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Day 11 – Final Assignments to Exchange Feedback
Reply to post your work & exchange feedback.
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77 Replies
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Cameron Martin’s final scene for feedback exchange.
What I learned rewriting this scene is…You can always edit or cut back. Don’t be afraid to include too much dialogue to reveal more character, even if it stretches believability in the moment.
EXT. SPACE
A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.
A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.
EXT. ALIEN PLANET – NIGHT
The acid rain showers a facility with plumes of black clouds mixing with the green skies above, and several ships docked at various corners. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.
INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.
Guttural screams and gun blasts argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric staplers taped to the end.
Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.
Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully. Isaiah is desperate to be free from his father’s uncomfortable grasp, as he coughs up blood onto his dad’s sleeve.
A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.
Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…
Grips his bat with both hands…
And swings it into the head of the spaceman…
Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.
Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.
Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.
ISAIAH
They’re almost ready to hatch.
A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.
SULLY
(to Isaiah)
Please, let me save you.
SPACEMAN
Over here!
The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, screaming.
Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.
ISAIAH
The spores have used up all the moisture in my lungs. They’ll come out through my mouth. It’ll hurt. It’ll hurt really, really bad.
SULLY
I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.
He ducks down and runs into another room…
Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…
And hides behind a kitchen counter.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)
Shhh.
The spaceman enters the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him. They’re visibly shaking as they begin to search the room.
Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.
Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
Shhh, shhh. You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.
A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.
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Hi Cameron, I thought I’d comment since I just posted my scene. Very nice launch into the story! Great starting in motion.
I love the acid rain descriptions and colors- I cannot visualize “a facility”
The ‘staplers’ would be “nail guns” and perhaps it’s more practical to shoot the spaceman’s suit? since the helmet is – well- those would be some long nails and a powerful tool! Lots of juice.
What does Isiah scream as they run? I think you can develop what he says- and establish the chemistry by adding Isiah dialogue and setting up his character with it.
The line “they’re almost ready to hatch” is expository but can be made active by issuing a direct order to Isiah instead. That will also aid the chemistry.
I don’t understand why Sully pleads with the kid. In this life and death situation I think a Dad would be far more forceful- something along the lines of “I WILL save you now get moving. NOW!” And then later he could soften.
All told, excellent work. Keep going- you’ve painted the situation. June
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Cameron Martin’s Final Scene (V.2)
EXT. SPACE
A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.
A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.
EXT. ALIEN PLANET – NIGHT
The acid rain showers a spiring industrial space station, reminiscent of a castle with plumes of black clouds mixing with the green skies above, and several ships docked at various corners. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.
INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.
Guttural screams and gun blasts argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric nailers taped to the end.
Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.
Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully.
ISAIAH
(coughing up blood onto Sully’s sleeve)
You’re making it worse!
A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.
Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…
Grips his bat with both hands…
And swings it into the head of the spaceman…
Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.
Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.
Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.
ISAIAH
No more! I don’t want to die!
SULLY
(convincing himself more than his son)
You’re not going to die!
Sully, reigning himself in.
SULLY
I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.
A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.
SULLY
(to Isaiah)
Please, let me save you, now.
SPACEMAN
Over here!
The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.
Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.
ISAIAH
They’ll come out through my mouth. It’ll hurt. It’ll hurt really, really bad.
SULLY
I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.
He ducks down and runs into another room…
Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…
And hides behind a kitchen counter.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)
Shhh.
The spaceman enters the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him. They’re visibly shaking as they begin to search the room.
Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.
Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
Shhh, shhh. You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.
A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.
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Hey Cameron!
First, I think you have something intriguing here. Starting it in such a difficult situation definitely pulled me in. And the descriptions are strong too. The blood on the walls line drew me in quite a bit and made me want to read more.
I do think the dialogue can be a bit more attack/counterattack. Maybe the boy really doesn’t want Sully involved and fights him more. Maybe something else. But I do think that can be strengthened.
The other things, and this is kind of funny, is I had the same reaction to yours that you had to mine, as far as pulling out the phone. In this case, it reminded me alot of one of the ALIEN movies (and to a lesser extent, LIFE), which made me feel like I’ve seen it before. However, this may not be an alien being inside the son. It could be something else. And I would understand you not wanting to give it away yet. Maybe you can use some vague dialogue or visuals to show it’s not an alien, without saying what it is? I haven’t read your most recent beat sheet, but if you want to post it below, I’ll read it and give my thoughts on this once I know the story.
I also had some questions about your comments on mine. Did you read an old version of the beat sheet perhaps? The reason I ask is because I’ve changed it up completely twice so far, and the newest version has no revenge/redemption or Robin Hood qualities at all. It has some HG qualities still, but I’m trying to figure out how to distance it. I already took out the whole revolution aspect, but there is still some of that feel that I’m trying to change up.
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Hey Matthew!
Thanks for the great notes!
Touché on the pulling out the phone. There’re a lot of similarities between this and ALIENS, outside of the relationship between Sully and Isaiah, and I can definitely see how I may need to elevate that aspect in order for this to not feel like a retread. I’ll post the 9 plot point beat sheet below.
I did read a version of your character profile from early on in this module. I haven’t read your beat sheet, but now that you’ve mentioned it…
Okay, so Alicia starts off as weak and ascends to someone who’s a liberator. Cher Horowitz from CLUELESS becomes Katniss Everdeen? The reason for some of my confusion is it looks like, from the outline provided in the previous feedback exchange, that Alicia is unaware that she was partly responsible for someone’s suicide. However, the “Secret” given to her is her involvement in this act. If that’s the case, it makes the secret part of her character passive because she’s unaware of her own secret, and it eliminates the potential for it to be an active part of her story. We as the audience, whether consciously or subconsciously, are looking for the subtext and hidden agendas in the characters we follow, and sometimes make an incorrect assumption, no matter how well educated the guess.
If the current secret is unbeknownst to Alicia, I would give her a different secret that she actively hides. If she truly starts off the story with no SURVIVAL skills, I would highlight that but show off the social or out-of-the-box skills she does have that don’t appear, at least on the surface, to translate to survivability in a series of death-match/executions.
I’d love to keep talking about this and exchanging notes. A lot of times, we come into a project with a goal, but that goal isn’t always translated through the best possible story, and I think we’d benefit a lot in talking more and seeing where the other writer’s at.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
1. Opening: Sully is a talented builder who’s work on a newly developing space colony is invaluable for the success of establishing sustainable human life on dangerous, hostile planet, but it’s the reckless actions of his autistic son that draw the most attention from Sully’s superiors.
2. Inciting Incident: A siren warns the colonists to gather in a bunker to wait out an infestation of parasitic alien worms until exterminators can arrive to extinguish the nest that’s developed and grown inside the outer walls of the colony.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about: Sully can’t find his child before the bunker is sealed, requiring him to find a way to protect both himself and his son from the monsters that are all around them.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1: Sully receives help from another colonist (a spy) whose documents unveil a possible alternative way inside the Bunker, prompting Sully to lock his son in a secure location before taking on the dangerous reconnaissance to validate the findings.
5. Mid-Point: Sully reaches the bunker but discovers all the residents were infected and are now monsters. Sully’s child is able to save him after breaking out of his confinement, but gets infected as a brood mother as a result.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2: The exterminators arrive to kill the infected and any survivors, trapping Sully between an army and a swarm.
7. Crisis: Sully and his son try sneaking their way to a medical bay on board the exterminator’s ship in order to surgically remove the eggs that are rapidly growing in Isaiah’s lungs, but when Isaiah starts coughing, they draw the attention of everyone trying to kill them.
8. Climax: Sully seals himself and his son in the medical bay and they work together to extract the parasites within him before they hatch.
9. Resolution: Sully and his son save themselves, forming a closer, loving relationship.
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Hey Cameron!
I’m enjoying talking scripts and exchanging notes too! I read your beat sheet and it seems definitely solid, but is a little on the Aliens side. I did have a thought during it, that of course you don’t have to take, but what if the only one who could save his son is a scientist who’s in peril? That would make the plot more about finding the scientist before his son dies, as opposed to just dealing with the alien. Just a thought. Even without that, it’s something I would definitely still watch. Did you ever see LIFE? It kind of reminds me of that too.
And I agree with your notes on my script. While I like the concept, I’ve been having trouble getting the execution right. I literally have done 3 story logic webs so far, because I can’t find a way to break out of the Hunger Games association (although, ironically, it’s actually more like RUNNING MAN). I’m thinking now of changing it to a horror script. Some of the “games” I thought of were pretty gruesome and could work, and then I could make the maze they enter full of creepy and dangerous shit. I will probably need a new antagonist though. It would be kind of like SAW meets RUNNING MAN (or maybe NERVE).
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Thanks Matthew!
I feel you on running through different story logic webs. I think I burned through about three before coming upon this. The frustrating thing is that the previous story logic webs looked nothing like this plot or ALIENS, as they involved a spy that went from betraying the community she infiltrated to ultimately saving it, all from within the confines of the bunker. BUT, the change kept happening too fast, and slowing it down made for a passive protagonist through much of the story.
I like the idea of the scientist, but I worry it would detract from the son, who’s a little like Spock obsessed with aliens, due to his Asperger’s. I haven’t seen LIFE, but I’ll definitely look it up.
I wonder if maybe brainstorming our Missions will help the stories to break out of the HUNGER GAMES/ALIENS affiliations. For example, I have another concept I’ve been working on for years, but it was only in the past few months that I found a Mission for the protagonist that opened up the rest of the story and themes on a personal level. That discovery only came about through Hal’s brainstorming strategy on finding out what the hero/heroine wanted to do in the story. Of course, with his brainstorming strategy, there’s no such thing as a bad idea. So I had to jot down “Travel to the center of Hell to craft the ultimate corndog” as a possible mission before landing on “Bring the person she murdered out of the underworld and back to life.” Both “Survive the games” and “Get to the bunker” are adequate missions that check off all of the boxes, including an obvious, observable finish line. I feel Horror lends itself to a simple objective, but I’m not very knowledgeable of the genre (looking forward to taking the Horror class being offered in a couple weeks), and I look at both A QUIET PLACE films and see the missions there (“Prepare for delivering a baby” and “Broadcast the feedback from a hearing aid”) and think to myself, the genre doesn’t limit itself to solely “Kill or be Killed.”
Thanks again, and best regards!
Cam
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Cameron Martin’s Scene for Feedback Exchange (V.3)
(Note: Taking a hard look at Matthew’s notes, and possibly changing the opening scene to the following, which doesn’t even include the two main characters, but does set up dramatic irony slightly better than where it was originally placed for the current plot.
INT. BUNKER – DAY
Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.
For the purposes of this module, however, I did make some changes, including hinting at the above plot point, and added the follow up scene that showcases the two characters in different settings.)
OPEN WIDE
EXT. SPACE
A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.
A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.
EXT. ALIEN PLANET – SPACE COLONY – NIGHT
The acid rain showers a spiring industrial space station, reminiscent of a castle with plumes of black clouds mixing with the green skies above, and several ships docked at various corners. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.
INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.
Guttural screams and gun blasts argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric nail guns taped to the end.
Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.
Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully.
ISAIAH
(coughing up blood onto Sully’s sleeve)
You’re making it worse! Stop! Stop!
A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.
Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…
Grips his bat with both hands…
And swings it into the head of the spaceman…
Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.
Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.
Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.
ISAIAH
Get away from me! Get aw-aghk-aghk—
Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening wider and wider until…
The seams of his mouth start to tear and draw blood.
Isaiah clutches his hand to his mouth, tears streaming from his eyes at the pain.
ISAIAH
(through his hand over his mouth)
You killed me! You killed me and I’m going to die!
SULLY
(convincing himself more than his son)
You’re not going to die!
Sully, reigning himself in.
SULLY
I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.
A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.
SULLY
(to Isaiah)
Please, let me save you, now.
SPACEMAN
Over here!
The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.
Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.
ISAIAH
My mouth is coming out! It hurts! It hurts really, really bad.
SULLY
I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.
He ducks down and runs into another room…
Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…
And hides behind a kitchen counter.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)
Shhh.
The spaceman pads into the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him, shuffle-stepping.
Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocket knife, and wraps it around the opening of the sauce pan.
Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the sauce pan.
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
Shhh, shhh.
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault.
A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.
INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY (FLASHBACK)
A massive, rounded tent envelops the work site, where dozens of men scurry like ants in the construction of a new section of the space colony.
Behind the controlled chaos is the colony, with unfinished rods, wires, and beams jutting out like the rib cage of a dying animal.
Sparks whiz off the blade of a grinder cutting through a piece of rebar.
The grinder snaps and part of the circular blade screams across the work site and blasts through the tent covering.
An alarm sounds off as everyone’s attention and movement is diverted to a different pattern. Engineers and workers gather masks and run to the tent’s tear.
One ENGINEER races for the air vent and shuts it off.
The collapsing tent is held up at the point of the tear by the dozens of people, while one man is trusted to patch the hole.
SULLY, who’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years. He maintains a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love.
SULLY
(talking his way through a process)
What in the jumped up hell happened here? Yeah, you had some shrapnel. But that should’ve gone through you like a dull hammer through sand.
WORKER
(holding up the tent)
How you holding up, Sul?
SULLY
I’m sorry, I know. Should’ve been done by now.
WORKER
What’s the holdup?
SULLY
Trying to make sure our only security isn’t equivalent to a zip tie on a safe.
WORKER
Didn’t smart people make this shit?
SULLY
Everyone’s doing their best. Not everyone’s best is all that smart.
Sully finishes the repairs.
SULLY
Done! Eat it Earther assholes!
The Engineer turns the air vent back on, but…
Nothing.
Engineer flips the switch a couple more times. He gets in front of the nozzle to take a look…
BOOM!
The engineer is blasted back 20 yards.
As the vent lifts up, Sully races to the Engineer.
SULLY helps up the Engineer that was knocked back by the blast of air from the engine.
SULLY
(offering a hand)
You alright?
ENGINEER
Can’t fuckin’ breathe.
SULLY
Do I need to get help, or are you just being over dramatic?
Engineer coughs and takes the hand. He makes a motion that he’s fine.
Sully pats him on the back.
ISAIAH runs in, focused solely on his dad and oblivious to the work being down around him. Many of the workers have to stop to avoid running into the young kid.
ISAIAH
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
Sully sees his son and motions for him to slow down.
SULLY
Jesus, Isaiah! Watch where you’re going.
Isaiah slows down, but keeps walking at a brisk pace, again, not paying attention to who’s around.
ISAIAH
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad…
SULLY
(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders)
What are you doing here?
ISAIAH
I made the most amazing discovery!
Isaiah doesn’t stop talking, completely ignorant of the other conversations going on.
ISAIAH
It’s so cool!
SULLY
That’s great. Tell me about it later.
(turning away)
Can I get an assistant here?
ISAIAH
I know! I know how the tunnels work! Everything, all of this space is perfect!
An ASSISTANT walks up to Sully and Isaiah.
ASSISTANT
Whatcha got?
ISAIAH
We have to add moisture through the vents since it’d be too dry anyways.
SULLY
(to Assistant)
Take him back to, to wherever he’s supposed to be. School. Take him back to school.
ISAIAH
And because the vents have so much moisture in them, and they go to the outside—
ASSISTANT
(to Isaiah)
Come on. This isn’t a safe place for little boys.
ISAIAH
(to Assistant)
In a minute.
(to Sully)
Dad—
SULLY
Isaiah, go back to school. It’s not safe here.
ISAIAH
But, it’s not safe anywhere. Anyway, you gotta see this!
SULLY
(to Assistant)
Get him out of here.
The Assistant takes Isaiah by the arm, but Isaiah squirms and rips his arm free.
Isaiah holds himself tight, his arms wrapping around his torso like he’s in a straight jacket.
Each time the Assistant and Sully try grabbing Isaiah’s hand or arm, he pulls away, looking down at the ground and humming a constant tone.
SULLY
(grabbing Isaiah’s shoulders and holding him still)
Isaiah, look at me.
Isaiah hums louder, focussed on the ground.
SULLY
Look at me, Isaiah.
ISAIAH
MMHMM!
SULLY
If you can’t follow basic instructions, then you don’t belong here with me.
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Hey Cameron:
1. Description. This is already so good that I hesitate to make any suggestions, but because our task is to work “until nothing can be further improved,” let me at least point out where I think your skill may have some opportunities.
2. The acid rain showers a *spiring* [*spiraling* (?)] industrial space station.
3. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps *where jungle once blanketed the landscape*. [… where only a swath of stumps remains to evidence the jungle landscape past (?) — it may sound the same, but somehow this one may suggest more of a cinematic tone. Not sure, though.]
4. There are three elements that help creating anticipation and suspense. Good job:
· Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.
· Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.
· Isaiah coughs harder, his mouth opening wider and wider until… the seams of his mouth start to tear and draw blood.
4. To the question “what would a [character type] do or say in [situation], I wonder how much a 10-year-old Aspie like Isaiah would react by pushing his dad away, considering that the little boy is too weak to fight and that he is in the face of death.
5. Likewise, the dialogue “You killed me! You killed me and I’m going to die!” I am unsure, yet, I trust you have researched into the Aspie’s traits and you are using this to describe the relationship between a father like Sully, who did not want to have children in first place, and his autistic son. I have not had direct contact with Aspies. I’ve heard that they may display some aggressive reactions, but I am not hundred percent sure to what extent this would be the reaction of the boy under the circumstances.
6. The character description: “SULLY, who’s been eternally walking on a tight rope for years. He maintains a balancing act between professional and childish, amazing father and a man who never wanted kids. * Why is he here? Because he loves making things work more than making love. *
Perhaps a way to eliminate the question “Why is he here?”:
· [* He is part of this project simply because he loves making things work more than making love * (?)]
· [* He is part of this real-life Lego puzzle-like project simply because he loves making things work more than making love * (?)]
