-
Day 15 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
-
4 Replies
-
I accidentally posted too soon here. I will post again when I finish exchanging feedback.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Rachelle Storti.
-
Rahelle, thank you for the feedback. I am going through the rough draft and incorporating the insights and thoughts you provided. 🙂
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by
-
Rachelle’s Thriller Map Version 3
What I learned… Feedback let me see where I didn’t clearly convey what was in my head to the page. The logline needed work. It was a puzzle I had great fun with. I learned organization techniques. Interesting, both people I exchanged feedback with had a question about the same scene which caused me to write it in a different way. I had difficulty sticking to “Save the Cat!” method and satisfying feedback without an explanation of why I chose the scenes that I did. It was tough to shrink it down to four pages when a lot of the info was in the scene description. I am open to exchanging additional feedback anyone wants to.
CYN AND JULES
Logline: A forensic photographer living in L.A. must travel to her hometown and curb her addictions to unravel the mystery surrounding her mother’s death.
Scene 1: INT. AVA’S ROOM – DAY
Action: Ava Bardot (Cyn and Jules mother) is killed by an unknown villain.
Clue: She recognizes her killer.
Clue 2: The murderer leaves an empty vial of insulin behind.
Intrigue: Ava was already sick. Will anyone suspect she was murdered?
Scene 2: INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – MORNING
Action: Cynthia Bardot (Cyn) is on the job photographing a crime scene.
Clue: A similar crime scene to Ava’s.
Twist: Cyn is a professional forensic photographer who abuses medications.
Scene 3: INT. CYN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Action: Cyn and her male co-worker get drunk and have pornographic sex.
Betrayal: Cyn’s romantic partner was on the scene earlier, didn’t stick up for her.
Reveal: Cyn is attracted to abusive men.
Scene 4: INT. CYN’S APARTMENT – LATER
Action: Cyn is woken by a phone call from her sister Jules (Julia Bardot) letting her know their mother has died and Cyn is executor of the will.
Mystery: Why did their mother make Cyn executor of the will?
Misdirection: Jules needs Cyn to execute the will.
Scene 5: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Action: Jules gets off the phone and her boyfriend Xander comforts her.
Mystery: Who is Xander? We don’t see his face.
Clue/Misdirection: Jules works at a hospital, based on her uniform.
Intrigue: Jules is jealous of Cyn.
Scene 6: INT. BRUTAL CRIME SCENE – AFTERNOON
Action: Cyn shows up to work stumbling drunk, disrupts the crime scene, and is sent to meet with her superior.
Suspense: Will Cyn outlive her addictions long enough to be the hero?
Scene 7: INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE – LATER
Action: Cyn is given an ultimatum – go home and handle her business or lose her job.
Trust: She has people on her side if she would choose not to alienate them.
Scene 8: INT. CYN’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Action: Cyn getting drunk watching home movies.
Reveal: A boy in the home movies is Cyn and Jules’ brother who went missing.
Scene 8a: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – A DREAM – NIGHT
Action: Cyn dreaming (or turn this into a flashback), remembering her mother’s depression after her brother’s disappearance, discussion with police, her parents arguing and their divorce.
Misdirection: Her brother suspected runaway?
Scene 9: INT. CYN’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Action: Cyn wakes up passed out on the floor in front of the TV. She calls her therapist for refills of her meds so she can travel home.
Scene 10: AIRCRAFT – NIGHT
Action: Cyn flying home from LA to VT. Terrible snow storm, can’t land until runway is cleared. Cyn drinks her face off, because she thinks she’s going to die. Talk about Alex with a person sitting next to her she knows from high school.
Suspense: Will the plane crash or land safely?
Reveal: Alex cheated on Cyn while they were dating.
Scene 10a: INT. HARDWARE STORE – SAME
Action: Alex in a hardware store uniform trying to sign people up for the store credit card.
Clue: This is Alex’s scam, to get peoples’ credit info.
Clue: The name tag has another name on it.
