Day 11 Assignments

[julie Beckett]

Julie’s Query Letter – 1st Draft

Dear Producer,

“Instead of defund, we defang.” – Mayor Osgood

Good news: the mayor of Detroit just approved Jackson King’s pilot program that diverts domestic-related 911 calls away from the police and hands them to a new civilian team, DART, to decrease excessive violence and provide more comprehensive care and access to community programs.

“Nonviolent conflict resolution, isn’t that an oxymoron?” – Johnny, Police Officer

Bad news: the DART team will have to train with and co-respond to calls with the police, who are not on board. Why should they give part of their already meager budget, plus office/gym/parking space to lowly civilians when they’re already doing that job, plus a helluva lot more?

The two teams are yin and yang, power vs. force, militarist policing vs. community policing. While they are in some ways opposites, they function best together. But they don’t know that yet. With different cultures, regulations, and mandates, the trick will be to find a way to work together while staying alive in the dangerous Detroit streets.

This idea for this series was inspired by a similar community program in Denver. The show is powered by my degree in psychology and experience caring for a mentally ill parent, working in the ER and Psych floors of a hospital, learning martial arts, and completing a police citizen academy.

The two, charismatic lead characters will make choice roles for actors who want to explore social change and police reform. The series holds a great opportunity to lead the way with a timely and socially relevant show while still capitalizing on the popularity and success of intense, character-driven police dramas.

For a front row seat to this Detroit drama, please reach out. I’d love to send you the script.

Best,

Juliana Beckett

[Frances Emerson]

POWER PLAYERS LESSON ELEVEN

FRAN’S DRAFT ONE

WHAT I LEARNED: There’s always room for improvement.

TITLE: THE GREAT STEAMBOAT RACE BETWEEN THE NATCHEZ AND THE ROBERT E. LEE, PARTS I, II, and III

LOGLINE: Can a young, untested newspaper reporter, his heart torn by the loss of his fiancé, find love again when he’s assigned to cover the steamboat “race of the century” aboard the celebrated Robert E. Lee?

GENRE: DRAMA, HISTORICAL FICTION

PART ONE

The “race of the century” filled headlines and newspaper pages across America in 1870.

Two steamboat captains, bitter rivals for years, had finally agreed to a grueling 1200 mile race up the Mississippi River from New Orleans to St. Louis, winner take all.

Charles Knapp, just home from college, is commissioned by his father to report on the story for their paper, the Missouri Republican. Trained as a lawyer, not a reporter, Charles is reluctant to take on the story. But his father assures him he’ll do well.

But there’s another problem. Charles is still grieving over the loss of his beloved fiancé, Abigail.

He finally agrees and heads to New Orleans. The first person he encounters: Abigail’s cousin, Frances Shackelford, who’s there on a shopping trip with her father. Frances has been determined to win Charles’ love for herself since Abigail’s death. Seeing a chance to woo him, she decides to steal away on board the Robert E. Lee.

The two captains, in the meantime, are busily preparing for their race. Thomas Leathers is a cantankerous old soul, with a heart of gold and is loved by almost everyone. John Cannon tries to act the hard ass, but he’s more than respected by his crew and the people who know him best. He’s a father figure to them and known far and wide as an honest businessman.

For days, thousands have gathered in hopes of getting just a glimpse of the racers. The Lee is several years old and many believe outmatched by Leathers’ newest, state of the art Natchez VI. But many bet on the Lee. The Natchez is top heavy and yaws in the waters, which makes for a poor racing vessel, it’s reported.

The race begins with a surprise. Out of the starting gate, Cannon pins the Natchez in the harbor until his Lee is well on her way up the river, outsmarting Leathers, who’s known for his cheating,

Frances, quickly found out, encounters the “wrath of Cannon.” Charles, who tries to help her, finds himself charged with keeping an eye on her until their “stop” at Natchez City. Thinking she’s won a first date with her eligible young bachelor, Frances sets about preparing, when she accidentally runs into a young, very handsome, war hero—ladies’ man and fortune hunter—Albert Eberman, who’s all too eager to oblige her. Slowly, he wedges himself between Charles and Frances. Frances finds herself falling for the handsome cavalryman’s charms.

Not 100 miles into the race, discovery of a failing boiler on the Lee puts the race in great jeopardy. All on board could be killed if it bursts. Cannon must decide to end the race before it does—or go on.

PART TWO

Luckily, Cannon has engineer John Wiest on board, who saves the race, to his great peril, repairing the leak before disaster strikes.

