality of her daughter does take away a key element for me to play with (i.e. Danica’s verbal reaction) – but as a lawyer, she isn’t usually at a loss for words (ha!) and it felt right to me.
I am glad to hear that Harley comes across as heartless as she is the ultimate (negative) product of her 2 flawed parents.
The audience has heretofore been privy to so much more info than Danica. We know it is Harley’s car that kills her biological father. And Harley, working at a genetic DNA lab had access to knowing about Danica and Cyrus; while Danica had not met Harley prior to that moment… only cat and mouse games via email that Harley controlled.
Hopefully, once the script is finished I can finesse all of that within the story prior to this scene.
Ironically I chose the last scene of the film, and yet it was a ‘Page Turner’ assignment. 🙂
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Hi Anita,
Dana did a very thorough review of your piece. I don’t know how much I can add. I think the scene works. It’s eerie.
Boldness criteria:
Starting with eyes blink open- it would’ve helped me to read “Dani’s eyes” although the previous scene probably takes care of that. Eyes blink implies energy.
Are the lids heavy? stuck together? Does she wake with panic? of “where am I? ” Of nausea?
A lightening bolt of pain? (I think that the emotional descriptions can be heightened)
As I read it, your overall dynamic is:
stunned, on fire, and weak Dani,
contrasted with bland and hazy room,
contrasted with vibrant alive daughter.
It’s a great mix. Three strong elements that you can sharpen to repel each other.
I think you can allow yourself to push the descriptions to be more emotional, as that is what this scene is- emotional and personal.
For example, how does it feel to stand on those legs?
I love “the nattering newsperson” It’s a clear and absolutely identifiable experience of anyone who’s visited a hospital. I wasn’t sure that Dani hadn’t actually met her daughter, or if her confusion was from coming of surgery- but obviously the story previously told makes it clear.
Exaggeration, metaphor and comparison seem to be something to write into your next pass although the ford line is there.
Hope fear is there- I think that the hope part of the surgery can be amplified and it will intensify the horror of discovering whose liver she got at the end.
I know that the daughter’s name is Harley, but I don’t understand the Ford joke. That too, is probably previously set up.
Based on this scene, I’d say that the genre is thriller.
Somehow, I want more for this scene- more depth- but I think it’s a chiller and well thought out. congratulations! I’m nowhere near writing the end of my script. June
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June Fortunato’s Page Turner! day 10 of Boldness. for Retirement
What I learned: The exercises help. I have much to do to revise what I’ve written so far. I’m writing my screenplay in chronological order. Posted below are pages 46 to 51. I posted some of it for an earlier assignment, but updated it for this one- being freer with comparisons, exaggeration and stating emotions. I’ve laid groundwork for future scenes. Thanks for having a look.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – GYM ENTRANCE – AFTERNOON – CONTINUOUS
Playacting “normal” and a little bit dotty, Kim glides to the front desk with Marilyn’s gym pass. As she hands it to the young attendant.
KIM The traffic today! You’d think there was an Eagles game.
The front desk person – one vibrant muscle of a girl, smiles.
FRONT DESK I dunno. I walk everywhere. It warms me up for my workout.
KIM You’re a smart cookie!
This pleases the girl. She slides the pass through a machine and it beeps. Something’s awry. She tries again. Another beep.
KIM That stupid pass. I think it’s bent. (Confidentially) I accidentally sat on it at Fogo de’Chao’s last week.
She laughs.
Oh well! That heifer was worth it.
FRONT DESK Yum. I’ve never been.
KIM I’ll treat you sometime.
FRONT DESK Wow. Cool.
KIM Do you think you can issue me a replacement?
FRONT DESK Sure. No problem. I’ll get right on that.
She returns the pass to Kim.
FRONT DESK Have a great work out.
KIM You know I will.
Oh yeah! She did it again! Kim does a little hop-skip as she gets to the lockers. She peels off her clothes to reveal her lovely bathing suit. Kim heads for the pool. A woman barracuda drags the reluctant front desk girl to find Kim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Excuse me.
Kim turns. Shoot! Caught. Quick snapback.
KIM Oh, you have my new pass already!
Refers to the sheepish girl.
KIM She’s a gem.
SUPERVISOR GYM No. No. Unfortunately, your account is suspended.
KIM That’s not possible.
SUPERVISOR GYM “Suspension due to medical leave.”
Kim’s surprised and quickly recovers.
KIM Oh that. I had a little mishap. As you can see, I’m excellent now.
SUPERVISOR GYM Perfect. I’m glad to hear it Ms. Carter. But I’m afraid you’ll have to go to the office. Second floor. They’ll be happy to straighten this out for you.
