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Day 13 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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11 Replies
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George Verongos LESSON #13 MAX INTEREST 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I can incorporate a ton of interest techniques and keep them believable AND I can clearly see now how my quality can double, which I was skeptical of at first! 🙂
ESSENCE: ARI makes a life-changing decision.
MAX INTEREST TECHNIQUES: Hook, Something unseen, Mystery, Cliffhanger, Creating a future.
FADE IN:
INT. CHRISTIAN FAMILY BATHROOM – AFTERNOON
ARIANA (ARI) CHRISTIAN (16) believes she is fat, ugly, and unlovable. She’s standing at a bathroom sink looking into the mirror. She’s wearing a Smashing Pumpkins ZERO T-shirt. In her right hand is a well-used Bic disposable razor. She takes a deep breath and holds it as she slashes at her left forearm leaving a few superficial pinkish scrapes. Disappointed, she exhales and drops the razor into the sink. She catches her own eye in the mirror and becomes irritated.
ARI: Fucking loser. Can’t you do anything right? I hate you.
Ari begins tearing the bathroom apart desperately searching for something. She empties the medicine cabinet, clears every shelf, and pulls out everything from under the sink. Tampons, makeup, perfume, hair rollers, hairpins, creams & lotions, etc. In a crescendo, she empties a basket into the sink and everything stops. There in the sink lay an old rusty razor blade. Ari picks it out of the sink and holds it in front of her face inspecting it with awe like a rare gem. Someone pounds on the bathroom door and she freezes.
ARI’S MOTHER (V.O.): Ari honey? Is everything okay in there dear?
ARI (trying not to panic): Ugh… Just a second.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM DOOR – SAMETIME
Ari’s mother, MARGARET CHRISTIAN, is a middle-aged divorced single parent & wine-aholic plagued with low self-esteem and dresses like Donna Reed even though it is 2018. She is talking to the closed bathroom door.
MARGARET: I thought I heard a crash, sweetie. Are you sure you’re okay?
Margaret waited but Ari was silent. She could hear the din of Ari putting the bathroom back in order. She leaned toward the door trying to listen.
MARGARET: Ari honey? Do you need Mommy to help you—
Ari opens the door and slips past her mother to her bedroom without stopping.
ARI (irritated): No, I don’t need any help. Gross.
Margaret gives a shrug and enters the bathroom that shows no signs of being tossed by Ari.
INT. ARI’S BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Ari locks her door and leans against it listening. A few seconds later she hears the toilet lid close, a flush, running water, the bathroom door squeaks open, and Ari hears her mother’s footsteps getting further away. Ari breathes a sigh of relief and sits on her bed. She opens her hand to reveal the razor blade.
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Great scene, George!
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KZ’s MAX INTEREST 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to think up ways to incorporate interest techniques in my scene before writing it.
Essence: Oliver gets drawn into the murder investigation
Interest techniques: Hook, Mystery, Creating a future, Anticipatory dialogue, Cliffhanger, Uncomfortable moment
INT. OLIVER’S NYC APARTMENT – THE NEXT AFTERNOON
Picture a fabulous imaginarium: every inch of this studio apartment is cluttered with rich fabrics, lace, tassels, mannequins in various states of dress and undress, beads, gewgaws, tchotchkes. A man in a suit sits with his back to us on a love seat, but another angle reveals it to be a mannequin. A pile of costumes is heaped on the couch. On the coffee table, a laptop is open. A woman’s voice emanates from the laptop.INDIGO (O.S.)
Oliver? Oliver! You there?The heap of costumes comes alive! A man emerges, disheveled. This is OLIVER. 38, gorgeous, wearing a ridiculously ornate costume, like he’s a character out of Grand Guignol or Punch and Judy. He slithers out of the heap of clothes and moves in close to the laptop. Oliver has a Southern accent.
OLIVER
Indigo! Why are there two of you?
(puts on reading glasses)
Oh! One of them is me.ON THE SCREEN
INDIGO, tattooed and pierced, is more Carnie than Earth mother.
She shuffles a deck of Tarot cards. Oliver rubs his eyes.INDIGO
Rough night?OLIVER
Couldn’t sleep, what with the constant siren song of the Coronavirus. I’ve been dozing on and off all day.INDIGO
Should I call back later?OLIVER
Do not abandon me. I’m quite certain I’m losing my mind.INDIGO
Any particular question today?OLIVER
(shaking his head)
Who am I? If not a costume designer to Broadway’s glitterati, then who?Indigo shuffles the cards and one pops out.
INDIGO
The Fool. Interesting.OLIVER
Thanks so much.INDIGO
He’s the traveler, starting his journey as an innocent.OLIVER
Travel? In a pandemic? Oh, yeah, I’m really hopping on a jumbo jet to gay Paree.INDIGO
It’s more metaphorical–like new beginnings. Might be a perfect card for the birthday boy?On cue, ten more FACES pop onto the screen, a smorgasbord of sexes, races and ages, including ANDRE, a Black actor in his 40s. They sing in harmony. They’re creatives, so no standard Happy Birthday song here.
