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Day 12 Assignments
Reply to post your assignment.
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3 Replies
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Lois’ Description 1
My screenplay has been running short. I found enough places to add more description of what I want to see on screen that it added nearly a page to my screenplay. Yay!
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Lisa Description 1
What I learned doing this assignment is that I still want to change some things, but haven’t thought about how. I think it’s good overall, but reading it again I think I want to change some things.
examples
1. before:
Dr. Berkwood gets a phone call and answers it.
after:
Dr. Berkwood’s phone rings.
INSERT OF DR BERKWOOD’S PHONE. IT SAYS INCOMING CALL- JANE WITH A LEAF emoji NEXT TO HER NAME.
Dr. Berkwood hastily answers it.
2. before:
Jane can’t shake the feeling that someone is watching her. She turns and sees a crow fly past the window, then looks back to Elizabeth who weakly smiles and nods, staring at Jane as if she were some kind of celebrity. So proud.
after:
She turns and is startled by a crow flying past the window. She looks back to Elizabeth, who weakly smiles and nods, staring at Jane so proudly.
3. before:
<font face=”inherit”>Marc Walks into the </font>classroom<font face=”inherit”>. Jane is taken by Marc’s handsomeness, but she maintains her professionalism.</font>
after:
Marc walks into the classroom. Jane stops to notice him. Her jaw drops at the sight of him, but she regains her composure.
4. before:
Marc walks through the door.
after:
Marc walks through the door. Dr Berkwood is doign some paperwork. She notices Marc, and takes off her glasses.
5. before: Marc puts a folder on the table. Dr. Berkwood stares into his eyes as if entranced, but shakes it off. She gives Marc a look.
after:
Marc puts a folder on the table, his eyes not leaving Dr. Berkwood’s. She stares into his eyes a moment as if entranced but shakes it off. She opens the folder and makes a confused face as she reads. She gives Marc an annoyed look.
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DESCRIPTION I made some changes, but seeing my overall pilot is short, I need to go back to the outline and see where I can add to it. Then I have to write new scenes and make sure they all fit together to make one exciting pilot.
so with that in mind. the first thing I did was make sure everything was in the present tense in the description. Makes it so much easier to read.
then I replaced my opening description:- ALSO opening CHARACTER description:-
FIRST ATTEMPT:
Dark dingy space, wind swirls around the dirt floor of a cluttered shed. Offcuts of mettle sprawled across the floor. Hammers, knives, horse shoes adorn the walls.
The Blacksmith, a large dirty man, swings a hammer down on a red hot piece of iron, whack. An old scar cuts through one side of his whiskered cheek.
As he works Harriet Wright (30’s early 40’s) a middle class horse breeder, cautiously approaches, she follows a narrow path to the back of the workshop towards the Blacksmith.
SECOND ATTEMPT:
1830’s England. Dark dingy cobbled laneway, a figure of a woman walks down towards the back yard. The sound of a hammer hitting metal gets louder as she approaches.
It opens to a small court yard, with stables and horses to the left and a Blacksmiths workshop to the right. The woman pats a horse before entering the workshop. Wind swirls around the dirt floor of a cluttered shed. Offcuts of mettle sprawled across the floor. Hammers, knives, horse shoes adorn the walls.
The Blacksmith, a large dirty man swings a hammer down on a red hot piece of iron, whack. An old scar cuts through on side of his whiskered cheek.
As he works Harriet Wright (late 30’s early 40’s) confident and forthright woman in a mans world, a middle class horse breeder, cautiously approaches the back of the workshop towards the Blacksmith.
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