• Kristina Zill

    Member
    March 26, 2022 at 8:52 pm

    REWRITE of Lesson 14 – QE Cycle #3

    Logline: When a fishing boat captain plans to make an un unscheduled stop, the marine science student who chartered the boat tries to force her agenda.

    Essence: Squire and Nancy learn just how unsuited they are for each other

    EXT. FISHING BOAT – DAY


    A boat is just about to depart the Monterey Bay marina, piloted by SQUIRE (25), who looks more like a spoiled frat boy than a captain. As he busies himself with untying the boat, he is unaware of NANCY (20), a tomboy and a Marine Science student at California State University Monterey Bay, who approaches wearing a backpack and carrying a long, thin, plastic pole. She shoves the pole onto the deck and jumps on board herself. Hands on hips, she watches Squire while he works frantically and gets the boat untied. He turns, sees her, and jumps, startled.

    NANCY

    Hey! Are you Captain Jack?

    Squire moves his eyes from side to side, like he’s looking for an answer.

    NANCY (CONT’D)
    
It’s not a trick question. I chartered THE CATARRH today. Is Jack around?

    SQUIRE

    Change of plans. I’m afraid you’ll have to disembark.

    (sizing her up)

    Not that I wouldn’t enjoy the company.

    NANCY
    
I’m not disembarking. Take me to the Aumentos Reef, please.

    Squire looks past her at activity towards the end of the dock. Three official looking men are going boat to boat.

    NANCY (CONT’D)

    C’mon, let’s go! We’re burning daylight.

    SQUIRE

    Yeah. Let’s get going.

    Nancy smiles, pleased with her apparent powers of persuasion. Squire puts the boat in gear and heads out to the open sea.

    NANCY
    
So you sounded much older on the phone.

    SQUIRE

    You talked to Jack, my grandfather. He was rushed to the hospital this morning for emergency tests.

    NANCY

    Omigod! I hope he’s okay!

    SQUIRE
    
I’m sure he’ll be fine. But in his old-man fog, he forgot that I needed the boat today.

    NANCY
    
Sorry, but you’re stuck with me.

    He eyes her, taking in her sculpted arms, her long brown hair blowing in the breeze.

    SQUIRE
    

I’ve never seen such a long fishing pole. And they say size doesn’t matter. Guess it does in this case!

    NANCY
    

That pole is how I apply the tracking device.

    SQUIRE
    

Tracking device!?

    He lets go of the throttle, the boat loses speed. He flashes his most brilliant smile.

    SQUIRE (CONT’D)

    What on earth are you tracking?

    NANCY


    Um…a blue whale?

    SQUIRE
    

Oh, like, for selfies?

    NANCY
    Uh, no. Look, your grandfather told me he had experience with the procedure.
    You pull right up alongside the whale, and then I slap this device onto its back.


    (she pulls a gadget from the backpack) 


    See? These suction cups hold it in place.

    Nancy tucks the device away. Squire shakes his head, puts on some speed again.

    NANCY (CONT’D)

    Excuse me, but the reef is thataway. Straight ahead.

    SQUIRE
    (pointing to the right)
    We just need to make a slight detour first.

    NANCY


    No, not okay. I chartered this boat! I ORDER you to take me to the Aumentos Reef.

    SQUIRE
    And we will get there, we will! There’s just one little errand I have to fun first.

    NANCY
    What “errand”?

    SQUIRE

    

It’s nothing, no big deal. Here, hold the wheel a moment. I need to send a text while I’ve still got service.

    Squire walks to the back of the boat and busies himself with his smart phone. Nancy takes the opportunity to turn the wheel in the direction of the reef. Squire finishes and returns, but Nancy stays at the wheel, distracting him with conversation.

    NANCY
    
So what’s wrong with your grandfather?

    SQUIRE

    (shrugs)

    Who knows? When you get to be his age–

    NANCY

    Does he even know you have his boat?

    SQUIRE

    Of course.

    NANCY

    But he didn’t tell you I chartered it.

    SQUIRE

    The one I heard about is tomorrow. Eliza somebody.

    Nancy lets go. The boat slows.

    NANCY

    Eliza! Eliza Morton?

    SQUIRE
    
(shrugs)

    We keep appointments in the ship’s log.

    Squire points at the log book. Nancy rushes over and frantically flips through the log’s pages.
    Squire takes the wheel and casually steers them back to the right. Nancy returns, paces.

    NANCY
    
It IS her. One of my classmates at Cal State.

    SQUIRE

    Don’t you know that college is for partying?

    NANCY

    That’s what my classmates think. That’s why I’m going to blow them out of the water with all the data I collect from my whale.

    Nancy paces a moment.

    NANCY (CONT’D)
    
I guess she also heard about the blue whale that’s been hanging out at the reef.

    Nancy returns to stand beside Squire, looks at the dashboard instruments.

