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Day 14 Assignments
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3 Replies
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Lisa’s Most Memorable Scenes
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is… again, the value and importance of pushing myself to think outside the box and be open to new possibilities for my characters and story.
Logline: A homeless teenage orphan, chasing her dream of becoming the next Adele, must survive the streets of L.A. and the pursuit of the criminal who killed her family.
SCENE:
INT. – PHILLY POLICE DEPARTMENT MEN’S ROOM – DAY
Dark, smoldering eyes stare with self-loathing at their reflection in the mirror; a drop of sweat trickles down the smooth, tan forehead. It is a moment of extreme stress for newly-deigned Lead PI CHRISTIAN SANTIAGO, 28, a Columbian-born Chris Hemsworth. Raven hair. Searing blue eyes. His gladiator physique bulging through his crisp white dress shirt and tasteful blue tie.
His phone vibrates on the counter of the empty men’s room. He hangs his head with a sigh, then picks up the phone and reads a new text:
215-633-0101
You’re on. Don’t disappoint.
Christian sets the phone down and looks at his watch.
CHRISTIAN
And so it begins.
He fumbles a prescription bottle of Xanax from his pocket, administers a dose and swallows. Grabbing his jacket draped over a stall door, flings it over his shoulder and takes one last look at himself in the mirror.
CHRISTIAN
(standing tall)
You da man!
He walks out.
LINE TO BE TRANSFORMED:
You da man!
CLEAR MEANING BEHIND THE LINE:
Originally, the line was meant to reveal his efforts to pump up his attitude, but in doing this exercise, I think it’s more interesting for the line to reveal how much he hates himself for what he’s become.
12 DIFFERENT WAYS TO SAY IT:
Congrats, man. You’re one of the bad guys, now.
You always wanted to be on the dark side. Congrats, man.
I always wanted to be a shill when I grew up.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the biggest liar of them all?
I am the danger.
You handsome shill, you.
Lying looks good on you, man.
You’re an expert in lying, man. You got this.
Welcome to the dark side.
You’re not who I thought you’d be.
Too late to turn back now, man. Get out there and do it.
I hate you.
NEW LINE:
I always wanted to be a shill when I grew up.
I felt this expressed his feeling with a good dose of sarcasm, and was the least clichéd version.
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Joan Butler Assignment 14 Memorable Lines
What I learned: Creating these lines can be difficult.
EXT. GATE – DAY
A tall fence and gate hide all but the roof of the transition house. There is an intercom beside the gate.
Selma stands before the gate hugging herself.
She closes her eyes and feels a necklace of beads, smooth stones, and charms she always wears in addition to the locket, except when she’s in pajamas.
She pushes the intercom button.
SELMA
It’s Selma Freeman.
A BUZZER sounds. She pushes the gate open.
The meaning I want to deliver: I want to show Selma’s fear.
EXT. GATE – DAY
A tall fence and gate hide all but the roof of the transition house. There is an intercom beside the gate.
Selma stands before the gate hugging herself.
She closes her eyes and feels a necklace of beads, smooth stones, and charms she always wears in addition to the locket, except when she’s in pajamas.
She pushes the intercom button.
SELMA
(quietly)
It’s Selma Freeman.
MAGGIE (V.O.)
Could you please speak up?
SELMA
(swallowing hard)
It’s Selma Freeman.
A BUZZER sounds. She pushes the gate open.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Joan Butler.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by
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Marian’s Most Memorable Line – Shark Abyss
What I learned from doing this assignment is, that I need to identify the most important dialogue lines and make them really special.
I chose the first sentence that the protagonist Lisanna speaks.
SCENE:
EXT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY
Luxury cars parked in front of the elegant institute. A bit aside a rust bucket with “Save the environment” stickers. We guess who owns the rust bucket.
MIA (V.O.)
Mom, we wanted to go to the demo! Do you always have to take care of those stupid sharks?
INT. SHARK TANK – DAYLISANNA hurries around the basin, her daughter MIA trotting sullenly behind. HOUSE MASTER HENRY pokes around the pool with a long pole.
