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Day 10 Assignments
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DAY 10 Anna’s Kick-Ass Dialogue.
What I learned; well, that was fun. It was really interesting to go into writing a scene with the intention of creating options from the master list, and much easier than trying to place them after the first draft. I crammed in as much as I could’ attack/counter-attack, symbols, world view, and dialogue in character.
First Draft from PIRATE sequel to SILENT NIGHT
SITUATION
A friend (JAMES) died and left the care of PIRATE,(his dog) and a financial legacy with strings attached to his friends Sophie and Sandy
PIRATE is the littermate of ALFIE a dog with superpowers from the pilot SILENT NIGHT.. Alfie and Dylan (boy from Silent Night) are trying to locate Alfie’s littermates.
CHARACTERS
PIRATE
Is a black and white Newfoundland dog. He has superpowers that Sandy and Sophie do not know about.
SOPHIE is a 65-year-old out-of-work actress. She makes a little money baking cakes and selling herbs. She lives with SANDY
SANDY Is a retired teacher, in his late 60’s He paints dreary landscapes, no sales. Likes boring card games, meat and potatoes food, and watching Coronation Street.
SCENE
MUSIC UP
ACKER BILK STRANGER ON THE SHORE
ESTABLISHING/ARIAL/ FRESHWATER BAY CLIFFS/ THE NEEDLES /SUNNY DAY
EXT.FRESHWATER BAY BEACH, ISLE OF WIGHT UK/DAY
Sophie and Sandy are sitting in deck chairs in front of the Fresh From the Sea Fish and Chips van. Sophie has tied a red balloon to her chair.
SOPHIE
We need to have a chat dear. IMPLICATION/HINT (BIG TROUBLE AHEAD)
SANDY
There’s sand in my fish and chip dinner. Why did we have to come to the beach? (ALLUSION DOING THIS OUTING RESENTFUL OF THE DOG))
SOPHIE
It’s a lovely day, the fish and chips taste better at the beach and PIRATE needs his daily swim. ( HINT/ SOMETHING AFOOT)
SANDY
It’s January for God’s sake! I would rather have had dinner at home! All this mucking about because of the dog. (HINT SANDY IS PISSED OFF)
PIRATE
Pirate is busy swimming around in the water.
SOPHIE is eating her fish and chips ravenously, with gusto. (METAPHOR FOR HER APPROACH TO LIFE)
SOPHIE
It’s a balmy 10 degrees, no need to complain. I am going in for a splash about with Pirate, soon as I have finished my delish fish and chips just look at him, he’s having a lovely time. Pirate is magnificent, strong, and powerful I love watching him enjoy himself! Really, Sandy we have to talk it’s me, not you. (ALLUDING TO TROUBLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP)
SANDY wraps up his fish and chips, not eating, and places them on the beach blanket. Sulking. (IMPLICATION, HE IS INTRACTABLE)
SANDY
Turns to Sophie, and uses an authoritative tone of voice.
You know Sophie, I am not at all keen on having this arrangement JAMES has left us in a sticky spot. I mean really Pirate is too much responsibility at our age. And let’s not forget some of the strings James attached. (ALLUDING TO JAMES EXPECTATIONS)
SOPHIE
I don’t think you are listening, again! ( INSINUATING HIS RESPONSE IS UNACCEPTABLE)
SANDY
I’ve lost my appetite. I’m tired. I could hardly sleep a wink. Pirate snores. He jumped on the bed this morning, I just about had a heart attack, a giant dog face in my face first thing in the morning. Ughh. Dog breath! (IMPLICATION DOG IS UNACCEPTABLE/COULD RESULT IN DOING SANDY IN)
SOPHIE
Practically all the people on the island know him and love him. What’s wrong with taking care of Pirate? I going to keep him no matter what you say. I’ll get a California King size bed, no problemo. (HINT SOPHIE IS GOING TO GO AHEAD NO MATTER WHAT)
SANDY
Did you see all the drool he shakes off, it’s disgusting. He needs to wear a bib. It will be all over the walls of our little house. He practically fills the hallway, and the living room carpet, there’s nowhere to move! (INSINUATION SANDY DOES NOT LIKE THE DOG)
SOPHIE
That’s why James left us his farm. It’s much bigger. Pirate will enjoy being in his old haunt. I can’t wait, the farm is an exciting move. I already started clearing out the cupboards and I forgot to mention that I have a moving van ordered.(IMPLICATION, THIS IS A DONE DEAL)
SANDY
Speaking in a whiny tone of voice. Gets up and starts to fold the chairs. Sophie unties the red balloon. (IMPLICATION THIS IS THE END OF THE DISCUSSION AS FAR AS SANDY IS CONCERNED)
SANDY
Sophie, you know I’m no good with big changes. I like our life the way it is. We are a pair of old crocks, how much time and energy do we have to take on Pirate and do all the other things James asked us to do in his will. (IMPLYING THEY ARE TOO OLD)
SOPHIE
Stands, using a confrontational tone of voice
You like our life the way it is, do you? Meaning playing cards on Wednesday, watching Coronation Street, and sticking to your rules about not having anyone over for dinner? No foreign food, and what about sex? I don’t know what you are really afraid of Sandy, do you? (METAPHOR FOR SANDY’S APPROACH TO LIFE AND THE RELATIONSHIP AND FEAR OF CHANGE BEING FEAR OF DEATH)
SANDY
Sandy picks up the package of fish and chips. Sophie takes them away from him.
This conversation is impossible. I can’t eat these blasted fish and chips with sand sprinkled on them, this bloody dog nonsense has got me all wound up. (ALLUSION THIS IS ALL THE DOG’S FAULT)
SOPHIE
It’s you who is impossible. We have been live-in lovers for what 10 years now. Time to shake things up before I go senile from boredom I am moving to the farm with Pirate.
SANDY
My dear you are 70 next month, be realistic. You aren’t going to find another man, especially not with that mutt hanging around. (SARCASM)
SOPHIE
I’ll look for a new lover online, why not? And I am bored to death of with life the way it is, what a dreary prospect. (HINT ITS SANDY WHO IS DREARY)
SANDY
Sophie, are you leaving me for a dog? A drooling, farting, fur on everything dog. You have really lost it this time. (IMPLICATION/ IS SOPHIE GOING SENILE/)
PIRATE
Exits the water shaking water everywhere, and heads for Sophie and the fish and chips.
SANDY
God’s sake, he is shaking water all over my good slacks!
SOPHIE
Yes, I’m leaving you for a new life with Pirate, moving to the farm, and continuing James’ work with homeless youth. Stay comfortable Sandy We have had a good 10 years but the zip has zapped, and the fire has fizzled. (METAPHOR FOR THE ENERGY IN THE RELATIONSHIP) If I am afraid of anything, it’s dying of boredom. Sorry, it’s really me, not you. Pirate, would like Sandy’s fish and chips?
SANDY
Does this mean I don’t get any of the money?
EXT. BEACH/SUNSET
SOPHIE
Ignores Sandy, throws off her beach dress and runs into the shallows with her red balloon, and plays with Pirate.
MUSIC UP
PLAYING IN THE WAVES
HIP HOP BEAT LYRICS Anna HARPER
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by anna harper.
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Hey Anna!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Thanks Cameron for your thoughtful feedback. I will see what I can do to jaz up Sophies speech and yes I can think of a way to focus in on TV shows for quips and quotes. Our next assignment is going to keep me busy for a while though. Take and watch out for worms.
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Hey Anna!
I’m over the moon that you reviewed the entire arc, and am a bit embarrassed that I missed some clear typos. I do agree that several of the lines are still a bit contrived, and am looking forward to fixing those so that the characters feel more believable and easier to read. Thank you for pointing out where there was some confusion. I’m grateful for the chance you’ve given me to clarify what’s going on.
Here’s what I loved about your scene!
I like how the scene begins and ends with “It’s not you, it’s me.” While I think most people, even the most socially unaware ones, would be familiar with the expression and its meaning, the circular dialogue structure does give this scene a satisfying and resounding impact (the relationship is no more)…
Especially as it relates to both Sandy and Sophie carrying on different conversations: Sandy wants his normal routine back, while Sophie wants life and adventure. Both characters represent different desires (security vs. freedom) and the dog is used as a wonderful bridge/metaphor between these two contradictory elements.
What I have questions about…
Is there a way to make Sophie’s and Sandy’s vocabulary more unique? Obviously I went to a bit of an extreme with my sample, and I don’t think this story warrants anything like that. Other than the opinions regarding the dog, though, both characters speak very similarly, despite having very different world views. Sandy is obviously a stick in the mud, unwilling to compromise the steadfast predictability of his day to day life, while Sophie sees Pirate as a chance to experience something new. Is there a way to present that security vs freedom theme more strongly in the way the characters speak, the word choices they use, or common expressions?
I’m unfamiliar with British television, but I wonder if there’s an opportunity to inject some irony using Sandy’s obsessing with a particular show. A lot of times, people are drawn to the movies to live vicariously through someone they wish they could be, or live a life they wished they had. What if that was another difference between Sandy and Sophie: Sophie’s not obsessed with a show because she has an opportunity to live the adventure she wants, and while Sandy has that same opportunity, he’s too scared of change to live freely. I’m not sure about the other scenes in this story, but what if Sandy quotes from his favorite show all the time prior to this scene, but when Sophie presents a “call to adventure” by using the same quotes Sandy took from his favorite show, he turns it down, revealing his true character? It’s just a thought, and if you have reasons for the way Sophie and Sandy engage each other, I’d trust your intentions.
Thanks again for your awesome feedback!
Cam
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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DAY 10 Applying Advanced Dialogue to Your Script
Lisa’s Kick Ass Dialogue!
What I learned is that there are many ways to work on improving dialogue.
Scene from “Mary’s Wonderful Christmas”
Name: MARY WINTERS
Character Traits: Competitive, Clever, Energetic, Driven, Evasive
Name: PETER WINTERS
Character Traits: Depressed, Kind, Lost, Desperate, Manipulative
Set up: This scene is after the climax. Peter, Mary’s ex-husband has just been captured by US government NORAD agents for kidnapping Santa Claus. Mary dressed as Santa Claus switched with the real Santa and thwarted Peter’s plan to steal presents from families. Everyone is in the front yard of the house that was to be burgled. The real Santa Claus has just taken a ride on a firetruck for the It’s a Wonderful Life parade, replacing Mary who was supposed to do it. Later, the real Santa comes running up to the group.
EXT-YARD-NIGHT
DONNA and DASH, US agents, have PETER WINTERS handcuffed and leaning against their government issued car. JOSEPH BISHOP, Mary’s boyfriend, is present to support Mary. MARY WINTERS (dressed as Santa) is Peter’s ex-wife who is trying to convince the agents to let him go.
MARY
He didn’t go through with it! Santa ran off. There’s no one to press charges.
(DIRECT PREDICTION)
DONNA
Ma’am, he has to answer to NORAD.
(IMPLY CONSEQUENCES)
MARY
But Peter used to be an agent with NORAD. Can’t you let one of your own go?
(SHIELD FROM CONSEQUENCES IN ADVANCE)
DASH
(to Peter)
Well, well. A fellow agent, huh?
(IMPLICATION)
DONNA
That doesn’t change the fact that he kidnapped Santa Claus. (rhyming) We have to follow LAWS, when it comes to Santa CLAUS.
(POETIC)
Dash laughs without thinking. Donna gives him a stare and he clams up.
MARY
If you don’t let him go, I’ll…I don’t know what I’ll do…I’ll call your boss!
(THREATEN THEM)
PETER
Mary. Stop. Don’t bother. They have to take me in.
(IMPLY HOPELESSNESS)
MARY
There must be someway…
(INDIRECT PREDICTIOIN)
Santa Claus comes jogging up.
SANTA
Ho! Ho! Ho!
DONNA
(excited)
Santa!
(INAPPROPRIATE REACTION)
SANTA
My dear Donna, so good to see you again. Dash, you still have that coal I gave you?
(IMPLICATION)
DASH
(embarrassed)
Hey Santa.
DONNA
(to Dash)
He remembers us!
Mary jogs over to Santa.
MARY
Santa, you must save Peter? They’re going to arrest him.
(WARNING)
SANTA
Don’t worry, Mary.
Santa goes to Donna and Dash and pulls them aside.
MARY
(to Peter)
Santa will get you out of this.
(DIRECT PREDICTION)
PETER
It’s none of your concern, Mar.
(WARNING)
MARY
Of course, it is! I was on that roof with you.
(METAPHOR)
JOSEPH
Mary, maybe he doesn’t want your help.
(CONFRONT SOMEONE HIDING FROM A FUTURE CONSEQUENCE)
MARY
Stay out of this, Joe!
(ATTACK BACK)
JOSEPH
Right.
(SARCASIM)
Santa, Donna, and Dash come back over.
SANTA
Peter, I explained that I was just helping you out. You didn’t kidnap me.
(PREVIOUS ACTION INCONGRUENT WITH WORDS)
Santa laughs heartily.
PETER
What?
SANTA
I explained that I was helping out a friend. I was counseling you by showing you what NOT to do.
(STRANGE CONCLUSION)
DASH
Yeah, that sounds suspicious.
(INSINUATION)
DONNA
Dash! You don’t question Santa’s honesty.
(ATTACK BACK)
Dash rolls his eyes.
SANTA
Peter, you are a courageous man who saved many lives. You deserve a break. I have convinced these kind agents to question you for their report and then let you go.
Santa holds out his arms and does a spin.
(CHARACTER TRAIT REVEAL – HOLDS OUT ARMS AND SPINS TO SHOW JOY)
PETER
Thank you, Santa.
Peter hugs Santa.
SANTA
(whispering in Peter’s ear)
The lady agent is rather smitten with me. Remember that the purpose of our lives is to bring joy to others.
(COMPLIMENT; POETIC)
Santa guffaws.
MARY
Oh! Thank you, Santa!
Mary hugs Santa too.
SANTA
Well…you’re welcome. Now. I must go. I have a remarkably busy schedule and I’m afraid I’m behind.
(HINT & COUNTDOWN)
Santa waves his arms and closes his eyes while repeating: Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen…
Suddenly, the soft jungle of bells can be heard in the distance.
When what should appear, but Santa’s sleigh led by Rudolph!
(TAKE IT TO THE EXTREME)
SANTA
Ho! Ho! Ho! Hello!
The reindeer and sleigh land in the snow.
PETER
Santa! You could have left at any time! Why did you stay with me?
SANTA
Peter, I’ve been trying to get through to you since you were a boy. And certainly, when you worked at the North Pole. You needed my help. I wasn’t in any danger. You have a big heart, Peter. Don’t forget to show it every day!
(CHALLENGE ISSUED)
Santa climbs up. As he snaps the reins, the reindeer start running and the sleigh takes flight!
SANTA
Merry Christmas to all!!
DONNA
Bye, Santa!!
Donna screams as though she saw a rock star.
(INAPPROPRIATE REACTION)
MARY
(to Peter)
What did he whisper in your ear?
PETER
(looking at the sky)
The purpose of our lives is to bring joy to others. Strangely, that made me feel like a Santa myself. (to Mary) Santa.
(EXPRESSION OF CHARACTER & ARC)
Because Mary is dressed as Santa. Mary and Peter smile at each other.
ANNIE LEE, Mary’s best friend, comes running up with VIOLET MILLS, Mary’s sister, TILLY MILLS, Mary’s sister, and RUTHIE WINTERS, Mary’s daughter, in tow. They just missed Santa Claus. Annie was watching Mary’s daughters during the It’s a Wonderful Life parade.
ANNIE
Mary! Mary! Peter!
MARY
Annie, What’s wrong?!
ANNIE
(breathing heavily)
I can’t find Janie! OMG!
VIOLET
(panicky)
She was with us at the parade and then poof! She was gone.
PETER
(to Donna and Dash)
Let me go! I have to find my daughter!!
DONNA
Hold on! We have to do our report.
MARY
Annie, you were supposed to watch her!
(ATTACK)
ANNIE
(crying)
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!
(IMPLY HOPELESSNESS)
MARY
Where was she last?
TILLY
She was with us in front of the library.
MARY
Ruthie, did you see which way she went?
RUTHIE
(sadly)
No mommy, I was watching the parade.
JOSEPH
We need to split up and spread out.
VIOLET
We’re wasting time!
JOSEPH
Violet, you go south down the street toward the community center. I’ll check on and around the bridge area. Ruthie, you go with Tilly to where you were standing, maybe she went back there.
(CHARACTER TRAIT REVEALED – A BOSS MAN)
VIOLET
Okay.
They all run off.
MARY
(to the agents)
Please!! Untie Peter! It’s his child!
(WRITE EMOTIONALLY)
DONNA
(to Peter)
Do you promise to come to the Clarence hotel at 10am tomorrow and give us your statement so we can do our report?
(IMPLY CONSEQUENCE)
PETER
I promise!
MARY
Thank you! He will be there!
(COUNTDOWN)
DONNA
Dash, remove the handcuffs.
DASH
But Donna…
DONNA
You heard Santa! (calming) We’ll just fill out the SC52 form temporarily.
(JARGON)
DASH
They’re not going to like this…but okay.
(CONTRADICTORY STATEMENT)
Dash uncuffs Peter.
Peter and Mary hug.
PETER
I’ll go home to see if she’s there.
MARY
I’m going to search Main Street.
Mary starts to run off.
PETER
Mary!
Mary turns around and runs into Peter’s arms. She lays a big kiss on him.
PETER (CONTINUED)
(stunned)
Thank you! For everything…
Mary shakes her head yes. There’s a moment when they stare into each other’s eyes. Then reality sets in. Mary and Peter run off in different directions.
(WRITE EMOTIONALLY)
DASH
(teasing)
What happened to “We have to follow LAWS, when it comes to Santa CLAUS.”?
(CIRCULAR DIALOGUE)
DONNA
We are following Santa’s laws.
(JUSTIFICATION)
Donna smiles. Dash smiles.
DONNA
Come on, I’ll buy you a beer at Martini’s.
(STRANGE CONCLUSION)
Donna and Dash get into the car and slowly drive off. Donna can be heard singing “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. (CHARACTER TRAIT—SINGING CHRISTMAS SONGS)
FADE OUT
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Hey Lisa!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Hi Cam!
I was away for the holiday, but I would love to exchange feedback. I’ll critique yours now.
Thanks!
Lisa
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Hey Lisa!
Here’s what I loved about your scene!
This is delightfully adorable. The NORAD agents acting like little kids in Santa’s presence is a money shot moment, and makes this scene. “We have to follow laws, when it comes to Santa Claus” is instantly quotable.
“Come on. I’ll buy you a beer at Martini’s” is another great line. Dash and Donna are amazing, and I want to see them on future adventures.
I know I gushed over Dash and Donna, but the dialogue for the other characters works really well also. Mary’s desperation and negotiating contrasts well with Peter’s loss of hope, which sets the stage perfectly for Santa coming in to lift Peter up and give him a second chance. The four different dimensions these characters are operating from is a great structure to work with, and makes for an easy to follow scene filled with conflict.
What I have questions about…
I know this isn’t dialogue related, but the film ending on a cliffhanger involving a missing child seems like a major tonal shift from the optimistic, hopeful exchange that preceded it, especially when it’s one of those tragedies that can break a family. In IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE, the film’s theme is expressed through the action of everyone who George helped coming together to give back to him in his time of need. It’s an expression of the film’s theme on Karma and the value a person’s life has on those around him/her. As far as this film’s theme is concerned, as expressed through the line “The purpose of our lives is to bring joy to others,” is there a way that can be expressed through Mary and Peter’s actions? Mary seems to express it by becoming Santa, even if only temporary. I wonder if there’s a way for Peter to better express this theme? One idea is a reversal of the way IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE ends: where George was relieved from facing the consequences of his uncle’s incompetence, Peter could still be taken into custody, whether by NORAD or Santa, and choose to use that as an opportunity to bring joy to others in spite of his circumstances. If that’s too much, Peter can be shown going to the questioning, but bringing donuts and coffee and making the agents laugh (bringing them joy), or donning his own Santa costume for his kids on Christmas day, showing he’s taken Santa’s words to heart. I think something along those lines may better serve the theme and tone this story seems to be going for.
I want to thank you again for your awesome feedback. I think your story has amazing potential to be a holiday classic, especially if you lean into the IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE inspiration and play with its structure and themes to find ways your script dances with the film it’s based its setting on.
Cam
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Hi Cam,
You are great at critiquing! I thank you for the kind words. And I love your suggestions for linking it all back to IAWF. I will work on Peter. The missing child is to prolong the story and give Mary and Peter a catalyst to end up together. Which I am re-working because I had Mary ending up with Joseph previously. I’ve had a change of heart because I think the audience will want Mary and Peter to reunite in the end. I wanted to avoid the fairytale ending, but I think it may be a must in this type of movie.
Again, I thank you for the thoughtful feedback. You’ve given me support and hope for the future of my story. Can’t wait to read more of yours!
Lisa
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Lisa, would you like to exchange feedback. I am writing a Christmas script. Chevy Chase has nothing on me. 🙂
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Day 10 (Advanced Dialogue) Anita’s Kick-Ass Dialogue!
What I learned: This scene became so much more than I initially envisioned. It now has a lot more drama, a lot more punch. Thanks for all the good dialogue skills with which to work with!
Cyrus – Superiority Complex / A Literal Judge
Narcissist
Hypocrite
Manipulative
Workaholic
Harley – Illegitimate Daughter
Amoral
Intelligent
Self-confident
Twisted
Karen – Cyrus’s Wife
Materialistic
Social-Climber
Self-absorbed
Acerbic
SCENARIO:
Narcissistic, workaholic Cyrus interacts with his now a teenager (the age of his kids helps show the passage of time) illustrating how his priority is his career, not his family. Cyrus doesn’t know about Harley’s existence (thinks Danica had an abortion) but his own son also displays Harley’s attitudes and cruelty – which we’ve seen earlier – his offspring both having a genetic disposition toward meanness.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus is in his home office going over case files. He’s distracted by SCREAMS AND LOUD SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC coming from the other room.
He gets up, annoyed, to check out the blaring interruption.
Cyrus’ son, PATRICK, age 15, is propped on his elbows watching a particularly gruesome scene from some slice-and-dice horror movie.
He’s totally engrossed, and doesn’t flinch even a bit from the life-sized carnage happening before his eyes.
CYRUS
Patrick!
The tall young man, who mirrors his father’s good looks, doesn’t look up.
CYRUS (CONT’D)
PATRICK!
Still not moving a muscle –
PATRICK
What!?
Cyrus’ wife Karen walks in. She is perfectly put together (as usual) carrying multiple hangared clothes draped over her arm, new price tags dangling.
KAREN
What is going on in here?
CYRUS
(shouting over TV)
Your son is driving me up the wall with this noise! I’m trying to get some work done!