    NANCY (CONT’D)

    Hey, what’d you think? I wouldn’t notice?

    SQUIRE
    
It won’t take long — just a quickie.

    NANCY
    
What is it? Like, a hook up?

    SQUIRE
    
More like an appointment. Why? Jealous?

    NANCY

    Uh, no. I don’t even know you.

    SQUIRE
    
Hey, a stranger is just somebody I haven’t slept with yet… JOKE!

    NANCY

    Cut the crap. I ORDER you to take me to the reef.

    SQUIRE

    Are you captain of this boat? No, I am.

    Nancy is furious, arms crossed, brows furrowed.

    SQUIRE (CONT’D)

    But you’re cute when you’re angry.

    NANCY

    Ugh! Where do I file a complaint?

    SQUIRE
    
Right here, babe. Aw, c’mon. What can I do to put a smile back on that pretty face?
    How about– Okay, I’ve got it. What if this charter is free of charge?

    NANCY

    Seriously?

    SQUIRE
    
Hey, I know college is expensive. So whattaya say?

    Nancy considers a moment.

    NANCY
    
Okay, deal. But… you also cancel the outing with Eliza Morton.

    SQUIRE
    
Ah, so you ARE the jealous type.

    NANCY

    Those are my terms.

    SQUIRE
    
You got it. Eliza is out.

    NANCY

    (gloating)
    
It’ll be impossible to find another charter on such short notice.

    SQUIRE

    And who knows? Maybe we’ll run into that whale of yours on the way to my meet-up.
    Here, why don’t you take a peek through the binocs and see if you can spot some blow-holes.

    Squire hands her binoculars. Nancy slowly turns in a circle, scanning the ocean.

    SQUIRE (CONT’D)

    See any?

    NANCY

    No, but… there’s something coming towards us.

    SQUIRE
    
What, like a Kraken?

    NANCY
    
It’s pretty far away. 

    (she peers another moment)

    But… it looks like…a boat headed straight toward us.

    SQUIRE
    
What kind of a boat?

    NANCY
    
Speed boat, maybe?

    Squire grabs the binoculars.

    SQUIRE

    Shit. Shit, shit, shit. That’s the Coast Guard.

    He hands the binoculars back to Nancy, who peers through them again.

    NANCY
    
I wish they’d slow down. At that speed, they’re damaging all kinds of marine life.

    SQUIRE

    They must have intercepted my text. Can they do that? Or maybe they’ve got the boat bugged.

    He turns the boat and slows.

    NANCY
    
Wait, the reef’s over there! Why are we turning into this cove?

    He stops the boat.

    SQUIRE

    There’s something I gotta do. Listen, uh. Why don’t you make yourself useful and inflate that lifeboat?

    NANCY

    Are you kidding? I can’t approach a whale on a lifeboat!

    SQUIRE
    
In about five minutes, you’re going to wish you had a lifeboat, so just do it.

    She turns around in circles, unsure of what’s going on. She calls down into the hold.

    NANCY

    I hear water. Uh, what’s your name? Captain Jack’s grandson! What’s that rushing water sound?

    He comes running back up, holding two fishing poles. Checks the binocs one more time.

    SQUIRE
    
Yep, we’re gonna be just in time.

    NANCY
    
The boat’s sinking!

    SQUIRE
    Check this out. Rapid inflate.

    He pulls a tab and the lifeboat inflates.

    SQUIRE (CONT’D)
    
Okay, now you hold onto these fishing poles.

    The lifeboat is now even with the water. He gets in.

    SQUIRE (CONT’D)
    
Okay, hand me the poles and climb on in.

    She puts the binoculars in her backpack and gets in.
    The boat goes under.

    SQUIRE (CONT’D)
    
Perfect. Now, when they get here, we’re just out for a little fishing excursion.

    NANCY

    No. No way. I’m going to tell them exactly what happened.

    SQUIRE

    And I’ll tell them it was your cargo, your meet-up.

    NANCY

    What cargo?

    SQUIRE

    You tell me.

    NANCY
    
What, like drugs?

    SQUIRE

    (clutching his pearls)

    You brought drugs on my boat? My grandfather’s boat?

    NANCY

    This is outrageous.

    SQUIRE

    Your choice. Is it prison time? Or…

    The sound of the Coast Guard boat is drawing near.

    NANCY

    Okay, okay. Fishing excursion.

    SQUIRE

    You’re holding the pole wrong. Here.

    NANCY

    Don’t you even care about your boat?

    SQUIRE

    My grandfather’s boat. Yeah. Bummer. But freedom’s good. Okay, here they come. Ready?

    • Edward Lusk

      Member
      March 27, 2022 at 6:40 pm

      See Day 16 for notes…. thanks

      • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Edward Lusk.
      • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  Edward Lusk.
  • George Verongos

    Member
    March 26, 2022 at 11:39 pm

    REWRITE of Lesson 14 — QE Cycle #3

    LOGLINE: After being forced to work on a science project together, SQUIRE—a bad boy with even worse grades—realizes NANCY—the nerdiest girl in school—could keep him from flunking out, but Nancy has some conditions.

