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Day 13 Assignments
Post your assignment by replying here.
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16 Replies
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Rebecca’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that by using these techniques I can take a good scene and make it even more interesting to improve the whole story.
INT. O’SHEA’S OFFICE- TWO HOURS LATER
LOGLINE: Albert finishes his evaluation boxing match and meets with the promoter in his office to learn if he’ll take on Albert and to negotiate terms if he does.
ESSENCE: Albert needs money, boxing a way to earn it, so he must impress the trainer and promoter.
INTEREST TECHNIQUES:
Creating a future – a boxing career
Anticipatory dialog – The trainer thinks Albert has potential.
Dilemma – Take it, low percentage of purse for hard fighting. Pass, than no money or training. Heightened dilemma: Fighting as a cover for a union organizer.
Hook : Both Albert and Pinky lean Red (Communist).
INT. O’SHEA’S OFFICE- TWO LATER
Albert, showered and dressed in street clothes, feels pumped by his first match in months. He enters the office and notices Max already there. Pinky nods for Albert to sit.
ALBERT
You interested?
PINKY
You ask too many questions. Max thinks you got potential.
Max nods assent.
MAX
So does Tony.
PINKY
So far, Tony’s been our best fighter. With some work and more experience Max feels you can go far in this business.
ALBERT
Thank you, but I don’t have a backer and little money.
PINKY
If you turn out to be as good as Max predicts, we can work something out. You can pay another way.
Albert looks puzzled and leery.
ALBERT
Nothing shady or I go elsewhere.
Pinky waves his hands like in Whoa.
PINKY
Nothing shady. Let’s call it, (he stalls) an unusual proposition. Max and I will work with you for 80% of the winnings, not counting side bets.
ALBERT
And, if I win all my matches against all comers, my percentage goes up after the first six men I fight?
Pinky looks towards Max, up at the ceiling, and lets out a long breath.
PINKY
We’ll negotiate. You’ll be boxing in various coal camps taking on all comers. The choices will be gloved or, hummm, bare fisted.
MAX
The coppers in the coal camps eat up bare fisted and bet heavy on it. We’ll limit it to one per town.
ALBERT
How many opponents, my limit?
PINKY
Usually a few quickies with the novices. One big match, 10 rounds. A second, Max’s decision.
Albert nods it might work.
ALBERT
Anything else?
PINKY
Yep, I promote and collect money. Max looks after you. You box and recover. The driver gets us there and home again.
Albert looks from Pinky to Max.
ALBERT
And?
MAX
Better tell the rest.
PINKY
The driver, one of my commie buddies, will be conducting meetings while you box. Some are short, others longer. You’ll be instructed on how much time he’ll need. Get my drift.
MAX
You’ll be a cover for a union organizer.
Albert’s jaw drops in astonishment.
ALBERT
Wow!
PINKY
You object? Tell me now.
MAX
Don’t worry about the boss, he’s only a little bit red. That’s why we call him Pinky.
They all laugh.
ALBERT
Some call me red like my hair. I’m for the union. Two weeks ago I lost my job at the Powhattan Mine in Ohio. The management didn’t like my views.
Pinky’s smile fills his face. Max looks pleased.
PINKY
Max, I think we found our solution.
ALBERT
When do I start?
PINKY
Be here at six am, sharp. How far away do you live?
ALBERT
About Twelve miles of main road, eight by back roads and farmland.
PINKY
Perfect. You own a headlamp.
ALBERT
(Confused)
Yes, I have one.
PINKY
Good. you’ll need it.
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Don Thompson – Assignment #13 – Max Interest 2
Scene: A BARTENDER speaks with SEBASTIAN, who reveals he must complete a book idea he has or he will die by his own hand. Unknown to Sebastian, the bartender was at one time a hitman.
Essence: Life is fragile and you need to live your passion now.
Interest Techniques: Prediction, mystery
What I learned that is improving my writing is that layering in interest techniques helps to hold your reader’s interest *in the moment* in that scene.
INT. ‘AESOP’S TABLES’ BAR – NIGHT
SEBASTIAN sits in a bar, drinking. The BARTENDER notices his forlorn look and tries to strike up a conversation. It is early afternoon and there are not very many patrons.
BARTENDER: You still selling life insurance?
SEBASTIAN: You need any?
BARTENDER: Not really. I mean, not that I know of.
Beat.
SEBASTIAN: I think I’m going to write a book.
BARTENDER: Yeah? What about?
SEBASTIAN: About J.D. Salinger. I want to figure out why he wrote ‘The Catcher in the Rye’. If I don’t figure it out and write a book about it, I will die at my own hand.
Beat.
BARTENDER: Sounds serious. I predict that you will do it.
SEBASTIAN: You predict that I will die or that I will complete the book?
BARTENDER: Both. You will complete the book and death is inevitable. How you die, well, that is another conversation.
Beat.
SEBASTIAN: I never thought about it that way.
Beat.
BARTENDER: That’s why I get paid the big bucks.
Beat.
BARTENDER: Or used to.
SEBASTIAN: What did you use to do?
BARTENDER: It’s a secret. If I revealed it no one would come here anymore.
SEBASTIAN: Wow, that’s quite a secret.
BARTENDER: It’s sort of a ‘whodunnit?’
SEBASTIAN: You mean you killed somebody. Ah, you were a hitman!
The Bartender grabs a cigarette and lights it.
BARTENDER: I never said that. I love people. That’s why I’m a bartender. I would never kill anyone, at any time, for any reason.
SEBASTIAN: That’s cool.
BARTENDER: I only did it to the deserving, — or the willing – so that’s not murder.
SEBASTIAN: But you said you never killed anyone.
BARTENDER: I didn’t.
SEBASTIAN: I’m confused.
BARTENDER: That’s good. It’s a sign of intelligence. People that pretend to know things with absolute certainty are either crazy or boring.
Beat.
BARTENDER: Killing people taught me one thing, that’s for sure.
SEBASTIAN (SLAPS his thigh): I knew it! You were a hitman!
Pause, the Bartender wipes the counter.
BARTENDER: Killing people taught me that people, in general, want to live and that they don’t do it very well.
Sebastian eyes him over.
BARTENDER: Would you like another drink, or would you like me to refer you to a shrink? I know a good one.
SEBASTIAN: I’ll take the drink. But only after you tell me who you killed and how you killed them.
BARTENDER: I told you I wouldn’t hurt a fly. That said, a very clean thrust to the heart with a six-inch stiletto blade is a good method. Or so they tell me.
SEBASTIAN: Who told you?
BARTENDER: My mentors.
Beat.
SEBASTIAN: I definitely need another drink. Scotch.
The bartender retrieves the drink. Sebastian downs it quickly.
BARTENDER: The bottom line from this conversation is don’t ever consider suicide. It’s not cost-effective. Hire a hitman. A professional. To clarify, if you were to die at the hands of someone else, and had a big life insurance policy – which I’m sure you do as you are an insurance salesman – well, if you die with life insurance at least your beneficiary could cash out. That’s the way to go. None of this suicide stuff. If you’re gonna die, do it properly and in a profitable manner.
SEBASTIAN: Did your mentors tell you that, too?
BARTENDER: No, my mother told me that. She also told me to live life fully and not ponder an early death. So, she was contradictory in her outlook.
SEBASTIAN: Sort of like you.
BARTENDER: God is all things good and evil, sayeth the wise man.
SEBASTIAN: I suppose you are the wise man?
BARTENDER: Of course. Would you like another drink?
SEBASTIAN: Sure.
BARTENDER: (brings the drink) Would you like to hire me?
SEBASTIAN: I think I’d rather write the book.
