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Day 15 Assignments
Post your assignment by replying here.
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38 Replies
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MUTUAL TRUST
By Sandra Hildreth
INT. INSIDE IZZY’S OFFICE – DAY
Campaign posters with IZZY’s smiling face, hang in every available space on the walls. The office is crowded with furniture, literature boxes, and plain, wooden, dining chairs. Izzy’s desk is large, highly carved, shiny and topped with a thick piece of clear glass. A studio portrait of Izzy, his wife, their three children and six grandchildren is on the corner of the desk.
SQUIRE and NANCY enter the office. Izzy stands up, shakes both their hands, then motions toward the chairs. The two visitors sit down.
IZZY
Squire. Nancy. Thank you for coming in with such short notice. I have a huge favor to ask. Sylvia had a family emergency and is no longer able to be my campaign manager.
NANCY
Oh, Izzy, that is awful. You must be devastated.
IZZY
That doesn’t come close to how I’m feeling right now. Not only am I worried about her and her situation, she was in the middle of planning the next fundraiser.
SQUIRE
My sympathies to her and to you, Izzy. Is her leaving temporary or permanent?
IZZY
Unfortunately, permanent.
SQUIRE
Do you know who you’re going to name to take her place?
IZZY
No, I don’t, and unless I get the fundraiser going, I won’t have enough money to continue my campaign, which leads me to why I’ve invited you here. I would like you two to take over the planning and get this activity moving.
SQUIRE
Both of us?
NANCY
How far along is the project?
IZZY
Good question, Nancy. The date is set and the venue is booked, but that’s it.
SQUIRE
What the heck. That sounds like a challenge I’d like to take on.
IZZY
Along with Nancy, of course. Nancy, you in?
NANCY
Of course. Who’s the lead?
IZZY
I’ll leave that up for you two to work out. There are two laptops on the conference table in Sylvia’s office. I’ve given you access to the work station drive and with all her notes and information. Any questions?
NANCY
Not a question, really, but an offer. I’m in the middle of designing the poster for the rally. I know how important that is and I’d really like to finish that myself rather than hand it off to someone. I’m willing to work on that this weekend if that’s OK with you?
IZZY
Certainly, that’d be OK with me. More than OK, matter of fact. I truly appreciate your helping me out like this. That really makes me happy.
SQUIRE
How generous of you, Nancy. Any way I can help, just let me know, OK?
NANCY
Thank you. I will. Ready to get started?
SQUIRE
Absolutely!
The three stand up and shake hands. Nance and Squire leave Izzy’s office, turn the corner and enter Sylvia’s. The laptops are on opposite sides of the conference table. They each take a seat and wiggle the mouse to wake up the screen.
NANCY
Whew! That was a surprise. I’d like to take the lead, if you don’t mind. I’ve had a lot of experience setting up events.
SQUIRE
I’d like to take a look at what we’ve got here before we decide if you don’t mind.
NANCY
I’m not sure why you want to wait, but if that’s how you feel…
SQUIRE
Thank you. I appreciate that.
The two open files on the laptops and get immersed in reading the information. Nancy leans back and locks her hands together behind her back.
NANCY
Hm. The Banquet room at the Fairmont. Seating for 400.
Nancy leans back in her chair. A smile slowly broadens on her face.
SQUIRE
Agreed. You look like you have an idea brewing in that pretty little head of yours. Care to share?
NANCY
Hm. I’m picturing a Las Vegas theme with roulette, blackjack, Texas Hold ‘em. Slots. You know, the works!
SQUIRE
That sounds fantastic! I can see it now. Dealers in their little short skirts and sexy blouses.
NANCY
Don’t forget the hunks, too. We have to get the ladies gambling, too.
SQUIRE
What about the menu?
NANCY
Open bar, of course, just like Vegas. Then prime rib followed by Crème Brûlée
NANCY
I like that idea. Let’s run it by Izzy.
SQUIRE
Interesting! Let’s run it by Izzy. Oh, and since you thought of this, I think you should be the lead. I acquiesce to you.
NANCY
Thank you, Squire. I appreciate that. Ready?
Squire and Nancy walk arm-in-arm to Izzy’s office and knock on the door.
IZZY
Come in.
They enter the room. Izzy stands up, they shake hands, then all sit down.
SQUIRE
Nancy has taken the lead in this project and she’s come up with an idea she’d like to share. Nancy?
NANCY
What do you think about a Las Vegas theme, complete with gaming tables, very attractive dealers and a prime rib meal?
IZZY
And you agree with this idea, Squire?
SQUIRE
This was Nancy’s idea. That’s why she’s the lead.
Nancy and Squire lean back in their chairs. Their body language and faces show complete satisfaction with themselves.
Izzy leans forward, braces himself with his hands on his desk and rises very slowly, his face frozen, trying to hide any emotion. He stares straight at Squire.