FACE ONE
Oliver!FACE TWO
Oliver!FACE THREE
Oliver!ALL
Birth-da-ay boy!!!
Oliver, vain, has ripped off his reading glasses.OLIVER
Y’all shouldn’t have.ALL
Happy birthday, Oliver!OLIVER
But I love that you did. I want to give every one of you a big, sloppy kiss.ANDRE
Only if all parties are wearing masks.Andre pops on an elaborate masque, then lifts it so it sits on his head.
IN THE ROOM
We hear the CHIRP of a pathetic doorbell several times, followed by a LOUD BANGING.DETECTIVE UHM (O.S.)
Police!ON THE SCREEN
INDIGO
What’s going on?Oliver looks off-screen, in the direction of the banging.
INDIGO (CONT’D)
Y’all scram.She makes all the participants but herself go away.
OLIVER
Yeah, maybe I should call you back.INDIGO
No, I’d better stay.IN THE ROOM
At the SOUND of KEYS IN THE LOCK, Oliver dives back under the costumes, stays hidden.
OLIVER’S POV through a gap in the clothing. We HEAR the sound of Oliver’s breathing
The door opens, and two people enter.MICHELLE is attractive, in her 40s. She revels in all the accoutrements of femininity – the makeup, nail polish, dresses, bangles.
DETECTIVE UHM is a handsome Columbo.MICHELLE
No need for all the fal-dee-rah. This tenant is never here.The Detective checks his notes.
DETECTIVE UHM
This, uh.. Oliver. When was the last time you saw him?Michelle tilts her head coquettishly, like a mime of thinking.
MICHELLE
Would you like a drink, Detective?She moves to the kitchen, opens the fridge.
OLIVER
(disgruntled, mumbles)
A drink??ON THE SCREEN
INDIGO
(mumbles)
A drink?IN THE ROOM
MICHELLE
It’ll be five o’clock in a couple of hours.The Detective moves to the mannequin. Eyes it suspiciously.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Whattaya think? Rosé? Champagne?The Detective moves to the coffee table, uses his pen to push aside gaudy accessories. An iPhone is buried under the clutter.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
Probably rosé, huh?DETECTIVE UHM
Well, that’s interesting.MICHELLE
(blushing)
I figure we could have champagne later.The Detective picks up the phone, and his trench coat looms closer as he sits — on Oliver.
END POV
IN THE ROOM
The Detective springs up, and Oliver leaps from the pile of clothes. Michelle nearly drops the wine bottle. Oliver tries to be dignified, which is difficult wearing his gaudy costume.OLIVER
What are you people doing in my apartment?MICHELLE
You aren’t supposed to be here.The Detective flashes his credentials.
DETECTIVE UHM
Detective Uhm. When I saw your phone…well, nobody leaves their phone behind. I was afraid maybe you were murdered, too.
(checking his notes)
You’re the tenant.. Oliver?OLIVER
Murdered…too?Michelle has put the wine back in the fridge.
MICHELLE
A young man was killed last night.DETECTIVE UHM
Did you happen to hear anything?OLIVER
Something woke me up… On the street. An ambulance was loading a body. I thought it was Covid.MICHELLE
(a little too excited)
Actually, it was a pretty gruesome murder.OLIVER
(to Michelle)
Excuse me. Who are you?MICHELLE
Michelle? The Superintendent?OLIVER
What happened to Michael?Michelle zaps him with a look.
MICHELLE
He hasn’t been here for a couple of years.OLIVER’S POV – SFX
Michelle’s face is briefly superimposed with the face of Michael, then back again.BACK TO SCENE
OLIVER
Do you know who it was? The person who died?DETECTIVE UHM
No wallet, no keys. Sock feet, except…one shoe. Like maybe he was in the process of dressing or undressing. We figure he either lived in the building, or was intimate with someone who did.MICHELLE
Forensics said, judging by the…
(coy)
…splat…he must have fallen from at least…did you say, the ninth floor, Detective?DETECTIVE UHM
Oliver, where were you at approximately 11:10 pm yesterday evening?OLIVER
Right here, like everybody else. Stay-at-home orders?DETECTIVE UHM
(eyeing his costume)
No party last night?OLIVER
I got dressed up–
(searching for a reason)
–to cheer the healthcare workers.The Detective gives him a blank look.
OLIVER (CONT’D)
Seven p.m.? Every evening? The whole city bangs on pots and pans as a thank-you to the workers at the hospitals?DETECTIVE
How is banging on a pot or a pan a thank-you?MICHELLE
He has a point, dear.DETECTIVE UHM
Do you own a large dog, or do any of your neighbors have a dog?MICHELLE
(miming claws on throat)
There were lacerations.OLIVER
Uh, no. I’m probably the one person in New York City who’s not bonkers for dogs.Oliver’s phone chimes, announcing a FaceTime call. The Detective, surprised to find he’s still holding the phone, accepts the call.
ON THE PHONE
BRUCE, a smooth, sophisticated business man of 65.
