Day 11 Assignments

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 11

Subject: Alan’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned from doing this assignment is…improving the scene structure can really add to the suspense for the reader/audience.

(NOTE: I chose two short scenes, so instead of writing out beats, I simply rewrote the scene each time.)

MINOR SCENE – MAJOR IMPROVEMENT

2) Components: Advances the plot to show Madison traveling to Denver.

ORIGINAL:

INT. BUS – NIGHT – MOVING

Madison sleeps curled up in a window seat.

SUPERIOR POSITION:

INT. BUS – NIGHT – MOVING

Naïve and innocent, Madison sleeps curled up in a window seat.

Across the aisle, a sleazy CREEPER (40) leers at her.

TWIST:

INT. BUS – NIGHT – MOVING

Comfortable, Madison peacefully sleeps curled up in a window seat.

A sleazy CREEPER (40) sneaks down the aisle, slips into the seat next to her, leers at her and rubs his hands together.

Suspense/Surprise:

INT. BUS – NIGHT

Dark, empty, eerie. Curled up all-alone, Madison sleeps in a window seat.

Towering HULK (50) creeps up to her and reaches out.

HULK

(gently shakes her)

Miss. Wake up, Miss. End of the line. You need to change buses.

Madison wakes. Hulk protectively helps her off the bus.

4) Choice: SUSPENSE/SURPRISE

SCENE #2

2) Components: Introduces two major and one minor characters.

ORIGINAL:

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Retro chic, brick walls and a hardwood bar.

Behind the bar, jovial bartender BUCK (40), batters a cocktail shaker with his bear paws.

Buck sets the green appletini in front of ERIN RAYNER (25ish), a smart, trusting, pale brunette wearing a tan sweater and jeans sits on a round backless bar stool.

Seated beside her, ROLEX GUY (40), massive and cunning, wears an Armani suit, gold chains and a gold Rolex.

ROLEX GUY

Fluent in Mandarin. Wow, Erin.

Suspense/Superior Position:

INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT

Retro chic, brick walls and a hardwood bar.

Seated next to a brunette on swivel backless barstools, ROLEX GUY (40), massive and cunning, wears an Armani suit, gold chains and a gold Rolex. He pulls a small silver “GHB” packet from his pocket and hides it hidden under the bar top.

Behind the bar, jovial bartender BUCK (40), uses his bear paws to batter a cocktail shaker.

Buck sets a green appletini in front of the brunette, ERIN RAYNER (25ish), a smart, brave, trusting, pale brunette wearing a tan sweater and jeans.

ROLEX GUY

Fluent in Mandarin. Wow, Erin.

4) Choice: SUSPENSE/SUPERIOR POSITION

[Erica Miner]

All much improved. The TWIST Bus Scene worked especially well. It really got me.

KEEP GOING.

Erica

[Erica Miner]

Subject: Erica Miner Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned from doing this assignment is…This one was hard; each permutation of techniques peels off the layers of what needs to be done in my script and gives me more of a sense of how to make subtle but compelling changes.

<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>1. From your script, select a scene that would benefit from a more compelling scene structure. Place it at the top of the page, then do the rest of the items below in order.

9. INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT

An anonymous tip sends Larry and Buddy to Sidney’s apartment, where they discover a cache of drugs, weapons, and ammo in a closet. They take Sidney and his cohort Damon into custody.

2. List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.

What am I trying to accomplish?

A. Sidney is not the idealized ‘brother’ Julia thought she had.

B. Increase the conflict between Sidney and Larry.

C. Present both Larry and Buddy and Sidney and Damon with a loaded situation.

3. Imagine the scene being played out through each of the 11 scene structures listed above…write out the three best ones

SUPERIOR POSITION

– At the beginning of the scene, we are clued into a key piece of information that the main character doesn’t know. We watch as they make mistakes or enter dangerous territories because they don’t know what we know.

Sidney and his fellow druggie Damon indulge in illegal drugs, not knowing they are about to be invaded by a SWAT team headed by detectives Larry and Buddy.