KIM You bet. I’ll go right after my swim.
SUPERVISOR GYM Unfortunately, we need to have this resolved before you can work out today. I’m sorry.
Standing behind her supervisor, the young girl gestures an embarrassed apology.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT – ROY’S – CONTINUOUS
Moving like a wounded rabbit, “Old-Mode” Roy beats back his fears, lifts a backpack and is almost out the door. If he was Kim, he’d chant: “I’m OK, I’m strong. I am good.”
Tara enters.
TARA Caught you! You can’t escape without saying goodbye!
ROY Tara O’hara, you snoop.
TARA New clothes! You look good!
ROY Don’t compliment me. I’ll think you want something. Besides, they’re rubbing like sandpaper on an eyeball.
Tara laughs.
TARA
I’m going to miss your wiseassedness. Roy, be careful with that wound. Keep it clean.
He studies her. Then Roy makes for the door.
TARA Wait! You have to wait for the wheelchair.
ROY For my soldier’s parade! Everybody waves and then “off you go” Dumped at the door. “See YA!”
He tries to get past her again. Pause.
ROY It appears that you are impeding my future.
TARA I brought you some things. Look. TWO turkey sandwiches (whispers) with cranberries. And bugles… and
Suzy enters.
SUZY The villagers are already whining. Who’s gonna change Oma’s channel? Did you show him?
TARA Nope. I was waiting for you.
SUZY Everyone on the floor pitched in.
She flashes a fan of five and ten dollar bills.
SUZY 153 dollars.
Hands it to him.
And here’s another 50.
She takes it from her pocket.
TARA I got cha too.
Tara gives him another 40 and two tiny bottles of Jim Beam. Pause.
SUZY Should I ask? Where’re you staying tonight?
Pause. Suzy beats back the guilt and Tara watches Suzy’s face.
TARA I hate goodbyes so… DO NOT! Come back broken Roy Dent!
Tara leaves. Suzy and Roy look at each other.
SUZY Before you go, you have to meet someone.
ROY Life awaits.
Attendant Tim appears with a wheelchair.
SUZY Take a few minutes. It could change your life.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE
Kim glides like a ghost through the halls checking for unlocked doors. A cleaning cart holds the door to a suite open. Kim watches and pretends to look at her phone. Inside, two ladies zoom through a cleaning.
LADY 1 One dollar!
LADY 2 What?
Lady 1 shows a one dollar tip.
LADY 1 A whole week. I hate weddings.
LADY 2 Damn mess. At least it’s Monday. Nothing in here for at least a week.
LADY 1 One dollar. One dollar.
They finish. Lady 2 goes to the next room and opens the door. Kim stands close to the cart and turns her back. As Lady 1 pushes the cart out, Kim snags the door and sneaks in.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE
Wow!
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT
Roy follows Suzy and Tim follows both of them with an empty wheelchair.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – OSTEO UNIT- MARILYN’S ROOM
Marilyn looks like a toddler in “time out.”
SUZY Hi Marilyn.
Suzy gets busy with straightening linens.
SUZY This is Roy.
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Hi June,
Want to exchange feedback?
-Anita
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Sure. (I also posted late.) cheers, June
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Good morning,
Anita, I know I am a few days late to the party. Would you like to exchange feedback?
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Hi Michael,
Sure. I am tied up for about another hour, and I have somewhat revised my scene based on Dana and June’s notes… so will post a V.2. Please read and critique that version. And then I’ll have time time to read your post too.
Thanks!
Anita
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Hi June!
Love the way you write your characters.
Question – does this pool scene replace the one where she was swimming and some random guy hit on her?
You certainly imply consequences with Kim; and imply hopelessness with Roy. And Roy is presented with an opportunity at just the right moment to have us anticipating what his next move will be. To me, both characters scream “uncertainty” and so you tick the boxes for suspense with hooks.
I also really like the way you describe the supporting characters: “one vibrant muscle of a girl” and “a woman barracuda”. Even the two hotel maids kvetching over bad tips is so relatable.
There were 2 lines though that slowed me down in my read.
1) When Kim mentions “Fogo de Chaio’s”, my brain was wondering if this is a swank restaurant I should know, and then the following line “that heifer was worth it” felt like an inside joke I wasn’t in on. Maybe just a straight, “those calories were worth it”? I know you’re writing Kim as a bit goofy, but – just saying that turn of phrase felt odd so it was one place I tripped.
