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Day 15 Assignment
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Matthew Frendo’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this assignment was how to elevate and improve scenes during the outline stage. This did help me make some scenes, including the ending, much stronger and more original.
1. Opening Host gives intro into the event and starts naming selections. The third selection walks up nervously, then pulls out a grenade that explodes for the rebels. The show cuts out, then cuts back with the only survivors now the contestants. The group also includes Nick, Jocelyn, a high tech cellmate of Nick’s named Tweaker, an ex-corrupt cop named Stan, the gangster whose brother Stan killed named Cigarette and a bitter girl Becky. Alicia mentions how the rebels are a nuisance.
ALICIA’S INTRO – SEQUENCE
They describe her as a troubled girl who killed her important government figure father as a mere teen and has been locked away since.
INT. PASSAGE TO FIRST ROOM – DAY
Prisoners decide not to do it and don’t want to risk their lives. Jocelyn tries to talk them into it, with Nick reminding everyone that there can be only one winner. Alicia agrees with Nick.
2. Inciting Incident. The prisoners’ loved ones are kept in a cage with a bomb…and if they don’t go through the challenges quickly enough, the bomb goes off.INT. ROOM ONE – DAY
The group can’t work together and all get hurt a bit. Alicia saves a girl named Jocelyn at the last minute, but was annoyed by it. Nick talks about how all a person can count on are themselves. Alicia agrees.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about. First person dies horribly in event after losing their challenge, setting things in motion.INT. ROOM TWO – DAY
They get into second room and learn to work together to survive. Alicia decides to work with others, like Jocelyn suggests, to survive. Nick refuses to, saying there can only be one winner. Becky agrees. Nick ends up helping reluctantly, when it gets too much. Becky doesn’t. After Alicia helps her, Jocelyn hits her with constant questions and talks incessantly, making Alicia annoyed.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1 Games are disrupted by explosion. They are all is pulled into fake room off camera and find out Jocelyn is there as part of a resistance. They can’t tell anyone or the authorities will kill them all, so now they almost have to help her. That’s why she’s been asking questions.While this is happening, the broadcast focuses on an old winner of the games, who killed four fellow prisoners to win. He talks about his new, fantastic life and how much the SM voters helped him become a better man. He even thanks them for the torturous challenges.
Alicia starts to see her sister in Jocelyn due to her idealistic enthusiasm. Before she can get far, Nick reminds her what the rebels have done with violence.
INT. HALLWAY TO NEXT ROOM – DAY
Stan wants to tell the authorities anyway, hoping they will let them live, but is talked out of it by past actions. Still, he’s pissed.
INT. ROOM THREE – DAY
They get through the game, but Alicia almost dies. Jocelyn saves her, which angers Alicia. Jocelyn says same idealistic stuff her sister did.
Stan and Cigarette start getting into a brawl, with Cigarette pulling a gun on Stan. Everyone else pulls on him, knowing they’ll need each other to survive.
INT. ROOM FOUR – DAY
Jocelyn is injured before rebels cause disruption, Jocelyn and Alicia talk, with Jocelyn saying what they did to her family and why she is ready to sacrifice herself. Alicia realizes her father was the type to do that thing to Jocelyn’s family. We find out how hard Alicia’s life has been and what she’s had to do to survive. She doesn’t believe in anything good anymore. Jocelyn disagrees.
5. Mid-Point Young innocent Jocelyn is killed in the contest after Nick forces it to save the rest of them…and the rebel leaders makes sure the audience sees it in horrifying detail. Alicia almost dies herself trying to save her and is saved by Nick.INT. ROOM FIVE – DAY
Alicia is sad and starts siding with Nick, who just wants to win and get out of there. They make deal to survive and escape using his contacts. Becky ends up dying to save Tweaker and the rest, dying happier than she ever lived and doing things good for once.
Then Alicia has a chance to break transmission for the rebels, taking over Jocelyn’s place. She tries, with Nick ruining it secretly. Nick secretly kills Tweaker, who was helping her. (He’s doing it so everyone sees him and Alicia die, to help rebel cause). The room comes down, with Stan sacrificing himself for Cigarette.
Alicia is in her room, but Nick won’t help her. She’s about to die, when the rebels take out electricity.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2. Rebels take down games and transmission altogether by wiping out power in whole city. Chaos begins as the revolution is now underway. Cigarette dies in the carnage.INT. BLOWN HALLWAY – NIGHT
Nick is ready to leave out the hallway with Alicia. Alicia looks and sees Jocelyn’s mother in the room to explode. They are confronted by the old hero of the show. Turns out he’s a sad drunk who regrets everything he did. He kills himself in front of them. Without the break in transmission, the only way for Alicia to finish it for Jocelyn is to go the other way. Then Nick tells her that he is part of rebels and that the real plan was to let Jocelyn and then her (because the audience loved her) die on screen to help rebel cause.
7. Crisis. Alicia has a choice: she can help the rebels (and save Jocelyn’s mother like she promised) or escape with her own life.INT. BLOWN HALLWAY – NIGHT
After finding out Nick was there to make sure the rebels win by sacrificing Jocelyn on camera, she kills hm and goes to save Jocelyn’s mother.
INT. BOMB ROOM – NIGHT
Alicia is about to get hostages out, when the room explodes early.
INT. SIDE ROOM – NIGHT
Jocelyn’s friends pull Alicia into side room and tell her where the rebel leaders are taking over the old authority. Jocelyn’s friends pull a hurt Alicia into side room and tell her where the rebel leaders are taking over the old authority. They are unhappy, having not been in on the plan with Jocelyn. Alicia goes after the authority for killing everyone in the room, who blew the room when the rebels invaded.
INT. FIRST ROOM OF GAMES – NIGHT
The rebel leaders meet the old authority here, with the plan to put them into the games…and then they start making a deal to share power.
8. Climax Alicia finds the people who put here there and rebel leaders who let Jocelyn die making a deal in the first challenge room. She walks in. They offer her a great life to join them and keep quiet. They want to make her a hero that everyone will love and their mascot-type. She shows them that the cameras are on, and the world is watching. Then she locks them in the first punishment room and social media starts voting on what they will go through.
9. Resolution She leaves the challenges as the only survivor…and a hero to the people. -
June Fortunato’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate for Retirement
What I learned doing this is…?” I found that I had notes from several days, and this exercise
encouraged me to compile my timeline- which is especially helpful.
These are notes for scenes reading in REVERSE ORDER
1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on
those so we know what you’ve discovered.
*The marilyn relative lockout- Still needs thought. It comes out of nowhere.
*Crisis- Roy doesn’t go to commit suicide, but he is mentally lost and doesn’t know what to do.
When Kim is there, he begs her to be with him.
* Bellevue night- they crash there and bring the pets because it’s way more fun. They get caught,
but this time- they have a place to go. Then scene proceeds as planned.
* When Kim visits Marilyn and does her hair, etc, ADD SCENE /moments when Kim admits
that she’s the one who caused Marilyn’s demise. She expects to be thrown out and vilified and
starts to leave. Instead, after initial shock, Marilyn accepts Kim for who she is. The moment is
cathartic. She has never been accepted by anyone else but Roy.
* 32 Suzy takes her break and shows Roy the ropes to take care of Marilyn’s home. This one is a
serious stretch of credibility-
27) Suzy stops by Marilyn’s house and it’s trashed. Find a different way to fix this.
Kim’s brother must create more of a problem- ADD SCENES.
Improve: Suzy grabs the kid by the ear and makes him clean up the mess while she watches.
2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a
paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
*Last scene- Roy and Kim sneak Marilyn out of hospice for a home visit with Suzy’s help.
*Last scene -Marilyn suggests that Roy and Kim should get married which freezes them in their
tracks.
*Resolution- swap order to get deed to house so that Marilyn visits home first.
* Marilyn is moved to hospice. ADD a minister visits daily and this is when she talks to him/her
about marrying Roy and Kim.
*The tour sequence: Kim does Marilyn’s hair & nails etc. ADD they take her out on wheelchair
strolls and get her into some exciting mischief.
* Film crew pyrotech- Will add scenes to demonstrate that Roy is excellent at this, and that he’s
well liked. But also, feels incredibly uncomfortable getting too close- and his fear of losing them
overwhelms him.
*41a Roy collapses on the street and people step over him. NEEDS A FOLLOW UP scene.
33) Kim takes up residence on Roy’s balcony but her loud self-talk gets her caught. She ends up
in an underground car park.
31) Roy wanders the beach looking for Kim. He needs to encounter someone- and also do
something crazy here.
19c ADD SCENE Kim must find a way to compensate the fired parking attendant (she
inadvertently got him/her fired)
19a) Add images/clips of Kim acting in the dark theatre. We must know that this is where her
heart always was.
38 Day 15 Flag scenes to solve/elevate 2022 0303
2
6a) Suzy speaks with legal rep to help Roy- (Legal rep is attracted to Suzy)
3. Start with the easiest and improve one at a time, working your way to the more difficult areas.
4. At the conclusion of 48 hours, post your improved outline.
Improved Outline for Retirement
Opening
EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – LATE AFTERNOON
Fade In
1) Roy waits for hours outdoors for his girl, Suzy, to calm
down/his girl has moved out.
INT. SUZY’S RENTAL-EVENING
(Set up for Suzy and also that she knows about his medal of
honor. Set up for Kim finding it, too.)
2) Roy enters the empty house – drinks from his stashed booze
bottles, and sleeps in a hallway.
Purpose: Roy has hidden something from his ex. Selection:
Behind the refrigerator, Roy has a private stash box with a
whole chocolate cake, salty junk food, bottle of booze, small
bag of pot and something medal with a ribbon, wrapped in an
old towel.
*Solution: Roy discovers that Suzy found his stash. She has
left a note.
INT./EXT. SUZY’S RENTAL – EARLY MORNING
3) Landlord & cleaning crew arrive/Roy hides in the bathroom,
gathers hidden hand tools, escapes out of the window and
jacks the cleaning crew’s van, which he deliberately smashes
into a WAWA to get a free bed (aka jail) He’s arrested.
INT. JAIL HOLDING CELL- EARLY AFTERNOON
4) In jail / the holding cell/ he protects a teen from the
thugs in the cell. They find the food rancid, and together
smash it all over the floor and slide around.
5) Fearful that he’ll be forced to eat it anyway, and knowing
that the thugs who share the cell will pummel him, he stuffs
the food into the toilet and clogs it.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EVENING
6) In the hospital, in traction- his ex, Suzy, who’s a nurse
finds him.
2.
Her first line is: “There’s the guy who owes me $1500.” She
makes sure that the person who’ll bathe Roy isn’t gentle, but
on the other hand she hooks him up with a pro-bono lawyer.
6aa) Doctors speak to Suzy and Roy. His condition is failing.
6b) Doctors talk to Suzy and Roy. His condition is failing
and he cannot live the rough life anymore.
Purpose: his body is falling apart and he must stop living
the life of adventure. Why?
Selection: Viet Nam exposed him to fuels and his rough life
is causing Respiratory, headaches, dizziness, sleep
disorders.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – MORNING
*6a) Suzy speaks with a legal rep/lawyer.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – MORNING
She introduces her to Roy by saying, “This is the man who’s
going to save your behind.” From there, the lawyer speaks
with Roy. She tells Roy that she’s hooked him up with a
lawyer to help him settle his debts- including the $1500. he
owes her. Payoff 2
Improve: Legal person is attracted to Suzy.
Inciting Incident(s) for Roy and Kim Sequence
6c) While: Kim is in the hospital recovering from a fractured
hip. She and Roy meet in the hallway. It’s kismet. Roy
decides to stay as long as possible. Needed pins. Pushed
down a staircase is an event that happened in my family’s
history.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- OSTEO UNIT – WEEKS LATER – LATE
AFTERNOON
7) Roy seeks Kim and overhears Kim in an argument with her
brother (a high-up muckety muck in the city) and her
brother’s wife. They argue that they will deny Kim’s claim
that they shot her, and tell everyone that it was selfinflicted,
and get her locked up. Kim is paralyzed with fear
and anger. They have done this before.
7a) Roy interferes by saying that he and Kim are required in
physical therapy. He grabs her clothes and whisks her out.
Kim slips away and heads to a restroom.
3.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – OSTEO UNIT – CONTINUOUS
Roy waits a bit, but when the parents storm out of the room,
he diverts them to the OR, stating that Kim collapsed and
they wheeled her out. They follow his directions.
8) Kim slips out of the restroom, fully dressed, grabs
someone’s keys from the nurse’s station and takes off. Setup
2
9) Later, Roy looks for Kim but she is gone.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – LATER
Instead, he’s confronted by his ex, Suzy, whose keys were
stolen. She searches his room, but he’s clearly unaware of
the circumstances.
INT. COURTROOM – MORNING
10) The court learns that Roy declared himself dead and
therefore, he hasn’t been collecting his SSI, Veteran’s
benefits and Medal of Honor pay boost. The amount is
significant. The lawyer has somehow miraculously figured out
how to correct that situation- but Roy is indigent, and if he
wants to ‘stay alive’ he has to get a bank account and to do
that- a permanent address. His bills for the van, wawa,
hospital and to his ex are paid- but future benefits come
with the bank/home criteria. He’s also told that his body
cannot take the rough life for much longer. Nonetheless, they
are asking him to change who he is- his whole way of beinghis
identity. That’s a hard nut to swallow. He’s wheeled back
to the hospital, where he looks for Kim but she’s gone.
End of first 10 pages
INT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
11) Kim parks the ex’s Suzy’s car in a garage, (Set up 4) and
INT. BOUTIQUE – CONTINUOUS
Kim heads into a boutique. She chats with an older woman
(Marilyn) in the next changing booth-and advises on style,
etc- and brings clothes for her some of which she keeps for
herself by slipping them under her street clothes.
4.
She also swaps the woman’s car-park ticket with her own. (Set
up 3-car)
INT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS
12) Kim gets the really nice car and finds good things
including a gym pass all of which she takes.
13) The lady in the dressing room, Marilyn, goes to the car
park and gets Suzy’s car instead. (Pay off 3) She worries
that her pets are home and need to be cared for. Instead,
police are called to file a report and she is greatly
delayed. (set up)
EXT/INT. MARILYN’S CAR & STREETS- CONTINUOUS
14) SWAP 17.) Kim drives Marilyn’s car to the city park.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN – CONTINUOUS
There’s a small cabin near a cliff. She pulls up and stares.
There are people inside, so she drives away.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – EVENING
15) Roy’s ex, Suzy, gets a call that her car was found.
(payoff 2A) Roy’s still in hospital garb and smiles sweetly.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – EVENING
16) The lady, Marilyn, finally gets home to her townhouse and
her pets are frantic. (payoff 4) One trips her so she breaks
a hip. (setup) While waiting for an ambulance, she calls a
neighbor to petsit but she worries about the reliability of
the kid. She speaks at length to the parent/her neighbor…
several times.
The neighbor teen has an attitude and doesn’t pay attention
to Marilyn when she describes what to do. The teen also might
get into trouble- with booze or leaving the place unlocked.
Marilyn feels panicked but doesn’t have much time. She calls
the teen’s mom who doesn’t get involved. Then she’s whisked
away by an ambulance. “Lock the door! Please, please feed and
pet my dogs and walk them. “
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – POOL- EVENING
17) SWAPPED 14) Kim is in a fancy gym/club, sitting by the
swimming pool talking loudly to herself.
5.
What Kim stole. Purpose- she’s just had a traumatic
experience and she’s milking something she stole.
I have changed the order of the scenes for a greater impact.
INT. PARKING GARAGE – EVENING
17a) She speaks loudly to herself- and her better self
decides to return the car to the car park where she stole it.
“You had your fun, Kim. That lady was nice. She didn’t
deserve this any more than you deserved what happened to you.
Put it back.”
17b) She parks and walks away.
EXT. THEATRE – NIGHT
17c) She enters the stage entrance of a theatre
INT. THEATRE – CONTINUOUS
and finds a good place to hide in the dressing rooms for the
night. Later, when the theatre is empty she indulges in the
snack bar food and booze. She finds plays and reads them
aloud.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT – EARLY MORNING
18) Roy is released from the hospital with a reminder to get
a bank account/permanent place by 6 weeks time.
EXT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – CONTINUOUS
18a) A box of hot baguettes delivered to the Bellevue hotel
catch his eye. He grabs one before anyone notices.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- CONTINUOUS
18b) Clean and in the suit given to him for court, he wanders
into the Bellevue hotel and finds his way to an unused aprontype
balcony overlooking one of the meeting rooms. Excellent.
He gets to listen to the meetings, and later, after everyone
leaves, to grab food from the break tables set along the
walls. He even gets a couple of bottles of open wine. High
times.
6.
INT. THEATRE – MORNING
19) Kim: The theatre is ‘dark’ as in no shows, so Kim is
having a blast dressing in costumes and reading scripts aloud
on the stage- acting all of the parts.
Improve: 19aa) Add images/clips of Kim acting in the “dark”
theatre. We must know that this is where her heart always
was.
When people enter a couple of days later, she makes a hasty
retreat- still wearing an Edwardian costume and grabbing her
street clothes.
EXT. PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
She passes the car park on her way out and overhears
INT./EXT. – PARKING GARAGE – MORNING
19a) The car park attendant calls Marilyn. Horribly
embarrassed, he says that Marilyn’s car was there all along.
He apologizes profusely. He doesn’t know how that could’ve
happened. Then he turns in his uniform. He’s been fired.
19b) Improve 19c ADD SCENE Kim must find a way to compensate
the fired parking attendant (she inadvertently got him/her
fired)
19c) Kim loudly criticizes herself and compares herself to
her brother, and curses herself- stating that she’s a
horrific person, no better than her brother- etc.
Cut back and forth between Roy and Kim’s actions.
20) Roy goes to a bank but can’t get an account.
INT. BUS – AFTERNOON
21) Kim takes a bus to the same place where she drove- the
edge of the city park.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN- AFTERNOON
She stares at the cabin. There’s a cliff below it. She goes
to the edge of the cliff and contemplates. Then she turns
angrily, and yanks out all of the flowers around the cabin.
She smashes a window. She blames them and vows to be a better
person. I will not be like you!
7.
INT. BUS- CONTINUOUS
21a) Then she gets on a bus and heads back to center city.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING- AFTERNOON
22) Roy tries to secure an apartment but without money to
deposit he’s rejected.
22a) When the rental agent leaves, he sneaks in and grabs the
firehose, makes a noose and hangs it outside over the
entrance.
End of Act 1
Act II Roy and Kim together
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – BALCONY
23) Roy returns to the Bellevue to his balcony.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
24) The older lady, Marilyn, now in the hospital is taken
care of by Roy’s ex., Suzy.
Marilyn asks Suzy to try to call the kid who’s pet sitting.
The meds she’s on make her confused, she thinks. Suzy tries
to get through but can’t. Marilyn can’t get info about her
pets and is worried sick. Suzy suggests that Roy might be a
mooch, but when it comes to animals, he would do great. Let
him pet sit. He’s trustworthy. Marilyn says she’d consider
giving him a one-day trial but she needs to meet him. But
Marilyn needs someone right now. She fears her dogs are
frantic. Suzy promises to check in after work. Marilyn’s home
is very close and on Suzy’s way home. Marilyn gives Suzy her
keys.
Marilyn’s in trouble.
Marilyn, with a broken hip, is now in the hospital taken care
of by nurse Suzy.
Purpose- she must meet Suzy, who arranges for her to meet Roy
and eventually solves everyone’s problem. Also, she helps
Marilyn with the petsit.
Problem: it’s a little too convenient.
Brainstorm: Suzy is on her way out the door for the night
when she gets another call to help.
8.
She tries to get someone else to do it- But instead, she’s
told to stay. She resentfully helps the woman but Marilyn
reminds her of someone Suzy loved and lost- a mother- an
aunt. She mentions it.
Later, the hospital will find another nurse but Suzy stops in
all the time to check on Marilyn. She has connected with this
woman as a substitute for someone she has lost.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLWAYS AND SUITE
25) Kim wanders into the Bellevue and sneaks into a suite
when housekeeping exits.
When she leaves the suite, she rigs the door to be able to reopen
it.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – STAIRWELL
26) Roy gets a heaping plate of food from Sunday brunch and
heads to a stairwell to enjoy it.
26a) He finds Kim in the same stairwell eating and they
connect. They compare food choices and he gallantly offers
her a napkin, etc.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL- SUITE
26b) Afterwards, Kim invites Roy to her suite. It’s riskier
than the balcony, but a lot more comfortable. Plus, there’s a
mini bar. They share stories but are platonic.
27) Roy and Kim brainstorm places to mooch/freeload and try
to outdo each other. They make a list of pros and cons and
then a bucket list for the two of them: a spin the bottle
game. This is an emotional breakthrough. Neither of them has
had this kind of buddy- ever or maybe as a child. Kim
calls for room service for the room across the hall.
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – OTHER ROOM
When the people from across the hall leave she catches the
door and stays there until room service arrives. Then she
rolls it back to her suite
INT.BELLEVUE HOTEL – SUITE
and she and Roy have another feast. Later, lux baths and they
sleep in beautiful beds.
9.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
27a) Suzy stops by Marilyn’s house. The door is unlocked, the
place is a disaster- the kid had a party- and the dogs are
freaked. She calls her nurses’ station and leaves the message
that she’s in the house and will take care of everything.
Then she gets busy with the pups and then cleaning up the
hellhole.
27b) Flag/repair 27) Suzy stops by Marilyn’s house and it’s
trashed. Find a different way to fix this.
27 c) Kim’s brother must create more of a problem- ADD
SCENES.
CHANGE scene location is changed.
INT. BUS – PARKSIDE
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
28) Kim takes Roy to the cliff/cabin on the cliff. He doesn’t
know why he’s there. She tells him just a bit of informationthe
house belongs to her brother. He abused her.
Roy doesn’t know how to deal with it so he suggests that they
take a free casino bus to AC to the festival. While there
improve:
Roy’s soft touch with animals.
Purpose- to demonstrate Roy’s extreme resonance with and
kindness to animals.
Solution: Roy and Kim go to Kim’s cliffside place- a baby
squirrel runs and seeks protection on his foot. He spots the
nest- 20 feet high in a tree- climbs the tree and returns the
baby. Kim is touched and impressed. They find her secret
‘cove’ where she’s spend many nights near the cliff, and
smoke weed, and fall asleep together.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
28a) While Suzy is finishing taking care of the pets, the
teen shows up with a pile of friends. Suzy grabs the kid by
the ear and makes him clean up the mess while she watches.
After the house is clean she says: Don’t come back here –
nasty abusers. Exhausted, she tries to get ahold of Roy but
his phone goes to message.
10.
Then she leaves a message for Marilyn at the nurses’s stationshe’ll
stay overnight with the pets and talk to Marilyn
tomorrow.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- FESTIVAL
29) Roy and Kim are in Atlantic City and go to a carnival
there. It’s a blast. They sneak onto rides, into fun houses
and steal food. But when Roy sees a family- something about
them triggers him to melt down- PTSD- he’s distraught.
29a) He goes wild, jumps onto a stage, drags Kim onto the
stage with him- it’s a horrific scene.
30) People haul him off and drag him into a
INT. ATLANTIC CITY FESTIVAL- HOLDING ROOM
holding room- where Kim stays with him and sings to him,
whispers to him, calms him. He reveals part of his past. She
tells him that she knows he’s a good man. Kim shows Roy love
that neither he nor she has ever felt. She brings him joy and
with her, Roy later comes to believe that they can take on
the world. She helps but also triggers these things, and she
stays by him until she pulls him out of it. Roy lets slip
that he’s smitten with Kim and wants to stay with her but his
time is running out. Instead of just disappearing, she flatly
refuses. He’s heartbroken, but then again, he always felt
that he was shit, not worth the air he breathes. His facing
the past, his fear and abject self loathing resonates with
Kim so she disappears when it gets too close to her own
trauma for comfort.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY – HOLDING ROOM
30a) When police arrive, she talks to them outside of the
room, and then when she convinces them that Roy’s OK, and she
leaves.
EXT. ATLANTIC CITY- BEACH
31) Roy wanders the beach looking for Kim. Improve 31) Roy
wanders the beach looking for Kim.
ADD He needs to encounter someone- and also do something
crazy here.
11.
INT. BUS
Finally, he catches the casino bus back to Philadelphia CC,
and intends to go back to the Bellevue balcony.
EXT. PHILADELPHIA STREET
On the way there, he sees Suzy, who’s anxious to release
herself from pet sitting, so she takes him to meet Marilyn.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
32) Roy and Marilyn hit it off but Roy is unsure that he’s
actually ready to commit.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
Suzy takes her lunch hour to show Roy the place and the
ropes. Roy takes to the dogs instantly. Suzy videos him with
the dogs.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
Suzy returns with Roy to the hospital- they show Marilyn the
video and Marilyn is convinced that Roy will be OK. Suzy &
Marilyn asks him to give it a try for a couple of days. Why
are you being so nice? Because I don’t want your sorry ass in
my house anymore. Get it together, Roy.
FLAG * 32 Suzy takes her break and shows Roy the ropes to
take care of Marilyn’s home. This one is a serious stretch of
credibility-
INT. ATLANTIC CITY – CLOSET
33) Kim, having slept in a meeting room closet in Atlantic
City,
EXT./INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL – HALLS AND BALCONY
Returns to the Bellevue. She looks for Roy on his balcony but
he’s no longer there. She takes up his old residence on the
balcony. Improve 33) but her loud self-talk gets her caught.
INT. UNDERGROUND CAR PARK CUBBY
33a) She ends up in an underground car park.
