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Day 10 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments.
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111 Replies
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[NOTE: I’ve posted my “Draft THREE” below. Thanks!]
Cameron Martin’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is…a refresher on what waiting 24 hours can do for proofreading and addressing grammatical errors or sentence structure. I’ll probably learn more as we go through the feedback exchange. For now, find the “therefore or but” moments/hooks to tell your story with, keep everything focused on the concept, and don’t let anything overstay its welcome.
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Query Letter:
“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”
While a space colony fights against hostile alien parasites, Sully is fighting against the crowd, desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son.
After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.
However, when the alarm signals the savage aliens’ return, Sully will be forced to reconnect with his son; especially when they fail to make it to the bunker in time. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can uncover their dark secret.
But how likely are you to trust a developmentally challenged child in a crisis, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?
In addition to winning Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.
If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Thanks and best regards!
Cameron Martin
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Cameron Martin.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Cameron Martin.
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Hi Cam,
Yes, waiting 24 hours really helps. There are always things to change in the morning!
Opening line
Yes, I think your opening line is arresting and intriguing.
While a space colony
I think the line will be stronger if you start with: Desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable, fights the crowd to save both his wife and his nine-year old son but the space colony is thick with hostile alien parasites. (something like that- just to start with “desperate” zooms us immediately into the emotion and the character. Also, to be picky: the colony fights, Sully fights. Passives (ing) tend to water out the impact.
Again, just my preference, but I’d start each sentence with the verb, such as “he refuses to move on from his wife’s death but after a year…. I just think that each line (good hooks, btw) should punch.
Next graph Sully will be is passive. Sully is forced- I think, stronger. Also, you could make the reading feel like the screenplay, for example: The alarm signals the savage aliens return, and Sully is forced reconnect w his son when they watch the doors shut them out. Too late! Good hook that the Aspie son may be the only one…
I think you can add a few more words to the last line. Great ending hook, by the way but maybe: Can Sully trust? Should he trust? etc I think the last line can be stronger.
LOVE the bio. Fabulous.
Love the closing line.
And love that you figured out how to make your query short! Well done!
Counting hooks
Three in the opening line
Two in the second graph (Sophie’s choice and space colony with parasites
Next graph- wife’s death, Sully is numb & disconnected.
Next graph- door shut them out. Son might have the secret (biggest hook)
Next graph- reliability of the kid-
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Evening Cam,
Your letter flowed well. I think the reader will appreciate your to-the-point content.
I agree with June’s idea for redesigning the first para. 2 potential suggestions, does the word ‘battle’ work for you? Just a little FYI in terms of the audience’s brains (which are in a hypnogogic state;) the word ‘but’ signals the brain to forget what was said before the but, or turn it down as of lesser import. When using conversational hypnosis we try to use words that bridge. We want the audience to stay glued to your movie.
As for the line re wife; Sully is still frozen with grief for his recently deceased wife.
It’s your work of art, and as Hal says just disregard stuff you don’t agree with.
Just loved the bio, impressive. 😍
Hooks three hooks in opening choosing parasites and space
2nd para 1 hook decision
3rd para 5 hooks alarm, aliens return, reconnect with son, bunker, son is the hero
4th para 3 hooks challenged child, infected, eat you.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anna harper.
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Anna,
Dev here. I’m trying to connect with you on WordPress but it won’t take my password or let me change it!
Here’s my email! More direct, eh? devoross@gmail.com
Best to you!
Dev
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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[NOTE: I’ve posted my “Draft THREE” below. Thanks!]
Cameron Martin’s Query Letter Draft TWO
What I learned doing this assignment is…First, don’t forget to include the same kind of active vocabulary contained in your script because…Second, the query letter is your first movie trailer. So, it should be written like it’s a movie trailer, whether that be through the action and story questions brought up, or through establishing credit that raises creditability (like when you see trailers advertise “From the creators of…”).
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Query Letter:
“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”
The alarm BLARES, the colonists RUN for their lives, and Sully is DESPERATE to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son.
After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.
However, when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites, Sully is forced to reconnect with his son after they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret.
Should Sully trust his developmentally challenged child in a crisis? Would you place your trust in a kid, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?
In addition to winning the Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.
If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script, titled OPEN WIDE.
Thanks and best regards!
Cameron Martin
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Cameron Martin.
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Critique for Cameron Martin
From Lisa Long
OPEN WIDE Query Letter (version 2)
· The letter flows nicely, and it wasn’t confusing. It contains just the highlights.
“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”
· Great opening! It demands that the reader listen to you…and read more. It also suggests that there is something big happening here – HOOK.
The alarm BLARES, the colonists RUN for their lives, and Sully is DESPERATE to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine-year-old son.
· This is effective. I would maybe add the word “space” before colonists to say that this is a space movie and not a colony on a planet. Tells us that the lead is desperate and has a horrible decision to make – HOOK.
After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.
· This sentence is slightly awkward. Maybe just: “A year after his wife’s death, Sully has…”. Or maybe Sully is “stuck in the past”. However, you are letting them know that the son has Asperger’s Syndrome…very important here. Sully can’t relate to his son – HOOK.
However, when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites. Sully is forced to connect with his son after they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret.
· Maybe remove “However,” and just start with When. Using Isaiah’s name will make him more of a real character. “Dark secret” really makes one want to know what it is! Parasites – HOOK. Locked out – HOOK. Aspie son obsessed – HOOK. Dark secret – HOOK.
Should Sully trust his developmentally challenged child in a crisis? Would you place your trust in a kid, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?
· This is it! To me, the second sentence is the most important part of the letter. Ends with a big HOOK!
In addition to winning the Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.
· Wonderfully powerful bio.
If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script, titled OPEN WIDE.
Thanks and best regards!
Cameron Martin
· Short and sweet closing.
Thanks, Cameron, for mentioning the Trailer in your introduction…that’s a great point!
Lisa
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Hey Lisa!
Thank you for your motivating notes! You’re not the only person to advise cutting “However” from the letter (Noticeably, I’m a bit habitual with that particular word). I’ll be sure to cut it! I hope my notes help can help you too!
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?
Kidnapping Santa is the real selling point in this opening, and consider me hooked and eager to read more!
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
There’s a lot going on with Mary, but the real “hook” for me is that Mary once guarded Santa, and is now planning to kidnap him. That ironic component is what really draws me in and makes me want to know more.
3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.
Opening: 2-3 hooks (“separated, down-and-out mom” kidnapping Santa for ransom).
Synopsis: 2-3 hooks in the first paragraph (“It’s a Wonderful Life Festival,” Mary’s in a race against the clock, culminating on Christmas day). 1-2 hooks in the second paragraph (it’s sort of a repeat of the opening, in terms of the information given, but it does tie that opening into the story effectively). 1-2 hooks in the third paragraph (Again, some repetition with greater context and a raising of the stakes: it’s not just her snowmobile shop, but her family also). 1 hook in the fourth paragraph (feels like we skipped to the late second act or third act, so I’m left a little lost on how the story events connect, but the running Santa’s is still a good visual hook). 1 hook in the final paragraph (For me, knowing ahead of time that Santa’s in no real danger takes all the wind and stakes out of this pitch. It just kills it for me. The narrative tie-in with IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE is a hook; I like the meta element).
Bio: 2-3 hooks (Your real-life experience, plus you’ve already been through the process of selling a script, obviously talented/knowledgeable enough to do so).
I’m personally against giving an emotional payoff from the third act in a trailer or pitch, unless it’s asked for. When I think about THE SIXTH SENSE, however, Hal does raise a solid point that the Therapist already being dead makes that movie what it was, and including that ending may be a critical selling point. I don’t think the emotional payoff should be included though. Just the fact that “he’s a ghost and doesn’t know” still invites the curiosity to know if he’ll discover the truth and how he’ll react. So, if you want to include the ending in your letter, just consider giving us the bare minimum of details (just the hook) with no emotional payoff. The reader should read your script if they want that, and in reality they couldn’t really get the full emotional impact without knowing the complete context of the rest of the story.
4. Does the query letter flow well?
Beyond my notes above, I think this letter is close to reading really well. The repetition risks slowing the pace (the feeling of going backwards/brining up the past) but it could be powerful if the additional context also gives the feeling of raising stakes.
5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
I don’t know the entire story, but I imagine there may be scenes where Mary’s drawing up the plans to kidnap Santa, and she has to navigate moments where her kids or ex-husband are seconds from discovering her plan. That to me is more engaging than knowing her plan to kidnap Santa would’ve never worked in the first place.
Thanks again!
Cam
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Thanks so much, Cam!
I will rewrite and repost soon.
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Hey Cam!
Great work here! My biggest note would to try and have the hooks be shorter. If they are shorter between paragraphs, it looks less daunting to the reader. Especially with these producers who are so busy constantly.
That being said, I like the opening hook quite a bit…and have no idea how to shorten it. So… (shrug)
“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”
The alarm BLARES, the colonists RUN for their lives, and Sully is DESPERATE to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son.
I don’t think you need to have certain words in caps. Especially when the rest of the letter doesn’t have any. Also, this jumps from him choosing to a year later in a beat. It might be better to start after the choice he had to make, so it’s not confusing to a reader.
After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.
Besides the time jump, this is a good emotional line.
However, when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites, Sully is forced to reconnect with his son after they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret.
I wouldn’t put reconnect here, since that’s the overall emotional arc of the story. Maybe “forced to be alone with his son after a year of barely speaking” of something of that nature.
Should Sully trust his developmentally challenged child in a crisis? Would you place your trust in a kid, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?
Just do one question. Having 2 dilutes it. Also, I wouldn’t focus on developmental challenges here. Just the emotion. Such as “Can Sully trust the son he barely knows now to save his life and the entire colony?” or “Now, estranged father and son are forced to put their lives in each other’s hands…whether they like it or not.”
Overall, strong work, Cam. Nice job!
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Cameron Martin’s Query Letter Draft THREE
What I learned doing this assignment is…character names matter in a pitch or query letter. I sometimes forget that when I get lost in trying to elevate the concept. In addition, questioning the reader can be a high risk move, and repeating the same points dilutes the impact of each line. You want a concentrated pitch, with each sentence building and escalating until you land on the entire point of your story, the main impactful hook that drew you into your story to begin with. Another observation is to check your own writing habits (I use bridging words like “However,” “Sincerely,” “Moreover”), and ensure you’re delivering the most powerful language/sentence structure to sell your concept.
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“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”
The alarm blares, the colonists run for their lives, and Sully is desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son with Asperger’s, Isaiah.
After a year of barely speaking to his son, Sully is forced to be alone with him when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites, and they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, Isaiah is obsessed with the parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret. But he’ll have to trust his developmentally challenged child in the same crisis that killed his wife a year ago.
Would you place your trust in a kid, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?
In addition to winning the Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award for my screenplay, POSSESSING EDEN, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.
If you like the concept, I’d be delighted to send you the script, titled OPEN WIDE.
Thanks and best regards!
Cameron Martin
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Cam
Sorry. I reviewed your first letter. I didn’t see your second version. Take what you can from my review.
“Listen to me. You’re going to tell me how to keep you alive. And I’m going to get those things out of you. You hear me?”
Good opening hooks: “Listen to me!” makes the reader to listen. “…keep you alive” and “…those things out of you” makes me think of Alien.
While a space colony fights against hostile alien parasites, Sully is fighting against the crowd, desperate to not have to make the worst decision imaginable…choosing between saving his wife or his nine year old son.
Good hooks: “hostile alien parasites”, “desperate to… make worst decision”, “save his wife or son”
Does the space colony have a name? “While [name] space colony…” You might also want to define Sully a little more. Add his career and last name. [Engineer] Sully [name]…
And “fights against” and “fighting against” would be stronger saying “fights.” “…space colony fights hostile aliens…” and “Sully fights the crowd…”
After a year of refusing to move on from his wife’s death, Sully has forgotten how to connect with his son who has Asperger’s Syndrome.
Good character set up for both father and son. You might want to add the son’s name “… with his son, [name], who…” It gives him a personal connection to the reader
And the first line is a little awkward. “A year after his wife’s death, Sully refuses to move on and has forgotten how to…” reads a little easier.
However, when the alarm signals the savage aliens’ return, Sully will be forced to reconnect with his son; especially when they fail to make it to the bunker in time. Lucky for Sully, his Aspie son is obsessed with the alien parasites, and may be the only one who can uncover their dark secret.
Good hooks: “savage aliens return”, “fail to make the bunker”, son is “the only one who can uncover their dark secret.”
I’d use “But” instead of “However.” It’s a little more direct. “But when the alarm signals…”
“Sully will be forced” is a little passive, too. “Sully is forced” would be stronger.
And “his son; especially…” is stronger without especially. “… is forced to reconnect with [son’s name] when they fail to make the bunker in time.”
But how likely are you to trust a developmentally challenged child in a crisis, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?
I like this line. That Sully must trust his developmentally challenged son. It’s a strong hook.
You might want to switch “developmentally challenged” with “Aspie son” from the previous “Lucky for Sully…” sentence.
“Sully must trust his developmentally challenged son who, obsessed with the alien parasites, may be the only one who can uncover their dark secret.”
And..
“How likely are you to trust a child with Asperger’s Syndrome, especially…”
In addition to winning Hoboken International Film Festival’s Screenwriting award, I’m also blessed with having grown up with Asperger’s Syndrome and, by extension, an obsession with real life monsters.
Great bio. Award winner plus the personal connection to the character in your script.
I’d add the name of your screenplay and really highlight your winning. Winner: Hoboken International Film Festival, Screenwriting. Name of screenplay.
You wrote a good query. It’s a fast read, great hooks, and it flows well. I hope my suggestions help.
Dana
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dana Abbott.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Hey Cam! Want to exchange feedback?
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Absolutely Matthew! Thanks!
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Cam,
I just did your edits on my synopsis. SOOOO much better! Grateful to you for keeping me on my toes!
Dev
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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June Fortunato’s Query Letter for Retirement, DRAFT ONE day 10
Hi everyone, first – thanks for your reviews. I’m behind in my revisions but I do intend to incorporate your thoughts. Someone stole my identity and I’ve spent the week playing whack a mole trying to resolve issues and block them. So please forgive that this is just a first draft. Be safe out there! June
What I learned: I tweaked my opening hook a bit since yesterday. I look forward to learning what works, what doesn’t. Thank you for exchanging!
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
Who doesn’t want to live for free when they retire? Retirement is a love story about two “still hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. The gals fall for him until his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
In jail he’s beaten to a pulp (the food there sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to join society because his 60+ year-old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
Experience
The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them.
My film was broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and audio drama, (very fun!) including one of which was broadcast to more than 30 stations globally. My living film received international recognition with a two-page article in American Theatre Magazine, and I received more than 60 Grants/Fellowships, including from the NEA, Drama League of Directors, PEW, PCA and corporate sponsors.
Subject specific experience
Kim is a singer because I worked for so many years in live theatre, and additionally, production stage managed & designed lights for 50 + cabaret shows/singers. (Loved it. Loved them.) Simultaneously, I facilitated medical and legal conferences- of which I listened to thousands of lectures. Consequently, I’m keenly interested in health and medicine. My 40 years of production work gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) because I worked so many gigs there. BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room.
