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Day 11 Assignments
Reply to post your assignments.
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17 Replies
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Lenore Bechtel’s Query Letter Draft ONE
I learned from this assignment is that the query should go only to producers who’ve made the same genre movie in the same budget range. And. Only a hook, not the plot, is enough for a query.
Dear Producer:
Title: SWEETIE HEAVEN
Genre: Romantic
Comedy
How can Meredith sing her own style and not alienate her Sweet Adeline family and remain a virgin and not lose her horny boyfriend?
Meredith’s tired of barbershop, but Gran—one of the founding Sweet Adelines—needs her singing lead in her quartet (the Dapper Dolls) to win the 1984 Gulf-Atlantic Regional and get her first chance to compete nationally. Will she stop going rogue on stage, and straighten up and sing straight barbershop?
Meredith turns down Quincy’s marriage proposal one moment, and sees him taking Sexy Squaw to a drum circle the next. She dumps him, but wonders, was she loony for refusing to be engaged if the diamond came with sexual expectations?
Even though a last-minute rule change prevents Meredith from singing with Gran at Regional, a surprise fill-in saves the night and they win. But Meredith’s new quartet, The Rhythmettes, steals the show causing squealing young females to swarm the stage to hug quartet after they sing “Biblical Brushoff” about dumping guys who pressure gals for pre-marital sex.
The after-show action ends this musical movie when Quincy sings a proposal to Meredith, promising to honor her chastity vow and keep it himself if she’ll let him place a ring on her finger.
Gran wishes outloud for a fourth generation Sweet Adeline, and all backstage listeners form a circle, kick, throw their arms toward Sweetie Heaven, and shout, “It’s great to be a Sweet Adeline.”
I am a multi-produced playwright and a former Sweet Adeline who knows this could be cast with any winning SA chorus (500 worldwide), making it low budget, but box office appealing.
If you’d like me to send a script that merges MUSIC MAN with STRICTLY BALLROOM and supports chastity until marriage while spoofing barbershop zealots, I’ll be in sweetie heaven the moment I get it out to you.
Harmoniously,
Lenore Vinyard Bechtel
306 S. 1st. Street, Eufaula, OK 74432 lbechtel@consolidated.net 936-499-7694
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Hi, Lenore,
I think your idea is great and your letter shows that you are an expert in this field. You may want to consider putting your credentials at the beginning- to show you are an expert at telling THIS story.
You may want to consider reading through your letter- and pull the points that are the absolute most important – the ones that are the most interesting– and use those. Shorten up your letter to make it read very quick and tight.
I think you have an interesting story- and I would be sure there are plenty of producers who would look at your script. Definitely women’s angles such Lifetime/ Oxygen or others like this.
Great work– and a very thoughtful story!
Best wishes!!
Nancy
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John Stimson’s Query Letter Draft ONE
4. What I learned doing this assignment is the query letter like writing itself is all about editing, editing, editing; trimming and finding the best words, and in this case, too, the best hooks.
3.
Title: THE TERRORIST
Written by: John Stimson
Genre: Suspense / Thriller
My research into bomb technology and federal courthouse construction when writing “The Terrorist” was so in-depth that I discovered that I was being surveilled.
I told the two LAPD cops that I played golf with that if I didn’t show up for one of our Monday tee times to come and look for me in the system, because I had probably been arrested. “The Terrorist” won Best Screenplay at the 2021 Paris Film Festival. I earned my bachelor’s degree at the University of Southern California’s School of Cinematic Arts.
Harold Case is “The Terrorist” and is the last man anyone would ever suspect of being a sociopath and a cold-hearted killer. He is movie-star handsome and charismatic. He is one of the most popular professors at the University of Washington. He is respected and he is a member of a think tank that devises scenarios to protect people from terrorists, like him. Case leads law enforcements investigators in a deadly game of cat and mouse after his bomb destroys the federal courthouse in Seattle, and they’re the mouse.
