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Day 11 Assignment
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Jean’s Has Great Dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is that there is always room for improvement. Going through all the dialogue with the purpose of elevating it really made a difference in the quality of the script. I found areas where the character voice wasn’t clear and areas where the speech was boring or cliché and I was able to change them up. Some were simple fixes, others, I had to work harder at. Overall, it is an exercise I’m am going to use on all my scripts from now on.
Here are some examples:
In this scene, Tanner disagrees with Lazarus’ methods. The reader is aware to some degree by this point that Vault Agency must be time travelers, but it hasn’t been shown how or why or even spoken of in absolute clarity. It’s a matter of not revealing too soon in the pilot. The dialogue in this scene dances around the subject although Tanner and Lazarus know exactly what they’re saying and why.
Tanner wants Lazarus to tell Sharra the truth about the Agency. Here is where the next line comes in.
VERSION 1:
Lazarus: And what truth would that be, Tanner? Or better yet, you do it and see if your way is better.
For the second version, I’ve added the tattoo which is very significant though the reader and Sharra don’t know it yet. The tattoo sums up the whole show, the Agency, and what they do. I changed Lazarus’ dialogue to sound cultured British, counter-attack, subtext, ironic dialogue.
VERSION 2:
Lazarus: And what truth would that be, Tanner? Where would you like me to start? (pointing to his tattoo) With this? And what it means to bear it? If you think you can do better, then, by all means, go ahead.
This is a critical scene where Sharra is supposed to meet her coworker who is getting her out of the city. But she is confronted first by her mugger who is secretly hired by her coworker for reasons we don’t know yet, and then, her boss who has been embezzling millions and he’s there to stop Sharra. We pick up with Conway, the mugger. He has Sharra alone in the warehouse:
VERSION 1:
INT. WAREHOUSE – DAY
Sharra: Jaden? Jaden?
Conway: He’s not here. Where’s your bodyguard? I was promised he’d be here.
Sharra: I sent him away.
Conway: Why’d you do that? Aw, you have a thing for him. How adorable. No matter, I’ll find him after I deliver you.
Sharra: Deliver me? What am I, a package?
Conway: I’ll say hello for you.
VERSION 2:
I used the following dialogue skills to create more tension: interrupting each other, incomplete sentences, speak through character profiles, setup, anticipatory dialogue, subtext/
Sharra: Jaden? Jaden?
Conway: Hello, sweetheart.
Sharra: You. How did you…You followed me. Where’s Jaden? You better not have—
Conway: –Your bodyguard? Looks like he stood you up.
Sharra: He’s not my –
Conway: I’m gonna find him and kill him right after I deliver you.
Sharra: No. It’s me you want. He has nothing to do with it.
Conway: My face says otherwise. I’ll say hello for you.
This is the last scene of the pilot. Sharra has nowhere to go. She chooses to trust Lazarus and takes his offer to join the agency. Lazarus has been careful to feed Sharra just enough information to sound legit, but no real details. One of those statements is in the initial interview where Lazarus tells Sharra that she would have to relocate but doesn’t say where. Now she wants to know.
INT. EXECUTIVE SUITE – DAY
VERSION 1:
Sharra: Where exactly is your company located?
That’s pretty on the nose. I thought I could do better and thought what would Sharra say as her character? She needs to leave NYC. Jaden had offered her a job in Chicago. So, firstly, she’d think out of state. Though the second version seems simple, Lazarus’ reaction speaks volumes. Vault Agency isn’t in any of those places. So where is it? Subtext.
VERSION 2:
Sharra: Where are we going? Out of state? Canada? (off Lazarus’ look) Europe?
<div>This scene is from the pilot. I left it to do last because it’s the most important scene to get right. We are introduced to Tanner who is there to save a teenage Ben Franklin from certain death from two ruffians.
</div><div>VERSION 1:
Ben: Please, I carry nothing of value.
Jeb: We’ll see about that.
Billy: Worthless bunch of nothin’.
Ben: Please, let me go.