    ESSENCE: People will give up pieces of themselves to get what they want.

    INT. MR AVERY’S CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM — DAY—10 MINUTES AFTER THE TARDY BELL

    MR. AVERY’s classroom door opens and in walks NANCY, a junior and one of the smartest and nerdiest girls in school, holding a large stack of books in front of her. She is followed by SQUIRE, a handsome senior with long curly hair and chiseled features. He has no books. Nancy rushes to her lab table at the back of the class.

    AVERY: Squire, you’re late.

    SQUIRE: What about her? She’s late too.

    AVERY: Nancy volunteers at the animal shelter every Wednesday morning, so she’s excused. You’d know that if you were ever on time.

    The class “oohs” and “aahs”.

    AVERY: I guess that makes you and Nancy project partners.

    SQUIRE: What? Project?

    AVERY: Directions are on the board.

    NANCY: Excuse me, MR. AVERY, sir. (she pushes up her thick glasses) You couldn’t possibly expect me to agree to take him on as a partner. I’d prefer to work by myself.

    AVERY: Unfortunately Nancy, I do expect you to be his partner.

    The class rumbles a little.

    AVERY (CONT’D): Okay people, quiet down.

    SQUIRE: Naw, it’s cool, teach. I’ll just sit this one out.

    The class rumbles a little louder.

    NANCY (to herself): Good. Then it’s settled.

    AVERY: Well, if you sit this one out, you’ll also be sitting out graduation.

    The class gasps and “oohs”.

    SQUIRE: What do you mean, sittin’ out graduation?

    AVERY: I mean that if you do not pass this project, you will not have enough credits to graduate.

    The class erupted in catcalls and various exclamations, but Squire seems unfazed by the news of his failure as he makes his way back to where Nancy is sitting. He has a bounce in his step and flirts with every girl on the way. Nancy is visibly unhappy.

    AVERY (CONT’D): I said, quiet down, people! Now settle down and get to work. Your projects are due tomorrow, so use the rest of this class to work on them, quietly.

    The class moans and Mr. Avery retreats to his desk, as Squire plops down next to Nancy.

    SQUIRE (happy): Hey there, partner.

    NANCY: Why are you so happy?

    SQUIRE: Why not?

    NANCY: Mr. Avery just told you, you might not graduate. That’s why not.

    SQUIRE: I guess I just look at things differently.

    NANCY: Differently? How else could you look at flunking high school?

    SQUIRE: Things just always have a way of working out for me. Like better than expected.

    NANCY: That makes no logical sense. How can you be sure things always work out for you?

    SQUIRE: I can’t explain it. If you know, you know.

    Nancy pushed up her glasses and looks off in thought.

    NANCY: I mean, it’s not even mathematically possible let alone logical. How do you do it?

    SQUIRE: Look… what’s your name?

    NANCY: Nancy.

    SQUIRE: Nancy, I’m Squire by the way—

    NANCY: Yeah, I know; everyone knows who you are.

    SQUIRE: Like I was saying, I just decide what I want to happen and then it happens.

    NANCY: Like you are controlling the future? (beat) That’s impossible.

    SQUIRE: Don’t matter if you believe me or not.

    NANCY (slams fist on lab table): You’re lying! Prove it to me. How are you not going to flunk out of high school?

    Mr. Avery (not looking up from his desk): Everything okay back there?

    SQUIRE: Okay, okay, relax, Nance. I’ll tell ya. This is what is going to happen. I’m gonna get an A on the project and I’m going to graduate.

    NANCY: Oh, I see. Typical. You think you can get away with doing none of the work and still get a good grade that I did all the work for? It’s not my fault we got forced to work together.

    SQUIRE: That’s exactly what’s gonna happen. You don’t want a partner anyways, so I let work alone, and you let me share your grade, and I get to graduate. You said it yourself, it’s not my fault we got forced together. It’s perfect, really. It’s a win-win.

    NANCY (in thought): You have a point, but win-win? How’s it a win for me? I’d be doing the science project regardless.

    SQUIRE: Yeah, it’s a win for you. Besides, we don’t have a choice.

    NANCY (sighs): Unfortunately, you are correct. (beat) But, I have a condition.

    SQUIRE: What?

    NANCY (biting her lip): You have to go to prom with me.

    SQUIRE: What?! No way. I already have a date, my girlfriend.

    NANCY: Well, I guess you don’t want to graduate then.

    SQUIRE: The only way I don’t graduate is if you fail the project, and we both know there is no way you would purposely fail a project. Shit, you probably get all depressed when you get an A instead of an A+. And remember, we are being forced, we ain’t got no choice.

