Day 11 Assignments

[Rob Bertrand]

Rob Bertrand’s Final Scene for Feedback Exchange

What I learned: I learned it gets easier to add character to a scene, when rewriting with well-defined character’s traits in mind.

Protagonist: Annie Andrews

Basic Character Traits: Sarcastic, Quick Temper, Sensitive Soul that has a Hidden Strength and aches for acceptance.

Subtext: Hiding Something (She’s gay.)

Antagonist: Danny Laplante

Basic Character Traits: Traumatized, delusional, Liar, who’s dangerously Obsessed.

Subtext: Plotting/Scheming

—————————————————————————————–

SCENE

EXT. FERRIS WHEEL – COUNTY FAIR – NIGHT

Annie and Danny stand awkwardly together, in line for the Ferris Wheel. Danny nervously bites at a hangnail.

DANNY
I just can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose your mom like that. That must’ve been horrific!

Annie is taken back.

ANNIE
Uh? Yeah. This…this line doesn’t seem to be moving. Like…at all.

DANNY
Good. It gives us more time together.

ANNIE
(fake)
Yay!

Annie’s phone buzzes in her pocket. She discreetly checks it.

JOCELYN (TEXT)
How’s it going?

ANNIE (TEXT)
OMG! This is torture! 🙁

DANNY
Who are you talking to? You got another boyfriend I should be worried about?

Annie hides her phone screen.

ANNIE
Oh, uh…just checking in with my little sister. She’s, uh…she’s just wondering when I’ll be home. That’s all.

Annie and Danny reach the head of the line.

The Ferris wheel grinds to a stop. The RIDE OPERATOR lifts the safety bar and motions for Annie and Danny to take a seat.

DANNY
After you, beautiful.

Annie winces.

As Annie sits down, Danny whispers to the Ride Operator while slipping him money. Both men smile and nod in agreement.

Danny takes a seat, closer to Annie than she’d like.

The Ride Operator lowers the safety bar and pushes a button. The chair lurches backwards over the sound of GRINDING METAL.

DANNY
Here we go…

At the peak of the Ferris Wheel, Annie gets a view of the entire fair. She looks around for Jocelyn and Jessica.

DANNY
Your dad sure was pissed.

ANNIE
Huh?

DANNY
Your dad. I could hear you guys screaming at each other from the street.

ANNIE
Really? Shit, that’s embarrassing. I mean…he wasn’t pissed. That’s just how we talk to each other.

DANNY
Don’t be embarrassed. He’s right though. Therapy would be good for you.

Annie is mortified.

ANNIE
(angry)
I’m not embarrassed!

DANNY
Therapy made me who I am today.

ANNIE
Yeah, and who’s that, Danny?

Danny smiles, revealing neglected teeth.

DANNY
The man of your dreams, Annie. Your whole world changed the second you met me.

The Ferris Wheel stops, with Annie and Danny at the peak. Annie is speechless.

DANNY
Wow, look at that view.

Annie’s phone buzzes. She quickly checks.

JOCELYN (TEXT)
I see you! Hang in there!

DANNY
Tell me about your mom?

ANNIE
Sorry…one sec. My sister…

Annie types lightning fast.

ANNIE (TEXT)
Dude! All he wants to talk about is my mom!

Danny fights irritation and puts on a fake smile.

DANNY
Was she a good mom?

ANNIE
Yeah. Yeah, she was.
(angry)
Why aren’t we moving?

Annie peers down at the Ride Operator, who appears to be chatting with some teenage girls.

DANNY
A mom is the heart of the family. Don’t ya’ think?

ANNIE
More like…the glue that holds a family together. But, I feel you.

DANNY
I feel you too.

Danny reaches for Annie’s hand, but she deftly moves it away.

ANNIE
I mean, what the fuck?! Why aren’t we moving?

DANNY
Okay, okay. I’ll confess. I paid the guy to stop us at the top. They call it the honeymoon suite.

ANNIE
The honeymoon suite. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Danny changes the subject.

DANNY
You ever think that maybe the wrong parent died?

ANNIE
(angry)
What? Why would you–

DANNY
–Be honest.

Annie thinks about it.

ANNIE
(angry)
I dunno, Danny. That’s…that’s just a fucked-up thing to ask someone.

Danny laughs.

DANNY
That’s a big yes. You should see your face. I must’a struck a nerve. I only ask because I often had that same thought when my mom died. My dad took it really hard.

ANNIE
I bet you miss her. What was she like–

DANNY
–Annie? I really like you.

Annie turns away, to hide a snicker. When she turns back, Danny comes in for a kiss. Annie pulls away, her face a mask of revulsion.

ANNIE
Danny, I thought we agreed to meet as friends?

DANNY
I know you feel something too.

Annie shakes her head.

ANNIE
We talked about this, Danny. I’m not interested in…dating, right now.

Danny smiles.

DANNY
I can wait for you. I’ve been waiting for you.

ANNIE
You’re going to be waiting a long time, buddy.

Danny’s smile disappears and his body language grows tense.

DANNY
Did you see her?

Annie is confused.

ANNIE
See who?

DANNY
Your mom’s body after she died? What did that feel like? Seeing her like that? Was her face fucked up?

Annie is startled when the Ferris Wheel begins moving again.

ANNIE
Longest Ferris Wheel ride…ever.

CUT TO:

[Robert Smith]

Hi, Rob!

It reads beautifully. I’ve been following your work and this meets all the standards we’ve been studying and the characters you drew up in your outline. You really created a great scene of Danny creeping out Annie. I could see it all on the screen of my mind.

Bob

Hi, again, Rob!

Would you do a critique of my submission? You;ve given feedback before and I value your opinion.

Many thanks.

Bob

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Robert Smith.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Robert Smith.

[Rob Bertrand]

Hey Bob,

Thank you very much. I’d be happy to give you feedback. I’m on it….

Rob

[Elizabeth Koenig]

Hey Rob, a fellow Washingtonian here. Who runs about 80% Hal Speed. I’ve just posted an intro scene. If you’re interested in another exchange this round, lmk—I realize we’re already in (or will be tomorrow, I can’t tell) the next module, so I Get It if you’ve moved on…

Though keep me in mind, if you’re ever needing future critique partners. I’ve got many in the novel/picture book world but need to build a network for screenplay, seeing as I’m new to this format and have lots to learn. I may be too much of a newbie for your skill level, but perhaps some of what I’ve picked up in other story realms could be value-add?

Have a great day~

(Actually I’ve already looked yours over-in brief. Impressed and intrigued. More, only if you want…)

[Rob Bertrand]

Nice to meet you Elizabeth. I’m always down to network with my fellow screenwriters. I’ll track down your scene and give some feedback. Definitely add me to your critique partner list!

– Rob

[Elizabeth Koenig]

I’m so excited—and honored!

Did you want to share your character sheet? I can probably figure out how to see it from our old assignments. But if that would help? Or is it better to just see what is “there?” You know more than me~

[Elizabeth Koenig]

Oops I see you have character traits and subtext already! I guess I’d be curious re: character logline. Or logline! I’m really wishing I’ve read some of your other course work b/c this is going to be good. More soon…

[Elizabeth Koenig]

Let me know if my reply to the WordPress email last night didn’t reach you, and I’ll post here. Or: I’m at elizabethkoening18@gmail.com~

[Rob Bertrand]

Hi Elizabeth,

My apologies. I was offline most of today. You can reach me at

robertrand@hotmail.com

Thanks,

Rob

[Janeen Johnson]

Janeen’s Final Scene for Feedback Exchange

What I learned rewriting this scene is that it is very helpful to have a checklist.

SCENE

EXT. RICHARDS HOME – EVENING

DANIEL RICHARDS, early 40s, fashion designer extraordinaire, drives a posh car up to the gates of his posh home. He takes a phone call while punching in his code. He is solicitous and caring.

DANIEL

Lola, dear, it is wonderful to hear from you. Your dress fits perfectly, right?

LOLA

It’s lovely, but there is a problem — nothing big, but I’m sure you can fix it before the awards show on Thursday.

Daniel pulls into the driveway with concern on his face and helpful conciliation in his voice.

DANIEL

Whatever is wrong, my dear?

LOLA

Terrence has picked a different tie. You’ll have to re-dye my dress – and the shoes and clutch, of course, but you should have plenty of time – it’s three days.

(triumphantly)

You’ll be delighted to know I’m wearing diamonds so I won’t have to change my jewelry.

Daniel clutches the steering wheel as he parks the car in front of the house. Brightly

DANIEL

That’s wonderful. What color is the new tie?

LOLA

Green. A lovely shade. I’m sure you can match it.

Daniel clenches his teeth, but his voice is still smooth and sweet.

DANIEL

Yes, Lola, dear. I’m sure I can match it. Send me the tie, dear.

LOLA

I’ll have my chauffeur drop it off in the morning.

Lola clicks off and Daniel glares at the phone.

DANIEL

You stupid bitch. I can’t dye a red dress green.

Dictating a message on his phone.

DANIEL

Message to Tara. See if we have enough of the white silk to remake Lola’s dress. Get another pair of shoes and a clutch to dye too. She’ll send the new color tie – green, this time – in the morning.

