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Day 15 Assignments
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16 Replies
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Title: Ed. Gillow QE Cycle 2 – Rewrite
LOGLINE: An untested EOD team is tasked to diffuse an IED found beside a main supply route.
ESSENCE: The high risk associated with bomb diffusing when you work with someone who hasn’t earned your trust.
EXT. AFGHANISTAN DESERT – DAY
Two EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) soldiers in blast suits slowly approach what looks like a pile of rocks.
Several Marine sniper teams provide backup cover for the two soldiers.
SQUIRE
So sweetheart, how many of these IED tricks you done before?
NANCY
Several.
SQUIRE
Several? What’s that one or twenty?
NANCY
What are you worried about, sarge? I’m not a BOLO. How many have you done?
SQUIRE
Enough.
NANCY
Glad this turd is out in the sandbox so no civilians get affected.
SQUIRE
What, we got a bleeding heart here?
NANCY
Stuff it, asshole.
Squire spots some partially concealed wires.
SQUIRE
Well. Well. Well. What do we have here?
Nancy surveys the immediate area for a few moments.
NANCY
Looks like a typical matrix layout. Think its remotely triggered?
SQUIRE
I sure hope to shit it’s not, sexy. Let me turn on the jammer to be safe. I don’t want my nuts blown off. Thank you.
NANCY
You treat your last partner like that?
SQUIRE
My last partner got the shit blown out of himself. That ain’t goin’ to happen to me.
NANCY
Whatever you say, Squire.
Nancy spends a few more moments surveying the layout.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Hmm. You check out those right leading wires. I’ll take the left.
SQUIRE
Yes sir, LT.
Squire follows the right leads, carefully pulling the wires from under the dirt.
Nancy does the same with the left leads.
WHEN:
SQUIRE
Whoa! Hold on to your panties there.
NANCY
What is it, Sargeant?
SQUIRE
I think I found the mother load.
Nancy makes her way over to Squire as fast as the blast suit allows her.
NANCY
So what are you thinking? Hundred pounds of tnt there?
SQUIRE
Yup, at least.
NANCY
Leaves pressure, trip, infrared, and magnetic as triggers.
SQUIRE
Very good LT. I’m starting to trust you a bit more.
NANCY
That makes my day, sarge. Let’s get to it.
SQUIRE
Ladies first, I always say.
NANCY
Cut the shit, ace. Let’s get these rocks off here.
SQUIRE
Oooh, now you’re talking my language sweetheart.
Nancy shoots Squire a look. They work together to carefully remove the rocks off the IED.
NANCY
That’s a complicated looking one. Definitely made by someone who knows what they’re doing.
SQUIRE
I know what I’d like to be doing right now and who I’d be doing it with.
NANCY
Can you give it a rest, Squire? I was just starting to trust you. Get down there and figure out what the trigger is.
As Squire gets down on all fours:
SQUIRE
Say baby, this is my favorite position…
Nancy is about to respond, WHEN:
CLICK.
NANCY
DON’T MOVE!
Squire freezes.
SQUIRE
Oh shit!
NANCY
Just stay frosty, sarge. I’ll check it out.
Nancy gets down on all fours as she slowly checks around Squire and the IED.
NANCY
Definitely pressure trip. Let me get the robot over here and free you.
SQUIRE
Good idea, I don’t want to die.
As she moves back from Squire to stand up:
CLICK!
Nancy freezes.
SQUIRE
What the fuck, LT?
NANCY
Chill sarge. It’s not like I planned this.
VOICE (OVER SUIT RADIOS)
What’s taking so long? Our asses are in the breeze here.
Squire looks at Nancy.
SQUIRE
So what do you say, sweetheart, you gonna answer him?
Nancy looks over at Squire.
NANCY
I don’t know which hand is over the pressure plate.
VOICE (OVER SUIT RADIOS)
EOD one! I say again. What is your status?
NANCY
Can you lift your hand?
SQUIRE
No! I’m not gonna lift my hand. You’re the LT. Answer him.
Nancy looks at Squire, then looks at both her hands.
