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Day 11 Assignment
Reply to post your assignments.
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11 Replies
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Mary’s Elevated Scene Structures.
What I learned from doing this assignment is even changes to the scenes that seem relatively small, can have a big impact. I used aspects of 3 devices in the scene. It also made me really consider the purpose of the scene in a way I hadn’t before. I’m still considering if this is the best place to reveal that Lydia thinks Hannah is a spy, but we’ll keep this for now. On to some more scenes.
From your script, select a scene that would benefit from a more
compelling scene structure. Place it at the top of the page, then
do the rest of the items below in order.Original scene:
EXT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S BOAT – CONTINUOUS
Lydia stops in front of Captain Collett’s tattered schooner.
LYDIA
Captain Collett!
Nothing. She boards. Captain Collett emerges, smoking a clay pipe. RUSTY THE PARROT perches on his shoulder.
LYDIA
Good day Captain Collett.
He squints at them and smiles as he recognizes Lydia.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
M’ladies.
He makes a gallant bow. RUSTY flutters up and resettles himself.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Isn’t this the girl who tried to bewitch Mistress Pemberton?
LYDIA
She claims to be kin.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
(chuckling)
That must have given Prissa quite a start. Oh…her face when you said you were from the future.
Lydia shoots Hannah a quizzical glance.
HANNAH
I wanted her to leave me alone.
Collett puffs his pipe.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Family likeness. You could be sisters.
RUSTY THE PARROT
AWK! Could be sisters.
LYDIA AND HANNAH
We’re not.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
If you lovlies are not here to cast a spell on me, what is your pleasure?
LYDIA
We’ve come to fetch Aunt Molly’s spices.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Ah, cinnamon and nutmeg. I can smell the pies now.
Collett eyes the tart in Lydia’s hand.
LYDIA
Oh. Aunt Molly sends a tart.
He takes a big whiff of the tart and takes a bite that demolishes half of it.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Now this is enchanting.
The parrot pecks at the tart. Another bite from Collett. Hannah winces at the germ filled scene.
LYDIA
Captain Collett, rebels broke our windows. They ruined our pies.
She casts an accusing look at Hannah.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Tarnation! I’ll call my men. We’ll string em up by their.. Did you get a good look at em?
HANNAH
(to Collett)
No. Some boys.
HANNAH
(to Lydia)
I chased after them. I didn’t want them to break your windows.
LYDIA
Thee made thy sentiments plain.
Just then CALEB OAFFLEY a strapping burley man, approaches the sloop in his wagon. Collett sees him.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Girls. Inside. Step lively.
LYDIA
We best be going.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Now!
He hustles them into his cabin just as Oaffley comes aboard.
INT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S CABIN – CONTINUOUS
Lydia and Hannah recover their balance.
HANNAH
Ooh, it’s gross in here. I thought everyone was celebrating. I didn’t know…
LYDIA
Shh.
She puts her finger to her lips and they both spy out the porthole.
EXT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S SHIP – CONTINUOUS
Oaffley boards. Collett lifts a tarp to reveal crates of spices.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Best spices in the colonies.
CALEB OAFLEY
You got my sleeping powder.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Yes of course, it’s right here. White powder. As you asked. No ordinary poppy tears.
CALEB OAFLEY
Let the rebels have the day. We’ll be drinking the king’s health tonight.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
That so?
CALEB OAFLEY
We’re looking for loyal captains … for a special cargo.
Captain Collett and Caleb Oafley move out of earshot.
INT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S CABIN – CONTINUOUS
HANNAH
So the rebels and patriots are the same?
LYDIA
Why dost though feign ignorance?
HANNAH
That man is in on the kidnapping plot.
LYDIA
And you are a pretender. Not to be trusted.
Hannah finally listens to Lydia and stops short.
HANNAH
I…I am not.
Lydia raises her hand for quiet as the men approach.
EXT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S SHIP – CONTINUOUS
Oafley and Collett stand over the spices.
CALEB OAFLEY
This will be just the right medicine when I get through with it.
INT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S CABIN – CONTINUOUS
Hannah stifles a gasp.
HANNAH
What’s he doing?
Hannah strains to look out the peep hole.
EXT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S SHIP – MOMENTS LATER
Caleb Oafley leaves. Collett opens the door and the girls come out.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Dirty business he’s in.
RUSTY THE PARROT
Dirty business. AWK.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Quiet!
Collett cuffs the parrot making him flutter up to a safer perch.
HANNAH
What kind of..?
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Not for youngens to bother with.
(he relights his pipe)
Take heed today. There’s mischief afoot.
RUSTY THE PARROT
Awk. Mischief afoot.
Hannah gives Lydia an “aren’t you going to say anything?” Look as Oafley’s wagon rolls down the street. Lydia ignores her.
2.List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.
Purpose: Lydia and Hannah are sent to get spices from Captain Collett. Caleb Oafley (bad guy) approaches Collett to buy sleeping drugs as part of the plot to drug congress and kidnap them. Lydia becomes more suspicious of Hannah’s rebel tendencies. Hannah hides she is from the future while looking for more evidence of a plot. Lydia looks for evidence of who Hannah is.
3.Imagine the scene being played out through each of the 11 scene
structures listed above and write out the three best ones, like I did in
the example above.I landed on
1)a surprise/twist – Lydia accuses Hannah of being a spy when Hannah thinks she has figured out she’s from the future.
2)Competitive agendas – Hannah is trying to figure out who is plotting to kidnap congress while Lydia is trying to figure out who Hannah is.
3)Crucible – the two girls are closed up in a cabin.
and used aspects of all three.
EXT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S BOAT – CONTINUOUS
Lydia stops in front of Captain Collett’s tattered schooner.
LYDIA
Captain Collett!
Nothing. She boards. Captain Collett emerges, smoking a clay pipe. RUSTY THE PARROT perches on his shoulder.
LYDIA
Good day Captain Collett.
He gives them a stern look until he recognizes Lydia.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
M’ladies. Come aboard.
Collet makes a creaky gallant bow. RUSTY flutters up and resettles himself. Lydia curtsies and greets Rusty. Hannah, nervous, follows her aboard.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Isn’t this the girl who tried to bewitch Mistress Pemberton?
LYDIA
She claims to be kin.
HANNAH
I’m Hannah.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Hannah.
Collet gallantly bows and kisses Hannah’s hand. Hannah pulls back when Rusty bobs his head at her.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
(chuckling)
Rusty won’t hurt you. You gave Mistress Prissa quite a start. You don’t look like a demon.
Lydia stifles a laugh.
HANNAH
Yeah. Good joke, huh?
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Oh…her face when you said you were from the future.
Lydia shoots Hannah a quizzical glance.
HANNAH
I wanted her to leave me alone.
Collett puffs his pipe and takes a long look at Hannah and Lydia.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Family likeness. You could be sisters.