He pushes the button to send the message and exits his car. He stops before opening the door to the house, closes his eyes and takes a long, relaxing breath.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – CONTINUOUS

To one side, the dining room is set for a romantic dinner for two.

On the home’s elaborate staircase, AMBER RICHARDS, late 20’s, beautiful, dressed for dinner, but herding a 4-year-old, DAN JUNIOR and a 2-year-old, ALICE, up the first couple of stairs. She turns, startled, then afraid, when she hears the door opening.

DANIEL enters, looks quickly at the dining room and smiles. Then he sees Amber and the kids on the stairs and is immediately furious.

DANIEL

You idiot! You know the kids are supposed to be in bed by seven-thirty and it’s seven-

He quickly glances at his phone.

DANIEL

thirty-one.

Amber quickly puts Alice’s hand in Dan’s and waves them up the stairs. Alice balks at leaving Amber.

Amber looks back at Daniel, positioning herself in Daniel’s line of sight to the kids.

AMBER

I’m so sorry, Daniel. I heard you at the gate as I was taking the kids up, but thought I should put your dinner on the table before I saw to them since I knew you’d want your dinner. It will only take me a second to get them upstairs. They’re ready for bed, you see.

Daniel steps briskly to the stairs and slaps Amber hard on the face.

DANIEL

They should already be up there. You know that.

(slap)

How many times do I have to tell you before you do as I ask?

Daniel hits her arm with his fist and Amber falls back against the stairs. Alice cries and Dan Junior tries unsuccessfully to shush her. Amber glances at them in fear, struggles to get up off the step and away from the stairs to take the kids out of Daniel’s line of sight again.

AMBER

Your dinner is on the table. A beautiful steak, just the way you like it. And –

Daniel slaps her face again.

DANIEL

Shut up and stop making excuses.

Daniel storms to the dining room and Amber turns to motion the kids, both crying now, as they trudge up the stairs.

She watches Daniel for a moment to be sure he’s not turning back to her and then rushes up the stairs, picking up Alice and grabbing Dan Junior’s hand to move them more quickly.

INT. RICHARDS HOME – MINUTES LATER

DANIEL is smiling as he works on his steak and wine when AMBER comes into the room, a smile on her face, slap marks bright pink.

DANIEL

The steak is excellent. You’re a good cook. Please, sit.

Daniel half-stands as he motions Amber to her chair. Amber, abashedly flattered, moves to her seat.

DANIEL

Let me get you some wine.

AMBER

(smiling)

Thank you, dear.

[John Budinscak]

I’d like to read your final scene and offer feedback, and I’d appreciate your input and thoughts on mine. Please let me know. Thanks, Janeen.

John B.

[Janeen Johnson]

John,

I’ve been offline for several days. I’ll definitely take a look at yours and would really appreciate your feedback on mine. Thanks!

Janeen

[Jodi Harrison]

Hi Janeen,

Yes, thank you, it’d be great if you reviewed mine. I’m going to review yours right now. Back soon with feedback….

[Jodi Harrison]

Boy, is he a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but then most abusers are!

Very good scene that shows the situation very clearly.

It starts off light and funny and quickly turns grim and dark, very good!

It’s already got my interest to see how Amber gets herself and their children out of the abusive situation.

I realize Amber is shut down and in survivor mode (stay quiet and docile, and the abuse might stop soon) by this point in your script, is there anything left of her to be able to stand up to him somewhat in this scene? Could there be any more attack/counter? Abuse shuts the victim down fairly quickly, is there any boundary she can feel compelled to cross here?

I see clearly Daniel’s secret, what’s Amber’s? Could it play as subtext here? I see it a little bit with her negotiating statement of the beautiful steak, trying to appease him by using an adjective that describes outward beauty, since it seems that is all that’s important to Daniel.

I am so interested to see how Amber’s Character Arc ends up, which I know will be revealed later in your script.

An aside: Even though this scene was about Daniel, I see it very much about Amber and her life behind bars (so to speak), so I personally would love to know more on her Character profile.

Your
scene is captivating and stirs the emotions, I want to know how she gets out of
this. I know we’ll be posting more to
reveal our stories, at the end of the program, I’d love to read your completed
script.

[John Budinscak]

Let me start by saying I feel fortunate to have read your essence outline and being aware of the satisfying demise of Daniel Richards at the hands of Amber. Good riddance!

Great job showing how despicable this Daniel character really is – and a great advertisement for any actor looking to play a really ‘bad guy’. I like the adjectives you’ve used in your descriptions, and I appreciate your use of ‘less is more’ philosophy when describing action. We get a glimpse of Amber here and her priority – protecting the children. I look forward to see her evolution and who she becomes. Well done!

You hit all the buttons, the scene flows effortlessly and you paint a horrific picture of the home life for the Richards family. Great job, Janeen, I enjoy your writing. I’m a fan!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  John Budinscak.

[Amy Falkofske]

Amy’s final scene for feedback exchange

What I learned rewriting this scene is that the more you write scenes with your character, the more you get to know them.

INT. – NEWS DESK – DAY

ANDREA RICHARDSON peers into a mirror and scrunches up her face.

ANDREA

Ick!

She fixes her lipstick and rights a stray hair, then smiles a satisfied smile.

ANDREA

All better!

FLOOR MANAGER (O.S.)

Going live in 30.

Andrea quickly slips the mirror under the desk. Her brow furrows as she studies her script.

FLOOR MANAGER

In 5-4-3-

The floor manager points to Andrea.

She plasters the smile back on her face and looks directly into the camera.

ANDREA

Good evening and welcome to WBEN’s 5 News at Noon. Breaking at this hour, the late David Miller’s painting entitled “Love Unrequited” was stolen from the Johnston City Art Museum.

Andrea turns to the monitor behind her on the set.

ANDREA

With me now is the museum’s curator, Seth Meyers. Seth, thank you for joining me.

INT. MUSEUM – DAY

SETH MEYERS stands in front of a blank wall.

SETH

You are very welcome, Andrea. You’re looking very pretty today.

INT. – NEWS DESK – DAY

ANDREA

Uh, thank you. Seth, this extraordinary painting was valued at 4 million dollars, correct?

INTERCUT CONVERSATION

SETH

That’s correct, Andrea. This was David Miller’s last painting before he passed away. It was a portrait of Sadie Wilson, the woman who was the love of his life. Sadly, his love was unrequited, thus the title of the painting, ‘Unrequited Love.”

ANDREA

Seth-

SETH

Andrea, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you and all your viewers in on a secret of mine. I too have unrequited love. It’s you, Andrea.

LAUGHTER CAN BE HEARD in the studio.

Andrea stifles laughter herself.

ANDREA

Well. I understand you’re working with my husband, Detective Richards to solve this case. Is that correct?

Seth’s shoulders slump.

SETH

Oh. That’s your husband?

ANDREA

Seth, tell me. Have you gotten any leads on who might have taken the painting?

SETH

No yet. Are you happy?

Andrea chokes but quickly recovers.

ANDREA

Um, have you determined when the painting was stolen? I understand you discovered it missing when you opened the museum this morning.

SETH

I have a surprise for you.

Seth begins to SING A LOVE SONG.

More LAUGHTER FROM THE STUDIO.

Andrea looks at her hands and seems to talk to them.

ANDREA

Oh, dear.

She looks back up at the camera.

The floor manager drags a finger across his neck to signal to Andrea to wrap up the interview.

ANDREA

No.

Andrea turns back to the monitor.

More SINGING.

ANDREA

Seth? We’re still on the air. We need to focus now.

Seth stops singing and hangs his head.

ANDREA

Thank you. I’ll ask again, do you know when the painting was stolen?

SETH

Well, it was here when I left last night.

ANDREA

What about the security cameras, Seth?

Seth suddenly looks nervous.

SETH

Uh…There’s nothing on them.

ANDREA

Really? There’s nothing on the security cameras, Seth?

SETH

No, there is not.

Seth sees something or someone.

SETH

Gotta go!

He walks out of the camera shot, but he can be HEARD SINGING.

Andrea stares at the monitor for a second.

She turns to the camera.

ANDREA

Uh, thank you, Seth. Next up, a preview of the weather.

[Robert Smith]

Hi Amy!

T

Very good characters and set-up for future scenes. One technical point: The finger dragged across the throat means ‘cut’ stop the talk immediately. Wrap it up is done by tumbling the hands or index fingers of both hands over one another in a circular motion as if wrapping something.

I’d love to play SETH or ANDREA’S husband. Good sell of both characters even though the husband is not present.

I’d like to request of you to give feedback to my submission which is “Moths Around a Flame: The Making of ‘The Blue Angel'”

Many Thanks.

Bob

Robert R. Smith

[Amy Falkofske]

Hi Bob!

Thanks for reading my scene and the kind words. Thanks for the technical guidance as well. It’s been a thousand years since I worked in TV news so I forgot the sign for wrap it up, lol. I would be happy to take a look at your scene.l

[Robert Smith]

PS80 BOB SMITHS FINA SCENE FOR FEEDBACK EXCHANGE NOVEMBER 9 2021

What I learned rewriting this scene is…?