BRUCE
Hello. Who are you?DETECTIVE
I’m Detective Uhm, NYPD. And you are–?BRUCE
Interested.Oliver holds out his hand for the phone, the Detective relinquishes it.
OLIVER
Hey, Bruce. Could I call you back?Without waiting for an answer, Oliver clicks off and puts the phone in his huge pocket.
DETECTIVE UHM
Boyfriend?From the laptop, Indigo chimes in.
INDIGO
You don’t have to answer that!The Detective spots Indigo, who has been on Zoom this whole time. Pulls out his notebook.
DETECTIVE UHM
And you would be?Michelle closes the lid of the laptop.
MICHELLE
(to the Detective)
We’re getting off track! I wanted to show you how this apartment shares a balcony with the place next door.She leads the way to the sliding glass door and opens it.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
All the apartments on this side have balconies, but these two are connected.OLIVER
It’s not for rent!MICHELLE
Don’t worry, dear. You’re not part of the murder plot.DETECTIVE UHM
There’s an amazing cast of characters just in this one apartment.Michelle tucks her arm under his.
MICHELLE
(to Detective Uhm)
You’re barking up the wrong tree.OLIVER
(to Michelle, quietly)
So are you.She arches an eyebrow at him.
The Detective disengages from Michelle’s arm and hands Oliver a card and starts towards the door.
DETECTIVE UHM
If you remember anything relevant.OLIVER
Okay, Detective… Uhm?MICHELLE
(to Oliver)
Rhymes with Yum.Michelle follows the Detective out.
MICHELLE (CONT’D)
(to Detective)
Feel free to use my apartment as your base of operations.They leave. Oliver re-opens the laptop.
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I love your characters and the classic sort of noir feel, but with a modern twist. I’d love to read more when this class is finished.
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Judith’s Interest Techniques 2 Scene – Lesson 13
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is thinking interest techniques when I write and using them in my scenes.
EXT. BARN – DAY
A woodsy area. The barn sits in back of a house made mostly of glass on one side overlooking the forest.
EMILY, 30, in running shorts races up to a MAN sitting in the moving van. Sweat pours from her forehead. She wipes her face with a cloth. Hardly containing her excitement, she knocks on the truck’s door.
EMILY
Hi.
The Man waves at her. Gets out of the truck.
MAN
(pleasantly)
Good morning, ma’am.
EMILY
You’re early.
MAN
Aim to please.
EMILY
They’re in there. Be careful. They’re my babies.
MAN
Yes, ma’am.
She hurries toward the house. Bangs through the front door.
EMILY
Eugene, they’re here.
INT. ENTRYWAY – DAY
Emily starts to move through the room but stops in her tracks. Sitting on a credenza is a letter marked “return to sender.” She moves over to it and picks it up. Stares at it.
Eugene, 30’s, stands in the doorway watching her. A sad expression on his face.
EUGENE
Time to let go. Don’t you think?
EMILY
There’s always hope.
EUGENE
Only you would say that after ten years. Be careful what you wish for Emily.
Emily looks pleadingly at Eugene. Bites her lip. She considers Eugene’s words. Moves to the trash. Lifts the letter up, then pulls it toward her chest.
Eugene shakes his head.
EUGENE
Gotta go to work.
He moves over and kisses her on the cheek.
EUGENE
See you tonight.
She watches him exit the door. Goes to the closet and puts the letter in a box filled with other “return to sender” envelopes. Stares at the box for a long time. A HONK from outside pulls her back to reality.
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Ed Lusk – Max Interest 2
How I learned to improve my writing doing this assignment is gaining a whole new perspective on how to approach a scene, keep the essence and yet make it more interesting. Prior to this assignment I would not have written this scene this way. It took little time to come up with a higher level of quality and creativity.
Scene Essence – fact or fable?
Logline – Police interview Ezri and Henry’s parents about his sudden disappearance.
INT. PELZNICKEL KITCHEN – DAY
Ezri, Frank, Carol are interviewed by Sheriff Jim, here to gather the facts surrounding Henry’s disappearance.
SHERIFF JIM
Please understand my being here is a courtesy to Frank. Technically a person is not – missing- until twenty four hours. I’m sure Henry will show up this morning. I mean how far could a ten year go?
EZRI
A person as enterprising as Henry can get quite far. He’s has an eight hour lead, Sheriff. I wouldn’t be surprised he made it as far as Spokane by now.
CAROL
Ezri, please. Now tell us what you saw last night and don’t embellish.
EZRI
Well, I was applying my skin regime when I looked out the window and saw Henry climbing up to the roof. I was immediately worried given what happened today. I was afraid he might hurt himself.
SHERIFF JIM
Why would he? Has he tried to hurt himself in the past?
FRANK
Come on, Jim. You know Henry wouldn’t do that.
SHERIFF JIM
Ezri, has Henry tried to hurt himself before?
EZRI
Well, there was that time surfing at Long Beach when he went under.
Ezri takes a sip of her double latte, she’s one calm kid.