2) Suzy says “the villagers are already whining”…. I assume there are several places before this that show Roy as an integral part of the hospital ward, and this refers to them knowing he’s leaving, and they are sad about it? See, if you have to explain it to me, you loose me (unless of course you set this line up previously)
Those are my only 2 observations. Again, I think you do an excellent job of capturing your characters on paper. Thanks for the read!
And thanks for your critique of my scene. A couple of points really rang some bells for me. Time for another version!
Best,
Anita
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Hi Anita, thank you! for the close read and encouragement. I decided that I’ll cut the top part of that scene in the gym- so that Kim’s in the hall when the barracuda and sheepish desk attendant find her. I read what I have so far and feel I need to start editing as my romance is taking too long to develop. And you’re right- I shouldn’t be using exclusive restaurants without explaining them (Fugo is THE MOST EGREGIOUSLY expensive steak house in Philly but all the tourists are directed to go there) The swim scene- this is her second visit and how she ends up wandering the halls of the Bellevue. She and Roy will find each other again there. yes and good note about the ‘villagers’ as in – yes Roy schmoozes with everyone so why hasn’t he met Marilyn?
thanks for the great exchange. June
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PS81 – Dana’s Page Turner
What I learned from this assignment:
I tried to implement everything from the Boldness Skill Mastery Sheet in the shortest scene in my script. I’m actually running out of scene to write.
The scene takes place after Ryan, the psychopathic alter, has informed Ellen that he has kidnapped her husband and daughters and intends to kill one every hour on the hour. Detective Sorensen in initiating the investigation.
Character Name: Detective Sorenson
Traits: confident, controlling, cynical/sarcastic, compassionate
Subtext: Clandestine, diplomatic
Character Logline: Det Sorenson is assigned to the investigation and must strengthen Ellen to keep her engaged with the suspect to save her family.
Possible Areas of Subtext: Sorenson conducts the investigation outside of Ellen’s purview to shield her; he encourages Ellen to engage her patient even after he kills her husband.
SCENE:
INT. COMMON AREA – CONTINUOUS
Sorensen bursts from the control booth on his phone.
SORENSEN
Phil? You get that?
PHIL (O.S.)
I heard. Jesus.
SORENSEN
He’s using the husband’s phone. If we’re lucky, he’s stupid, and we can track the GPS.
PHIL (O.S.)
You want a negotiator?
SORENSEN
No time. We got forty-five minutes before he kills his first hostage. The doc can handle the negotiations from here. I’ll have her stall. Get SWAT ready. Tell them full breach.
PHIL (O.S.)
We’re on it. And Jack?
SORENSEN
Yeah?
PHIL (O.S.)
Good luck.
SORENSEN
I’ll send you what I’ve got.
INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD ROOM – SAME
Phil thunders from his office, a bull in the ring, commanding the moment.
PHIL
Okay. Listen up! LISTENS UP!
The room goes quiet. A pin can drop.
PHIL (CONT’D)
We have a hostage situation playing out in real time on local radio. A suspect has grabbed father and two daughters and intends to kill one every hour on the hour for the fun of it. Sorensen is at the station and will coordinator from there.
(beat)
I want command set up in five with direct lines to KCSF. Put CRT and SWAT on standby, and liaison with FBI. The suspect is using one of the hostages’ cell phones. Have tech triangulate the number and call the carrier. GPS might be in play.
(beat)
The suspect’s name is Jason Petrie. I want a picture. DMV. Military. High school yearbook. I don’t give a damn. APB to all agencies. He’s a psych patient at St. Francis. Find his doctor and get him in here. I don’t care is he’s in the middle of a fucking prostrate exam. I want to know everything about this mutt.
(a weighty breath)
This is all hands-on deck. We’ve got forty minutes before this son-of-a-bitch starts killing, and somebody somewhere knows where he is. Let’s move!
The detectives grab phones and dial, exchanging dire looks — do you believe this shit?
UPDATED:
INT. COMMON AREA – CONTINUOUS
Sorensen bursts from the control booth. His nothing case has just become the only case!
SORENSEN
(on his phone)
Phil? You get that?
PHIL (O.S.)
I heard. Jesus.
SORENSEN
He’s using the husband’s phone. If we’re lucky, he’s stupid, and we can track the GPS.
PHIL (O.S.)
You want a negotiator?
SORENSEN
No time. We got forty-five minutes before he kills his first hostage. The doc can handle the negotiations from here. I’ll have her stall. Get SWAT ready. Tell them full breach.
PHIL (O.S.)
We’re on it. And Jack?
SORENSEN
Yeah?
PHIL (O.S.)
Good luck.
SORENSEN
I’ll send you what I’ve got.
INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD ROOM – SAME
Phil thunders from his office, a bull in the ring, commanding the moment.
PHIL
Okay. Listen up! LISTENS UP!
The room goes quiet. A pin can drop.
PHIL (CONT’D)
We have a hostage situation playing out in real time on local radio. A suspect has grabbed father and two daughters and intends to kill one every hour on the hour for the fun of it. Sorensen is at the station and will coordinator from there.
Rivers and Thurgood exchange dire looks across their desks – holy shit! And their friend’s in the middle of it.
PHIL (CONT’D)
I want command set up in five with direct lines to KCSF. Put CRT and SWAT on standby, and liaison with FBI. The suspect is using one of the hostages’ cell phones. Have tech triangulate the number, and call the carrier. GPS might be in play.
Detectives grab phones the dial.
PHIL (CONT’D)
The suspect’s name is Jason Petrie. I want a picture. DMV. Military. High school yearbook. I don’t give a damn. APB to all agencies. He’s a psych patient at St. Francis. Find his doctor and get him in here. I don’t care is he’s in the middle of a fucking prostrate exam. I want to know everything about this mutt.
(beat)
And hey. Hey!
Everybody freezes —
PHIL (CONT’D)
This is all hands on deck. We’ve got forty minutes before this son-of-a-bitch starts killing, and somebody somewhere knows where he is. Now move!
The squad room explodes with action.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Dana Abbott.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Dana Abbott.
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Hi Dana,
Want to exchange feedback?
-Anita
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Hi, Anita
Love to.
Should I read version 1 or an updated version?
Dana
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Great. I only have the one version posted… right above June’s.
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Feedback for Dana from Anita:
Wow! You definitely hit the urgent stride the scene calls for. It feels intense and it feels real. A really good scene to employ the skills from this module. Anticipation, uncertainty, hooks, suspense, and emotion – check, check and check.
I think the only piece I could use more of as a reader is describing the physical location (or Vivid Visual Description) where Phil is. Of course, you may already have done so previously… what kind of a precinct is this? Urban? Small town? How large a force is he barking orders to, etc. Do the people listening to Phil’s orders have a reaction? Shock? Efficiency? Fear? Do they drop everything else… is the team a well-oiled machine or is it chaotic in there?, etc.
Totally minor point… I saw a typo but now this response box is covering it and I forget what it was (Ha!) I think it was “location / locations” (?)
Anyway – job well done, you have me turning the page.
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Anita
Thank you for helping. It’s SFPD. And you’re right. I needed to describe the action in the room as Phil barks orders, which I’ve done. It gives the scene more urgency. I’m going to reread the scene once more and then post again.
Thanks again,
Dana
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Thanks Kate!
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Thanks for your comments, Lisa! Lincoln isn’t “exactly” in Clay’s body but you’re close! It all gets revealed… and I still figuring it out!
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Hey Cameron!
I read both versions. Are you taking the other stuff out altogether or just for this read? Because I would def leave the other stuff with Isiah in there. It was very impactful and made it an interesting read.
The stuff with Isiah is great and gives a strong internal and external conflict.
I like Sully as a doctor this time around.
The dialogue and descriptions are well done.
There are 2 areas of description I would look at:
1) There’s a place where you use the same term (“handful of”) twice back to back. It might be better to change one to something else to vary it up.
The lines are:
A handful sterile rooms in an open concept area – a beacon of minimalism.
And the handful of medical staff on autopilot.
2) I think the description of Sully may be too long and too non-visual.
A third doctor, SULLY, comes out of nowhere.
He’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years, maintaining a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.
I think the lesson said to limit non-visuals to a certain degree. It can also just be cut down in general.
For example:
In walks SULLY, a man-child who loves fixing things more than sex. (then let his actions show what kind of father he is) or…
In walks Sully, a man-child whose obsession with fixing things led to a divorce and life as a single father.
You get the idea…
Overall, great job! I love where you’re taking the story!
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Thanks Matthew!
Don’t know how I missed that repeat of “handful.” Found that rewriting backwards helps me to find those more consistently. I’ll have to be sure and do that each time I revise.
Still keeping the other half of that initial post. Just took it out for the V.2 because it felt unfair of me to take up half a page for feedback, and it’ll be part of the first 10 pages, which is coming later.
Thanks again!
Cam
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Day 10 – Applying Boldness To Your Script – Assignment
Mike O – Page Turner
What I learned is that all the processes: dialogue, character, etc., work in synergy. With each incremental improvement, the script as a whole becomes more polished, more professional. Kaisan in action.