IZZY
And I guess you thought if you let her present this idea I would appoint you my manager? Think again. I want a leader on my team, not someone that’s conniving and manipulative. You’ve written enough of my speeches to know my stance on gambling.
Nancy leans forward in her chair and faces Squire, her face turning bright red. Squire drops his eyes and squirms slightly.
IZZY
And Nancy, Did you not read my stance on “keeping casinos on Native American land where it belong”? I’m sorry. Neither of you passed this test. Squire, Get your things and go volunteer someplace else. This isn’t where you belong. Nancy, please, take the time to read what I believe in. And if you’ll both excuse me, I have some campaigning to do.
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Hi Sandra – This is a great idea and a good start, but I would go through and layer all of the character traits for Nancy and Squire at an additional level. I liked Hal’s critique in the way he parsed through the scene and looked at each character from the standpoint of traits and how that could be embellished. My sense is you could do more on that front and take your scene to the next level.
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Hi Sandra,
Interesting scene. You managed to get in a lot of the traits through dialog. You might try to break up the dialog by showing the traits in description using body language, nervous tics, facial expressions, tone of voice, and body movements to name a few. I missed the Arc of the scene, SCENE ARC: From: being forced together to: making a total mess out of the situation. This is where you can add Maximum interest techniques and layer in more sub text. Keep up the good work.
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Hi Sandra,
I like that Izzy used their introduction to what was already planned as a test of their knowledge of his platform. I would have liked to see additional ways to show quiet confidence (other than leaning back in their chairs). Early in the scene, I thought some additional subtext via non-verbals might have helped us see the happiness-go-lucky and seductive sides of Squire. Interesting read. Thank you!
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Hi Sandra,
I love this idea. I would have liked to see more conflict between Nancy and Squire as they’re planning this instead of waiting for Izzy to tell them he’s opposed to gambling, etc. They could find themselves in a dilemma when one person suggests the casino while the other mentions Izzy’s stance. That could lead to an argument and conversation that reveals more about each character and his/her history with each other. Let it unfold with the Interest Techniques. Good job.
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Sandra,
Great scene. I liked the twist at the end, it really sells the fact that Nancy was in fact working against Squire the whole time. His traits did not really come out though until Izzy said them. My suggestion would be to have him make a pass at Nancy to show the smooth trait. Good work!
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Don Thompson – QE #3 – redo after watching Hal’s critique
Logline: NANCY and SQUIRE are thrown together in a corporate team-building exercise in order to come up with ideas to move the company to the next level of profitability.
Essence: Brilliance is not really so easy.
INT. HOTEL MEETING SPACE – DAY
BLAKE (30) stands in front of around FORTY EMPLOYEES of WEGOTITMADE.COM. He is perched in front of a Whiteboard that can flip over to the reverse side.
BLAKE: Ok now we’ve come to the fun part. We’ve paired you up based on some random configurations. (He flips over the board) Oh boy, isn’t this fun?
There are some GROANS and LAUGHS from the group as the White Board reveals the twenty or so pairings.
BLAKE: So, find your assigned partner and report back to me in ten minutes with your profitability solution. Failure is not an option.
NANCY (40) and SQUIRE (35) eye each other from across the room, and approach each other sheepishly. Both Nancy and Squire are attractive in their own way: Nancy is much more corporate in her look and Squire more laissez-faire.
NANCY: I can’t believe they put us together.
SQUIRE: I guess it was random. Why don’t we sit over here? (He points to a couple of chairs and smiles). We can cuddle up and be productive.
NANCY: Watch it! One cuddle from you and you’ll be in the hospital.
SQUIRE: Calm down lady! No need to lawyer up – yet!
The two of them sit quietly for a bit.
NANCY: I think they should just blow up the whole company and start over.
SQUIRE: Come on, Nancy. This reminds me of the last time we got paired up. Ms. Pessimist all over again. But I still had fun. I always have fun.
NANCY: I’m a realist. And sometimes people seem pessimistic because deep down they actually care. You, however, are the real pessimist because you don’t take things too seriously. In fact, serious is not even remotely on your radar. I mean, that food fight at the Christmas Party with catering was a little over the top!
SQUIRE: I’d call it inventive. Like Conceptual Art.
NANCY: It’s a good thing they keep us on opposite sides of the building.
SQUIRE: Truer words were not said.
NANCY: Anyway, you totally misread me. So, I’ll give you the opportunity to get to know me. Ask and you shall receive.
SQUIRE: But what if I don’t want to ask?
NANCY: I’m asking you to ask.
SQUIRE: You mean like… (he smiles)
NANCY: No, you moron! I mean, professionally.
SQUIRE: Hmm. Why don’t we move onto the problem at hand? Meaning the company’s profitability.
NANCY: But not before you admit you have completely misread me.
SQUIRE: How so?
NANCY: I am not a pessimist. I am the opposite, really. I gave more in the Christmas End of Year Fund Drive than any other employee.
