-
Day 10 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments.
-
10 Replies
-
David’s Meaningful Action
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Using a Beat Sheet helped focus on the slow places or unemotional dialogue.I included some of the revised character descriptions from Lesson 8 here too.
1. This scene introduces Paul in the present situation with his mother, Janet, and dead father. It sets the tone for characters Paul, Janet, and Uncle Jack. I added the insert to suggest Janet may have a violent past.
11. INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY 7
[[His mother, JANET MOUTON, 40, enters and turns off the tape. She is worried at Paul’s inertia. Janet is good-looking but harried. Frugally well-dressed. She looks as if she wouldn’t say boo to a goose. She might be tough if she had to. She resents her dead husband but won’t admit it.]]
JANET
[[(excessive)
We all miss having him around. He was the most wonderful person in the world. He was always helping other people. There can never be another like him. He really cared for us. Don’t worry. We’ll get by.]]
[[JANET. You did enjoy going to those silly movies with him. The ones where the whole plot was making dum – dums so they can go all the way through a person and smash something to pieces in back of them.
PAUL. I thought they were stupid, but Dad enjoyed them.
JANET. They were stupid. You’d think all those high-paid writers would know the whole point of dum-dums or hollow points was to have its power used up completely inside a person. If a bullet went all the way through, it would be wasted energy. PAUL. How did you know that? JANET. Everyone knows that.]]
Dressed, Paul opens his window and pets a BLACK CAT. He leaves to see his Uncle Jack.
2. I wanted to make the Grand Inquisitor more vicious but simultaneously explain what made him and provide a little sympathy for him.
[[14. INT. CULTS DUNGEON, ABOUT 40 YEARS AGO – DAY 13
A dark, gloomy room that smells of misery and pain. An OLD INQUISITOR, evil beyond his years, is talking to a YOUNG BOY, the Grand Inquisitor, at eight-years-old. The Old Inquisitor is dressed in his Inquisitor robes and holds a leather strap. He walks around the boy, who is shirtless and seated on a stool. The Young Boy’s back is scarred with lash marks. He tries to suppress a whimper. He is fighting for self-control. He knows what will happen if he cries out.
OLD INQUISITOR Who were the first Inquisitors? YOUNG BOY Miguel de Morillo and Juan de San Martín, Your Eminence. OLD INQUISITOR Very good. What was the purpose of the Inquisition? YOUNG BOY To bring enlightenment to the world. To bring all to Heaven who accept our rule and destroy all others. OLD INQUISITOR (Shaking his strap) How is this purpose fulfilled? YOUNG BOY By obeying without question our glorious Grand Inquisitor. OLD INQUISITOR You are an apt pupil. You will go far in our holy crusade. Do you still have that puppy we gave you on your birthday? YOUNG BOY Oh yes. I love him. He’s my best friend. We’re never apart. OLD INQUISITOR Good. Next Sunday, I want you to bring the dog to our service and cut his throat in front of the congregation. YOUNG BOY (suppresses a whimper, hesitates) It will be done.]]
3. I needed to start the action and Inciting Incident earlier. So, I moved Paul’s beating in the library to page 15. Introduced the beating to introduce the map on page 19.
21. EXT/INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – NIGHT 19
[[Captain Jack and LENNY FELDER,37, rugged and tough, with a beer at his side, look intently at something on the chart table. Lenny is an engineering type. Happiest when tinkering or using machinery. Learned in the military and toughened there too. Liked to work all over the world for the adventure and pay but now getting tired of being unattached and uncommitted. A good friend.]]
Paul approaches from the dock. He hesitates and listens to their discussion before they notice him.
[[PAUL. But I had a problem tonight. Those Doucets beat the Hell out of me and asked for a map. Do you know anything about that?]]
I wouldn’t be here if I thought it was crazy, and I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t checked it out. Lenny walks out and checks the dock.
4. I introduced a second secret here. I made a code in the map that required Paul to try to sneak into the Cult’s house to get a secret symbol. This allowed me to add action when he tries to break in and to show his mother was a hit man for their family in the past when she rescues Paul.
26. INT. JACK’S BOAT AT DOCK – CONTINUOUS 24
JACK. They didn’t know a mess of those devil priests from the Canary Islands were sent to …
[[PAUL. What’s this mean? Paul points to the map. JACK. It translates as “By our scared sign this map will be true.” Just some swearing on their order’s faith. PAUL. It seems like a strange thing to write. Why wouldn’t it be true? He must have known he was being hunted. It sounds like a code. What is their sacred sign? LENNY. We hit all the books we could think of. I couldn’t find anything like that. It’s just a thing you put in a letter. PAUL. Anyway, this whole treasure thing is a joke even if the map is real, which it isn’t.]]
He buries the tube in the sand at the bottom of the terrarium.
5. Here is a suggestion that Janet was dangerous in the past.
34. INT. JACK’S HOUSE – NIGHT 34
Jack, Lenny, Paul, and JANET sit at a table. Thoughtful, quiet, playing with their coffee mugs.
LENNY I can’t think of a way. They’re always around.
[[JACK. Maybe we could have some explosions the way that happened about ten years ago. JANET. Shut up! We’re not going to have any explosions. Don’t you recall what happened? PAUL. What are you talking about? JACK. We had some problems with one of the families. It didn’t work out well for anybody.]]
One day, I looked at it, and all I saw was a big, hairy spider. You got to do the same, sometimes.
6. Paul goes to find the secret symbol.
56. INT. PAUL’S HOME KITCHEN – DAY 59
JANET. You keep going on these wild goose chases. You don’t know if that map is right or wrong. PAUL. I don’t know.
[[PAUL. We still haven’t gotten anywhere. Hasn’t anyone thought about that sacred symbol yet?
56A. EXT. CULT’S HOUSE BACK ALLEY – NIGHT
Pitch black, almost. One window at the top back of the house is lit with flickering candlelight. There is a board fence about eight-feet high around the back.
He eyes the fence and drags trash barrels and boxes from the alley so he can get over. He hasn’t thought too deeply about getting back. All around, everything is getting eerier and more frightening.