Scene 10b: INT. HOSPITAL – SAME
Action: Jules treating patients, injecting fluids, etc.
Misdirection: Jules is a potential killer
Scene 11: INT. BURLINGTON AIRPORT – LATER
Action: Cyn, a tipsy, gets her bags and calls Jules. Where is she? Cyn can’t rent a car because she’s drunk. She takes a shuttle to a hotel.
Betrayal: Jules was supposed to pick Cyn up at the airport.
Intrigue: Is Jules telling the truth?
Suspense: Icy roads.
Scene 12: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – MORNING
Action: Cyn shows up in her 4 WD rental car. She goes right in, the door is unlocked. Because she is a forensic photographer, Cyn decides to photograph the room her mother died in.
Suspense: Cyn uncovering clues.
Misdirection: Empty vial of insulin points towards Jules, the one with access to meds.
Twist: Jules comes home from work and finds Cyn there.
Mystery: Why is their mother’s death bed still intact? Why is there an empty vial of insulin when their mother wasn’t diabetic?
Scene 12a: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY
Action: Show relationship between Cyn and Jules. Give the audience a clue that Jules is a Red Herring.
Scene 13: INT. GENE’S HOUSE – LATER
Action: Cyn is looking for her dad Gene, but he’s not home. She meets her step-mother Carly for the first time.
Twist: Cyn wants to hate Carly but likes her.
Trust: Cyn is drawn in by Carly’s professionalism.
Clue: Photo on Carly’s desk. Similarities between missing brother and dead son.
Clue: Cyn thinks she recognizes Carly from when she was a kid. A birthday party?
Intrigue: Carly says she’s never met her before.
Scene 14: INT. LAWYER’S OFFICE – LATER
Action: Cyn executes her mother’s will.
Betrayal: Cyn didn’t need to come home for the will.
Twist: Instead of a grand inheritance, Cyn receives a letter from her mother.
Reveal: What does Mom say in the letter?
Scene 15: INT. SHITTY DIVE BAR – NIGHT
Action: Cyn finds Alex to party with.
Mystery: Cyn still meets up with Alex when she has a rocky history with him?
Trust: Cyn meets up with her old flame Alex getting exactly what she expected from him.
Intrigue: She doesn’t tell Alex how little her mother left her.
Scene 15a: INT. ALEX’S APARTMENT – LATER
Action: Cyn and Alex have sex.
Reveal: Credit cards with different names on them.
Misdirection: Alex doesn’t need Cyn’s money, because he’s doing well on his own.
Reveal: STD Alex gave Cyn in high school.
Scene 16: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – DAY
Action: Cyn has a gun, she doesn’t know where she got it from.
Intrigue: Is this part of the villain’s broader plan?
Clue: Empty vial of insulin on her nightstand; she didn’t put it there.
Scene 17: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Action: Jules is making herself breakfast. Cyn confronts her with an empty vial of insulin, suspecting she used it to kill their mother.
Suspense: Cyn thinks Jules will use the cooking knife against her.
Twist: Jules had no motive to murder their mother.
Reveal: Jules already got her inheritance, a lot more than Cyn.
Reveal: Their mother’s past Cyn didn’t know about. Jewelry in the safe.
Mystery: Who/where is Xander, the only other person with access and motive to murder their mother?
Scene 18: EXT. POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Action: Cyn and Jules try and get the police to investigate their mother’s murder.
Betrayal: Alex spying on Cyn and Jules.
Suspense: What does he have to do with this? Who did he call?
Scene 18a: INT. GENE’S HOUSE – DAY
Action: Cyn goes to her father’s house. He’s not there. She chats with Carly.
Twist: Cyn turns down meds.
Trust: Cyn giving up secrets to her step-mother.
Suspense: Cyn is afraid, because she doesn’t know who or where Xander is.
Reveal: Police don’t know who Xander is – he doesn’t exist on paper.
Intrigue: Carly gives her a prescription note in case Cyn decides she needs it.
