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Day 11 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments.
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9 Replies
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#11. Karen Crider/ Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned: That with time and effort, one can construct scenes out of nothing, give them purpose and reach a reader, holding him/her against their will, one word at a time. I attempt this often. It’s good practice to utilize interest techniques to aid and abet the quality of writing…Thanks.
I chose to write this scene emphasizing competitive agendas, but it also shadows a crucible and has a drop of irony. Writing is like making a cake. It takes many ingredients to lend the batter substance…
EXT. CASTLE – DAY
The kingdom of King Felix, king of the dragons, has been taken. Outside the castle gates, mass confusion assails. His royal servants litter the grounds. Their corpses bloating in the noon-day sun.
INT. CASTLE – DAY
Nurse Phoebe invisibly enters the castle courts. She howls in grief when she finds them in ruin; her brother, King Felix and Queen Sophie, sprawl face down, butchered. Nearby, a bloody sword carelessly tossed, marks their demise. As she turns visible, Nurse Phoebe crouches next to her brother, weeping.
NURSE PHOEBE
What have they done to you, my king? Where are your nobles and sentries, your protectors against these beasts?
Behind her an insurgent lurches toward her. A dragon whose body carries a mucous laden, barnacle-like sheen, that shadows long, sinewy whiskers. His eyes glitter. Tendrils of smoke yellow his fangs.
The courts quake reverberating from his mass. He roars in contempt.
She eyes him.
He circles her. His open maw displays needle-like fangs. He charges, slinging smoke and flame in every direction.
She side-steps him, but with one bound. He sinks his fangs into her shoulder. Blood spurts. She screams and turns invisible.
The insurgent twists and turns every direction, trying to find her. She crawls toward the sword, sticky with her brother’s blood; retrieves it, and attacks, plunging the blade deep within the dragon’s heart. Nurse Phoebe stares visibly into his pitted eyes and smiles. She chops off his head, and kicks it across the court; blood still pulsing, leaving behind its morbid trail.
NURSE PHOEBE (to her brother) Blood for blood. Rest well, dear heart. Your kingdom shall endure.
She takes one last look at her brother, brushes a tear, and leaves.
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Heather’s Uplifted Scene
What I learned from this assignment:
By starting from the beginning and taking the beats, actions and scenes together I could iron out problems with a difficult scene to get a message across in a way that didn’t broadcast the story, but has a little more subtext.
I’ve re-written this scene at least 5 times. While it still isn’t quite ‘there’ yet, it’s the most difficult one in the whole script. I need to establish Ambrose has unfinished business no one knows about that sets up the twist at the end (he has hidden proof of the murders) and that Joe is one of the suicidal teens on the Rez. Without broadcasting everything.
EXT. BACKYARD – NIGHT
Ambrose wanders out the glass door to the backyard. Joe smokes a cigarette on the picnic table.
JOE
Can’t sleep?
AMBROSE
When you get old, everything gets turned around. Sleep in the day, awake at night.
JOE
Oh. So that’s a real thing. I thought the old man was just keeping an eye on me.
AMBROSE
Well that’s his job. One day you’ll do the same with your son.
JOE
Not me. Not havin’ kids.
AMBROSE
Why not?
JOE
Could get stuck with a kid like me.
AMBROSE
What’s wrong with you?
JOE
You saw.
AMBROSE
Your temper? Find another way to express your anger.
JOE
Dude, I try. It always comes out like there’s a fire inside me. A guy like you wouldn’t understand.
AMBROSE
We aren’t so different. When I was your age, I lived on the streets. Can’t count the all the broken bones I had before I finally learned to walk away.
JOE
Who hears you then? My words don’t matter anyway. No one listens.
Joe toys with his knife, drawing it up and down his forearm where the blood vessels show.
AMBROSE
I’m listening.
JOE
Fucking great. So bring back the dead, Mr. Priest. Make everything right.
AMBROSE
I wish I could. Have you ever hurt someone you loved? I mean when you didn’t mean to. When you were just trying to do the right thing?