If you like the concept, I would be happy to send you the script.
Thank you.
Respectfully,
John Stimson
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Hi John. Per the Assignment, I chose your query letter where I, too, enjoy the “thriller” genre.
Removing my “lawyerman” hat I nonetheless read your letter with interest, but kept my on-board knowledge of how the modern federal courthouse is constructed post the horrific Oklahoma City bombing.
After having run the letter through Cheryl and Hal’s suggested criteria here are my thoughts: Your letter is simple, quickly read and causes the reader (me and hopefully for you the next producer) to finish it and think on it a couple of seconds. I liked it. Your “bio” is also a hit.
I say “… think on it a couple of seconds” where I picture these producers looking at the daily onslaught of letters, much like state bar examiners who read through stacks of essays from hopeful future lawyers, the average reading time of which is… (drum roll)… six seconds per essay (the essay writer being given an hour to construct it). (Note: No, I haven’t sat for the exam in 30+ years).
So, bottom line, go for it. Break a leg. I wish you smiles and the best of success.
With best regards,
Gordon (a.k.a. Gordie, Gord, Gordo, and perhaps others)
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Gordon,
Thank you for taking the time to read my query. I appreciate the encouraging words. Best of luck with your screenwriting, with your background you surely have some interesting characters you can conjure up and place in a situation. Take care. John
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John,
I completely agree– the bio is short, to the point and excellent. The pitch is clear and succinct. Kensington loves thrillers like this if you have it in book -form, but i am sure there are many producers who would be interested in this as — it has a unique storyline!
Best Wishes!
Nancy
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Nancy,
Thank you very much for the encouragement. That is kind of you to take the time. And, heck, what nice things you said. 🙂 Best of wishes to you, too.
Good fortune in your writing always, John
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Bob Bland…. Query Letter Draft One
Learned? Hooks and editing things down are key.
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I met you on Clubhouse where you said you were looking for drama/romance scripts and thought you might enjoy <i style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Doc Band-Aid.
Can two broken people once deeply in love reconnect fourteen years later, heal under difficult circumstances, and love again?
Devastated by his final days in the war, after witnessing both the bombing of his Vietnamese fiancé’s village and the battlefield death of his fellow medic and best friend, Frank “Doc Band-Aid” was changed forever.
Fourteen years later and destitute, he is shocked to see Tam, who he thought was dead, handing out sandwiches to the homeless. He is blindsided when, heartbroken, she angrily accuses him of abandoning her in Vietnam and orders him to leave. Additionally, she accepts the marriage proposal from a man she feels can offer her safety and stability. Believing any chance of ever reuniting with Tam is all but impossible, Frank discovers a drawing of his that Tam kept from Vietnam and senses there is still hope…
I met with and interviewed veterans to bring dimension and authenticity to this story. Additionally, I refined the script with notes and feedback from industry experts. Finally, a table read was held with professional actors to ensure the fluency of the dialogue.
If you like the concept, I’d be honored to send you the script.
Respectfully,
Bob Bland, 29177 Flowerpark Dr., Canyon Country, CA 91387; bobeblue@sbcglobal.net; 323.775.7617
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Member June 8, 2022 at 12:18 am
Bob Bland…. Query Letter Draft One
Hal asked us to change anything we thought needed changing, but I felt weird doing so because I had to guess at so many things like budget, size, and the circumstances of Tam’s and Frank’s meeting after 14 years. Good luck with this!. It sounds lnteresting. I hope you’ll critique mine for SWEETIE HEAVEN. I put my changes in red, but they didn’t come out red when I posted them here. Lenore
Learned? Hooks and editing things down are key.
Title: DOC BAND-AID
Genre: Drama/Romance
Dear (name),
Because you mentioned on Clubhouse you were looking for drama/romance scripts, I’d like to tell you about my mid-budget film that’s complete at 120 pages.
Can two broken people once deeply in love reconnect fourteen years later, heal under difficult circumstances, and love again?
