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Day 14 Assignment
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Jean Has Amazing Description!
What I learned doing this assignment is that going through the action line by line helped me find places where I could improve the description by using the worksheet as a guide. The most helpful was the action/internal process portion. Being able to make those additions has elevated the reading of my script. It is well worth the time to do this process.
Here are some examples:
Sharra’s POV: The sound of a CAMERA CLICKING. A photo of each of their faces lasts for a second. Instant memorization; it’s an automatic reflex. Sharra can’t stop it.
Sharra smiles back, giving Jaden a little wave. His smile drops as soon as she turns away. His smile is a pretense.
He notices the papers are job applications for accounting firms. So unimpressed.
Sharra shuts the door and throws her satchel on the couch. She stops. Something is off. Her eyes land on the photo. It’s out of place. She adjusts it, almost touching the camera.
Faolan quickly turns, hiding the bloodstains. He’s not fooling Mrs. Hobbs.
Lazarus caresses the inscription on the back of the pocket watch. There’s a story there.
Sharra closes her fingers around the USB stick and looks back the way Read went. She’s scared.
Sharra is quick. Sprays the Mace. Gets Conway in one eye. He grabs his eye, screaming. He! Is! Pissed!
Faolan peeks out. Notices Sharra’s hurt and grows alarmed. He wants to help her but holds back. Conflicted.
Sharra wakes, disorientated. Sits up. Looks around. The display columns. Recognizes Lazarus’ office. Her eyes widen! She remembers!
Sharra blanches. He knows! Read smirks at her reaction.
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Janeen Has Amazing Description
What I learned doing this assignment is that I really need to make these techniques a part of my repertoire so I don’t have to make pass after pass fixing them. I found my mind wandering while I was supposed to be focused on description and I changed/modified dialogue too. Sometimes it was necessary to make the action clearer, but often, I had lapsed into word smithing. If it’s part of my normal process to write good action, I won’t have to struggle to focus on description so much. I find it exhausting to maintain focus on details for long periods of time. I definitely want to include as many good techniques in my normal writing process rather than rewriting them in. Also, if they become the norm, cursory editing will fix them in earlier drafts.
Examples:
1. Fall on the farm — I tried to add some emotion to the descriptions.
BEFORE: It’s late fall.
TEEN MOLLY, in a jacket and gloves, struggles to heft a large flower pot into a garden cart. TEEN JIM pulls up in his pickup and jumps out to help, an engaging smile in his voice.
AFTER: It’s late fall. Trees are bare, wind is blowing, most fields are already harvested, planters around the house have been cleared of frozen, dead mums.
TEEN MOLLY, in a jacket and work gloves, struggles to heft a large flower pot into a garden cart.
TEEN JIM pulls up in his pickup and jumps out to help, an engaging smile in his voice.
2. Mindy making her first move on Mike. I wanted to show more premeditation by Mindy.
BEFORE: TEEN MINDY, checking out her hair and clothes in the mirror, checks the clock and then pulls some Christmas decorations from a box. The door is propped open about 6 inches.
AFTER: TEEN MINDY, checks out her hair, jeans and sweater in the mirror, primps a little, looks expectantly at the clock.
The room door is propped open about 6 inches. Footsteps in the hall signal someone approaching. Mindy hastily pulls some Christmas decorations from a box.
3. 4th of July picnic where Jim’s jealousy grows dark. I wasn’t sure how to indicate we only hear music, not conversation. I had incorporated it into another action line before, but separated it to make it clear there would be no audible conversation for the rest of the scene. Not sure I did it right.
BEFORE: Under music that goes from mild and pleasant to ominous by end of scene, Jim takes the plate, proffers his empty bottle and Randi swaps with him, making small talk.
AFTER: Music plays over the rest of the scene, changing from mild and pleasant to ominous by end of scene.
Jim takes the plate, proffers his empty bottle, and Randi swaps with him, making small talk.
4. Molly leaves her home in anger. The original dialogue wasn’t crisp. Maybe these are just tweaks.
BEFORE: In silhouette through the farmhouse windows, we see the argument escalate.
Jim’s rant grows more belligerent and Molly’s posture gradually grows taller.
Finally, she grabs her keys and leaves the house, getting into her pickup and leaving the yard in a spray of gravel.
AFTER: In silhouette through the farmhouse windows, the argument escalates.
Jim’s rant grows belligerent. Molly pulls herself up more with each exchange. She’s ready to leave him.
Finally, she grabs her keys, exits the house. Her pickup leaves the yard in a spray of gravel.
5. I had a number of time jumps in the pilot where flashbacks will reveal a more complete picture of what happened between scenes in future episodes as they become important. I modified a number of these in the script.
BEFORE: Indicate that this is Early Last October.
AFTER: It’s three months later, early October.
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Tracy El Pueblo Has Amazing Description!
My challenge has been to create/describe the different world of each of the five characters as it exists before they are sent on personal journeys to end up eventually in El Pueblo. That’s taken a lot of research to be accurate for this historical work, but I’ve really enjoyed it — probably too much since I can use so little of what I find myself immersed in reading late into the evenings.
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