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Day 11 Assignments
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4 Replies
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Rachel’s turning point 1 scenes
What I learned:
It’s ok if I just keep moving forward. Not perfect, not chronological, full of plot holes, and I’m coming to new discoveries about the core of the story. But that is because I am working on letting the characters interact. Like others have said, this may be stuff that doesn’t even end up in the finished version. It’s ok. A step forward. Another step forward. Slow as I am, on we go…
INT. SARAH’S ROOM
Sarah sits at her desk with a pen and paper, writing busily.
Wade’s copy of Stockman’s Magazine lies open before her, turned to a page with a large advertisement for the Drummond Land and Cattle Company…
EXT. BARNYARD
Sarah rushes out of the house and over to the barn, a letter in her fist.
She looks all around, hurries into the barn, then comes back out.
Vic leads a horse past.
VIC
What you need?
SARAH
Where’s Uncle Dave?
VIC
He left for Salt Fork.
SARAH
Salt Fork? Why??
VIC
Fixing fences.
SARAH
When’s he coming back?
VIC
Week or two, maybe.
Sarah looks disappointed.
VIC
Why?
SARAH
I thought he was going into… Never mind.
She turns away.
VIC
You need to mail that, I’m going to town anyway.
She’s looking at Sarah’s letter. Holds out her hand.
Sarah hesitates. Then with a narrow-eyed look, she approaches and gives it to Vic. Watches keenly until Vic slips it in a vest pocket without glancing at the address.
Vic mounts up, then looks back at Sarah.
VIC
Need anything while I’m there?
SARAH (sharply)
Don’t lose my letter.
Vic looks away, hurt in her eyes, then just rides out of the yard without a reply.
Sarah watches her go. She turns her palms up and considers her fingers, with an ink stain or two.
She frowns and bites her lip. Her face turns from sly triumph to worry, like she’s watching a storm build way out there on the desert.
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Joe’s Turning Point 1 Scene(s)
What I learned: As I work through each of these lessons I find that the process of structuring the story (my weakest point when writing) is starting to become much more manageable and practical. The hardest part is just to keep going – just keep writing – just keep swimming…
INT. ST. CATHERINES PRIMARY SCHOOL
Bobby sits in the back of the class – idly gazing out the window out onto the school’s play-yard.
He shakes his head. He’s tired of playing little kid games. He’s anxious to be bigger – he’s anxious to do something, to do anything, at all really.
Bobby glances at his frumpy math teacher, MR. MICHAELS – glasses the size of goggles, dressed in ballon-esque khaki pants, the school’s navy approved blazer, white starched collared shirt and standard plaid tie.
Bobby doodles in his composition book. He draws Mr. Michaels as an elephant with glasses – squeezed into a tight uniform suit. Bobby chuckled to himself when suddenly
THWANK
A folded up piece of paper in the shape of a triangle hits him in the head. It falls to his desk.
The triangle has X’s written on all over it. In the middle of the triangle tiny letters spell out
READ ME.
Bobby discreetly opens up the note in his lap underneath his desk so as not to cause suspicion.
The crumpled paper reads:
SAW YOUR STUNT AFTERSCHOOL LAST WEEK. MEET AT THE BUS STOP NEXT TO OLD HANKS.
The note was signed KYLE AND THE YEE BOYS.
Old Hank’s was a neighborhood quick mart – junk food, alcohol, cigarettes, dairy if your household got desperate and ran out. It was also located next to the school with an eagle eye view of the local park and basketball courts across the street.
Bobby smiles to himself – remembering how Kyle saluted him and his car bumper hitch-riding stunt(s). He sobers quickly – slowly grimacing – remembering how his mother embarrassed him and wondering if he will ever see Judy again.
EXT. HANKS QUICK MART
Bobby has taken a shortcut and sneaks up on KYLE – a young boy with a blond buzzcut (Bobby had heard how all of Kyle’s family had gotten a bad batch of lice and as a result they all got their heads shaved including his sisters), and a dimple in his chin. He wore standard school attire and red converse hi-top sneakers.
Kyle and his friends were known among older gangs as the YEE BOYS – a young gang of neighborhood boys.
KYLE
(speaking to a group of three to four boys ranging in age 13 to 14- Bobby of course being just 12 )
“…Go easy on him – he’s the youngest newbie . . .
I think he’s got something though, potential yeah….
Bobby straightens up and peers up at Kyle – who though only a year older towers at least a head or two above Bobby.