SQUIRE: Impressive. I’ll make sure to nominate you for a Nobel Prize.
NANCY: So I do care, actually. And I put my caring into action. You, on the other hand, evade all responsibility and don’t show up to most of your team meetings.
SQUIRE: How do you know that? We’re not even on the same team.
NANCY: I check the attendance records online.
SQUIRE: Wow. That is really… I don’t know what that is actually.
NANCY: I like to find out who really wants to take responsibility so I can know the right people to reach out to for projects.
SQUIRE: Yeah, well avoiding all responsibility is highly underrated, in my opinion. It leaves room for do-gooders like yourself to shine. Even if anonymously and in a way that is unnoticed by people like me — and as you probably snitch on us to management. I love Corporate America.
Long pause.
NANCY: I don’t snitch. I inform. It’s all about transparency.
Beat. Squire glares at her.
NANCY: Are we done psychoanalyzing each other?
SQUIRE: Sure.
Squire then does a quick imitation of Porky Pig.
SQUIRE: That’s all folks!
Squire smiles. Nancy frowns.
Beat.
SQUIRE: I got it. We should recommend an incentive program for the best idea to come up in this session.
NANCY: They want us to develop the idea, not create an incentive for it.
SQUIRE: But we are forming the background from which success will spring. We are creating a framework for success. The infrastructure for future growth.
NANCY: Boy you really do sound just like one of those guys from Booz Allen! But I sort of like it. Infrastructure for growth.
SQUIRE. Infrastructure is a real buzzword nowadays. Everything is infrastructure. Just put a word in front of it and you have a new concept. Corporate infrastructure. Office infrastructure. Sales infrastructure.
NANCY: That’s it! We need a new Sales Infrastructure!
SQUIRE: Can you believe how good I am? I have to take all the credit for this, I’m sorry Nancy. This is too good.
NANCY: You won’t share the idea with me?
SQUIRE: Why should I share anything? I came up with it, it’s my idea, I should get credit.
NANCY: But we’re a team.
SQUIRE: Ok… we’re a team. Sales Infrastructure. Now there’s only one problem.
NANCY: Yes?
SQUIRE: What the hell is a sales infrastructure?
NANCY: It’s making sure you have enough support.
SQUIRE: It’s making sure there’s closeness in the sales staff (he smiles at Nancy) Camaraderie.
NANCY: Accountability is key. And giving a crap. Empathy.
SQUIRE: Close accountability. Togetherness.
NANCY: There will be a twelve-step process for creating the Empathetic Sales Infrastructure.
SQUIRE: Sounds good. From you, in particular.
NANCY: Of course, it’s good. We will sneak it into the next Board Meeting and they won’t even know what hit them. They’ll think they came up with the idea themselves. This is why we cannot mention it to Blake. We have to hang onto this. It’s too good. Too big.
SQUIRE: Then what do we tell Blake?
NANCY: We’ll tell him that based on our last experience together in a team-building session that we spent the entire time trying to forgive and forget your incredibly selfish behavior from last year and will need to skip this round of suggestions.
SQUIRE: Ok. I’m with you. Then we take this to the Board. Together.
NANCY: Exactly, and in a way that nobody ever figures out who came up with the idea but we somehow benefit from it. Leave that part to me. I will take care of it. End of story.
BLAKE then SHOUTS to the group.
BLAKE: OK folks – time’s up!
Blake turns the whiteboard over so that it is a blank slate.
BLAKE: Hit me with some ideas!
A YOUNG MAN chimes in:
YOUNG MAN: We need a new Empathetic Sales Infrastructure!
BLAKE writes it down. Nancy and Squire eye each other despondently.
BLAKE: Brilliant! Now explain to me what that is.
END OF SCENE
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Hi Don, you have a really good scene here. All of Nancy and Squire’s traits are clearly presented. Nancy’s subtext carries the scene as she wants their work to remain hidden from the other workers, which would give them sole credit. Just a thought, I would have liked to see more of Squire’s subtext. Maybe he finds Nancy attractive, but doesn’t mention it to her. Instead, he attempts to use his seductive trait to get closer to her and have more of an influence on her. Many of the interest techniques are also clearly presented. First, there is the uncomfortable moment when Nancy and Squire are paired together establishing the negative feelings they have for one another. Their plan creates a dilemma; present it to the other workers or keep their idea to themselves. Due to Nancy’s scheming, we can see her intentions creating a future for herself, Squire and the company at large. The interaction between Nancy and Squire shows a lot of anticipatory dialogue. I had an idea here. Maybe Nancy and Squire are secretly being watched by an employee hired by Blake which in turn makes them a bit uncomfortable. This could be the something unseen interest technique. Good job with ending the scene with a twist as another employee has the same idea for the company! What will Nancy and Squire do now? Great cliffhanger!
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Where did you find the link to the video?