· [* He is part of this large-scale home planet improvement project simply because he loves making things work more than making love * (?)]
Hope this helps!
Antonio
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Hey Antonio!
Thanks for the awesome recommendations and encouraging words!
As to Isaiah, I feel you on the believability. I’m a high functioning Aspie, so a lot of the conversations between Sully and Isaiah are modeled after what I, as an adult, might say to my younger self (before I matured and worked out many of the kinks). It’s not a perfect system, but it helps gets the words and conflict on the page. I’m hoping to improve some of the believability and chemistry with each new draft.
Thanks again and best regards!
Cam
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Day 11 Sharing for feedback exchange Revised version is below.
June Fortunato’s Retirement for final day of Seducing Actors
What I learned rewriting this scene sequence for my opening: I enjoyed beefing up these scenes
and I look forward to reading your reactions- and to reading your work, as well.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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Hey June!
Thank you for your amazing notes! I’ll definitely be making some adjustments, and I do see where some of my attempts at creating a bit of mystery led to more confusion than intended.
Trying something a little different for feedback this time around to keep it short and simple. If you’d like more extensive notes, please let me know.
What I loved…
1. I can definitely get a feel for Roy’s character. As an actor, this is a very fun character to play, from his dialogue to his world view. There’s a lot to work with, both from a real sense of tragedy the character has obviously faced and the devil may care attitude he uses to hide it.
2. The action descriptions you use are very simple and keep the story fast and fun to read.
3. I get a sense of just about everyone’s personalities, and there’s just a hint of something different between each as they hate on Roy, except for Tyrone who very much acts like a naive kid that accidentally fell into the wrong crowd.
What I have questions about…
1. This might just be personal preference, but how necessary is the amount of toilet humor used in the second scene? I think a little bit works well, but the way it’s written now feels reminiscent of the particularly over-the-top, grotesque SOUTH PARK episodes. It just feels like it belongs in a different script and it pulled me out of the story with how disgusting everything got. Again, this is just me talking. Someone else probably will come to a different conclusion.
Thank you again!
Cam
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Hi Cam, thanks for your thoughtful and encouraging comments. I will have to seriously consider how to manage the toilet issues. I hadn’t intended the scene to be funny- but rather a demonstration of how wild Roy can get- and his need to provoke the others to break his bones and send him to a hospital. I also wanted to show the effects of opium withdrawal – which causes severe diarrhea and abdominal cramps. But luckily, most people have never seen the astounding sight that I cannot ‘unsee’- which was a toilet stall in a 5-star hotel (20 years ago!) where somebody had an explosion that covered the walls and even part of the ceiling. I mean, how was that even humanly possible? At the entrance of the stall stood two supervisors who showed a poor houseman the job. There he stood with his bucket- no gloves, no mask- and with a terrified face. OMG- My heart still goes out to him. And what they made him do all by himself- without protection! was so unethical. Yeah, but maybe it needs to back off 🙂 thanks again, June
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Hi June!
I am still finishing my own work up and have not posted to this forum yet. But was reading your post (you hooked me in!) and Cameron’s notes on it, and just wanted to chime in with a hearty “I second!” Fun character, snappy actions…. and…. you lost me in the jail cell. I know this isn’t in-depth feedback, just commenting on the fly. Looking forward to reading more!
-Anita
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Thank you for reading! Looks like I’ll have to reconsider that scene. I’m looking forward to reading your work. cheers, June
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Hi Anita,
PS If you have a couple of minutes: What lost you in the jail scene? Do the scenes convey that it was Roy’s plan to go there? Does the scene convey that Roy is teaching the kid how not to be/aka drugs? Does the scene communicate that Roy changes his plan and now thinks being in a hospital is a better retirement idea? Thanks so much for your thoughts and good luck with your work. June
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Hi and thanks Cameron, Anita, Dev, Kate and Anna,
This is a THIRD revised version of Retirement- Thanks for your helpful notes and careful readings. June
Fade In
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy, late 60s, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, wiry dude with nervous energy, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY
Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he
sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of Honeypie
ROY (CONT’D) (sung)
Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – CONTINUOUS
ROY (CONT’D) (sung)
Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence.
ROY (CONT’D) (spoken)
Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold.
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT./INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – NIGHT
It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. Nothing. He slips the window open, steps onto the hot grill (ouching), and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He moves the fridge and gets a worn-out box. Inside: a bottle of Jim Bean, a knife, and something shiny with a ribbon, wrapped in a towel. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.)
You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care.
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. He drinks. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY
Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. He sets his shoes out. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN
Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around him and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD
Get out.
ROY
Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD
Out.
ROY
Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD
Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy singing through the door.
LANDLORD (CONT’D)
I’m not as patient as Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY
And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD
Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back
ROY
Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes. and runs to the beat up cleaning van.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS
Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY
Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turnover, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL
The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD
Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of shit on the floor.
INT/EXT- VAN – CONTINUOUS
Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges the maniac, swerves and pulls over.
ROY
Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY (CONT’D)
That’s the plan! Free room and board comin up from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
EXT./INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY – CONTINUOUS
He swerves into a PIGGLY WIGGLY and jumps into the back of the van just before he slams into the building. Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY (CONT’D)
Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo tent in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him- The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out- GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY (CONT’D)
Officer, Officers, a man needs his java bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes- I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam.
Two officers approach. Roy puts his hands up.
Hell, you’re just a young pup. Pop that zit, son. So where do I get my coffee?
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL
THREE MEN, strung out and acting jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY
Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY (CONT’D)
Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at
Tyrone. The other two, SKANK and BUTTROT are nervous, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK
Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE
(to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY
No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE
(to the kid) Where’d you stash it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE (CONT’D)
Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY
Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE
I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. I don’t have drugs.
ROY
You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (CONT’D) (to Pukeface)
Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy)
I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY
I took a car, too.
TYRONE
You did?
ROY
Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE
Tik tok.
ROY
Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which supposedly holds something to eat.
GUARD
Shut up. Back away.
He shoves the tray in.
GUARD (CONT’D)
Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY
Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY (CONT’D)
It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY (CONT’D)
Watch me fellas. (to Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets agitated and starts yelling.
SKANK
Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY
Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD
You’re gonna eat that shit.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY
(feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was just cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT
(howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK
Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE
Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD
You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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Hi June, I hope you don’t mind. I just saw this and jumped in. I’d really welcome your feedback on mine if you have time.
First I have to own this is not my kind of genre.
That said I loved the first scene – was hooked! Then I found the action in the Jail scene to be a little much for me, but I get it for the genre.
It has certainly drew me in – I want to know more about Roy, I hope I get to meet Suzy and I wish the best for Tyrone..
I don’t give a good goddam about the three in the jail cell. :O)
Couple of Qs.
• did Roy take the dump after he locked himself in the bathroom or did he set that up the night before? In which case might cool to see him do that and then we see why later.• how did he not get hurt at al slamming into the Piggly Wiggly?
• can you really start an ignition with a screwdriver? or….?
• Tyrone says ‘I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. I don’t have drugs.’ wouldn’t he repeat the same grammar? Or consciously correct himself…
Curious to see where this goes .and Roy is surely a heck of a character.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Hi Anita, I’ve been looking for your script but the site is hard to find thing- will keep looking and thanks a bunch for your review. June
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Hi Kate,
I felt I needed to “sleep on” my latest version before posting, and will do so shortly. Thanks for following through in looking for it!
I also just read your latest version, and previously you asked me the following questions: “What lost you in the jail scene? Do
the scenes convey that it was Roy’s plan to go there? Does the scene
convey that Roy is teaching the kid how not to be/aka drugs? Does the
scene communicate that Roy changes his plan and now thinks being in a
hospital is a better retirement idea? Thanks so much for your thoughts
and good luck with your work. June”You lost me because I am distracted with too much over-the-top grossness. I think if you only had the PUKEFACE guy it would be enough to set the stage and deliver what you want – i.e. Roy acting as a protector to Tyrone, and getting beat up so he can land in the hospital. Everyone / everything else seems a distraction. I also have a personal aversion to barf scenes, so there’s that 😉
I don’t think the scene conveys that Roy is trying to teach the kid anything about drugs one way or another. I do think it was clear in the previous car crash scene that Roy was looking to land in jail via ‘housing by cop’, and that his plan changes to get out of jail and land in the hospital.
I’m sure the following scenes will further us on Roy’s journey, who has already gone from bad to worse to the bottom. It will be interesting to see where he goes from there!
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Hui Anita – A little confused by this message. I think you meant someone else? Kate
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Wow, that certainly is graphic. It will translate well onto film. The audience will certainly get the message. I wish we could see the whole script so that in context, I could see the whole concept and better evaluate the scene as part of a whole. So it reads like ROY is both an antagonist and trying to be a good guy, help out TROY. Is that correct? People love grit. (Breaking Bad) What is on the page will most likely, be dialed down a fraction just within the technicalities of a shoot/editing, much like sex scenes are abbreviated, but still get the message across. Personally, I would not change it or water it down. Best wishes with writing the rest of your script. You certainly did not mince about!
PS Mine is Silent Night if you have time for a quick look. Thanks from Anna, see you in Holywood!
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Thank you!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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REWRITE OF DAY 1O SCENE TO POST FOR CRITIQUE
CHARACTER: CLAY CAINE
Insight into his character: Prideful, resolute, self-righteous
Action to sell this character: His status as a leader is popped like a balloon, his bravado pulled out from under him like a rug, leaving his vulnerability and hubris exposed. A man who once had respect and power, will now have to do a deep dive to get it back.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLEY – SUMMER DAY
Dark clouds sweep the sky, propelled by a foul wild that also plows through the crowded fair and rally. It rattles rusty carnival rides and causes balloons and banners to be swept into wind tunnels.
A CHILD nibbles at her cotton candy but it blows out of her hands and flies away. She chases it passed…
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
…a stage festooned with a wind-ripped American flag. Despite the wind sucking up their lyrics, a COUNTRY BAND plays. At song’s end, the band thanks the crowd and takes their leave to applause and whistles. Then- the wind subsides as former marine CLAY CAINE (fifty), dressed in jeans and crisp white shirt with sleeves rolled up, takes the stage. He smiles and nods to the crowd. He steps to the microphone. The crowd waits. Clay revels. His inner knowing tells him the Lord subdued the wind just for him. He’s the quiet before the storm.
CLAY
You know, I’ve been asked why am I a Klansman? And to that I say — because–
(Throwing his arms out wide)
This is my country!
He expects them to shake their fists and cheer but, instead, the crowd remains silent. Clay nods, smiles. They want more, do they? Okay. He sweeps an arm up to point to the wind-ripped American flag.
CLAY
And that– is my flag!
Continued silence from the crowd now joined by their uneasy shuffling. Clay paces, tries it again.
CLAY
Did you know the red on that flag stands for our forefathers? Our forefathers who were baptized in their own blood for our freedoms!
The crowd shifts uneasily. Some look to each other for support. Clay sweats profusely. Surely, he’s being tested. He looks to the heavens for assurance and then back at the crowd.
CLAY
The Klan. The Ku Klux Klan stands for Race Pride.
He’s their preacher, them his flock.
CLAY
It stands for you, and me, and for all Whites!
He waits for it! Their pent-up cheers mixed with all their frustrations soon to bathe him in glory! But… nothing. Clay taps on the microphone.
CLAY
Hey, is this thing working?
The mic’s shriek says it is.
CLAY
Can you hear me?
YOUNG MAN (O.S.)
We hear you!
It’s a YOUNG MAN wearing a ball cap.
YOUNG MAN
And you’re full of shit!
Clay rocks back, almost loses his footing.
CLAY
Wha-?
YOUNG MAN
SINO! You’re nothing but a SINO!
The young man turns plays to the crowd.
YOUNG MAN
Clay Caine’s a Supremacist in Name Only!
The crowd bursts to life, nodding, laughing, agreeing. Another MAN, bearded and tatted joins in.
TATTED MAN
He’s quid pro status quo!
The BEAUTY at his side chimes in too.
BEAUTY
Get off the stage, old man!
A fierce WOMAN, large in girth, loud of mouth, pushes closer to the stage.
WOMAN
Bring on Adam!
(Starts chant with crowd)
We want Adam! We want Adam!
The crowd chants Adam’s name. Youthful, twenty-four-year-old ADAM SPENCER, with his college boy looks, makes his way forward. The crowd touches him, pats him, shakes this next-generation white supremacist’s hand before he hops up on the stage. Adam, his polite barely covering his cocky, nods to Clay.
ADAM SPENCER
No offense, sir, but it’s time for a real patriot to rock their world.
CLAY
Patriot? You served?
ADAM SPENCER
I serve them.
Clay is overwhelmed with disbelief.
CLAY
My God. From what level of hell are you?
Adam smiles at him with charity.
ADAM SPENCER
Change is hard, Mr. Caine, but I’m here to help.
Adam turns to the crowd, raises his arms in triumph.
ADAM SPENCER
Hey, everybody! I’m Adam Spencer! Leader of The Sons of Patriots!
As the crowd goes wild over him, the wind kicks up, forcing Clay to yell against it.
CLAY
But I’m Clay Caine! Grand Dragon! Grand Dragon of–
The wind overwhelms Clay’s voice while Adam stands to embrace the gale. Clay, still disbelieving, retreats back and then leaves the stage while the crowd repeatedly shouts Adam’s name…
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Wow! oddly (and good) – it gets us on his side in the context of his (albeit) sick world. Love the appearance of Adam (really scary!) And the variety of people in the crowd. is great. Wonder if there is a way to have some support for him so the crowd is split at the beginning (old habits and loyalty) and then they gradually fall off – instead of growing the meagre support fades to nothing? The effects of crowd pressure on a minority in a group and false hope for Clay…
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Hi Dev, Since we exchanged previously, I had to read your scene, so I thought I’d send some comments.
I love that the movie starts at a rally. I think it’s brilliant- the metaphor of the blown away cotton candy and the ripped flag excellently foretell Clay’s situation. I also like that it sets up the climate issues immediately. I think it’s a great start, and the scene can benefit with editing. As always, discard any of my comments that don’t resonate.
Clay’s intro: you describe his more conservative clothes, but what’s more important is describing his demeanor. Confident? Insecure? Cocky? A man who’s always been in control? How can his description compel an A-lister to MUST HAVE that role?
An announcer can introduce Clay as “the grand dragon of our illustrious Klan”- so that might be a more active way to get this info across without Clay having to say what the crowd already knows.
I think your descriptions can be turned to lines/dialogue. For example- instead of describing how the wind dies down and how Clay feels that it was the Lord- how about if the wind dies down and Clay says – as his first line something like- “The Lord has quelled the winds for ….” etc Then I think you can jump right to “This is my country!” (silence) “That is my flag!” (audience shuffles, coughs) The audience reactions can be one or two words. Otherwise, all of the description not only slows the pace- but give the effect of a short story rather than screenplay.
When Clay talks about the red on the flag, it can be direct- “That red there… ” Clay’s voice and his particular use of words compared to others can be established here. Who is this guy and how does he use words that are so out of fashion compared to the young Adam?
I think there’s an opportunity to show the chemistry between Adam and Clay- If Adam heckles with sass almost from the get-go- like as soon as Clay takes the stage – it will create a push/ pull dynamic. Clay will have to up his game about his definition of what the Klan is- and Adam can jump onto the stage and show that he’s the new face- he’s the new voice- go away old man- The action/reaction- push/pull will drive Clay to take action. It will also establish Adam’s personality.
BTW, it’s windy here! so we’re feeling it! good wishes, June
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Kate’s Final Assignment V1.
What I learned rewriting this scene is that the smallest word change – order of words, specific word – can tell a lot about a character.
(Introducing Nia)
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of trees.
Eight young people (20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees.
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
NIA lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap. Cute crap, but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.
She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little) into the towel.
Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.
SHAUNN
Now do you feel better?
Nia sits up, definitely feeling better.
NIA
Yes. Oh yes – much. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last hour. Got some water?
Shaunn helps her up, carefully avoiding the towel.
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
Oh! This is gorgeous! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
SHAUNN
To get here before dark. If we hadn’t stopped for the hamburgers…
NIA
Don’t mention them! It was that awful bison burger and the driving that did me in.
SHAUNN
You didn’t have to eat it.
NIA
I know but the girls wanted to share – they’re so expensive – I couldn’t say no.
Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits.
SHAUNN
And look where it got you? Me holding a towel under your face for an hour.
NIA
You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!
SHAUNN
You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.
NIA
Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen!
SHAUNN
Come out of fantasy land – again!
NIA
I like it there. That’s why I’m an actress.
She looks off.
SHAUNN
On tour. Come on, help set up.
NIA
I will! I will! Just give me a moment to soak in this. And then I’ll unpack like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE!
SHAUNN
Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?
NIA
Can I take it with me? My mouth … Hey, positive side – I didn’t throw up in the bus!
SHAUNN
There is that. You have amazing self-control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand.
Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.
NIA
Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the car-sick thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!
Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the pack and joins the others.
Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, animation dropping from her.
NIA
(whispering)
What do you think, Mom? Gonna be fun, right?
END SCENE
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Hi Kate!
Just read your scene and I liked it alot.
It had a good vibe and tone, while introducing the character well.
There is just 1 thing I would suggest…
I can’t fully tell if Shaunn is into Nia or if NIa is into Shaunn on a romantic level. So, if that is supposed to be there, I may add in a few glances or lingered looks to enhance it.
Otherwise, great job!
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Thank you Matthew –
There is a V2.. and we are not meant to know about their relationship
They dont know. He maybe… she not at this time
it evolves.
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Great note about the crowd. I am doing it!
Dev
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*DEV’S COMMENTS IN CAPS
Kate’s Final Assignment V1.
What I learned rewriting this scene is that the smallest word change – order of words, specific word – can tell a lot about a character.
(Introducing Nia)
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of trees.