After witnessing both the bombing of his Vietnamese fiancé’s village and the battlefield death of his fellow medic and best friend, Frank (Doc Band-Aid) was devastated.
Fourteen years later, thinking Tam dead, he’s shocked to see her handing out sandwiches to the destitute—and he’s one of them! She angrily accuses him of abandoning her in Vietnam. Although Tam’s become engaged to a more stable man, a small drawing gives Frank hope of reuniting with her. He sketched it for her many Vietnam years ago—and she’s kept it!
I met with and interviewed veterans to bring dimension and authenticity to this story. Additionally, I refined the script with notes and feedback from industry experts. Finally, a table read was held with professional actors to ensure the fluency of the dialogue.
If you like the concept, I’d be honored to send you the script.
Respectfully,
Bob Bland, 29177 Flowerpark Dr., Canyon Country, CA 91387; bobeblue@sbcglobal.net; 323.775.7617
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Lenore Bechtel
Reply Your Query Letter Draft One
Hey, Lenore.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments on Doc Band-Aid. I really appreciate you taking the time. Nice work on boiling down the central hooks a little more.
Concerning Sweetie Heaven….
How can Meredith sing her own style, not alienate her Sweet Adeline family, remain a virgin, and not lose her horny boyfriend?
I reworked your opening hook, hoping to maybe tighten it a little bit.
Meredith is an interesting comedic character that we would have fun following.
I think you might consider the flow of the query. There seem to be a lot of moving parts that are a little difficult to follow. Maybe consider boiling it down some. Concentrating on the Meredith/Quincy story might be a thought.
Perhaps I’m wrong, but I think maybe you told the whole story, rather than leaving us with a hook that would want us to say “What happens next?” Maybe the hook has to do with “Biblical Brushoff,” leaving Quincy wondering what he’s ever going to do to win Meredith’s love? Make us want to read more.
I’m not sure that you need to talk about the casting and box office appeal in a query letter.
Finally, I really liked how you worked some humor into the query. Nice job! Hope this helps, if only a little…. Bob
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Melanie’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned from this assignment is that less is more. I guess it all comes down to being able to encapsulate your script in a written elevator pitch.
Dear Producer,
“Nothing sells better than a dead author.” I’m not dead but my main character is about to be.
Title: Murder, Ink (Feature)
Genre: Thriller
Written by: Melanie Forchetti
A best-selling author is found washed up underneath Savannah’s Talmadge Bridge just like the protagonist in his latest novel. The next day his book sells out. Blake, an aspiring writer, becomes the killer’s next target. Her words start to come true as well but it’s not until her husband goes missing that she realizes her life is mimicking her last few chapters. In shock, she stops, realizing that writing has become dangerous. However, her agent threatens to drop her if she doesn’t finish. Strapped for cash, she has no choice but to continue and her world gets worse – a drained bank account, threats from thugs, and an eviction notice.
With only a few clues to go on, Blake’s search for her husband leads her to find the killer on the dock of her childhood home. Staring down the barrel of his gun, can she write herself out of her own death?
I’m a produced screenwriter (‘Til Proven Innocent (Thriller)/A&E) with another script currently in development at a production company. If this sounds like a project you’d be interested in, I’d love to get you the full script. I can be reached at the contact info below and look forward to hearing from you!
Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration!
My best,
Melanie Forchetti
(310) 497-5656
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Mary Emmick’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned from doing this assignment is that query letters should be interesting, short, and well-written. Editing and finding hooks are key to writing a query letter.
Title: DON’T LOOK AWAY, ISABEL
Written by: Mary Emmick
Genre: Drama/Coming-of-Age
Dear Producer:
What happens when a teenage girl from a small farm town during the time of COVID-19 discovers her fiancé and childhood sweetheart is a louse?
When Isabel sees Tyler throwing up in the bushes at her sister’s wedding reception, she begins to have second thoughts. When she visits his work and sees him kissing the receptionist IT’S OVER FOR HER!