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Hi Don,
Great job getting in the traits and subtext through dialog. I would like to see more of the traits as action in scene descriptions. Showing the traits through facial expressions, body language, annoying habits, can add a lot more interest to the scene. I was impressed by how you used the subtext in the plot through dialog. What I didn’t see was Maximum Interest through the scene arc.“SCENE ARC: From: being forced together to: making a total mess out of the situation.
Another suggestion would be moving the beginning dialog ets and condensing it into the scene description and starting the dialog with the conversation between Nancy and Squire to get us to the essence of the scene right from the start. Remembering the scene arc and adding maximum interest techniques can turn this scene to stellar.
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Hi Don,
I loved the twist ending where they get what they deserve for not doing the work. :-> Like others have said, I wanted to see more than talking heads (which is what I always start with too). You did a great job of including the traits. Would like to see the beginning of their conversation and reveal of their previous work together condensed a bit. They have great banter!
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Hi Don,
I like your idea and dialogue. I would have liked to see more action which revealed more of the characters while building in the Interest Techniques. I did get a sense of their characters’ subtects, you did a good job with that. Just a little more action – maybe they’re fighting over who gets to use the water cooler (do they still have those post-Covid?); they run to the copy machine with their ideas and the paper clogs up….I don’t know, just a little more action might boost the interest level. Good job.
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Hi Don,
Really good scene. I like that all the traits come out not only subtly but naturally. The scene flows. I do think it could use a few more interest techniques to punch it up. Great scene.
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Rebecca’s QE Cycle #3 Scene edited
LOG-LINE: Squire and Nancy, paired as a biker team, must work together to find the golden egg, their passport to financial freedom, and after meeting other challenges, now near their goal.
ESSENCE: Both Squire and Nancy want to find the golden egg first and keep it for themself.
SCENE: CHICKEN COOP – EARLY MORNING BEFORE DAYLIGHT.
After meeting other challenges of the hunt, Squire and Nancy, arrive two hours before daylight. The last clue reads, “Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.” Squire wears a headlamp, Nancy holds a small pen flashlight. Squire looks around the hen house at the roosting chickens.
SQUIRE
Help me chase them out of here.
NANCY
I take it you’ve never been attacked by a chicken.
Squire takes on a tough guy stance.
SQUIRE
Bring them on.
NANCY
Shhh! Never disturb a roosting hen who lays the golden egg.
SQUIRE
Ok, farm girl what do you have in mind?
Squire’s headlamp illuminates Nancy who looks smoking hot in her biking leather. His eyes caress her best assets from top to bottom.
NANCY
Turn that thing off.
Squire complies and moves in closer. Nancy pushes him out of her space, turns on her penlight, and aims it toward the bottom of a nest. She she gently gropes under the chicken, grabs an egg, looks at it, and replaces it.
NANCY
Just an egg. Anyway city boy, that’s how it’s down. As you can see the hen still sleeps. How gentle is your touch?
Nancy aims the light at his face. He grins.
SQUIRE
Oh baby, let me show you.
Nancy moves her light to illuminate the base of the next nest.
NANCY
Ok, Romeo, your turn.
Squire squirms as he slips his hand under the sleeping hen and gropes underneath. He quickly pulls it out; the chicken cackles.
NANCY
Gentle, slow. If she cackles again she could wake up the flock.
SQUIRE
Nothing there.
Nancy moves on to the next nest and gently goes under and pulls out an egg and replaces it. She moves back to the nest that Squire checked, reaches in, gropes, gently pulls out an egg, and holds it in front of his face.
NANCY
What do you call this?
SQUIRE
An egg.
A dark cloud moves away from in front of the moon and gentle light illuminates the coop through the large window.
NANCY
Look a full moon.
Nancy hands her light to Squire.
NANCY
Here use this. The moonlight works for me.
Squire runs the light up and down her body.
SQUIRE
Kind of romantic isn’t it?
NANCY
Not really. I’m standing in a smelly chicken coop with you.
SQUIRE
Right, just like I said, romantic.
NANCY
Search for the egg before time runs out. Remember, gentle as possible so not to wake the hens.
Squire and Nancy search each nest and come up empty. Nancy rechecks Squire’s nests as he watches. He frowns and begins to recheck the ones that Nancy did. A hen squawks, Squire curses as he leaps back bumping into another nest.
SQUIRE
That bitch bit me.
NANCY
Hen, Squire, hen.
The second chicken attacks Squire’s back side. He turns and takes a swipe at the hen. The hen’s wings flare up, her feet aim for his face, and she squawks loud enough to wake the dead. Squire cover’s his eyes and stumbles into another box. His headlamp falls off and he drops the pen light. The other hens get restless like there’s a fox in the henhouse. Several more peck at Squire.
NANCY
Now you went and did dumb-ass.
Nancy grabs the pen light and headlamp, turns it on, flashes it at the attacking chickens, and pulls Squire to safety. Nancy turns out the light. They hide behind some stacked crates. Another cloud darkens the moon.
