Day 13 Assignment

[Bob Onufer]

Bob loves separating character dialogue.

What I learned doing this is assignment is a need to get deeper into my characters’ heads to have them sound unique. I also need to do this exercise for the remainder of the lead character’s lines as well as supporting characters.

Lead Character: Jeff Ash (appears beginning in Act 2 as the reincarnated Martin Cole)

Core Character Traits:

a) Persistent leading to obsession

b) Strong self-esteem/ego

c) Normally shy and very private

d) Good sense of humor

Traits c & d were revised from an earlier profile

His mission: To reconnect with is soulmate.

Flaw: Jeff is overly sure of himself even if he may be wrong.

Want: To reconnect with his soulmate.

Need: To release his soulmate so she is free to choose him.

Revised lines – (out of context so they may struggle to make sense)

BEFORE: I overheard you’re getting married. You shouldn’t.

AFTER: Whoever he is, he doesn’t deserve you. You have to admit, I’m probably cuter than he is and definitely more drunk.

BEFORE: You have great eyes.

AFTER: Don’t want to hide those eyes.

BEFORE: With practice, Love.

AFTER: With practice and a lot more beer, Love.

BEFORE: I need to see her again. To talk to her.

AFTER: It’s not about sex. I never felt so attracted to anyone before in my life. It’s like I’m being drawn to her like a magnet.

BEFORE: She’s not supposed to look special to you. She’s meant for me. It’s all the more reason I have to see her.

AFTER: I believe she’s my soulmate, Matt.

BEFORE: Matt, this girl…

AFTER: (No dialogue – Replace with a look)

BEFORE: You remembered.

AFTER: I’m touched.

BEFORE: She’s Amanda. When I saw her walk into a bar, it all came back. I couldn’t immediately see our prior life together but I knew her. I knew she was my soulmate.

AFTER: She’s Amanda. The first time she walked in the bar and I danced for her, I knew she was my soulmate. Then, I found the watch – the one Amanda gave Martin on their tenth anniversary and things began to come back.

[Pamela Rice]

Pam loves separating character dialogue

What I learned: Actually, I don’t love it :0) This was incredibly tedious! But I see the need to do the exercise.

I started with my protagonist, who is in 80% of the scenes. “Separating it out” helped me to see that much of his dialogue was a bit too blunt and reactive.

I’ve only gotten as far as ACT 1, but am continuing the work until complete. I posted 5 Before & After Examples.

– – – – – – – HENRI BERGER, Celebrity Hairstylist
(who goes into police protection, living and working incognito as a dog groomer.)

Core Traits: Vain, Artsy, Witty, Nice Guy — and when he’s in his new world: Deceptive
– – – – – – – –

1. Original

HENRI (To Tiffany & Bradley, while in salon chairs)
Hello, Tiffany. Always a pleasure to see Hollywood’s “It Couple.”

Goal: Something more informative/less generic?</font>

1. Revised

HENRI
(smiles and nods to the salon patrons)
Tiffany. Bradley.
Thanks so much for joining us
at the fundraiser later.
(beat)
I mean, it would be a crime not to include Hollywood’s
best-looking couple in an art gallery, right?
(NICE-GUY. WITTY.)

2. Original

HENRI (to his boss Marc after he mentions an addition to the event Henri planned)
Program changes? I thought we–

Goal: make Henri’s response seem less argumentative.

2. Revised

HENRI
(mouth drops open)
That is a nice surprise. Since
I thought we were maxed out
of costumes and volunteers.
(NICE-GUY)

3. Original

HENRI (To his Papy, re: the case of hair gel he’s giving him)
From the salon. For you and
your friends at the center.

Goal: Something less dull/generic. He wants to impress his grandfather with his gift.

3. Revised

HENRI
Here. From the salon.
(hands him a sample of the “Modeling Glue”)
It’s the go-to product for
supermodels around the globe.
(smiles)
For all the beautiful people here
at the residence.
(NICE-GUY. WITTY.)

4. Original

HENRI (to his friend Jared, while they have a cocktail at a Fundraiser.)
One more, and then I’m off to work the room.
Make some new contacts.

Goal: show a little more personality.

4. Revised

HENRI
One more, and then I’m off to work the room.
Attract some new clients.
(looking down at his bright orange designer shirt)
I mean… Just let them try and ignore me.
(WITTY. VAIN.)

