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Day 14 Assignments
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3 Replies
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Lois has amazing description
I already had some of these:
He looks at Kamali Parker in a friendly but manipulative way.
Meff looks thoughtful. That’s an unusual look for him.
She pets him ostentatiously.
Meff is in rhapsodies. Polly was good at petting. Kamali is superb!
I going through my script again, I found a place where action was combined with dialogue, and a missing piece of dialogue that was still in my head and not on the page. But I didn’t find any places to add more description. Such places may exist, but I can’t spot them by myself.
I wish somebody in this class was ready to swap.
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Lisa has amazing description
What I learned doing this assignment is that I could make things a little more concise without taking anything away from it.
examples:
1. before:
Marc is staring into her eyes now. It’s like Jane notices his piercing eyes for the first time. She gets lost for a second but Marc breaks his gaze, looking past her. He sees Lucy, a beautiful, pleasant, and sadistic red head, a colleague and arch enemy of Marc, as she removes her pig mask. She’s wearing a “vegans taste better” hoodie.
after:
Marc is staring into her eyes now. She gets lost in his gaze for a moment but Marc breaks his gaze, looking past her. He sees Lucy, a beautiful, pleasant, and sadistic red head, a colleague and arch enemy of Marc. She removes her pig mask. She’s wearing a “vegans taste better” hoodie.
2. before:
CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE MURAL SHOWING A FEW ANIMALS FLOATING UP IN THE CLOUDS WEARING HALOS. FOLLOW THIR EYELINE DOWN TO A FAMILY SITTING AT A PICNIC TABLE EATING BURGERS, CHICKEN NUGGETS AND BACON. THEY’RE HAPPY AND SMILING. FOLLOW THEIR EYELINE TO FARMER PETE, WHO STANDS SMILING, WAVING AND WEARING AN APRON WITH JUST A FEW SPLATTERS OF BLOOD ON IT. HE HOLDS A HATCHET AND STANDS OUTSIDE A BARN STRUCTURE
after:
A large mural spans across the building with a few pigs, cows and chickens wearing halos as they float into the clouds. Below them, a family sits at a picnic table eating burgers, chicken nuggets and bacon. They’re happy and smiling. The family looks to Farmer Pete, who stands smiling, waving and wearing an apron with light blood spatter on it. He holds a hatchet and stands outside a barn structure.
3.
before:
POV OF UNKNOWN PERSON WATCHING JANE FROM OUTSIDE HER HOUSE. CAMERA MOVES OUTSIDE THE HOUSE FROM THE BEDROOM WINDOW FOLLOWING HER THROUGH THE HOUSE AND INTO THE KITCHEN.
after:
Someone unseen watches her from outside.
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DESCRIPTION CHART
I have completed going through the description and made sure it is in the present tense.
the second step, I made sure I got rid of common use of words such as “walks”, Looks etc.
I was surprised how easily just changing these two minor things immediately made the pilot read a lot quicker.
I then removed most of the unwanted CAPS for sound, removed unwanted “He”, “she”.
I will continue to do an in-depth re-write of the descriptions once I have finalised all scenes to be included in the pilot.
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