Day 13 Assignments

[Nadine Weathersby]

Lesson 13 –Nadine Weathersby MAX INTEREST Part Two

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I must write the scenes to include some elements of interest techniques to hold my audience’s attention. In this scene I used dilemma, Anticipatory dialog, Creating a Future set of circumstances and Uncomfortable moments.

Essence: Rev. Jasper Daniels seeks to repair his relationship with Michael.

Logline: When Rev. Daniels goes to the Annual Baptist convention in L.A., he decides to visits his son Michael and is horrified at what he discovers.

INT. JASMINE’S ESTATE – BEDROOM – NIGHT

Michael looks dejected and defeated as he lies in bed with Jasmine staring at the ceiling. Michael wears only his underwear under the silk sheets. Jasmine dons a sexy negligee.

MICHAEL

Oh, my aching feet…This week I’ve been asking myself if this is really what I want to do. I had doors shut in my face, appointments canceled, heard all kinds of excuses…

He rolls his eyes over to Jasmine.

MICHAEL

All I wanted was for someone to listen…

(pause)

Maybe in Atlanta…

Jasmine has a compassionate but firm expression of confidence as she interrupts.

JASMINE

You know, it’s easy to give up like a defeated dog, tucking his tail and scampering away from a fight. But a winner never quits, and a quitter never wins.

She sits up and looks right down at Michael as he sulks, absorbed in self-pity.

JASMINE

You have to be committed to get what you want out of life. I have often wondered whenever I see a bag man or woman, just how close they were to the next step on the rung of the ladder in their climb to success before they gave up…

(pause)

Besides, I’m working on some things for you.

Michael sits up with the sheet around his waist, and looks directly at Jasmine.

MICHAEL

(warmly)

I know that…and I’m grateful, it just seems that there is something else too that I should be doing.

JASMINE

Are you homesick?

MICHAEL

Well, not exactly, but I miss my friends. It feels like a part of me was left back.

Jasmine lies her head back down on the pillow and looks up at the ceiling.

JASMINE

Have you called her?

MICHAEL

No, I can’t…I mean…I ran out on her. I know she hates me now. We were once engaged.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

It was so abrupt the way I did it. (pause) I realize that now. It’s just that I had to get out…to see clearly what I want.

JASMINE

Ah, so, you do want success singing secular music?

MICHAEL

I guess I’m just tired. I need some rest.

Michael lies his head back down on the pillow.

JASMINE

Or maybe some TLC…Me.

Jasmine snuggles close to him. Michael puts his arm around her and they kiss long and hard, until the doorbell rings. Jasmine breaks the kiss.

JASMINE

(to herself) Who could that be?

Jasmine slips out of bed and into a silk robe.

EXT. JASMINE’S ESTATE – HOLLYWOOD – NIGHT

A yellow cab with is parked, waiting while a gentleman waits at the door for an answer. Reverend Jasper Daniel’s stands at the door, smiling and in a good mood. Moments later, Jasmine opens the door.

Reverend Jasper Daniels has an apologetic look as he fumbles for a piece of paper. His big gold cross at the end of a chain twinkles in the light coming from inside.

REV. JASPER

I’m sorry, I must have the wrong address…let’s see here…I’m lookin’ for 2429 Jupiter Drive.

Jasmine nods affirmatively.

REV. JASPER

Oh, ah, is this Michael Daniel’s residence?

Michael opens the door wider. He wears only a short smoker’s type jacket.

MICHAEL

Who is it Jazz?

Reverend Jasper’s eyes fill with contempt.

MICHAEL

Dad!

(excitedly)

Come in. When did you get in LA?

Reverend Jasper shrieks and draws back as a Vampire would who has just been shown a cross. He looks down at Michael’s hairy legs, then to Jasmine with scorn.

REV. JASPER

LORD have mercy boy; do you know what you’re doing?

Michael’s voice grows angry and impatient.

MICHAEL

Father, with all due respect, I’m not a boy, don’t ever call me ‘boy’ again. I am a man and in control of my own life now.

Reverend Jasper Daniels looks hatefully at Jasmine.

REV. JASPER

Oh no you’re not! The devil has control of you. You’re a fornicator and sinner in the eyes of GOD. And this…this…

Michael moves Jasmine aside in a protective manner and steps outside quickly, almost closing the door behind him.