Personal experience includes falling in love in my 40s, bilateral hip surgery – (so believe me, I know osteo!) As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school, and I’ve written 20 & narratives: shorts, features, TV and audio drama.
If you want to read a story with depth, wit and heart, I think that Retirement will float your kite.
Would you be willing to read the first ten pages of my screenplay?
Contact information JuneFortunato@mail.com Address. Phone number. Date.
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Evening June, just doing the request critique here.
It sounds like a really entertaining movie that I could relate to.
The whole piece flows well with only one part I was confused about, read it twice, and I think I know what you mean. However, could use clarity in the following line;
The gals fall for him (Question why don’t they fall for him anymore?) until his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
I am guessing because the girls do not want him to move in with them maybe?
Also very curious as to know why he declared himself dead? I guess I would have to request the script!
Lots of hooks
opening 4 hooks; retire free, love story, hippies, boomers
Synopsis
para 1 3 hooks crazy ass mooch, dead, Vietnam.
para 2 2 hooks beaten in jail, hospital body trashed
para 3, Kim, light his candle (?)LOL, gaslighting,
para 4 5 hooks twin souls, joint adventures, meltdown, heal, believe
Hope this one gets made June. Best Anna freaking amazing resume P S also it is quite long, could you shorten it a little?
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Hey June!
Thanks for the spectacular feedback!
I did get the feeling that my synopsis was somehow pulling its punches. I’ll get right to making it more active.
I liked reading your query letter, and I hope my notes can help you as well as yours have helped me!
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?
– Something about the opening just doesn’t feel like it hits hard enough. Maybe I’m spending too long trying to think about the condition of retirement being a prerequisite to living for free. Maybe I’m thinking too hard on what “live for free” means. The follow up sentence informs more and cuts to the chase. I think if you have a producer/reader that’s already looking for this kind of story, it reads well enough. I think for the opening hook, it either needs a more universal question or statement, or you showcase one of Roy’s witty lines that grabs us and informs the story.
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
– I think there’s a lot of good here. I would change “In jail he’s beaten to a pulp” to something like “Jail fails to live up to his expectations, so he instigates his own beat down to enjoy the luxuries of a hospital.” Roy’s a pretty active character, and anything you can add to showcase what he’s willing to do to live rent free sells the script for you. Same thing goes for Kim. I understand the setup for what Kim’s up against, though I’m more interested in what she’s doing to win against her brother.
3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.
Opening: 1-2 hooks, depending on the reader.
Synopsis: About 3-4 hooks in the first paragraph (the line “He declared himself dead…so how can he make a living” is a fun play on words. Only note might be to shorten it). 1 hook in the second paragraph (changing it based on the above note would add an additional hook). 1-2 hooks in the third paragraph (“Glinda the Good Witch of his heart” is a great description). Fourth paragraph has maybe 1-2 (I liked “joint mooching adventures” and “face their demons.” Those tell me what I can expect in the action. My problem is that it currently feels like that trailer that has a great setup, and then pays off the final act for me, like it tells me the whole movie, and I’m really only going to watch it now just to see the specifics (The TICKET TO PARADISE trailer is a good example of this where it takes a fun premise and runs it into the ground by giving me emotional payoffs from all three acts). I want to know if there’s an ironic conflict or engaging dilemma, and to have to watch/read to find out how it’s resolved).
Here’s Why: 1 hook (“Audiences in their sixties” tells me what market would be interested in this story, though without doing a Google search, I’m not sure how big that market is. The rest is information that should be communicated through the synopsis, and by this point would be redundant).
Experience: Disclaimer – You clearly have an extensive resume, and I’m prone to be more ignorant on the nature of some of your accomplishments. That said, I’d say there’s 2-3 hooks here. I can only imagine what living through the Vietnam War was like, and your perspective from watching a country try to heal from it is definitely a hook for me. In addition, your professional experience highlights the fact that this isn’t your first rodeo.
Subject Specific Experience: Here’s where that previous disclaimer comes into play again. This feels redundant to me. I may be totally wrong and naive, though. My initial impression is that you have a lot of experience and history, but I’m wanting to be sold on your script, not your resume. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up as a theatre kid too, and this tells me we’d have a lot to talk about. It just doesn’t tell me more about Roy or Kim.
4. Does the query letter flow well?
I think it needs to be about half the length it currently is. Almost the entire second half of the letter is dedicated to your accomplishments, and by the time I’ve finished reading about you, I’ve forgotten about Roy and Kim.
5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
See above note. Thinking about Hal’s example for ZOMBIELAND, Tallahassee and Little Rock aren’t even brought up. A number of the best jokes are left out. What is included is the ironic conflict/dilemma: Columbus can’t catch a break with the girls, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. Hal’s example communicates that message more efficiently, but the point is that we see the movie and yet still have the question, can Columbus win the heart of the girl who stole his stuff? Having just watched the BLACK PANTHER: WAKANDA FOREVER trailer, it’s a similar format. There’s clearly a war between the Wakandans and another technologically advanced, but reclusive, nation; who will win, will there be peace, and how will the rest of the world react? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions unless I go watch the movie. If the trailer showed me images of a stalemate, the two nations making peace, and the rest of the world accepting them, the only reason I have to go see that movie is to watch the specifics, and after “Phase 3” I’m just not invested to pay $30 for a theatre experience on a film that I already know the ending to. Long story short, if there’s an engaging question or dilemma to cap off the query letter, that would go a long way to getting a request.
6. Were there any parts that confused you?
I don’t think there were any parts that confused me. I would like to see Retirement in ALL CAPS or some other format that informs me that we’re talking about the title of your script.
I’m sorry if this is too much. I really like the relationship between Roy and Kim, and I think the uniqueness of their characters can carry the majority of this letter. You have a lot working for you, and I really want to see your script succeed.
Thanks again!
Cam
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Cameron Martin. Reason: Got Tennessee mixed up with Tallahassee, and Wichita mixed up with Little Rock. Made corrections to the character names from ZOMBIELAND
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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June,
Just my experience as a former reader so – I was always taught not to use questions to draw in the reader.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>”Who doesn’t want to live for free when they retire?”
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>My suggestion is to find a clever way to make it a declarative.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>”Live for free when you retire! <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Retirement will show you how! It’s a love story about two “still hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Best!
Dev
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Hey June! Want to exchange feedback?
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surely! Will do it tomorrow.
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June Fortunato’s DRAFT TWO for RETIREMENT
Thanks for the feedback. I’m trying to get this to one page, but it’s a couple of lines over.
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
RETIREMENT is a love story about two “still-hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. For most of his life, the gals opened their homes to him and he lived free- but when his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- he knows that his hoodini is fading, and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
In jail he’s beaten to almost to death (misCALCUlation but the food sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to rejoin society because his old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, together, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
Experience
The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them.
My character, Kim, is a singer because I worked with 50 + cabaret shows/singers. That gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room.
My film broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and my audio dramas were broadcast on NPR. Laurels include a two page article in The American Theatre Magazine recognizing my Living Film, and prestigious grants/fellowships including one from the NEA.
As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school. I’ve written 20 & narratives: shorts, features, TV and audio drama.
If you want to read a story with depth, wit and heart, I think that RETIREMENT will float your kite. Would you be willing to read the first fifteen pages of my screenplay?
In one week, I’ll follow this request with a phone call.
Good tidings, June Fortunato
Contact information JuneFortunato@mail.com
Address. Phone number. Date.
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Hey June!
So, the story sounds great. But overall, it feels more like a synopsis than a pitch. I would suggest using the format Hal gave in the emails, as it makes it way easier to keep it at the pitch level. It also focuses on the hooks more that way.
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
RETIREMENT is a love story about two “still-hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
I would suggest making the first line a hook instead of a description.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. For most of his life, the gals opened their homes to him and he lived free- but when his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- he knows that his hoodini is fading, and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
I don’t understand why some words have capitalizations in the middle. Does this represent something? Also, there are a few spelling errors, so I would suggest running it through a spellcheck before sending it out.
In jail he’s beaten to almost to death (misCALCUlation but the food sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to rejoin society because his old body is trashed.
This jail part sounds like a good hook. I would reword it though and take out the parenthetical.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
Nice dramatic element.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe.
I would suggest not telling the ending and leaving it on a cliffhanger, if at all possible.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, together, find love, find joy, and find belief again.
I would remove this altogether. The producer should know what audience it’s for by the pitch and might even be annoyed if they think you are trying to “tell them their job.” Also, while this explains character, it makes it too long.
I also would limit the part about your experiences to one or two sentences. I know it means cutting out a lot, but it has a better chance of getting read that way and you want to focus on your awesome script more than yourself in this type of letter.
Overall, sounds like a good story!
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June Fortunato’s DRAFT THREE 1/2 of RETIREMENT
DEV, thank you! for the outstanding notes. I incorporated all but one or two. You rock! Still thinking about “the stories with soul line. ” That was the aspiration in the 70s. Matt, still thinking about your notes. My spelling is correct, but hard to read because that’s my character’s dialect. Anita, thanks, I made most of your suggestions.
Dear Producer of Much Loved Romance Movie,
RETIREMENT is a love story about two “still-hippies” in their 60s for the boomer generation.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. For most of his life, the gals opened their homes to him, and he lived free- but when his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- he knows that his hoodini is fading, and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme.
In jail he’s beaten almost to death – miscalculation! but the food sucks anyway – and in the hospital he learns that he has to rejoin society because his old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe in love.
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy has, while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, together, find love, find joy, and find their future.
Experience
The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them.
Kim is a singer because I worked with 50 + cabaret shows/singers, which gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room.
My film, Adele’s Way, broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and my audio dramas were broadcast on NPR. Laurels include a two page article in The American Theatre magazine recognizing my Living Film, and prestigious grants/fellowships including one from the NEA.
I’ve written 20+ shorts, features, TV and audio drama. As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school.
If you want to read a story with depth, wit and heart, I think that RETIREMENT will float your
kite. Would you be willing to read the first fifteen pages of my screenplay?
In one week, I’ll follow this request with a phone call.
Good tidings, June Fortunato
Contact information JuneFortunato@mail.com Address. Phone number. Date.
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Hi June,
As always, a pleasure to read the words you put to paper. I haven’t read other’s critiques, so forgive me if anything is redundant. I only have 4 notes.
1) first line, I would add the word “written” – as in: written for the boomer gen.
2) Typo in the sentence: In jail he’s beaten (to) almost to death.
3) I know from reading (and loving your script) that Roy is punny with his words. You do it twice here. I think the first time works, but without the benefit of knowing Roy I find the Mis CALCUlation a tripping hazard.
4) Your BIO graph that begins, “My film broadcast on PBS….” What film? Has this one been produced?? See the confusion –
I hope this helps a smidge. I think your query letter is dynamic and should get many “hits”!
All the best,
-Anita
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JUNE,
FIRSTLY, EVERYTHING YOU WRITE SMACKS WITH PERSONALITY SO NO WORRIES THERE.
Synopsis There’s a reason why crazy-ass Roy is such a mooch. He declared himself dead after he got back from Viet Nam, so how can he make a living? Or even get his SSI? Nonetheless, he’s an “undisPUTEd” charmer. For most of his life, the gals opened their homes to him (,) and he lived free- but when his girl Suzy moves out of her apartment – much to his surprise- he knows that his hoodini is fading, and he’s got to find a more permanent retirement scheme. JUST A COMMA MISSING ABOVE.
In jail he’s beaten to almost to death (misCALCUlation but the food sucks anyway) and in the hospital he learns that he has to rejoin society because his old body is trashed.
Enter Kim, also 60s, “Glinda the Good Witch” of his heart – and fellow super moocher, to light his candle. Kim has problems too. Her nasty brother stole almost everything she owns and is gaslighting her to grab her half of the family house.
No wonder Kim and Roy, twin souls, (TWIN FLAMES?) are instantly enthralled. Joint mooching adventures, but also serious meltdowns bounce this story toward the finish- as they help each other face their demons, to heal, and to believe. NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN BY ‘BELIEVE.’ BELIEVE WHAT? THAT THEY CAN HAVE LOVE? REJOIN SOCIETY?
Here’s Why Audiences in their 60s long for representation in stories about everyday people that have heart, romance and redemption. The language is indelible, unique and culture changing. The cast is filled out with an ensemble of nurturers, and the city locations are within reach of each other. Kick-ass lines show off the comic timing and range that Roy that has, (EXTRA THAT USED) while Kim flouts her theatrical largess, a singing voice, smart as a whip intelligence and a fighting spirit. Both protagonists hide deep spirit wounds and yet, together, find love, find joy, and find belief again. THIS DOGGED ME AGAIN. WHAT BELIEF?
Experience
The Viet Nam war killed one of my classmates- as we watched the footage of our guys nightly on the news. I was a believer that we could change the world. I believe that we need stories with soul. This is one of them. DON’T THINK YOU NEED LAST TWO LINES. IT’S CLEAR FROM YOUR SYNOPSIS THAT YOU’VE GOT A STORY WITH SOUL.
My character, Kim, is a singer because I worked with 50 + cabaret shows/singers. That gave me exclusive access not only to theatres but also the backstage workings of hotels- so I set my screenplay in the Bellevue hotel (aka Legionnaire’s dilemma!) BTW, there really was a homeless person living in the Bellevue balcony above the Garden Room. DON’T THINK YOU NEED TO REFER TO HER AS YOUR CHARACTER. SUGGEST STARTING WITH JUST ‘KIM IS A SINGER.
SUGGEST: I HAD EXCLUSIVE ACCESS TO THEATERS AND THE BACKSTAGE WORKINGS…
My film broadcast on PBS, and my short films (collaborations with my students) are on Vimeo. I directed more than 20 productions of film and my audio dramas were broadcast on NPR. Laurels include a two-page article in The American Theatre recognizing my Living Film, and prestigious grants/fellowships(,) including one from the NEA.
As a professor, I taught Writing for TV at the University level and film production at a small film school. I’ve written (20 & narratives)??: shorts, features, TV and audio drama.
SUGGEST: I’VE WRITTEN 20 NARRATIVES (NOT SURE HOW TO INTERP THAT ABOVE), SHORTS, FEATURES, TV, AND AUDIO DRAMA. AS A PROFESSOR, I’VE TAUGHT UNIVERSITY LEVEL TV WRITING, AND FILM PRODUCTION AT A FILM SCHOOL.
I SUGGEST PUTTING YOUR TEACHING LAST AS MY EXPERIENCE HAS TOLD ME NOT TO HIGHLIGHT THAT. I’VE BEEN TOLD – AND OFTEN – THAT THOSE THAT TEACH DO SO BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T GET WORK ACTING/WRITING ETC…
BEST!
DEV
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Anna’s Query Letter Version 2
What I learned from this assignment; Reviewing the letter I realized I had left out what could be an important piece of information, a hook of sorts.
I let the producer know that I was working on the next two scripts for the series. Now I am second guessing wondering if this was the right thing to do?