12.
Act II mid-point sequence
Roy starts a progression of scenes where he slowly comes to
terms with his past.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
34) Roy sits alone with the dogs. He stares. He’s not sure he
likes this new life.
INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT
35) Kim goes to the hospital and asks if Roy was admitted.
She finds her way up to talk to Suzy, whom she knows Roy used
to be with. This peaks Suzy’s curiosity no end. But she’s
tightlipped about Roy.
35a) On the way out, Kim sees Marilyn and stops by her
doorway. Marilyn recognizes her from the dressing room and
asks this nice girl to visit. Kim enters. She feels great
remorse about the car but she knows that she escaped blame.
Marilyn and Kim hit it off. Marilyn says that a man named Roy
is taking care of her pets but if anything happens, maybe you
can do it- because I’ll be here for 6 weeks…. “I knew you
were a nice girl” makes Kim weep and she makes her excuse to
leave.
EXT./INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE & STREETS
36) Roy walks the dogs and then carefully stows them in the
house- well fed and loved. Then he goes out walking.
INT. REVOLVING RESTAURANT
He eventually sleeps on the floor of a Revolving restaurant
(because it’s a view of the city which he ‘owns’ thrilling,
distant, exciting, isolating. He is alone.) for the night.
EXT. STREETS
When he rises the next morning, a film crew is setting up
near the park. He investigates and weasels his way onto the
set- Desperate for his old life. they think that he works
with them. He eats breakfast, then heads out to take care of
the dogs.
37) After taking care of the dogs, Roy sits staring once
again. He jumps up, goes to the hospital
13.
INT. HOSPITAL – OSTEO UNIT
and hands Suzy Marilyn’s keys. Now Suzy is stuck with finding
a new sitter. Marilyn suggests Kim. But who knows how to get
ahold of Kim? Roy goes to the film set.
EXT. FILM SET
38) EXT. FILM SET Roy works as a Pyro Technician. The crew
think he’s one of them. He sleeps in the honeywagon, eats the
food, gets clothes from the costumer and actually earns his
way until payday, when he can’t get paid. The unions are
pissed off. His supervisor and pals who like him, give him
some cash but he must leave. On his way out, he
Film crew pyrotech- Will add scenes to demonstrate that Roy
is excellent at this, and that he’s well liked. But also,
feels incredibly uncomfortable getting too close- and his
fear of losing them overwhelms him. And the explosions
trigger him.
38a) sets pyro under the union boss’ trailer.
39) The explosion can be heard in the hospital.
EXT. STREETS
40) Roy wanders. He’s looking for Kim.
Second turn-end of act 2: Roy longs for Kim
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
40) Kim is at the cabin near the cliffs again. This time,
she peers into the windows. Empty. She unlocks the door and
enters. She takes a shower, changes clothes which are clearly
hers, and when she leaves, she breaks as many mirrors,
ceramic and glass items as she can. Then she relocks the door
and gets on a bus.
Act 3
41) INT. DEPARTMENT STORE -DAY
Roy finally discovers Kim shoplifting. He’s thrilled. She
shows him how to do it- They even shoplift sandwiches- wine.
14.
INT. CITY HALL TOWER
41a) They go up to the top of city hall and look over the
city and have a picnic.
Roy tells her about the pet sit. Kim explains that she’s the
‘bitch’ who caused Marylin’s mess-
Roy and Kin bond. Roy discloses secrets. Kim just a little.
41aa) And sleep in the city hall tower- overlooking the city
and holding each other tight. It’s brilliant, and they kiss
for the first time. Kim can’t face her demons, so she leaves
in the night.
41aaa) When Roy wakes, freezing up there, His heart is
broken all over again but this time, he suspects that she
doesn’t want to do this life without him, either.
EXT. STREETS
41b) On his way back to the hospital, Roy collapses on the
street. People ignore him because they just think he’s high.
He leans against a building and bawls.
improve *41a Roy collapses on the street and people step over
him.
41c) NEEDS A FOLLOW UP scene.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY
42) Roy returns to the hospital to get the petsitting gig
again. At this point, Marilyn has heard that Kim and Roy are
probably an item, and this time insists that he and Kim take
care of her dogs and home together.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
43) Roy goes to Marilyn’s house and walks the dogs.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
43a) He sneaks them into the hospital to see Marilyn.
44) Meanwhile. Kim has thought about the petsitting gig and
goes to see Marilyn. Roy is there.
The tour sequence
15.
45) Roy and Kim trade favorite mooch places while checking in
with the dogs and Marilyn.
INT. THEATRE
46) They spend a night at the theatre,
INT. BELLEVUE HOTEL
47) a night at the Bellevue,
INT. FOUR SEASONS HOTEL
48) a night at the four seasons, etc,
49) and make the rounds.
INT. MACY’S EX WANNAMAKER STORE
50) They even spend a night under the pipe organ in the old
wannamaker department store,
INT. LONGWOOD GARDENS
and at longwood gardens under the banana trees.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
51) But each time, they take care of Marilyn’s dogs, they
sneak the dogs in to see Marilyn-
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
52) they visit the cabin on the cliff. Kim tells him that
this is where she intends to commit suicide.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- OSTEO UNIT
53) Kim does Marilyn’s hair & nails and brings her clothes.
53a) ADD SCENE /moments when Kim admits that she’s the one
who caused Marilyn’s demise. She expects to be thrown out and
vilified and starts to leave. Instead, after initial shock,
Marilyn accepts Kim for who she is. The moment is cathartic.
She has never been accepted by anyone else but Roy.
16.
EXT. STREETS
54) ADD they take her out on wheelchair strolls and get her
into some exciting mischief.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE
55) And for fun, they shoplift,
INT. MOVIE THEATRE
56) sneak into the new AMC movie complex, and so on. Little
by little, Roy reveals his past.
Roy knows that Kim’s dark secrets lie in that cabin on the
cliff. She has told him that she intends to commit suicide
there.
57) Often they are separate as Kim disappears.
58) INT. HOSPITAL- DAY
Roy and Kim meet at the hospital daily. More visits with the
lady in the hospital and sneaking the pets in. Roy has taken
on the commitment and he’s getting better at it.
59) Marilyn makes a deal that if they promise to stay
together, she’ll consider leaving her house and pets to them
in her will. She doesn’t want the government or the nasty
neighbor into her house. Or anyone else.
60) While at the hospital, Suzy tells them that Marilyn is
being moved to hospice. No pets. The nurses in hospice
discourage pets because it lengthens people’s lives.
61) ADD a minister visits daily and this is when she talks to
him/her about marrying Roy and Kim.
62) INT. BELLEVUE SUITE- NIGHT
On a lark, the two crash the Bellevue hotel suite because,
well, having a permanent place is so unsexy for Kim. They’ve
snuck the pets in, too because it’s way more fun. They get
caught, but this time- they have a place to go.
INT. MARILYN’S HOUSE
63) They go back to Marilyn’s house and set up a makeshift ?
17.
Purpose: they don’t want to be conventional but setting up a
kid tent with sheets is cliche`.
Brainstorm:
They ‘hide’ in the walk-in closet. They ‘hide’ under the bed.
etc
Then scene proceeds as planned.
At one point, they grab food, also for the pets, bottles of
champagne- etc.
64) While Roy is scouting food, Kim finds Roy’s medal of
honor tucked into an old towel, and learns that Roy saved his
fellow soldiers in war.
Roy finally gives up his past- why he lives this life; why he
acts this way. It’s because, finally, despite the fact that
Kim’s so elusive, he trusts her. She has his heart. But she
won’t commit, goddamn it, she won’t commit and life isn’t
worth living without her.
65) She slips away once again. The hotel just isn’t fun
without her.
66) EXT. MARILYN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
When he gets to the townhouse, he’s locked out. The angry
neighbor/parent of the bratty kid. has taken over ownership.
Roy and Kim have somehow lost the pet sit house.
PURPOSE to eliminate possibilities and leave Roy without
anything- now he’s lost his identity, his physical ability,
his Kim. Also, to show the end is coming, to mirror the
beginning, so show fate.
67) Add scene- Kid admits that he trashed the house and then
the nasty neighbor gives it up. The neighbor gives Roy and
Kim the keys.
68) 7. Crisis: The clock is nearly run out. Roy has lost
everything. Roy can’t find a place, can’t find Kim and can’t
figure it out alone anymore. Without Kim, too, life is not
worth breathing. He decides to go to Kim’s cliff/cabin. He is
mentally lost and doesn’t know what to do.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE & CABIN
69) When Kim is there, he begs her to be with him.
8. Climax:
18.
EXT. CLIFFSIDE CABIN
ROY goes to the cliff and finds Kim there.
70) Instead of doing a “Thelma and Louise”, when Kim catches
Roy contemplating suicide she finally tells her truth. He
convinces Kim that he has a plan to make her happy and they
both pull each other away from the brink.
71) Fiercely empathetic, Roy, a pyro guy, blows up the cabin
on the cliff which houses the dark events of Kim’s past and
his own. They both weep cathartically at the sight.
72) Roy begs Kim to give him a chance at life. He says that
he will try, every day, to forgive himself. He promises to be
patient and accept her in every way.
Roy has a plan to stay mischievous. “Settle down” does not
mean to ‘settle” Roy promises an exciting and mischievous
life for Kim and begs her to share his life.
9. Resolution:
73) improve Roy and Kim sneak Marilyn out of hospice for a
home visit with Suzy’s help. Then they bring her back to
hospice.
74) INT. COURTROOM- DAY
Roy and Kim win the legal right to the the deed housesit and
put their names on the address. Marilyn is there to sign.
INT. HOSPICE- DAY
75) Back at the hospice, they promise the lady that they will
take care of her pet babies and home.
Roy keeps Kim’s life happy with pretend mooching and lots of
smooching. He will pre-pay everything and make her believe
that they’re getting over on people and she suspends her
disbelief to play the life game with him. They visit the
lady throughout her last days.
76) The minister enters. They freak. No, they don’t get
married! It freezes them in their tracks and Marilyn backs
off.
77) The lady feels so good on some days, that she thinks she
may even move back to the house and live with them. Which, in
the last seconds of the film, makes Roy and Kim look at each
other and you know what they’re thinking: “Uh Oh. Gotta go.”
-
Dev Ross – Lesson 14 – Flag Scenes to elevate
What I learned from doing this assignment: by combing through each scene – especially from bottom to top, I saw how to make slight but deeper connections from scene to scene – like stringing pearls. Went back and made clearer set-ups to payoffs. I also found that the more I truncate sentences down to their bare bones, the clearer my story becomes to me – less words = clarity.
Flagged problems: The first scene didn’t go far enough in establishing my protagonist’s initial displacement. I needed to have him be more shocked and humiliated. I also saw that I needed to further develop his emotional state so I added scenes 3, 4, and 5. I also discovered that I hadn’t developed enough his move from being a dignified bigot to a straight-out assassin.
What still needs improvement: Hannah’s desires and why. Emmy’s pregnancy reveal. The scene where Clay sees Lincoln on TV for first time. Setting up Lincoln’s desire for a child. I don’t like how I have it right now…
Dramatic Question: Will the Grand Dragon assassinate the Black Leader?
Main Conflict: Will his obsession cause him to lose his wife and family?
Dilemma: He can’t stop because now black leader is trying to kill him.
Theme: Your hate will ultimately destroy you
Concept: Outshined by the latest hate groups, a fading KKK Grand Dragon plots the murder of a black leader, but when he wakes the next morning, he is that black leader who is suddenly struck with a plan to murder the Grand Dragon.
1. EXT. FAIR GROUNDS – SUMMER DAY
Amidst growing climate events a REPORTER covers the rise of extremism as Grand Dragon CLAY CAINE takes the stage at a White Supremacists Conference. He speaks. Crowd boos him. He’s a SINO, a Supremacist in Name Only. Shunned, he leaves the stage, is replaced by young ADAM SPENCER: CHEERS erupt! He shouts over them, “You – young white men – are this movement’s red meat! Our fire burns and the flames are rising!”” Mayhem…
2. INT. CAINE HOME – DINING ROOM – EVENING
At dinner: A discussion ensues about WS event. Clay’s wife, HANNAH, a nurse, hurriedly readies herself for work while expressing – it’s time to leave the hate business to others and focus on their family. He slams his fist! He does it ‘for family and for all white Christian families to save their country!’ Daughter, EMMY, asks to be excused. Off to meet boyfriend. Clay asks when she’s going to bring him around. She misdirects, leaves. He eats the rest of his dinner alone.
3. INT. CAINE HOME – TV ROOM – NIGHT
Watches news. More on odd weather. Ignores it as fear-mongering. Watches coverage on WS rally: “Jews will not convert us! Blacks will not pervert us!” Clay observes the young white men yelling, shakes his head. This is not the way.
4. INT. CAINE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
He brushes his teeth. Stops to gaze at his reflection.
5. INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Climbs in bed. Turns off the light. In the darkness, he prays for a sign from God to tell him what to do.
6. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – NIGHT
Light snaps on. He enters. A bible sits surrounded by KKK memorabilia. His grandfather’s Klan robe is on display. He stands in front of it remembering…
FLASHBACK to Klan rally. He’s a five-year-old dressed in his own robe watching his Grandpa set up a cross to burn while solemn members gather around. The lights from the fire shine in the little boy’s admiring eyes.
7. INT. CAINE FOYER – MORNING
Hannah returns from work just as he’s leaving. She apologizes for last night, pulls him close, kisses him. She’d like it to go farther but he puts her off. She says daughter is spending the night with friend, starts removing her clothes right there. This is one way she’d like to spend more time with her. He’s embarrassed, brushes her off, leaving her frustrated.
8. EXT. JOB SITE – DAY
Clay works as house painter. The homeowner, an elderly woman from his church, asks him if he’d be willing to apprentice her twelve-year-old grandson who’s coming to live with her. He could really use a male mentor. Clay’s obliging. Quotes Proverbs 22:6. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” His grandpa taught him the trade and he’d always wanted a son to pass it on to. She hugs him.
9. EXT./INT. CLAINE BASEMENT – NIGHT
Odd, disturbing weather outside. Klan meeting inside. A puny rag-tag group of older white men with chips on their shoulders and trauma in their pasts. One suggests they start a social media campaign. No one knows how. Clay assures members will come back when they tire of the radical, attention seeking tactics of emerging supremacist groups. Reminds attendees the Klan used to have respectable doctors, lawyers and politicians in their ranks. They can regain that respectability again and, thus, regain control of the country. They are gentleman first, Christian men with integrity, not wild-eyed terrorists.
10. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay paints. Grandmother brings her grandson around. He’s half black. Clay reacts. Pulls Grandma aside. No way he can do it. He doesn’t approve of race mixing. Grandma says she knows of no better family man and Christian to take on the boy. She implores him.
11. INT. CLAINE HOME – NIGHT
INCITING INCIDENT: Family dinner. Daughter, EMMY, feels sick, removes herself from table. Sounds of her vomiting. Emmy returns to table. Emmy blathers on how Dad and her got married – early – and it all worked out. Clay realizes Emmy’s pregnant. He agrees with his wife and says he’d welcome a grandchild. Emmy reveals she’s carrying a black baby. Clay throws her out of the house.
12. EXT. PAINT JOB SITE – DAY
Grandma pushes her grandson, ELIJAH, toward Clay, leaves. Clay explains to the boy that being mixed means he’s tainted. God doesn’t want us to mix. Cites bible. Says the boy will have to fight harder than most to be a good person. Elijah says he’s willing to work harder. He doesn’t want to be like his father. Clay can relate. He doesn’t want to be like his father either. Tells the boy to wash out some paintbrushes while he continues to paint…
FLASHBACK of his father beating his mom behind closed doors while young Clay and his baby sister play inside their mother’s open suitcase with all her clothes strewn about.
13. INT. CLAINE BEDROOM – NIGHT
Clay spurns Hannah’s attempt at sex. He’s tired. She’s tired of him refusing him. It escalates – a lot -until — shouts of “Nigger lover” come from outside.
14. EXT. CLAINE HOME – NIGHT
Trucks screech away. A cross burns on Clay’s lawn. A stuffed effigy hangs with a sign that says his daughter is a nigger lover. Fire trucks arrive. Fire Captain’s surprised that Clay’s house was targeted. There was a time when everyone respected him.
15. EXT./INT. CLAINE HOME – MORNING
OUTSIDE: Ashes from burning cross blow across the neighborhood. Emmy knocks on the door. Wants to know if her parents are okay.
INSIDE: Clay forbids Hannah to let her in. Mother and daughter touch palms through front window. Emmy leaves.
Before leaving, Hannah tells her husband she’s working late. Caine watches Black Leader LINCOLN ABLE on news. Hannah comments on how the black nurses at the hospital all talk about him. She can see why. He’s making a difference. Clay takes her comment as a dig that he’s not. Hannah comments that Lincoln is also charismatic. Another dig. As she leaves, she says he’ll have to make his own dinner. One last dig.
16. EXT. HOUSE PAINTING JOB – DAY
Clay works in silence with Elijah. Wind almost knocks over ladder. Elijah grabs for it but it knocks over the paint. Clay starts towards him. The boy flinches, covers his head to block the blows he knows are coming. Clay freezes, remembers…
FLASHBACK – His daddy hitting him over and over again…
OUT OF FLASHBACK – Clay grabs the boy into a hug.
17. EXT. BAR – DAY
Clay’s driving home. Stops at light next to BAR. FLASHBACK to seeing his father telling him to wait outside bar as he goes in. Light changes. He drives on. Stops, backs up.
18. INT. BAR – DAY
Clay drinks a beer. More on Lincoln Able on TV. Bartender is about to change it but Clay says to leave it. He wants to study the man. Bartender complains: uppity black is going to get all the whites voted out of office. They’re going to lose their country but there’s nothing decent white folks can do about it. If they did, they’d get videoed, convicted by elites, sent to prison. Bartender poses a question: Would prison be worth it if you knew that by killing an evil you made the world better? LIGHTS in bar flicker. It’s the climate stuff. Clay begs to differ. It’s God. He’s trying to tell him something.
19. INT. BASEMENT – LATER – DAY
The light snaps on. Clay enters, cracks another beer from mini-frig. Grandpa’s Klan photo is off kilter. He straightens it. It crashes to the floor. TV turns on by itself. The TV fuzzes before Lincoln Able appears in a news loop. Clay tries to turn the TV off but the channels go through a loop of black shows: a sit-com, commercial with a black and white couple, a show where a black and white couple make love… All of it reflects back in Clay’s stoic face.
20. EXT. CLAY HOME – CONTINUOS
Elijah rides his bike. Lightening rips the darkening sky in half. Ribbons of color slip through the rift. It’s like the aurora borealis. The tripping lights encompass the neighborhood. Frightened, Elijah rides to Clay’s house. Knocks on the door. He’s scared. Let him in! Clay pulls open the door. Holds a rifle. He rages at Elijah for coming to his home! Says he’ll shoot him if he ever comes to his house again. Elijah rides off.
21. INT. CLAY’S BASEMENT – LATER
Clay sits on the couch, rifle resting on his lap. The TV still blasts images of blacks that reflect across his face. The last is Lincoln Able. Clay gets emotional. He finally understands. God is telling him what to do. He points rifle at TV. Click.
ACT TWO:
1. EXT. SKY – MORNING
Sky ripples with ribboning colors…
2. INT. ANOTHER BASEMENT – MORNING
We see the back of a man we assume is Clay sleeping on the couch. But when the man stirs and sits up, we see he’s actually black leader Lincoln Able. He’s disoriented. An intense dream lingers. His attention is pulled to a spider crawling across his arm. He sets it free through a low basement window.
3. INT. ABLE HOME – KITCHEN – MORNING
His wife, NUBIA, hands him coffee. Apologizes for sending him to the basement but his tossing, turning, and talking in his sleep was keeping her up and she’s working a double today. Lincoln says he had a crazy dream about killing the Grand Dragon of their local Klan. She laughs. Yeah, right. Remember, he’s the type who carries bugs outside. She leaves for work. She’s nurse. He’s still distracted over the dream.
4. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln gives his group of white and black volunteers a pep talk before they go door to door to get out the vote. It’s clear they hang on his every word. A truck flying a Confederate flag motors past, ignoring them. Then, a woman in a mom van rolls almost to a stop. Yells “Fuck you” at them, speeds away, flipping them off.
5. INT./EXT. BLACK HOME – DAY
Lincoln speaks to a couple about voting. The man’s son appears. He fought in Afghanistan. Full of bitterness. Says voting won’t do nothing. Nothing changes. Leaves. Man apologizes for his son. No need. Lincoln acknowledges that the black man carries a chip on their shoulder. But you can’t let hate win you over. If you do, you’re as good as dead.
6. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
Lincoln bids the couple good-bye and continues walking the neighborhood. A car follows him. Lincoln turns to look. A shimmer of light and… no car. He turns the corner and the car is following him again. It gets close, almost swipes him but is gone again. Going crazy? A text from his wife pulls his attention. To the hospital ASAP!
7. INT. HOSPITAL- FRONT DESK/EMPTY ROOM – DAY
Lincoln, frantic, looks for his wife. The nurse station starts to shimmers and shift. It appears Hannah grabs him but it’s Nubia who pulls him into a private room. She shows him her pregnancy test. She cries, embraces him, never thought it would happen. Lincoln seems off. He doesn’t want to worry her but… he’s been seeing things.
8. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Hannah takes Emmy’s blood pressure. It’s high. Fears she could lose the baby. Her dad would like that. Hannah tells her not to worry. He’ll come around. The baby will still be his flesh and blood.
9. INT. HOSPITAL – IMAGING – DAY
Lincoln rolls into MRI machine.
10. INT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Hannah’s car won’t start. She tries to call her husband. It rings and rings.
11. INT. CLAY’S CAR – NIGHT
Cell phone on seat says ‘missed call’ just as Clay opens the door from the outside and tosses in a box of ammo. Drives off.
12. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Nubia has Lincoln’s scan results. Nothing wrong. Suggests he’s pushing himself too hard. Now with their baby coming, perhaps he can go back to teaching. Lincoln laughs – as if teaching is any easier.
13. EXT. CLAY’S DRIVEWAY – NIGHT
Clay pulls up in his car. Sits and loads his rifle when a car drives up. The driver, a black man, gets out, opens door for Hannah, who hugs him in thanks. Clay’s face tightens. As driver pulls away, Clay gets out of his car to meet his wife. She’d relieved to see him. She called and called. He slaps her and pulls her into the house.
14. INT. CLAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
In an Iago-esque madness, he accuses her of sleeping with the black guy. Hannah explains the man is a co-worker who gave her a ride because she asked him! She called Clay first but he was likely too busy at one of his damned Klan meetings that nobody shows up too. Clay is incensed. He counters she could have been raped like his sister was. She comes back at him – his sister was a drug-addict prostitute! It’s time he stopped pretending she was a saint! Calling her a whore, he hits her again and again until she’s still…
Meanwhile…
15. EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT – CONTINOUS
Emmy bangs on door outside. Calls for her mom. Blood drips down her legs. The sky ripples with ribbons of color.
16. EXT. HOSPITAL/CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Lincoln leaves the hospital, drives off… Bathed in ribbons of light, the neighborhood shifts – looks almost the same only different.
17. EXT. CLAY’S STREET – NIGHT
Lincoln is disoriented. Then– he recognizes the car that tried to run him down — parked in front of Clay’s home. Lincoln sees Clay burying something in the backyard. Clay spots him. Grabs his rifle, fires. Lincoln dives into his car, speeds away as the neighborhood RIPPLES and shifts again.
18. EXT./INT. LINCOLN’S HOME – NIGHT
Lincoln’s car screeches up. Parks. He enters house. Heads upstairs. Downstairs TV sparks on. White Supremacists on the news…
19. EXT. LINCOLN’S HOME – MORNING
Lincoln checks his car. Bullet holes riddle the side of it.
20. EXT. GET OUT THE VOTE RALLY – DAY
Lincoln introduces as speaker. He’s struggles. His speech turns hateful. The crowd reacts, jeering or cheering him on.
Elijah is there with his grandma. He looks around the crowd when he spots Clay pull out a gun…
Elijah yells out a warning!
Clay fires. Misses. Crowd scatters. Lincoln is being rushed off stage when he spots Clay running away. He pulls away from his handlers and chases after Clay. He thinks he has him cornered but… it’s as if he’s disappeared into thin air.
21. INT. LINCOLN HOME – DAY
Lincoln finds his wife home. Spotting, blood on her panties, came home. Lincoln spots Clay hurrying toward the house with a rifle? Lincoln yanks Nubia to the floor. Nothing happens. She thinks he’s losing it.
22. EXT. LINCOLN HOME – DRIVEWAY – DAY
Shows her bullet holes in car. Nubia demands he stop his work. It’s drawing too much attention and hate towards him. He says he has to be bigger than that. He’s doing it for her, for their child, for their people, for country! She tries to calm him; he pushes her away. She topples to the ground. He pulls her to her feet, holds her, begs her forgiveness while blood trickles down her leg.
Luminous ribbons of color cut across the sky. Rumbling…
23. INT. CLAY HOME – DAY
Rifle toting Clay hurries inside. Someone’s in the shadows waiting for him. He points his rifle at the shadow. Hears his daughter’s whimpers. She lost the baby. Can she come home now? Boyfriend said they couldn’t be together now because of all the threats from Spencer’s White Supremacist Group. Clay sends her away.
