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Day 15 Assignments
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6 Replies
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ASSIGNMENT – DAY 15
Subject: Alan’s Amazing 3rd Act
What I learned doing this assignment is…this step made significant improvement to what I thought was already a pretty decent third Act.
Act 1 – Setup Summary
Jay Crockett’s sister Holly sneaks off to smoke the world’s best weed where she gets drugged and abducted. She’s one of several girls that’ve been abducted by a sophisticated sex trafficking gang that auctions girls on the dark web.
Act 2 – Setup Summary
The FBI runs a sting at a semi-trailer brothel, believing they will rescue Holly. But, Holly isn’t among the girls rescued from the brothel. Dark web auction bids for Holly skyrocket. The FBI tracks down several other girls at an LA Marina, but Holly’s not with them. She’s already been shipped to China for auction.
Act 3 – Current Structural Beats of my 3rd Act
(E6) INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY
Jay begs his and Holly’s rich FATHER (70s) for money. Their father agrees. Jay wins the bid to buy Holly back from the traffickers. But their father insists Jay fly to China to verify it’s Holly.
(E8) EXT. Dongguan CHINA PARK – DAY
Jay and his dad’s security chief, DAN (45), fly to China. They win the bid for Holly! But, traffickers pull a bait and switch. They deliver some other lookalike abducted girl to Jay instead of Holly.
(E4) INT. BEIJING BROTHEL – DAY
After learning from the FBI’s access to the dark web that Holly’s been sold to a Beijing Brother, Jay goes to the brothel as a John and verifies it’s Holly at the brothel.
(E9) LATER
Jay and Chinese helper, PING (30), go to the brothel. They pay to be with Holly and are escorted to her room. Afterwards, Jay and Ping walk out of the brothel. Except it’s Holly disguised as Ping. In her room, the Ping dressed up as Holly. There, he overpowers a guard and escapes. The Chinese discover the deception and chase after them. Jay and Holly barely escape.
(E6) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – DAY
Holly hopes to fly home with Jay. But, an alarm goes off when they scan Holly’s passport. Chinese police arrest Jay for trafficking Holly.
(E5) INT. AIRPLANE – NIGHT
Holly and Dan fly home to safety. Holly swears off ever using drugs again. They phone Holly’s dad. He tells them getting Jay back home doesn’t look good. Holly cries.
(E4) INT. BEIJING AIRPORT – NIGHT
With Quinn’s help, the Chinese release a now-scruffy Jay. Quinn phones Jay’s dad who offers Jay a job. Nervous again, Jay flies to vacation in Hawaii with Erin.
IMPROVEMENTS
1. Deleted Jay going to the brothel to verify it’s Holly.
2. Added, Dan, Jay, Ping and two young Chinese women drive to the brothel where they plan to rescue Holly with the help of a brothel Madame and Security Guard. But the two brothel employees back out. They have to abort the plan.
3. Dan knows if they don’t rescue Holly today, they’ll never get another chance. They have to come up with a new plan on the spot. Jay has an idea, but they need $40,000. They only have $30,000.
4. Added more suspense to Holly & Jay escaping the brothel.
5. Added more pain and suffering to Holly’s final scenes.
6. Improved Agent Quinn’s dialogue.
7. Added more danger to Jay and Dan in China. “They have overwatch, too. We’ve been made.” “Now that they know we’re here, we have to be more careful.”
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Hi Alan,
Great job, good detail. Referring to the previous assignment, I’d love to see more difficulty, even DANGER, for Jay in the ending. How does Quinn win his release? Can he struggle more to get that job? Can there be a surprise once he reaches Hawaii?
These are just thoughts/ideas that occurred to me as I read over all of your last 3 assignments.
I’ll know more once I read your complete 3rd Act, which I’m looking forward to.
Erica
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Subject: Erica’s Amazing 3rd Act
What I learned doing this assignment is…I thought long and hard about this ending and experimented endlessly with it, both in the screenplay and in the novel. It’s very tough for me to change anything about it, but as I scrutinized it further, I realized I could make it even more dramatic. Bottom line, there’s always room for improvement, even when I think it’s already as good as it gets.
Setup, MURDER IN THE PIT
Act 1 setup: Brilliant young violin prodigy Julia receives gifts in honor of her debut performance at the Metropolitan Opera from her beloved mentor Abel, a famous conductor: a song he has written for her and a jeweled violin pin. Then Abel is assassinated on the podium, and Julia is paralyzed with grief. But when Sidney, her “big brother” figure in the orchestra, is arrested for Abel’s murder, Julia is pushed into action. Having distrusted cops since a traumatic childhood event, Julia belittles the abilities of Larry, the NYPD on the case. She vows to investigate on her own, find the real killer, and exonerate Sidney.
