Day 10 Assignments

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 10

Subject line: Alan’s Meaningful Action

What I learned doing this assignment is…Meaningful Action strengthens scenes and these last few classes have really improved my screenplay. Thank you.

Post that Easy Rewritten scene to the forums.

MEANINGFUL ACTION CHANGE #1

BEFORE:

INT. RURAL BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Spartan. Cracked linoleum floor. An old poster of the Denver skyline hangs on the wall. Madison studies it, then steps up to ambivalent CLERK (70), at the counter.

MADISON

How much for a ticket to Denver?

CLERK

A hundred eighty-nine dollars.

Madison freaks, swallows, then takes out all of her money and lays it on the counter. Clerk hands her a ticket and $11. Madison cringes and shakes her head.

AFTER:

INT. RURAL BUS TERMINAL – DAY

Spartan. Cracked linoleum floor. An old poster of the Denver skyline hangs on the wall. Madison studies it, then steps up to ambivalent CLERK (70), at the counter.

MADISON

How much for a ticket to Denver?

CLERK

A hundred eighty-nine dollars.

Madison freaks. She takes all the money out of a billfold and lays it on the counter. She holds open the now empty billfold and cringes at it. Clerk hands her a ticket and $11.

MEANINGFUL ACTION CHANGE #2

BEFORE:

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

Sitting at a dark corner table, Jay nervously twists his silver wedding ring. A young woman giggles.

AFTER:

INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT

Sitting at a dark corner table, Jay nervously twists off and on his silver wedding ring. A young woman giggles.

[Erica Miner]

Subject line: Alan’s Meaningful Action

Hi Alan,

I liked Change #1. It really heightened Madison’s desperation, with the empty billfold. #2 was less clear to me. Knowing more precisely where the Young Woman is sitting in relation to Jay would make the action clearer.

Keep going!

[Erica Miner]

Erica’s Meaningful Action

What I learned doing this assignment is…Meaningful Action is more subtle than it may seem at first. This took a lot of thought.

**INT. RESTAURANT/BAR

[Deepest meaning: Julia has multiple conflicting emotions. She is terrified that Sidney is in danger of becoming a murder suspect. Seeing the news of Abel’s murder on the TV screen makes it undeniably real to her. Then she feels tremendous guilt when she realizes the glint of metal she saw coming from high up in the Viewing Room may have been from the rile that killed Abel, even though there was nothing she could have done.]

ORIGINAL:

A Musicians’ hangout. Opera memorabilia on the walls, musical instruments hanging from the ceiling. A violin-shaped wall clock hanging next to a TV shows 2 a.m.

Julia and Sidney hunch over filled glasses. She fidgets with the zipper on her violin case, standing on its end next to her.

SIDNEY
Will you stop worrying, kid? I’m not a suspect.

JULIA
But I heard you arguing with Abel.

SIDNEY
What if I was? You of all people should know I would never hurt him. Jeez, kid, I thought we trusted each other.

JULIA
Yes, we do, but I saw you argue —

SIDNEY
So we argued. We have a history. But I couldn’t shoot a rifle if God handed it to me.

TV NEWSCASTER (O.S)
Tragic opening night at the Metropolitan Opera…

Julia’s distress escalates when she looks up at the TV and sees the Newscaster positioned in front of the Met.

JULIA
Oh, my God.

TV NEWSCASTER (O.S)
Maestro Abel Trudeau, the Met’s esteemed Musical Director, was gunned down…

Julia turns away from the TV. Suddenly her face pales.

SIDNEY
What is it, Julia?

JULIA
When we were playing, I saw something! Coming from the direction of the Viewing Room!

SIDNEY
I don’t understand. What’re you talking about?

JULIA
During the last act, while you were out of the pit, I looked up toward the Viewing Room and saw… I don’t know, a flash, like metal. Oh, God what if it was… a rifle!

She breaks down, sobbing.

JULIA (CONT’D)
That must be why Abel gave me the song —

SIDNEY
What song? Julia, you’re not making any sense.

JULIA
He was so nervous. He told me if something ever happened to him —

SIDNEY
He…what?

<u style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>CHANGE:

A Musicians’ hangout. Opera memorabilia on the walls, musical instruments hanging from the ceiling. A violin-shaped wall clock hanging next to a TV shows 2 a.m.

Julia and Sidney hunch over filled glasses. She fidgets with the zipper on her violin case, standing on its end next to her.

SIDNEY
Will you stop worrying, kid?

JULIA
I heard you arguing with Abel.

SIDNEY
What if I was? It doesn’t make me a suspect. You of all people should know I would never hurt him.

JULIA

That obnoxious cop doesn’t know that.

SIDNEY

Jeez, kid, I thought we trusted each other.

JULIA
Of course we do, but —

SIDNEY
Abel and I argued. We have a history. But I couldn’t shoot a rifle if God handed it to me. Dammit, Julia!

Sidney slams his fist on the bar. Julia jumps, startled. She slides off the bar stool, grabs her violin case and starts to walk away. Sidney gently grabs her arm.

SIDNEY
I’m sorry, kid. That was uncalled for.

TV NEWSCASTER (O.S)
Tragic opening night at the Metropolitan Opera…

Julia looks up at the TV, sees the Newscaster positioned in front of the Met. She sinks back onto the bar stool, distraught.

TV NEWSCASTER (O.S)
Maestro Abel Trudeau, the Met’s esteemed Musical Director, was gunned down…

Suddenly Julia’s face pales.

JULIA
Oh, my God.

SIDNEY
What is it, Julia?

JULIA
During the last act, while you were out of the pit, I saw something. Coming from the direction of the Viewing Room!