There’s danger and high states when Isabel disobeys her father to save the family wheat farm from a raging fire.
When a friend is pulled over by the police one night just for being black Isabel is angered by the racism in her town.
I wrote a song called Look Away because I saw people looking away from injustice. Then I turned it into a story.
Isabel is broken hearted and outraged when she learns that her ex-fiancé’s father State Senator Ted Cramer turns her friend Victor Sanchez into the sheriff for being undocumented.
How will Isabel respond to the challenges and injustices she faces and find true love when her world is swirling in a vortex of uncertainty and upheaval?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Respectfully,
Mary Emmick, 3523 241<sup>st</sup> Pl SE, Sammamish, WA, 98029; marykhome@hotmail.com; 425-891-0166
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Mary Emmick’s Query Letter Draft TWO
What I learned from doing this assignment is that query letters should be interesting, short, and well-written. Editing and finding hooks are key to writing a query letter.
Dear Producer: Title: DON’T LOOK AWAY, ISABEL
Written by: Mary Emmick
Genre: Drama/Coming-of-Age
What happens when a teenage girl from a small farm town during the time of COVID-19 discovers her fiancé and childhood sweetheart is a louse?
When Isabel sees Tyler throwing up in the bushes at her sister’s wedding reception, she begins to have second thoughts. When she visits his work and sees him kissing the receptionist IT’S OVER FOR HER!
There’s danger and high stakes when Isabel disobeys her father to save the family wheat farm in Walla Walla from a raging fire.
When a friend is pulled over by the police one night just for being black Isabel is angered by the racism in her town. I composed a song called Look Away because I saw people looking away from injustice and was inspired to write this story.
Isabel is brokenhearted and outraged when she learns that her ex-fiancé’s father, State Senator Ted Cramer, turns her friend Victor Sanchez into the sheriff for being an undocumented farm worker.
How will Isabel respond to the challenges and injustices she faces and find true love when her world is swirling in a vortex of uncertainty and upheaval?
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Thank you.
Respectfully,
Mary Emmick, 3523 241<sup>st</sup> Pl SE, Sammamish, WA, 98029; marykhome@hotmail.com; 425-891-0166
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Day 11 LESSON 11 – Creating Demands for Reveals 2022-05-17 Assignment 2022-06-14
REVEAL: Something under the surface is discovered or brought to our attention in a dramatic way.
Something covered up.
Demand is created for us to
discover it (shown through mystery,
intrigue, or suspense).
Revealed
in a dramatic way that something which is being covered up.create reveals by working backwards. Start with the reveal, then the cover up, and finally how you will create demand
1) What is the reveal? either a secret or some key piece of information or truth that changes our perspective on the story.
a) The biggest reveal occurs at the end of the story in that the Chaplain is the serial killer.
2) How did it get covered up? by presenting a different “reality” previously in the story
a) It got covered up because no one would suspect a man of the cloth to be a killer.
b) He was the chaplain for the Metro Police department where crime fighting takes place.
3) What M.I.S. was used to create demand to know the truth? Strangulation murders were continuing throughout the story, at least now six victims. The demand is to know who is doing this.
a) The mystery as to who is doing the murders continues throughout every scene involving the police until the end when the answer to this BIG mystery is revealed.
i) Why is there no molestation or rape of his victims? Answered afterwards post mortem because of the Chaplain’s anger against socialite women.
ii) Why no apparent sexual motive? Motive was different.
iii) How is it that the killer is able to get away without leaving any clues for the police to lead to his identity being unmasked? Because he was previously a detective he knew what could be discovered and avoided leaving such clues, going against the typical characteristics of a serial killer and being aware of the ongoing investigation having access to the police files.
b) Intrigue as the murders are being hidden, being done underhanded. Concealing his motive.
c) Suspense because death was continuing to be threatening to upper scale single women in the northwest area of Las Vegas.