JOE
I guess so. Ya.
Ambrose watches Joe with the knife.
AMBROSE
A part of you just dies, and it eats at you until you want to end things, just to stop the pain.
Joe slowly puts the knife on the picnic table.
JOE
(whispering)
How do you make it stop?
AMBROSE
Do the hard thing. Tell them you were wrong. Maybe they’ll forgive you. Maybe they won’t. But you have to try to make amends.
JOE
Is that what you did?
AMBROSE
I’m trying. I don’t know if she’ll speak to me or if I’ll live long enough. And I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I don’t have anyone I can trust.
JOE
You ain’t looking too good now, bro.
AMBROSE
And here I thought the new diet was working.
JOE
Hate to break it to you. Mom’s cilantro don’t work miracles. You need to do a sweat with His Spirit Falls. Lives way out in the bush. Ya, he could help you.
AMBROSE
Thank you, Joe, but I think I’m beyond help now.
JOE
You shouldn’t say negative things. That’s what our Elders teach us. I’ll ask him. If he says yes, you come sweat with us. Part of me making amends. Deal?
AMBROSE
(reluctant)
Deal.
Joe holds out a fist. Ambrose gives it a bump like it’s the serpent in the garden of Eden.
JOE
So what d’you need?
Ambrose beacons him closer. He whispers something in Joe’s ear. Joe’s eyes grow wide.
AMBROSE
I’m…I just can’t make it back there.
JOE
Why the fuck didn’t you say something?
AMBROSE
Insurance. Merciful God, I’m actually going to say this – would anyone have cared?
JOE
Shit no. Little Indian kids, that’s all. Fuck!
AMBROSE
Can you… In case I don’t make it. Use your fire. Make them listen?
JOE
Ya, dude. Count on it. Even if it kills me.
Joe stands and sheaths his knife with new found purpose.
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Excellent. Promises a lot to come. Good subtext. Especially the knife on the arm. Do we have or learn the reason for the whisper rather than spoken?
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JUDITH’S SCENE ELEVATION – LESSON 11
What I learned from this lesson is to check that my scenes all are consisting of components that make them entertaining for the audience.
Note: I originally had Emily finding out that she is pregnant and then accepting Rachel into her life without question and going baby shopping. But after some feedback, I decided to get rid of the baby shopping and have a plot point 1 where Emily takes more charge of her life and only lets Rachel in with conditions thinking she has the upper hand since she doesn’t know what the audience knows that Rachel is a killer and scheming to do something to Emily.
OLD SCENE
EXT. BABY BOUTIQUE – DAY
Emily runs up to Rachel. She automatically hugs her. Rachel hugs back, a puzzled look on her face.
Rachel looks around. Points at the baby boutique.
EMILY
I’m pregnant.
A smile forms on Rachel’s face.
RACHEL
That’s great. But you’re going to adopt.
EMILY
Of course. Katie’s a great little girl. She’ll, or he’ll have a big sister just like you and me. And now that we’re…
Rachel opens the door just as a WOMAN,20s, and her BABY in a stroller are exiting.
She holds the door for them.
Adoringly, Emily looks at the baby.
EMILY
How old is your baby?
WOMAN
Six months.
EMILY
She’s so cute.
WOMAN
He.
EMILY
Sorry. Hard to tell at this age.
The woman goes on her way.
INT. BABY BOUTIQUE – DAY
Rachel follows Emily as she walks over to a counter full of baby clothes. She picks up an item. Shows it to Rachel.
EMILY
Look…
RACHEL
I see.
Overcome with excitement, she picks up one item after another.
A SALESGIRL,50s, comes over. She admires Emily’s joy in playing with the baby clothes.
SALESGIRL
First one?
Emily’s startled.
EMILY
Everything is so cute. How do you decide?
SALESGIRL
Boy or girl?
EMILY
I don’t know.
RACHEL
She just found out.
SALESGIRL
Oh…then may I suggest yellow. That way, either way, boy or girl works.