    NANCY: Actually, there is a significant difference between an A and an A+. (beat) If you don’t go to the prom with me, then I’ll just tell Mr. Avery that you didn’t do any of the work. Then you will fail and not walk at graduation.

    SQUIRE: What? You’re psycho. I’m not going to MY senior prom with YOU. Fuck that.

    NANCY: It’s your choice. (beat) Maybe we’ll be in the same chemistry class next year?

    Squire is annoyed and knows he has to go to the prom with Nancy or he won’t graduate.

    SQUIRE (defeated): Ok.

    NANCY: Really?

    SQUIRE: Yeah. I’ll do it. (sigh) I gotta graduate.

    NANCY (clenches fists): Excellent. Clarissa and Tammy will choke on their 4.0s when they see us together.

    SQUIRE: Can’t we just like, hang out at the prom for a few, maybe dance. I mean, it’s my senior prom, I want to go with my girlfriend. I got the whole night planned. I even got us a hotel room. Come on, Nance, please.

    NANCY: Oh, that reminds me. You need to break up with your girlfriend.

    SQUIRE: What? Why? I’m not breaking up with Jenny for… for you.

    NANCY: Fine. You can just take me to MY senior prom next year when you repeat the 12th grade.

    SQUIRE (more defeated): Fine.

    NANCY: Do it right now.

    SQUIRE: What? No. I’ll do it after school.

    NANCY: No. You have to do it now. I need proof and I have to leave immediately after school so I’m not late for my volunteer shift at the hospital.

    SQUIRE: I can’t call her in the middle of class.

    NANCY: Text her. Then just forward the text to me.

    SQUIRE: Text? I’m not an asshole. I’ll just explain to her that this psycho nerd in my chem class is blackmailing me and if she forgives me for the prom, we can get back together.

    NANCY (face contorted in anger): NO!

    AVERY (not looking up): I’m not going to tell you again. Keep it quiet.

    NANCY (quieter): No one can know about… about our little arrangement. It has to be as real as possible.

    Squire is silent and looking straight ahead in shock.

    NANCY (CONT’D): Now, text Jenny. (beat) Better yet, I’ll text her. Give me your phone.

    Without changing his gaze, Squire hands his phone to Nancy.

    END SCENE

    • Kristina Zill

      Member
      March 27, 2022 at 4:56 pm

      Hi, George – I posted feedback on your scene in Lesson 16. -KZ

  • Edward Lusk

    Member
    March 27, 2022 at 5:32 pm

    Ed’s QE Cycle # 3 – DRAFT # 2.

    Logline – On the morning of a big wedding, a florist morning takes a turns for the worst, or does it?

    Essence – with friends like this who needs enemies

    INT. FLOWER SHOP – DAY

    SQUIRE, 20’s, is surrounded by cut flowers and various floral displays in different stages of assembly. He’s busy arranging while sing-talking into a speaker phone.

    SQUIRE

    Jamie? Why don’t you pick up? Where are you? I’m not panicking- yet, today is the day.

    The Richmond/Raymond wedding. Remember? It’s big, it’s splashy, and famous, not to mention it means the world to me on so many different levels. Please get your cute ass in here ASAP! Bu-bye.

    The bell over the door jingles. NANCY, 40’s enters, her arms are full of supplies. She dumps them on the sorting table in a huff. She has large bruise across her face.

    SQUIRE

    Pumpkin, your beautiful face ——

    NANCY

    —— Somehow I knew I’d end up here this morning. Squire, I warned you about this.

    SQUIRE

    Love you too, Nancy. Start with the table arrangements, pleeeease.

    NANCY

    Listen and learn darling. The wedding party’s flowers are done first, then the wedding, then the reception. Unless you have a better idea?

    She starts roughly sorting through vases of flowers, cutting down stems, plucking off leaves. He movements deliberate, intense.

    NANCY

    God, I told you, don’t hiring him just because he’s cute. But noooo. Why listen to your best friend? Answer – because said friend can be relied on to show up and save your ass – again.

    SQUIRE

    Someone’s in a mood. Let’s just have fun with flowers. This is going to be a romantic day!

    NANCY

    I slipped in the shower, okay? You need proof? (Eyeing an arrangement) These are all wrong, by the way.

    Nancy tears into a completed arrangement. Squire tangles with her to stop it. A thorn rips into his finger. He playfully sucks on the finger. He bats his big brown eyes, the dimples debut.

    NANCY

    Sweetie, you’re cute, but you’re gay. Whatever this is…ain’t happening.

    SQUIRE

    Just kidding. I’m a florist not a mortician, although I may need one if this wedding tanks. I hope Jamie’s okay. Do you think I should leave and check on him?

    NANCY

    Let’s see, on one hand you have the wedding of the year that will make you famous and on the other you have missing numb-nuts who can’t tie his shoe and chew gum.

    SQUIRE

    I’d better stay. I’m sure he’ll show up soon.

