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Day 15 Assignments
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ASSIGNMENT – DAY 15
Subject line: Alan’s Thriller Map – Version 1
Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman repeatedly risks his life attempting to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.
Alan’s Thriller Map – A BLIND EYE
For: My friends who have been victims.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT
A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, athlete build, silver wedding ring.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT
The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman.
At a back corner table, Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.
At the bar, a tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.
As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.
INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT
Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.
INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT
Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY
Denver Police Detective Swaboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.
EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY
Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to Sioux Falls.
INT. SIOUX FALLS BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Madison buys a bus ticket to Denver. $149. She’s shocked to be almost broke.
INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, the Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Jay sees him slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay debates whether to help or not. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. But, Jay won’t let the Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. The Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay.
LATER
Detective Swaboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. Quinn brings Jay in for questioning.
INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress identify Jay. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.
INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.
INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY
‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.
Blake and the Rolex Creep congratulate Finn and tell him to keep using Jay’s name.
INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.
EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Lacy moved out without talking to Jay. Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.
EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY
Police find Blake dead in a gully.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY
Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay and Holly’s rich dad. Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.
INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY
Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.
The FBI have eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.
Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.
The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.
EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.
INT. FBI VAN – DAY
Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. She tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.
EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
A truck brothel thug chases after Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.
INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
FBI agents verify Holly’s being shipped to China.
Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.
EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY
Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.
EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY
Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.
LATER
Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay and rescuing Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.
INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.
EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY
Traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.
INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY
The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel.
Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.
LATER
Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.
INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY
Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.
LATER
With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.
THE END
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Hi Alan, I really enjoyed reading/dissecting your map for A BLIND EYE. The story hangs together well, is fast-paced, and layered with all the MIS elements we’ve worked on in the class. Great work! Thanks for sharing it.
Here’s some feedback for your Thriller Map:
1) Excellent use of opening images to begin your story visually – the ‘Person of Interest’ flyers. We’re immediately intrigued by Jay. Great stuff!
2) Jay’s unwitting, but what special skills does he possess that prepare him for his journey? What’s his profession or background that makes him uniquely suited to take on this mission?
3) The hostess in the restaurant seeing Jay’s image on the flyer and calling the police is great.
4) What’s Lacy’s motivation for leaving? For lying? Is she having an affair? Can you possibly tie her into the investigation? Not to overcomplicate, but might she be involved with an investigator working the case or know someone connected to the case through her legal work/studies? Consider a solid angle to tie her into the case.
5) I don’t fully understand Jay’s relationship with Quinn and the police. You mention he was “fired.” Quinn is actually FBI on a “Missing Girls” task force — good angle.
6) If Madison has been trafficked into sex slavery, what makes her fear the police yet trust Jay? Is she afraid of being returned to her family, where she will face more sexual assault from her stepfather? Some clarification would be helpful. It might be helpful to have a very tight subplot to tie her in and keep an eye on her safety since she’s so young and vulnerable.
Does Jay go to the police with the info he gets from Madison? If he helps her on his own, he needs to be all-consumed with this kid’s safety. What happens to her after this point?
You might check out an old action drama called THE PROFESSIONAL with Jean Reno as a world-weary hitman who takes 12-year old orphaned Natalie Portman to live with him. The relationship is worth studying.
7) Who did the FBI get the intel from? Did Jay tell Quinn, or did they get it from the hack? Who murdered and left Blake’s body in a gully?
8) Jay gets to the boat, but Holly’s not there. Quinn arrives to save Jay and Erin. Quinn saves Jay a couple of times. You might consider making Jay the one who gets himself out and rescues Erin just as Quinn arrives. Jay’s a great protagonist, but anything you can do to make a protagonist more active can be even more compelling.
9) I’m not sure why the smugglers furnish a “Holly look-alike.”
10) I’m not sure who Erin really is. She is first a victim, then wears a wire to entrap Jay when he’s a suspect, then they have an apparent romantic involvement. Is she undercover law enforcement or FBI?
I really love the twist when the Beijing airport police pick Jay up because Erin’s passport is flagged.
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ASSIGNMENT – DAY 15v2
Subject line: Alan’s Thriller Map – Version 2
Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.
Alan’s Thriller Map 2 – A BLIND EYE
For: My friends who have been victims.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT
A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT
The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.
At a back corner table, Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.
At the bar, a tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.
As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.
INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT
Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.
INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT
Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY
Denver Police Detective Swoboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.
EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY
Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to a bigger town.
INT. SOUTH DAKOTA BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.
INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.
Jay sees Rolex Creep slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay.
LATER
Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. Quinn brings Jay in for questioning.
INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.
INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.
INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.
EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.
INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY
‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.
Blake and the Rolex Creep congratulate Finn and tell him to keep using Jay’s name.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.
EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY
Police find Blake dead in a gully.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY
Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.
Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.
INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY
Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.
The FBI discover eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.
Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.
The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies listing her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, that had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.
The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. They’re planning to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.
EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.
INT. FBI VAN – DAY
Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.
EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
A truck brothel thug spies Jay and Erin, and chases them. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.
INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.
Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.
EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY
Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.
EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY
Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.
LATER
Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay and rescuing Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.
INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.
EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY
Traffickers pull a bait and switch as they deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.
INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY
The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.
Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.
LATER
Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.
INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY
Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.
LATER
With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.
THE END
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Subject line: Alan’s Thriller Map – Version 3
Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman risks his life to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring.
1. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT
A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, green eyes, athlete build, silver wedding ring.
2. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT
The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of JAY CROCKETT (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman. A Product Manager for a tech startup, Jay’s very creative, but possesses no special skills.
3. AT BACK TABLE
Jay and HOLLY SAMPSON (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.
4. AT BAR
A tall blond surfer dude, BLAKE (30), chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.
5. AT HOSTESS STAND
As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash.
6. INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT
Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her.
7. INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT
Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old MADISON HANSON.
8. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and LACY (35), have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes.
9. INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY
Denver Police DETECTIVE JOHN SWOBODA (45), and RACHEL QUINN (40), flash gold badges and talk with the hostess about the sketch.
10. EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY
Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes with a trucker who propositions her.
11. INT. BIGGER TOWN BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Wanting to get to a big city as far away as possible, Madison buys the most expensive bus ticket she can afford. Denver – $189. She’s shocked to be almost broke.
12. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, ROLEX GUY (40), buys ERIN RAYNOR (25ish) a green appletini. Erin and Jay both frequent this neighborhood hangout, know each other by sight, but not by name.
Jay sees Rolex Guy slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay struggles with a dilemma. He debates what he actually saw. Maybe it was ecstasy. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. A roofie. Jay decides to step in. He won’t let Rolex Guy carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. Rolex Guy threatens to kill Jay, then leaves.
13. LATER
Detective Swoboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. They bring Jay in for questioning.
14. INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Jay walks out in a lineup. CHINOOK HOSTESS (20s) and WAITRESS (18) positively identify Jay as who they saw leave with Holly. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.
15. INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Here Jay speaks with a slight Irish accent. He stalks the terminal and finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry.” He buys lunch, calls the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She leaves with Jay.
16. INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.
17. EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Guy drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay.
18. INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY
Back in Scene 15, Jay was actually…FINN (35), Jay’s Irish doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.
Rolex Guy congratulates Finn and tells him to keep using Jay’s name.
19. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay learns Holly’s been abducted. He wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.
20. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay’s arrest ruined Lacy’s chance for an internship with the DA’s office. The final straw for her, Lacy moves out without talking to Jay. Home alone, Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.
21. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.
22. EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY
Police find Blake dead in a gully. They investigate. No clues. Another dead end.
23. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.
24. INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY
Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy learned from Holly that Jay’s and Holly’s rich dad would pay for Jay’s grad school if Jay decided to go. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay’s rich dad instead.
Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.
25. INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY
Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired.
26. INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.
27. LATER
The FBI discovers eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.
Jay learns the Rolex Guy, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.
The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. Holly’s eBay-like page lies. It lists her as the porn star, Holly Sampson, who had an affair with Tiger Woods. Both women attract huge bids.
28. LATER
The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers plan to frame Jay and then kill him. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.
29. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears a TRUCKER (55) and follows him to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket.
30. INT. FBI VAN – DAY
Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. The FBI watch through the one-way window as she tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Guy as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Madison and the other girls are sent to a safe house. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.
31. EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
A truck BROTHEL THUG (40s) finds and chases Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.
32. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
FBI agents verify on the dark web that Holly’s being shipped to China.
33. LATER
Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin and Jay agree to sneak off to Mexico without telling the FBI. But Jay lets it leak. Quinn immediately suspects it’s fake. She calls the modeling agent and verifies the job is fake.
34. LATER
Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA. Jay won’t fly. He drives to LA and meets Quinn.
35. EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY
Traffickers pick Erin up for the fake modeling job in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.
36. EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY
Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.
37. LATER
Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives just in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay. They rescue Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.
38. INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Jay begs his and Holly’s rich FATHER (70s) for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.
39. EXT. Dongguan CHINA PARK – DAY
Overcoming his fear of flying, a nervous Jay and his dad’s SECURITY CHIEF (45), fly to China. There, traffickers pull a bait and switch. They deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.
40. INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY
The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel for even more money.
Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI’s access to the dark web. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.
41. LATER
Jay and Chinese SECURITY GUY (30), go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.
42. INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY
Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly. Holly flies home to safety.
43. INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – NIGHT
With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.
THE END
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Day 15 Assignment
Subject Line: Kim J’s Thriller Map for
THE FEDERATION WEST by Kim Jaspers
LOGLINE: A struggling artist pulled into an alternate reality must vanquish the demons she’s created in her graphic novel to free herself and save humanity.
INT. CAROL’S DINING ROOM – DAY
SAGE GREELEY (25) frantically works on her graphic novel, THE FEDERATION WEST. Her mom’s dining room wall is papered with her illustrations. We see meticulously detailed notecards on a bulletin board laying out the story beats. Sage tells her mom CAROL (60) she’s going to save humanity through her graphic novel. Carol’s concerned and asks if she’s taking her medication. Sage says, “yes,” but we see Sage in the bathroom mirror as she raises a pill to her lips. Smash to black, the toilet FLUSHES. Sage establishes herself as an unreliable protagonist.
INT. ALKALOID PUBLISHING OFFICE – DAY
Publisher J.J. (40) and his editor, DIANA (32), review Sage’s manuscript. We don’t see their faces during their exchange, focusing instead on the manuscript.
INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION – DAY
J.J.’s mysterious WIFE (35) looks at the manuscript, her face obscured by a sun hat, as she talks to J.J. on the phone about it. J.J., whose face we don’t see, tells his Wife that the author’s mother has LPS conservatorship over her. J.J. reveals a producer friend wants to buy the movie rights before the book is even published. Unwitting Sage is on the cusp of a 7-figure book and movie deal.
EXT. SANTA CRUZ BEACH BOARDWALK – DAY
A frequent flyer at the Boardwalk, Sage waits in line to ride the Cliff Hanger. A woman with wild hair, a ratty fake fur jacket, and grungy clothing, LINDSEY (35), watches the ride from a nearby lemonade stand. When Sage gets off the ride and walks away, Two SHADOWY MEN (55 and 60) follow her. Lindsey steps out to walk side by side with Sage and tells her she’s being followed. When the men get too close, Lindsey grabs Sage, and they run off the Boardwalk–
EXT. BOARDWALK PARKING LOT – DAY
–And into the parking lot. They hide. When Sage asks who the men are following them, Lindsey deflects by saying, “it’s a lot to unpack.” When Sage asks Lindsey who she is and what she wants, she replies, “I’m Lindsey, and you need my help.”