RUSTY THE PARROT
AWK! Could be sisters.
LYDIA AND HANNAH
We’re not.
The two girls cautiously regard each other.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
If you’re not here to cast a spell on me, what is your pleasure?
LYDIA
We’ve come to fetch nutmeg and cinnamon for Aunt Molly.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Ah, I can smell the pies now.
Collett eyes the tart in Lydia’s hand.
LYDIA
Oh. Yes. Aunt Molly sends a tart.
He takes a big whiff and a bite that demolishes half of it.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Now this is enchanting.
Rusty pecks at the tart. Hannah winces at the germ filled scene.
LYDIA
Captain Collett, rebels smashed our windows. They ruined our pies.
She casts an accusing look at Hannah.
HANNAH
I chased them away.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Tarnation! I’ll call my men. We’ll string em up by their.. Did you get a good look at em?
LYDIA
Older boys. American soldiers most likely.
HANNAH
We don’t know that…
Just then CALEB OAFLEY a strapping burley man, approaches the sloop in his wagon. Collett sees him.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Girls. Inside. Step lively.
LYDIA
We best be going.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Now!
He hustles them into his cabin just as Oaffley comes aboard.
INT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S CABIN – CONTINUOUS
As the darkness lightens Lydia composes herself. Hannah jumps around the cabin to get a view of Oafley and Collett.
HANNAH
Why’d he hide us? Who is that guy? I mean man.
LYDIA
(whispering)
Shh. Caleb Oafley. Rough sort. Captain Collett is not like them. He watches out for us.
Hannah bounds from peep hole to peep hole. The boat shakes.
HANNAH
That Caleb Oafley looks suspicious.
LYDIA
Stop rocking the boat!
They jostle each other to look out the porthole.
EXT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S SHIP – CONTINUOUS
The boat sways. Collett gestures to the girls for stillness. He lifts a tarp to reveal crates of spices to Oafley.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Best spices in the colonies.
CALEB OAFLEY
Here for the sleeping powder.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Right here. White powder. As you asked. No ordinary poppy tears.
CALEB OAFLEY
Let the rebels have the day. We’ll be drinking the king’s health tonight.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
That so?
Captain Collett and Caleb Oafley move out of earshot.
INT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S CABIN – CONTINUOUS
HANNAH
He’s got to be in on the plot against the patriots.
LYDIA
Rebels.
HANNAH
Whatever.
LYDIA
Why dost though feign ignorance? I know who you really are. I know why you’re here.
Hannah stops short. Has she been found out?
HANNAH
I…I didn’t mean to come back in…I mean come here. One minute I was in all this traffic outside City Tavern. Then it was like one of those makeover shows. Craziest 4th of July I’ve ever seen.
Lydia is mystified.
LYDIA
I know you’re a spy! A rebel spy trying to take our business.
Hannah is speechless.
EXT. CAPTAIN COLLETT’S SHIP – CONTINUOUS
Oafley and Collett stand over the spices.
CALEB OAFLEY
This will be just the right medicine.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
It will put you out. Even in the worst storms.
CALEB OAFLEY
It’s not for the likes of me.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Take care with that. Remember what I told you
Caleb Oafley leaves. Collett opens the door and motions the girls out. Still agitated, they jostle each other.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Dirty business he’s in.
RUSTY THE PARROT
Dirty business. AWK.
HANNAH
What kind of..?
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Not for youngens to bother with.
(he relights his pipe)
Take heed today. There’s mischief afoot.
RUSTY THE PARROT
Awk. Mischief afoot.
CAPTAIN COLLETT
Quiet!
Collett cuffs the parrot. Rusty flutters into Hannah who knocks into Lydia. Lydia sidesteps and Hannah topples overboard.
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Pam’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned: This exercise is really useful, I’m going to go through my script and make many more improvements.
I originally had the scene set up as a Mislead and Reveal; have switched it to a Superior Position format. Knowing ahead in the scene’s opening that the Killer is pretending to be a volunteer at the senior center, we will be worried during the entire scene (rather than surprised at end).
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TANGLED UP
Genre: Rom-Com/Thriller
Logline: When a top Hollywood hairstylist witnesses a murder, he’s relocated to rural Vermont and works incognito as a dog groomer to evade the dangerous hitman. In his faux world, he meets his soulmate — but can’t tell her who he really is.
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What am I trying to accomplish?
A. Up the stakes of the danger: people in Henri’s life (such as best friend Jared and his Papy) are not safe with the hitman at large.
B. Strike an emotional chord with this reminder of Henri’s plight: Henri promised to attend Movie Night with his Papy — but for his own safety, he can’t be there.
C. Illustrate that Jared is a true and trusted friend; he’s fulfilling Henri’s request to look in on his Papy.
Components/Beats of the Scene– Senior Center residents and their guests file into the center’s theater to watch a classic movie. Henri’s best friend Jared is accompanying his grandfather, Francois.
– A seemingly helpful volunteer works the event.
– The volunteer chats with Jared and Francois, asking “innocent” questions.
– The volunteer is revealed to be hitman Charles MacKay.
– After the movie is over and the residents return to their apartments, Hitman MacKay is able to observe exactly where Francois lives.
– – – – – –
INT. PINES AND PALMS SENIOR HOME – NIGHT
A man walks down the hallway of the senior center, nods to the front desk manager.When he boards the elevator, we get a closer view: it’s hitman Charles MacKay, wearing the Pines-and-Palms-logo rugby shirt with a false name tag. He’s added a pair of trendy glasses to soften his look. MacKay exits the elevator, forcing a smile as he enters the
THEATER
It’s Movie Night at the Center. There’s a good turnout to see the classic black and white Western, WILL OF THE WEST. The room is a mix of bald heads and silver hair. Several helpful volunteers, including Mackay, direct folks to choose their seats.Volunteer (MacKay) brings Jared and Francois a soft drink and bag of popcorn each and sits next to them. He is chatty. He asks Francois if Jared is his grandson, along with a few more questions. Unaware that the cheerful volunteer is a dangerous killer fishing for information, they happily supply information.
Jared is texting, and the volunteer politely tells him that he will hold his phone until the movie is over: “Sorry, no cell phones are allowed.” (Or he secretly takes the phone out of Jared’s pocket during the darkness of the movie. Either way, MacKay scours it for any useful information re: Henri’s whereabouts.)
INTERCUT between senior center and Henri’s apartment. Movie plays simultaneously in both locations.
As the lights come back on, MacKay returns Jared’s phone. The residents file out of the theater down the hallway, returning to their rooms. MacKay watches Jared and Francois, and makes a note of Francois’ apartment number.
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Bob’s’ Elevated Scene Structure
What I learned from this assignment is that most scenes can benefit from another look at scene structure. I will go back and look for other scenes where a structural change can elevate the scene.