Act 2 setup: Julia’s roommate Katie is worried when Julia reveals her plan to investigate the murder. Julia remains determined in her quest and looks for clues in Abel’s song. She’s puzzled as to why the second page is missing and wrong notes seem to be written into it. Convinced that Sidney was framed, Julia seeks help in searching for clues from Sidney’s friends Matt, the head stagehand. She becomes romantically involved with Charles, a charismatic tenor, who persuades Julia to let him borrow page one of the song to figure out the wrong notes. Julia also refuses to believe Larry’s contention that Sidney is guilty. But as Julia probes further, finds threatening notes on her music, and barely misses being crushed by falling scenery, she suspects she likely is in the sights of the killer. When she finds Matt’s bludgeoned body in the pit, Julia realizes she may be next.
Current Structural Beats of 3rd Act:
1. INT. CHARLES’S LIVING ROOM
To help Julia recoup from her trauma at finding Matt’s body, Charles offers to bring Julia to his apartment. He reluctantly tells her that Sidney has been arrested again, this time for Matt’s murder. Convinced of his sincere concern for her continuing trauma, Julia finds solace in his arms.
2. INT. OPERA HOUSE/PIT – DAY
Larry urges Julia to retrieve page one of Abel’s song from Charles. He becomes extra concerned when Julia tells him about the note that she supposedly received from him that he never sent. When she’s unable to find the note where she had left it in her locker, Larry cautions Julia that someone may be watching her. She suggests the two of them work together to find the killer, but Larry cautions her to stay out of it.
3. INT. ONSTAGE
Charles yanks Julia out of the way of a piece of falling scenery just as it’s about to crush her. He assures her it was an accident, that things can happen when new sets are under construction. She reluctantly believes him but is badly shaken.
4. EXT. BAR ENTRANCE/65TH STREET
Needing a distraction, Julia convinces Katie to go out for a drink. At the bar, Julia reveals her suspicion that Met general manager Patricia, who might have wanted Abel out of the way of her total control of the opera house, might be the murderer. Afterward, outside the bar, Julia and Katie are attacked by a masked assailant, who flees when he sees someone approaching from the other end of the street. Larry rushes to the scene, tells Julia it’s not safe to go to her home, and suggests she hide out in his apartment, where he will assign a police guard at the door to protect her.
5. INT. LARRY’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Julia is relieved when Charles finally brings her page one of Abel’s song. But when they sing it together, she is in disbelief that he doesn’t find anything about it that sounds incongruous or jarring and in fact seems totally annoyed and irritated with her. He grudgingly suggests that if she is still convinced something is wrong with the notes, she is on her own and should take the music to the Met and practice it there. Julia is taken aback by Charles’s sudden change in attitude.
6. INT. PRACTICE ROOM – EVENING
As Julia tries to figure out the bizarre note in the song, the jeweled violin pin slips off her blouse and falls to the floor, shattering into small pieces. She finds among the shards a tiny plastic square. Larry identifies it as a flash card from a digital camera and sends Buddy with it to H.Q. for analysis.
7. INT. 20TH PRECINCT/LARRY’S OFFICE
Buddy shows Larry the flash card readout about a suspicious drowning decades before at a music camp, witnessed by a young camper named Carl Trudeau, brother of older camper Abel Trudeau. Suspected of possible foul play but still a juvenile, Carl was then sent out of the country for several years and has since returned.. Realizing Carl and Charles are the same person, and that Julia may be in danger, Larry rushes off to the Met.
8. EXT. OPERA HOUSE ROOF
Julia is astonished to find Charles’s name spelled out in Abel’s song. Just as she’s about to reveal her discovery to Larry, Frank abducts Julia to the roof. He reveals that he and his “partner” have perpetrated the murders and intend to eliminate her because of her snooping around. Julia is stunned to discover that Frank’s partner—is Charles.
9. EXT. ROOF [Ending/Climax]
Charles shoots and kills Frank and drags Julia toward the roof’s edge. He admits he conspired with Frank to kill Abel out of jealousy of Abel’s success and the time and must eliminate Julia’s threat of exposing him. Recognizing a moment of his weakness and catching him off guard, Julia thrusts her body at him with all her strength. He plunges to the pavement below.
10. INT. PIT – EVENING [Resolution]
Larry watches from the audience as Julia, Sidney and Katie celebrate Julia’s success in uncovering Abel and Matt’s murderer and clearing Sidney’s name.