FRANK
That was an accident! Henry would never…
CAROL
Enzri, you are far too young to be making that kind of judgement. It’s very unfair.
SHERIFF JIM
Go on, Ezri…
EZRI
He was feeling quite blue that day. He said his Dad,…Mr. Pelznikel, was so busy with the trying to save the business he doesn’t even know Henry exists therefore why should he.
FRANK
That’s insane!
CAROL
Frank, easy. I don’t think Ezri would make this up. There’s no point to it…
FRANK
…She’s obviously covering for him! She knows where Henry is. Jim, can’t you arrest her, or something?
Frank’s phone rings. They all silently suspect it might be from Henry.
FRANK
It’s the office. I better take this.
SHERIFF JIM
Seriously Frank?
Carol give him the stink eye. Frank thinks it over and doesn’t answer the phone after all.
SHERIFF JIM
Let’s get back to last night. You said you saw Henry climbing up onto the roof. What happened next?
EZRI
It’s a little fuzzy…I didn’t have my glasses on but I could make out the shapes. Henry climbed up on some animal, some beast. Then swoosh!
SHERIFF JIM
Swoosh?
EZRI
Swoosh, he and the animal flew away. Right past my window then up into the sky. It was kind of fantastic really. There was the sound jingle of bells…
FRANK
That’s it? You’re saying Henry flew away? On a reindeer? Tell me where my son is! Stop this nonsense!
CAROL
Ezri, you’ve got too far. This is not a game.
EZRI
I understand. Adults can naturally be suspicious but there is a simple solution.
FRANK
Oh? Please tell us. I have a son that your protecting and a business that’s failing. I’d like to have them both back.
EZRI
Go up to the roof. See for yourself. The footprints should still be there.
Glances around the room vindicate her suggestion.
SHERIFF JIM
Well, guys, let’s go take a look.
With that they follow Jim out of the kitchen.
Scene Essence – fact or fable?
Logline – Sheriff Jim interviews Ezri, Henry’s parents, Frank & Carol, about his mysterious disappearance last night.
INT. PELZNICKEL KITCHEN – DAY
Ezri, Frank, Carol, are interviewed by Sheriff Jim. He’s here to gather the facts surrounding Henry’s disappearance.
SHERIFF JIM
Please understand my being here is a courtesy to Frank. Technically a person is not – missing- until twenty four hours. I’m sure Henry will show up this morning. I mean how far could a ten year go?
EZRI
A person as enterprising as Henry can get quite far. He’s has an eight hour lead, Sheriff. I wouldn’t be surprised he made it as far as Spokane by now.
CAROL
Ezri, please. Now tell us what you saw last night and don’t embellish.
EZRI
Well, I was applying my skin regime when I looked out the window and saw Henry climbing up to the roof. I was immediately worried given what happened today. I was afraid he might hurt himself.
SHERIFF JIM
Why would he? Has he tried to hurt himself in the past?
FRANK
Come on, Jim. You know Henry wouldn’t do that.
SHERIFF JIM
Ezri, has Henry tried to hurt himself before?
EZRI
Well, there was that time surfing at Long Beach when he went under.
Ezri takes a sip of her double latte, she’s one calm kid.
FRANK
That was an accident! Henry would never…
CAROL
Enzri, you are far too young to be making that kind of judgement. It’s very unfair.
SHERIFF JIM
Go on, Ezri…
EZRI
He was feeling quite blue that day. He said his Dad,…Mr. Pelznikel, was so busy with the trying to save the business he doesn’t even know Henry exists therefore why should he.
FRANK
That’s insane!
CAROL
Frank, easy. I don’t think Ezri would make this up. There’s no point to it…
FRANK
…She’s obviously covering for him! She knows where Henry is. Jim, can’t you arrest her, or something?
Frank’s phone rings. They all silently suspect it might be from Henry.
FRANK
It’s the office. I better take this.
SHERIFF JIM
Seriously Frank?
Carol give him the stink eye. Frank thinks it over and doesn’t answer the phone after all.
SHERIFF JIM
Let’s get back to last night. You said you saw Henry climbing up onto the roof. What happened next?
EZRI
It’s a little fuzzy…I didn’t have my glasses on but I could make out the shapes. Henry climbed up on some animal, some beast. Then swoosh!
SHERIFF JIM
Swoosh?
EZRI
Swoosh, he and the animal flew away. Right past my window then up into the sky. It was kind of fantastic really. There was the sound jingle of bells…
FRANK
That’s it? You’re saying Henry flew away? On a reindeer? Tell me where my son is! Stop this nonsense!
CAROL
Ezri, you’ve got too far. This is not a game.
EZRI
I understand. Adults can naturally be suspicious but there is a simple solution.
FRANK
Oh? Please tell us. I have a son that your protecting and a business that’s failing. I’d like to have them both back.
EZRI
Go up to the roof. See for yourself. The footprints should still be there.
Glances around the room vindicate her suggestion.
SHERIFF JIM
Well, guys, let’s go take a look.
With that they follow Jim out of the kitchen.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Edward Lusk.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by
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I don’t know if I am posting this in the right place.