The scene chosen for this assignment is:
EXT. – NEW YORK MUSEUM OF MODERN ART (END OF ACT TWO)
Where the wedding party is leaving the museum. Rebecca walks toward Jeff, but Ken confronts him first. Rebecca stops Ken. Jeff apologizes to Rebecca and congratulates her on her marriage.
Scene Components:
A. Jeff, having been informed by Sally that she, not Rebecca, is his soulmate, wanders New York and arrives at the Museum of Modern Art where the wedding party is leaving from rehearsal dinner.
B. Ken confronts Jeff for stalking Rebecca.
C. Rebecca intervenes.
D. Jeff gives up Rebecca and congratulates her on her upcoming wedding.
The scene is trying to show that, regardless of whether or not they are soulmates, Jeff loves Rebecca enough to let her go.
Three possible choices:
· Superior Position: Ken has hired Sally to confuse Jeff about his soulmate. He therefore knows Jeff will give up Rebecca.
· Mislead and Reveal: Jeff professes his love for Rebecca, and it looks like he’s going to fight for her. At the last moment he gives her up.
· Irony: Jeff talks about soulmates and how he believes Rebecca is his soulmate regardless of Sally’s knowledge. He speaks of what soulmates really need to be and because of this, he gives Rebecca up. Her unspoken action shows that she may not want Jeff to be giving her up. She lets Jeff fix her hair that has fallen in front of her face, touches his hand as he does, and lingers for a moment.
The new scene is written with irony.
EXT. NEW YORK MUSEUM OF MODERN ART – NIGHT
Lights are starting to go out in the sections of the museum where therehearsal dinner has just wound up.
Jeff finds himself drawn to the museum.
As Jeff gets close to the entrance, people we know are streaming out andsaying their goodbyes. Among the last ones out are Rebecca and Ken. They areholding hands.
Rebecca is startled to see Jeff. They gaze at each other for a moment. Shelets go of Ken’s hand and walks toward Jeff.
<b align=”center”>KEN
Rebecca…
(louder)
Rebecca
Rebecca turns toward Ken.
KEN (CONT’D)
Is that? Is that the gay dancer?
REBECCA
Yes. It’s the dancer.
Rebecca turns back to Jeff. A light snow starts falling.
KEN
Hey. Why are you following my fiancée?
Gwen comes up next to Ken.
GWEN
I told you he was a stalker. It’s a good thing you’re here with us.
REBECCA
He’s not a stalker.
(a beat)
Why are you following his fiancée?
JEFF
I didn’t know you’d be here, but I did want to seeyou desperately and I ended up here.
Ken moves forward with the SECURITY GUARD by his side, Rebecca stills
him with a gesture.
JEFF
<o:p>
I tried to convince you to be with me because I believe we belong together. From the first time in the bar when I danced like a fool for you until the time I saw you with Amanda’s mother in the garden and hoped against hope that you’d remember. Maybe you’re not my soulmate and maybe soulmates don’t really exist, but I think about you all the time and I can’t wait to see you even if you think I’m a stalker and throw things at me.
REBECCA
Jeff, I…
Rebecca looks at Ken standing next to Gwen.
JEFF
But more importantly. More importantly, soulmate or not, I want you to be happy.
Jeff steps closer to Rebecca. A strand of hair falls in front of her face. Jeff brushes it back behind her ear. Rebecca reaches up, touches Jeff’s hand as he fixes her hair.
JEFF (CONT’D)
If that means living without me and marrying Ken, well I guess that’s the way it has to be for this life.
Rebecca looks into Jeff’s eyes.
JEFF (CONT’D)
But I’m not giving you up completely. So expect me back in your next life.
Jeff turns and walks away as the snow starts falling harder. Rebecca watches and touches her hair where Jeff had placed it.
</o:p>
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Mary Emmick/Elevated Scene Structure
What I Learned from this assignment is that in order to provide more interest, meaning, depth, entertainment, and drama in a scene, a scene can be changed by rewriting the scene structure.
Scene before changes:
EXT. ELM STREET – MORNING
Victor and Isabel canvass for Maria Gonzalez’s Senate campaign. They carry campaign literature and carry cell phones to track information about their visits.
VICTOR
So, what are you interested in studying?
ISABEL
I’m thinking about studying history. U.W has a good history department. If I can get in there. I’d like to maybe be a history teacher. And I’m interested in music…maybe minor in music.
VICTOR
Do you play an instrument?
ISABEL
I play a little piano. In middle school I took lessons for a few years. What about you? Are you going to school?
VICTOR
I graduated last year from DeSales High School and am enrolled at the Enology and Viticulture School here. Next year I’ll finish up the program.
ISABEL
(smiles)
Sometime you’ll have to give me a tour of Rolling Hills Winery.
VICTOR
Next month we’re hosting a fundraiser for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign. It’ll be at Rolling Hills Winery. Interested?
ISABEL
Sure!
VICTOR
Here’s our first house. I’ll do most of the talking to begin with. Later we can take turns.
They put on their masks and walk up to a house and knock on the door.
I chose to elevate the scene structure by changing the scene structure: 1. Surprise 2. Crucible 3. Superior Position
I added a little of all three of these scene structures.
Surprise
Victor
Here’s our first house. I’ll do most of the talking to begin with. Later we can take turns.
They put on their masks and walk up to a house and knock on the door.
Victor
Hi. I’m a volunteer with Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. Maria serves on the city council and will take the time to meet, listen and act. She…
Door slams shut.
Crucible
Isabel knocks on the door of house. The door opens and Tiffany, chewing gum, stares at her.
Isabel
Hi Tiffany. I’m volunteering for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. I’ll just leave this flier for you.
Tyler saunters in to check out who is visiting. He stares at Isabel and Victor.
Tyler
We won’t be needing this flier. My dad is going to be senator.
He takes the flier from Tiffany and hands it back to Isabel.
Isabel
Maria Gonzalez is hardworking and honest and will bring good changes to Walla Walla. There have been complaints in town…complaints that the present leadership is failing the people.
Tyler
Senator Cramer works for gun rights and personal liberties. He voted to save tax payers money by slashing $76 million from the state’s mental-health budget because the weak and mentally ill should learn to fend for themselves.
Isabel
I guess we have different priorities.
Tyler
Hands down, my dad will win. But, hey, knock yourself out campaigning for loser Maria.
Smiling, he puts his arm around Tiffany and shuts the door.
Superior Position
INT. TIFFANY’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – MORNING
Inside a house we see Tiffany and Tyler watching a baseball game on T.V. His arm is around her and they are snuggling together.
EXT. ELM STREEET – AFTERNOON Isabel knocks on the door of house. The door opens and Tiffany, chewing gum, stares at her.
Isabel
Hi Tiffany. I’m volunteering for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. I’ll just leave this flier for you.