4) When you reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact
a) The truth is revealed dramatically with killer confronting Warren, Jodi, Sid, Irene, a cab driver, and Patty the security guard. Detective Hart in the denouement is able to answer all of the mysteries through police investigation of his past.
1) What is the reveal? The rake held the DNA blood evidence and which is found on the blanket as well which is to match which there is only circumstantial evidence for police at the time of the Chaplain being killed but only the viewer has seen how the blood on the rate got on to the blanket.
2) How did it get covered up?
a) The body with the blanket had been buried.
b) Detective didn’t notice it on the photos, only the tears in the blanket, but the other plain clothes officer brought it up for Hart to send in samples of the blood stain on the blanket for the lab.
c) The blood on the blanket hadn’t been analyzed as to blood type by the lab yet but the tears had been examined to reveal metal and holes in duct tape were small mentioning it could have been caused by a rake.
d) The medical examiner at the morgue got the results of the blood typing before Hart revealing blood type of victim and on the blanket didn’t match. No blood of victim because it was a strangulation.
e) The police have no idea about the rake until the end mystifying Bono and Hart. But now with Chaplain’s corpse it requires ongoing further lab work to compare the Chaplain’s blood type and DNA to that of the blanket and that found on the rake being able to match the two.
f) Bono as the red herring and Hart finding out his blood type evidently after Hart sends his old soiled bandage to the lab showing it to be the same as that as on the blanket intentionally isn’t revealed until almost the end before the Chaplain appears as the killer showing up at the in-laws’ garage. This was to enhance the suspense of the life threatening situation by the expectation that we were going to find out it was Bono as the killer. Great switch!
3) What M.I.S. was used to create demand to know the truth?
a) Mystery?
i) Whose blood is on the blanket?
ii) Who will discover this?
iii) Is this enough evidence to pin the murder on a person with this blood type?
b) Intrigue
i) The other police Detective notices the blood on the blanket not Hart
ii) Blood on the blanket was determined as AB negative, while the victim’s blood type was O negative
iii) This blood type mismatch with the victim had to be confirmed by the crime lab.
iv) The medical examiner in the morgue gets the results to which he first informs Detective Hart that there is a mismatch of the blood types.
v) Detective Hart proceeds to secretly submit Bono’s bandage to eliminate him as a suspect but when she privately learns he has the same blood type as found on the blanket he becomes a suspect because type AB negative is one in every hundred people.
vi) Lieutenant Bono happens to have blood type AB negative revealed only almost before the killer (the Chaplain) confronts the hero in his in-laws’ garage making the viewer believe he is the killer.
vii) Bono has had martial arts training as a cop, part of the killer’s profile.
viii) Bono has been divorced possible profile requirement with someone possibly having resentment against rich women.
ix) Bono has a domestic violence notation on in his file although dismissed.
x) Bono is a sexist making such belittling women.
xi) Bono appears wanting to not have Detective Hart solve the case because he had been forced to take her on because she rated number one in the department sergeant test against his own preference.
c) Suspense is that
i) If it is Bono, then he has police access to files which he can hide if there are any evidentiary clues pointing to him and the killer won’t get identified while the viewer won’t trust Bono’s actions which don’t seem sincere enough and he would be a vicious person to take down.
ii) Bono has made sly comments to Hart about why he doesn’t kill because he believes he would get caught. His comments appear on the surface to be threatening.
4) Dramatic impact –
a) This lets the viewer know that this will be a determining clue that can indict the killer to the murders.
b) There must be the other evidence of his blood on the rake which tore the blanket but will that rake be found by the police or will it be retrieved rather by the killer to remove that proof needed.
1) What is the reveal? Irene will “not” be the person home alone at the time the killer returns to get the rake so she won’t be murdered. This is Warren’s goal for telling lies to hide his vision because he can’t tell Jodi the truth about him having this vision of her mother’s forthcoming murder.