Judith’s QE3 – scene – 1st draft of max interest 2
Logline: Murder isn’t what it use to be.
ESSENCE: TWO KILLERS LEARN TO WORK TOGETHER
EXT. CLEARING IN A WOODSY AREA – DAY
SQUIRE, 40’s, stands with a two shovels, waiting. He whistles a tune as he watches a SUV approach. He doesn’t move, just waits, whistling.
The SUV gets closer. Stops. The person inside doesn’t move.
INT. SUV – DAY
NANCY, 30’s, stares at the whistling man. An angry expression crosses her face then she gets her composure. She takes a gun from the glove compartment. Gets out of the car tucking the weapon in her belt.
EXT. CLEARING IN A WOODSY AREA – DAY
She strolls toward Squire, stops in front of him.
NANCY
Where the fuck is Charlie?
Shrugging his shoulders, Squire smiles at her.
SQUIRE
(friendly)
I’m Squire and you are?
NANCY
Where’s Charlie?
SQUIRE
They sent me. I was expecting that ugly gal, Louise, but wow, they sent me you. What a treat.
Nancy turns and heads toward the SUV. She pulls open the trunk. Squire catches up with her. He looks inside.
NANCY
Are you gonna help me or not?
He grabs the legs of a body wrapped in plastic and helps Nancy pull out the body. It crashes to the ground. They drag the body to the two waiting shovels.
Squire removes his jacket and grabs a shovel. Nancy stands there. He indicates to her to pick up the shovel.
NANCY
I don’t dig. I delivered and now I watch.
Digging in the ground Squire starts his whistling again.
SQUIRE
Have it your way. Both of us digging means I can take you to dinner sooner.
She watches him. A rustle in the trees.
NANCY
What was that?
SQUIRE
Didn’t hear anything.
She moves over to the trees. Squire keeps digging.
INT. WOODS – DAY
Pulling her pistol Nancy cautiously enters. She moves into the dark woods. Ever alert and ready for anything.
She stops when she hears a branch snap. Watches a deer scurry off. A look of relief.
EXT. CLEARING IN A WOODSY AREA – DAY
When Nancy returns, the hole is deep now. Sweat pours from Squire’s brow. He smiles at her.
NANCY
Nothing.
She looks at him. Smiles. Pull out a hanky and moves to wipe his forehead.
NANCY
I’ll buy you dinner.
Squire lifts the body and Nancy helps. They throw it into the hole. As it plops down in the bottom, dust rises and fills the air.
Nancy picks up a shovel and throws the dirt onto the body. Squire smiles.
NANCY
I fill not dig.
They smile at one another. All’s well until a MAN and a WOMAN come screaming from the woods, guns drawn. They fire at Nancy and Squire hitting them in the chest.
The couple crumble to the ground.
Squire looks at the woman and Nancy looks at the man. Confused.
SQUIRE/NANCY
Louise…Charlie…
Charlie and Louise roll Squire and Nancy into the grave. They shovel dirt onto to them. When the hole is filled, they high-five one another.
CHARLIE
What are we gonna tell the boss.
LOUSE
They never showed.
They head toward Nancy’s SUV and drive off. Dust twirling behind the car as they disappear.
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Sandra’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is practicing and becoming more comfortable with including as many interest techniques as I can into each scene. Each time it becomes a little easier. This assignment was actually fun.
LOGLINE: Samantha invites Ben into her house to meet her female macaw, when suddenly the power goes out and Samantha convinces Ben to spend the night.
ESSENCE: Ben is going through a messy divorce and is not ready for a relationship.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES: Prediction, Creating a Future, Uncomfortable Moment, Hook, Dilemma, Anticipatory Dialogue, Mystery
EXT. SAMANTHA’S MANSION – DUSK
SAMANTHA
You want to come in and meet
Lucy … my macaw?
Ben has been helping clear brush, He’s dirty and sweaty.
BEN
(looks at the sky)
I need to get going. Looks
like a storm’s coming.
Besides I’m a mess.
[Uncomfortable Moment]
SAMANTHA
(smiling)
It’ll only take a minute.
They go inside the kitchen.
INT. SAMANTHA’S MANSION – SAME
BEN
I need to wash my hands.
SAMANTHA
(pointing)
Bathroom’s right there.
Ben washes his hands. Sees his dirty face in the mirror. Washes his face. Brushes the leaves off his shirt. Runs his fingers through his hair. Wipes the sink out with a tissue and throws it in the trash. Washes his hands again. Walks back into the kitchen.
SAMANTHA
She’s just in here.
As they stroll into the sun room, Samantha flips the light switch on. Large painting half-done of the macaw sits on an easel. Other paintings of birds are leaned up against the wall.
BEN
She’s beautiful, but seems lonely.
SAMANTHA
She likes you. She doesn’t like Richard.
She turns her back and won’t even look at him.
BEN
(under his breathe)
Good judge of character.
That makes two of us.
(looking at the paintings)
Did you do these?
SAMANTHA
Yes… they’re not finished.