Tyler saunters in to check out who is visiting. He stares at Isabel and Victor.
Tyler
We won’t be needing this flier. My dad is going to be senator.
He takes the flier from Tiffany and hands it back to Isabel.
Isabel
Maria Gonzalez is hardworking and honest and will bring good changes to Walla Walla. There have been complaints in town, complaints that the present leadership is failing the people.
Tyler
Senator Cramer works for gun rights and personal liberties. He voted to save tax payers money by slashing $76 million from the state’s mental-health budget because the weak and mentally ill should learn to fend for themselves.
Isabel
I guess we have different priorities.
Tyler
Hands down, my dad will win. But, hey, knock yourself out campaigning for loser Maria.
Smiling, he puts his arm around Tiffany and shuts the door.
SCENE AFTER CHANGES
EXT. ELM STREET – MORNING
Victor and Isabel canvass for Maria Gonzalez’s Senate campaign. They carry campaign literature and carry cell phones to track information about their visits.
VICTOR
So, what are you interested in studying?
ISABEL
I’m thinking about studying history. U.W has a good history department. If I can get in there. I’d like to maybe be a history teacher. And I’m interested in music…maybe minor in music.
VICTOR
Do you play an instrument?
ISABEL
I play a little piano. In middle school I took lessons for a few years. What about you? Are you going to school?
VICTOR
I graduated last year from DeSales High School and am enrolled at the Enology and Viticulture School here. Next year I’ll finish up the program.
ISABEL
(smiles)
Sometime you’ll have to give me a tour of Rolling Hills Winery.
VICTOR
Next month we’re hosting a fundraiser for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign. It’ll be at Rolling Hills Winery. Interested?
ISABEL
Sure!
VICTOR
Here’s our first house. I’ll do most of the talking to begin with. You can take the next one.
They put on their masks and walk up to a house and knock on the door. The door opens.
VICTOR
Hi. We’re volunteers with Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. Maria serves on the city council and will take the time to meet, listen and act. She…
Door slams shut.
VICTOR
This occasionally happens.
They leave this house and continue down the street to an apartment building.
INT. TIFFANY’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Inside we see Tiffany and Tyler watching a baseball game on T.V. His arm is around her as they snuggle. Tyler now sports a scruffy beard.
They hear a knock on the door.
EXT. TIFFANY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Tiffany, chewing gum, opens the door and sees Isabel and Victor.
ISABEL
(surprised)
Hi Tiffany. We’re volunteering for Maria Gonzalez’s campaign for state senate. Here’s a flier about some of her background accomplishments and goals.
Tyler saunters in to check out who is visiting. He stares at Isabel and Victor.
TYLER
We won’t be needing this flier. My dad is going to win re-election.
He takes the flier from Tiffany and hands it back to Isabel.
ISABEL
Maria Gonzalez is hardworking and honest and will bring good changes to Walla Walla and the state. There have been some complaints in town, complaints that the present leadership is failing the people.
TYLER
Senator Cramer works for personal liberties and gun rights. He voted to save tax payers money by slashing $76 million from the state’s mental-health budget because the weak and mentally ill should learn to fend for themselves.
ISABEL
I guess we have different priorities.
TYLER
Hands down, my dad will win. But, hey, knock yourself out campaigning for loser Maria.
Smiling, he puts his arm around Tiffany and shuts the door.
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REWRITE – DAY #11
RAE’S ELEVATED SCREEN STRUCTURESWhat I learned from this assignment is I had neglected to include many of these
scene structure elements when after taking many SWU classes and assignments, I should know this. Often we know our characters
intimately but don’t put these elements on the page, when this is what makes it a more
compelling character and scene.I did not save the TWO ORIGINAL SCENES and so I am posting the revised scenes
only.ORIGINAL SCENE:
In the original scene Jesi receives the orchids, answers the phone to Gerard, but
shuts him down immediately and hangs up.REVISED SCENE: USING MISLEAD AND REVEAL
Jesi is skeptical of Gerard, but still she engages because she is enamored with
him.The scene in Gerard’s home has been added. It foreshadows and tells us he has
a seven year old boy who for some reason he is withholding from Jesi.EXT./ INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE – NIGHT
Jesi drops into Jackson’s recliner, wine in hand. A door-bell rings. Jesi opens the
front door, finds a vase of white orchids on the porch. The card reads, “I’m yours
if you need me, Gerard.”
She returns to the living room, goes to the record player, selects Sinatra’s
“Summer Wind” and sinks back into the recliner. Her cell rings.INTERCUT:
INT. GERARD LEBLANC’S RESIDENCE – NIGHT
Gerard calls from his home.
GERARD
Jesi?
JESI
Yes.
GERARD
Jesi, it’s Gerard. Thought I’d call, see how you’re doing.
JESI
Your orchids just arrived and they’re beautiful. You’ve done it again, gone way
beyond the call of duty. Are you still at the hospital?A CHILD’S VOICE calls out O.S. It belongs to Gerard’s seven tear old son, JULIAN.
JULIAN (O.S.)
Dad, come to my room!
JESI
I’m sorry. You have company?
GERARD
No! No company.
JESI
I still haven’t scattered his ashes.
(Starts to cry, stops herself)
Is this about the bill?
GERARD
No, patient billing is not my department – but if you’d like to meet, talk about it.
In fact I’d like you to visit my home.JESI
Thank you doctor, I mean Gerard, but I’m not up for anything social right now.
Jesi panics, hangs up, but then regrets it and cries alone.
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What did I learn? This is a great tool. Making scenes better structured also promotes more good writing.
SET UP – Chuck-It left the Super Bowl in the back of a squad car, arrested for his actions after the game. His wife, Cheryl, was arrested too.
1) EXT. POLICE STATION – DAY
A car with Chuck-It’s and Cheryl’s parents wait.
The doors of the station open. Chuck-It and Cheryl exit the police station, unwittingly divided by their LAWYERS.
From nowhere, a large passenger van, is low on its springs. Chuck-It’s huge linemen exit. The van bounces.
The five linemen turn and do a bare-ass welcome. They all have “Free Papa Pepe Pizza for Life” tattoos on their butts.
LARGEST LINEMAN
Papa Pepe cut us off!
LARGE LINEMAN
My exes are pissed!
MAX BLOCK
Boss, there’s other news.
CHUCK-IT
What?
MAX BLOCK
We’re to bring you to Hollywood to compete in a dance contest. It’s called “Dancing with Defeat.”
CHUCK-IT
What else you gonna’ dance with?
MAX BLOCK
No, it’s “Dancing with Defeat,” like “Dancing with Losers.” From all over the world.
CHUCK-IT
Oh, that’s what I am now. They want to make fun of me because I can’t dance.
LARGEST LINEMAN
You owe us bro’. Protectin’ you all these years. You gotta’ redeem us.
CHUCK-IT
We’ll do it next year on the field.