CRUCIBLE

– The characters are placed in a setting or situation where they can’t avoid facing each other and the conflict. Just by creating a crucible, you heighten the conflict and the need for your lead character to survive it.

Sidney and Damon are in a faceoff with Larry and Buddy. Sidney and Damon will have to confront and heap blame on each other and still have to cope with the ‘enemy’ at the gates.

COMPETITIVE AGENDAS

– The entire scene is designed to pit two characters against each other and have them play out their own agenda, either overtly or through subtext.

Larry and Sidney are naturally pitted against each other, but their personal agendas will heighten their conflict as well as Sidney’s conflict with Damon.

4. Make your choice of the new scene structure and rewrite the scene.

ORIGINAL:

INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, WEST 67^TH STREET/HALLWAY

Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.

LARRY
NYPD. Open up.

Sidney opens the door a crack, spies Larry, scowls. Larry leans in closely.

SIDNEY
What’s this about?

LARRY
We need to talk to you. Inside.

SIDNEY
Now’s not a good time. Maybe later.

LARRY
Nope. Maybe now is better.

Larry shoves his way in. The others follow, guns drawn.

INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT

A cavernous one-room studio, high ceilings, loft bed. Damon, seated on a sofa, leans over a coffee table, sniffing a line of cocaine. He looks up in panic as Buddy approaches. Buddy does a double take.

BUDDY
A valet moonlighting as a drug dealer?

He wrenches the speechless Damon to his feet and cuffs him. Larry and Cops search the room. Larry throws open a closet door, gestures to the others, who surround him, watching.

On the floor inside the closet is a gigantic carton. Larry opens it to reveal stashes of cocaine, weapons, boxes of ammo. Gestures to an OFFICER, who cuffs Sidney.

LARRY
You have the right to remain silent…

Officers lead Sidney and Damon off.

Larry sifts to the bottom of the carton, pulls out a packet of handwritten NOTES tied with a red ribbon. He and Buddy stare at it, puzzled.

New scene structure: CRUCIBLE, COMPETITIVE AGENDAS

REWRITE THE SCENE:

INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY/APARTMENT INTERIOR

Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.

LARRY
NYPD. Open up.

Sidney opens the door a crack, spies Larry, tries to shut the door. Larry is too quick for him, places his body in the opening, shoves the door further open.

LARRY
We need to talk.

Panicked, Sidney looks behind his shoulder, where Damon, aka Abel’s valet, is visible leaning over a coffee table, snorting a line of cocaine. Sidney gesticulates wildly to Damon, but the valet is too involved in what he’s doing to catch Sidney’s signals.

Larry forces his way in, closely followed by Buddy and the rest of the SWAT team. Seeing them, Damon jumps up, alarmed, causing his drug paraphernalia to scatter all over the table and floor. He strides to Sidney, confronting him.

DAMON

What the hell, Sidney? Why didn’t you warn me about these bastards?

SIDNEY

If I knew this was going down, would I let you sit there coating your nasal cavity?

Larry drags Sidney to the table. Swipes his finger in a pile of white powder, tastes it.

LARRY

What would your friend Julia think if she knew about this?

He pulls out a pair of handcuffs, slaps them on Sidney. Gestures to Buddy, who grabs Damon’s wrists.

BUDDY

This is how you train to be a valet?

Damon glowers. Buddy snaps cuffs on him. An OFFICER throws open a closet door, waves at Larry.

OFFICER

Boss, get a load of this.

Larry and Buddy yank Sidney and Damon toward the closet. The Officer rips open a hefty-sized carton, revealing stashes of cocaine, weapons, boxes of ammo. Larry sifts through the contents, finds a packet at the bottom: handwritten NOTES tied with a red ribbon. He holds them up to Sidney.

LARRY

Are these between you two? Or someone else?

Sidney sends a warning glance at Damon. Neither of them responds.

LARRY (CONT’D)

Fine. You have the right to remain silent. But I’m sure you knew that.

He and Buddy lead Sidney and Damon off.