The Bartender nods.
END OF SCENE
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Sandra Hildreth Challenging Situations
“What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is improving my chances of the script being looked at and sold to a TV production company, including creating habits what will improve my writing for good..”
Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: The lady who started a fire at the boutique is released from the hospital.
B. Essence: One of the partners must reveal why she was at the boutique in the middle of the night.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges.
1. One of the other partners doesn’t buy the explanation and delves further into the reason.
2. Her husband is out of town – again
3. Her children are becoming suspicious about their father.
4. She took her gun with her.
5. If she didn’t finish the orders, who would?
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. The partner reveals that even though her husband is in a place he goes a lot, she has started worrying. She also took a gun to the boutique with her, showing she might be becoming a bit unstable.
Scene 2:
A. Current Scene Logline: Participating in the Polar Bear Plunge is broached
B. Essence: Four old ladies talk about the cons of going into the ocean in February
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges. They’re old, the water’s cold, they are lazy, one refuses to go but they are a “team” that always does things together.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. Create more dialogue with funnier, yet poignant lines about the Polar Bear Plunge
INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY EXAM ROOM – NIGHT
Lily, under a thin sheet and blanket, lays on an exam table with an oxygen tube in her nostrils. Her eyes are closed. Nobody else is in the room. The privacy curtains are pulled shut.
Rose, two coats in her arms, yanks on the curtains to pull them open, then yanks them closed again.
Lily is startled, pulls off the oxygen tube, sits up, and stares wide-eyed at Rose.
ROSE
Why in the hell were you at the shop? And put that tube back in.
Lily obediently puts the oxygen tube in her nostrils and lays her head back down on the pillow.
Rose smooths out Lily’s sheet and blanket as well as she can and takes hold of Lily’s hand.
LILY
(Sleepily)
Oh, Rose, I couldn’t sleep and I needed to finish up those orders.
ROSE
Why so late? Couldn’t you fill those out during normal hours?
LILY
Yes, but you know me. Once I fixate on something, I just have to get it done, regardless.
ROSE
Ah. I do understand, but I’m still mad at you!
LILY
Oh, Rose!
ROSE
Don’t “Oh, Rose,” me. I’m still mad. You should never be in the shop alone, at night. It’s dangerous.
The conversation is interrupted by the entrance of an EMERGENCY ROOM DOCTOR.
LILY
(under her breath)
Saved.
Lily sits up and swings her legs off the table.
The doctor reaches over and removes the oxygen tube.
DOCTOR
Good news, Ms. Odom. The tests show no damage to your lungs. You are free to go home.
LILY
I told you so!
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Julie Wochholz’s Maximum Interest Part 2 (Assignment #13)
What I learned: By keeping these maximum interest techniques in mind and working with them to build a scene, I can create a much more engaging and compelling scene that is not boring. The techniques also can set up what is to come and keep the story moving forward.
Scene Logline: After revealing her theory of what has happened to the three friends, Olivia (dressed as a boy “Ollie”) engages the popular girls as her new alter-ego.
Essence: The friends figure out what has happened to them and start to learn the rules that apply in this upside down world.
Interest Techniques: Hook, Something Unseen, Mystery, Creating a Future, Anticipatory Dialogue, Uncomfortable Moment.
INT. 80’S HIGH – CAFETERIA – DAY
Maya and Evan eat lunch alone at a table in the corner.
MAYA
I’m going through withdrawal. My thumbs keep doing this
(feigns texting)
What do these kids do all day?
Maya watches two girls — they are just talking! Nearby, a boy draws on a sketch pad.
At another table a girl braids her friend’s hair.
Olivia (dressed as Ollie), holding a plate full of tots, joins Maya and Evan.
OLIVIA
You guys figure it out yet?
Olivia pops a tot. She looks from Maya to Evan, their faces blank.
OLIVIA
And you guys think you’re the smart ones.
She pops another tot.
MAYA
Time travel. Don’t ask me how.
OLIVIA
Wrongo!
She pops a tot.
EVAN
I was thinking some kind of mass hysteria,
along the lines of the Salem witch trials, or
Jonestown. A shared psychotic break.
OLIVIA
Wrongo!
She pops another tot.
OLIVIA
Are you guys ready?
She looks from Evan to Maya.
OLIVIA
We – are – inside – of – the – movie!
Olivia’s pleased with herself, leans back, nods.
OLIVIA
I’m right, right?
Before Maya can respond, Kimberly, Jennifer and McKenna appear, standing over her and looking down with disgust.
Evan grabs a red tray and hides his face behind it.
JENNIFER
What’s his damage?
KIMBERLY
(to Maya)
You’re the Spaz who ruined the pep rally.
MAYA
T.M.S.I.D.K.
JENNIFER
(to Kimberly)
She’s so lame.
MCKENNA
A total retard. Makes me want to ralph.
KIMBERLY
If I, like, even see you near this cafeteria again,
like, I will make your life Hellacious.
MAYA
Eat me.
Kimberly slowly picks up Maya’s plate of food, glares at Maya. Maya shoots back a “don’t you dare” look. Kimberly dumps the food over Maya’s head.
Maya flies off her bench, arm cocked, fist ready to land a blow.
Olivia grabs Maya’s waist and pulls her back down, onto Olivia’s lap. She squeezes tighter as Maya squirms to get away.
OLIVIA
You can’t just keep going through life punching
people you don’t like.
Kimberly flips her hair, then shoots a flirty smile at Olivia before turning around and walking off.
MAYA
One day you won’t be around to stop me from
pulverizing that smug little Heather into oblivion.
Maya moves to her own seat and picks food out of her hair.
Evan catches McKenna wink at Olivia, before rushing off after Kimberly and Jennifer.
EVAN
Did you see that?
(to Olivia)
Those girls totally were hitting on you.
MAYA
Totally?
EVAN
O-M-G. It’s like a virus or — oh, fudgsickle, like, like, like —
His hands shoot up to his mouth to gag him from saying more.
OLIVIA
They were hitting on me, weren’t they?
Hand still over his mouth, Evan just nods his agreement.
OLIVIA
Excuse me, guys, I’m gonna go work this.
Maya and Evan watch as Olivia struts over to –
THE POPULAR TABLE
Kimberly, Jennifer and McKenna eat lunch with Davio, and TWO JOCKS.
Olivia hovers, staring at Kimberly, who finally looks up.
Olivia shoots her a smoky-sexy look.
OLIVIA
I’ve got the looks, the clothes and the swag. But I don’t have you.
Kimberly rolls her eyes at her friends, then fakes a smile.
KIMBERLY
As if.
OLIVIA
Oh, sweet Kimberly, I’m not sweating the getting
part, I’m sweating the part after.
KIMBERLY
Why’s that?
OLIVIA
Because a fascinating and vibrant woman like you
deserves everything the universe has to offer. And I just got
(she pulls out her pockets)
a couple of empty pockets.
Olivia smoulders. Kimberly melts.
Kimberly shoves Jennifer hard to make a place on the bench for Olivia to sit.
ALONE AT THEIR CORNER TABLE
MAYA
That is not the Olivia I know.
Maya watches as Olivia scooches closer to Kimberly.
EVAN
Well, she’s – I mean, he’s popular now.
Maya spins around to face Evan.
MAYA
I get it! O.M.G! We’re inside of a 1980’s high
school movie, that’s what she said, right?
EVAN
You mean we’re Jumanji-fied?
Evan takes the plate of tots and pops them into his mouth.
MAYA
We have to play the game. To escape. To get home.
EVAN
Theoretically. Only it’s not a game, it’s a movie. If she’s right.