BEN
They are really good.
Do you plan to show or sell them?
SAMANTHA
They’re not that good. It was my first attempt
at birds. I was just playing around.
BEN
(encouraging)
I bet we could sell them in the store.
[Prediction/Creating a Future]
SAMANTHA
You know what they say about those who can
do and those who can’t teach. I don’t show my
work. I’ll stick with teaching.
Sound of the wind, rain, thunder, and crack of lightening. Suddenly the lights go off and it’s dark.
[Uncomfortable Moment/Hook]
BEN
Got a flashlight or candles?
SAMANATHA
(whispers)
In the kitchen. Come, take my hand.
Samantha grabs his hand and they inch their way to the kitchen, bumping into furniture.
[Uncomfortable Moment for Ben/Creating a Future]
BEN
Why are you whispering?
SAMANTHA
Isn’t that what people do when they
walk around the house in the dark?
BEN
Only if they’re burglars, or trying not to
wake up anyone.
SAMANTHA
My roommate is out of town until tomorrow.
I don’t like staying here alone.
BEN
Do you think this place is haunted?
SAMANTHA
Promise me you’ll stay tonight.
BEN
We could go back to town.
More sounds of heavy rain, wind and loud thunder.
SAMANTHA
Not in this storm. We’re safer inside.
(beat)
Here’s the kitchen center island. There’s a candle and
matches in the middle.
BEN
Found them. You’ll have to let go so I can light it.
Ben lights the candle. Samantha SCREAMS.
SAMANTHA
AHHHHHHHHHHH.
Just inside the kitchen door stands BOB (40’s), un-kept, tough looking big guy, drenched, wearing military camouflage, trench coat, boots, and holding a machete in his right hand. At his left side, JAKE, full grown, German shepherd dog, growls. [Uncomfortable Moment/Hook]
BOB
(gruffly)
You move and Jake attacks to kill.
[Anticipatory Dialogue]
BEN
(fearfully)
Okay.
BOB
That your van outside?
BEN
(scared)
Uh huh.
[Dilemma – will Ben lose his van, his life, or both?]
BOB
Mind if we spend the night in it?
BEN
Ah no … it’s unlocked.
SAMANTHA
Want a sandwich? By the way, I’m Samantha and this is Ben.
BOB
Thanks. I’m Bob.
Samantha points to the cooler on the floor. Jake lays down. Samantha slowly and carefully opens the cooler, pulls out a couple sandwiches and a bottle of water, and places them on the counter near Bob.
Bob lifts his arm with the machete and starts walking towards Samantha and Ben. Their eyes widen, frozen they GASP as Bob lays the machete on the island.
BOB
You shouldn’t leave
your tools out in the rain.
Bob grabs the sandwiches and water, puts them in his coat pockets, and walks out the door. Jake follows. We hear the van doors opening and slamming shut. [Mystery – who is Bob and what is he doing there?]
Ben rushes to the door and locks it.
BEN
Any other unlocked doors?
[Anticipatory Dialogue]
SAMANTHA
No. This is the only one I leave unlocked.
BEN
Now what?
SAMANTHA
You hungry? We could build a fire in
the fireplace and roast hot dogs.
[Creates a future/Anticipatory Dialogue]
She grabs a flashlight out of a drawer and Ben slips the machete into the drawer. He follows Samantha as she goes into the den with the fireplace. She hands him the flashlight, crumbles some newspaper and puts it on the logs in the fireplace. She starts to strike a match.
BEN
Wait… we need to make sure the draft is open.
Samantha lights the candles on the mantle. Ben uses the flashlight and sees that the draft is closed. He pushes but it doesn’t want to open. He pushes harder and some soot comes down on him. He coughs and comes out. Wipes his eyes with his shirt. He uses the poker to try and push it. It opens and a small locked metal box falls down on the logs.
BEN
(curious)
What is this?
SAMANTHA
(excited)
Dunno.. maybe one of Uncle Harry’s hidden treasures.
[Mystery]
-
Lesson 13 Assignment
Ed Preston, Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that it’s more possible to insert drama into a scene than I realized.
LOGLINE: Alfred gets advice from an old family friend, himself a veteran of war.
ESSENCE: War is hell but sometimes a necessary hell.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES: Dilemma, Anticipatory dialog,
LOIS
Will you walk us home please, Alfred?
ALFRED
I’d be glad to.
A flatbed truck pulls up, driven by JOHN ANDERSON, 60s, farmer, lifelong family friend, not known for subtlety.
MR. ANDERSON
(loud)
Young Alfred! Alfred Pederson! Can I give ye a lift?
Alfred pauses. This is an old family friend. He now has a DILEMMA. He just promised to walk the sisters home but doesn’t want to offend Mr. Anderson. Lena senses this and lets him off the hook.
LENA
Promise to come see us when you’re home next.
AL
I will.
Al watches the sisters walk off, then steps over to the truck.
AL
Hello Mr. Anderson.
MR. ANDERSON
Hop in, Alfred, I’ll give ye a lift wherever you’re going.
