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Day 11 Assignments
Reply to post your assignment.
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19 Replies
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Tracy’s Query Letter DRAFT 4
January 1778: Against all odds, Anna Stone makes a daring solo journey to Valley Forge with supplies for her husband…and ends up saving the American Revolution!
REVOLUTIONARY ANNA is based on a true story. In 1776, Anna Stone has it all: a rewarding vocation as her community’s healer, great kids, and a passionate relationship with her husband, Benjamin, who sees her as his equal. That is, until he enlists in the Continental Army without consulting her.
As the war drags on, news of disease and starvation at Valley Forge triggers Anna’s fears. Orphaned at age nine, she spent her youth as an indentured servant. If Benjamin dies, their children will be “orphans” under the law and Anna will lose them to the state.
Determined to save Benjamin and her children’s futures, even at the risk of her own life, Anna devises a plan to bring help. Her uncle, formerly her guardian, bankrolls her trip, but his devious plan has her unwittingly deliver funds to a smuggling ring that steals from the American army.
When a congressman recruits Anna to carry a message that could change the course of the war to General Washington, she gets a chance to make up for her uncle’s treachery. But just hours into her mission, an intimidating man blocks her path and demands the letter. Anna must outwit and outrun him the remaining 80 miles to Valley Forge. The revolution is at stake!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Anna and Benjamin Stone are my sixth-great-grandparents. This screenplay is based on my novel Answering Liberty’s Call: Anna Stone’s Daring Ride to Valley Forge, which was a #1 Best Seller in U.S. Historical Fiction on Amazon and won Honorable Mention in the Historical Fiction Company’s 2021 Book of the Year Contest.
Tracy Lawson
(contact info here)
Tracy’s Query Letter DRAFT 3
January 1778: Against all odds, Anna Stone makes a daring solo journey to Valley Forge with supplies for her husband…and ends up saving the American Revolution!
REVOLUTIONARY ANNA is based on a true story. In 1776, Anna Stone has it all: a rewarding career as her community’s healer, great kids, and a passionate relationship with her progressive preacher husband, Benjamin, who sees her as his equal. That is, until he enlists in the Continental Army without consulting her.
As the war drags on, news of disease and starvation at Valley Forge trigger Anna’s fears. Orphaned at age nine, she spent her youth as an indentured servant. If Benjamin dies, their children will be “orphans” under the law and Anna will lose them to the state.
Determined to save Benjamin and her children’s future, even at the risk of her own life, Anna devises a plan to bring help. Her uncle, formerly her guardian, bankrolls her trip, but his devious plan has her unwittingly deliver funds to a smuggling ring that steals from the American army.
When a congressman recruits Anna to carry a message to General Washington—one that can change the course of the war—she sees her chance to make up for her uncle’s treachery. But just hours into her mission, an intimidating man blocks her path and demands the letter. Anna must outwit and outrun him the remaining 80 miles to Valley Forge. The revolution is at stake!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Anna and Benjamin Stone are my sixth-great-grandparents. This screenplay is based on my novel Answering Liberty’s Call: Anna Stone’s Daring Ride to Valley Forge. My screenplays have been finalists in the Inroads Screenwriting Fellowship and the Filmmatic TV Pilot Awards.
Tracy Lawson
Wanna swap? Hit me up at tracy.s.lawson@gmail.com
Tracy’s Query Letter DRAFT 2
January 1778: Against all odds, Anna Stone makes a daring solo journey to Valley Forge with supplies for her husband…and ends up saving the American Revolution!
REVOLUTIONARY ANNA is based on a true story: In 1776, Anna Stone has it all: a rewarding career as her community’s healer, great kids, and a passionate relationship with her progressive preacher husband, Benjamin, who sees her as his equal. That is, until he enlists in the Continental Army without consulting her.
As the war drags on, news of disease and starvation at Valley Forge trigger Anna’s fears. Orphaned at age nine, she spent her youth as an indentured servant. If Benjamin dies, their children will be “orphans” under the law and Anna will lose them to the state, her worst fear.