REWRITE SCENE:

Subject: Erica Miner Elevated Scene Structures [2]

INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY/APARTMENT INTERIOR

Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.

LARRY
NYPD. Open up.

Sidney opens the door a crack, spies Larry, tries to shut the door. Larry is too quick for him, places his body in the opening, shoves the door further open.

LARRY
We need to talk.

Panicked, Sidney looks behind his shoulder, where Damon, aka Abel’s valet, is visible leaning over a coffee table, snorting a line of cocaine. Sidney gesticulates wildly to Damon, but the valet is too involved to catch Sidney’s signals.

Larry forces his way in, closely followed by Buddy and the rest of the SWAT team. Seeing them, Damon jumps up, alarmed, causing his drug paraphernalia to scatter all over the table and floor. He strides to Sidney, confronting him.

DAMON

What the hell, Sidney? Why didn’t you warn me about these bastards?

SIDNEY

If I knew this was going down, would I let you sit there coating your nasal cavity?

Larry approaches the table, swipes his finger in a pile of white powder, tastes it. Turns to Sidney.

LARRY

What would your friend Julia think if she knew about this?

Buddy watches closely as Damon, sweating nervously, clutches his back pocket. He reaches into Damon’s pocket, extracts a handgun, inspects it.

BUDDY

A 9 mm Luger? This is how you train to be a valet?

He pulls out a pair of handcuffs, snaps them on Damon’s wrists. Larry digs into Sidney’s pocket, finds the identical gun.

LARRY

Looks like you both were expecting company.

He cuffs Sidney. An OFFICER throws open a closet door, waves at Larry.

OFFICER

Boss, get a load of this.

Larry and Buddy yank Sidney and Damon toward the closet. The Officer rips open a hefty-sized carton, revealing stashes of cocaine, more weapons, boxes of ammo. Larry sifts through the contents. At the bottom he finds finds a packet of handwritten NOTES tied with a red ribbon. He holds them up to Sidney.

LARRY

Are these between you two? Or someone else?

Sidney sends a warning glance at Damon. Neither of them responds.

LARRY (CONT’D)

Fine. You have the right to remain silent. But I’m sure you knew that.

He and Buddy drag Sidney and Damon to the door, kicking but not screaming.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Erica Miner.

[Alan Larson]

Assignment Day 11 – Critique of Erica’s Elevated Scene Structures

Hi, Erica,

You’ve been continually making improvements to your writing and your script, so great job.

In this particular case, I think you have the opportunity to improve the conflict a lot by adding more danger. Larry and Buddy simply push their way into the room and handcuff Sidney and Damon. Larry and Buddy don’t appear to be in any danger. Simply having a gun somewhere on or next to Sidney or Damon or both of them would ramp up the intensity of this scene.

I know you can make this scene more intense. Give it another shot.

Keep up the great work,

– alan

[Erica Miner]

Subject: Erica Miner Elevated Scene Structures [2]

INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY/APARTMENT INTERIOR

Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.

LARRY
NYPD. Open up.

Sidney opens the door a crack, spies Larry, tries to shut the door. Larry is too quick for him, places his body in the opening, shoves the door further open.

LARRY
We need to talk.

Panicked, Sidney looks behind his shoulder, where Damon, aka Abel’s valet, is visible leaning over a coffee table, snorting a line of cocaine. Sidney gesticulates wildly to Damon, but the valet is too involved to catch Sidney’s signals.

Larry forces his way in, closely followed by Buddy and the rest of the SWAT team. Seeing them, Damon jumps up, alarmed, causing his drug paraphernalia to scatter all over the table and floor. He strides to Sidney, confronting him.

DAMON

What the hell, Sidney? Why didn’t you warn me about these bastards?

SIDNEY

If I knew this was going down, would I let you sit there coating your nasal cavity?

Larry approaches the table, swipes his finger in a pile of white powder, tastes it. Turns to Sidney.

LARRY

What would your friend Julia think if she knew about this?

Buddy watches closely as Damon, sweating nervously, clutches his back pocket. He reaches into Damon’s pocket, extracts a handgun, inspects it.