A LAWYER steps forward.
LAWYER
Mister Farr, I’m afraid the team is not picking up your contract.
MAX BLOCK
But listen. This Hood fellow is making us the center of some video game.
SMALL LINEMAN
You gotta’ do it or we’re all screwed.
Cheryl follows her mother into a car. Chuck-It goes to the open car door where Cheryl sits with her mother.
CHUCK-IT
Cheryl, you’re coming. Right?
CHUCK-IT
Not this time, Charlie. You don’t get it. Let me know if you do.
She pulls the car door shut. The car pulls away.
2) What am I trying to accomplish?
A. Put Chuck-It at the whim of his huge linemen.
B. Justify Chuck-It willfully joining the dance contest.
C. Make the scene more surprising.
Surprise.
Start with a surprise of smuggling Chuck-It past the press. We learn about his fate as the audience does.
Crucible
Chuck-It is forced to consider his linemen’s need. Plus, the stakes are raised. Chuck-It has been cut.
3) EXTERIOR. POLICE STATION – DAY
TV crews surround the station waiting on Chuck-It’s release.
Max Block exits the station carrying a big bag over his shoulder. Yet, he’s so big and strong, he makes it look small and light. Nobody could possibly be in that bag.
Max throws the bag into the van. Fooled, the media turns away.
CHUCK-IT (O.S.)
(from inside bag)
Hmmpff. What drill is this?
A hand unzips the bag from the inside. Chuck-It’s in the bag. He climbs out- still in uniform.
CHUCK-IT
Where’s Cheryl?
MAX
She got out last night and flew home with the families.
EXTERIOR. AIRPORT TARMAC – DAY
The van door pops open and the other five lineman jump out of the van simultaneously (as they do everything). Springs, relieved of their huge load, launch the van a foot off the ground.
The BIGGEST LINEMAN carries pizzas as they climb into the private jet.
INTERIOR. PRIVATE PLANE – DAY
The plane is aloft. Chuck-It exits the bathroom, having showered on the plane and changed into club sponsored gear.
All the lineman watch him unhappily.
CHUCK -IT
Why aren’t you guys eating? We got Papa Pepe and suds. Same as always.
Biggest lineman motions to the boxes of pizzas while cans of beer are thrown about.
BIBBEST LINEMAN
Chuck. Look at the pizza. You see anything different?
CHUCK IT
Same to me. Same setup every flight home. Free pizza and beer. Wait a minute…You guys didn’t order all the pizzas with pineapple. Did ya’?
The Smallest Lineman places a receipt under Chuck-It’s nose.
BIGGEST LINEMAN
You know what this is?
CHUCK-IT
A paper receipt? Haven’t seen one of those in awhile.
SMALLEST LINEMAN
Yes, a receipt. A fucking receipt! The difference is…it was for the first time in ten years that any of us had to pay for pizza.
BIGGEST LINEMAN
Do you know why?
CHUCK IT
No.
BIGGEST LINEMAN
Because we lost the one endorsement any offensive line in the whole world had. A nice sum each year–
SMALLEST LINEMAN
…enough to cover my alimony.
LARGE LINEMAN
My Texas exes are pissed!
The five linemen turn and do a bare-ass welcome. They all have “Free Papa Pepe Pizza for Life” tattoos on their butts.
ALL OF THE LINEMEN
(in unison)
To life! And free pizza for life–
BIGGEST LINEMAN
…as long as we maintain our tattoos.
CHUCK-IT
Don’t worry. We’ll get Papa Pepe back next year.
MAX BLOCK
There is no next year. They cut your ass, Boss.
CHUCK-IT
What? Cut me? Cut you guys? Wow.
MAX BLOCK
No, they just cut you, Boss. There’s other news.
CHUCK-IT
What?
MAX BLOCK
We’re to bring you to Hollywood to compete in a dance contest. It’s called “Dancing with Defeat.”
CHUCK-IT
What else you gonna’ dance with?
MAX BLOCK
No, it’s “Dancing with Defeat,” like “Dancing with Losers.” Famous people from all over the world.
CHUCK-IT
Famous losers. They want to make fun of me because I can’t dance.
LARGEST LINEMAN
You owe us bro’. Protectin’ your ass all these years. You gotta’ redeem us.
MAX BLOCK
But listen. There’s good news. Really good. This Hood producer fellow is making us the center of some huge video game. We’re all in it.
SMALL LINEMAN
You gotta’ dance or we lose that, too.
CHUCK-IT
OK, let me get home and talk to Cheryl first.
MAX BLOCK
Too late, Boss. We’re landing in L.A. In an hour.
-
Johnny Cullen’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment was that it is quite difficult to really go under the hood of a scene and find its meaning but by doing so it can be very rewarding and offer a lot of clarity.
Original Scene:
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY
Diarmuid and Maeve arrive into the gaming competitive arena. The room is packed with game-players, cosplayers (as many Fomorians as Tuatha De Dannan’s), audience members, and the waifs, strays, and vagabond weirdos you’d expect from a niche subculture like this. Screens blast digital pummelling of two and three dimensions from all corners of the room, and bowel deep techno beats thump through the foundations.
DIARMUID
Well this is…different.
Maeve eyes light up – she’s found her tribe. A woman (STACEY) arrives with a clip board.
STACEY
Diarmuid! A real life celebrity is taking part in the competition!
Diarmuid smiles.
DIARMUID
Well I wouldn’t say that.
STACEY
Neither would I. I was joking.
Maeve outstretches her hand to shake it. Stacey’s hand is all contorted and backwards.
STACEY
Sorry Carpal tunnel, too many competitive matches.
Maeve looks at her own hands in horror.
STACEY
The bracket is over there, Deermud and Ravingmaeve! Best of luck.
Diarmuid and Maeve make their way over to the competitor board. Maeve stops him.
MAEVE
What happened that makes everyone hate you?
DIARMUID
That’s a little heavy-handed Maeve? It’s also not true.
MAEVE
Sorry.
DIARMUID
I bought a lot of followers.
MAEVE
Why?
Diarmuid takes a moment. He smiles awkwardly.
DIARMUID
I had to do whatever it takes. To be the best I can be.
They arrive at the competitor board. Diarmuid lines up a photograph framing Maeve in the photo. Somethings missing. Him of course. He adjusts the angle into a selfie snaps a photo and adds the tags, #emeraldfist #feelthefury #family #feelthelove.
DIARMUID
To be on top here we have to win every match.
MAEVE
Every match?
DIARMUID
Well if we lose one we go into loser brackets. We are not going to get into loser brackets O.K?
Maeve takes a deep breath staring at all the competitors around her twice her age.
MAEVE
O.k!
They fist bump and electric charge surrounds their fists.
MAEVE
Who are we fighting first?
Diarmuid moves his finger along the bracket.