Rewriting is inevitable, but it is important to measure how by the criterion of character that you’ve developed and now must be revealed. Writing ‘character’ helps sell to a potential actor who might be interested in the role.

This is the opening scene of “Moths Around a Flame: The Making of “The Blue Angel.”

Title card: BERLIN – AMERICAN SECTOR – AUGUST 1945

EXT. POST WORLD WAR 2 BERLIN AMERICAN SECTOR U.S. ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY.

Letters on the façade spell, U.S. ARMY HEADQUARTERS.

TWO UNIFORMED MILITARY POLICE (M.P.’s) are on guard duty at the gate.

The figure of a man emerges from the rubble, walking toward the M. P.’s. He is EMIL JANNINGS, age 60. He carries an Oscar statuette.

The M. P.’s put their rifles at the ready to aim and shoot.

M. P. #1

(displaying his rifle)

Halt. Who goes there?

JANNINGS

(brandishing the Oscar statuette)

Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I won an Oscar!

The M. P.’s ease up and cross to welcome Jannings.

JANNINGS

Thank you, officers. I am Emil Jannings.

M. P. #1

The actor?

JANNINGS

“Best Actor” for “Last Command” and “The

Way of All Flesh.” I have no official papers

that confirm that that I am who I am. So, I

hope the Oscar will suffice.

M.P. #1

Why did you come here?

JANNINGS

Isn’t it obvious? Why does anybody appeal to

America? For freedom.

<div>M. P. #1
</div><div>

(to M.P. #2)

</div>

He needs to be vetted.

JANNINGS

Vetted?

M. P. #2

You’ll have to speak with Major Kershaw, Mr. Jannings.

JANNINGS

“Major Kershaw”?

M. P. #2

Major Kent Kershaw. Yes, follow me.

M. P. #2 escorts Jannings through the gate and up to the front door of headquarters.

They enter.

INT. U.S. ARMY HEADQUARTERS – OFFICE – DAY.

Jannings is seated at the desk of Major Kent Kershaw, whose name and rank are on a name plate facing Jannings. Jannings has placed his Oscar on the Major’s desk. Kershaw is seated

at the desk, facing Jannings.

KERSHAW

It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. Jannings. “The

Blue Angel” is one of my favorite movies. Your

performance was superb.

JANNINGS

Thank you for saying so. I am seeking

political asylum in your American Sector.

I’d like to return to Hollywood. I lived

there once, you know. I hope to revive

my acting career.

KERSHAW

Well, to give you the privileges you

request, you have to appear before a panel.

I will advocate for you as best I can, but

you must explain, how did an actor – a man

of your stature allow himself to be used

by the Nazis in propaganda films.

JANNINGS

That’s easy. I did it in order to survive. Had I

refused, the Gestapo would have carted me off to

God- knows-where. I am sixty years old, now. I put up

with twelve years under Hitler. I do not want to live

in the Soviet Sector for the rest of my life under

Stalin. That’s why I am here.

KERSHAW

Tell me all about it. The panel must be satisfied

that you do not need de-nazification.

JANNINGS

De-nazifiecation? I never was a Nazi.

KERSHAW

Tell me how it happened that you were used by

the Nazis

JANNINGS

Well, I’ll tell it as best as I can remember. In fact, it all

goes back to the time of the making of “The Blue Angel.”

It was 1929, your Stock Market crash was devastating to

Germany. Nazi Party membership soared. I experienced

the violence of the Stormtroopers, first hand. It was on

an evening, early in the production, when Marlene

Dietrich treated us all to a night on the town. Marlene and

I didn’t get along, but she invited me, I think, as a peace

offering.

AT THIS POINT JANNINGS STARTS TO NARRATE

AS THE STORY UNFOLDS ON THE SCREEN.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Robert Smith. Reason: Revised following feedback

[Rob Bertrand]

Hey Bob,

Nice to see this story taking shape! Jannings is a very interesting character and I loved the moment he walked out of the darkness….holding an oscar. I also get the feeling that he’s desperate to get what he wants/needs. All of the standards are there and it’s a wonderful set up to the flashback story.

Just a few ideas I had while reading….I think Jannings would use his acting skill and reputation to try and bully the guards to get what he wants. “Don’t you know who I am?” Maybe the conflict comes when the two MP’s don’t believe him. Jannings would demand to speak to their superior. As an actor myself….I don’t think an actor would admit to being down on their luck. I think the subtext could be Janning and Kershaw both knowing that Janning’s is washed up….but Janning’s plays it like he’s still on top. I like the idea of him claiming to have been held prisoner and made the propaganda against his will. Just my two cents.

looking forward to reading more!

Rob

[Robert Smith]

Very helpful, Rob, as always. Appreciate your suggestions. Jannings was a kind of pain with his demands and tantrums. Good idea to throw one here.

Thank you.

Bob

[Elizabeth Koenig]

Hi Bob! I’ve been meaning to reach out. Are you interested in exchanging at this point? I seem to run chronically behind…

Enjoy your day

[Robert Smith]

Definitely. I’ll have to get back to you later today.

Many Thanks.

Bob

[Elizabeth Koenig]

Wonderful—no hurry. I’ll be back on later this evening, too to look at yours!

[Robert Smith]

Many Thanks.

Bob

[Elizabeth Koenig]

Let me know if my replies to the WordPress emails aren’t reaching you. I’m technology-challenged~

I’m also at: elizabethkoenig18@gmail.com

[Amy Falkofske]

Hey Bob,

It’s hilarious that Jannings uses his Oscar for protection and his official papers. Jannings is definitely an interesting and unique character. One thing that would make this scene stronger is subtext. When asked what he wants, Jannings pretty much spells it all out for them. Try having him be a little evasive like he has something to hide. I like Rob’s idea of having both him and Kershaw knowing that he is washed up but he doesn’t want to admit it. That would give Kershaw subtext as well because he doesn’t want to come right out and say that he knows that Jannings is washed up. Hope this helps.

[Robert Smith]

Hi, Amy!

Your suggestions are helpful. Thank you.

About ‘washed up’: I’ve thought about that and what occurs to me is post-war Berlin is a bomb-crater so everybody is ‘washed up’. Jannings is trying to make a new start but can’t do it until he explains to Kershaw how he came to be used by the Nazis in propaganda films. If Kershaw is not satisfied with his reply, Jannings will have to be denazified which means he is banned from public appearances, effectively ending his acting career.

I’ll percolate on this and see what I come up with.

Many Thanks, Amy.

Bob

[John Budinscak]

I like the way you put Jannings in the thick of things right away, it immediately draws you to the character. War torn area, guns leveled on him, no papers for identification – just his Oscar. To me, he’s a very sympathetic character. He’s 60 and after a dozen years under the Nazi regime, I picture a man aged more by experiences than years. A proud man, a man of achievement, now reduced to having to explain himself and the ‘what and why’ of being a Nazi propaganda tool. He has to start all over with his best years behind him, his world literally in rubble and his most current work makes him a pariah. Very nice opening – and I like the segue to Jannings’ narration as well. Very nice work, Bob.

[Robert Smith]

Thank you, John, for your kind words and analysis of the scene and of Jannings. You picked up on all the points I was trying to express. So, you have been very encouraging.

Many thanks.

Bob

[John Budinscak]

Budinscak Final Scene for Feedback Exchange

What I learned doing this assignment is:

o Go great early in your story and build your characters from there.

o Strong character profiles helps rid the story of inconsistencies.

SCENE:

SUPER: 1986

EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT

Carmine’s, a family restaurant, sits on one end of a large parking lot opposite a funeral home on the other.

INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT

KITCHEN

Music plays from a small radio on an upper shelf.

JACK, late 20s, moves gracefully in synch to the music when he cooks, he’s a natural in the kitchen.

He spins a knife and in one move, slices a loaf of Italian bread in half. Jack pulls a wad of cash from his pocket and stuffs it between the bread halves. He writes ‘F H’ on the bag and stores it next to the radio.

Jack approaches a large pot of sauce and takes a deep breath. He tastes his sauce, closes his eyes and nods.

JACK

This is … intoxicating. Ma, you taught me good.

Knock, knock – someone knocks on the kitchen door.

JACK (sing-songy)

Who is it?

TOMMY (OS)

It’s your brother with two surprises.

JACK

As long as it isn’t those two little ass …

The door opens and TOM, 40ish and bearish, drags two boys behind him, PUCK and SAL, preteen cousins. Jack ain’t happy.

JACK

If it isn’t Puck and Sal. And what brings you two mutts into my kitchen? Tommy, did they come willingly?

TOMMY

They wanted to help bring food to the table, right boys?

SAL

Not really.

Jack’s stare makes Sal look away.

PUCK

Whose benefit is it for Sal and I to help?

JACK

What? You know what would benefit you two? An extended dose of me, but I only do that for nephews I like.

The boys roll their eyes. Jack affectionately cuffs the back of Sal’s head – not too hard, but hard enough.

SAL

Ouch!

JACK

Stop. Puck, grab the meat. Sal, you grab the sauce. Now go.

Tommy holds the door as the nephews carefully exit the kitchen. Tommy laughs as Jack mouths a few expletives.

JACK

Let me throw out some of this trash and I’ll be right there.