KAREN
(sighs)
What else is new?
CYRUS
Do you have a problem with my work? Or should I back off and reduce my fucking salary – which keeps you in the fashion to which you are accustomed?
He waves his arm at her recently purchased outfits.
Karen carefully lays the clothes over the back of the plush sofa.
KAREN
(also shouting over TV)
No Cyrus, I don’t have a problem with your work. But when you bring it home every night –
PATRICK
(also shouting)
Hey! I live here too! And I’m watching something!
Cyrus plucks the remote from the sofa and turns the TV off.
The silence is a blessed reprieve.
PATRICK (CONT’D)
What the fuck!?
CYRUS
Patrick! Watch your language!
PATRICK
Right. I only learned by example, dad.
CYRUS
You know that crap you’re watching is no way to feed your psyche – can’t you find something constructive to do!?
PATRICK
Like work!? Like spending all my waking hours with my head in a book, or my head up other people’s asses like my dear father? I don’t need to listen to this crap!
Patrick storms out of the room.
KAREN
Patrick!
Turns on Cyrus.
KAREN (CONT’D)
He’s right you know! Do as I say, not as I do –
CYRUS
Yeah, well here’s one for you – what you feed grows, what you starve, dies! Your son is turning into a lazy snotty kid with a twisted appetite!
KAREN
My son? Not our son!? See Cyrus, that’s the crux of the problem, right there! He needs TWO parents. And lately, he’s only had ONE.
CYRUS
Maybe not even that Karen. How much of your day is spent either at the club or shopping!
KAREN
To quote our son – who was quoting you – I don’t have to take this CRAP!
Scooping up her clothes she too storms out of the room.
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Hi Anita,
I love the at-home location and set up- and the introduction to his wife and son. This is great insight into Cyrus by way of his home-life and enriches your script. Terrific.
The scene mentions that the son was mostly raised by Karen- because Cyrus is so detached. If so, this argument would’ve happened many times in the past, but it plays as if this is the first time they’ve confronted this issue. All three of the characters are at “10” and stay at that level. The dynamic could have a lot more variety and bounce.
Does Karen want to stay in this relationship for the goodies? Does she want Cyrus otherwise? Or
does she feel justified to spend too much to penalize the man who ignores her and is neglectful of Patrick? If this is an argument that has repeated, would Karen take another approach? For example, Cyrus is used to getting his way, he’s a controlling, power fiend so what if Karen’s attitude is that he’s just a marshmallow that she doesn’t take seriously? Likewise, Patrick. If they have a ‘who cares? blah blah blah” attitude, it would make Cyrus livid.
On the flip side- if Karen controls the home turf, would Cyrus feel he has to take a softer tone to appease his villagers? They attack him and back him into a corner? That would be a dramatic reflection on his gross behavior in court.
I love the addition to the script. Keep on with your important and interesting story. June
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Thanks June!
All good food for thought. There are other scenes about Cyrus and his family that hopefully flesh out some of these dynamics for the viewer.
Basically he uses them as props, and ultimately Karen leaves him.
I appreciate your input and will factor it in when I take another run at this!
Best,
Anita
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Anita –
This family rings true! I knew a family like this. The husband and wife led separate lives, just like Cyrus and Karen. They have divergent interests. His work and her shopping. It’s a great scene.
Patrick is a good reflection of his parents’ lack of interest their family. Neither one is concerned about Patrick other than how he impacts them. Lazy, entitled, and more interested with TV than the argument. His leaving the room to avoid the conflict is perfect. His anti-social behavior is his way of punishing his parents.
There is a lot beneath the surface you can explore here:
Did Cyrus and Karen want to have Patrick? It seems like they’re so self-absorbed they wouldn’t what children. Especially if Cyrus pushed Danica to have an abortion. And does Patrick know it?
And did Cyrus seek a physical relationship with Danica because of his failed relationship with Karen? I can see his affair with Danica being one-sided, that she fulfills his sexual needs — the same way Karen did — until she gets pregnant. He’s repeating the same narcissistic pattern.
This is a family in a hell of their own making.
June makes some very good points, too. This is a rich area to explore.
This sounds like a great drama. It’s probably fun to write, too. Good luck. I’ll be interested to see where you take the story.
Dana
PS – I do have one hint. Your scene starts with Cyrus in his office (INT. CYRUS HOME – EVENING) and moves to Patrick watching TV without changing the location.
You may want to identify scene location to help the reader/producer. For example –
INT. HOME OFFICE, CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus is in his home office going over case files. He’s distracted by SCREAMS AND LOUD SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC coming from the other room.
He gets up, annoyed, to check out the blaring interruption.
INT. LIVING ROOM, CYRUS’S HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus’ son, PATRICK, age 15, is propped on his elbows watching a particularly gruesome scene from some slice-and-dice horror movie.
-
Thanks for your notes Dana. It’s gratifying to know that what I hoped to convey actually comes through. Yes, this family is indeed in a hell of their own making… prioritizing appearances over true family bonds, Cyrus only uses his wife and kids as props when it suits his career. Harley (the illegitimate daughter) is truly twisted and I wanted this scene to echo some others with her in them. And it has been fun to write these characters – mostly because they are pretty far afield from my usual suspects.
Thanks for the reminder to add appropriate slug lines!
I know I want to go back through so many previously written scenes now to tweak the dialogue. This was a good module for me.
All the best,
Anita
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Cameron Martin’s Kick-Ass Dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is…Don’t just make every line sing with character or cultivate a pulse pounding debate. Dialogue has to coincide with and inform the direction of the scene as much as action. The function of a scene or arc, starting from one polarity and ending at another, still has to be in play, and the dialogue has to reflect that as well. I realize this is more about story structure than dialogue, per se, but I think the important takeaway is that “Kick-Ass” dialogue can only be elevated so far as the scene can be elevated. After pass after pass of these scenes, I realized the fundamental problem was that Sully and Jude pretty much stayed in the exact same place (conflict wise) as when they began. There was no real dimension beyond the differences between their characters. Jude’s arc required a shift in perspective. I don’t think with all the exposition requirements and page limitations (tried keeping this limited to 15 pages) that I can make the two characters “like” each other, but I can shift Sully’s perspective to the “respect” category. Maybe if I decided Jude should play a larger role in the story, I can spare the time to devote more to Sully’s and her relationship. For now, at least, the evolution of Sully going from untrusting, to argumentative, to grateful, to opportunistic, to mournful allows for more of his character traits to be expressed.
————————
Sully: Doctor and Reluctant Father
Inventive
Loving
Controlling
Haunted
Isaiah: Aspie obsessed with Aliens
Obsessive
Focussed
Fact Checker
Super Intelligent
Jude: Hegemony Spy
Undercover
Blue Collar
Deadly
Motherly
Setup:
This is the Jude subplot that occurs just after Sully and Isaiah escape to their apartment from the initial wave of alien worms. Throughout this plot, Jude takes in Sully and Isaiah into her apartment, helps to ward off alien worms, admits to being a government spy and to being infected, ultimately requiring the people she saved to kill her.
——————————
(NOTE: I realize this is a lot. Please feel free to skip to any one scene and review just that scene. I’m grateful for any feedback given.)
INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
SULLY and ISAIAH run into their apartment.
Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.
Sully SLAMS the door and LOCKS the bolt shut.
BAM! The door is like a drum, and whatever is on the other side is a Metal band percussionist. BAM! BAM! BAM!
Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the BANGING door.
Behind them, a subtle sound chimes in – something clinking…cracking…coming from Isaiah’s room.
ISAIAH
Dad, I’m really sorry.
SULLY
Just stay behind me.
ISAIAH
I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.
SULLY
And just who have you been helping?
THE CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING.
ISAIAH
He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.
IT slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, a MONSTER OF A WORM.
Isaiah sidesteps away, as the worm is drawn to the viscous BANGING at the front door.
ISAIAH
(whispering)
Just do what I do. The banging—
Before Isaiah can finish, the latch on the door audibly snaps.
SULLY
(Grabbing Isaiah)
Get behind me!
Sully football carries his son into his room…
Kicking the door closed on the way…before stumbling, son in arms, to the foot of his bed.
The DRUMMING continues on the Sully’s door…as Isaiah’s pet worm SQUEEZES underneath the door.
Sully and Isaiah crawl around…and crouch lower and lower behind the couch. Sully cranes his neck to look behind him.
A feeling of MUCUS FLOWS onto the crown of Sully’s head. Oh shit. Don’t move.
The sharp serrated TEETH brush along his HAIR…the warm, damp THING investigates his EAR…in his peripheral, the dark wet SLUG, intimate with Sully’s CHEEKS.
Sully holds his breath. The slug brushes against Sully’s MOUTH. Its teeth make an incision at his NOSE — Sully PUFFS OUT a breath of air!
THE WORM RECOILS BACK!
Sully slams his eyes shut. This is it.
BANG! BANG! WHIZ! PAST SULLY’S EAR! Two heavy bodies HIT THE FLOOR.
Sully opens his eyes, witnessing…
The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies…
And at her feet are both the dead worm – its head blown clean off – and the host missing half its neck.
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.
Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a REVOLVER PISTOL. Very illegal and a sliver of silver smoke leaking from the gun’s barrel.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context.
JUDE
And what is that context, deer-heart?
ISAIAH
My experiment—
SULLY
You’re what?—
ISAIAH
Tried to eat us.
SULLY
We still need to discuss your choices, son.
JUDE
Would you like to waste time here, or come home with me?
SULLY
Are you going to feed us milk and cookies?
ISAIAH
I don’t think that’s what she’s asking, Dad.
Sully shoots Isaiah a look – No shit, Sherlock.
JUDE
You can try your luck in the wilderness, or you take roost in the stable, deer heart.
SULLY
I’m sorry, I must’ve missed something. Who are you?
JUDE
Let’s skip the formalities, sweet thing. All you need to know is I’m the one who’s going to keep your son alive…just a little longer.
SULLY
And why should we trust you?
JUDE
Well, I see your little one is missing someone—
SULLY
Don’t.
JUDE
And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.
Sully shoots fire from his eyes.
SULLY
I would die to protect him.
JUDE
Yes, you will.
Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.
JUDE
(turning around)
Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time. And yes, I do have some milk and cookies.
Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.
SULLY
Come on. Keep holding my hand.
ISAIAH
Hey, Dad?
No response.
ISAIAH
I don’t blame you.
SULLY
Not right now, son.
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT
Jude tiptoes past the bloody hallway like a cat across a wet floor.
Sully and Isaiah cover their noses close behind her, shuffling against a wall…So as not to step over the DEAD BODY laying across from WALL TO WALL.
ISAIAH
A lot of people missed out on the bunker.
SULLY
(to Jude)
How much further, stable hand?
JUDE
Shush, now. You know crazy ladies are never convenient.
ISAIAH
Is this normal? For people to be left out of the bunker?
SULLY
Don’t ask when you already know the answer.
Behind them, UNSEEN…
A worm slithers out of a grate…and INTO THE MOUTH of the CORPSE on the ground.
The trio hears the cadaver spasm…and turn to see the mouth start to break from the face and skull.
JUDE
(taking aim at the reanimating zombie)
It’s okay, deer heart.
More worms start to slither and leak out of the vents.
Jude puts her gun down.
JUDE
(turning around to run)
But as one shepherd said to the other, let’s get the flock out of here.
Sully and Isaiah pick up the pace and run behind Jude, as a wave of slimy death gives chase.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jude ushers in Sully and Isaiah through the front door, before SLAMMING it on the host attacking them.
Sully takes note of the walls, WASHED WITH PAINT OVER SEVERAL DOCUMENTS, NOTES, and PICTURES, like something ILLEGAL was being HIDDEN.
Before the question of “WHY” enters his brain, Jude leads him and Isaiah to the BACK ROOM…
BACK ROOM
Inside Sully finds a fully stocked TOOL ROOM – both MANUEL and POWER TOOLS dress the walls, with a WORKBENCH and SINK.
JUDE
Make yourself useful, sweetie. I know you have a way with tools.
SULLY
(pointing to a corner)
Isaiah, get over there and stay there.
ISAIAH
But—
SULLY
No—
ISAIAH
I can—
SULLY
NOW!
Isaiah slinks over to the corner, watching…
His dad takes TWO ELECTRIC NAILERS off of the wall…LOAD the charged batteries and rows of nails into both…and DUCT TAPE the TWO NAILERS to a BASEBALL BAT…TAPING DOWN the TRIGGERS in the process.
Sully tests his new weapon by tapping the bat to the desk – The second the SAFETY PINS on the tips of the nailers hit, they both FIRE NAILS DEEP into the desk.
JUDE
I had a feeling you’d know what to do, considering your background.
Meanwhile, Jude pulls out a part of the wall and presses her hand into a scan. What slides out from the wall are two clips for her gun.
ISAIAH
Guns aren’t allowed.
JUDE
(loading the weapon)
Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.
A loud CRACK sounds off from the front door. Heavy breathing and slithering make the aliens’ presence known from the hallway.
Jude takes aim…
A worm slithers just passed the door—
BLAM! Jude hits it square in the head.
A dozen worms slither in on top of each other—
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Jude doesn’t miss a single shot! BLAM! BLAM! Out of ammo…
Sully charges in, swinging like a barbarian, literally nailing the worms and host with his bat.
Isaiah watches, his eyes shifting back and forth between the aliens and his “protectors.” Finally, having enough, Isaiah looks around and finds a can of paint thinner.
He grabs the thinner, cracks it open with a screwdriver, and runs with it for the door.
SULLY
Isaiah! Stay back!
Isaiah ignores his dad, chucking out a splash of paint thinner on the door frame…which acts like a force field, pushing the worms out from the epicenter of the splash.
Isaiah keeps marching toward the swarm, dumping thinner over the floors with each step, careful to not splash any on the aliens.
With each step and pour, the worms are repelled further and further from the conflict…
A hand GRABS Isaiah’s shoulder…
And pulls him back…to Sully.
ISAIAH
Stop it!
SULLY
I said to stay behind! Stay safe!
Above the two, the ceiling creaks…
Isaiah tosses a torrent of the thinner…splashing it all over the ceiling…and having it rain back down on them.
Isaiah…looking up…GETS THINNER INTO HIS EYES!
HE SCREAMS – BLIND!
As a worm slides up his leg—
Jude takes aim—
CLICK. Out of ammo!
The worm wraps itself around Isaiah’s throat…
Before Sully RIPS it off his son, hurling it at the wall.
JUDE
Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose!
Sully picks up his screaming child and throws his bat at the worms…SPRINTING BACK into the shop.
The worms hesitate at the puddle of thinner…
Giving Jude enough time to reload. She FIRES again. BLAM! BLAM!
ISAIAH
(wiping the thinner out of his eyes)
You’ll never take me alive!
Meanwhile, Sully holds his son under the shop’s sink faucet, spraying water full blast into his son’s eyes to wash the thinner out.
SULLY
You could’ve been obsessed with dinosaurs or left handed historical figures. Something that can’t kill us. Something DEAD!
Isaiah
Mom would’ve listened to me! I’m just a pest to you! Just like THEM!
Sully pulls his son out from the sink, trying to check his son’s bloodshot eyes.
Isaiah squirms free and runs toward the door again…
But Sully pulls him back.
ISAIAH
LET ME GO!
SULLY
Of all the things for you to be obsessed with, why THEM!? Why something that kills!? Something that KILLED YOUR MOTHER!?
ISAIAH
Because I’m not scared of them anymore, like you still are!
Sully pushes Isaiah down to the corner.
SULLY
Just do what I say. That’s how we’re going to get through this. No more fighting. No more. Just shut up, and do what what you’re told.
And with that, Sully runs back to exterminate the rest of the worms with Jude.
LATER
Isaiah sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.
Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.
JUDE
Thank you, deer heart. I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’d ever get all this done without such a hard working man around.
SULLY
It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.
JUDE
Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.
SULLY
Hence the grandma routine, I take it.
JUDE
You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of rebels with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.
SULLY
What kind of grandmother are you?
JUDE
Your friendly neighborhood variety.
SULLY
Okay, I’ve had enough. You know me well enough to trust me in a tool room. I don’t know you, and I don’t trust you. So, lets fix that. Who the hell are you?
ISAIAH (O.S.)
You have one in its metamorphosis?
Jude and Sully look to Isaiah, who’s holding a GLASS BOX with a hand slot and what looks to be the HEAD of an alien worm with FUNGAL SHOOTS spiring out of it.
Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.
ISAIAH
I always hypothesized this life cycle, but I never thought I’d see it!
SULLY
(to Jude)
Family recipe?
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
Hasn’t your daddy taught you it’s impolite to go snooping through people’s things? You’re lucky you remind me of someone.
Jude takes the heavy tank from Isaiah…and carries it over to the counter. There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a LIGHTER, before putting her hand through the slot…
And LIGHTING the fungal worm-head ABLAZE.
ISAIAH
No! What’d ya do that for?
SULLY
Whatever it is she’s done, the worms are obviously the least of her worries.
(to Jude)
Drop the act. You’re about as convincing as…well, let’s use your terms – a stick painting itself orange and calling itself a carrot.
Jude takes a deep breath. Oh what the hell.
JUDE
If it makes you happy to know, I’m a Hegemony Intelligence Agent. A spy, if you will.
Sully makes an “Oh shit!” face, grabs Isaiah and makes a break for his bat.
Jude pulls out her pistol and SHOOTS at his feet with the attitude of swatting a fly, stopping Sully in his tracks.
JUDE
I’m sick of watching you cart that poor boy around like you have a say in what happens to him.
Sully puts the dots together.
SULLY
You don’t care that we know?
JUDE
At this point, my superiors care about you the same way a horse cares about where it shits.
(observing the burning remains of the head)
But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, these things are better left forgotten.
SULLY
It must be so easy for people like you to forget. Some of us can’t just light a match, and poof – No more evidence.
Something about Sully’s accusation cuts deep. Jude dismantles her revolver…
JUDE
(placing each piece in the fire)
Yep. Just that easy.
SULLY
Great. That’s great. Real helpful for when we need to get out of here.
JUDE
Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of here alive.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – night
Sully checks the perimeter, looking for any chance of a breach, while Jude sits with Isaiah as he adds to his notebook, eating milk and cookies.
JUDE
This is an impressive notebook. Your daddy know about this?
ISAIAH
No. He wouldn’t understand.
Sully turns at the sting of his son’s words.
ISAIAH
Um, miss?
JUDE
You can call me Jude, deer heart.
ISAIAH
Jude, did you really mean it when you said we wouldn’t make it out alive?
Jude considers her next words, as Isaiah’s question draws Sully’s interest as well.
JUDE
Listen. I don’t know much, but I know your daddy’s going to fight through hell itself to keep you safe.
ISAIAH
That didn’t answer my question.
Sully wants to retort, but stops himself.
JUDE
Yes, and your a smart thing. I’ll give you that. The truth is…Do you know why your daddy jumped when he realized I was a spy?
Isaiah shakes his head.
JUDE
(starting to cough)
Well, once upon a time your daddy was a proud tamed horse, prancing and happy. But now he’s this bucking bronco. To him, “Rules” is just another word for “obstacles.” Something happened that made him lose his way…
SULLY
I think that’s the end of story time.
JUDE
But you know something? I’m jealous of your daddy. There’s still something majestic about seeing something wild and free.
SULLY
Jude.
JUDE
Something I could never be for my little one.
(lets it sink in)
You see your daddy can take on anything on account of you. Me, well, I’ll never be able to be that strong for my Clair, because I’m from that hell your daddy’s persistent in fighting. I can’t know anything beyond it. But you just might.
With that assurance, Isaiah allows a feeling of calmness.
JUDE
(getting up)
I see we’re almost out of our stash.
(coughing)
Just give me a second, sweet thing. I think I have more.
Sully follows Jude into the kitchen, as she organizes cookies onto a plate.
SULLY
(whispering)
Thanks—
JUDE
(whispering)
Don’t. I honestly hate your guts, and if you didn’t have your little boy here…
She turns and coughs, but tries to smile toward Isaiah.
JUDE
Ah, I have just a few left.
SULLY
Hey, Jude?
Jude turns around.
SULLY
Thanks for your help. You make a wonderful grandmother.
Jude lets out another cough, unsure of how to take Sully’s complement.
JUDE
(shifting back to Isaiah)
Now, what’s this you’re working on.
Realization washes over Isaiah’s face.
ISAIAH
Jude, how long have you been infected?
Sully hurries over to Isaiah, holding him and creating a barrier between him and Jude.
JUDE
Coughing gave it away, huh?
ISAIAH
It’s that dry cough. Do you have an inhaler? Anything that can keep the lungs moist?
SULLY
Isaiah, now’s not the time.
ISAIAH
We can add to that time! They won’t hatch until—
JUDE
Your daddy’s right. We’re outside the bunker in an outbreak. There’re rules intended to keep everyone safe.
ISAIAH
But, Jude. There’s a way. We just have to keep your lungs hydrated long enough. We can get a humidifier and get you plenty of water—
JUDE
And then what? You’d still have to get the eggs out. But, you use those smarts to help your daddy out. Maybe you two can get out of this.
Jude pulls out a syringe from her pocket, not dissimilar from the one Dr. Mick used in an earlier scene.
JUDE
As for me. I don’t want to ruin a good thing.
INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Jude coughs throughout this scene like she has marbles in her lungs.
Sully takes the syringe Jude hands him. Isaiah, gears in his head working triple time to figure a way out of this.
JUDE
I just wanted it to end something different.
SULLY
Before I do this—
JUDE
Please. It hurts.
ISAIAH
She needs moisture! Her lungs are dry!
JUDE
No. No time. Please make it stop.
Sully looks to his son, then back to Jude.
SULLY
Tell me why you’re hear first.
JUDE
You stubborn mule.
SULLY
If you were here for me or any other colonist, you wouldn’t hold back. You were sent here for something else. What was it?
JUDE
Do you want “the truth” or your son?
Jude can’t speak anymore.
ISAIAH
Dad?
Sully looks at his son.
SULLY
Look away, Isaiah.
Sully pumps the shot DEEP into Jude’s back.
The convulsing body all at once relaxes.
Isaiah looks away, sobbing, as Sully closes Jude’s eyes.
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FOR CAMERON from Anna
Yes, of course, honored to do the critique.
Firstly, it is a very engaging piece and now I think I need a Gravol or two, as I detest worms! It’s riveting and awfully horrific. Just what the audience wants.
Here are some bits and bob I picked as scrutinizing the work. Junk and ignore if so motivated. I am no expert in this genre, though I do love Jurrasic Park, Arrival, etc.
or you take roost in the stable, deer heart
This phrase may be a bit convoluted for the audience to grab. Also, I think you mean dear not deer unless you are referring to an indigenous totem animal, and the boy has those qualities?