He climbs the fence and as soon as he gets his head over the top – A FACE FROM THE PITS OF HELL MAKING UNEARTHLY SHRIEKS FROM ITS FANG-FILLED MOUTH POPS UP JUST IN FRONT OF HIM. Paul yells and falls off the barrel, landing hard. Meanwhile, the horrible FACE morphs into an UGLY DOG.
The noise attracts movement in the window. The black-robed figure of the Inquisitor appears at the window and stares directly at Paul. Paul sees him, shudders, and picks himself up. Paul pulls his shirt out and feels the front and back. He tugs his shirt down to cover the top of his pants. He pissed and shat himself.
PAUL. Damn it! He limps away.
A dark-clothed figure slinks after Paul, following him down the alley.
Paul limps down the dark street. He hears footsteps. He turns. Nothing there. He keeps walking. A dark figure ducks from one doorway to the next. A knife gleams in his hand. Another sound. No one there. Paul approaches a cross street. The man with the knife lurks in the shadows. Paul gets closer and closer. The man crouches lower and lower. As Paul nears the street, there is a THUNK and a sound of something softly falling to the ground.
Paul passes the cross street. Hands come out of the darkness and grab Paul around the neck. Paul screams.
JANET. Shut up. I didn’t think you were so big an idiot. Do you think I was married to your father for seventeen years without knowing what was going on and not doing something? You just wait till I get you home, young man.]]
7. I needed the Grand Inquisitor to think he was going to Heaven, or he wouldn’t have jumped.
88. EXT. CULT’S BOAT AT SEA – DAY 78
Jake and Carlos still try to put out the fire.
[[Grand Inquisitor. (to Paul) How can a foolish youth destroy two hundred years of moral perfection? You will burn in Hell. (looking up) We tried but failed. I beg your forgiveness. I will soon be with you in Heaven. We can rule together. I demand to skip Purgatory.
He steps on the rail and leaps into the water. Sharks quickly gather. The Grand Inquisitor smiles beatifically, ecstatically that lasts till the first shark bite.]]
-
SU Lesson: 10
Karen Crider/ Pro Re-write/ The Search for Meaningful Writing…
What I learned: Now, I fully understand Robert Frost, who stated: I have miles to go before I sleep. From this assignment I learned the miles needed to value how action adds to depth and value to writing. I applied it in several places and it worked. I don’t know if I conformed to this assignment with every dot and tittle, but I have fun trying. Like ole’ Robert, I tend to go my own way. But the lesson drags me from my comfortable, static way of writing, and shows me there is more than one way to add to a story. That has value in itself. Thanks…
#1. Telling Action
Fierce dragons stalk the jungle, uprooting forest and fauna, on their way to invade a distracted kingdom.
#2. Showing/ more specific:
Fierce hordes of dragons, slash every living thing, as they race to invade King Zebulon’s distracted kingdom.
#1. Leggy sentence. Revise. Action present.
The hawk claws maul the mud. Its wings bat the puddle’s depth, splashing droplets of water skyward. It strikes once more. Prince Percy is hanging from the hawk’s beak, squalling.
#2. Imagistic, more concise:
The hawk’s talons strike Prince Percy. Strikes. Misses. Strikes again. The prince dangles from the hawk’s beak.
#1. Leggy. Too long a read: Dusty’s fists pommel the hawk sending showers of feathers flitting the wind. He lands a kick to its back side. The hawk’s stuns, trips–finds footing, and drags it heavy body across the grounds,to lift off.
#2. To the point: (I can hear the scream, see the hawk and watch it flail.)
Revised: Dusty screams. He kicks the flailing hawk as it stuns, crouches and trips, stumbling into lift-off.
EXT. LINCOLN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – DAY
#1. Verbose: Leggy: fatiguing.
#1. Most days, Dusty spends his time escaping from three goons who steal his lunch money. He runs behind the swings, when he thinks he hears them coming.
#2. CONCISE: READER FRIENDLY:
Crouching behind a tree, Dusty escapes the goons chasing him.
#1. Needs revision:
#1. Dusty glances at a lazy hawk overhead, scanning its territory, as Prince Percy flashes to the ground. Its body torpedoes at full speed toward Percy. At the last second, it pulls up.
#2. More apt: Dusty glances at a lazy hawk. Something flashes toward the ground. The hawk torpedoes it.
INT./EXT. NURSERY – NIGHT
#1, Verbose.
#1. A group of wizard’s crowds inside the nursery, squabbling about magic potions and spells to cast upon a deathly ill princess.
#2. (More precise.) Wizards crowd the nursery, squabbling over potions, to cast upon a dying princess.
INT. ROYAL NURSERY – DAY: Not definitive writing. Vague.
# 1.Nurse Phoebe enters invisibly. She takes one look at Princess Zenith and freaks. She places herself visibly next to a guard. She pretends to escape, when he apprehends her.
INT. ROYAL NURSERY – DAY: More diagnostic/ more motivational for the nurse. More descriptive.
Wizards crowd the nursery, squabbling over potions and spells to cast upon a dying princess.
#2. Nurse Phoebe sneaks in invisibly. Princess Zenith doesn’t move. Her flesh is scaly; her skin, dry; her cry faint. Nurse Phoebe gasps, and turns visible next to a sentry.
***
QUEEN SHOSHAN (snarling)
#1. (General statement:)) Mess up one time–I shall have your head!
#2. (Powerful statement:) Your life for the princess, if she dies.
EXT. BETHEL BAPTIST CHURCH – DAY
#1. Choppy: Dusty is in mourning. His wife, Eve, has died. A projector screen overhead replays a scene shows them picnicking with their family. His twins, Betsy and Billy are now absent from their mother’s funeral.
EXT. BETHEL BAPTIST CHURCH – DAY #2. More concise. At the funeral for Dusty’s wife, a projector replays a picnic at Serpent Lake, with Eve and their twins, Betsy and Billy– now painfully absent.
INT. CABIN – DUSK (I added these for the fun of it.)
Dusty sweeps and mops the cabin. Something screeches outside.
A car back-fires.
DUSTY (Dusty wants to be alone in his misery.)
VOICE FROM PASSING CAR What in the name of all that’s holy! Where are we?
Dusty peers out the window. The car makes a U turn in his driveway. The driver has his windows down. He’s yelling at someone.