So I tried wording it diplomatically, in case they don’t want that level of commitment.
Dear Producer of Holiday movies,
My research on VPN and IMbd indicates this could be what you are looking for:
SILENT NIGHT
It’s Christmas when a silent, bullied teenage boy meets Alfie a homeless dog with superpowers in a garbage skiff; together they win over schoolyard bullies and Dylan finds his voice
SYNOPSIS
Superdog Alfie uses his telepathic skills to speak to Dylan, breaking his world of silence.
He coaches Dylan to communicate with his Dad about the schoolyard bullies and his nasty teacher, (who has designs on Dylan’s Dad and wishes to send Dylan to boarding school.).
With Alfie’s help, Dylan rescues his friend Lilly from the school cellar; avoids being sent away to boarding school, wins over the bullies, and introduces his Dad to a new romantic interest
.
My background is in social work. (RSW ret) I have worked with mute traumatized clients.
I spent a year living in the village used as an example for the story world. (Lyme Regis Dorset UK.)
Please note, SILENT NIGHT is potentially a pilot, with two other optional screenplays PIRATE AND COCOA in development. These screenplays feature Alfie’s littermates all of whom have various superpowers. Alfie is a Newfoundland dog.
If you like the concept I would be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely D.Anna Harper
villagefringeproductions@gmail.com
phone
address
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anna harper.
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Hey Anna!
Thank you so much for your splendid notes! That’s an amazing observation with the word “but,” and I’ll be sure to be more aware of how it’s used.
I hope my notes will help you as much as your notes will help me!
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?
– The opening told me more of what this was about than really “hook” me. I think it’s played too straight. Opening with a question, like “If the average dog is a man’s best friend, who will be the best friend to a traumatized teenage boy? Meet Alfie.” I think “hooks” are basically question marks (want to know more? read on.), and approaching them this way, answering questions while raising new questions in the process, will help to catapult the reader’s interest through this letter.
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
– “Superdog Alfie” intrigues me, as does the mute boy, Dylan. The synopsis illustrates that they will be put up against a non-communicative father, bullies, and a manipulative teacher…and win. That last part kind of kills further curiosity. I get the sense that query letters are like the first version of your script’s movie trailer. A good trailer, like the one for STAR WARS: ROUGE ONE, will set up the odds, the ironic conflicts and dilemmas, and leave much of the third act emotional payoff unanswered. A bad trailer, like the one for TICKET TO PARADISE, will essentially summarize the entire movie, leaving only the minutia of plot details unanswered. I get these are two different genres of film, but I’ll argue it’s the formats of the two trailers that make the difference. Set up Alfie and Dylan against the world (an English village) and ask the question of whether they can succeed, can Dylan heal, will Alfie have a home, etc.
3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.
Opening: 1-2 hooks. The homeless superdog is definitely one, and I, personally, would like to see a bullied kid overcome the strife in his life.
Synopsis: 1 hook in the first paragraph, aside from the already established script details (Alfie is the only one who can connect with Dylan, who’s mute). 2 hooks in the second paragraph (Dylan and his father aren’t communicating the way they should, and Dylan’s teacher is trying to get rid of him). Not sure about the third paragraph. I mean, I’m curious about the new romantic interest for the dad and HOW the pre-established conflicts are resolved, but you’ve made me aware that in no uncertain terms these issues ARE resolved. Just like with the the above notes on movie trailers, I want story questions for the third act, not story answers.
Resume: 2 hooks. The background in social work tells me you’ll handle Dylan’s case with fidelity and respect. The village tells me there’ll be authenticity to the story world. I’m absolutely hooked to see both.
“Please Note” Section: I’m torn. On one hand, it’s nice to know that if SILENT NIGHT is a great success, there’s more to cash in on just around the corner. On the other hand, if I were a producer, I don’t even know yet if I’m going to like the first script, and I’m already having two sequels pitched to me; finances aside, that’s a pretty hefty emotional investment. It’s probably not an issue for producers of limited series on television, though. I think what might help is to either pitch the through line for all three scripts (Alfie and his litter mates), or pitch exclusively SILENT NIGHT, depending on whether you’re pitching to film producers or limited series producers.
4. Does the query letter flow well?
– It’s short, quick, and to the point. As with the above notes, the only area to really improve is to pitch this like it were a movie trailer: more story questions, and just enough story answers for the audience to understand the setup.
5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
– Not to sound like a broken record, but the last paragraph just needs to be written to follow up with questions raised in the summary of the first and second acts. Like a math teacher that just tells you the answer before you get a chance to solve the problem, if you tell us the answers to your story questions, it kind of kills the momentum and engagement.
I’m sorry if this is long winded. I think this letter is close, and that if you let Alfie and Dylan’s discovery of each other and their subsequent relationship sell your script, this letter will shine.
Thanks again,
Cam
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Morning Cameron.
Thank you for the extensive notes.
What I plan to do is go over HAL’S notes again, as I am pretty sure he said we had to give away the whole story, particularly to give away the ending.? Also, I will do a re-think of your other comments. Many thanks for taking the time to respond so well. Best of luck Anna
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He absolutely did say to give the ending away. Thanks for the notes on my piece. Will fix the one about the gals. June
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Anna,
As a writer who has been hired to write many sequels for popular children’s films (LAND BEFORE TIME, BALTO, ALADDIN) I LOVE that you set up the potential for sequels and can see them easily evolved from the gifted litter of puppies! It’s a fabulous idea as producers love to know they can generate sequels from a popular kids/family movie.
I think you’ve done a good job on your query letter and on your synopsis – which is short and highlights the hooks in the movie. My only suggestion would be to go back and fix some punctuation errors. I’m happy to point them out if you’ve gotten ‘blind’ to them. Happens to me all the time…
All the best!
Dev
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Thank you so much Dev, yes ( I am not only blind to errors and will check them over and re-post and then ask for you to run your eagle READER’S eye over ) I am in the middle of a dangerous heat wave here and can hardly think straight. So working later at night.
Moving back to a rainy area of UK asap. hope to escape forest fires. (last year could not breathe in the house.)
All sympathy and concern to those in California.
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Anna’s Query Letter Version 3
What I learned, feedback from my learned colleagues is invaluable.
Dear Producer of Holiday movies,
My research on VPN and IMbd indicates this could be what you are looking for: My family and I loved watching all the movies in your Beethoven franchise.
SILENT NIGHT
It’s Christmas in a quaint English village when a silent, bullied teenage boy, Dylan, meets Alfie a homeless dog with superpowers hiding in a garbage skiff; together they win over schoolyard bullies and Dylan finds his voice
SYNOPSIS
Superdog Alfie uses his telepathic skills to speak to Dylan, breaking his world of silence.
Alfie coaches Dylan to communicate with his Dad about the schoolyard bullies and his nasty teacher; she has designs on Dylan’s Dad, detests dogs, and wishes to send Dylan to boarding school.
With Alfie’s help, Dylan rescues his friend Lilly from the school cellar; avoids being sent away to boarding school, wins over the bullies, and introduces his Dad to Mickey an attractive, baker of dog cookies.
.
My background is in social work. (RSW ret) I have worked with mute traumatized clients., using art therapy, gymnastic horse riding, trips to the candy machine, playing hockey with my clients, and culturally appropriate methodology. for indigenous clients.
Lyme Regis is mentioned as the setting, in the opening scene. I spent a year living in this delightful picturesque and historic seaside village. Lyme Regis has been used as the location in a number of blockbuster films such as The French Lieutenant’s Woman, (Lyme Regis Dorset UK.)
Please note, that SILENT NIGHT is potentially the first in a franchise with two other optional screenplays PIRATE AND COCOA in development. These screenplays feature Alfie’s littermates all of whom have various superpowers. Alfie is a Newfoundland dog.
If you like the concept, please contact me, I would be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely D.Anna Harper
villagefringeproductions@gmail.com
phone
address
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Take care! We went through a horrible heat wave a month ago. I wasn’t able to work due to electrical outages. What a time we live in!
Best!
Dev
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I don’t know how you manage in that heat! We fried in Philly, and it’s not nearly as intense as it is where you are.
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Evening Dev, So grateful for the feedback. Have combined what I could from both June’s ideas and your input. If you could, please see if I have missed anything regarding punctuation,
I would also ask a professional favour as I am now wading through gobs of potential producers, is there a company you would suggest I send the query to?
Also, I want to see a couple of your movies, hopefully, they are on Netflix, big Aladin fan.
Thanks. Anna. very impressive heavy-weight bio there girl!
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Hi Anna,
I’d definitely reach out to Disney. This is THEIR kind of film! As to whom, I don’t know any one there anymore, sorry! After Disney, I’d go to Netflix and Amazon Studios. Sadly, I used to have a great contact at Amazon but everyone moves around so much now…
As to my stuff, it runs on Netflix and the Disney Channel in rotation. It’s all animation. Currently, I think you might find my sequel to Amblin’s “Balto” – Balto II, Wolf Quest” on Netflix.
Best!
Dev
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June’s comments on Anna Harper’s version 2 query
Hi Anna,
I like your query letter. It conveys a sense of Christmas, a quietness and somehow, snow. It might be a little academic, because generally, the holidays and the end of the year heighten expectation and emotions. I think that your query should reflect the emotions of your sweet screenplay.
Opening
Since “producer of Holiday movies” indicates that you’ve done your research, is there a way to point specifically to what you love about their specific movie(s)? Such as “I watch your delightful movie, The Elfinager, whenever I need a lift, and I think that my screenplay, SILENT NIGHT, could be the beginning of a new franchise for your catalogue… (something to that effect)
It’s Christmas when…
It’s a good log-line. It conveys the gentle, swaying rhythm of your story and tells the ending, as we were instructed to do. But I like your next line much better as an opener: “Superdog Alfie <b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>uses..” That one is arresting and eye catching. It cuts to the chase and kicks off your story.
Maybe you can put your log-line later?
Introduces his dad to a new romantic interest- Perhaps you can make a bigger contrast between the two- much better, genuinely kind, etc?
Love the bio. I’d rearrange the sentence, I spent a year in Lyme Regis Dorset ,UK, and was so
charmed that…
L-O-V-E the idea of Alfie’s littermates! Outstanding. The word “pilot” refers to TV in the USA. I’d rewrite that as, potentially the first in a franchise.
Hooks: Christmas, mute child, superpower doggie, bullies, confused dad.
Make a request. And say how you’ll follow up.
Fingers crossed. I’d love to see your movie.
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Thank you so much June will get on it when it cools down this evening.
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Hello June and thank you. I just took another good stab at it version 3 and hope it is now a better version. Thank you for your valued feedback
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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PS81 – Dana’s Query Letter Draft One
Title: First Time Caller
What I learned:
Rewriting my original query empowered my wordsmithing to select more dynamic wording.
Query Letter
You’re listening to your favorite radio show when a caller warns the host that he’s kidnapped her family and intends to kill them one-by-one on the air unless she bends to his will. Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?
Talk radio psychologist Ellen Landry has received just such a call.
Having survived a professional tragedy, Dr. Ellen is rebuilding her life at a talk radio therapist when the psychotic identity of an old patient suffering from multiple personalities dials in. His only request: erase the patient’s true identity by the end of her show.
The rules? Simple. If she refuses, they die. If she breaks the call, they die. If her show goes off the air, they die. If she fails, they die.
Ellen Landry must summon all her psychological skills to pit one identity against the other to save her family while Det. Jack Sorensen races against time to find the kidnapper before the end of the show.
So? Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?
If you enjoyed my concept, I will be glad to send you my script First Time Caller.
Sincerely,
Dana Abbott
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Good evening Dana, Anna here doing the homework with you.
First Time Caller like the title invites curiosity
The letter content flows well, it’s cogent. No probs and it is short very good.
Hooks
3 hooks Opening your listening (and then surprise) kidnapped, killed one by one
3rd para 5 hooks professional tragedy (invites curiosity) talk radio therapist, psychotic, multiple personality disorder, erase identity
4th para I hook rules
5th para 3 hooks pit i.d. against each other cop buddy, finished with provocative question
this bit could maybe have a little edit, when the psychotic identity of an old patient; instead ….a former psychotic patient. Its your work of unique art, as Hal says disregard anything that you do not like.
This is an original with tropes that an audience can relate to. I would not be surprised if you got an offer. Thanks, Anna
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Hey Dana!
Want to exchange feedback?
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<div>Hi, Cam</div><div>
I just posted a critique for you. I didn’t see your second version, so I reviewed your first version. Your second is much stronger. Take what you can from my review.
</div><div>
Dana
</div>
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Critique for Dana’s Query Letter Draft One
From Lisa Long
Title: First Time Caller
You’re listening to your favorite radio show when a caller warns the host that he’s kidnapped her family and intends to kill them one-by-one on the air unless she bends to his will. Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?
Note: Love your opening. Sets it up perfectly. You know what you’re getting. I would change the channel…but many would turn it up. Makes one think, “what would I do?” HOOK.
Talk radio psychologist Ellen Landry has received just such a call.
Note: HOOK.
Having survived a professional tragedy, Dr. Ellen is rebuilding her life at a talk radio therapist when the psychotic identity of an old patient suffering from multiple personalities dials in. His only request: erase the patient’s true identity by the end of her show.
Note: Change “…her life at a talk…” to “…her life as a talk…”. Because I’ve read your script I know what it means, but if I hadn’t read it I might wonder what “erase the patient’s true identity” means.
The rules? Simple. If she refuses, they die. If she breaks the call, they die. If her show goes off the air, they die. If she fails, they die.
Note: Powerful. Builds that she can’t win! HOOK.
Ellen Landry must summon all her psychological skills to pit one identity against the other to save her family while Det. Jack Sorensen races against time to find the kidnapper before the end of the show.
Note: Short, Sweet Summary. HOOK.
So? Do you change the channel? Or do you turn up the volume?
Note: End where you started. Again, makes one ask themselves what they would do. Leaves them wanting more!
If you enjoyed my concept, I will be glad to send you my script First Time Caller.
Sincerely,
Dana Abbott
Note: Nice closing.
You have a near perfect letter here. You will sell!
Feel free to critique mine too.
Thank you, Lisa
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Thanks, Lisa
I just hope my script is as good at the letter.
I’m impressed with your bio. NYU Film and a produced script. Most everyone here is already accomplished. Education, awards, productions, etc. I feel a little inadequate.
PS – My nephew attended NYU Film Academy in LA.
Thanks again,
Dana
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Hey Dana,
Thank you. But my accomplishments were a long time ago and I’m trying to get back to where I was. So, I share your feeling of inadequacy! You are a terrific writer and I’m envious of how you’re able to edit your work to just what is needed. Hang in there and see you in the next class!
Lisa
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Hey Dana!
No worries on reviewing the first letter! I’m glad to know the second one reads stronger, and I’m kicking myself for not thinking of including Isaiah’s name. Plus you gave some great wordsmithing notes that I didn’t even consider. Thank you so much, and I hope my notes can be just as helpful for you!
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?
– That’s such a great opener, and I really have no idea what I’d do in that scenario. Engages the reader in an instant.