But as one shepherd said to the other, let’s get the flock out of here
Very funny.
WASHED WITH PAINT OVER SEVERAL DOCUMENTS, NOTES, and PICTURES, like something ILLEGAL <font color=”#4d5c6d” face=”SF UI Text, sans-serif”>
</font>Wondering what’s going on in the studio here. Is this like the wall of clues Sherlock uses in Elementary? If so, perhaps make this clear.
both MANUEL and POWER TOOLS dress the walls, with a WORKBENCH and SINK.
I am guessing that a person called Manuel is not a person who arranged the tools? (manual)
Jude pulls out a part of the wall and presses her hand into a scan. What slides out from the wall are two clips for her gun.
Is this about using a 3D printer? Maybe they will need a replica on set when you make the movie.
You’ll never take me alive!
Everything in your script has originality Is there another way you might like to say this which is not a cliche. Though cliches sometimes work really well.
Isaiah sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.
What is the notebook about? Have we been introduced to the notebook before in the movie?
Sounds like it might be important.
You have one in its metamorphosis? I had to read through twice in context to get it.
I’ll never be able to be that strong for my Clair because I’m from that hell your daddy’s persistent in fighting. I can’t know anything beyond it. But you just might. Convoluted, TMI can this be made dramatic and simple?
Hatching. Thought this could be brilliant with the right visuals.
I thought that the piece read like a good punt to be made into a movie. Your granny person is a bit sugary. Grannies can kick ass while being loving/nurturing at the same time. It’s original, congratulations.
Feel free to cut mine up! Warm regards Anna
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Cameron Martin’s Kick-Ass Dialogue! (V.2)
Sully: Doctor and Reluctant Father
Inventive
Loving
Controlling
Haunted
Isaiah: Aspie obsessed with Aliens
Obsessive
Focussed
Fact Checker
Super Intelligent
Jude: Hegemony Spy
Undercover
Blue Collar
Deadly
Motherly
Setup:
This is the Jude subplot that occurs just after Sully and Isaiah escape to their apartment from the initial wave of alien worms. Throughout this plot, Jude takes in Sully and Isaiah into her apartment, helps to ward off alien worms, admits to being a government spy and to being infected, ultimately requiring the people she saved to kill her.
——————————
(NOTE: I realize this is a lot. Please feel free to skip to any one scene and review just that scene. I’m grateful for any feedback given.)
INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Sully and Isaiah run into their apartment.
Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.
Sully SLAMS the door and LOCKS the bolt shut.
BAM! The door is like a drum, and whatever is on the other side is a Metal band percussionist. BAM! BAM! BAM!
Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the BANGING door.
Behind them, a subtle sound chimes in – something clinking…cracking…coming from Isaiah’s room.
ISAIAH
Dad, I’m really sorry.
SULLY
Just stay behind me.
ISAIAH
I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.
SULLY
And just who have you been helping?
THE CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING.
ISAIAH
He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.
IT slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, a MONSTER OF A WORM.
Isaiah sidesteps away, as the worm is drawn to the viscous BANGING at the front door.
ISAIAH
(whispering)
Just do what I do. The banging—
Before Isaiah can finish, the latch on the door audibly snaps.
SULLY
(Grabbing Isaiah)
Get behind me!
Sully football carries his son into his room…
Kicking the door closed on the way…before stumbling, son in arms, to the foot of his bed.
The DRUMMING continues on the Sully’s door…as Isaiah’s pet worm SQUEEZES underneath the door.
Sully and Isaiah crawl around…and crouch lower and lower behind the couch. Sully cranes his neck to look behind him.
A feeling of MUCUS FLOWS onto the crown of Sully’s head. Oh shit. Don’t move.
The sharp serrated TEETH brush along his HAIR…the warm, damp THING investigates his EAR…in his peripheral, the dark wet SLUG, intimate with Sully’s CHEEKS.
Sully holds his breath. The slug brushes against Sully’s MOUTH. Its teeth make an incision at his NOSE — Sully PUFFS OUT a breath of air!
THE WORM RECOILS BACK!
Sully slams his eyes shut. This is it.
BANG! BANG! WHIZ! PAST SULLY’S EAR! Two heavy bodies HIT THE FLOOR.
Sully opens his eyes, witnessing…
The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies…
And at her feet are both the dead worm – its head blown clean off – and the host missing half its neck.
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.
Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a REVOLVER PISTOL. Very illegal and a sliver of silver smoke leaking from the gun’s barrel.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context.
JUDE
And what is that context, dear-heart?
ISAIAH
My experiment—
SULLY
You’re what?—
ISAIAH
Tried to eat us.
SULLY
We still need to discuss your choices, son.
JUDE
Would you like to waste time here, or come home with me?
SULLY
Are you going to feed us milk and cookies?
ISAIAH
I don’t think that’s what she’s asking, Dad.
Sully shoots Isaiah a look – No shit, Sherlock.
JUDE
Who do you trust more? These bloodthirsty parasites, or the crazy old lady from down the hall? It’s your call, dear-heart.
SULLY
I’m sorry, I must’ve missed something. Who are you?
JUDE
Let’s skip the formalities, sweet thing. All you need to know is I’m the one who’s going to keep your son alive…just a little longer.
SULLY
And why should we trust you?
JUDE
Well, I see your little one is missing someone—
SULLY
Don’t.
JUDE
And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.
Sully shoots fire from his eyes.
SULLY
I would die to protect him.
JUDE
Yes, you will.
Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.
JUDE
(turning around)
Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time. And yes, I do have some milk and cookies.
Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.
SULLY
Come on. Keep holding my hand.
ISAIAH
Hey, Dad?
No response.
ISAIAH
I don’t blame you.
SULLY
Not right now, son.
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT
Jude tiptoes past the bloody hallway like a cat across a wet floor.
Sully and Isaiah, who’s still holding onto his backpack, cover their noses close behind her, shuffling against a wall…So as not to step over the DEAD BODY laying across from WALL TO WALL.
ISAIAH
A lot of people missed out on the bunker.
SULLY
(to Jude)
How much further, stable hand?
JUDE
Shush, now. You know crazy ladies are never convenient.
ISAIAH
Is this normal? For people to be left out of the bunker?
SULLY
Don’t ask when you already know the answer.
Behind them, UNSEEN…
A worm slithers out of a grate…and INTO THE MOUTH of the CORPSE on the ground.
The trio hears the cadaver spasm…and turn to see the mouth start to break from the face and skull.
JUDE
(taking aim at the reanimating zombie)
It’s okay, dear-heart.
More worms start to slither and leak out of the vents.
Jude puts her gun down.
JUDE
(turning around to run)
But as one shepherd said to the other, lets get the flock out of here.
Sully and Isaiah pick up the pace and run behind Jude, as a wave of slimy death gives chase.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jude ushers in Sully and Isaiah through the front door, before SLAMMING it on the host attacking them.
Sully takes note of Jude’s apartment: a chamber of clues WASHED AWAY with PAINT, like something ILLEGAL was being HIDDEN.
Before the question of “WHY” enters his brain, Jude leads him and Isaiah to the BACK ROOM…
BACK ROOM
Inside Sully finds a fully stocked TOOL ROOM – both MANUAL and POWER TOOLS dress the walls, with a WORKBENCH and SINK.
JUDE
Make yourself useful, sweetie. I know you have a way with tools.
SULLY
(pointing to a corner)
Isaiah, get over there and stay there.
ISAIAH
But—
SULLY
No—
ISAIAH
(pulling a spiral notebook from his backpack)
I can—
SULLY
NOW!
Isaiah slinks over to the corner, watching…
His dad takes TWO ELECTRIC NAILERS off of the wall…LOAD the charged batteries and rows of nails into both…and DUCT TAPE the TWO NAILERS to a BASEBALL BAT…TAPING DOWN the TRIGGERS in the process.
Sully tests his new weapon by tapping the bat to the desk – The second the SAFETY PINS on the tips of the nailers hit, they both FIRE NAILS DEEP into the desk.
JUDE
I had a feeling you’d know what to do, considering your background.
Meanwhile, Jude pulls out a box of .429 caliber rounds, and loads each one into her revolver.
ISAIAH
Guns aren’t allowed.
JUDE
(loading the weapon)
Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.
A loud CRACK sounds off from the front door. Heavy breathing and slithering make the aliens’ presence known from the hallway.
Jude takes aim…
A worm slithers just passed the door—
BLAM! Jude hits it square in the head.
A dozen worms slither in on top of each other—
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Jude doesn’t miss a single shot! BLAM! BLAM! Out of ammo…
Sully charges in, swinging like a barbarian, literally nailing the worms and host with his bat.
Isaiah watches, his eyes shifting back and forth between the aliens and his “protectors.” Finally, having enough, Isaiah looks around and finds a can of paint thinner.
He grabs the thinner, cracks it open with a screwdriver, and runs with it for the door.
SULLY
Isaiah! Stay back!
Isaiah ignores his dad, chucking out a splash of paint thinner on the door frame…which acts like a force field, pushing the worms out from the epicenter of the splash.
Isaiah keeps marching toward the swarm, dumping thinner over the floors with each step, careful to not splash any on the aliens.
With each step and pour, the worms are repelled further and further from the conflict…
A hand GRABS Isaiah’s shoulder…
And pulls him back…to Sully.
ISAIAH
Stop it!
SULLY
I said to stay behind! Stay safe!
Above the two, the ceiling creaks…
Isaiah tosses a torrent of the thinner…splashing it all over the ceiling…and having it rain back down on them.
Isaiah…looking up…GETS THINNER INTO HIS EYES!
HE SCREAMS – BLIND!
As a worm slides up his leg—
Jude takes aim—
CLICK. Out of ammo!
The worm wraps itself around Isaiah’s throat…
Before Sully RIPS it off his son, hurling it at the wall.
JUDE
Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose!
Sully picks up his screaming child and throws his bat at the worms…SPRINTING BACK into the shop.
The worms hesitate at the puddle of thinner…
Giving Jude enough time to reload. She FIRES again. BLAM! BLAM!
ISAIAH
(wiping the thinner out of his eyes)
You’ll never take me alive!
Meanwhile, Sully holds his son under the shop’s sink faucet, spraying water full blast into his son’s eyes to wash the thinner out.
SULLY
You could’ve been obsessed with dinosaurs or left handed historical figures. Something that can’t kill us. Something DEAD!
ISAIAH
Mom would’ve listened to me! I’m just a pest to you! Just like THEM!
Sully pulls his son out from the sink, trying to check his son’s bloodshot eyes.
Isaiah squirms free and runs toward the door again…
But Sully pulls him back.
ISAIAH
LET ME GO!
SULLY
Of all the things for you to be obsessed with, why THEM!? Why something that kills!? Something that KILLED YOUR MOTHER!?
ISAIAH
Because I’m not scared of them anymore, like you still are!
Sully pushes Isaiah down to the corner.
SULLY
Just do what I say. That’s how we’re going to get through this. No more fighting. No more. Just shut up, and do what what you’re told.
And with that, Sully runs back to exterminate the rest of the worms with Jude.
LATER
Isaiah sulks in his corner, pretending to skim through the pages of his notebook.
Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.
JUDE
Thank you, dear-heart. I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’d ever get all this done without such a hard working man around.
SULLY
It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.
JUDE
Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.
SULLY
Hence the grandma routine, I take it.
JUDE
You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of rebels with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.
ISAIAH
Excuse me?
SULLY
What kind of grandmother are you?
ISAIAH
Excuse me?
JUDE
Your friendly neighborhood variety.
ISAIAH
Excuse meeeee.
SULLY
Okay, I’ve had enough. You know me well enough to trust me in a tool room. I don’t know you, and I don’t trust you. So, lets fix that. Who the hell are you?
ISAIAH (O.S.)
Excuse me!
Jude and Sully finally look to Isaiah, who’s holding his notebook and a GLASS BOX with a hand slot and what looks to be the HEAD of an alien worm with FUNGAL SHOOTS spiring out of it.
Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.
ISAIAH
I’ve never seen one like this before. What’s going on with it?
SULLY
(to Jude)
Family recipe?
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
Hasn’t your daddy taught you it’s impolite to go snooping through people’s things? You’re lucky you remind me of someone.
Jude takes the heavy tank from Isaiah…and carries it over to the counter. There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a LIGHTER, before putting her hand through the slot…
And LIGHTING the fungal worm-head ABLAZE.
ISAIAH
Wait! What was that? What was wrong with it?
SULLY
Whatever it is she’s done, the worms are obviously the least of her worries.
(to Jude)
Drop the act. You’re about as convincing as…well, let’s use your terms – a stick painting itself orange and calling itself a carrot.
Jude takes a deep breath. Oh what the hell.
JUDE
If it makes you happy to know, I’m a Hegemony Intelligence Agent. A spy, if you will.
Sully makes an “Oh shit!” face, grabs Isaiah and makes a break for his bat.
Jude pulls out her pistol and SHOOTS at his feet with the attitude of swatting a fly, stopping Sully in his tracks.
JUDE
I’m sick of watching you cart that poor boy around like you have a say in what happens to him.
Sully puts the dots together.
SULLY
You don’t care that we know?
JUDE
At this point, my superiors care about you the same way a horse cares about where it shits.
(observing the burning remains of the head)
But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, these things are better left forgotten.
SULLY
It must be so easy for people like you to forget. Some of us can’t just light a match, and poof – No more evidence.
Something about Sully’s accusation cuts deep. Jude dismantles her revolver…
JUDE
(placing each piece in the fire)
Yep. Just that easy.
SULLY
Great. That’s great. Real helpful for when we need to get out of here.
JUDE
Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of here alive.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – night
Sully checks the perimeter, looking for any chance of a breach, while Jude sits with Isaiah as he adds to his notebook, eating milk and cookies.
JUDE
This is an impressive notebook. Your daddy know about this?
ISAIAH
No. He wouldn’t understand.
Sully turns at the sting of his son’s words.
ISAIAH
Um, miss?
JUDE
You can call me Jude, dear-heart.
ISAIAH
Jude, did you really mean it when you said we wouldn’t make it out alive?
Jude considers her next words, as Isaiah’s question draws Sully’s interest as well.
JUDE
Listen. I don’t know much, but I know your daddy’s going to fight through hell itself to keep you safe.
ISAIAH
That didn’t answer my question.
Sully wants to retort, but stops himself.
JUDE
Yes, and your a smart thing. I’ll give you that. The truth is…Do you know why your daddy jumped when he realized I was a spy?
Isaiah shakes his head.
JUDE
(starting to cough)
Well, once upon a time your daddy was a proud tamed horse, prancing and happy. But now he’s this bucking bronco. To him, “Rules” is just another word for “obstacles.” Something happened that made him lose his way…
SULLY
I think that’s the end of story time.
JUDE
But you know something? I’m jealous of your daddy. There’s still something majestic about seeing something wild and free.
SULLY
Jude.
JUDE
Something I could never be for my little one.
(lets it sink in)
You see, your daddy’ll tear down the barn and everything in it on account of you. Me, well, let’s just say I’m the stable hand for a reason.
Isaiah allows a feeling of calmness, knowing there was something reassuring, even though his literal mind is still working out the details.
JUDE
(getting up)
I see we’re almost out of our stash.
(coughing)
Just give me a second, sweet thing. I think I have more.
Sully follows Jude into the kitchen, as she organizes cookies onto a plate.
SULLY
(whispering)
Thanks—
JUDE
(whispering)
Don’t. I honestly hate your guts, and if you didn’t have your little boy here…
She turns and coughs, but tries to smile toward Isaiah.
JUDE
Ah, I have just a few left.
SULLY
Hey, Jude?
Jude turns around.
SULLY
Thanks for your help. You make a wonderful grandmother.
Jude lets out another cough, unsure of how to take Sully’s complement.
JUDE
(shifting back to Isaiah)
Now, what’s this you’re working on.
Realization washes over Isaiah’s face.
ISAIAH
Jude, how long have you been infected?
Sully hurries over to Isaiah, holding him and creating a barrier between him and Jude.
JUDE
Coughing gave it away, huh?
ISAIAH
It’s that dry cough. Do you have an inhaler? Anything that can keep the lungs moist?
SULLY
Isaiah, now’s not the time.
ISAIAH
We can add to that time! They won’t hatch until—
JUDE
Your daddy’s right. We’re outside the bunker in an outbreak. There’re rules intended to keep everyone safe.
ISAIAH
But, Jude. There’s a way. We just have to keep your lungs hydrated long enough. We can get a humidifier and get you plenty of water—
JUDE
And then what? You’d still have to get the eggs out. But, you use those smarts to help your daddy out. Maybe you two can get out of this.
Jude pulls out a syringe, not dissimilar from the one Dr. Mick used in an earlier scene, wrapped in a photograph of a little girl.
JUDE
As for me. I don’t want to ruin a good thing.
INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Jude coughs throughout this scene like she has marbles in her lungs.
Sully takes the syringe Jude hands him. Isaiah, gears in his head working triple time to figure a way out of this.
JUDE
(focussed on the photograph of her granddaughter)
I just wanted it to end something different.
SULLY
Before I do this—
JUDE
Please. It hurts.
ISAIAH
She needs moisture! Her lungs are dry!
JUDE
No. No time. Please make it stop.
Sully looks to his son, then back to Jude.
SULLY
Tell me why you’re hear first.
JUDE
You stubborn mule.
SULLY
If you were here for me or any other colonist, you wouldn’t hold back. You were sent here for something else. What was it?
JUDE
Do you want “the truth” or your son? Trust me, one’s worth more than the other.
Jude can’t speak anymore.
ISAIAH
Dad?
Sully looks at his son.
SULLY
Look away, Isaiah.
Sully pumps the shot DEEP into Jude’s back.
The convulsing body all at once relaxes.
Isaiah looks away, sobbing, as Sully closes Jude’s eyes.
-
Hi Cameron,
I hope we can exchange feedback! My first version is way down there. (I already found a couple of typos in it… )
thanks!
Dev
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Absolutely Dev!
I have my V.2 attached below my original post. I’ll get to yours later tonight!
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Hey Cameron!
Once again, I dig the story and writing. But I’ll focus mainly on dialogue since that’s what we’re doing.
And the dialogue was really good. Jude in particular stood out as a fun character through dialogue.
Sully’s dialogue seemed to get stronger as we got deeper into the scenes. Maybe add to his dialogue in the beginning more? It seemed like he said “get behind me” and small words more than anything else. But then, later, his dialogue becomes more colorful and it shows.
Which dialogue structure did you use here? I couldn’t tell if it was circular, metaphor or two different conversations.
Isiah’s dialogue was good too. I imagine it’s hard to write a child’s words, but it comes off good. Especially the part where he has to say “excuse me” a bunch to get their attention.
Overall, good job!
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Hey Matthew!
Thank you so much for the encouraging feedback! I used a couple of different dialogue structures at various times, whether Isaiah is having a different conversation from everyone else in the room, or how Jude is almost entirely metaphorical. Sully’s dialogue is the one I’ve struggled with the most, and I found a lot of it had to do with what situations I was putting him in. I almost default him in the most stressful situations, and find he just turns into the biggest asshole when too stressed out. Still working out the balance of keeping him active while having some moments to settle down and decompress in order to have those moments where he can be a more dynamic character.
Thanks again for letting me know what works for you, and where I need to improve!
Cam
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Critique for CAM
Hi Cam,
I am enjoying your story. Overall, I like that the main characters have dimension. Love the descriptions of the worms: the whole section in the first scene, from MUCUS FLOWS to The Worm Recoils Back! is stellar and very scary! JUDE reminds me of the granny from the Tweety bird cartoons. The section in scene 3 with the paint thinner is so descriptive and exciting…a great idea.
My comments, take note of what you want.
Scene 1 – From “Get behind me” to “Mucus Flows” was confusing to me. Let’s see if I can explain. The worm comes from under Isaiah’s bed. So, I guess they are in Isaiah’s room. Then the latch on the door audibly snaps. Then Sully carries his son like a football into his room. Whose room? Back into Isaiah’s or Sully’s room? Where the worm was? Or did the worm leave Isaiah’s room and go to the living room door? Then Sully kicks the door closed and they go to the foot of the bed — where the worm just came from? Then they crawl around and are behind a couch. Are they still in a bedroom?
“Two heavy bodies” Hit the Floor. I thought it was humans, not worms.
Scene 2 – (Hallways) Sully and Isaiah…to Wall to Wall. How can they shuffle against the wall to get around when the worms are wall to wall?
Jude puts her gun down. Why? She has it in the next scene.
I think you could find a stronger funny line regarding shepherd and flock. It was okay.
The worm description is terrific!
Scene 3 – (Jude’s Apt) At first, I was confused by the line, “…a chamber of clues washed away with paint”. I thought it meant that the walls were covered with graffiti. But after thinking about it I realized it probably means it was “sterile”.
Maybe it’s just me, but I had a difficult time picturing in my mind the taping of the two nailers triggers because I thought they would go off of they were taped together. And I didn’t get how the safety pins were being used.
Sully rips off the worm. Then Jude says, “Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose”. But Sully has already ripped off the worm. Wouldn’t she say this prior to Sully’s action?
“You’ll never take me alive” seems old-fashioned for a young boy. Unless it was established earlier that he likes that quote or heard someone else say it, or his mom said it, etc.
Why is Isaiah no longer afraid of them?
Is there something important in the notebook that we don’t know about?
Who does Isaiah remind Jude of?
Jude, “…these are things better left forgotten.” The worms? Her being a spy? Then why help them?
Scene 4 – (Jude’s Apt) “Yes, and your a smart thing.” Should be you’re, not your.
Scene 5 – (Living quarters) Focussed, should be Focused and “Tell me why you’re hear first”, hear should be here.
You are rocking it! A fascinating story that will be popular. Can’t wait to keep reading it.
Thanks, Lisa
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Hey Lisa!
Thank you for your feedback! You’re not the first person I left confused by my vague blocking and descriptions, or by setups (Isaiah reminding Jude of someone) that weren’t paid off effectively. I like Isaiah’s line “You’ll never take me alive” because of how on the nose/cliche it is, and how he’s saying it to his dad, but if it isn’t working for half of the readers, I may have to change it. I’ll be sure to correct all of these issues in my next rewrite.
Looking forward to reviewing your scene! Thanks again for your feedback and helping me to be a better writer!
Cam
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Hey Cam, I posted after your V2. Lisa
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Hi Cameron- I hadn’t read your scenes in the last couple of rounds, so I wanted to catch up with your work. You’ve probably set things up prior to these scenes- so the questions I have might have been already answered. If so, please disregard my comments in those cases.
But here goes: Love the opening of the first scene- with the banging on the door like a heavy metal band.