    The door bell jingles again. A perplexed look crosses Squire’s face. A handsome man, 30’s, dressed in tuxedo, enters the shop. This is JONATHAN RICHMOND, one of the grooms. He’s disheveled and looks to have been crying.

    NANCY

    The plot thickens.

    JONATHAN

    How are you guys?

    SQUIRE

    Jonathan, you’re scaring me. Where’s Martin?

    JONATHAN

    Didn’t Jamie tell you?

    SQUIRE

    Jamie? Tell me what? I’ve been trying to reach him all morning.

    Nancy busies herself with an arrangement.

    JONATHAN

    That’s strange. When I talked to him he said he would talk to Nancy and you guys would figure it out…Sorry.

    SQUIRE

    Oh Nancy, care to comment?

    Nancy comes around the counter and embraces Jonathan in a big hug.

    NANCY

    Oh, sweetie. I’m so, so, sorry. Are you okay?

    All puppy eyes, Nancy ignores him, as she kisses him on the cheek then tucks a rose into Jonathan’s lapel. She winks at him.

    JONATHAN

    Your face….

    SQUIRE

    She slipped in the shower…Someone want to fill in the charming, but dumfounded florist, on what’s going on? I think I missed an episode.

    NANCY

    The wedding is postponed——

    JONATHAN

    ——It’s off.

    NANCY

    ——I said, postponed.

    SQUIRE

    Ummm…are you two getting married? Because this sounds like a fight to me.

    NANCY

    I did want to say anything Squire, in the hope they’d work things out. I mean why not give love a chance? It’s worked before.

    Jonathan locks eyes on Squire. He raises and eyebrow and flashes that devilish smile. They have a history.

    JONATHAN

    I’m guessing I won’t get my payment back?

    SQUIRE

    Jonathan, honey, you owe me a lot more than the down payment.

    JONATHAN

    Tempting but…Whoa. That’s not what Jamie told me. Right Nancy?

    SQUIRE

    My dear friend does not represent the Garden of Eden. She has other more, unrefined, business matters to attend to.

    NANCY

    Oh grow up Squire. You were out and I wasn’t about to let the biggest order in your life walk out the door. Given Martin’s money problems, and Jamie looking like a deer on the headlights, I took action. I told Jonathan it would be alright for a down payment and the balance due after the wedding. It was on odds on favorite things would work out. Oops.

    SQUIRE

    His is my shop! These are my decisions to make. If I wanted your help, I’d ask for it.

    NANCY

    Sweetie, you’re way in over your head. Business is not your forte, it’s okay. Go back to stripping, meet a rich man, sell your soul to the devil. Be like a normal person.

    JONATHAN

    I’ll take that under advisement, Nancy, Thank you….Jonathan, what happened?

    JONATHAN

    Martin lost the honeymoon money betting on a football game. I love him but I just can’t trust him anymore. It’s over.

    NANCY

    When god gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Am I right you two?

    SQUIRE

    Martin? The interior designer, bets on football games? What the Shonda Rhimes is going on?

    The next thing you’re going to tell me is Jamie is somehow involved in this.

    A beat. Eyes diverted to the floor.

    NANCY

    I’m only the bookie. It’s not my fault the adorable idiot bet the wrong team.

    Squire taps on the computer. His fingers taps around the screen following the flow of accounting transactions.

    SQUIRE

    I see where Jamie got the money.

    NANCY

    Yea that part was really stupid on his part. At least now he only owe’s me two grand.

    SQUIRE

    And yet again you neglected to tell me?

    Nancy feigns innocence. The phone rings.

    SQUIRE

    What else can go wrong today?….(answers) Hello, Garden of Eden, this is Squire…

    He listen’s intently, then hangs up.

    SQUIRE

    That was Martin…Jamie is in the hospital…he said Nancy put him there?

    JONATHAN

    Squire, how about going to brunch? There’s so much to get caught up on.

    Nancy twirls around a pair of pruning sheers, a malevolent twinkle in her eye.

    END SCENE

    • Kristina Zill

      Member
      March 27, 2022 at 6:19 pm

      Hi, Ed – I posted feedback for this scene on the Day 16 forum. -KZ

  • Sandra Nelles

    Member
    March 29, 2022 at 5:05 pm

    Sandra’s QE Cycle #3 Rewrite of Lesson 14

    LOGLINE: Things fall apart when two distrustful police officers are forced to work together to solve the murder of the mayor.

    ESSENCE: Collaboration works better than competition.

    SCENE:

    INT. POLICE STATION – DAY

    Police CHIEF (50) balding, stocky, gruff, sits behind a metal table, impatiently stares at the clock on the wall that reads 9:15 am. NANCY (30) slender, attractive, short hair, dressed in uniform leans against a wall with her arms crossed. SQUIRE (35), dark hair, ruggedly handsome, fit, looks totally hot in his uniform, casually saunters into the room without a care in the world.

    CHIEF

    You’re late. Where were you?