Determined to save Benjamin and her children’s future, even at the risk of her own life, Anna devises a plan to bring help. Her uncle, formerly her guardian, bankrolls her trip, but his devious plan has her unwittingly deliver funds to a smuggling ring that steals from the American army.
With time running out, a congressman recruits Anna to carry an urgent message to General Washington, one that can change the course of the war. But just hours into her mission, she is stopped by an intimidating man who blocks her path and demands the letter. Anna must outwit and outrun him the remaining 80 miles to Valley Forge; the revolution is at stake!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am a direct descendant of the subjects of REVOLUTIONARY ANNA and author of the novel Answering Liberty’s Call: Anna Stone’s Daring Ride to Valley Forge, on which the screenplay is based. My screenplays have been finalists in the Inroads Screenwriting Fellowship and the Filmmatic TV Pilot Awards.
Tracy Lawson
Tracy’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned: Everything this class has made us think about–10 most interesting things, etc. has prepared us to disseminate that information into a query letter that delivers, powerfully and succinctly.
Looking forward to critiques! Please hit me up (email below) and let’s make our queries even better!
Anna Stone: “After what I’ve endured to bring this message, I’ll not stand for your sharp tongue, sir. I’m no soldier you can order about. Now let me pass.”
REVOLUTIONARY ANNA is based on a true story: Anna makes a daring solo journey to Valley Forge to save her man—and ends up saving the American Revolution!
In 1776, Anna has it all: a rewarding career as her community’s healer, great kids, and a passionate relationship with her progressive preacher husband, Benjamin, who sees her as his equal. That is, until he enlists in the Continental Army without consulting her.
As the war drags on, news of disease and starvation at Valley Forge trigger Anna’s fears. Orphaned at age nine, she spent her youth as an indentured servant. If Benjamin dies, their children will be “orphans” under the law and Anna will have no influence in their lives. It is better to sacrifice herself and try to save him.
Anna’s uncle, who was once her guardian, bankrolls her trip, but tricks her into delivering funds to a smuggling ring that steals supplies from the army.
Furious, Anna tries to undo the damage, and gets her chance to support the revolution when a congressman recruits her to carry an urgent message to General Washington. But just hours into her mission, an intimidating man blocks her path and demands the letter. Anna has only one choice—outwit and outrun her pursuer the remaining 80 miles to Valley Forge.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am a direct descendant of the subjects of REVOLUTIONARY ANNA and author of the novel Answering Liberty’s Call: Anna Stone’s Daring Ride to Valley Forge, on which the screenplay is based. My screenplays have been finalists in the Inroads Screenwriting Fellowship and the Filmmatic TV Pilot Awards.
Tracy Lawson
(contact info here)
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Tracy Lawson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Tracy Lawson. Reason: consolidating all my drafts into one reply
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Tracy Lawson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Sky Canyon’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is that there’s the story and there’s the punch. The query has to lift off the page and evoke a “I want to see this movie” response. I’m going to read the other posts from the class and see what I can learn, then do draft #2.
Dear [producer]
I have an original 110-page feature dramedy, titled, THE MILLIONAIRE MONK.
Here’s the quick pitch:“I’ll teach the monks to trade the market!”
When Wall Street guru-wannabe Jack Weissman receives a deliberate bad tip that crashes his career and marriage, his desperate attempts to get his life back take him on a strange journey that lands him in a Tibetan monastery.
The head monk – whom Jack dubs “Mr. Miyagi” – challenges his ego and pushes a reluctant Jack to learn meditation, yoga and “ommm” – to the amusement of monks, yaks and the monastery cat. However, when Jack discovers that the monks are in dire financial straits, he has a light bulb moment, and under his tutelage, the monastery prospers…
…until the Chinese military arrive, smash computers and arrest Miyagi.
With “loser” ringing in his ears, renewed determination drives Jack to lead the “Millionaire Monks” in massive success for Tibet, just as China is wracked with an environmental disaster.