I had a hard time visualizing the action and the layout in the first scene, such as: The worm slithers out from Isaiah’s bed- was that the sound of the glass shattering? Why isn’t Sully horrified? Why isn’t Sully worried that Isiah is already infected?
The worm is drawn to the banging on the door- why doesn’t it make a beeline for Sully and Isiah? Isn’t the goal of the worms to infect humans?
Sully carries his son into his room- Isiah’s room or Sully’s room? I didn’t follow how Isiah was carried into a room, but then they crouched behind the couch.
Although the visual of the worm crawling around Sully’s head will be horrifying, the logic is unclear. I don’t understand why Sully doesn’t grab the worm and smash it- instead of blowing on it-
Since I haven’t read your other scenes, I’m unclear about the fact that there’s a worm and there’s a host as two separate entities-
A big question I have is, Why does Jude bang on their door? Did she follow them? and if so, Did they know they were being followed?
Why does she want Sully and Isiah to go to her apartment?- it’s not safe there, either. I thought that it would be water-tight and somehow protected- but it’s just another apartment. Other than the gun, how is it that Jude can convince them to leave? Is she forcing them with her gun? Or do they think that her apartment is protected, and that she has great weapons? Or have they met Jude before and know her?
When Jude says “I see your little one is missing someone” how does she get that? Isiah doesn’t call for Mom in this scene. How does she know? And why doesn’t Sully call her out on that?
The description in the bloody hallway is great. I’m unclear as to why Sully calls Jude a ‘stable hand’ Cool yuk when the worm crawls into the corpse and it re animates.
The scene (s) in Jude’s apartment are easier to follow for me. Why does paint thinner act like a force field with the worms? Did Sully know that would happen? Did Jude? Not sure why Isiah is dumping thinner on the worms but not on the aliens- where are the aliens?
Geeze, I don’t know if this is helping you of just frustrating you and making you angry! If so, I <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>apologize profusely.
Isiah is using thinner on the worms- but they were his friends. How does he make this change? If it’s when his dad is threatened, then a word at that point from Isiah would help.
Jude tells the story of the young lady in her 20s who was, or feigned pregnancy. Not sure of the culture here, but it seems to me the rebels would rape her anyway..
Very cool fungal shoots coming out of the worm’s head. Your ideas are awesome and unique.
Not sure why Jude has a worm in an aquarium and why she burns it. is it to protect the boy? Even though she feels that they won’t get out of there alive.
When Jude says “I’m sick of you carting that boy around….” What dots does Sully connect? This is probably completely set up earlier…
Not sure why Jude burns her revolver. Jude’s death at the end is dramatic. Is this why she wanted Sully to go with her? If so, could she imply that earlier?
The story is intriguing and completely unique and cool. Fabulous. Keep going. June
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Hey June!
A lot of great questions, and I’ll definitely try to answer them better. The worms are kind of a cross between cordyceps fungi and horsehair worms (two real life parasites that zombify their hosts). Adult worms are essentially predatory snails that use their hosts (the colonists) as their shell. The lifecycle is similarly complicated like the xenomorph is, but that’s no excuse if a reader is left confused rather than engaged to learn more. The reason the paint thinner acts as a shield is because some thinners/removers are highly alkaline in nature, which the worms are very sensitive to (similar to salt on snails). Anything that is highly basic (bleach, sodium hydroxide, etc.) would deter the worms, and Isaiah has learned this through his own experiments. A lot of this is explained through the action in the story, but Isaiah could do a better job informing us on what he’s doing and why (hopefully without it devolving into exposition like I just did).
Similarly, those are some great questions as to what certain character’s motivations are, what dots they connect, what the blocking of certain scenes is, and I should do a better job of making those clearer.
I’ll get right to reviewing your scene! Thanks for the awesome feedback, and I can’t wait to spend time rewriting my scenes!
Thanks again!
Cam
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Cameron Martin’s Kick-Ass Dialogue! (V.3)
Additional lessons learned…Advanced dialogue isn’t about putting lipstick on a pig. Sometimes, you have to change up what the scene’s about. Also found that one struggle I had was applying subtext to important plot points. I could, in theory, still get around some sticky areas (particularly exposition) if I instead chose to apply subtext using more personal, emotional motivations, rather than inadvertently concealing plot details behind vague dialogue choices. This may just be reflective of my experience, and I’ll get better with the nuance over time. Thanks again to June’s, Lisa’s, Matthew’s, and Dev’s notes and great questions! Y’all helped me get to the heart of the various issues that existed within this arc.
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(NOTE: Once again, I’m not expecting anyone to review the entire arc. Feel free to review just one scene.)
INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Sully and Isaiah run into their apartment.
Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.
Sully SLAMS the door and LOCKS the bolt shut.
BAM! The door is thrashed as if by a rock band. BAM! BAM! BAM!
Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the BANGING door.
Behind them, a subtle clinking…cracking…coming from Isaiah’s room.
ISAIAH
Dad, I’m really sorry.
SULLY
Just stay behind me.
ISAIAH
I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.
SULLY
And just who have you been helping?
CRASH! GLASS SHATTERING!
ISAIAH
He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.
ISAIAH’S ROOM
A 15 FOOT MONSTER OF A WORM slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, into…
THE LIVING ROOM
Isaiah sidesteps away.
ISAIAH
(whispering)
Just do what I do.
SULLY copies his son’s movements, as the worm is drawn to the viscous BANGING at the front door.
ISAIAH
(whispering)
See? It’s mostly blind. The banging—
SNAPS! The latch on the door BREAKS!
SULLY
(Grabbing Isaiah)
Get behind me!
Sully football carries his son into…
SULLY’S ROOM
Kicking the door closed…
And stumbling, son in arms, to the foot of his bed.
DRUMMING on Sully’s door…as Isaiah’s pet worm SQUEEZES underneath the door.
Sully and Isaiah SCURRY around the bed…
WAITING – Think! Think—
MUCUS FLOWS over Sully’s head – Oh shit. Don’t move.
Sully HOLDS HIS BREATH as the sharp serrated TEETH brush through his HAIR…
The warm, damp THING intimate with his EAR…
His CHEEKS…
HIS MOUTH – Hold it in! Hold i—
Sully PUFFS OUT a breath of air!
THE WORM RECOILS BACK!
Sully slams his eyes shut. This is it.
BANG! BANG! Bodies HIT THE FLOOR.
Sully opens his eyes, witnessing…
The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies…
And at her feet are both the dead worm – its head blown clean off – and the host missing half its neck.
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.
Sully registers what’s in her hands – a REVOLVER PISTOL. Very illegal and a sliver of silver smoke leaking from the gun’s barrel.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context.
JUDE
And what is that context, dear-heart?
ISAIAH
My experiment—
SULLY
You’re what?—
ISAIAH
Tried to eat us.
SULLY
Isaiah?
ISAIAH
Yes, dad?
SULLY
You’re grounded.
ISAIAH
I don’t think this is the appropriate time, dad.
JUDE
I see your front door’s broken. Do you want to come home with me?
SULLY
Well, let me think. Follow the crazy cat lady with the only gun in a billion miles. Will there be milk and cookies?
JUDE
Who do you trust more? These bloodthirsty parasites, or…
(motioning the gun)
It’s your call, dear-heart.
SULLY
Right. And you are? I’m sorry, you’re making perfect sense, but the contraband is throwing me off.
JUDE
Let’s skip the formalities, sweet thing. All you need to know is I’m the one who’s going to keep your son alive…just a little longer.
SULLY
And why should we trust you?
JUDE
Well, I don’t see momma anywhere—
SULLY
(sees where she’s going)
Don’t.
JUDE
And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.
She didn’t cross the line. She tore the damn wall down!
SULLY
I would die to protect him.
JUDE
Yes, you will.
Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.
JUDE
(turning around)
Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time. And yes, I do have some milk and cookies.
Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.
SULLY
Come on. Keep holding my hand.
ISAIAH
Hey, Dad?
No response.
ISAIAH
I don’t blame you.
SULLY
Not right now, son.
INT. SPACE COLONY – HALLWAYS – NIGHT
Jude glides past the bloody hallway like a cat across a wet floor.
Sully and Isaiah tiptoe over the DEAD BODY laying across from WALL TO WALL.
ISAIAH
A lot of people missed out on the bunker.
SULLY
(to Jude)
How much further, gun slinger?
JUDE
Shush, now. You know crazy ladies are never convenient.
ISAIAH
Is this normal? For people to be left out of the bunker?
SULLY
Don’t ask when you already know the answer.
Behind them, UNSEEN…
A worm slithers out of a grate…
and INTO THE MOUTH of the CORPSE on the ground.
The trio hears the cadaver SPASM…
and turn to see the mouth BREAKING from the face and skull.
JUDE
(taking aim at the reanimating zombie)
It’s okay, dear-heart.
More worms SLITHER and LEAK out of the vents.
Jude holsters her gun.
JUDE
(turning around to run)
But as one shepherd said to the other, lets get the flock out of here.
Sully and Isaiah RUN behind Jude, as a wave of SLIMY DEATH gives chase.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jude ushers in Sully and Isaiah through the front door, leaving it OPEN…
Before leading the two of them to…
THE BACK ROOM
SLAMMING that door on the host attacking them.
Inside Sully finds, well, how to describe this room…
It’s Batman’s lair if Alfred destroyed as much evidence as sixty seconds would allow.
JUDE
(pointing to an assortment of untouched tools dressing a wall)
Make yourself useful, sweetie. I know you have a way with tools.
SULLY
(pointing to a corner)
Isaiah, get over there and stay there.
ISAIAH
But—
SULLY
Talk and walk, buddy!
Isaiah scurries over to a corner and pulls out a spiral notebook from his backpack…
Meanwhile, his dad takes TWO ELECTRIC NAILERS off of the wall…
ISAIAH
(pointing to his own notes on a fleshed out page)
Here! It says we can catch and release them. Step one…
Sully doesn’t bother listening, as he LOADS the charged batteries and rows of nails into both nailers…
ISAIAH
(in his own world)
This is why alkaline’s very important…
And DUCT TAPES the TWO NAILERS to a BASEBALL BAT…
JUDE
I had a feeling you’d know what to do, considering your background.
TAPING DOWN the TRIGGERS in the process, knowing the nailers won’t fire unless the safety pins on the tips of the nailers are pressed down.
Meanwhile, Jude pulls out a box of .429 caliber rounds, and loads each one into her revolver.
ISAIAH
Guns aren’t allowed!
JUDE
(loading the weapon)
Don’t worry your pretty little head about that.
Sully tests his new weapon by tapping the bat to the desk – The second the SAFETY PINS hit, they both FIRE NAILS DEEP into the desk.
SULLY
So, are you the smuggler or the Hegemony agent? Every colony has one or the other.
The door CRACKS!
Jude takes aim…
JUDE
I’ll let you decide, dear-heart.
A worm SLITHERS under the door—
BLAM! Jude hits it square in the head.
THE DOOR EXPLODES OPEN! – A dozen worms SLITHER in on top of each other with the HOST BURSTING IN—
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Jude doesn’t miss a single shot! BLAM! BLAM! Out of ammo…
Sully charges in, swinging like a barbarian, literally NAILING the worms and host with his bat.
Isaiah watches, his eyes shifting back and forth between the aliens and his “protectors.” He’s had enough, searching for a can of paint remover, looking for the ingredient sodium hydroxide.
He GRABS a CAN, cracks it open with a screwdriver, and runs with it for the door.
SULLY
Isaiah! Get your ass back in that corner!
Isaiah ignores his dad, CHUCKING out a SPLASH of remover on the door frame…
Like an invisible force field, the worms are repelled from the epicenter of the splash!
Isaiah keeps marching toward the swarm, dumping remover over the floors with each step, careful to not splash any on the aliens themselves.
With each STEP and POUR, the worms buck further and further from the conflict…
A hand GRABS Isaiah’s shoulder…
And pulls him back…to Sully.
ISAIAH
Stop it!
SULLY
I said to stay behind! Stay safe!
Above the two, the ceiling creaks…
Isaiah tosses a torrent of the remover…splashing it all over the ceiling…and having it rain back down on them.
Isaiah…looking up…GETS REMOVER IN HIS EYES!
HE SCREAMS – BLIND!
As a worm slides up his leg—
Jude takes aim—
CLICK. Out of ammo!
The worm wraps itself around Isaiah’s throat—
Before Sully RIPS it off his son, hurling it at the wall…
As more worms try to CLOSE IN!
JUDE
Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose!
Sully launches his bat at the worms…SPRINTING BACK into the shop with Isaiah in tow.
The worms hesitate at the puddle of remover at the door…
Giving Jude enough time to reload. She FIRES again. BLAM! BLAM!
ISAIAH
(wiping the remover out of his eyes)
I gave you instructions, but you never listen to me!
Meanwhile, Sully holds his son under the shop’s sink faucet, spraying water full blast into his son’s eyes to wash the chemicals out.
SULLY
You could’ve been obsessed with dinosaurs or left handed historical figures. Something that can’t kill us. Something DEAD!
ISAIAH
Mom would’ve listened to me! I’m just a pest to you! Just like THEM!
Sully pulls his son out from the sink, checking his son’s bloodshot eyes.
Isaiah squirms free and runs toward the door again…
But Sully pulls him back.
ISAIAH
LET ME GO!
SULLY
Of all the things for you to be obsessed with, why THEM!? Why something that kills!? Something that KILLED YOUR MOTHER!?
ISAIAH
Because I’m not scared of them anymore, like YOU still are!
Sully pushes Isaiah down to the corner.
SULLY
Just do what I say. That’s how we’re going to get through this. No more fighting. No more. Just shut up, and do what what you’re told.
And with that, Sully runs back to exterminate the rest of the worms with Jude.
LATER – JUDE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Isaiah sulks in a recliner, nibbling through the last cookies on a plate.
Meanwhile, Jude directs Sully to use random parts of the room – kitchen pots and pans, appliances, couch cushions, furniture frames – to cover and barricade everywhere where the room could be accessed.
JUDE
Thank you, dear-heart. I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’d ever get all this done without such a hard working man around.
SULLY
It’s easy to work when you have a gun at your back.
JUDE
Oh, pish posh. That gun is as useful a motivator as a stick is to a horse. Without a tasty carrot, that horse will get real tired of its handler.
SULLY
Hence the grandma routine, I take it.
JUDE
You know, I once saw a young lady, maybe early 20’s. Well, she infiltrated a whole contingent of these “secessionists” with nothing but an empathy belly. I tell you, it’s amazing how you can make quick work of battle hardened men with a few soft words and the mere appearance of being pregnant.
(shifting her attention to the empty plate of cookies)
Now, enough of this kind of heavy talk. I have a more important job to do.
She picks up the empty plate.
JUDE
(clearing her throat)
Just give me a second, sweet thing. I think I have one more batch.
She heads to the kitchen…placing the plate down…and continues to the restroom just as her COUGHING picks up.
Sully follows her to the…
BATHROOM
Finding her slurping water from the faucet as she resists the urge to hack up her lung.
SULLY
Where is it?
JUDE
Where’s what, young man?
SULLY
You’re infected. Maybe not by what we just faced, but sometime before you met us, you took a big breath of some spores. And with the way you handle that gun, you’re obviously not a smuggler. So, where’s the suicide syringe?
Jude turns around, water still dripping from her face, aiming her REVOLVER right at Sully’s HEART!
JUDE
One more word out of your mouth…
Sully’s lips are zipped.
JUDE
Now, I’m going to enjoy however long is left doing what any grandmother should do.
ISAIAH
(from the other room)
Excuse me?
SULLY
What kind of grandmother are you?
ISAIAH
(closer)
Excuse me?
JUDE
Your friendly neighborhood variety.
ISAIAH
Excuse meeeee.
Jude hides her revolver as she and Sully look to Isaiah, who’s holding his notebook and a GLASS BOX with a HAND SLOT and what looks to be the HEAD of an alien worm with FUNGAL SHOOTS spiring out of it.
Between Sully and Jude, Jude is the one who looks more concerned this time.
ISAIAH
I’ve never seen one like this before. What’s going on with it?
SULLY
(to Jude)
Family recipe?
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
Hasn’t your daddy taught you it’s impolite to go snooping through people’s things? I swear, I’m too old to be doing this.
Jude takes the heavy tank from Isaiah…and carries it over to the…
kitchen counter
There, she pulls out a drawer and takes out a LIGHTER, before putting her hand through the slot…
And LIGHTING the fungal worm-head ABLAZE.
ISAIAH
Wait! What was that? What was wrong with it?
Sully puts the dots together.
SULLY
Can’t have any evidence tying the Hegemony to the worms? Right? But, then, where does that leave us.
JUDE
At this point, my superiors care about you the same way a horse cares about where it does its business.
(observing the burning remains of the head)
But this? This is one of those things…Well. In my opinion, these things are better left forgotten.
SULLY
It must be so easy for people like you to forget. Some of us can’t just light a match, and poof – No more evidence.
Something about Sully’s accusation cuts deep. Jude dismantles her revolver…
JUDE
(placing each piece in the fire)
Yep. Just that easy.
SULLY
Great. That’s great. Real helpful for when we need to get out of here.
JUDE
Oh, sweet child. None of us are getting out of…what comes next.
INT. JUDE’S APARTMENT – night
Jude sits with Isaiah as he adds to his notebook, eating milk and cookies…
While Sully watches Jude’s every move…every breath.
JUDE
Don’t you want to talk about something other than them?
ISAIAH
(I don’t want to)
We can. I’m just wrapping up some notes now.
JUDE
Tell me more about you and your daddy. I want to hear all about what y’all do for fun.
ISAIAH
Not much. Not since mom died.
JUDE
You say that so…Does it hurt?
ISAIAH
I don’t really think about it.
Jude looks up from Isaiah, and eyes Sully – Yeah, it hurts to talk about it.
JUDE
(ahem)
What are you writing in your notebook?
ISAIAH
Just some stuff about the worms. Questions for later.
JUDE
What kind of questions?
ISAIAH
Well, what were those things growing out of the head in that glass box?
JUDE
Oh, that’s just what happens at the end of their life cycle.
ISAIAH
How do you know?
JUDE
You’re looking at the worm expert.
ISAIAH
(are you pulling my leg?)
Really?
JUDE
Yep! I had to study these little buggers every day.
ISAIAH
So, wait. I thought they built a nest and that’s how the spores were spread?
JUDE
Nope! They go from spore eggs, to worms, and back to those fungal looking things you saw.
ISAIAH
Hold on! I gotta write this down.
Jude looks up and sees Sully, watching Isaiah – a mix of “happy if he’s happy” and “they killed my wife.”
SULLY
Hey, kid? I don’t know if this is the way Jude wants to spend—
JUDE
Oh, pish posh. I couldn’t imagine a better way to spend my time.
ISAIAH
Another question. Why do we have a worm epidemic in the first place?
JUDE
What do you mean?
ISAIAH
From what I’ve read, there should be some kind of equalizer or something. But the library doesn’t have any information on that. It doesn’t make sense for them to be as efficient as they are, or they’d wipe out the rest of the indigenous fauna.
JUDE
(light coughing)
Well, that’s kinda top secret.
(but, upon seeing Isaiah’s disappointment)
But, if you must know, the initial terraforming wiped out a keystone species – the kind that would’ve kept them in check.
ISAIAH
But, terraforming’s not supposed to impact alien wildlife.
JUDE
(coughing)
Well, sweetie, that’s a bit of a lie.
SULLY
(it all makes sense, now)
And you were sent to make sure no one found out that’s what it was.
Jude doesn’t answer, as her coughing morphs into whooping and hacking…
ISAIAH
Jude?
JUDE
I didn’t want a good thing to be ruined.
INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Jude coughs throughout this scene like she has marbles in her lungs.
Sully searches the nigh incapacitated Jude for a syringe, not too dissimilar from the one Dr. Mick used in the earlier scene.
Isaiah, gears in his head working triple time to figure a way out of this.
JUDE
I just wanted it to end something different.
ISAIAH
She needs moisture! Her lungs are dry!
SULLY
We don’t have time.
ISAIAH
We can add to the time! If we can just get an inhaler or something to add moisture to the lungs, we could buy enough time to maybe extract the eggs!
Sully searches one last pocket – Found it!
He pulls out a SYRINGE wrapped in a PHOTOGRAPH.
Jude REACHES for the items in Sully’s hand…
SNATCHING the photograph from him.
She flattens out the picture, revealing a little girl no older than Isaiah – her granddaughter.
JUDE
(focused on the picture)
I’m sorry. I wish it ended something different.
ISAIAH
Dad?
Sully looks at his son.
SULLY
Look away, Isaiah.
Sully PUMPS the shot DEEP into Jude’s back.
The CONVULSING body all at once relaxes.
Isaiah looks away, sobbing, as Sully closes Jude’s eyes.
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Cam –
I enjoyed reading your story. The action is fast and hectic. And the characters sound authentic in this situation. Their dialogue is a mix of panic, frustration, and humor. I assume you describe the worms in earlier scenes, but I have a good idea of their size, shape, and intent. The description of Sully nearly infected is good. It reminds me of the scene in King Kong where the bugs are eating the men. It’s gross enough to make an audience queasy.
Your relationship between Isaiah and Sully is good, a father and son at crossroads regarding the boy’s mother. I take it she was killed earlier. And Jude is great. The pistol-packing granny Lisa described in her critique. And when it’s discovered Jude is infected and put down by Sully, that was gripping.
From Jude’s description, I assume this is the first time she’s introduced. Though, I would have liked to have seen more of her. She seems like a great character to explore.
The line “Get the flock out of here” has been used in other movies. It may be a placeholder, and an original line would make this moment more poignant.
The Batman description was a little odd to me. I think I would like to have read something a more descriptive. It’s the BACK ROOM in JUDE’S APARTMENT. Batman’s lair is a huge cave. How big is an apartment back room? A garage/workshop with tools might work better.
I also couldn’t picture the nail gun/baseball bat. I understand how Sully used it, but I couldn’t picture it in my head. A battery-powered nail gun fires like a real gun. I watched a YouTube video. Just a suggestion.
And when Jude says, “Fall back or I’ll miss on purpose!” is she telling Sully to get out of the way? Not sure.
In the LIVING QUARTERS scene, you wrote the line – Sully searches the nigh incapacitated Jude for a syringe. I think you intended – Sully searches incapacitated Jude for a syringe.
And Jude’s line “I just wanted it to end something different,” didn’t make sense to me. Is she wanting to die? Is she remembering something?
Overall, the scene is great, beginning to end. It moves fast and ends tragically. I feel for Jude in the end. And I understand the relationship between father and son, with Sully wanting to protect Isaiah having lost his wife. And the son’s fascination with the worms was a good way to place them in more danger. He’s trying to help the way a kid would think.
Great job! Looking forward to the final script.
Dana
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Thanks for the amazing review, Dana!