    SQUIRE

    I haven’t had breakfast yet.

    No doughnuts and coffee?

    CHIEF

    I’ve called you here to work on an important case together.

    The mayor has been murdered, and we need you two

    to interview a possible witness-suspect.

    NANCY

    But I work in domestic violence not homicide.

    CHIEF

    We need everyone on this and you’re going to need to

    go undercover as husband and wife to help find out what happened.

    Squire smiling, moves in close to Nancy and puts his arm around her. She glares at him and brushes his arm away.

    SQUIRE

    Sounds good to me. We get to spend time alone together.

    NANCY

    I can’t … I’m getting married in two days.

    SQUIRE

    (whispers in her ear)

    Maybe he’s not the right guy for you.

    CHIEF

    It’ll need to be postponed if you want to keep your job.

    NANCY

    Surely there’s someone else.

    CHIEF

    If there was, you wouldn’t be here.

    We need everyone on this case.

    Chief flips a light switch and we can see through the window in the next room. Sitting with her head in her arms on the table, IRIS (50’s) dirty and in ragged clothes, appears to be asleep.

    Nancy sneezes and coughs.

    NANCY

    I may be coming down with something.

    SQUIRE

    What do we know so far?

    Chief throws a file on the table.

    CHIEF

    Read the report…I have to get back upstairs.

    Chief leaves the room. Squire begins looking through the file.

    NANCY

    So, is SQUIRE your real name or a nickname?

    SQUIRE

    Long story. (reading) Mayor was hit on the head with a trophy in his

    home office. Iris is in her 50’s, homeless, arrested for shoplifting,

    petty theft…all minor stuff…was found disoriented nearby…

    NANCY

    Suppose you think you should question her first?

    SQUIRE

    (smiling)

    Ladies first.

    Nancy storms into the interrogation room. Throws the file and a pad of paper on the table and sits down across from Iris.

    NANCY

    (loudly)

    WAKE UP. We need to talk. What’s your name?

    Iris remains with her head on the table and eyes closed.

    IRIS

    (whispers)

    Iris.

    NANCY

    (shouts)

    OKAY, IRIS. Sit up, this is serious.

    IRIS

    I can hear you…not feeling great…

    NANCY

    Smells like you’ve been drinking.

    IRIS

    Uh huh. It’s legal.

    NANCY

    What were you doing at the Mayor’s house?

    IRIS

    Is that where I was?

    NANCY

    The Mayor’s been murdered. Did you see anything?

    IRIS

    I don’t remember.

    Nancy grabs the file and pad and storms out of the room and goes into the observation room.

    NANCY

    (speaks softly)

    She’s too drunk to question and

    she needs medical attention

    for that nasty gash on her head.

    Squire holding a cardboard tray with two coffees and breakfast wraps.

    SQUIRE

    (smiling)

    Let me show you how it’s done, sweetie.

    Squire waves the tray under Nancy’s nose as he leaves. He quietly enters the other room, and gently places the tray on the table and sits down.

    SQUIRE

    Hi, Iris. I brought some coffee and breakfast.

    This should help you feel better… if you help me out and tell the truth

    Squire takes a bite and a sip of coffee. Iris sits up, reaches for the coffee. Stares a Squire.

    IRIS

    Squire is that you?

    SQUIRE

    Mother?

  • Ed Preston

    Member
    April 3, 2022 at 2:14 am

    REWRITE of Lesson 14

    LOGLINE: Nancy and Squire help somebody move.

    ESSENCE: Don’t trust your stuff to just anyone, even Ivy Leaguers.

    SCENE:

    INT. SUSAN’S APARTMENT, CAMBRIDGE, MA, FRIDAY AFTERNOON, SUNNY SUMMER DAY

    Nancy and Susan are friends and recent Harvard grads. Their circle of friends are young professionals and grad students. Susan’s roommate, Loretta, just left on short notice for an internship in Europe. Nancy offered to help move her personal belongings into storage, primarily because she’s after Loretta’s boyfriend, Arlen, a 3rd year student at Harvard Med school.

    SUSAN

    Who’s this guy helping you move all that stuff today?

    NANCY

    Squire? Arlen’s roommate.

    SUSAN

    Why’s Arlen not here?

    NANCY

    He got called last minute to take a double shift at Mt. Auburn, poor thing! Amazing what you have to put up with to be a doctor. I think they try to work ‘em to death, and if they survive they get to be doctors! So I made him a fancy lunch – two paninis, kettle chips from Whole Foods, and Yodels, his favorite. More than his old girlfriend ever did for him.

    SUSAN

    Old girlfriend? You mean Loretta? Wait, they broke up?

    NANCY

    Oh they will. I found a few things out about her he really needs to know, and my peeps will be dropping those tidbits ever so discretely! Besides, he doesn’t like her that much anyway and just needs a little help, if you know what I mean.