As she lifts her right hand:
The blast could be felt one hundred meters away.
As Marines recover and stand up, the Major looks at his second in command.
MAJOR
Blevins, take three marines and see if those EODs survived.
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Edward:
I really enjoyed the cliff hanger you included in your rewrite. It brings in an element of hope and still some fear. Good tension.
I tripped on some of the concepts, what is a BOLO, and not sure how Nancy starting to stand up puts both her hands on a pressure plate. I encourage you to go a little deeper in your explanation in those two areas.
On Nancy’s core traits, had a challenge in finding dialogue reflecting the “scheming” core trait. On Squire’s dialogue, the core trait of “happy go lucky” could be enhanced.
The sub texts of both Nancy and Squire come out in the dialogue and actions.
The interest techniques of the Hook; dilemma, something unseen; mystery anticipatory dialogue; cliff hanger and uncomfortable moments were all present.
Was impressed with the rewrite and really admire the technique and unusual situation you placed your scene. Well done, sir.
Bob Kerr
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Robert: Good feedback as always. I may have gone too far on the combat lingo, so good catch. and with Nancy standing up good catch there. Will bring out the scheming on Nancy better, it was too subtle in the action. also happy go lucky on Squire. Thanks again for very right on feedback. I will try and return the favor. Blessings…
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Hi Edward! I really liked the way you ended it – great cliffhanger, uncertainty, and creating a future. There were many other interest techniques that paid off; hook, something unseen (with two bombs!), suspense, uncomfortable moments, prediction, surprise. An unexpected major twist and setting. You chose a good scene for anticipatory dialogue, too. I felt that Squire’s evasive, happy-go-lucky (with an attitude), and seductive traits were very evident. I’m wondering if his selfish trait could be more developed. Nancy is confrontational, stubborn, and caring. Her scheming trait is the challenge. I also think that one-word dialogue can’t show a trait or interest technique as well as a sentence in which you can add even more to the subtext you already handled so well. Good job!
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Hi Denice. Thank you for your gracious and insightful feedback. Screenwriting (for me) is a continual learning experience. Always good to have other’s eyes on writing to help shine light on stuff that I missed. Thank you. As I told Robert, I’m not good with feedback but will try to add some value to feedback for you. Cheers…
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Hi Edward,
Thank you! I think you give great feedback, so don’t sell yourself short. I’ve been writing scripts for over 22 years and I learn something new all the time. I don’t think there’s ever an end to that process if you want to get better. Onward and upward!
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You are most kind Denice. I DO appreciate the kind words. Writing is like acting, in that we continually learn something new all the time. If we say we know everything, we don’t. I really enjoy your writing, your experience shows through. This pet store scene is hilarious. I can see it in my head. Amen on onward and upward…. cheers!
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Denice’s Rewrite
Logline: Nancy and Squire, ex-girlfriend/boyfriend have to take care of a pet shop.
Essence: There’s no doubt these two will never get back together.
INT. WE LOVE PETS – DAY
The rising sun shines through the windows of a small, tidy pet shop.
NANCY (17), unlocks, pushes through the door. A small bell rings over the door.
Animals rustle in their cages. Bark, trill, squawk.
She locks the door behind her.
NANCY
Morning, everyone! I’m here to make your day wonderful.
A Blue-Throated Macaw, BLUEBEARD, flies toward Nancy.
BLUEBEARD
Ahoy.
He lands on Nancy’s shoulder.
NANCY
Ahoy, Bluebeard. How’s my smart boy?
She scratches blue neck feather surrounded by brilliant gold.
NANCY
If I had twelve hundred dollars, I’d give you a great home.
A knock on the door. Bluebeard sweeps toward it. Perches on the top of the door jam.
BLUEBEARD
Ahoy, me hearty.
Nancy unlocks, and carefully opens the door an inch.
NANCY
Sorry, we’re closed. Come back in an hour.
SQUIRE (17), shoves his head through the opening. Shit. It’s her. He smiles.
SQUIRE
Hey, Beautiful.
Nancy sucks in a breath. Tries to close the door on his neck.