Eight young people (20s) emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. JUST FOR FUN, I’D LOVE THIS TO BE MORE SPECIFIC AS TO WHAT WE SEE WHEN SOME TRAMP OUT TOWARD THE TREES. SOME HURRYING TO GO PEE…?
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in. LOVE THIS AS AN IMMEDIATE CONTRAST TO THE OTHERS GETTING OUT QUICKLY. SETS UP HER CHARACTER’S APPEARANCE PERFECTLY.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step. GREAT DESCRIPTION!
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well. AGAIN, LOVE HOW YOU’VE SET HER UP JUST BY HOW SHE DRESSES.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
NIA lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap. Cute crap, but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.
She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little) into the towel.
Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.
SHAUNN
Now do you feel better?
Nia sits up, definitely feeling better. HERE’S WHERE I HAVE TROUBLE. SHE GOES FROM BEING REALLY SICK TO PERKY IN A FLASH. I’M ASSUMING YOU WANT IT THAT WAY BUT IT’S NOT WORKING FOR ME AS IS… I NEED TO SEE HER STRUGGLE TO GET TO PERKY.
NIA
Yes. Oh yes – much. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last hour. Got some water?
Shaunn helps her up, carefully avoiding the towel.
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
Oh! This is gorgeous! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
SHAUNN
To get here before dark. If we hadn’t stopped for the hamburgers… HIS MENTION OF FOOD AND HER QUEASINESS TELLS ME SHE HASN’T RECOVERED AS QUICKLY AS SHE DOES FROM HERE.
NIA
Don’t mention them! It was that awful bison burger and the driving that did me in.
SHAUNN
You didn’t have to eat it.
NIA
I know but the girls wanted to share – they’re so expensive – I couldn’t say no.
Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits.
SHAUNN
And look where it got you? Me holding a towel under your face for an hour. AT LEAST FROM THE “ATTACK/COUNTER-ATTACK POV SHAUNN’S RESPONSE DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. WONDERING IF HE COULD HAVE MORE FUN WITH HER ABOUT HER INABILITY TO SAY NO. AS IS, HIS RESPONSE SOUNDS TOO PATERNAL RATHER THAN A GUY INTERESTED IN HER. THIS COULD GIVE NIA, IN HER NEXT LINE, A CHANCE TO RETORT WITH SOMETHING MORE PLAYFULLY CHALLENGING TO HIM.
NIA
You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!
SHAUNN
You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.
NIA
Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen! FOR A GIRL RECOVERING FROM BEING SICK, HER EXCITEMENT HERE DIDN’T FEEL BUILT TO. OR… SHE COULD SAY THE SAME THING AND THEN VOMIT AFTER HER LINE? MAYBE SHE’S HOPEFULL AND POSITIVE AND NOT ALWAYS REALISTIC?
SHAUNN
Come out of fantasy land – again! FOR ME, THIS FEELS TOO PATERNAL FOR A GUY WHO’S INTERESTED IN HER. I’M WONDERING HOW ELSE HE COULD SHOW HIS KNOWINGNESS OF HER WITHOUT BEING SO ON THE NOSE WITH HER.
NIA
I like it there. That’s why I’m an actress.
She looks off.
SHAUNN
On tour. Come on, help set up. I GET THAT YOU WANT TO INFORM THAT THEY ARE ON TOUR BUT NOT SURE WHY HE STATES IT AGAIN HERE. IT SEEMS LIKE HE’S BEING A KILL JOY AGAIN. I REALLY WANT TO LIKE HIM BEFORE I SEE HIM STRUGGLE WITH HIS MOM SITUATION.
NIA
I will! I will! Just give me a moment to soak in this. And then I’ll unpack like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE! THIS FEELS LIKE THE MOMENT SHE REALLY STEPS INTO BEING HER OLD SELF – WANTING TO SOAK IN THE BEAUTY. THEN, WHEN SHE COMMENTS ABOUT THE FOOD IT COULD BE A CALL BACK TO HER VOMITING. FOOD MIGHT STILL BE A SENSITIVE SUBJECT. IT FEELS TO ME LIKE NIA’S A VERY BRIGHT SIDE PERSON WHO – EVEN WHEN SICK – TRIES TO SHOVE IT UNDER THE RUG.
SHAUNN
Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?
NIA
Can I take it with me? My mouth … THE FACT THAT SHE STILL NEEDS THE WATER SHOWS THAT SHE ISN’T A-OK AS SHE’S PUTTING ON. Hey, positive side – I didn’t throw up in the bus!
SHAUNN
There is that. You have amazing self-control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand.
Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.
NIA
Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the car-sick thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!
Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the pack and joins the others.
Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, animation dropping from her.
NIA
(whispering)
What do you think, Mom? Gonna be fun, right?
END SCENE
I REALLY ADORE NIA AND THINK YOU CAN DO MORE WITH SETTING HER UP. JUST FELT HER TRANSISTION WAS TO FAST. I LOVE THE OPENING DESCRIPTIONS AND HOW WELL IT DREW ME IN.
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<div>Matthew Frendo’s final scene for feedback exchange
</div>What I learned rewriting this scene is how to elevate the way characters are introduced using actions that represent the character profile. This will give greater insight and make the character more intriguing.
INT. DARREL’S DIVE – DAY
Of all dive bars in the world, this is the seediest. Rogues, killers and thieves sit all around. This is Mos Eisly…if Mos Eisly was even worse.
An old television plays in the corner. A news program, with a straight-laced looking news anchor talking–
NEWS PROGRAM
–it will be the thirtieth anniversary, so they say to expect special surprises. It’s also creator and host Greg Sunshine’s final time presenting the state’s moral lessons. After thirty years, the most loved man in all of Salina is moving on to a Lt. Governor role–
(reception gets bad)
–contestants will be picked tonight–watch–white knight police force has new rules–
WHAM! The bar owner, Darrel, hits the TV to try and get it to work better, with no luck. He hits it again, getting frustrated as we see–
–a girl with her face hidden by a hood in the corner, fraying and destroying the TV wires.
She quickly, quietly glides next to the increasingly irritated Darrel and starts taking food off of his plate, putting it in her pockets.
She grabs the chicken, the corn and bread, but before she can get the dessert, she hears a light–
BEEP BEEP BEEP–
–and when Darrel turns around to check on it, she’s already gone.
EXT. DIRTY STREET – DAY
A BROWN-HAIRED LADY is walking through the bustling, dangerous street, holding on to her child’s hand way too tightly.
She grabs it even harder, causing her CHILD to flinch.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
Come on, you filthy ingrate. Useless. Just bloody useless! If you–
Just then, the girl in the hood runs into her.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
Watch where you’re going, you waste of fucking air!
The hooded girl throws the piece of bread to the Child, who grins. Before he can take a bite, the lady grabs it.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
What do you do to deserve this? You shouldn’t have any–
BLAM!
All of a sudden, she’s thrown to the ground. Two soldiers in pure white outfits sit on top of her.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
Whoa! What the–
She looks at them all.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
No! No! I didn’t get called! I didn’t get called!
They pull a blinking wristband from her bag.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
That’s not mine! Mine’s on my wrist!
They look and it is. They start looking around.
Another man, NICK (32), is calmly getting taken by white knights. He meets the eyes of the girl in the hood before she pulls it over her face…and he sees she has no wristband on.
He smirks to himself, then nods to the white knights.
NICK
Yo, there she is!
She looks back and the hood falls. We see ALICIA (23), a beautiful girl that stands apart from her ugly surroundings…but who also has a hardness and determination that comes from a life of lonely struggle on the streets.
She glares at Nick and spits in his face. His smirk drops.
She starts to panic as she looks around for a place that’s safe and finds everyone staring right at her.
She sees soldiers coming at her…and bolts.
She jumps over a garbage can, as she runs through the street.
She dodges vendors, hurdles over debris and runs swiftly.
She jumps off the side of a building, parkour-style, over a tent…and stops suddenly when she’s about to run into a homeless child and his dog.
BLAM! The soldiers grab her from behind and throw her to the ground. When they lift her up–
WHAM! She kicks one in the face, trying to get free.
ALICIA
It was just stealing food! It was just stealing food!
BZZZ! They stun her, knocking her out, and carry her off.
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Hey Matthew!
Want to exchange feedback?
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Yeah, for sure! I’ll read yours in a few hours when I’m done with work.
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Hey Matthew!
Trying something a little different for feedback this time around to keep it short and simple. If you’d like more extensive notes, please let me know.
What I loved…
1. The action and the descriptions have a nice flow to them that help me feel the ebbs and flows of the scene. The all caps used for much of the sound effects and action taking place are already looking great in your script.
2. The opening is engaging. You don’t explain anything, but just let the action play out, and it’s awesome. A lot of mystery.
What I have questions about…
1. I’m still not sure about who Alicia is, apart from what I’ve already seen in THE HUNGER GAMES or stories about Robin Hood. There’s all this mystery and action, but I’m subconsciously readying myself to pull out my phone because of a sense that I’ve already seen what this story is promising to show me. A lot of your traits for her (Crafty, Brave) lend themselves already to this rogue type of character. I do see that you also made this character originate from the “rich” part of society, and her actions could suggest a sense of almost role-playing the Robin Hood role while feeling that she’s above the poorer classes, given her status in a caste system. Maybe her “fearful” nature is rooted more in a fear of how she’s perceived than in actual consequences (her appearance is more important than her life?). I get the feeling that the Secret you gave her may be inspiring her current affairs. While revenge and redemption are certainly worthwhile missions to ground a story in, the missions are usually rooted in something primal or with a direct A to B logic (JOHN WICK – Boy kills dog, therefore Boy must die; ALIENS – Nightmares haunt Ripley, therefore Ripley must face her nightmare; THE LEGO MOVIE 2: THE SECOND PART – Emmett wasn’t mature/hardened enough to save his friends, therefore Emmett tries to grow up and become tough). I’m sorry if this is too much. I’m spitballing so much because I honestly don’t know where this character is coming from. I’d look at what makes her fun for an actor to play or what’s unique about her, and then turn that up to 11 in both the dialogue and description.
2. I was a bit confused about the blocking when Nick is being taken. At first, I though Nick saw Alicia from several feet away. But after he alerts the authorities to her presence, she spits in his face…from several feet away or up close? If she’s from several feet away, that spitting range is impressive, and I’d take her for someone who chews tobacco and spits it out like a cobra or the dilophosaurus from JURASSIC PARK. If she’s up close, how do the soldiers miss her? “She sees the soldiers coming at her” from less than two feet away…? Most of the action and blocking is solid in your scene. It just needs to be tightened up a little, and I think a reader will be able to keep up with where everything is in space.
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INT. DARREL’S DIVE – DAY
Of all dive bars in the world, this is the seediest. Rogues, killers and thieves sit all around. This is Mos Eisly…if Mos Eisly was even worse.
An old television plays in the corner. A news program, with a straight-laced looking news anchor talking–
NEWS PROGRAM
–it will be the thirtieth anniversary, so they say to expect special surprises. It’s also creator and host Greg Sunshine’s final time presenting the state’s moral lessons. After thirty years, the most loved man in all of Salina is moving on to a Lt. Governor role–
(reception gets bad)
–contestants will be picked tonight–watch–white knight police force has new rules–
WHAM! The bar owner, Darrel, hits the TV to try and get it to work better, with no luck. He hits it again, getting frustrated as we see–
–a girl with her face hidden by a hood in the corner, fraying and destroying the TV wires.
She quickly, quietly glides next to the increasingly irritated Darrel and starts taking food off of his plate, putting it in her pockets.
She grabs the chicken, the corn and bread, but before she can get the dessert, she hears a light–
BEEP BEEP BEEP–
–and when Darrel turns around to check on it, she’s already gone.
EXT. DIRTY STREET – DAY
A BROWN-HAIRED LADY is walking through the bustling, dangerous street, holding on to her child’s hand way too tightly.
She grabs it even harder, causing her CHILD to flinch.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
Come on, you filthy ingrate. Useless. Just bloody useless! If you–
Just then, the girl in the hood runs into her.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
Watch where you’re going, you waste of fucking air!
The hooded girl throws the piece of bread to the Child, who grins. Before he can take a bite, the lady grabs it.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
What do you do to deserve this? You shouldn’t have any–
BLAM!
All of a sudden, she’s thrown to the ground. Two soldiers in pure white outfits sit on top of her.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
Whoa! What the–
She looks at them all.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
No! No! I didn’t get called! I didn’t get called!
They pull a blinking wristband from her bag.
BROWN-HAIRED LADY
That’s not mine! Mine’s on my wrist!
They look and it is. They start looking around.
Another man, NICK (32), is calmly getting taken by white knights. He meets the eyes of the girl in the hood before she pulls it over her face…and he sees she has no wristband on.
He smirks maliciously, then nods to the white knights.
NICK
That’s her! Right there!
She looks back and the hood falls. We see ALICIA (23), a beautiful girl that stands apart from her ugly surroundings…but who also has a hardness and determination that comes from a life of lonely struggle on the streets.
She starts to panic as she looks around for a place that’s safe and finds everyone staring right at her.
She sees White Knights getting off the Brown-Haired Lady and coming at her…and she bolts.
She jumps over a garbage can, as she runs through the street.
She dodges vendors, hurdles over debris and runs swiftly.
She jumps off the side of a building, parkour-style, over a tent…and stops suddenly when she’s about to run into a homeless child and his dog.
BLAM! The soldiers grab her from behind and throw her to the ground. When they lift her up, she tries to kick one, but misses by a mile and starts to weep as she struggles.
ALICIA
It was just stealing food! It was just stealing food!
BZZZ! They stun her, knocking her out, and carry her off.
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Well Im hooked! very few qs because I know it is the beginning.
I had to agree this is not a genre or world I know anything abut so I had no comparison ( eg Hunger Games – never seen it)
maybe at the end she doesnt say ‘I’m stealing food’ that implies guilt
How about ‘I was just taking the food I needed’ or something.
Love stopping for the kid and dog-
It kept me engaged even for a genre I don’t watch.
and that is a plus I think 🙂
Would appreciate your response to mine. – if you have time
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Hey Mathew, Just read yours twice. I am not familiar with this subject matter as I would usually avoid anything to do with the KKK clan. (is that what the White Nights are?) The descriptions were really excellent. Really got me into the scene. Reminded me of John Updike’s style. The gist of the story was intriguing. The only part I became confused with, was the part where Nick is being taken by the so-called knights. I was not sure how it fits, mainly because we are reading this in part, not as a whole I think? I also note that the changes between 1 and 2 make it flow well.
I have my first version posted up, Day 11 Silent Night, if you have time for a quick look, great. Thanks, Anna
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by anna harper.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Great notes, June! I will definitely incorporate!
many thanks!
Dev
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SCENE TO POST FOR CRITIQUE (VERSION 2)
EXT. LANGSTON FAIR GROUNDS – WHITE SUPREMACIST RALLY – SUMMER DAY
Dark clouds sweep the sky as foul winds plow through the crowded fair and rally. The wind rattles rusty carnival rides and causes balloons and banners to be swept into spinning dust devils.
A CHILD nibbles at her cotton candy but it blows out of her hands. She chases it passed…
EXT. STAGE – CONTINUOUS
…a stage festooned with a wind-ripped American flag. A COUNTRY BAND plays, the wind sucking up their lyrics. They wrap it up, take their leave to applause and whistles.
Then- the wind dramatically subsides. A beat. Now former marine CLAY CAINE, fit and 50, self-directed and confident, a man used to being in control, takes the stage. He flashes a smile as he steps to the microphone.
CLAY
Thank you, Lord, for diminishing this wind. For we shall be the calm before the storm!
No wild response from the crowd, just a sparse reaction of agreements.
Clay notes this but blows it off to continue.
CLAY
You know, I’m often asked, “Clay, why are you a Klansman? And a Grand Dragon to boot.” It’s a fair question. So I’ll tell you. It’s because of you! And because this is our country!
He points to the wind-ripped flag.
CLAY
And that is our flag!
No big response just uneasy shuffling. Clay paces, refusing to let their lackluster dampen his conviction.
CLAY
Do you know what the red on this flag stands for? Do you? It’s stands for our forefathers who were baptized in their own blood for our freedoms! Yours and mine, ladies and gentlemen, yours and mine!
Still not much reaction. Clay wipes the sweat from his face.
A lone voice calls out–
ADAM SPENCER (O.S.)
What’s your point, old man!
Clay’s eyes narrow.
CLAY
My point? The Klan, the Ku Klux Klan – right here in Langston – stands for you and me, and for all whites! It stands for racial purity!
No reaction. Exasperated, Clay taps on the microphone.
CLAY
Hey, is this thing working right?
The mic’s shriek says it is.
CLAY
Can everybody hear me?
ADAM SPENCER (O.S.)
We hear your empty words!
Clay rocks back, almost loses his footing.
CLAY
Wha-?
ADAM SPENCER (O.S.)
He’s a SINO! Supremacist in Name Only! Quid pro status quo!
The crowd bursts to life, nodding, laughing, agreeing.
A fierce WOMAN, large in girth, loud of mouth, pushes forward.
WOMAN
Get off the stage, old man! We’re here for Adam!
(Starts chant with crowd)
We want Adam! We want Adam!
The crowd chants Adam’s name.
Clay’s eyes roam the crowd.
CLAY
(Muttering)
Who is this guy?
A fresh-faced, twenty-four-year-old with college boy good looks, makes his way towards the stage. People reach out to touch the young man, pat him, and shake this next-generation white supremacist’s hand. ADAM SPENCER, Southern polite but prep school cocky, jumps onto the stage next to Clay.
ADAM SPENCER
No offense – sir – but it’s time for a patriot.
CLAY
Patriot? You served?
ADAM SPENCER
I serve them.
Adam turns to the cheering crowd.
Clay is overwhelmed with disbelief.
CLAY
My God. What level of hell are you from?
