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Day 14 Assignments
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ASSIGNMENT – DAY 14
Subject: Alan’s Most Memorable Line
What I learned doing this assignment is…a single line of memorable dialogue can make a huge improvement to my script.
– I’m rewriting the Highland Tavern scene where Rolex Guy roofies Erin and Jay steps in to stop him from abducting her.
The meaning I want to deliver is: Jay has no idea what he’s stepping into by protecting Erin.
Rolex Guy’s original line to Jay was: Stay out of this.
Rolex Guy’s revised line to Jay: Back off, bumkin. You’re in the deep end of the pool here.
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Hi Alan,
Love your revised line. ‘Deep end of the pool’ is definitely memorable.
Just a nit pick: ‘bumpkin’ is the correct spelling, I believe
Keep up the great work.
Erica
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PAT’S MOST MEMORABLE LINE
What I learned doing this assignment is to nudge the subconscious with a statement that puts a bow on the theme. An early memorable line also sets up the third act action.
BEFORE:
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Mom packs away food in double layers of Saran wrap. Monica adds bowls to the table with a clatter. Mom glares at her.
MOM CASSIDY
Don’t you get an attitude with me. I had every right to dismiss him.
MONICA
By spilling coffee on him? You’re worse than a crabby old loon.
MOM CASSIDY
Well, you should have more consideration for me. Bringing strangers into the house. Now I’ll have to change the locks.
MONICA
Mom! Christ, I work with the man. He’s not going to rob us. I doubt he’ll ever speak to me again after tonight.
MOM CASSIDY
Good riddance.
On the verge of totally losing it, Monica takes a moment. She throws up her hands.
MONICA
I have to see Paul out.
Monica heads out.
MOM CASSIDY
In my day it was the man saw the woman out.
AFTER:
What I wanted in the last line was the zinger that foreshadowed Rosemary’s impending death and Monica’s crushing guilt.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Mom packs away the food in double layers of Saran wrap. Monica adds bowls to the table.
MOM CASSIDY
Don’t you get an attitude with me. I had every right to dismiss him.
MONICA
By spilling coffee on him? You’re worse than a crabby old loon.
MOM CASSIDY
Well, you should have more consideration for me. Bringing strangers into the house. Now I’ll have to change the locks.
MONICA
Mom! Christ, I work with the man. He’s not going to rob us. I doubt he’ll ever speak to me again after tonight. I have to see him out.
MOM CASSIDY
In my day it was the man saw the woman out.
MONICA
This is Miami, not Atlanta.
Monica heads for the door. Mom stores the dishes in the fridge, considers the cake.
MOM CASSIDY
Your brother and sister wouldn’t treat me like some addled-brained old fool. One day you’ll come home to find me dead on the floor, and it will be all your fault.
BEFORE:
EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Paul waits anxiously at an ambulance, pacing out nerves. Sam perks up as Monica is led out of the house by Officer Warren.
PAUL
Mo! Are you all right?
He reaches for her, alarmed by the blood spatter on her clothes. She shudders out of her daze.
MONICA
Not me …
SAM
What happened?
A shrouded stretcher is brought out. Monica backs away, clings to Paul.
MONICA
Mom’s going to be so angry. Her beautiful urn. Ashes everywhere.
PAUL
Never mind that now. You’re exhausted.
MONICA
He tried to convince me this was all my fault, but the tape. I had him. Then the door. It happened so fast.
She sobs on Paul’s shoulder.
AFTER:
This end scene has to tie up the argument of how much security is too much.
EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Paul waits anxiously at the ambulance. EMTs exit with a body bag on a gurney. Coco leads a numbed Monica out.
Paul rushes to her.
PAUL
Monica! Are you all right? What happened?
COCO
I had to take the shot. That small room …
And EMT wraps a blanket around Monica’s shoulders. She blinks semi-awareness, clutches at Paul.
MONICA
Is it my fault? I write the ads, give them too much responsibility.
PAUL
You’re in shock, baby. This isn’t the time.
MONICA
When? Nobody talks about the consequences?
COCO
Listen to your friend. This will all come out in the investigation.
MONICA
But who’s watching the watchers?
Paul tugs her into a hug. On the verge of a watershed of tears, Monica digs in his coat pockets, pulls out the tape to show Coco.
MONICA (CONT’D)
Guard this with your life.
PAUL
Oh honey, stop. It’s over.
MONICA
No, it’s proof. I wasn’t crazy. People need to know. We give away too much freedom in the name of security.
Under Paul’s worried look, Coco takes the tape. A shudder goes through Monica. Strength fading, she follows Paul’s lead into the ambulance.
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Alan, I like the line. It really delivers character for Rolex Guy.
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Subject: Erica’s Most Memorable Line
What I learned doing this assignment is…
In the penultimate scene, our protagonist Julia and her FFB Katie bond in the women’s locker room before heading to the pit for their first, hopefully carefree, performance. Katie has a penchant for flitting from man to man, and Julia customarily upbraids her for it. In this case, Julia pushes the envelope with a surprise response. The meaning I want Julia’s line to deliver is that after her experiences dealing with evil and her close brush with death, she has learned to think out of her usual box.
BEFORE:
KATIE
You could do worse. I once had a fling with a cop.JULIA
You already told me. Very hot.AFTER:
KATIE
You could do worse. I once had a fling with a cop.JULIA
Really? Could you set me up?
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Assignment Day 14 – Critique of Erica’s Memorable Line
Hi, Erica,
That line of dialogue is a massive, unexpected change. I think it really works.
Excellent,
– alan
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