2) How did it get covered up?
a) Warren makes sure Irene won’t be there.
b) Warren promises Sid he’ll help him gamble in Aruba long distance by phone but he must take Irene with him but only Warren and the viewer knows this is plan B if the retro-intention experiment can’t stop the future memory of the killer gaining the knowledge of the rake being kept in the in-laws’ garage.
3) What M.I.S. was used to create demand to know the truth?
a) Mystery?
i) What will cause Irene not to be there away from the scene of the predicted crime? Warren’s plan B is used to get the in-laws out of their house at the impending time that the murder will take place.
ii) Will Sid fall for Warren’s ploy to get them out of the house because Sid is skeptical that Warren can do his magic long distance over the phone? What will Sid do when he discovers Warren cannot help him cheat at winning long distance with Warren trying to give him the numbers over the phone but can’t because Warren’s friends in high places are not being cooperative to give Warren the numbers like they did at the casino in Laughlin?
b) Intrigue
i) Sid changes his and Irene’s plans of staying longer in Aruba and he decides to come home early ruining Warren’s plan B to have them out of their house at Warren’s predicted time of the return of the killer to come get his rake.
ii) Patty doing surveillance of the house hasn’t been told by Warren that this is really about a predicted murder and to use the rake like cheese in a mousetrap to get the killer’s identity.
iii) Hart learns from the medical examiner at 49 minutes Minnie Movie 3 ACT II that if she can match the AB negative blood type to someone as a suspect as found to match that found on the blanket it can put them at the scene of the burial of the body and implement them in the crime itself as circumstantial evidence. Because Hart suspects Bono she wants to get his blood sample but without directly asking for it.
iv) Hart gets a pull on her sweater at 118 minutes in Minnie Movie 8 ACT IV, “learning”. Bono kids her after telling her his wound had come from the men’s room door handle, assuming she had pulled her sweater on that door ribbing her about using the men’s room and standing up to pee, although she had only gone in there to see if the door handle was defective and possibly Bono might have actually cut his arm on it.
v) Not knowing if Bono had told her the truth Hart knowing she needs to match Bono’s blood type to the killer she unsuccessfully searches for his bandage but doesn’t find it. Intent but switches. We never see her getting one his bandages but we “obtain” this knowledge that to prove Bono is the killer she must get one of his used bandages with blood on it. It’s not until ACT IV Minnie Movie 8 at 124 minutes we finally “learn” she must have found one of his used bandages because she is getting lab results from the crime lab which confirms Bono’s blood type is also AB negative, one chance in a hundred to match the blood type on the blanket.
vi) In case the Professor’s retro-intention innovation to preempt the future memories of the killer and remove his motive to be there at the garage and be forced into killing anyone there in his way won’t work plan B was created at Minnie Movie 7 at 93 minutes which has been suggested without any suspicion of the Chaplain being the killer.
vii) Detective hart has suspicion that the killer could be Lieutenant Bono fitting the profile and “obtaining” information at 35 minutes in ACT II Minnie Movie 3 when she notices he has a nasty cut on his arm for which he had told her occurred in the men’s room on a faulty door handle. The viewer is intentionally misdirected that Bono is the killer because this is right after we are shown Victim #2 being buried and the killer cuts his arm on the rake. She knows nothing about any of that, of course.
viii) Hart “learns” in ACT 4 at almost at the end of Minnie Movie 8 at 120 minutes that she may be on to something knowing the blood sample on the blanket doesn’t match the victim’s and we are misled by Bono not wanting to give Hart to throw out his old soiled bandage from his arm. We know as the viewer that she intends to run his blood type to see if it might match that found on the blanket.
c) Suspense –
i) Warren’s plan B is backfiring which means the killer will show up according to Warren’s vision although his subsequent vision under hypnosis no longer has Irene being strangled but now only is showing Jodi there on to the floor of the garage. Does this mean that Jodi will be killed by the killer? Will it be her death instead of her mother’s? Has Warren caused this to happen by getting involved trying to change Irene’s fate?