EXT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT

Jack tosses a couple of bags of garbage in the dumpster. He stoops to pet an orange tabby cat rubbing against him.

JACK

How’s my, Rusty?

A hearse pulls up to the parking garage and MEN exit. They move to the back and open the door. They struggle with a body bag that jerks around wildly.

JACK

That is one lively dead guy in that body bag.

Jack turns to leave and … steps on the cat’s tail. YEOW! The men by the hearse stop and look over, but they never see the back door of Carmine’s close.

The back door opens, and a hand slips out a saucer of milk.

JACK (OS)

Sorry, Rusty.

INT. CARMINE’S – NIGHT

KITCHEN

Jack walks in and the radio switches from music to news.

RADIO

A key government witness has been reported missing.

Jack hesitates just a second before he shuts the radio off.

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

Jack enters a room full of family – MEN and WOMEN – enjoying food and drink. His sister, CAT, mid 30s, looks like a librarian, but tougher than nails.

TOMMY

Jack, is this Mom’s recipe? Cuz this is …

SAL

Good shit.

CAT

Hey!

Jack cuffs Sal on the back of the head.

JACK

Wrong, great shit!

Puck bursts out laughing first, then everyone follows including Sal.

CAT

Jack, we’re talking about having a party for everyone, like a family reunion.

JACK

Union.

CAT

What?

JACK

It’s a union. How can it be a RE-union if you never had one before?

PUCK

Do you even know what a reunion is?

JACK

Do you know what a U J A is?

Puck shakes his head.

JACK

It’s an Uncle Jack Attack. You boys don’t want that. Ever.

Puck and Sal exchange glances as Jack watches them. They look at their uncle and shake their heads. He smiles and nods.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  John Budinscak.

[Robert Smith]

Excellent setup for your juggernaut story of comic transformation. Idea: Consider casting Jack as the v. o. narrator of his story. (LIke Henry Hill was for “Goodfellas” It would give a view into what’s coming up ahead. If you wanted to go whole hog ahead Scorcesian, or Tarantinian and start somewhere in the middle or not quite the end and play it from there. Just a thought.

Good Luck, John

Bob

Hello, again, John:

If you would, please review and critique my scene also. I appreciate that and value your feedback.

Many Thanks.

Bob

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Robert Smith.

[John Budinscak]

Thanks, Bob – I very much appreciate your input and I like your thoughts on a different starting point. I will check into that.

And I’m looking forward to catching up with Jannings, Marlene and the Director. I will get back with you later this morning. Thanks!

John B

[Janeen Johnson]

John,

I definitely get the feeling that Jack is very selective about what he sees and what he knows about. He sees the guy kicking and screaming and listens just a little to the missing witness story and then shuts it off. Definitely hits that he knows more than he should or wants to.

I like the interplay between Jack, Sal, and Puck. I wasn’t clear whether Sal or Puck was older, but assumed Sal because Jack physically picks on him, but goes easier on Puck. Their relationship with their uncle is clearer here than in earlier versions and I liked that.

Good use of the cat to keep Jack out of sight and good hint to the mob guy that someone from the restaurant saw it when he opens the door and puts out the milk.

Lots of open ended questions about how significant the body bag will be, how Jack seeing it will play out, if the guy in the bag was the witness (presumably so) and why the family hasn’t been “together” before. Great way to open the movie.

[Elizabeth Koenig]

Elizabeth’s Character Intro scene:

What I learned: a brilliant idea to keep a character sheet nearby while writing an intro. Wish I’d learned years ago~

Ed – 78 (primary protagonist of ensemble):

Basic traits

• Responsible

• Avoidant-& restless as a consequence—the trait that changes and carries subtext: Ed’s afraid to say (even to himself) that he’s afraid his feelings (guilt/loss/anger), ballooned over time, are too much to endure. He’s also hiding guilt about sex outside of marriage.

• Caring

• Connecting (collects/mixes diverse ideas/ people)-his brilliance (extremely unique trait)

Character Logline: Ed is a never-married retired psychiatrist whose desire to die—so he can continue to not face feelings he’s forever avoided—gets upended by the chaotic, needy family of his deceased (Junior High first-and-only) love, with whom he’d recently reconnected—especially when he realizes they may be his biological family, too.

Possible Areas of Subtext:

*Diverts/Avoids sharing all intimate details about Susan with retirement home friends, then Susan’s family— but carries Susan’s pictures everywhere (these behaviors cover his guilt over sex and feelings of loss/lost opportunity) <div>

<div>

*Bothered by/changes the subject when sexual comments/innuendoes/jokes are made

(Pointing to subtext): on Ed’s alter for Susan there are both teen and recent pictures, teen necklaces “best friend”-split, both pieces. Ed’s absentee dad’s only piece of advice to Ed gets revealed: “keep what’s in the drawers in the drawers”

*“Ulterior motive-unconscious”—possibly: A Drive “Freud missed” = Ed’s sense of obligation to something bigger/for life “meaning” – which gets him sucked into the family before he realizes his biological connection.

*Ed’s overtly uncomfortable with Jewels’ sexuality, even as he’s clearly aroused

*Everything “church” makes Ed decidedly uncomfortable

Want: to be with (deceased) Susan, after finally, and only briefly, reconnecting with her—and just starting to fully live.

Need: to heal and live more fully (to personally & deeply connect with the living around him-and to continue his work)-but to do so he’ll have to feel the pain of not doing this sooner—which is easier when he can also play (feel joy). Which he first needs to feel safe enough to do.

Paradoxes:

• He’s all about connections, but has never married or had kids

• He’s a multi-modal psychiatrist who helps many, but knowingly avoids doing his own psychological work.

• He’s ‘stuck’ professionally, but the solution to his ‘book’ (needs to think of it as multi-format ‘content’) is thinking expansively, as is his gift. The solution is right there in the “material being” that he is (Ala Freud).

• He’s analytically trained (Freud et.al) but has guilt about sex.

• As a psychiatrist, he’s all about helping people live good lives, but he, himself, lives through others/has always avoided living his own life.

• He avoids the pain of lost opportunity-by repetitively passing up opportunity

Secret: feels like he killed his father when he was 11 with his passion (acid rock music) & feels guilty that he had sex before marriage.

Flaw: avoids the pain of lost opportunity-by repetitively passing up opportunity. He doesn’t do for himself (express love/empathy) what he does for others.

Special: Profound – he has a gift for helping people understand deep things about themselves and the world, by making them feel enveloped/safe enough to look at the hard stuff.

Competing Agendas with…

Linda: (Narcissistic mother of Grace – where the personification of the antagonism is greatest – tho antagonism is our human psychological defenses that keep us from growing, manifested differently in each character) – who in Act III is a little bit helped by the holding/mirroring of the nun, and by the wake-up call of meeting another “Linda” — who is demented

Grace: thinking she’s “found” her deceased bio grandma, Grace wants Ed (who she thinks was Susan’s husband) to be a part of the family. Besides, she’s desperate for his relationship tips since she and her forever-fiancé, Mike can’t seem to get married.

Mike: just wants Grace to be happy. Which means keeping Ed around

Christopher with avoidant traits, similar to Ed. They avoid each other to avoid being reminded they’re avoidant.

Jewels: Grace’s flamboyant great aunt, a minister who will marry Grace and Mike—who sees what Ed does not (wish to) see.

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME ESTATE – TWILIGHT

A tour bus winds heavily-flowered, manicured grounds. Passes a sign: “GARDENS BY THE WATER-Restful Living.” A fountain. Stops at the awninged entrance of…

…the main building. Stucco & soft-light, it could be a 5-Star hotel—but for the wheelchairs & white-uniformed staff.

EXT. GARDENS BY THE WATER – ENTRANCE -SAME

A lift on the bus lowers. LAUREN, 24, leaps from it. Swirls a wheelchair into the waiting hands of a BUBBLY WORKER.

BUBBLY WORKER

(Fussing as she pushes)

Welcome back Don! Was getting out exactly what you needed?

(And)

Shall we go to your room first?

We can’t hear Don’s answer, with the lift screeching back up and a ruckus at the front of the bus—.

BUS DRIVER (O.S.)

Dr. Cummings! You need to wait for Lauren!

DR. ED CUMMINGS (O.S.)

(Pushes the bus door open)

What I need is out! We’re 20 minutes late!

But Lauren’s got this. Directs a WORKER to the lift’s next chair, as she rushes to help DR. CUMMINGS, 76, who—

Receded hair and overcoat. Circle Glasses. The beard. This could be Sigmund Freud, re-incarnate who—

Brushes Lauren off. Unsteady on the bus’ steps before he’s a rock star on solid ground. Even with huge grocery bags.

LAUREN

(Hovering, nonetheless)

Dr. Cummings! Can I help?

ED

No. Thank you. No.

A bag in each hand, Ed nods, polite to OTHER HELPFUL WORKERS as he sprightly rushes to the door of resting nirvana. Where he…

INT. GARDENS BY THE WATER – FOYER – SAME

…is thwarted by a foyer filled with: evening wear and sparkling conversation of the residents and their families. The sound-system strains of (maybe) “If I had a Hammer”.