24. INT. CLAY BASEMENT – NIGHT
He’s dead asleep. Phone rings. It’s his sister. Emmy, Clay’s daughter, called her, told her what happened. She wants to know why Clay would throw his own daughter out. He says it’s because of what happened to her, raped by the black man. She says let it go. It’s the past. She was a drunk then just like their lousy parents. She’s sober now and tells the truth no matter how hard it is. Black men didn’t rape her. She was drunk and took them all on as a fuck you to their child molesting, KKK Grandpa. Clay idolized him but she hated him. Clay goes nuts. She’s a liar. His wife, daughter, and now his sister – all have betrayed him. All tainted by the black man.
25. EXT. BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Clay prowls the streets, looking for someone to kill while sprouting biblical references. He shoots out the windows of a black church.
26. EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Lincoln drives his wife toward home. Both are stoic. He tries to speak to her but she stops him with a hand. Clay’s car emerges from a RIPPLE. Lincoln stops and orders his wife out of the car. Shaken, she gets out. He speeds off.
ACT THREE
1. EXT. CITY STREETS – NIGHT
Clay takes aim at a random black man when his car is rammed. It’s Lincoln. Car chase through the city. Alarms go off as electricity arcs across the sky. The world’s fabric is rending…
Both crash their cars. Pursue each other on foot.
2. EXT./INT. COTTON PROCESSING PLANT – NIGHT
Both men chase shadows. It’s cat and mouse where both appear, one disappears never quite in full view of the other. Sudden quakes cause near collapse of building.
22. EXT. LINCOLN’S NEIGHBORHOO – NIGHT
Nubia, on foot, finally approaches home when– the neighborhood ripples and shifts. She stands in the middle of a street, wonders where she is? Frantically pulls out her GPS. RIPPLE. Back to her neighborhood. RIPPLE. Car brakes scream. The face of the approaching car’s driver freezes in anguish as he runs her down…
23. EXT. SKY – NIGHT
It’s ripping apart.
24. INT. PLANT – NIGHT
The men’s search for each other intensifies. Shadows and shapes pulsing in and out. Their bullets ricochet and each is struck. Building is coming down. Both drag themselves in opposite directions to get out.
25. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Clay drags himself out into the night. Moon shines down on pools of water. As he bleeds out, he sees his reflection in the water. It’s Lincoln.
26. EXT. PLANT – NIGHT
Lincoln drags himself out, sees his reflection in water. It’s Clay. The two look up at each other as a BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT washes all out…
27. EXT. SPACE
Strings appear in the blackness and resonate like harp strings. (String Theory) A FLASH OF LIGHT then…
28. EXT. MIXED NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY
The sun shines on a newly formed reality – literally. Clay’s daughter and husband stroll with their baby past black and white townspeople who greet them. Grandma comes to comment warmly on Emmy’s baby mixed race baby. What’s his name? Emmy smiles. It’s Elijah.
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Lisa’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I Learned: there is always something to improve, and I ended up making many changes to other scenes that I didn’t flag for a problem or improvement.
1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
Scenes that have a problem:
a. Scene 42 – problem with the community center fire
b. Segway between scenes 51 and 52, maybe add an additional scene
2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
Scenes that can be improved:
a. Scene 6 – improve prominence of Ma Jenkins in Peter’s life
b. Scene 16 – beef up character of Bert, Peter’s brother
OUTLINE OF MARY’S CHRISTMAS
1. VOICEOVER-MARY
Mary explains that Seneca Falls was the inspiration for the movie It’s a Wonderful Life and each year they put on a festival to celebrate it. Seneca Falls also houses the IAWL museum. As she speaks, we see…
EXT-SHOTS OF SENECA FALLS, NY.
VOICEOVER-MARY (Continues)
Mary talks about growing up in Seneca Falls. How her mother planned the first festival and over the years participated in all the annual events, Mary in tow.
2. EXT. GEORGE BAILEY BRIDGE – NIGHT
In their firetruck, Mary and her partner come across a man on George Bailey bridge at night in the pouring rain who is crying and is up on the railing. Mary hates heights, but she ends up saving him and then lays into him about what he was trying to do.
3. INT-KITCHEN-DAY
Mary’s kitchen is full of baked Christmas goodies for the it’s a Wonderful Life festival and she calls for Uncle Billy to come eat. Uncle Billy, a miniature dachshund, is already sitting behind her with his head cocked and then goes over to his bowl and eats.
4. INT-BEDROOM-DAY
Ruthie is in her bedroom looking at the NORAD site on her computer, but it’s not working so she yells downstairs to her mom that the computer is broken. Mary calls back for her to come on, so she closes the computer and runs downstairs.
5. INT-KITCHEN-DAY
During breakfast, Mary is multitasking for the festival when Janie and Ruthie climb on Mary’s lap because they miss their grandma, but as Uncle Billy runs around barking and jumping on them (because he doesn’t like anyone touching Mary), they laugh.
6. INT-KITCHEN-DAY
As Peter enters the kitchen of the Ma Jenkins Boarding House, Ma orders her grandson to stand because a decorated war hero is entering the room.
On the way to school, Mary nearly runs over Peter when he steps off the curb in front of the boarding house. Mary let’s Peter say hi to the girls who are looking at a phone on the NORAD site, and they show it to him.
8. EXT-HOUSE-DAY
Peter arrives with his toolbox at the porch of Mr. Campbell asking what he can do and he agrees to fix the boards on the porch.
9. INT-SENECA FALLS WINERY OFFICE-DAY
Mary works with Angel, her best friend and they discuss what happened at the courthouse and Joseph, their boss. Joseph asks Mary out and she declines.
10. EXT-HOUSE-DAY
Peter rings the parsonage bell. The pastor Harry Mills answers, and they walk over to the church where Peter agrees to clean the pews.
11. EXT-OUTSIDE OFFICE-DAY
Joe expresses his love for Mary. Joe gives Mary a raise because of the situation with Peter.
12. INT-COURTROOM-DAY
Peter is on hard times because there hasn’t been any snow and he’s a snowmobile repair man. Judge will send him to jail on Christmas day if he doesn’t come up with the money.
13. INT-COURTROOM HALLWAY-DAY
Mary sees Peter and his girlfriend, Tilly arguing about Peter’s idea to kidnap Santa, but Mary can’t hear them. Tilly storms off and Mary approaches Peter to discuss their girls and Christmas.
14. EXT-HOUSE-DAY
Peter arrives at Mrs. Thomas’s and begins mowing the lawn. She comes out on the porch to give him some iced tea.
15. INT-WINERY OFFICE-DAY
Mary tells Angel that she’s not going to play “Mary Bailey” this year. She says she will push for Angel to play her.
16. INT-MARTINI’S BAR-DAY
Peter enters and sits next to Bert (Peter’s older brother) at the bar. Peter gets deep and teary eyed as Bert tries to give him a pep talk.
17. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT
Main street is all lit up with lights and decorations. A sign reads ‘Wonderful Life Meeting Tonight at the Community Center – All Are Welcome!’
18. EXT-NORTH POLE-DAY
Peter and Tilly kidnap Santa on snowmobiles as elves and Mrs. Claus yell after them.
19. INT-CONTROL ROOM-DAY
At NORAD HQ, Santa starts to move on the giant screen, but it’s too early. Dash and Don are assigned to go find Santa.
20. EXT-FOREST-DAY
Snow is starting to thin as Peter and Tilly continue on foot with blindfolded Santa in tow.
21. EXT-ROAD-DAY
Dash and Don are trying to track Santa’s signal.
22. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-NIGHT
Mary and Angel discuss how good Joseph is with the girls, then Joseph tries to give Mary her Christmas present early, but she won’t take it. Introduction of other townspeople.
23. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-NIGHT
Peter, Tilly, and Santa run alongside a slow-moving freight train. They get into the train car, and it starts to go faster.
24. EXT-CANADIAN ROAD-NIGHT
Dash and Don track the Santa signal and realize they are moving faster than snowmobiles. They can’t figure out where they are headed at first.
25. INT-LIVING ROOM-DAY
Ruthie tells Mary something is wrong with the laptop because it’s not following Santa. Mary looks at the site and says it’s probably just a temporary issue.
26. INT-KITCHEN-DAY
Mary tells Angel that her saving Peter from drowning ruined their relationship and caused the divorce. Angel asks why not move on with Joseph.
27. EXT-TRAIN TRACKS-DAY
Peter, Tilly, and Santa run into the woods.
28. INT-CAR-DAY
Dash and Don are still in Canada and realize the signal has stopped in Seneca Falls, NY. Border guards stop them and laugh that they are chasing Santa.
29. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY
Main Street is full of people there for the festival. Vignettes of different townspeople working their jobs during the festival.
30. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY
On the outskirts of town, Peter unlocks the door of the shop and he, Tilly, and Santa go inside.
31. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY
Peter finds a tracking device on Santa and interrogates him on how he gets down the chimneys. Santa won’t say.
32. EXT-FRONT YARD-DAY
Ruthie and Janie are playing in the yard in the snow. Uncle Billy is running around barking at them. Joe and Mary are watching from the front window.
33. INT-HOUSE-DAY
Mary and Joe argue over moving their relationship forward. Joe leaves. Uncle Billy comes in and Mary rubs him with a towel as he licks her face.
34. EXT-MAIN STREET-DAY
Dash and Don enter Seneca Falls and they ask Ernie if he’s seen a Santa. Ernie nods as Dash & Don turn around to see a sea of Santa’s running in the Santa 5k.
35. EXT-SIDE STREET-DAY
At the theater, Angel calls Mary’s cell and tells her to get to the community center now. Mary has Janie and Ruthie with her, and they all leave for the center.
36. INT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY
Peter and Tilly discuss that they didn’t think everything out…like how to get Santa back to the North Pole. Tilly quits and leaves the shop.
37. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DAY
The town Santa is sick, and Mary puts on the Santa suit because Angel has the radio show to do. Mary leaves Janie and Ruthie at the community center where Joseph will pick them up later.
38. EXT-SNOWMOBILE SHOP-DAY
Peter and Santa , with a rope in Santa’s sack and Peter dressed as Santa too, leave the shop and head towards town. Mary drives up to the shop looking for Peter, but he’s not there.
39. EXT-MAIN STREET-DUSK
Dash and Don run alongside the running Santa’s in the 5k trying to spot the “real” Santa. At the same time. Peter and Santa use the running Santa’s as a shield to get to the houses at the other end of town.
40. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK
As Joseph is on his way to pick up the girls at the community center, he notices smoke coming out of the roof. He calls 911 and enters the building.
41. INT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK
Joseph comes out of the burning building with the girls in tow. Others are running out too.
42. EXT-COMMUNITY CENTER-DUSK
Mary runs through the crowd in her Santa suit and goes inside. After the fire is out, she checks on the girls and then runs off talking on her festival walkie talky.
43. EXT-RESIDENTIAL STREET-DUSK
Neighborhood of houses lit for Christmas, but everyone is in town. Peter and the real Santa come out of the woods and move toward the back of a house where Peter has hidden a ladder.
44. INT-POLICE STATION-DUSK
Mary has told the police that Peter and Santa are missing. The police laugh at her. She explains he might be suicidal and leaves in frustration.
45. EXT-SIDE STREET-NIGHT
Mary gets on the firetruck to play Santa and as it starts to move when Tilly runs up and tells Mary what Peter has done and where they are headed. She jumps off the truck and runs toward the house.
46. EXT-MAIN STREET-NIGHT
Tilly finds Angel and Joe are marching in the parade as Mary and George Bailey and tells them what’s happening with Mary and Peter. Joseph takes off and Angel stays with Janie and Ruthie who are in the parade as Bailey children.
47. EXT-LIBRARY-NIGHT
Dash and Don spot a Santa far away running toward a neighborhood and they take off after the Santa (Mary).
48. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT
Mary sneaks up behind Santa and trades places with him Mary is still afraid of heights, but she gets on the roof anyway. Mary and Peter argue on the roof.
49. EXT-PARADE-NIGHT
The real Santa has taken Mary’s place on the firetruck and is waving to the children yelling Ho, Ho, Ho!
50. EXT-HOUSE-NIGHT
Peter tries to force Santa (Mary) down the chimney, and they struggle while Dash & Don point their guns at Peter. Mary stops them from shooting him then falls off the roof where Joseph catches her, and they fall in the snow.
51. EXT-YARD-NIGHT
The real Santa comes running and convinces Dash & Don to let Peter go.
52. INT-COURTROOM-CHRISTMAS EVE DAY
Peter turns himself in for the tax charges. Ma Jenkins, Bert, Mr. Campbell, Harry Mills each vouches for Peter, as the town pays his back taxes with the festival money and say they found a sponsor to pay for next year’s festival.
53. INT-HOUSE-CHRISTMAS EVE
Ruthie, Janie, Uncle Billy, Peter, and Tilly are celebrating with the girls by watching IAWL on tv.
54. EXT-PORCH-CHRISTMAS EVE
55. INT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK
The congregation sings “Hark the Harold Angels Sing” with candles lit as Joseph and Mary walk down the aisle.
56. EXT-CHURCH-CHRISTMAS DAY DUSK
Mary and Joseph come out of the church into the snow and get on top of a firetruck with the lights on and Just Married on the back. They drive off.
57. EXT-SENECA FALLS-NIGHT
SHOTS OF TOWN LIT FOR CHRISTMAS
58. VOICEOVER-MARY
Mary explains that “She is not alone who has friends…and family.”
(NOTE: I don’t know why 2 things are showing up in red; I didn’t upload them that way?)
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Anita Gomez’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this is assignment: I used the suggested process of reading from the ending up. I discovered a few plot holes this way. I also teased out some of my conglomerated actions into new, various scenes. Good advice!
Working Title: LIFE CHOICES
1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
**INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica has made an abortion appointment. She’s confronted by rabid anti-abortion protestors outside. She enters the clinic, but at the last minute, can’t go through with it.
I identified this in the last pass as a cliché, and reworked it – so now I am adding it back into the outline, fixed.
**INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus the family man, interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and cool, distant way. The home he provides is materially beautiful, but he is detached, deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
I have yet to develop Cyrus’ subplot sufficiently, which include his kids and wife. I know WHAT I want to accomplish, but not HOW (yet).
**INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worrying to each other about her lack of friends and emotional detachment (perhaps a report from school of cruelty).
I need to brainstorm unique and interesting ways that Dianna’s parents can show their concern, not by cliché.
**INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping in the girl’s department – first through infant wear, then toddlers through the teens’ sections. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away.
This scene is kind of a placeholder for me right now. Again, I need to brainstorm unique and interesting ways to show Danica’s remorse for giving up her child without cliché. So I rewrote this idea as Christmas shopping for her niece.
**INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, stone cold bitch, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without consulting him. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and grabs a gun from a dresser drawer. He bolts before she can fire but we see she would actually be capable of cold-blooded murder.
I need to introduce Dianna as having a lover, but without emotional connection in an earlier scene or scenes. Also, I think the gun thing is too on-the-nose and I need a more elegant way to show just how deeply Dianna’s psychosis goes, so when she kills Cyrus it’s been foreshadowed, but still shocks.
**INT. DANICA’S LAW OFFICE – DAY
Her coworkers are enjoying a baby shower for one of their peers. Lots of “Oohing” and “Aahing” over adorable infant clothes, etc. Danica quietly withdraws and closes her door to them.
Exact same problem as Dept store scene above — I need to brainstorm unique and interesting ways to show Danica’s remorse for giving up her child without cliché.
2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
I combined steps 1 & 2 and both “reads” have resulted in the changes now incorporated below.
3. Start with the easiest and improve one at a time, working your way to the more difficult areas.
4. At the conclusion of 48 hours, post your improved outline.
1. Opening Scene:
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
Danica is in the throes of childbirth (we don’t see her face revealed yet). It isn’t going well, and we hear from the doctors that she could die. GRAPHIC: “7 Months Earlier”
2. Inciting Incident:
INT. LAW OFFICES – NIGHT
Danica is working on a case. A senior partner (Cyrus) comes in, flirting with her in an all-too-familiar way. She confronts him with the fact that she is pregnant and past the 6 weeks allowable for an abortion in her state. In fact, he was instrumental in crafting this law for the TX legislature. We see him revealed as the hypocrite he is (ultra right-wing; married with his own kids; but still offering to send her away for an abortion).
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica confides in her Evangelical sister (mother of 2 kids herself) that she doesn’t want this child and wants to flee the state for an abortion. She fears for her health, having been born with only 1 kidney and reminds the sister how she herself almost died in childbirth, twice. The sister guilt-trips her / tells her all life is precious and “she’ll grow to love the child”.
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – THAT NIGHT
Danica is praying in an empty church for guidance. She gets no answer and leaves to the hollow sound of her own lonely footsteps.
EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Danica flees the state. She drives to <st1:place w:st=”on”><st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state></st1:place> where the abortion laws are more accessible.
INT. ABORTION CLINIC – DAY
Danica has made an abortion appointment. She’s confronted by anti-abortion protestors outside singing soft hymns she has heard from her childhood (an echo of the previous church scene). She enters the clinic and finds she can’t go through with it.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
We are back at the opening scene of a wretched birthing experience. Danica blacks out; She regains consciousness to the sounds of a screaming infant. A nurse tries to hand her the baby daughter, saying she is fine – except she too was born with the mother’s genetic defect of having only one kidney. The new mother turns away from the squalling infant.
INT. HOSPITAL – LATER
Same nurse brings infant to Danica for nursing. She takes the beautiful baby in an awkward hold. Nurse tells her, “Most moms instinctively cuddle them to their chest on the left so the baby can hear your heartbeat.” Danica: “Not all of us are born mothers”.
EXT. FIRE STATION – NIGHT
After several hellacious sleepless nights a fraught Danica abandons her newborn daughter at a “Safe Haven” firehouse telling the child, “I never wanted you” leaving a note, “Her name is Dianna”.
EXT. <st1:street w:st=”on”><st1:address w:st=”on”>TEXAS HIGHWAY</st1:address></st1:street> – DAY
Giant billboards with Cyrus making politically motivated anti-abortion statements. He is running for a Judgeship. He is seen with his smiling wife and 2 young children surrounding him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Partners are congratulating Cyrus on his election win as a local Judge. It’s a big win for him and the anti-abortion political action committee that supported him.
5. Mid-Point
INT. DIANNA’S ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOME – DAY
Dianna is a beautiful baby, exuding shiny and bright promises for her new doting parents.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica’s own ambitions bear fruit and she climbs the professional ladder becoming a full partner in a prestigious law firm. She is cold, hard, and driven with a reputation as a ruthless winner of legal cases. “You’re one of the guys now Danica”. As a loner, she rebuffs co-workers celebratory invitations.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Concurrently the biological father’s (Cyrus) story unfolds. Now a Judge, he quickly gains the reputation as a conservative hard-ass, making harsh anti-abortion decisions from the bench – as noted by former partners bringing a case forward about a young girl who is seeking a judicial bypass from parental consent for an abortion, which he denies because of her “grades”.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE
Dianna has grown into a beautiful and precocious young girl – but with a cruel streak. She brings home an excellent school report but then we see her hugging a kitten until it squeals and goes limp.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EVENING
Cyrus the family man, interacts with his two pre-teen kids in a fatherly but distracted and cool, distant way. The home he provides is materially beautiful, but he is detached, deferring the kids’ needs to his wife.
INT. JUDGE’S CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus, now older, has received notice of his appointment to Regional Circuit Judge, (which will put him once again in Danica’s professional orbit). He calls his wife and kids to have a celebration dinner, but they are all unavailable.
EXT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – EARLY NEXT MORNING
It is his habitual practice to retrieve his newspaper outside the gates of his driveway near the street. A car passes too close and he bobbles his coffee onto his pajamas and robe (foreshadowing).
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL BLEACHERS – NIGHT
It’s the Homecoming game. Danica walks to the school mascot, a bulldog, and surreptitiously lures it to under the bleachers, feeding it something that causes seizures as she coolly observes.
INT. ADOPTIVE PARENT’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dianna’s parents are worried about her lack of friends and emotional detachment because of a report from school of cruelty to the mascot. She tells them not to worry – she really wants to help others, it was only an experiment, and has decided to go into genetic research because of her own anatomical anomaly of 1 kidney and wants to uncover others with kidney deficiency (which she later discovers includes her biological mother)
EXT. UNIVERSITY GROUNDS – DAY
Dianna graduates college early. She is offered a prestigious job as a medical researcher in genetics. They want her to study along the lines of “Nurture vs. Nature” with a big Grant.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
We see Dianna displaying the same cold hard ambitious edge her biological mother has. This plays out in her dispassionate experimentation and dissection of animals in the course of her research, and how her co-workers whisper behind her back about it. One coworker (a guy) stands up for her – and he later is seen as her boyfriend.
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Danica is shopping last minute in the girl’s department for her niece – first through infant wear, then toddlers through the teens’ sections. She is sad and pensive, obviously dreaming of brooding about the child she gave away. She admits to the salesperson she has no clue what a young girl needs or wants.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Danica is visiting for Christmas. The family is having a fun and raucous game night (with Danica on the sidelines reading law briefs) – It’s obvious her sister’s family are close. But the sister gets up, hiding from them some serious back pain she’s having.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – CHRISTMAS DAY
Cyrus’s wife gives the family each a DNA kit (“YourHeritage”) as gifts. Cyrus looks nervous but laughs it off as she says, “everyone’s doing them now” and he agrees to take the test, joking they might find they are related to royalty.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna is in bed with her boyfriend. They are having sex – it can’t be called making love. She is completely detached and devoid of feeling – nothing more than a biological function for her.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
During this time Dianna seeks out and discovers the true identity of both her biological parents by doing DNA testing on herself.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOUSE – DAY
She has come for another visit and is wistful while playing with her niece and nephew – obviously wondering what it would have been like to be a mom herself. Danica catches a commercial on TV about Cyrus running for re-election as Judge, all about “family values” – his platform is all anti-abortion and calls women’s bodies ‘host bodies’ – Danica is disgusted. Her sister is disapproving of Danica’s reaction in front of her children.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – DAY
Dianna holds a home pregnancy test strip showing “positive” but she has absolutely no emotional reaction to this and carelessly tosses it in the garbage.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT BATHROOM – NIGHT
Her boyfriend is getting some aspirin and glances down to see the discarded positive pregnancy test. Dianna comes home and he confronts her. She shrugs and tells him “she already took care of that.”
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Exemplifying her pathological inability to connect with people, her boyfriend is breaking up with her, calling her an ice queen, stone cold bitch, etc. and accusing her of having an abortion of their child without even consulting him and accusing her of cold-blooded murder. Dianna too calmly says that “it’s her body, her choice – and NO ONE leaves her… she does the leaving” and opens the door saying. “I expect you gone when I come back”, not even slamming the door.
INT. JUDGE CYRUS’ CHAMBERS – DAY
Cyrus is having a discussion with political lobbyists about how they want to see <st1:state w:st=”on”>Louisiana</st1:state> follow in <st1:state w:st=”on”><st1:place w:st=”on”>Texas</st1:place></st1:state>’ footsteps with an extreme anti-abortion law, noting he is the best person for the Circuit Court of Appeals position to assist them. He is a puffed-up pompous self-assured man conveniently forgetting his own personal scrape with Danica’s unwanted pregnancy, and agrees to be considered as an appointee for The 5<sup>th</sup> Circuit Chief Judge. His motivations are purely for power and political gain within his party.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY
Danica is a compulsive marathon runner. She begins to show signs of health issues.
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – DAY
She receives news of her sister’s death from kidney failure.
INT. DANICA’S SISTER’S HOME – DAY
Danica meets with her brother-in-law and niece and nephew but has too many of her own regrets about giving away her own child to be of much solace. Even in her grief she longs for the strong family bond she sees in them, but doesn’t know how to have.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY
Danica sees her own doctor and is told she too has kidney disease, and must have a transplant to survive. She is told all the medical reasons why her best chance for survival is a close relative.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – NEXT DAY
Danica in running gear, finds she does not have the strength to run that day.
INT. DANICA’s HOUSE – NIGHT
She begins seeking out her daughter’s whereabouts online. We are unsure of her motive – is it for a kidney or a relationship? She delves into her online DNA test results.
INT. BIOLOGY LAB – DAY
Concurrently Dianna reads about her Aunt’s death and then delves into her own mother’s DNA health markers and realizes she too is likely to die of kidney disease without a transplant. We see Dianna go to Cyrus’s DNA results on the computer but not what she finds… just a hint of a knowing smile.
INT. CYRUS’ HOUSE – NIGHT
All smiles he announces to his wife that he’s been appointed to the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals, located in New Orleans. She tells him he’ll be moving there himself. She has the results of the family DNA tests and has discovered he has a grown child out of wedlock (Dianna) and will be leaving him.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica must prepare for arguments being heard to restrict abortions in the state of LA and she is tapped to argue against this in trial. She is shaken to learn that the father of her abandoned child (Cyrus) will be the appointed Circuit Appeals Judge hearing the case.
7. Crisis
INT. DANICA’S HOUSE – NIGHT
She goes on a concentrated search for Dianna, the daughter, and using a DNA genetic app (I’ll call ‘YourHeritage’) and various Google / social media searches, finds her. Dianna is a shocking spitting image of her mother.
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica can’t concentrate on work. She finally contacts Dianna by email, not disclosing who she is – only a ‘close relative’. Danica has no idea Dianna already knows who she is.
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
The anti-abortionist argument for new legislation includes “sanctity of life” comments, and how they must “protect the unborn” and “what if that little baby is the next president?” // “Even women who have been raped should be inspired because ‘God put them in this moment’, // “Life begins when DNA is created”, etc
INT. LAW OFFICES – DAY
Danica is preparing for her arguments the next day but flailing, getting bogged down by all the statistics coming out of TX since they passed their “Heartbeat Act” and how it has impacted LA, etc. Her superior calls her out…. “What’s wrong with you?”