INT. SANTA CRUZ DONUT SHOP – DAY
Sage and Lindsey hide in the donut shop to elude the Shadowy Men. However, Sage notices them on the sidewalk, and Sage and Lindsey hide underneath their booth to avoid detection.
Increasingly paranoid, Sage hears the VOICES (Juno and Minerva) talking about her (they appear throughout), concerned as Sage slips further into a delusional state.
INT. LINDSEY’S MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
Sage and Lindsey go to Lindsey’s motel. The phone is ringing inside the room when they arrive. Lindsey refuses to answer the phone because it’s “them” calling. Who are they?
Sage tells Lindsey she needs to go home because her mom will worry that she’s missed dinner. So Lindsey drives Sage to Carol’s (Sage’s mom’s) house.
EXT. CAROL GREELEY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
A stranger, ANDREA (40), opens up, talks to Sage through the chain opening. Andrea says she’s a renter, that the rental agent told her that the woman who lived there before died. Sage is alarmed. She knows Carol is not dead. It’s Carol’s house.
Andrea shows Sage the rental agreement and suggests Sage call the police, but Sage can’t find her phone. When Sage asks to come in so she can look around and Andrea says, “I’m not letting some woman who claims this is her mother’s house into my home.”
Lindsey insists Sage go to the police. Sage declines stating the police “know her” from her history of incidents resulting in 5150 holds that they won’t take her concerns seriously, perhaps even initiate another hold on her. Lindsey is alarmed by Sage’s psychiatric history and her missing mother. Sage begs Lindsey’s help to figure out what’s going on. Lindsey agrees to help only if Sage goes to the police.
INT. SANTA CRUZ POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Sage reports Carol’s disappearance and Andrea posing as a renter in Carol’s home. When Sage says the woman indicated Carol might be dead, Desk Sergeant MORALES (60) sends officers to Sage’s home. He thinks Sage might be involved in Carol’s disappearance.
I/E. CAROL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Officers DEBS (45) and LUCERO (35) search Carol’s home and find nothing amiss, except Carol’s purse is still on her dresser. No strange woman. Sage insists that something’s happened to Carol. Lucero and Debs (who also know Sage) wonder if Sage might have something to do with Carol’s disappearance. No one’s sure of anything.
Sage tells Lindsey (who’s waiting in the car) she’s going to go home. Lindsey refuses to let her, saying it’s not safe, insists Sage go with her. Sage reluctantly agrees.
INT. LINDSEY’S MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
While Lindsey is in the shower, Sage fishes around in Lindsey’s ratty purse and finds a designer wallet full of cash and expensive sunglasses inconsistent with Lindsey’s post-grunge vibe. Lindsey’s suitcase is locked.
INT. LINDSEY’S CADILLAC – NEXT MORNING
Sage still can’t get a hold of Carol. Finally, Lindsey convinces Sage that it’s not safe to go home, so Sage accompanies Lindsey to Los Angeles.
I/E. CAROL’S HOUSE – DAY
Carol’s friend, FRAN (62), distressed she can’t get a hold of Carol, finds her in the laundry room in the basement. She woke up in the corner behind a laundry rack full of clothes, so the officers didn’t see her the night before. Carol has no memory of what happened. Someone locked the laundry room door from the outside, and Fran believes Sage is the only one who could have locked Carol down there. Carol refuses to believe that Sage would harm her.
INT. THE FEDERATION WEST CENTER (LOS ANGELES) – DAY
Lindsey brings Sage inside, and Sage sees the Federation West motto: “Interception, not Resurrection” from her graphic novel.
Lindsey hands Sage off to BEVERLY (65), who instructs Sage to sign some papers. Sage, distracted, signs. Lindsey walks out. Distressed at Lindsey’s departure, Sage gets up to follow her out. Security Guard PAUL (40) forcefully maneuvers Sage back into her chair. He and Beverly threaten her with hard restraints. Sage is now a captive at the Fed West Center but doesn’t understand why.
INT. SANTA CRUZ POLICE DEPARTMENT – DAY
Carol reports Sage missing. Morales is confused, as Sage reported Carol missing the night before. Carol plays the phone messages from Sage left from Lindsey’s phone, but the number is blocked. Sage, now incommunicado, doesn’t know Carol has been found. Carol’s calls to Sage’s phone go directly to VM.
INT. SVEN’S FEDERATION WEST OFFICE – DAY
Sage sits in front of her graphic novel villain, SVEN (45). He has a copy of Sage’s manuscript and insists she explain how she knows the story. Sage says, “I wrote it.” Shocked, Sage asks how Sven got the manuscript and if he knows about her mother’s disappearance. Sven demands to know if the manuscript has been circulated. He indicates the novel’s critical battle will ensure The Federation West’s destruction and that Sage must revise it. Sage refuses, believing it will alter the fate of humanity, mirroring the novel’s story. Sven calls his thugs.
INT. FED WEST INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY
Sven’s security THUGS restrain Sage in a chair and tase her for information about who else has seen the graphic novel. She refuses to tell them anything. They take her back to Sven.
INT. SVEN’S FEDERATION WEST OFFICE – DAY
Sven demands she rewrite the battle under threats of more torture. The voices in Sage’s head return telling her she’d better make the changes/better not make the changes. Sage buys time by saying she needs a good editor and she cannot do a rewrite hungry. She goes to the cafeteria.
INT. FEDERATION WEST CAFETERIA – DAY
At her table, the African American man introduces himself as publisher “J.J.” — Sage is very excited, “J.J. Jacobs?” “I’m Sage Greeley” “Oh, yes, Sage. I remember your graphic novel. What are we doing living in it?” Paul brings J.J.’s editor Diana to the cafeteria, and Sage is firmly convinced she’s living in her graphic novel. She now believes The Federation West has also snatched her publisher and editor too.