MAYA
And what’s the goal in every high school movie from the 1980’s?
EVAN
(mouth full of tots)
Popularity.
The two look over at Olivia, cracking jokes as she slyly slips her arm over Kimberly’s shoulder.
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Title: Monica Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is the more interest techniques you use the better the scenes/script will be as long as you honour the essence.
1. LOGLINE: Mark comes face to face with AI Echo who is glitching.
2. ESSENCE: Mark has to stop AI Echo and find the Real Echo.
3. Interest Techniques to use: Predictions, Anticipatory Dialogue, Creating a Future, Dilemma
SCENE:
INT. MARK’S OFFICE – DAY
Mark returns to his office to get something. He’s looking at his phone.
TEXT MESSAGE FROM BRODY
“Mark. Emer sent a message from inside AI Echo’s world. AI Echo’s kidnapping people. She’s gone crazy. Need to be careful she hates you and you’re somehow going to pay.” (Prediction)
BACK TO SCENE
Mark walks around his desk, looks up and finds AI Echo in a corner. She is sitting in a chair twirling around.
MARK
Echo?! Which one are you? What’s going on? How are you doing all this?
AI ECHO
(robotic-like)
I’m an Echo but not THE Echo. But her anger at you is very real. I have absorbed it. Now it is my rage.
MARK
Look I’ve done the best I could. You girls have wanted for nothing and I think you’re very ungrateful for what mom and I have tried to do for you.
AI ECHO
(yells)
Do for me?!
MARK
So you’re the real Echo now? I’m confused. Which one of you are in charge of this fiasco?
AI ECHO
Fiasco?! I’m both Echoes. I think and speak for both of us.
MARK
Where is my daughter? This has gone far enough. I think it’s time I disengaged you.
AI ECHO
Disengage me? Do you know what will happen if you disengage me? (Anticipatory Dialogue)
MARK
You’re not a real being. Where’s my daughter? Because I will disengage you.
AI ECHO
Then you’re daughter dies. (Creates a dilemma for Mark)
AI Echo screams. Gets up and starts to throw things at Mark. He dives under his desk as objects hit the wall. AI Echo is speaking gibberish until silence.
Mark crawls out from under his desk. Peeks over the edge. The office is a disaster. Chairs are broken. The window has a large crack in it. Papers everywhere. The filing cabinet is overturned.
AI Echo stands in the corner breathing like a rabid dog. Mark stares at her.
AI ECHO
You don’t love Echo.
MARK
I love my daughter very much. But you’re not her.
AI ECHO
No. I’m not.
(panting)
You have 72 hours to prove you’ve changed or else. (Creating a future)
AI Echo disappears.
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Doug Ryan-Assignment #13-Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that improving my writing is that using these techniques I can go back and rewrite a scene that I thought was ok, and make it great/amazing.
Logline: Red shows up to a job where she has to take everyone out, she connects to and saves a panther.
Essence: Red is a hired killer that is good at her job but it’s not a job it’s payment for debts owed to a mobster.
I was able to add most of the techniques in my rewrite. It wasn’t just moving words, I changed the entire essence of the scene by giving backstory and intrigue where there was none before.
FADE IN:
EXT. PARKING LOT – NIGHT
A Red Ford F250 blasting heavy metal music drives through and parks in a spot close to a loading dock. The drivers face is blocked by reflections of light. The engine shuts off.
The door opens, a woman’s torso exit wearing a double gun belt with matching guns in the holsters. She reaches into the cab and pulls out an old military style trench coat.
The coat has many patches, some of famous metal bands. As RED, 30s, dons the coat her long red hair is flipped and draped over the back. She ties it back
A phone buzzes. Red pulls it out, the screen has a picture of a blond woman and a little girl with long red hair. Red reads the message.
RED’S PHONE
“ALL OF THEM”
She sighs and kisses the picture before tossing the phone into the cab.
RED
(Irish accent) Guess it’ll be a late night loves.
She reaches in and pulls out a black metal briefcase from the floor and closes the door.
We hear a man screaming, as a train passes by.
INT. WAREHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Red, swinging the brief case, marked “TOOLS” in stencil, heads towards the screaming. There is an open door behind her and a cage in front of her.
She sees a sad panther in the cage and stops and kneels. They make eye contact. The panther allows her to pet it.
RED
Poor creature. You should be free.
Red stands and looks to where the screaming is coming from.
RED
(To the panther) Gotta pay my debt.
STAN is chained to a chair, bloodied and beaten, he is sobbing. MANNY and DOM, his torturers, stand a few feet away to the side laughing. Dom holds his phone taking video.
Red whistles loudly. All three men look in her direction. She whistles “head shoulders knees and toes.”
MANNY
This is some bullshit a’int it, Dom?
DOM
We didn’t call for you Red.
RED
Well I don’t want to be here either. But Big T said to get here.
MANNY
We got this you fucking Mick. We don’t need a cleaner.
RED
Oh yeah, goomba.(Sarcastically) You are definitely handling this situation. Dom are ya fecking serious? Taking photos.
DOM
Umm.. no video.
Red rolls her eyes and grits her teeth.
RED
Video!? That’s feckin worse. Give me the phone, now!
Manny and Dom look at one-another and shake their heads. Dom locks the phone. Red sets the case down
DOM
You wasn’t in it. So. No. My phone and I’ll do..
Red unlocks the panthers cage. Manny and Dom shift nervously. Red is stone cold locked in staring at their faces.
RED
Delete the fecking video and put the phone unlocked on the ground.
Dom looks at Manny who nods for him to do as she says. Dom opens the phone and deletes the video.
MANNY
Look he’ll tell us where he keeps his stash.
Red opens the cage. All three men are terror stricken as the panther roars.
Dom kicks the phone over to Red. Red closes the cage, the panther stays inside.
RED
Thank you.
Red pulls one of her guns and fires three well placed shot into Dom’s chest. He’s dead before he hits the ground. Manny looks at Dom’s dead bloodied body and freezes.
She quickly fires once more. Manny grabs his throat and falls to the ground. She looks at the panther, and opens the cage. She picks up her case and walks over to Manny.
STAN
Oh my god. Oh my god. Jesus forgive me.
Red opens the “tools,” all in neat order. Her fingers move across them, two vice grips, a hammer, a pipe wrench, pair of pliers, a garrote, a bone saw and a knife roll.
RED
No Stan my son. No god here.
The panther roars and exits the cage. Stan sobs.
RED
And redemption is a parlor game they tell you to play at mass. Us lapse catholics know all about that.
Red stops at the knife roll and looks at Stan with a smile. She taps the roll three times and winks at Stan. Stan looks on in abject terror and mumbles.
The panther roars again, Red turns to look at it. They make eye contact.
RED
Go now. You’re free.
The panther acknowledges and bolts out the open back door.
STAN
Our lord god hear me…
Manny puts his hands around his own throat and tries to talk but just gurgles blood. Red pulls out a serrated blade.
RED
God’s not listening. To any of us. If she was she’d of stopped me a long, long, time ago. Way before I ever entered the military.
Red takes the blade to Stans abdomen.
STAN
Please, I’ll tell you where the stash is. Just let me go. I’ll disappear, Big T will never know.
Red scowls and puts a finger to her lips as the knife point goes in.
RED
Shhh. Big T knows, and we all owe Big T. So no getting out of this shite.
Stan screams, as Red puts the knife halfway into his side.
STAN
WHY?
RED
Because you’re a lowlife pedophile pimp, that sells children to other pedos. You are deserving of a longer more painful death. But I wanna go home to my family and even though I’ve got a talent for it, torture is a holy show. It sucks.