But, the monastery’s techno-nerdy monk perfects a device to help China, and Jack hatches a plan to free Miyagi. Unaware that Miyagi’s secret past has already sealed his fate – the plan backfires, landing Jack in jail facing a life or death ultimatum.
Has Miyagi’s training prepared Jack to emerge as the man he was meant to be?
Jack must make the trade of his life – the fate of nations hangs in the balance.
If you like the concept, I would be happy to send you the script.
BIO – Sky Canyon:
· ScreenwritingU.com Pro Series Alumni;
· Hot 100 List, Capital Fund Screenplay Competition; Moondance International Film Festival FINALIST
· Original President/Publisher, New World Library, international self-help bestsellers; also a published author and music producer.
CONTACT:
Sky Canyon
[contact info]
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Sky Canyon.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Tracy’s Query Letter DRAFT 2
January 1778: Against all odds, Anna Stone makes a daring solo journey to Valley Forge with supplies for her husband…and ends up saving the American Revolution!
REVOLUTIONARY ANNA is based on a true story: In 1776, Anna Stone has it all: a rewarding career as her community’s healer, great kids, and a passionate relationship with her progressive preacher husband, Benjamin, who sees her as his equal. That is, until he enlists in the Continental Army without consulting her.
As the war drags on, news of disease and starvation at Valley Forge trigger Anna’s fears. Orphaned at age nine, she spent her youth as an indentured servant. If Benjamin dies, their children will be “orphans” under the law and Anna will lose them to the state, her worst fear.
Determined to save Benjamin and her children’s future, even at the risk of her own life, Anna devises a plan to bring help. Her uncle, formerly her guardian, bankrolls her trip, but his devious plan has her unwittingly deliver funds to a smuggling ring that steals from the American army.
With time running out, a congressman recruits Anna to carry an urgent message to General Washington, one that can change the course of the war. But just hours into her mission, she is stopped by an intimidating man who blocks her path and demands the letter. Anna must outwit and outrun him the remaining 80 miles to Valley Forge; the revolution is at stake!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
I am a direct descendant of the subjects of REVOLUTIONARY ANNA and author of the novel Answering Liberty’s Call: Anna Stone’s Daring Ride to Valley Forge, on which the screenplay is based. My screenplays have been finalists in the Inroads Screenwriting Fellowship and the Filmmatic TV Pilot Awards.
Tracy Lawson
Wanna swap? Hit me up at tracy.s.lawson@gmail.com
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Tracy Lawson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Tracy Lawson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Sky Canyon’s Query Letter Draft TWO
Received good feedback – helped me refine the Query Letter:
Dear [producer]
I have an original 110-page feature dramedy, titled, THE MILLIONAIRE MONK.
Here’s the quick pitch:
“I’ll teach the monks to trade the market!”
When Wall Street guru-wannabe Jack Weissman receives a deliberate bad tip that crashes his career and marriage, his desperate attempts to get his life back mysteriously land him in a Tibetan monastery.
The head monk – whom Jack dubs “Mr. Miyagi” – challenges his ego and pushes a reluctant Jack to learn meditation, yoga and “ommm” – to the amusement of monks, yaks and the monastery cat. However, when Jack discovers that the monks are in dire financial straits, he has a light bulb moment, and under his tutelage, the monastery prospers…
…until the Chinese military arrive, smash computers, and arrest Miyagi.
Defeated, but then with new-found determination, Jack leads the “Millionaire Monks” to acquire massive financial resources for Tibet, just as China grapples with an environmental disaster.
Meanwhile, the monastery’s techno-nerdy monk perfects a device to help China, and Jack hatches a plan to free Miyagi. Unaware that Miyagi’s secret past has already sealed his fate, the plan backfires, landing Jack in jail facing a life-or-death ultimatum.
Has Miyagi’s training prepared Jack to emerge as the man he was meant to be?
Jack must make the trade of his life – the fate of nations hangs in the balance.