1) What is the reveal? either a secret or some key piece of information or truth that changes our perspective on the story.
a) The reveal concerning the Professor and why he is so intense on being able to use his retro-intention and to prove his theory that “cause does not have to precede effect”. The real answer occurs at the psych lab as Warren gets the answer to this from him. It was his former involvement at CSL, Cognitive Science Labs, at the end of the cold war using psychics, remote viewers, to unmask the plans of the Russians and he reveals to know the future as well and falling short of being able to change the future, but closed down in 1995 and declassified. The Professor wants to continue this work on his own but not acceptably to his university colleagues having threatened not give him his doctorate and to attain tenure.
2) How did it get covered up? by presenting a different “reality” previously in the story
a) The Professor used only the excuse of his academic colleagues to be in his way.
b) Claimed he needed a psychic to be able to quantify having to change the future.
c) He based his cover up on simply proving his own theory that “cause does not have to precede effect” but he was covering up that he really wanted to be able to change the future. This would be by physically changing “memories of the future” residing in the timeless collective unconscious where he would use retro-intention in changing what would “become” the future in the physical world and would result by implanting those new future memories resulting in effecting the present things which relatively would be the past of these future memories.
3) What M.I.S. was used to create demand to know the truth? Strangulation murders were continuing throughout the story, at least now six victims. The demand is to know who is doing this.
a) The mystery as to if this is possible.
i) Can a psychic enter the collective unconscious?
ii) Is this only permitted by the Friend in High Places to allow this to be done?
iii) By doing this will it have repercussions on the fates of other people as well?
iv) Is this in the favor of God’s province?
b) Intrigue as to the attainment of the ability for mortal men to be able to change fate of other people.
i) Reetha the psychic is used to parallel what the Professor is attempting to do. Her purpose telling Warren that there are no accidents in life but we’re not in charge of that. She recalls how she tried to change the fate of her husband dying in a plane crash by faking her health so he wouldn’t leave on the flight. It worked for a week, but then he had to go and rebooked his flight. It was the new flight that crashed in Chicago AA #191 in 1979. What she was doing was really to change her own fate so she wouldn’t become a widow to raise her daughter, Patty, on her own by trying to change the fate of someone else, her husband and it back fired on her. She warns Warren don’t be meddling in someone else’s life by trying to change someone else’s fate.
c) Suspense Using Warren’s gift to meddle in changing someone else’s fate is dangerous and doesn’t end well. Warren is told that we’re not in charge. Conclusion is that it’s our friends in high places. Or Sid has told Warren that God shuffles the deck.
audience is desperately wanting to solve the mystery, the reveal is much more satisfying. To do that, you plant mystery, intrigue, and/or suspense about what the real truth is.
look at the difference between the “cover-up reality” and the real truth. In the beginning, we believe the cover-up, but as the writer builds M.I.S. about discovering the real truth, we become interested, maybe even anxious, to know what the real truth is.
reveal the truth, it must have dramatic impact
Create drama around it. Set it up emotionally, then uncover the devastating evidence dramatically
Hero discovers the truth at the worst possible moment or in the worst possible way. It could be that discovering the truth to this mystery points to a bigger mystery which is who is the killer.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Warren Goldstein. Reason: additional information added, another very strategic reveal
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This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by
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Gordon’s Query Letter Draft ONE
Learned how to create interest in producers enough to ask for the synopsis or script.
Draft 2:
Dear ,
A friend suggested you may be interested in this one.
Question: How does an outdoor entry mat become a “test kitchen” grille? Answer: With electricity. Lots of it.
Question: But, why? Answer: To fry the assassin who is about to come for her.
GWEN relies on a stranger’s instructions left on the recorder found on her steps. The message says, “If you wish to survive you must trust me. Because more are coming.” Furthering her fright, the message is from the first assassin who came for her.
With time nearing zero she has no choice but to follow the assassin’s course because she cannot trust anyone else, especially police and the FBI.