DIARMUID
RitzyRiddhi and Zlatatat.
——————————
New Scene (Subtle Change)
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY
Diarmuid and Maeve arrive into gaming competitive arena. The room is packed with game-players, cosplayers (as many Fomorians as Tuatha De Dannan’s), audience members, and the waifs, strays, and vagabond weirdos you’d expect from a niche subculture like this. Screens blast digital pummelling of two and three dimensions from all corners of the room, and bowel deep techno beats thump through the foundations.
DIARMUID
Well this is…different.
Maeve eyes light up – she’s found her tribe. A woman (STACEY) arrives with a clip board.
STACEY
Diarmuid! A real life celebrity is taking part in the competition!
Diarmuid smiles.
DIARMUID
Well I wouldn’t say that.
STACEY
Neither would I. I was joking.
Maeve outstretches her hand to shake it. Stacey’s hand is all contorted and backwards.
STACEY
Sorry Carpal tunnel, too many competitive matches.
Maeve looks at her own hands in horror.
STACEY
The bracket is over there, Deermud and Ravingmaeve! Best of luck.
Diarmuid and Maeve make their way over to the competitor board. Maeve stops him.
MAEVE
What happened that makes everyone hate you?
DIARMUID
That’s a little heavy handed Maeve? It’s also not true.
MAEVE
Sorry.
DIARMUID
I had to do whatever it takes. To be the best I can be.
MAEVE
What?
DIARMUID
I bought a lot of followers.
MAEVE
Oh.
Diarmuid takes a moment. He smiles awkwardly.
DIARMUID
To be the best you can be that’s what matters right?
They arrive at the competitor board. Diarmuid lines up a photograph framing Maeve in the photo. Somethings missing. Him of course. He adjusts the angle into a selfie snaps a photo and adds the tags, #emeraldfist #feelthefury #family #feelthelove.
DIARMUID
To be on top here we have to win every match.
MAEVE
Every match?
DIARMUID
Well if we lose one we go into loser brackets. We are not going to get into loser brackets O.K?
Maeve takes a deep breath staring at all the competitors around her twice her age.
MAEVE
O.k!
They fist bump and electric charge surrounds their fists.
MAEVE
Who are we fighting first?
Diarmuid moves his finger along the bracket.
DIARMUID
RitzyRiddhi and Zlatatat.
-
Caroline’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned: That technique gave so much more meaning to the scene! I love it and am going to use it.
1.
Slowly Ella gets up and walks past Nick and knocks on James’s door.
INT. JAMES’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON
JAMES
Enter.
ELLA
Hi, I am here to help with the accounts.
JAMES
Great.
James hands her a large stack of folders.
JAMES
These need to be updated and organized by quarter first, then revenue, then entered in the master spreadsheet in the shared file. Meghan wasn’t big on computers.
Ella leaves the office, struggling with the pile. Nick watches her and then, remembering himself, jumps up.
INT. NICK’S DESK – AFTERNOON
NICK
Let me help you.
Ella dumps the files on his desk and gives him a dirty look.
ELLA
What are you doing here?
NICK
What do you mean, like right now?
ELLA
No, like in this office. What are you doing?
NICK
Working?
ELLA
Is that what you call it?
NICK
Trying?
ELLA
Do you know anything about computers?
NICK
Yeah, I know stuff.
ELLA
I’m talking spreadsheets not porn sites.
NICK
No, I don’t know spreadsheets but I’m learning.
ELLA
How’d you get this job?
Nicks mumbles something but Ella ignores him and looks through the file folders. Nick watches her.
NICK
Hey, you know, I’m sorry I was a jerk to you.
ELLA
Every day for the last six months? Is that what you mean?
NICK
Was it that long? Yea, then.
ELLA
Save it. I’m gonna work on these at my desk.
NICK
What should I do?
ELLA
Try not to sexually harass anyone.
Ella walks away with the pile of files.
Nick watches her walk to her desk. He gets up and walks into the break room. Claire and Jessie are getting coffee.
2. List the components of the scene:
A. Ella is competent enough to handle extra tasksB. Nick is unsure of himself.
C. Ella tells Nick what she thinks of him.
3.
Suspense
Nick is so freaked out by James that he thinks that he treats everyone the same. He tries to stop Ella from going into the office not only because he is afraid of what James will say, he is afraid that James will yell at Ella and he would not be able to bear it.
Crucible
Nick follows Ella into James’s office and they can’t avoid each other.
Investigation / Hiding
Nick lies and tells Ella that he knows what he is doing. But he really doesn’t, just as Ella suspected.
4. Suspense
Slowly Ella gets up and walks past Nick and knocks on James’s door. Nick looks freaked out.
NICK
What are you doing?
Ella turns to give him a withering look.
ELLA
What does it look like I am doing?
Nick looks panicked.
NICK
It’s just that he’s uh …
Ella looks at him is disgust and knocks again.
JAMES
Enter.
Ella opens the door and goes in, closing it behind her.
INT. NICK’S DESK – DAY
Nick peers inside the office, watching, scared. He can see Ella and James talking for a bit and then James hands her a large stack of folders.
Ella opens the door of the office, struggling with the pile of folders. Nick watches her and then, remembering himself, jumps up.
INT. NICK’S DESK – AFTERNOON
NICK
Let me help you.
Ella dumps the files on his desk and gives him a dirty look.
ELLA
What are you doing here?
NICK
What do you mean, like right now?
ELLA
No, like in this office. What are you doing?
NICK
Working?
ELLA
Is that what you call it?
NICK
Trying?
ELLA
Do you know anything about computers?
NICK
Yeah, I know stuff.
ELLA
I’m talking spreadsheets not porn sites.
NICK
No, I don’t know spreadsheets but I’m learning.
ELLA
How’d you get this job?
Nicks mumbles something but Ella ignores him and looks through the file folders. Nick watches her.
NICK
Hey, you know, I’m sorry I was a jerk to you.
ELLA
Every day for the last six months? Is that what you mean?
NICK
Was it that long? Yea, then.
ELLA
Save it. I’m gonna work on these at my desk.
NICK
What should I do?
ELLA
Try not to sexually harass anyone.
Ella walks away with the pile of files.
Nick watches her walk to her desk. He gets up and walks into the break room. Claire and Jessie are getting coffee.
-
Sorry SWU! I totally erased this completed assignment. I have added the new scenes to my script but for some reason cannot reclaim this assignment in Microsoft Word. Oh well, on to Lesson #12!
-
<div>Set-up: The Army is showing the six airmen the local Honduran area as thanks for helping the Army field post with infrastructure problems they had. Also the Air Force reservist are getting exposed to operating in a foreign country. Valuable training for these seasoned citizen military members usually confined to operating bases when they go over seas. </div>
They are not expecting any problems so these two humvee are touring waving to the locals to keep great relations in the area. Although they are packing incase any of the cartels in the area want to test them.