I hope you find this enticing, and if so, I would love to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Sky Canyon
BIO – Sky Canyon:
· ScreenwritingU.com Pro Series Alumni;
· Hot 100 List, Capital Fund Screenplay Competition; Moondance International Film Festival FINALIST
· Original President/Publisher, New World Library, international self-help bestsellers; also a published author and music producer.
CONTACT:
Sky Canyon
[contact info]
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Sky Canyon.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Sky Canyon.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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What I learned doing this assignment is revising my first draft of my query letter:
First Query Letter:
A spoiled rotten socialite supported by her rich parents gets cut-off financially and must start at the bottom to survive — this is my touching family comedy, The Cut-Off Heiress. It follows a spoiled 19-year-old socialite who takes gross advantage of her wealthy parents to the point they cut her off financially. As she’s forced to survive on her own, she must find work, a place to live and pay her own way for the first time. Trying to fend for herself has its challenges, but when she begins working at a homeless shelter her eyes to life really open and it causes her to become a better person.
This is a funny story with heartfelt elements that follow a naïve young woman trying to find her way in life. Audiences will laugh during scenes such as the socialite showing up over fashionably dressed to her first job interview with her small dogs in tow and her giving herself a manicure during worktime. And audiences will be touched by her transformation from being selfish and entitled to becoming humble and independent with a passion for helping others.
I’ve received my BA in Film Writing from California State University, Los Angeles and have developed family stories for the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime. I’ve also written screenplays in the family genre for Greystoke Entertainment.
Please feel free to contact me if you’d like to read my script. Thank you for your time and attention.
(my name & contact info here)
Revised Query Letter:
A spoiled socialite supported by her rich parents gets cut-off financially and must start at the bottom to survive — this is my touching family comedy, The Cut-Off Heiress. It follows a spoiled 19-year-old socialite who takes gross advantage of her wealthy parents to the point they cut her off financially. As she’s forced to survive on her own, she must find work, a place to live and pay her own way for the first time. When she turns to her boyfriend and best friends for help, she gets dumped and dismissed, realizing she’s truly on her own. Trying to fend for herself has its challenges, but when she begins working at a homeless shelter her eyes and heart really open and it causes her to become a better person. And as the paparazzi follows her every move, she must prove to them, her parents and the world that she’s truly changed for the better.
This is a funny story with heartfelt elements that follow a naïve young woman trying to find her way in life. Audiences will laugh during scenes such as the socialite showing up over fashionably dressed to her first job interview with her small dogs in tow and her hilariously getting fired from multiple jobs when trying to find the right gig. And audiences will be touched by her transformation from being selfish and entitled to becoming humble and independent with a passion for helping others.
I’ve received my BA in Film Writing from California State University, Los Angeles and have developed family stories for the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime. I’ve also written screenplays in the family genre for Greystoke Entertainment.
Please feel free to contact me if you’d like to read my script. Thank you for your time and attention.
(my name & contact info here)
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Ron Horton’s 2nd draft of Query Letter, for “Charley’s River.”
What I’ve learned is that I need to continue to cut where I can to make my query a quick read. I’m not sure I’m really comfortable with the critquing part of this lesson. I feel it’s akin to being in a Trig class and and having the instructor tell us you’re on your own. I’m going for coffee. Figure it out. My cratique could be way off base.
Dear ……….;
Bio: Ron Horton studied screenwriting at Mount Hood College. His first screenplay made the quarter finals of Scriptapalooza. He is an outdoorsman who has real life experience with white water rafting.
Charley’s River is a Drama/Adventure based loosly on the life of Charley Havenrich.
Charley may have only one chance at love. Diving into a class 5 river rapid was not what he bargained for. It will either seal the deal, or cost him everything.
Charley Fox, a financial genius, is stuck in his rat race, 7-figure Chicago job. His only escape is through daydreams of White-Water Rafting on the Colorado River.
The women he wants to be with, Susan, isn’t available, having Jack, a very big boyfriend, who has a badge, a gun… and a temper. To fill the loneliness, Charley is seduced by Marla, a woman scorned, with an axe to grind from 15 years ago. Charley’s going to prison if she has her way.