SQUIRE
(Whispering)
They got me good; drew blood. God damned chickens. My face stings, my hand hurts.
Nancy dabs his face with her shirt cuff.
NANCY
Oh poor baby, I warned you. Good thing you wore your biking leather.
SQUIRE
You have a gentle touch.
He strokes her hand. The hens settle down. Squire puts his lips seductively to Nancy’s ear.
SQUIRE
The nests turned up empty. Read that clue again.
Nancy turns her face towards him, their lips inches apart.
NANCY
Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.
SQUIRE
But the nests were empty.
NANCY
Perhaps, the egg isn’t under the roosting chickens.
Squire moves in closer
SQUIRE
What if you found it first? Would you let me know?
He kisses Nancy and runs his hands up and down her body. Nancy feels a lump under his leather. She reaches in and he moans. She pulls out the golden egg and rushes away knocking over the crates. The chickens shriek, cackle, their wings flutter.
Squire tackles Nancy.
SQUIRE
It’s mine.
Nancy squirms away.
NANCY
I want it.
Squire grabs her arm and the egg flies into the battling chickens. A shotgun goes off outside. Squire grabs at Nancy and kisses her hard before taking on the chickens. A farmer bursts into the hen house, his headlamp illuminates Squire. He aims the shot gun first at Squire and then Nancy. Nancy runs over to grab the egg, and rolls behind the tumbled crates. She notices it covered in foil and rips it off. Inside the foil is a tape with numbers. Nancy crumples and stuffs it in her bra.
FARMER
God-damned chicken thieves. I should shoot the both of you.
SQUIRE
We’re not chicken thieves, just an amorous couple looking for privacy.
FARMER
In my chicken coop?
Nancy steps out from the crates and the egg behind her back. She saunters beside Squire.
NANCY
Don’t shoot. We are looking for the golden egg.
FARMER
My chickens don’t lay golden eggs.
SQUIRE
My friend is just embarrassed. Good thing you didn’t come in any later.
Sally shoots a “really” look.
FARMER
You some kind of pervert? In a chicken house?
SQUIRE
Just look at her.
The farmer turns his head and lamp towards Nancy.
SQUIRE
Check out that face, those eyes, soft lips begging to be kissed.
Nancy stands like a deer in the headlights.
SQUIRE
Move on down to that luscious body encased in soft leather.
The farmer’s light moves downward. The shotgun droops. With the speed of light, Squire moves in and grabs the shotgun away from the farmer’s hands and aims it at him.
SQUIRE
If you value your life, go back to your house and stay there for at least a half an hour. I’ll leave the gun in the corner. I need that woman and I need her now.
FARMER
Perverts.
He makes a quick departure.
NANCY
Did you mean any of what you just said?
SQUIRE
Do you care?
Nancy moves in close, places the egg in Squire’s hand. She pulls the penlight from her leather pocket and shines it on the egg. Squire rolls it around.
SQUIRE
It looks like gold painted lead.
Squire hands it back to Nancy and retrieves his headlamp. The soft glow of first light enters the coop. He turns it on and aims at the egg in Nancy’s palm.
SQUIRE
I give up. I know of a motel down the road where we can take a hot shower and, and
NANCY
(Purring)
I know a better place.
OS – the sound of motorcycles that soon stops.
Two bikers in jeans and leather jackets burst into the coop. One with a handgun, the other with a knife. The short biker sporting a Dali mustache and goatee spies and grabs the shotgun. He aims it at the couple. The taller biker with long hair and a BUSHY BEARD replaces the handgun to the holster at his hip.
BUSHY BEARD
Hand it over.
SQUIRE
Hand over what?
BUSHY BEARD
That egg you’re holding. It belongs to us.
Nancy passes the egg to Squire who hands it over. Squire turns his headlight to shine on the egg. Bushy Beard examines it.
BUSHY BEARD
What the hell is this? It looks like gold painted lead.
NANCY
That’s all we found. The egg might still be in one of the nests. You need to find it before the sun comes up so there’s not much time.
The man with the Dali mustache shoot the shotgun into the roof of the coop. The startled chickens rise up, flap wings, and stir up dust. The two bikers move through the bedlam of feathers and dust towards the nests to be attacked by the chickens.
Nancy and Squire slip out the door.
O. S.
The sounds of two motorcycles speeding away to the wail of police sirens.
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This is really inventive and fun, Rebecca! I definitely saw a lot of the character traits shine through. My only suggestion is to keep layering the scene with the traits… and I’m giving myself this advice as well. If any traits seem to outweigh the others, that’s probably a sign to focus on some of the ones being overshadowed, at least for the purposes of this exercise. Specifically, it seems that seduction for Squire and caring for Nancy are coming through the strongest, at least for me.