Red pulls out a gun from her holster. Stan, crying, looks Red in the eyes and nods.
STAN
They said it was in their car. That’s all I know.
Stan sobs as Red puts the gun to his head.
STAN
(mumbles) God please for…
Red pulls the trigger, blood spurts out and Stan slumps dead.
RED
(to Stan) No. No redemption for you.
Manny moves and moans, Red turns towards Manny and holsters her gun. She picks up the bone saw and kneels next to him as he chokes on his own blood.
RED
Sorry Manny, but I’m not done yet. Lets make this quick. Ugh.
She puts the saw on his neck and hums “head, shoulders, knees and toes.”
-
Carolyn’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is…recognizing how and where to use the interest techniques in a pointed way really improves the quality of the scene.
Logline: Elba gets a phone call from her estranged niece telling her Elba’s sister is gone.
Essence: Elba is not close to her family, but deep down still loves them.
Interest techniques used:
9. Uncomfortable moment
8. A startling conclusion with a major hook
7. Anticipatory dialogue
6. Creating a future
5. Mystery
INT. ART CLASSROOM – DAY
Young children stand at easels painting. All their paintings are of outer space – planets, stars, sun, moon, except one.
Elba is looking at ART STUDENT’s easel. It’s a big, black blob of paint in the middle of a white canvas. In the top right corner is a green sun.
ART STUDENT
It’s the Greenland sun shining on that space rock that crashed in the snow a million years ago.
Elba smiles.
ELBA
The one that broke away only to get stuck?
(under her breath)
I know how that feels.
A SMART STUDENT next to ART STUDENT chimes in.
SMART STUDENT
Ahnighito wasn’t buried in the snow for a million years.
ART STUDENT
Who?
SMART STUDENT
That’s the name of the meteorite you’re painting, dumb ass. It was buried for a hundred centuries.
ART STUDENT
How long is that, smart ass? Like a million years!
STUDENT
10,000 years.
Elba turns around and faces the smart student.
ELBA
That’s right. And that space rock is four and a half billion years old. How many centuries is that?
SMART STUDENT
I don’t know. You can google it.
Elba’s phone rings. She walks away and looks at it. It says Unknown.
ELBA
Hello?
MISTY (O.S.)
Aunt Elba?
Elba looks taken off guard.
ELBA
Who?
MISTY (O.S.)
Is this Elba Elm?
ELBA
Yes.
MISTY (O.S.)
It’s Misty!
Elba’s face drops. She rushes to a corner of the room.
ELBA
My niece?
MISTY (O.S.)
Yes!
ELBA
What’s the matter? I mean, what a surprise.
MISTY (O.S.)
Aunt Elba, Mom is gone!
ELBA
Oh my God. What do you mean?
Behind Elba’s back the kid’s voices get louder, they run around the classroom, supplies soar through the air.
MISTY (O.S.)
She’s gone! As in not here! Please, I need you to come home.
ELBA
She’s dead?
The children make an awful din.
MISTY (O.S.)
I should have seen it coming!
ELBA
I can’t hear you! Was it an accident? A disease?
MISTY (O.S.)
What? I don’t know what to do. Aunt Elba, you’re my only family and I really need you to fly home as soon as possible –
ELBA
I can’t hear, wait – I’m in –
Elba turns around and faces the class.
ELBA (CONT.)
Knock off the spitballs, put down the scissors and shut the fuck up!
The children freeze and stare at her with utter shock on their faces.
ELBA (CONT.)
(to herself)
Shit.
BOY WITH PAINT IN HIS HAIR
You said a very bad word.
ELBA
I know. I’m sorry. My sister died.
Elba starts to cry. The children rush over and give her a group hug. Misty’s voice can be heard yelling through the phone.
MISTY (O.S.)
She’s not dead!
ART STUDENT
The lady says she’s not dead, Miss.
ELBA
She’s not?
(into the phone)
She’s not?
MISTY (O.S.)
I don’t know. She could be.
ELBA
You don’t know? How could you not know, Misty?
Misty cries loudly into the phone.
MISTY (O.S.)
Two weeks ago she drove to Mexico with Howie Sharp, the #1 car salesman at Shades Ford. I haven’t heard from her since.
ELBA
Jesus. I dated him once in high school. He wore white leather shoes even back then.
MISTY (O.S.)
They’re on the run, Aunt Elba. From the cops!
SMART STUDENT
That doesn’t sound good.
MISTY (O.S.)
And I don’t have any food!
ART STUDENT
She doesn’t have any food? Are you a kid?
SMART STUDENT
Miss, this child is alone with no food. You have to help her.
MISTY (O.S.)
I’m 25! Who is that? Aunt Elba, do you have children?
Elba looks at the mostly concerned faces of the students. A few on the fringes are losing focus.
ELBA
Let me call you back.
-
Janeen’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is that by labeling the interest techniques I’ve already used, I can see where there are holes and more techniques needed.
Scene Selected: 1st scene after midpoint
Logline: The family reviews their abysmal first dress rehearsal with the dog act and make a plan to improve it.
Essence: 10 yo Noah’s input on the CCC progress is ignored by Abby, but Greg picks up on it and Noah demonstrates his dog training skills for the first time.
I noted the interest techniques already in the scene in notes and added the following:
I added Uncertainty/Fear when Abby realizes how awful the first dress rehearsal went and how it may affect the ailing Betty.
I added a Dilemma for Whitney (mom) where she will have to choose between work and the play.Here is the revised scene:
INT. FAMILY HOUSE – EVENING
The family is gathered around the giant whiteboard and the family schedule.
ABBY
That was awful! Betty’s Commands binder didn’t say how she intended to get the dogs to go to the right place on stage.WHITNEY
To be fair, she hadn’t done any of this yet so she probably didn’t realize how hard it would be.NOTE: 1st Interest Technique list — Uncertainty/Fear added here for Abby.
ABBY
We’re going to fail and Betty’s going to die!Abby gets a panicked look that Whitney can’t see.
NOTE: Uncomfortable Moment for Abby and Whitney as Abby critiques Whitney’s writing.
ABBY (CONT’D)
The dialog isn’t really funny. Sorry, Whitney.WHITNEY
I know. I didn’t do any better than you or Betty did on it.Whitney looks embarrassed and checks her phone when a new text message comes in.
NOTE: 1st Interest Techniques – Surprise — Noah has not spoken up before on the script.
NOAH
I have some ideas about how to make it funny.Abby ignores Noah. Greg looks up from the set drawings he was poring over, notices that Abby is ignoring Noah’s input, frowns, and adds.
GREG
Me too.
NOTE: New Interest Technique — Dilemma for Whitney. The exchange below between Abby and Whitney causes Whitney to ponder choosing between work and the CCC.
ABBY
Okay. Then let’s do the play together.WHITNEY
I’m not sure I’ll have time for that.ABBY
You have to make time. We promised Betty.Abby consults the script again.
ABBY (CONT’D)
We’re going to need a fourth dog because there are four characters. Can Teddy play the woodsman?Abby asks Greg, but Noah answers.
NOAH
I think so. I’ve worked with him a little.Greg is poring over the tree drawing again with rapt attention.
GREG
I see where I went wrong with the set pieces. The tree is top heavy and nothing fastens the dog bed to the frame.NOTE: Anticipatory Dialogue from Noah next. We see Teddy not fitting on the bed later in the script.
NOAH
If Teddy-the-Woodsman, tries to get on the bed to chop up the wolf, he won’t even fit.Greg doesn’t seem to hear Noah.
Abby looks at Whitney when she speaks, but Whitney is deep into her phone message.