Suddenly a shark shoots out, just past Lisanna and Mia and bites into the pole. Henry is scared to death, ashen-faced he backs away.
Mia is speechless. Lisanna leans over the edge of the pool and peers into the basin, where the shark could jump out again at any moment.
LISANNA
Freddy is a bit too aggressive…
MIA
Mom, get away from there.
HENRY
Not my job to get eaten!
Lisanna is now holding a HAND IN THE WATER!
MIA
MOM!
LISANNA
Way too warm… he won’t survive….
HENRY
The valve for the heat pump is stuck. Called about an hour ago….
LISANNA
The only way to fix it is in the pool….
HENRY
You want me to go in there? No way!
Lisanna looks around hastily, sees the janitor’s toolbox, takes off her jacket and shoes.
HENRY
You’re not going to…
MIA
Are you crazy, mama?
LISANNA
If we don’t do something now, Freddy is dead.
Lisanna hands Henry her jacket, grabs a pipe wrench, a wrench, and some wire.
MIA
The shark has gone completely nuts….
LISANNA
Just distract him with something.
Lisanna jumps into the water. Mia yells at the janitor.
MIA
(panicked)
How are we going to distract a shark???
Lisanna’s first sentence should make an impression right away and show that she is an extraordinary protagonist, an action heroine as well as a loving mother and shark-expert.
LISANNA
Freddy is a bit too aggressive…
ALTERNATIVE LINES:
This is Freddy. My favorite. Very aggressive today.
Freddy’s really cheeky today.
Freddy, what are you doing?
Freddy, he just wants to play.
There’s something about Freddy.
Freddy needs attention. Just like you, Mia.
Freddy’s just as cheeky as you, Mia.
Everyone seems to be in a bad mood today. Freddy’s kind of weird, too.
Freddy has the same problem, Mia. Mood swings.
What’s going on today? First my daughter, then Freddy.
You even drive the shark crazy with your nagging! Freddy is already getting nervous.
That’s enough, Mia. Freddy’s already aggressive too!
I came up with the idea of connecting Mia’s criticism of Lisanna with the aggressive behavior of Freddy, the shark. This underlines Mias fear that Lisanna cares more about sharks than her. The sentences I chose always made me laugh. I added Mia’s name because we don’t know who she is yet. Also, I separated the sentences by the action that was just before the sentence.
NEW SCENE:
EXT. MARINE INSTITUTE – DAY
Luxury cars parked in front of the elegant institute. A bit aside a rust bucket with “Save the environment” stickers. We guess who owns the rust bucket.
MIA (V.O.)
Mom, we wanted to go to the demo! Do you always have to take care of those stupid sharks?
INT. SHARK TANK – DAYLISANNA hurries around the basin, her daughter MIA trotting sullenly behind. JANITOR HENRY pokes around the pool with a long pole.
Suddenly a shark shoots out, just past Lisanna and Mia and bites into the pole. Henry is scared to death, ashen-faced he backs away.
LISANNA
(to Mia)You even drive the shark crazy with your nagging, Mia!
Lisanna leans over the edge of the pool and peers into the basin. The shark could jump out again at any moment.
LISANNA
Freddy is already getting nervous.
MIA
Mom, get away from there.
HENRY
Not my job to get eaten!
Lisanna is now holding a HAND IN THE WATER!
MIA
MOM!
LISANNA
Way too warm…
HENRY
The valve for the heat pump is stuck. Called about an hour ago….
LISANNA
The only way to fix it is in the pool….
HENRY
You want me to go in there? No way!
Lisanna looks around hastily, sees the janitor’s toolbox, takes off her jacket and shoes.
HENRY
You’re not going to…
MIA
Are you crazy, mom?
LISANNA
If we don’t do something now, Freddy is dead!
Lisanna hands Henry her jacket, grabs a pipe wrench, a wrench, and some wire.
MIA
The shark has gone completely nuts….
LISANNA
Just distract him with something.
Lisanna jumps into the water. Mia yells at the janitor.
MIA
(panicked)
How are we going to distract a shark???
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