SIDNEY
I don’t understand. What’re you talking about?

JULIA
I looked up and saw…a flash, like metal. Oh, God what if it was…a rifle!

She breaks down, sobbing.

JULIA (CONT’D)
That must be why Abel gave me the song before the performance —

SIDNEY
What song? Julia, you’re not making any sense.

JULIA
He was so nervous. He told me if something ever happened to him –

SIDNEY
He…what?

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 10 – Critique of Erica’s Meaningful Action

Hi, Erica,

I think the fist slamming and arm grabbing certainly added Meaningful Action to the scene. If you can do this same type of Meaningful Action additions to all of your other talking heads scenes, you’re going to greatly strengthen your screenplay.

Keep up the great work,

– alan

[Erica Miner]

Hi Alan,

Thank you, this is good to know. This particular technique takes a lot of thought, and I honestly wasn’t sure I was getting it right. Since posting this scene, I’ve been going through and doing the same to other scenes. Turns out I have more T.H. scenes than I thought!

E

p.s. and most of them are in Act Two!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Erica Miner.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S MEANINGFUL ACTION

What I learned doing this assignment is putting people in motion means that much less dialogue to get their personality across.

BEFORE:

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – CLOSET – NIGHT

The walk-in space is full of neatly hung garments on three rails forming a horseshoe of convenience.

In the corner, behind the clothes, Rosemary cowers, barely breathing. One hand drops to search the floor behind her.

Furniture scrapes O.S. Drawers bang shut. Footsteps close.

Rosemary’s fingers find purchase on something.

She settles back on her heels, brings up a nightstick.

COLIN (V.O.)

Wait, what? In the closet with a riot stick?

The scene freezes.

INT. ADVERTISING CO. – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

The private office is clean and airy. Trophies and plaques share a bookshelf with professional volumes.

COLIN (50s), thick but not fat, with an Alec Baldwin panache, frowns at an outsized monitor and the frozen robbery image.

ON MONITOR – Rosemary huddled behind the night stick.

He casts a look over the top of the screen.

MONICA CASSIDY (32), hair pulled into a neat pony tail, dressed for success, swings a riot stick with competence.

MONICA

It’s an awesome weapon. A ninety-five pound grandma can do damage even if she misses her mark.

COLIN

No.

MONICA

Baseball bat?

COLIN

That works. I worry about you, Mo.

She crosses to the desk to correct her computer screen with a stylus, still twirling the riot stick.

On Colin’s monitor, a wooden bat replaces the nightstick.

Lying next to the keyboard, Monica’s cell phone erupts with the JAWS theme music. Caller ID says MOM. She ignores it.

MONICA

Wish I was making it up. This was last week, minus the actual break-in. Moving on?

Colin flicks an eye at the phone. Monica shakes her head, taps the call off. Colin sighs, indicates the mock-up.

MONICA (CONT’D)

But with All Eyes Security, your home is now a fortress.

MONITOR – The action resumes with an intact kitchen door. The shadowy figure readies to strike. LIGHTS blaze on. In the next instant, COPS arrest the would-be thief. A security camera records his face.

MONICA (CONT’D)

And Mom can rest easy knowing that she’s protected twenty-four seven.

MONITOR – The scene freezes on Rosemary in a rocker knitting.

Monica looks to Colin.

COLIN

Lose the rocker. The tag is weak. We can use the rest.

He leaves the monitor.

COLIN (CONT’D)

She actually has a riot stick?

MONICA

Oh yeah. I remember the day Dad brought it home, as a birthday present. She chased us kids around the house for hours.

She sits back in her chair, wistful and bitter.

MONICA (CONT’D)

That’s when I realized how sick she was. I didn’t want to be that scared of life or of her. So I took psychology and here I am.

COLIN

Making other people afraid so they patronize our clients. Slick.

Monica saves her program work. The JAWS theme sounds again. Colin frowns at the phone.

MONICA

It isn’t a day unless there’s a crisis before ten. It’s the diabetes meds. She’s convinced everyone’s out to poison her.

COLIN

Diabetes is tough. You spend your whole life eating anything you want and suddenly you can’t even look at sugar. Give the diva my love.

AFTER:

INT. MANSION – CLOSET – NIGHT

The walk-in space is full of neatly hung garments on three rails forming a horseshoe of convenience.

In the dark, behind the clothes, MOM ROSEMARY CASSIDY (72), delicate and barely breathing, huddles in a dressing gown.

Furniture scrapes O.S. Drawers bang shut. Footsteps close.

Rosemary’s hand drops to search the floor behind her. Fingers find purchase. She brings up a nightstick ready to poke.

COLIN (V.O.)

Wait, what? In the closet with a riot stick?

The scene freezes.

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Behind the wheel, MONICA CASSIDY (32) weaves with controlled urgency in and out of moderate traffic. The set of her jaw would warn anyone that to cut her off is a death wish.

A quick down shift and last second turn puts her off the main road and into a high class residential street. There’s steel behind her casually perfect make-up.

MONICA

It’s a great weapon for a ninety-seven pound grandma. I can make it a baseball bat.

COLIN (V.O.)

That works. I worry about you, Mo.

MONICA

Please. Mom has a collection. Just last week she beat a tumbleweed trash bag to death.

Houses drift further apart behind wide lawns and fancy fences. Monica slows, leaning in over the wheel.

MONICA (CONT’D)

Oh my God.

COLIN (V.O.)

What?

Her speed drops to a crawl.

HER POV – Two cop cars, fire trucks and EMT bus wait just outside a gate, lights flashing.

MONICA

The Fifth Cavalry is here. Got’ta go.

COLIN (V.O.)

Give the diva my love.