Mystery: Where is her father?
Scene 18b: INT. PHARMACY – LATER
Action: Cyn drops of prescription, just in case.
Scene 19: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – LATER
Action: Jules is gone. Cyn tries not to drink. Alex comes over and drugs her.
Intrigue: Where is Jules? Did she go somewhere with Xander?
Clue: Picture of Cyn’s parents with her step-mother when they were all teenagers. Printed on the back reads “Ava, Gene, and Tracy (Carly by a different name).”
Misdirection: Alex says she didn’t get the gun from him.
Betrayal: Alex drugs Cyn.
Betrayal: Carly knew her parents. She changed her name?
Scene 20: EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Action: Alex dragging a passed out Cyn and rolling her over the bank outside her mother’s house.
Suspense: Is she dead?
Scene 20a: EXT. WOODS – LATER
Action: Jules follows drag/roll marks to find Cyn.
Trust: Jules saved her from hypothermia.
Intrigue: Jules passes Xander’s vehicle leaving just as she is getting home.
Suspense: Drag/roll marks.
Mystery: Alex drugged and dropped Cyn, but he leaves in the vehicle Jules believes belongs to Xander.
Scene 21: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – MORNING
Action: Cyn wakes up, Jules is there. They talk about where Jules went and what happened to Cyn.
Reveal: Jules went to get an abortion.
Reveal: They figure out Xander and Alex are the same person – they’ve simultaneously been dating him.
Mystery: Why was he dating both of them? What do they have that he wants?
Scene 21a: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY
Action: Cyn checks her messages and has one from the pharmacy.
Clue: Problem with prescriber’s DEA registration number.
Mystery: Is Carly hiding more than Cyn realizes?
Trust: Conversation with Jules
Scene 22: INT. GENE’S HOUSE – LATER
Action: Jules is looking for her father. No one is home. She uses her key to get in.
Twist: She finds her father’s dead body.
Suspense: Carly is a killer.
Scene 23: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – LATER
Action: Jules rushes home. She enters quietly and finds Alex/Xander in the room with Cyn. There is a confrontation.
Twist: The safe is empty.
Suspense: How will Jules save Cyn?
Scene 24: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – LATER
Action: Jules surprises Alex and restrains him. Cyn is feeling better, but still not top notch. Carly shows up.
Clue: Carly wearing jewelry from the safe.
Betrayal: Cyn told Carly her secrets. Now she’s here.
Intrigue: Carly has a key.
Mystery: Did Carly murder Ava?
Twist: Cyn shoots Carly
Misdirection: Jules hides in an attempt to surprise Carly.
Scene 25: INT. AVA’S HOUSE – LATER
Intrigue: Carly and Alex are aliases. They don’t legally exist.
Twist: Cyn and Jules are victorious over Carly and Alex.
Suspense: Will they get away with it?
Reveal: Oxygen tanks blow.
-
David’s Thriller Map Version 2
Having a critique by fresh eyes exposed plot points that should have been included in an abbreviated version. It’s needed backstory. I added parts of the treatment I had left out for more clarity and some color
TREASURES OF THE SANTA ELENA
It’s the story of a bullied, eighteen-year-old who must solve the mystery of a treasure map, or his family will be killed by a Cult of psychopaths descended from the Spanish Inquisition.
THRILLER MAP 2
FADE IN
ON SCREEN
1798 TAMPICO MEXICO
THE FORT OF THE SPANISH INQUISITION
followed by
THE INQUISITION NEEDS GOLD.
THEIR LAST CHANCE TO REESTABLISH
THEIR TERROR OF THE LAST
300 YEARS.
S1. INT-1790, GOLD ROOM-DAY
A dozen or so emaciated Indian bodies are stacked in a corner. No! Three are still alive. They are staring at…
… a black-robed Spanish Inquisitor Priest gorging himself at a table. He looks at the Indians. Blesses a bone and throws it at the Indians. Two have enough strength to reach for it, but are too weak to fight for it. The third looks, gives up, lies down and dies.