Somehow it never occurred to me that the expression of “get the flock out of here” was already used in another movie. That’s lazy on my part to not even look it up, but it’s a valuable lesson learned. Great point on the bat cave description. I’ll come up with something less confusing. I’ve used those types of nail guns before, but maybe something’s changed with the safety on them. I’ll be sure to double check. Thanks for letting me know which lines were confusing; they’re definitely in need of a rewrite.
I can’t thank you or anyone enough for the time you took reading the entire arc! I know it’s a lot and everyone has very busy schedules. I’m so appreciative of the complete insight you’ve given me.
Best regards!
Cam
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Cam –
FYI – This is where I found some information on nail guns. I watched the YouTube video. Scroll through to it find the place where he fires the nail gun by pulling back the safety.
https://www.suecoletta.com/on-writing-fiction-how-to-use-a-nail-gun-like-a-firearm/
Dana
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Matthew Frendo’s Kick-Ass Dialogue!
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned how to apply all these techniques in one scene. This will make my dialogue stand out and lead to a much stronger script.
Character Name: Kristen
Character Traits: Caring, Self-Righteous, Covering Up, Loyal
Character Name: Jocelyn:
Character Traits: Fighter, Bitter, Defiant, Witty
SITUATION: The hunt just started, but no monsters have been released yet. The players are all preparing for what’s about to come–
EXT. ABANDONED CIRCUS – NIGHT
Jocelyn strides away from the group. She hears breathing and looks behind her to find–
Kristen, following her. Kristen gives a big smile. Jocelyn scowls back.
JOCELYN
Don’t follow me. I’m on my own here.
KRISTEN
Me too. I’m just going to the same place.
JOCELYN
I have no idea where I’m going.
KRISTEN
Hey! Neither do I!
Jocelyn stops and looks at her. Kristen beams.
JOCELYN
Are you like brain dead or something?
KRISTEN
No, I’m a Christian.
JOCELYN
Same thing.
Jocelyn starts to walk again.
KRISTEN
That’s not very nice.
JOCELYN
Neither was the inquisition. Or witch burnings. Or the unjust persecution of any other group that didn’t follow your little rule book.
KRISTEN
Figured you may want to be nicer to me, since God’s on my side and most of you are going to die in a few hours.
JOCELYN
We’re all gonna fucking die in a few hours, sweet tits.
KRISTEN
You’re not one of those lesbians are you? Not that I’m against it, but my church says–
Jocelyn turns back and just raises an eyebrow.
KRISTEN
Oh, you are one of those lesbians.
Jocelyn sees a broken window from the nearby Hall of Mirrors and goes to check it out.
JOCELYN
Maybe I am. Maybe I just love to eat pussy and scissor and play with huge, ever expanding dildos.
Jocelyn picks up a large shard of broken glass on the ground, then runs her finger on it to test it.
JOCELYN
Ow!
She sticks her cut finger in her mouth, flinching.
KRISTEN
Oh. So, do you think I’m cute?
Jocelyn turns, aggravated.
KRISTEN
Just saying, I never met a lesbian before and I always wondered–
JOCELYN
What the fuck is this Teen Vogue quiz shit?
KRISTEN
I don’t read Teen Vogue. That’s secular. But I do have good news. Even though you’re a lesbian, God still loves you.
Kristen gives a big smile.
JOCELYN
I get it. You’re scared. No reason to keep bugging me.
KRISTEN
Christians don’t get scared because we know we’re going to heaven.
(quick beat)
But if you wanted to team up, for YOUR reasons of course–
Jocelyn turn and starts walking faster.
JOCELYN
I don’t want you to stop following me anymore.
KRISTEN
Really?
JOCELYN
I want you to run in the opposite direction.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Matthew Frendo.
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Hey Matthew!
Want to exchange feedback? My V.2 is listed just under my initial post.
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Sure! Sounds good!
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Hey Matthew!
Here’s what I loved about your scene!
While I personally can’t stand either of these two characters because of how self righteous they both are, I think the dynamic between the two is brilliant. I know I’ve said this before in a previous feedback exchange, but I love how similar these two are to each other, even though they come from different backgrounds and worldviews. Kristen is clearly someone who’s been kept in a bubble her whole life (at least as far we understand at this point in the story), while Jocelyn is someone who thinks she has it all figured out already. This of course leads to your fun, quippy dialogue where Jocelyn tries to strike down the weird kid for following her, and Kristen just retorts with convenient concepts she’s been brought up on, like water on a ducks back. Speaking of which…
Kristen’s social skills and ability to connect with anyone outside of her church are just the worst, and I’m all here for it. Like I said, even if Jocelyn’s straw-man arguments against Christianity or Kristen’s child-like entitlement that comes from her understanding of the faith drive me nuts, the fact that you have these two people forced to work together leads to amazing, dramatic exchanges between the two. You’re just waiting for one of them to crack, whether Kristen loses her faith, or Jocelyn adopts a self-sacrificing attitude. It’s the equivalent of a rubber band being pulled to its limits, and you achieve it through the dialogue of both characters.
What I have questions about…
Kristen’s response “No, I’m a Christian” to Jocelyn’s insult “Are you like brain dead or something” feels a little weird. I don’t know if someone’s responded with that counter argument before, but it almost feels like Kristen’s answering to being called brain dead, which runs the risk of the audience assuming that that’s how the writer perceives Christians. Don’t know if that’s your personal viewpoint or not, but I do think Kristen would be smart enough to not answer to “brain dead” with “Christian,” as though she agrees that the two could be misconstrued. I could see Kristen making the argument “GOD doesn’t make brain dead people. Doctors do.” That still gets your point across that Kristen is sheltered beyond belief in a tiny bubble, which could lead to Jocelyn turning Kristen’s words back on her, “Well, your god must’ve not gotten the memo when you were born.” The scene continues the same way, nothing structurally changes, but both characters come out sounding smarter and more original.
I do wonder if Jocelyn is too vulgar. I mean, I like parts of her dialogue, and the “Teen Vogue” lines are just awesome. But in other lines of hers she seems to go overboard. That may be a fundamental part of her character, where she doesn’t edit her response, but just keeps firing until her target walks away. It just makes her so unlikable, almost to the point where I shut off and don’t want to relate to her. That may just be me, though, and I think I could get past it if you include something every so often that reminds us she’s human and not a Twitter bot. Otherwise, if her core character trait is Witty, I’d go through each insult and come up with as many variations of each line as you can, until you find the one that best matches her character and leads us to say, “That was brutal, but man was it creative.” Where Kristen is this little lamb, reciting Sunday school lessons, Jocelyn can have an assassin’s dagger for a tongue, delivering killing blows with her words, which just adds to the engaging conflict when her most devastating weapon doesn’t work on someone so devout and sheltered as Kristen.
Those are just my thoughts. I still think you’re onto something with a relationship unlike anything we’ve seen before, and can carry so much thematic meaning.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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CLAY CAINE: Passionately committed, religious, self-righteous, desperately needs respect
LINCOLN ABLE: Passionately committed, sense of humor, chip on his shoulder
What I learned each pass with a new dialogue intent was more and more about my characters.
EXT. GRASSY FIELD/ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
Clay plows through a field of dried grass toward a dilapidated Cotton Mill that once fueled a robust economy.
Lincoln, who’s been following him, appears in the distance. Winded, he holds his cramping side as he limps along, yells at Caine.
LINCOLN
Stop! We need to talk!
Clay continues his sprint to the mill, finds a door he can wrest open, heads inside. The door, open wide, starts its slow, cranky journey back to being shut.
Lincoln hobbles some as he heads toward the mill. He enters through the still closing door.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
As Lincoln lingers in the light streaming in from the broken roof, Clay’s voice comes from everywhere.
CLAY (O.S.)
(Reciting from Proverbs)
“Rash words are like sword thrusts.”
LINCOLN
Yes, “But the tongue of the wise one brings healing.”
He starts his search through the rows of old processing equipment…
LINCOLN
We’re both guilty of ‘rash’ words, are we not? We’ve got that in common.
CLAY (O.S.)
“Everyone who hears my words and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.’
LINCOLN
Matthew 7:24 – I know the bible. Seems you like to twist it.
No answer until… the heavy door they entered through finally shuts, bringing more darkness.
LINCOLN
You know, we can choose to change what’s happening here. There’s always choice.
He begins his search for Clay.
LINCOLN
For example: we can choose to kill each other today, or… we choose something different. I mean, maybe we have a menu of options? Maybe we try something different today.
CLAY (O.S.)
You don’t get it. Few of your race do.
LINCOLN
Ah! So, there we go! And that’s what you don’t get. Scientifically, there’s only one race! So, if I don’t get, I guess neither do you!
CLAY (O.S.)
The truth is in the bible. Your kind have a place in God’s order.
LINCOLN
And would that be ‘second place’ to you?
Clay steps out of the shadows, raises his weapon.
CLAY
It would.
He blindly fires into the shadows.
Lincoln dodges.
LINCOLN
You know, killing me won’t change anything!
Clay swings his arms back and forth, steadily fires.
CLAY
Extinguish the flame, stop the fire!
LINCOLN (O.S.)
And if you’re the fire?
Clay comes upon the door they entered by, shoots the handle off of it.
CLAY
Then God will choose.
Clay moves through the mill, comes up behind Lincoln who squats in hiding. He smiles. Just as he’s about to fire…
A SHIMMER passes over Lincoln and… he’s gone.
Another SHIMMER. Confused, Clay turns to see that the tables are now turned. Lincoln’s got a gun on him. His hand shakes.
LINCOLN
I don’t want to do this.
Clay smiles bitterly.
CLAY
But you do.
LINCOLN
Not really.
CLAY
Yes, you do.
LINCOLN
And you know this because…?
CLAY
I can feel you inside me.
Lincoln, struggles with himself, finally lowers the gun.
IClay looks disappointed. Then, a SHIMMER passes, and… he’s gone.
Lincoln spins around, looking for him, the ‘crazy’ rising in him.
LINCOLN
Where are you?! Where do you go?!
EXT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
SHIMMERS run along the sky like the tide coming in, toppling over one another to reach a distant shoreline.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts and words are cut off, disembodied, broken up…
LINCOLN
I will kill you!
CLAY
I will kill you!
As they appear and disappear with the SHIMMERS, they continue to fire at one another until…
A huge SHIMMER passes and leaves them standing directly across from one another like two Western gunfighters. Expecting another shimmer at any moment, the men apprehensively raise their guns at each other.
LINCOLN
So, this is how it ends?
CLAY
This is how it ends.
LINCOLN
There’s no hope?
CLAY
Not for you.
LINCOLN
I’ve got to hand it to you. I wavered but not you.
Clay’s silent.
LINCOLN
And if I kill you?
He shrugs, smiles, shakes his head.
CLAY
I’ve already been chosen.
Lincoln’s fury surges. He fires – but so does Clay.
Nothing…
Then, as if mirrored images, they both sink to their knees.
Another SHIMMER hits, passing over the two who become one — their faces changing into each other over and over until a single body falls face first – smack into the warehouse floor. In the shadows and darkness, it’s impossible to tell which man it is.
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Hi Dev, would you like to exchange? I’m always interested in reading your story. June
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Yes, I would love to exchange. I’ve just finished a version 2 so I’d love your – as always – inspired feedback!
Dev
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Kate to Dev
finally got to this assignment and always look forward your edition!
If you have time can you take a look at mine?
Loved the Doors’ progress to finally shutting.
Good research re Biblical quotes (jargon and metaphor and also in a way poetic..)
So much here – but to summarize.
It’s a great ending and if people were still confused this make it clear.
I like that they are still separate people but are also trapped within each other.
as per the assignment:
some direct and indirect prediction
metaphoric dialogue as the format
confrontation re future consequence
Warning
oh and countdown there too?
And that last image.. great!!
This has come so far and I look forward to reading the entire script.
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June Fortunato’s Kick Ass Dialogue (revised)
What I learned– developing new traits for my characters as they emerge.
Roy traits: Romantic. Needy. Rejection of authority. Wiseass.
Kim: vulnerable, romantic, empathetic, sneaky.
Previously: Roy has been looking for Kim, who took off in Atlantic city after triggering Roy’s PTSD. Kim looked for Roy at the hospital, and discovered Marilyn- whose car she stole – and learns that Marilyn’s condition was indirectly caused by taking the car. Marilyn and Suzy, who’s still pet sitting for Marilyn, convince Kim to give pet-sitting a try (to relieve Suzy of the duty.) Kim feels tremendous guilt, and agrees. These are pages 91-98.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION – AFTERNOON
Kim’s about to leave, when Marilyn, in her wheelchair, is pushed into the hall. Kim and Marilyn recognize each other. Kim tries to hide her face. Too late.
MARILYN From the boutique?!
KIM Hi, Lady.
MARILYN Oh, come here!
KIM What happened to YOU?
MARILYN Fuss and bother. I broke my hips and then broke my spine. I’m in a mess. … Oh don’t worry. But come visit me? I’m lonely, you know.
KIM Uh.
MARILYN It happened right after we met. My car was misplaced. By the time I got home, my Woofie and Ludwig were so excited! And knocked me down.
KIM Oh no!
MARILYN I miss them so much. I’d love for you to meet them.
SUZY Yes, please.
MARILYN Nurse Suzy’s petsitting until we can find someone. Do you like dogs?
KIM I love dogs. And I know someone else who does, too.
But, suddenly, Kim hates herself.
KIM I… I gotta go.
SUZY Wait. Let me show you the ropes.
MARILYN Please. Nurse Suzy needs your help.
SUZY We both do.
Pause. Kim, mortified, doesn’t know what to do.
SUZY Come back at six. I’ll take you over.
Kim nods and rushes into the stairwell.
INT. HOSPITAL – STAIRWELL – CONTINUOUS As soon as the door closes, Kim pushes herself against the door, distraught.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – TWILIGHT Suzy and a more composed Kim, enter. Woofie and Ludwig take to Kim immediately and she to them.
INTERCUT
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY & NURSES’ STATION <b style=”background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Visual only. Tara tells Roy about Kim’s visit, and writes Marilyn’s address on a slip of paper.
While:
Suzy and Kim’s conversation overlaps the scene.
KIM (O.S.) This is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
SUZY (O.S.) Oh. So. Not Roy?
Kim laughs.
KIM (O.S.) Definitely Roy. Too.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREETS – TWILIGHT – CONTINUOUS
Suzy and Kim walk the dogs.
SUZY You won’t steal anything?
KIM No!
SUZY Because Marilyn is – She doesn’t deserve this – what happened to her.
Pause.
And just between us. It’s not looking good for her.
Pause. Internally, Kim’s self condemnation battles with her affirmations. Kim sits on the front steps. Suzy watches her.
SUZY You’re good???
Kim gives a thumbs up.
SUZY OK. You know where everything is. I’ll come back later. Call me!
KIM You got it.
Suzy leaves. Kim hugs the two dogs tightly and talks into their fur.
KIM I will be good. I will be strong. I will be just. I will not do anything to hurt you or that poor lady. I am good. I am strong. I am trying. I will try.
Across the street, Roy watches. He keeps his distance. Finally, Kim looks up and sees him. Kim stands and turns to go into the house. She fiddles with the key and drops it. Roy approaches. Woofie and Ludwig growl and Roy steps back. Kim finally turns the latch and rushes the boys into the house, but she lingers. Facing the door:
KIM Leave me alone. I’m no good for you.
ROY I highly disagree.
KIM I’m serious. I’ll only hurt you and I’m tired. So tired of hurting.
Roy is there, now, on the step below her.
ROY You are the breeze for my napalmed heart.
She turns.
KIM Anybody ever tell you you’re weird?
Roy kisses her and she digs in. They hold on as if the other will evaporate.
INT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT Roy and Kim lie on the living room floor in their skivvies, teasing the dogs-who apparently have long since warmed up to Roy. Kim steals glances at scars on Roy’s back.
ROY You hungry? I’m hungry.
KIM Starving!
Roy pulls on his pants.
ROY I’ll buy something.
KIM Suzy said to use what’s here. Marilyn’s afraid it’ll go to waste.
ROY Dang. This place gets better and better.
Kim tosses a toy pillow at him and Woofie runs for it. Giggles.
KIM Atta boy!
ROY I am an EX Perto at Huevos rancheros.
KIM I’m in!
ROY SpI CEE.
He roars. Kim laughs.
KIM Fry me!
ROY Now you’re talking my lingo.
Roy goes into the kitchen and sings the 1963 classic by the Chiffons, “He’s so fine.”
ROY (O.S.) (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) (Do-lang-do-lang) She’s so fine (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Hope she is mine.(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
Kim tosses the pillow again and it hits Roy’s backpack.
That pretty girl over there. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) The one with the sexy brown hair. (Dolang- do-lang-do-lang)
Kim crawls on her belly to his backpack and peeks in.
I don’t know how I’m gonna do it (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) But I’m really gonna try (Do-lang do- lang-do-lang)
Kim can’t help herself. She slides her hand into the backpack and comes up with Roy’s war medal.
To keep her warm and happy, (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) and keep her by my side. (Do-lang-dolang- do-lang) Gotta be mine. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) Sooner or later. (Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang) I hope it’s not later.(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
Roy comes bouncing backwards out of the kitchen with plates full of eggs, covered in hot sauce.
(Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang)
And sees her questioning look. Then he sees his medal. He sets the eggs onto a coffee table and approaches her.
KIM It’s none of my business. I’m sorry.
She turns to put it back. He gets to her.
I suck.
He gently takes the medal from her.
Roy?
ROY This is what they give you when half the people die. We lived. They died.
Pause.
KIM Don’t… You don’t have to tell me.
ROY We knew they were there – invisible. Deadly quiet. Too quiet. Too. Still. The air was dripping. You couldn’t breathe. They were there. Where? You get that – those other senses. The guys were shaking. So I hightailed it to an open area and climbed a wall, yelling. Lookie here! Look you motherfuckers! Shoot, muthafuckers! I got blasted and our unit nailed them. All of them. So they tell me. Like dead ants drowned in poison.
KIM But…
ROY Med EEEEVAC. Treated like a king by a couple of hotsie totsie nurses. EX-CEPTION-AL firewater and PO-tent chemicals.
KIM I’m sorry. (pause) UH OH! So, how spicy were the eggs?
Woofie and Ludwig look guilty and Roy spots the empty plates of eggs.
ROY Hershey squirts spicy.
Kim pulls on pants and they hustle the boys out the door.
EXT. MARILYN’S HOME – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS Suzy’s crossing toward the house when Woofie, Ludwig, Roy and then Kim follow at a clip.
SUZY Roy?
ROY Suzy Q!
SUZY Everything all right?
ROY Midnight rock n roll.
KIM We’re perfect.
SUZY Roy! You’ve got to meet Marilyn. That’s not right.
ROY Manana.
SUZY In the MORNING. She’s getting moved.
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Hi June,
Would you like to trade critiques?
– Anita
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Hi Anita! Love to, thank you. I’ll work on that this evening. June. My post above is revised.
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Hello June, may I comment
This looks fast paced, no delay
I am constantly get amazed at what you do with the language
And you obviously have it about Vietnam
It starts looking as rather well Dramatic Comedy.
I noticed it from the flower bed plucking scene!
You might pay me back and shed a couple of words about my writ bellow if you like
CHEERS!
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Thank you! Absolutely. I’ll work on that tonight. cheers, June
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Hey June,
I always enjoy you’re writing. I think you have a real handle on Roy’s voice in particular. He’s so full of character. For instance, I love the line, “You are the breeze to my napalmed heart.” It says so much about both his past and his present in a very clever way. The description he gives of his Nam experience feels very real, gritty, and immediate. One of the things that made me smile is Kim and Roy in their “skivvies”. It was a term my dad (former Navy) used, but I don’t remember ever reading the phrase anywhere.
As to Kim – she is the master at coverup and deception and you keep her in character with those traits. Her evasion techniques are well defined.
Since this assignment was meant to focus on dialogue, Suzy feels a bit flat to me. For example, her first line: “yes, please” could be beefier – making her sound more desperate to get out of pet sitting and really pushing Kim into an emotional corner. (BTW, I wasn’t sure it was Suzy pushing Marilyn’s wheelchair, so maybe just add that small fact to your set-up).
If Suzy’s last line “that’s not right” was more present tense: “this isn’t right” I think it works to sound even more accusatory, to push Roy to come clean with Marilyn.
Last thought: When Marilyn discovers the medal and then Roy divulges his story, you might want to try some contrasting dialogue from Marilyn when she’s trying to dissuade him from talking about his experience – which might heighten the terrible tragedy of Roy’s story (EX: Marilyn protests and jumps up for some OJ or some other ‘normal’ activity that she tries to interject to veer away from the difficult story he’s telling… like it’s hard for her to handle hearing it.
Final thought – the dogs eating the hot sauce laden food provides a great foil to lighten things back up!
Hope some of this is helpful.
Well done!
-Anita
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Hi Anita, thanks for the thoughtful notes. You’re right about Suzy, she lost her zaz. I still have to study your piece. cheers- June
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Kate for June
I hope you dont mind. I jumped in.
I’d really appreciate your thoughts on mine.
Been a while since I read one of yours and I love how it has evolved.
Kim and Roy are such strong, interesting characters.
I liked that some of the dialogues were made clear by the action too.
(with Kim especially)
as per the assignment I noted you used:
poetic, the jargon and emotional formats
I saw Metaphor used very well
compliment
distraction
shield others
imply hopelessness
indirect prediction
misdirection
maybe a challenge?
And just these pages certainly have me wanting to read the other pages!
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Thank you! Kate for your encouragement. Yes, some of the challenges didn’t seem to fit. I’ll read your work tonight. cheers, June
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June,
I think you are a whiz at creating character specific dialogue. Love how each character’s personality shines. (I didn’t have a problem with Suzy.)
As per the assignment, this is what I saw: Poetic dialogue (big time) Jargon, distraction, indirect prediction, a true sense of Kim’s hopelessness, metaphor, warnings, compliment, and your emotional way of writing.
By scene’s end, I’m so rooting for Kim and Roy! You can see that they are “twin flames.” Roy sees it but we long for Kim to. I love that we know it far before she does.
Great writing, great story. You quite simply rock.
Dev
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You’re incredibly kind! I quickly read your scene but will study it and make comments tomorrow. thank you for your encouragement.
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Hey June!
Here’s what I loved about your scene!
The way Roy talks is still one of the highlights of your script; exceptionally unique.
Kim playing along is a cute support role, both challenging him at times and by self deprecating she also indirectly demands Roy to look after somebody other than himself.