We open with the light hearted members getting into the Humvees and leaving the field post.
EXT. TEMPORARY FIELD KITCHEN DINING ROOM – DAY
Returning Airmen, Bill, Sam, Hartman, and Rojas, return with their M-4s slung on their shoulders, battle gear, ammo, and cameras.
While they were waiting the second time, Bill is shaking hands with a few ARMY ENLISTED TROOPS and MSG Willis. They are obviously pleased with him.
Two Humvees pull up. MSG Willis goes out to meet them. Some of the AF airmen are milling around. Including Bill, Sam, Kennard, Hartman, Bobo, and Rojas. All ready to go with their weapons.
MSG Willis and Sam are the Humvee drivers.
MSG WILLIS
Do you all have your combat gear and weapons?
All hold up their M-4s as Willis approvingly looks each over.
Willis looks at Sam to brief her before driving.
MSG WILLIS
You’ll get to drive through a few rivers this time around. It will be good training for you.
SAM
Cool, but I have driven through rivers before.
MSG WILLIS
Not like these, I’ll bet. Make sure you follow me, but not too close if we get attacked. We had intel a few monthes ago the cartels had plans to attack us. But it never panned out. Also, the rivers around here are full of fecal matter. You don’t want to get stuck in the river, or you will be responsible for hooking up the tow chain to pull you out. — Catch my drift?
SAM
Yeah! That doesn’t sound like much fun.
ROJAS
What are we going to see?
MSG Willis shrugs his shoulders.
MSG WILLIS
The local area’s extreme poverty. It kinda makes you aware of how well off we are back home. We are so blessed in America.
Willis quickly turns toward Kennard.
MSG WILLIS
Are we ready, Senior Master Sergeant Kennard?
Kennard jumps into his leadership role.
KENNARD
Okay, everyone, listen up.
MSG WILLIS
Just pile into the two humvees, and we’ll be on our way.
Humvee #1 Willis (driver), Kennard, Rojas, Sgt Freeman.
Humvee #2 Sam (driver), Bill, Hartman, Bobo, and PFC James.
EXT. LEAVING POST GATE ON HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS – DAY
Humvees drive out the gate of the Army post at Las Delicias.
EXT. HONDURAN COUNTRYSIDE DIRT ROADS WITH PIECED TOGETHER SMALL SHACKS – DAY
Driving by a stream where local women are washing clothes on the rocks. The Humvee occupants all wave to the ladies being friendly.
Driving by bare minimum, one-room shacks the locals live in, with no glass in the windows and some without doors in the doorways.
Locals watch as the two humvees drive by.
A local suspiciously takes out a radio and talks to someone after the humvees past him.
Sum total, the Americans are enjoying the ride. Joking with each other and their new Army friends.
INT. CARTEL HEADQUARTERS BUILDING – DAY
Someone at a desk with a radio responds to a call. Then hurries to the big boss.
INT. CARTEL BIG BOSSES OFFICE – DAY
Knock on the door. Big boss with other cartel leaders present responses to the interruption.
Big boss listens to the courier. Stands at the head of the table. Leans forward on his hands. Looks into the eyes of his followers sternly.
BIG BOSS
Now we have an opportunity. Attack!
Everyone at the table jumps up and runs out the of the room.
EXT. CARTEL COMPOUND – DAY
A swarm of bad guys with weapons are mobilized and jump into a 2-ton truck with canvas cover and wood seats for the gaggle of bad guys to sit. The Boss of the group leads the way out of the cartel compound in his SUV.
EXT. AMERICAN HUMVEES WIND THEIR WAY DOWN THE DIRT ROADS – DAY
With no sense of urgency, the Americans stop and take pictures of the jungle and shacks when no one is present and the small rivers they drive through.
EXT. DESTINATION SIDE OF THE RIVER – DAY
THREE CARTEL MEMBERS listening to a handheld radio.
CARTEL LOWER BOSS
The Americans are coming to the river from the east side of the river, heading west. You set up on the west side of the river directly in their path. They are not to pass by you! — Use the RPGs to stop them in the middle of the river. Then hold them down until we get there to close their back door. — Comprender?!
CARTEL MEMBER #1
Si!
EXT. WIDE RIVER – DAY
The Humvees approach the river.
The first Humvee rolls up to the river. Pauses as the driver shifts it into low 4 wheel drive. Then enters the river cautiously, slowly picking up a deliberate speed, but not very fast. The river is only up to the bottom of the Humvee doors.
INT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
The 2-ton truck is screaming recklessly down the road with all the shooters in the back bouncing around, barely able to stay seated. The boss follows close behind.
INT. HUMVEE #2 – DAY
Sam is watching closely and is tickled, she gets to drive in this wide river.
Cartel member #2 with the RPG pointing at them is tickled too. He is excitedly nervous. As he watches them enter the river.
SAM
Here we go, boys!
Sam pauses and shifts the Humvee into low 4 wheel drive. Then slowly enters the river, following cautiously, but keeping her distance.
EXT. DESTINATION SIDE OF THE RIVER – DAY
The three cartel members are disorganized and cannot decide if they should blow their cover and stand out on the road to show the Americans who are going to kill them or keep their cover. They keep their cover.
They are so excited they get to shoot the RPG.
EXT. MIDDLE OF THE RIVER – DAY
As the Humvees reach the halfway point in the river, suddenly, an RPG comes out from bushes of the destination side of the river. It hits low on the front of the lead Humvee, damaging the front end badly.
MSG Willis and Kennard are wounded badly. Bobo and Rojas are stunned and bleeding.
The occupants of Humvee #2 leap out and spray the jungle with small arms fire. Causing the cartel members to hit the ground.
Bill moves up to the damaged Humvee that is now smoking. He helps Bobo and Rojas to get out as they come under heavy small arms fire.
Suddenly, a second RPG hits the first Humvee, almost knocking out Bill as he was just starting to get Willis out of the driver’s seat.
Bill, somewhat dazed, pulls himself out of the river. He reaches in from the driver’s side door, flicks out his SWITCHBLADE, quickly cuts the safety belt holding Willis.
Sam runs over to help Bill float Willis to safety behind the burning Humvee. The others are firing wildly at the area where the RPGs are coming from.
Bobo pries open the back of the mangled Humvee like a man possessed with superpowers, grabbing bloody and unconscious Kennard from the burning wreckage. Sam is behind the back corner of the Humvee dragging Willis as Bill lets go and helps Bobo get Kennard out the back of the burning Humvee.
A third RPG hits below the front of the burning Humvee pushing the front end up trapping Sam underwater.
Bobo and Bill immediately drop Kennard. Bobo, straining, puts all his energy into lifting the back end of the Humvee to free Sam. Bill is unable to get her out.