RACHEL
That’s an old way of thinking isn’t it. Aren’t we allowed to dress our kids anyway we want.
Emily approves of Rachel’s comments.
EMILY
Furniture?
SALESGIRL
In the back room.
BACK ROOM
Emily and Rachel walk into a room full of baby beds, dressers, etc. The salesgirl follows.
Walking between the beds, Emily touches each lovingly. She starts HUMMING, ‘ROCK A BYE BABY’ as she arranges pillows and blankets as if a child were in the bed.
EMILY
I guess I better wait until…
Her thought is interrupted by her ringing phone. She listens…
EMILY
That was Eugene.
INT. GROCERY – DAY
Emily pushes a shopping cart through the aisles filling it with items for dinner.
RACHEL
I’ll see you tomorrow.
EMILY
Where are you going?
RACHEL
It’s your special night…
EMILY
The rest of the day is ours, sister. We can cook together like we use to. Catch up.
RACHEL
I don’t know…you.. Eugene…
EMILY
I won’t take no for an answer.
RACHEL
It would be fun.
EMILY
My baby has an aunt.
NEW SCENE
COMPONENTS OF THE SCENE:
Emily is ecstatic that she is pregnant. Rachel shows up to get an answer about reconciliation.
Rachel pleads her case.
Emily accepts with conditions thinking she has the upper hand.
3 SCENE STRUCTURES I AM USING IN THE NEW SCENE
SUSPENSE – Rachel showing up. What is she there to do?
CRUCIBLE – Rachel shows up at Em’s house.
SUPERIOR POSITION – Audience knows Rachel is dangerous and Emily does not.
EXT. EMILY’S HOUSE – DAY
Rachel rings the doorbell. She waits. Peaks through the window. Doesn’t see Emily but Ralphie stands by the window growling.
Rachel moves around the house. Bangs on the back door. Ralphie barks. We see his mouth move, but don’t hear his barks. A silent protest going unheeded. He claws at the door trying to get out but to no avail.
Rachel looks around. She sees the barn/studio and moves toward it.
EXT. BARN/STUDIO – DAY
Approaching the barn doors, Rachel peaks inside. She silently enters. Looks around. Sees an easel with a canvas.
Emily stands at the easel about to paint a picture of an animal. She considers where to start as Rachel watches silently. Then she moves toward Emily.
A squeak. Emily drops her brush, turns toward the squeak. Almost screams at the form of Rachel.
EMILY
What the fuck?
RACHEL
Sorry, you were thinking so hard…
EMILY
Why are you here?
Rachel shrugs.
RACHEL
Gotta go home soon.
Emily cleans her hands. She looks at Rachel. Studying her.
Rachel reaches into her purse. Emily moves back.
Rachel pulls out a piece of paper as an envelope falls to the ground.
RACHEL
I read it. I’m so sorry I caused all that hurt all these years sending these letters back.
Rachel rips up the letter. She picks up the envelope and tears it up. The pieces flutter to the floor.
Emily stares, breathing heavily.
Rachel steps on them and crushes them into the ground.
A sense of relief comes over Emily. She softens. Rushes over to Rachel and gives her a big hug.
Rachel is taken aback, but reciprocates. After a long while, the women release their embrace. Emily smiles at Rachel.
EMILY
Under one condition. Either way it turns out, I will be able to have contact with mom. When I call the nursing home, I will get to talk with her and I will be able to see her.
RACHEL
Not until we give our relationship a try. We keep mom out of it until the final decision.
EMILY
Two weeks…
RACHEL
Two weeks…
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RACHEL
Gotta go home soon.
Emily cleans her hands. She looks at Rachel. Studying her.
Rachel reaches into her purse. Emily moves back.I like this. We assume that she’s reaching for a weapon!
Rachel pulls out a piece of paper as an envelope falls to the ground.
RACHEL
I read it. I’m so sorry I caused all that hurt all these years sending these letters back.
Rachel rips up the letter. She picks up the envelope and tears it up. The pieces flutter to the floor.