BOBBY
Hey ya Kyle – got your message…what’s up?
Kyle gives Bobby a piercing look. He rubs his hands together.
KYLE
“It’s easy kid, you just gotta pretend to buy something….”
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Well, this took a while: 3 days longer than I planned, but I really had to work out the motivations of the characters. I truly am not interested in old cliche horror tropes where the main character does something soooo stupid to get himself in trouble, and then, we’re supposed to actually care about them and be shocked when they’re in peril? NOT THIS SCRIPT! I’m on my way to making sure these characters feel real and I didn’t have a satisfying way to make sure Chuck was “locked in” to the pursuit of the Zombie car… Thus, I had to flesh out a few more scenes and get a few more characters involved, but that’s OK, cause I got a solid first act fleshing out, and I still hit the turning point before page 30…
With that being said, here’s the first draft of TREK, pages 19-28….
He gets back in the RV. He turns the car around and begins to drive west. The zombie car just sits there in the middle of the road.
CHUCK
I’ll be damned.
He gets about 500 feet away from the car and turns around and watches.
CHUCK
It was tracking us via our phones! I’ve seen everything now, maybe Bill Gates is the antichrist!
RUTH
Are you seriously going to leave our phones by the side of the road?
CHUCK
No. We go get them, but we won’t turn them on again until that thing is long gone.
(pause)
Ok I’m going to drive back up to get them now ok?
RUTH
SLOWLY!
CHUCK
Yeah, yeah. Keep your eye on the car for any activity.
RUTH
Oh dear God.
Chuck rolls his eyes.
CUT TO:
Phones by the side of the road. The RV gradually pulls up to them, oh so tenderly.
CHUCK
OK, after you pick them up, if all is calm, make sure to walk casually back to the car, lest it detects your fear.
RUTH
You’re kidding right?
CHUCK
I dunno you tell me, you got all those mediation and health apps.
Ruth gets out of the car and walks up to the phones, like a cat stalking a mouse. She never takes her eyes off of the zombie car which just sits there, idling.
She grabs the phones, runs back to the RV and climbs in.
INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY – CONTINUING
Ruth hands Chuck his phone.
RUTH
Powering down.
CHUCK
In one second.
RUTH
What are you doing?
CHUCK
Documenting, for evidence.
Chuck begins to film the zombie car, and narrarates
CHUCK
OK, its approx. 6:30, Monday evening, we’re in the middle of the beautiful Nevada desert, not another car in sight, and there’s the car, not moving. We’re shutting our phones off now, and we’ll turn them back on once we hit civilization again. I’m thinkin’ Vegas in a few hours if my math is correct.
RUTH
OK enough already.
CHUCK
Just one sec, lemme get a few pics.
He snaps some pics.
CHUCK
And you know what, lemme text those to your cop friend. You got his number on here? Ah yes there it is under recents.
He taps his fingers and waits while it sends the pics, making Wife even more anxious.
The zombie car still idling.
CHUCK
Ok, done. Powering down.
As Chuck turns the car around, the zombie car powers off. Chuck is turned around and starts to drive when Ruth notices its lights have turned off.
RUTH
Wait!
Chuck hits the breaks.
CHUCK
What the hell??
RUTH
It shut off.
CHUCK
Well good, maybe its battery finally ran out.
RUTH
Maybe we should take a closer look?
Chuck looks at her. They both crane their heads to take a look at the car.
CHUCK
Oh Hell no!
RUTH
Oh Hell no!
They drive away.
INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY – EVENING
Long silence
RUTH
What are you thinking?
CHUCK
You won’t like it.
RUTH
It’s better than silence!
CHUCK
OK then, I’m thinking wheres your phone been? What kind of apps have you been downloading?
RUTH
Uhh, traveling apps because somebody has to do it!
CHUCK
(long silence)
OK, fair enough.
RUTH
You know what I think?
CHUCK
Not until you tell me.
RUTH
I think it’s not my phone at all. I think it’s your phone.
CHUCK
Why would you-
RUTH
You know why I think that?
Chuck is silent
RUTH
Because I shut my phone off first, and the car was still running. But when we shut your phone off, the car shut off.
Long pause
CHUCK
Ok, that’s a plausible theory. It might have also taken some time for it to respond.
RUTH
Of course, you don’t believe me, as usual.
CHUCK
I just told you that’s a possibility. Can you prove it? You want me to believe it 100 percent? Then I’ll turn my phone on and I’ll pull over, and we’ll wait for the car to manifest. Sound good? Of course, that won’t prove it either because what if its both our phones? What it its simply the nearest phone it detects? What if it depends on the settings, which option we have on or off?
