Day 11: Elevating Scene Structure

[Mary Chamberlin]

Mary and Rich’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned from doing this assignment is that the low entertainment score scenes benefit from this elevation when we worked them as a group. Only using three of the 11 to elevate really works well, not too much. Like where this is going.

Select scene(s) that would benefit from a more compelling scene structure. Place it here.

(27) [E2]. LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

They recap that Kyle has epilepsy. Morty and Jax say their good-byes for now.

(28) [E3] INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY – DAY

Their mantra, “win the $500 competition”. Although dismal, they are starting to add fresh ideas about what they know.

(29) [E4] EXT. STREET – DAY

Morty parks in the only spot open, Mabel, his car, limping in with a loud roar and puff of smoke.

(30) [E8] EXT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Morty shows up as Melanie is leaving with Kyle, who begs to get together soon. Melanie says there is a local air show over the weekend and they can have a picnic together. Morty tells them that last night when he got home, the App had setup a first date.

(31) [E3] INT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

They discuss their project, jokes flying back and forth. They seem to be working together better now. Also, they talk about each of their relationships.

(32) [E4] INT. MORTY’S CAR – NIGHT

Morty and Jax are driving to class. It is the evening after Morty’s date. It went well. He will bring her to the air show.

List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.

Want to advance M&J digging into the project but finding their differences an impediment. But as get to know each other they are building bridges.

Imagine the scene being played out through each of the 11 scene structures and write out the three best ones, like I did in the example above.

Surprise.

Change so Morty takes charge of the computer aspect (bring up to date by learning from YouTube videos) and Jax starts lovely design drawings. Also add to classroom scene have Bella demo “Bombs Away” her Air Force training game that combines Top Gun with Warcraft. Makes Morty even hotter for her.

Suspense/Superior Position.

Update so Morty is pining for Bella, and says he’ll try the date app but only for fun, one night stand, no relationship. Add a scene where Melanie face-times her Mom (show on screen) and after hearing Jax talking up a Dating App that Morty picked, encourages her to try it too. The audience then sees Morty and Melanie’s Mom connect via the app, not knowing they have this connection thru Melanie. Audience sees a trainwreck coming.

Make your choice of the new scene structure and rewrite the scenes.

LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

They recap that Kyle has epilepsy, then chat. Morty mentions tonight is the night – he’s trying the GenX Dating App, Jax and Melanie approve. Morty and Jax say their good-byes for now.

INT – MORTY APT – NIGHT

Morty and Melanie’s Mom connect via the app, not knowing they have this connection thru Melanie. Audience sees a trainwreck coming.

INT. COLLEGE LIBRARY – NEXT DAY

Morty reveals he’s been watching YouTube how to’s on video game design, his past knowledge helps him learn fast. Still don’t have a game overall plan or characters, other than the title “Yard Wars” Then Jax reveals his drawings that are creative and filled with intrigue.

DELETE – EXT. STREET – DAY

Morty parks in the only spot open, Mabel, his car, limping in with a loud roar and puff of smoke.

ADD – INT- MELANIE’s APT / then FaceTime Split Screen

Melanie face-times her Mom (show on screen) and passes along kudos for the Dating App that Morty picked, encourages her to try it too.

EXT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

Morty shows up as Melanie is leaving with Kyle, who begs to get together soon. Melanie says there is a local air show over the weekend and they can have a picnic together. Morty tells them that last night when he got home, the App had setup a first date.

INT. JAX’S APARTMENT – DAY

They discuss their project, seem to be working together better now. Also, talk about each of their relationships.

INT. Classroom

It is the evening after Morty’s date. It went well. He will bring her to the air show. Class starts, Bella demo “Bombs Away” her Air Force training game that combines Top Gun with Warcraft. Makes Morty even hotter for her.

[Elliott Williams]

Subject: Elliott Williams Elevated Scene Structures

“What I learned from doing this assignment is…?”

I now have structures for approaching scene rewrites. Frankly, I am not sure of my proficiency with all of them, but I’m taking a stab at it.

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
April beelines to the counter and straddles a stool. The WAITRESS, 50, drops a napkin in front of her.

WAITRESS
What you need, honey?

APRIL
Coffee.

The waitress taps the countertop and spins on her heel as if she already knew, pours a cup and places it in front of her.

APRIL
Hey, Ma’am.

WAITRESS
Ma’am is my momma
(tapping her name tag)
my name is Beatrice, honey.
What’s your trouble?

APRIL

Beatrice, I’m trying to find my father and I’m trying to find a guy?

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
Aren’t we all.

April doesn’t catch the joke. Beatrice rolls her eyes at the missed connection while April is digging for the card.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
(Muttering)
A dollop a sugar makes the world go round.

April shows her the card. Beatrice looks at it and gives April a look like “seriously?”.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
This is a small town, so we tend to not need reminders.

APRIL
So you don’t know who that is?

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
You’re a quick one.

APRIL
Thank you.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
Alright, honey.

The waitress grabs two plates from the pick up window and places them in front of two grateful customers.
She looks back over to April and sees her hover over her coffee, defeated.
Beatrice looks as if she may regret this, but she strides over.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
Let me see that again.

April gives her the card.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
He’s probably from that defunct base.

April
Yes. How can I get to him?

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
Go to Lucky’s gas station. They may be able to help you there.

TRACE
Thank you.

2. List the components of the scene and what you are trying to accomplish.

a) April is searching for her father.

b) April is desperate

3. Imagine the scene being played out through each of the 11 scene

structures listed above and write out the three best ones, like I did in

the example above.

a) Twist

b) Misinterpretation

c) Surprise

4. Make your choice of the new scene structure and rewrite the scene. TWIST

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY
April beelines to the counter and straddles a stool. The WAITRESS, 50, drops a napkin in front of her.

WAITRESS
What you need, honey?

APRIL
Coffee.

WAITRESS

Hold on honey. I can’t hear you. Mumble any quieter and I might go deaf.

APRIL

Coffee!

The waitress taps the countertop and spins on her heel, pours a cup and places it in front of her.

APRIL
Hey, Ma’am.

WAITRESS
I have customers. Is there anything else you want to order, city slicker?

APRIL

Not right now.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
Sounds about right.

APRIL

Is there a problem? Do I know you?

WAITRESS

No. But I know your kind.

April is taken aback.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
Make sure you pay the bill before you leave.

April is speechless. The waitress walks off, grabs two plates from the pick up window and places them in front of two grateful customers.

She starts talking to them.

She looks back over to April and sees her hover over her coffee, defeated. The Waitress rolls her eyes, regretful. She walks back to April.

WAITRESS

Hey, sugar. I’m sorry about that. It’s been a rough day. Let me get you an extra cup to make it up to you.

APRIL

Actually, can you look at this? I’m trying to find my father.

April shows her the card.

APRIL
So you don’t know who that is?

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
You’re a quick one.

APRIL
Thank you.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
Alright, honey.

April shows her the card. Beatrice looks at it and shakes her head.

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
He’s probably from that defunct base.

April
Yes. How can I get to him?

WAITRESS/BEATRICE
Go to Lucky’s gas station. They may be able to help you there.

TRACE
Thank you.