ASSIGNMENT 1
Please fill out the Evaluation Form and send it back to me. I use these to get feedback on how the class went for you so I can keep improving it and to find quotes for promoting the program. If you don’t want any quotes used, you can say no to the question that asks your permission to use your comments.
The Evaluation Form is the next email you’ll receive. Just fill it out and send it back to me at mailto:hal@ScreenwritingU.com
ASSIGNMENT 2
Using the WRITING WITH BOLDNESS SKILL SHEET, write a scene incorporating most of the skills we’ve worked with so far. List your characters and their traits above the scene so you can reference them as you write it.
ASSIGNMENT 3
Please critique another member’s scene and post it. I believe this is a very important part of the learning process. By applying the Skill Mastery Sheet skills to their work, you are forced to step out of the content of your own story and actually work with the skills in a new way.
Please put the person’s first name in the subject line so we know whose scene it is.
Example: Subject: Critique for Dave’s scene.
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INT. KITCHEN – MORNING
Feverish, feeling sick, Tarek ignores the stabbing pain. He continues writing out their grocery list.
TYLER “Dad, don’t forget the chocolate chips so we can make cookies.”
TAREK (nods) “I won’t.”
Tarek returns to his grocery list when it hits. Pain so intense it takes his breath. Doubled over and clutching his abdomen, he stagger-steps towards the couch in the living room.
Tyler runs up to his dad and tries to help him.
TAREK “Go get your brother, son. (off his hesitation) Now!”
Tyler lets go of his father’s leg and runs to the bedroom.
CLOSE ON SWEAT dripping off Tarek’s forehead. ECU on a DROPLET and as it falls to the floor…
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BROOKLYN’S STUDIO – CONTINUOUSWater DRIPS off the end of Brooklyn’s sable brush as she dilutes one of the paints on her palette. She mixes the watercolor imagining and muttering:
BROOKLYN “Focus, it’s growth, decay and rebirth!”
After a dozen bold brush strokes, she takes a step back. In the zone, Brooklyn sees what will be on the canvas before her.
BROOKLYN (epiphany) “Each builds on and depends upon the other. That’s it! Dependence is the link, the thread linking the murals!”
On a roll, Brooklyn returns to the canvas, GRABS a pencil from the tray and begins SKETCHING.
INSERT – CANVAS
We SEE the statue of a larger-than-life man on a raised pedestal. At the floor, dried leaves and vegetation growing up through the marble flooring. Tip of Brooklyn’s pencil DRAWING the same statue only it is lying in a fetal position on the floor…
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN FLOOR – CONTINUOUS
TAREK
Curled up on the floor. Pale, sweating profusely, he shoves a hand in his pants pocket, retrieves the cell phone — dials Brooklyn’s number — phone falling out of his hands.
TAREK (at a shout) “Brandon!”
The rapid, pitter-patter sound of footsteps approaching.
CUT TO:
INT. BROOKLYN’S STUDIO – MOMENTS LATER
Brooklyn painting with fervor, stops and smiles. She sets aside her brush and reaches for the phone having given Tarek his own ring tone.
Jingle Bells continues to CHIME.
BROOKLYN “Morning (listens) “Is he conscious — is he awake? Good, I’ll be right there!”
CUT TO:
EXT. BROOKLYN’S RESIDENCE – LATER
Brooklyn whips in beside the ambulance, sets the emergency brake and jumps out as they are wheeling Tarek out on a gurney.
Brandon and Tyler trail behind the EMT’s. With the boys, a uniformed police officer.
Brooklyn runs over to the gurney. Tarek’s grimace of pain subsides the moment they make eye contact.
TAREK “I’m sorry, sorry for everything. (beat – winces) Please, look after my boys, if I…”
BROOKLYN “Don’t go there. You’ll be just fine. (with conviction) Listen, Christmas is three days away and we are spending it together at the cabin, mister.”
TAREK (grateful smile) “Brook, I want you to know, I love you.”
BROOKLYN (fighting tears) “Love you back.”
She squeezes his hand, turns to an EMT and asks,
BROOKLYN “What hospital you taking him to?”
EMT LIFTS the gurney, slides Tarek in, closes the door, then points to the name on the ambulance door.
INSERT – SIGNAGE
Holy Cross Hospital.
FADE TO WHITE:
END OF ACT TWO
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Hi Michael,
I enjoyed the read. I haven’t read any of your other scenes prior to this, so not sure of all the relationship dynamics, but can certainly infer them from this one scene, which indicates to me you have done a good job of establishing your characters up until now. It’s also a great one for the assignment!