Before Frances knows it, Albert is wining and dining her. Charles quickly finds himself becoming a fifth wheel in the triangle—and caring for Frances very much.

Needing to get off the Lee for some newspaper business at Memphis, Charles watches Albert proposing marriage from the shoreline below and finding himself quite jealous over Albert’s intentions toward Frances.

PART THREE

On a train headed for Cairo, Charles encounters Richard Shackelford, Frances’ father. Neither a big fan of the other, Charles tells Richard of the nefarious fortune hunter who’s just proposed to his daughter. They decide to team up to rescue her from Albert.

Though still loving Charles, convinced he will never love her, Frances is also convinced Albert’s proposal is sincere—until she discovers him romancing another, older, moneyed, patron on board behind her back.

John Wiest gives Frances assurance it’s not her. Albert is not the honest, respected man she presumes he is he tells her.

Missing Charles more than ever, she joins Captain Cannon, who tells her the very same about Albert and gives her much needed encouragement about Charles. In his tenderness, she finds herself finally liking and respecting Cannon very much. A 180 degree turn from their first meeting.

But the race—and its perils–are far from over, as the captains prepare to enter Devil’s Country, a long stretch of river between Cairo and St. Louis fraught with dangers even the best, most experienced steamboat and captain dread to traverse.

And then, an unseasonably thick, opaque fog settles in, making it almost impossible to see anything beyond the bow of either steamer.

The fog too thick, too dangerous to risk his newly built steamboat to the dangerous rocks hidden below the Mississippi waters, Leathers finally gives in and ties up the Natchez to wait it out until morning.

But Cannon’s men refuse to give up. Enoch King, the pilot hired to get them through Devil’s Country, asks for the “best eyes” on board to help navigate the Lee through the thick fog. Charles volunteers to head the little boat that will course the Lee’s way through to Grand Tower.

Just before dawn, they reach Grand Tower to find bonfires along the shorelines still lighting their way and the fog suddenly, miraculously dissipating long enough to clear a straight pathway along the waters to St. Louis. Cannon takes full advantage of the great fortune, and it’s FULL STEAM AHEAD for the Robert E. Lee!

A full six hours ahead of the Natchez, the Lee makes her triumphant entry into St. Louis harbors. STREAMS OF CROWDS RUN to greet the steamer. Cannons fire. There’s great celebration in the air. And a photo finish!

As for Charles and Frances, watching it all on the Texas Deck as they trundle into St. Louis, there’s another proposal of marriage, this time between Charles and Frances, who discover their love for each other is for real-and until death they did part.

[Frances Emerson]

To Julie:

I like your letter. Goods great. I love the quotes you have in it. Just one suggestion. Your good news one sentences reads a bit too long for me. Can you break it up a bit, maybe, to make it read a bit smoother. Sometimes I find the long, long sentences a bit exhausting. We don’t want to tire out that poor worker who will be reading it!😀

[julie Beckett]

Hey Frances,

Sounds like a very interesting and entertaining story! I got a “Titanic meets Speed” vibe. My initial thoughts:

The title could be shortened to “The Great Steamboat Race”. That alone is interesting and lets us know what time period we are in. Could this be a romance/drama category? It depends what audiences you will be trying to attract. I was curious about what the stakes were (winner take all). Were they racing for money, the boat, bragging rights? The characters are interesting and you have all the story beats down. Perhaps the synopsis could be shortened to one paragraph for each Act.

Nice job and good luck with your marketing!😀 Julie

[David Harper]

David’s Query Letter (Draft One)

What I learned: Query letters are hard.

Dear Producer,

A bank heist in the middle of a wildfire evacuation.

That’s how the story goes in my action-drama screenplay, Deeper than Blood.

When Danny Sinclair’s father Arlo is released from prison, Danny commits to helping him build a new life in a small Texas town where grudges run deep and memories run long. This is hard enough, but when two of Arlo’s old criminal associates show up demanding money he owes but doesn’t have, things go downhill fast.

Adding to the pressure is an approaching wildfire and the threat of evacuation hanging over the town. In the end the wildfire arrives sooner than anyone predicted, and Danny finds himself dragged into a bank heist while the town is empty and ablaze. Finding out his father is the one who set the wildfire is a turning point for Danny, who must now choose between his father and the town and people he loves.

The roles of Danny and Arlo, along with other characters like the county sheriff and Arlo’s criminal associates, make choice characters for actors looking for great roles.

If you’d like to join them on the most dangerous bank heist in the history of bank heists, just let me know. I’d be happy to send the script.