INT. SAGE’S ROOM AT THE FED WEST CENTER – NIGHT
A guard brings Sage her to her windowless, locked room. She hears a familiar male voice screaming lyrics from his popular anti-drug song. It’s TREY MONTERO (30), a famous pop singer whose battle with schizophrenia has been very public, and he sounds seriously ill. Is he real or a fabrication of Sage’s skewed reality?
In the morning, when her door opens automatically, Sage inspects the lock mechanism closely.
INT. FED WEST CAFETERIA – DAY
Alarmed at Sage’s level of disturbance, Diana asks if Sage takes medication for her “thoughts.” Sage reveals she hasn’t taken medication in weeks, says it dulls her creativity.
INT. FED WEST CLASSROOM – DAY
Sven leads a group at the center. Sage, J.J., and Diana are there when Trey is brought in. He’s emaciated, disheveled, and delusional. Sage insists they’re mistreating him at the Center and is obsessed with helping him.
INT. SAGE’S ROOM – NIGHT
When Sage returns to her room, she slips a bit of folded paper into the door lock mechanism to prevent it from locking securely.
Sage hears Trey again screaming that he wants to die, needs his meds. The noise stops suddenly. Sage slips out of her room to investigate and finds he’s hung himself in his bathroom. She gets him down, revives him, tells him she’s going for help.
INT. DORMITORY CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Sage sneaks out and sees Sven and Lindsey dragging something heavy that looks like a body rolled up in a sheet. Sage believes it’s Trey. Sven and Lindsey shove the body into the incinerator. When she sees Sven and Lindsey kiss passionately, Sage learns her mentor and villain are romantically involved. She’s starting to put the puzzle together, but whether it’s objective reality or Sage’s delusion is still unclear.
INT. FEDERATION WEST CLINIC – NIGHT
Diana sneaks into the clinic and reads Sage’s and Trey’s chart notes. We learn that Lindsey is actually the treating psychiatrist and that she’s filing for LPS conservatorship of Sage and Trey to get at their money — his current and her future. She found out about Sage’s potential 7-figure deal from her conversation with husband J.J. at the story’s beginning. She plans to use her patients’ money to take off with Sven.
Sven is actually an orderly Lindsey fell in love with and moved up the ranks to an administrator.
Diana is actually a therapist who is part of the game to make Sage believe she’s living in her graphic novel as a psychiatric “treatment” (Lindsey claims she can cure psychotic disorders without medication – Sage and Trey are her “subjects” – but she’s really after their money). J.J.Fed West Diana and Fed West J.J. are role-playing.
After an ethical crisis, Diana steals some medication for Sage to try to help her get well enough to escape.
INT. CAFETERIA – DAY
Diana slips Sage some pills, and Sage confronts Diana. She sees Trey there, so she wonders who Sven and Lindsey put in the incinerator. Are there more “subjects”?
INT. SVEN’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Sage breaks into Sven’s office and finds: 1) her dead phone (she charges it immediately), 2) paperwork related to her and Trey, 3) a letter opener with a metal blade, and 4) a .38 revolver. She pockets the gun, puts the letter opener in her sock.
She turns on the location services knowing that her mother can track her on the “find my phone” locator. Poised to dial Carol’s number, Sage hears footsteps outside the door. She hides underneath Sven’s desk and turns off the phone just as Sven enters. When he slides his feet underneath his desk, he finds Sage. He drags her out, and she loses the gun. He tries to kill her, but she kills him first with the letter opener.
INT. DIANA’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
Diana is at home and hears a glass break. She follows her cat’s red wine pawprints into her kitchen, where Lindsey is waiting with a gun. Lindsey kills Diana.
INT. CAROL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Carol’s phone dings, waking her up. The locator says Sage’s cell phone has been located in Los Angeles, some 300 miles away.
EXT. FED WEST GROUNDS – NIGHT
When Sage leaves Sven’s office, Lindsey sees her and runs after her. Sage breaks a 2nd-floor window and climbs out of the building to the lawn. Lindsey takes the stairs, catches Sage as she’s climbing over the perimeter fence. Lindsey knocks Sage out cold.
INT. SANTA CRUZ POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Carol shows Morales the location of the phone. He calls the LAPD.
I/E. LAPD SWAT COMMAND CENTER – DAY
SWAT suits up for a raid on the Fed West Center.
EXT. FED WEST FRONT ENTRANCE – DAY
The real J.J. shows up at the Center to confront his wife, Lindsey. We learn the J.J. at the Center is an imposter and part of Lindsey’s ruse.
INT. SAGE’S ROOM – DAY
Sage awakens in her room, restrained to the bed. Lindsey is going to draw blood to prove her medication non-compliance — FAKE J.J. assists. They remove one arm restraint, and Sage fights them both off and frees herself from the restraints. She’s pure adrenalin. She grabs the hypodermic needle Lindsey had and keeps J.J. and Lindsey at bay as she escapes, locking Lindsey and J.J. in the room.
INT. FED WEST SECURITY ROOM/FRONT ENTRANCE – DAY
Beverly watches multiple monitors and sees the REAL J.J. in front, looking for his wife, Lindsey, to confront her. The SWAT team arrives. Beverly learns something is going on and announces a “CODE BLACK” over the intercom. Lindsey instructs Beverly to get her and J.J. out of the locked room. Beverly informs Lindsey of the impending raid, says “it’s go time.” When Beverly goes into the stairwell to free Lindsey and J.J., Sage plunges a hypodermic in Beverly’s neck, knocking her out.
INT. FED WEST CENTER DORMITORY FLOOR – DAY
There’s a SWAT raid—lots of action. Paul is on the floor with a gun, shoots an officer in the vest. SWAT kills Paul. Lindsey and FAKE J.J. are arrested. Sage is found safe.
INT. CAROL’S HOUSE – DAY
Sage is now home with Carol. A copy of her published graphic novel arrives. She and Carol toast Sage’s success. Sage tells Carol she’s learned her lesson and she will be faithful with her medication. She tells Carol she has a sequel to the graphic novel in mind. Carol is speechless.