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Hi Rebecca,
I suspect you’ve actually gathered eggs before. :-> I thought that Squire was a little single-minded about seduction. I liked the way Nancy took the number off the egg. I think she wins. 🙂 You incorporated a lot of traits and a good number of interest techniques. Well done.
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Rebecca,
Very funny. I love it. Did Nancy end up winning? I am guessing she did if she found the egg with the numbers and tucked them in her bra. I think you covered the Interest Techniques and kept the characters true to their traits. Good job!
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Hi Rebecca,
Wow! Just a great scene there was intrigue, suspense etc. I loved how you brought their traits out in actions and dialogue without using the actual trait as dialogue. So much fun to read and a very vivd scene!
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Rewrite for QE Cycle #3 Scene
LOGLINE: Two detectives who have distrust for each other and are assigned to the same job adjust for the unforeseen.
ESSENCE: Each
detective must deliver on his/her role to save their skin.Scene:
INT. PENTHOUSE CONDOMINIUM – NIGHT
The abode is decorated with a exotic fish tank, crystal light fixtures and a telescope near the window.
SQUIRE (35) sets the dining table with a smile on his face. He wears his service weapon in its holster on his right side as he puts two plates down.
He spots the state-of-the-art stereo system and calmly turns on some smooth gentle MUSIC. DING! DING! He answers the door.
Squire opens the door and finds NANCY (30) a gung ho seven year veteran of the force. Both their faces instantly sour.
NANCY
Hell no! This is not happening!
Nancy stomps inside as Squire closes the door.
SQUIRE
I’m not going to argue with you. If you have a problem, talk to Inspector Grimes.
Squire turns down the music.
SQUIRE
I only ordered my food. There are a few menus on the table.
NANCY
At least I get to choose my dinner.
SQUIRE
I have the table set. Enjoy when you’re ready.
NANCY
I’m not hungry. Let’s go over the brief.
Squire retrieves a folder from the coffee table.
SQUIRE
Did I mention your perfume is mesmerizing?
NANCY
Yeah, it’s soap fragrance.
Squire flips through the pages and hands them over to Nancy.
NANCY
I can’t believe this guy. He has a four year old daughter and gets involved with shit. He should be with his family at home.
SQUIRE
Everyone has their reasons. If not for them, what would we do?
Squire circles the living room and stops at a closet.
SQUIRE
This is the fanciest stakeout I’ve ever been on. The department went all out.
He opens the closet and a sex blowup doll falls out causing a moment of silence. Nancy gives him a look and makes her way to the window to scope outside.
SQUIRE
We’ll pretend that didn’t happen.
He stuffs the doll back in the closet. Shuts the door.
NANCY
Did we get the best intel on this guy?
SQUIRE
I made sure of it.
NANCY
How long has your unit been trailing this guy?
SQUIRE
Let’s focus on tonight’s job.
NANCY
I do things by the book. No need to hurt the innocent involved.
Nancy completes perusing the pages and closes the folder.
NANCY
You didn’t answer my question. How long has your unit been trailing this guy?
Squire offers a smirk.
SQUIRE
About ten months. I’ve been at it for the same time period.
Nancy listens to the MUSIC.
SQUIRE
I chose it to reduce any stress.
NANCY
A lot’s riding on tonight.
SQUIRE
Many bad people will be put away for a long time.
As Nancy takes off her jacket, as red laser sight from a firearm streaks into the condo and scans the wall.
Squire and Nancy in a split second jump onto the floor. They crawl to the window, but see no one.
SQUIRE
We’re having some early fun. How nice.
The laser disappears. Squire and Nancy remain on the floor.
SQUIRE
I guess playtime’s over.
NANCY
When did you make detective?
SQUIRE
We should concentrate on the case at hand. And what’s out there.
NANCY
I made it four years after graduation.
Squire’s cell phone RINGS and he quickly answers…
SQUIRE
Got it.
He hangs up.
NANCY
What’s the latest?
SQUIRE
Our friend is on the move.
They hop to their feet. Squire turns off the lights as Nancy surveys out the window to the rooftops below.
They observe a man with a duffel bag on a rooftop. He’s with a small child.
NANCY
That’s our guy.
SQUIRE
You weren’t followed here? Because that fragrance can leave a trace.
NANCY
We can’t take him out with the kid. The kid could get hurt.
SQUIRE
We can’t let him go. Remember, he’s a bad hombre.
They watch the man with the child on the rooftop take a seat.
NANCY
This is going to crap! We have to reassess.
KNOCK! KNOCK! Squire steps to the door.
SQUIRE
Who is it?
MAN (O.S.)
Pizza delivery.
Squire immediately grabs his firearm. Nancy becomes concerned.
NANCY
What’s wrong? It’s your food.
SQUIRE
I ordered Chinese.
She quickly pulls out her gun. They both aim at the door.