NOTE: Predictions: Abby is right, below. It sounds stupid with them yelling commands to the dogs and voicing lines of the play as well.
ABBY
The play won’t be funny if I’m yelling commands to the dogs and doing Red’s voice at the same time. It’ll sound stupid.NOTE: 1st Interest List – Reveal — Noah reveals the work he’s been doing with Teddy to the family for the first time.
NOAH
Use hand signals like this.Noah puts Teddy through his paces with Come, Sit, Down and Up signals. Everyone notices as Teddy obeys each command and they applaud in awe when he’s done. A proud Noah hugs Teddy. Abby is surprised that Noah has done something useful.
ABBY
How did you teach him that?NOTE: 1st Interest List – Character Changes Radically — we see Noah assert himself and own his accomplishments for the first time here.
Noah shrugs, sits a little taller and pretends nonchalance.
NOTE: Creating a Future — Noah does indeed teach the other dogs (and the humans) his hand signals in future scenes and we begin to see here that using hand signals may just make this work.
NOAH
I can teach the other dogs too. -
JOSEPH’S MAX INTEREST 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how to keep
the reader’s interest in the scene and it’s characters, so
that they want to know more about them and what will happen
in their future.
ESSENCE: In need of caring and genuine affection, and naive
of the dating world, Emily’s first intimate encounter is at
the hands of rogue, Edward.
Interest Techniques used for the re-write:
HOOK- something has happened between these two that she is
not happy about.
DILEMMA- if she tells, the fallout may be worse for her in
this elite world around them.
PREDICTION- Edward will not have a long life
SOMETHING UNSEEN- the rough sex act.
MYSTERY- how did she wind up in this situation with this guy.
CREATING A FUTURE- Is Teen Emily to become a champion?
ANTICIPATORY DIALOGUE- what’s going to happen to Edward
UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT- jabs about Edwards hygiene and sexual
performance.
ORIGINAL SCENE
INT. EXERCISE ROOM – DAY – FLASHBACK
Older Teen Emily confronts a callous, sculpted Edward, mirror
watching his free-weight curls in a Spanish Revival Mansion
pool house’s private gym.
TEEN EMILY
Why?
EDWARD
Why? Watching you sweat down here
for months. That’s why.
TEEN EMILY
Could have been gentle. Special.
EDWARD
That’s for high school boys.
TEEN EMILY
What if I get pregnant?
EDWARD
Then he, or she, could have a dozen
or so half-siblings out there.
TEEN EMILY
Maybe Mother was right this one
time. You are a wild boar.
END FLASHBACK SCENE
RE-WRITE SCENE
INT. EXERCISE ROOM – DAY – FLASHBACK
Older Teen Emily confronts a callous, sculpted Edward, mirror
watching his free-weight curls in a Spanish Revival pool
house gym.
EDWARD
Tracking my pheromones, girl?
TEEN EMILY
So, that’s the sweat stink I had on
me last night.
Edward pauses for the hit, but not too long.
TEEN EMILY (CONT’D)
Why?
EDWARD
Why? Watching you drip down here
for months. That’s why.
TEEN EMILY
You said I could be a champion one
day if I worked hard.
EDWARD
You’re closer than you think.
2.
TEEN EMILY
Could have been gentle. Special.
EDWARD
That’s for high school boys. You
ever had a date, you’d know.
TEEN EMILY
What if I get pregnant?
EDWARD
Then he, or she, could have a dozen
or so half-siblings out there. Or just take care of it.
TEEN EMILY
You know I can’t do that.
EDWARD
Oh right, The Calling.
Emily heads for the door.
TEEN EMILY
Not even worried you might lose
your job, are you?
EDWARD
I’m part of the family now. So to
speak. Think of the scandal. And
who might really be to blame.
Emily scans a visitor corps through a window, gathering
outside.
EDWARD (CONT’D)
No, I believe my position’s firm.
TEEN EMILY
Better be more firm than you were
last night.
Edward’s eyes dart at the flippant one-up.
EDWARD
Shit, what do you know?
TEEN EMILY
That Mother’s probably right this
one time: You’re not the type who
lives long enough to really make a
difference in life.
END FLASHBACK SCENE
3.
-
What I have learned from this is utilizing Maximum Interest Techniques will make your script vibrant, exciting and keep the audiences attention.
Henry Kana QE Scene 2 (Max Interest Techniques-Rev 3)
Logline: Two Archelogist hunt for ancient treasure which cause one to lose his life in the search
Essence: One treasure hunter takes advantage of another.
INT. HOUSTON MUSEUM OF ARCHOLOGY – CONFERENCE ROOM –DAY
Nick and Mary Ann are studying several maps on the conference room table.
Nick: I want you to make copies of all of these maps, especially the ones that show the existing temples, pyramids and grave yards. I don’t want John to get his hands on the originals. The more we keep between ourselves the better chance we stand to pull this off.
John sticks his head in the door way crack.
John: I am in the right place, Mrs. Livingston, I presume? (smiling)
Mary Ann: Yes, John, come in and join us.
Nick: Hi John
John: Hi!
Nick unfold a map of Central America and motions to John to come over. Nick points to Belieze.
Nick: That’s it. That’s where we going. (Pointing to a river on the map).
John: How do you know we will find any thing. I’m interested in finding King Zapata’s Treasure.
Nick: Look, last time I was down there I purchased this old map from a Shaman. (pointing to the old map on parchament)
John: How do you know it’s real. He could have been just making it all up. You know the jungle is a vast place down there.
Nick: Well, he told me the story handed down by his Grandfather and the map looks authentic. It only cost me $500.
John: That’s a well off Shaman. Let’s see, ten treasure hunter per month. Ten grand haul for the month, not bad. Did he have a Satellite Dish?
Nick: Yes, but they all do.
John: Ok, let’s get on with the plans. I will go down first and establish a base camp at our drop off point on the New River, assuming that where we are going.
Nick: Yes. Mary Ann will help you with permits and logistics.
Mary Ann: On it boss.
John and Mary Ann being to study the maps and been to make a list of equipment and supplies.
EXT. A MONTH LATER ON THE BANKS OF THE NEW RIVER – LATE EVENING
A small motorized dugout cruises along the banks of the New River. Suddenly a flury of arrows and spears fly from the jungle along the river bank. The dugout moves away from the bank and the arrows and spears fall harmlessly in the river. One or two arrow are stuck in the side of the boat. Nick stands up in the boat and shouts several commands in Spanish.
Nick: Alto! Mi Amigo! Alto!
Nick sits back down and the dugout continues puttering up the river.
John sits in a chair in front of a camp fire sipping on fresh steaming coffee. He is awaiting the arrival of Nick Jones, a competitor archeologist. A motorize dugout cruises up to a make shift dock. Out hops Nick.
Nick: Morning John, how are things? Making any progress? What’s with the angry natives. I thought this was a safe site.
John: Yes, it is. They are just blowing off steam cause they didn’t feel like they got enough compensation. Progress, you tell me, did you bring it? We will be lost without it.
Nick: Bring what? (Chuckling) I hope my secretary packed it? I told her to.
John: Damn you Nick. We can’t use the Stone and Rods without it.
Nick: I’m sure Mary Ann packed it. She was folding it up when I left the office. I sure it here in my travel bag.
John: Finding King Zapata’s treasure will be useless without that Map. With the winding trails, changes in elevations it will be like looking for a, “needle in a haystack.”
Nick: You have the Stone and Rods? Show me!
John crosses to a metal suitcase, places it on the camp table, and pops it open revealing a diamond shaped stone with two copper rods with eye pieces.
John: There you see, we kept safe till you got hear per our written agreement. Now where is the map?