INT. SAGE’S ROOM – NIGHT
That evening in bed, Sage tries to draw but can’t. She’s flat, listless, uninspired.
INT. SAGE’S BATHROOM – NIGHT
Sage looks at herself in the bathroom mirror, holding a pill up to her mouth. Carol yells to Sage that Trey is on the phone to congratulate her. Smash to black as the toilet FLUSHES. Sage’s V.O. “Hello?” as she answers the phone over black.
We suspect she’s ready for another adventure.
Thanks for reading!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Kim Jaspers.
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Hi, Kim,
You’ve done a great job on your Thriller Map. I had a really hard time coming up with anything to comment on. I read it several times. The first time through, I felt a bit confused here and there, but I think that’s what the reader/viewer is supposed to feel as that’s what Sage is feeling, too. So excellent work!
All I’ve got are minor points:
1. As far as the Voices – who are Juno & Minerva and why are they important?
2. I had to Google 5150 holds – maybe just add a couple words on what it is – a Welfare involuntary detainment.
3. I think you should emphasize your first turning point more – adding in something like this: Thinking that men are hunting for her, her mother is dead and she has no place to go, Sage agrees to accompany Lindsey to Los Angeles.
4. Question: How, when and where does Lindsey learn about Diana’s betrayal? It seemed completely out of the blue for Lindsey to show up and kill Diana at her home.
5. Timing question – how does Lindsey get from Diana’s house to Fed West in time to catch Sage. Maybe put the Diana’s kitchen scene first?)
6. When is Trey is found and freed? Knowing that will help tie the story together.
That’s it. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help. And thanks so much for your critique of my Thriller Map. Best of luck! – alan
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Hi Kim;
I think your map is filled with interesting twists and turns, and intrigue as well. I have one suggestion that could work to add to the suspense and intrigue. Why not keep the fact that Sage has written and worked on her graphic novel hidden until near the end? Have the SWAT team discover her notes and board of story beats near the end of your map. Have other references to her book deal revealed later on as well.
It’s just a suggestion, but you might have fun playing with this reversal of timing of how you let the audience in on the reveal.
Good luck with your development of your ideas! I was pulled into the story the entire read.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by
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Sandra’s Thriller Map – Version 1
TITLE: Keeper of the Night
GENRE: Thriller
CONCEPT: A billionaire’s life falls apart after he purchases a rare manuscript and suspects he has fallen victim to a curse.
Act 1
INT. MUSEUM – NIGHT
Two security guards peer into a mirrored locked room. They see a large podium with a historical manuscript standing alone in the middle of the room. A single bright light illuminates the text, all in hand-written French.
There is a loud SHATTERING of glass and the ALARM goes off. The two guards rush back to the manuscript room.
INT. MUSEUM – NEXT MORNING
The police arrive to take notes on the incident.
One guard suggests there might be paranormal activity that caused it. The police laugh and give each other a look of, this guy is crazy.
INT. MUSEUM – DAY
Max and Celine attend a private small showing of the Gaspard.
The curator announces that the manuscript will be going on the auction block in a couple of weeks. Max is ecstatic.
INT. AUCTION HOUSE – DAY
Max is texting furiously. Celine is annoyed and wants to go home. She can’t understand what all the fuss is about.
Bids come in both on the floor and on phone. Max looks increasingly nervous. His brow is sweating and he is wringing his fingers. Celine becomes suspicious of his nervous actions.
INT. FOYER – DAY
A large package arrives by courier at the front door. Max accepts it and takes it up to the library. He tells Celine it’s a surprise and will show her later.
INT. MAX”s BEDROOM – LATER THAT EVENING
Max wakens to a dark shadow figure of a man standing over his bed. The figure disappears as soon as he tries to grasp at it.
INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT NIGHT
Max is sullen. He plays a few notes on the piano, stops to smoke a cigar. He gazes at the empty stand where the manuscript was.
He goes to the library to play the digital grand piano for a few minutes. He turns it off, then goes back to his bedroom to sleep. He hears the piano playing by itself. It stops. He smokes a cigar to try to calm his nerves.
EXT. PARK – DAY
Lilith is going on her daily jog in the park. She sees “Mom” calling on her cell phone and answers the call. She says she knows exactly what they can do to break the curse and that she will take care of it.
She goes to a private place where no one can hear her. She makes a call, continues jogging.
There is a KNOCK on the door. Max opens the door to see a man dressed in traditional Shaman feathered garb. He is holding a small drum, some other colored wooden instruments.
The Shaman jumps back as if trying to avoid something hitting him. He runs to the large gate at the front of the property, catching his breath. He gathers his items from the step, leaves the property quickly.
INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT EVENING.
Max carefully places the feathers around the manuscript podium. He lights a candle. Celine enters the library and blows out the candle, saying this is quackery and might cause a fire in the house.
Max and Celine argue.
INT. BEDROOM – LATER THAT EVENING
Max is tossing and turning in his sleep. He awakens to see the image of someone standing over him with a knife in his hand. He SHRIEKS. The figure disappears.
INT. STAIRCASE – NEXT DAY
The Shaman arrives at the front door. Max arrives, unshaven and disheveled. He eagerly beckons the Shaman to come in. Nothing happens to help quell the curse.
INT. BEDROOM – EVENING
Max is in bed reading. There is a gentle KNOCK on the door. Celine enters. She looks sullen and pale. She says she has even more bad news – she has terminal cancer and has only weeks to live.
INT. -HOSPTIAL – DAY
A nurse comes to get Max. She tells him to hurry. He gets to her room only to find she has already passed. He breaks down crying and is distraught.
INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY
Max is grieving. Victor walks up to him to give his condolences. He says he head about the curse of the manuscript and offers to help break the curse. Max is doubtful.
INT. LIBRARY – NEXT DAY
Victor arrives to pick up the manuscript. Max hands him a carefully packaged box. Once outside, Victor gets into his car with Lilith. The two embrace and kiss.