-
That’s a great scene, James! You layered in a lot of the character traits imho. The only one I found a little lacking was Squire and ‘happy-go-lucky’ — but that’s a pretty tough one given the tense situation. I liked the way Nancy tries to get to know him and Squire evades the questions. Shows both her caring side and his evasiveness.
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James, this is nice work on the action and characters. We can see the tension between the two detectives on their case. This is a good set up for a challenging situation, including Squire’s dinner order. The fight might even leave them physically wounded. This uncomfortable moment seems to be when the blow up doll falls out of the closet. Good depiction of the mystery of where their bad guy is and what might happen next. The cliffhanger ending works well, and leaves us with a pizza craving. Nice!
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Hi James,
Wow, great job with this. I love the balance of dialog and action and how you expressed the traits and maximum interest techniques through both. I especially like the clever twist at the end. You used most of the traits and many of the maximum interest techniques. I think using more of the scene arc will take this to an even higher level. SCENE ARC: From: being forced together to: making a total mess out of the situation. Impressive work!
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Hi James,
Great use of the interest techniques and character traits. I would have like to see more action-related character revelation in the early part of the scene rather than simply moving from place to place. Perhaps adding some personality or subtext to their movements/expressions to convey even more than the dialogue did. Great scene!
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Hi James,
You did a good job working in the interest techniques and character traits. I’m interested in what happens next.
-
-
Kathleen S.
Re-Write for #15
EXT FLOWERS AND BOTANICAL ARBORETUM STORE, ARMSTRONG GARDEN CENTER
Squire is working as a landscaper and gardener at the store. He is moving around trees and bushes and flowers outside with a pick up truck.
Nancy is working in the office and answering telephone calls. She is watching what he is doing as if he interests her a lot.
NANCY
(On the telephone)
Mr. Shinsuke… Why, you could even add a row of roses to surround your Japanese garden, have you thought of that? The weather has been cooperating.
(Listens )
Oh? The Shinto spirits aren’t mad this summer… no draught and just enough rain. What? Your orange tree… yes, keep it. One thing- plenty of succulents are always the best thing to surround a house. Why not add a few more?
(Listens)
Yes, of course I have everything you ordered. I’m sending over Squire. Now I want to be sure it’s all perfect, okay?
(Listens)
Very good, I know you’ll love it! Thanks and goodbye!
JUST BEYOND THE OFFICE
Squire has removed his shirt and is looking really buff and bronzed, glistening with perspiration. The sun is hot, and he is wetting himself with a garden hose, smiling.
SQUIRE
A-a-h! That’s better, I’m really cooled and refreshed. I was in a sweat just look at all the trees I had to move in the new shipment!
NANCY
Aren’t they beautiful? I just want to be sure that you care for them correctly, some of them need special treatment. I’ll tell you what… Take a break!
SQUIRE
Nancy, those donuts are mine! I’m heading over to the shade now and be right back.
NANCY
Squire, you don’t forget the delivery and planting Shinsuke’s garden later this afternoon!
SQUIRE
Of course.
Nancy makes a phone call…
NANCY
Hello, Mrs. Grover this is Nancy calling from Armstrong Garden Center. How are you today? I just wanted to invite to see our new perrenials for your garden. Come and take a look, I know you’ll love them.
(Listens)
Excellent. When can you come?
She puts her hand over the phone.
(Listens)
Just a minute-
Squire appears, stretching after being freshly rested.
NANCY
There you are. It’s about time you get the shipment over to Shinsuke’s house.
(On telephone)
Tomorrow at noon then. Have a good day!
SQUIRE
Nancy, there are so many trees, succulents, and all those flowers, why don’t you come along and we’ll garden together?
NANCY
(Reluctant)
Squire, I’m very busy in the office this afternoon… but you know I love planting gardens. Squire, if you weren’t late in the mornings you could have all those plants out already.
SQUIRE
Late? Nancy, I can hardly get enough rest after working so hard. You want overtime from me, it could pay more.
NANCY
You might need dinner on me… I’ll go with you and make sure you can get everything done. I’ll have to close up the office, there’s no one here.
SQUIRE
Come on with me, and you can help me finish the job. I worked all day yesterday on their yard. I’ll get the truck ready.
NANCY
Sounds like a plan!
EXT SHINSUKE’S HOME, LATER
Squire pulls up the truck into the Shinsuke home driveway. He begins to ready everything for the digging and the planting. Nancy helps unloading the trees, plants, and flowers.
SQUIRE
Did you see the swimming pool in back? How refreshing that looks!
Mr. Shinsuke isn’t home… I might jump in!
NANCY
If we could only get them to plant another row of flowers. I think maybe in the back. Let’s get to work! What time is it?
SQUIRE
It’s after 2pm.
NANCY
Squire, this should’ve been done already. Why didn’t you finish the groundwork yesterday?
SQUIRE
I couldn’t understand what the man was saying, he’s Japanese. He said all around the house are the flower beds, and the Japanese garden rock pathways are going here. I already dug up the trees that were bearing too much fruit.