Nick: Right here.
Nick opens his carry bag and pull out a folded piece of parchment. He unfolds it and places it on the camp table. John studies the map.
John: This doesn’t look like the original map you showed me months ago.
Nick: It is. It’s a copy, you don’t think I would bring an original to a snake and mosquito infested place like this. Besides, we could get jump by natives or bandits. They are already agitated about this.
John: Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve been out here for two month and haven’t seen another soul except the natives I have working for me, and they go home every evening. Are you sure she copied the correct map and not a cheap thing off the street. There are at least a dozen fakes floating around out there.
Nick: I’m sure it is. If it wasn’t I’m not sure you could even identify it as a fake. Why don’t you study it tonight by the camp light and plot us a path to the treasure if you can or is that out of you ability.
John: One more comment like that and I’m going to make you see stars.
Nick: Ha, ha, ha. Better bring your native helpers. Study the map and we will set out in the morning to find the treasure. I’m turning in. I had a hard day’s travel. Good night.
John: Good night. Be sure to shake out your shoes in the morning. Scorpions and Spiders you know.
Nick: I didn’t fall off the wagon yesterday. Good night
Nick enters the camp tent. John sits at the table examining the map. He holds it up to the camp light to make sure it’s not a forgery. He flips the map over several times.
John: At least it not a fake, I hope?(Mumbling)
Ext: Mountain Trail Head – Day
After hiking and climbing through the jungle for about an hour, John and Nick stumble into an opening containing Mayan figures and many unusual looking stones.
John: Quick, look at the map, do any of the figures match.
Nick: Map, what map, you had it last night.
John: Ok, ok, just wanted to get a rise out of you.
Nick: This is your warning. Nextime pow or maybe a Saw Rasp Viper. Careful what you do.
John lays out the map and begins to move the stone and rods over the map. Nothing seems to fit exactly right.
Nick: Let me see those. You’re not holding them right.
Nick holds them over the map like divining rods. They cross, sparks fly and ignite the Maps.
John and Nick frantically slap at the burning map. They get it out but there are several wholes in the map.
John: You idiot.
John punches Nick in the nose.
Nick: Ouch, why did you do that.
John: You deserved it for burning those holes in the Map. Now look what your have done.
John holds up the map. The morning light shines through and lines up on several statues. The ground begins to shake and rumble. A Grave covers opens up a grave pit revealing gold, diamonds, rubies and ancient gold coins. The top of the jewels are covered with slithering snakes. John pulls out a professional snake catcher and begins to put the snakes in a burlap bag. He collects the most poisioness ones first and then on to the harmless one.
John: Good thing there weren’t very many poisioness one.
Nick: Jackpot.
Nick picks up the diamond shape stone and hits John over the head and knock him out cold. Nick empties his back pack and greedly fills it with gold, jewels and coins. He drags John unconconse body into the grave. Nick takes the stone and places it against the eye of the statues. The grave closes over John body. Nick slings his back pack and begins walking back down the trail.
Nick: (Softly Singing) Hiho, hiho, it’s home from work we go.
We can hear the muffled screams of John.
John: Come back here you thief, conniving conman. The authorities will catch you.
Nick: And who in the hell is going to tell them. Not me. Ha, Ha! And your in no position too.
Nick, with his shoulders back and a bounce in his step continues down the trail whistling.
-
Henry Kana
QE Scene 2 (Max Interest Techniques and Inherently Dramatic Character-Rev 5)
Logline: Two Archelogist hunt for ancient treasure which cause one to lose his life in the search
Essence: One treasure hunter takes advantage of another.
INT. HOUSTON MUSEUM OF ARCHOLOGY – CONFERENCE ROOM –DAY
Nick, a short dumpy, Rolly Polly man with a squeaky voice and Mary Ann, a tall slender red head with a deep raspy voice are studying several maps on the conference room table.
Nick: I want you to make copies of all of these maps, especially the ones that show the existing temples, pyramids and grave yards. I don’t want John to get his hands on the originals. The more we keep between ourselves the better chance we stand to pull this off.
John sticks his head in the door way crack.
John: I am in the right place, Mrs. Livingston, I presume? (smiling)
Mary Ann: Yes, John, come in and join us.
Nick: Hi John
John: Hi!
Nick unfold a map of Central America and motions to John to come over. Nick points to Belieze.
Nick: That’s it. That’s where we going. (Pointing to a river on the map).
John: How do you know we will find any thing. I’m interested in finding King Zapata’s Treasure.
Nick: Look, last time I was down there I purchased this old map from a Shaman. (pointing to the old map on parchament)
John: How do you know it’s real. He could have been just making it all up. You know the jungle is a vast place down there.
Nick: Well, he told me the story handed down by his Grandfather and the map looks authentic. It only cost me $500.
John: That’s a well off Shaman. Let’s see, ten treasure hunter per month. Ten grand haul for the month, not bad. Did he have a Satellite Dish?
Nick: Yes, but they all do.
John: Ok, let’s get on with the plans. I will go down first and establish a base camp at our drop off point on the New River, assuming that where we are going.
Nick: Yes. Mary Ann will help you with permits and logistics.
Mary Ann: On it boss.
John and Mary Ann being to study the maps and been to make a list of equipment and supplies.
Mary Ann: How long do you anticipate being there?
John: At least 6 months. Definitely need good water/rain proof tents. Two month of food and water. You will need to find a local supplier.
Mary Ann: I have already contacted the local Embassy and they have provided me with several contractors and supply house. We should be good to go.
John: Ok, I will leave in a couple of days and find some local guides that can get me there.
Mary Ann: There’s already an existing defunct archeology site at the drop off point. It should be pretty easy to find.
John: Make sure you purchase a couple of Satelite Phones. Don’t want to have to climb to the top of a hill when I have to call you.
Mary Ann: Sure thing, will do.
John takes a map and closes up his brief case. Exits the Conference Room.
Mary Ann: Do you think he suspects anything.
Nick: Not a chance.
EXT. A MONTH LATER ON THE BANKS OF THE NEW RIVER – LATE EVENING
A small motorized dugout cruises along the banks of the New River. Suddenly a flury of arrows and spears fly from the jungle along the river bank. The dugout moves away from the bank and the arrows and spears fall harmlessly in the river. One or two arrow are stuck in the side of the boat. Nick stands up in the boat and shouts several commands in Spanish.
Nick: Alto! Mi Amigo! Alto!
Nick sits back down and the dugout continues puttering up the river.
John sits in a chair in front of a camp fire sipping on fresh steaming coffee. He is awaiting the arrival of Nick Jones, a competitor archeologist. A motorize dugout cruises up to a make shift dock. Out hops Nick.
Nick: Morning John, how are things? Making any progress? What’s with the angry natives. I thought this was a safe site.
John: Yes, it is. They are just blowing off steam cause they didn’t feel like they got enough compensation. Progress, you tell me, did you bring it? We will be lost without it.
Nick: Bring what? (Chuckling) I hope my secretary packed it? I told her to.
John: Damn you Nick. We can’t use the Stone and Rods without it.
Nick: I’m sure Mary Ann packed it. She was folding it up when I left the office. I sure it here in my travel bag.
John: Finding King Zapata’s treasure will be useless without that Map. With the winding trails, changes in elevations it will be like looking for a, “needle in a haystack.”
Nick: You have the Stone and Rods? Show me!
John crosses to a metal suitcase, places it on the camp table, and pops it open revealing a diamond shaped stone with two copper rods with eye pieces.
John: There you see, we kept safe till you got hear per our written agreement. Now where is the map?
Nick: Right here.