5. Original

HENRI (to himself, when he can’t find his phone in his car)
Oh, no. My phone…

Goal: Less boring. Establish that his phone is missing.
He fears the Killer took it, and can now find him.

5. Revised

Oh, no. My phone!
(looking around his car frantically)
Is my life now in the hands of a… Killer Cowboy?
(cradles face in hands)
And why did I have to take all those selfies?!
(VAIN. FUNNY.)

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by  Pamela Rice.

[Mary Spiers]

Mary loves separating character dialogue!

What I learned is that my dialog for my main character is very “vanilla” sounding. This was a great exercise for me to really hone in on her dialogue. Now to do this for all the scenes and the other characters.

Character Logline: Hannah is a 12-year old girl who is sent back in time among her Quaker Ancestors and finds she must try to foil a plot that could end the American Revolution and endanger her ancestor.

Core Character Traits
– Prankster
– Anxious
– Intuitive
– Doer

This is from the 1^st scene where Hannah goes back in time. (after the inciting incident) She meets her ancestor Lydia. I looked at her dialogue to elevate the fact that she is using 21^st century references (clueless to fact she’s back in time) as well as to add things about her character. I added dialogue from the whole scene. Some are elevated more than others…

B:HANNAH

Yeah, how did they change everything around so fast?

A: HANNAH

Yeah, how did they change everything around so fast? It’s like one of those makeover shows. It’s so crowded. I can hardly breathe.

B:HANNAH

Sorry I…you look like…Were you

here before?

A:HANNAH

Whoa. You’re real. Your face. The mirror must have been a joke. Some kind of screen. Were you here before?

B: HANNAH

Sorry…sorry you look… familiar.

What’s going on? Am I…? Sorry.

It’s been a weird day.

A:HANNAH

Sorry, sorry. I thought you were a ghost. You’re not. Obviously. That would be creepy. But I’m pretty good at remembering faces. It feels like I should know you. Weird.

B:HANNAH

What?

A:HANNAH

Weird sisters? No, I wasn’t trying to say you look like my sister. Oh, is that a group?

B:HANNAH

Oh, no, sorry. I didn’t see that

one….I’m looking for my Uncle Jim.

A:HANNAH

I didn’t see that one. Oh wait. Shakespeare. Right. Olden times. You’re really good at this reenactment stuff. I like your costume too. Mine’s too tight…I’m looking for my Uncle Jim.

B:HANNAH – nothing.

A:HANNAH

These guys are really into their parts. You must have done this a lot. This is the first year they’re letting me do anything. I’m winging it.

B:HANNAH

(to self)

Broken. Of course.

A:HANNAH

(to self)

Broken. Just my luck.

HANNAH

Hmm. Me too. I guess with so many

tourists.

HANNAH

Bring Jumbles? That’s so random. Me too. I guess with so many tourists.

[Johnny Cullen]

Johnny loves separating character dialogue.

It’s quite effective when you hone in on characters’ dialogue how you sometimes see inconsistencies. Even if you liked it you have to rework to be true to the character.

Character Name: Diarmuid Ryan

Role: Protagonist/ Failed Influencer

Core Character Traits

– Deep Sense of Inadequacy

– Determined

– Attention seeking

– Insecure

Character Subtext Logline: Diarmuid is a failed influencer desperate for success.

His mission: desperately trying to win a video game competition to avoid custody of his half-sister.

Want: To be a successful influencer Need: Self love/Unconditional Love – Sense of worth.

<hr>

Beginning – Diarmuid is a failed influencer desperately looking to grow his popularity.

Middle – Diamruid enlists with Maeve in a video game competition to avoid responsibility for her by saving their stepfather from prison. While also looking to garner popularity through twitch streamers.

End – Diarmuid learns to let go of external approval and sacrifices his ego for the sake of his sister.

THERE ARE LOTS OF SUBTLE CHANGES THROUGHOUT THAT ARE TO MANY TO MENTION BUT HERE ARE THREE..

BEFORE: Zenergise want me to be their brand ambassador…maybe.

AFTER:Zenergise want me to be their brand ambassador.

BEFORE: Hey, come on it’s all going to get sorted out but you’re going to have stay with me for awhile.

AFTER: Hey, come on it’s all going to get sorted out but you’re going to have stay with me for a few days.

BEFORE: Stepfather. He’s in a bit of, well pretty serious financial trouble and I was wondering if I could borrow some money off you and then pay you back in instalments?