MICHAEL

Did you travel all this way to tell me that? I heard you preach many a Sunday’s, judge not lest ye be judged.

REV. JASPER

You’re a fool, for in Thessalonians 4:3 it says abstain from fornication.

MICHAEL

Can you ever have a conversation without quoting scripture…..Let me tell you something… (he moves closer to him) You’re real handy with spouting memorized scripture to control everybody. Since you want to go there… That same books says in Colossians, 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged’ (very assertively) You’re not going to control me. I’m going to follow the still small voice within me whether you like it or not!

Michael slams the door. Reverend Jasper Daniels huffs and puffs as he runs and jumps into his waiting cab.

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that I must write the scenes to include some elements interest techniques to hold my audience’s attention. In this scene I used dilemma, Anticipatory dialog, Creating a Future set of circumstances and Uncomfortable moments.

In a previous scene, Michael’s mother Mrs. Daniels asked Rev. Jasper Daniel’s to visit Michael to begin the healing of their relationship. Rev. Daniels would not commit. She tries to call and Michael at his cousin’s home where she thinks he lives, to let him know his father would be in L.A., but she gets no answer. Creating a Future set of circumstances.

Rev. Jasper Daniels had decided to mend the relationship with his son, but gets the shock of his life seeing Michael living in “sin.” Uncomfortable moment.

[Sydney Burtner]

CM 13: Syd’s Max Interest Techniques 2

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is realizing the first step is acknowledging you have a problem. While the content of this scene interesting, the delivery is not (or rather was not, before the rewrite).

Previous Scene: Vanhi and Charita watch the strongmen (servants of wealthy nobles) attempt to drive away the lower class merchants on the road to the Golden City. The merchants who were already set up, are not having it and fight them. The Royal Guard, led by General Veer, charges in and breaks it up.

Sc 10

Logline: King Abzar rules a wealthy city state with justice and fairness — but fairness doesn’t work for the entitled upper class, including his wealthy cousin Narendra. He’ll have to manage this while keeping the Portuguese and Mughals separate.

Essence: King Abzar’s ambitious — he wants all of his diverse citizens to share in the wealth, while he befriends everyone and keeps enemies separated. His ambitions blind him to the fact that he makes enemies.

Tell us at least two (more if you can) interest techniques for the rewrite.

Hook — A large, fierce working-class merchant, beseeches the King to make Narendra return his daughter.

Dilemma — Abzar has to choose between working class merchants and his wealthy cousin Narendra. Narendra has kidnapped one of the merchants daughters in order to control the man.

Predictions — Anala predicts that Narendra will become an enemy, his son is currently Abzar’s heir.

Something unseen — A wide-eyed working class merchants agree to move their businesses (Abzar does not know that the man’s daughter is being held captive.)

Mystery — why do the working-class sellers change their mind

Creating a Future — King maneuvers to keep Mughals and Portuguese separated. King publicly denounces Narendra, “If you weren’t family…”

Anticipatory Dialogue —

It doesn’t serve you — reminding Narendra that his son is your heir.

SCENE

InT. King’s Meeting hall – Day

KING ABZAR, 40, mustached, enters, taking the temperature of the room. He sees NARENDRA, 40s, lavishly dressed, who smiles and nods. Further back, serious-faced, working-class MEN huddle. The Seller stands out given his great height.

An expert diplomat, Abzar buries his broken heart with an ambitious political agenda. His confidence in his ability to rule puts him at risk. He notes the tension in the air.

He listens to Narendra who leads the MERCHANT DELEGATION. A cousin to the King, he plays the loyal, if privileged subject. Dressed lavishly, his smile hides his belief that he’s more skilled with power than Abzar.

Above, in a balcony, overlooking the room, Anala, 36, gorgeously dressed, exudes power. As is her custom, she watches with intent to discern true motives.

KiNG ABZAR

Cousin, always good to see you – though I’m scheduled to meet with the Portuguese emissary.

NARENDRA

I’ll take little time. I bring good news. We’ve come to an agreement with the market traders.

King Abzar

(Skeptical)

Wonderful. Cooperation between neighbors is honorable.

The wide-eyed Seller smiles and bows.

Seller

We wish to honor your birthday by making the road to the city open and hospitable.

KING ABZAR

You honor me.

(to Narendra)

A word.

Abzar notices a bruise on the side of the Seller’s face. He walks away from the group with his cousin.