Adam smiles at him with charity– and perfect teeth.
ADAM SPENCER
I’m not the devil. I’m here to get things done.
Adam turns to the crowd, raises his arms in triumph.
ADAM SPENCER
Hey, y’all! I’m Adam Spencer! Leader of The Sons of Patriots!
As the crowd goes wild over him, the wind kicks up, forcing Clay to yell against it.
CLAY
But I’m Clay Caine! Grand Dragon! Grand Dragon of–
The wind steals Clay’s voice while Adam stands to embrace the gale. Clay retreats, leaves the stage while the crowd chants Adam’s name…
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Wonderful! Well done, Dev. June
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The arrival of Adam is (I think) great. Ups the Anti for Clay and I am sure will impact Lincoln. Most of all it gives a sense of ‘Shoot this isn’t going to end just morph into.. ‘ – or not! Maybe Clays daughter has to face him..? Or Lincoln’s kids- the next generation..And I like that Clay is using the current weather to his (he hopes) advantage.
You go girl!
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Hey Dev!
Thanks for your notes! You made some amazing observations where I do need to work on the description to make it more clear to avoid questions based more in confusion than intrigue.
What I loved about your scene…
1. You have a great setup with giving empathy to a genuinely unlikable guy. The feeling of being obsolete or replaced is a universal one, even when it’s represented by a supremacist.
2. Adam’s introduction is fun. He’s a pure politician, fully in control like a rockstar. We may not like his views, but we crave to have that kind of confidence. It’s a wonderful mix of emotions: Clay is completely outmatched, Adam is someone to fear (an evil man who’s influential), and yet, we can’t help but want to hear more of what Adam says, even when we know we shouldn’t.
What I have questions about…
1. Clay is interesting, and I’m not sure how to play him yet. He’s a confident Marine (there’s no such thing as a “former marine,” no matter how long they’ve been out of combat) that’s losing his edge and confidence, which is an amazing character that can be immediately relatable, regardless of the twisted world view. He’s effectively suffering from a midlife crisis, longing for the past where he was a “badass.” Outside of the audience in the story and the age gap, there’s no obvious difference between Adam and Clay. There is a subtle difference in how they communicate. Adam is straight to the point, Laconic, whereas Clay meanders a lot, bouncing all over the place to his religious beliefs, his patriotism, his supremacist views, and never seems to arrive at a plan or point. I like these angles and would love to see more of them, just to make it more obvious and fun to play.
2. I noticed in your 9 beat outline, you’re wanting your story to talk about climate change in addition to racism. I like the wind as a metaphor for the changing of Clay’s life, but I worry that being too literal or on the nose with the two different themes will take away from the impact both could make on their own. You’ve got something pretty great here to put an audience that is intensely apprehensive to being affiliated with racism in the mind of a white supremacist, and actually empathize with him. I think you could have a lot of fun tying the two seemingly separate arguments together by having the weather reflect Clay’s honest emotions, while Clay’s subtext hides his anxieties and need for external validation.
Thank you again and best regards!
Cam
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Cameron Martin’s Final Scene (V.2)
EXT. SPACE
A nebula in the visage of snarled teeth glitters red.
A planet sails through the vast black between the stars, it’s facade reminiscent of earth, but masked by circulating green clouds.
EXT. ALIEN PLANET – NIGHT *suggest…
(EXT. ALIEN PLANET – INDUSTRIAL SPACE STATION – NIGHT)
The acid rain showers a spiring industrial space station, reminiscent of a castle with plumes of black clouds mixing with the green skies above, and several ships docked at various corners. Encircling the structure – a swath of stumps where jungle once blanketed the landscape.
INT. SPACE COLONY – LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Walls once white are coated in splotches of maroon blood.
Guttural screams and gun blasts argue over each other in a hallway, as SULLY, a man in his early thirties, carries both his 10 year old son, ISAIAH, and a baseball bat with two electric nailers (NAIL GUNS?) taped to the end.
Sully has been as quick to shush his child to silence as he’s been willing to fuck death itself to save him.
Meanwhile, Isaiah, a high-functioning Aspie, kicks against Sully.
ISAIAH
(coughing up blood onto Sully’s sleeve)
You’re making it worse!
A man dressed in a light, tactical space suit runs out into the hallway, sees Sully and Isaiah, and raises his firearm.
Sully drops Isaiah to the ground…
Grips his bat with both hands…
And swings it into the head of the spaceman…
Leaving two nails embedded into the spaceman’s helmet and subsequent skull.
Isaiah, on all fours. He struggles to catch his breath, but hacks up a small splattering of blood.
Sully goes to pick his son up, but Isaiah pushes his hands away.
ISAIAH
No more! I don’t want to die!
SULLY
(convincing himself more than his son)
You’re not going to die!
Sully, reigning himself in.
SULLY
I fu…I messed up. I know…I shouldn’t have pushed you before.
A spaceman backs into a hallway, screaming. He fires a round into the room he was backing out of, before catching sight of Sully and Isaiah.
SULLY
(to Isaiah)
Please, let me save you, now.
SPACEMAN
Over here!
The spaceman flips backwards onto his back, before being dragged back into the room, wailing for mercy’s sake.
Sully picks up Isaiah, who’s too weak to fight back.
ISAIAH
They’ll come out through my mouth. It’ll hurt. It’ll hurt really, really bad.
SULLY
I know. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
Sully catches sight of yet another spaceman behind them.
He ducks down and runs into another room…
Grabs a small sauce pan off of the oven…
And hides behind a kitchen counter.
ISAIAH
Dad?
SULLY
(grabbing saran wrap off of the counter)
Shhh.
The spaceman enters the apartment living quarters. Another spaceman joins him. They’re visibly shaking as they begin to search the room. (CURIOUS ABOUT THE SHAKING. NORMAL SHAKING WOULD BE HARD TO SEE THROUGH A SPACESUIT. DO YOU MEAN SHAKING AS IN AN ABNORMAL SHAKING LIKE A VIDEO GLITCHING?)
Sully carefully tears the saran wrap, makes a cut in the center of it with a pocketknife, and wraps it around the opening of the saucepan.
Sully clutches his son close to him, leaving his bat at his side, while Isaiah breathes into and out of the plastic opening in the saucepan. (GENIUS!)
ISAIAH
I wish I was normal.
SULLY
Shhh, shhh. You’re better than me. Okay? Don’t ever be like me. This is my fault. All of this is my fault. (LOVE THIS EMOTIONAL SET UP!)
A shot gun blast sounds off in the room.
REALLY GREAT OPENING! CONGRATS! Dev
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Dev’s comments in CAPS THROUGHOUT SCENE BELOW. JUST A FEW GENERAL COMMENTS. I REALLY LIKE THE CHARACTER ROY THOUGH, AT TIMES, I FIND HIS DIALOGUE OVERWRITTEN. I SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING WITH JAIL SCENE – ESPECIALLY THAT WE SEE ROY’S HEART VIA HIS KINDNESS TOWARD TYRONE. STILL – I FOUND THE JAIL SCENE HARD TO FOLLOW. ALSO FOUND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT TYRONE GOT HIT UP FOR DRUGS WHILE IN JAIL. DIDN’T SEEM REALISTIC. OVERALL, I LOVE ROY’S LOVEABLE BUT HORRIBLY FLAWED CHARACTER. GREAT ROLE!
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Roy, late 60s, scruffy despite the “interview blazer” he wears, wiry dude with nervous energy, tries the front door. Locked. He knocks.
ROY
Suzy? Oh Suzy-Q! Yo yo. Open open! Your Mr. Man is here!
No response. He leans his ear to the door. He knocks. Then he
sings through the door to the Beatle’s tune of Honeypie
ROY (CONT’D) (sung)
Suzy-Q. You are driving me crazy. And you think I am lazy.. but won’t you let me come home?
Silence. He hunts the yard for flowers (weeds) fists a bouquet and holds it up to a window at the top of the door.
ROY (CONT’D) (sung)
Oh Suzy-Q. I am freezing my ass off. And I long to be near you. So won’t you let me come in?
Silence. (LOVE THE USE OF THIS BEATLE SONG!)
ROY (CONT’D) (spoken)
Babydoll. I’m sorry for … whatever I did. Said. I dunno.
Pause.
Come on honey. Let me rub your aching little feet. Let old Roy make it right like I do. …. Your Mr. Roy reporting.. at your command…. Very cold out here. Cold. (LIKE THIS DIALOGUE BUT OVERWRITTEN FOR ME…)
Nada. He shuffles around the side of the house and lights a fire in the grill to warm himself. He keeps looking up at the house.
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
It’s dark. Fire’s gone down. He smashes his mug into the window and makes weird faces to make her laugh. (THIS IS FUN BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO CUT TO AN INT. SHOT TO SEE HIS FUNNY FACES AT WORK) Nothing. He slips the window open, steps onto the hot grill (ouching), and slides himself inside.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL- NIGHT
Cleared out. A few straggles of his clothes are on the floor. He knows what to do. He moves the fridge and gets a worn-out box. Inside: a bottle of Jim Bean, a knife, and something shiny with a ribbon, wrapped in a towel. And a note. From Suzy. It reads:
SUZY (V.O.)
You know this is hard for me but I can’t do this anymore. Take care of yourself you dope and don’t do anything stupid. Oh, and this medal? So. Get your benefits. Not that anyone can tell you what to do. Roy. I’m out. Take care. (GREAT CONTENT JUST OVERWRITTEN A BIT…)
Roy is surprised that Suzy knows. It shakes him. He drinks. Then he gathers himself and gets to it. He fills the tub and slips into the bath. He shaves off his beard and stares at himself.
ROY
Yo asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while. (LOVE THIS)
Wrapped in the clothes he uses as towels, he locates a few hidden tools under the sink: screwdriver, multitool, gloves. He sets everything out. He sets his shoes out. His box. He puts his coat by the window. He’s ready.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL – DAWN
Roy sleeps in the hallway, clothes packed around him and piled on top of him when a key turns the lock. Roy bolts awake. The landlord enters with a crowbar in his hand. Two cleaning ladies lean in behind the landlord to catch a glimpse of Roy.
LANDLORD
Get out.
ROY
Goooooood morning!
LANDLORD
Out.
ROY
Yo, let a man take a morning dump, would ya?
Roy sprints into the bathroom and locks the door. The landlord tries the bathroom door. To the cleaning ladies:
LANDLORD
Go ahead and start in the kitchen.
The landlord hears Roy singing through the door.
LANDLORD (CONT’D)
I’m not as patient as Suzy. You got one minute and I bust down the door.
Roy gathers his tools puts on his shoes, and talks while he opens the window.
ROY
And ruin this nice house? Don’t do that, Joe. It’s Joe, right? I had a friend name a Joe once….. He died.
LANDLORD
Get the fuck out you mooch. I lost a great tenant because of you.
Roy shimmies through the window, calling back
ROY
Joe. Joe. You gotta work on your windows, man. Wax the sashes. and runs to the beat up cleaning van. (I DON’T UNDERSTAND LAST LINE… MIX OF ACTION GET IN THERE?)
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL & CLEANING VAN – CONTINUOUS
Roy slides into the van and rams the screwdriver into the ignition.
ROY
Come on old girl… Make it rain.
He gets it to turnover, and backs out as
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL
The landlord pounds on the bathroom door.
LANDLORD
Yo. Get out. Now!
The landlord forces the door as the van pulls onto the road. Joe finds the window open and a pile of shit on the floor.
INT/EXT- VAN – CONTINUOUS
Totally wired, leaning on the filthy steering wheel, ROY forces the accelerator to the floor freaking out every other car who dodges the maniac, swerves and pulls over.
ROY
Yeah baby! Rock em sock em! Step aside Uncle Roy knows how to fly!
Sirens behind. Roy looks back at them.
ROY (CONT’D)
That’s the plan! Free room and board comin up from behind. Watch out guys, old Roy’s coming in for a landing.
(NEED SLUGLINE FOR EXT. AND INT. PIGGLY WIGGLY)
He swerves into a PIGGLY WIGGLY and slams into the building. Nobody’s hurt but the front of the van now looks at the sausage counter inside.
ROY (CONT’D)
Hot dang! I ain’t felt that good since I blew up the ammo tent in Nam. Fuckers exploded for hours!
The MANAGER of the Piggly Wiggly runs out waving his arms – PEOPLE with coffee cups scream at him- The COP CAR parks sideways behind him and TWO COPS jump out- GUNS aimed. Still at the wheel, Roy rehearses:
ROY (CONT’D)
Officer, Officers, a man needs his java bean. So sorry, but I seem to have mistakenly hit something. I can’t see shit with these eyes- I’m a veteran, Yes, sir, fucked up. Nam. Hell, you’re just a young pup aren’t you, son. Pop that zit. So where do I get my coffee? (DIALOGUE SEEMS OVERWRITTEN – “LESS IS MORE?”)
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL
THREE MEN, strung out and acting jaggy and a terrified teen TYRONE, share the holding cell with Roy. The teen looks back and forth – eyes dart, scared and shaky. The big guy barfs a load at the kid’s feet while Roy yanks Tyrone out of the way just in time.
ROY
Christ, what was that? Spaghetti?
To the kid.
ROY (CONT’D)
Gotta dodge.
But Tyrone seems paralyzed. The guy who puked stares at
Tyrone. The other two, SKANK and BUTTROT are nervous, and pound the walls. Skank rolls on his side back and forth.
SKANK
Pain! I’m in fucking pain!
Buttrot heads to the open toilet. Severe case of diarrhea which drips all over his legs. It reeks. Tyrone holds his nose.
PUKEFACE
(to Tyrone) I know you.
Roy stands in front of the kid and blocks Pukeface.
ROY
No no no Pukeface. You have a case of “mistaken I. D. Ent- IT tee.”
PUKEFACE
(to the kid) Where is it?
He gets close and reaches to grab the kid and Roy shoves his arm out of the way.
PUKEFACE (CONT’D)
Where’s the fucking blow?
ROY
Back off big boy.
Pukeface lurches at the boy again. Roy grabs his shirt.
TYRONE
I don’t have no drugs. I took a car. I don’t have drugs.
ROY
You’re standing in your slop Pukeface. Watch you don’t slip.
Roy gives the Puke a shove and the man falls backwards and face down between Buttrot’s legs. Buttrot flushes the toilet before Pukeface rolls away.
ROY (CONT’D) (to Pukeface)
Head call?
PUKEFACE (to Roy)
I will kill you. You’re fuckin dead!
Tyrone backs up and Roy sits his ass down next to him.
BUTTROT
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Buttrot tries to stand but has to sit down again.
ROY
I took a car, too.
TYRONE
You did?
ROY
Yes sir. Yes sir. Why’d you take a car?
TYRONE
Tik tok.
ROY
Tickety tockerdy now you’re in the stockardy. How’s that for a life plan?
A guard comes and bangs the bars. He carries a tray with gray slop which supposedly holds something to eat.
GUARD
Shut up. Back away.
He slides it in.
GUARD (CONT’D)
Goddamn junkies. You reek.
And walks away. The kid is starving, but when he tastes it, he spits it out. Even the Pukeface laughs. The kid stares. Calling back to the guard.
ROY
Now that’s fine service!
He smells it.
ROY (CONT’D)
It would appear that my retirement plan is misguided. I think a hospital is a much better option, don’t you? Tyrone, why don’t we play “slide on the slop then throw it where you flop?
ROY (CONT’D)
Watch me fellas. (to Tyrone) Like this.
Roy splashes his food onto the floor and slides across the room in it. Tyrone is amazed. He joins in. Together, they slide all over the cell. Skank gets agitated and starts yelling.
SKANK
Pain! Fuck fuck fuck!
Skank grabs his stomach and rolls around with severe abdominal cramps. Buttrot flushes and wobbles to stand. The floor is slick and a stinking mix of so-called food and puke. Skank throws his food at Roy. A guard comes by to stop the chaos.
ROY
Just a little food fight, officer.
GUARD
You’re gonna eat that shit.
Exactly as Roy expected.
ROY
(feigns terror) Uh oh. Sorry officer. So sorry. I was just cooling it down.
He scrapes it and dumps it into the toilet and then flushes. It clogs and overflows. The guard watches it all.
BUTTROT
(howls) I need that toilet!
SKANK
Pain! Ow ow ow!
PUKEFACE
Motherfucker!
He pummels, kicks, and beats Roy senseless.
GUARD
You like that, Roy? Asshole. (to Pukeface) Back off.
Tyrone stands back in awe.
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Hi Dev, I’m grateful your helpful comments and careful reading. I added the sluglines (thanks!) you noted and adjusted the dialogue the mentioned- especially about the drugs in jail- although I’m staying with the lengths for now. “Wax the sashes” means the windows are hard to raise – window sashes- Basically Roy’s is busting on the landlord.
good wishes!
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Kates. Final Assignment V.2
Intro Nia
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING
A brightly painted red, white and blue old school bus, with a load on the roof and small trailer also packed high, drives up the dirt track and parks near a stand of trees.
Eight young people (20s)emerge in various states of disarray, carrying bags and backpacks, stretching and yawning. It has been a long drive.
Two begin to unpack the trailer, the rest are wandering toward the trees. One is sprinting ahead as the others laugh.
Out of the bus comes a young Asian-American man (SHAUNN) with a backpack, stepping backwards and calling into the bus.
SHAUNN
Come on Nia. You’ll feel better if you just get up and come out here.
He stops and leans in.
SHAUNN
Good girl! See? Better, right?
He steps back off the steps holding out his hand. A many be-ringed hand clutching a blue towel, attached to a long, slender, purple-sleeved arm, reaches for his outstretched hand and a young elf of a woman, (half black/half white), steps onto the bottom step.
Draped in an over-sized purple cardigan, hanging half-off a faded red T with the words ‘Mother-f–’ on it, over pink flannel PJs decorated with black puppies barely holding on to her tiny hips, NIA is not feeling well.