INT. COURTROOM – DAY
Danica argues passionately in her presentation stating, “What if that next baby is another Hitler or Putin?” // “The state should never be allowed to compel victims of sexual violence to endure further pain and suffering and carry an unwanted child.” // “Not everyone’s cut out to be a parent. Not everyone SHOULD be a parent… not every child should be born into a life of pain and suffering – because of physical defects or into poverty…” Cyrus just sits there smirking at her. In her intensely conflicted zealousness Danica collapses – both mentally and physically.
INT. DIANNA’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Dianna receives Danica’s email and suggests they meet early the next morning at Dianna’s prompting, who makes all the arrangements.
8. Climax
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – EARLY MORNING
Dianna gets into her silver sedan driving to the early morning appointment she set to meet her mother. We see a man bending over to get the morning paper from his driveway – we recognize him as Cyrus. She’s momentarily distracted. Brakes Squeal.
Blackout.
9. Resolution
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Eyes blink open. The hospital room looks eerily similar to the opening scene. A TV is on, set to the news. Wincing in pain Danica gets out of bed and walks to a mirror, lifting her gown to reveal a long scar mid-back. She has gotten her transplant, but looks confused. Her daughter, Dianna walks in, smiling, fresh as a daisy. The mother is stunned silent… this is obviously her daughter, as they practically look like sisters. Dianna turns to the TV and raises the volume with the remote. The anchor is reporting on the tragic death of Circuit Appeals Court Judge Cyrus at his home this morning, the only lead a silver sedan seen on the street … if anyone has more information… TV switched off, Dianna turns to her mother, “Well, at least he did one thing right in his life – he signed up as an organ donor.”
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Anna Harper Day 15 PS81
ESSENCE ONLY OUTLINE
What I learned from this assignment; it certainly helped me to clarify and add some new scenes. At this point, I am really wanting/excited to get going on the script’s larger content.
LOGLINE: A 13-year-old boy is forced by social circumstances to confront his unwillingness to change and give up his selective mutism, a trauma bond with his deceased mother.
DRAMATIC QUESTION: What will help the boy overcome his challenge?
MAIN CONFLICT: Peer bullying and a sadistic teacher create heightened stress for the boy. His father does not know what to do to help his son.
DILEMMA: The boy does not want to give up his bubble of silence which has become habituated, if he does not, he will continue to be bullied and may be sent off to a special boarding school.
THEME: Love will find a way in.
1. EXT.ESTABLISHING/VILLAGE HIGH STREET/CHRISTMAS/DAY
2. EXT.VILLAGE SCHOOL/DAY
A group of bullies chase Dylan, verbally abusing him. A school teacher watches passively.
3. INT.CLASSROOM/DAY
Elizabeth Perkins the teacher returns to her schoolroom and dialogues with her mirror. Placeholder rap song. re her enjoyment of her dark side.
4. INT.GARBAGE SKIFF/DAY
Dylan hides in the garbage skiff, meets Alfie, discovers that the dog has superpowers of two-way telepathic communication with Dylan.
5, INT. DYLAN AND STEVE’S COTTAGE/DAY
Dylan and Alfie enter leaving a dirty mess. Alfie bathes and feeds Alfie.
6. INT.COTTAGE BATHROOM /DAY
They are discovered by a horrified Steve, (Dad) who says Dylan cannot keep the dog.
Steve is annoyed as he was expecting a dinner guest, now this is not possible.
7.INT.KITCHEN/DAY
Steve leaves, Dylan and Alfie enter the kitchen to find food for a starving Alfie. They empty most of the fridge.
8.INT.INDIAN RESTAURANT/EVENING
Steve and Elizabeth the teacher are having dinner. She states that Dylan should attend a special boarding school. This would allow them to spend more time together. Steve dumps Elizabeth and rejects the school idea. Elizabeth is angry and embarrassed.
9.EXT.PARK/EARLY MORNING
Before school, Dylan and Alfie go to the park to play. They see the bully boys walking towards them. Dylan is apprehensive. All of the boys but one, want to come and meet Alfie. The alpha bully hangs back
10..INT.SCHOOL/MORNING
Dylan observes Elizabeth locking his friend Daisy in the school cellar.
11. EXT.VILLAGE HIGH STREET/STEVE’S BUS DAY
Dylan has run away from the school, he tries to get his Dad to help Daisy using his usual means of gestures. When that does not work, Dylan speaks for the first time in two years,
telling his Dad to help Daisy.
12.. INT.SCHOOL/DAY
Steve and Dylan can hear Daisy crying in the cellar, Steve fetches the school principal. Elizabeth appears and intimidates Daisy into taking responsibility for locking herself in the cellar.
13. EXT.VILLAGE HIGH STREET/DAY
On the way home Steve expresses his anger. He feels Dylan has made a fool of him, and all because he will not speak. Steve doubts his ability to help Dylan
14. INT.DYLAN’S BEDROOM/DAY
Alfie encourages Dylan to try to communicate with his Dad about his troubles with bullies and the evil Miss Perkins using pictures,
Steve runs out of the house He does not see the pictures. Dylan takes his pictures away believing that his Dad is not interested.
15.INT.SCHOOLROOM/DAY
Steve has an interview at Dylan’s school, He agrees to consider the boarding school option and takes the paperwork home.
16. EXT.VILLAGE STREET/DAY
On the way home, Steve takes the side of Elizabeth and says they should very seriously consider the boarding school as Dylan is creating trouble and Steve cannot figure out how to help him, Dylan breaks away from his father and runs off. Steve cannot find Dylan.
17. INT.STEVE AND DYLAN’S COTTAGE/EVENING
Steve is pacing the floor, he calls the village police and tells them Dylan has run away.
Alfie finds the envelope with Dylan’s drawings and whines and barks until Steve looks at them.
Steve sees the pictures of abuse at the school and understands.. Steve looks at Alfie and asks him to find Dylan
18. EXT.VILLAGE HIGH STREET/NIGHTAlfie barks and steers Steve to the garbage skiff where Alfie and Dylan originally met. Steve lifts the lid on the skiff where he finds Dylan
I9.INT. AT THE COTTAGE/EVENING
Steve phones the school board, reports his concerns, and tells his son not to worry he is not going to the boarding school, he apologizes for not understanding or believing Dylan
20. INT.THE COTTAGE/MORNING
Steve calls the pound Dylan. No one has claimed Alfie. Steve says If Aflie makes Dylan happy and gets him to start talking, he can keep him until New Year. But only till New Year.
21 INT.DYLAN’S ROOM/MORNING.
Alfie spends more time with Dylan explaining how important it was for him to speak, he saved Daisy from the cellar. He also talks to him about loving his mother and making his mother happy by talking and enjoying his life. Dylan is still silent. He draws another picture of Alfie with a big heart around Dylan and Alfie, he gives it to his Dad.
22. EXT.SCHOOL/DAY
It’s the day of the school Christmas concert. Dylan and Steve are walking from the parking area towards the school with many other parents. Dylan points to the alpha bully boy being smacked and pushed by the bully’s mother. Dylan’s Dad says he will contact the school principal.
23. INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY/EVENING
Dylan feels sorry for the bully boy. Steve says this is how the boy has learned to bully. Dylan wonders if the bully is lonely. Steve explains the importance of talking to adults who love and care for children and young people when there is a problem, and how silence can make things worse.
23. EXT. PARK/DAY
Daisy, Dylan, and Alfie are sitting on the park bench. Daisy explains how competitive her parents are, and that she would really like a certain doll for Christmas. They will not allow it as she has to grow up.
Dylan speaks, says he wants a tattoo, his Dad will never allow it.
24.INT.VILLAGE BAKERY/AFTERNOON
Dylan, Steve, and Alfie go shopping Dylan buys Daisy a My Little Mermaid doll. village. Dylan points and waves at the bakery. They go in and buy Christmas goodies. Steve and Dylan like Mickey the baker,
25. EXT. SEAFRONT/EVENING
Mickey is just about to close the shop and suggest they all go to the seafront cafe for hot chocolate.
26 EXT.AT THE VILLAGE CHRISTMAS TREET/CHRISTMAS EVE
Dylan holds his Dad’s hand and points to the village’s huge Christmas tree, lights sparkling snowflakes falling. Dylan speaks, admiring the tree. Steve agrees to keep Alfie.
27. EXT.VILLAGE PARK/CHRISTMAS DAY
Alfie, Dylan, and Daisy are playing hacky sack. They sit on the bench and exchange gifts, the mermaid doll for Daisy and some extra long-lasting tattoo decals for Dylan. They conclude their meeting discussing the dilemma of wanting to grow up and still be kids.
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Kate’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this is that the joining moments, the getting from one point to the next is important to keep it from feeling disjointed and patchwork-y. It takes care of those But what happend to..?? and how did..?? times in a film that pull you out of the story. Also makes the character more 3-d. Added an additional character to up the conflict and suspense, and developed a relationship between 2 others who had been in just one relationship.
CHANGES IN CAPS (except of course the slug lines!)
1) OPENING SCENE
INT. TOWN MEETING – EARLY EVENING
A desperate crowd at a town meeting, led by the Latina Mayor Luciana, discuss how to stay solvent and bemoan the greed of Darrogh, the local billioniare. They have all lost something of their livelihood to him.
EXT. A PEACEFUL FIELD ON THE EDGE OF TOWN – EARLY EVENING
A tour bus of actors arrives on the edge of the town, and set up their campsite, preparing for their play this weekend. Nia wanders through dreamily over the field and tells Shaun, fellow thespian, she can imagine living there. He agrees – if only to get away from his Mother who is way too involved in his life – this far away from New York where she works in high powered business.
INT. LOCAL BAR – NEXT EVENING
Nia and the troupe mingle with the local community most whom are fascinated by their life and looking forward to the play they are going to do (a Shakespeare). ONE (BILL) IS SUSPICIOUS OF THESE ‘ALTERNATIVE’ YOUNG THEATRE PEOPLE. Luciana introduces herself and asks Nia a lot of questions – they bond.
ADDED BILL WHO BECOMES A ‘SPY’ FOR DARROGH
2) INCITING INCIDENT
EXT. THE FIELD – SATURDAY EVENING.
The Shakespeare show (Midsummer?) is ending and people are having a fine old time. Darrogh is watching Nia – she is the living image of her mother, his dead wife. D flashback to his beautiful young wife. BILL INTERRUPTS THIS REVERIE WITH HIS CONCERNS. D BRUSHES HIM OFF.
INT. POST OFFICE – NEXT DAY
Nia walks into Darrogh in the post office, he invites her to his house, UNDER PRETEXT OF WANTING TO SUPPORT THE TROUPE.
INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE –
Darrogh tells Nia she is his daughter and he is so happy to find her after these years. Talks about how beautiful her Mother was, how Nia looks just like her.
INT FLASHBACK
NIA HAS A HAPPY MEMORY OF HERSELF (3) WITH HER MOTHER, DARROGH WATCHING SMILING
NIA’S HAPPY MEMORY THAT REINFORCES HER BELIEF IN HER FATHER’S SORY
INT. DARROGH’S PALATIAL HOUSE –
D hints that she let him down badly. He spins a story about what he’s been doing, making himself sound good.
EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP
Nia says goodbye to the troupe- she wants to stay with her father. Luciana urges caution, he’s not to be trusted. Nia assures her it will be fine. Shaun has a text from Min, his mother, saying she wants to come and see their last show. He tells her no, he doesn’t want to see her. This is his life.
INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE
Darrogh makes it clear that he doesn’t want her mixing with the locals. He wants her to himself. She feels special and loved.
3) BY PAGE 10
INT. COFFEE SHOP- DAY
Luciana and Nia meet (clandestinely) – Luciana tells Nia what Darrogh is really like, for example how he cheated her father out of the family ranch. She is very ‘familiar’ and Nia is a little uncomfortable. Nia rejects an offer to stay at her place, determined to have a relationship with the father who left her 15 years ago when she 7. She believes he is a good person (that’s what her family told her) and that she can help him be better because he loves her. BILL IS OBSERVING THEM.
EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP
Nia tells Shaun he is not being kind to Mi, his Mother, and she wishes she had that kind of attention. Shaun suggests she mind her own business. He can’t let her be too close – she takes over. The classic Chinese Tiger Mother.
4) FIRST TURNING POINT AT THE END OF ACT ONE
INT.TOWN MEETING – EVE
Luciana presents a letter from Darrogh at a town meeting in which he announces he is going to develop a massive landfill on the ranch he ‘bought’ from her family and offering to buy out the other little farms in the area but people have to decide in the next week then the offer is off the table. BILL SUGGESTS IT IS NOT A BAD THING – WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO?. AN ARGUMENT ENSUES, BILL LEAVES, NOT SEEING NIA. listening incognito at the back of the room
EXT. STREET – EVE
Nia is deeply moved by their plight, promises Luciana she will try and help, appeal his humanity, sure her father loves her enough to listen
EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP
Nia and Shaun meet after the meeting – Nia needs some input. She says she will stay with D because she’s not afraid to get to know him and dares Shaun to do the same with his Mother. He accepts the dare and texts Min to say Ok you can come if you really want to – not very warmly. She doesn’t reply immediately
5) MID-POINT
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME
Nia tries to talk with her father appealing to his humanity. He belittles her as being a child and calls the people in the town losers and worthless because they don’t know how to make good money. Says she is too much like her Mother.
INT. FLASHBACK
a scene when she was 6 and she heard her parents arguing violently.
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – NEXT DAY, BREAKFAST TIME
D APOLOGIZES – HE IS ANXIOUS ABOUT THE LAND DEAL – IT MEANS SO MUCH TO HIM. HE BRUSHES OFF HER CONCERNS.
EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP
Luciana and Nia, shaken by her memory, meet at the campsite. Luciana tells her she knew her mother when they were in college , filling her in (to some degree) on her Mother’s suicide, how Darrogh had isolated her and then done the same with the child Nia, and assures Nia she will always be there for her. She invites her to her house where there is to be small group meeting to decide what to do. BILL OBSERVES THEM FROM AFAR.
INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING
A SMALL GROUP OF SPECIALLY SELECTED towns people decide to set up a ‘sting’ company purportedly to manage and expand the landfill. ONE OF THEM IS A RETIRED REAL ESTATE/BUSINESS GUY. Nia suggests that some of her theatre friends pose as ‘the businessmen’ but she will stay in her father’s house to keep an eye on him and she is still hopeful he’ll change.
EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP – NEXT DAY
Nia proposes the sting project – all agree and Shaun (WHO IS SWEET ON NIA) says his mother can help set that up. She is very pro-environment and the rights of ‘small’ people. But before he can ask her, he gets a text from Min saying she has decided not to come – he is right and she needs to give him more room. And perhaps he’ll get this out of his system. She will send a template and some advice for the fake business proposal.
6) SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT TWO
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – 1 WEEK LATER
The ‘Businessmen meet with Darrogh. He has read the proposal and is interested but delays signing it – he will do it himself and doesn’t need them yet – maybe later in the process. He is trying to get more land from the other farmers. He wants the biggest landfill ever made.
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – LATER THAT DAY
BILL PAYS A VISIT TO DARROGH – HE HAS SEEN LUCIANA AND NIA TOGETHER A LOT. KNOWS THAT LUCIANA AND DARROGH HAVE A HISTORY – SUSPECTS THEY ARE OLD LOVERS. D LAUGHS AT HIM, IT’S NO-ONE’S BUSINESS BUT L DID HIM WRONG YEARS AGO. THANKS HIM FOR KEEPING AN EYE ON HIS DAUGHTER.
INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – EVENING
HE CONFRONTS NIA ABOUT SEEING SO MUCH OF LUCIANA. BILL TOLD HIM.Tells her L caused Amahla’s (Nia’s mother) death, that they were lovers and the shame was too much for Amahla. Nia very confused remembering that she was uncomfortable with Luciana that time. Darrogh says it’s him or them and anyway he doesn’t trust her – she doesn’t have his best interest at heart and she can go join the riff-raff as that’s her type anyway. He kicks her out of the house then and there, saying ‘you’ve let me down like your Mother’. She leaves with only what she arrived with.
INT. FLASHBACK
as she makes her way to the camp, to when he kicked her Mother out (when Nia was 6)
EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP
Nia arrives distraught. She doesn’t know who to trust. TELLS THEM ABOUT BILL SPYING ON THEM. She will keep going with the ‘sting’. Shaun was one of the fake businessmen when D didn’t sign the deal and now he really needs to get Min more on board plus he is moved by Nia’s hopeful and needy love for her father who Shaun can see is a shit. He calls his mother. Min agrees to come in person because she likes the sting project. It’s still a rather cold businesslike agreement.
EXT. THE FIELD – A WEEK LATER
The surveyors and bulldozers arrive. Everyone is frantic.
INT.DARROUGHS HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER
The’ Businessmen’ make a second proposal- they have ‘sales agreements’ from surrounding farms to their company. All Darrogh has to do is buy in and he will be set for life. He is still not sure. Tells them to wait. Meanwhile the surveyors are at work in the land that he already has, beginning in the field where Nia first camped and where the Troupe’s bus still is.
7) CRISIS
EXT. THE FIELD – AFTERNOON
Min arrives to be part of the ‘businessmen’ to meet D one more time. MIN AND LUCIANA HIT IT OFF. Shaun sees her as others in the troupe see her and the first time appreciates her, even as he is also a bit jealous of her easy relationship with the others. He is torn between letting her into his life and keeping his autonomy. NIA SEES IN MIN/LUCIANA COMFORT LEVEL WHAT SHE FEARS – HER FATHER IS RIGHT.
MIN AND LUCIANA HAVE BECOME FRIENDS
INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – EVENING
Nia has it out with Luciana demanding the whole truth about her Mother’s death and their relationship, and sees for a first time a pure clear love. Luciana knew Amahla was straight and loved Darogh SO SHE LEFT HOPING THEY’D MAKE IT
FLASHBACK –
Luciana and Amahla are wrapping up the conversation when D comes in, misreads it all, refuses to hear anything more.
INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE (CONT)
L tells Nia her mother did commit suicide but because of the pain of cancer and the fact she was kept from her daughter. Nia says that no one told her that, only that her mother died from cancer, and it broke her father’s heart – he couldn’t look at her it hurt too much. Nia always thought it love not disgust..
EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE
BILL IS LURKING AND NIA CALLS HIM OUT – WARNING HIM TO LEAVE HER AND LUCIANA ALONE.
FIRST TIME NIA USES SOME AUTHORITY
INT. DARROGHS HOUSE – DAY
The ‘businessmen’ lead by Min meet with Darrogh – he says he will sign the deal with the ‘company’ if the community agree to name the new landfill after him, with a big fancy gate. They agree. He is very excited and calls Nia to come and have lunch with him.
INT. PHONE CALL
Nia says she needs some time to think about it – that she is still upset about the landfill even though he is her father. He promises he’ll make sure everyone is taken care of if she’ll just come back.
INT. LUCIANAS HOUSE
Talking more with Luciana and some others, Nia chooses the community. Luciana says it is not enough to get the money from Darrogh, he has to be held publicly accountable. Nia comes up with the idea a play specially written to be performed and expose the whole story. There is to be a ribbon-cutting event next week to name the new landfill (even though it is not quite yet under construction). The perfect time to do it.
EXT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE
3 OF THE MEN AT THE MEETING RUN BILL OUT OF TOWN.
8) CLIMAX
INT. DARROGH’S HOUSE – 2 DAYS LATER
D ALONE AT HIS DESK. TRIES TO CALL NIA, NO ANSWER.
INT. LUCIANA’S HOUSE – NEXT DAY
MIN AND L OVER COFFEE DISCUSS HOW TO MAKE SURE D COMES TO THE PLAY. – A SPECIAL INVITE, A NAMING EVENT AT THE LANDFILL, AND NIA WILL SEE HIM THERE.
EXT. THE FIELD – EVENING- 1 WEEK LATER
The play is performed, outdoors under lights with the ‘dozers in the periphery, and slowly Darrogh recognizes the story and his role in it. (Includes a re-worked scene from ‘Lear’ with Cordelia). He is furious and makes a scene demanding the contract be cancelled, but Min shows him it is all legitimate and there is nothing he can do – except let the world know what a fool he has been.
LUCIANA DARES? SHAMES? D TO STAY FOR THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE – BY HIS DAUGHTER.
D takes his seat again, stunned into compliance and loudly sure his daughter will take his side.
Nia performs the murder scene from ‘Othello’ with Nia as Des (looking like Amahla). She ends with a little speech calling him out for his failures as a father and sharing her grief as someone who now sees the truth is not like she had imagined and hoped – and had been told.
He is heartbroken, appalled, and slinks off to his house, leaving a party in his wake.
Shaun plays a key role in the performance and Min sees him in a new way – appreciating the life he has chosen, and she has bonded with the troupe.
9) RESOLUTION
INT. TOWN MEETING – A WEEK LATER – DAY
The community has their land back and the money to develop a back-to-nature retreat center for future sustainability. It has been a dream of some of them over the years and now it is possible. Nia thanks them all for everything and they her. She says she can’t stay but needs to go on with her life. Luciana promises she’ll always have a home here.
EXT. THE TROUPE’S CAMP
Min and Shaun agree to stay closer – she will support his choice of life and work, he will keep her involved.
INT: DARROGH’S HOUSE- LATE AFTERNOON
Nis visits her father one last time. Darrogh pleads with Nia to forgive him and take him in. The house is to be foreclosed and he’ll have nowhere to go. She forgives him, but also tells him he must depend on this community because she is going on with her life, free of his shadow and independent. He offers to give her a car for her travels. She refuses and says goodbye, walking out the door and down the grand driveway.
EXT. THE FIELD – HALF AN HOUR LATER – EARLY EVENING
The ‘dozers and surveyors pegs are gone. Troupe packing up, LUCIANA AND MIN HELPING. Shaun hugs his Mother goodbye, LUCIANA GIVES NIA A LETTER TO READ LATER and Nia and Shaun leave as they had arrived.
VOICE OVER as the bus drives off through the winding road
LETTER FROM LUCIANA TELLING NIA NOT TO WORRY ABOUT DARROGH, THAT BECAUSE SHE LOVED NIA’S MOTHER WHO LOVED DARROGH AND GAVE BIRTH TO NIA, SHE WILL FIND HIM A PLACE AT THE RANCH SHE NOW HAS BACK.
THE END
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Cameron Martin’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this assignment is…To be honest, I finished this assignment in conjunction with assignment 16. Though, both of these assignments taught me the value in assessing your outline backwards to ensure each scene is actually a scene, in that the story turns in some way. There were a number of scenes highlighted as needing improvement because there wasn’t enough going on. However, by going through this process, I discovered a number of these scenes were more along the lines of moments, rather than turning points. In addition, as assignment 16 taught me, by getting my outline down to the 4-6 page requirement, I was able to nail down the objective that each scene required. I’m looking forward to exchanging feedback and uncovering more of how to hone my outlining skills for the benefit of a professional screenplay.
Scenes with Problems:
With both OPEN WIDE and GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP, the majority of problems came in the final act. Thought I love the final act of both of these concepts, the actual action that takes place is either unclear or worse…unearned. Some of these are as simple as sitting down and working out the action of the final act. One of the ideas, notably The Boss’ revelation from GRAND THEFT ROAD TRIP, needs a much better setup. Because this is an outline, and there’s almost no dialogue included, it forces you to tell the story through action to establish those setups and payoffs, which is both the beauty of this process, and the challenge early on.
Scenes that could be elevated:
About a third of the scenes I outlined could be elevated. I gauged the quality of the scene by Robert McKee’s philosophy on whether a scene turns or not. If the scene didn’t start at one of the spectrum (positive or negative) and end at the other end of the spectrum, or at least end in a more positive or more negative charge than what it started with, then the scene was a non-event. Nothing important happened. Luckily, a number of these scenes are easy fixes, as the action that turns the scene isn’t represented in the outline as it’s written now. When a number of these are fixed, the outcome should be that the focus is on the action that turns the moment to moment emotion, rather than vague and unnecessary descriptors.
OPEN WIDE
INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Flash forward of Sully holding his son, Isaiah, who is coughing uncontrollably. Sully apologizes to his son before a shotgun blast is heard.
INT. SPACE COLONY – NEW CONSTRUCTION ZONE – DAY
Establish the space colony on another planet, as we follow Sully working as a master carpenter with a team of other workers. One of the workers runs into a problem, but Sully is able to save the construction site and the workers.
CONT.
Isaiah sneaks into the construction site and asks his dad to spend the day with him. Sully tells him to go back to his virtual class, explaining there’s a lot of work he has to do, and that the construction site is no place for children.
CONT.
Isaiah sneaks off to pull a prank on his dad, nearly hurting a number of workers in the process. Isaiah runs away, scared of the punishment he’ll receive. Sully is then called into his manager’s office.
INT. CONSTRUCTION ZONE – MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
Sully informs his boss that Isaiah is mentally delayed in some areas, but the boss tells Sully he must get his child under control. Boss- “This is space! We can’t take risks here, or lives will be lost!” An alarm goes off warning of aliens.
INT. SPACE COLONY – VARIOUS – DAY
Everyone is moving in a rapid but orderly manner, except Sully who’s fighting against the crowd to get to his son.
CONT.
A family of three argue to get their teenage son, who’s looking sick, into the bunker with them.
INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Sully searches for his son high and low, but each time he gets close, Isaiah runs away.