IRRITABLE DRIVER—So typical…
If I’ve told you once, Ethel, I’ve told you a thousand times, bring a map! Now here we are stuck in Tin-Buck-Two, lost as hell.
***
PERCY (to Dusty) Watch this!
#1. Percy sits on his haunches, juggling two watermelons in the air. One lands in his mouth. A visible bulge travels down his throat. He burps, and the wind shatters a window.
PERCY (Revised) (to Dusty) Watch this!
#2, Percy juggles two watermelon in the air, hanging from the rafters. A visible bulge travels down his throat. He burps, and the thrust of it shatters a window. ***
INT. CABIN – NIGHT
Dusty startles awake. It sounds like an earthquake hit. Percy peeks outside.
EXT. CABIN – NIGHT
#1. (A bland write:) A brand- new car sits in the driveway. Dusty saunters to the car. He opens the door. The interior lights come on, with every gadget under the moon; and a beautiful interior.
#2 Re-write: EXT. CABIN – NIGHT
A brand- new car sits in the driveway. Dusty opens the door. Inside, Percy splays the vehicle. His tail slaps the window, allowing his limbs to dangle outdoors.
PERCY Surprise! ***
#1. Behind Toby, Percy splays his car. POP! A tire bursts under his weight. Percy gives Dusty a toothy grin. Toby looks around for the sound; then, returns his attention to Dusty’s new car.
#2. Behind Toby, Percy splays on his car doing sit-ups. POP! A tire bursts under his weight. Dusty holds his breath. Toby pauses, glances around and continues inspecting Dusty’s car.***
INT. CABIN – NIGHT
#1. Dusty fumbles trying to light a kerosene lantern. Percy half- crawls into the cabin carrying Ann, still passed out. He carts her over to the couch and drops her. Dusty groans.
#2.Dusty fumbles lighting a kerosene lantern. –concise, visual
Percy half crawls to the couch and drops Ann on it. Dusty groans.—imagistic.
DUSTY (to Percy) Another fine mess you’ve got me into. What am I supposed to do with her?
#1. PERCY If I have to tell you, you’re more ignorant than I thought. Talk to her. Hold her hand. How hard can it be?
#2. PERCY If I have to tell you, you’re more ignorant than I thought!
-
Susan Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment it that delving into the meaning so intensely made me reconsider some aspects of my structure again!
In the “before” scene, I Brian remained a supporting character to Kari. But the point of the scene was just to keep him active in the viewer’s mind and to give her leftover food as an excuse to go see Jack–both of which could be accomplished in a better way.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET WITH CAFES
Kari and Brian are walking down the street. Kari is pushing her bike.
BRIAN
How about this one? We can sit outside. Soak in some rays.
KARI
(hesitates) It’s a little chilly, isn’t it? Can we eat inside?
BRIAN
(suspicious) He’s working right now, isn’t he?
KARI
Just stop. I need a break from the bullshit, not more of it.
BRIAN
(hand on her shoulder) You’re right. I’m sorry. How much of a break do you want? I think a bar is around the corner.
KARI
Now that is what I need!
BRIAN
Right next to your favorite Thai place. See, I think of everything!
Kari gives Brian a spontaneous hug and they go down the street, turning the corner at the end.
In the “after” scene, I more deeply understood that Brian’s role at this point in the story would not be supportive any more. He ends their friendship, which improves not only this scene but the entire script, as it sends Kari into a spiral of desperation. I changed the scene from a boring restaurant to a calligraphy class.
INT. CONTINUING EDUCATION CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Kari enters the classroom where Brian and about fifteen other students are sitting. She playfully taps Brian’s shoulder and then sits down beside him on the other side. He looks over at her with a forced smile and opens his book.
KARI
(signing) What’s the lesson for today?
Brian shrugs, opens his book, then points to a page that reads, “Textura.”
KARI
Are you okay? (beat) Hey, I have some news for you. I think this is going to be my last class.
Brian slams his book closed and turns to face Kari.
BRIAN
What?!
KARI
Yeah, I just don’t have the–
BRIAN
It’s him, isn’t it? He’s making your quit? Kari, what is wrong with you?
KARI
No, it’s not him. I just want to focus on other things right now.
BRIAN
(under his breath) You’re so full of it.
KARI
But you keep going. You’re so good at this.
BRIAN
I just took this class cause you told me to.
Brian turns away and starts writing with his calligraphy pen. He puts the piece of paper on Kari’s desk. He gathers his things and leaves. Kari looks down at the page and, in beautiful letters, it reads, “Don’t ever call me again.” She stares straight ahead, stunned. The teacher arrives.
TEACHER
Open your books to page 112 please. Today we’re going to learn…
-
JUDITH’S MEANINGFUL SCENE – LESSON 10 –
WHAT I LEARNED IS TO LOOK THRU MY SCENES TO FIND WAYS TO ADD MEANINGFUL ACTION THROUGH EVALUATION AND BRAINSTORMING.
OLD SCENE: FADE IN:
EXT. MIDDLE CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Quiet streets. Christmas decorations and lights adorn the houses creating a cheery atmosphere.
INT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
A modest living room decorated for Christmas. In one corner a dried out Christmas tree with all the trimmings.
Candles sit on every available spot. They are arranged in an orderly fashion.
MOM,75, sits in a comfortable recliner watching her daughter, RACHEL PAYNE,34, light the candles. Rachel is an intense woman. She’s singly directed and once she makes up her mind, nothing will change it. She always feels she is right.
A concerned look crosses Mom’s face.
MOM
Aren’t lighting all those candles a bit dangerous, honey? If one caught on fire, we’d all go up in flames.
Rachel grabs a blanket from the couch and covers mom’s legs.
RACHEL
You know how I love candles.
She points to a fire extinguisher.
MOM
The tree looks awfully dry. You should water it.
Rachel looks at the tree.
RACHEL
Hmmm…I’ll get some water.
She disappears. We HEAR water running. Rachel returns and fills the tree stand with water.
Mom is deep in thought. Suddenly, her face brightens.
MOM
Rachel, when did you say Emily is getting here?
She spins around, almost lunging, then gains composure.
RACHEL
For the tenth time, in two days.
MOM
It’ll be so wonderful having us all together again.
Rachel frowns.