AFTER: Stepfather. He’s in a bit of, well, let’s just say his divine economic nourishment is in a state of trauma.

[Caroline Fritz]

Caroline loves separating character dialogue!

What I learned: This was helpful like going backward through my scenes.

Character Profile

1. Nick

Role: Male lead

Core Character Traits: Smart, Sensitive

Character Subtext Logline: Insecure, thought he had it all figured out.

Flaw: Prone to anger due to insecurity

Want/Need: Wants to be his own man

Mission/Agenda: To provide for himself (and his girlfriend)

Character Arc (if any): Doesn’t like change but learns to embrace it

World View: What world?

Life Metaphor/Identity: Life is hard, don’t do too much

Secret: Scared of looking dumb

Something they don’t want to admit about themselves: Would like to change but too scared to do it.

What makes this character unique? Not a stereotype despite looking like one.

Before

NICK

I am an administrative assistant. I started immediately.

After
NICK
I am a super secretary.

Nick is owning it.

Before:

NICK

Exhausting.

After

NICK

I am mentally exhausted. That was tougher than any construction job I tell you. And my boss is something else.

Nick is gaining new respect for office work.

Before

NICK

Finance Associates?

After

NICK

I have no idea. Something in finance.

Nick is unsure of the name of the place he works.

Before: NICK

I’ll wear a suit coat and no one can see my ripped up arms.

NICK

I don’t wanna buy new clothes. I’m only gonna be there until I can leave.

Nick is already planning on leaving.

[Rebecca Jordan]

Rebecca loves separating dialogue. Lesson #13

What I learned from doing this assignment is that I was overthinking what I had already written and taking way too much time to move on from this. Found it tedious and frustrating. So I started over. Went back and re-read the assignment. Realized I was cheating and had not really completely separated Rachel’s dialogue. I have only gotten about a 1/4 way through, but it’s going better this time. I hope.

Rachel – lead

Role: Artist, Musician, Daughter, Protagonist, Optimist

Core Character Traits

– Party girl

– Overly Self sufficient

– Curious

– Sarcastic

– Resourceful

– Determined

1 ) Before

RACHEL

I was this close to being done with that fucking tome of chaos. Now I gotta rewrite a bunch of shit…

(choking back tears)

Mother fucker! Illustrating is so much less complicated // than fucking words.

Over her shoulder, as she wheels her gear away.

RACHEL

Sorry. I don’t mean to be so crass. I’m a bit of mess.

After

RACHEL

I was this close to sending that fucking tome of chaos to my editor. Now I gotta rewrite a bunch of shit…

(choking back tears)

PAUL

Forget about the memoir // for now.

RACHEL

Mother fucking coward! I looked up to that guy.

Over her shoulder, as she wheels her gear away.

RACHEL

Sorry, I’m a bit of mess. You sure you want to be around me? With my lovely doo and all.

—————————————————————————

2) Before

Thanks. This sucks… really bad timing. Not that any time would’ve be good.

I guess I thought… by writing the memoir… well A, that I would make me some money!

And B… I think I thought it would absolve me…

I guess.

PAUL

What are you gonna do?

RACHEL

Fuck if I know.

PAUL

And that’s okay. You do what’s best // for you.

RACHEL

What’s best for me? I’m gonna go home. Drink more. And try to figure some fucking shit out.

PAUL

You go girl!

Rachel laughs at Paul. Paul joins her in this laugh at his expense. Truck back down and out of the driveway. Paul waves.

After

Paul leans over the open window of Rachel’s truck. She starts the engine. Leans back to look up at Paul.

PAUL

I’m glad you stopped by.

RACHEL

Me too… Really. I’m just totally distracted.

PAUL

I know.

RACHEL

Not that any time would’ve been a good time… but this is really bad timing.

PAUL

I get it.

RACHEL

I think I thought that writing the memoir… well A, that I’d make me some money.

PAUL

No shit.

RACHEL

But… I don’t know… I thought maybe…

PAUL

You could get away with not having to see your Mom again.

RACHEL

How very astute.

PAUL

Yea well.

RACHEL

Okay. I’m gonna go home. Drink more. And try to figure some fucking shit out.

PAUL

You go girl!

Rachel laughs at Paul. Paul joins at his expense. Truck back down and out of the driveway. Paul waves.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by  Rebecca Jordan.