On edge while waiting in darkness, Gwen glances at the timer counting downward on her computer, marking the next killer’s arrival. With her tranquil existence utterly shattered and her psyche frayed, her head spins over why the first assassin didn’t kill her. Or if it’s a surreal ploy to make her an easy kill for the next one who comes.
But MARA knows it’s no ploy. As a black woman Mara is perhaps the world’s most formidable assassin. She too is now marked for death when foregoing the hit on Gwen. Mara’s reversal of deadly intent occurs with her first glimpse of Gwen’s face just as she’s about to pull the trigger. In that moment her conscience is utterly shocked.
The moment also brings Mara back to haunting memories of the day when she was but ten years of age, when standing before her mother’s newly placed headstone. That frightening memory from thirty years past recounts when Mara’s identical twin sister, Gwen, was cruelly torn from her side to neither be seen nor heard from again.
BIO:
As a 30+ year litigator with persuasive stories published in countless courthouses across the country, Gordon faces harm from a number of NDAs on many confidentially resolved matters, should truth be told. For that reason this one is inspired entirely by purely fictional accounts and characters.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send the script.
With best regards,
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Nancy Lucas Query Letter, Draft ONE
TO MY FELLOW CLASSMATES– I WELCOME COMMENTS! I added my hook at the end and don’t know if I should use that- or if it is even any good. Thank you for critiquing!
Good day, Mr. Sullivan
I met you at the conference where you stated you were looking for Christmas themed made-for-TV Scripts. I thought you might enjoy A Tropical Christmas.
A small-town 2nd generation motel owner is pressured by a developer to sell, and they are stopping at nothing to take the beach property. Nicole struggles to keep her sunny disposition after finding late tax payments her sister was hiding; the motel’s wedding planner is busy with a sick child, and a city lawyer comes to town 5 days before Christmas and needs a beach wedding that isn’t even his, all during high season!
How does a big city lawyer overcome his need for logic when given with the sudden task of arranging his best friend’s Christmas day wedding…which is in 5 days? Peter realizes all the planning in the world couldn’t have prepared him for a cocktail at sunset on the Gulf of Mexico at the Flip-Flop Motel.
If you like the concept, I’d be honored to send you the script.
Nancy Lucas
[current address]
[email]
[cell phone]
My hook:
A big city lawyer re-discovers the magic of Christmas while planning his best friend’s wedding at a vintage beach motel in a small town.
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Rob’s Query Letter, Draft-1
Title: HORIZON’S STORM
Genre: Drama Series
Gangsters, New York bankers, even approaching menacing dust storms can’t compete against the real force of nature: Molly Fisher, a gutsy widowed farmer’s wife forced to protect her family and farm in a man’s world.
It’s the 1930s in the Great Plains and Molly, uneducated and ill-equipped, must deal with the local corrupt banker who raped her when she was young and left her with her oldest son. The banker now wants control over her farm through foreclosure. The Chicago Mob wants their money. Once quiet and respectful, Molly is about to unleash a force the likes these men have never seen in a woman.
Molly also has three teenagers she must deal with: the eldest son delves in rising Nazi propaganda, another son explores his sexuality while creating conflicts with church doctrine, and a daughter who seeks out her missing father’s love in the wrong places.
Molly and the Sheriff believe her husband’s death was no accident – despite many suspects, who’s guilty? After harassing farmers, including Molly, a mob enforcer is killed with a pitchfork. Was it the new schoolmarm who was seen holding a bloody pitchfork or Molly who threatened him?
HORIZON’S STORM is similar to PLACES IN THE HEART and GODLESS with a strong female heroine – feisty, gutsy. The entire cast are distinctive and complicated and can attract talent.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the Pilot script.
Rob Ingalls
[email]
[cell ph]
BIO: Rob is a multi-optioned screenwriter with a degree from the College of Agriculture, California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by ROBERT Ingalls.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by ROBERT Ingalls.
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