INT. BUNKER – DAY
The family of three make it into the bunker and start looking for medical supplies, when their son passes out. A doctor starts administering treatment.
INT. SULLY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Sully is able to coax Isaiah out of hiding, and they both run to the bunker.
INT. BUNKER – DAY
Teenager wakes up very sick, and his compulsive coughing and vomiting up blood cracks his jaw and tears the seams of his mouth.
INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Sully and Isaiah get to the bunker too late. It’s sealed shut. They’re stuck on the outside with the aliens.
CONT.
An alien worm discovers and pursues them. Sully runs with Isaiah in tow, and manages to lock the alien behind a door.
CONT.
More alien worms come out of hiding and hunt them. However, a frail old lady who didn’t make it to the bunker takes Sully and Isaiah to her room where she believes they can fortify their position and prepare for the worst to come.
INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
They make it to a corner room of the Old Lady’s apartment and slam the door on the aliens. The Old Lady teaches Sully to makeshift a weapon, and the two fight off the hostile aliens.
CONT.
Isaiah picks up a weapon and swings it wildly. Sully gets the weapon back, but not before getting hit with it. Sully- “You don’t have a say! You don’t have any privileges! You do what I say, when I say it, or else!”
CONT.
Sully and Old Lady fortify apartment, while Isaiah sulks in the corner. Old Lady comforts Isaiah and introduces herself as a spy for the Hegemony.
INT. SPACE SHIP – CRYO-BUNKS
A passenger wakes up to an alert, along with the rest of the ship. The passenger is a foreigner among a crew that speaks a different language.
INT. SPACE SHIP – LUNCH HALL
The passenger learns with the rest of the ship that their voyage has been redirected, and that the passengers are now conscripts to wipe out an outbreak of alien parasites and any survivors not in their designated bunker.
INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Sully asks why the spy isn’t in the bunker. The spy reveals that she’s infected, and tells Sully to take it easy because they’re all going to die, regardless of what they do.
INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER
The passengers are equipped with 3-D printed weapons that have one short range round each. The passenger we’ve followed takes a stand, and other passengers join in a protest.
INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Sully asks why the spy helped them if they’re going to die anyways. The spy explains that she’s making peace with GOD, as she was sent to cover up the Hegemony’s involvement with the escalating outbreaks of aliens. She takes a lethal injection that kills her and the alien eggs inside of her as they’re hatching.
INT. SPACE SHIP – HANGER
The protestors are publicly executed as an example for anyone who’s unwilling to follow the orders.
INT. LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Sully discovers a way inside the bunker by reviewing schematics left behind by the spy. He decides he’s going to try and save his and his son’s lives.
INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS/HALLWAYS – NIGHT
Sully locks Isaiah in a closet to keep him safe while he ventures out alone to find out if the schematics are correct. He apologizes but insists it’s for his own good.
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Sully climbs across a bridge in a ventilation suit, looking out for any other worms or spore nests. His weight puts too much pressure on one point, but it holds…for now.
INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Isaiah is able to find a way out of his confinement and track down his dad.
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Isaiah runs across the walkway in an oversized ventilation suit. He comes across the same weak point his dad came across, and goes around it.
INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS/BUNKER – NIGHT
Sully drops into the bunker and discovers all of the residents are now alien hosts, including the teenager and his family. He tries to fight back, but there’re too many of them, and he can’t reach the escape.
INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – BUNKER/WALKWAY – NIGHT
Isaiah is able to save his dad at the last moment by dropping a line for him, and the two escape.
EXT. SPACE COLONY – WALKWAY – NIGHT
Isaiah insists on a different way from his Dad. With the hosts still tailing them, Sully pushes Isaiah in the direction he believes they need to go, leading to Isaiah falling through the same weak point as before, onto an alien spore nest that infects Isaiah.
INT. SPACE COLONY – ALIEN SPORE NEST/VENTS – NIGHT
Sully, holding his breath, pulls Isaiah out of the nest and places replaces Isaiah’s broken ventilation mask with his. He kills another host and seals the way to them as best he can.
INT. SPACE COLONY LIVING QUARTERS – NIGHT
Sully and Isaiah make it back to their hideout. Though Sully is upset that Isaiah left the safety of the closet he was in, he thanks Isaiah for saving him, and admits he should’ve listened.
INT/EXT. SPACE COLONY – NIGHT
The Liquidators arrive in force to exterminate the alien threat and any infected, while Sully gathers as much of the Spy’s evidence as he can. Sully and Isaiah try to hide, but Isaiah develops a cough, drawing the attention of liquidators and aliens alike.
CONT.
Sully apologizes to his son and asks him for help, while the two are surrounded. A shotgun blast goes off, killing one of the hosts, while two more tear into a liquidator.
INT. SPACE COLONY HALLWAYS AND HIDEAWAYS – NIGHT
Isaiah and Sully try sneaking around the carnage surrounding them, but Liquidators find and chase after the two. Sully releases the alien worm he locked up earlier, and the two make a break for it and escape.
INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL – NIGHT
Sully and Isaiah make it to the ship, but are found out due to Isaiah’s coughing that’s getting worse. With nowhere else to hide, the two run like hell to the Medical Bay.
INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT
They make it to the medical bay and lock themselves inside. Meanwhile, military and liquidators try to break in to kill the two. Sully and Isaiah work together, against the clock, to extract the alien eggs that are growing rapidly in Isaiah’s chest.
CONT.
The extracted eggs start to hatch, but Sully pours a liquid substance over the hatching worms, killing them.
INT. LIQUIDATOR VESSEL/MEDICAL BAY – NIGHT
Sully holds his son close as military personnel break in. Sully reveals the Hegemony’s involvement with the outbreaks, but an officer pulls out his firearm to shoot the father and son.
CONT.
The liquidators form a wall around Sully and retaliate against the officer and his men, setting the stage for a mutiny.
INT. LIQUIDATOR’S VESSEL/ESCAPE POD – NIGHT
One of the conscripted liquidators gathers up Sully’s documents and gets Sully and his son to an escape pod. He hands the documents to Sully and tells them to get the word out.
INT. ESCAPE POD/SPACE
Sully and Isaiah are jettisoned from the vessel aboard an escape pod. Sully holds Isaiah tight, as the two watch the planet they were colonizing fade into the distance.
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PS81 – Dana’s Pass #9: Flag Scenes to Solve Elevate
What I learned during this assignment:
Working backward from the end of my outline, I was able to add scenes to improve the transitions and elevate the suspense.
ELEVATED/ADDES SCENES
INCITING INCIDENT. Originally, I had the producer hang up on the caller. But to better engage the audience, I have the antagonist get into an argument with his violent personality and the phone call drops out, leaving the psychiatrist and her producer wondering.
A moment before we confirm the protagonist’s husband and daughters have been kidnapped, the detective is told the phone number of the caller belongs to the psychiatrist’s husband. Inserting this scene, splitting the protagonist and antagonist conversation, creates added suspense.
After the killing of the psychiatrist’s husband, the station manager deals with the owner of the station in a heated exchange about dead air and station policy. This shows the pressure on the supporting cast.
I elevated the torment my protagonist endures during her conversation with the antagonist. The calmer and more controlled he remains pushes her desperation. And later, when she pushes her patient to the brink, her anguish tortures her.
I also found a few short scenes that interrupted the suspense of the script. I added a voiceover of the protagonist and antagonist conversation to connect the scene and continue the suspense.
To show the ghoulish nature of the media and the sudden interest in Ellen’s dilemma, I added a scene with a receptionist watching the TV vans pull up outside the radio station.
FIRST TIME CALLER – STRUCTURE OUTLINE
1. INT./EXT. ELLEN’S CAR – DAY
Stuck in morning traffic, Ellen is late for work. She receives a phone call from her producer. Ellen is missing the station manager’s meeting with the on-air talent. Shit! Ellen completely forgot.
Anxious, Ellen answers a call from her husband, Roger. His car won’t start, and he’s called Uber and will drop their daughters at school before heading to work. But he needs Ellen to pick them up after her radio show. They argue about her new career interfering with their family, and when she hangs up, she spills coffee on her skirt.
2. EXT. STATION – DAY
Ellen parks and, grappling with her purse and briefcase, hurries inside.
3. EXT. RECEPTION – DAY
Ellen’s producer meets her in a panic. She takes Ellen’s purse and briefcase and hurries Ellen into the conference room.
4. INT. CONFERENC ROOM – DAY
Ellen enters a packed room. Sheepishly, she sits down in the last empty chair as the meeting is adjourned. She’s mortified.
The station manager meets privately with Ellen. He’s concerned about her ratings. She spends too much time with one caller. She’s not supposed to cure her callers. She’s supposed to advise them and move on. She needs to get her ratings up or he will have to release her.
5. INT. RESTROOM – DAY
Her producer enters looking for her. She keeps the men out while she and Ellen talk. Ellen tells her about the station manager’s meeting. Her producer tells Ellen not to worry. Fear his motivational speech. “He’s no Tony Robbins.”
Ellen confesses her fears. She was middle of her class in medical school and residency. Her advisor advised against academics. Ellen tells her producer about the argument with her husband. Maybe he’s right. They talk about husbands and family.
Her producer rebuilds her confidence. All they need is one great show.
6. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
One minute to air, the station manager enters. Ellen’s producer scolds him for his poor people skills dealing with Ellen, making her more self-conscience and nervous before the show. He’s a schmuck, and he knows it. But the station owner is concerned. He tells her that he’s already interviewed Ellen’s replacement.
7. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen settles in at her microphone. She notices the station manager hovering. She’s more nervous. Ellen welcomes her listeners. She’s smooth and controlled. Her producer announces first caller, but the call is boring. Ellen delves too deep into theory.
8. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
The station manager leaves, disappointed. The producer screens the next caller, Jason, who suffers from multiple personality disorder. She puts him through immediately.
INCIDINT INDICENT
9. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen engages the caller. When she recognizes Jason as her ex-patient, she advises the audience that she cannot continue the conversation on-air. Before she can end the call, Jason yells at Ellen not to hang up. His more dominant and violent personality has kidnapped her family, and he intends to kill one every hour on air unless she excises the personality by the end of the show.
Stunned, Ellen questions Jason about his threat. Jason suddenly engages in a muddled argument with someone – himself – and the call drops.
Her producer goes to a commercial.
10. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
The station manager returns. He quips about boring calls.
11. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen tells them about Jason. An ex-patient who suffered from DID (dissociative identity disorder).
Ellen grabs the studio phone and calls her husband. The call goes to voicemail. She calls the school to ask about her children. Her children have not arrived yet. Maybe they’re just late. The school will call when they arrive.
The station manager leaves to call the police due to policy.
Ellen’s producer keeps her from unravelling. Ellen takes the next call, but she is clearly distracted, concerned about her family’s safety.
12. INT. DETECTIVE SQUAD – DAY
Detective Sorenson is assigned the investigation by his lieutenant. He’s alone. His partner’s in court. The lieutenant has no-one else. Sorensen accepts the case believing it’s a snipe hunt. A crank caller to a radio station. Just in case, the lieutenant will get department ready.
13. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen is on air with another caller. During the break, she tries her husband again. Nothing. Calls his work. He hasn’t arrived. And the school still hasn’t called back. She’s getting more nervous.
14. INT. RECEPTION – DAY
Sorenson arrives at the station. The receptionist calls the station manager who greets Sorenson. He explains the situation and takes Sorenson to meet Ellen.
15. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
The station manager introduces Sorenson to Ellen and her producer. He starts to question Ellen.
16. INT. ON-AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen explains Jason was non-violent, homeless, has a sister in Memphis. She transferred him to another psychiatrist when she quit her practice for radio. Psychiatrist’s name?
Anyone ever threaten her or her husband? Can she think of anyone who would want to harm her or her family? Sorenson reassures Ellen not to panic. It may be an admin screw up. He’ll send units to her daughter’s school and her husband’s work. He asks for a private room.
Ellen takes the next call, decidedly more unnerved.
17. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Sorenson calls his station. Track the phone number. Find the Uber driver. Put out an APB on Jason. Check homeless shelters. Find someone who knows him or knows where he might be. And call the psychiatrist and see if they can get Jason’s patient records.
FIRST TURNING POINT – END OF ACT 1
18. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
The producer screens another call. Ryan. “Long time listener. First time caller.” He engages Ellen in polite conversation for a moment. Ellen is perplexed why he called.
19. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Sorenson learns that the phone number belongs to Roger Landry, Ellen’s husband. What?
20. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ryan has someone he knows Ellen would like to talk to. Ryan puts Ellen’s husband – Roger – on the phone. Roger confirms he and their two daughters have been kidnapped. Ryan, Jason’s the violent personality, has taken control.
21. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
The station manager calls Sorensen backs into the control booth.
22. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Sorenson enters the control room to hear Ryan explain the rules. The show must never leave the air, even for a commercial. He will only speak to Ellen. If she can’t talk him down, he’ll shoot one of her family members at the top of the hour, 37 minutes away.
23. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Sorenson coordinates the investigation. Track the husband’s phone. Find the Uber driver. SWAT on standby. Negotiator? No! Find the sister in Memphis.
24. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen, in shock, begins pleading with Ryan. She wants to talk to her family. Ryan won’t allow it. Why is he doing this? She failed Jason. She abandoned him for the “circus” (radio), and today he – Ryan – is giving her second chance to redeem herself.
25. EXT. STATION – DAY
TV vans arrive. Reporters and camera men jump out.
26. INT. RECEPTION – DAY
The receptionist spies a TV van arriving outside and calls the manager.
27. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
The manager steps from the control booth. He tells Sorensen about the media. Sorenson says no statements. Jason is probably watching TV. Lock down the station. Sorenson requests units for crowd control at the station.
28. RECEPTION – DAY
The barbarians are at the gate. The manager is stunned as he sees reporter outside the doors and more showing up.
29. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Sorenson still on the phone. Jason’s psychiatrist says Jason has missed last two appointment, but he can’t release the patient’s records without a court order. That will take too long.
30. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen doctors her patient, but Ryan won’t allow Jason to return. “He’s weak and stupid. Like Freido, from the Godfather. Did she see that movie?” The clock is coming up on the first hour.
31. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
Sorenson returns. He listens to Ellen and Ryan spar. He gets a call. The cops can’t get a fix on the husband’s phone. But the Uber driver who picked him up with their daughters did not complete the ride. His car’s GPS indicates he’s at home. And he’s not responding to calls. SWAT is enroute to the location.
Sorenson asks the producer how to communicate with Ellen and she types out a message for Ellen to read on her computer screen.
32. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen is engaged with Ryan, talking him down. She reads the message.
INSERT SCREEN SHOT: Uber driver found. SWAT is close. Stall.
33. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY
The SWAT commander instructs his men on the plan. It’s a hostage situation.
34. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen engages Ryan, still working him.
35. INT. HOUSE – DAY
SWAT breaches the front door and storms inside.
36. INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The Uber driver is dead, ducked taped to a chair and tortured. He’s been dead more than a day. SWAT finds the husband’s phone. The SWAT commander relays the message.
37. INT. CONTROL ROOM – DAY
Sorenson is informed. It’s not Jason. But they found the husband’s phone. Jason is using a spoof number, an App that uses her husband’s phone number to disguise his own.
38. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Laughing at the police incompetence, Ryan informs Ellen it’s time for her choose which member of her family must die. Unable to choose, Ryan threatens one of her daughters, and when Ellen pleads for her not to be harmed, Ryan tells her that she has chosen by default.
Ellen listens as Jason drags her husband, Roger, into the room. Roger tells Ellen he loves her just before Ryan shoots him on air. Ryan employs radio jargon about taking a break and hangs up.
Ellen flees from the booth through a secondary door, hysterical.
39. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Sorenson grabs her, and she falls into his arm on the floor, sobbing out of control. She says she’s going to be sick. He races her to the restroom.
40. INT. RESTROOM – DAY
Sorenson kicks open the door. Ellen falls into a stall and throws up. Sorenson tries to comfort her, to keep her strong. She slaps him hard, taking out her frustration on him. She collapses to the floor and tells him she cannot go on.
Sorenson tells her that Roger may be still alive, they “don’t know what we don’t know.” And she can’t stop. She must be strong for her daughters.
41. STATION MANAGER’S OFFICE – DAY
The station manager is handling the chaos. He’s on the phone with the station owner arguing over station policy, dead air, commercials. Finally, he slams down the phone, frustrated and angry.
42. INT. RESTROOM – DAY
Still on the floor, Sorenson holds Ellen as she recovers from the shock. He asks what she can tell him about Jason. She says her old patient files are on her laptop in her office.
The producer enters. The caller is back on-air and asking for Ellen.
43. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen, barely able to speak, sits back down at her microphone to engage with Jason/Ryan. But it’s someone new. A young boy, Bobby. Jason’s protective personality. She engages Bobby about her husband. Roger is dead in the room. The daughters are in another room. Ellen is silently breaking down.
44. INT. OFFICE – DAY
Sorenson opens and starts Ellen’s laptop. INSERT SHOT: In the FIND box, he types Jason’s full name. The file pops up. He opens it. We see his picture for the first time.
MIDPOINT
45. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen falters. She becomes silent, wiping tears. She goes deep into thought.
46. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
Her producer, in tears herself, and station manager are worried. They try to get her to reengage Bobby. Sorenson enters carrying Jason’s printed patient file. Everyone looks to him concerned.
47. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
A determined visage appears in Ellen’s eyes. Her emotions under control. She speaks with Bobby about Jason, about his past personalities, specifically one named William. Does Bobby remember William? The others wonder what she’s doing.
48. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
Sorenson scans Jason’s patient file. He’s stunned by what he reads. He looks up at Ellen in shock, realizing what she intends. The William personality is manic-depressive and suicidal.
Sorenson warns Ellen that her strategy is dangerous and ill-advised.
49. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen, still engaged with Bobby, stared down Sorenson and the others a vengeful glare, and turns. She’s determined to save her daughters – her way. She’s becoming the psychiatrist she needs to become.
50. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
Sorenson realizes Ellen’s in control now.
51. INT. ON AIR BOOTH – DAY
Ellen delves into Bobby’s memory to draw out William’s personality. Bobby resists. He never liked William.
52. INT. CONTROL BOOTH – DAY
Sorenson receives a call from the police. They have tracked down Jason’s sister. They transfer the call to him. He steps out to take the call.
53. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
The sister tells Sorenson everything she knows. Will she talk to her brother on air? He returns to the control booth.
54. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen is still trying to draw out William. A message on the computer screen. Jason’s sister is on the phone. Ellen asks Bobby if Jason will speak to his sister. She puts the sister on air. Ellen listens to Jason’s sister plead for him to stop.
The power of the sister’s plea twists Ellen’s emotions, and we see her inner torment. But when the sister cannot convince Jason stop, Ellen she remains resolute, reaching deeper into Jason to draw William out.
55. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Based on the information from the sister, the department alerts Sorenson they may have a lead on Jason’s location. But they need time. Sorenson warns they’re running out of time!
SECOND ACT TURNING POINT
56. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
William finally reveals himself. Although anguished by the harm she’s causing her patient, Ellen pushes him toward his depressive state. Does he want the death of her children on his conscience? She presses that the only way to stop Ryan is for William to kill him. But that means killing himself.
William pleads for Ellen to stop, but she presses. If he wants peace, he must find the strength to do what he knows he must do. Ellen pushes hard, her tears running, almost unable to speak, torturing herself, sacrificing her humanity to save her daughters.
CRISIS: Ryan intercedes again, realizing what Ellen is attempting to do, and threatens to kill one of her daughters.
57. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Sorenson on the phone. They have a fix on Jason. Units are on the way.
58. EXT. BRIDGE – DAY
The SWAT van and police cars, lights on, racing across the bridge. The scene is silent but for the VOICEOVER of Ellen manipulating William.
59. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen confronts Ryan, pitting William against him. She’s full psychiatric mode now. She sets the two personalities against one another. They flip back and forth, the gun in hand, fighting for dominance.
Sorenson signals five minutes away.
60. INT. SWAT VAN – DAY
The SWAT team getting ready.
61. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen pushes William to take control and stop Ryan once and for all, to save her daughters.
62. INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Sorenson on his phone. SWAT is almost there. Minutes away. Sorensen yells they’re running out of time.
CLIMAX
63. INT. ON AIR STUDIO – DAY
Ellen pushes even harder. The two personalities yelling, one then the next, like two people arguing. William pleads for Ellen to stop. Ellen tells him to look at her daughters. She tells him their names. Don’t let Ryan kill them.
The gun goes off. Nothing. Silence.
Ellen stands, staring at everything and nothing. She looks to the others. They all wait, holding their breathes. We hear SWAT kick the door. Noise. Confusion. The call drops.
Ellen, almost unable to breathe.
Sorenson bursts into the studio. Jason is dead. Her daughters are safe.
Ellen collapses, sobbing in Sorenson’s arms. “What did I do? What did I do?”
64. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY
Press and photographers surround the station. Sorenson walks Ellen out to a waiting car. She’s wrapped in a blanket, emotionally drained.
65. INT. CAR – DAY
The car pulls away from the station. Ellen looks back at Sorenson who’s watching her leave. She places her hand against the glass to wave goodbye.
66. EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY
Sorenson watches Ellen drive away. Camera flashes and questions assail him.
67. INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
Sorenson enters the squad room. The detectives stand and applaud. He’s given a heroes’ welcome. His lieutenant tells him to take the rest of the day.
Sorenson sits at his desk as everyone gets back to work. He receives a call, a physician from a local clinic. The physician tells Sorenson that he had been holding Jason for observation at his clinic under a different name for the past 10 days. Confused, Sorenson opens his computer. What’s the name? Randy Armstrong. He’s in the system. Sorensen types in the other name.
COMPUTER SCREEN: Jason’s picture pops up under Randy Armstrong. The physician didn’t put the face to the name until he saw Jason’s picture television.
Frantic, Sorenson opens Jason’s patient file. He scans the names of his other personalities.
INSERT JASON’S FILE. Sorenson’s finger drags down the page and finds Randy Armstrong listed as one of Jason’s other personalities.
The physician tells Sorenson that Randy was released and picked up by an Uber ride matching the dead Uber driver’s car an hour before Ellen’s family was kidnapped.
Stunned, Sorenson realizes there had to be someone else involved.
CUT TO BLACK
VOICE OVER: A morning talk show host is talking about Dr. Ellen.
DISSOLVE TO:
68. EXT. CITYSCAPE – MORNING
VOICE OVER: A week has now passed. The host discusses the aftermath. One caller agrees with what Ellen did. Another doesn’t. The next caller tells the host he loves the show. It’s Ryan’s voice, who says, “I’m a long times listener. First time caller.”
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Arthur’s Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this is? Identifying problems in your story in the outline phase will improve the script dramatically.
Pool reporter Skyler Hardwick’s live broadcast introduces the crew of the International Deep Space Research Spacecraft Reliant and their mission to test a new Tesla Space Shield for interstellar travel. The broadcast is interrupted by an emergency transmission from NASA.
EXT SPACE
Looking at the earth with the moon in the background as a massive spaceship with two counter-rotating rings at its center ENTERS from the left side of the frame. The name Reliant is prominent on its bow.
INT RELIANT
International pool reporter, Skyler Hardwick takes us through the spacecraft, introducing the live audience to the Reliant’s crew. From the rear of the ship moving froward we meet the following personnel as each gives her a brief on the job on the mission:
Oleg Ryakin – Russian male Mechanical engineer, PhD – designer of the antimatter containment field that powers the ship.
Nico Lee – Chinese female anti-matter propulsion physicist, PhD.
Tara Cooper – black French female scalar wave and Quantum physicist, PhD.
Diego Quinn – male Hispanic life science specialist. MD. PhD.
Chase Douglas – US black male 1st Officer and celestial navigation specialist. PhD
Reilly Ryan – US white female Captain and nuclear physicist, PhD
(Improve this scene by establishing each character’s unique quality in being part of the crew)
INT RELIANT – BRIDGE
The interview concludes with Capt. Reilly explains to Skyler that this mission is to test the new Tesla Shield that is necessary to protect the spacecraft from objects it cannot maneuver to avoid as it travels near the speed of light. Reilly blindsides her by asking if she feels she is the right person to lead this mission having been the captain and only survivor of a five-man crew in an aborted takeoff less than four years ago. At this moment an emergency klaxon goes off. Skyler concludes the broadcast as Chase calls for the captain to join him in the Command Module.
2. Inciting Incident
NASA informs the Reliant a Coronal Mass Ejection that was thought to be bypassing earth, masked a larger one behind it that will hit the earth and the Reliant in minutes. With no time to use the shuttle to return to earth before the CME hits, Captain Reilly and the crew determine that using the untested Tesla Shield is their only hope of surviving. A scramble begins to initiate the shield before the CME arrives.
INT COMMAND MODULE
A circular module with a six-foot diameter table at its center. Chase is sitting at one of the six chairs surrounding the table, each with its own workstation. As the rest of the crew enters Chase displays a 3D projection above the table. The NASA Flight Director, Jack Stone, appears on the screen and informs the crew of a Coronal Mass ejection from the sun that is to pass by the earth in moments masked a larger CME that is going to hit the earth with devastating effect in less than six hours. He projects a 3D model of the CME hitting and destroying satellites, the space station, and the Reliant as it penetrates the earth’s magnetic field destroying all modern electronics. He shows another projection of an even larger earth-destroying CME hitting in 48 hours. He tells the crew that all manned space stations are being evacuated to earth, including the Reliant.