NANCY
Go away.
He winks.
SQUIRE
Please, don’t make me lose my head again.
NANCY
I don’t want the bird to get out.
Squire twists his head up to the Macaw.
SQUIRE
He likes me too much o leave. Ahoy, matey.
Squire pushes inside.
The bell rings.
Squire leans toward Nancy with a grin.
SQUIRE
What a surprise, Beautiful.
NANCY
Stop calling me that. Why are you here? Are you stalking me?
Bluebeard flies to Squire’s shoulder. He pets the bird.
SQUIRE
Happy coincidence. Just helping the owner.
NANCY
Joshua didn’t tell me about you. How do you know him?
He looks at his watch.
SQUIRE
Got other things on for today. Time to clean and feed.
NANCY
I don’t want your help.
He smiles. Puts the Macaw on his perch.
SQUIRE
Wouldn’t want you to dry out those soft hands. I can handle this.
NANCY
I’m not leaving. You can’t expect me to believe you’ll do a good job?
SQUIRE
I work alone.
NANCY
I’m sure the beautiful Lucinda would disagree.
SQUIRE
Not for discussion.
NANCY
Why do you always have to have everything your way?
He raises his hands in defeat.
SQUIRE
I give up. Dibs on the puppy side. But, you do the snake.
He beelines for the puppy pen.
She watches him, a gleam in her eyes.
NANCY
(under her breath) What a good idea.
Squire feeds, laughs, plays with a dozen puppies.
Nancy rushes to finish her half of the chores. She finishes in record time before he’s half-through. She strolls to the Corn Snake’s aquarium.
Squire cleans the mouse cages a few feet away. He takes a white mouse out of its cage. Plays with it.
SQUIRE
Hey, beautiful. I think you look like a Nancy.
Nancy stiffens. Turns her back on him to cover her movements. She lifts the heavy snake out of his aquarium. Six feet of orange, gold, and black bands slithers toward Squire and the mouse.
Bluebeard’s wings flutter.
BLUEBEARD
Ahoy.
Nancy pours water for Bluebeard. Sings part of a pirate song.
NANCY
YO-HO-HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM. DRINK AND THE DEVIL HAD DONE THE REST . . .
Snake climbs on Squire’s tennis shoe. He looks down. All the blood drains from his face. He’s so terrified, he can’t move or utter a sound.
Mouse sniffs. Skitters up Squire’s shoulder. Leaps to the top of a nearby cage.
Bluebeard sweeps toward the mouse.
NANCY
No, Bluebeard. Ah – avast ye, avast ye!
She jumps to catch Bluebeard. Misses.
Mouse flees between aquariums.
Snake twists up Squire’s jeans to his arm. Orange eyes stare into Squire’s. He eyes roll back in his head. He falls backward. Hits the latch on the puppy gate. The snake crawls into the pen. Puppies leap out. Chase each other.
Nancy freezes. Looks at Squire, the snake, puppies, Bluebeard.
NANCY
Squire. Wake up. We can’t let anything get hurt.
Bluebeard squawks overhead.
She plunges after the mouse.
Puppies tear around the pet shop. Knock over the stand of toys and cards. They slip, pounce on squeaky toys, poop, chew everything on the floor.
Nancy waves Bluebeard away with one hand. Snatches the mouse with the other. She puts the mouse safely in its cage.
Bluebeard craps on Nancy’s head.
Squire drags himself up on the edge of the puppy pen. Wobbles. The snake wriggles toward him. He screeches. Backs up. Trips on the knocked-over stand. Hits the floor. Puppies leap all over him.
The bell on the door rings.
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Denice: Great rewrite. I really loved how you created a dynamic and unique environment to stage a very challenging reality for most people, that of when our ex’s still populate our sphere. Your coverage of the four core traits is easily recognizable. Your application of the interest techniques really hones in on the uncomfortable moment, hook, dilemma,. mystery and anticipatory dialogue. AN opportunity to expand the actions to hone in on the “predictions” element is where you could really take this scene over the top. Well done and I you have a real flair for creating unusual yet common settings. Great job!