Mom moves to get up from her chair. Rachel winces at the effort and rushes over to her.
RACHEL
You know the doctor wants you resting as much as possible.
Mom moves back into the recliner. Props her feet up and smiles at her daughter.
MOM
Would you be a dear and get me the album?
Rachel, annoyed, disappears down the hallway and returns with a photo album.
MOM
Thank you, dear.
She opens it up. Points to a picture.
MOM
Remember when we took this photo?
RACHEL
The day Emily arrived.
MOM
I was so thrilled to have her. And a nice sister for you. You two look so much alike everyone thought you were sisters.
RACHEL
Yah, a nice birthday present for me.
Mom is lost in thought.
MOM
She was such a blessing.
RACHEL
I was about to blow out my candles…happy four-years-old… everyone rushed to the door to greet little miss perfect. Just the presents and me sitting there at the table.
MOM
She looked so scared. You remember?
RACHEL
I opened my presents alone in my room.
MOM
She made the house a place of joy.
Mom stares at Rachel.
MOM
Whatever happened between you two?
A teapot SCREAMS in the kitchen.
RACHEL
Tea?
MOM
What dear?
RACHEL
Tea?
MOM
Don’t make it too hot.
RACHEL
Of course not, I wouldn’t want you to spill it on yourself and get burned.
MOM
Just the right amount of sugar.
Rachel disappears into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Rachel pulls the screeching kettle off the stove.
RACHEL
Don’t make it too hot… Don’t forget my sugar…Sure, Mom, sure.
Rachel puts a doily onto a plate and carefully fills a cup with water. Places a tea bag into it. Adds a couple of teaspoonfuls of sugar.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Mom leafs through the album. Each picture seems to bring her more happiness. She gets to one photo she’s overjoyed with just as Rachel returns with her tea.
MOM
Oh, look, this is when Emily won the art prize. She was so thrilled.
Rachel places the tea on the end table by Mom.
Set up pt pay off later
RACHEL
It should have been my prize. She stole my work and turned it in as her own.
MOM
Now, Rachel, you know that’s not true. Emily always had more art talent than you. You just wished it was your work.
Rachel is resigned.
RACHEL
Drink your tea.
MOM
All these years and you still worry about that.
RACHEL
Silly me.
Mom takes a cautious sip.
MOM
It’s not too hot. Good job.
Mom takes another sip.
MOM
What’s that taste?
RACHEL
A healthier, zero calorie sugar.
Rachel takes a taste of her tea. She watches Mom swizzle another sip.
RACHEL
What do you think, good?
Mom’s face grimaces. She clutches at her throat. Coughs, choking on her perfect tea.
RACHEL
No good, huh…I goofed again.
She reaches out to Rachel who just stands there watching Mom gasp for air.
MOM
(barely audible)
Help me.
Rachel watches Mom fade away. The tea cup falls to the floor spilling liquid on the carpet. Rachel disappears down the hallway. We hear a DRAGGING sound. She returns pulling a body by the legs, a package under her arm.
The body is of a woman in dirty clothes. Her hair is tangled. She looks as if she hasn’t bathe in a year.
She pulls the homeless woman next to the tree. Takes sawdust from the package and sprinkles it around the room. A special nice dose on Mom.
She puts the fire extinguisher in front of the homeless woman’s body. Arranges her arms as if reaching for it. Not quite right. She works at it until she’s satisfied.
Rachel looks at Mom, unconscious. She kisses her. She lights the candles.
RACHEL
I’m afraid it’s gonna be too hot, but just perfect.
She grabs her coat and purse. Knocks over all the candles. The room bursts into flame. Rachel races toward the back of the house to escape.
EXT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rachel runs to a blue Chevy in the alley behind her house.
She gets in and drives away as the front windows of the house burst from their frames littering the dead front lawn and flying onto Rachel’s black Mercedes parked in front of the house. The flames lap at the car charring the side.
EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rachel’s neighbor, MRS. BROWN,60’S, runs out of her house.
MRS. BROWN
Oh, miGod. Oh, miGod.
She dials 911. Races to a hose and douses her house with water.
EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT
Dark. A store: ART YOU WANT,original paintings and unique ceramics with an “out of business, closed forever,” sign.
Rachel’s Chevy turns into the driveway in front of the store. She slows down and stops. A tear trickles down her cheek. She throws a kiss at the store and drives off.
NEW SCENE: FADE IN:
EXT. MIDDLE CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Quiet streets. Christmas decorations and lights adorn the houses creating a cheery atmosphere.
INT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
A modest living room decorated for Christmas. In one corner a dried out Christmas tree with all the trimmings.
Candles sit on every available spot. They are arranged in an orderly fashion.
MOM,75, sits in a comfortable recliner watching her daughter, RACHEL PAYNE,34, light the candles. Rachel is an intense woman. She’s singly directed and once she makes up her mind, nothing will change it. She always feels she is right.
A concerned look crosses Mom’s face.
MOM
Aren’t lighting all those candles a bit dangerous, honey? If one caught on fire, we’d all go up in flames.
Rachel grabs a blanket from the couch and covers Mom’s legs.
RACHEL
You know how I love candles.
She points to a fire extinguisher.
MOM
The tree looks awfully dry. You should water it.
Rachel looks at the tree.
RACHEL
Hmmm…I’ll get some water.
She disappears. We HEAR water running. Rachel returns and fills the tree stand with water.
Mom is deep in thought. Suddenly, her face brightens.
MOM
Rachel, when did you say Emily is getting here?
Spinning around, almost lunging, Rachel gains composure.
RACHEL
For the tenth time, in two days.
MOM
It’ll be so wonderful having us all together again.
Rachel frowns.
Mom moves to get up from her chair. Rachel winces at the effort and rushes over to her.
RACHEL
You know the doctor wants you resting as much as possible.
Mom moves back into the recliner. Props her feet up and smiles at her daughter.
MOM
Would you be a dear and get me the album?
Rachel, annoyed, disappears down the hallway and returns with a photo album.
MOM
Thank you, dear.
She opens it up. Points to a picture.
MOM
Remember when we took this photo?
Without even looking…
RACHEL
The day Emily arrived.
MOM
I was so thrilled to have her. And a nice sister for you. You two look so much alike everyone thought you were sisters.