Emily stares, breathing heavily.
Rachel steps on them and crushes them into the ground.
A sense of relief comes over Emily. She softens. Rushes over to Rachel and gives her a big hug.I’m not sure I’m following here. This is the return-to-sender letter, right? Wouldn’t she need to explain how she got it? And wouldn’t ripping it up be the ultimate insult to Emily? It seems like she is violently rejecting Emily’s attempts to contact her over the years. And I just think it’s a little out of place that she would rush for a hug after so many years of rejection.
Rachel is taken aback, but reciprocates. After a long while, the women release their embrace. Emily smiles at Rachel.
EMILY
Under one condition. Either way it turns out, I will be able to have contact with mom. When I call the nursing home, I will get to talk with her and I will be able to see her.Does Emily know that Rachel is the reason she can’t see or talk to her own mother? Why wouldn’t she have tried harder to see her mom before? I don’t know if a nursing home wouldn’t allow daughters to visit their mothers. Also, it’s not readily apparent what they are discussing at this point, though it’s clarified with the next line.
RACHEL
Not until we give our relationship a try. We keep mom out of it until the final decision.EMILY
Two weeks…This makes Emily look really weak. Is that your intention? I’m just imagining that if my estranged sister prevented me from seeing my mother in any way…. well, I would be the one killing. 🙂 Also, Emily seems strong enough to steal Rachel’s art (or did she?) and yell at the movers and ignore her husband’s advice about the letters for so many years. But she could be so happy to see Rachel that she would give in more easily.
RACHEL
Two weeks…
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David’s Elevated Scene Structures
“What I learned from doing this assignment is…?” I had to cheat on this one. I could only come up with one change although it could fit three structures. This is a difficult exercise for me. I can’t come up with alternative scene structures from existing scenes. Maybe, if I’m writing new ones, I’ll be able to work them in from the beginning. I will keep trying this assignment.
I was trying to show the event that turned Paul’s dad into a hero. Paul is faced with this to the point he can’t live up to the story and he withdraws. So, I changed the scene to show one or more of Superior Position, Irony or Misinterpretation. However, the structure change affects later scenes where Paul doesn’t realize he is living a myth.
ORIGINAL
Someone died in a heroic rescue. There is a nautical situation. Paul’s dad.
5. EXT. A GULF OIL RIG TODAY – DAY
A large sign says, “CARLTON OIL”.
…Smoke, fire, gouts of flame erupt from the rig. Men clamber down the stairs to…
…two trawlers wait near the rig. One loads survivors. Men scramble aboard. The other trawler stands off as backup.
Those on the boat hold it against the rig to let others board.
No one else comes down the stairs. Both boats pull away.
One last person appears on the stairs. The empty boat turns back. Just as the survivor enters it, the rig EXPLODES in flames…
PAUL (O.S.)
DAD!
Paul is depressed. He is besieged by his father’s memory. He is angry.
6. INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY
PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. He wears pajamas. The clock shows noon.
CHANGED TO
EXT. A GULF OIL RIG TODAY – DAY
Two trawlers are tied up to an oil rig. The two captains, Jack and Paul’s father, talk to some riggers at the base of the stairs. Suddenly there is an explosion and fires start. Paul’s father immediately starts his engines and panicked, pulls away.
Jack yells at him and makes a “come back” gesture while he loads the riggers who have come down the stairs. No more riggers come, and Jack pulls away.
Meanwhile Paul’s father’s boat hits a piling on the way out and his rudder jams. He turns in a circle back to the rig and hits it. He frantically tries to steer out. One last rigger comes down the stairs and the rig blows engulfing Paul’s father’s boat.
PAUL (O.S.)
DAD!
6. INT. PAUL’S ROOM – DAY
PAUL MOUTON, 18, watches a news tape of the death of his father. It shows only the last part of the rig explosion where Paul’s father’s boat is nearing the rig. Paul wears pajamas. The clock shows noon.