All the best,

David Harper

[julie Beckett]

Hi David,

Sounds like an exciting action movie. You have all of the building blocks in here including mentioning the twist of his Dad setting the fire so I don’t have any recommendations except to continue wordsmithing. Have fun and good luck! Julie

[David Harper]

Hi Julie –

Great concept!

I think you could combine the good news bad news thing, and make them a bit shorter, to sharpen the point of the hook.

Something like: “Good news: 911 domestic violence calls are being diverted from the police and sent to a civilian team trained specifically to deal with them. Bad news: The cops hate it.”

Then go straight into “Why should they give up part of their already meager budget …”

Then the rest is great 🙂

I’d keep the first quote as and where it is, but move the second quote to just before the paragraph that begins “The idea for this series …”

Hope this helps!

[Frances Emerson]

Thank you. I will try. But the story is written three parts. I have three scripts on this one to sell. I’ll giv it a try. Thanks.

[julie Beckett]

Sounds good. Maybe it can be a miniseries…

[julie Beckett]

Thanks! I like the concept of combining and will continue to work with it. J

[David Harper]

Hey Frances –

Very cool concept, I just think the query is too long.

I’d try a couple of things here. First, find a strong hook to grab them. I’m not sure what it would be, but you might be able to find some irony about the juxtaposition of steamboats and racing. I mean … Whoever thought steamboats could be so exciting?

Then I’d shorten the synopsis. By a lot. In my experience, more than half a page is too much. A single page with plenty of white space will look like a breezy read. More than one page, especially with lots of text, might get set aside for “later.”

If you could get each act down to one or two sentences that really hook, that would be great.

Hope this helps 🙂

-d.

[Frances Emerson]

My SECOND DRAFT: (This is a huge story!)

John W. Cannon of the Robert E. Lee and Thomas P. Leathers of the Natchez VI, bitter rivals for years, finally agree to a grueling race up the Mississippi River from New Orleans to St. Louis, winner take all.

Charles Welbourne Knapp, just home from college, is commissioned by his father to report on the story for their paper, the Missouri Republican. Trained as a lawyer, not a reporter, Charles is reluctant to take on the story, but he finally agrees and heads to New Orleans. The first person he encounters: Frances Shackelford, who’s there on a shopping trip with her father, is in love with Charles. She decides to steal on board the Lee to woo him.

The race begins with a surprise. Out of the starting gate, Cannon pins the Natchez in in the harbor until his Lee is well on her way up the river, outsmarting Leathers–who’s known for his cheating,

Frances quickly runs into the young, very handsome, war hero—ladies’ man and fortune hunter—Albert Eberman. Frances slowly finds herself falling for the handsome cavalryman’s charms.

One hundred miles into the race, a failing boiler on the Lee puts the race in dire jeopardy. All on board could be killed if it bursts. Cannon has a decision to make: end the race—or try to go on.

Engineer John Wiest saves the race, to his great peril, repairing the leak before disaster strikes.

Before Frances knows it, Albert proposes marriage to her, making Charles feel very jealous.

Charles decides to tell Richard of the nefarious fortune hunter. Neither one a fan of the other, they decide to team up to rescue her from Albert.

The race—and its perils–are far from over, as the captains enter Devil’s Country, a long stretch of river between Cairo and St. Louis fraught with dangers even the best, most experienced steamboat and captain dread to traverse.

And then, an unseasonably thick, opaque fog settles in, making it almost impossible to see anything beyond the bow of either steamer.

The fog too thick, too dangerous to risk his newly built steamboat to the dangerous rocks hidden below the Mississippi waters, Leathers finally gives in and ties up the Natchez to wait it out until morning.

But Cannon’s men refuse to give up. Enoch King, the pilot hired to get them through Devil’s Country, asks for the “best eyes” on board to help navigate the Lee through the thick fog. Charles volunteers to head the little boat that will course the Lee’s way through to Grand Tower.

Just before dawn, as they reach Grand Tower, the fog suddenly, miraculously dissipates long enough to clear a straight pathway to St. Louis. Cannon takes full advantage and it’s FULL STEAM AHEAD for the Robert E. Lee!

A full six hours ahead of the Natchez, the Lee makes her triumphant entry into St. Louis as STREAMS of spectators RUN to greet her. Cannons fire. Celebration fills the air. And there’s a photo finish!

Albert’s advances are thwarted, and as for Charles and Frances, watching it all on the Texas Deck as they trundle into St. Louis, there’s another proposal of marriage, this time between Charles and Frances, who discover how much they truly love each other.