RACHEL
Yah, a nice birthday present for me.
Mom is lost in thought.
MOM
She was such a blessing.
RACHEL
(indignantly)
Yah…
MOM
She looked so scared. You remember?
RACHEL
Ah…hah.
MOM
She made the house a place of joy.
A teapot SCREAMS in the kitchen.
RACHEL
Tea’s ready.
MOM
What dear?
RACHEL
Tea?
MOM
Don’t make it too hot.
RACHEL
Of course not, I wouldn’t want you to spill it on yourself and get burned.
MOM
Just the right amount of sugar.
Rachel disappears into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Rachel pulls the screeching kettle off the stove.
RACHEL
Don’t make it too hot… Don’t forget my sugar.
Rachel puts a doily onto a plate and carefully fills a cup with water. Places a tea bag into it. Adds a couple of teaspoonfuls of sugar.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Mom leafs through the album. Each picture seems to bring her more happiness. She gets to one photo she’s overjoyed with just as Rachel returns with her tea.
MOM
Oh, look, this is when Emily won the art prize. She was so thrilled.
Rachel almost drops the cup of tea. Catches herself and places the tea on the end table by Mom.
Set up pt pay off later
RACHEL
Drink your tea.
Mom takes a cautious sip.
MOM
It’s not too hot. Good job.
Rachel’s surprised. She smiles at Mom who takes another sip and cancels out her “good job” complement.
MOM
What’s that taste?
RACHEL
(resigned)
A healthier, zero calorie sugar.
Rachel samples her tea. She watches Mom swizzle another sip.
RACHEL
What do you think, good?
Mom’s face grimaces. She clutches at her throat. Coughs, choking on her perfect tea.
RACHEL
No good, huh…
She reaches out to Rachel who just stands there watching Mom gasp for air.
As Mom fades away the tea cup falls to the floor spilling liquid on the carpet.
Rachel disappears down the hallway. We hear a DRAGGING sound. She returns pulling a body by the legs. A package anchored under her arm.
The body is of a woman in dirty clothes. Her hair is tangled. She looks as if she hasn’t bathe in a year.
She pulls the homeless woman next to the tree. Takes sawdust from the package and sprinkles it around the room. A special nice dose on Mom.
She puts the fire extinguisher in front of the homeless woman’s body. Arranges her arms as if reaching for it. Not quite right. She works at it until she’s satisfied.
Rachel looks at Mom, unconscious. She kisses her. She lights the candles.
RACHEL
I’m afraid it’s gonna be too hot, but just perfect.
She grabs her coat and purse. Knocks over all the candles. The room bursts into flame. Rachel races toward the back of the house.
EXT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rachel runs to a blue Chevy in the alley behind her house.
She gets in and drives away as the front windows of the house burst from frames. The glass litters the dead front lawn and flies onto Rachel’s black Mercedes parked in front of the house. The flames lap at the car charring the side.
EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT
Dark. A store: ART YOU WANT, original paintings and unique ceramics with an “out of business, closed forever,” sign.
Rachel’s Chevy turns into the driveway, slows and stops in front of the store.
INT. RACHEL’S CAR – NIGHT
A tear trickles down Rachel’s cheek. She throws a kiss at the store and drives off.
-
Feedback:
RACHEL
You know how I love candles.
She points to a fire extinguisher.–Is there a reason why she
loves candles so much? Maybe she lit one for herself when she opened her
presents alone in her room? I ask because I know that candles are what lead to
her death by fire at the end, so I wonder if they might have some deep
significance to her?MOM
Would you be a dear and get me the album?
Rachel, annoyed, disappears down the hallway and returns with a photo album.–She could probably just have
the album with her already, maybe opened on her lap?RACHEL
I was about to blow out my candles…happy four-years-old… everyone rushed to the door to greet little miss perfect. Just the presents and me sitting there at the table.–I see that you removed this
conversation in the new scene. Are you including it elsewhere? I actually
really like this dialogue. I think it includes powerful images that we all can
relate to, and it really helps us understand Rachel’s motive.RACHEL
I opened my presents alone in my room.–Oh, please keep this! It’s
marvelous!MOM
Whatever happened between you two?You took this line out. I
agree. It seems that Rachel would hide this from Mom.A teapot SCREAMS in the kitchen.
–As Rachel screams in her
mind! Awesome!RACHEL
Of course not, I wouldn’t want you to spill it on yourself and get burned.–Great foreshadowing line!
RACHEL
Don’t make it too hot… Don’t forget my sugar…Sure, Mom, sure.
Rachel puts a doily onto a plate and carefully fills a cup with water. Places a tea bag into it. Adds a couple of teaspoonfuls of sugar.–Are you going to show her
adding the poison here?MOM
Now, Rachel, you know that’s not true. Emily always had more art talent than you. You just wished it was your work.
Rachel is resigned.–I think this could be
illustrated another way. The delivery seems a little flat for a story of such
significance to Rachel. Plus, isn’t Mom incoherent–enough to drink bad-tasting
tea and to forget when Emily is coming? I know she could be drifting in and out
of reality, but I wonder if that her scene is long enough to accommodate this
successfully.MOM
It’s not too hot. Good job.
Mom takes another sip.–I don’t know about this
line. Would Mom compliment Rachel? Seems like this is the kind of attention
that Rachel lacked in her childhood: acknowledgment of doing a good job.RACHEL
A healthier, zero calorie sugar.–Ha!
INT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
A modest living room decorated for Christmas. In one corner a dried out Christmas tree with all the trimmings.
Candles sit on every available spot. They are arranged in an orderly fashion.
MOM,75, sits in a comfortable recliner watching her daughter, RACHEL PAYNE,34, light the candles. Rachel is an intense woman. She’s singly directed and once she makes up her mind, nothing will change it. She always feels she is right.
A concerned look crosses Mom’s face.–I like the description of
Rachel–sends chills down my spine, and she hasn’t even murdered yet!<div>RACHEL
Tea’s ready.–It’s a slight change, but I
like that you changed the two lines: “tea?”She puts the fire extinguisher in front of the homeless woman’s body. Arranges her arms as if reaching for it. Not quite right. She works at it until she’s satisfied.