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Susan Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is that if I did this process with every scene, I’d have to imagine 1,188 new scenes! But, as time-consuming as it is, it really opens the door to elevating our scripts.
1. EXT. OUTSIDE OF RUBY’S HOME – MORNING
Moving van, half unpacked. John pulls into driveway. Sister appears from front door.
SISTER
I don’t know how you did it! But thank you! I just wish Todd could know how you are taking care of your little sister with him gone.
She takes a box from the van and thrusts it in John’s hands.
SISTER
And now you’re even here to help me move. You’re the best!
JOHN
But. But (squandering) are you sure you’ll be safe here? Out here all alone…
Sister waves him around.
JOHN
I actually heard that not far from here there was a break-in. Are you sure….
But Sister is already in the house, and the door slams shut behind her. The child walks out and takes the box from John, without even looking at him.
Components of the scene:
A. John arrives at the house
B. Sister has already half-moved in
C. John loses but can’t show his anger to Sister
and what I am trying to accomplish:
A. Sister beats John in taking over their grandmother’s house
B. The cold relationship between John and Sister
C. John’s frustration in this new glitch of his masterplan
Mislead and reveal: The door to the house is open, and he goes in and notices several new cardboard boxes by the door. He opens one and it holds his grandmother’s ceramic Hummel knickknacks. He finds more and more boxes, filled with silverware and fancy China. His sister comes in and stops suddenly. John accuses her of sneaking in to steal their grandmother’s valuables. He slams down a box so hard that we hear a dish break. “She’s still alive, you know.” “I know, I’m bringing them to her,” the sister tells him. “I don’t believe that for a moment,” John says. “I’ll bring them myself.” He takes the boxes to his car, which we see (but his sister doesn’t) is filled with his belongings. As he leaves down the long driveway, he passes a moving van filled with his sister’s belongings.
Irony: John shows up at the house. His car is packed with all his belongings. He goes inside the house. His sister comes from the back of the house. “I haven’t thanked you properly for this,” she tells John. “It’s been so hard since Todd died. Trying to raise a child (like that one) [she motions to her son] all by myself. Honestly, I haven’t told anyone, but I was this close to getting evicted. But you saved the day. And, look, you’re even here to help me move in. You are so sweet.” John makes up an excuse and quickly runs out the door to drive away so she doesn’t see that he has brought all his belongings to move in himself. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that she wanted to move in.
Competitive Agendas: John pulls up the driveway in his car, full of his belongings, to see an almost-empty moving van and several rough-looking guys moving boxes inside. He jumps out of the car and runs inside, screaming for his sister. She’s motions to the guys (her friends who are helping her move) to come nearer to her and answers John. They argue about who has the right to live in the house now. Because all of her friends are there, John backs down but mutters, “this isn’t over,” to himself before he tears down the driveway.
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Althea’s Elevated Scene Structure
ELEVATED SCENE STRUCTURE
What I learned from this assignment is using any of the scene structure components adds additional layers (interest) to the scenes.
Title : GOOD SOIL
LOGLINE: Missing her deceased mother and desperate to grow up, a plant-loving middle schooler secretly plays matchmaker for her widowed father, using a popular dating app, against the advice of a talking plant,
INT. RESTAURANT-DAY
Intimate setting with midday brunch crowd. Wait staff navigates through the tables, serving a dull crowd. Soft jazz music plays in the background. ADIRA, (late 30’s early 40’s) a classically beautiful brown young woman, obviously accustom to the finer things of life and MARCUS, a handsome young man who is checking to see who is seeing him, sit together at a table. They hold menus.
ADIRA
I love this place! I’ve never regretted anything I’ve had here. I am going to try something new to go along with my new project.
Marcus puts down the menu.
MARCUS
Hey, hand me your mirror.
Adira hands a mirror to Marcus from her purse. She looks hopefully at Marcus. Marcus ignores her. He looks at himself from all angles. In the mirror, he catches the eye of a young woman at another table. Adira notices this and waves her menu in his face to get his attention.
ADIRA
What are you doing? You are here celebrating with me!