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
The Tesla Shield saves the crew of the Reliant, however, the electronics on earth have been knocked out. Analyzing a solar observation satellite, the crew discovers an extinction-level CME is headed to earth in 48 Hours. They determine the Tesla Shield may be modified to save the earth but they need a lot more power. With no help from earth available, they will have to journey to the unmanned moon base to retrieve a nuclear reactor.
INT COMMAND MODULE
With barely enough time to travel back to earth before the CME hits, Captain Reilly orders the crew to prepare to abandon the ship in the shuttle. Tara stops them all by bringing up a 3D representation of the ship and asks why they can’t save the trillion-dollar ship by using the Tesla Shield. She plays the 3D rendering from NASA but adds the Tesla Shield protecting the ship. Reilly reminds her they are under orders, the shield has never been tested, and if it fails, they’ll all be killed. Chase argues that if they don’t try it the CME will have killed the space program for decades. Oleg weighs in that he’s for trying the shield and Nico agrees it should work. Diego reminds them if they go to earth, they will live but it will be like being in the 1800s with no electricity or electronic devices.
FLASHBACK SPACE SHUTTLE
Reilly in pilots seat as the shuttle roars toward space, the control panel suddenly flashes red as one of the three main engines blows up sending fragment into the other two. She and the copilot run through the abort check list and frantically hi switches and pull levers as they other four crew members watch helplessly from their seats. Someone calling her name brings her back to he present moment: “Reilly!”
INT COMMAND MODULE
Reilly snaps back to the present and tells them that she cannot order anyone to do this. It has to be unanimous, or they all go home. She asks Tara, Nico, and Oleg what are the odds. Tara 60/40, Oleg 70/30, Nico 50/50. Reilly tells the crew to go to their quarters, talk it over with their families, then they will vote. Skyler asks if she gets a vote. Reilly tells Skyler no; she is being sent home in an escape pod.
(Create more conflict among the characters in this scene to raise the stakes at the choice between life and death)
INT NICO’S QUARTERS
Her parents praise her for her contribution and willingness to stay aboard the Reliant. It is evident that they are not used to expressing emotions, however, Nico cannot stop the tears from rolling down her face.
(Enhance the subtext of this scene that her whole life has been about achievement when her true desire has been personal interaction and emotional expression)
INT CHASE’S QUARTERS
Chase talks with his mom, dad, and sister who have been brought to the underground bunker at NASA for the CME event. They are concerned he didn’t come back to earth but understand his reasons. ( Make an undertone in this scene that there is something in his personal life he would like to tell them but is unable to)
INT ENGINEERING
Oleg talks with his wife and daughter who are in an underground bunker in Moscow. The big bear of a man reveals his soft side while talking with his daughter.
INT TARA’S QUARTERS
Tara talks with her stepparents at their vineyard. It’s an emotional exchange as her parents assure her, they will be fine in their underground cask aging room.
INT DR. QUINN’S QUARTERS
Dr. Quinn talks with his wife, son, and daughter who are in a bunker outside Washington, DC. He encourages his kids to think of this as a great adventure and to help their mom who can’t suppress her tears.
INT SKYLER’S QUARTERS
Skyler talks with her soon-to-be ex-husband news anchor who tells her the reason she can’t reach her parents is that they are being relocated to a bunker in Colorado. He is going to stay on the air as long as possible during the CME. Skyler tells Jim she is staying with the ship. Their conversation exposes unfulfilled expectations and regrets.
INT BRIDGE
Reilly talks to the only remaining member of her family: her dad, Buck. She laughs that everyone at JPL thought he was crazy when he retired as a top engineer and converted an old Atlas missile silo into a house, but now it looks like was smarter than all of them. He reminds her to try and contact him on the ham frequency after the CME as everything else will be down. An alert on the console ends their chat and Reilly calls everyone back to their stations.
(Intent of this scene is to show the human side of Reilly, her dad is one of the few people who can read her and cut to the underlying issues)
EXT BUCK’S SILO
Buck exits his silo and looks up to the sky. He pushes a button on the remote he is holding and the blast doors to his silo begin closing as he heads inside.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Reilly calls for a vote. Everyone raises their hand except for Reilly and Skyler, who asks if she gets a vote. Reilly tells Skyler no; she is being sent home in an escape pod. Then Reilly raises her hand to make it unanimous. She orders Chase to prep Skyler for evacuation and the rest of the crew to prep the shield. Skyler asks Chase why they can’t just use the engines on the ship to move out of the way? Chase tells her it would take 12 hours to spin up the anti-matter drives.
Reilly video calls Jack to let him know what the crew has decided to do and Skyler is being sent home in an escape pod. Skyler enters the bridge and asks both of them to let her stay. Someone needs to document what happens. They give her the OK.
INT ENGINEERING
Oleg scrambles to bring the fusion generator up to full power as Nico works with the AI computer to calculate the energy output necessary for the shield generation. Tara confers with both as she aligns the frequency generator. It’s organized chaos.
INT RELIANT (MONTAGE)
Skyler moves among the crew as they scramble to bring the Tesla Shield up to full power with her AI video bot documenting the process.
EXT RELIANT
A large mast begins to extend from the front and rear of the Reliant. As it reaches its full extension a web shape in the form of an umbrella unfolds at the top of the mast.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Reilly, Tara, Nico, and Quinn sit at workstations with screens deployed from the tabletop with Skyler moving around behind them videoing their actions. A 3D presentation of the ship earth and the approaching Coronal Mass Ejection is projected above the center of the table. They talk with Chase at the helm and Oleg in engineering over the com system. The countdown to impact on the screen reads 3 minutes.
EXT RELIANT
Thrusters fire slowly turning the ship to face the sun.
INT BRIDGE
Chase confirms that he has maneuvered the ship for a head-on strike by the CME.
INT ENGINEERING
Oleg moves quickly among all the fission reactor controls, tweaking them for maximum output. Tells them he’s ready to test-fire the shield.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Reilly orders Tara to fire the shield.
EXT RELIANT
A burst of blue plasma engulfs the umbrella-like structure on the front of the mast and then extends in an oblong shape connecting to the mast at the rear of the ship covering the shielding the ship 360 degrees.
INT COMMAND MODULE
A sigh of relief and cheers go up from the crew at the successful test. At that moment the countdown hits Zero.
EXT RELIANT
The coronal mass ejection hits the Tesla Shield and blossoms around the shield in a fiery arc trailing miles behind it.
INT ENGINEERING
Klaxon begin to blare overload warnings as Oleg struggles to maintain maximum power output.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Nico and Tara struggle to keep the Shield power and frequency modulation in alignment as Reilly moves to the bridge.
INT BRIDGE
Chase is having trouble keeping the Reliant facing the CME. Reilly joins him on the controls and tells Oleg they need more power from the thrusters. The weakest part of the shield is its sides. Reilly tells Chase to do his best, she has an idea. She is going to use the shuttle’s engines to keep them in alignment.
Reilly moves through the module and climbs the ladder to the shuttle dock. Skyler follows her as Nico and Tara struggle to keep the Shield power and frequency modulation in alignment as Reilly moves to the bridge to share data and adjustments to the shield. Tara tells everyone they are taking too much side stress on the shield.
INT SHUTTLE
Reilly jumps into the command seat buckles up and starts up the instrument panel. She sees Skyler tell her to buckle up and then fires the shuttle’s main engines without undocking from the Reliant. Using the main engine and thrusters she pushes the Reliant back into a head-on alignment with the CME.
EXT EARTH
The Coronal Mass Ejection strikes the earth’s atmosphere pushing deeply into the protective envelope in a burst of rainbow colors.
MONTAGE: CME HITS MAJOR CITIES
MONTAGE: As CME hits major cities in Europe, Russia, the US. The electromagnetic pulse knocks out power, explodes transformers, and destroys all unshielded electronics.
INT BRIDGE
Warning indicators flash, Chase tells Reilly she is overstraining the shuttle docking coupler. Reilly asks Tara how much longer the CME will last. Tara indicates only a few more seconds.
EXT RELIANT
The coronal mass ejection flares in one last push against the Tesla Shield.
INT ENGINEERING
There is a flash in the engine room and Oleg dives behind the control panel as thousands of volts of electricity arc throughout the engine room as the fission reactor safety circuitry shuts it down.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Nico yells that they are losing the shield.
INT SHUTTLE
Reilly kills the engines just as the CME is passing.
EXT RELIANT
The last remnants of the CME arc across the Reliant knocking out all the electrical systems. The CME has passed leaving the Reliant adrift.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Emergency lights engage with the power blackout. Reilly and Skyler emerge from the shuttle dock, joining Tara, Nico, Quinn. Oleg calls in and tells them the fusion reactor is damaged and will not produce enough power to use the shield again, only enough to power the ship’s systems. With no help from earth they need another reactor. Reilly orders a full systems check out to see what has been damaged and needs repair.
EXT BUCKS SILO
The last remnants of the CME blast across the landscape of Buck’s silo. Electricity dances across the electrical wires and transformers explode in a gigantic fireworks display. As soon as the electrical storm has passed a circular metal hatch opens and the antenna mast extends 30 feet into the air.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
The Tesla Shield has saved the Reliant and crew from the CME, however, the fusion reactor powering the shield has been damaged and will only power the systems on the ship, not the shield.
INT COMMAND MODULE
The normal lighting pops back on as Oleg has completed repairs in engineering. Tara reports all coms with NASA and other earth stations have been lost. Skyler reports that there is no response to her network down link. Reilly asks Tara to try the 160-meter band. A staticy transmission is heard….it’s Buck!
INTERCUT: BUCK’S SILO & COMMAND MODULE
Reilly tells Buck their situation with the damaged reactor that can’t be repaired. The next CME in 48 hours will kill them and the earth. Buck reminds her she doesn’t need one from the earth when there is one on the remote-controlled mining station on the moon that JPL helped set up two years ago.
EXT RELIANT
The ship passes through FRAME over the darkened earth.
5. Mid-Point
With other members of the crew needed to maneuver the Reliant in a sling-shot orbit around the moon. Captain Reilly must enlist the aid of the pool reporter, Skyler, to help her retrieve the reactor from the moon base. Skyler is shocked to learn the only way to get to the moon base is by crash landing the shuttle near the base and then using the earth return lunar spacecraft at the moon base to rendezvous with the Reliant.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Reilly questions the crew regarding the trip to the moon to retrieve the fusion reactor, modifying it to shield earth and making it back in 36 hours. Nico says anti-matter drive is made for near light speed but could be pulsed at low power to get them there in 12 hours. Chase says the problem is slowing down enough to sling-shot around the moon and back to earth. Oleg adds they will just turn 180 and use the engines as brakes. Tara asks how the shuttle will land on the moon? Reilly responds that she will crash land the shuttle on the moon, acquire the reactor and then we’ll use the earth return rocket to rendezvous with the Reliant. Skyler asks who we is? Reilly tells her, you and me. Everyone else is crucial to modifying the ship for the improved shield.
(Improve this scene so that Skyler going to the moon to help out is in some way her idea: or she is hesitant to go and has to overcome her fear for the success of the mission)
INT ENGINEERING
Skyler approaches Oleg and Nico trying to configure the anti-matter drive for the moon mission. Skyler asks them what they think their chances are. Oleg pulls out a bottle of Vodka and hands it to her as he explains they are re-engineering systems that would normally take years into just a few hours. It will either work or they will blow up like an exploding star. Skyler takes a big hit from the bottle.
INT MEDICAL BAY
Tara, Quinn, and Reilly discuss a problem. Tara tells the two that with her calculations of the “super shield” they are making, the electromagnetic radiation will far exceed the shielding of the ship to protect the crew. Quinn tells them he may be able to make a serum of stem cell replicators that will mitigate the damage.
INT BRIDGE
Chase is using the 3D Quantum computer to program Reliant’s voyage to the moon when Reilly enters. An argument ensues about why Chase is not taking the shuttle to the moon. Reilly tells him he’s wanted this command over her. Now is his time to prove he is capable. Chase believes she is trying to save the crew by risking her life instead of his due to her previous loss of her entire shuttle crew. Skyler, just out of sight overhears the exchange.
(Improve this scene by enhancing the conflict between Reilly and Chase)
INT ENGINEERING
Nico taps a final command into her iPad and the two countering rotating rings around the Reliant light up with blue plasma discharges. Oleg pats her on the back as they marvel at the sight. Oleg hits the coms button to confirm the anti-matter drive is ready to go.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Reilly and Skyler are looking at Tara’s 3D projection when they hear Oleg’s call. Reilly orders everyone to prepare to launch as she heads to the bridge. Quinn joins the group as they buckle up in their seats.
INT ENGINEERING
Nico and Oleg buckle up in their seats overlooking the engine control panels.
INT BRIDGE
Reilly counts down from 5 and then hits the thrusters.
EXT RELIANT
The Reliant flies through the left side of FRAME the four anti-matter drive thrusters glow red and the ship darts out of FRAME into the distant black illuminated by the moon.
INTERCUT: BRIDGE,COMMAND MODULE, ENGINEERING
INTERCUT: among the crew as the ship accelerates with increasing G-force.
INT BRIDGE
Chase calls out the speed 15…17….20,000 mph. Reilly cuts the power. Reilly calls out to crew 11.9 hours to shuttle launch.
INT SILO
Numerous display screens with readouts in front of Bucks console. He taps a few keys and brings up a satellite orbiting the moon. As it passes the moon mining base his eyebrows go up and he reaches for the ham radio.
EXT RELIANT
The Reliant moves toward the moon.
INT COMMAND MODULE
The entire crew is there. Reilly brings up a video image Buck relayed to them. The remote mining machines have been affected by the CME and are mining at random, some crashing into the base. Chase brings up a 3D model of their lunar mission: Reliant turning 180 brakings, the shuttle breaking off from Reliant, braking with its engines, crash landing on the moon, the earth return rocket rendezvousing with the Reliant after it slingshots around the moon. Skyler comments: with all that what could go wrong. Reilly orders the crew to take a food and rest break – they are going to need it.
INT MEDICAL BAY
Quinn is working on his serum when Skyler enters. She wants the doc to give her something to take for her nerves right before the shuttle launch. He is hesitant then gets an idea. He gives her an inhaler and tells her to take a hit whenever she gets nervous. Quinn smiles as she leaves.
INT CAFETERIA
The crew is finishing eating. The crew tells funny stories about each other from their year of training together: how they viewed each other then…and how they view each other now.
INT OBSERVATION DECK
Nico is alone starring at the approaching moon. Chase approaches and stands beside her. Two colleagues, then she takes his hand and squeezes it. We discover the reason Chase doesn’t have a girlfriend on earth is that for a year he has had a secret relationship with Nico.
INT CREW QUARTERS
Reilly walks past the sleeping crew and into the Command Module where Tara is working on a 3D Model of the enhanced shield. They share a quiet moment to reflect on the past 12 hours and how their mission went from advancing space travel to saving the world. Tara pulls out a bottle of French wine as they enjoy their last chance to decompress
EXT RELIANT
FADE IN
The Reliant rotates 180 degrees and the Anti-Matter Drive engages to begin braking.
INT BRIDGE
Chase calls out completion of the turn
INT ENGINE ROOM
Nico confirms anti-matter drive thrust is nominal. Oleg confirms the fusion reactor is stable.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Tara looks at the 3D Projection of the slingshot orbit and confirms they are on the right track and the shuttle launch is go. She begins a 10-second countdown. Dr. Quinn monitors the vitals of Capt Reilly and Skyler on the suttle. Skyler heart rate is spiking, he tells her to take some deep breaths.
INT SHUTTLE
Reilly at the helm, Skyler in the co-pilot seat. Both in full spacesuits. Skyler takes a hit off the inhaler doc gave her. The countdown hits zero. Reilly hits a series of switches, and the shuttle undocks from the Reliant.
EXT RELIANT
The shuttle pulls away from the Reliant. As it clears the mother ship the main engines fire to slow its descent.
INT BRIDGE
Chase looks out the window to see the shuttle braking hard with its engines at full thrust.
INT SHUTTLE
The vibration is intense as the two women are pulling 7 G’s in the deceleration. Skyler’s eyes are wide in fear. Reilly focuses on the engine readouts. She calls out over the comm that number three is running hot.
INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)
Reilly is in the pilot’s seat as the shuttle roars toward space, the control panel suddenly flashes red as one of the three main engines blows up sending fragments into the other two. She and the copilot run through the abort checklist and frantically hit switches and pull levers as the other four crew members watch helplessly from their seats. She orders the co-pilot to jettisons the solid boosters as she shuts down the main engine. She tells everyone to hold on as she rolls the shuttle inverted.
EXT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)
The solid boosters roll off each side of the shuttle as it rolls inverted with the engines off but on fire. It performs a 180-degree arc heading back toward the Florida space base.
INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)
Reilly fights the damaged controls and orders the copilot to use the forward thrusters to help get the nose up. Through the windshield, the ground is approaching fast…too fast… and they aren’t going to make the runway. Reilly drops the gear and deploys the speed brakes to slow down but there’s just not enough time.
EXT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)
The Shuttle flares over the ocean. The ground effect balloons the shuttle into the air it stalls and hits the water hard, With the left-wing down it cartwheels across the water.
INT SHUTTLE (FLASHBACK)
The shuttle occupants are tossed around in the violent cartwheel. A warning Klaxon goes off…..
INT SHUTTLE
Reilly snaps back to the present day and sees the overheat light on number three. She shuts it down.
INT COMMAND MODULE
As Tara looks at Reilly’s 3D moon entry telemetry go red, she relays to Reilly she will have to burn the other two engines longer to slow down and will have less time to rotate the ship 180 for the crash landing.
INT SHUTTLE
Skyler asks Reilly why the computer can’t fly them in. Reilly tells her the shuttle was not designed to do what they are asking of it. She hears Chase calling out the countdown of engine shut down. At zero she cuts the engines and hits the thrusters for rotation.
EXT SHUTTLE
The shuttle, approaching the moon stern first, flips over on its back and then rotates 180 degrees the moon rapidly approaching below.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Chase has joined Tara and Quinn at the 3D display. He tells Reilly she’s still going too fast.
INT SHUTTLE
Reilly looks out the windshield and sees the mining base rapidly approaching. She hits the forward thrusters, drops the landing gear, and uses the rear thrusters to drag the rear wheels across the smooth, previous mined, moon surface.
EXT MOON/ SHUTTLE
The rear wheels slam into the moon’s surface and plow two deep grooves in it.
INT SHUTTLE
Skyler screams as the vibration is twice as bad as the braking maneuver. Reilly holds the forward braking thrusters at full power until the nose suddenly slams to the ground.
EXT MOON/ SHUTTLE
As nose of the shuttle slams to the ground and the front and rear landing gear collapse. The shuttle continues to slide until it impacts and penetrates one of the dome-shaped structures disappearing inside.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Oleg and Nico have joined the group. Tara switches from the 3D view to a satellite overhead view of the mining base. All they see is a massive dust cloud engulfing the entire base. And no answering call to their transmissions to the shuttle. They lose visual as they begin their slingshot part of their orbit around the back of the moon.
EXT SHUTTLE
The door opens and Reilly exits with a bag of equipment followed by a shell-shocked Skyler. Reilly looks at a vid screen on her arm with a layout of the mining base. As she begins to move forward a gigantic shock wave knocks her and Skyler to their feet. An enormous mining machine with a rock-crushing grinder chews its way into the building. Reilly grabs Skyler and they barely escape the destructive grinding of the machine.
INT BUCK’S SILO
Buck looks at the same video image the crew of the Reliant saw; the mining base obscured by a cloud of moon dust. He hits a couple of buttons switching to infrared and sees the hot image of the shuttle inside the domed structure and two hot images moving away from it. He breathes a sigh of relief.
INT RELIANT COMMAND MODULE
Tara monitors the Reliant’s telemetry as red line flashes indicating their deviation from the green arc they should be on. She calls to Nico, now in the engine room with Oleg, that they are not braking hard enough with the anti-matter drive.
INT BRIDGE
Chase is monitoring their path and determines they have 10 minutes to correct the problem or they will blow past any way to sling-shot for the return to earth.
INT ENGINE ROOM
Nico tells the team the anti-matter drive was designed for long periods of acceleration, not short-term full power sprints, it’s losing power.
INT MOONBASE MINING FACILITY
Reilly and Skyler dodge car-sized ore carriers moving empty and full through the corridor leading to the reactor.
EXT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM
The door is locked, Reilly pulls out an electronic box and runs it over the lock. It opens and they enter.
INT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM
They enter and see four blue pulsing fusion reactors and an AI-bot running the control panel. The bot sees them and stands in an offensive posture. Reilly and Skyler look at each other. This is unexpected. The bot moves toward them with its claws extended. Reilly tells Skyler to run to the left. As the bot follows her, Reilly pulls out a plasma welder out of the tool bag and charges toward the back of the bot. The bot traps Skyler in a corner and is about to kill her with its claw when the center of its chest melts as the plasma welder cuts through its core. The two women share a sigh of relief.
INT MED BAY
Quinn looks up from the work on his serum. He suspends an advanced polymer in a clear paneled electron accelerator. He hits the coms button. Magnets!
INT BRIDGE
Magnets. Chase gets the idea and asks Tara if the frequency generation array is able to attract as well as repel.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Yes, it can! The array may be used as a giant electromagnet pointed at the moon to slow their speed. She hammers away at the keyboard as she asks Oleg what they may use for power?
INT ENGINEERING
Oleg looks to Nico and shrugs his shoulders. He hits the com and tells the team the fusion reactor is only able to run at 40% of capacity. They would need at least 50% to power the array.
INT BRIDGE
Chase thinks…an idea. What about daisy-chaining the small fusion reactor in the explorer satellite they were to launch on their first mission.
INT ENGINEERING
Oleg and Nico race to the launch bay where the satellite is housed. Oleg begins ripping open access panels on the satellite as Nico pulls cables out of the bay control panel.
EXT RELIANT
The frequency projection disk pans to the right aiming directly at the moon.
INT BRIDGE
Chase transmits they are 2 minutes away from the point of no return.
INT LAUNCH BAY
Nico makes the final connection and engages the power transfer on the control panel. She yells to Oleg to try it.
INT ENGINEERING
Oleg plugs in the final patch relay and hits the transfer switch. A humming noise emits from the panel and the blue plasma discharge from the fusion reactor glows brightly with the power reading rising to 51%. Oleg tells Tara to go!
INT COMMAND MODULE
Tara jams the array button and the entire ship begins to vibrate. She watches the 3D display to see if there is any change.
INT BRIDGE
Chase monitors the ship’s systems. Alarms begin to go off indicating in red parts of the ship that are experiencing overload stresses. The Tesla mast housing is showing extreme stress.
INT ENGINEERING
Nico is now with Oleg. It takes both of them to work the controls to keep both reactors in sync.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Tara tweaks the array as the 3D red arc slowly merges and disappears into the green arc.
INT BRIDGE
Chase watches the tracks emerge. Then yells for them to kill the array.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Tara kills the array as Oleg yells for her to wait until they uncouple the reactors.
INT ENGINEERING
Killing the array feedbacks into the reactor patch and an electrical surge blows Nico off the control panel and knocks her unconscious onto the floor. Oleg races to her side.
INT MOON BASE REACTOR ROOM
Reilly tells Skyler to hold the release bar as she pulls the fusion reactor cell out of the distro unit. The cell pops out of the unit and Reilly barely catches it before it hits the floor. They are both sweating. Let’s get the hell out of here.
(Improve the action here by having Reilly get stuck pulling out the reactor cell and Skyler has to improvise to save her)
INT MED BAY
Nico is on the med-bed unconscious as Chase, Tara, and Oleg watch. Her vitals are stable. Doc tells them it will take some time to see if there is any brain damage. Chase walks over to her whispers something into her ear and kisses her on the cheek. The others share a look among themselves that these two keep their secret live well hidden. Chase rises and tells the crew to prepare to rendezvous with Reilly and Skyler.
EXT MOONBASE
Reilly and Skyler emerge from the moon base and head toward the earth return rocket as the mining machines continue to wreak havoc destroying the base. In the distance, they see a mining rig headed for the earth return rocket!
INT BUCK’S SILO
Buck is waiting for the satellite to come over the horizon to see the moon base. As it does, he sees the miner heading for the earth return rocket. He gets busy typing commands into the keyboard.
INTERCUT BRIDGE, COMMAND MODULE & ENGINEERING
Chase counts down from 5 and engages the fusion thrusters to complete the sling-shot around the moon. The rest of the crew monitors their areas of the ship.
EXT MOON/ EARTH RETURN ROCKET
Reilly and Skyler struggle to get the reactor into the ship as the miner is approaching them. Reilly jumps into the pilot’s seat and runs through the start-up procedure. Skyler looks out the window and tells Reilly the miner is almost on them. Reilly yells at her to buckle up and stand by for launch.
THE CAMERA MOVES FROM SPACE TOWARDS THE MINER AND EARTH RETURN ROCKET ON THE MOON. A satellite MOVES INTO FRAME, thrusters wide open, and we follow it to the moon. We see the earth return about to be destroyed by the miner as the satellite impacts and destroys the miner in a giant explosion.
INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET
The explosion rocks the ship violently. Reilly hits the launch button and the ship’s rockets fire lifting them into space.
He stares intently at the screen which displays a huge plume of dust. The earth return rocket suddenly appears out of the cloud heading into space. Buck breaths a giant sigh of relief as we see on his screen he redirected the path of the satellite to collide with the miner, saving Reilly and Skyler.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
As the crew struggles with its damaged systems of the Reliant to keep it on a sling-shot orbit around the moon, Captain Reilly and Skyler crash land the shuttle by the moon base.