–A lovely touch here! I can
really picture it.EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT
Dark. A store: ART YOU WANT, original paintings and unique ceramics with an “out of business, closed forever,” sign.
Rachel’s Chevy turns into the driveway, slows and stops in front of the store.–The name of this store
totally exemplifies Rachel’s character! Love it!</div>
-
-
DAY 10 SCENE REWRITE
Althea’s meaningful action scene rewrite
What I learned from this assignment is that adding meaningful action to a scene will elevate the scene.
Logline: LOGLINE: Missing her deceased mother and desperate to grow up, a plant-loving middle schooler secretly plays matchmaker for her Father, using a popular dating app.
ORIGINAL SCENE
INT. CHURCH CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Robert is perusing the book shelves. He is lost in thought. PASTOR JOHNSON, mid 40’s Black male, dressed in a robe, walks into the room takes off the robe and flops down in a chair.
PASTOR JOHNSON
Man, that stuff never gets old! You hear that engagement? Did you see them on their feet when I brought it home?
Robert continues to stare ahead.
PASTOR JOHNSON (CONT’D)
(sarcastically)
I sure did Pastor. You were in rare form, in fact, I think that’s the best I’ve seen you do. Definitely a fresh anointing!
Why, thank you brother. I did feel inspired. Okay, now Bob, that is enough.
ROBERT
Huh? I’m sorry. Yeah man! That was great.
PASTOR JOHNSON
You’re right about it but that’s not why you insisted on talking today. What’s going on that couldn’t wait till Thursday morning for our monthly breakfast?
ROBERT
It’s Bobbie.
Pastor Johnson sits bolt upright in his chair.
PASTOR JOHNSON
(with growing alarm)
What is it? I just saw her with Dee. She looked fine.
ROBERT
No, she is fine. I mean, she spends all her time with those plants, talking, singing and raping.
Pastor Johnson relaxes.
PASTOR JOHNSON
A lot of people talk and sing to plants. I didn’t know she could rap.
ROBERT
She can’t.
PASTOR JOHNSON
You mean, “She can’t yet.”
Robert begins to pace around the room.
ROBERT
Bobbie is growing up. I don’t know anything about little girls growing up.
PASTOR JOHNSON
Listen, I’ve known you for a long time.
ROBERT
You have.
PASTOR JOHNSON
You can handle a girl growing up! Tell me what’s really up.
ROBERT
We’re Frat and I respect you as my Pastor. I’m struggling. I just miss Evie so much!
Robert fights back his emotions.
PASTOR JOHNSON
I know you do. What’s it been, a little over 2 years?
ROBERT
Two years, 3 months and 6 days since that man killed my wife; all for a text message.
Pastor Johnson is quiet for a moment.
PASTOR JOHNSON
Bobbie is an awesome girl. You two can help each other. But maybe its time to consider how much value the right person can add to your family.
ROBERT
Add value? What is this, my life or a corporate position?
PASTOR JOHNSON
You know what I mean. Trust God and He will show you what to do.
ROBERT
Since you brought it up…I’m struggling with that. Tell me, what is loving about a God who would take my wife away from me and her daughter.
PASTOR JOHNSON
You know God didn’t take Evie. It’s the thief who kills.
ROBERT
He didn’t stop it and He could have. Why would I trust and want to follow anyone who would do that to me? Does God really have my back?
Pastor Johnson looks sympathetic.
ROBERT (CONT’D)
Fourteen years of marriage, our daughter blossoming, Evie’s career established and then full stop, she’s dead.
PASTOR JOHNSON
I know its hard. You’ve got to change the way you’re thinking.
ROBERT
I’ve got to change the way I’m thinking? How ‘bout God doesn’t ALLOW Evie to die? What about God supplying all your needs? I need Evie!
Robert flops down in a chair.
PASTOR JOHNSON
I feel you man. I don’t understand it all, but your focus is off.
Pastor Johnson places a hand on Robert’s shoulder.
PASTOR JOHNSON(CONT’D)
Look at what you have, Bobbie.
ROBERT
It was Evie who made it easy for me. I didn’t realize how much I depended on her till I tried to talk to Bobbie about Evie’s death. It was like I was talking to a stranger. Since Evie’s been gone, there is something missing behind her eyes. I don’t know how to reach her.
PASTOR JOHNSON
I know losing Evie has been hard on everyone, but I’ve seen you work a room. You always connect. I’m sure you’re being too hard on yourself.
ROBERT
No, this IS a thing. Bobbie and I are not connecting! I need Evie to tell me what to do! I can’t loose Bobbie too!
Robert puts his head down in his hands. Pastor Johnson sits quietly for a moment.
PASTOR JOHNSON
Tell me something that is true about the situation.
ROBERT
I need answers not to play games!
PASTOR JOHNSON
Humor me, please.
Robert thinks for a moment.
ROBERT
I love Bobbie and want to give her all the experiences that will guide her to becoming a happy fulfilled person.
PASTOR JOHNSON
That’s every good parent’s dream. When God gives you an opportunity, remind Bobbie that she is not alone. Practice being present when you are with her. You love her, she loves you. It will work out.
ROBERT
So you say.