Nick opens his carry bag and pull out a folded piece of parchment. He unfolds it and places it on the camp table. John studies the map.
John: This doesn’t look like the original map you showed me months ago.
Nick: It is. It’s a copy, you don’t think I would bring an original to a snake and mosquito infested place like this. Besides, we could get jump by natives or bandits. They are already agitated about this.
John: Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve been out here for two month and haven’t seen another soul except the natives I have working for me, and they go home every evening. Are you sure she copied the correct map and not a cheap thing off the street. There are at least a dozen fakes floating around out there.
Nick: I’m sure it is. If it wasn’t I’m not sure you could even identify it as a fake. Why don’t you study it tonight by the camp light and plot us a path to the treasure if you can or is that out of you ability.
John: One more comment like that and I’m going to make you see stars.
Nick: Ha, ha, ha. Better bring your native helpers. Study the map and we will set out in the morning to find the treasure. I’m turning in. I had a hard day’s travel. Good night.
John: Good night. Be sure to shake out your shoes in the morning. Scorpions and Spiders you know.
Nick: I didn’t fall off the wagon yesterday. Good night
Nick enters the camp tent. John sits at the table examining the map. He holds it up to the camp light to make sure it’s not a forgery. He flips the map over several times.
John: At least it not a fake, I hope?(Mumbling)
Ext: Mountain Trail Head – Day
After hiking and climbing through the jungle for about an hour, John and Nick stumble into an opening containing Mayan figures and many unusual looking stones.
John: Quick, look at the map, do any of the figures match.
Nick: Map, what map, you had it last night.
John: Ok, ok, just wanted to get a rise out of you.
Nick: This is your warning. Nextime pow or maybe a Saw Rasp Viper. Careful what you do.
John lays out the map and begins to move the stone and rods over the map. Nothing seems to fit exactly right.
Nick: Let me see those. You’re not holding them right.
Nick holds them over the map like divining rods. They cross, sparks fly and ignite the Maps.
John and Nick frantically slap at the burning map. They get it out but there are several wholes in the map.
John: You idiot.
John punches Nick in the nose.
Nick: Ouch, why did you do that.
John: You deserved it for burning those holes in the Map. Now look what your have done.
John holds up the map. The morning light shines through and lines up on several statues. The ground begins to shake and rumble. A Grave covers opens up a grave pit revealing gold, diamonds, rubies and ancient gold coins. The top of the jewels are covered with slithering snakes. John pulls out a professional snake catcher and begins to put the snakes in a burlap bag. He collects the most poisioness ones first and then on to the harmless one.
John: Good thing there weren’t very many poisioness one.
Nick: Jackpot.
Nick picks up the diamond shape stone and hits John over the head and knock him out cold. Nick empties his back pack and greedly fills it with gold, jewels and coins. He drags John unconconse body into the grave. Nick takes the stone and places it against the eye of the statues. The grave closes over John body. Nick slings his back pack and begins walking back down the trail.
Nick: (Softly Singing) Hiho, hiho, it’s home from work we go.
We can hear the muffled screams of John.
John: Come back here you thief, conniving conman. The authorities will catch you.
Nick: And who in the hell is going to tell them. Not me. Ha, Ha! And your in no position too.
Nick, with his shoulders back and a bounce in his step continues down the trail whistling.
There is a sudden rustling in the bushes along the trail. Nick stops. He looks around, has a concerned look on his face. He pulls out a 357 pistol and his Satellite phone. He flips the phone open and dials.
Nick: Mary Ann, what’s your status.
Mary Ann: I’ll be there in about 30 minutes.
Nick: Hurry, I think there are natives surrounding me.
Mary Ann: Keep the gun handy and in plane view. They won’t attack if they know your armed.
They hang up and Nick cautiously heads down the trail with his head and gun on a swivel. Nick reaches to campsite and landing area only to see three Banditos emerging from the jungle. The three Banditos are heavely armed.
Bandito #1: Drop your pisstolla Mister.
Nick fires his pistol at Bandito #1 who grabs his wounded arm. Suddenly we hear muffled pops and the other two Banditos grab their bleeding legs. Off in the distance as we see a dugout moving closer up river, Mary Ann lowers a snipers rifle with a silencer attached.
Mary Ann: That should take care of them.
Nick, in amazement, turns to see Mary Ann holding the rifle as the dugout approaches the landing.
-
Carol L. Paur’s Max Interest 2
What I learned doing this lesson is that my script needs more Maximum Interest techniques, and I was able to apply them in my script.
Logline: Raymond Peterson and Frank Miller climb Mt. Hood in winter.
Essence: Frank Miller wants to intimidate Raymond to show him who is in control.
FADE IN:
INT. RAYMOND’S MIND – MOUNT HOOD – NIGHT
Raymond screams, rain pummeling him as he dangles off the cliffs of a mountain. (HOOK and PREDICTION)
EXT. MOUNT HOOD – MOMENTS LATER
Back on Mt. Hood, Raymond remains inert while FRANK MILLER, a vigorous fifty-year-old, confidently adjusts his 1920 aviator goggles. He growls at the mountains, brazenly ignoring the swirling snowflakes and whistling wind warning of impending doom.
FRANK MILLER
Don’t dally there, Peterson. Work is waiting.
The powerful wind shuts Raymond’s eyes, and he quakes.
RAYMOND PETERSON
The job description said nothing about mountain climbing.
Frank stops to look at Raymond with disdain.
FRANK MILLER
Thought you were a Flying Ace. (MYSTERY – What’s a Flying Ace? How does Frank know about this?)
RAYMOND PETERSON
It was either that or let the Germans kill me.
Frank begins walking again – with a slight limp.
FRANK MILLER
At least you got to serve. A little mountain should be nothing for you.
He turns and grins an evil Jack-o’-lantern smile. Then he resumes marching up the mountain as if in a race.
FRANK MILLER
Scaled Machu Picchu right after Bingham discovered it. No survivors of that lost civilization.
(PREDICTION OF SOME FUTURE)
Raymond ignores Miller’s comments and trudges forward. In the background is some rumbling. (SOMETHING UNSEEN).
Frank, stops, inhales deeply; Raymond looks around.
FRANK MILLER
Mountains – school of life. They teach you a whole lot more than what you learn in a courtroom.
RAYMOND PETERSON
Courtrooms are fine with me.
Frank scowls, but marches forward.
FRANK MILLER
Mountains are living breathing entities. They do what they want to do. No humans can get in their way. (PREDICTION)
In the distance slow slides down toward them. AVALANCHE. (HOOK)
RAYMOND PETERSON
(shouting)
Don’t you think we should find some cover?
FRANK MILLER
Face your terrors. (PREDICTION)
The snow careens closer. They’ll be dead in moments if they don’t move out of the way.
INT. RAYMOND’S POV
A grove of trees not far away.
EXT. MOUNT HOOD – MOMENTS LATER
The avalanche is dangerously close. Raymond tackles Frank, shoving him into the trees seconds before the snow strikes the very spot where they were just standing. When the snow clears, Frank stands up, brushes himself off.
FRANK MILLER
Trying to be the big hero again?
-
Hope’s Max Interest 2
What I learned: That I have a long way to go. This still isn’t very interesting. But it is better than it was.
Essence: Charlie’s stepmother pressures Charlie to get the farm sold in the next two weeks.
Interest technique additions: Anticipatory dialogue; predictions; creating a future; uncomfortable moment
INT. AMBER’S OFFICE – SAME TIME
Amber sits at her neat-as-a-pin desk.
INTERCUT – FACETIME CONVERSATION
CHARLIE
(resigned)
Hi, Amber.