MARCUS
You can’t blame me for appreciating all the beauty around me. You talk about living in the moment.
He continues to eye the woman at the other table.
MARCUS
I’m definitely in a moment.
ADIRA
Marcus, I’m not doing this with you. That’s so disrespectful and if you think I’d be okay with that, you don’t know me at all.
Marcus hands the mirror back to Adira and looks her squarely and intimidatingly in the eye.
MARCUS
I’ve been with you over 6 months, I know you. This new dating app, like all your other so called “great ideas” won’t materialize into anything useful. You are so sure this is going to hit that you’ve decided to focus only on this project.
Adira is shocked and sits staring at Marcus who’s voice is gradually getting louder and louder. The others in the restaurant are watching them.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
I know you’ll loose interest in about a month and we’ll be in some other restaurant doing this all over again! You know, you only have “success” because your Daddy is rich. Anyone who worked with you just wanted to get to your Dad. Thought it was you? Huh?
(Marcus looks at her with pity)
ADIRA
Are you one of those who just wants to get to Daddy, Marcus?
Marcus is silent, confirming the answer. Adira stands up abruptly and gathers her things.
ADIRA (CONT’D)
You may be right about me having a lot of new projects but that’s God’s blessing. I don’t need you to dream with me or believe in my vision. God gave it to me.
She turns and begins to walk away and then turns back to face him.
ADIRA (CONT’D)
You were decent company. Wish you all the best.
Marcus watches Adira leave and then turns his chair around and pulls up to the table of the woman he was eyeing in the mirror.
Components of Scene:
Adira and Marcus are celebrating Adira’s new dating app with lunch.
Marcus has no faith in Adira’s new venture and reveals he’d only been interested in Adira as a way to try to get to her wealthy father.
Adira is determined to maintain her cool and leaves the lunch, head held high.What I’m trying to accomplish:
Introduce Adira as a privileged serial entrepreneur, a little too trusting but now with additional fuel to make this current project (dating app) a success.
Marcus as opportunist and self-serving.
MISINTERPRETATION
INT. RESTAURANT-DAY
Intimate setting with midday brunch crowd. Wait staff navigates through the tables, serving a dull crowd. Soft jazz music plays in the background. ADIRA, (late 30’s early 40’s) a classically beautiful brown young woman, obviously accustom to the finer things of life and MARCUS, a handsome young man who is checking to see who is seeing him, sit together at a table. They hold menus.
ADIRA
I love this place! I’ve never regretted anything I’ve had here. I am going to try something new to go along with my new project.
Marcus puts down the menu.
MARCUS
Hey, hand me your mirror.
Adira hands a mirror to Marcus from her purse. She looks hopefully at Marcus. Marcus ignores her. He looks at himself from all angles. In the mirror, he catches a glimpse of a Bentley Flying Spur parked outside on the curb. Adria thinks he is looking at a young woman at another table. She waves her menu in his face to get his attention.
ADIRA
What are you doing? You are here celebrating with me!
MARCUS
You can’t blame me for appreciating all the beauty around me. You talk about living in the moment.
He continues to eye the car through the mirror.
MARCUS
I’m definitely having a moment.
ADIRA
Marcus, I’m not doing this with you. That’s so disrespectful and if you think I’d be okay with that, you don’t know me at all.
Marcus hands the mirror back to Adira and looks her squarely and intimidatingly in the eye.
MARCUS
I’ve been with you over 6 months, I know you. This new dating app, like all your other so called “great ideas” won’t materialize into anything useful. You are so sure this is going to hit that you’ve decided to focus only on this project.
Adira is shocked and sits staring at Marcus who’s voice is gradually getting louder and louder. The others in the restaurant are watching them.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
I know you’ll loose interest in about a month and we’ll be in some other restaurant doing this all over again! You know, you only have “success” because your Daddy is rich. Anyone who worked with you just wanted to get to your Dad. Thought it was you? Huh?
(Marcus looks at her with pity)
ADIRA
Are you one of those who just wants to get to Daddy, Marcus?