PASTOR JOHNSON
So I KNOW, We’ve been promised. Romans 8:28 says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
</p><p>REVISIED SCENE:</p><p>INT. CHURCH CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY</p><p>Robert sits at a conference room table. On the table is a large Bible open to a Ephesians 6. Robert is going through his phone. We see articles “How to be the Cool Dad without Ruining Your Kid”, “ The Secret Life of a Teenager”, “Talking to Your Teenager”, A book title comes up, Raising Godly Teens in Today’s Ungodly World. He chooses the book link and hurriedly scrolls through the book. PASTOR JOHNSON, 40’s Black male, comfortable with himself and with the pastoral role, enters the room, wearing a giant smile. He takes a twirl and flops down into a chair.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>Man, that stuff never gets old! You hear that engagement? Did you see them on their feet when I brought it home? </p><p>He looks to the ceiling and points his two index fingers at God. Robert continues to read from his phone.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON (CONT’D)</p><p>(sarcastically)</p><p>I sure did Pastor. You were in rare form, in fact, I think that’s the best I’ve seen you do. Definitely a fresh anointing!</p><p>Beat</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON (CONT’D) (CONT’D)</p><p>Why, thank you brother. I did feel inspired. Okay, now Bob, that is enough.</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>Huh? I’m sorry. Yeah man. That was great. </p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>You’re right about it but that’s not why you insisted on talking today. What’s going on that couldn’t wait till Thursday morning for our monthly breakfast?</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>It’s Bobbie.</p><p>Pastor Johnson sits bolt upright in his chair.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>(with growing alarm)</p><p>What is it? I just saw her with Dee. She looked fine. </p><p>ROBERT</p><p>No, she is fine. I mean, she spends all her time with those plants, talking, singing and raping. </p><p>Pastor Johnson relaxes.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>A lot of people talk and sing to plants. </p><p>Robert gets up and paces around the room.</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>Bobbie is growing up. I don’t know anything about little girls growing up. </p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>Listen, I’ve known you for a long time. </p><p>ROBERT</p><p>You have.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>You can handle a girl growing up! Tell me what’s really up. </p><p>ROBERT</p><p>We’re Frat and I respect you as my Pastor. I just miss Evie so much! </p><p>Robert fights back his emotions.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>I know you do. What’s it been, a little over 2 years?</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>Two years, 3 months and 6 days since that man killed my wife; all for a text.</p><p>Pastor Johnson is quiet for a moment.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>Bobbie is an awesome girl. You two can help each other. Trust God and He will show you what to do.</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>Since you brought it up...I’m struggling with that. Tell me, what is loving about a God who would take my wife away from me and her daughter.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>You know God didn’t take Evie. It’s the thief who kills.</p><p>Robert sits back down and aggressively closes the Bible and sends it across the table.</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>He didn’t stop it and He could have. Why would I trust and want to follow anyone who would do that to me? Does God really have my back? </p><p>Pastor Johnson looks sympathetic. </p><p>ROBERT (CONT’D)</p><p>Fourteen years of marriage, our daughter blossoming, Evie’s career established and then full stop, she’s dead.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>I know its hard. You’ve got to change the way you’re thinking.</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>I’ve got to change the way I’m thinking? How ‘bout God doesn’t ALLOW Evie to die? What about God supplying all your needs? I need Evie!</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>I feel you man. I don’t understand it all, but your focus is off. </p><p>Pastor Johnson places a hand on Robert’s shoulder.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON(CONT’D)</p><p>Look at what you have, Bobbie. </p><p>ROBERT</p><p>It was Evie who made it easy for me. I didn’t realize how much I depended on her till I tried to talk to Bobbie about Evie’s death. It was like I was talking to a stranger. Since Evie’s been gone, there is something missing behind her eyes. I don’t know how to reach her. </p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>I know losing Evie has been hard on everyone, but I’ve seen you work a room. You always connect. I’m sure you’re being too hard on yourself.</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>No, this IS a thing. Bobbie and I are not connecting! I need Evie to tell me what to do! I can’t loose Bobbie too!</p><p>Robert puts his head down in his hands. Pastor Johnson sits quietly for a moment.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>Tell me something that is true about the situation.</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>I need answers not to play games!</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>Humor me, please.</p><p>Robert thinks for a moment.</p><p>ROBERT</p><p>I love Bobbie and want to give her all the experiences that will guide her to becoming a happy fulfilled person.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>That’s every good parent’s dream. When God gives you an opportunity, remind Bobbie that she is not alone. Practice being present when you are with her. You love her, she loves you. It will work out. </p><p>ROBERT</p><p>So you say.</p><p>PASTOR JOHNSON</p><p>So I KNOW, We’ve been promised. Romans 8:28 says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who are the called according to His purpose.” -
Heather’s Meaningful Action
“What I learned doing this assignment is: I’m beginning to think I might be a better director.
I can clearly see what I want each actor to accomplish in the scene. I chose this one because it’s a talking heads scene. There is very little action in it. I don’t want to tell the actor’s what to do, they need to let their actions come from their understanding of the characters. BUT, at the same time I need to show that DeGaul is the “Divine” element of the trinity I envision, Angelino is the “Fallen” element of the trinity and we are only lacking Ambrose as the “Human” element.
INT. CHURCH OFFICE – DAY
DeGaul paces in front of his window, his arms clenched tightly to keep them from moving.
ANGELINO
You leave me to be met at the airport by a predator.
(gestures at the TV)
Who somehow has information that could bias the entire case against us!
Angelino’s mellifluous Spanish accent makes him sound like the devil rounding up souls for breakfast.
Behind DeGaul’s desk, in DeGaul’s chair, he leans with steepled arms on DeGaul’s elegant ink blotter fussing with DeGaul’s fountain pen.
DEGAUL
It would only have been worse had I shown up to meet you. I don’t know who is leaking information to the press, but I promise I’ll find out and deal with the matter.
ANGELINO
Will you? Your judgement in this matter shows an extraordinary lack of understanding.
DEGAUL
I did what was necessary. What I thought to be right.
ANGELINO
And so, Mother Church must now pay restitution to yet another tribe of heathens for civilizing their children and bringing them to the glories of God?
DEGAUL
“Civilizing” their children? The glories of God? Is that what you call murder?
ANGELINO
The war of evangelization has always had casualties. You must justify what happened that way.
DEGAUL
No sir, I will not! I did not join the church to murder children, but to save their eternal souls. And I will defend anyone under my supervision who repents of his sins. It is my duty.
ANGELINO
A noble sentiment but a misguided one. Make no mistake. We are under siege by an enemy who will even use children against us. Please, sit down. I am getting a sore neck staring up at you.
DeGaul sits, affronted it must be in the chair across from his own desk.
DEGAUL
This is the official explanation is it then? The children were possessed. Exorcism gone wrong? One hundred and sixty-three times.
ANGELINO
When a nation is defeated we do not bargain with the conquered. We trample them. You have given them land and housing. Schooling. More money than many will see in their lifetimes, and yet now they whine because they want more? Let the lawyers argue over these technicalities.
DEGAUL
The First Nations of Canada have never been enemies. Do not treat them that way.
ANGELINO
And how would you have me treat them?
DEGAUL
The Catholic church has always been a beacon of light times of darkness. Can you not show these people the love of Christ, or have you fallen so far you’ve completely forgotten His commandments?