A weave of wild, dreadlocked, reddish hair is loosely tied up into a dangerously unstable knot on her head, mirroring the large red clogs on her feet.
She misses Shaunn’s hand and topples off the step onto the grass.
Nia lies on her back, eyes closed, the blue towel to her mouth.
SHAUNN
Shit, Nia. Are you alright?
NIA
Do I look alright?
SHAUNN
You look like crap, cute crap but crap.
Nia opens her eyes as he looks down at her.
NIA
Thank you. I think I’m going to throw up.
She rolls over quickly and barfs (a little, quietly) into the towel. Shaunn sighs and holds back the teetering dreads.
SHAUNN
Now do you feel better?
NIA
Um, not sure yet.
Starts to sit up.
NIA
Oops!
More quiet barfing.
SHAUNN
I’m impressed. You do that very quietly.
Nia nods, her head still over the towel.
SHAUNN
Practice I guess. How many times this tour?
Nia holds up 4 fingers still not looking at him.
SHAUNN
That all? Seems like many more.
Nia closes her fist and holds up 4 more.
SHAUNN
That’s what I thought. It’s been one of the joys of traveling with you, Nia.
Nia finally sits up and looks at him, through makeup-smudged eyes.
NIA
That and I’m really good on stage.
SHAUNN
Especially as a raccoon.
Nia gives him the finger.
SHAUNN
How are you doing?
Nia sighs. This is a regular thing with her. She is used to it and recovers fast.
NIA
Oh, you know. Give me a minute. Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for the last hour. You got any water?
Shaunn helps her sit up, carefully avoiding the towel.
SHAUNN
In my backpack.
As he searches for the water bottle, Nia from her seated position propped up against the wheel of the bus, stows the towel under the step and looks around.
NIA
This is pretty sweet! Worth those terrible curves. Why does Susan drive so damned fast?
SHAUNN
To get here before dark. If we hadn’t stopped for the hamburgers…
NIA
Don’t mention them! It was that awful bison burger and the driving that did me in.
SHAUNN
You didn’t have to eat it.
NIA
I know but the girls wanted to share – they’re so expensive – I couldn’t say no.
Nia takes the water and smiles warmly at him. She rinses her mouth and spits.
SHAUNN
And look where it got you? Me holding a towel under your face for an hour.
NIA
Thanks Dad.
SHAUNN
More like Mom. Seriously, you’ve got your ‘No’ map off-kilter.
NIA
(singing)
“I’m jist a girl who cain’t say no,
I’m in a turrible fix”.
SHAUNN
And then of course there are the times your NO Button works very well.
NIA
He was a creep.
SHAUNN
It was a waste of very good beer.
NIA
He had his hand on my butt. I didn’t like it, ask for it or give permission.
SHAUNN
And I, for one, am never putting my hand on your butt – promise.
Nia grins, followed by a little burp.
NIA
Ooh! That’s better. You’re the best. I really am sorry. I was so excited to be back on the road. In this strange, wonderful new place with all the wild west food!
SHAUNN
You’re always excited. It’s not the West, it’s southern California.
Nia starts to stand.
SHAUNN
Here, let me help you.
Nia barely lets him as she lurches up and leans on the bus.
NIA
Sure not New York! It’s a magic kingdom. There’s a thrill in the air – something incredible is going to happen!
SHAUNN
The incredible thing will be that it’s dark and your tent isn’t set up. Can you make it to the trees?
He’s half teasing, half serious. Offers her his hand again.
NIA
I love this time of night.
She takes a dramatic stance and quotes:
“Evenings are the beautifully sweet spot between the harsh light of the day and the dead darkness of night.”
SHAUNN
Beautiful. Who said that?
NIA
It’s one Mr Unknown’s. But I love it. I could live there. A spirit between worlds.
She looks off.
SHAUNN
I know you could. But right now? You’re an actress who’s on tour, with a campsite to HELP set up. After you, Ma’am.
Shaunn executes a deep Sir Walter Raleigh type bow.
NIA
Kind sir, I will be with you in but a mere instant. Just give me a small scintilla of time to soak in this.
Nia curtseys, then pops up again – all contemporary girl.
And then I’ll pitch the tent like lightening and make my super-best, mouth-watering, over-the-top pancakes for EVERYONE!
SHAUNN
Yesss! Deal! Finished with the water?
NIA
One more rinse.
Nia rinses vigorously and spits again. Shaunn goes back into the bus and comes out with another bag. She is looking out pensively to the horizon. She sees him.
NIA
(brightly)
Hey, positive side. I didn’t throw up in the bus!
SHAUNN
There is that. You have amazing control over that sort of thing – even if your imagination is out of hand. And your speed of recovery is second to none.
Nia laughs and starts off. Then she turns to Shaunn.
NIA
Thank you Shaunn. For holding me together. I keep thinking I’m over the car-sick thing. One day I’ll grow up. One day I’ll even say no to food I don’t really want!
Nia blows him a theatrical kiss and walks away from the trees to the open field. Shaunn watches her a moment then shoulders the 2 packs and walks off to join the others.
EXT. SAME FIELD – 3 MINUTES LATER
Nia stands on the edge of the hill looking over the darkening valley. Hugging the purple cardigan around her in the waning light, she is very still, all animation dropping from her.
NIA
(whispering)
What do you think, Mom? Gonna be fun, right?
END SCENE
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Hi Kate,
Thanks for your notes/feedback on Retirement. Why Roy doesn’t get hurt- yeah- I have an idea for that, thank you- it was bothering me, too, and I’ll change the script. Leaving the poo in Suzy’s bathroom- I don’t think “when” matters and I want him to leave more than an open window but a nice ‘surprise’ for the landlord. Yes, in an old vehicle (not the type with a button and fob), a screwdriver was the go- to ignition starter for car theft. What Tyrone says- really, all of the things you pointed out are things I worried about so I’ll reconsider his dialogue.
I read both versions of your script. As always, toss what I comment that doesn’t resonate for you.
First, I love the location, the beat up bus, and the troupe of actors speaks to my nostalgic past. It’s poetic and leans on the magical. What a fun journey you promise. I think your v2 improves the lyricism and vision. I personally think that it’s not necessary and might be detrimental to note that Nia is half Black and half White. You’ll limit your choices, and unfortunately, people will take umbrage – as in- she may identify as Black etc. I think the dreads tell the reader all one needs to know.
I have three concerns about the scene: 1. There seems to be no subtext. It’s cute, it’s sweet, the relationship is kind- but the dialogue is expository. Just being there is the launch into a marvelous adventure- so what’re the layers?
I’m not sure if the line “even if your imagination is out of hand” is in v2 but it’s on the nose- and it would be fun to hear Nia thinking her visions aloud- not just play quotes.
2. Ads for actors: Shaun is obviously a great guy, kind- but what are his quirks?- mannerisms? – rhythms? you want to highlight? Like, Shaun, always has to be the strong one but …. etc What is unique and vulnerable about him for the introduction? Likewise Nia. What’s bold and unique?
3. Yes we’re in this amazing place, and the characters are sweet- but which way are we going? Is there a horrific monster lurking? Are there bandits or other dangers? What’s your genre? And what compels us to have to watch?
Sweet start, Kate. all good wishes, June
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thank you June. food for thought. I appreciate it! Kate 🙂
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Hi Kate,
I posted a critique for your assignment, but I put it in the wrong place. It’s at the end of all the posts on the second page. Thank you!
Lisa
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Anna Harper Ad for an A list actor Woody Norman: Poledark, Troy, C’mon C’mon
What I learned from this assignment. Small tweaks made a difference. Seeding visuals, (angels) throughout the script (with a light hand) is a part of my subtext. For the purpose of this assignment, I eliminated transitional scenes which did not feature this character.
SILENT NIGHT
Character’s Name
DYLAN MARTIN
SITUATION
Dylan is a 13-year-old boy. He has been electively totally mute since his mother died in a car crash two years ago. He lives with his father Steve who does not entirely understand why Dylan will not come out of his ‘bubble’. Dylan is having all sorts of trouble, he gets bullied by other boys and his Grade 6 teacher is his arch-nemesis who wants him sent away to a boarding school. Dylan is rescued by a dog with superpowers Alfie, who is able to communicate with Dylan telepathically gradually breaking through Dylan’s silence. Dylan in turn rescues Alfie and learns to be caring and make connections with others.
DESCRIPTION
Dylan is a gifted artist. He likes to express himself by dressing in “boarder” shorts even in winter, has an earring in one ear, wears his hair like a rock star, (long), and favors Kaleo band T-shirts as his favorite way of dressing. His father indulges him in expensive runners/trainers which he cannot really afford. He has one friend Daisy who has her own problems with her parents.
EXT. VILLAGE HIGH STREET/DAY ESTABLISHING
Lyme Regis, a small historic English seaside village (used to shoot The French Lieutenant’s Woman, Persuasion, Wonka, and others)) is all decked out for Christmas. Beautiful lights are strung across the high streets and hanging baskets with Christmas arrangements swing from the antique wrought-iron street lamps. The shop windows sparkle with Christmas displays. A band of street musicians are playing Silent Night. From the top of the High street, the road runs down to the winter blue sea sparkling in the afternoon sun. Christmas tourists and locals create a busy, happy energetic street scene. A light dusting of snow is on the ground.
EXT.VILLAGE SCHOOL/DAY
DYLAN exits the school nervously looks around, and starts to run, looking back towards the school, he sees a pack of boys begin to follow him. They all start to run after Dylan. The boys are shouting, “weirdo, Dumbo, retard, you haven’t got a mother, that’s why you are a lame weirdo.”
(Music opening bars “We are going down.” Kaleo)
MISS ELIZABETH PERKINS the Grade 6 teacher, is standing on the school steps watching the boys passively, with a malevolent smile.
EXT. VILLAGE HIGH STREET/DAY
The boys continue to run after a terrified Dylan. Dylan runs panting, stumbling, and flings himself into the bakery shop doorway, opens the shop door, then hides inside.
INT.BAKERY/DAY
The bakery is festooned with Christmas garlands, lots of angels and snowflakes decorate the window. Piles of Christmas goodies are on display. A young attractive woman, (wearing an angel T-shirt) MICKEY the baker is behind the counter.
MICKEY
Hey fella, what’s up, what’s happening? Are you alright? Are those boys giving you a hard time? Can I help you, my friend? Do you want me to kick their ass?
The boys run past the window. Dylan is coughing and spluttering for breath. Dylan checks they are down the street and then runs out the door, doorbells ringing behind him in the opposite direction.
Again he hears the boys yelling, taunting, getting closer. He runs up a side alley behind the Fresh from the Sea fish and chip shop. Desperate, he lifts the lid of a large garbage skiff, climbs in, and closes the lid on himself.
INT.GARBAGE SKIFF/DAY
Panting, coughing, and starting to cry in the darkened, garbage-filled skiff. The sound of the boys bullying voices, calling Dylan names, threatening, fade into the distance.
Dylan emerges from under the trash, dazed. There are sounds of rustling in the trash, Dylan is terrified, crying, he huddles in the corner.
DYLAN V.O.
Rats, there are rats in here!
A huge scruffy all-black Newfoundland dog emerges from under the trash with a large piece of fish and chip wrapper in his mouth. Dylan screams.
ALFIE
Shhh! Or those nasty bully boys will be back.
DYLAN V.O.
Who is talking to me?
ALFIE speaks to Dylan telepathically.
ALFIE V.O.
It’s me I am talking to you, silently, inside your head, I have superpowers. We can talk like this and no one can hear us. Brilliant isn’t it?
DYLAN V.O.
I must have banged my head, I must be imagining this.
ALFIE V.O.
Nope, it’s me super dog Alfie at your service.
Dylan’s body language is one of fear, cowering in the corner.
DYLAN V.O.
This is some kind of trick!
ALFIE V.O.
No, it’s just you and me talking silently, like I said this is my superpower, what is your name?
DYLAN V.O.
It’s Dylan and I still don’t believe this is happening.
ALFIE V.O.
We are talking telepathically. From my mind to your mind. Got it. It’s just us, you and me talking, no one can hear us, so relax OK, chill. It’s kinda like on Star Trek.I’m starving, licking the fish and chip paper didn’t help. I know let’s go to the butcher shop trash and see if there are any tasty bits of raw meat left in the bin!
DYLAN V.O.
That’s disgusting, revolting, and you are the dirtiest dog I have ever seen! You stink! Gross man!
ALFIE V.O.
See! I told you. We are talking silently inside each other’s heads, it’s not a trick it’s a superpower. Now let’s get out of here before the boys find us.
DYLAN V.O.
We are not going to eat raw dirty old meat from a bin!
ALFIE V.O.
I’m a homeless dog, Dylan. And I’m starving. Can’t remember when I last had a decent bowl of grub or slept in a warm place, so I’m off to the butcher’s shop bin, are you coming? If you stay with me I can protect you from the bully boys.
DYLAN V.O.
We had better go to my house. I’m pretty sure I can sneak you in before my Dad gets home from driving the bus. I am pretty sure we can find some food in the fridge.
EXT. VILLAGE HIGH STREET/DUSK/EVENING
Dylan and Alfie walk through the village streets, all decorated for Christmas, Christmas music is being played by street performers. Charlie Brown’s Christmas.
EXT.ESTABLISHING/DYLAN AND STEVE’S COTTAGE/DAY
INT.DYLAN AND STEVE’S COTTAGE/EVENING
DYLAN and ALFIE enter the cottage through the back door, into the cottage kitchen. a Christmas tree is visible from the adjoining room.
ALFIE
I smell bacon, there is bacon somewhere in here! I’m so hungry I think I might pass out.
DYLAN
Dylan and Alfie open the fridge door.
Check this out, there’s a couple of sausages a leftover pork chop from last night. Look at the big mess we have made on the floor! We have to clean this up before my Dad gets home, or he is gonna freak!. And you are going to have a bath Alfie, how did you get so dirty?
ALFIE
Noooo! No bath, I hate baths. I’ve been sleeping rough, I’m a homeless dog.
DYLAN
No bath, no meat, got it! Bath first, or no meat for you!
INT.BATHROOM DAY
Dylan runs a bath with a load of bubbles and begins to shampoo a reluctant Alfie.
DYLAN
I can feel your ribs sticking out underneath all that dirty fur. I am sorry Alfie, you must be very hungry. Next stop kitchen OK?
ALFIE
Ok, I have told you my secrets, now you have to tell me your secrets, why don’t you talk like other humans?
DYLAN
My Mom died in a car crash. Now I don’t want to talk to anyone or answer their stupid questions. When I am in my bubble, as my Dad calls it, I can feel like my Mom is still close. If I talk, I am scared she might go away. So I stay in my silent bubble and they can all just bug off!
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Hi Anna, Thanks for your comments on Retirement. Here’re my thoughts for Silent Night- and as always, discard anything I write that doesn’t resonate…
First off, the premise is, of course, very sweet, and I love the kid you cite as the star- Woody Norman- so cute. The situation is compelling and the village/town location is a welcome treat.
I think the descriptions need to be edited a lot, because reading this is more like reading a short story and it’s expository. It also seems like serial and disconnected actions rather than an arena that’s intertwined.
For example- what if Dylan is worried as he leaves school when he sees that the harassing kids are whispering to Elizabeth? Then she gives them a little shove in Dylan’s direction and they taunt Dylan? This gives her more power, and the kids are pawns.
Also, I don’t believe that kids would taunt someone for not having a mom- but I do think that Dylan’s muteness would be a target. It’s not necessary to reveal everything at once. The kids personalities have to be developed and motivated, too
The bakery- while you have lots of descriptions of the town, the inside of the bakery and Dylan’s immediate actions are missing. For example- what if he dives behind the counter at Micky’s feet, and hides his face with a pastry box- so when he stands- he’s still covering his face with it?
The dialogue in the trash bin can be edited so that it’s far more direct and emotionally connected. Such as, the sound of thrashing below him- Dylan screams in his head “rats!” “Mom! Dad!”
I think you’ve got a fine structure and a sweet setup which can be greatly enhanced with editing and with more actively engaged emotions, desires and personalities- and if you show the compounding difficulties Dylan faces on top of what he’s already trying to shoulder. (like getting a stinky dog out of the trash and sneaking him home with the boys are on the prowl.) All good tidings and I look forward to reading more. June
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Hi Anna!
I like your premise to start. It’s very sympathetic and compassionate. It also is an interesting story that could be a good kids film (I’m guessing it’s for kids based on the lead’s age).
I agree with most of June’s comments, so I won’t repeat them here.
The only thing I would add is to maybe not make Alfie’s dialogue so on the nose, Instead of just saying he has a superpower, perhaps it’s revealed more through the story.
Otherwise, great job!
Oh, and in regards to your comments on mine, the White Knights actually weren’t KKK, but a police force in the future that wears all white. But I thank you for that comment, because if it’s coming across wrong (and I can see it is), I need to change it!
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Hey Anna!
Do you want to exchange feedback?
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Thanks, June! You gave me some great stuff to conjure on!
Dev
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Cameron,
Thank you! Your notes never disappoint and ALWAYS give me much to chew on.
I’m grateful.
Dev
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Great V2 Kate! The new dialogue really set-up the promise of Nia and Shauun’s relationship without giving anything away. Much more fun in their exchanges this version. Oh, I loved the ‘sprinting towards the trees’ at the top when actors have just climbed out of the bus. Made me laugh out loud. Overall, this version did a great job of setting up Nia with that twist at the end where we see so much more – at a deeper level – is going on. Yay you!
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Day 11 Seducing Actors Module – Anita Gomez’s final scene for feedback exchange.
What I learned rewriting this scene: My Day 10 chosen scene introduced DIANNA as a young adult after watching her grow up in the First Act. It purposefully had no dialogue underscoring her social isolation against the backdrop of a fever-pitch HS football game. So, it needed context, and I then wrote the scene immediately preceding and the two that follow. They not only fulfill the assignment but gave me the opportunity to use dialogue, subtext and dueling agendas to deliver who my character Dianna is / has become as a young woman.