As Ed squeezes by woman on a knee scooter—

ED

Excuse me. Pardon.

Now recognizes the woman—

ED

Mae! A step forward! Less pain?

WOMAN (MAE)

Better every day.

ED

(Genuine)

Wonderful! Fantastic.

WOMAN

Are you—

But Mae’s good news has freed Ed to move on. To try to squeeze past a large, LOUD GROUP.

ED

(Louder)

Pardon! Excuse me!

The group doesn’t hear. So, shifting both bags to one hand—

Ed turns a thin profile between the group and a LONELY MAN in a walker. Whose sad eyes…Ed can’t help it. Despite being pained by the delay—

Ed grabs the arm of a man, DON WATERS, 70’s, wheelchair—from previous.

Indicating the lonely man—

ED

Don. Did you know Mack has one of those headlamps you need…

Watching Don turn to the man, Ed backs into A FRAIL WOMAN

ED

Oh! pardon. I’m so sorry!

Ed steadies the woman—and now bumps an easel. Its framed announcement: “The Kingston Trio! HERE at 7 PM!” …

…topples. Which Ed barely catches—as WADE AND JUDY CLEVELAND, 70’s, Judy in heels and pearls—

WADE JUDY

ED! Dr. Cummings!

Faces lit up like Ed was their kid. Ed kisses Judy’s cheek. Shakes Wade’s hand.

ED

Judy. Wade

JUDY

Oh, Doctor! Sit with us. Please?

Wade watches as Ed replaces the announcement—

WADE

Our local three-some, right here!

ED

(Wincing)

I’d really love to. But I’ve got to get back. It’s—. Well—

JUDY

(helpfully)

Your book! Of course. You’re such an important man! So much wisdom to share with the world. Wade and I wouldn’t dream of keeping you—

Wade pulls a handful of whisky samplers from a pocket—

WADE

But Henry McKenna would. Ed. Just once? A little liquid fun?

Ed’s discomfort’s worse, some reason, as he sees through glass doors: the dining area—setup for a concert. STAGEHANDS testing equipment on a stage.

ED

My loss. Truly. But Wade, I want you to enjoy your beautiful bride.

Judy and Wayne clasp hands like teens. A half-century of affection as—

Shadows of loss on Ed’s face. Before he heart-pluck reacts to a sound-check riff on the stage. Wade notices.

WADE

(Tries to distract)

Say—you have a publisher? I got a friend—

ED

(Impatience leaking)

Yes. Thank you. G’night.

Ed’s next turn is decisive. But, literally in his face—

PAT

Dr. Eeeee! Paar-tyy!

PAT LOWE, 79, is a weathered, hippy motorcycle chick, as incongruous, here, as fireworks at a funeral. With history between them—and everything Ed has—

ED

Pat! I know it’s not your first choice in music. But I’m sure it’ll be fun.

Ed steps to the side. Pat blocks. Another step that Pat blocks—with palms on his chest. Ed goes rigid.

PAT

Don’t be a spaz, Ed. You really don’t want to miss this!

The WORK it takes to erect Ed’s Therapist Frame—we see it.

ED

Yes, Pat. I do.

(Draws her attention to—)

But you don’t want to miss…

…a TUX-CLAD WORKER with an appetizer tray. Pat leaps at it like Ed knew she would. Now, as dining doors open—

People getting ahead! Pat grabs a handful of clams. Climbs over a chair. Pushes to the front. Ed’s years of practice—this still astounds.

Ed turns again. Now into the arms of LINDA, 82-delightfully demented.

LINDA

The music, Mr—! My life is complete! Dance with me?

Suddenly Linda’s concerned—

LINDA

Oh, dear. Mr.— I can’t remember—

More of Ed’s life’s work—Dementia, not the dancing. But the frame, here, is the Foxtrot, and with—

Ed’s able lead (to, maybe, “Scotch and Soda.”) —

ED

(Soothing)

Dr. Cummings, Linda. I’m Dr. Cummings.

For a moment, Linda finds herself again—in Ed’s eyes. In those beautiful movements, long-etched in her soul.

Somehow we know Ed will be here for as long as he’s needed. But we’re grateful when Lauren takes Linda’s arm and—

LAUREN

Mrs. Uptagraff. It’s showtime!

Lets Ed move again…

INT. GARDENS BY THE WATER – HALL – CONTINUOUS

…down a hall. Slower. Nods at a few straggling residents, one pushing a raised bed bearing a NUN. Everyone going the opposite direction from Ed.

Thank you to anyone who reads and comments!

</div></div>

[Robert Smith]

Hi, Elizabeth!

You have whetted my appetite for more of Ed and his relationship with all these characters and the characters with each other.

I can see Ed’s defensive avoidance. It makes me ask, how will he end up? But that’s the question i’m sure you want to raise.

I look forward to seeing more.

I hope you find these remarks helpful.

Bob

[Elizabeth Koenig]

Thank you Bob—very helpful to get a read on how the characters are landing and the set-up for the arc. I sure appreciate your time.

And I am VERY excited about your work—for many reasons. Loved the Oscar (of course, as did others) and much else. I could comment now or (in case you think this could be helpful) if I could see your character sketch I may have more ideas. For better AND worse, I’m super character-driven by temperament and training. My novel critique partners find me less helpful when it comes to plot thoughts/visuals than character. Anyway a thought… I also may be able to find this if I go back and figure out which day we posted this. I’ll look~

Have a great day

[Robert Smith]

Thank you, Elizabeth for your kind words, encouragement and suggestions. I’ll post to you my character sketch of Emil Jannings. Although, I have to go to a memorial service momentarily so I may not be able to squeeze that in until tomorrow. BTW, the Oscar incident is a fact. I am character driven too although I plot from the end I want to reach.

Best Always,

Bob

[Robert Smith]

Hello, Elizabeth

You had requested my character sketh of Emil Jannings. It follows. In advance, thank you for your attention to this and your thoughts.

EMIL JANNINGS: (45) rotund Oscar-winning actor who seems to have an ability to strut sitting down, both on camera as the Professor and off-camera. He portrays Professor Rath who is infatuated with the cabaret singer, Lola Lola (Dietrich).

Trait 1: Jealousy (of Dietrich as a rival to his star-status in “The Blue Angel”).

Trait 2: Imperiousness.

Trait 3: Fear (of his career viability in an industry in which his German accent has cost him work in ‘talkies’ and with the apparent near-future Nazi domination of Germany and the fact that he has a Jewish mother.)

Wants/needs: To maintain star-status in “The Blue Angel” which he believes Dietrich has undermined with the unwitting collaboration of the director, von Sternberg, who has devoted himself as mentor to her.

Paradox: ——-

Secret: He is attracted to Dietrich.

Flaws:

Flaw 1: He over reacts and over-acts.

Flaw 2: He is sullen. He throws tantrums at perceived slights.

Flaw 3: Although married, he has a roving eye and has harassed actresses on the sets of all his movies which caused problems in the productions.

Special: He is a great actor and has had an illustrious career in Germany and Hollywood.

Logline: Emil Jannings is the Oscar-winning star of “The Blue Angel” but is jealous of Marlene Dietrich whom he fears will undermine his star-status.

WHAT WOULD JANNINGS DO/SAY?

What would Jannings do/say through his trait of jealousy?

He has complained from the beginning that Dietrich is upstaging him and undermining his stardom and has taken away from him the creative partnership that he previously enjoyed in many projectswith director von Sternberg because von Sternberg devotes himself full time to mentoring Dietrich to the exclusion of Jannings and others.

What would Jannings do/say through his trait of imperiousness.

He demands attention and to be listened to when it comes to his complaints. He does not get support from fellow actors in the cast, Kurt Gerron and Hans Albers. Which only further frustrates him.

What would Jannings do/say with his fears about his stardom in “The Blue Angel.”

He falls into his pattern of sullenness and tantrums.

What would Jannings do with his fear of the Nazis and the safety of himself, his family and his Jewish mother?

He only confides with Albers and Gerron as they are anti-Nazi. The love of Albers’ life is Jewish and Gerron is a Jew.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Robert Smith. Reason: To put in form of message

[Rob Bertrand]

Hey Elizabeth,

Wow, this one really resonated with me. My grandfather spent the last remaining years of his life in a retirement community. I was alway fascinated by the little clicks that formed around the facility and was always bummed when we lost someone.

Your character Ed is wonderful and I could clearly visualize his trip through the elderly obstacle course in front of him. Each character description flowed well and gave me a good sense of what they were about. I think my only feedback would be for Ed and his anxiety as he keeps getting pulled in different directions with people. You may want to show some physical signs of his anxiety. Like fingernails digging into his palm. Or a scowl forming on his face unknowingly. Part of that defensive avoidance thing…

Overall, I loved it. Great job!

Rob

[Robert Smith]

REVISION OF SCENE

This is the opening scene of “Moths Around a Flame: The Making of “The Blue Angel.”

Super: BERLIN – AMERICAN SECTOR – AUGUST 1945

EXT. POST WORLD WAR 2 BERLIN AMERICAN SECTOR U.S. ARMY HEADQUARTERS – DAY.

Letters on the façade spell, U.S. ARMY HEADQUARTERS.