You certainly imply consequences; you create suspense and uncertainty (What will happen to Tarek!?); I find it has emotional punch; and the biggest hook for me is Brooklyn’s painting and the images being evoked.
One places that might beef up the emotional tone would be to let us in on Tyler’s reaction. He’s obviously upset to see his dad in pain… does he cry? does he run from the room?
When Brandon comes running you write the phrase, “the pitter-patter sound of footsteps”. That phrase connotes a young child walking cutely. Perhaps just say – the patter of… OR – the rapid sound.
Two very very small things would be: 1) to delete the sentence “sets the emergency brake”. It’s unnecessary and slows the action down – literally we put the brake on mentally there. 2) When Brooklyn is on the phone, don’t have her say “Good”. That takes away our suspense if he’s ok… let the reader continue to wonder until we see Tarek for ourselves.
I have a few technical notes. They come from having my own work analyzed over the years. The first is to not put in any transitionals – that is, leave out all the “CUT TO”. Unless it is essential for the effect or pacing like: SMASH CUT TO: Which brings me to the following bit –
CLOSE ON SWEAT dripping off Tarek’s forehead. ECU on a DROPLET and as it falls to the floor…
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BROOKLYN’S STUDIO – CONTINUOUSWater DRIPS off the end of Brooklyn’s sable brush as she dilutes one of the paints on her palette.
– I get why you wrote it this way. But perhaps just writing, “sweat drips off Tarek’s forehead”. would suffice. Otherwise, transitions aren’t needed and only slow the reader down. That said, if this was a shooting script, or you were the Director, those notes are fine. Otherwise, selling a spec script means the producers and director need the creative space to interpret your scenes, and they don’t want to be told how to do it or where to place the camera, etc.
Last note is – you do not want to put quotes around your dialogue. If this were a novel, that’s obviously needed. But the structure of a screenplay means dialogue is always written under the character’s name leaving no doubt those are the words to be spoken.
I hope you find this feedback helpful. You definitely hooked me into wanting to read more of your script! And it appears you have been playing “catch up” with the class, and writing at a speedy pace – so kudos to you for the effort, and for getting caught up!
Best,
Anita
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Anita’s Writing With Boldness – V.2
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DUSK
Eyes groggily open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene – especially through the gloomy dusk and hazy lens of post-op drugs.
A TV news anchor is nattering in the background.
Wincing in pain, Danica hobbles out of bed and with weak and wobbly arms drags her I.V. pole and limps to a mirror.
Gingerly lifting her hospital gown she discovers a large bandage over her lower right abdomen. She warily peels back the white gauze to reveal a long red angry trail of stitches.
Danica’s deeply confused. Is this the kidney transplant she was praying for?
Harley walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy.
Danica is stunned silent. This is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters.
Danica sways, wonders what kind of drugs she’s on. She turns back to her mirrored image – then to Harley – yep, there’s really two of them in the room.
Harley nonchalantly picks up the TV remote and raises the volume.
TV ANCHOR
.. the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus Kilner at his home early this morning. Police say their only lead is a silver sedan seen driving on the street. If anyone has more information –
Harley clicks the report off.
She turns to her mother, a sublime grin on her face.
HARLEY
Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he was signed up as an organ donor.
Danica’s knees give out and she slides into a chair like jello.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
Maybe his nickname should have been Ford – you know, like Grandpa Edgar was called Harley.
Danica goes from pale to ashen, eyes wide on the stranger before her.
HARLEY (CONT’D)
What? Too soon?
Harley rings out a strange bright laugh at her own twisted joke.
FADE TO BLACK.
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Antonio Flores’ Page Turner!
What I learned doing this
Good practice brings improvement. I did not receive the skill sheet, so I designed my own. That makes the outcome more meaningful. I saw the scene improve beat by beat.
CHARACTER 1: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who needs to become a fighter in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.
Traits: highly principled, perfectionist, extremely emotional… when nobody is looking, fearful / withdrawn, traumatized
Subtext: traumatized
SCL: Parisa suffers from anxiety caused by having seen her sister die. She often relives this moment. In secret, Parisa lives tormented by the idea that her sister felt neglected by parents and committed suicide. Picture frame: Mom and Dad’s masterpiece.
CHARACTER 2: Sandy Estrella is Parisa’s bosom friend.
Basic character traits: Adventurous, impulsive, greedy, unpredictable
Subtext: unpredictable
SCL: Sandy envies Parisa for having the opportunity to fight in the cage — although Parisa’s uncle strategy sounds crazy to her, she “what the heck!” encourages Parisa to guinea-pig the plan, so she could eventually use it as well.