Bobo tries again as Bill feverishly pulls on Sam. Suddenly she is free and floats to surface, almost looking drowned. Suddenly she snaps to, sputtering and spits.
She is pissed! She grabs her M-4 and jumps up on the hood of the second Humvee.
The Cartel members see her crouching on the hood of the second Humvee.
With smoke getting thicker and swirling around Sam, she checks her magazine. She only has two rounds left. She slams the magazine into the M-4 and stands up. Tilting her head to one side and back again with extreme concentration.
The RPG shooter sees her stand up, and he steps out into the middle of the road, smiling. He slowly lifts the RPG to aim right at Sam through the smoke swirling around between them.
Sam double-taps the trigger and hits the RPG shooter right in the chest. Just as he squeezes this trigger launching the RPG dead-on, heading right at Sam.
Sam doesn’t have time to duck it happen so quickly. The RPG flies inches over her head, singeing her hair, and keeps going.
EXT. CARTEL TRUCKS SPEEDING ON DIRT ROADS – DAY
-The 2-ton truck approaches the river with the leader behind it. They don’t see the rocket coming straight for them through the smoke of #1 Humvee.
The rocket hits the 2-ton truck with all the cartel fighters. Lighting up the truck and the fuel tank on the truck. Killing or injuring all the occupants of the truck.
The boss’s SUV almost runs into the back of the burning 2-ton truck.
-The boss watches as his support team is devastated by his own RPG.
-He yells to his driver to turn around as they are pelted with M-4 fire from the Humvees. They just barely escape. Catching fire from Rojas and Bobo as they seed away.
EXT. IN THE RIVER BETWEEN THE TWO HUMVEES – DAY
Rojas and Hartman, see the trucks speeding toward them. They begin to fire at the lead truck, when it suddenly explodes. They continue to fire on the SUV as it turns around and takes off.
Freeman and Bobo are returning fire in the direction of the jungle where the small arms fire seemed to be coming from.
Two cartel members in the bushes fade deeper into the bushes.
Rojas and Hartman hear a pick-up truck start up the road. Then retreats down the road away from the fighting. Rojas and Hartman fire at the pick-up truck, as it gets away.
It is suddenly quiet. No one is shooting at them. The group in the river cautiously collect themselves.
In the distance, they hear something. Two Pave Hawk helicopters are inbound as the Army Quick Reaction Force arrives.
Everyone relieved as they are able to get the two badly bleeding members out of the water. Willis is semiconscious and barely holding Kennard up, both sitting in the water from taking cover during the firefight.
Everyone pitches in to stabilize them.
FREEMAN
Oh yeah. I called for help the second we got ambushed.
BILL
Good job, Freeman.
Suddenly, both Helicopters open fire on the jungle around each side of the road. Then around the 2-ton truck that was burning.
FREEMAN
I better bring them up to speed.
Freeman gets into Humvee #2 and talks to the helicopters. They split and cover both sides of the river as Quick Reaction Force quick rope down on both sides of the river and set up a perimeter.
Sam jumps down. Bloody, singed and painfully runs to help get Willis and Kennard ready to be loaded in a helicopter. Bill gets dizzy and almost falls in the river holding his head.
SAM
Are you okay, Bill?
BILL
Just dizzy. Are you okay?
Sam walks around to look at Bill’s wounds, and she twists her ankle on the river bottom.
SAM
Ow! Damn it.
Sam grabs Bill. Bill manages to hold them both up. They look at each other, then start laughing.
BILL
We made it through another attack on our deployments. And you twist your ankle. Go figure.
SAM
Yeah, I have to twist my ankle after it’s all over. You look like you got some shrapnel wounds, buddy.
BILL
You look like you got your head singed girl friend. And you are bleeding too.
As the scene fades, the quick reaction team is quickly taking over.
-
Rebecca’s elevated Scene Structure, #11
What I learned from doing this assignment is that it is well worth doing even if you believe your scene structure is already great. The tiniest adjustment can greatly elevate many if not all elements of scene structure, making the scene way more exciting. And I also automatically found even more meaningful actions that came inherently with the structural tweaks. Will continue to check how I can elevate meaningful action and scene structure throughout!! I had some happy unexpected twists that elevated characters, as well. Also found more spine in the characters.
The following little sequence of three scenes, 150-153, tweaked structure to elevate/add a touch of suspense, crucible, irony, twist, mystery and reveal. Changes/adds are in bold. I am doing this process with other scenes as well.
In this progression, Beth flies to Puerto Rico to see her estranged 6 yr old son. She shows up at Willy’s grandma’s house and claims to take Willy shopping. Beth agrees to return for dinner and leaves with Willy.
150 EXT. SAN JUAN, PR AIRPORT – NIGHT, 1972
Plane descends over the runway. Wheels ready themselves for landing. And bounce as they connect with their landing.
151 EXT. CIALES, PR – DAY
Beth pulls up in a small, very used rental car. Parks in front of a less than modest house surrounded by plantain trees. The living room is sunlit and can be seen through the screen door.
BETH
Hello? Hola?
ABUELA, late 40’s, boxy Latina Missionary with the air of a queen and a thick Spanish accent.
ABUELA
Ai dios mio! Beth. Que tu haces aqui? What are you doing here? Como estas?
Sees the car.
ABUELA
Are you alone?
BETH
I came to see my son.
Abuela looks to Beth for meaning. Then opens the door and allows her pass. A child can be heard coughing in the other room.
152 INT. PR HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
ABUELA
Willy! Ven aqui nene, hay alguien aqui para verte.
Willy, thin and sickly, gallops in like a horsey. Stops to catch his breath. Coughs.
ABUELA
Mira quien es.
WILLY
Quien esta?
ABUELA
Es su Madre.
Willy stops.
WILLY
Que? No. Su es mi Madre, Mami.
BETH
Hola Willy. Do you remember me?
He shakes his head no. Beth kneels down and opens her arms wide. Gives her best possible smile.
BETH
Can I have a hug? Un brazo?
Willy looks to La Abuela.
ABUELA
Dar le un brazo nene.
Willy slow steps toward Beth. He lets her hug him. Beth pulls Willy tight into her arms. She is emotional. Her eyes meet Abuela’s, whose are pinned on hers. Smug and satisfied. Back to Beth, she holds her own.
153 EXT. CIALES, PR, HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Beth holds Willy’s hand, guides him to the car. Abuela at the stoop, blows kisses and waves to Willy who waves back over his shoulder, clueless.
BETH
I’m going to spend the day with my son. I’ll take him shopping for some clothes and toys.
ABUELA
Okay Beth. And what about dinner? You’ll be back? And you can have dinner with us. Okay?
BETH
Sure.
RENTAL CAR
Beth tucks Willy into the back seat and buckles him in. Big smiles and waves to Abuela. Abuela smiles and waves back.
The rental car slowly drives away as their goodbye waves drift off and fade into the background.
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