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
– I think I’m more interested in the scenario than Dr. Ellen, based on the contents of this letter. “Professional tragedy” tells me there’s the possibility of a wound, but aside from her being the only person who could win in this scenario through her expertise as a psychologist, there’s not much else that interests me about her specifically. The concept is strong enough to where it might not matter, though. I just think about the ZOMBIELAND example and how Columbus is a fish out of water (ironic), or THE MARTIAN and how Mark Watney is advertised as a both a competent botanist/astronaut (the only person who would survive that story’s scenario) and more importantly for the entertainment value, undeniably funny. The caller being a former patient is a good starting point, and maybe there’s a bit of irony there, or in her pursuit to “rebuild her life as a talk radio therapist there’s something we could expand on to give us some other component of her character that makes us interested in her (firecracker off-air and saint on-air? Depending on what more you want advertised about Dr. Ellen as a person, skill set aside).
3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.
Opening: 2-3 hooks (the scenario itself and the subsequent question)Synopsis: 0-1 hook in the first paragraph (honestly, this is a bit redundant. We can infer based on the preceding question that that’s what’s going on, and it may help the pace and flow of your letter if you cut this sentence/paragraph). 3-4 hooks in the second paragraph (Dr. Ellen trying to rebuild her life, and the task of erasing one of the patient’s multiple personalities in a hostage situation involving Dr. Ellen’s family). 1-4 hooks in the third paragraph (this section is repetitive, but it works really well at cementing the stakes. There’s also a slight escalation there. I really like this paragraph). 2-3 hooks (Dr. Ellen’s plan, the Detective’s plan, and the race against time). 1 hook in the closing (it doesn’t establish anything new, but the repeat question ties everything together is a wonderful way. You’re not just asking about whether we’d turn up the volume or pass on the show, but subliminally asking the reader if they’re going to request your script or pass. It’s a really smart selling point in my opinion).
4. Does the query letter flow well?
– Aside from the above note about cutting the first sentence (“Talk radio psychologist, Ellen Landry, has received such a call.”) and giving us one more angle on Dr. Ellen, this letter flows great!
5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
– I can’t imagine a reader/producer passing on the question of whether or not they’d “turn up the volume,” especially considering the necessity of contained movies nowadays.<div>
Thanks again!
Cam
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Thanks, Cam
Great insights. I think you’re right about the second sentence. I think it works better without the statement about Ellen.
Thanks again for your help.
Dana
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**SEE VERSION THREE Below**
VERSION ONE
ALL CRITIQUES WELCOME!!
DAY 10 – Exchange Critiques on Query Letters
* This query letter is based on the first draft only. With the second draft of my script, I’m planning changes with the story. I may have to change up the query letter once I complete draft two…or three…or four.
Lisa’s Query Letter
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep it short and sweet. Lead with the punch and add the hooks. Very productive lesson.
Title: Mary’s Wonderful Christmas
Synopsis
Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus and holding him for ransom?
During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop since there hasn’t been snow in 3 years. The bank gives her until December 25th to pay up.
Ex-military, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD. This gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage and save her shop.
Mary is separated from her husband, Peter who is looking after their two daughters. She hopes by saving her business she can win back her family too.
While government agents are searching for them, Mary and the real Santa move through town easily because downtown is packed for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa!
In the end, Santa reveals he could have left anytime he wanted but stayed with Mary to guide her to the real meaning of Christmas. Ala It’s a Wonderful Life, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the festival. Mary and Peter reunite their family.
By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!
I have sold one full-length feature and I am a graduate of NYU Film.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.
Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com
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Hey Lisa!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Hi Cam,
Sure! I’ll review yours tonight. I only have 1 posted so far.
Lisa
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Hey, Lisa! Want to exchange feedback?
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Hi Matt,
Sure do! I’ll look at yours now. I only have the 1 posted.
Lisa
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Lisa
Mary’s Wonderful Christmas Query
Critique
Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus and holding him for ransom?
Strongest hook: Kidnapping Santa Claus. This is a great hook. It’s a surprise! Who would ever think to do that? This sells the story.
Good Hook: Save her shop from foreclosure.
It’s a great opening line. You capture the reader’s attention instantly.
During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop since there hasn’t been snow in 3 years. The bank gives her until December 25 to pay up.
Good Hooks: lose her snowmobile shop; December 25 pay up. Pay up by Christmas or else is a great hook. It’s a good ticking clock.
“Since there hasn’t been snow in 3 years” feels awkward. “…due to a 3-year drought…”
And you may not need to state the reason she’s losing her shop. “…festival, the bank gives Mary notice that she will lose her snowmobile shop if she doesn’t pay up by December 25.”
Ex-military, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD. This gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage and save her shop.
Good Hooks: guarded Santa Claus; kidnap Santa for ransom;
Mary’s rank might give her character credibility. “A retired Air Force captain, Mary once guarded…” Or whatever her rank might be.
It might read better as one sentence. “…NORAD, which gives her the idea…” You also might not need “save her shop” since you’ve already said it before.
Mary is separated from her husband, Peter who is looking after their two daughters. She hopes by saving her business she can win back her family too.
Good Hooks: separated from her husband; save her business; win back her family.
This is a concluding sentence. I’d put this last, after the next sentence. But it’s a bit awkward. It may flow better if you start with her separation. “Separated from her husband, Peter, and her two daughters, Mary hopes to…”
While government agents are searching for them, Mary and the real Santa move through town easily because downtown is packed for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa!
Good Hooks: government agents searching; Mary and Santa “eluding the agents”; 5k Santa race.
It’s a bit long and needs some trimming. And I’d move it above “Mary is separated…” It’s more of a mid-story scene.
In the end, Santa reveals he could have left anytime he wanted but stayed with Mary to guide her to the real meaning of Christmas. Ala It’s a Wonderful Life, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the festival. Mary and Peter reunite their family.
I like the statement that Santa teaches Mary the meaning of Christmas, but you might want to rethink using this sentence. Rather than piquing curiosity, you reveal the entire ending. I’d leave them wondering what happens and have them request your script to learn what happens.
By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!
I have sold one full-length feature and I am a graduate of NYU Film.
I like your bio, but I’d start strong with your NYU Film history, then your feature, and finish with your attending the festival.
“I am a graduate of NYU Film, and I have sold one-full length feature.” I’d also list the name of the feature and the company. I have also attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses! This gives your bio personality.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.
This is a nice finish and a good query. It starts strong and reads fast, and it hits the important hooks.
Dana
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Hey Dana,
Thanks for your feedback! I’ll be reposting soon and hope you’ll take another look then.
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SEE VERSION THREE BELOW**
Lisa’s Query Letter – VERSION TWO
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep it short and sweet. Lead with the punch and add the hooks. Very productive lesson.
Title: Mary’s Wonderful Christmas
Synopsis
Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus and holding him for ransom?
During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop if she doesn’t pay up by December 25th.
A former Air Force captain, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD, which gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage. Mary works hard to keep her family and the town from finding out her plans.
While government agents are searching for Mary and Santa Claus, the downtown is packed for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa…allowing them to move through town by blending in easily.
Separated from her husband, Peter, and her two daughters, Mary hopes by saving her business she can win back her family.
Through all the obstacles, Santa guides Mary to the real meaning of Christmas. Ala It’s a Wonderful Life, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the festival. Finally, Mary tries to reunite with her family.
I am a graduate of NYU Film and have sold one full-length feature. By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.
Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com-
Hey Lisa!
Love the concept still. I wrote down some ideas, feel free to use them if they are helpful. Overall, I think it’s on the right track, but I think it could be jazzed up a bit more.
Title: Mary’s Wonderful Christmas
Synopsis
Can separated down-and-out mom Mary save her shop from foreclosure by kidnapping Santa Claus and holding him for ransom?
Good hook. I would suggest rewording and shortening into something that grabs a reader. Something like the below may draw someone in:
BREAKING! BREAKING! Santa Claus has been kidnapped!
During the town’s annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival, Mary gets notice that she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop if she doesn’t pay up by December 25th.
This is great again, but I would try and mention how it’s the town from the movie somehow. Maybe something like:
It’s tough living in the town from It’s a Wonderful Life. Tourists and year round Christmas is bad enough. But now, Mary has a bigger problem. Because she’s going to lose her snowmobile shop if she doesn’t pay up by December 25.
A former Air Force captain, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD, which gives her the idea to kidnap Santa for ransom to pay her mortgage. Mary works hard to keep her family and the town from finding out her plans.
Good element. I would drop the part about working hard to keep it from people. It seems unnecessary (and it’s good to shorten whenever possible).
While government agents are searching for Mary and Santa Claus, the downtown is packed for the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa…allowing them to move through town by blending in easily.
Nice, but there’s a lot of detail in here unnecessary for a pitch.
Separated from her husband, Peter, and her two daughters, Mary hopes by saving her business she can win back her family.
Probably should mention this earlier, since it’s the emotional hook of a Christmas movie. I would suggest in paragraph one along with snowmobile part.
Through all the obstacles, Santa guides Mary to the real meaning of Christmas. Ala It’s a Wonderful Life, the town bails Mary out of her predicament with the funds from the festival. Finally, Mary tries to reunite with her family.
I would suggest not putting the ending and making it a cliffhanger, if at all possible.
I am a graduate of NYU Film and have sold one full-length feature. By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.
Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com
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Cam,
I think this is just stellar – though I agree whole heartedly with June’s notes! That said, there’s not much left to be said other than I suggest never to put a question into a pitch as in “Will the main character need/do/get out…” I’ve always been taught to make questions declaratives.
“But how likely are you to trust a developmentally challenged child in a crisis, especially when he gets infected by something that’s dying to eat you?”
Suggest something like: Sully’s challenge is every father’s nightmare: He must choose between trusting his developmentally challenged child and infected kid in a crisis or…
Something like the above makes it more active.
Just my two cents! Bravo!
Dev
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Dev Ross – Query Letter – VERSION #4
What I’ve learned is the need for brevity, clarity, action words, brevity!
Dear Film Producer,
I was perusing cool junk in an Arkansas pawn shop when in walked the local Grand Dragon, the leader of the town’s KKK. A lively conversation between us ensued, stretching out over ten days, and resulting in my Sci-Fi-Thriller.
Caine and Able
Synopsis:
Clay Caine, Grand Dragon of the KKK, has a doppelganger – and he’s black.
In the multi-verse, climate change degrades one version of Earth and causes its poisonous infiltration into a healthy one…
Strange climatic events troll a town just as CLAY CAINE is usurped at his own hate rally by a hot new White Supremacist group. This event is followed by a cross burning on his lawn – because his daughter’s pregnant with a black man’s baby and, lastly, he wakes up to find his wife is black as well… for a few seconds anyway.
All while eerie winds and shimmers continually cross the sky…
Clay’s desperation to regain power and influence, leads him to one path: assassination. He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, exists on another Earth, the very one Clay’s Earth is breeching.
Meanwhile, in his world, Lincoln awakens to a strange new urge – to assassinate a Grand Dragon….
If you like my concept and would like to see the script, I’m eager to oblige!
Best,
Dev Ross
Dev Ross has written television for Disney and Amazon Studios, films for Universal, is an optioned writer, and was recently a finalist in the Stage32’s biopic/true story screenwriting contest.
m.imdb.com/name/mn0743361BIO:
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Dev Ross.
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Hey, Dev! Want to exchange feedback?
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Yes! I’ll get on it tomorrow!
Best!
Dev
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Hey Dev!
Thanks for your always encouraging and splendid notes, both here and throughout the ProSeries! You make a great point with having questions written as declarations for more impact. I can see where questioning the reader can give the feeling of a cheap sales tactic. I’ll make the necessary adjustments! I hope my notes can be as much help to you as yours have helped me!
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?
– Putting the bio at the beginning is a creative move, considering Hal’s strategy. You’re way more experienced at this than I am (I’ve never written a query letter before this), so maybe your approach is actually more standard. That said, the real life story did pull me in, reminding me of Daryl Davis, and make me want to read how your experience inspired a unique story, particularly in the SciFi genre.
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
– I think I’ve already talked at length about what fascinates me about Clay Caine (his perspective mixed with ironic circumstances and a relatable position of losing power/authority he once had). Looking strictly at the contents of the letter, I like that it starts out with him on the decline (usurped at his own rally, cross burnt on his lawn – a bit of ironic justice there) and that he’s desperate to regain the power he once had (a relatable emotion for many men). All that and the intro to a doppelgänger, who is ironically of a decent that Clay was raised to hate, is all engaging. The only nit-picky note I have is to consider cutting the word “being” from the “CLAY CAINE, is being usurped” section because, as you and others have mentioned for my letter, the addition of that word makes the sentence more passive.
3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.
Bio: About 3 hooks (The real life story, it translating to a SciFi Thriller, and your impressive work experience).
Synopsis: Two hooks in the opening (The KKK connection is a minor one, but the doppelgänger being black is a powerful hook). 1-2 hooks in the second paragraph (the meta-verse, for sure, hooks me. The climate change component may be a hook as well). 1-3 hooks in the third paragraph (I say one because it’s the same hook used in three different ways, but each escalates the tension Clay in under. I’m a fan of this paragraph because of the way that escalation is handled). 2-3 hooks in the fourth paragraph (Clay’s plan for assassination, and his target belonging to a parallel universe). 1 hook in the fifth paragraph. 2-3 hooks in the sixth paragraph (Clay and Lincoln’s battle across different universes and the costs of that battle). 1-2 hooks for the seventh and eighth paragraphs (a note on this below).
I was advised in a response to one of my feedbacks that Hal instructed us to tell the entire story. I won’t argue against that point, and if you feel your letter stands a better chance of selling your script by including it, then you should absolutely inform the reader of the ending. That said, it’s my opinion that the seventh and eighth paragraphs do a disservice to the advertising potential of your letter, and that the synopsis should end with the sixth paragraph; I think the best parts of your entire story are told that way, without giving away the ending. Again though, I’m by no means an expert when it comes to this, and this may just be my bias in wanting to enjoy the story journey for myself without having the ending informing me of how to watch/read a movie. Please feel free to let me know if I’m mistaken on this point.
4. Does the query letter flow well?
– Aside from my above note, I really like the flow of this letter. It has a natural logical flow. I’d look at trying to cut just to pick up the pace a little, but as it’s written right now, it sells an amazing concept.
5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
Don’t want to sound like a broken record. If you think the ending should be given, that last sentence comparing the two new realities is a phenomenal hook.
Thanks again!
Cam
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Cam,
As usual – great notes. I must admit, I blew it when it came to following Hal’s instruction and went more on instinct. Still — Hal’s advice hasn’t failed me yet so no reason not to follow them now! I will do as you say and cut the ending! Thanks for the kick in the butt! As for where I placed the bio, that was a mistake as well. Oy!
Best to you as always!
Dev
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Cam,
Now I’m a bit torn. As you advised, I took out the ending and like it much better! I think the hook at the end, introducing Lincoln and his need to kill and Grand Dragon gives a strong hint at what ensues. So… I’m gonna sit on this and ponder for a bit but, again, I think your instincts on it are dead on.