The view continues around until…
The Gold Room. Gleaming with shining gold, piles of precious stone. All stolen from slaughtered Aztecs. Carrying loads out the door to THE SANTA ELENA. A magnificent galleon with beaten Indians loading it with treasure.
The SPANISH CAPTAIN is talking to his FRIEND. He is showing him his new sword. Toledo steel. The best in the world. The golden, jeweled hilt is gleaming and sparkling. He is boasting that, back in Spain, the sword will be in his family for generations.
S3. EXT-DECK SANTA ELENA-DAY
The Santa Elena in a storm. Rigging falling, masts gone, decks awash, sailors panicking. Pitching and rolling. Thunder, lightning, St. Elmo’s fire all over. The Inquisitor Navigator stumbles on deck holding his maps and instruments. The captain’s Friend is tangled in rigging. The Inquisitor Navigator kicks him out of the way and enters a lifeboat. The Spanish Captain leaves the lifeboat and tries to cut his friend loose with his golden sword. More rigging falls, trapping them. The lifeboat pulls away, loaded with sailors and Inquisitors.
A wave washes over the screen. It recedes and the Santa Elena is deeper in the water.
A wave washes over the screen. It recedes and the Santa Elena is deeper in the water.
A wave washes over the screen. It recedes and …
S4. EXT-A GULF OIL RIG-DAY.
…The rig is on fire. Smoke, fire, gouts of flame. Men are rushing down the stairs to…
…two trawlers are near the rig. One is loading survivors. The other is standing off as backup. All the people are off the rig and both boats pull away.
One last person appears on the stairs. The empty boat turns back and just as the survivor enters it. The rig EXPLODES in flames.
S5. INT-PAUL’S ROOM-DAY
Paul – “DAD!”.
Paul, a reasonably good-looking 18-year-old, is looking at a video newscast of the rig explosion that killed his father.
His mother enters and tells him he has getting obsessive and spending too much time indoors and reading. Tells him to see his parish priest tomorrow morning.”. Paul agrees.
S6. EXT-CHURCH-NIGHT
Two men get out of a car. Dressed in hoods and robes. One guards the door. The GRAND INQUISITOR walks into the church and …
S7. INT-CHURCH-NIGHT
.. is greeted by a SURPRISED PRIEST. Priest asks, “Which order?”. Grand Inquisitor responds, he belongs to “Tribunal del Santo Oficio de la Inquisición.”. Priest thinks – “Wasn’t that the Spanish inquisition?”, ”It was indeed.” and then stabs the Priest.
More hooded, black-robed Cultists stalk in. They begin chanting. They pick up the dead Priest and put him on the altar as a sacrifice in their bloody ritual to annoint the new Grand Inquisitor. They turn to the man who stabbed the Priest and intone; “Hail to the new Grand Inquisitor”.
An imposing figure in hood and robe, wearing a gold chain now enters. All turn toward him and bow.
The degenerate remnants of the shipwrecked Inquisitors have descended to a Cult of barbaric, cunning monsters.
S8. EXT-CHURCH-DAY
Paul tries to enter the church, now surrounded by police. He is let into church to be questioned and sees Priest, dead on altar. Sees a cap like his Uncle Jack wears in evidence bag.
S9. EXT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY
Paul bangs on the door – walks in …
S10. INT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY
… walks in. Yells, “There’s been a murder.”. Sees a ransacked house and blood all over.
S12. EXT-SCHOOL STEPS-DAY
Paul is walking up the steps. He sees a new girl, SANDY, cute as a button, drive up and park. They quickly find out each are smart, like to read and are simpatico.