Charley’s “fixer,” Felicity Heart goes to work, and Marla more than meets her match.
During Felicity’s takedown, Charley goes to the Colorado, and works with his former white water rafting buddy. Susan and Jack show up as river guests. Charley has to save Jack from the river. This life-threatening event turns Susan to Charley, and they become serious.
On their honeymoon river trip, Charley ends up out of the raft, and he’s sucked to the bottom. Susan goes after him.
They end up on the beach, exhausted, un-scathed, and dry. It’s not until they see their bodies hauled out of the river, do they realize they are now forever, river ghosts.
If you’d like to see more, my script is ready to send.
Sincerely,
Ron Horton
ronhorton21@msn.com-
This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Ron Horton.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Ron Horton.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Lee Skore’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is: as usual, I find some of your directions very confusing. Also, I think draft two is stronger than draft one.
DRAFT ONE:
Dear…,
BIO: I have written other screenplays and have had several producers express interest in them. I wrote TELLING LIES with the guidance of my mentor, Chris Soth.
GUNSHOTS. Corey screams, “Stop killing me.” She wakes… from the same nightmare she’s had for twenty-five years.
That day Corey and the sheriff explore an abandone cottage. She finds an old photo of a three-year-old who looks like her, but with people she does not recognize. That night, someone tries to kill her.
Corey and the sheriff struggle to learn the mystery of her past.
Who wants Corey dead? What is he after? Can Corey and the sheriff bring him to justice before he kills her to keep his secret?
If you like the concept of TELLING LIES, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Best regards,
Lee Skore
(contact information)
DRAFT TWO
Dear…,
TELLING LIES
Genre: Mystery
Logline: A Nantucket woman’s recurring nightmares turn out to be repressed memories of her parents’ murders and now someone wants to kill her, too, but she only survives if she and the sheriff can solve the mystery of her past.
BIO: I’ve written other scripts, but this one I wrote with the guidance of my mentor, Chris Soth.
GUNSHOTS. Corey screams, “Stop killing me.” She wakes… from the same nightmare she’s had for twenty-five years.
That day, Corey and the sheriff explore an abandoned cottage. She finds an old photo of a three-year-old girl who looks like her with people she doesn’t recognize in a place she claims she’s never been. That night, someone tries to kill her.
She learns she’s adopted. Her parents found her in the abandoned cottage among three murdered people. Their skeletons are found. Corey’s DNA matches two of them.
Can Corey and the sheriff learn the mystery of her past before the murderer kills her too?
If you like the concept of TELLING LIES, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Best regards,
Lee Skore
801-296-1566
88 W 50 S, #J-9, Centerville, UT 84014
Please critique. Thank you.
DRAFT THREE
TELLING LIES
Genre: Mystery
Logline: Corey’s recurring nightmares are repressed memories of her parents’ murders twenty-five years ago, but now someone is trying to kill her, too, and she only survives if she solves the mystery of her past.
Bio: I wrote TELLING LIES with the guidance of my mentor, Chris Soth; ScreenwritingU ProSeries Alumni.
GUNSHOTS. Corey screams, “Stop killing me.” She wakes… from the same nightmare she has every night.
That day, the mayor, Corey’s boss, insists she give the newly hired sheriff, a retired SEAL, a tour of the island. They explore an abandoned cottage. She finds an old photo of herself when she was three with people she doesn’t recognize. The sheriff believes she knows them, she claims she doesn’t. Corey shows the photo to frinds at dinner. That night, someone runs her car off the road into the ocean. The sheriff rescues her.
Her parents admit she’s adopted. They found her in the abandoned cottage among three murdered people. They tell the sheriff the murders were never investigated.
The sheriff searches the cottage and finds three skeletons. Corey’s DNA matches two of them.
Who wants Corey dead? Why did they kill her parents? What are the after now? Can Corey and the sheriff bring them to justice before they kill Corey to keep their secret?