KING ABZAR

I determined not to restrict trade to inside the fort walls.

Narendra

Even so, they agreed. Security would be greatly improved.

KING ABZAR

As would your profit.

NARENDRA

If we control the trade, we would maximize profits and, we make sure to pay taxes.

KING ABZAR

By “we” you mean the richest men in the city?

NaRENDRA

The Trade Delegation. Think of the efficiencies and the resulting tax revenues.

KING ABZAR

A few days ago the big guy was willing to fight all your men to keep his spot.

NarENDRA

We are best equipped to manage business. And, as we prosper, the benefits trickle down.

KING ABZAR

What happened to his face?

NARENDRA

This is what I’m talking about – these people would have started a riot if it weren’t for my men.

The King sighs.

EXT. KING’S MEETING HALL – cONTINUOUS

General Veer accompanied by SOLDIERS walk toward the Meeting Hall. They escort, the Seller’s Daughter, who scuffles quickly with them, eyes darting to and fro.

INT. KING’S MEETING HALL – coNTINUOUS

KING ABZAR

I want the people to prosper from the increased traffic, but I can’t have my guests walking into chaos.

NARENDRA

And their presence discourages ongoing trade. We… You should make this a permanent arrangement.

KING ABZAR

We’ll talk after the celebration.

The King returns to the men, Narendra by his side. The Seller looks back and forth nervously from Abzar to Narendra.

KinG ABZAR

Your agreement is a gift. I am honored…

Seller’s daughter (o.S.)

Poppa!

The girl runs to her father and embraces him. A veiled woman, the SELLER’S WIFE, pushes her way forward from the back and embraces her daughter.

The Seller throws a stern look to Narendra and places a protective arm around his wife/daughter. King Abzar questions General Veer who bows stoically.

KING ABZAR

What’s happening?

GeNERAL VEER

This Seller’s daughter had been inadvertently detained.

KING ABZAR

By whom?

GENERAL VEER

They wear the banner of your royal house.

Abzar flashes anger, glaring briefly at Narendra.

NARENDRA

I’m as surprised as yo…

KING ABZAR

I will speak with you privately in my Council Chamber.

Narendra exits. Anala also exits her perch from above. Abzar walks closer to the working class men.

KING ABZAR

(to the Sellers)

I would consider it a gift if you continue to provide your goods to this great city’s visitors.

The working-class Men bow with genuine smiles. Abzar catches the eyes of the Seller who bows his head to the King.

KING ABZAR

I look forward to you and your families joining my birthday festivities.

InT. KING’S council chamber – DAY

The King and Veer whisper inaudibly as he enters. He marches toward Anala and Narendra, fury in his eyes, Veer by his side – this is a family showdown. They bow slightly.

KING ABZAR

You kidnapped a girl!

NARENDRA

Of course not, how could you think such a thing. They were probably trying to save her.

The King stares at Gen Veer, who responds stoically.

GENERAL VEER

The men kidnapped the girl.

Narendra and Anala glare at Veer.

A soldier approaches Veer and whispers in his ear.

NARENDRA

They got over zealous trying to stop the riot.

ANALA

(to Narendra)

You must instruct your men not to wear our family crest to address street brawls. It reflects badly on his Grace.

The King looks at her incredulous.

GenERAL VEER

They should also stop kidnapping girls.

Anala

You speak out of turn.

NaRENDRA

Remember your place.

KinG ABZAR

What if it were your daughter?

NARENDRA

You compare my child with one of them?

AnALA

The girl is safe now. It was unfortunate, but she’s not of the royal house.

NARENDRA

It pains me that you take the cause of servant-class stranger above your own family.

Abzar gets in Narendra’s face.

KING ABZAR

As their King, they are all my family! Make sure your son understands that.

Narendra hides his insult and anger. He bows and exits.

ANALA

It doesn’t serve you.

KING ABZAR

What?

ANALA

Reminding Narendra that his son is your heir.

Copyright 2021 Sydney Burtner, all rights reserved

[Henry Kana]

Henry Kana QE Scene 2 (Max Interest Techniques-Rev 3)

Logline: Two Archelogist hunt for ancient treasure which cause one to lose his life in the search

Essence: One treasure hunter takes advantage of another.

INT. HOUSTON MUSEUM OF ARCHOLOGY – CONFERENCE ROOM –DAY

Nick and Mary Ann are studying several maps on the conference room table.