BEST!
Dev
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Hey Dev!
I’ve been thinking a lot about whether Hal said to include the ending or not. His ZOMBIELAND example doesn’t say anything about an amusement park, Columbus sharing his first kiss, Tallahassee getting a Twinkie, or Little Rock learning to shoot. It just says Columbus will pursue Wichita, fighting through hundreds of millions of zombies to get to her. However, in defense of the “give the ending” position, these are some notes I made earlier…
I’m personally against giving an emotional payoff from the third act in a trailer or pitch, unless it’s asked for. When I think about THE SIXTH SENSE, however, Hal does raise a solid point that the Therapist already being dead makes that movie what it was, and including that ending may be a critical selling point. I don’t think the emotional payoff should be included though. Just the fact that “he’s a ghost and doesn’t know” still invites the curiosity to know if he’ll discover the truth and how he’ll react. So, if you want to include the ending in your letter, just consider giving us the bare minimum of details (just the hook) with no emotional payoff. The reader should read your script if they want that, and in reality they couldn’t really get the full emotional impact without knowing the complete context of the rest of the story.
…to add, I liked the line advertising that Caine and Able will fight through different dimensions, and I think emotional escalation or adding multiple layers to a conflict is great for a sales pitch! To me, there’s a difference between advertising that the Therapist was dead and never knew, and going into detail that the Therapist found out, that the boy that he was helping was in actuality helping him to pass on, and that he gives one last goodbye to his beloved wife before ascending to heaven. One informs us of a unique angle, and the other gives us a ton of emotional payoff without the leg work of 80-90 pages of set up.
Hope this helps! I think you have a great concept that will get a lot of attention!
Thanks again!
Cam
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Cam!
Your comments on endings are incredibly helpful. I think I can stop tearing my hair out now.
Best!
Dev
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Yowza, I LOVE the opening line! Winner!
Hi Dev,
I find the synopsis hard to visualize, even though I know your story well, and think that you expertly! reveal your meta- verse in your screenplay. I love your characters and the emotions of your story… but I think the query tries to show the important things first and gets caught up.
Have you tried write it, as if you’re telling the story on the phone? The query seems to try hard, and your story is not hard- it’s easy to follow- so the query should reflect that.
What if you write your synopsis in the same order as your screenplay? What if you start with the fracturing of realities?
Climate change is splintering the meta-verse. Clay Caine, Grand Dragon, is usurped.. and I think straight up to the top should be this great line: Clay believes his only path back to power is assassination- not of the upstart, but of … He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, exists in another universe, the very one Clay’s universe is breeching. Those are your strongest lines.
Your bio is freaking amazing.
all good wishes. June
BTW, Hal gave an example of using a question as the opening hook, so I’m unsure now. I know that you have mega-experience. I’ll think on that.
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Hi June,
Ieeee… This synopsis is driving me crazy. I did try too hard to write it as I had feedback from a producer who DID NOT UNDERSTAND IT ONE BIT! Totally confused. “So, were they brothers?” This is a producer I’ve worked with before but she is NOT a sci-fi fan, didn’t know a thing about metaverses and was totally bamboozled except that she loved that it was an ‘out of the box’ approach to racism.
So, thanks for reminding me that I did write it in an easy to understand way and that my synopsis needs to reflect that.
Back to the drawing board.
As always, your notes are invaluable.
Dev
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June,
About questions: I was taught that asking questions was a cheap writer’s tactic but I would certainly defer to Hal who keeps his finger on the pulse of what’s going on. Personally, I think finding a clever declarative works better but that’s just my opinion. Your instincts are finely tuned so go with them!
Thanks again for your notes!
Dev
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Hi Dev, I cut the question at the beginning. If you have a chance, could you read my draft two? I’m trying to cut the bio without losing personality. BTW, my friend, a beta reader, said she met Roy! In a wawa!
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Critique for Dev Ross – Version Three
From Lisa Long
The story at the top of the letter is gripping!
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?
Hooks: White Supremacist, KKK, Doppelganger who is Black
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
These are characters have built-in conflict before we even know what happens!
3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.
Opening Hooks: White Supremacist, KKK, Doppelganger who is Black.
Hooks throughout: multi-verse climate change, poisonous infiltration, Klan is turning on him & burning a cross on his lawn, daughter pregnant by a Black man, wife turns Black, assassination, another universe, battle across realities, destroy everything, they die, worlds implode, heaven and hell.
4. Does the query letter flow well?
It flows well for a story that can be difficult to understand.
5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
It is a fascinating ending with the creation of the two opposite universes.
6. Were there any parts that confused you?
Because I have read parts of the script, I wasn’t confused. But in my opinion, it needs to be shorter. This is challenging with a story that needs extra explanation for comprehension.
7. Do you have any suggestions that will help them improve 1 through 5?
Maybe if the concentration as on 5-6 hooks only. Doppelganger, Supremacist angle, Universe changing, Battle, Death, World implodes.
Please critique my second version if you have the chance!
Good Luck,
Lisa
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Dev
Here’s my review. I hope it’s not too late.
Dear Film Producer,
I was perusing cool junk in an Arkansas pawn shop when in walked the local Grand Dragon, the leader of the town’s KKK. A lively conversation between us ensued, stretching out over ten days, and resulting in my Sci-Fi-Thriller.
Caine and Able
Nice intro. Good personal touch. I’d be interested in seeing that encounter in a screenplay.
Synopsis:
Clay Caine, white supremacist and a Grand Dragon of the KKK, has a doppelganger – and he’s black.
Great opening hook: KKK doppelganger – and he’s black.
Just wondering if you need “white supremacist.” It’s implied by Grand Dragon of KKK. I think may be a stronger opening line without it.
In the multi-verse, climate change degrades a universe, causing its poisonous infiltration into a healthy neighboring one.
Good Hooks: degrades a universe; poisonous infiltration
A changing universe is a good sci-fi hook to pull us into the story.
Is it “a” universe, as in another planet, or is it “our” universe – Earth? That was a little confusing to me. And “…into a healthy neighboring one…” is a little awkward and maybe unnecessary. If a poisonous infiltration is taking place, I might assume the invaded universe is healthy. “…causing a poisonous infiltration…” may be all you need to say.
An early sign of this degrading universe shows up as a strange wind that blows through a charming little town just as KKK Grand Dragon, CLAY CAINE, is usurped at his own rally by an upstart from a hot new White Supremacist group. What comes next for this Klan lifer is worse – a cross is burnt on his front lawn because everybody in town now knows his daughter’s been knocked up by her black boyfriend. And to add insult to injury, one morning he wakes up to find his wife is black as well… for a few seconds anyways.
Good Hooks: a strange wind; usurped by an upstart; cross burnt on his front lawn; daughter’s baby and boyfriend are black; wife black too – for a few seconds.
These hooks make us want to know more. What does the wind do? An upstart, a burnt cross, the daughter’s baby, and her boyfriend, these hooks increase the threat. And the wife being black is a great twist.
My only suggestion: the first two sentences are a bit long – run on. A little wordsmithing will take care of it. But his was a good set-up.
Desperate to regain power and influence, and after a good pray on it, Clay believes his only path back to power is assassination. He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, exists in another universe, the very one Clay’s universe is breeching.
Good Hooks: assassination; black leader lives in another universe.
This is a great twist. “… after a good pray on it…” is a little awkward. “…and after some prayer…” But you might not need this line. I think it’s stronger without it.
Meanwhile, in his universe, Lincoln awakes to a new and very unfamiliar urge: He is to assassinate a Grand Dragon….
Great Hook and Twist: Lincoln wants to assassinate a Grand Dragon
The two universes continue their meld, causing Clay and Lincoln to literally appear and disappear out of each other lives, do battle across realties, and ultimately destroy their families, their reputations, and the meaning in life they both had fought long and hard for.
Good Hook: appear and disappear in each other lives
Nice twist. The universes are not only colliding but flipping.
In the end, they mortally wound each other only to discover they exist as a yin and yang.
Their pivotal deaths are the final catalyst for their worlds to implode and then give birth to two new universes. One is where most of us would like to live, the other is a perfect hell.
Good Hooks: two new universes. What will they look like?
The conclusion is unique. And your query is a fast read and piques our interest, making us wonder how your story and characters get to their destinations. Nice job.
If you like my concept and would like to see the script, I’m eager to oblige!
Best,
Dev Ross
Dev Ross has written television for Disney and Amazon Studios, films for Universal, is an optioned writer, and was recently a finalist in the Stage32’s biopic/true story screenwriting contest.
m.imdb.com/name/mn0743361BIO:
Great bio. I’m impressed with all my classmates. I should be asking you for your advice, not giving it!
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Hi Dev!
This sounds like a cool movie! And I think the pitch is good…but a little wordy for producers who are super busy constantly. Here are my suggestions…
Clay Caine, white supremacist and a Grand Dragon of the KKK, has a doppelganger – and he’s black.
In the multi-verse, climate change degrades a universe, causing its poisonous infiltration into a healthy neighboring one.
Both of these are a bit long and confusing. The top one is only confusing because they don’t know the story yet. The bottom one is just a complicated concept. Maybe start with something simple like…
The multi-verse IS real…and it’s making life hell for the Grand Dragon of the KKK.
An early sign of this degrading universe shows up as a strange wind that blows through a charming little town just as KKK Grand Dragon, CLAY CAINE, is usurped at his own rally by an upstart from a hot new White Supremacist group. What comes next for this Klan lifer is worse – a cross is burnt on his front lawn because everybody in town now knows his daughter’s been knocked up by her black boyfriend. And to add insult to injury, one morning he wakes up to find his wife is black as well… for a few seconds anyways.
I think there’s too much info here. I would suggest something like this, after the opening above (also, I don’t know the full story, so some elements may need to be changed, but it should provide the gist)…
First, his daughter starts dating a black guy…and he doesn’t hate him like he should. Then a new, tech-based white supremacist group started upstaging his beloved hate rallies, without one thought to how it would affect his self-esteem. Isn’t there any compassion anymore? That was when he decided he’d bring positivity back into his life by carrying out a good ol’ fashioned assassination. There’s just one problem…
The person he needs to kill is in that other dang universe!
Desperate to regain power and influence, and after a good pray on it, Clay believes his only path back to power is assassination. He’ll take out an up-and-coming black leader. However, unbeknownst to him, the black leader he chooses to murder, LINCOLN ABLE, exists in another universe, the very one Clay’s universe is breeching.
Meanwhile, in his universe, Lincoln awakes to a new and very unfamiliar urge: He is to assassinate a Grand Dragon….
The two universes continue their meld, causing Clay and Lincoln to literally appear and disappear out of each other lives, do battle across realties, and ultimately destroy their families, their reputations, and the meaning in life they both had fought long and hard for.
In the end, they mortally wound each other only to discover they exist as a yin and yang.
Their pivotal deaths are the final catalyst for their worlds to implode and then give birth to two new universes. One is where most of us would like to live, the other is a perfect hell.
I don’t think you should put the end. That seems more like a synopsis than a pitch. Also, all the wording and describing. I would put the second paragraph about Lincoln, then end with Meanwhile, in his universe, Lincoln awakes to a new and very unfamiliar urge: He is to assassinate a Grand Dragon…. Everything after that I would cut. It’s just not needed for the sell and overcomplicates the read, imo.
This sounds like a great concept! Nice job!
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Matthew,
Great notes, very specific! I’m eternally grateful!
Dev
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Hi Dev, This is so much clearer. Brava you!
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June,
I’ve often wanted to call you just to chat about writing. Let me know if you ever get close to having time for that!
Best!
Dev
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Absolutely! I’d love that and I’ve felt the same way. Anytime!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Matthew Frendo’s Query Letter Draft ONE
WHAT I LEARNED: I learned how to use hooks to create an engaging query letter. This will help me market scripts in the future.
Hey guys! So, I have three versions below. Please let me know which you think works best and why. Thanks!
Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…
She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…
She knew she was going to die.
In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.
Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…
Every criminal that was forced in got killed – so, why would a 24-year old girl join voluntarily?
It’s because they didn’t know – and never could. Alicia would rather die. She looked at the troopers’ faces around her, staring impassively ahead as they took her to the sacrifices. Only one thought crossed her mind—
I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?
Though she didn’t know it yet, these sacrifices were going to be the most painful, excruciating and heartbreaking experience of Alicia’s life…
And they’ll be the thing that turns her into the hero she never thought she could be.
(Two opening hooks here…not sure which is best to use)
What if Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!
After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—
I wonder what monster they’ll vote in to kill me?
Will it be vampires? Loch ness monster? Freaking killer mermaids? Only two things were certain…they’ll be violent and she’ll be killed. Then she thought of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thought about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world….
And knew she had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…
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Critique for Matthew Frendo’s Query Letter – Draft One
From Lisa Long
Overall, I see hooks that will make the reader continue reading. The lead character is curiously interesting. I want to know the secret! You are very close to a powerful letter. You left off the end of the letter with the bio and request for script part, etc. I would include the TITLE of the script somewhere too.
Hey guys! So, I have three versions below. Please let me know which you think works best and why. Thanks!
Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…
Note: “vote in” to what? And who is voting? Maybe change the tense and tell them who is voting by saying, “Alicia wonders what horrible monster the public will send to kill her next… Hook.
She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…
She knew she was going to die.
Note: Hook.
In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.
Note: I would use the present tense instead of the past: change “wanted” to wants, “was” to is, “hoped” to hopes, “kept” to keeps, etc. It will make it feel more in the moment and that it’s happening now.
Example: “All she wants now is for her son to be proud when she finally meets her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hopes he never finds out the truth.” Hook – what is the truth?
Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…
Every criminal that was forced in got killed – so, why would a 24-year old girl join voluntarily?
Note: forced in to what? Is it the horror circus? “Join” seems out of place. Maybe if you say what the “in” is, you can say, “…would a 24-year-old girl volunteer to go in _____” Hook.
It’s because they didn’t know – and never could. Alicia would rather die. She looked at the troopers’ faces around her, staring impassively ahead as they took her to the sacrifices. Only one thought crossed her mind—
I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?
Note: This line is more descriptive to me! I’d leave out the “in”…just say, “…will send to kill me?” Hook.
Though she didn’t know it yet, these sacrifices were going to be the most painful, excruciating, and heartbreaking experience of Alicia’s life…
And they’ll be the thing that turns her into the hero she never thought she could be.
Note: This seems like an ending, not an opening?
(Two opening hooks here…not sure which is best to use)
What if Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!
Note: It’s okay to mention Hunger Games because it will remind them automatically of it, so you need to distinguish your script. I don’t understand the flashing lights, host, sacrifice part of the line…it seems out of context.
After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—
I wonder what monster they’ll vote in to kill me?
Note: This makes sense to me. I understand the story with this opening. I’d say, “…keeps going through her head—”
Will it be vampires? Loch ness monster? Freaking killer mermaids? Only two things were certain…they’ll be violent, and she’ll be killed. Then she thought of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thought about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world….