If you like the concept of TELLING LIES, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Best regards,
Lee Skore
801-296-1566
88 W. 50 South, #J-9
Centerville, UT 84014
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by LEE SKORE.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by LEE SKORE.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Marian’s Query Letter Draft ONE
What I learned doing this assignment is, that I was able to shorten my QL even further than I thought.
(SUBJECT LINE) Wetsands – Survival-Thriller script based on true events
Dear (NAME),
did you know that there are deadly dangers in the popular vacation destination North Sea?
My survival thriller script “Wetsands” is based on true events. The female-focused story is about a mudflat crossing that becomes a deadly fight for survival for 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa.
Before I went to the Munich Academy of Motion Pictures and Television, I grew up on a North Sea Island.
Attached you find a short promo that gives the background and concept of “Wetsands”.
Does this sound like an interesting project for you? I would be happy to send you the script!
Best regards and thanks for your effort!
Name / Contact Info
Looking forward to critiques! Thank you very much!
E-Mail: marian.redmann@t-online.de
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/marian-redmann/
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Hi Marian,
Thanks for connecting. Reading your QL – I would use the information in the promo that ou indicate is attached (didn’t see it here) for the QL – not have the producer open another document to learn about this. Also, my suggested re-write:
Dear. . . .
[indicate that you are general manager at a film company here].
When 25-year-old beach volleyball player Hannah and her younger sister Tessa attempt to cross a mudflat at a popular North Sea destination vacation spot, a leisurely stroll becomes a deadly fight for survival.
[need to add a couple of key hooks, but the concept is good and a strong start]
This feature thriller is based on true events.
Hope this is helpful!
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Tracy’s Query Letter DRAFT 3
January 1778: Against all odds, 29-year-old Anna Stone makes a daring solo journey to Valley Forge with supplies for her husband…and ends up saving the American Revolution!
REVOLUTIONARY ANNA is based on a true story. In 1776, Anna has it all: a rewarding career as her community’s healer, great kids, and a passionate relationship with her progressive preacher husband, Benjamin, who sees her as his equal. That is, until he enlists in the Continental Army without consulting her.
As the war drags on, news of disease and starvation at Valley Forge trigger Anna’s fears. Orphaned at age nine, she spent her youth as an indentured servant. If Benjamin dies, their children will be “orphans” under the law and Anna will lose them to the state.
Determined to save Benjamin and her children’s future, even at the risk of her own life, Anna devises a plan to bring help. Her uncle, formerly her guardian, bankrolls her trip, but his devious plan has her unwittingly deliver funds to a smuggling ring that steals from the American army.
When a congressman recruits Anna to carry a message to General Washington—one that can change the course of the war—she sees her chance to make up for her uncle’s treachery. But just hours into her mission, an intimidating man blocks her path and demands the letter. Anna must outwit and outrun him the remaining 80 miles to Valley Forge. The revolution is at stake!
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Anna and Benjamin Stone are my sixth-great-grandparents. This screenplay is based on my novel Answering Liberty’s Call: Anna Stone’s Daring Ride to Valley Forge. My screenplays have been finalists in the Inroads Screenwriting Fellowship and the Filmmatic TV Pilot Awards.
Tracy Lawson
Wanna swap? Hit me up at tracy.s.lawson@gmail.com
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Tracy Lawson.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Lee Skore’s Query Letter DRAFT 4
TELLING LIES
Genre: Mystery
Logline: A Nantucket woman’s recurring nightmares are repressed memories of her parents’ murders twenty-five years ago, but now someone is trying to kill her, too. To survive, she must solve the mystery of her past.
GUNSHOTS. Corey screams, “Stop killing me.” She wakes… from a nightmare she has every night.
That day, the mayor insists Corey give the newly hired sheriff, a retired SEAL, a tour of the island. They explore an abandoned cottage. She finds an old photo of herself when she was three with people she doesn’t recognize. She shows the photo to friends. That night, a car forces her car over a cliff into the ocean. The sheriff rescues her.