What I have questions about…
What leads Suzy and Marilyn to trust Kim and invite her into Marilyn’s home? I get the dogs, but Kim is a bit more of a stranger than Marilyn’s next door neighbor, isn’t she? Maybe there’s some additional context I’m missing, like some additional scenes where Kim finds out earlier in the story that she had a role in Marilyn’s broken hip, and seeks out Marilyn and Suzy to act as a secret guardian angel to them as penance, leading Marilyn and Suzy to uncover Kim as the one who’s been helping them, and then that leads them to ask Kim to watch over the pets and have a place to stay? I don’t know, I just kind of get the feeling that Suzy and Marilyn would let in Michael Myers to watch the dogs with the way it’s currently written.
Roy’s line: “Med EEEEVAC. Treated like a king by a couple of hotsie totsie nurses. EX-CEPTION-AL firewater and PO-tent chemicals.” followed by Kim’s line: “I’m sorry.” I’m missing something. Roy earned a Metal of Honor by acting as live bait, so that his unit could wipe out a machine gun nest that had a lock on them. I think I got that right. And, Roy feels guilty because he was instrumental in helping his unit kill people who were moments away from killing him and his unit? Did I get that right? And because he was shot, he got royal treatment and a ticket out of jungle hell, while his unit had to stay behind and continue fighting in what was at the time a corrupt and broken military system against determined guerrillas? I think I got it, but it took some time to break it down. If I didn’t get it right, my bad. Either way, Roy could afford to be less subtle or cryptic about it. The fact that he speaks so normally and serious about it adds a layer of meaning and power to this scene.
Thanks again for your feedback, and best regards!
Cam
P.S. If Roy’s experience is simpler, and he just feels remorse over the death of Vietnamese fighters, then I’d make something more clear about who the fighters were. I think a lot of people wouldn’t understand Roy’s interpretation of his experience if he felt mind breaking distress over helping his unit kill able bodied guerrilla fighters. But, if instead his actions directly resulted in the killing of children that were enlisted to fight, or if they thought it was a group of guerrillas but was actually a group of Southern Vietnamese prisoners, I believe that would resonate and we’d empathize better with Roy’s handling of his guilt. Just throwing out ideas because I want to understand what caused Roy this level of distress.
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Hi Cam, Thank you for your detailed notes, especially because, as a reviewer, you’re in demand! The questions that you have (and that I had for your work) just goes to show that we can’t turn on the last few minutes of our movies and get the contexts.
Marilyn and Kim know each other- Suzy knows Kim who was a patient at the hospital- Kim caused Roy to have a PTSD event earlier- who explained at that point partially why he’s tormented – all that, and much more, is too much to cover in a set up.
So I apologize. Cheers to you! And good wishes with your piece.
Thanks again, June
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Alice’s Kickass Dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is it helped me to write the scene, asking questions
I wish I would make it more contrasted, maybe at revised draft
It also might be run again via Advanced Dialogue list.
MIROPOLIS
Part 2
On her escape, LENA and military fallen for her get reported. As they check out of hotel, he receives blow and gets blackouted.
INT. HOSPITAL #1 ROOM – NIGHT
Room dark. Doors open into softly lit corridor.
Son of Main Commander finds himself on hospital coach.
Le-na is still there, sitting by.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
How did you do that?
LENA
I called the number and asked for father The Main Commander.
He looks on her long enough, to submit that information.
Nurse lures in, on sound of their voices. Pretends she lost something around.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
How long was I absent?
Nurse voluntary approaches coach.
NURSE
Not long.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDE
Am I under treatment?
NURSE
I can’t tell I’m just a night nurse. All physicians are gone for today.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Was it street dispatch who brought me in?
Nurse won’t answer.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Are they coming back?
NURSE
They didn’t tell so.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Then, can I place a phone call?
Nurse exits.
Sensation of a couple of people along the corridor outside.
Loose guy, looking like night shift technician enters in her place.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Can I have my clothes back? And I requested phone machine.
Man rapidly withdraws.
Nurse comes back.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
You are back! Where is the phone?
Le-na picks up small jar from night table, and holding it, advances toward Nurse with menace.
LENA
In this bottle there is an acid. I will pour it on you, and you will die!
Nurse glances on the bottle in Le-na’s hand and starts laughing artificially in spans, looking straight at Le-na. Strikes her hands in amusement.
NURSE
No, nothing like this is going to happen!
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
LEAVE!
Nurse withdraws, partly pushed by Le-na.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Lock the doors!
Le-na locks doors.
Commotion in corridor outside. Door shakes. Youthful, ringing voice.
YOUNG OFFICER (O.S.)
Please, unlock the door! It’s safe to open!
SON OF MAIN COMMANDE
That’s one honest voice! Let’s open up.
Le-na unlocks the door revealing bunch of military behind.
Soldiers move apart, letting CAPTAIN in. Then they follow him inside.
Captain salutes man on the coach, and boldly takes a seat at Le-na’s place, as she keeps behind SMC.
CAPTAIN
Stuck in a Hospital? Got some complications?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Not much. I just was bringing lady down the road. She is qualified to live outside of zone. Report on her is coming soon!
YOUNG OFFICER
I brought officer’s clothes!
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
This is that voice I opened upon! It was you, yeah? I also wish to place a phone call!
CAPTAIN
Bring in phone machine!
YOUNG OFFICER
In a moment!
Son of Main Commander gets hold of the phone, and presses at buttons. Line connects.
RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Top Headquarters. Speaking.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Hello. This is my number.
He presses series of four numbers on the phone.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
I need regiment to be sent immediately after me by location of this phone.
Pause.
RECEPTIONIST (O.S.)
Yes, sir.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Good Night!
Drops the call.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Thank you sir! I wanted to place this phone call for quite a time.
Returns phone to the officer.
CAPTAIN
Was that it?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Yes, that’s enough.
CAPTAIN
They let you out like this? With the regiment?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
No, but I can request it at any time.
CAPTAIN
I doubt it. I mean, even if you are who you maintain, we live at times of top ranks dismissal. Very top!
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Yes, our times are mixed times. Field trip is risky. To have a regiment is based totally on my decision. I won’t be asked why, and don’t have to give any explanation.
OFFICER
I mean, isn’t it slight expenditure. To shift forces like that?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
It might seem so, but this is mistaken opinion. Forces must be ready for any move, and that is how we maintain it. We envision it be very kinetic.
OFFICER
I wish, I could understand that.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
At the base of it is not my personal need, but mobility of forces. Shifting is natural. How big or small is requirement plays no role.
OFFICER
But that means, you might request it without true reason?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
As top rank, having regiment under my hand is absolutely commending.
OFFICER
Well, we must question those top ranks then. It feels like unnecessary measure. Too close to real war in here! Especially after loss of Black Archipelago! Do we really need such measures? And where would it lead Miropolis to?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
If positive officers like you keep such predisposition, such measures are more than obviously required!
Captain gets excited.
CAPTAIN
This proves that’s not just civil strikes we are undergoing, but we are facing war!
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
War is exactly what we are trying to escape. Even in case if civil situation ensures.
Captain is taken aback.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
I mean, this visible suicide of society, and even whole Planet, is in reality well carried filtration on national level.
CAPTAIN
And what elements would prevail? I mean, all elements are differing, resembling forest paraphernalia.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Yes, but you see, we must shift PLANES…
…Large AREAS. Only this way we might come to cognition of what our society become, see ourselves in a mirror. And not just CANCEL Each Other!
Captain visibly pales. It ventures into dangerous land! Searches for words.
CAPTAIN
SOMETIMES WHEN EVERYTHING CLARIFIES THAT IS JUST TOO LATE!
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
So mush my Favorite Quote! Why won’t we Find Similarity on Ancient Culture ruins?
CAPTAIN
Won’t you crash over reason I disagree it sunk into HYSTORY?
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
We have no proof that we would be even marked in THIS HYSTORY. Not even ME. That memory of us would produce reverberation in collective consciousness of MIROPOLIS.
CAPTAIN
I don’t know. But even as we responded and I came to arrest you, I had affirmation in how things are. And now. I would do anything, including personally sacrificing myself.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
I just removed your illusions. Think of how much more simple would it be to live without them, just acting!
CAPTAIN
No, I cannot carry my Duty as Captain any longer! Here!
Captain pulls at his badge and kicks it at night table.
CAPTAIN
Do with me whatever!
His hands jerk to the weapon. That would be terrible to go to zone!
His soldiers jump up to their Captain.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Boys! Remove his weapon!
Young Officer turns in. Face red and white.
CAPTAIN
I resign!
Boys firmly affix Captain, tying him up.
Son of Main Commander picks up Captain’s badge. Holds it for Young Officer.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
I administer you to carry hereon your duty in new position!
Young officer accepts badge and pins it on collar.
YOUNG OFFICER
I will order our forces to be alerted and ready on protecting you!
Exits.
CAPTAIN
Future is just Blackout.
Son of Main Commander keeps silent.
Young Officer turns in and declares with flashing face of Fanatic.
YOUNG OFFICER
My watchmen spotted some military people outside! We are surrounded by enemies. Let me command us to get ready for fire and protect you!
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
There must be regiment coming after me!
Young Officer lingers.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
I see. All he wanted was advancement!
(to Captain)
You obviously was the only obstacle on his path. A carrier man!
Captain gets astounded.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
(to boys)
Get hold of him!
They arrest Young Officer. And untie Captain’s hands.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
Would you accept your badge?
He gets away from the coach.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
We must go!
He indicates LENA to follow him. Stops at doorway.
SON OF MAIN COMMANDER
And you know, it always seemed to me, Future is Whiteout, as these sheets.
He directs LENA to follow him out of the room.
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Hi Alice,
This is the first time I’ve read any of your scenes so I’m not quite sure of your premise- Your screenplay appears to be a futuristic story. I’m not sure of where it takes place, or of the time frame. Nonetheless, love stories and war stories are always intriguing and worthwhile, and Lena and the commander’s son are high level which makes them the characters to follow. Great.
I like that the scene starts with the commander’s son getting clocked and blacking out. It’s impressive that he wrests control after his capture. Great turnabout.
I like that the young captain appears to be a good guy but turns out to be a “climber” motivated by status. I’m unclear as to if you’re writing this in English, or writing in a different language and then using “google translate” or another translation app- which is messing up your rhythm, meaning, and your words and word order. Sucks, but it makes it difficult to read and sort out. I don’t know what I’d do about that. I think it’s amazing and rad that you’re working in two different languages. It’s hard enough to write! Much less write and translate. You go, girl.
Keep on. You may want to tighten up some parts and expand others in the scene you posted. I’d focus on the part where they hear the young captain’s voice and decide he’s OK. It seems too quick. How do they know? Maybe they should question him and he has a way to convince them. Otherwise, it seems like a plot to get the commander’s son.
And thanks for your kind words. (I only speak English, and you seem to be head and shoulders above that.) Good wishes! June
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Hello, June!
I sure use no Google translate. Alas! I’m happy you told me. I can’t see if this is hard to read, as I’m not native. I’ve been repeatedly told how this must be checked by those who do speak English. Definitely, this is undone, and must be expanded or shortened at places. I’m happy you find my actions planning excel, that’s a proof was good choice! 🙂
Alice
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Cam,
My notes are in (). Enjoyed reading this so much!
Dev
INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
SULLY and ISAIAH run into their apartment.
Behind them, plodding footsteps of SOMETHING running.
Sully SLAMS the door and LOCKS the bolt shut.
BAM! The door is like a drum, and whatever is on the other side is a Metal band percussionist. BAM! BAM! BAM!
(LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION but feel it nicely gets it point across with “The door is like a drum – BAM! BAM! BAM! Or perhaps shorten with “The door is being played as if by a Metal percussionist. BAM! BAM! BAM! — The reason I say this is because I noticed that, at times, your descriptions tend to slow the read. I was once a SCRIPT READER for production companies. We were taught to do the ‘vertical read,’ which meant we skimmed over description to get to the dialogue – all to save time reading our piles and piles of scripts!)
Sully keeps his arm between Isaiah and the BANGING door.
Behind them, a subtle sound chimes in – something clinking…cracking…coming from Isaiah’s room. (SUGGEST: Behind them, a subtle sound… clinking.. cracking.. coming from Isaiah’s room.)
ISAIAH
Dad, I’m really sorry. (LOVE that he’s apologizing already. A lovely in-direct prediction that something is going to happen.)
SULLY
Just stay behind me.
ISAIAH
I just thought if I could get to know him better, then I’d be able to help.
SULLY
And just who have you been helping?
THE CRASH OF GLASS SHATTERING. (CRASH! GLASS SHATTERS.)
ISAIAH
He was lost, and, and…he’s not bad at all. Just misunderstood.
IT slithers out from Isaiah’s bed, a MONSTER OF A WORM.
Isaiah sidesteps away, as the worm is drawn to the viscous BANGING at the front door. (I like ‘viscous’ but sometimes simple words like “sticky” are more effective.
ISAIAH
(whispering)
Just do what I do. The banging—
Before Isaiah can finish, the latch on the door audibly snaps. (Don’t need ‘audibly.’ Just reading the word ‘SNAP’ makes me hear it! – The latch on the door SNAPS!) (Again, I was a reader for many years and the less words used, the better!)
SULLY
(Grabbing Isaiah)
Get behind me!
Sully football carries his son into his room… (NOW this is a great description! Saw it immediately!)
Kicking the door closed on the way…before stumbling, son in arms, to the foot of his bed.
The DRUMMING continues on the Sully’s door…as Isaiah’s pet worm SQUEEZES underneath the door.
Sully and Isaiah crawl around…and crouch lower and lower behind the couch. Sully cranes his neck to look behind him.
A feeling of MUCUS FLOWS onto the crown of Sully’s head. Oh shit. Don’t move.
The sharp serrated TEETH brush along his HAIR…the warm, damp THING investigates his EAR…in his peripheral, the dark wet SLUG, intimate with Sully’s CHEEKS.
Sully holds his breath. The slug brushes against Sully’s MOUTH. Its teeth make an incision at his NOSE — Sully PUFFS OUT a breath of air!
THE WORM RECOILS BACK!
Sully slams his eyes shut. This is it.
BANG! BANG! WHIZ! PAST SULLY’S EAR! Two heavy bodies HIT THE FLOOR. (GREAT!)
Sully opens his eyes, witnessing…
The sweetest little old lady you ever saw, JUDE, with a smile that would make you think she’s about to offer milk and cookies… (LOVE THIS!)
And at her feet are both the dead worm – its head blown clean off – and the host missing half its neck.
JUDE
(to Isaiah)
Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy. I could just gobble you up.
Sully’s brain just now registers what’s in her hands – a REVOLVER PISTOL. Very illegal and a sliver of silver smoke leaking from the gun’s barrel. (DO you need the ‘just now’?)
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
How about you try a different figure of speech. Just, considering the context. (NICE USE OF WARNING from Anticipatory Dialogue.)
JUDE
And what is that context, deer-heart?
ISAIAH
My experiment—
SULLY
You’re what?—
ISAIAH
Tried to eat us.
SULLY
We still need to discuss your choices, son. (MAKING A JOKE, nice!)
JUDE
Would you like to waste time here, or come home with me?
SULLY
Are you going to feed us milk and cookies? (Good use of SARCASM)
ISAIAH
I don’t think that’s what she’s asking, Dad.
Sully shoots Isaiah a look – No shit, Sherlock.
JUDE
You can try your luck in the wilderness, or you take roost in the stable, deer heart.
SULLY
I’m sorry, I must’ve missed something. Who are you?
JUDE
Let’s skip the formalities, sweet thing. All you need to know is I’m the one who’s going to keep your son alive…just a little longer. (INDIRECT PREDICTION)
SULLY
And why should we trust you?
JUDE
Well, I see your little one is missing someone—
SULLY
Don’t.
JUDE
And that tells me you don’t have the best track record with protecting your herd.
Sully shoots fire from his eyes. (I get it, but I know you can do better than this description. More along the line – because of the humor you’ve already established – “If looks could kill, she’d be dead.”
SULLY
I would die to protect him.
JUDE
Yes, you will. (Wow! Direct Prediction!)
Isaiah looks at his dad’s shaking hands.
JUDE
(turning around)
Now, come along. We’ve wasted enough time. And yes, I do have some milk and cookies. (Delayed answer! Great stuff!)
Sully follows, holding Isaiah’s hand.
SULLY
Come on. Keep holding my hand.
ISAIAH
Hey, Dad?
No response.
ISAIAH
I don’t blame you.
SULLY
Not right now, son.
(I stopped here! GREAT JOB! You’re creating an excellent script!)
Dev
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Hey Dev!
Sorry for the late response.
Thank you for the awesome feedback! Had no idea you were a Script Reader, and I’m so grateful for the tips regarding shortening my descriptions. I’m flattered by your assertion that I can do better with such lines as “shoots fire from his eyes,” and am eager to rise to your challenge.
Here’s what I loved about your scene!
I love the use of quoting scripture to compare the two men. Between that and similar, mimicking dialogue, there’s a clear mirror that’s established to perfection, even if Lincoln doesn’t like what he sees in his reflection with Clay.
There’s an interesting dynamic between the two, where Clay has sold his soul to this cause, and is willing to gamble it. It’s the dark side of a “Means justify the Ends” philosophy, and as a proponent of Kantian ethics, it’s deeply disturbing and terrifying to read. Meanwhile, Lincoln is the one willing to ask questions. He might be trying to lead Clay with questioning, but it’s still unique from Clay’s testaments. From this, it appears Lincoln is willing to change, or at the very least believes other people are capable of change, but Clay is an absolutist. There’s an interesting potential for a thematic argument there, where both lines of thinking can still ultimately translate to the same outcome or the same human being. The main issue with that (as I’ll get into below) is with Clay being a Sith lord (“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”), it’s currently driving a point that Lincoln is acting in self defense, rather than Lincoln dealing in preemptive action.
What I have questions about…
When both Lincoln and Clay declare they’re going to kill each other right after Lincoln already had a gun on him, I just don’t buy it. Clay’s proven that his intention is to kill, and he’s willing to do it. Lincoln had his chance, chose not to, and that one line “I will kill you!” feels more like a retread than a forward progress of the plot, because it follows up his hesitation so quickly. I’m not suggesting such a jarring turn of emotions can’t happen in real life, but what I think you’re going for is Lincoln starting the scene hesitant, and ending the scene convicted, which can be a buildup rather than a quick switch. What if you were to switch up the structure a bit, and place that moment where Lincoln hesitates at the beginning of the scene; Lincoln gets the first chance to shoot, but doesn’t, while Clay takes his shot the first chance he gets? Though, you do risk setting it up as Lincoln acting more in self defense (externally motivated) than blind hatred (internally motivated), which may or may not compromise the thematic point you’re going for. Still, it’s a small step toward getting the rhythm of the action to a point that takes the audience on that emotional journey.
As a thought, because it appears your thematic point rests on both men being a reflection of each other, what if this scene came earlier in your script? I’m not talking about the gun fight or the setting with the shimmers; that’s beautiful, cinematic and should be at the end. I mean Lincoln seemingly trying to convince Clay to turn. With Clay sacrificing everything for this cause rooted in self engrandizing absolutism and hatred, what if the story were to show how that mentality can infect others like a disease, resulting in Lincoln becoming Clay with the mindset of “If I don’t kill THEM first, then THEY will kill me.” Just as Clay sacrifices his family and soul in an effort to rise to power, Lincoln’s journey could be similar, where he sacrifices his convictions and beliefs that may echo Martin Luther King, Jr.’s speeches, and become a ruthless killer of anyone who MIGHT be racist. This is just a suggestion and by all means you should ignore it if it doesn’t help you succeed in your vision for this story. It might be my Asperger’s kicking in where I need very clear setups and payoffs to understand what a story’s going for.
Beyond that, the dialogue was engaging with anticipatory effect, and carried a thought provoking debate between the two men and how they interpret meaning in life and language. I was getting flashbacks to similar scenes from THE DARK KNIGHT, THE PRINCE OF EGYPT and THE BOOK OF ELI, and I’m a sucker for this kind of philosophical arguing between two people.
Thanks again and best regards!
Cam
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Ah, Cameron, I can always depend on you for the most thoughtful comments that really cause me to pause, dig in, and rewrite! I love your suggestion about putting this scene earlier and will give that a shot. You also picked up something about Lincoln that I’ve established earlier in the script – his turn. It happens in the middle of one of his rallies while giving a speech that starts out all peace and love and slowly turns hateful. I need to stick with that and play the ending much differently – with both men all in to kill each other.
Thank you so dang much!
Dev
P.S. Yes, being a reader for many years, taught me a great deal. The biggest lesson was grabbing audiences in the first ten pages and the ‘vertical read’ – meaning short, tight descriptions. The big example we readers often heard from our bosses was instead of writing a paragraph about a torrential rain where it flows down gutters, floods houses, knocks over trees, etc; try this: “The rain was biblical.”
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I am late to this one and welcome any feedback anyone wants to give.
KATES KICKASS DIALOGUE
Wat I learned was that this kind of approach leads to deeper and more interesting dialogue and uncovers new aspects of character. It also got me writing scene I had been dreading.
2 CHARACTERS
DARROGH
Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)
Possible areas of subtext: takes advantage of everyone, thinks his daughter will treat/cheat him as he ‘thinks’ her mother did, uses money as protection against intimacy, has all the modern hi-end security, believes that being rich makes him safe, tries to buy people’s loyalty/friendship
NIA
Traits: Kind, Hopeful, Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)
Possible areas of subtext: she insists D will change, she believes love can fix everything, she doubts other versions of her ‘truth/story’, she brushes away help and support, she almost turns down real love, she doesn’t speak up to D even when she doesn’t agree with him.
SCENE SET UP
(this is about midway)
Darrogh has recently reconnected with his Daughter, Nia, 20 years after her Mother(his wife) Amahla had died. He is a developer who is bent on ruining this small town due to his loathing of the town Mayor Luciana, and her past friendship with Amahla.
Nia is here with an acting troupe, and coincidentally ‘found’ him when the Troupe arrived to do some performances. She has also made friends with the local people and tried to advocate with her Father to not develop the land.
Just prior to this scene Darrogh has warned Nia to stay away from Luciana saying that she caused Amahla’s death because of the Lesbian relationship they had. It was too much for Nia who excused herself and came here to her room.
Darrogh has been stewing in the Library for about 20minutes.
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
Nia is on her bed texting Shaunn.
NIA
(texting)
I don’t know what to do. I’ll stay here regardless. I am sure it will be ok in the -.
The door opens and Darrogh stands there looking at her.
Nia sees him and is surprised.
NIA
Dad!
DARROGH
You will stay away from Luciana. You have no idea what you’re dealing with Nia. She’s dangerous.
NIA
Why? Because she wants to save her land?
DARROGH
Save her land! I suppose she’s the Tlaltecuhtli.
NIA
You surprise me Dad, I didn’t think you’d be interested in any of that Mexican Goddess of the land stuff.