NEWLY INSERTED SCENE (Second Act):
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents (PETER AND IRENE WOZNIAK) are finishing up a whispered conversation between them in the kitchen. They both looked extremely worried.
Dianna, now a High School senior, enters the room. She has only grown more beautiful and self-possessed. She doesn’t greet them but goes to the refrigerator for a snack.
IRENE
Sweetie, it’s after eight and the game’s already started. Aren’t you going with your friends?
Dianna looks blank.
PETER
There was a time you couldn’t keep me away from a good football game, even years after I graduated. Go Bulldogs!
His lame attempt at a fist bump falls flat.
Dianna puts on a forced smile.
DIANNA
Oh, you know sports aren’t my thing.
IRENE
Well I couldn’t tell a full-back from a half-back myself but it’s really just about socializing. You know, a good excuse to go out with the girls.
DIANNA
What girls?
Her mom sighs heavily.
IRENE
Well Dianna I guess that’s my point. Don’t you have anyone you want to hang out with?
Dianna considers her parents for a moment like an anthropologist might look at some bones, with interest but no emotion.
Then she defaults to an overly-bright front, like choosing an outfit or flipping on a switch.
DIANNA
Mom and dad, you’re right. I should be out there enjoying myself. I’ll just take this to go.
Dianna reaches back into the frig and pulls out a few additions to her snack, wraps them in a paper towel, grabs her denim jacket off a nearby hook and leaves out the back door without another look or word for her parents.
INT. PARENT’S GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
The kitchen door leads into the garage. Before getting into the car parked inside Dianna stands in front of her father’s work bench perusing the various chemicals lined up on a shelf revealing a litany of paint thinner, bleach, rat poison, etc.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
It’s the Homecoming Game for “The Bulldogs”. They’re ahead and the crowd is jubilant and rowdy.
Dianna stands alone at the sidelines near the edge of the bleachers.
Everyone else is engrossed in the game, even the HANDLER for the school’s mascot – a big sleepy-looking bulldog who has wandered away from the handler to sit near the bleachers.
Dianna isn’t paying attention to the game. She’s watching the dog.
Dianna pulls something wrapped in paper from her pocket and walks closer to the bulldog who perks up as he scents something… the something in Dianna’s hand.
She unwraps the paper and holds it toward the big dog who licks his chops and follows her under the bleachers.
Dianna holds out the meaty treat which the mascot greedily wolfs down. Then she watches.
Suddenly the dog goes stiff and falls over on its side, going into seizures.
Dianna just stands there coolly observing, as the crowd goes wild in the background over a touchdown.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY
Dianna’s parents, the Wozniaks, are seated in front of the principal’s desk. There are several others in the room.
PRINCIPAL
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak, this is DEAN OF STUDENTS BROWN, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR JUAREZ and DR. JOHANSON.
(beat)
Do you know why we called this meeting?
Both parents look confused and shake their heads “no”.
PRINCIPAL
The school’s mascot Freddy was found unconscious under the bleachers last night.
He waits for any reaction from the two parents who talk over each other.
IRENE
Oh no! Is he okay?
PETER
I’m sorry, but what has this got to do with us?
PRINCIPAL (continued)
Thankfully Freddy will recover. But it seems he ingested something that made him quite ill.
The Principal looks over pointedly to the Counselor.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR <st1:place w:st=”on”>JUAREZ</st1:place>
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak we believe Dianna may have had something to do with this.
IRENE AND PETER
(in unison)
What!? What do you mean??
COUNSELOR <st1:place w:st=”on”>JUAREZ</st1:place>
Dianna was seen near the bleachers where Freddy was found.
Both parents begin sputtering indignant replies but are cut off by the Psychiatrist.
DR. JOHANSON
We can’t prove anything here. We have only a few witnesses and their observations to base our assumptions on. But we do feel there are enough disturbing comments made about your daughter that we needed to have this difficult conversation.
(beat)
Have you ever heard of the term ‘Vulnerable Narcissist’?
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak look shaken and indicate no.
DR. JOHANNSON (Continued in a very clinical manner)
This personality trait is strongly associated with borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by the fear of abandonment, interpersonal and affective instability, impulsivity, chronic feelings of emptiness and suicidal ideation. It’s often connected to Alexithymia which is a term to describe problems with feeling emotions and a complete indifference towards other people.
PETER
(interrupts, highly agitated)
Are you calling my daughter crazy?
IRENE
(overwhelmed and distressed)
What are you saying?
DEAN BROWN gives Dr. Johanson a look and tries a more tactful approach.
DEAN OF STUDENTS PETERS
School records indicate Dianna is adopted. What can you tell us about her birth parents?
DAD
Absolutely nothing. She was listed as a Jane Doe and abandoned at a fire station at 3 days old.
DR. JOHANSON
It is unfortunate not to have any background information for an assessment since these personality disorders often show up as a genetic behaviors.
(beat)
Surely you’ve noticed some of these traits along the way?
Now both parents look very uncomfortable – they know in their hearts these things to be true of their daughter.
Mrs. Wozniak begins quietly weeping. Her husband remains stoic.
DR. JOHANSON (Continued)
I’m sorry. I know you are good parents and you shouldn’t look on this situation as any fault of yours. But I do think it would be good to speak with Dianna as soon as you can about entering therapy.
PETER
She just turned 18… and has always been very strong-willed…. I doubt if we could make her –
He trails off miserably –
DR. JOHANSON
I understand. It’s unfortunate that a diagnosis wasn’t made earlier in her life, but these cases can be very hard to define. Especially in one so high-functioning as Dianna. Here’s my card should you find a way to convince her to talk to a professional.
DEAN PETERS
Dianna’s academics are excellent and we know she’s applied for early graduation. And as we don’t have any concrete evidence surrounding this tragic incident, the school will be allowing Dianna to finish the remainder of the semester.
(beat)
We wish your family luck Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak.
INT. WOZNIAK’S LIVING ROOM – THAT NIGHT
Mr. Wozniak is pacing. Mrs. Wozniak sits tearing at a used tissue in her hands, her eyes red-rimmed from crying.
Dianna saunters down the stairs oblivious to the angst in the house.
PETER
Dianna, sit down please.
She does so without any trace of curiosity.
PETER (Continued)
Dianna, we spent most of the afternoon at your school today.
Still no response from Dianna.
IRENE
(blurts it out)
Oh Dianna! Did you do it? Did you do this terrible thing!?
Dianna’s face remains unreadable.
PETER
We heard about the mascot being poisoned Dianna. People say –
DIANNA
What people dad?
She turns to her mother.
DIANNA
The girls you said I should go hang out with for fun?
(sighs)
Look, the people at my school are children. They act like hormonal morons with nothing better to do than fill their heads with gossip or fantasies. I went to their stupid gladiator games – at your suggestion – and found it as boring as I thought I would. So I left and I drove around for a while. And I don’t know anything about any stupid dog.
Both parents look at each other. Irene wants desperately to believe her daughter. Peter is a bit more objective in his assessment.
The Dianna laughs. It really is a delightful sound, if not out of place.
DIANNA
Oh mom, come on. You know me! In fact, I was going to surprise you both later but I guess now’s a good time to tell you –
(beat)
I’ve been accepted into M.I.T.! Isn’t that great!?
Her parents’ looks go from stricken to surprise and then stunned and pleased. They go over to hug Dianna and congratulate her.
IRENE
Oh sweetie! I’m so happy for you! I knew you couldn’t –
Mrs. Wozniak bites off the rest of her comments.
Mr. Wozniak is more reserved but still congratulates his daughter.
DIANNA
And I know what I’m going to major in. You know I’ve always loved science. Well, I really want to make life easier for others, and so I’m going into genetic research – mostly because well, you know – my own anatomical anomaly of having been born with only one kidney compels me to uncover others with kidney deficiency, and what I can do to help.
This altruistic self-deprecating speech seems to have done the trick, and we leave the scene with Dianna’s parents happy for her, sweeping aside all their doubts and fears.
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Hi Anita, Intriguing and disturbing piece. As always, discard the comments I make that don’t resonate.
I think that the first part is well written. The concept is a great hook. The scene in the kitchen is believable and natural. I was surprised that the child actually goes to the game. I thought she’d hang out in the garage or in her room- just to escape her parents’ gaze.
There are some “well”s that are redundant.
The dialogue gets expositional and inactive when the parents meet with the school counselor. The genetic backstory might be important to your story overall, but it’s off topic to the immediacy of the scene- which is- this is a dangerous and volatile situation. The child is potentially a walking time bomb- already demonstrating cruel behavior which will escalate. Cruelty to animals, if proven, is a crime and will be prosecuted. And the school is not issuing any threats such as she’ll be expelled, she’ll have a police record, and she’ll be forced to see a shrink. She’ll be taken from you.
The counselors ‘suggest’ that the child might see a shrink- whereas they would need to insist that the parents confront the child and insist on therapy. The explanations of what it could be- while the child has not been definitively proven to be the perp- is not the gear that turns this wheel- because it greatly slows the action and is expository.
The weakness on both sides makes the scene implausible because there’s no adamant directive and no pushback. At least one side has to be strong- or the scene falls flat. Optimally, both sides would have strong povs and the scene would become heated and emotional on both sides. You have created an awesome situation here- so I think you can thrill audiences with a sharp and emotional scene.
The turnabout at the end by the child makes the parents look so incompetent that it would be hard for a viewer to figure out who might arrest this situation going forward. The antagonist to the child has not yet been introduced. And the child is so placid, that, despite the great set up, and obviously demonic underpinnings- – the story feels listless- and that nothing will happen at all.
I think you’re a good writer and that you can sharpen this with emotional bite and make it fly off the page. There’s plenty of time to explain what’s going on with the girl’s condition – but what I think is needed is immediacy on the parts of all the characters. Good wishes, always. June
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by June f.
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Hi June,
I wholeheartedly agree with you about the scene in the Principal’s office. It is definitely first draft stuff. I hope to post a V.2 today. To address a couple of your other thoughts – The thing about writing scenes out of order is the reader does not have the benefit of knowing what came before. The story spans 20 years beginning with Dianna’s mother considering an abortion. This set-up happens in Act 2 after watching Dianna as a young girl commits increasingly cruel acts (starting small with frying ants under a magnifying glass, etc) and building to the dog poisoning … all leading to her later having her own abortion and then ultimately murdering her biological father in the next to last scene. Her character arc is dark (to say the least) and does not progress as ‘growth’… but degenerates as she goes from bad to worse. Dianna is the 3rd piece of a dramatic triangle and in some ways SHE is the shadowy antagonist to her mother. I’ve never written a sociopathic character before. I do think I have been able to craft SHOWING rather than TELLING of her mental illness prior to this scene in the HS office. This is where it comes to a head, but also where we leave the adoptive parents behind and she moves off to college, etc. Obviously with such a pivotal moment, there is more polishing for me to do! Thanks for taking the time to read it and give feedback! If you have time later today to check out my Version 2, that’d be great.
Best,
Anita
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Alice’s final scene for feedback exchange
OPENING SCENE:
Representation of how SEPARATION works. Life moves on another rails. “What new qualities did you acquire?” “I can move walls apart”
EXT. TOP OF RESIDENTIAL – DAY
On the roof of beautiful residential building there is a square basin.
Keeping granddaughter on his lap, JUDGE watches, how his son is fishing, sitting on the edge of the basin, with legs into water.
JUDGE
That is a FISH! He caught it!
He says to kid, as his son pulls out a fish, sparkling under sunrays.
INCITING INCIDENT:
Planet MIROPOLIS 260 B.C. by Earth count.
North of Miropolis. Plane crosses from their Far East, Hawaii-like resort area back to Eastern shore of Western Hemisphere. Just some strip of Ocean water.
PILOT
Free citizens of the WEST! We are experiencing slight weather trouble due to the Northern winds, please remain seated. Landing on East Shore of Miropolis in about one and a half hour supposedly.
Really, plane shakes a bit, moving up and down under winds.
THANAKH, (34), middle-height, light-haired, even-tempered, as if everything in him is some kind of tempered ideal, Scientist working at Research Institute, travels back with his girlfriend KIAT (27), subtle attractive brunet, her skin darkened under sun they spent weekend under.
THANAKH
Kiat, awake, we are home!
Kiat awakes, pulls out cosmetic mirror, and puts on lipstick, making her lips really dark red.
She glances on Thanakh, and they hold hands, trying to make it less visible, and looking away from each other.
INT. PROTAGONIST’S APPARTMENT – DAY
Small but cozy one-room apartment of Thanakh, which combines bedroom, guest room with a screen, and office with computer, is submerged in dusk.
Thanakh enters. Phone rings. He picks it up.
THANAKH
Hello!
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Did you receive documentation?
THANAKH
Yes.
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
You have to be prepared to speak tomorrow!
THANAKH
It’s done. Are you sure it went through?
DIRECTOR (O.C.)
You had to read it already!
SHORT AFTER
Thanakh switches comp on, and gets to window, displaying files, all reports from labs quarter work he needs to speak of at tomorrow’s meeting. He opens first file, and makes printout, as he reads it briefly on screen.
INT. PROTAGONIST’S APPARTMENT – NIGHT
One of the files appears to be dark, he cannot open it. It belongs to report out of ANAUPSH lab, her name is above.
Thanakh clicks on it, then relaxes back on a chair.
THANAKH
Damaged!
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
Empty night street. Thanakh jumps into taxi to run to Research Institute, where he can retrieve that file.
EXT. BEFORE GATES OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Sideway of RI, where there is security check.
Thanakh jumps out of taxi, running inside.
INT. LOBBY OF RESEARCH INSTITUTE – NIGHT
Thanakh runs inside.
SECURITY GUY
In a hurry?
THANAKH
File doesn’t open.
Goes on his way.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
Dark desolated office.
Thanakh switches comp on, opens file, and attempts to print it, but printer is lacking paper.
INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Thanakh unlocks wall cabinet, searching for printing paper.
Voice at the back.
NIGHT GUARD (O.S.)
What are you doing in here?
THANAKH
And you?
Thanakh turns around to face Night Guard. Night Guard drops gun down.
NIGHT GUARD
Ahh, this is you!
THANAKH
Don’t play on my nerves, don’t stay at my back.
Guard walks away down the corridor.
Thanakh pulls out box with paper, and looks into back of retrieving Night Guard guy. There is some weakness in the way he walks down the dark corridor, illuminated only by blue light out of windows. Shouts to his back.
THANAKH
Hey!
Night Guard doesn’t turn, instead making pacifying gesture with his hand, still holding weapon down. And continues his relaxed night walk.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
File that was damaged, belongs to the lab, leaded by ANAUPSH, her name is printed on top. Thanakh continues on files, as radiophone beeps. It prints on small display ‘I LOVE YOU’. This is message from Kiat.
Thanakh continues to work. And falls asleep right there at the desk.
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Hi Alice!
I went back to read your introductory profile. And so I must say that you deserve many accolades for writing in English – not an easy task when it is not your native language!
Any comments about grammar or idiom aside, in reading your scene (which was really a string of smaller scenes) there is action which moves us along, but as a reader I don’t know to what end. That is, your characters don’t reveal their background, motives, or intent. I am not sure who they are yet or how they are related. It does leave me with a feeling of mystery like you are building toward something happening. So in that sense, you have built in the drama and therefore I do look forward to finding out what happens next. But if you could give me more context about who these people are and why they are doing what they are doing that would be helpful. For instance, is this an espionage movie? If so, when your character feels compelled to go back to the office just to open a file can you explain why it is so critical to be read? Tell me how they are FEELING about the actions.
These are just a few random thoughts that I hope you find useful in some way.
Best regards,
Anita
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Hello Anita,
Thank you for your kind review
I guess, this is drama tending into realistic side, is a ski-fi, with elements of detective and horror
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Lisa’s Final Scene for Feedback Exchange
Hi everyone, I was on vacation for a few days in NYC, so I’m catching up. I know you have already critiqued, but could someone critique my submission? I just need one person please. I will critique yours in exchange if you still want critiques.
What I learned is that the movie must begin with a strong and insightful introduction of the main character(s).
Name of Character: MARY WINTERS
A. What is the Interesting Situation?
In the opening scene, Mary saves a man from drowning after jumping off a bridge. Later, this pays off when we find out the man that she saved that night is Peter, her ex-husband.
B. What is the Insight about this character?
Mary is strong of character and will not give up on anyone.
C. What Action and Description will sell this character?
Mary’s strength, humor, and sarcasm is unusual in a Christmas comedy and fun to play for an actress.
OPENING OF “MARY’S CHRISTMAS”: Introduction of Lead Character
FADE UP
EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT
It’s pouring buckets of rain. A firetruck with its siren going comes barreling up Main Street to the edge of the George Baily bridge. As the firetruck starts to cross, it comes to a halt. In the headlights MARY, a firecracker in a fire suit at 36 and her partner, BERT, a mild-mannered man in his 50’s can see a tall MAN in his 40’s on the bridge.
BERT
Is that who I think it is?
MARY
Oh, for god’s sake! Hook me up to the truck and I’ll go talk to him.
BERT
You sure you don’t want me to do it?!
MARY
You know I have to do this Bert!
MARY and BERT jump out of the truck. BERT ties MARY to the front of the truck. MARY approaches the man up on the railing.
MARY (yelling over the rain)
Hey there! What ’cha doing?
MAN
I can’t go on like this!
MARY
If you jump, you’re going to hurt yourself. What about your children? Do you want to leave them without a father?
MAN
You take care of them…or Bert!
MARY ties herself to the MAN.
MAN
Get off of me!
MARY
Your children need they’re dad. Come on down and let’s talk about it.