Her parents confess she’s adopted. They found her in the abandoned cottage among three murdered people. They lied to protect her from the killer and tell the sheriff the murders were never investigated.
The sheriff finds three skeletons down a well at the cottage. Corey’s DNA matches two of them.
Who wants Corey dead? Whose lies threaten her life?
If you like the concept of TELLING LIES, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Bio: I wrote TELLING LIES with the guidance of my mentor, Chris Soth; ScreenwritingU ProSeries 63 Alum.
Best regards,
Lee Skore
801-296-1566
88 W. 50 S., #J-9
Centerville, UT 84014
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Rod’s Query Letter Draft One.
In this lesson I learned to tighten the query letter and concentrate on the story hooks.
Revised query letter:
(Subject line if emailed: Script offered by produced screenwriter)
Hi (name)
Your life changes when you find a naked girl in a burnt out car.
Recovering, Lisa, being terrified to tell Brad who tried to kill her, finally trusts him enough to confess then learns Brad could be a rapist/killer.
And Brad discovers the killer she named died two years ago.
Then the killer strikes, kidnaps Lisa, sets a trap for Brad. Seriously injured, can Brad recover enough to save Lisa and take down the killer?
Abandoned To Die (a contained drama/thriller). If you like the concept, we’ll be happy to send the script.
BIO: Rod Cavin is an award winner and produced writer of feature film AMERICAN WISPER (aka WISPER), which has won 60+ festival awards, including two for Best Screenplay. For this script, he joins forces with writer-producer Stephanie K. Deal.
Thank you,
Rod and StephRod Cavin/email/phone/address/IMDb and LinkedIn links.
Same for Steph.
I’m still catching up. Anyone want to critique?
rodcavin@gmail..com
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Tracy’s Query Letter Draft 5
Dear ____,
January 1778: Against all odds, 29-year-old Anna Stone makes a daring solo journey to Valley Forge with supplies for her husband…and ends up saving the American Revolution!
REVOLUTIONARY ANNA is based on a true story. In 1776, Anna has it all: a rewarding vocation as her community’s healer, a growing family, and a passionate relationship with her husband, Benjamin, who sees her as his equal. That is, until he enlists in the Continental Army without consulting her.
As the war drags on, news of disease and starvation at Valley Forge triggers Anna’s fears. Orphaned at age nine, she spent her youth as an indentured servant. If Benjamin dies, their children will be “orphans” under the law and Anna will lose them to the state.
Determined to save Benjamin and her children’s futures, even at the risk of her own life, Anna devises a plan to bring help. Her uncle, formerly her guardian, bankrolls her trip, but his devious plan has her unwittingly deliver funds to a smuggling ring that steals from the American army.
When a congressman recruits Anna to carry a message to General Washington that could change the course of the war, she gets a chance to make up for her uncle’s treachery. But just hours into her mission, an intimidating man blocks her path and demands the letter. Anna must outwit and outrun him the remaining 80 miles to Valley Forge. The revolution is at stake!
Anna and Benjamin Stone are my sixth-great-grandparents. This screenplay is based on my novel Answering Liberty’s Call: Anna Stone’s Daring Ride to Valley Forge, which was a #1 Best Seller in U.S. Historical Fiction on Amazon and won Honorable Mention in the Historical Fiction Company’s 2021 Book of the Year Contest.
Tracy Stone Lawson
(contact info here)
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Rod’s Query Letter Draft Two.
I’m so many days behind, I don’t know if I’ll hear from anyone so charged ahead with more editing to make the hooks sharper.
Revised query letter the second time around.
(Subject line if emailed: Script offered by produced screenwriter)
Hi (name)
Your life changes when you find a naked girl locked in a burnt out car.
Recovering, Lisa, terrified to reveal her deadly secret, begins to trust Brad then learns he could be worse than her attacker and tries to escape.
Brad stops her, reveals his real credentials and she finally reveals her attacker.
But Brad knows she lied. The man she named died two years ago.