BUDDY

A 9 mm Luger? This is how you train to be a valet?

He pulls out a pair of handcuffs, snaps them on Damon’s wrists. Larry digs into Sidney’s pocket, finds the identical gun.

LARRY

Looks like you both were expecting company.

He cuffs Sidney. An OFFICER throws open a closet door, waves at Larry.

OFFICER

Boss, get a load of this.

Larry and Buddy yank Sidney and Damon toward the closet. The Officer rips open a hefty-sized carton, revealing stashes of cocaine, more weapons, boxes of ammo. Larry sifts through the contents. At the bottom he finds finds a packet of handwritten NOTES tied with a red ribbon. He holds them up to Sidney.

LARRY

Are these between you two? Or someone else?

Sidney sends a warning glance at Damon. Neither of them responds.

LARRY (CONT’D)

Fine. You have the right to remain silent. But I’m sure you knew that.

He and Buddy drag Sidney and Damon to the door, kicking but not screaming.

[Alan Larson]

11-2 Critique of Erica’s Elevated Scene Structures

Hi, Erica,

You improved the scene, but let me throw out a suggestion. If you used the Superior Position Structure, you could make it even more suspenseful. Add a super brief scene at the very beginning of this sequence inside the apartment. Show Damon putting the Luger in his back pocket and laying out the cocaine. Then when the cops bust in, the audience will all be in suspense because they know Damon has a gun and he’s snorting coke.

You’re improving all the time. Keep it up!

– alan

[Erica Miner]

INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT

A cavernous one-room studio, high ceilings, loft bed. Sidney practices the violin, looks on as Damon, aka Abel’s valet, packs a 9 mm Luger into his back pocket and lays out cocaine and related paraphernalia on a coffee table. Damon looks up, listens for a beat.

DAMON

That music goes just right with a couple of lines.

SIDNEY

I know how much you love Mozart.

INT. SIDNEY’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY

Armed NYPD COPS, along with Larry and Buddy, position themselves at the door. Larry raps loudly.

LARRY
NYPD. Open up.

APARTMENT INTERIOR

Sidney stops playing, carefully places his violin in the case, lumbers to the door. Opens the door a crack, spies Larry, tries to shut the door. Larry is too quick for him, places his body in the opening, shoves the door further open.

LARRY
We need to talk.

Panicked, Sidney looks behind his shoulder, where Damon is visible leaning over the coffee table, snorting a line of cocaine. Sidney gesticulates wildly to Damon, but the valet is too involved to catch Sidney’s signals.

Larry forces his way in, closely followed by Buddy and the rest of the SWAT team.

[Alan Larson]

11-3 Critique of Erica’s Elevated Scene Structures

Hi, Erica,

Yes. You nailed it.

Great job!

– alan

[Erica Miner]

XO

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned doing this assignment is that an adequate scene can be made so much more intense, and I found out that Dennis is a coward.

What are the components here:

Monica is determined to blame Dennis for Mom’s death

Alison defends her people and service.

I’m trying to accomplish:

Escalation of Monica’s inability to deal with her grief

A definite sore point for Dennis to work against her.

Original scene:

INT. ADVERTISING CO. – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica paces, waiting for a Skype call to connect. Alison appears on the screen.

ALISON

Miss Cassidy?

Monica takes her seat, glares into the screen.

MONICA

I want his records. Dennis Wiley.

ALISON

Why don’t you take a breath and start from the beginning.

MONICA

I’ll get a court order if I have to. You show me he didn’t cause my mother’s death.

Alison assumes her most professional cool.

ALISON

We see this every day. Children put their aging parents under care. Then when something happens, All Eyes did something wrong. There’s a psychological term for it.

MONICA

Transfer of guilt.

ALISON

So you know all about it.

MONICA

Psych major. That’s why my ads hit home. But that’s not what happened here.

ALISON

Are you sure? You’re still in shock. Angry. Maybe a little defensive. You were out of town.