MAN
No more talking!
The MAN jumps off the bridge and MARY goes too because they are tied together. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the rope isn’t long enough to hit the water, so they are hanging in the rain above the water and the rocks below.
MARY
Now what are you going to do!
The MAN tries to untie the knot in the rope. Another firetruck arrives on the bank of the river and shines a light on the situation.
MAN
Let me go!
MARY
There is no way I’m letting you drop without me and I’m not going into that cold water! Bert! Bert!
BERT starts backing up the firetruck to try to pull up MARY and the MAN. The rope breaks.
MARY(SCREAMS)
Bert!!
MARY and the MAN fall into the running river with rocks around them. MARY is holding onto the MAN with dear life and trying to swim to the shore.
MARY
I’m going to hurt you when we get out of this!
MAN
Let me go!
MARY
Sam!! Pull us out!
SAM, a butcher by trade, but also a volunteer firefighter and another FIREFIGHTER, wade into the water to throw them a line. MARY and the MAN go under. Then MARY pops up and with all her might she lifts the MAN up.
SAM
Grab the line, Mary!
MARY
He’s fighting me!
MAN
Let me go!!
SAM
Kick him in the nuts!
MARY twists herself and kicks the MAN in his nuts. He stops fighting her long enough for her to grab the line. SAM and the other FIREFIGHTER wade in far enough to grab MARY and the MAN. MARY and the MAN lie in the pouring rain on the bank of the river.
MARY
What the hell are you thinking!!
MARY starts to hit the MAN. The MAN starts to cry.
MARY
Stop crying, will ya!! It’ll be alright.
MARY pulls the MAN toward her. MARY holds the MAN tight as he sobs.
MARY (feeling badly)
Stop crying, I won’t hit you anymore.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
OVER OPENING CREDITS
MARY WINTERS (VOICEOVER)(Sarcastically)
Here lies Seneca Falls, New York, the inspiration for the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life…a sickening sweet taste of times gone by that is watched by almost everyone in the world during that magical time of the year…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY
SHOTS OF MAIN STREET LIT UP AT NIGHT. THE “YOU ARE NOW ENTERING BEDFORD FALLS” SIGN.
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
There’s even a fake sign on the way into town which reads “You are entering Bedford Falls”. For all intents & purposes, Seneca Falls IS Bedford Falls. Just look at it…
Many of the businesses in town cater to the It’s a Wonderful Life theme.
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
THE CLARENCE HOTEL, THE BIJOU THEATER, ZUZU’S CAFÉ, MARTINI’S BAR, THE GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE.
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
Oh no. There it is the George Bailey bridge sitting in the middle of town and haunting us every day with a story of community and redemption that we must try to live up to…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
THE NATIONAL WOMEN’S RIGHTS MUSEUM
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
…Not to mention the National Women’s Rights Museum, the other reason Seneca Falls is even on a map.
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY (CONTINUES)
THE CHURCH AT THE END OF THE STREET
MARY (V.O. CONTINUES)
Well, the church marks the end of downtown, except if you look across the street you will find…wait for it…YES! the It’s a Wonderful Life Museum. Our real raison d’etre…
You may ask, do we ever get tired of living in a town with a theme? Yes, we do! Especially me. You see, my mother organized the annual It’s a Wonderful Life festival every year for the last 10 years and I wanted nothing to do with it.
Now upon her death, the town has voted me as her successor. I tried to get out of it, but no one else wanted the job. Well, except for Violet. I COULDN’T let Violet have it. She’s been after everything “ME” since kindergarten. See I’m an overachiever and Violet has always been jealous of me. So, I have no choice but to suck it up and put on the best dawg gone festival ever!
(MARY makes gagging noises)
FADE OUT
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Hi Lisa
( just saw this and I hope you’ll give feedback on my V2 if you have time)
I love the idea of using the Wonderful Life premise in a modern context and naming that up front.
I do have to day was I was bit confused, is the first scene that introduces Mary?
If so, I don’t really feel as if I get a real feel for her- who is she? what makes her unique?
maybe the ride in the truck before they get to the problem can be longer?If The Man on the bridge is her husband, wouldn’t he recognize Mary from the get-go and how would that affect their action?
I find it hard to accept that the rope would break.. not on a firetruck and as a rescue tool.
I can’t imagine being able to accurately kick someone who was fighting me in deepish water during at in a storm.. is there another way she can subdue him?
I guess for me it feels very rushed and I don’t get to nkow her or him or anyone at all and so don’t care about any of them yet.
Maybe a longer intro. to her in the truck so we can see her quirks, some of her needs? fears? etc a bit of her life’s stuff outside this job and then we can care about this.
Maybe even lead to a moment when we go Oh God! Is that her husband? and now there is something at stake and we can better understand why she lays into him..
(or not! whatever works for you.)
I wonder if there is a way to handle the info in the VO at the ned of this in a more active way- maybe building off what we just saw with the rescue?
I can’t recall your plot and so am in this blind as an audience would be. I want to care more about at least one of these 3 by now. Is there something you can bring in this early that would make one of them pop?
I look forward to what you do next!
cheers
Kate
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Kate Hawkes.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Day 11 Seducing Actors Module – Anita Gomez’s V.2 scene for feedback exchange.
NOTE: This scene introduces DIANNA as a young woman in Act 2, after watching her grow up as a troubled child.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents PETER AND IRENE WOZNIAK are finishing up a whispered conversation between them in the kitchen. They both looked extremely worried.
Dianna, now a High School senior, enters the room. She has only grown more beautiful and self-possessed. She doesn’t greet them but goes straight to the refrigerator for a snack.
IRENE
Sweetie, it’s after eight and the game’s already started. Aren’t you going with your friends?
Dianna looks blank.
PETER
There was a time you couldn’t keep me away from a good football game, even years after I graduated. Go Bulldogs!
His lame attempt at a fist bump falls flat.
Dianna puts on a forced smile.
DIANNA
Oh, you know sports aren’t my thing.
IRENE
Well I couldn’t tell a full-back from a half-back myself but it’s really just about socializing. You know, a good excuse to go out with the girls.
DIANNA
What girls?
Her mom sighs heavily.
IRENE
I guess that’s my point Dianna. Don’t you have anyone you want to hang out with?
Dianna considers her parents for a moment like an anthropologist might look at some bones, with interest but no emotion.
Then she defaults to an overly-bright front, like choosing an outfit or flipping on a switch.
DIANNA
Mom and dad, you’re right. I should be out there enjoying myself. I’ll just take this to go.
Dianna reaches back into the frig and pulls out a few additions to her snack, wraps them in a paper towel, grabs her denim jacket off a nearby hook and leaves out the back door without another look or word for her parents.
INT. PARENT’S GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
The kitchen door leads into the garage. Before getting into the car parked inside Dianna stands in front of her father’s work bench perusing the various chemicals lined up on a shelf revealing a litany of paint thinner, bleach, rat poison, etc.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
It’s the Homecoming Game for “The Bulldogs”. They’re ahead and the crowd is jubilant and rowdy.
Dianna stands alone at the sidelines near the edge of the bleachers.
Everyone else is engrossed in the game, even the HANDLER for the school’s mascot – a big sleepy-looking bulldog who has wandered away from the handler to sit near the bleachers.
Dianna isn’t paying attention to the game. She’s watching the dog.
Dianna pulls something wrapped in paper from her pocket and walks closer to the bulldog who perks up as he scents something… the something in Dianna’s hand.
She unwraps the paper and holds it toward the big dog who licks his chops and follows her under the bleachers.
Dianna holds out the meaty treat which the mascot greedily wolfs down. Then she watches.
Suddenly the dog goes stiff and falls over on its side, going into seizures.
Dianna just stands there coolly observing, as the crowd goes wild in the background over a touchdown.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY
Dianna’s parents, the Wozniaks, are seated in front of PRINCIPAL HARRIS’ desk. There are several others in the room.
PRINCIPAL
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak, this is DEAN OF STUDENTS BROWN, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR JUAREZ and DR. JOHANSON.
(beat)
Do you know why we called this meeting?
Both parents look confused and shake their heads “no”.
PRINCIPAL HARRIS
The school’s mascot Freddy was found unconscious under the bleachers last night.
He waits for a reaction from the two parents who talk over each other.
IRENE
Oh no! Is he okay?
PETER
I’m sorry, but what has this got to do with us?
PRINCIPAL (continued)
Thankfully Freddy will recover. But it seems he ingested something that made him quite ill.
The Principal looks over pointedly to the Counselor.
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR JUAREZ
Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak we believe Dianna may have had something to do with this.
IRENE AND PETER
(in unison)
What!? What do you mean??
COUNSELOR JUAREZ
Dianna was seen near the bleachers where Freddy was found.
Both parents begin sputtering indignant replies but are cut off by the Psychiatrist.
DR. JOHANSON
We can’t prove anything here. We have only a few witnesses who sat across the way and their sketchy observations to base our assumptions on. But we do feel there were enough disturbing comments made about your daughter that we needed to have this difficult conversation.
(beat)
Has Dianna ever had a psychological evaluation?
Mrs. Wozniak looks shaken and indicates no. Her husband looks on the verge of exploding.
DR. JOHANNSON (Continuing in a very clinical manner)
There’s a clinical term we use called ‘Vulnerable Narcissist’ to describe an individual associated with borderline personality disorder, characterized by the fear of abandonment and interpersonal instability. It’s often connected to Alexithymia defining problems with feeling emotions and a complete indifference towards other people. Now I can’t of course make any diagnosis without a proper evaluation –
Peter Wozniak leaps to his feet.
PETER
Are you calling my daughter crazy!?
IRENE
(overwhelmed and distressed)
Please – what are you saying?
Dean Brown gives Dr. Johanson a look and tries a more tactful approach.
DEAN BROWN
School records indicate Dianna is adopted. What can you tell us about her birth parents?
MR. WOZNIAK
Absolutely nothing. She was listed as a Jane Doe and abandoned at a fire station at 3 days old.
DR. JOHANSON
It is unfortunate not to have any background information for an assessment since these personality disorders are often genetic in nature.
(beat)
Surely you’ve noticed some anti-social behaviors along the way?
Now both parents look very uncomfortable – they know in their hearts these things to be true of their daughter.
Mrs. Wozniak begins quietly weeping. Her husband sits to comfort her but remains stoic.
MRS. WOZNIAK
But we have given Dianna everything! Everything she could ever need or want. She’s an excellent student –
(turns to Counselor Juarez)
You know this!
DR. JOHANSON (Continued)
I’m sorry. It’s not always about parenting, good or otherwise. And we don’t look on this situation as any fault of yours.
PRINCIPAL HARRIS
But I do think it would be good to speak with Dianna as soon as you can about entering therapy.
PETER
She just turned 18… and has always been very strong-willed…. I doubt if we could make her –
He trails off miserably.
DR. JOHANSON
I understand we can’t force a psych eval without proof of this troubling instant.
(beat)
It’s unfortunate that a diagnosis wasn’t made earlier in her life, but these cases can be very hard to define. Especially in one so high-functioning as Dianna. Here’s my card should you find a way to convince her to talk to a professional.
DEAN PETERS
As you say, Dianna’s academics are excellent and we know she’s applied for early graduation. And because we don’t have any concrete evidence surrounding this tragic incident, the school is allowing Dianna to finish the remainder of the semester.
PRINCIPAL HARRIS
But do know this Mr. and Mrs. Wozniak, we will be watching Dianna very closely.
(beat)
We wish you luck.
INT. WOZNIAK’S LIVING ROOM – THAT NIGHT
Mr. Wozniak is pacing. Mrs. Wozniak sits tearing at a used tissue in her hands, her eyes red-rimmed from crying.
Dianna saunters down the stairs oblivious to the angst in the house.
PETER
Dianna, sit down please.
She does so without any trace of curiosity.
PETER (Continued)
Dianna, we spent most of the afternoon at your school today.
Still no response from Dianna.
IRENE
(blurts it out)
Oh Dianna! Did you do it? Did you do this terrible thing!?
Dianna’s face remains unreadable.
DIANNA
Do what?
PETER
We heard about the mascot being poisoned Dianna. People say –
DIANNA
What people dad?
She turns to her mother.
DIANNA
The girls you said I should go hang out with for fun?
(sighs)
Look, the people at my school are children. They act like hormonal morons with nothing better to do than fill their heads with gossip or fantasies. I went to their stupid gladiator games – at your suggestion – and found it as boring as I thought I would. So I left and I drove around for a while. And I don’t know anything about any stupid dog.
Both parents look at each other. Irene wants desperately to believe her daughter. Peter is a bit more objective in his assessment.
Then Dianna laughs. It really is a delightful sound, if not out of place.
DIANNA
Oh mom, come on. You know me! In fact, I was going to surprise you both later with some great news – but I guess now’s as a good time as any to tell you –
(beat)
I’ve been accepted into M.I.T.! Isn’t that great!?
Her parents’ looks go from stricken to surprise and then stunned and pleased. They go over to hug Dianna and congratulate her.
IRENE
Oh sweetie! I’m so happy for you! I knew you couldn’t –
Mrs. Wozniak bites off the rest of her comments.
Mr. Wozniak is more reserved, wary of being manipulated, but still congratulates his daughter.
DIANNA
And I’ve decided on my major. You know I’ve always loved science. And I really want to make life easier for others, and so I’m going into genetic research – mostly because well, you know – my own anomaly of being born with just one kidney compels me to uncover others with kidney deficiency, and what I can do to help.
This altruistic self-deprecating speech seems to have done the trick, and we leave the scene with Dianna’s parents happy for her, sweeping aside all their doubts and fears.
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Critique for Kate Hawkes, Intro Nia
from Lisa Long
Hi Kate,
Thanks so much for the feedback on my post. It was helpful to know that I need to add more information at the beginning for my main character. And especially that you didn’t care about them; that’s a big problem for me to work out!
I read your V2 and also looked at June’s critique which I felt was spot on. I thought your descriptions were lyrical and set the picture nicely. I understood where they were and that they are a group of troubadours. I got that the characters were close friends. It was not clear if they are more than friends or if they will become more during the story. I think it is sweet that Shaunn takes care of Nia.
I’m not sure of the significance of the vomiting. Was it to show how Nia can bounce back quickly? First thing that popped into my mind as an audience member was that she was vomiting because she’s pregnant. But then you explained that she gets motion sickness.
I agree with June that adding subtext between them could be exciting. Or some hint of what is to come in the story would fill out the introduction.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
Lisa
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PS81 – Dana’s Add for A-List Actor
What I learned from this assignment:
I am already reconsidering my opening. The Interesting Situation helps set up the movie, but it may not be engaging enough to attract the A-List actor. I may reconsider this scene, opening with my protagonist counseling a patient, but for now I need to more forward. I can always change the opening as long as it remains true to the character and the story.
INTERESTING SITUATION: Ellen is having a bad start to her morning. Late for a station meeting, rushing through commuter traffic on the Bay Bridge into San Francisco, she jumps lanes, trying to gain minutes, apologizing to the other drivers.
She receives a phone call from her husband. His car won’t start. He’s called Uber and will take their two daughters to school. But he needs Ellen to pick them up, asking her to make a sacrifice, putting his own career before hers. Reluctantly, she surrenders.
ACTION: The phone call from her husband establishes the start of kidnapper/killer’s plan.
INSIGHT: Ellen is kind and accommodating, willing to sacrifice for others to avoid conflict.
SCENE:
FADE IN:
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO BAY BRIDGE – AERIAL SHOT – DAY
The morning commute across the bridge. A black SUV spits out from the Treasure Island tunnel. It slides in and out of the lanes without signaling, the driver trying to gain the edge against the other drivers.
INT./EXT. SUV – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
ELLEN LANDRY sits behind the wheel, her seat pulled forward to reach the pedals. It’s almost too much car for her.
She’s a petite woman in her thirties, dressed in a Saks Fifth Avenue skirt suit to project power, a look in direct contrast to her angelic visage. If not for her dark raven hair dusting her shoulders, she’d be fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling fairy dust.
Ellen is frantic, both hands on the wheel, constantly looking to change lanes. Her Starbuck’s coffee in the holder is being jostled. She jumps into another lane. A car HONKS at her long and hard.
ELLEN
Sorry. Sorry.
She glances at her watch. She’s late for something.
Her CELL PHONE RINGS. Ellen presses the phone button on her steering wheel. ROGER LANDRY’S VOICE fills the car through the speakers. She tries to concentrate on he driving.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
Hi, honey. What’s up?
ROGER
My car won’t start.
ELLEN
What? You just got it back from the shop. What’s wrong with it now?
ROGER
Who knows? Starter. Alternator. It won’t start, and I have to get the girls to school.
ELLEN
Okay…
ROGER
I ordered Uber, He’s a minute away.
ELLEN
And…?
Looking, looking… Ellen swings into another lane.
ROGER
What makes you think there’s an And?
ELLEN
I hear it in your voice.
ROGER
That’s what I get for marrying a radio shrink.
ELLEN
A radio shrink who’s late…
ROGER
I need you to pick the girls up after school.
Ellen’s entire body reject the idea.
ELLEN
Roger…
ROGER
Samantha just remembered today is a short day. And Dean Rogers wants to talk with me about my tenure track. I can’t blow him off.
ELLEN
I have my review this afternoon, and I’m already running late for the programming meeting. Today is make or break for my show.
ROGER
Wouldn’t that be a shame?
ELLEN
Excuse me?
ROGER
I’m sorry, babe. That wasn’t fair. I’m just frustrated.
(beat)
You know I respect what you do, but this isn’t just my tenure. It’s our tenure. And if I don’t get it, I’m terminal. Not just at Berkeley, but at all the UC’s.
(beat)
I really need your support here.
Ellen shakes her head. Every fiber of her being wants to say No, but they both knows she’s about to surrender. She signs loud.
ROGER (CONT’D)
I promise, I’ll make it up to you.