S13. INT- SCHOOL LIBRARY– NIGHT
A typical HS library. Third floor. Bookshelves, a few tables and chairs, desk lamps. Paul is studying in the library. Suddenly, the lights go out. He swears and shuts the books. Walks out …
S14. INT-HALL AND STAIRS-NIGHT
… into hall. Irritated. Hears a faint noise and pauses. Shrugs, starts again. Reaches the elevator and pushes the button. Nothing. Another sound, louder. “Who’s there?”. A flitting shape, just at the corner of his vision. Paul is scared. Reaches bottom – relieved.
S15. INT-FOYER-NIGHT
Outside door slams open. SANTOS, Paul’s nemesis since first year, moves in and punches Paul in the gut. Paul doubles over. Then he demands Paul; “Tell me the secret.” Over and over. Getting angry he pulls a knife. His buddies object. They all leave. Paul picks himself up and staggers out.
S17. EXT-SCHOOL STEPS-DAY
Paul is walking up the steps with Sandy, very close. Paul looks back and sees a MAN who looks like an ex-boxer who had too many fights, duck around the corner.
S19. EXT/INT-JACK’S BOAT AT PIER-DAY
Paul climbs aboard jack’s boat. There is a terrarium with a large tarantula in it. Paul gets as far away from it as possible. There is fear on his face. He never takes his eyes off it as he does chores. As he steps back on the pier the Man is seen, concealed behind a piling.
S20. EXT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY
Paul walks up to Jack’s door, opens it. Sees a gun on the table. Paul turns to escape and runs into the Man. Paul gets roughly pushed inside…
S21. INT-UNCLE JACK’S HOUSE-DAY
…and he grabs the gun. A hand grabs his wrist and Paul looks up at a wizened old man. “Uncle jack! I thought you were dead.”. The man following Paul is LENNY. Jack pretended to die when the priest was killed, because Jack was afraid for his life. “We have powerful enemies. I need to tell you a story your father would have told you when you were old enough.”…
… “and that’s the story of the wreck of the Santa Elena. We have all the records and a map of where the wreck went down. Some of those inquisitors survived. They bred, despite their vow of chastity, because they had a blood-lust to find the treasure and stop anyone else from getting it. They formed a Cult that’s been trying to stop our family from searching for nigh on two-hunderd years.”
Paul asks, “how did you get a map?”. Jack responds, “that ain’t a picture I’m proud of. We killed the navigator when we found him and stole the map.”
Paul. “Are these longitude and latitude? Why haven’t you found the wreck? You’ve certainly looked.”.
Jack. “We didn’t have the diving gear good enough. We didn’t have GPSs. When we did, we still couldn’t find it. Wrecks sink. How good is the map? Navigation was primitive in 1798.”
S30. INT- SCHOOL LIBRARY– DAY
Paul is reading with books open on the table. He starts up. Begins flipping through the books looking for something. He rushes out.
S31. INT-JACK’S HOUSE-DAY
Paul is explaining to Jack and Lenny that the Santa Elena went down before countries agreed on a Zero line, a Meridian, for longitude. Before that each country used its Zero through its capitol city. They agree it’s plausible, but they want to check it.
S32. INT-MARINE STATION-DAY
Paul and his group are talking to JASON a marine archeologist. He says it is possible.
S36. EXT-JACKS BOAT AT SEA-DAY
Paul’s group is ready to sail, but they must evade the present-day Cult descended from the original shipwrecked inquisitors. The Cult has them under surveillance. Paul sabotages the Cult’s Boat. The group leaves port at night and slips past the Cult. They dive for days, but do not find any treasure. They are threatened by sharks. They return, exhausted. How was Paul wrong?
S37. INT-BAR-NIGHT
The team breaks up. The group is angry at Paul for wasting their time. They start calling each other names. They tell Paul his books are useless and that he’s dumb, can’t do anything right.
S41. EXT-JACK’S BOAT PIER-NIGHT
Paul is miserably walking toward the boat. He sees a cap on the ground and recognizes it as Jack’s new cap. He looks puzzled for a second and then rushes off.
S42. INT-PAUL’S HOUSE-NIGHT
Paul acts to rescue Jack. He shows Lenny the cap and both realize that Jack has been kidnapped by the Cult.