Marcus is silent, confirming the answer. Adira stands up abruptly and gathers her things.
ADIRA (CONT’D)
You may be right about me having a lot of new projects but that’s God’s blessing. I don’t need you to dream with me or believe in my vision. God gave it to me.
She turns and begins to walk away and then turns back to face him.
ADIRA (CONT’D)
You were decent company. Wish you all the best.
Marcus watches Adira leave. He shrugs his shoulders and pulls up to the table and begins to eat.
SUPERIOR POSITION
INT. RESTAURANT-DAY
Intimate setting with midday brunch crowd. Wait staff navigates through the tables, serving a dull crowd. Soft jazz music plays in the background. ADIRA, (late 30’s early 40’s) a classically beautiful brown young woman, obviously accustom to the finer things of life sits at a table.
INT. RESTAURANT- JUST OUTSIDE DOOR – DAY
MARCUS, a handsome young man who is checking to see who is seeing him, stands with a YOUNG WOMAN, 20’s any race. They are obviously taken with each other. They kiss. Young woman comes in and is seated at the table beside Adira. Marcus comes in after Young woman has been seated. They do not acknowledge each other.
ADIRA
I love this place! I’ve never regretted anything I’ve had here. I am going to try something new to go along with my new project.
Marcus puts down the menu.
MARCUS
Hey, hand me your mirror.
Adira hands a mirror to Marcus from her purse. She looks hopefully at Marcus. Marcus ignores her. He looks at himself from all angles. In the mirror, he catches the eye of Young woman. Adira notices this and waves her menu in his face to get his attention.
ADIRA
What are you doing? You are here celebrating with me!
MARCUS
You can’t blame me for appreciating all the beauty around me. You talk about living in the moment.
He continues to eye the woman at the other table.
MARCUS
I’m definitely in a moment.
ADIRA
Marcus, I’m not doing this with you. That’s so disrespectful and if you think I’d be okay with that, you don’t know me at all.
Marcus hands the mirror back to Adira and looks her squarely and intimidatingly in the eye.
MARCUS
I’ve been with you over 6 months, I know you. This new dating app, like all your other so called “great ideas” won’t materialize into anything useful. You are so sure this is going to hit that you’ve decided to focus only on this project.
Adira is shocked and sits staring at Marcus who’s voice is gradually getting louder and louder. The others in the restaurant are watching them.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
I know you’ll loose interest in about a month and we’ll be in some other restaurant doing this all over again! You know, you only have “success” because your Daddy is rich. Anyone who worked with you just wanted to get to your Dad. Thought it was you? Huh?
(Marcus looks at her with pity)
ADIRA
Are you one of those who just wants to get to Daddy, Marcus?
Marcus is silent, confirming the answer. Adira stands up abruptly and gathers her things.
ADIRA (CONT’D)
You may be right about me having a lot of new projects but that’s God’s blessing. I don’t need you to dream with me or believe in my vision. God gave it to me.
She turns and begins to walk away and then turns back to face him.
ADIRA (CONT’D)
You were decent company. Wish you all the best.
Marcus watches Adira leave and then turns his chair around and pulls up to the table of the woman he was eyeing in the mirror.
SUPRISE:
INT. RESTAURANT-DAY
Intimate setting with midday brunch crowd. Wait staff navigates through the tables, serving a dull crowd. Soft jazz music plays in the background. ADIRA, (late 30’s early 40’s) a classically beautiful brown young woman, obviously accustom to the finer things of life sits at a table.
INT. RESTAURANT- JUST OUTSIDE DOOR – DAY
MARCUS, a handsome young man who is checking to see who is seeing him, stands with a YOUNG WOMAN, 20’s any race. They are obviously taken with each other. They kiss. Young woman comes in and is seated at the table beside Adira. Marcus comes in after Young woman has been seated. They do not acknowledge each other.
ADIRA
I love this place! I’ve never regretted anything I’ve had here. I am going to try something new to go along with my new project.
Marcus puts down the menu.