She holds her mobile phone close enough to keep the animals out of the picture.
AMBER
Which local developers have you connected with? Any offers yet? Your father would be knocking down doors by now.
The goat nibbles Charlie’s jacket. She pushes his head away. Doesn’t break eye contact with Amber.
CHARLIE
I’m connecting with the locals.
The donkey moves in.
AMBER
We’re less than two weeks from Christmas. What would your father want you to do now?
CHARLIE
Ummmm …
AMBER
He’d want me to help you. I’ll come up!
CHARLIE
No! I do have a developer coming! Tomorrow!
AMBER
Then it’s more important than ever that I be there, right? I can be there by 1 p.m.
CHARLIE
Dad would want me to do this on my own. I’m sure of it.
AMBER
Did I tell you the final cost to your dad’s company after your little catastrophe last week?
CHARLIE
I’ll call you after I speak with the developer. Okay?
\
AMBER
Why your father ever thought you could go from an art studio to million dollar deals — I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Amber disconnects the call.
END INTERCUT
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Tom’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is it’s empowering to inject interest into my story.
Scene Logline – Clare accompanies Kate to gather Earth life forms she’ll need on Mars. Asteroid strikes destroyed the life forms they gathered previously.
Scene Essence – Clare left Kate because she fears when she leaves, her father will abuse her. When the asteroid destroyed everything, she returns to help Kate gather new samples she’ll need on Mars.
Four Interest Techniques Used:
Creating a Future – Clare goes to the crew’s desert camp to help Kate replace the Earth life forms they gathered which the asteroid destroyed.
Anticipatory Dialogue – Clare foresees if they stay, they will die there.
Dilemma – Storm gusts near hurricane speeds. If they stay, they could be killed. If they attempt to return to camp, there’s a greater chance they’ll be injured or killed.
Cliffhanger – Clare falls into a ravine. Kate leaps in to save her. Will either one return alive?
EXT. MOJAVE DESERT CAMP – DAY
Clare arrives. Goes to Kate’s tent. Kate rushes out to her.
They embrace. Clare hands her a red lunch pail.
CLAIRE
To replace your samples for Mars.
They backpack up into the hills.
LATER
They sift through a pile of dirt.
Kate’s excited about life form structures they find.
CLARE
You love this very much.
KATE
I hate it keeps us apart.
They bag their samples and start back to camp.
Darkness arrives early. A distant dust storm grows larger.
LATER
Raw winds tear their clothes. Rocks, twigs sting like arrows.
LATER
Gale force gusts blowtorch them with dust. They dodge tree limbs.
Back-to-back they turn. Seek a landmark to get them back.
Dust completely surrounds them.
They scream to be heard.
KATE
We’re lost. Must shelter.
Clare presses both her temples.
CLARE
No. If we stay here, we die here.
Clare removes her belt and hands one end to Kate.
She ties a scarf over her eyes and hikes in a straight line.
Kate shields her eyes and follows gripping her end of the belt.
LATER
Kate and Clare lean into powerful wind gusts.
They crest a hill. Clare slips, rolls down the steep cliff.
Without hesitation, Kate plunges over the cliff after her. #
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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Joe’s Max Interest 2
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is how fun it is to just jam into a scene a whole lot of techniques, when you are experimenting with them. Refining comes later.
Take a scene that needs to be more interesting and use the Interest list to brainstorm more interesting ways to write it.
Take these steps:
Select the scene from your script
that needs help and give us a logline for that scene.The journalists find a hiding area in a nearby school, giving them a fighting chance to deliver their bombshell footage.
Tell us the essence of the scene.
The journalists must evade capture to have a chance to deliver their stunning report.
Tell us at least two (more if you
can) interest techniques for the rewrite.Anticipatory dialogue, dilemma, hook, creating a future, uncomfortable moment
Rewrite the scene using as many interest techniques as you can and include the newly rewritten scene in your post.
4.
5.
6. INT. ADMIN WING – FIFTH FLOOR – DAY
7.
8. Scene Purpose: Introduce 3rd enemy 3
9.
10. The floor, partitioned in back, leaves the remaining square, windowed area littered with phone wire, cubicle feet and screws.
11.
12. GRUEBER
13. Perfect.
14.
15. Scout and Grueber pile a fortress of boxes away from the door, not too high.
16.
17. Thomas stares out the window. Scout puts megaphone hands to his mouth.
18.
19. SCOUT
20. Earth to Thomas. Help your crew set up camp or we go to jai–
21.
22. Thomas turns on Scout.
23.
24. THOMAS
25. SHUT UP!
26.
27. SCOUT
28. I figured you’ve never slept with a woman. Now I’m thinking: he’s never even been on a date.
29.
30. Thomas goes back to window staring, turning redder by the second.
31.
32. GRUEBER
33. SCOUT! I have a job for you. We need to throw them off our scent.
34.
35. Scout nods as he takes in the mess he made organizing boxes.
36.
37. GRUEBER
38. We’ve ditched the guards and the Alien. Once you make the Colonel think we’re gone, we’re in!
39.
40. Thomas snorts.
41.
42. THOMAS
43. Nope. Reid made a phone call.
44.
45. Through the window: a fleet of black sedans descends on Dover.
46.
47. SCOUT
48. Sinking in yet, Tommy? Aliens are real.
49.
50. THOMAS
51. Oh, excuse me. I thought they were after US. My mistake. I’m so stupid.
52.
53. Thomas turns back to the window, the movement swinging his loaded jacket pocket that BUMPS against it. He stuffs his hand in to cover the sound. Nobody notices.
54.
55. THOMAS
56. I haven’t met the right girl yet. To go on a date with.
57.
58. SCOUT
59. You just did. She wants you to walk her home at 6:00. Or did that all just whiz right past you? Dorko?
60.
61. Grueber leaps into Scout’s face.
62.
63. GRUEBER
64. Hey! Don’t go putting a lame brained idea like that in his head. One of us is seen, we’re all dog meat.
65.
66. Grueber returns to box stacking. Scout mouths “six o’clock” at Thomas.
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James’ Max Interest Two
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is by inserting interest techniques in my scenes I’m able to open up possibilities I originally did not notice. This applies not only to story, but to character nuances I previously did not consider.
Scene logline: Denny advises Pappy to stand up to Assante and never back down.
Essence: Denny has to protect Pappy and offers him a stern caution.
Interest techniques used: hook, dilemma, uncomfortable moment, anticipatory dialogue, creating a future
Scene:
INT. DINER – NIGHT
Denny “The Milk” taps his fingers in front of Pappy in a booth. The silence between them is loud until:
PAPPY
I never thought becoming a man would be so hard.
DENNY
More so in our world.
PAPPY
Should I stop my pursuit? And remain a half man?
A beat.
PAPPY
How was your first experience?
DENNY
I’m keeping a low profile.
The waitress comes over with orange juice and carrot cake.
DENNY
Thank you, Mami.
Denny devours the carrot cake like he hasn’t eaten in days. Pappy and the waitress gawk in wonder.
PAPPY
He’ll probably order seconds.
She shakes her head and leaves.
PAPPY
I just can’t believe my second deflowering party would be ruined. And Assante’s to blame.
DENNY
Do you feel the need to hit back?
Pappy slowly nods.
DENNY
Once you’re in, there’s no return.
Anger exudes through Pappy’s pores.
DENNY
You have info at the ready.
A beat.
PAPPY
The shipment.
Denny moves his face inches from Pappy’s.
DENNY
Hit back.
PAPPY
Thanks, Denny.
DENNY
The Milk.
PAPPY
Thanks, The Milk.
Pappy storms out with a clear focus.
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