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Thank you so much for your feedback and comments, Bob! I really appreciate your help in finding what I can do to elevate the scene. We’re so close, we often miss how to do that and extra eyes are invaluable. Especially with the ability of those taking this class.
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Hey Denice: Really liked this version. I have to agree with what Robert wrote regarding setting, interest techniques, and traits. I liked the pacing, due to snappy dialogue and quick action lines. Not sure who Lucinda is, i assumed the new girlfriend? The calamity at the end is hilarious and makes for a great visual. The cliffhanger at end is priceless. From an actor’s POV, this would be a great scene to play. Well done Denice.
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Title: Bob Kerr QE Cycle 3 – Rewrite
LOGLINE: two colleagues are tasked with solving a critical challenge for their university in a short time frame.
ESSENCE: The need to trust and collaborate is a bridge too far for two co-workers and the result is messy.
INT: UNIVERSITY OFFICE – EVENING
The office of the Assistant Director is spacious with a large window looking out on the campus quad. The desk is placed in the middle of the room and the walls are decorated with framed diploma’s, pictures of famous alumni posing with the Assistant Director and a framed copy of a national award she has received. The Assistant Director, NANCY, is a stunning African American woman, late twenties and is tall and lean. She is on the phone when SQUIRE, a twenty something, white handsome staff member walks in the door. Nancy points to the chair in front of her desk and motions for Squire to sit down and close the door.
NANCY:
Yes Rich, we’ll take care of it. I’ll email you our solution by 7pm tonight. Don’t worry I’ve got your back. Enjoy the rest of the conference.
Nancy hangs up the phone.
SQUIRE
Sounds like Rich has a bit of an emergency. What’s up?
NANCY:
It’s a disaster. Seems like Gene, the President of the Parents Association has flaked on us and resigned with one week till Parents Weekend. You and I are tasked to come up with a strategy to get a replacement and get it to Rich by 7pm tonight.
SQUIRE:
That’s easy. I suggest we adjourn to the Hotel Boulderado and enjoy some music, wine and see what else we can think to do with the evening.
NANCY
You need to put a cork in that right now!
SQUIRE
That’s not what you said this summer.NANCY:
As far as I’m concerned that never happened.
SQUIRE:
Too bad. I have a perfect memory and I mean a perfect memory.
(Squires eyes lock in with Nancy’s eyes)
I’m gifted that way.
NANCY:
Stop that. This is critical. Rich has to explain to the President what happened and who he is tapping to fill in. Then he has to share it at the breakfast meeting tomorrow morning.
SQUIRE:
What does Rich say prompted this resignation. Doesn’t sound like the man I know.
NANCY:
No details but Rich is in deep shit if we don’t fix this by 7pm. Now, focus on who do you think we could get to volunteer for this leadership position? I’m open to suggestions.
SQUIRE:
You’ve already heard my suggestions. But, I’m not so sure we should come to the rescue here. Last week, I was in a meeting with Rich and Gene and Rich insulted Gene’s integrity and Gene left in a huff.
NANCY:
Rich didn’t say anything about that. Now I care about this place and whatever you think, we have to fix this and we’re running out of time.
SQUIRE:
You made the promise to Rich. I’m just the “Happy-go-lucky dope, that got roped into this drama when there is no real problem.
NANCY:
I’m telling you it’s our problem. Now, what’s the first step. Or do I need to remind you I am reporting to Rich in a little more than an hour and he’s going to want to know our strategy and if there were any problems. Do you understand?
SQUIRE:
Understand completely. Just think you’ll like the answer better over a glass of a wine instead of behind the desk. After all, everybody has left for the day and we’ve plenty of time. Trust me, you’re going to like what I have to say.
NANCY:
Trust you, hmm that’s a good one. Now, what suggestions do you have?
Squire gets out of the chair and stands up.
SQUIRE
I’m off the clock and there’s a booth at the Hotel Boulderado calling my name. I suggest you join me and email Rich from there. You’re going to want to hear what I have to say. Then you really are going to need a drink.