RUTH
OKAY!!! Stop with the monologue!
CHUCK
Look I’m sorry for sounding judgmental, it’s not you.
RUTH
You sure?
CHUCK
Yes, it’s not you, you’re not doing anything that any other American does all day long. It’s the car! What the hell is going on with that car?
RUTH
what is society coming to, that that kind of thing can happen?
CHUCK
Think we sue the manufacturers?
RUTH
Can we really even make to San Diego without our phones?
CHUCK
We totally can. My father drove across country from L.A. To Philadelphia in 4 days without a radio or air-conditioning, just to get back in time to propose to my mom before he went to Vietnam.
RUTH
Ok, so we’re just a self-absorbed wussy generation then?
CHUCK
Well…
RUTH
Or just a little to paraniod?
CHUCK
Maybe a little of both?
CHUCK
So you’re dad wouldn’t have even needed his phone?
CHUCK
You have to remember, he was quite motivated at the time. And so am I.
RUTH
By what?
CHUCK
You know.
RUTH
Say it again.
CHUCK
I’m delivering you, to a better life. I took a gamble on early retirement and I’m gonna see it through to give you the life I never could- I’ve YET to provide. One we’ve yet to see. I owe us that.
Ruth smiles but in her eyes, she still shows doubt and fear.
RUTH
How’s gas?
CHUCK
1/8 tank.
RUTH
Oh dear Lord.
CHUCK
Look!
He points to a sign “Farmer’s Market, next exit, 2 miles East.
CHUCK
See, civilization. Fuel AND jerky!
INT. FARMERS’S MARKET – DUSK
Plethora of fresh produce, Native American trinkets, and tourists.
Ruth powers on her phone as they both watch with tension.
It lights up. Voicemail from policeman.
CHUCK
Check it.
She plays it on speakerphone while they both listen.
PATROLMAN
Hi ma’am this is officer Denton. We checked out the entire stretch of miles 55, and haven’t found any traces of that car. Umm, if maybe you had some evidence, a license plate? Some dashcam pics? At the very least, come in and file a report, and we can go from there?
CHUCK
(to voicemail)
Oh you want proof. How about a license plate, pics and video? We can text it to him.
He reaches for his phone, but sees Ruth’s eyes and stops.
CHUCK
It can wait. I’m gonna keep my phone off. We can wait until we get to San Diego and I can send them pics and investigate it then.
RUTH
You sure?
CHUCK
(thinking)
Y- Yeah.
Chuck and Ruth walk seperately.
Ruth sees a car that looks like the Zombie car pulling up and parking. She tenses up.
But then she sees it’s a different license plate, and they have a family-friendly ICON on the windshield. A normal looking woman emerges. Ruth calms down. She approaches them.
RUTH
Excuse me, is that a new model?
WOMAN
(proudly)
Yes it is. New and improved.
RUTH
I’ve heard they maneuver really well in reverse now, is that true?
WOMAN
I dunno, I know they fixed the resolution on the rear camera, so now they’re all 4k, so I think that helps a lot.
RUTH
All of them?
WOMAN
Oh yes, there’s 3 other cameras; front, left side and right side. They all have facial recognition too now, so the auto-drive option automatically stops if it spots a human face, and they say you can program your pets face too, I’ve only owned it a month though, so I haven’t learned how to do that yet!
RUTH
Wow, so high tech. Kinda scary.
WOMAN
Oh but its totally worth for the savings in insurance. They prove fault or innocense in seconds! Saves the companies TONS in legal fees! Not to mention the gas savings.
The woman’s SON approaches cradling a very adorable and well-behaved dog. He truly appears to be a good kid.
SON
Mom, can I get Biscuit a burrito? I think he’s tired of the chew-cuterie crackers.
WOMAN
OK, but only if there’s no sugar in them. That’ll make him pee sooner and this is the last stop until we get to the airport.
SON
Ok
He runs off.
WOMAN
Picking up his father from Los Angeles. He’s been deployed in Iraq. Poor guy hasn’t spent a summer with his dad in 4 years! That dog helped keep him sane! Oh excuse me.
She answers her phone.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
Hey babe! Nope, 4 more hours acording to GPS! Flight still landing on time? Great.
She walks away. Ruth sees Chuck acroos the lot talking to another RV owner.