INT. – FOYER – SEVERAL DAYS LATER
Victor KNOCKS on the door. He is holding the package containing the manuscript.
Max opens the door and asks him to come in. Victor says he should sit down. Max asks him what he found out.
INT. LIBRARY – DAY
Max is in his library listening to music. Lilith comes into the library, turns the music on low volume, and says he must listen to the latest newscast.
She plays him a newscast from her phone. The seller of the manuscript is admitting he sold the auction house a fake. It’s the worst scandal to occur at the auction house in its history.
Max phones the auction house in a fit of rage. They won’t take his call.
INT. LIBRARY – MINUTES LATER
Maxim hears the music playing, takes a hammer from a drawer, SMASHES the glass covering the manuscript.
EXT. PARK – EVENING
Maxim goes for a walk alone in Central Park. There are only a handful of people in the distance.
He sits on a bench, aims a gun to his head.
Lilith, jogging, sees him, runs as fast as she can toward him. She pulls his arm away from his head. A SHOT is fired as the gun falls to the ground.
MONTAGE
INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Lilith helps Victor dress as a Shaman. They dance around in comedic and irreverent manner.
INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Victor programs a disc from his computer to play the music from a program at various times of the day or night.
INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – DAY
Victor encodes the manuscript with a nearly invisible image.
EXT. PARK – EVENING -PRESENT
Max’s face is red with anger. He is in a rage. Lilith looks sheepish. Max asks her why she would do this to him. What did he ever do to her?
She explains that it isn’t what he did, it’s what he didn’t do. Now he looks sheepish and asks for forgiveness.
Maxim asks her now the fire started at the head of the stairway. Lilith confesses she didn’t have anything to do with it and has no explanation.
EXT. GRAVE-YARD – EVENING
Maxim is visiting Celine’s grave. He is upset and forlorn.
A priest arrives, reminds him of what he still has left and suggests he build on his relationship with his daughter.
EXT. BRIDGE – EVENING
Max and Lilith are driving home. They are both killed in a fatal accident.
INT. FOLLOWING WEEK – FUNERAL HOME
There are two closed caskets, one with a picture of Max, the other with a picture of Lilith. Victor is in the front row sobbing uncontrollably.
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Hi Sandra,
This looks really intriguing. Please message me if you’d like to exchange critiques. KimJ
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Hi Kim – Yes! I would love to exchange feedback.
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Hey, Sandra,
After you and Kim have exchanged feedback and you’ve created your Thriller Map version 2, would you like to exchange feedback on our version 2s?
Thanks – alan
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Hi Alan – sure, that would be great!
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Hi Alan;
I haven’t had feedback from Kim so maybe you can kindly give me some feedback instead on this first draft?
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Hi, Sandra,
Sure. Here are my comments on your Thriller Map v.1:
I think you’ve got quite a story here, and definitely a tragic ending, so if that’s what you’re going for – great job. There are a lot of strong points to your story. I’ve mostly only come up with minor items listed below.
For me, the biggest thing that could help your Thriller Map is to flesh out more information for the reader about the CURSE.
For example: INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT NIGHT: If the manuscript has vanished, why hasn’t the curse gone with it?
INT. PARK – DAY – How does Lilith know about the curse? The reader doesn’t know yet. A guard suggested paranormal activity, but how do Max & Celine know this?
It would be great for the reader to get some background early on about the curse. Why do they think the book’s cursed? What is the history of the curse? Have other people died? Who put the curse on the book? I assumed the apparitions are tied to the book/curse, but it might be helpful to know they are. This info doesn’t have to come all at once. Actually, it would be better if it came a little at a time, building the terror/suspense.
And then, if the Seller sold the Auction House a fake manuscript, and Max bought a fake, why is the fake cursed? That part, I didn’t understand.
Other than that, all I came up with are minor points.
Minor points:
– Maybe give the reader just a few more hints about MAX, CELINE, LILITH & VICTOR when they first appear. Maybe ages and full names. Maybe a little something that we could see on the screen, but has to be in writing for your Thriller Map.
– For more clarity in the very first scene, in between the two paragraphs, you could add a scene heading like: LATER
– I didn’t know what Gaspard is, maybe flesh it out a little for readers like me.
– INT. AUCTION HOUSE – DAY (Your sentences will read faster if they’re Active instead of Passive.) i.e.: Max texts furiously. Annoyed, Celine wants to go home. His brow sweats. He wrings his fingers.
– In the scene heading HOSPITAL is spelled wrong.
– In the HOSPITAL scene: He gets to her room – would be better ‘He gets to Celine’s room.’
– INT. LIBRARY – MINUTES LATER: The main character’s name changes from MAX to MAXIM. Unless there’s an intentional reason for doing this, it would be easier to follow if you kept it consistent throughout.
– INT. FUNERAL HOME – DAY: in the second sentence, I think ‘head’ should be ‘heard.’
– INT. FOYER – DAY & INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – EVENING: Is there a reason the text is red?
That’s all I have. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help.
Good Luck!
– alan
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Hi Alan – thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it. I am in the midst of a move so will try to get my feedback to you by the end of the week. Sorry for the delay.
Sandra
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Hi, Sandra,
Great. I’ve numbered the scenes to make it easier to comment on.
Good luck with your move.
Thanks, – alan
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by Alan Larson.
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Hi Alan;
I think you have a very intriguing story – is very believable yet you add twists that make us wonder what will happen next. I highlighted the points that work well. (Mystery, intrigue, suspense, twists). My only main suggestion is to write other possible endings to show us what happens internally and externally to Holly after she is saved. The audience will have built up a lot of empathy for her by this time and will want to know more about the way she is coping with the memories of the intensely disturbing events in her life. Can she recover, or is she scarred for life?
Great job! Good luck with your script!