Jeb: I should just end you. You’re not worth a thing to nobody.
Tanner: He’s a national treasure, dimwit.
The first version felt clunky and the dialogue was cliché. Jeb and Billy aren’t the smartest, and I needed to fix their dialogue to correct that. Also, I needed to stay true to character, especially Ben, who is a teenager. These are the techniques I used: character profile, setup and payoff(later in the action/dialogue), ironic dialogue(all the drawings that Billy calls worthless are inventions that we use today, very valuable) also part of the subtext which is revealed when Tanner helps Ben pick up the papers and we see the diagrams/
VERSION 2:
Ben: Please, sir, don’t harm me.
Jeb: Whatcha got there?
Billy: Worthless bunch of nothin’.
Ben: Please, let me go.
Jeb: You hearin’ him, Billy?(mimics Ben)“Please, sir, don’t harm me.” Chicken scratchin’. All high and mighty in them scrawny britches. You ain’t nobody.
Tanner: You’re dead wrong, dimwits; he’s a national treasure.
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Janeen Has Great Dialogue!
What I learned doing this assignment is most of my changes have been to show more character or add subtext.
When Molly refuses to go to a wedding reception with him because it would feel like she’s cheating on her boyfriend who would never cheat on her, Jim responds: <div>
BEFORE: He wouldn’t, would he. (pause) I’ll see you Saturday, Molls, unless you decide to hit another boulder before then.
AFTER: (more subtext) He wouldn’t, would he. (pause) I’ll see you Saturday, Molls, unless you decide to hit another boulder before then. I’m always available for mower repair.
The revised one implies his motive/would more. That he’s always there for Molly no matter what she needs while pointing out that Mike isn’t since he’s off at college.
2. This line didn’t imply the that night was particularly important to Jared (he was planning to propose although that is not stated until later.)
1. BEFORE: So after we’ve been planning to go to this party for a month, now you’re backing out?
2. AFTER: So after we’ve been planning for tonight for a month, you’re backing out?
The revised version shows his wound a bit better. It’s not that much better, but let’s her know it was a plan for “tonight”, not for a party.
3. LILY, a ten year old newly orphaned girl to her new guardian:
1. BEFORE: It means we’ll get to shop together and she’ll fix my hair.
2. AFTER: It means we’ll get to do everything together.
The revised version reflects Lily’s character better. By the end of the series, Lily is the farmer, not her twin brother. She’s interested in doing everything together with her guardian, not just girly things — and she probably doesn’t even think about girly things since farm kids are more likely to spend fun time with parents (male and female) doing farm related tasks than hurried shopping trips.
4. Randi is quietly chastising Cara for wanting to take her new charges back to LA.
1. BEFORE: I’m sure they’ll be asleep in no time. It’s been a long day for them, saying goodbye to their mother and father.
2. AFTER: I’m sure they’ll be asleep in no time. It’s been a long day for them, saying goodbye to their mother and father. It’s been a long day for all of us.
The revised version contains more subtext to chastise Cara that the kids just buried their parents and Cara may have lost her best friend and the man who was the love of her life, but “all of us” — meaning Randi too, lost a lot — her brother and his wife. It is an attempt to shut down Cara’s talk about LA, but doesn’t work.
5. Jared is angry that Cara is choosing the kids and farm over him. He’s pointing out how illogical it is for her to choose the farm over her LA practice.
1. BEFORE: Now, just a few days later, you’d ditch your practice for a couple of months at a time, a couple of times a year for people I’ve never even met?
2. AFTER: They you ditched me anyway. And now, just a few days later, you’d ditch your practice for a couple of months at a time, a couple of times a year for people I’ve never even met?
The revised version shows more of Jared’s wound (that Cara chooses work and now the farm, over him).
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She tugs the bag out from under the bed, opens to expose a revolver and a small cardboard box containing three bullets.
The door opens. Paige looks puzzled.
PAIGE
What are you doing on the floor?
Marta quickly pushes the bag back under the bed and holds the gun behind her back.
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