AL
Very kind of you, Mr. Anderson.
Al hoists himself up and steps in.
MR. ANDERSON
Don’t give it a thought, no trouble at all (gives him a solid slap on the knee) Ya look well!
AL
I’m well enough, sir, yes. Could you drop me at the Wallace’s?
Anderson shifts the truck into gear and starts driving.
MR. ANDERSON
Be my pleasure, young Alfred. Seen ye talking with the Murray girls. Awful thing, Murrays losing their only boy like that.
Two more shifts as the truck reaches speed.
MR. ANDERSON
They say he was a hero. Gave him a medal!
AL
A medal. I’ve no doubt he earned it, Mr. Anderson.
MR. ANDERSON
Aye, talk is he took a bayonet.
AL
They say any more than that?
MR. ANDERSON
Said he was cut from here to here (slides his hand across his middle) Took ‘im three or four hours to die.
This is an UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT as Al hears his best friend since childhood died a lingering painful death.
AL
That… that part I hadn’t heard.
Mr. ANDERSON
Aye, it’s what they said.
AL
I meant was any more said of his being a hero? Did he take any Germans with him?
MR. ANDERSON
Oh, I ‘spect he did, but nay, only the usual, that he fought bravely for King and Country. Did us proud.
AL
(mostly to himself)
A true Scotsman…
MR. ANDERSON
Aye, Alfred, he was, that he was!
They drive on in silence for a while.
AL
Horrible thing, war.
MR. ANDERSON
Hell, young Alfred. Hell’s what it is, just as they say.
AL
Seen it yourself then, I take it?
MR. ANDERSON
Seen my share. 92nd Highlanders, Natal,’81 and ’82.
AL
Lose any friends?
MR. ANDERSON
Aye, two. And my brother.
AL
I’m very sorry to hear that.
MR. ANDERSON
Think nothing of it, young Alfred, that was long ago.
They drive on further.
MR. ANDERSON
War has a way a’ making men of boys right quick. You see things you wish you never seen, do things you’d rather not do but you must.
AL
I just finished training and I’ll be off to Belgium in a few days. Trying not to think about all the things that might happen.
MR. ANDERSON
Thinking too much is what makes it hard. Just do what you must and don’t think. Be strong. And if you can’t be strong, at least be cool.
(a beat)
You know why the Romans built Hadrian’s Wall? Course you do. To protect themselves from the most savage warriors in all the ancient world, the Picts! The very Picts from which you and I and every true Scotsman are descended, the only race of people the mighty Roman Empire could na defeat! We don’t smear ourselves with blue paint no more, but make no mistake, the same blood flows through our veins. And man for man no army in the world can stand against us…
Young Alfred, this war will no end ’til the enemy’s beaten. And the way that’s done, lad, is ya fight with all your power. Kill him afore he kills you. Show ‘im no mercy ’cause he’ll show you none! Ya won’t win this war dying for your country – God rest dear Jimmy’s soul – ya make the Hun die for his! Lord Nugent once said “The essence of war is violence, and moderation in war is imbecility.” Never forget that. Not for a second!
Alfred’s expression shows Anderson’s words have an effect. ANTICIPATORY DIALOG follows.
AL
If that’s what I must do, then that’s what I’ll do. What they done to poor Jimmy, God help me, I’ll do to them and worse.
MR. ANDERSON
Good lad, good! But one last thing if I may. Once it’s over and done, leave it all on the battlefield.
A few moments later the truck pulls over.
MR. ANDERSON
There’s the Wallace’s, Alfred. A pleasure chatting with you.
Anderson extends his hand. Alfred takes it.
AL
Likewise, Mr. Anderson. (steps out) Thanks for the ride. You’ve given me a lot to think about and I intend to take it to heart.
MR. ANDERSON
Do your part, young Alfred, and we’ll see the end of this all the sooner. I’ve a good feeling about you, lad. You’ll do well.
Mr. Anderson shifts the truck into gear.
MR. ANDERSON
Godspeed to you. Now go see that bonnie lass a’ yours and tell her you love her!
AL
I will, Mr. Anderson. Goodbye.
As Al watches Anderson’s truck drive away, the door of the house opens. Rose comes out and stops half way, waiting for Al to turn around. When he does, their eyes meet and she senses a change. She closes the distance, wraps her arms around him, head in his chest. He slowly returns the embrace.
-
Paul’s Max Interest 2.
5. What I learned that is improving my writing is “waking up” a scene that I thought I had “put to bed.” I have learnt that a scene can always be improved. Consciously seeking to include these interest techniques has transformed a pedestrian scene into one which has a hook, a mystery, an uncomfortable moment, a cliff-hanger and creates a future.
1. Scene Logline: Hamza and his family get their immigration papers thanks to the drugs they didn’t know they were carrying.
2. Scene essence: Customs and Border Patrol are hand-in-glove with Mexican cartels in drug smuggling and human trafficking.
3. Interest techniques: hook, uncomfortable moment, mystery, creating a future.
4.
INT. MIGRANT PROCESSING OFFICE. SAME.