Logline: A wisecracking Denver Everyman repeatedly risks his life attempting to save his sister from the sordid world of date rape drugs, missing girls and a sophisticated global sex trafficking ring. Intriguing concept
Alan’s Thriller Map – A BLIND EYE
For: My friends who have been victims.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO OFFICE – NIGHT
A printer whirrs out a WANTED poster sketch of a ‘Person of Interest’ in several Missing Girl cases: About 5’10”, brown hair, athlete build, silver wedding ring.
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – NIGHT
The Manager drops the sketch on the hostess stand. The sketch morphs into the matching face of Jay Crockett, (35), a wise-cracking Denver Everyman.
At a back corner table, Jay and Holly Sampson (22) eat dinner. They appear to be having an affair. They get up to leave together, but Jay veers to the restroom.
At the bar, a tall blond surfer dude, Blake, chats up Holly and asks if she wants to smoke the ‘World’s Best Weed’ with him. She agrees. Blake gives Jay a double-take.
As Jay and Holly leave the bistro, the hostess pulls out the police sketch of Jay and phones the police. Walk in. No name. Paid with cash. Intrigue
INT. WHITE SPRINTER VAN – NIGHT
Holly smokes weed with Blake. Blake roofies her. She passes out. He ties her up and drives away, abducting her. Suspense
INT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – NIGHT
Her stepfather molests sassy thirteen-year-old Madison Hansen.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks into an empty house. Jay and Lacy have been married for three years, but she’s never home. She claims to be pulling all-nighters for her law school classes. Mystery
INT. CHINOOK BISTRO – DAY
Denver Police Detective Swaboda and Quinn talk with the hostess about the sketch.
EXT. SMALL TOWN SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE – DAY
Madison runs away from home. She hitchhikes to Sioux Falls. Suspense
INT. SIOUX FALLS BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Madison buys a bus ticket to Denver. $149. She’s shocked to be almost broke. She probably isn’t shocked but knows this already. The audience will have empathy for her.
INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
At the bar, a big well-dressed guy, the Rolex Creep, buys Erin Raynor (25ish) a green appletini. Jay sees him slip white powder into Erin’s drink. Jay debates whether to help or not. Drugged, Erin falls off her bar stool. But, Jay won’t let the Rolex Creep carry Erin out. The bartender calls the police. The Rolex Creep threatens to kill Jay. Twist
LATER
Detective Swaboda and Quinn flash their gold shields and question Jay. Quinn shows Jay the police sketch of him. He can’t explain it. Quinn brings Jay in for questioning.
INT. POLICE LINEUP ROOM – NIGHT
Jay walks out in a lineup. The Chinook Hostess and Waitress identify Jay. Detective Swaboda, Quinn, and other officers confer. Not enough evidence. They release Jay.
INT. DENVER BUS TERMINAL – DAY
Jay stalks the terminal. He finds Madison there all alone. “Waiting for someone?” “No.” “I’m Jay. You look hungry. Let me buy you lunch.” After lunch, Jay phones the Mrs. for permission, then offers Madison a place to stay. She accepts and leaves with Jay.
INT. HIDEOUT HOUSE – DAY
‘Bus Terminal Jay’ turns out to be Finn, Jay’s doppelganger, a sex trafficker. Finn takes Madison to their hideout, ties her to a bed and cuts her clothes off.
Blake and the Rolex Creep congratulate Finn and tell him to keep using Jay’s name.
INT. HIGHLAND TAVERN – NIGHT
Erin thanks Jay and asks him to walk her home. The bartender tells Erin that Jay, “saved your butt last night.” She seems in disbelief.
EXT. ERIN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Jay walks Erin home, sees the Rolex Creep drive by, and shoves her into her house to protect her. But, Erin was wearing a police wire to entrap Jay. Quinn arrests Jay Suspense, twist
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay learns Holly’s been abducted and wants to help rescue her. Quinn learns Jay is Holly’s older half-brother, not her abductor. Quinn releases Jay. Jay & Erin review mugshots to catch the traffickers. Jay IDs Blake’s mugshot.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Lacy moved out without talking to Jay. Jay’s dumbfounded and miserable.
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
Police arrest Blake. They’re sure they can learn Holly’s whereabouts from Blake. But Blake gets released on bail.
EXT. CHEESMAN PARK – DAY
Police find Blake dead in a gully. Intrigue
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – NIGHT
Jay and Erin bond as they review more mugshots.
INT. JAY’S HOUSE – DAY
Lacy wants to move back in, but Jay confronts her. Lacy forged Jay’s signature to get her law school paid for by Jay and Holly’s rich dad. Lacy swears she isn’t cheating on Jay with another man. Jay doesn’t believe her. Lacy storms out. They’re done.
INT. JAY’S BOSS’S OFFICE – DAY
Because of the police sketch, Jay needs Detective Quinn to vouch for him. His boss calls the police. There is no Detective Quinn on the Denver PD. Jay gets fired. Twist
INT. DENVER POLICE STATION – DAY
An angry Jay confronts Quinn. But, Quinn isn’t a police officer. She’s a Special Agent for the FBI leading a joint ‘Missing Girls’ task force with the Denver Police Department.
The FBI have eBay-like pages for Holly and Erin. The eBay pages sit on the dark web run by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang. Holly’s one of several girls abducted by the gang. They auction abducted girls to the highest bidder.
Jay learns the Rolex Creep, Blake and Finn belong to the gang.
The FBI hack the traffickers’ messages. The traffickers desperately want Erin because she’s an attractive ‘Spinner’ that speaks fluent Mandarin. The traffickers sell several girls to a Truck Brothel in Iowa. Two of the sold girls fit the descriptions of Holly and Madison. Quinn is sure they can rescue Holly in Iowa.
EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
Erin and Jay go with Quinn to help ID traffickers. Jay overhears truckers and follows them to a semi. The FBI follows Jay and rescues the girls. But, Holly wasn’t among the rescued girls. She’s still missing. Dark web auction bids for Holly and Erin skyrocket. Suspense
INT. FBI VAN – DAY
Madison won’t talk to the police for fear of them. But she will talk to Jay. She tells Jay that Holly and all the other eBay girls have been shipped west. Madison identifies the Rolex Creep as the Big O – Orlando Skoda. Jay and Erin leave to eat lunch.