TWO UNIFORMED MILITARY POLICE (M.P.’s) are on guard duty at the gate.

The figure of a man emerges from the rubble, walking toward the M. P.’s. He is EMIL JANNINGS, age 60. He carries an Oscar statuette.

The M. P.’s put their rifles at the ready to aim and shoot.

M. P. #1

(displaying his rifle)

Halt. Who goes there?

JANNINGS

(brandishing the Oscar statuette)

Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! I won an Oscar!

The M. P.’s ease up and cross to welcome Jannings.

JANNINGS

Thank you, officers. I am Emil Jannings.

M. P. #1

The actor?

JANNINGS

“Best Actor” for “Last Command” and “The

Way of All Flesh.” It’s inscribed right here on

the Oscar.

M. P. #2

We need to see your papers.

JANNINGS

You bombed Berlin into rubble and you want

papers? I have no official papers. I hoped the

Oscar would suffice to as to my identity.

M.P. #1

Of course it does. What brings you here?

JANNINGS

I want to speak to your superior.

M.P. #1

What for?

JANNINGS

“What for”? For my freedom. political asylum in the freedom

of your American Sector and maybe in America.

I once lived in Hollywood, you know. I want

to revive my acting career.

M. P. #2

He needs to be vetted.

JANNINGS

Vetted?

M. P. #2

You’ll have to tell your story to Major Kershaw, sir.

Follow me.

JANNINGS

Good. Major Kershaw.

M. P. #2 escorts Jannings through the gate and up to the front door of headquarters.

They enter.

INT. U.S. ARMY HEADQUARTERS – OFFICE – DAY.

Jannings is seated at the desk of Major Kent Kershaw (late 30’s), whose name and rank are on a name plate facing Jannings. Jannings has placed his Oscar on the Major’s desk. Kershaw is seated at the desk, facing Jannings.

KERSHAW

It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. Jannings. “The

Blue Angel” is one of my favorite movies. Your

performance was superb. I am surprised you did

not win an Oscar for your performance as Professor

Rath.

JANNINGS

I am surprised an Oscar did not go to Miss

Dietrich for her legs.

Both laugh.

KERSHAW

I’d like to know about the making of “The

Blue Angel.” But we have things to discuss.

What are you seeking by coming to our

Headquarters?

JANNINGS

For political asylum in the freedom

of your American Sector and maybe in America.

I once lived in Hollywood, you know. I want

to revive my acting career.

KERSHAW

Well, to give you the privileges you

request, you have to appear before a panel

and explain some things about your background.

I will advocate for you as best I can, but

you must explain, how did an actor – a man

of your stature allow himself to be used

by the Nazis in propaganda films?

JANNINGS

That’s easy. I did it in order to survive. Had I

refused, the Gestapo would have carted me off to

God- knows-where. I am sixty years old, now. I put up

with twelve years under Hitler. I do not want to live

in the Soviet Sector for the rest of my life under

Stalin. That’s why I am here.

KERSHAW

Tell me more. The panel must be satisfied

that you do not need de-nazification.

JANNINGS

Uh, what happens in de-nazification?

KERSHAW

It means you can no longer make public appearances.

JANNINGS

You would end my acting career? De-nazification! I

never was a Nazi.

KERSHAW

That is what you must prove to me and to the panel. In short, if

you were not a Nazi, you must explain how you came to be used

by the Nazis.

JANNINGS

Well, I’ll tell it as best as I can remember. In fact, you will

be pleased to know that it goes back to the time of the

making of “The Blue Angel.”It was 1929, your Stock Market

crash was devastating to Germany. Nazi Party membership

soared. I experienced the violence of the Stormtroopers,

first hand. It was on an evening, early in the production,

when Marlene Dietrich treated us all to a night on the town.

Marlene and I didn’t get along, but she invited me, I think,

as a peace offering.

AT THIS POINT JANNINGS STARTS TO NARRATE

AS THE STORY UNFOLDS ON THE SCREEN.

[Amy Falkofske]

Bob,

I like the improvements you made to the dialogue. There’s some verbal sparring in this version that makes the scene more interesting.

[Robert Smith]

Hi, Amy!

I am still working on the scene, making Jannings more abrasive and evasive with the M. P.’s.

Thanks for reading my scene, your encouragement and suggestions.

Bob

[Julia Keefer]

Exchange scenes with introductions of main characters bursting onto the screen:

EXT. SUMMIT – GARDEN ROOF- SUNRISE
IBRAHIM AL HARBI and his ten year old son OMAR arrive to pray as the sun rises behind the crowded skyline of Long Island City.

IBRAHIM

The Summit brings us closer to God.

His daughter CORAL works on the roof garden with KISELE FELDMAN, also ten years old.

KISELE
Nature is our God.

Ibrahim clenches his fist with this blasphemy but prepares the prayer mats.

SANDRINE, his wife, and DELPHINE, the other triplet, are doing band exercises with JAKE LA ROCHE, a 40 year old trainer.

IBRAHIM

Turn off the music. Prayer time.

Jake switches his phone to loud, resonant call to prayers in Arabic as the women twist and stretch more vigorously.

IBRAHIM
No, bro. Off, now!

Jake is a people pleaser, so he salutes and mumbles “rain check,” to the ladies.
JAKE
You’re the boss. They know what to do, or not. Damn Best Butt Ever, they got the wings of angels! I gotta client uptown. Later.

Jake flies off the roof like a hornet on speed.

The ladies finish their exercises gracefully as Ibrahim and Omar go through their rituals on the wings of angels because the other four members join them. Ibrahim blows kisses to everyone, avoiding contact, puts on an N95 mask, takes the elevator, gets his car out of the garage, and drives on the FDR.

EXT. EAST RIVER
Sixty-something BOAT BOB splashes on to the scene at sunrise by decamping his homeless tent beside the East River, Cloroxing everything so the park police won’t take note and smell humanity, and transforming himself into a clean, middle-aged, middle income hiker with a large backpack, expensive sneakers, and fashionable jogging outfit. A fancy electric car slows down and veers off the FDR.

INT. CAR – DAY
Ibrahim picks up Boat Bob, quickly transformed from a homeless man camping out by the East River Esplanade to a clean, sixty-year-old hiker with a big backpack.

EXT. GW BRIDGE – DAY
Looking at the signs and the net.

IBRAHIM
Suicide is haram in Islam unless it is Jihad. You are not alone. Call 911.

BB
This is the choice place for non-essential New Yorkers to commit suicide. Falling off this magnificent, famous GW bridge is dramatic. And it’s like winning the lottery—a tiny chance you will be saved by global attention.

IBRAHIM

Don’s say commit because you can’t criminalize the desperate acts of the marginalized mentally ill. The politically correct say complete suicide. T

BB
I like death too much to end it forever. I need to keep enjoying it as long as I can. But then I flunked out of school with Incompletes.

They notice Jake running with his client.

IBRAHIM
Now there’s a man who uses every second. He was training my family at dawn on the roof.

Once on the Jersey shore, Jake leaps up the side rocks and pockets a small sharp basalt rock from the Palisades cliffs.

BB

Don’t tell me Jake also throws stones.

IBRAHIM
Fermes ta gueule. Fermez la bouche. It’s a pandemic!

BB
I realize you are too polite to say shut the fuck up.

BB covers his face and soul with a face shield and N95 mask. He pulls sanitizers out of his backpack and refills them with condensed COVID as if he were methodically preparing for a camping trip.

5) EXT. PALISADES – DAY
Ibrahim and BB pick up LITONYA LENAPE, a geologist at the Earth Observatory who gets into the car with a bag of rocks. No hellos, or how are you, this world-class 45 year old rock climber is a woman of direct discourse.

LITONYA
I love nature. I would kill my fracking father again. I am not reformed after seven years in jail.

BB
After seven months in jail I transformed into a better citizen. By the way, those are beautiful stones—they’d make gorgeous jewelry.

LITONYA
I hate jewels and cosmetics.

BB
You are naturally beautiful.

It is important to
pretend to be honest, matching her on the nose dialogue with his friendly
rejoinders, but the truth is that he deserves to spend seven lifetimes in jail,
or worse.

[Robert Smith]

Hi, Jula!

Technical point: If the rock scene is supposed to be at the Jersey Shore, there are no palisades at the Jersey Shore which is on the Atlantic coast of NJ. Palisades are on the New Jersey side of the Hudson River. I grew up in Englewood, NJ only a few miles from there and visited both the top of the cliffs and the bank below it, where they would be rock-hunting.

You have created intriguing characters. If this is your opening scene, I didn’t get a feel for where it’s going and the relations between these particular characters. Also, suicide even for Jihad or any circumstances would not be acceptable to mainstream Muslim clerics – are you building up Ibrahim Al-Harbi as the head of a Jihadi group in which suicide for Jihad is acceptable?

Would you consider more development of the characters and their relationships? More dialogue between them to express those relationships, plus, who among them is the protagonist?

I am intrigued with where the relationship may go (or has been) between the Muslim and the Ashkenazy Jewish girl Kisele Feldman with whom there is a religious dispute.

From where in the Arab or Muslim World does the Al-Harbi family originate? Is it a country that once had a large Jewish population, e.g., Morocco, Tunisia, Egypt, Israel/Palestine, or Iraq? (I once lived in Egypt.)