Improvement:
1. MEANINGLESS: To heighten the drama and deliver stronger meaning to Julia’s being abducted to the roof and the attempts by Frank and then Charles to push her over the side, [#9. EXT. ROOF] I actually went back to Act 1 and set up Julia’s fear of heights. Not only is she distraught at being betrayed by the man she thought loved her, but also is freaked out by his trying to bring her literally to the edge.
2. ON-THE-NOSE: This being a mystery/whodunit, an important element is to reveal who the murderer is and what his motivations were. This necessitated a certain amount of “Perry Mason” explanation, and I made the situation and setting very dramatic. But, acknowledging that my ending had “more than a few of those lines,” I tried to add subtext in addition to setting up the ending better (see “fear of heights,” above). I then punched up the Resolution to make it more compelling.
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Assignment Day 15 – Critique of Erica’s Amazing Third Act
Hi, Erica,
I think adding the fear of heights was a really nice touch. And of course, reducing On-the-nose lines is always a good thing. I don’t really have a lot to add right now, but I’m sure I’ll have comments when I critique your entire screenplay.
Nice work,
– alan
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Thank you!! I had to work in Julia’s fear of heights in a logical way and in more than one place in the script in order for it to be believable. Great brain exercise!
😉
Erica
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PAT’S AMAZING 3RD ACT
What I learned doing this assignment is the ending was adequate but could be so much more impactful. With three changes I’m looking to up the ante at the very end to ensure the downside of seeking revenge or “justice”.
Summary:
Monica is a successful advertising executive using her mother’s paranoid delusions as the inspiration for ads for security services. Now in her 30s she’s chaffing to have a life of her own without worrying about Mom. Mom has a pervasive security system and Dennis is her favorite agent because he indulges her fantasies, envious of the massive house she lives in.
When Mom dies of diabetic complications Monica is wracked with guilt because she took off for a weekend. Her grief turns into a need for vengeance and she determines to prove Dennis contributed to Mom’s death.
He locks her in the house after finding a recording that could be construed as evidence against him and the battle of wits begins. Monica eventually goads him into coming into the house for her evidence and locks them both in a bomb shelter for a final confrontation.
Act 3 Beats
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – NIGHT
Monica looks for sanctuary or a weapon. She eyes the bomb shelter door, gets an idea and sets a trap, messing with the lock tumblers.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis explores the bunker warily. Monica rushes him. They both fall into the bomb shelter. The door locks.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Monica practically dares Dennis to injure or kill her to ensure his arrest. He’ll argue with her as he works on the lock, irritation mounting with each failure. Monica taunts him and the argument over who is more wrong continues.
EXT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
Alison and Sam approach, worried when Coco joins them. Coco leads the way in after Alison unlocks the door.
INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
The trio search, find the computer set up – Alison’s worst nightmare. Sam works to rescind Dennis’ control. Coco races over to Monica’s, not sure who is more guilty.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Monica fights fatigue, tries to rattle Dennis with descriptions of oxygen deprivation.
EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Cop cars, a Fire Engine and EMT van circle the men trying to short circuit the lock. An All Eyes Security van pulls up.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
The emergency lights flutter with waning power. Dennis loses his temper when Monica flicks a cigarette lighter at him. The arguing resumes.
CHANGE – This isn’t intense enough and we haven’t addressed Dennis’ obsession with Mom and the house. This comes out that throws Monica’s main argument into doubt.
EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Jeff Anderson pulls up, uses his own tools to release the gate in short order.
EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Anderson and Coco break the lock. Paul bolts out, falls into Anderson’s arms.
INT. AMBULANCE – NIGHT
Paul frets under treatment for dehydration and shock. Coco leads the way inside.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
The face off continues, both flushed with heat exhaustion and aggravated stress. Monica’s grief breaks.
CHANGE –
Dennis slyly tries to establish control over her, showing his insidious need to be top dog.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – NIGHT
Coco stares at the bomb shelter. Firemen go for a torch.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis coaches Monica on her performance but when the door opens and Coco enters, Monica calls him out, quoting the damning words. When he lunges for her Coco shoots him.
EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Coco leads Monica out. She’s shell-shocked, upset that her victory is hollow. Coco explains Dennis’ overreach. So, who’s watching the watchers?
CHANGE – Possible new ending. Monica is brought out on a stretcher after Dennis. Coco explains she had to shoot. Dennis is gone. Monica emotionally unstable, regretting her retribution, finally advancing into the deal-making stage of grief.
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