Squire heads for the door and has he puts his hand on the doorknob Nancy stands up.
NANCY:
If I have to I’ll do this on my own. Including taking all the credit.
SQUIRE:
Such sweet memories from this summer. You know where I’ll be and you’re not the only one with Rich’s email address.
Squire exits the door and Nancy looks at the wall clock, sits down and sighs.
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Hi Bob!
Your Squire shows all of his traits to great effect. Great job. I think Nancy’s are good, too. You might add a little more scheming–if she wants a certain candidate or something like that. You’ve made their subtext traits obvious. I feel you covered the interest techniques of anticipatory dialogue, betrayal, dilemma, prediction, uncertainty, uncomfortable moment, mystery well. You might think of creating a future, cliffhanger, and suspense, stronger with something Nancy does at the end. You accomplished a lot in a very short time. Kudos.
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Denice: Thanks for a great on point feedback. This one was really a struggle for me as I wanted to get the scene into a very tight and concise format; the practice is good for my script. For the next assignment I will work to expand the action and dialogue. Deeply appreciate your feedback.
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Hi Robert. I agree with Denice’s comments regarding subtext, interest and character traits. I liked how you introduced the setting. Took me back to my college days… lol. I know I sound like a broken record on this: the only feedback I can give is dialogue. I see this as a back and forth (roller coaster?) scene. “Speeches” slow pacing down. Avoid exposition, if possible. Keep verbs active and simple (present, past, future). I feel like I’m lecturing and don’t mean to, we all have our styles, I like your writing and gotten invested in it, guess that is why I got focused on the dialogue. Pardon if I crossed a line. Have a blessed day.
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Zev Ledman Max Entertainment – Rewrite Scene
Logline – Nancy, and Squire meet to finalize a Divorce.
Essence – Nancy wants to protect her assets from her ex, Squire who wants to figure out how to get the most out of her without angering her.
Scene – A quaint bar. The place is almost empty except for a few people sitting at the bar. NANCY, with a large shopping bag beside her, and SQUIRE, both thirtyish, sit at a back corner table with a drink.
SQUIRE – So, what have you been up to? And, what’s with the bag?
NANCY – It’s nothing. Let’s just focus on why we came here.
SQUIRE – Always so wound up. I hope someday you learn to relax.
NANCY – I know where that leads. And, that ain’t happenin.
SQUIRE – I just thought we could do this in a nice way.
NANCY – So, what did you come up with?
SQUIRE – What do you think is fair?
NANCY – Fair! Are you kidding me? You’re supposed to present something to me. Why are we even here?
SQUIRE – To work out our differences.
NANCY – So, tell me, what do you have a problem with?
SQUIRE – Nancy, I can’t live on what you’ve offered.
NANCY – That’s not my problem. You just need to find a job. I mean, why did you even get a degree in Computer Science?
SQUIRE – How did I know that type of work would stress me out so much?
NANCY – I’m sorry about that, Squire. But, why did you bother spending so much time and my money getting more certificates if you weren’t going to use them?
SQUIRE – I really thought that by improving my skills, it would make my job less stressful. It didn’t.
Nancy – Surely, there’s some other job you can do.
Seeing Squire’s almost empty glass, WAITRESS comes to the table.
WAITRESS – Refill?
Squire is relieved the Waitress came and gestures to refill both drinks.
Nancy shakes her head.
SQUIRE (to Waitress) Both. (to Nancy) Come on, Nancy. Chill! You know, I really want you to be happy. Let’s start with my original proposal.
Waitress leaves and Nancy sighs as she furrows her brow at him.
NANCY – You get half of anything? It was so ridiculous.
SQUIRE – Because that’s the way it works? I really want to be fair.
NANCY – Really! Knowing that over seventy percent of my assets were from an early distribution from my parent’s estate. I know your attorney told you that any inheritance is not included in the joint assets.
SQUIRE – I’m not asking for all of that, just a little.
NANCY – Forget it. Give a little and you’ll want more.
SQUIRE – Not true. I just need something to cover me until I find something. And, what I’m asking for won’t affect your lifestyle at all. I would never do that.