Then the killer strikes, kidnaps Lisa and takes Brad down. And Lisa is given a choice.
Does she give in to a sex-crazed killer to save her life?
Abandoned To Die (a contained drama/thriller). If you like the concept, we’ll be happy to send the script.
BIO: Rod Cavin is a produced writer on assignment of feature film AMERICAN WISPER (aka WISPER), which has won 60+ festival awards, including two for Best Screenplay. For this script, he joins forces with writer-producer Stephanie K. Deal.
Thank you,
Rod and StephRod Cavin
rodcavin@gmail.com/plus email/phone/address/IMDb and LinkedIn links.Same for Steph.
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Hi Rod!
I sent feedback to your email yesterday. Let me know if you didn’t receive it.
Tracy
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Rod’s Query Letter Draft Three.
Learning more from feedback.
(Subject line if emailed: Script offered by produced screenwriter)
Hi (name)
Your life changes when you find a naked, traumatized girl locked in a burnt out car.
Abandoned To Die is a contained drama/thriller.
While Lisa recovers, Brad conceals his own past as he works to gain her trust—but just as she’s ready to reveal her attacker, she learns Brad could be a serial rapist killer!
Brad overcomes her fears and persuades her to reveal who tried to kill her. But Brad’s investigation proves the man she named died two years ago.
Brad finally gets the whole truth from her but before he can get her to safety the killer strikes, kidnaps Lisa and takes Brad down. How can he overcome his serious injuries, save Lisa and take the killer down?
BIO: Rod Cavin is a produced writer on assignment of feature film AMERICAN WISPER (aka WISPER), which has won 60+ festival awards, including two for best screenplay. For this script, he joins forces with writer-producer Stephanie K. Deal.
Thank you for your consideration.
Rod and Steph
Rod Cavin
rodcavin@gmail.com/plus email/phone/address/IMDb and LinkedIn links.Same for Steph.
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I’m a bit frustrated. Without instructor involvement in my answers I have no idea if I’m even close. My pitch feels good to me, but after using it I feel it needs more depth. This is the kind of input I could really use from my instructor.
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Lisa’s Query Letter Draft One
What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m going into uncharted territory and it feels uncomfortable. I still feel like I need to know more before sending it out, or maybe I just need to do it. I would love some input on my query letter. Thanks!
Hi (name)
“Where do you get your protein?” is a question Jane gets asked all day every day. Annoying, yes but is it really worth killing over?
After Jane gets hit by a slaughterhouse truck doing animal activism, a vampire saves her life by giving her some of his blood. Initially, Jane chooses to die as she should have and spend her final hours with her sick mother, but she gives in to the temptation, biting her annoying co-worker and sealing her destiny as a vampire. The vampires of Orange County happen to be famous vampires from literature: Bram Stoker, Mina, Lucy and Vlad. What Jane doesn’t know is that the blood they had been supplying her with comes from farmed humans who have been taken off the streets of OC to provide the vampires blood against their will.
A group of rednecks believe the vampires have a secret society like the Illuminati that controls every aspect of their lives through brainwashing, secret meetings under pizza parlors, bird surveillance, etc. Most people think that they are just crazy, but they’re actually right, except vegans can’t be compelled, so the vampires want to put an end to veganism.
This story is unique because we haven’t seen a vegan as the protagonist, especially not a vegan vampire who is a black woman pursuing her doctorate in medical research. Veganism is trending right now among celebrities and everyday people. The plant-based treaty was just unanimously passed by Los Angeles City Council, which will help to shift to a plant-based food system to mitigate the climate crisis, which makes Jane the Vegan a very timely story which can educate while being hilarious and amusing.
Melinda and Lisa first went vegan more than 25 years ago when their mother went vegan. Not knowing the term, they pronounced it wrong until they finally met other vegans. They co-wrote on a feature Film, Guillotine, currently in post production, and their script, Jane The Vegan is currently rated in the top 35% on Coverfly.
I would love to send you the script!
If anyone would like to exchange input, you can email me at Lisa.molenda@gmail.com
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