EXT. WORLD’S LARGEST TRUCKSTOP – DAY
A truck brothel thug chases after Jay and Erin. The thug captures Jay and will kill him. But, Agent Quinn arrives just in time to shoot the thug and save Jay.
INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
FBI agents verify Holly’s being shipped to China.
Via Facebook, Erin gets offered and accepts a modeling job in Mexico. Erin agrees to sneak off to Mexico with Jay without telling the FBI. But the FBI hack a message. The modeling job is fake. Erin agrees to be wired and tracked by the FBI in LA as bait to catch the traffickers, blindsiding Jay. But, Erin insists Jay must go with Quinn to LA.
EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT – DAY
Traffickers pick Erin up in a limo. They lock her in the back, which is shielded to prevent her from calling for help or being tracked. They drive into the limo garage eluding the FBI cars, then smuggle Erin to a boat bound for China.
EXT. LOS ANGELES MARINA – DAY
Traffickers order Erin leave the limo without any possessions wearing only a bikini. But, Erin hides her phone in her bikini bottom, which the FBI quickly tracks to the Marina.
LATER
Jay charges to the boat, but is caught by Finn and Orlando. Agent Quinn arrives in time to kill the two traffickers, saving Jay and rescuing Erin and the other abducted women. But Holly isn’t there.
INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
The FBI learns Holly’s already been smuggled to China. Using his and Holly’s rich father’s money, Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers.
EXT. Dongguan PARK – DAY
Traffickers bait and switch delivery of Holly with some other lookalike abducted girl.
INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY
The traffickers sell and smuggle Holly into the brothel.
Jay learns Holly’s location from the FBI. He goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.
LATER
Jay and a Security Guy from Holly’s dad’s company go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and the Security Guy walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as the Security Guy. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape. Suspense
INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY
Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.
LATER
With the FBI’s help, the Chinese release Jay. He flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.
I suggest writing other possible endings – what happens to Holly? How does she cope with what happened to her?
THE END
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This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by
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Here is my revised Thriller Map with a different ending.
TITLE: Keeper of the Night
GENRE: Thriller
CONCEPT: A billionaire’s life falls apart after he purchases a rare manuscript and suspects he has fallen victim to a curse.
INT. AUCTION HOUSE – DAY
A large screen shows a live view of the French manuscript in the museum. The auction host describes the novelty of the script. It is the only one like it in the world.
Max is texting furiously. Celine is annoyed and wants to go home. She can’t understand what all the fuss is about.
Bids come in both on the floor and on phone. Max looks increasingly nervous. His brow is sweating and he is wringing his fingers. Celine becomes suspicious of his nervous actions.
The host announces a winning bid for 500 million came in from an anonymous bidder. Celine is relieved and eager to get out of the auction house.
INT. LIBRARY – LATER THAT EVENING
Maxim can’t sleep. His pet bird is fluttering with agitation in its cage.
He goes to the library to play the digital grand piano for a few minutes. He turns it off, then goes back to his bedroom to sleep. He hears the piano playing by itself. It stops. He smokes a cigar to try to calm his nerves.
THUNDER and LIGHTENING bring a large rain storm. Maxime finally gets to sleep
INT. VICTOR’S APARTMENT – EVENING
Lilith helps Victor dress as a Shaman. They dance around in comedic and irreverent manner.
INT. FOYER – DAY
There is a KNOCK on the door. Max opens the door to see a man dressed in traditional Shaman feathered garb. He is holding a small drum, some other colored wooden instruments.
Max asks him what he will do. The Shaman remains silent. He holds his finger to his mouth to indicate he needs silence.
The Shaman jumps back as if trying to avoid something hitting him. He runs to the large gate at the front of the property, catching his breath. He gathers his items from the step, leaves the property quickly.
INT. -HOSPTIAL – DAY
Max is pacing up and down the hospital hallway. He exits outside to smoke. His cell phone rings. Its’ Lilith. He tells her to come see her mom, that she is dying. Lilith says she has to work and can’t get off her shift.
A nurse comes to get Max. She tells him to hurry. He gets to her room only to find she has already passed. He breaks down crying and is distraught.
He phones Lilith to tell her the bad news. Lilith is emotionless. She is either numb or doesn’t care enough to react. She says she will move in with Max to help him deal with everything. He agrees.
EXT. PARK – EVENING
Maxim goes for a walk alone in Central Park. There are only a handful of people in the distance.
He sits on a bench, aims a gun to his head.
Lilith, jogging, sees him, runs as fast as she can toward him. She pulls his arm away from his head. A SHOT is fired as the gun falls to the ground.
He tries to pick it up. She kicks it out of his reach. He cries out to let him do it. A passerby picks up the gun and hurls it into the nearby lake.
Max puts his head in his hands in defeat. Lilith sits beside him, puts her arm around his shoulder. He claims that his life is over.
She says no, please don’t feel that way and that it’s all her fault. She says she has a confession to make. She and Victor were behind all the strange happenings at the house.
EXT. PARK – EVENING -PRESENT
Max’s face is red with anger. He is in a rage. Lilith looks sheepish. Max asks her why she would do this to him. What did he ever do to her?
She explains that it isn’t what he did, it’s what he didn’t do. Now he looks sheepish and asks for forgiveness.
Maxim asks her now the fire started at the head of the stairway. Lilith confesses she didn’t have anything to do with it and has no explanation.
He realizes that the devil may have caused the fire. He is now perplexed.
EXT. GRAVEYARD – EVENING
Max visits Celine’s graveside. A priest approaches and tries to console him.
Lilith comes to the graveside. She and Max share in their grief.
As they drive home, they both are killed in a fatal accident.
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