Day 10 Assignments

[Phyllis Strong]

Phyllis’ Dialogue 7-8

I learned from this assignment that dialogue as action works well with high-conflict arguments and fights. I also learned that subtext is broader than I first imagined, and the cover-up brainstorming strategies were extremely helpful.

Before:

DUNCAN

Sorry. I don’t do that anymore.

After (Subtext)

DUNCAN

Sorry. I’m not in that business anymore.

Before:

ZACK

Don’t you get tired of never going out?

After (Subtext)

ZACK

It’d be nice to make it past the front door one of these nights.

Before:

ZACK

Trying it on for size. Whaddya think?

SASHA

That’s not what we’re about.

After (Subtext)

ZACK

Trying it on for size. Whaddya think?

SASHA

It’s not a good look.

Before:

COLLINS

Not so far. Best they’ll probably come up with is some transient.

(beat)

I think it could be something that kills like a blowtorch, but isn’t.

After (Dialogue as Action)

COLLINS

So far, a few transients. Won’t go anywhere.

(beat)

You gotta think outside the box.

Before:

DUNCAN

Don’t you have anything better to do than poke around in my business?

After (Subtext)

DUNCAN

I thought we were past you spying on me.

Before:

DUNCAN

Beyond recognition?

NORRIS

No they looked like themselves. And they were sitting around the table… spaghetti still on their plates.

DUNCAN

Can you tell me, were they gesturing? Like their hands, were they in a defensive position–

After (Dialogue as Action)

DUNCAN

Was the skin charred or did it look dark red and leathery?

NORRIS

It was spooky how much they looked like themselves. And they were sitting around the table… spaghetti still on their plates.

DUNCAN

Were their hands in a defensive position?

Before:

DUNCAN

Okay, but how am I gonna get information if I can’t pay people for it?

After (Subtext)

DUNCAN

It’s gonna be a red flag when I go in to investigate.

Before:

DUNCAN

You haven’t been looking out for me for a long, long time.

After (Subtext)

DUNCAN

Please, you haven’t done that for decades.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by  Phyllis Strong.

[Marcus Wolf]

Marcus’ Dialog 7-8

I learned a more regimented way to do subtext. I’ve always focused on it, but it’s nice to have a list of techniques to help.

As I did my rewrite, I again forgot to keep the original text. But here is an example of some dialog with subtext. The subtext is that Endor plays on Jean’s vanity, but also his love for her and desire to prove himself. Jean does not want to revive the zombie (Deathsong), but Endor is trying to convince him.

ENDOR
Are you stalling? Can you really do it? What am I saying? Of course you can, no one is better than you.

JEAN
Humph. Doing isn’t the question. “Why” is the question. This body holds many secrets. Secrets not meant for us. You may not like what you learn, Endor.

Endor caresses Deathsong’s face and gently kisses Deathsong’s forehead. Then she gently puts her arms around Jean.

ENDOR
She would never displease me. And neither would you, ma cher. Would you?

In this scene, Beatrix is not confident in her ability to do a diagnosis spell. In the original text, Beatrix said she couldn’t do it. :

BEATRIX
I don’t have a lot of time, Cassandra. What can I do to help?

CASSANDRA
Tell me what’s wrong with me.

BEATRIX
You’re a selfish bitch.

CASSANDRA
Ha ha. Okay, fine. Are we done with the pleasantries? You know what I mean.

BEATRIX
I’m doing other things now. Things that will make a difference. For us. I need to focus on that.

CASSANDRA
Nonsense. It’s a simple thing. I’ve seen you do it a hundred times.

BEATRIX
Do it yourself.

CASSANDRA
I did. I need a second opinion.

Beatrix hesitates. She takes off her coat.

BEATRIX
Shall I make you some tea?

CASSANDRA
What’s wrong with you? Do the spell!

BEATRIX
Surely, they did an MRI at the hospital. What could I find that they didn’t?

CASSANDRA
What they found that they shouldn’t have. We need to know.