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Day 12 Assignments
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Sharilyn Description 1!
What I learned doing this assignment is…I overwrite, giving too much detail, which makes for “pretty,” but clunky scene descriptions that don’t “show.”
TEASER
description BEFORE:
Walley grabs Kandy close. He hovers in too big boxers and a hanging wife beater. His spindly arms wrap around Kandy as he bends her forward doggy-style.
description AFTER:
Walley grabs Kandy close, fumbling as he bends her forward doggy-style.
ACT ONE
description BEFORE:
The Food Delivery Dude shoves the food in her hand which reaches through the hole. She misses the food bag hand off.
description AFTER:
The Food Delivery Kid shoves a greasy bag food in her hand. She misses the hand off.
ACT TWO
description BEFORE:
Patty maneuvers around the food clutter. She plops her tote down and reaches in a bag. She reaches for Erin’s messy mop of hair.
description AFTER:
Patty maneuvers around Erin’s food clutter. She reaches for Erin’s messy mop of hair to balance herself.
ACT THREE
description BEFORE:
First responders arrive. They park out in front. Sexy POLICE and FIREMEN hop out.
description AFTER:
Sexy OFFICERS and FIREMEN hop out in a rush. It’s all a blur.
ACT FOUR
description BEFORE:
Mi-Ya shows up. She raps on the pane.
description AFTER:
Mi-Ya hangs around. Unsure. Finally she raps on the pane.
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