S45. EXT-CULT HOUSE BAYOU-NIGHT
Spooky, dark, old and overgrown. Lenny approaches with the shotgun and Paul apparently tied. Paul is begging and pleading to be let go. They find Jack. They capture the Grand Inquisitor and free Jack. As they leave, they are ambushed by the Cultists and captured. Paul pulls the gun concealed in Lenny’s belt and holds it against the Inquisitors head. He doesn’t know how to use it, but bluffs the Cultists.
S47. INT-PAUL’S BEDROOM-NIGHT
Paul is quietly sleeping. The Grand Inquisitor creeps up to Paul. He raises the knife and plunges it into Paul’s chest. Blood spurts up into the Inquisitor’s face, and Paul jerks up in bed, yelling after his dream. Suddenly, he jumps out of bed and rushes to books piled on his desk. Frantically, he opens one, then another until he finds what he is looking for. “YES!!”.
S48. INT-PAUL’S HOUSE-DAY
Paul is telling Lenny and Jack his new solution to the map’s secret. Paul realizes the Santa Elena belonged to the Inquisition and they used a Meridian through their chapter house in Seville. They agree to go back to ask Jason if the new solution is plausible. Also, they realize they need another diver and agree to ask Jason to join them.
S50. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY
The group starts their second voyage. They chose a time to sneak out. As they leave, the camera focuses under the deck on a blinking device. The Cult has planted a tracker.
S54. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY
Several days have passed. The men are tired, dirty and exhausted. Most of the search squares have been checked off. They are looking defeated and disbelieving. Jason and Lenny begin another dive. Paul and Jack see the Cult’s boat approaching.
S55. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY
The Cult and Paul’s team go boat-to-boat and hand-to-hand in a battle to the death. The Cult attacks while the divers are below. They pour blood into the water to attract sharks.
Carlos, a Cultist, boards Jack’s boat. He is armed and bigger than Paul. Paul overcomes his fears of spider. Paul picks up the spider and throws it at Carlos who jumps overboard. Iago, still on the Cult’s boat, has to pick his brother up. Paul fires a flare gun into the nets on the Cult’s boat and starts a fire.
The Coast Guard sees the smoke and a helicopter and cutter approach. The Grand Inquisitor knows he has lost. He pours blood on his head and jumps to the sharks. The Cult is defeated. The divers are rescued.
S56. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY
Hours later. The group is sitting around, exhausted. All except Paul want to give up. Paul sees the tarantula under a net. Paul picks up the spider and puts it back in its cage. All remember Paul’s terror of spiders. They are shamed and agree to one last dive.
S57. EXT-UNDERWATER-DAY
Jason and Lenny are on the bottom. They are raking the sand looking for old rigging. Jason gestures they are almost out of air and to surface. Suddenly Lenny’s rake catches in some ropes. He pulls and the rigging comes up from the sand in a line and at the end is the golden hilt of the Spanish Captain’s sword, glittering in the dim light.
S58. EXT-JACK’S BOAT AT SEA-DAY
Jason drugs Lenny and Jack. Jason pulls a gun and tells Paul he is a Cultist sent to study marine archeology to help the Cult find the treasure. He is going to kill them all, but needs them alive for the moment. Paul head butts him overboard, but gets shot. He can’t help Jason when the sharks attack him. Paul manages to reach the helm and steer the boat toward port.
S59. INT-SCHOOL LIBRARY-DAY
The Principal reveals himself. He was the brains behind the Grand Inquisitor. He only wanted the money. Now, the Principal wants revenge.
He is going to burn the library with Paul and Sandy in it. He closed the valve to the library sprinklers. He starts to pour gasoline under the door. Paul rescues them by igniting the gas as it begins to ooze into the room. It catches the gas-soaked mat outside and explodes in the hall where the principal is pouring it. He burns. The hall sprinklers still work.
FADE OUT
Log in to reply.