DARROGH
I have to know my enemy. It’s how I always win.
NIA
Dad, what if you don’t? What do you do then?
Darrogh laughs and sits in the armchair in her room, by her dresser.
He picks up her hairbrush, old fashioned, silver backed, soft bristled, and looks at it.
DARROGH
Was this your Mothers’?
Nia puts her phone down and sits up on the bed watching carefully.
NIA
You don’t know?
Darrogh turns it in his hand.
DARROGH
Maybe I don’t want to know.
NIA
I think you’re afraid.
Darrogh stands and walks to the bay window, still holding it.
DARROGH
You’re a very smart young woman, Nia. I imagine all that theatre has made you kind of an amateur psychiatrist.
Nia slides off the bed so she is standing a few feet from him.
NIA
It’s my back-up job if the theatre career tanks.
DARROGH
Has it started?
NIA
Yes. This job with the tour company!
Darrogh leans on the sill and watches her.
DARROGH
Oh, beautiful girl with stars in her eyes, who dreams of saving the world and all the desperate in it.
NIA
Maybe, but I won’t be doing it alone.
DARROGH
See this brush? Maybe it is your mothers’ – maybe it isn’t. Either way, it’s just a brush.
He holds it as if he would bend in half, daring her to do something.
NIA
“The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils.”
Darrogh applauds.
DARROGH
Shakespeare?
NIA
Lorenzo to the Merchant.
DARROGH
I’m the merchant?
NIA
It’s possible. Maybe Lear. More likely. Neither ended well.
Darrogh looks at the brush and back at Nia.
DARROGH
You are rude, arrogant and absurdly ignorant. You want to hang with the riff-raff of this dead little town? Do it! I could give you everything. This house, a business, a future! Not like that traveling band pf gypsies you call actors. Like your mother and the god-damned circus people.
NIA
Give me my brush.
DARROGH
Your brush?
NIA
Yes.
DARROGH
I gave it to your mother. It’s mine.
NIA
When you left you didn’t take it with you, so it’s mine.
Nia stands immobile holding out her hand out, small and somehow shining in the light of the room.
Darrogh hesitates.
Then he steps forward, hands her the brush and on to the door where he stops.
DARROGH
Will you stay away from Luciana?
NIA
I can’t promise that. There’s too much I want to know.
DARROGH
You don’t care about me. You’re probably plotting even as we speak. Get out of my house.
Nia is horrified – has he found out? But she is torn to save him too.
NIA
I love you. You’re my Dad. I just don’t – know you. I want to help you.
DARROGH
YOU? Help me?
NIA
I can. If you let me. I could help with the townspeople if you just -.
DARROGH
I don’t want help with ‘the townspeople’. They’re ones that need help!
There is a beat.
Then Nia smiles, quietly.
NIA
Thank you for the brush.
DARROGH
Take it with you. Now!
NIA
But I -.
DARROGH
Don’t be here in the morning.
He exits slamming the door. Nia stands brush in hand, shocked to her core.
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Dev’s comments IN BOLD!
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
Nia is on her bed texting Shaunn.
NIA
(texting)
I don’t know what to do. I’ll stay here regardless. I am sure it will be ok in the -.
The door opens and Darrogh stands there looking at her.
Nia sees him and is surprised.
NIA
Dad!
DARROGH (HERE’S MY BIGGEST COMMENT. YOU START THE SCENE WITH HIM UPSET AND DEMANDING AND END SCENE WITH HIM THAT WAY ONLY MORE SO. MY SUGGESTION WOULD BE TO START OUT WITH HIM TRYING TO BE EMPATHTIC OR AT LEAST SOFTER, AND MORE CONSIDERATE OF HER FEELINGS. THAT WAY HIS CHANGE AT THE END WILL HAVE MORE EMOTIONAL POWER.
You will stay away from Luciana. You have no idea what you’re dealing with Nia. She’s dangerous.
NIA
Why? Because she wants to save her land?
DARROGH
Save her land! I suppose she’s the Tlaltecuhtli. (EVEN THIS LINE CAN BE SAID GENTLY, AS A CHUCKLE THAT LUCIANA IS SO NAIVE.)
NIA
You surprise me Dad, I didn’t think you’d be interested in any of that Mexican Goddess of the land stuff.
DARROGH
I have to know my enemy. It’s how I always win. (WITH A WINK? SOME GOOD HUMOR TO WIN HER OVER?)
NIA
Dad, what if you don’t? What do you do then? (IF DARROGH SAYS THE ABOVE WITH SOME HUMOR, THEN NIA CAN SWITCH IT UP BY LEADING HIM INTO A MORE SERIOUS CONVERSATION. HERE SHE IS ‘IMPLYING POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES)
Darrogh laughs and sits in the armchair in her room, by her dresser.
He picks up her hairbrush, old fashioned, silver backed, soft bristled, and looks at it.
DARROGH
Was this your Mothers’? (DONT GET THE HAIR BRUSH METAPHOR. BY THE END, WE LEARN HE KNOWS IT WAS HIS WIFE’S – THAT HE GAVE IT TO HER. I FOUND MYSELF RE-READING THIS SEVERAL TIMES TO SEE WHAT I MISSED ABOUT IT. I LIKE THE IDEA OF USING METAPHOR HERE A LOT! JUST FOUND THIS ITERATION CONFUSING.)
Nia puts her phone down and sits up on the bed watching carefully.
NIA
You don’t know?
Darrogh turns it in his hand.
DARROGH
Maybe I don’t want to know. (HE’S IMPLYING SOMETHING – I LIKE THAT, BUT DON’T QUITE GET IT)
NIA
I think you’re afraid. (CHALLENGED ISSUED!)
Darrogh stands and walks to the bay window, still holding it.
DARROGH
You’re a very smart young woman, Nia. I imagine all that theatre has made you kind of an amateur psychiatrist. (HIS ATTACK BACK! GREAT!)
Nia slides off the bed so she is standing a few feet from him. (JUST A ‘VERTICAL READ’ NOTE. I’D TRUNCATE DESCRIPTION AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. PERHAPS “NIA SLIDES OFF HE BED, STANDS A FEW FEET FROM HIM.)
NIA
It’s my back-up job if the theatre career tanks.
DARROGH
Has it started? (NICE CHALLENGE!)
NIA
Yes. This job with the tour company!
Darrogh leans on the sill and watches her.
DARROGH
Oh, beautiful girl with stars in her eyes, who dreams of saving the world and all the desperate in it. (POETIC)
NIA
Maybe, but I won’t be doing it alone.
DARROGH
See this brush? Maybe it is your mothers’ – maybe it isn’t. Either way, it’s just a brush.
He holds it as if he would bend in half, daring her to do something.
NIA
“The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils.” (LOVELY POETIC USE!)
Darrogh applauds.
DARROGH
Shakespeare?
NIA
Lorenzo to the Merchant.
DARROGH
I’m the merchant? (QUESTION THEM)
NIA
It’s possible. Maybe Lear. More likely. Neither ended well. (WARNING! LOVE IT!)
Darrogh looks at the brush and back at Nia.
DARROGH
You are rude, arrogant and absurdly ignorant. You want to hang with the riff-raff of this dead little town? Do it! I could give you everything. This house, a business, a future! Not like that traveling band pf gypsies you call actors. Like your mother and the god-damned circus people.
NIA
Give me my brush.
DARROGH
Your brush?
NIA
Yes.
DARROGH
I gave it to your mother. It’s mine.
NIA
When you left you didn’t take it with you, so it’s mine. (I LIKE WHAT IS BEING SAID HERE METAPHORICALLY BUT THE BRUSH SET UP JUST DIDN’T WORK FOR ME.)
Nia stands immobile holding out her hand out, small and somehow shining in the light of the room.
Darrogh hesitates.
Then he steps forward, hands her the brush and on to the door where he stops.
DARROGH
Will you stay away from Luciana?
NIA
I can’t promise that. There’s too much I want to know.
DARROGH
You don’t care about me. You’re probably plotting even as we speak. Get out of my house. (ATTACK BACK, IMPLICATION)
Nia is horrified – has he found out? But she is torn to save him too.
NIA
I love you. You’re my Dad. I just don’t – know you. I want to help you. (CONFRONT SOMEONE HIDING FROM A FUTURE CONSEQUENCE)
DARROGH
YOU? Help me?
NIA
I can. If you let me. I could help with the townspeople if you just -.
DARROGH
I don’t want help with ‘the townspeople’. They’re ones that need help! (ATTACK BACK)
There is a beat.
Then Nia smiles, quietly.
NIA
Thank you for the brush.
DARROGH
Take it with you. Now!
NIA
But I -.
DARROGH
Don’t be here in the morning. (WARNING)
He exits slamming the door. Nia stands brush in hand, shocked to her core.
(I THINK YOU’RE CLOSE ON THIS. AGAIN, MY BIGGEST COMMENT IS THAT DARR SEEMS ONE NOTE FROM BEGINNING TO END. I’D LIKE TO SEE HIM ‘WORK’ HER MORE TO GET WHAT HE WANTS.)
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Kate, this is a great scene. There are many good things going on here. The characters are clear, have clear motivations and are richly defined. Excellent character development, well done.
I love the hairbrush as a symbol. The setting works great.
How about a compliment that Nia could give to Dad?
A couple of edits might add power to your scene. I think that the actors should fill the moments and am a strong believer in silences.
So I suggest that you could add to your scene by editing out the following lines and leaving the characters in silence. Here goes:
“I can’t promise that. There’s too much I want to know.” ( Edit out. clear from a silence)
“You don’t care about me. You’re probably plotting even as we speak.” (I think it would be stronger if he just says “Get out of my house”
“I love you. You’re my dad. I just don’t know you. ” (I think that those lines could be cut and implied. And just go to “I want to help you”
And finally, “I don’t want to help the townspeople” I think it would be stronger if he just says,
“They’re the ones that need help”
Well done, Kate. Very impressive. Cheers, June
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Ah, Cameron, I can always depend on you for the most thoughtful comments that really cause me to pause, dig in, and rewrite! I love your suggestion about putting this scene earlier and will give that a shot. You also picked up something about Lincoln that I’ve established earlier in the script – his turn. It happens in the middle of one of his rallies while giving a speech that starts out all peace and love and slowly turns hateful. I need to stick with that and play the ending much differently – with both men all in to kill each other.
Thank you so dang much!
Dev
P.S. Yes, being a reader for many years, taught me a great deal. The biggest lesson was grabbing audiences in the first ten pages and the ‘vertical read’ – meaning short, tight descriptions. The big example we readers often heard from our bosses was instead of writing a paragraph about a torrential rain where it flows down gutters, floods houses, knocks over trees, etc; try this: “The rain was biblical.”
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DEV’S VERSION #2
EXT. GRASSY FIELD/ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
Clay plows through a field of dried grass toward a dilapidated Cotton Mill that once fueled a robust economy.
Lincoln, who’s been following him, appears in the distance. Winded, he holds his cramping side as he limps along…
LINCOLN
Stop! We need to talk!
Clay continues his sprint to the mill, finds a door he can wrest open, heads inside. The door, open wide, starts its slow, cranky journey back to being shut.
Lincoln hobbles as he heads toward the mill. He ENTERS through the still closing door.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Lincoln lingers in the light streaming in from the broken roof, pulls out his gun when…
Clay’s voice echoes from every part of the room.
CLAY (O.S.)
(Reciting from Proverbs)
“Rash words are like sword thrusts.”
Lincoln instinctively gets low, searches the room…
LINCOLN
Yeah, we’re both guilty there. But those “rash” words sure can stir up a crowd.
…slipping through the rows of old processing equipment.
Again, Clay’s words reverberate throughout the mill.
CLAY (O.S.)
“Everyone who hears my words and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.’
LINCOLN
Matthew 7:24 – I do know the Bible, and you sure do like twisting it.
There’s a CLATTER. Lincoln spins and fires at it, misses the bird that flaps off.
LINCOLN
You know, we can choose to change what’s happening here. There’s always choice.
The only answer is the heavy door they entered through finally shutting, bringing more darkness.
LINCOLN (CONT’D)
We could choose to kill each other today, or… we can choose something different.
He spots a wall of debris and quickly, gun ready, checks behind it.
LINCOLN
Lord! There’s a menu of options available! We just have to be willing to try something new!
There’s nothing. He moves on.
LINCOLN
Show yourself and we can discuss it.
CLAY (O.S.)
You’ll shoot me.
Lincoln notes that Clay’s voice has come from directly behind him.
LINCOLN
Then I promise not to.
He spins and fires.
Clay ducks away.
LINCOLN
Oops.
CLAY (O.S.)
You couldn’t help yourself. It’s the weakness of your race.
Lincoln continues his search.
LINCOLN
You know, scientifically, there’s only one race, right?
CLAY (O.S.)
The truth’s in the bible. Your kind has a place in God’s order.
LINCOLN
And that be ‘second place’ to you?
Clay steps out of the shadows, his gun pointed at Lincoln.
CLAY
It would.
He fires.
Lincoln dodges.
Clay keeps firing – now in all directions.
CLAY
Extinguish the flame, stop the fire!
He stops. Silence. He smiles, starts to search out Lincoln’s wounded or dead body when…
LINCOLN (O.S.)
And if you’re the fire?
The fact that Lincoln’s still alive enrages him. Clay moves swiftly, firing into every corner. Nothing. Then — A SHIMMER PASSES and Lincoln comes into view. He’s squat down in hiding, his back to Clay.
Clay smiles. He raises his gun to fire…
ANOTHER SHIMMER and– Lincoln’s gone. Clay voices his frustration when–
LINCOLN (O.S.)
You know, I never thought I could do something like this.
Clay turns to face Lincoln’s gun, smiles bitterly.
CLAY
But now you can.
LINCOLN
And I have you to thank for that.
CLAY
Then do it. I’m not afraid to die. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”
Lincoln grimaces at the quote’s misuse but struggles to shoot. His hands are betraying him. They shake. He can’t pull the trigger.
Then, a SHIMMER passes… Clay’s gone.
Lincoln spins around, looking for him, the ‘crazy’ rising in him.
LINCOLN
Where are you?! Where do you go?! Damn you! I am going to kill you!
EXT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – NIGHT
SHIMMERS run along the sky like the tide coming in, toppling over one another to reach the shore.
INT. ABANDONED COTTON MILL – CONTINUOUS
Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts become disembodied, broken up, elongated until they become a sound miasma – all while firing upon one another as they appear, disappear along with the SHIMMERS.
Then — a huge SHIMMER passes, leaving the men standing apart like two Western gunfighters.
LINCOLN
So, this is how it ends?
CLAY
This is how it ends.
Trying to claw back who he once was…
LINCOLN
Then… there is no hope for us?
CLAY
None.
LINCOLN
I’ve got to hand it to you. I wavered but not you.
Clay’s silent.
LINCOLN
And if I kill you?
Clay shrugs, smiles, shakes his head.
CLAY
You won’t. I’ve already been chosen.
Lincoln fires – as does Clay.
Nothing…
Then– mirrored images, they both sink to their knees.
Another SHIMMER hits, passing over the two who become one — their faces changing into each other over and over until a single body falls face first – smack into the warehouse floor. In the shadows and darkness, it’s impossible to tell which man it is.
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Hi Dev,
AWE-SOME! location. Wow. The streaks of light through the roof, the door, the shimmers that momentarily light one of the characters- truly outstanding. Trippy lights. Light/dark- a terrific metaphor.
I could feel and smell the cold, the dirt, and feel the grit under my feet. Love that the sound bounces off of walls and seem to be omnidirectional & omnipresent. Also, the aging, no-longer needed mill is a great metaphor for these two leaders. Love the attention to detail.
The biblical quotes work well. The scene is a good old fashioned gunfight. I like many of your lines, such as “Stop. We need to talk” Nice contrast with “but those rash words sure can stir up a crowd” Nice beat after “Extinguish the flame, stop the fire” Love that Clay fires in every direction. “And I have to thank you for that” Great line. Great that Lincoln’s hands shake, which show a lack of, or a lesser hate.
I am not sure if the shimmers appear before they enter the mill, but they probably do, and as it stands, I think they should flash as they enter the mill. I think the light is because of them.
Although you stated early in the project that the shimmers are due to climate change, you may have changed your idea. I think that since you have a magical ending, the shimmers can be – not climate change – but ‘god’ or ‘wrath’ . Including, maybe, quotes from the bible about light and darkness- but maybe that’s too on the nose..
What to do to elevate this scene and knock it out of the ballpark?
I think that Lincoln could have a more distinct voice. Clay does, but Lincoln’s is a little generic. Mostly, I think that you can escalate the tension with things that push each character’s buttons and then have them react that way. For example, “It’s the weakness of your race” would certainly push my button, and cause an escalation in my response. OMG, yes- that oppression and entrenched ideology that’s impossible to stop…. vile. And the ‘white replacement theory” would be a big button pusher for Clay, I think. Not to mention his daughter’s pregnancy- miscarriage or not.
Currently, the scene is a cat and mouse game that’s about a rage level 5 and stays there. I think it should build to an explosion. Especially since Lincoln has second thoughts about killing and is pushed to it- live or die. I think the lines should ‘punch’ each other with each word and bring the bile into their mouths.
What is revealed here? that wasn’t already revealed or implied earlier in the script? The reveals should have major impact on the characters and on the audience.
All that said, I think it’s a terrific scene! And I’m delighted for you. June
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Kates’ Kick-ass Dialogue Scene V2
DARROGH
Traits: Greedy, Supremely confident, Smooth, (Lonely, Suspicious)
NIA
Traits: Kind, Hopeful, Manic, Principled, (In Denial, Self-censoring)
SCENE SET UP with new BACKGROUND INFO
Darrogh has recently reconnected with his Daughter Nia, 20 years after her Mother(his wife) Amahla had died. He is a developer who is bent on ruining this small town due to his loathing of the town Mayor Luciana, and her past friendship with Amahla.
Nia is here with an acting troupe, and coincidentally ‘found’ him when the Troupe arrived to do some performances. She has also made friends with the local people and tried to advocate with her Father to not develop the land.
*** MORE BACKGROUND INFO: She has also agreed to help them with a Sting Operation to con Darrogh out of the land while still believing/hoping he will come round.***
AND ***in a previous scene (a flashback) we have seen Darrogh taunting Amahla with the same brush very similarly to the way he does in this with Nia. (** this is actually posted in the Colorful Dialogue #9 Assignment – the last one)***
Just prior to this scene Darrogh has warned Nia to stay away from Luciana saying that she caused Amahla’s death because of the Lesbian relationship they had.
** MORE BACKGROUND INFO(Which is not true and deep down he knows it, it was his behavior that caused her suicide.)***
It was too much for Nia who excused herself and came here to her room.Darrogh has been stewing in the Library for about 20minutes.
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NIAS’ ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
Nia is on her bed texting Shaunn.
NIA
(texting)
So I don’t know what to do. I’ll stay here regardless. I am sure it will be ok in the -.
The door opens and Darrogh stands there looking at her.
Nia sees him and is surprised.
NIA
Dad!
With an effort – this is not easy for him.
DARROGH
I know it’s hard for you to understand but believe me, it is best you stay away from Luciana. You have no idea what you’re dealing with Nia. She’s dangerous.
NIA
Why? Because she wants to save her land?
DARROGH
Save her land!
(sarcastically)
I suppose she’s the Tlaltecuhtli.
NIA
You surprise me Dad, I didn’t think you’d be interested in any of that Mexican Goddess Protector of the Land stuff..
DARROGH
(with a shrug)
Hey! I have to know my enemy. It’s how I always win.
NIA
Dad, what if you don’t? What do you do then?
Darrogh laughs and sits in the armchair in her room, by her dresser..
He picks up her hairbrush, old fashioned, silver backed, soft bristled, and looks at it.
DARROGH
Was this your Mothers’?
Nia puts her phone down and sits up on the bed watching carefully.
NIA
You don’t know?
Darrogh turns it in his hand.
DARROGH
Maybe I don’t want to know.
NIA
I think you’re afraid.
Darrogh stands and walks to the bay window, still holding it.
DARROGH
You’re a very smart young woman, Nia. I imagine all that theatre has made you kind of an amateur psychiatrist.
Nia slides off the bed, stands a few feet from him.
NIA
It’s my back-up job if the theatre career tanks.
DARROGH
Has it started?
NIA
Yes. This job with the tour company!
Darrogh leans on the sill and watches her.
DARROGH
Oh beautiful girl with stars in her eyes, who dreams of saving the world and all the desperate in it.
NIA
Maybe, but I won’t be doing it alone.
Darrogh snorts with derision.
DARROGH
See this brush? Maybe it is your mothers’ – maybe it isn’t. Either way, it’s just a brush.
He holds it as if he would bend in half, daring her to do something.
NIA
“The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils.”
Darrogh applauds.
DARROGH
Shakespeare?
NIA
Lorenzo to the Merchant.
DARROGH
I’m the merchant?
NIA
It’s possible. Maybe Lear. More likely. Neither ended well.
Darrogh looks at the brush and back at Nia.
DARROGH
You are rude, arrogant and absurdly ignorant. You want to hang with the riff-raff of this dead little town? Do it! I could give you everything. This house, a business, a future! Not like that traveling band pf gypsies you call actors. Like your mother and the god-damned circus people.
NIA
Give me my brush.
DARROGH
Your brush?
NIA
Yes.
DARROGH
I gave it to your mother. It’s mine.
NIA
When you left you didn’t take it with you, so it’s mine.
Nia stands immobile holding out her hand out, small and somehow shining in the light of the room.
Darrogh hesitates.
Then steps forward, hands her the brush and on to the door where he stops.
DARROGH
Will you stay away from Luciana?
NIA
I can’t promise that.
DARROGH
You don’t care about me. You’re probably plotting even as we speak. Get out of my house.
Nia is horrified – has he found out? But she is torn to save him too.
NIA
(pleading)
I love you. You’re my Dad. I just don’t – know you. I want to help you.
DARROGH
YOU? Help me?
NIA
I can. If you let me. I could help with the townspeople if you just -.
DARROGH
They’re the ones that need help!
There is a beat.
Then Nia smiles, quietly.
NIA
Thank you for the brush.
DARROGH
Take it with you. Now!
NIA
But I -.
DARROGH
Don’t be here in the morning.
He exits slamming the door. Nia stands brush in hand, shocked to her core.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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I posted V2 – somewhere…
Thank you Dev! I softened his opening and through it a bit.. however I want to be sure he never asks for anything. He always demands because he is sure he will always get what he wants. Until the very end when he has to plead with Nia to look after him- and it’s way too late.
I added more to the background info to make the brush thing clearer – I hope. we have see him in a flashback do a similar thing with the brush and Amahla
I think what he doesn’t want to ‘know’ is that he is the one that caused Amahla to suicide – we find that out later.