THE END OF THE TRANSFORMATION
In the tournament final, Parisa fights Shanaz, the Ruler’s Favorite, on top of a high scaffold. She first envisions pressing the treadmill UP buttons and going for HIGH levels all her life. But then she falls off the scaffold along with Sharnaz.
INT. SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY
LITTLE AMY
…watches Parisa falling.
===================
NOTE: CAUSING ANTICIPATION THROUGH ACTION AND UNCERTAINTY (FEAR)
===================
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT
Badahur climbs down from his wheelchair. With his last ounce of strength, he frantically crawls towards Parisa and cuddles her lifeless body in his arms.
The Man in a Tunic approaches them. He is flanked with half a dozen guards. He throws a jewel box with the antidote towards Bahadur.
Badahur rocks back and forth with Parisa in his arms. Tries to ignore it, but then enraged, he kicks the antidote away. He continues the rocking motion as to keep his emotions grounded.
===================
NOTE: SUSPENSE — IMPENDING CRISIS
===================
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT
A LOUD PFFT SOUND…
Air escapes. Makes everyone look upward.
THE DOME TOP…
…gets cut open. The blinding light and heat of the desert sun invades the arena.
THE DOME CANVAS…
…gradually slips off the supporting frame.
A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS fly into the area.
Pilots wear goggles and multi-vision cameras on their helmets. They throw gas <font face=”Helvetica Neue”>grenades.</font>
The Ruler and his men are taken aback. They run for shelter.
===================
NOTE: UNCERTAINTY (HOPE)
===================
INT. SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY
A black box type of environment like the one where the tournament takes place. The area is empty. There is no octagon. People and things appear and disappear randomly.
LITTLE AMY
… stands in the middle, her eyes locked on a high place.
Parisa dressed in her Greek goddess costume approaches her from behind, turns her around and cuddles her in her arms.
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NOTE: UNCERTAINTY (FEAR)
===================
PARISA
Don’t look. Come over here, Amy. Don’t look.
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NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — SHIELDING FROM CONSEQUENCES
===================
Parisa takes Little Amy by the hand and walks with her.
PARISA (CONT’D)
I want you to see mom. She has something to show you.
Mom is sleeping on a couch a few steps away from them. She is in the same position Parisa last saw her in the foster home. Her arms cuddle Parisa’s twin picture frame.
Parisa holds her own twin picture frame. It is the picture frame from her home in Paris with the tape partially covering the phrase: “Mom and dad’s…”
PARISA (CONT’D)
Look. This is my picture, right?
Little Amy nods.
PARISA (CONT’D)
Now, do you see what mom has in her hands?
Little Amy’s curios eyes stretch to see what Parisa points at.
PARISA (CONT’D)
That is your picture.
Little Amy appears dumbfounded. Only the rear part of the frame is visible.
PARISA (CONT’D)
She never gave it to you, because she wanted to keep it. Do you understand what that means?
Little Amy lightens up, nods.
PARISA
Go. Check it out.
As Little Amy approaches, their mom wakes up. Smiles. Cuddles her. Shows her…
THE PICTURE
… where Little Amy appears exactly as we see her now.
EARLY-TEENS AMY stands up. She is now the girl who jumped off the building. She approaches Parisa and gently takes Parisa’s picture off her hands.
EARLY-TEENS AMY
I want to keep this picture with me if that’s OK. I mean, do you understand what that means?
Parisa can’t hold her tears. Nods. Amy fondly hugs her.
Their mom stands up. The three join in a strong embrace.
===================
NOTE: UNCERTAINTY (HOPE)
===================
As they move apart, Parisa is back in her fighting tracksuit, her hair undone, bruises appear on her face and a thread of blood streams down from top of her head.
===================
NOTE: UNCERTAINTY (FEAR)
===================
Amy and mom wave at her and walk away.
Parisa lays down on a massage table. Sandy approaches her and takes care of her injuries.
PARISA
How bad is it?
SANDY
(winces)
Uh, let’s see. Aw… molly-holly! Does it hurt, Bubbles?
Parisa nods in deep pain.
Sandy gets a well-supplied first-aid kit.
PARISA
It’s pretty bad, uh?
Sandy does not reply.
===================
NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — SILENCE IN A STRANGE PLACE
===================
PARISA (CONT’D)
Doctor, tell me the truth. Will I live long enough to be a fighter?
===================
NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — DIRECT INFERENCE
===================
Sandy patiently treats the wounds and bruises.
SANDY
Better, mmh, better hurry up, I’d say.
===================
NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — INDIRECT INFERENCE
===================
Sandy applies an ice pack to Parisa’s cheek.