They discovered that the AI-controlled moon mining machines have been damaged by the CME and are destroying the base. They acquire the fusion reactor and launch back to the ship just as a mining machine strikes their spacecraft. Reilly struggles with the spacecraft, not designed for what they are making it do, and barely makes it to the Reliant.
INT BRIDGE
Chase in the pilot’s seat and Tara in the co-pilot seat. Tara confirms the radar lock-on Reilly’s rocket. Chase radios Oleg to open the shuttle door and stand by for rendezvous.
INT SHUTTLE BAY
Oleg in his spacesuit hits a button. The shuttle bay decompresses, and the large door opens, revealing a retreating moon behind them.
INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET
Reilly sees the Reliant ahead. Skyler observes they are approaching too fast. Reilly confirms that as she is applying full foreword thrusters to slow them down. She explains this ship was designed for earth return, not docking.
INT BRIDGE
Tara tells Chase they need to speed up now or Reilly’s ship will hit them like a torpedo. Chase asks Oleg if he may use the fusion reactor for a short burst. Hey yells yes…but quick!
Chase hits a button engaging the thrusters and pushes the throttle wide-open.
INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET
Reilly calls out of fuel for the thrusters as they zoom toward the shuttle bay. Suddenly, the Reliant bolts ahead with the fusion engines wide-open.
EXT RELIANT
The Reliant moves quickly ahead with Reilly’s ship about to impact the shuttle bay. Its speed is just enough for Reilly’s ship to enter the shuttle bay.
INT BRIDGE.
Tara reports overheat indications on the fusion reactor. Chase calls out engine shut down as he pulls back the throttles.
INT SHUTTLE BAY
Oleg has extended a catch net near the rear third of the bay. Reilly’s ship approaches and does a controlled crash landing in the bay. The catch net stops the ship inches from Oleg. Oleg radios Reilly she just set the record for the most space crash landings in one day. He closes the bay doors and heads toward the cargo hatch of the rocket.
INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET
Skyler is taking a hit-off doc’s inhaler. Reilly asks if she’s OK. Skyler replies that it’s nothing a change of underwear won’t fix.
INT BRIDGE
Chase and Tara share a look of relief. On the radio: Tells Reilly she just set the record for the most crash landings in space in one day.
INT EARTH RETURN ROCKET
Reilly radios to everyone to get ready for anti-matter drive firing to head back to earth. Chase tells her about Nico’s injury and their inability to fire it without her.
INT MED BAY
Quinn monitors Nico in a light wave modulation chamber with pulsing light frequencies healing her wounds. Reilly, Chase, and Skyler enter. Nico looks at them and smiles. She felt their arrival. Reilly asks if she can get up long enough to fire the anti-matter drive. Quinn protests but Nico rises and is ready to go.
INT ENGINEERING
Oleg stands by Nico, a little shaky on her feet, as she fires up the anti-matter drive.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Tara monitors the Reliant on the 3D display with Quinn and Skyler watching.
INT BRIDGE
Chase counts down ignition from 5 seconds. Reilly hit the ignition button and throttles the anti-matter drive up.
INT ENGINEERING
Nico, a little unsteady on her feet, and Oleg’s fingers dance across their keyboard balancing the of firing the anti-matter drive engine.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Tara monitors the Reliant’s 3D projection trajectory toward the earth. When they reach 25,000 mph she calls for engine shutdown.
INT BRIDGE
Chase cuts the throttles; however, nothing happens. She radios Nico.
INT ENGINEERING
Nico scrambles to find out what the problem is. Skyler comes in to document what is happening. Nico discovers it’s the coupler between the two counter-rotating disks circling the ship. Nothing she tries works. Tara on coms says if they don’t shut down in the next twenty seconds they will miss the earth. Oleg picks up a large pipe, walks over to the coupler, and hits it as hard as he can. There is a large clunk and the engine shuts down. Oleg looks at Nico and Skyler and smiles: brut force is sometimes the best way to make electronics behave.
INT COMMAND MODULE
All the crew is gathered around the 3D projection of the earth with the Reliant moving toward it. On the screen behind them, Tara has patched in a rough video image of Buck in his bunker. He updates him that the CME has knocked out a majority of the power and electronics of the earth. He plays images HAM radio operators have sent him of riots and looting around the planet. After he signs off, the group focuses on the timeline to get the new fusion reactor patched into the shield and prepare it for deployment. It is going to be tight. Reilly tells the crew all engineering controls need to be transferred and activated from the command module as it is the best-shielded compartment to protect them from the electromagnetic radiation they will be generating.
MONTAGE: COMMAND MODULE/ENGINEERING/BRIDGE
MONTAGE:
BRIDGE – Reilly and Chase work on programming the Reliant for the braking maneuver and pin-point positioning for firing the shield
ENGINEERING – Oleg and Nico secure the additional reactor and run jumper cables to the main power junction box assisted by Skyler who documents what they are doing to her bot flying around them. Oleg scolds her, less chat with bot more work.
COMMAND MODULE – Tara works on 3D projections of the expanded Tesla shield, using her frequency modulator she tries different frequencies and power levels to keep it stable. Her projections so far show the shield exploding. She’s concerned. Is this going to work?!!
INT MED LAB – Quinn pulls a vial out of a torsion field generation device. The liquid inside is electroluminescent.
INT CREW MESS
The exhausted crew gathers for a meal. The new fusion reactor is installed and ready. The tole of the last 32 hours has caught up to them. Quinn enters with an injection gun and explains to the crew they must take their shots now to give the serum enough time to activate before they deploy the shield. Chase volunteers to go first, doc injects him and Chase crashes to the floor as if dead. Doc rushes to him and Chase jumps up…he was kidding…everyone burst into needed laughter.
Reilly tells the crew to get a few hours rest before they perform the braking maneuver.
Tara confides to Reilly that she still has not found the resonate frequency to make the expanded shield work.
MONTAGE: CREW QUARTERS
MED BAY- Quinn looks at his last vid com with his family.
ENGINEERING – Oleg looks down at the swirling vortex the fusion reactor is creating in its plasma containment chamber as he looks at a picture of his wife and daughter.
OBSERVATION DECK – Chase and Nico hold hands and then kiss against the starscape swirling around them.
INT CREW QUARTERS – Skyler is playing back the video journal has been making of their journey. The editing scenes with music are powerful and emotional. Tears unexpectedly run down her face.
INT BRIDGE – Reilly talks with Buck on the ham radio expressing her misgivings about what they are attempting – Buck comforts her with the fact all is not determined by random acts but by the hand of a divine creator and He does not make mistakes.
COMMAND MODULE- Tara is at her wit’s end trying to figure out the new frequency for the extended shield. She puts her head back in her chair and drifts into a fitful sleep…dreams.
FLASHBACK – she is running through the grapevines. Laughing, not a care in the world.
She runs out onto the edge of a dock, grabs a large rock, and throws it far into the pond. It creates a series of waves that expand from small to very large.
Tara’s head snaps off the headrest back into the present. Her fingers dance across the keyboard and a new 3D Image pops up before her. This time the resonant frequency generator pulses the frequency waves in concentric circles radiating from the mask to the outer areas of the shield…and it is stable! She lets out a scream of joy! The recorder bot flies into the room to investigate the noise as Tara celebrates.
EXT RELIANT
The ship passes RIGHT TO LEFT toward the earth the sun directly off the bow. The ship begins to rotate 180 degrees. THE CAMERA stays with the rear of the ship as the anti-matter drive fires.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Quinn sits next to Tara with the 3D representation of the Reliant, earth, and the approaching earth-killing coronal mass ejection. She radios to the crew they are T-30 mins to impact.
INT ENGINEERING
Reilly calls for an anti-matter drive shut down. Nico pulls back on the anti-matter drive power, while Oleg preps the fusion reactors for the shield.
INT BRIDGE
Reilly initiates the 180-degree roll of the Reliant to face the approaching CME, Skyler watches from behind them. As soon as the roll is completed, Reilly calls for Tara to deploy the Tesla mast.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Tara attempts to deploy the mast, however, it won’t budge. All hands gather from the other modules This is a major problem. Reilly asks for any suggestions. Chase says this was his fault. He saw the mast module was under extreme pressure in the moon braking maneuver but didn’t think to check it out afterward. Reilly says too late to worry about water under the bridge how do they fix it. Oleg brings up the engineering diagram and they all gather around to look at it. Chase pauses has an idea and then moves quickly out the rear hatch.
7. Crisis
The new fusion reactor is barely installed as the Reliant takes a position to defend the earth. However, the Tesla mask which must be extended for the shield to work is damaged and will not deploy. With every possibility explored and failed, Chase Douglas, the first officer, sneaks off to the cargo bay, suits up, and exits on the space tug.
INT SHUTTLE HANGAR
Chase moves quickly to the space tug near the hanger door and gets inside. The hangar door opens the engine’s fire and he off.
EXT RELIANT -BRIDGE/ MAST MODULE
The space tug flies over the top of the reliant, does an inside loop, and stops in front of the stuck mast. Chase deploys the grappling arms and wraps them around the three-foot ball at the top of the mast.
INT SPACE TUG
Chase fires the engines full throttle, and the mast begins to jerk and barely move.
INT COMMAND MODULE
The ship lurches forward. They all look at each other. Reilly begins to ask Chase what that was but Chase is not there. Tara brings up the external cameras on the wall display screen and we see the space tug pulling on the mask. It finally gives with an ear-splitting squealing sound and it begins to move out of its sheath. Reilly asks for time to impact. Tara tells her five minutes, at the rate Chase is deploying the shield he won’t make it back on the ship in time. Reilly tells Chase to get back in the ship immediately they deploy the shield with what they’ve got.
8. Climax
The crew discovers Chase attaching the space tug to the Tesla mask. Against their vociferous protest, Chase uses the tug to extend the mask just as the CME is about to hit. With no time for him to return to the ship, he begs Reilly to engage the shield: a death sentence for him. Tearfully, Reilly puts her hand on the large red engage button. Nico joins her and pushes her hand off the activation button. She tells Chase she loves him and presses the button. The shield spreads like a lotus blossom as Chase disappears in a flash of light. The CME slams into the shield which deflects its destructive power away from the earth. The Reliant is buffeted as its systems alarms blare with overload warnings but the Tesla Shield holds and the CME safely passes by the earth.
INT SPACE TUG
Chase tells him that will only save themselves, not the earth. That is the mission and it’s his fault for not testing the mast earlier.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Nico implores him to return without success. Reilly orders Oleg to fire up the fusion reactors to full power. They all share a moment. This is a death sentence for Chase. Tara 2 minutes to impact. Oleg brings the reactors up to full power.
EXT SPACE TUG
It struggles at full power with the mast but finally locks it into position as the tug runs out of fuel. Chase radios, well that answers that question. I wouldn’t have had enough fuel to get back anyway.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Tara reports the mast is in position and the shield is ready to deploy. The crew looks at each other and then at Chase on the monitor. He salutes them: “It has been an honor to serve with you all”
Chase’s hand hovers over the large red shield deployment button. She cannot make her hand go down on the button. Tara calls 30 seconds to impact. Chase begs her to push the button. Nico moves beside her, puts her hand under Reilly’s, looks to Chase, salutes him, and then puts her hand over her heart and pushes the deploy button.
EXT RELIANT
The space tug disappears in a blast of white light followed by the Tesla shield deploying like a giant umbrella around the ship. It’s width wide enough to cover the earth.
INT COMMAND MODULE
At this moment the Coronal Mass Ejection hits the ship. The force causes the lights to blink on and off as the 3D projection shows the mass of electrons trying to burn through the shield. Tara struggles with the frequency modulator to reinforce the shield. She asks Oleg if he has any more power. He bumps the reactors up to 120%; it is red-ling. The shield is weakening.
Nico wipes her tears away and fires up the anti-matter drive and tells Oleg she is though it may blow them up she is going to transfer power through the coupler and into the shield.
EXT RELIANT
The shield is white-hot and is beginning to buckle.
INT COMMAND MODULE
Nico wipes her tears away and fires up the anti-matter drive and tells Oleg though it’s not been tested, she is going to transfer power through the coupler and into the shield.
Reilly tells her to go for it. At first, it seems to be making things worst, then the entire ship vibrates, and the shield expands against the opposing force and holds.
(Have Nico ask Reilly to get her something from the moon base, she transfers the image to Reilly’s wrist screen. Reilly grabs it just before she leaves the reactor room on the moon base. Nico installs this piece of equipment without Oleg knowing – it saves the day)
EXT RELIANT
The shield extends into the CME and then it is over.
INT COMMAND MODULE
As quickly as it started the CME is passed. Reilly calls for a shutdown of the shield and Tara, Oleg and Nico work to bring down the power levels.
EXT RELIANT
The shield disappears as the end of the mast glows white-hot.
INT COMMAND MODULE
As the reactor spool down Reilly and Nico walk over to the viewing window to look out where the scorched space tug is latched onto the front ball of the mast. There is nothing to say. Reilly put her arm around a tearful Nico. The rest of the crew comes up behind them. They didn’t just lose a co-worker; they lost a brother.
9. Resolution
A saddened crew is surprised when NASA contacts them from Cheyenne mountain in Colorado. They have been receiving Skyler’s broadcasts throughout the Reliant’s entire adventure. NASA and the world owe them a debt of gratitude that may never be repaid. A crew will be launched within 90 days to relieve them. The crew of the reliant are no longer professional co-workers from individual countries. They are also more than friends bound together by the crucible of near-death experiences and the bonds of mutual commitment, sacrifice, and loss.
EXT RELIANT
A space tug emerges from the back of the Reliant and quickly makes its way to Chases, grabs the disabled tug, and takes it to the rear of the Reliant.
INT HANGER BAY
FADE IN:
The entire crew in their spacesuits with the hanger bay door open. A white pod with Chase’s body is located near the end of the open hanger. Chase says a few words over him. Nico approaches the pod, pulls a small handle, a small thruster ignites and propels Chase out into space. The tearful crew watches his exit into eternity. An alert goes off on Reilly’s vid-screen on her sleeve. NASA is trying to raise them.
INT COMMAND MODULE
The crew is gathered as Tara brings the NASA video transmission up on the big screen. Jack Stone’s image appears on the screen being broadcast from Cheyenne mountain. He tells the crew the world owes them a debt that may never be repaid. They were able to follow the crew’s mission the entire time thanks to Skyler’s live broadcasts, however, they were not able to transmit due to antenna damage from the first CME. The crew looks among themselves wondering what was transmitted live. Buck pops up on a screen beside him and Jack thanks his friend from JPL for his assistance. Jack tells the crew it will be several months before they will be able to send a replacement crew to relieve them. He ends by showing them scenes from around the world of people celebrating their salvation by the Reliant.
INT OBSERVATION DECK
The crew is gathered looking out at the earth with the moon and sun behind it. The question arises as to what they should do for the next several months. Reilly asks, now that the shield and anti-matter drive work is anyone up for a trip outside the solar system to complete their original mission. The crew looks among themselves and smiles. They look to Skyler to see her reaction: “I’m good to go as long as I don’t have to leave the ship.” Laughter erupts among them.
EXT RELIANT
With the earth on the LEFT SIDE OF FRAME and the Reliant on the RIGHT SIDE OF FRAME. The counter-rotating rings of the Reliant glow bright blue, the anti-matter engines fire a long tongue of blue plasma, and the Reliant speeds off toward the distant planets ahead of it.
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[PS81] Antonio Flores’ Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this is…
That as long as I can see the outline and every scene with fresh eyes, I can apply the strategies over and over and discover new opportunities to elevate the quality… until there is nothing left to improve.
——————–
1. FLAG every scene that has a problem. DESCRIBE what you’ve discovered.
The arrival of Parisa and company to the Ruler’s place was not spectacular enough. They should be entering a whole new world with new rules and challenges.
2. FLAG any scene that can be improved in any way. DESCRIBE what you’ve discovered.
The Ruler’s strategist mind was not well portrayed. Having a prototype underground MMA place for our heroes to test, better describes the villain. The secret is taken for granted as the Ruler’s trophy. Now it’s time to play.
3. WORK one at a time from the easiest to the more difficult areas.
(REVISED) INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY
Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip step into the darkness of a dome. Augmented reality starts as they step in THE OCTAGON. THE RULER’s vision: this place will be the Mecca of underground MMA. Fortunes will pour into the deadly tournaments. Parisa and friends will test drive this project. If they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play and win the final match.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY
Badahur asks the Ruler, what if we gave you the secret? The Ruler reacts: Secrets are a burden that YOU may soon want to get rid of. You will beg for me to take the burden off you. Now, let’s play.
I also worked on the climax section. Perhaps some action-reaction, hope-despair might elevate the emotional delivery of these scenes.
8. Climax
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY
Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT
Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her. Despair.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT
Hope. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. No reaction.
Payoff 6-1: Badahur yells: Aidez – moi! French paramedics finally notice him. Take them away. The antidote is left behind right where Parisa collapsed.
(REVISED) INT. AIR AMBULANCE — SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY
Payoff 1-4: Parisa POV — A BLUR. “How bad is it?” Same conversation she had with Sandy back then. The blur seems to say thank you. “I must go back? Where?” Air ambulance crew commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes there’s hope, but he left the antidote behind.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
THE ANTIDOTE left behind at the extraction point. Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot. JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.
4. POST your improved outline.
LOGLINE: A cheerleader fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé, a fighter abducted and poisoned by criminals to steal a secret that he keeps – now she must win the antidote in a deadly cage tournament.
B. Plot Choice:
Plot choice – Discovery:
The journey of a fearful cheerleader who becomes a fearless MMA fighter. Act one, YOU WERE a fearful cheerleader. Act two, YOU ARE one who learns to turn weaknesses into strengths. Act three, YOU WILL BE a master of the cage by learning to use tactics and strategy from an experienced one. In the end, the hero emerges much wiser, but as it often happens, our hero will do so only just before dying.
C. Character Structure: Dramatic Triangle
Three characters (Parisa, Badahur, Philip) wrapped up in a web where there are deeper implications to their relationships than what we see in the beginning.
· Parisa wants her fiancé back. She knows that Philip advised him to break up with her, but she does not know why he did so. Eventually, she finds out that she has been targeted by Philip’s predatory nature. He is also a deadly threat to her fiancé.
· Badahur wants Parisa out of danger, but she is her only hope. As the poison makes him weaker and weaker, he depends on Philip for protection, but he knows Philip could kill him as well.
· Philip’s task is to prevent Bahadur to give away the secret, even if he had to kill him to accomplish this — rescuing him is just another option. He considers Parisa an extra load, but he likes her looks.
· The three of them want to escape the Ruler’s evil hunting.
D. Lead Characters
· PARISA, French background, a cheerleader coach who fights in the underground MMA to rescue her fiancé. Unaware that he is in the middle of a crime conspiracy, at the start, her involvement often makes things more complicated. She is her fiancé’s only hope.
· BAHADUR is Parisa’s fiancé, an underground MMA fighter who was poisoned with a time-bound substance as he unwillingly keeps the secret location of an strategic weapon. He broke with Parisa to keep her out of danger, but she is his only hope as the clock is ticking.
· PHILIP is a secret agent whose task is preventing Bahadur to give away the secret, even by killing him if so was needed; rescuing him is just another option — he eventually becomes a threat to Parisa and Bahadur.
· THE RULER is the head of the underground MMA, which is a screen to hide the criminal organization that wants to steal Bahadur’s secret.
Note: the following characters are not leading roles, but I also include them here as this might help everyone understand the plot. The number of characters does not exceed the cast of similar movies, say, Mortal Kombat where one hero, two co-protagonists and their mentor fight against a sorcerer, his champion, an immortal princess, a mercenary and three warrior demons. A total of eleven characters. Another classic of this genre, Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon features ten characters as well.
· RUTHLESS a female underground MMA prizefighter, born to chew her opponents and known by her motto: “I can kill you twice”
· SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed, Middle East fighter, named “The Ruler’s favorite,” also known as the one who “floods the cage with rage”
· MAN IN A TUNIC is the Ruler’s right hand, the mastermind behind every criminal plan of the Ruler.
· SYLVAIN, French background, is Parisa’s uncle, an MMA manager who, unaware of the link with the criminals, he first introduces Bahadur to the underground MMA, and later he helps Parisa to get signed in as well.
· MAESTRE OLIVEIRA, a capoeira man
· MASTER WANG, a Chinese Shuaijiao man
· SANDY is Parisa’s old acquaintance from school. She helps Parisa recover from the daily beating in the cage.
E. Dramatic Question:
Can Parisa become a fighter, win the poison’s antidote and get her fiancé back?
F. Main Conflict:
The Ruler is determined to steal the secret, he has imprisoned and poisoned Parisa’s fiancé, now he is using mental games to torture them. The lives of Parisa and her fiancé depend on her having the courage to do what frightens her. The clock is ticking and the tournament rules may change without notice.
(REVISED) G. Dilemma:
Parisa, Bahadur and Philip end up in the middle of the desert imprisoned by the Ruler. They need to win the final match to get the poison’s antidote. As Philip gets killed, and Bahadur gets weaker due to the poison, Parisa remains the only hope. Yet, to win a death fight, she must become an assassin or give up the life of her fiancé. What’s worse, they know that the Ruler wants the secret that Bahadur keeps, so even by winning the tournament, their escape is pretty much unlikely. There is no escape.
H. Theme:
To escape, sometimes you need to stop running.
I. Character Arc of Lead Character (if any):
Parisa changes from a fearful woman and goes into someone who not only builds strengths from her weakness, she is also able to overcome what frightens her. She defeats opponents who are stronger than her in the MMA octagon cage.
1. Opening
INT. GYM — NIGHT
PARISA, a lonely woman, gets up on a treadmill. Pictures on the wall show memories of her career as cheerleader and coach.
INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE
Parisa’s fiancé, BAHADUR faces SHAHNAZ, a massive, muscle-packed fighter. Bahadur is in a daze. There is a cut in his arm. On the opponent’s corner, A MAN IN A TUNIC holds up a knife and grins. Poison.
2. Inciting Incident
INT. GYM — NIGHT
A TEXT PREVIEW displays on Parisa’a cellphone screen. Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, SYLVAIN says: “I’M SORRY. HE’S GONE. THEY TOOK HIM”. Parisa wipes her tears and texts back: ‘HELP ME. I MUST FIND HIM.”
3. By page 10, you know what the movie is about.
INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE
Parisa’s uncle, MMA manager, Sylvain introduces her to the underground MMA RINGMASTERS. Parisa gets in the cage for an “audition.” She gets badly beaten, but the ringmasters want her great looks on the show. They sign her in.
4. First turning point at end of Act 1
INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE
It’s Parisa’s debut night. Once again, she gets badly beaten.
INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS
Setup 1-1: Parisa bumps into SANDY, an old schoolmate. She now works as a janitor in the underground cage and helps female fighters. “How bad is it?” Parisa asks Sandy. She takes care of Parisa after she is badly beaten every night.
INT. SYLVAIN’S CAR — DAY
Parisa wonders how long it will take for her to develop MMA fighter skills. Sylvain persuades her to try dance.
INT. COLLAGE 1: DANCE LESSONS — DAY
Parisa refuses at first, but after her uncle’s insistence she enrolls. Parisa shows how charming she is in salsa, tango and samba. Yet, dance lessons leave her with a sense of avoidance and guilt.
INT. COLLAGE 2: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY
Parisa discovers that the dance coaches are masters of Chinese Shuaijiao (wrestling) and Brazilian Capoeira.
INT. COLLAGE 3: MARTIAL ARTS LESSONS — DAY
The masters build up martial arts strengths from her cheerleader attributes: agility, coordination, sense of space-time, fast-twitch explosive muscles, and more.
INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS CAPOEIRA INSTRUMENTS — DAY
Setup 3-1: Parisa discovers a type of spurs (knives) in Maestre Oliveira collection.
Payoff 3-1: Maestre Oliveira’s disciple shows the spurs cutting a dummy´s middle section, legs, and neck.
Payoff 3-2: Parisa performs a butterfly shuanzi wearing spurs. She cuts a dummy’s neck
INT. COLLAGE 4: MARTIAL ARTS: ROPE DART — DAY
Setup 2-1: Parisa observes Shuaijiao Master Wang using the rope-dart
Payoff 2-1: Parisa awkwardly manipulates the rope-dart.
Payoff 2-2: After several attempts throwing the dart and missing the target…
Payoff 2-3: Parisa finally lands the dart on the bullseye.
INT. COLLAGE 5: UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE
Parisa’s performance improves from being punched, spitting the mouthpiece, and tapping the opponent… to kicking butt and getting her arm raised by the referee — a win by decision.
INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — FEMALE LOCKERS
Payoff 1-1: Sandy celebrates with Parisa her first win by decision. Sandy wants to be a fighter, too. Parisa warns Sandy that because of her lack of training in MA, she could get hurt.
5. Mid-Point
INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT
Setup 1-2: As Parisa searches for her fiancé, she bumps into RUTHLESS, a brawny female fighter, She threatens Parisa to death if she ever mess around with her or dares to cross her path in the octagon.
INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — OCTAGON CAGE
Payoff 1-2: During “open fight night”, Sandy gets her way into the cage with Ruthless. Parisa begs ringmasters to cancel that fight. Ruthless kills Sandy while Parisa watches the whole action. Parisa cries outside the cage. A ringmaster looks at Parisa’s reaction and asks: What? It was an accident, uh?
INT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — UNDERGROUND MAZE — NIGHT
Meanwhile, PHILIP, Bahadur’s alleged runaway partner, finally gets Bahadur out of captivity.