There might be some rich material there.

You have an intriguing mix of characters.

I hope this is helpful.

Feel free to contact me at RobertRSmith4646@comcast.net, if you like.

Bob

[Jodi Harrison]

Jodi’s final scene for feedback exchange

When filling your scene with your Character’s profile of traits and the other elements, it is best to go back and make sure there is insight, action, dialogue and attack/counter added into it. By filling your scene with as many elements as you can of the characters, it will serve to make your scene much more interesting.

I know it wasn’t asked, but I listed Pam’s profile here for reference to this scene.

Pam Karras’ Profile:
Character Traits: Tenacious, Compassionate, logical, Aggressive
Pam’s subtext in this scene is she wants to maintain her leadership

Want/Need: She wants life to be fair and just for all, she needs to feel unconditionally loved.

Paradoxes: tenacious and aggressive in her work, Pam is easy going and doesn’t like conflict or getting too involved in others issues, but she soon finds it hard to ignore the struggles of others.

Secret: Pam and friends were arrested for drug possession one night while in college. They belonged to the owner of the car, and Pam was innocent.

Flaw: Fear of public speaking, eats when she feels anxious or focusing.

Special: She listens and sings to show tunes.

<div>Pam Karras:

Is the lead
investigator in a possible homicide.

She knows her
dictum holds sway with most people in her town. She shows compassionate to someone who’s died.

Being a
compassionate and somewhat aggressive person, Pam bars the local reporter from
entering the crime scene, trying to respect the dead girl from sensationalism.
</div><div>

</div>

EXT. CANYON FIELD – DAY

Karen Bailey’s car is crushed and dented at the crime scene. The sloped field where Karen’s car rests is sixty yards from the curved highway. Yellow crime scene tape block any unauthorized people from approaching the scene. DETECTIVE SALT AND DETECTIVE MILLER, along with the local CORONER, JEB are diligently working the crime scene. Show tunes are blasting in this canyon, which creates a loud echo. The show tunes and the echo get louder with each second.

EXT. CANYON ROAD SHOULDER – SAME

A police car pulls up blasting the show tunes, and a noticeably off key voice shouting along to the music. The car stops, the canyon is quiet and peaceful. PAM KARRAS, a police officer, steps out of the car. If in a perfect world Pam would have loved to be a hoofer, singing and dancing are her passions, but unfortunately she’s tone deaf with two left feet. Whip smart with piercing eyes, she has follow-up questions before you’ve even finished your sentence. Her handicap is often failing to read subtext, which can be a challenge in her line of work.

EXT. CANYON FIELD – SAME

Ducking under the perimeter tape Pam heads towards the wreckage, the two officers meet her and give her the rundown on the findings so far.

PAM

What’ve we got?

DETECTIVE SALT

It’s a rollover, the occupant is deceased, Jeb is examining the site, he should be able to tell us what’s up.

Detective Salt walks towards Coroner Jeb.

DETECTIVE SALT

Jeb, what’ya got?

The Coroner glances Detective Salt’s way, smiles and looks past him to address Pam as she approaches him.

CORONER JEB

Jeez, that pin’s all you got for your twenty mark?

PAM

Budget cuts, what can I say.

CORONER JEB

That’s our local girl scout, taking one for the team.

Detective Miller chuckles quietly.

DETECTIVE SALT

She should have at least gotten a goody two shoes badge.

They all laugh, they all seem like friends.

PAM

Funny, funny, funny, you guys are hilarious. What’ya got Jeb?

CORONER JEB

(Still a little amused)

Okay, Switching gears. Without further examination she looks to be in her mid-teens. I see trauma to her head from the car rolling, but her death was caused by her broken neck. It appears there’s internal bleeding.

Pam nervously downs Peanut M&M’s while listening to him. The Coroner looks at her curiously.

CORONER JEB

Good huh?

PAM

Peanuts are my jam. Can’t get better than wrapped up in chocolate. Such a baby, I never get used to this.

Pam eats more M&M’s. Jeb nods in agreement.

PAM

I’ll quit when I do.

CORONER JEB

Yep.

(beat)

Okay. Once you’re finished, let me know, we can’t know specifics without the autopsy.

PAM

Of course, thanks, Jeb.

The Coroner walks past her. A second thought for Pam.

PAM

(loudly)

BLS been called?

CORONER JEB

(Shouting back to her)

I think one of your Officer’s took care of that.

PAM

(Shouting to the Detectives)

Who called the BLS Unit?

The Detectives look at each other, speaking in low voices.

PAM

(Straining to hear them)

Hey, I flunked mind reading in school, someone tell me the unit has been called to pick her up!

DETECTIVE MILLER

(clueless)

Hmmm, I didn’t have that…

PAM

Seriously!?

Enlightenment comes across Detective Miller’s face, Pam gestures with a finger salute and nod to Miller as she lean into Karen’s car on the passenger side.

DETECTIVE MILLER

(smiles)

Oh, I gotcha.

DETECTIVE SALT

Miller, I asked you to do ONE thing!

Detective Miller’s smile is quickly gone as he gets on his phone and makes the call.

DETECTIVE MILLER

I’m on it, I’m on it.

INT. KAREN’S CAR – DAY

PAM

This is curious.

With clear gloves on, Pam picks up a piece of chipped wood from floor. Detective Salt leans into the car opposite Pam where Karen’s body is slumped and buckled in.

DETECTIVE SALT

A wood chip. That’s odd.

Salt looks around the floor of the driver’s side, then Karen’s clothing and crevice of the seat.

DETECTIVE SALT

There is nothing anywhere else in the car that it broke away from. Where did it come from?

PAM

I wonder if that’s what broke the window? I didn’t see any boulders that could have broken it during the rolling. But just to make sure, comb the pathway of where the car rolled for any rocks, boulders or stones.

Have Miller brush every single inch of this car for fingerprints. No stone unturned. Got it?

Pam searches the glove compartment, she pulls out Karen’s registration and the pamphlet the clinic gave Karen earlier that morning.

PAM

Okay. We’ve got a lead here. I’ll check it out.

EXT. KAREN’S CAR – SAME

Pam bags the evidence and starts walking away from the car, peering carefully at the ground.

PAM

We need to find what was at the end of that wood chip. Check Miss Bailey again for woodchips, her hair possibly, and then cover her please.

DETECTIVE MILLER

Who’s Miss Bailey?

Pam stops and looks glaringly at Detective Miller.

PAM

The beautiful young lady who was just robbed of her life. That’s who Miss Bailey is.

Detective Miller looks apologetic.

DETECTIVE MILLER

Oh, sorry.

EXT. CANYON ROAD SHOULDER – SAME

At that moment the obnoxiously intruding town REPORTER SHERRY, exits her car.

EXT. CANYON FIELD – DAY

Pam heads towards her from the field where Karen’s car is.

PAM

Salt, look for signs of force before BLS gets here. What can I help you with Sherry?

REPORTER SHERRY

Looks like a mishap here? What happened?

She continues to walk towards Pam and is close to the block off tape.

PAM

Do not pass the tape, this is a crime scene.

REPORTER SHERRY

That’s exactly why I’m here. I want the who, what, when, where, why and how of it.

PAM

You know I’m not going to give you any information. You’re wasting your time, go on back down the hill now.

REPORTER SHERRY

I can stand here if I want to, it’s a free country, I have my rights.

PAM

Stand all you want, but if you pass this tape, I will arrest you for tampering with a crime scene.

REPORTER SHERRY

You do and I’ll have the Mayor take your badge.

PAM

You threatening a Police Officer?

(beat)

I’m scared

(beat)

Now off with you!

REPORTER SHERRY

You’re gonna be sorry Pam Karras! You can’t keep me from getting the facts.

As she is being threatened, Pam slowly walks towards Sherry while taking her handcuffs out. The Reporter turns and scurries behind her car. Pam stops and crosses her arms, staring Sherry down. Sherry crosses her arms. Pam proceeds slowly again toward Sherry and yanks on the handcuffs. Sherry gets in her car, and drives away. Pam starts chuckling, then turns and walks back towards the accident scene.

[Janeen Johnson]

Jodi,

Pam comes off as complex and 3D. Great work. I’m not sure “who the other characters are” in this scene or if she is the only one being introduced here. The others are not as 3D or complex as her so I’m assuming only she is 1) a main character, or 2) being introduced in this scene. That’s fine. As long as the other main characters are introduced like this in their first scenes.

She’s definitely not the “hardened beat cop” or “good-humored local cop” or any other cliche and that makes her much more interesting. You did a good job of including a lot of her character information organically in the scene. Well done.

While Pam is definitely showcased in the scene, I would like her to have a worthy adversary in the scene as well — emphasis on worthy, with “adversary” in quotes. She seems superior already to everyone in the scene and on a par with the coroner. I’d like to see more conflict in the scene to put a little pressure on her, challenge her in dialogue or show off her intelligence, humor or humanity even if it’s good-natured verbal sparring where she has to think a little to avoid losing a round. Maybe make one of the other characters more 3D here as well so we can see a little more of that.