SANDY
Uh, hold this ice pack for me, OK?
Sandy continues treating Parisa’s injuries.
PARISA
Thanks. (in pain) Aw-aw-waa…
SANDY
Sorry. I’ll be done in a minute, I promise.
PARISA
If I failed as a fighter but somehow survived, I’d volunteer as guinea pig for brain damage therapies.
SANDY
(giggles) Little Bubbles wanna be guinea piggy?
===================
NOTE: ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE — INDIRECT INFERENCE/HOPELESNESS
===================
The two giggle, except that giggling hurts Parisa.
PARISA
Aw-aw… Oh, my!
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT
===================
NOTE: SUSPENSE — TO SAVE SOMEONE
===================
Chaos. Gas. Sand. Noise. Total confusion.
Badahur calls the attention of the paramedics. He waves his arms and points at the lifeless woman in his arms.
He notices the French flag on their uniforms.
BADAHUR
Hey! Aidez – moi! Aidez – moi!
There is no reaction.
===================
NOTE: SUSPENSE — BARRIERS AND COMPLICATIONS
===================
Badahur begs, yells, and yells his heart out.
BADAHUR
Aidez – moi! Aidez – moi! Listen, listen to me! Aidez – moi! Aidez – moi!
The paramedics finally notice him. They set up stretchers for him and Parisa. Jet boards take them away.
THE ANTIDOTE
… is left behind.
===================
NOTE: CAUSING ANTICIPATION THROUGH ACTION
===================
INT. SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY
The light seems to dim down.
PARISA’S POV —
SANDY sinks in the shadows. BLURS.
SANDY
Thanks, Bubbles… for all and everything.
She turns around and walks in the same direction Amy and mom did.
BACK TO SUPERNATURAL MEET ENVIRONMENT
The top of the dome’s canvas gets ripped. Blinding light penetrates the space.
Angels, perhaps drones and jet boards, seem to fly in along with the light.
SANDY (O.S.)
And, uh, Bubbles? You know? You kinda suck as a fighter…
(beat)
…but you’re a heck of a warrior.
<font>Parisa breathes with difficulty.</font>
PARISA (V.O.)
Fighter… warrior? W-what’s the difference?
BACK TO BLACK
MASTER WANG (V.O.)
Of course there’s a difference! Warriors transcend. Never die.
MESTRE OLIVEIRA (V.O.)
Flow along with the spirit, menina…
PARISA (V.O.)
The spirit of the warrior—
MESTRE OLIVEIRA (V.O.)
Now, you must go back.
PARISA (V.O.)
Go back? W-where?
INT. AIR AMBULANCE — CONT
Military paramedics. Air ambulance crew commotion.
PARAMEDIC 1
She’s back!
A medical team treats Parisa. Someone closes the curtain to isolate the patient.
===================
NOTE: CAUSING ANTICIPATION — THE LEADING CHARACTER WENT BACK AND FORTH FROM HOPE TO DANGER AND BACK AGAIN
===================
On the adjacent berth, Badahur lays with sunken eyes, almost bald, his hair covers the pillow and roll towards the blankets. Standing next to his berth, a paramedic enters notes in a tablet.
===================
NOTE: SUSPENSE — COUNTDOWN
===================
Badahur signs him to approach and whispers something in his ear.
===================
NOTE: SUSPENSE — AN OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE HIS LIFE
===================
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
Abandoned in the middle of rumble and partially covered with sand at the extraction point
THE ANTIDOTE…
… not yet devoured by the sand storm.
Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot.
DISPATCHER (V.O.)
…palm size jewel box-like, iron gray color. Confirm, JB-seven
JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)
Negative, negative. The sand storm’s worsen. Minimum visibility. Repeat—
DISPATCHER (V.O.)
JET BOARD turbines might get clogged with sand. Abort search, JB-seven. Repeat: abort search.
JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)
Roger that. JB-seven new route set to air mother ship
===================
NOTE: SUSPENSE — BARRIERS AND COMPLICATIONS
===================
JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)
Estimated arrival in (beat) Wait! I see the dome.
DISPATCHER (V.O.)
JET BOARD turbines might get clogged. Your orders—
JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)
Acknowledged… palm size jewel box-like, iron gray color. I have a visual.
JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.
JET BOARD SEVEN PILOT (V.O.)
Package acquired. Repeat: package—
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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Hey, everyone,
Late comer open for feedback!
I will be writing (unsolicited) feedback as well, but if you let me know where to find your latest version, it would be helpful.
TIA,
Antonio
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 3 years ago by
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