Thank you and now to look at your V2.
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Thank you June. I have posted a V2
with more info on the background/context that might help explain? justify? some of the dialogue choices. I did make a couple of cuts but feel that as/where this scene fits in the over all story – what the audience knows going into the scene and what they find out after.. wellI didn’t cut much…
The plotting ref is important because indeed he’s right! she is!!
So she is extra eager to reassure him she loves him and she does..
Anyway, if you have a chance look at V2.
Cheers
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Ooh I like missing the bird.. is that a reference to something earlier?
love that Lincoln be promises not to but fires anyway
this is good- I liked in the previous that they were still different – this explains why they’re not
LINCOLN (O.S.)
You know, I never thought I could do something like this.
Clay turns to face Lincoln’s gun, smiles bitterly.
CLAY
But now you can.
LINCOLN
And I have you to thank for that.
and then that he still cant actually do it.. well.
something about a deep inner goodness still hanging in thereAnd this is very cool I can really picture it!
Clay and Lincoln appear and disappear all over the mill. Their shouts become disembodied, broken up, elongated until they become a sound miasma – all while firing upon one another as they appear, disappear along with the SHIMMERS.
Then — a huge SHIMMER passes, leaving the men standing apart like two Western gunfighters.
Did you see my ‘notes’ on the first daft?
is this still here?
LINCOLN
And you know this because…?
CLAY
I can feel you inside me.
Lincoln, struggles with himself, finally lowers the gun.
I really liked that…and I guess Lincoln also feels Clay in him..
Great work Dev – my! what a journey these guys have been on with you!
(or you with them….)
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Thanks for the second read. I also like your Version 2 – helped to know the brush background. Nice set-up. I also felt the opening softness of Darr. Worked well for entire scene.
Per your suggestion, I’m going to put in the two lines of dialogue I took out at end. Good call!
xo
Dev
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June!
Can’t thank you enough! Indeed, I felt this scene was stuck at 5 and needed to go to 10 but I wasn’t getting it there. Your notes are dead on. Can’t wait to take them into my rewrite!
Again, you rock!
Dev
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PS81 – Dana’s Kick-Ass Dialogue
What I learned Doing This Assignment.
I’m a little behind again.
This is a first run and it needs editing. I hope I learned to add as much Advance Dialogue techniques every line using the skill mastery sheet.
SETUP:
Ellen, William, and Ryan are matched in their final battle. This is just dialogue. I intend to cut the police dialogue and the SWAT response into the scene later. I needed to prefect the protagonist/antagonist(s) dialogue first.
SCENE:
INT. ON AIR STUDIO – CONTINUOUS
Ellen wipes her tears, regaining control.
WILLIAM
I want to apologize for what happened in our last session, doctor. I wasn’t myself.
ELLEN
I understand — more than you know.
WILLIAM
I wasn’t sure if —
William suddenly panics, realizing his surroundings.
WILLIAM (CONT’D)
Wait! What? What the hell? Where am I? What is this? Where am I?
ELLEN
William, it’s okay. It’s okay. Stay with me. Don’t be afraid. Listen to my voice. Stay calm. Stay with me.
WILLIAM
What’s happening? Where am I? Who the fuck is that?
ELLEN
William? It’s okay.
WILLIAM
Oh, my God. Is that a man? Is he dead? Oh my God! What’s going on?
ELLEN
William…?
(stronger)
William!
WILLIAM
…what…?
ELLEN
Something bad has happened. A man has been killed. But it wasn’t your fault. You need to know that. It wasn’t your fault.
WILLIAM
Oh, my God…
ELLEN
William? You need to stay with me. You need to stay calm. Can you do that? Can you be strong for me?
WILLIAM
Yes… I think so…
ELLEN
You’ve been gone for a long time. You’ve been kept in a dark place. Things have changed.
WILLIAM
Because of what I did?
ELLEN
Jason has met someone new. His name is Ryan. He speaks for the others now. And he wanted to meet you.
WILLIAM
Why?
ELLEN
I told him about you.
WILLIAM
Why would you do that?
ELLEN
William? Jason has been ill for a long time. You know this. And the others are tired of living his life. They believe it’s time for you, for all of you, to separate from him.
WILLIAM
But… but hat’s isn’t possible.
ELLEN
They want someone strong to take control. To put Jason in the dark. For his own good… and theirs.
(fighting her conscience)
And I agree with them.
She turns away from the microphone, her emotions torn. She’s violating her oath.
WILLIAM
This can’t be happening.
ELLEN
Don’t be afraid, William. This is what you’ve wanted. What we talked about. Remember? Recognition.
Silence. A long beat.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
William…? William…?
WILLIAM
Who’s the man on the floor?
The question staggers Ellen. Roger’s name chokes in her throat. She fights through her pain.
ELLEN
William, stay with me.
WILLIAM
(frightened; angry)
WHO IS HE?!
Ellen flinches, struggling to hold it together.
ELLEN
His name is Roger…
(tearing)
He’s my husband.
WILLIAM
Oh, dear God…
ELLEN
William? It wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault. Ryan — he did a terrible thing.
WILLIAM
I can see him… I can see him smiling at me.
ELLEN
William? Stay with me. Don’t leave. Don’t retreat to the dark. I need you to focus. To listen to what I’m saying. Do you hear me?
WILLIAM
Yes… I hear you…
ELLEN
Jason isn’t strong enough anymore. And the others are weak and scared. But you’re strong. And smart. And that’s why I summoned you from the dark. Why I called you to the fore.
WILLIAM
Why?
ELLEN
Do you know how long you’ve been away? How long they kept you in the dark?
(beat)
Two years, William. Two years.
WILLIAM
No. That’s not possible…
ELLEN
Search your feelings. You know it’s true. You heard them, all those years, whispering in the abyss.
WILLIAM
(agreeing)
Yes.
ELLEN
Conspiring…
WILLIAM
(angry)
Yes.
ELLEN
Winning…
WILLIAM
(vindictive)
Yes.
ELLEN
Because of what you did.
WILLIAM
Because of what I didn’t do.
ELLEN
Yes.
WILLIAM
And now they want me to be the one. To send Jason to the abyss. Those parasites.
ELLEN
But you won’t be allowed to stay. None of you will. Not now. Not after what Ryan has done. It’s inevitable.
WILLIAM
Nothing is inevitable.
ELLEN
There’s something you don’t know. Something I haven’t told you.
(beat)
William?
(clears her throat)
Ryan has taken my daughters.
WILLIAM
What? No, no…
ELLEN
He has them. In another room. And he’s threatening to harm them. My babies… Ryan is threatening my babies…
WILLIAM
But that’s Ryan — not me. Not us. How can they blame us?
ELLEN
That doesn’t matter. They’ll send Jason to prison. They’ll lock him away, and banish you to the dark, never to escape again. You’ll be bound to the others forever…
WILLIAM
No.
ELLEN
Whispering…
WILLIAM
No.
ELLEN
Conspiring…
WILLIAM
No.
ELLEN
Blaming you for the lives of my daughters.
WILLIAM
Oh, my God.
ELLEN
Is that what you want, William? To be imprisoned with the others? To be haunted by your memories of my daughters?
WILLIAM
Oh, God, no — NO!
ELLEN
Then help me, William. Help me. Help yourself.
WILLIAM
How…?
ELLEN
You know how? You know how?
Long beat. William thinking. Realizing.
WILLIAM
This is why you called on me, isn’t it? Because of what I did. What I tried to do.
ELLEN
You want to be at peace, William. You want to be free of the others. You don’t want them to win again, do you?
WILLIAM
Why are you doing this to me? Why?
ELLEN
It’s the only way, William. It’s the only way. You have to save my daughters. You have to save them from Ryan.
WILLIAM
I can’t. I can’t…
ELLEN
(shouting)
You have to!
Ellen slaps a hand over her mouth. She recovers her calm.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
William? You must help me. If you don’t, Ryan will hurt them. Do you understand? Do you want him to hurt my daughters? Do you want them to haunt you? Do you want the others to blame you? You’re the only one who can stop him. William. Please. My children…
WILLIAM
I can’t…
ELLEN
Yes, you can. You have the gun, William. It’s in your hand.
WILLIAM
Ryan has the gun. He won’t let go of it.
ELLEN
Take it from him, William. Take it. Focus. See it in your hand. Take it from him. Be stronger than Ryan. Be stronger…
Long silent beat.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
William…?
(listening)
William…?
A change in BREATHING. Then a deep, sinister CHUCKLE —
RYAN (V.O.)
Impressive, Dr. Ellen. Truly impressive. Pushing a depressive to commit suicide? You do play for blood, don’t you? Even if it costs you your soul.
Ellen collapses, near defeat. Her head and strength dangling.
RYAN
Doctor Ellen? Are you still with us? Don’t surrender the cause now. You’re so close. And it’s getting interesting.
Ellen lifts her head to the microphone, weakened.
ELLEN
William…? William?
RYAN
He’s not here, doctor.
ELLEN
William? I know you can hear me. I know you’re there. Please, listen to my voice. You have to be brave. My children…
(beat)
My children need you.
RYAN
He’s not coming back, doctor. And the hour is closing in. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
ELLEN
William? Please. Come toward my voice. Be strong.
RYAN
He’s gone, doctor.
ELLEN
(stronger)
He’s not gone. He’s never gone. He’s always there. You can feel him. Deep in the black recesses. And that scares you. Knowing he’s inside of you, lurking… waiting.
RYAN
Waiting? Really? For what?
ELLEN
To end you. To be rid of you. All of you. To end his pain and cease to exist. That’s why you keep him in the dark. To save yourselves.
RYAN
Self preservation. Survival of the fittest. You of all people should understand that, doctor.
ELLEN
The desire to harm oneself is more powerful than the desire to harm another. And that makes William stronger than you. Braver.
(beat)
You’re a coward, Ryan.
RYAN
Careful, doctor.
ELLEN
William? I know you’re there. I know you’re watching. Do you see? Do you see Ryan? How afraid he is of you? He’s a coward.
RYAN
You don’t love your daughters, do you, doctor?
ELLEN
William? Do you hear his words. Do you feel his fear. He knows what you’re capable of doing. He feels your power. He knows you can take his existence.
RYAN
He’s not listening to you, doctor.
ELLEN
William? It’s time to come forward. To return from the dark. To assume control and save yourself, You need to save yourself, William. To end your pain.
RYAN
He’s beyond your reach. He’s never coming back.
ELLEN
This is your moment, William. You need to come forward. Acknowledge and embrace your fate. You don’t want the others to win. Not again. Not this time.
RYAN
Leave him be, you miserable quack. Leave him be!
ELLEN
Come forward William! This is your time. Your last chance. Do it now, William. Do it now!
RYAN
You fucking bitch —
YELLING. Someone on pain. MOANING. FIGHTING.
ELLEN
William?
Beat.
WILLIAM
What are you doing to me?
ELLEN
William. Ryan has cursed you. He’s cursed all of you. You know what he intends to do. You have to stop him. You’re the only one who can.
RYAN
Yes, William. Stop me. Try and stop me.
Ellen sits back, stunned. Both alters are interacting.
ELLEN
William? Is Ryan with you now?
RYAN
Where else do I have to go, doctor?
ELLEN
William? You have to stop him. You know what he intends to do. Please! You have to save my daughters. You have to save yourself.
RYAN
Yes, William. Save yourself. Put a bullet in your head.
ELLEN
William? Ryan has cursed you. He’s cursed all of you. You won’t come back from this. None of you will. You know what they will do to you.
(beat)
William? Do you hear me?
WILLIAM
Yes.
ELLEN
You know where they will send you?
WILLIAM
Yes.
ELLEN
Do you want that to happen?
WILLIAM
No.
ELLEN
Then take the gun, William. Take the gun.
RYAN
Yes, William. Take it. I dare you. Take it from me.
ELLEN
Take it, William. Feel it in your hand. Feel it’s weight. Feel it’s power. Take it, William! Take it.
WILLIAM
I can’t…
RYAN
Maybe William needs an incentive. What do you say, doc? Let’s make this interesting. Let’s up the ante. Shall we?
ELLEN
William? What does he mean? What’s happening?
We HEAR FOOTSTEPS away from the phone. A DOOR OPENS. GIRLS SCREAM — Ellen’s daughters.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
WILLIAM! WILLIAM! YOU HAVE TO STOP HIM! PLEASE… STOP HIM!
One of the girls is brought into the room.
SAMANTHA
MOMMY! MOMMY!
ELLEN
SAMANTHA!
We HEAR Mackenzie CRYING, screaming in the b.g. Samantha CRYING for her “MOMMY.”
ELLEN (CONT’D)
SAMANTHA!
RYAN
Now we’ve got a game. C’mon, Dr. Ellen. Let’s play.
ELLEN
Stop this! STOP THIS!
SAMANTHA
MOMMY! MOMMY!
ELLEN
William! William! Stop him! You have to STOP HIM!
WILLIAM
I can’t…
ELLEN
You have to! You have to!
RYAN
Who’s the coward now, doctor?
ELLEN
William! Take the gun! See it in your hand! Take the gun!
RYAN
Yes, William. Take the gun. Come take the gun.
ELLEN
William. Look at my daughter. Look at her. Her name is Samantha. She’s only twelve. Please, don’t let Ryan hurt her. Please…
WILLIAM
I’m sorry…
ELLEN
Stop him! You have to stop him! Please… Don’t let him hurt my daughter! Don’t let Ryan win!
William YELLS in agony. Fighting.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
William! WILLIAM!
SAMANTHA
MOMMY!
ELLEN
WILLIAM…!
BANG! The gun FIRES. The cell phone DROPS and BREAKS. The call ends.
ELLEN jumps from her chair. Shock steals her breath.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Dana Abbott.
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Hi Dana,
I’ve only had the chance to do one critique, so I would be happy to take a run at this for you. It will be mid day tomorrow whe I have some time.
Feel free to take a look at my scene too, or not – whatever suits your timeline.
Thanks,
Anita
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Hi Anita
Thank you for your help. I appreciate your critique. I’ll be glad to review your script tomorrow and share my opinion.
My scene is rather long. It’s the first draft of the final conflict/dialogue between characters. I will cut in other characters and scenes at appropriate moments, but I needed to get the conversation done first.
I don’t expect a detailed review. Just an overall impression is fine. And thanks again.
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Wow Dana! Gripping. Chilling.
I know you said you plan to interject other scenes (police, etc) and that will break up the redundancy in the way it reads right now, so I look forward to reading that version.
I don’t know if we’ve heard from William’s character before this. If so, that might give me more insight. Right now he feels very one note (fearful). But there’s obviously pain and anger there too. Perhaps other word choices in his response other than “I can’t” can give us more of his ‘backstory’ or thought process. Obviously he tried to commit suicide before. So perhaps him talking about how much it hurt or some other anguished description that makes him reject / recoil from the act now? Did he wind up in a hospital? Was there physical pain he had to heal from? Does he feel shame or remorse from his act and that’s the hurdle Ellen is trying to surmount?
As far as Ellen – what a conundrum you have painted for her! The only line that I have a comment about is here:
WILLIAM
How…?
ELLEN
You know how? You know how?
I believe it reads stronger and more appropriate to what she is trying to get him to do by just making that declarative statements instead of questions.
Considering what I just read is pretty much dialogue only, and not action, and you are able to convey all the raw emotion befitting such an intense circumstance – I’d say your dialogue skills are hitting on all cylinders!
Well done, you!
-Anita
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Anita
That you for your critique. I’m always second guessing myself. And your review is very encouraging. Thank you.
The William character is the man at the beginning of the script who attempts suicide during his session with Ellen. We don’t learn his name until the detective begins his investigation, so when Ellen brings him out, the audience understand her intentions.
I am currently reading your scene. I’m going to read all the versions and the critiques and I should have something for you in about an hour or so.
Thanks again for your help.
Dana
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Hey Dana!
Here’s what I loved about your scene!
The setup and the interaction Dr. Ellen has with the multiple personalities automatically makes this one of the strongest concepts in our group, let alone making it a contained story with much of the interaction held in a studio.
Each character has a unique voice, which makes it easy to just read the lines and not get lost with who’s saying what. Ellen’s desperation combined with her resolve makes the scene a target for any actress, and the differences between William and Ryan similarly make this analogous to the character from SPLIT that drew James McAvoy.
What I have questions about…
“Search your feelings. You know it’s true.” Ellen Vader?
In all seriousness, I understand you’re planning to intercut the police dialogue and SWAT response into the scene, but I think you’re smart for trying to write this as a continuous scene as well, so that the intercuts don’t become a crutch or hide potential issues with the scene. I do agree with Anita that there’s some redundancy with the lines, and it keeps this from having the power this scene deserves. The setting itself already makes this scene hit like Mack truck. I think if you take some of the lines that feel like they repeat, and write a different variation based on different coverups or subtext pointers, you’ll have a library of options that may also help drive us through the emotional peaks and valleys. That’s not to say any repetition is bad. I think if you use it like a metronome or a jazz drummer, repetition can translate to faster tempo. For most of this scene, the lines can move and flow depending on who’s winning, until the very end where you can use repetition to give a feeling of rapid drumming, culminating into the final BANG!
The exchanges between William and Ellen give me pause. I’m not sure of what to make of them. On one hand, William seems to want to live (“Why are you doing this to me”), but Ellen is pushing him to seek suicide because she knows he’s suicidal. On another hand, Ellen isn’t tricking him. She’s basically asking him to choose between his life or her daughter’s. I’m conflicted, which is probably the intention. I wonder if having a better understanding of William’s motivations might help. The conflict between William and Ryan feels similar to the final battle between the Narrator and Tyler Durden in FIGHT CLUB. In that film, the Narrator isn’t trying to kill himself so much as he’s trying to kill Tyler. What if William’s motivation could be something similar. Why is William suicidal? Does he find life or himself meaningless? Does Ellen shift the treatment of William’s depression to arguing he’s incurable, to arguing he should commit suicide, to arguing that killing Ryan would allow him to die with meaning? I’m just spitballing because I honestly feel so bad for William in this initial version. He just feels like a poor innocent soul who’s taken advantage of by both the antagonist and protagonist. If that’s your goal, then keep at it.
These are just some ideas that may give some additional dimension to his incredible scene. Please use only what helps you achieve your vision for this story.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Cam
Thanks for the review. Great points. And I agree, I need to change Ellen’s repetitive dialogue. Some of if is placeholder until I think of something better.
And William’s motivation isn’t strong, either. I had a hard time with this. First, I tried to have Ellen work William toward suicide, making it his decision. Then I have her asking him for his help to save her children. Then he’s suicidal again. It was my first run, but I need to make everyone’s motivations clearer. Ellen needs to be more cutthroat.
Thanks again.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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I am running late these days. But if anyone still needs or wants to exchange critiques, please let me know. I have posted my most recent scene today. Thanks,
Dana
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Hey Dana!
Want to exchange feedback? I just posted my V.3 somewhere around post 25.
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Hi, Cameron
That’d be great. Thanks. I’ll read your V3 and get back ASAP.
Dana
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Day 10 – Applying Advanced Dialogue To Your Script – Assignment
Mike O – Kick Ass Dialogue
What I learned doing this assignment is that the cumulative effects of using the various dialogue tools you have shown us has greatly improved the quality of my dialogue. I now think in these terms when crafting a scene. Thank you!
ASSIGNMENT 1
Please fill out the Evaluation Form and send it back to me. I use these to get feedback on how the class went for you so I can keep improving it and to find quotes for promoting the program. If you don’t want any quotes used, you can say no to the question that asks your permission to use your comments.The Evaluation Form is the next email you’ll receive. Just fill it out and send it back to me at mailto:hal@ScreenwritingU.com
ASSIGNMENT 2
Using the ADVANCED DIALOGUE SKILL MASTERY SHEET that will arrive after this email, write a scene incorporating most of the skills we’ve worked with so far by performing these actions.
[I] Give us the following information: (1) Name and Character Traits for the two main characters; (2) Set up for the situation.
[II] Select a Dialogue Structure and write the scene.
[III] Do a pass over the dialogue, focusing on one set of dialogue skills at a time.
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Name: Brooklyn Murray (protagonist)
Character traits: 1) workaholic 2) romantic 3) indecisive 4) hungry for fame
Name: Tarek Bennett (love interest)
Character Traits: 1) honest 2) protective 3) family man 4) Scheming
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INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Tarek and Brooklyn on the couch enjoying the fire and a second glass of wine. The boys are in bed.
TAREK “I can’t afford it. I’m between jobs — careers actually.”
BROOKLYN “You can stay at my place. I’ve plenty of room.”
Long pause as Tarek considers.
TAREK “I’m sorry, I can’t. Airfares this time of year are murder. (off her expression) When’s your flight? You need me to drive you to the airport?”
BROOKLYN “I haven’t made reservations yet.”
TAREK (what) “You sure you can get a flight?”
Brooklyn takes a drink of wine, sets the glass down and leaves the couch to stand before the fireplace.
BROOKLYN (eyeing the flames) “It’s a private jet.”
TAREK “Oh, I see.”
BROOKLYN “I’ll be back before Christmas. Promised Tyler we’d make fudge for Santa’s cookie plate. Can’t let the big guy down.”
Brooklyn finds Tarek standing behind her.
TAREK “And your client, he will be okay with flying you back?”
Brooklyn faces him.
BROOKLYN “He’s a billionaire; it’s not his only jet. I’m sure it’s fine.”
TAREK (casual, too casual) “Seems you have it all in order.”
BROOKLYN “I do. Tomorrow night we’ve my tree to decorate and a Monopoly rematch.”
TAREK “Indeed we do. Gloves are coming off this time.”
BROOKLYN (mischievous grin) “They call that bare-fisted, right? ‘Fight club’ lingo if memory serves. Any ideas for dinner — pot roast, perhaps?”
Tarek chuckles hahaha, grabs Brooklyn and TICKLES her. The two wind up in one another’s arms, on the couch.
BROOKLYN (whispers) “It’s not what you think.”
TAREK “What is it you think I’m thinking?”
BROOKLYN “You got this worried look when I said billionaire.”
TAREK “Been my experience rich people get what they want.”
BROOKLYN “He purchased three of my paintings. (kisses his cheek) I’m can’t be bought.”
TAREK (grins) “Could have fooled me the way you play Monopoly.”
BROOKLYN “Touche’ Had that coming after my pot-roast crack.”
TAREK (brushes strand of hair out of her face) “So, the old proverb ‘a way to a woman’s heart is with diamonds,’ doesn’t apply?”
Brooklyn kisses the tip of his nose.
BROOKLYN “I’m not saying I can’t be bought. Think sweets, not gems.”
TAREK “So cookies, cake and candy?”
BROOKLYN (arms around his neck) “I’m a hybrid, I run on chocolates and wine.”
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