ELLEN
You’re bargaining.
ROGER
Dinner at Seven Hills?
ELLEN
(frustrated)
Tell the girls I’ll pick them up.
ROGER
I love you.
ELLEN
Don’t push it.
ROGER
Thanks, babe — There’s Uber. I’ll see you tonight.
The call drops.
Ellen puffs her cheeks and sighs, irritated with herself. She reaches down and grabs her coffee, and when she glances back, her eyes go wide as something in the road ahead. She hits the brakes, and the SUV jolts to a stop. The coffee lid pops, and coffee splatters on her skirt.
ELLEN
Oh, no! No-No-No. Damn it! Damn it!
Someone HONKS at her.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
Sorry. Sorry.
CUT TO:
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PS81 – Dana’s final scene for feedback exchange
<div>I missed the opportunity for feedback, but I am already considering a complete rewrite of this scene before I finish my script. I posted my (temporary) final scene to move forward. If you would like to review my scene, please feel free to do so. I have fallen a little behind and need to catch up.</div><div>
Thanks.
</div>
SCENE:
FADE IN:
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO BAY BRIDGE – AERIAL SHOT – DAY
The morning commute across the bridge. A black SUV spits out from the Treasure Island tunnel. It slides in and out of the lanes without signaling, the driver trying to gain the edge against the other drivers.
INT./EXT. SUV – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
ELLEN LANDRY sits behind the wheel, her seat pulled forward to reach the pedals. It’s almost too much car for her.
She’s a petite woman in her thirties, dressed in a Saks Fifth Avenue skirt suit to project power, a look in direct contrast to her angelic visage. If not for her dark raven hair dusting her shoulders, she’d be fluttering over Disneyland sprinkling fairy dust.
Ellen is frantic, both hands on the wheel, constantly looking to change lanes. Her Starbuck’s coffee in the holder is being jostled. She jumps into another lane. A car HONKS at her long and hard.
ELLEN
Sorry. Sorry.
She glances at her watch. She’s late for something.
Her CELL PHONE RINGS. Ellen presses the phone button on her steering wheel. ROGER LANDRY’S VOICE fills the car through the speakers. She tries to concentrate on he driving.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
Hi, honey. What’s up?
ROGER
My car won’t start.
ELLEN
What? You just got it back from the shop. What’s wrong with it now?
ROGER
Who knows? Starter. Alternator. It won’t start, and I have to get the girls to school.
ELLEN
Okay…
ROGER
I ordered Uber, He’s a minute away.
ELLEN
And…?
Looking, looking… Ellen swings into another lane.
ROGER
What makes you think there’s an And?
ELLEN
I hear it in your voice.
ROGER
That’s what I get for marrying a radio shrink.
ELLEN
A radio shrink who’s late…
ROGER
I need you to pick the girls up after school.
Ellen’s entire body reject the idea.
ELLEN
Roger…
ROGER
Samantha just remembered today is a short day. And Dean Rogers wants to talk with me about my tenure track. I can’t blow him off.
ELLEN
I have my review this afternoon, and I’m already running late for the programming meeting. Today is make or break for my show.
ROGER
Wouldn’t that be a shame?
ELLEN
Excuse me?
ROGER
I’m sorry, babe. That wasn’t fair. I’m just frustrated.
(beat)
You know I respect what you do, but this isn’t just my tenure. It’s our tenure. And if I don’t get it, I’m terminal. Not just at Berkeley, but at all the UC’s.
(beat)
I really need your support here.
Ellen shakes her head. Every fiber of her being wants to say No, but they both knows she’s about to surrender. She signs loud.
ROGER (CONT’D)
I promise, I’ll make it up to you.
ELLEN
You’re bargaining.
ROGER
Dinner at Seven Hills?
ELLEN
(frustrated)
Tell the girls I’ll pick them up.
ROGER
I love you.
ELLEN
Don’t push it.
ROGER
Thanks, babe — There’s Uber. I’ll see you tonight.
The call drops.
Ellen puffs her cheeks and sighs, irritated with herself. She reaches down and grabs her coffee, and when she glances back, her eyes go wide as something in the road ahead. She hits the brakes, and the SUV jolts to a stop. The coffee lid pops, and coffee splatters on her skirt.
ELLEN
Oh, no! No-No-No. Damn it! Damn it!
Someone HONKS at her.
ELLEN (CONT’D)
Sorry. Sorry.
CUT TO:
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Antonio Flores’ Ad for A-List.
CHARACTER: Parisa Nedellec, protagonist. A cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé from the hands of a criminal ring led by The Ruler.
SITUATION: Parisa’s nightmare turns into reality. She is scheduled to fight Ruthless, the underground MMA female champion who had threatened her to death and blatantly killed her bosom friend Sandy. The two are about to meet at the stare-down.
INSIGHT: This is only the first obstacle that Parisa must hurdle to rescue her fiancé.
ACTION: Cheerleaders also know some painful strategies.
========
INT. DESERT — UNDERGROUND MMA SECRET COMPLEX — NIGHT
A storehouse equipped with state-of-the-art media and augmented reality technology. An octagon cage is in the middle of the area. At the far end, a stage platform is ready for the weigh-in and stare-down events.
LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC… STAGE LIGHTS
There’s no audience on site. Drone cameras broadcast the event to subscribers from a concealed location. The voices of two sports anchors host the event.
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
…and this promises to be a great night!
The area floods with autochthonous expressions of martial-related activities, dances, and sports.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
The spirit of the warrior lives in every culture in every era.
Drone cameras fly through Maori Haka, Japanese Sumo, Thai Takraw, Filipino Bamboo Pole dancing, Peking Opera’s Flying Spears, Chinese Lion Dance on Pillars, Taiji Fan and sword.
SILENCE.
All action stops. Performers freeze motion.
A drone camera lands on the…
PLATFORM STAGE
Drone camera points at the far side where the stairs end.
LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC RESUMES
Like a sunrise, PARISA NEDELLEC emerges from the horizon of the stage platform. Her hair bounces free with each step as she climbs up the stairs. Her eyes focused on the camera.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES (O.S.)
Please welcome THE — CHALLENGER — PARISA — NEDELLEC!
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
What? Did we just switch to the beauty pageant?
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
Ha! No. Parisa Nedellec is a cheerleader coach, who just recently turned into a fighter.
Parisa proceeds to the weigh-in.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
We may need to mention that the underground fights don’t have weight rules.
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
Oh, yeah. That’s a good point.
Parisa takes off her sports jacket, t-shirt, shoes, and track pants. Staff assists her.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.) (CONT’D)
So, many people wonder why fighters still have to go through the weigh-in protocol.
An Ancient Greek stylized bathing suit briefly wraps Parisa’s slim body. Her muscles radiate dynamic feminine strength. Parisa steps on the weigh-in balance.
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
Well, I’d say… I have no problem with the protocol.
Parisa steps down. She adopts a cross-step javelin pose. Drone cameras reposition to capture her image.
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
If you ever wondered what an Olympic goddess looks like…
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
Well. I guess the only question left is: can she fight?
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
I guess, we’ll find… Wait! What’s going on?
The lights go out. RUTHLESS enters the scene from the opposite end of the platform. A spotlight follows her.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES (O.S)
Ladies and gentlemen, give it all for your UNDEFEATED —UNDERGROUND MMA — WORLD CHAMPION… RUTHLESS!
Ruthless kicks the weigh-in balance off stage. Snatches a wireless microphone from a staff. She gestures Parisa to approach her.
RUTHLESS
I warned you, but you didn’t listen. I told you to stay away, didn’t I?
Disturbed by the close presence of Ruthless, Parisa takes a deep breath.
MEMORY FLASH
Parisa faces the moment when Ruthless kills her bosom friend Sandy while she watches from outside the octagon.
END OF MEMORY FLASH
RUTHLESS’ POV
Parisa stares back at Ruthless. Focuses on the lessons from her coach.
MASTER WANG (V.O.)
Know yourself. Identify your weak points, then, use your strengths to turn those weak points into strengths. Repeat the process over and over.
BACK TO STARE-DOWN
PARISA’S POV
Ruthless speaks sour words but can’t penetrate Parisa’s mental shield
RUTHLESS
(muffled)
… and crush you – – – so – – – you’ll suffer – – – and f…
BACK TO STARE-DOWN
Ruthless presses the microphone on Parisa’s throat for her to grab it.
RUTHLESS
Hey, hey! Any questions?
PARISA
I’m sorry. I… I got lost when I heard that, I mean, are you serious? Does anybody really think that you’re pretty?
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
OUCH! Ha-ha!
Ruthless scowls. Security staff chaperones her out of stage. Spotlight follows her. Parisa stays in the shade.
MUSIC and performances resume.
On her way out, Ruthless rolls eyes and clenches her fist. She turns around. Grunts.
The brawny fighter blindly pounces into the shade… just to find that Parisa vanished from the spot where she last saw her. Inertia makes Ruthless crash on staff, tools, and fall backstage.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
WOW! WAH! But where’s Parisa?
Parisa emerges from a lower point in the middle of the stage. She gets dressed.
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
There she is! She was collecting her clothes.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
Oh, they might got thrown away when Ruthless kicked the balance off stage.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
OK. Let’s move on to the next face-off.
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
Oh, wait! Wait! It’s not over!
Ruthless resurfaces from backstage. Several men try to stop her. She gets rid of them. Threateningly points at Parisa.
Parisa considers the circumstances.
MEMORY FLASH
Mestre Oliveira’s unforgettable lesson.
MESTRE OLIVEIRA (V.O.)
Become one with the music. The spirit of the warrior will be with you. Let yourself flow…
END OF MEMORY FLASH
PARISA
(epiphany)
The Spirit of the Warrior… flow.
Parisa runs towards the performances. Ruthless chases her.
THE CHASE — MONTAGE
A) At the Thailand Takraw court, Parisa gets a set ball, tornado-kicks it, and scores. Players celebrate. Later, Ruthless bumps, argues with the players. Players do aerial and spectacularly high kicks to bombard her with balls.
B) Parisa smoothly sails through the Filipino Bamboo Pole dancing. Meanwhile in the background, Ruthless beats the bamboo players who squeezed her ankles.
C) Parisa teams up with the warrior girl from the Peking Opera’s Flying Spears. They kick off all the spears. Actors celebrate Parisa’s skill and purposely delay Ruthless.
D) Parisa joins the Chinese Lion head role to cross over the pillars and reach the octagon. Ruthless also climbs on the pillars. She blocks the lion, but Parisa and the dancers make her fall on top of Taiji sword players. The swords get bent.
Parisa reaches the octagon cage, goes underneath the canvas and into the base framework. Ruthless follows. She opens up the canvas where Parisa disappeared just a moment ago.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
You think she can find her?
Foam discharged from a fire extinguisher pushes Ruthless out of the bottom of the cage. Parisa comes out of the canvas holding the extinguisher. Parisa keeps spraying her.
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
Ha-ha! She found her!
Ruthless is blinded and confused. Parisa adopts the javelin pose again. She holds the fire extinguisher on one arm.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
OH! WOW! Parisa Nedellec is stealing the night!
Parisa throws the cylinder on Ruthless head. WHAM! Ruthless collapses.
SPORTS ANCHOR 1 (V.O.)
Oh-my! The fight’s not even started and we already have a KNOCK OUT!
Parisa climbs up on the stage. She does ballet twirls celebrating her victory. Then, single-knee on the ground, smiles, throws kisses, waves at the drone cameras.
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
Tonight is her night! PARISA — NEDELLEC — THE CHEERLEADER!
SPORTS ANCHOR 2 (V.O.)
Whenever I see someone like her, I can’t help to think: is she a newcomer, a new champion, or perhaps… a new legend?
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Antonio Flores.
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Hey Antonio!
Are you looking to exchange feedback?
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I am, Cameron. Thanks for asking!
The problem is that the platform does not allow me to post my assignment. How can I send it to you?
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Huh. You know, I had that same issue before, but I still have no idea what happened. I just shortened the post until it went through. I’d try treating the forum like twitter, and make a thread of smaller, separate posts.
If you want and you find it’s easier, my email address is cameron.ross.martin@gmail.com.
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Sent. Thanks again, Cameron!
Where can I find the latest version of your assignment for feedback?
Oh, I think I found it. Is V3 the newest one?
Antonio
PS. You might be right. My replies to your messages are going through, so most likely, it’s the length of the posting what is causing the problem.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Antonio Flores.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Antonio Flores.
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Thanks Antonio!
Yep! V.3 is the latest version of that particular scene.
What I loved about your scene…
1. The action is over-the-top and I love it. You’ve elevated an already intimidating setting with a full display of entertainment and production value, fit for the ultra wealthy underground. I imagine this would be as much an ad to choreographers and stunt people as much as anybody.<div>
2. I checked on the previous assignments to make sure I was interpreting Parisa’s character correctly. I love the fact that she’s not a valley girl. My first impression of your concept was LEGALLY BLONDE meets BLOODSPORT. But, I like the dichotomy between preppy, pretty cheerleader surface and deep, samurai-esque focus underneath. It’s a fun twist on the “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” message, and engages the audience, making us wonder what Laconic, well-thought-out words will escape the cheerleader’s lips next.
What I have questions about…
1. This scene does feel more like an ad for the sports announcers than Parisa or even Ruthless. I’m not sure if that was the goal, but I had more fun reading the announcers. Granted, I’m curious and am left wanting to see more of Parisa, but I’m not sure if I’d be excited to play her…yet.</div><div>
2. Similarly, Ruthless feels…plastic. I get this is perhaps just her way of performing for the cameras, like how WWE wrestlers make a big show, but are actual human beings behind the scenes. This is just one scene, so I’m not sure yet of how she presents herself when the cameras aren’t on her. That “real” part of herself is what I would most want to see as an actor, especially if it heavily diverges from her onstage persona. That is deeply relatable to any actor. In fact, you could incorporate aspects of RAGING BULL, where the character and the actual person blur lines sometimes, if an actor allows him/herself to relate a little too much with the character they’re portraying.
Thanks and best regards!
Cam
(P.S. Trying something a little different for feedback. If you want something more extensive, please let me know. Also, posting here as well as through email as an attempt at transparency.)
</div>
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WOW! Cameron, I owe you. Not only you wrote valuable feedback, but also gave me moral support when the platform prevented me from posting the assignment.
Now, after reducing the amount of text (your theory was right) and following your feedback, I produced my V3 above and the post went through.
Basically, I simplified the anchors dialogue and included a memory flash that reveals the protagonist flaw. Something that got deleted in the V2 that I sent you, but after reading your comments, I realized how important it was to include it in here.
I am double checking the feedback that I drafted for you and I will post/email it to you this afternoon. Thanks again!
Antonio
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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Day XI. Final Assignments – Assignment
What I learned rewriting this scene is everything can be made better. Utilizing the tools and skills in this section of the course gives the writer a process by which is work can and WILL BE made much better by going through the steps.
DAY TEN – SCENE
CAROLYN
“The big three-O, come Saturday. You are coming over, aren’t you? You can bring Brian, or was it Bobby? I can’t keep up. You know, a number of famous artists were (air quotes) discovered in their early thirties.”
BROOKLYN
“Turns out Brian is married. I hate how men lie. People change, grow old, die. A painting does not change its mind or leave. It does not lie, or need love, or anyone’s approval.”
She reaches for the saltshaker, realigns it with the pepper dispenser. Begins organizing the sugar packets, realizes what she is doing and the fact Carolyn has stopped talking.
Brooklyn waves her hand, the shooing gesture says it all.
BROOKLYN (CONT’D)
“Ignore the rant. It’s why I trust paints and canvas. People, not so much. ”
Carolyn reaches for her ice-tea. The rock on her ring finger explains a lot.
CAROLYN
“We all start out a blank canvas. What we choose to put on it, defines us. Trust me, when you least expect it, love finds a way.”
BROOKLYN
“You sound like Ian from Jurassic Park, ‘Life finds a way.’”
CAROLYN
“He was right and so am I. Now, I’ll have Stan grill salmon filets and I bought a bottle of that French Pinot you love.”
Carolyn discretely checks her watch, does the math in her head. A satisfied look tells us she has plenty of time before whatever she needs to do, needs to be done.
BROOKLYN
“You don’t have to do that. Seriously, I’ll be okay.”
Carolyn reaches across the table, her hand on Brooklyn’s forearm.
CAROLYN
“Don’t ever settle for okay. It’s a big deal and I want to be there for you. I won’t take NO for an answer. Besides, with the upcoming show only a couple of weeks off, you need a distraction from work. All work and no play…”
CAMERA MOVES IN on Carolyn clasping Brooklyn’s hand – a mother’s loving gesture.
CAROLYN (CONT’D)
“I’ll even throw in chocolate cake from Delacrow’s. Whadda’ say?
BROOKLYN (eyes well up)
“You make saying no, impossible. Mother always made a big deal out of…(words fail – beat) Thank-you. I will be there.”
CAROLYN
“After my mother passed, I was a mess. Grieving takes time; holidays are the worst. If you need to come over and spend time, please do. I know my boys would love seeing you.”
BROOKLYN (returns to arranging sugar packets)
“Maybe tomorrow. I’ll bring a pizza and we can watch a Christmas movie or two.”
CAROLYN
“It’s a date. I’ll have Tommy make his famous hot cocoa.”
Brooklyn looks around the room as if remembering something she forgot or misplaced.
CAROLYN (connects dots)
“Okay, how many table and how many patrons?”
BROOKLYN (blurts)
“Fifteen rounds, six booths; seventy-six patrons. Another eight in the waiting area.”
CAROLYN
“In your past life, I believe you were a spy, a Mata Hari.”
BROOKLYN
“Minus the exotic dancer part.”
CAROLYN (bad-girl grin)
“But the courtesan, yes?”
BROOKLYN (winks)
“Of course.”
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