And knew she had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…
Note: Again, I would change the tense, such as below:
“Then she thinks of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thinks about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world…
And she knows she has to find a way to get out, even if it means killing everyone else!” This shows that SHE has to kill the others to get out.
Final Strong Hook.
I know I read scenes from your script; I think the setting is an abandoned circus. A little more description of that would add to the horror. Good job!
Thanks, Lisa
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Matthew,
Some very provocative writing!
Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…
THIS IS A GREAT HOOK! STILL, I’D PLAY WITH IT A BIT AS PUTTING IT IN PAST TENSE MAKES IT FEEL LESS ACTIVE/PRESENT.
SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE: ALICIA MULLS OVER WHAT THE VOTING PUBLIC WILL SEND IN NEXT TO TRY AND MURDER HER.
She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…
She knew she was going to die.
ANOTHER GREAT HOOK.
In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.
I DON’T THINK YOU NEED BACKSTORY. KEEP ALL IN THE PRESENT TO KEEP IMMEDIATE. THE BIG HOOK FOR ME HERE IS WHAT THE TRUTH IS.
Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…
Every criminal that was forced in got killed – so, why would a 24-year old girl join voluntarily?
I SUGGEST STAYING AWAY FROM QUESTIONS AS IN “WHY WOULD A 24-YEAR-OKD GIRL JOIN VOLUNTARILY. SUGGEST: EVERY CRIMINAL SENT IN DIED. THEY WERE FORCED BUT SHE VOLUNTEERED…
It’s because they didn’t know – and never could. Alicia would rather die. She looked at the troopers’ faces around her, staring impassively ahead as they took her to the sacrifices. Only one thought crossed her mind—
I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?
THE ABOVE SOUNDS LIKE THE OPENING OF A BOOK AND NOT A SCREENPLAY. DOESN’T WORK FOR ME.
Though she didn’t know it yet, these sacrifices were going to be the most painful, excruciating, and heartbreaking experience of Alicia’s life…
And they’ll be the thing that turns her into the hero she never thought she could be.
AGAIN, READS MORE LIKE A BOOK THAN FILM. LAST LINE SOUNDS LIKE AN ENDING, WHICH I SUGGEST AVOIDING. NOT WORKING FOR ME.
What if <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!
SUGGEST STAYING AWAY FROM QUESTIONS AND MAKE DECLARATIVE STATEMENTS INSTEAD. EVEN THEN, I DON’T THINK YOU NEED THE ABOVE. YOUR STUFF STANDS ON ITS OWN.
After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—
I wonder what monster they’ll vote in to kill me?
NOW THIS IS STRONG. IMMEDIATELY HOOKED ME IN! STILL, I THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER. IT’S UNCLEAR WHY THE SYSTEM WAS SWITCHED TO SOCIAL MEDIA VOTING AS THE OPENING SENTENCE DOESN’T SET IT UP.
SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE: THIRTY YEARS OF SACRIFICE MATCHES HAS ELIMINATED CRIME FROM SOCIETY – BUT NOT THE PUBLIC’S BLOODLUST. TO QUENCH IT, OUTCASTS AND WEIRDOS ARE NOW ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK AND THE SYSTEM HAS SWITCHED TO VOTING VIA SOCIAL MEDIA. NOW YOUNG ALICIA IS ON HER WAY TO BE SACRIFICED…
Will it be vampires? Loch ness monster? Freaking killer mermaids? Only two things were certain…they’ll be violent, and she’ll be killed. Then she thought of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thought about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world….
I DON’T THINK YOU NEED THE ABOVE AS IT GIVES AWAY TOO MUCH. YOU’VE ALREADY HAVE SOME VERY STRONG HOOKS.
And knew she had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…
STRONG HOOK! SUGGEST: SHE KNOWS SHE’LL FIND A WAY OUT. SHE HAS A SON. SHE HAS TOO. EVEN IF IT MEANS EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO DIE.
I THINK YOUR THIRD PITCH IS STRONGEST!
NICE WORK!
DEV
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Thanks, Dev! I used a lot of your thoughts in V2!
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Hey Matthew!
I hope my notes can help you to sell your script!
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?
I think each version has promise in their own way, but the first version had the best opening for me and the strongest hooks. “Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next” is efficient, carries a number of different messages, and is succinct.
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
I get the concept, and the secret about Alicia’s son is a strong hook. That said, I know almost nothing about her or what she’s like. She volunteered to protect her son (similar plot beat to Katniss from THE HUNGER GAMES). What about her or the way she competes makes her stand out from Katniss, and will engage the reader/producer?
3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.
“Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…” – 2-3 hooks (monsters, voting, Alicia’s going to die, but the word “next” indicates she survived at least one).
“She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…” – 2-3 hooks (confirmation that players were victorious, but the “first time ever” component infers something unique about these players, and those in power getting pissed indicates the probability of escalation)
“She knew she was going to die.” – 1 hook (mostly a confirmation of the first line. It still works…)
“In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.” – 1-2 hooks (In my opinion, the first half doesn’t work. It’s too much repetition/confirmation without much escalation – we already know they win once, so the line about some guy we don’t know being tougher either falls flat or makes the protagonists bigger than the obstacles. However, the second half about Alicia, her son, and the secret kept from him does escalate and add an additional dimension to Alicia’s obstacles. She isn’t just up against monsters, but is also trying to keep a secret buried).
“Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…” – I don’t know that this truly adds a whole lot. We already know she’s at death’s door. Her being ripped apart is just saying how, and it’s something that could’ve been established in either of the previous two points her death was brought up. You could change the line “She knew she was going to die” to “She knew she was going to be ripped limb from limb” and you get the same information from both of these points combined.
I think the main hooks of your script are the “fan favorite” monsters, Alicia’s cunning, the social credit leading to public executions, and the secret behind Alicia’s son. Due to the social credit angle, someone HAD to vote in the son, which is a big deal, and something that differentiates this from THE HUNGER GAMES. Alicia has to keep the secret from her son, but if I were in her shoes, I’d also be wondering which asshole(s) I’d have to take out for going after my child. There’re a handful of emotional angles to play with in your story, and since you can’t really escalate the whole “she’s about to die” angle, your letter could focus on escalating the emotional angles, the time she’s up against to ensure her son isn’t voted back in for the next monster hunt.
4. Does the query letter flow well?
I’ll argue the first one flows the best. I think it just needs clearer emotional rising action.
5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
“God, she hopes he never finds out the truth.” – This is the strongest hook to end with right now (speaking in present tense so we’re kept engaged and nothing is for certain yet).
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
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Hi Matt, comments from June
Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…
DEFINITELY FUNNY AND INTRIGUING- I like this as your opening hook The bottom three don’t hold the interest that this one does.
She knew she was going to die.
VERY COMPELLING! at this point, I’m wondering if Alicia is embedded in a video game, (I haven’t read your work so my reactions are ‘new eyes’ which hopefully will be good) It also feels like Hunger Games.
even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth. HOOK AFTER HOOK. Way to go.
I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?
REDUNDANT BUT ADDED INFO ‘SOCIAL MEDIA’ but still feels like a repeat
GOOD CLOSING
(Two opening hooks here…not sure which is best to use)
What if Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!
I PERSONALLY DISLIKE THE REFERENCE TO ANOTHER MOVIE, WHICH WAS SO OVERUSED IN THE EARLY 2000’S. THIS ISN’T QUITE THE SAME BUT I’D PERSONALLY TURN OFF. MAYBE THAT’S JUST ME.
After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—
THIS ONE HAS POTENTIAL BUT I’D START WITH THE IDEA OF SOCIAL MEDIA VOTING. THE CRIME ELIMINATED REMINDS ME OF MINORITY REPORT. Maybe rearrange the sentences, such as something like “Unpopular weirdos are on the chopping block and society votes who will live, and who will die on Social Media.
Maybe JUST THIS LINE: She had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…
Matt, definitely interesting to be pitched to producers who want another Hunger Games, an absolute yes, we’ll read.
The advantage is female warrior- very in demand now- the gaming aspect – the backstory/hidden truth. Not sure if you’ll show the abusive mother- but those are your hooks. Well done!
June
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Dana’s review of Matthew Frendo’s Query Letter Draft ONE
FYI – I like your second letter better. I evaluated both.
Alicia wondered what monster they would vote in to kill her next…
Nice opening hook. Grabs my interest and imagination. But “…vote in to kill her next…” is a little hard to read. “…they would elect to kill her…”
She and the other players already took out two. First time in history it’s ever happened. And the assholes in power have to be getting worried…and pissed. Either way…
She knew she was going to die.
Nice hook: “…knew she was going to die.”
In 30 years of sacrifice matches, only one person ever survived. And he was way tougher than any of them were. All she wanted now was for her son to be proud when she did finally meet her end…even if it means he never finds out the truth. God, she hoped he never found out the truth.
Good hooks: sacrifice matches; who was the only one to survive; never finding the truth.
“…way tougher…” might be a little weak. Something more violent would be frightening. “And he was far more (menacing; violent; ferocious: etc.) than any of them.”
“…when she did finally meet…” is awkward. “…proud when she finally met her end…”
I also don’t think you need the second line about his learning the truth. “God, she hoped…” It may be a little redundant, especially when the next line is so gripping.
Because that would be the only thing worse than being ripped apart alive while the whole world cheers…
Nice imagery hook. What’s ripping her apart? And why?
“Because that would be worse than being…” is a little tighter.
Every criminal that was forced in got killed – so, why would a 24-year old girl join voluntarily?
Good hooks: criminals; everyone killed; why would she volunteer?
A little wordsmithing – “Every criminal forced to play got killed – so why…”
It’s because they didn’t know – and never could. Alicia would rather die. She looked at the troopers’ faces around her, staring impassively ahead as they took her to the sacrifices. Only one thought crossed her mind—
I wonder what monster social media voters will send in to kill me?
Hooks: Alicia wants to die; monsters sent to kill her
The sentence is confusing. I think it would be more impactful if you answered the question why she volunteered by simply saying “Because she wanted to die.”
Her question, I’d leave off “I wonder…” “What monster will social media voters send to kill me?”
Though she didn’t know it yet, these sacrifices were going to be the most painful, excruciating and heartbreaking experience of Alicia’s life…
And they’ll be the thing that turns her into the hero she never thought she could be.
Hooks: painful sacrifices; becoming a hero
This is a good query, though I have a few questions. I don’t really know anything about the “sacrifice matches.” It’s a little vague. I don’t know why they exist or their purpose. Your letter seems to describe a future death match kind of game, but I don’t get a sense of it.
I think the next query better explains your concept.
(Two opening hooks here…not sure which is best to use)
What if Hunger Games was a horror movie? Or Flashing lights. A charismatic host. Now, this is what you call a sacrifice!
Your second opening is better.
Opening hook: Now this is what you call a sacrifice!
It sounds like a future game show about people being sacrificed.
After 30 years of sacrifice matches, crime has been eliminated from society. And that’s why the system was switched to social media voting. Now, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—
I wonder what monster they’ll vote in to kill me?
Hooks: sacrifice matches; crime eliminated; social media voting; outcasts on chopping block; Alicia being sacrificed.
A little wordsmithing: “And with the system now switched to social media voting, the unpopular, outcasts and weirdos are on the chopping block. That’s how Alicia…”
“Sacrifice matches” is still a little vague. Maybe explain what you mean by sacrifice.
Will it be vampires? Loch ness monster? Freaking killer mermaids? Only two things were certain…they’ll be violent and she’ll be killed. Then she thought of her son, hidden away with her abusive mother. She thought about her mother exposing the truth about him to the world….
And knew she had to find a way to get out, even if it meant everyone else dying…
Hooks: What monster will Alicia face; she’ll be killed; the truth about her son; everyone else dying.
This query is much stronger. I understand the concept. It’s a blend of the Running Man and the Purge. I think you have some great hooks in both. I liked the line “…only one person ever survived…” If you could incorporate that line into the second letter, it might elevate the danger Alicia faces.
Dana
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V2 – thanks for the help everyone!
Also, I’ve been having trouble with a title, but I’m thinking:
LIGHTS! CAMERA! SACRIFICE!
Any thoughts are welcome…
Alicia knew was that she was on her way to die…
30 years of sacrifice matches have eliminated crime from society – but not the public’s bloodlust. To quench it, outcasts and weirdos are now on the chopping block and the judicial system has switched to social media voting. And that’s how Alicia found herself on the way to be sacrificed. Only one thought kept going through her head—
I wonder what monster they’ll send in to tear me apart?
She shivered, thinking of the horrific beasts they have created throughout the years. Then she thought of her son, watching his mother get mutilated and ripped to pieces while their neighbors cheered along.
And she knew she had to find a way to get out, even if it meant every other captive dying a miserable death…
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Matthew Frendo.
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Matthew!
Love this version! Tight, visual, gripping!
Yay!
Best!
Dev
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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ASSIGNMENT 10
KATE’S QUERY LETTER DRAFT ONE
(but different to Assignment 9)What I learned is I can’t edit this – please all dive in!
(Oh and I am on the road – sitting in a hotel room in Winnemucca,NV! About to disappear into a remote hot spring (not ideal timing I know).
Will emerge Thursday noonish.. I look forward to reading yours and getting your feedback.)
Dear Film Producer,
We are set free when we know the truth. ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ is such a story.
A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation to save the local community from him.
Nia’s African-American Mother, Amahla, died when she was 6, her Father abandoned her to his parents a year later, and she has an idealized story of her devastated father doing good in the world..
18 years later at the end of a summer theatre tour in a small rural community fighting a vengeful developer, Nia is face to face with how reality and dreams don’t match- up, and suppressed memories begin to crowd in.
The triangular relationship of the past between Darrogh (Father/Developer) and Luciana, the fiery Latina community organizer, and Amahla fuel the war today as Darrogh buys up the land to build the worlds’ largest landfill in Luciana’s rural town.
Believing that love can change the bitter, narcissistic man her father is, and determined to help save the valley, Nia plays a double game conceiving a big con using the actors to ‘buy’ the land, and continuing to give her Father every chance to be who he could be.
The troupe’s final performance reveals all. Released from the naivety of childhood, empowered by the truth and with Luciana’s blessing, Nia is free to go and live her life. Darrogh ends his, realizing he threw away the last chance he had for love – from the daughter who was the image of her mother.
The Author
Kate is currently the Producing Artistic Director of a rural theatre company where she wears many hats and uses theatre as a mode of building community and better mental health. Her screenplays have placed in numerous contests, including Austin, San Francisco International Screenwriting Competition, WRPN Women’s International Film Festival and Portland Screenplay Awards.
If this is interesting to you I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Kate Hawkes
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Antonio’s Query Letter – Version 2
[NOTE: THERE IS A VERSION 3 ALREADY]
What I learned doing this assignment:
Brevity. Essence. Less is more.
/////// VERSION 2 \\\\\\\
Dear Film Producer,
There is a time when people MUST put their life on the line.
For Parisa Nedellec that time is NOW! Her boyfriend, an underground MMA prizefighter has mysteriously disappeared, catapulting her into the world of underground fighting to rescue him.
But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she needs to learn… FAST!