    SUSAN

    (nods knowingly)

    Got ya! And how thoughtful of you to help move her stuff while she’s away in London. You really are a saint! But who’s this roommate? Is he gonna be a doctor too? Is he cute?

    NANCY

    He’s some kind of software dweeb. Went to MIT. Designs games or something. Not exactly my ideal pick for a moving helper. Probably never lifted anything bigger than a backpack in his life. Looks more like Arnold Stang than Arnold Schwartzenwhosie.

    SUSAN

    Well, I don’t go for muscle men anyway, and there’s good money in games these days. But is he cute??

    NANCY

    He’s ok. Be better looking if he was in med school.

    The doorbell buzzes. Nancy gets the door. It’s Squire.

    NANCY

    Hello Squire, come in!

    Squire, 24, not bad looking if you like the hipster hair and scruffy beard look, enters.

    SQUIRE

    Hello, ladies! (notices Susan) …and who is this?

    NANCY

    Squire, this is Susan, my roommate.

    SQUIRE

    (takes Susan’s hand)

    Greetings, lovely lady. I am (with a Shakespearean flourish) your squire!

    Susan is amused by the gesture and play on words.

    SQUIRE

    Will you be joining us today?

    NANCY

    Unfortunately, no. Susan’s off to the Vineyard for the weekend.

    SQUIRE

    More’s the pity… For us that is. Are you going to the beach? Me, I can be happy all day on the beach with a PB&J, a can of pop and sunscreen!

    SUSAN

    Charming. No, a combination of beach, sailing and shopping in Edgartown. (to Nancy) Mostly shopping! Nancy tells me you’re a software developer.

    SQUIRE

    Something like that.

    SUSAN

    Gaming?

    SQUIRE

    Something like that.

    SUSAN

    Where do you work?

    SQUIRE

    You know that office complex, the big one between MIT and the Science Museum? Near there.

    Susan grabs her overnight bag and heads for the door.

    SUSAN

    Fascinating. Well, I’m off. Have fun moving, Nancy, and nice meeting you, Squire.

    SQUIRE

    Likewise, I’m sure. Perhaps…

    SUSAN

    (already into the hall)

    Ta!

    NANCY

    (leans out the door and waves)

    Have a great weekend!

    Nancy goes back in the apartment and finds Squire poking through the refrigerator.

    SQUIRE

    Orange popsicles, my favorite!

    Squire takes one out, starts unwrapping it. Nancy is irritated but says nothing.

    NANCY

    Let’s get going, I don’t want this to take all day.

    SQUIRE

    Hey, how hard can it be to move a few boxes?

    NANCY

    I only just got here before you did. Everything’s in the second bedroom, and all we have to do is take everything to unit #1601 at the Alewife Stor-U-Stuff, slap a lock on the door and we’re done. C’mon.

    Nancy steps over to the second bedroom and opens the door. The room is loaded with boxes and trash bags crammed with clothes.

    NANCY

    Good grief…

    SQUIRE

    What? What’s the matter (enters) Oh fuuuuuhhh….

    NANCY

    You brought Arlen’s truck, right?

    SQUIRE

    He said I could use it, but, well, I don’t like trucks, they use too much gas and they’re not good for the environment, and he said it was just some boxes, so…

    NANCY

    So… what?

    SQUIRE

    So I brought my Prius. It’s got a lot of room in the back and I used it when I moved… besides, what’s the rush? That bed in the other room looks comfortable and maybe we should rest up before we exert ourselves. (raises an eyebrow) What do you think?

    NANCY

    (exasperated)

    Ugh! NO! Look at all this we have to move. You were supposed to bring his truck and you didn’t because “trucks are bad”! Well, trucks are really good when you need to move things! Now, who knows when we’ll ever get done? Grab something, let’s go!

    She picks up two boxes, one on top of the other, and heads outside. Squire schlumps along behind with a trash bag stuffed with clothes. The Prius holds more than Nancy expects but a lot less than a truck. They fill it in no time and drive to the storage unit. But after three trips, Squire starts whining.

    SQUIRE

    Can we take a break? I’m exhausted!

    NANCY

    No! It’s not even 4:30, we’ve hardly made a dent in anything, and if we had the truck we could’ve been done by now. And you’ve eaten all the popsicles!

    Nancy looks out the window and sees a couple of kids nosing around the Prius.

    NANCY

    Hey you kids, get away from that car!

    The kids give her the finger but leave. Nancy turns and sees Squire out cold on the couch. Exasperated, she grabs a paper cup, puts in some water and throws it on Squire. He gasps and sputters.

    NANCY

    Come on! Let’s go!

    SQUIRE

    What was that for?

    NANCY

    Motivation. Besides, something bad might happen if we don’t get this done soon.

    SQUIRE

    What do you mean? This is the safest neighborhood in Cambridge.

    NANCY

    (walking out with another load)

    I’m not talking about the neighborhood. COME ON!