PlACEHOLDER – VERIFYING THAT CHUCK REALLY HAS A PASSION TO RESOLVE THE “MYSTERY” OF THE CAR, BUT ALSO IS DEVOTED TO THE MISSION OF DELIVERING HIS WIFE: IF HE DOESN’T SUCCEED AT THAT, HE’D REALLY FEEL LIKE A FAILURE.
EXT. FARMER’S MARKET – DUSK
Ruth drives the RV to the edge of the road. The long stretch of highway just a few hundred feet away. Chuck opens a gourmet root beer and unwraps a large beef stick.
CHUCK
Ok, remember, go West, that way.
The Mother/son Electric car pulls up in front of them. Ruth waves and signals to her to go in front of her. She waves back.
RUTH
That woman is driving her son to the airport to pick their father so they can spend their first summer in 4 years together ’cause he’s been overseas in Iraq all this time! and that dog has kept that boy sane. God bless ’em, I hope nothing stands in their way!
Chuck listens, in between gulps and bites.. until he becomes transfixed on what appears to be the Zombie car steadily approaching.
RUTH
Chuck? Chuck are you listening?
Chuck just points with a trembling finger.
Ruth watches as the Zombie car abruptly turns around and beelines right towards the Zombie car, going East.
Ruth pedals to the floor and follows them… East!
CHUCK
Oh Dear God, what are you?
RUTH
I don’t know! But are you with me on this?
CHUCK
Do I have a choice?
RUTH
I don’t know do I?
CHUCK
OK, OK, we’re in this together, but what’s the plan?
RUTH
We gotta warn her. Are you with me?
CHUCK
OK, Ok, God help me. Lets do this.
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WIL’S TURNING POINT 1 SCENE
Today I learned to be a bit more organized in my writing frenzy, as a) I thought I’d already posted this as completed, and b) when I went to copy the scene in, I discovered that I’d inadvertently written over it in the push to complete Act One.
That’s okay, as I’ve revised it anyway, and as I dive into the next section, I’ll likely retool it completely.
My protagonist, Lauren Kilkenny, is a very slow bloomer, and it’s going to take her a while to full commit.
SCENE POSTED:
EXT. AMBITION STREET – DAY
Lauren glances away from Conrad’s speech. She’s shocked to to see Ben Wheeler on his horse, heading out of town. She jumps up and hurries over. She jumps in front of his horse.
LAUREN
What are you doing?
BEN
Can I tell you straight? No subtext, everything on the nose?
LAUREN
Of course. This is just the 20% draft.
BEN
I’m leaving.
LAUREN
What? Are you not hearing what’s happening?
BEN
You’ve got plenty of able-bodied men willing to take up the cause.
LAUREN
Look at them. They’re afraid. The only reason they’re getting in line is they’re afraid of Conrad.
BEN
I don’t know if they’re cowards or not, Spitfire. But I do know one thing. You have a problem.
LAUREN
But we need help. You’re brave and you’re strong. I saw that last night.
BEN
And I have a duty to this man’s mother to get him back home for a proper burial.
Lauren notices for the first time the BUNDLED BLANKET draped over the back of his horse. Wil’s body.
LAUREN
(pathetically)
Can’t it wait a day?
BEN
You know what your problem is, Kilkenny?
LAUREN
I’m a half-breed orphan with a love for the opium?
BEN
You’re a porch-sitter.
LAUREN
Huh?
BEN
Your town has a problem. You’re expecting someone to come in and take care of it, like the hero in one of those books you read. And why is that? Because you think you don’t have what it takes. You think you’re helpless.
LAUREN
You saw that thing last night. I can’t fight that thing.
BEN
And I can?
LAUREN
It’s not just you. It’d be all of them, too. What I saw you do last night…
BEN
You’ve got potential, Kilkenny. Saddle up.
Lauren stares at him, fury growing.
LAUREN
They won’t let me.
Ben’s own fury grows.
BEN
God dang, girl, who are they to tell you no? Take control of your life. Get on your horse and tell them that you’re going. I’ve got business elsewhere, or I’d be coming with you.
But right now, this is more important than your fight.
Lauren looks down. Somewhere inside, she knows he’s right.
BEN
Be your own hero, Kilkenny. Just do it.
LAUREN
That’s a bit on then nose.
BEN
Sure is, but we’ll come up with something better later.
Ben touches the brim of his hat and guides his horse past Lauren.
She stares at the ground for a moment. And then her jaw sets. He’s goddamn right.
She runs off.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Will Keightley.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by
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