Parisa is an accomplished rhythmic gymnast, a cheerleader whose emotions and past traumas often impair her performance.
Her uncle “Pops”, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance,” and introduces Parisa to mysterious latin and salsa dance instructors who exploit her athletic qualities and make Parisa a Chinese wrestling and Brazilian Capoeira fighter in no time.
Parisa wears a pendant that her boyfriend gifted her and that is linked to a Persian legend about power that needs to be unlocked.
Fred Corner, a drunkard who works as bet collector in the underground fights, unwittingly teaches Parisa the secret to unlock the power of the pendant: Courage!
“Girl in the Fighting Cage” is a female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Ball Z, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans. It can be filmed in less than six locations and small sets.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
About the author:
Antonio Flores, screenwriter. A former journalist from Mexico City, he was the first non-Chinese graduated as a professional Wushu (Martial Arts) coach from a Chinese university in 1991. Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing for more than 20 years.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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Hey Antonio!
I really appreciated your feedback! These notes were written just before you posted your second version, which does feel more succinct and reads better as a result. I hope there’s still some value in these notes and that they can help you sell your script!
1. Does it have an opening hook that lures us into the story? If so, did it make you want to read more?
“When is the best time to be brave?” isn’t a bad opening hook, but it does feel so generic that it gives the sense of “blink and you’ll miss it.” If there’s a different quote, question, or statement that’s specific to your script, go with that. I think of the difference between the titles EDGE OF TOMORROW and LIVE. DIE. REPEAT. Same movie but the titles sell two different ideas. You could call a film like DOWNTON ABBEY “Edge of Tomorrow” and it could still work, considering the themes. LIVE. DIE. REPEAT sells the concept with three words. That’s what we’re going for in the opening hook, something that sells the concept and stakes in the opening line.
2. Does it give us an interesting character that we want to know more about?
Parisa’s a cheerleader, a gymnast, a dancer, a martial arts prodigy, a demi-chosen one with the pendent subplot, and has to both save her fiancé and overcome a psychological wound. There’s a lot to keep up with here, and it risks being overwhelming because it all feels separate from each other, as it’s written now. What are the three most interesting aspects of Parisa? I think her being a talented cheerleader out to save her fiancé, and her having to enter an underground fighting ring to do so, are the two main hooks. The third should be her wound; tying a personal history with her current predicament, and setting up the pendent that unlocks to her when she moves past that wound. There’s a way to represent all of these angles by keeping us focused on how each angle informs the next: she’s a cheerleader in love (we think we know her), but her boyfriend disappears (uh oh) to an underground fight club (even worse) that she enters to save his life (major hook) because after losing her sister, she won’t lose another loved one (wound). I do want to add that what would really put this over the moon is if Parisa feels responsible for her sister’s death, and in some way feels responsible for her boyfriend’s capture like a repeating of events. That ties everything together, tells me more of who Parisa is (perfectionistic because she lost someone close to her) and why she’s taking on this task beyond the love angle.
3. How many hooks do you identify in the query letter? Please list them.
Opening: 1 hook (already talked about how it could be elevated).
Synopsis: 2-3 hooks in the first paragraph (“Parisa will find out,” a captured boyfriend, and the girlfriend going on a rescue mission). 1 hook in the second paragraph (it’s a fun sentence, but on its own, it doesn’t add much that we don’t already know). 2 hooks in the third paragraph (Parisa’s profession and her wound. The profession could be introduced in the prior paragraph to add more impact to each sentence so each sentence escalates the dilemma). 1-2 hooks in the fifth paragraph (supernatural pendent given by boyfriend. I wonder if this would read stronger if it were raised as a mystery, almost like a question mark). On the final paragraph, I’m not sure. I’ve read that Hal advised to give the ending away, and while I’ve been looking for the exact quote, I do know that an emotional payoff with no setup reads hollow. I think the final paragraph is better left on the cutting room floor and replaced by the information given in the fourth paragraph, because that paragraph tells us what this story’s about: Parisa becoming a prize fighter to save her lover. If you want to include the ending though, I’d look at how to establish just the emotional stakes and escalation, and leave out the payoff that requires 80-90 pages of quality setup to sell it.
Bio: 2-3 hooks (being the first at something, particularly with regards to your martial arts background)
4. Does the query letter flow well?
It’s almost there. It just has to be organized into an A leads to B, because of C. But D happens. Therefore, E comes into play. Not exactly that format, but a logical flow that makes everything feel connected.
5. Does it end with a hook that increases the chance a producer will request the script?
Almost. There’s magic in your story. Ending on that note as one more pitting of the odds against Parisa will leave a reader wondering how this cheerleader is not only going to fight through an underworld of cage fighters, but also deal with the supernatural powers backing them. The only way reader will find out is by reading your script.
Thanks again!
Cam
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Antonio!
This version rocks! Great job!
Dev
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Antonio’s Query Letter – Version 3
What I learned doing this assignment:
Having warmhearted classmates is like having a magic pendant. Thanks Dev and Cam for your valuable notes and suggestions!
/////// VERSION 3 \\\\\\\
Dear Film Producer,
There is a time when people MUST put their life on the line.
For Parisa Nedellec that time is NOW! Her boyfriend, an underground MMA prizefighter has mysteriously disappeared, catapulting her into the world of underground fighting to rescue him.
But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she needs to learn… FAST!
Parisa is a dancer, a cheerleader who blames herself for her sister’s death. She cannot afford to lose another loved one.
Her uncle, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance.” He asks some mysterious latin and salsa instructors to exploit her dancing skills and make her a Chinese wrestling and Brazil Capoeira fighter in no time.
Parisa outsmarts her opponents by using the environment and improvising weapons, some of which might be new for western audiences.
She wears a pendant that is linked to a Persian legend about power that needs to be unlocked. Fred Corner, a drunkard, unwittingly teaches her how to unlock that power!
Girl in the Fighting Cage is a female-driven, action movie that aims at a worldwide audience, the Dragon Ball Z, Ninja Turtles generation, the world of MMA female fighters, martial arts moviegoers, and Parkour fans. It can be filmed in less than six locations and small sets.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
About the author:
Antonio Flores, screenwriter. A former journalist from Mexico City, he was the first non-Chinese graduated as a professional Wushu (Martial Arts) coach from a Chinese university in 1991. Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing for more than 20 years.
Contact:
email: flores_antonio@hotmail.com
twitter: ‘@trigrama’
LinkedIn: etc, etc.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Kate,
We are set free when we know the truth. ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ is such a story.
SUGGEST SOMETHING SHORTER, TO THE POINT, MORE JUICY OR UNIQUE
YES, THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE – BUT IT’S PAINFUL. (YOU CAN DO BETTER BUT I HOPE YOU SEE MY POINT.
A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation to save the local community from him.
SUGGEST: A YOUNG ACTRESS ON TOUR STUMBLES ON HER LONG-LOST FATHER AND FINDS HERSELF THE LEAD IN A STING OPERATION AGAINST HIM.
Nia’s African-American Mother, Amahla, died when she was 6, her Father abandoned her to his parents a year later, and she has an idealized story of her devastated father doing good in the world..
SUGGEST CUTTING THE ABOVE. IF PRODUCERS WANT TO KNOW THIS, THEY’LL ASK, WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANT.
18 years later at the end of a summer theatre tour in a small rural community fighting a vengeful developer, Nia is face to face with how reality and dreams don’t match- up, and suppressed memories begin to crowd in.
SUGGEST SOMETHING SHORTER LIKE:
A RURAL TOWN FIGHTS A DEVELOPER UNTIL MUCH IS SET AFOOT WHEN A THEATRE TOUPE ROLLS IN. YOUNG ACTRESS NIA MEETS HER LONG-LOST FATHER – A DREAM COME TRUE UNTIL SHE DISCOVERS REALITY AND DREAMS DON’T MIX…
The triangular relationship of the past between Darrogh (Father/Developer) and Luciana, the fiery Latina community organizer, and Amahla fuel the war today as Darrogh buys up the land to build the worlds’ largest landfill in Luciana’s rural town.
SUGGEST CUTTING THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH.
Believing that love can change the bitter, narcissistic man her father is, and determined to help save the valley, Nia plays a double game conceiving a big con using the actors to ‘buy’ the land, and continuing to give her Father every chance to be who he could be.
SUGGEST SOMETHING SHORTER LIKE:
NOW NIA PLAYS THE ROLE OF HER LIFE AS SHE AND HER TROUPE PLAY WEALTHY LAND BUYERS – ALL IN ORDER TO CON HER DAD.
The troupe’s final performance reveals all. Released from the naivety of childhood, empowered by the truth and with Luciana’s blessing, Nia is free to go and live her life. Darrogh ends his, realizing he threw away the last chance he had for love – from the daughter who was the image of her mother.
SUGGEST CUTTING THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH THAT TELLS THE ENDING. IT GIVES TOO MUCH AWAY.
I THINK IF YOU GO THROUGH THE STORY LOOKING FOR THE BIG EMOTIONAL CHARACTER HOOKS AND THE FUN ACTION HOOKS, YOU CAN MAKE THIS POP OFF THE PAGE.
DEV
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Lisa’s Query Letter – VERSION THREE
What I learned doing this assignment is to keep it short and sweet. Lead with the punch and add the hooks. Very productive lesson.
Title: Mary’s Wonderful Christmas
Synopsis
Santa Claus has been kidnapped by Mary a separated down-and-out mom who is holding him for ransom in order to save her shop from foreclosure.
A former Air Force captain, Mary once guarded Santa Claus at the North Pole for NORAD, which gives her the idea to kidnap Santa. She lives in the “It’s a Wonderful Life” town and is going to lose her snowmobile shop if she doesn’t pay up by December 25th.
Separated from her husband, Peter, and her two daughters, Mary hopes by saving her business she can win back her family too.
While government agents are searching for them, Mary and Santa Claus move through town unnoticed during the Santa 5K race where all the runners must dress as Santa. Through all the obstacles, Santa tries to guide Mary to the real meaning of Christmas.
Let’s see if Mary can get out of this predicament and gain back her business and her family!
I am a graduate of NYU Film and have sold one full-length feature. By the way, I’ve attended the real annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival complete with running Santa Clauses.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script for Mary’s Wonderful Christmas.
Lisa Long, llongmolly@gmail.com
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Lisa, I love the opening hook! It instantly draws me into the story. Holding Santa for ransom is a new twist on a genre I love.
Lisa, as you already know, I’m a fan of the genre. With that said, does your opening hook lure me into the story? It did as your angle, kidnapping Santa is (new yet familiar) on a genre that has seen hundreds of angles.
Mary is indeed an interesting character who has seen the ups and downs that life has to offer. I would like to “see” why Mary feels saving her snow mobile shop will “win back her family.” It makes sense on a financial level. I would like you to show us why. Perhaps have her pull out an old photograph of her, her husband, Peter, and their two daughters standing proudly outside her snow mobile show on opening day. I need a visual/psychological link (unique to Mary and it doesn’t have to be logical, better if it isn’t) that explains why, in her mind, saving the shop will bring the family back together. If this is already in the script, cheers to you!!
It ends with a question, which works as a hook. But I feel I don’t have any of Act Two, the raising of the stakes, a hook or two that shows Mary in trouble, being found out, narrow escape etc.,
Again, this might just be me who is admittedly, the king of writing too much detail and thinking queries are clever book reports. This is a new process for yours truly, so take what I have penned with a grain of salt.
I still would love to read the entire script when you are finished.
Best of luck!
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Hi Michael,
Thanks for the feedback! I have struggled to pull out what to use. I’ll try again to include some of the Act 2 hooks. I’m working on the second draft now. I would love to include you in my T.O.T.E. group, if you agree?
Lisa
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KATE’S QUERY LETTER V 2
(with thanks to Dev and Antonio)
Dear Film Producer,
The truth may hurt but it can also set us free. ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ is such a story.
A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation against him.
Luciana swears on her grandpa’s grave that Darrogh will pay for his vengeful development plans as Nia and the theatre troupe set up camp in a green field.
Seeing her, Luciana makes the sign of the cross, Darrogh is stunned. The girl could be an avenging ghost, a shadow that binds them to the festering past or a new beginning.
Darrogh reveals he is her father, her dream come true until she discovers reality and dreams don’t match and suppressed memories crowd in.
Claiming her voice, Nia fills the role of her life as she, the troupe and local community create a ‘play’ for real, in order to con her dad. But can Nia also have relationship with him built on the truth?
OR IS THIS Last para BETTER
Claiming her voice, Nia fills the role of her life as she, the troupe and local community play for real, in order to con her dad. But Nia is also determined to have a relationship with him built on the truth.
Kate is currently the Producing Artistic Director of a rural theatre company where she wears many hats and uses theatre as a mode of building community and better mental health. Her screenplays have placed in numerous contests, including Austin, San Francisco International Screenwriting Competition, WRPN Women’s International Film Festival and Portland Screenplay Awards.
If this is interesting to you I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Kate Hawkes
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
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Kate,
This version is tighter and reads better for sure!
The truth may hurt but it can also set us free. ‘Amahla’s Daughter’ is such a story.
THE ABOVE STILL DOESN’T READ LIKE A HOOK TO ME. DOES NOT DRAW ME IN.
A young actress on tour stumbles onto her long-lost idealized father and finds herself playing a lead role in a sting operation against him.
WORKS GREAT.
Luciana swears on her grandpa’s grave that Darrogh will pay for his vengeful development plans as Nia and the theatre troupe set up camp in a green field.
BECAUSE YOU INTRO’D NIA AS YOUNG ACTRESS IN THE SENTENCE BEFORE, SUGGEST REARRANGING THIS TO:
NIA, THE YOUNG ACTRESS, AND HER TROUPE SET UP CAMP AS ACTING MAYOR (?) LUCIANA SWEARS THAT NIA’S FATHER, THE VENGEFUL LAND DEVELOPER, WILL PAY!
Seeing her, Luciana makes the sign of the cross, Darrogh is stunned. The girl could be an avenging ghost, a shadow that binds them to the festering past or a new beginning.
SUGGEST TIGHTENING THE ABOVE: SEEING HER, THE WARRING DUO OF LUC AND DAR ARE STUNNED. NIA COULD BE LUC’S AVENGING ANGEL OR DUC’S NEW BEGINNING…
Darrogh reveals he is her father, her dream come true until she discovers reality and dreams don’t match and suppressed memories crowd in.
Claiming her voice, Nia fills the role of her life as she, the troupe and local community create a ‘play’ for real, in order to con her dad. But can Nia also have relationship with him built on the truth?
OR IS THIS Last para BETTER
Claiming her voice, Nia fills the role of her life as she, the troupe and local community play for real, in order to con her dad. But Nia is also determined to have a relationship with him built on the truth.
SUGGEST CUTTING ‘CLAIMING HER VOICE.’ LIKE HAVING PLAY AS ‘PLAY.’