    Six trips later it’s well after dark, but they’re finally done with their last load at the Store-U-Stuff. They slide the door down on a full storage unit.

    NANCY

    The lock, please.

    SQUIRE

    The lock?

    FADE TO BLACK.

  • Amechi Ngwe

    Member
    April 17, 2022 at 9:21 pm

    REWRITE OF DAY 14 SCENE

    EXT. MANSION – NIGHT

    THE BARE FEET of a muscular man disappear around a corner between the pool house and some bushes. SQUIRE, 30s, emerges, adjusting a black guard’s uniform that’s a little too tight for him. He has a face you don’t recognize but instinctively trust. He walks alongside a pool, checking out his reflection.

    SQUIRE
    (to himself)
    Looking good, sir.

    A FEMALE SECURITY GUARD watches him from near the mansion’s back door. She eyes him suspiciously. He holds her gaze and winks at her. She looks away, flustered and he quickly skips past her.

    Squire continues around the–

    SIDE OF MANSION

    A camera is mounted high on a wall. Squire, hanging from a rope, whistles to himself as he climbs from below it and eases himself around it, so as not to be seen. He pulls himself onto the—

    ROOFTOP

    And swings a small bag off his back. He opens it, removing small metal tubes and starts piecing them together.

    SQUIRE
    And this bit goes here…

    He assembles them into a SNIPER RIFLE. He looks down the scope…

    SCOPE POV

    And swings his aim down towards a man walking over to the pool. The man’s back is to Squire. Squire focuses squarely between the man’s shoulders. Then suddenly swings his vision to the large back yard of the next house, where a WOMAN, 60s, sits reading a book on a lounge chair. This is TINA, a woman with so many secrets, she’s even instinctively covering up the title of the book she’s reading. The crosshairs jerk slightly.

    BACK TO SCENE

    Squire realizes the sniper rifle is trembling in his hands. Nerves. Weird. He smiles to himself, exhales.

    SQUIRE
    Let’s do what we came to do.

    Places his finger on the trigger…
    A pistol is pressed against his head.

    He glances over at NANCY, 40s, athletic, cold lizard eyes concealing her warm heart. Right now she looks furious. Squire cracks a smile. Nancy doesn’t go for it.

    SQUIRE
    Hey love. The bosses sent you too?

    NANCY
    They knew you’d mess up.

    SQUIRE
    And you’re here to clean up the mess when I do?

    NANCY
    I have a better way to do this so I thought I’d save you the trouble. Why don’t you just go home early?

    SQUIRE
    Um, I like getting paid? How long have you been waiting for me?

    NANCY
    I wasn’t waiting for you.

    SQUIRE
    So this is just where you normally meet contract killers?

    Nancy sighs and lowers the pistol.

    NANCY
    Six hours.

    SQUIRE
    Can I finish this? We can catch up over a drink.

    NANCY
    This means more to me than it does to you.

    SQUIRE
    I’d let you take the shot, but we both know you can’t aim for shit.

    NANCY
    I don’t miss.

    SQUIRE
    Not even me?

    NANCY
    Especially not you. You’re a distraction.

    SQUIRE
    Still blaming me for all your flaws?

    NANCY
    Go home, Squire. Tina’s going to die.

    SQUIRE
    And I really really have to be the one to pull the trigger.

    They look over as a delivery truck rumbles to a stop outside the front of Nancy’s home. A driver hops out with a box and carries it to the front door.

    Squire sees Nancy’s eyes light up as Tina gets up to answer the door.

    NANCY
    Maybe neither of us need to get our hands dirty.

    SQUIRE
    (re: Delivery)
    One of your special deliveries?

    NANCY
    To clean up your mess, I’m going to make a bigger one.

    SQUIRE
    Unless I shoot her first.

    NANCY
    Maybe she’ll open the package inside.

    SQUIRE
    So why even come?

    NANCY
    I want to see the whites of her eyes before she goes. I want to be here to make sure she’s not clawing to hang on to her life.

    SQUIRE
    It’s always more fun being up close.

    He gives her a grin. She’s not going for it.

    NANCY
    Who cares? As long as the job gets done.

    The delivery van pulls off. A CAR zips into the driveway. A pair of LITTLE GIRLS get out of the car and hurry for the door, ahead of their mother.

    Squire and Nancy exchange a worried look.

    SQUIRE
    Um… Are you going to stop this or…?

    NANCY
    We can’t.

    Squire tries to get up. Nancy holds him down. He knocks his sniper rifle off the roof.

    They watch in horror as it tumbles and—A YELL.

    They peek over the edge. Lying on the ground next to the gun is the man, blood streaming from his head.

    The Female Security guard looks up at them and opens fire.

    Nancy ducks out of the way.

    Squire looks next door. Tina is in the back yard with the package, staring up at them.

    Nancy bumps Squire aside, takes aim at Tina’s chest and squeezes the trigger.

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