MARCUS
Hey, hand me your mirror.
Adira hands a mirror to Marcus from her purse. She looks hopefully at Marcus. Marcus ignores her. He looks at himself from all angles. In the mirror, he catches the eye of Young woman. Adira notices this and waves her menu in his face to get his attention.
ADIRA
What are you doing? You are here celebrating with me!
MARCUS
You can’t blame me for appreciating all the beauty around me. You talk about living in the moment.
He continues to eye the woman at the other table.
MARCUS
I’m definitely in a moment.
ADIRA
Marcus, I’m not doing this with you. That’s so disrespectful and if you think I’d be okay with that, you don’t know me at all.
Marcus hands the mirror back to Adira and looks her squarely and intimidatingly in the eye.
MARCUS
I’ve been with you over 6 months, I know you. This new dating app, like all your other so called “great ideas” won’t materialize into anything useful. You are so sure this is going to hit that you’ve decided to focus only on this project.
Adira is shocked and sits staring at Marcus who’s voice is gradually getting louder and louder. The others in the restaurant are watching them.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
I know you’ll loose interest in about a month and we’ll be in some other restaurant doing this all over again! You know, you only have “success” because your Daddy is rich. Anyone who worked with you just wanted to get to your Dad. Thought it was you? Huh?
(Marcus looks at her with pity)
ADIRA
Are you one of those who just wants to get to Daddy, Marcus?
Marcus is silent, confirming the answer. Adira stands up abruptly and gathers her things.
ADIRA (CONT’D)
You may be right about me having a lot of new projects but that’s God’s blessing. I don’t need you to dream with me or believe in my vision. God gave it to me.
She turns and begins to walk away and then turns back and goes over to Young woman
.
ADIRA (CONT’D)
He’s decent company but ask yourself, if he was cheating with me, how long before he’s cheating on me.
Marcus watches Adira leave and then turns his chair around and pulls up to the table of Young woman.
MARCUS
Don’t listen to her Baby. She’s just a spoiled Daddy’s girl.
-
Benito Selim’s Elevated Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment is by having several different approaches to a scene you may find better improvements. This can really improve in rewriting your script.
In the original scene I had Paul who is the head park ranger in the everglades conducting a routine patrol. He comes across the severed arm of an alligator attack victim. The scene was relatively calm except for the severed arm surprise. I wanted to amp up the scene by having an attempted attack on Paul and having more description than dialogue.
INT. MOVING BOAT- LATER
Paul patrols the area. A LARGE TREE BRANCH lies in the middle of the swamp river.
Paul grabs A POLE to push the branch aside, it’s too heavy. Paul moves in closer and grabs the branch. AN ARM pops up from under the water.
Paul falls back into the boat. Paul takes a closer look at the arm, only three fingers remain. Paul lifts the arm with the pole. Alligator #1 leaps out of the water and bites the pole.
The arm falls into the boat. Paul lets go of the pole as Alligator #1 BREAKS it in half. Paul falls back into the boat.
Alligator #1 retreats under water, but watches Paul. Paul crawls across the boat as it’s sways hard.
Paul in a cautious manner gets back on his feet. Alligator #1 jumps out the water again and nearly CAPSIZES the boat. Paul grabs the broken half of the pole and jabs it into Alligator #1’s mouth.
Alligator #1 retreats and swims off. Paul immediately starts the boat and speeds off, he removes his CELL PHONE from his pocket.
PAUL
Sam.
SAM
Is your walkie broke?
PAUL
No. I got a situation down here. We got a hungry gator or something on the loose.
SAM
How do you know?
PAUL
We just met.
SAM
You, ok?
PAUL
Yes. See if you can get me, two more patrols out here. I don’t want them making their way towards the tourist area.
SAM
Will we have to shut the park down?
PAUL
No as of now but stay very vigilant. I want everyone left on the ground to meet at the station.
SAM
Got it, hey before you go. What should I do, if Hal questions?
PAUL
I’ll deal with him.
Paul ends the call.
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