NIA FILLS (SUGGEST THE WORD ‘PLAYS’ AS IT’S MORE ACTIVE) THE ROLE OF HER LIFE AS SHE, THE TROUPE AND THE COMMUNITY ‘PLAY’ FOR REAL – ALL TO CON HER DAD. STILL, DESPITE PLAYING HIM, NIA’S DETERMINED THAT THEIR FATHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP BE ‘REAL.’
Kate is currently the Producing Artistic Director of a rural theatre company w
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Hi Cam
I am very late to this party having been on the road for a few days. I did just post V2 if you have time to look at it.
some comments:
Iove your opening line from your script. Says so much in terms of character, energy and issue!
and the set up is good
This feels long and a little confusing?
After a year of barely speaking to his son, Sully is forced to be alone with him when the alarm signals the return of deadly alien parasites, and they both watch the bunker doors shut them out. Lucky for Sully, Isaiah is obsessed with the parasites, and may be the only one who can help uncover their dark secret. But he’ll have to trust his developmentally challenged child in the same crisis that killed his wife a year ago.and then the ending Q is great!
I am wondering of it is best to use a Q format or a or/maybe format with mine…
I put both there..
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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ANITA’S QUERY LETTER
Hi All,
I disappeared for two weeks while my daughter and grandchildren were visiting from Scotland after 4 years away (priorities). But I’m here now and would love feedback on my Query Letter!
Thanks, -Anita
Dear Film Producer,
Ripped from today’s headlines: “Unable to access an abortion a woman abandons her baby at birth”. LIFE CHOICES follows that woman’s journey into her future when she learns that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her on a gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted.
Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’ fire station. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley, exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge. When his wife Karen discovers through genetic home testing kits that Cyrus has a child out of wedlock she leaves him.
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at the same genetics lab that uncovered Cyrus’ illegitimate child – who is Harley. Because of her job’s database access Harley discovers both her biological parents’ identities and their health histories.
Danica also climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s sister dies from familial acute kidney disease and Danica is told by her doctor of her own need for a kidney transplant. Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments. The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter.
Harley, aware of both parents’ identities and their medical histories, agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus. TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
As a mother of three daughters, who has also experienced two miscarriages, I (like millions of women) feel passionately about the topic of reproductive rights. I am an optioned screenwriter who has experience working with producers. I have written eight feature film screenplays, two of which have won Finalist and Best Screenplay recognition in three different festivals. My stories span various genres but all have strong female leads. My film credits can be found on IMDB at: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2874540/?ref_=nv_sr_3?ref_=nv_sr_3
If this story resonates with you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
Very Best Regards,
Anita Gomez
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Anita Gomez.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Anita Gomez.
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Yay, I was a bit worried about you. Let’s exchange. I’ve posted draft 3. Little worried that my opening line is weak. It previously was, “Who doesn’t want a free ride for their retirement?”
Or should I go directly to: There’s a reason….”
I’ll read your query in a few hours. cheers, June
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Thanks June!
Looking for your V.3 now.
My synopsis is longer than Hal suggests. I am having a hard time trimming it down further.
Would love any suggestions along those lines!
-Anita
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Comments for Anita draft one, from June
Opening graph is strong. hooks: ripped from.. journey into the future gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted
I don’t know if you’ve changed your script since I read it, but although Danica’s search is part of your story, I recall that the search is more on the Harley’s side. I love the opening graph, but it leads to the expectations that the story is exclusively focused on a mother’s search- and when people read your script, they’ll say “that’s not what she pitched”
I think your actual script focuses on Danica’s conflict within herself, her urgent need for a kidney, and the prickly relationship with Cyrus. The key theme is that despite Danica’s inability to get the abortion, she’s a fierce choice advocate.
Your synopsis appears to have too many minor details. The wife plays a small part and I think the slant in your script is a wife and Cyrus who don’t get along anyway, so her leaving is the final straw.
Perhaps you can pitch it as Cyrus thinks he controls everyone but in the end, this destroys Cyrus’ family and his illusions of invulnerability and grandeur.
Your ‘hidden’ opponent (hidden from Danica and Cyrus) is key. She’s working behind the scenes, the audience has the advantage of knowing- and I think that’s significant for the pitch. I don’t think it’s an important detail that Harley finds the info in the same lab as Karen- but rather that because she’s cruel and intentional, she gets a job where she can discover her birth parents and learning of her mother’s medical history, plans to kill Cyrus to arrange his kidney for her mom.
I think you can skip the sister dying, too. Danica’s career climbs, and she is the one person who can argue the case for abortion (that’s not clear in your description)- and finds herself in front of a panel of judges- one of whom is Cyrus. The stress triggers an immediate need for a kidney-
Your bio
I’d start with the optioned screenwriter.. experience w producers and the two finalists and your IMDB credit. Then the mom of three daughters who’s experienced two miscarriages. BTW, I’m so sorry for your losses!
Don’t forget your contact info at the end.
It’s a good story and fingers crossed on your success.
cheers, June
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Thanks June! Super helpful notes. Working on another draft of the letter, and still playing catch-up on other assignments. (This module is a bit overwhelming for me!)
You’re right to call out that I am pitching Danica’s search which is not the highlight of the script. That said, I have been beefing up Danica’s angst over trying to connect with her estranged daughter, so my current draft is somewhat different than your reading.
I will nip and tuck and repost. Onward!
-Anita
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Okay.. found your V.3 and my notes are up there under it. 🙂
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Hi Antonio,
thank you for your feedback . I just posted V2.Some comments
great opening hook
Wonder if this can somehow be one sentence?
But because she’s not an MMA fighter, she needs to learn… FAST!
Parisa is a dancer, a cheerleader who blames herself for her sister’s death. She cannot afford to lose another loved one.
something like:
Parisa blames herself for her sister’s death. She cannot afford to lose another loved one. She’s is a dancer, a cheerleader, but not an MMA fighter, she needs to learn… FAST!
and this could be shorter? – less detail..cut to the key
Her uncle, an underground MMA manager, believes that: “you fight the way you dance.” He asks some mysterious latin and salsa instructors to exploit her dancing skills and make her a Chinese wrestling and Brazil Capoeira fighter in no time.
I like the last bit about to whom it would appeal.. even if not asked to do that.
Its is so much easier (at least for me) to edit other peoples. With mine I get stuck in a whirlpool.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Kate Hawkes.
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Thanks, Kate! I posted version 5 underneath.
I know what you’re talking about the whirlpool. Welcome to the club!
I sent you some notes by email this morning, but after my recent breakthrough, I think I can return to your newest version and add (or in the name of brevity, take away? 😅) something.
Mil millones de gracias! 😊
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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ANITA’S QUERY LETTER, VERSION TWO
A Query to Social Advocate Film Producers:
Ripped from today’s headlines: “Unable to access an abortion a woman abandons her baby at birth”. LIFE CHOICES follows that woman’s journey into her future when she learns that the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, leading her on a gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted.
SYNOPSIS: Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. He is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws but wants her to have one anyway. Danica flees to another state but because of religious convictions cannot go through with the abortion. She nearly dies in childbirth and ultimately abandons her baby at a ‘safe haven’. Cyrus does not know the child – a daughter, Harley – exists and continues to climb the judicial ladder with his seemingly perfect family by his side. Ultimately he’s appointed as a powerful Circuit Court Judge.
During this time, biological daughter Harley (adopted out as an infant) grows into a brilliant but cruel and psychologically damaged young woman who secures a job at a genetics lab where database access allows her to stalk and discover both her biological parents’ identities and their health needs and histories. Here Harley plots to save her mother.
Danica’s difficulty in accessing her own reproductive health care has defined her as a fierce choice advocate. She climbs the ladder of success and as a partner in a prestigious law firm is assigned to argue against anti-abortion laws for her state – the biggest case of her career. Danica’s doctor informs her she needs a kidney transplant due to acute kidney disease. Concurrently Danica learns it is Judge Cyrus Kilner before whom she must present her legal arguments. The stress causes a physical and emotional breakdown that triggers an eminent need for a kidney transplant, leading Danica to search out and find her once abandoned but now-grown daughter.
Harley agrees to meet her mother Danica – but on the way orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney. Danica awakens in the hospital. Harley arrives and indicates she was the one who killed Cyrus. TWIST: Cyrus, who was only injured, shows up and explains that he actually arranged for Danica to get an anonymous kidney from the UNOS transplant list. He arrives with the police who arrest Harley.
BIO: As a mother of three daughters, who has also experienced two miscarriages, I (like millions of women) feel passionately about the topic of reproductive rights. I am an optioned screenwriter who has experience working with producers. I have written eight feature film screenplays, two of which have won Finalist and Best Screenplay recognition in three different festivals. My stories span various genres but all have strong female leads. My various film credits can be found here on IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2874540/?ref_=nv_sr_3?ref_=nv_sr_3
If this story resonates with you, I’d be delighted to send you the script.
CONTACT: Name, email, phone number
Very Best Regards,
Anita Gomez
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Hi Anita,
I just went through the required 3-hook format from this class and applied it to your query letter. You may still want to reduce the word count, but hey, hope it helps!
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A woman abandons her baby at birth, but when the child is her best hope for a life-saving transplant, she goes on a gut-wrenching search for a daughter she never wanted.
Lawyer Danica and her boss Cyrus have an extramarital affair resulting in an unwanted pregnancy. Cyrus is a political conservative who helped write their state’s anti-abortion laws, but wants Danica to have one anyway.
Harley, Danica’s daughter, grows into a brilliant but cruel, mentally damaged, VENGEFUL young woman.
Harley secures a job at a genetics lab where database access allows her to stalk and discover both her biological parents. Here, Harley plots to save her mother. She orchestrates a hit and run to kill Cyrus – so Danica can get his kidney.
When Danica post-transplant awakens in the hospital and Harley confesses her crime, the door opens… It is Cyrus. He was only injured. Now, he brings the most unexpected ending to the story.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by
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Day 10 – Exchange Critiques on Query Letters – Assignment
Mike O – Query Letter Draft 1 (Version 2)
What I learned doing this assignment is the importance of objective third party input and the importance of revision.
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Query Letter – Version Two
A sheltered painter who clings to childhood memories of her estranged father for artistic inspiration, Brooklyn receives a Christmas card from him. Suddenly, her ghost has a home address!
Hope springs eternal for Brooklyn. Unfortunately, instead of an olive branch, it turns out to be her father’s last correspondence as she receives a certified letter later that evening informing Brooklyn of his passing.
Talked down off the cliff by Carolyn, her surrogate mother and agent, Brooklyn agrees to travel cross-country to be her father’s executor. With a litany of upbeat aphorisms, Carolyn sends Brooklyn off prognosticating how ‘love finds a way.’
At her father’s cabin, Brooklyn discovers ‘lies’ is another four-letter word that begins with ‘L’ when she finds a shoe box filled with letters addressed to her. Written across each one, the words: ‘return to sender’ in her mother’s handwriting.
For the second time in as many days, Brooklyn’s world is flipped on its head.
And moments after the revelation, Brooklyn finds love standing on her dad’s porch in the form of a man with his two, small sons: in for the holidays, unaware of her father’s death.
Chemistry and companionship ensue. Brooklyn visits her father’s grave and lays to rest his ghost – literally and figuratively.
The windy-city lie Brooklyn has been living is not one she can return to. Opting to stay and fight for her father’s legacy, for the love she has found, Brooklyn outsmarts her father’s sociopathic employee who believes the art gallery is his.
Carolyn’s prediction and Brooklyn’s happy-ever-after become reality as a widower and an twenty-something orphan begin Christmas day as a family.
I obtained my MFA from the University of New Mexico’s Creative Writing program working under Tony Hillerman and Rudy Anaya. I have screenplays that are semi-finalists in several contests and I worked with Cynthia Whitcomb, former professor, UCLA Film School, who has sold more than 70 feature-length screenplays, 25 of which have been filmed. In her words, “It’s time to market your work. It’s ready and so are you.”
Mr. XXX, Would you be willing to read the first ten pages? If you’re not “hooked” please toss the script. In one week, I’ll follow up this request with a phone call.
Sincerely,
Michael O’Keefe
cell: 505-270-7525
email: michael.okeefe2123@gmail.com
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What I learned during this assignment is, I tried to put story info into it, and then I recognised what hooks really are. Something was wrong in the middle of synopsis, and I added ‘explanation’. I don’t know if that is ok. I’ve got no credit, but that is as well fine, as I might get some prior I really start marketting. I tend to be a bit too specific, but such is the nature of things! Over all, I learned tremendous amount of information. I can’t help recalling how every time yesterday if I attempted Query Letter, I was permitted by sensation of how this is just awfull, boring, lugging row of gross sentences! Never again! I’m so, so much gratefull! It’s not ideal, and I feel there is something not so correct with it, but this is not cumbersome writing I would ‘compose’ yestarday, and it was deep pleasure finding these sentences writing it in this format Hal gives!
Dear Mr. Producer, etc.
I’m turning to you with my original ski fi screenplay
-What is your address?
-Quiet Street! Small House!
Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth Count, popular with nano-death at which skull and body “separate” in geometric 3D grid.
PROFESSOR tries to stay human inside techno society, supported by his sensitive girlfriend KIAT. But, Kiat gets missing without a trace right after spent offshore weekend.
Professor accidentally runs on ANAUPSH here and there, but has no clue she is behind missing cases. Inside her Incubator at Research Institute, she hides monster, composed from bodily parts of her victims.
Let to float, monsters get destroyed by Helicopter Dispatch. Artificial bio-modules for MIROPOLIS are same as AI for Earth – constant fear.
JUDGE has no mistake at what monster his sister is, and plays his own game.
After his vision, ZONES for outcastes are Created.
70 years later… LENA, born inside, Escapes Reservation. Would she Survive traumatized experience of Zone?
Would Zones continue, if to pick up at qualified is an impossible task, as WARDS are prohibited to use weapon on civilians?
MIROPOLIS. SEPARATION is #1 of planned series of four full feature movie scripts.
Would you like to read first ten pages of it?
If you would like my writing and are about large project with quality ski-fi I would be happy to send you my screenplay and treatment!
Sincerely,
Alice Eden
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I feel like I had a breakthrough into the required 3-hook format. High-fives to Cam, Dev, and Kate!
Dear Film Producer,
To save the man she loves, Parisa must fight in a deadly MMA tournament
Parisa is a dancer, a cheerleader who blames herself for the death of her sister. She cannot afford to lose another loved one. The strange disappearance of her boyfriend catapults her into the world of underground fighting to rescue him.
But wait! She’s not an MMA fighter; she’s a dancer! So she needs to learn… FAST!
She’s skeptical about the idea: “you fight the way you dance,” but thanks to some mysterious latin, salsa instructors, she grasps Chinese wrestling and Brazil Capoeira.
Bad news: the final showdown is planned to happen on a scaffold, 100 feet above the ground. Will Parisa be able to overcome her fear of heights, win the fight and rescue her boyfriend?
If you like the concept of GIRL IN THE FIGHTING CAGE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Bio: Antonio Flores, a former journalist, is the first non-Chinese Wushu (Martial Arts) coach graduated from a Chinese university in 1991. Antonio taught Wushu in Beijing, China for more than 20 years.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Antonio Flores.
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