Lots of data provided organically on the victim. Nice way of having Pam use the victim’s name to humanize her.

This was clearly the advertising piece for an actor to play Pam and that part of it shows a lot of her facets. Nice job!

[Julia Keefer]

Bob: You are fabulous! I just uploaded a snippet because I was trying to be minimal since my trilogy is over 1500 pages in three drafts of novels. I have hiked the New Jersey Palisades many times and watch them once a week from Metro North but thanks for telling me this was too vague. I will return to Sleepy Hollow Cemetery this week because my serial killer meanders around there in a scene. Al Harbi is based on a real Saudi Arabian I met who worked for Al Qaeda but I already wrote a huge novel about terrorism and in my new trilogy, he gives up Islam to be CEO of STEMGARCHS. I too went to Egypt twice for research and taught Arabic literature as part of global literature so I will not make cultural mistakes in my novels. Kisele is a young native American ten year old boy, and all of them have well-researched histories. I am writing this screenplay to force me to finish my last novel and review the structure but I see it is impossible in snippets out of context. So I am not sure how to make the best of this boot camp. I want to submit my trilogy to Penguin by March 2022 with one accompanying screenplay to enhance marketability but I am getting overwhelmed. I must prioritize finishing my last novel over writing the screenplay because that will keep changing but I also want to participate in the class. I know a lot about screenwriting but adapting this is the most challenging thing I have ever done. Thanks for your input because so far, very few people can help.

But YOU did this assignment perfectly! I love the ironic juxtaposition of the narcissistic frivolity of show biz with its desperate need for survival and the devastating reality of Hitler, how de-Nazification might work, and the sparring between your characters. You have a good ear for dialogue. You introduce your characters well and plant questions in the audience’s mind. What is the relationship with Dietrich and Jannings? Is he lying about his work with the Germans? This is a wonderful project and you have the talent to make it work.

[Robert Smith]

Hi, Julia!

Thank you for your feedback and encouragement with your kind words and comprehension of where I am going with Moths Around a Flame. I am in a Casablance-conundrum, IOW, as the writers of Casablanca weren’t sure of the ending, I am not sure of my ending either, even though I know Jannings ends up with de-nazification and his acting career is ended. His ruination parallels the ruination of the professor he played in “The Blue Angel” because of his infatuation with the showgirl, Lola Lola (played by Dietrich). But it’s the getting there to the end. I have it right now that he is to be denazified because not only did he act in Nazi propaganda films, but he campaigned for the Nazi Party in the Reichstag election of 1938, which makes his claim of having been forced to act in Nazi propaganda films a lame explanation. He of course protests that he did it to ‘hide in the open’ but fellow actor and cast-member in The Blue Angel, Hans Albers managed to avoid propaganda films and refused Nazi honors (which Jannings accepted from Goebbels. Jannings was “Artist of the State”). Albers survived the Third Reich and reunited with his Jewish girlfriend.

It looks like you and I may well have been crossing paths in all kinds of ways from the Palisades to Egypt. Did you teach at the American University in Cairo? (I’m an alumnus).

Congratulations in your mega-opus of the novel and screenplay. I appreciate how you say it is a task to submit one scene out of your epic in which details I mentioned are explained elsewhere. I’d like to see your finished project on the page and screen. Even though I missed a few things about the characters and their relationships, you have very rich material to work with, you base your characters on real persons you have encountered, esp. Al-Harbi. Interesting that HARB means war. Was that name intentional for your character? Whether it was or was not, for me, the word says everything about him in one word.

Your suggestions and Rob’s whom you refer to above, have moved me to portray Jannings as more evasive at first. It’s in character. he was moody, easily provoked, and something of a persecution complex. His jealousy of Dietrich for upstaging him as the star grew out of that character flaw. He had a reputation for sullen and surly behavior toward other actors and directors in previous productions also. Dietrich considered him an over-acting bore and a “ham.” Von Sternberg respected him as an actor but ‘tolerant’ at best of Jannings’ antics and tantrums. He once walked off the set and had to be appeased.

Well, again, that you for your feedback and personal contact. I have enjoyed ‘speaking’ with you. Good Luck in your stunning project.

Keep in touch.

Bob

RobertRSmith4646@comcast.net

[Julia Keefer]

Thanks and one quick note: staying up in the air about your ending is fabulous because it will stretch out your dilemmas and heighten suspense.

No, I travelled to Egypt, Morocco, Turkey etc. for research but have always lived in a tiny room in NYC.

I also have done stand up and improvisation and published a funny public speaking book but I really am snowed under with this project. COVID also killed my jobs so I am glad you are happily retired although as one ages, it might be go back to the church.

[Robert Smith]

In retirement I am supplying on Sundays at churches nearby where I live (Elkton MD – where the Rockefeler Plaza Xmas Tree this year originates). I do not wish to go back to active ministry. I was part of an Improvisational comedy group, wrote sketches but also wrote my first full length play “Angels in Gangland.” Because of Covid we had to do it as a Zoom Production. It was deemed by the committee of the Cecil County Independent Film Festival to be admitted as a feature film and it won “Best Full Length Feature Film by the Festival committee and audience. I am revising it as a screenplay adding length and more character development. But first I want to finish “Moths Around a Flame.” That project and the arduous way of securing permission to write it as it is inspired by John Baxter’s “Von Sternberg” has monopolized my time.

Just thought I’d tell you as you have told me so much about your fascinating journey.

Bob

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Robert Smith.

[Michelle Damis]

PS 80 Michelle Damis Final Scene for feedback exchange.

What I learned writing this scene is that there are times when you can relay everything with visuals and sounds and very little to no dialogue, and there are instances (such as this) where a monologue laid over visuals can cover a ton of ground. My process for this character (beginning of the film monologue) was to just sit down and free write and then edit etc… I’m excited to place visuals when I’m finally writing in Final Draft.

INT. COZY LIBRARY-ISH ROOM – NIGHT

An unseen man sits in a leather chair, cozy room with a fireplace.

(**All of this will be V.O/Narrative with many different visuals/glimpses that align with the monologue. I’m only doing the dialogue here for now, so as you read think about what YOU picture in your head, feel free to share some of the imagery that comes to your mind. Thank you!) PS…Punctuation is not a strength of mine…be forgiving and kind!!! I still have nightmares about high-school English.

THE VAMPIRE (Ted or Theo): Where do I begin? The year was 2022, and I was unquestionably the world’s most bored vampire. Yes, you heard me correctly; a vampire, and I was 1000% bored with my existence. Mundane, un-exciting, un-changing, un-ending eternal existence. The worst curse imaginable, really.

One of the worst things was watching the rest of humanity waste. They waste everything. Themselves, each other, the planet, their resources, their time. They repeat mistake after mistake, they never learn. They have no focus, no purpose. Don’t even get me started on greed, and the stupid slips of paper or pieces of metal that they make the center of their universe and the core of almost any decision. I would occasionally find amusement in the fact that humans thought vampires were evil, well the ones that believed in us anyway. I daresay in terms of evil, I don’t think I often would have won that contest put up against any number of mortals. But, I digress, back to boredom. There is a saying “Bored to death”, …I wish! Did you know that a vampire cannot kill themselves? It’s literally impossible. Trust me I tried, and tried, and tried.

Anyways, 2022. I have been existing for over 600 years, I was living in an old, abandoned, historical building, it was quite a gem and it was free. I tried not to use currency whenever possible, it was a little game I played with myself. I played lots of games with myself. I’d been a millionaire several times over, it was easy when you had the time on your hands that I did, but it no longer interested me. It was like taking candy from a baby, which I had done a time or two.

I read a lot, I took pleasure in that, I could have probably passed any number of exams, to be a lawyer, a doctor, an electrician, you name it. Again, time was on my side although I loathed the presence of time simultaneously. When I was a young human, time was something that never seemed to go fast enough. The irony, my great torment, is that it will never go fast enough, it will never go anywhere for me. Oh to be mortal again. To want time to slow, to savor, to pause, to beg for delay of the inevitable mortal condition. I often envy that moment when I am with a human and they know their time is up and they would give anything for more. I envy, but don’t relate at the same time.

I also enjoyed music, especially piano, timeless really. The digression of music over the years to too depressing, so I should really move along.

I spent my days out of the sun sleeping and reading mostly. Nights I would meet other vampire acquaintances out and about (there are a couple hundred of us around the world). We usually met up at places that would be open late, usually nightclubs. All night laundromats were interesting, you wouldn’t believe how many people steal panties out of the laundry, at least there are a few less thanks to me. Anyways, in nightclubs, we would have a few drinks. Alcohol has no effect on us, no taste either, nothing does: but blood. We can eat anything but nothing sustains or nourishes or has flavor: but blood. Human blood is best, animals will do in a pinch. I remember when I first “became”, I was so mad I would never taste a steak again, not that I had many of those growing up as an orphan anyway. The things we take for granted.

One day I came upon a family, I was starving. But for some reason I just couldn’t do it, you might say my tastes had changed. From that point on I choose to, let’s say “take out the trash” with my meals. I made it another game of sorts to pick the most despicable humans I could, I guess I naively thought I could somehow do some good. Evil doing good? I never have made much progress in cleaning things up.