Nick: I want you to make copies of all of these maps, especially the ones that show the existing temples, pyramids and grave yards. I don’t want John to get his hands on the originals. The more we keep between ourselves the better chance we stand to pull this off.

John sticks his head in the door way crack.

John: I am in the right place, Mrs. Livingston, I presume? (smiling)

Mary Ann: Yes, John, come in and join us.

Nick: Hi John

John: Hi!

Nick unfold a map of Central America and motions to John to come over. Nick points to Belieze.

Nick: That’s it. That’s where we going. (Pointing to a river on the map).

John: How do you know we will find any thing. I’m interested in finding King Zapata’s Treasure.

Nick: Look, last time I was down there I purchased this old map from a Shaman. (pointing to the old map on parchament)

John: How do you know it’s real. He could have been just making it all up. You know the jungle is a vast place down there.

Nick: Well, he told me the story handed down by his Grandfather and the map looks authentic. It only cost me $500.

John: That’s a well off Shaman. Let’s see, ten treasure hunter per month. Ten grand haul for the month, not bad. Did he have a Satellite Dish?

Nick: Yes, but they all do.

John: Ok, let’s get on with the plans. I will go down first and establish a base camp at our drop off point on the New River, assuming that where we are going.

Nick: Yes. Mary Ann will help you with permits and logistics.

Mary Ann: On it boss.

John and Mary Ann being to study the maps and been to make a list of equipment and supplies.

EXT. A MONTH LATER ON THE BANKS OF THE NEW RIVER – LATE EVENING

A small motorized dugout cruises along the banks of the New River. Suddenly a flury of arrows and spears fly from the jungle along the river bank. The dugout moves away from the bank and the arrows and spears fall harmlessly in the river. One or two arrow are stuck in the side of the boat. Nick stands up in the boat and shouts several commands in Spanish.

Nick: Alto! Mi Amigo! Alto!

Nick sits back down and the dugout continues puttering up the river.

John sits in a chair in front of a camp fire sipping on fresh steaming coffee. He is awaiting the arrival of Nick Jones, a competitor archeologist. A motorize dugout cruises up to a make shift dock. Out hops Nick.

Nick: Morning John, how are things? Making any progress? What’s with the angry natives. I thought this was a safe site.

John: Yes, it is. They are just blowing off steam cause they didn’t feel like they got enough compensation. Progress, you tell me, did you bring it? We will be lost without it.

Nick: Bring what? (Chuckling) I hope my secretary packed it? I told her to.

John: Damn you Nick. We can’t use the Stone and Rods without it.

Nick: I’m sure Mary Ann packed it. She was folding it up when I left the office. I sure it here in my travel bag.

John: Finding King Zapata’s treasure will be useless without that Map. With the winding trails, changes in elevations it will be like looking for a, “needle in a haystack.”

Nick: You have the Stone and Rods? Show me!

John crosses to a metal suitcase, places it on the camp table, and pops it open revealing a diamond shaped stone with two copper rods with eye pieces.

John: There you see, we kept safe till you got hear per our written agreement. Now where is the map?

Nick: Right here.

Nick opens his carry bag and pull out a folded piece of parchment. He unfolds it and places it on the camp table. John studies the map.

John: This doesn’t look like the original map you showed me months ago.

Nick: It is. It’s a copy, you don’t think I would bring an original to a snake and mosquito infested place like this. Besides, we could get jump by natives or bandits. They are already agitated about this.

John: Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve been out here for two month and haven’t seen another soul except the natives I have working for me, and they go home every evening. Are you sure she copied the correct map and not a cheap thing off the street. There are at least a dozen fakes floating around out there.

Nick: I’m sure it is. If it wasn’t I’m not sure you could even identify it as a fake. Why don’t you study it tonight by the camp light and plot us a path to the treasure if you can or is that out of you ability.

John: One more comment like that and I’m going to make you see stars.

Nick: Ha, ha, ha. Better bring your native helpers. Study the map and we will set out in the morning to find the treasure. I’m turning in. I had a hard day’s travel. Good night.

John: Good night. Be sure to shake out your shoes in the morning. Scorpions and Spiders you know.

Nick: I didn’t fall off the wagon yesterday. Good night

Nick enters the camp tent. John sits at the table examining the map. He holds it up to the camp light to make sure it’s not a forgery. He flips the map over several times.