Joel puts his mug of coffee and files of paper on the desk and casts a quick glance at Hamza and his family.
JOEL
Take a seat. Sientense. What language do you speak?
Hamza and Dilbara sit down at the other side of Noel’s desk, Aynur stands between them. Joel walks over to Officer Phillips, out of ear-shot of the family.
JOEL
(Shouting in a low voice.)
These are not Latinos! What’s going on?!
OFFICER PHILLIPS
I’ve been calling, but there’s just no answer.
JOEL
But they brought the goods?
OFFICER PHILLIPS
Most definitely.
JOEL
Then I guess they’ve earned their passage.
Joel goes back and sits at his desk and takes a clean set of forms out of the drawer.
JOEL
Names?
HAMZA
Hamza Akhur.
JOEL
So, we’re not Mexican?
OFFICER PHILIPS
Just put El Salvador.
AYNUR
Si, El Salvador.
OFFICER PHILIPS
What did I tell you?
JOEL
How do you spell your name?
HAMZA
A-K-H-U-R
JOEL
This your wife?
Dilbara suddenly jumps up and starts shouting at Hamza in an unknown language. Hamza answers her in a firm voice and slowly succeeds in getting her to sit down.
JOEL
Yeah! I see she’s your wife!
HAMZA
Dilbara. D-I-L…
JOEL
OK, I think I can manage that! Daughter’s name?
HAMZA
Aynur.
OFFICER MONTEZ
I thought it was Marisol?
JOEL
What’s that?
OFFICER MONTEZ
Ah, nothin’.
Joel writes the name on his forms.
JOEL
Country of origin?
Hamza remains mute.
Officer Philips sees the SUPERVISOR through the glass door.
OFFICER PHILIPS
(Nodding in the direction of the Supervisor)
Joel!
The Supervisor enters the office and Joel stands to attention. The Supervisor takes one look at Hamza and his family.
SUPERVISOR
What’s this? Afghans.
JOEL
No, sir…
OFFICER PHILIPS
We’re still trying to establish country of origin, sir.
SUPERVISOR
They’d better not be. We’ve filled the quota for Afghans. Ukrainians are okay. Anyway, Joel, get a move on. I need you to give me a ride home.
The Supervisor turns to leave the office.
JOEL
Yes, Sir. It shouldn’t take much longer.
The Supervisor exits.
OFFICER PHILIPS
Just put El Salvador. It will make it easier for everyone.
Joel continues filling in the blanks in the forms.
JOEL
(To the CBP Officers)
No contact?
OFFICER PHILIPS
Zero.
(To his colleague)
Isn’t that right?
OFFICER MONTEZ
Just the three of them. No one else in sight.
JOEL
Any…?
OFFICER MONTEZ
Not an ounce. Clean as a whistle.
OFFICER PHILIPS
Clean as a whistle.
Joel stamps the document.
JOEL
Have them ready for the next bus out of here.
(Looking at his watch)
It’s leaving in forty minutes.
OFFICER PHILIPS
(Taking the stamped document from Joel)
Thank you, Joel. I appreciate your efficiency.
JOEL
You owe me one!
The two exchange glances as the CBP Officers escort the family out of the office.
END
-
Amechi’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is to make sure I include the essence in a scene and challenge my protagonist in some way.
1. Select the scene from your script that needs help and give us a logline for that scene.
Ed is trapped in his panic room as the fans try to break in and get him.
2. Tell us the essence of the scene.
Ed is forced to face up to the fans who he has dismissed as insignificant, but they can hurt him.
3. Tell us at least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.
ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE – HELLO?
HOOK – CHANTING OUTSIDE
CLIFFHANGER – Are they outside waiting for him?
4. Rewrite the scene using as many interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in your post.
ED’S OFFICE
The door bangs open. A HORDE of ANGRY FANS flood into Ed’s office. Ed’s empty chair is spinning, but…
He’s not there. The fans take their anger out on Ed’s possessions, smashing everything in the office. Pub fan focuses on the TEAM EMBLEM hanging on the wall. He touches it.
CLOSE ON ED – In a dark place. Taking slow shallow breaths.
Flinching at the crashes and bangs, a trembling hand resting on the door in front of him.
Suddenly, it goes quiet. Ed holds his breath. WHISPERING VOICES
outside. Ed strains to listen.
He looks down at a DOOR HANDLE in front of him as it turns.
Ed grabs it. Holds it tight.
VOICE
He’s in there…PUB FAN
Can we have a moment of your time, Ed?
Derisory laughter from the others.
Ed holds his breath. The door handle shakes. Someone on the outside trying to get in. Ed holds it shut with all his strength. Fighting to keep the door closed.
ED
(whisper)
Please…(normal voice)
I’m sorry…
The door bucks, a shaft of daylight arcs in. Ed slams the door shut again, almost sobbing as he fights against the fans.
ED
(yells)
I’m sorry!Suddenly, the resistance stops. Ed waits, sweating…
It’s dead quiet. Ed slowly pushes the door open…
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