ANGELINO
A beacon of light? We are a surgical instrument. Cancer must be excised before it spreads to the host. If they win this case, how long before another heathen tribe scraping out an existence in the dirt tries the same thing?
DeGaul leans on his desk and searches Angelino’s face.
DEGAUL
Do you have none of the love of Christ in your heart? You see suppositions where none exist.
ANGELINO
Yet. Tend your flock, Bishop. That is where your strength lies.
DEGAUL
How would you know? You don’t know the first thing about me.
Angelino rises from the desk and reaches for his coat and scarf. He pulls a thick file from his briefcase and slaps it on the desk.
ANGELINO
That is where you are mistaken. I know a great deal about you. I know you are wasted here.
He shrugs into the coat and arranges it with care.
ANGELINO
I hear the coast of France is lovely at this time of year. So much easier on the bones as one ages. Of course you can always live out your days in that miserable, pest ridden…bog…in where was it? Oh yes, Manitoba. Do let me know what you think.
DEGAUL
Did you just threaten me?
Angelino looks wounded. It doesn’t sit well on his face.
ANGELINO
We shall meet in the morning to straighten out the mess you have made of things.
DeGaul looks at the file. Anger descends like holy fire. His whole life is chronicled there.
DEGAUL
“What profits a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?” A person should remember that as he rises through the ranks, Cardinal.
-
I really admire the way you embody concepts and beliefs in your characters and situations. It provides a focus for your writing. The scene is easily visualized as written, but it may be hard to show the emotions and personality on-screen even with good direction. Angelino is obviously malicious. Maybe too much so. Perhaps, some subtext here? The scene plays well, is believable, and is engrossing even with mostly dialogue. The dialogue fits the characters. Would a director follow your stage directions even though they are descriptive and effective? Your script is coming alive.
-
-
Thank you David for your insightful comments. I don’t know if a director would follow my actions – all I can do is tell the story the way I see it unfolding in my head. I have always been told to tell the story, and I can hear Antonio Banderas grinding out elegant words in his thick spanish accent which just makes everything sound so evil. I was always told an antagonist has to absolutely believe they are morally right to pull off their part. This is over the top to me, but that’s what the table read is all about, and the people playing the parts would have their input as well. My job as the writer is to sell the story. I have to paint it clearly so someone sees it and it becomes their dream as well. I am hoping to mentor with someone to get this made, since it’s an ‘own voices’ project
-
Benito Selim’s Meaningful Action
What I learned doing this assignment is less can often be more. Taking a deeper look at scenes that give the audience hints and even subtext don’t always have to be over explained.
ORIGINAL SCENE
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE- MORNING
AARON LENDER, mid 30s herpetologist arrives to the site, he is met by DALE RANDAL, 50s Sheriff.
DALE
You must be Aaron, the gator doc.
AARON
That is me. My appropriate title is herpetologist.
DALE
A herpa what?
AARON
Nevermind. I’m assuming a gator is, why I’m here?
DALE
First thing. We want to keep this, under wraps. No media or bringing others in the mix. You reading me?
AARON
Am I looking at something, I shouldn’t?
DALE
No. We’re just stumped on this case. You follow me?
Dale leads Aaron to Marty’s trailer. Aaron examines the area; he comes across ALLIGATOR TRACKS.
AARON
I See what you mean. Sheriff, do you believe this was caused by an alligator?
DALE
Possibly. But the tracks are all that we have.
Aaron follows a TRAIL OF CHEMICALS; they lead to the creek. Several alligator tracks lead into the water.
AARON
It’s hard to believe, alligators would be this aggressive. Unless, something agitated or threaten them.
DALE
All the construction could be pissing them off.
Aaron examines the creek bank.
AARON
Sheriff, could I get a jar or something?
Dale steps into Marty’s trailer. Dale finds A PLASTIC CONTAINER, he hands it to Aaron. Aaron COLLECTS A CHEMICAL SAMPLE.
DALE
What’cha got there?
AARON
I’m not sure. Do you know how far, this creek goes out?
DALE
Not sure. There’s alot of rivers and lakes in the area. You have something, I should know about?
AARON
I got some tests to run. I’ll be in contact, if its anything serious.
Aaron exits, as Dale stares out to the creek.
REWRITTEN SCENE
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE- MORNING
AARON LENDER, mid 30s herpetologist arrives to the site, he is met by DALE RANDAL, 50s Sheriff and his DEPUTIES JOHNSON and HARRIS, 30s
DALE
You must be Aaron, the gator doc.
AARON
That is me. The herpetologist.
DALE
A herpa what?
AARON
Nevermind. I’m assuming a gator is, why I’m here?
DALE
Possibly, we don’t want to bring unwanted attention, you read me?
Dale and Aaron stare upon each other, Aaron gives a nod.
EXT. FOREMAN TRAILER- LATER
Dale takes Aaron to the crime scene. Aaron is shocked and exhales, he surveys the area.
AARON
I find this odd that an alligator would do this.
Dale questions.
AARON (CONT’D)
Alligators tend to keep to themselves. Now if provoked they will attack, but this (beat) is just unbelievable.
DALE
I doubt a human did this. He’s torn to shreds.
Aaron follows A BLOOD TRAIL down to a nearby CREEK. Aaron walks the creek bed; AN UNKNOWN SUBSTANCE sits atop the water.
Aaron grabs A STICK and SWIRLS it into the substance. Aaron examines the stick; he smells it and gives it a touch. While feeling the substance on his hands he turns to Dale.
AARON
Sheriff?
Dale joins Aaron at the creek bed.
DALE
You got something?
AARON
Not sure, do you have a jar or evidence bag I can have?
DALE
I got you. Hey Johnson, grab a crack test. Do you think they came from here?
Aaron and Dale survey the creek.
AARON
Possibly. We’re very close to the glades, I spent several months there when I was getting my doctorate.
Deputy Johnson joins Aaron and Dale; he hands Aaron the test kit. Aaron takes a sample of the substance.
AARON
I need to take this to my lab and run some test. I’ll be in touch.
Aaron makes his way back towards the crime scene, he notices more of the substance in the blood puddles and parts to the trailer.
Aaron exits.
Log in to reply.