John: At least it not a fake, I hope?(Mumbling)

Ext: Mountain Trail Head – Day

After hiking and climbing through the jungle for about an hour, John and Nick stumble into an opening containing Mayan figures and many unusual looking stones.

John: Quick, look at the map, do any of the figures match.

Nick: Map, what map, you had it last night.

John: Ok, ok, just wanted to get a rise out of you.

Nick: This is your warning. Nextime pow or maybe a Saw Rasp Viper. Careful what you do.

John lays out the map and begins to move the stone and rods over the map. Nothing seems to fit exactly right.

Nick: Let me see those. You’re not holding them right.

Nick holds them over the map like divining rods. They cross, sparks fly and ignite the Maps.

John and Nick frantically slap at the burning map. They get it out but there are several wholes in the map.

John: You idiot.

John punches Nick in the nose.

Nick: Ouch, why did you do that.

John: You deserved it for burning those holes in the Map. Now look what your have done.

John holds up the map. The morning light shines through and lines up on several statues. The ground begins to shake and rumble. A Grave covers opens up a grave pit revealing gold, diamonds, rubies and ancient gold coins. The top of the jewels are covered with slithering snakes. John pulls out a professional snake catcher and begins to put the snakes in a burlap bag. He collects the most poisioness ones first and then on to the harmless one.

John: Good thing there weren’t very many poisioness one.

Nick: Jackpot.

Nick picks up the diamond shape stone and hits John over the head and knock him out cold. Nick empties his back pack and greedly fills it with gold, jewels and coins. He drags John unconconse body into the grave. Nick takes the stone and places it against the eye of the statues. The grave closes over John body. Nick slings his back pack and begins walking back down the trail.

Nick: (Softly Singing) Hiho, hiho, it’s home from work we go.

We can hear the muffled screams of John.

John: Come back here you thief, conniving conman. The authorities will catch you.

Nick: And who in the hell is going to tell them. Not me. Ha, Ha! And your in no position too.

Nick, with his shoulders back and a bounce in his step continues down the trail whistling.

[Tom Wilson]

Tom’s Max Interest 2

What I’ve learned that improves my writing is it’s empowering to inject interest into my story.

Scene Logline – Clare accompanies Kate to gather Earth life forms she’ll need on Mars. Asteroid strikes destroyed the life forms they gathered previously.

Scene Essence – Clare left Kate because she fears when she leaves, her father will abuse her. When the asteroid destroyed everything, she returns to help Kate gather new samples she’ll need on Mars.

Interest Techniques – Creating a Future – Clare goes to the crew’s desert camp to help Kate replace the Earth life forms they gathered which the asteroid destroyed.

Anticipatory Dialogue – Clare foresees if they stay, they will die there.

Dilemma – Storm gusts near hurricane speeds. If they stay, they could be killed. If they attempt to return to camp, there’s a greater chance they’ll be injured or killed.

Cliffhanger – Clare falls into a ravine. Kate leaps in to save her. Will either one return alive?

EXT. MOJAVE DESERT CAMP – DAY

Clare arrives. Goes to Kate’s tent. Kate rushes her back outside.

They embrace. Clare hands her a red lunch pail.

CLARE
To replace your samples for Mars.

They backpack up into the hills.

LATER

They sift through a pile of dirt.

Kate’s excited about life form structures they find.

CLARE

You love this very much.

KATE

I hate it keeps us apart.

They bag their samples and start back to camp.

Darkness arrives early. A distant dust storm grows larger.

LATER

Raw winds tear their clothes. Rocks, twigs sting like arrows.

LATER

Gale force gusts blowtorch them with dust. They dodge tree limbs.

Back-to-back they turn. Seek a landmark to get them back.

Dust completely surrounds them.

Kate screams to be heard. Clare calms her down.

KATE

We’re lost. Must shelter.

Clare presses fingers against her temples.

CLARE

If we stay here, we die here.

Clare removes her belt and hands one end to Kate.

She ties a scarf over her eyes and hikes in a straight line.

Kate shields her eyes and follows, gripping her end of the belt.

LATER

Kate and Clare lean into powerful wind gusts.

They crest a hill. Clare slips, rolls down a steep cliff.

Without
hesitation, Kate plunges over the cliff after her. #

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Tom Wilson.