EXT. UNDERGROUND MMA FACILITY — NEARBY STREET
Parisa follows them. They get ambushed and imprisoned.
6. Second turning point at end of Act 2
INT. CARGO CONTAINER — NIGHT
They get transported to somewhere in the middle of the desert. Bahadur fills Parisa with all details about his abduction, the poison, Philip, and that breaking up was a way to protect her.
INT. CARGO CONTAINER — ONE NIGHT LATER
Setup 4-1: Parisa asks Bahadur why he uses the name Persian Warrior. Badahur explains how Persian warriors used their environment, hide in the desert sands, etc.
(REVISED) INT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY
Parisa, Bahadur, and Philip step into the darkness of a dome. Augmented reality starts as they step in THE OCTAGON. THE RULER’s vision: this place will be the Mecca of underground MMA. Fortunes will pour into the deadly tournaments. Parisa and friends will test drive this project. If they want the antidote and their freedom, they must play and win the final match.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – RULER’S PLACE – DAY
Badahur asks the Ruler, what if we gave you the secret? The Ruler reacts: Secrets are a burden that YOU may soon want to get rid of. You will beg for me to take the burden off you. Now, let’s play.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
Parisa trains under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip.
Setup 6-1: How do you say “help me” in French? Parisa teaches Bahadur: Aidez – moi
INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT
Setup 5-1a: Parisa, Bahadur and Philip are thrown into a 3:3 bareknuckle team fight. The rules change on the spot, Bahadur is too weak. Philip ends up fighting the three men. He is defeated.
INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – NIGHT
Setup 5-1b: Rules change. Instead of making Parisa fight, she is now the prize for the three winners to hunt. The referee cuts Parisa’s t-shirt open with a knife, exposing her athletic figure in sports bra. Parisa snatches the knife and stabs the referee. She flies the tent. The three men split up to hunt her in the open desert.
EXT. DESERT DUNE — NIGHT
Payoff 2-4: She rips off her shirt and attaches the knife to produce a makeshift rope-dart.
Payoff 4-1: Parisa buries herself in the dune sand and ambushes her opponents one by one.
Payoff 2-5: Parisa fights her FIRST OPPONENT, a knife-thrower assassin with FOUR knives in his hand. Parisa only has ONE knife… attached to a rope, a makeshift rope-dart that she throws and retrieves several times using feet, elbows, and waist before her already injured opponent can even throw once.
Payoff 5-1a: After Parisa takes down her first opponent, she rips off his clothes. She makes stripes to tie and gag him up.
Payoff 2-6: Parisa claims the knives of the assassin and produces a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs.
Payoff 5-1b: She uses the rest of the stripes to produce a pair of makeshift Capoeira spurs attaching the knife-thrower’s knives to her ankles.
EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER
Payoff 4-2: Parisa advances with quick steps forward, each punting sand towards her SECOND OPPONENT.
Payoff 3-3: Parisa takes down her second opponent using Capoeira style knives attached to her ankles.
Payoff 5-2: She rips off the clothes of her defeated second opponent. She ties him up and uses the rest of the stripes to attach the claimed knives to her wrists.
EXT. DESERT DUNE — LATER
Once again, Parisa buries herself in the dune sand to ambush her THIRD OPPONENT, the strongest and most vicious out of the three men. He wears a long, thick braid wrapped around his neck when fighting. The assassin pulls Parisa out of the sand, taking her by surprise.
Payoff 4-3: Parisa recovers herself and advances with quick steps and back kick turns punting and lifting sand, confusing the third opponent.
Payoff 3-4: Parisa takes down her third opponent. She cuts the braid with her spurs, leaving just a scratch on the skin above the jugular vein.
Payoff 5-3: She rips off the clothes of her third opponent, except for a shirt.
INT. DESERT – GUARDS TENT – LATER
Payoff 5-4: Parisa enters the tent with her chin up. She wears the shirt of her third defeated opponent as a trophy.
7. Crisis
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
Parisa keeps training under the guidance of Bahadur and Philip. Philip wants to seduce Parisa. She rejects him.
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT
Philip figures out that by reducing Bahadur’s medicine dose, he can kill him and get Parisa.
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – NIGHT BEFORE THE TOURNAMENT
Philip lures Parisa to do a prep workout with him alone. He tries to rape her. Philip admits that he wants to have her before Ruthless rips her into pieces. His words enrage Parisa. She fights back and breaks his knee.
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY
Payoff 1-4a: Parisa fights Ruthless in the first match of the tournament and gets the upper hand. The rules change on the spot: Parisa must kill her opponent.
EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY
Payoff 1-4b: The Man in a Tunic points a gun at her fiancé. Philip does not intervene.
EXT. DESERT – OUTSIDE THE UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY
Payoff 1-4c: Badahur snatches the gun and fires at Ruthless, but the gun was empty. They were played on.
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY
Payoff 1-4d: Parisa accidentally kills Ruthless. Parisa whispers: What? It was an accident, uh, bitch?
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
Bahadur realizes that the tournament is part of a plan to curb their spirit.
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
The three plan to steal a cellphone from a guard and send a message out. The plan works.
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
Parisa prevents her fiancé to keep the device. She furtively passes it to Philip. The guard notices his cellphone is gone, points his gun at the fiancé, but then, he catches Philip texting and shoots him dead.
8. Climax
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND MMA CAGE – DAY
Bahadur is too weak to fight. Parisa enters the octagon with the “Ruler’s Favorite,” Shahnaz. She wins the antidote, but gets badly hurt. It’s the end for her.
EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
A DRONE SQUAD and soldiers on JET BOARDS arrive. Philip’s message went through! The Ruler is busted.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT
Badahur puts aside the antidote and cuddles Parisa in his arms. The antidote is meaningless without her. Despair.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – CONT
Hope. Badahur urges paramedics to help the lifeless woman in his arms. No reaction.
Payoff 6-1: Badahur yells: Aidez – moi! French paramedics finally notice him. Take them away. The antidote is left behind right where Parisa collapsed.
(REVISED) INT. AIR AMBULANCE — SUPERNATURAL MEET — DAY
Payoff 1-4: Parisa POV — A BLUR. “How bad is it?” Same conversation she had with Sandy back then. The blur seems to say thank you. “I must go back? Where?” Air ambulance crew commotion. “She’s back”, a voice says. Now Badahur realizes there’s hope, but he left the antidote behind.
(REVISED) EXT. DESERT – UNDERGROUND TRAINING CAMP – DAY
THE ANTIDOTE left behind at the extraction point. Radio static. Dispatcher transmits instructions to JET BOARD pilot. JET BOARD pilot retrieves antidote and glides away.
9. Resolution
INT. GYM — DAY
Badahur quietly rolls a wheelchair into the gym where Parisa’s old cheerleaders team rehearse. Still bruised, but recovering, Parisa shares her discovery with her former students.
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Justina Mitchell’s Pass #9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned doing this assignment is that the saying, “A writer is done writing when the pen is taken out of their cold, dead hand,” is a truism. It seems that every scene could be improved, and will be. The problem scenes are easier to narrow down. I got badly waylaid by this lesson, so I am moving past it without fulfilling it; at least not at this time.
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Day 15 – Flag Scenes To Solve & Elevate – Assignment
Pro Series – Mike O – Pass 9: Flag Scenes to Elevate
What I learned is….. examining one aspect of a script at a time, isolating weaknesses and areas that can be improved elevates both the script and the way I, as a writer, approach a script moving forward. Utilize the process, brainstorm for improvement, make the corrections/changes and then move to the next item. It sounds a bit robotic and repetitive; it is neither. It allows you to create, improve and stay focused on one aspect at a time. I tend to do too much non-linear thinking, writing and bouncing around a script.
1. Read your entire outline and FLAG every scene that has a problem. Give us a paragraph on those so we know what you’ve discovered.
OPENING SCENE: Brooklyn is having lunch with her best friend and her patron for her paintings. [1] INT. CAFE — LUNCH Brooklyn (protagonist) talks with Carolyn about love, loss, and her upcoming 30<sup>th</sup> birthday. (FLAG) * Have Brook organize the table, cutlery, etc. stress is a major trigger of your OCD symptoms. In addition, as the anxiety caused by your stress often causes you to use poor coping strategies like avoidance = she does this! We learn it is her mother that was the root of her stress;
[2] EXT. GALLERY BUILDING – LATE AFTERNOON Brooklyn takes her latest painting to Carolyn’s gallery for the upcoming showing. (FLAG) Improve the scene by showing her being OCD: she checks the case, her scarf, etc before getting out of the car.
[3] INT. TOWN HOME – DRIVE WAY – EARLY EVENING Brooklyn gets home, changes into lounge clothes, gets a letter from her father’s lawyer.
[4] FLASHBACK – KITCHEN – DISTANT PAST Brooklyn recalls her mother telling her that her father wasn’t providing, she had to go to work; they grew apart. He left them emotionally. She is the one who filed for divorce.
[5] INCITING INCIDENT: Brooklyn learns she is the executor of her father’s estate and must leave.
[6] INT. CAROLYN’S SUV – DAY Carolyn drives Brooklyn to the airport, warns her it might take her a few days. (FLAG) Improve the dialogue between them.
[7] EXT. CAR RENTAL PARKING LOT – NOON Brooklyn leaves the airport, drives off in a rental Jeep for her father’s town.
[8] EXT. CAFE – CONTINUOUS Brooklyn arrives in town. (FLAG) Improve by showing the difference in drivers: kind and courteous versus Chicago drivers. Hungry, she finds a café and stops.
[9] INT. LAW OFFICE – DAY Brooklyn calls her dad’s lawyer. He answers and agrees to join her for lunch.
[10] INT. ART GALLERY OFFICE – DAY Alan takes Brooklyn to her father’s gallery. Brooklyn meets Richard (antagonist) he is a charming womanizer. He plays upon her emotions.
[11] INT. SMOKE SHACK – EVENING Brooklyn meets Richard at the restaurant for dinner and to talk about the gallery and get her up to speed. Richard tries to seduce her, she is too gun-shy.
[12] INT. ALAN’S OFFICE – MORNING Brooklyn is warned by the lawyer, Alan, that Richard wants the gallery. He gives Brooklyn keys to her dad’s cabin and directions on how to get to the cabin.
[13] INT. JEEP – LATER Brooklyn is following the map, finds her dad’s cabin. It’s beautiful. (FLAG) Improve by showing Brooklyn poor driving off-road, almost getting stuck.
[14] EXT/INT. CABIN – CONTINUOUS From the outside, it is beautiful. Inside, more stunning. Brooklyn discovers her dad had great taste, was a painter. He has photos of her from childhood on. She is floored, never saw him keeping tabs on her.
[15] INTERCUT: CAROLYN DRIVING, BROOKLYN AT THE WINDOW Brooklyn tells her that her mom lied about her dad. Carolyn tells her Iverson, CEO of Apex Industries, is stopping by the gallery to buy her three paintings. Brooklyn is now in the big times!!
[16] EXT. CABIN DECK – DAY Brooklyn is painting the landscape before her. Finishes, sets it by her dad’s, same landscape different season. Tells him “Here daddy, for you. Merry Xmas”
[17] FIRST ACT TURNING POINT: Brooklyn discovers a shoe box filled w/ letters marked “return to sender” It’s her mother handwriting, she wrote “return to sender” on them. END OF ACT ONE
[18] EXT. FRONT PORCH – CONTINUOUS
Brooklyn answers the door, meets Tarek and his two sons. Learns they are in for the holiday to spend it with her dad. They don’t know he has passed. She invites them in. There is instant chemistry.
[19] INT. KITCHEN – LATER
She tells Tarek her father passed. The boys overhear. They talk about him being in heaven w/ their mom.
[20] INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Brooklyn, Tarek and the kids play monopoly together. Brooklyn wins.
[21] INT. DINING ROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
Tarek and the boys share the dinner they brought with Brooklyn. Bonding and talking, feels real.
[22] EXT. PORCH – AFTER DINNER
Tarek, the boys and Brooklyn go outside, they have a snowball fight.
[23] EXT/INT. PICKUP TRUCK – LATER
Tarek and the boys pack up and leave Brooklyn.
[24] INT. CABIN – CONTINUOUS Brooklyn retrieves the shoebox of old letters, the electricity goes out. She lights lanterns, builds a fire. (FLAG) Improve by showing her having a hard time lighting a fire. Never did it before.
[25] INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Brooklyn reads all her father’s letters to her, throws the old checks in the fire.
[26] INT. TAREK’S CABIN – CONTINUOUS
Tarek worries about Brooklyn, Tyler tells him to call her, Brandon knows dad didn’t get her #
[27] INT. LIVING ROOM – SAME
Phone rings, Brooklyn thinks it’s Tarek; it’s Richard. She turns down his dinner offer. She asks him where the client list is, he tells her, it’s all in his head. (FLAG) Show Richard mocking & denigrating her.
[28] INT. GALLERY – LATER
Richard goes there, takes all the receipts, papers, invoices and ledger, then vandalizes the place.
[29] EXT/INT. GALLERY – MORNING
Brooklyn goes to Art Gallery; finds it vandalized. She freaks, then takes a stand and calls the local alarm company. Has video cameras, motion detectors, the works installed including a few hidden cameras.
[30] INT. COLD CREEK CAFE – LUNCH
Brooklyn runs into Tarek. They argue over the merits of an artist. She is offended. She tells him, “someone in your idyllic little town ransacked and vandalized my dad’s gallery last night…” and leaves.
[31] INT. CAROLYN AFTERNOON – NOON
Iverson goes to Carolyn’s gallery, to pick up paintings. He inquires about the artist. Later, tells his executive secretary as they’re leaving the gallery to do a background workup on Brooklyn Murray.
[32] INT. BABBLING BROOK GALLERY – AFTERNOON
Carolyn calls Brooklyn; Iverson wants to meet Brooklyn, has to see her in person to buy her works.
[33] INT. GALLERY – LATER
Brooklyn gets a basket of goodies from Tarek w/ an apology card. He’s sorry for what happened to her gallery and for how poorly he explained himself at the café.
[34] INT. JOSHUA’S CABIN – NIGHT
Brooklyn mulls over her feelings for Tarek, her lust for fame and recognition that Iverson can provide. (FLAG) work on this, again you want to show, don’t tell. Monologues with her dead mom.
[35] INT. LIMOUSINE – LATE AFTERNOON
Iverson greets Brooklyn. Flatters her, they go to dinner where Carolyn is there waiting for them.
[36] MONTAGE – BROOKLYN AND GUESTS CELEBRATING
Dancing, mingling, dinner and desert. Iverson kisses the back of her hand, a telling gesture.
[37] INT. CAFÉ – NEXT MORNING
Brooklyn and Carolyn talk re: Iverson wanting Brooklyn to paint murals in his mansion and perhaps more.
[38] INT. TAREK’S CABIN – KITCHEN – MORNING
Tarek makes boy’s breakfast, winces in pain several times.
[39] EXT/INT. WINTERGREEN BANK – AFTERNOON
Brooklyn goes in and buys all of Tarek’s photograph off the wall.
[40] SERIES OF SHOTS
Brooklyn goes to the places where Tarek has his photos and buys them, takes them to her gallery.
[41] INT. TAREK’S CABIN – CONTINUOUS
Tarek and boys build a fire, have eggnog and cookies. Tarek’s new phone is fully charged. Brandon tells him, “You know Brooklyn left you a bunch of texts.”
[42] INTERCUT: ALAN, AT HIS OFFICE; BROOKLYN, THE GALLERY
Alan tells her Richard is trying a legal stunt to steal the gallery from her. He explains the stunt to her.
[43] EXT. GRAVEYARD – DUSK
Brooklyn goes to visit her father, sees a heart carve on a tree with initials and it has been Xd out. She murmurs, “Even here.” At her dad’s headstone, she tells him her mom lied. Ruby shows up, tells her that her father knew she loved him, that her father was the love of her life.
[44] INT. JOSHUA’S CABIN – LATER
Brooklyn is drinking wine, eating chocolate, decides to call Tarek.
[45] INTERCUT: BROOKLYING SITTING; TAREK AT THE FIREPLACE
Brooklyn is sure her father’s signature on the document Richard gave to Alan is a forgery. Tarek tells her to be careful, that Richard is a good guy. This starts an argument and pushes Brooklyn to go to Chicago.
[46] INT. BED – LATER
Brooklyn texts Carolyn, asks for Iverson’s cell number. Carolyn texts it to her with a smilie face.
She texts Iverson, he texts her back.
[47] INSERT – TEXT
“I will send my jet for you. Let me know when you would like to leave.”
[48] INSERT – TEXT
“Tomorrow, after work, 6pm. Denver Stapleton, right?”
[49] INSERT – TEXT
“When you get to Stapleton, call James at this number: 773-456-3336. He will find you.”
[HAVE THIS ARGUMENT OVER RICHARD – DRIVE BROOKLYN TO CHICAGO, TO SEE IVERSON…. WORK ON THIS ANGLE I NEED THE TENSION…. LOVE TRIANGLE>>>
HAVE TO WRITE THESE SCENES OUT — IDEAS that I got while doing this outline series
Brooklyn goes to Chicago, Iverson makes his intentions known, they kiss and she realizes it isn’t something she can do for any amount of money. She apologizes, says she is in a relationship. Iverson is gracious and says he still wants her to do the murals. They part friends… She touches her lips (look up how I wrote it when Brooklyn thinks back to Iverson’s kiss then thinks on Tarek’s, and knows what true love is …. Epiphany!!
[50] INT. MASTER BEDROOM – MORNING
Brooklyn is awakened by the door bell. She checks the security camera, it’s Tarek and the boys. She is so happy. (FLAG) show her clap her hands like a little kid, spring out of bed…*Her OCD is gone!!
[51] EXT. FRONT PORCH – CONTINUOUS
Tarek and the boys are dressed to be out in the elements.
[52] INT. CABIN – STAIRWELL
Brooklyn rushes down, goes to the door and lets Tarek in. They talk, about to kiss when door opens and boys come inside to use bathroom.
[53] INT. PICKUP – LATER
Brooklyn rides with them as they drive to a meadow to cut down a Christmas tree for her.
[54] SERIES OF SHOTS
1. Snow shoe rabbit, 2. white tail doe. Tree stump with Brandon, tyler & Joshua’s initials carved into the base.
[55] EXT. MEADOW – LATER
They find the perfect tree, take photos of it and themselves in front of it. Eat lunch there in the wilderness.
[56] INT. CABIN – LATER
Brooklyn waves goodbye as they drive off. The Christmas tree in the great room smells wonderful.
[57] INT. TAREK’S CABIN – KITCHEN – NIGHT
They make dinner together. Tarek and Brooklyn talk about the gallery, his work, the future.
[58] Tyler interrupts, drags Brooklyn to their tree, shows her the Xmas bulb he made for her.
[59] INSERT – TEXT
It is Carolyn, telling Brook that Iverson wants her, will pay 5$ per day for work on the murals.
[60] INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER
Tarek and Brooklyn on the couch, boys are in bed. She asks Tarek to come to Chicago, he says he can’t, $ is tight. She is upset. Hides it.
[61] INT. JOSHUA’S CABIN – GREAT ROOM – NEXT EVENING
Brooklyn, Tarek and the boys decorate Brooklyn’s tree. Brooklyn gives the small boy the ping-pong ball which she has turned into a Christmas ornament. She tells him: “Silly ball was always rolling away. Figured we give it a home and a purpose, it will stay put.”
[62] INT. LIVING ROOM TABLE – LATER
The group is playing Monopoly. Brandon senses Brooklyn is leaving. She says she’ll be back before Xmas. Brandon walks off. Tarek goes after him. Tyler, sits and cries. Brooklyn finds out that their mother said the same thing and never came back.
[63] INT. CORPORATE OFFICE – 47<sup>th</sup> FLOOR – CHICAGO – AFTERNOON
Brooklyn goes to see Iverson, learns what he wants her to paint. Takes the sketches with her and leaves.
[64] INT. BROOKLYN’S ART STUDIO – LATER
Brooklyn is in her studio painting, working on her ideas for Iverson’s murals. Carolyn sneaks up on her. They have a heart-to-heart re: her love for Tarek and her fear.
[65] INT. KITCHEN – NEXT MORNING
Carolyn answers Brook’s phone, speaks with Tarek. Listens, orders his airplane tickets, tricks him.
[66] INT. BROOKLYN’S ART STUDIO – DAY
Tarek surprises Brooklyn at her loft. They KISS, go back to Carolyn’s.
[67] INT. CAROLYN’S KITCHEN – LATER
Carolyn makes Tyler chocolate milk. They’re playing video games.
[68] INT. BROOKLYN’S HOME – LATER
Spend the night, the boys with Tarek. Next morning, she leaves to paint,
[69] INT. KITCHEN – LATER
Tarek collapses in pain. Brandon, in a panic, calls Brooklyn’s number.
[70] INT. STUDIO – MOMENTS LATER
Brooklyn gets a panicked call from Brandon, his dad is on the floor. She tells him to call 911.
[71] EXT. BROOKLYN’S RESIDENCE – LATER
Brooklyn pulls up, ambulance is there. Tarek tells Brooklyn “Look after my boys.” END OF ACT TWO
[72] INT. HOSPITAL – WAITING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Brooklyn keeps the boys entertained with drawing, hangman and tic-tac-toe.
[73] INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – LATER
Tyler in Brooklyn’s lap in Tarek’s room. He survives, they are all together.
[74] INT. BABBLING BROOK GALLERY – NIGHT
Richards breaks in, steals the good paintings, substitutes them for no-name paintings. He then torches the place, to cover the theft of the valuable paintings versus the no-name substitutes. Leaves whistling.
[75] INT. BROOKLYN’S STUDIO – NIGHT
Carolyn shows Iverson what Brooklyn’s done on the ideas for his six murals
[76] INT. TAREK’S CABIN – NIGHT
Brooklyn is there nursing Tarek, the boys are there sleeping in their beds. Brooklyn gets a call from the sheriff and the alarm company. Tyler hears phone, runs into room panicked. She calms him. Leaves.
[77] INT. VEHICLE – LATER
Brooklyn sees the flashing lights of the fire truck and police car two blocks away. She drives up, is heart broken. Her father’s legacy is in ruins. She sits in her car dumbstruck. Sheriff comes over to her.
[78] INT. JOSHUA’S CABIN – LATER
Brooklyn reviews the videos, sees the man in black, she catches a glimpse of the hand tattoo. There is the proof she needs. She calls the Sheriff and tells Jack to meet her at the Smoke Shack Bar. He warns her don’t do anything foolish.
[79] INT. SMOKE SHACK – BAR – DAY (CLIMAX)
Brooklyn enters and confronts Richard. She sets down photos of a person dressed in black in the gallery, pulling paintings off the wall and replacing them. The last photo is a close-up of Richard’s hand tattoo as it shows momentarily between the leather glove and sleeve of the jacket. Carolyn walks in as moral support for Brooklyn. Behind her, the sheriff with handcuffs.
[80] EXT. GRAVE SITE – DAY
Brooklyn visits her father’s grave, apologizes, asks for his forgiveness.
[81] EXT. MEADOW – CHRISTMAS MORNING
We glide over the new fallen snow, see the Christmas lights at the cabin’s eaves, the chimney smoke and go inside…
[82] INT. BROOKLYN’S CABIN – CONTINUOUS
Brandon hands out Christmas presents. Brook’s present to Tarek, homemade Christmas bulb with a heart in glitter and their initials. The last present, is Tarek’s. A wedding ring as he asks Brooklyn to marry him.
ROLL END-OF-FILM CREDITS
MONTAGE – VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WEDDING DAY
— Bridal gown and lace train, Brooklyn, out on the back deck, snowy meadow in the foreground.
— Group shot: Carolyn, maid of honor. Beside her Stan with their two boys as Tarek’s groomsmen.
— Self-conscious pose: Tuxedoed and on their best behavior, Brandon and Tyler stand at attention.
— Tarek’s best man, Alan, caught handing him a flask of the good stuff.
— Alan’s daughter, Briana, flower girl, sprinkles flowers across the redwood deck.
— Unsteady, hand-held SHOT of Brandon looking into the camera asking Tyler if it’s ON.
— Ruby catches the wedding bouquet, turns to the old man from the bar and smiles suggestively.
— Cake-cutting ceremony – Brooklyn shoves cake into Tarek’s mouth.
BACK TO PRESENT
Brandon writes on the back of an 8 by 12 photograph:
INSERT – WRITING
“And they lived happily ever after”…
Brandon turns the photo over and we HOLD ON — WEDDING SHOT of the four of them — posing in front of Brooklyn’s Christmas tree.
2. Read your entire outline again and flag any scene that can be improved in any way. Give us a paragraph on those scenes so we know what you’ve discovered. The biggest payoff (well, they all are, but for me personally, was the setup/payoff chains. I had that down intuitively but now I have a real tool to track and use that. It is one of my favorite things to use in a script, besides character development.
3. Start with the easiest and improve one at a time, working your way to the more difficult areas. See outline above
This may be the easiest lesson of the entire process, but it is valuable. Even if you only improve your outline by 10%, it might make a big difference in the overall quality of your story. IMPORTANT: This isn’t about adding details to your outline. You’ll do that as we write scenes later. You still want only one or two sentences per scene in your outline. This is about IMPROVING what is already there, which usually means replacing a “good” scene/idea with a “great” scene/idea.
We have one more Pass and your outline will be complete — for this section. In truth, you’ll continue to evolve your outline with each module we do, but the next Pass will bring it to a level where you can easily benefit from the rest of the ProSeries.
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