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Day 12 Assignment
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Jean’s Description 1!
What I learned doing this assignment is that I can improve my action lines by following the formula provided. Having the three questions in front of me for each scene helped bring the emotional experience more to the front.
Here are some examples:
INT. SHARRA’S OFFICE – DAY
1. What emotional experience do you want to deliver?
Angry
connection/recognition
2. What images will deliver that emotional experience? Make a list.
Types furiously
The watch catches his eye.
Jaden’s odd reaction.
3. How do you turn that list into description?
Sharra types furiously on her keyboard. A scowl of concentration mars her face. She scrolls down the page, glaring at the screen.
The watch catches his eye. Something about it… He flips it open while they talk.
Sharra notices Jaden staring oddly at the watch. Jaden quickly recovers, shutting the watch.
He leaves. Sharra picks up the watch, opens it. Sees the woman. It looks genuine. She glances back at Jaden’s retreating back.
EXT. WALL STREET OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
1. What emotional experience do you want to deliver?
Awkwardness
Distraction
Puzzlement
2. What images will deliver that emotional experience? Make a list.
Drops her things
Picks up her papers
He abruptly leaves after giving her the business card.
3. How do you turn that list into description?
She sees a hot guy staring pointedly at her. It’s Tanner. She loses her composure and drops the folder. Papers spill out.
Tanner rushes over to help her pick them up and slips her keys into her satchel while she’s distracted, simultaneously noticing the papers are job applications for accounting firms. So unimpressed.
Sharra, puzzled, watches Tanner disappear into the pedestrians. Then looks at the card.
SHARRA’S POV: on the logo. We’ve seen it before – Tanner and Lazarus’s tattoos!
INT. FAOLAN’S LONDON TOWNHOUSE – MAIN FOYER – NIGHT
1. What emotional experience do you want to deliver?
Pain, a loner
2. What images will deliver that emotional experience? Make a list.
Blood, stiffness,
Not hiding it.
Dismissing the butler’s concerns.
3. How do you turn that list into description?
He stiffly removes his top hat, hiding a grimace. Bloodstains the white cuff of his shirt.
The butler takes Faolan’s top hat and cane. Notices the blood. Faolan does nothing to hide it.
HOBBS: Did you have a good evening, sir?
FAOLAN: Yes, thank you, Hobbs.
A lie. Hobbs is used to it.
HOBBS: Is there anything I can do for you?
FAOLAN: Not tonight.
HOBBS: Very good, sir.
Hobbs, worried, watches Faolan stiffly climb the stairs.
FAOLAN: Got to bed, Hobbs.
HOBBS: Yes, sir.
INT. FAOLAN’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
1. What emotional experience do you want to deliver?
Conflicted, Resigned
2. What images will deliver that emotional experience? Make a list.
Closes his eyes, breaths in deeply.
Nods resigned.
Pauses, grim,
3. How do you turn that list into description?
Mrs. Hobbs shuts the door behind her. Faolan wearily closes his eyes – it’s more than the wound – breaths in deeply and lets it out. After a moment, opens his eyes. Nods resigned.
He removes a suitcase from the armoire. Sets it on the bed. Opens it. Pauses. Grim. Whatever is inside cannot be good.
He slowly lifts out something. It’s a black uniform jacket. Totally NOT 1825. Definitely futuristic!
He turns it. The Vault logo is imprinted in silver on the chest and arm.
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Janeen’s Description 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that the action became more urgent when I stopped writing complete sentences and broke it down more. I am also learning to write just the visuals and will try to flag description while writing if I can’t find the way to express what I’m trying to get across in action. That way, I’ll know it’s something I need to fix later, rather than needing to analyze it again.
5 Before and After Examples:
Before: Cara ducks out of the treatment room, gives her RECEPTIONIST a thumbs up indicating the client’s over-the-top response.
After: Cara ducks out as the client gathers up her things. She gives her RECEPTIONIST a mind blown gesture. The receptionist chuckles and gives her a thumbs up.
2. Before: Mike hits the brakes to no avail and starts to panic.
After: Mike hits the brakes. Nothing. Pumps them, panicking.
3. Before: They stare in horror and disbelief as they rush toward the train, Mike vainly stomping the brakes, fumbling for the emergency brake.
After: They stare in horror as they rush toward the train. Mike stomps the brakes, fumbles for the emergency brake.
4. Before: Molly fidgets.
After: Jim glances meaningfully from Mike to Molly. Mike gets his drift. Molly fidgets.
5. Before: TEEN MIKE and TEEN CARA sit at the same table as the class gathers for English 101. They take a few glances when the other isn’t looking and then their eyes meet. There are instant sparks and then both look at peace as though they’ve found their soulmates.
After: Typical college classroom, with students gathering at tables. TEEN MIKE and TEEN CARA sit at the same table for English 101.
During class, each glances at the other with growing interest.
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