MONICA

I didn’t tell my mother to stop taking her meds.

ALISON

Neither did Dennis.

They glare at each other.

MONICA

Are you going to investigate?

ALISON

Miss Cassidy, we’ve done our due diligence. All Eyes is not responsible.

MONICA

Somebody is. I want your equipment pulled from the house.

Alison refers to a calendar.

ALISON

I can have a team out at the end of the month.

MONICA

Tomorrow.

ALISON

Monday the thirtieth. That’s the best I can do. We are legally obligated to honor the contract for a month after the death of a client.

MONICA

That clause must be in the real fine print.

She cuts the call.

Test structures:

Suspense –

Monica goes to All Eyes to vent her anger, causing all employees to worry. Will she get into it with Dennis?

Can Alison deal with her in a professional manner? Will Dennis get involved?

Competitive Agendas:

Monica wants to punish Dennis.

Alison threatens cancelling her agency’s business contract.

Investigation/Hiding

Monica marches in determined to confront Dennis

Alison keeps close, deflecting, arguing, threatening

Dennis stays out of reach, a coward and seething that Monica broke his mirror.

NEW SCENE trying out Investigation/Hiding

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – ALLISON’S OFFICE

Alison comes out of her office, annoyed, projecting authority and calm as Monica storms past cubicles.

ALISON

Miss Cassidy? I’m Alison, the day manager.

Monica stops, assesses body language, not impressed.

MONICA

I want his records. Dennis Wiley.

ALISON

Why don’t we take this into my office and you can start your complaint from the beginning.

She takes a step backwards. Monica doesn’t budge, eyes the cubicles for clues.

MONICA

No thanks. You tell me how he didn’t cause my mother’s death.

Alison checks curious eyes peeking from behind barriers with a sharp look. Heads duck back.

ALISON

I am sorry for your loss. We see this every day. Children put their aging parents under care. Then when something happens All Eyes did something wrong. There’s a psychological term for it.

MONICA

Transfer of guilt.

ALISON

So you know all about it.

Monica starts up the nearest aisle. Alison goes after her. Up ahead Dennis’ cubicle is empty, mirror reflecting their advance.

MONICA

Psych major. That’s why my ads hit home. Where is he?

(calls)

Dennis Wiley!

In the break room, Dennis shivers, ducks behind the wall.

Monica peers into every cubicle she passes. Alison manages to match her stride, keeps her from accosting agents.

ALISON

You know I could call the police on you. You don’t belong back here.

Monica offers her phone.

MONICA

Be my guest. I have them on speed dial.

Alison ignores the gesture. Monica drops the phone back in her pocket. Alison lunges to block Monica’s advance.

They’re steps from Dennis’ cubicle, a corner away from the break room.

ALISON

Just stop. Now obviously you’re still in shock. Angry. Maybe a little defensive.

MONICA

I didn’t tell my mother to stop taking her meds.

ALISON

Neither did Dennis.

Monica side steps. Alison matches her. They glare annoyance.

MONICA

Are you going to investigate?

ALISON

Miss Cassidy, we’ve done our due diligence. All Eyes is not responsible.

MONICA

Somebody is. I want your equipment pulled from the house.

Alison pulls her phone, checks a calendar.

ALISON

I can have a team out at the end of the month.

MONICA

Tomorrow.

ALISON

Monday the thirtieth. That’s the best I can do. We are legally obligated to honor the contract for a month after the death of a client.

MONICA

That clause must be in the real fine print.

Alison’s attention drifts slightly to a monitor alarm. Monica gets past her into Dennis’ cubicle. Alison darts in behind.

Monica eyeballs performance awards, catches her fury in the mirror, sweeps the glass off the wall. It crashes on the desk.

ALISON

Miss Cassidy! Before I have you arrested you need to leave.

Tight-lipped Monica marches for the door with Alison at her back. Eyes follow them from the cubicles.

Dennis returns to his station. Anger spurts at the broken glass, settles into a slow boiling rage.

She exits the room, orients herself, marches up the aisle straight at Dennis’ cubicle.