NANCY – How much time?
SQUIRE – I don’t know.
NANCY – Is that right? Why don’t you tell me what places you’ve interviewed with?
SQUIRE – Lots, I can’t remember them all.
She glares at him intently.
Squire starts chuckling.
Nancy’s pissed.
SQUIRE – Sorry, honey. I was just thinking about those times we would fight. You were unbelievable in those make-up sessions. You know I did everything to make it up to you.
Nancy thinks and smiles.
SQUIRE – I will always love you.
NANCY – Love is much more than making love. We have children to think about.
SQUIRE – Do you think our split has been good for the kids?
NANCY – Of course not. But, neither was it good for them to see us fighting all the time.
The Waitress sets the drinks down on the table.
WAITRESS – Can I get you anything else?
Both shake their heads and Waitress leaves.
NANCY – Okay, this is what I’ll agree to. I’ll give you my entire Fidelity account if you agree to let me have sole custody of the children.
SQUIRE – You call that fair? Either, I get thrown out on the street or I never get to see my kids.
NANCY – Look drama queen, you were a lousy father. You only took the kids on things you wanted to do. You were never interested in even finding out what they wanted to do.
SQUIRE – Bullshit. I wanted them to experience unusual things in their life.
NANCY – What, like racetracks and boxing?
SQUIRE – What’s wrong with that?
NANCY – Never mind. That’s my offer.
SQUIRE – No way.
NANCY – I know you think my brother was the reason I decided to seek a Separation. Not true. I was just scared of your reaction. All he told me was not to worry. He would handle it.
SQUIRE – He’s an asshole.
NANCY – Well, I stopped that asshole from going over to beat the shit out of you after you slashed his tires and broke his windshield. And, you know what he’s capable of!
SQUIRE – I don’t know what you and your brother have been smoking, but I didn’t even know about this until you told me.
NANCY – I know you saw the cameras on my brother’s home. Did you really think that by wearing a hoody and ski mask, nobody would figure it out.
Squire rolls his eyes, shakes his head and, his hands lightly shaking, takes a big swallow off his new drink.
NANCY – This is how it stacks up, you’ll be out on the street in six months if you don’t take my offer because you’re nothing but a lazy slug. Besides, it’ll be better for the kids. And, I’ll throw in another bonus. I’ll pay off all the credit cards that you ran up. We both know you’ll never pay a dime on them.
SQUIRE – The whole time we were together, you never cared about me. Your whole focus was your job, always trying to outdo everyone else so you would get the promotion.
NANCY – Was it wrong to be ambitious? You got a lot of benefits from that. And, was that your excuse for having numerous affairs? I had never even expected that. But my family thought there was something fishy going on. So, I followed their advice and got a P.I. to follow you. And, you’ll never guess what he discovered while he tailed you over a month. Imagine my surprise. You’re quite the busy bee. So, it wasn’t only affairs you were having.
Squire glares at her, shocked.
NANCY – That’s right. And, it will be presented at the court, and specially delivered to the D.A.’s office. Oh yeah, did you ever wonder what happened to those special, really expensive boots you bought when we went to Sweden?
She reaches in her bag and pulls the boots out and sets them on the table.
NANCY – That’s how we knew it was you. It’s on the camera.
SQUIRE – You fucking bitch!
Nancy throws her new drink all over him. Everyone in the bar turns towards them. Squire is embarrassed and raging.
He grabs for the boots in one hand and prepares to punch Nancy with the other. Nancy sticks her cheek out at him.
NANCY – Go on, you coward! My brother drove me here and he’s still waiting outside. So, go on!
Squire starts shaking a little as he looks at her with trepidation.
NANCY – Think good and hard about my proposal… And, the boots stay with me. Or, if you prefer, I’ll have my brother come in and get them.
Squire releases them and she puts them back in her bag, throws $50 on the table, and leaves while giving him a disgusted look.
NANCY – I know you had no intention of paying.
She scurries out. An embarrassed Squires wipes the drink off his face as he smiles uncomfortably while looking around the bar.
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