NANCY
You what?!
SQUIRE
Too much fruit bearing, that’s what I though he said!
NANCY
Where are they? I’m sure he said to keep them. He just wanted them moved.
SQUIRE
He said too much fruit on ground. Flowers and not too much. I already got rid of most of them.
NANCY
Oh my gosh, I don’t think that’s right. Do you have his phone number?
SQUIRE
He doesn’t answer unless it’s an international call.
NANCY
Well, come on let’s plant.
They begin arranging all rows and planting things in the ground where they think they should be.
SQUIRE
Where does this go? This tree?
NANCY
Squire, I don’t know. You should’ve asked him and now you’re not sure.
(Pausing)
That’s an orange. He said between the other oranges. Where are they?
SQUIRE
Nancy, they’re gone. You know, I can’t think because it’s too hot. Besides, I can only think in Spanish, not Japanese at all.
NANCY
Really?
SQUIRE
I’m going to cool off…
Squire removes his shirt, and jumps straight into the pool.
NANCY
No, don’t! We have work to finish.
SQUIRE
Nancy, finish without me, I’m getting cool.
Nancy, gets back to the work of placing all of the plants in the ground.
Unexpectedly, Mr. Shinsuke arrives home. His car pulls up in the driveway.
SHINSUKE
Hello, gardener! You’re Nancy?
NANCY
Oh, Mr. Shinsuke you’re here!
(Shouts to Squire)
He’s here! He’s here already!
SQUIRE
He’s arrived!? Here I come.
Squire steps up to him dripping wet.
Shinsuke hello, it was very hot.
SHINSUKE
Yes, I think you should be working, not swimming. Why aren’t these arranged right? The spirits of Shinto are disturbed! I am home early to tell you the right way.
NANCY
(Very worried)
Oh, dear sir I hope we can get everything arranged.
SHINSUKE
(Very mad)
Where are the oranges that should be here? Where is my favorite orange tree?
SQUIRE
I’m sure we can get you a new one.
SHINSUKE
(Very upset)
Oh no! That means the death of the oldest orange tree. You’re not supposed to have cut it down… The Kami spirits will kill you!
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Hi Kathleen, you have a very interesting scene here. Nancy and Squire’s traits are fully present, which creates conflict from start to finish. Yet, I get the sense that Squire’s subtext drives the scene. He uses seduction from the beginning by removing his shirt and watering himself down, which he probably knows that Nancy would be looking. They seem to have love/hate relationship that could be interpreted as humorous. Also, continuing with Squire’s seduction trait, he jumps into the pool perhaps to entice Nancy to join him. This forces an uncomfortable moment for Nancy when Mr. Shinsuke arrives home. We see the conflict between Nancy and Squire creating a future filled with problems as Squire believes he’s worked too much and needs a break. Nancy is presented with a dilemma; does she join Squire in his relaxation or does she work herself to the bone in an attempt to serve a customer. There could be use for the something unseen interest technique in your scene. Maybe Mr. Shinsuke observes Nancy and Squire from a distance as he may want proof that Squire is not satisfactorily completing the job; he may be video recording Squire and Nancy and jumps toward them with evidence. The cliffhanger ends the scene well. Will Squire survive the curse of the chopped down orange tree!
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Kathleen,
Your use of the traits and interest techniques was huge. Congrats! Squire’s seductive trait and subtext were almost over the top. I didn’t see Nancy’s subtext of being covertly competitive with her peers (assuming Squire is a peer) very clearly. Her caring, stubborn and confrontational traits were definitely there.
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Lesson 15: QE Cycle #3: Re-Write this Scene
ASSIGNMENT:
SUBJECT: Monica’s QE Cycle #3 – Re-Write this Scene
SITUATION: Two people who don’t trust each other are teamed up to do a job.
SCENE ARC: From: being forced together to: making a total mess out of the situation.
NANCY
Traits
– Confrontational
– Stubborn
– Scheming
– Caring
Subtext: Nancy is a scheming lady who is covertly competitive with peers.
SQUIRE
Traits
– Evasive
– Selfish
– Happy-go-lucky
– Seductive
Subtext: Squire is a seductive guy who uses his charm to control others.
LOGLINE: The Galactic Alliance has decided to intervene in the human civilization on Earth and must choose the leader of the invasion.
ESSENCE: In order to save the planet Earth and the galaxy, difficult decisions must be made.
SCENE:
INT. OFFICE OF HIGH COMMAND – DAY
NANCY, blue skin, blonde hair, a beautiful Nordic alien, stares out at space from the observation deck of the Office of High Command. She surreptitiously observes the other candidates in the room through the glass. All passable commanders but none as good as her. She has intel on all of them. Deciding to use that intel, she turns away from the glass. Glides towards her first victim. (Nancy Sub-text)
The doors swish open and all heads turn towards it. In struts a whistling SQUIRE, roguishly handsome, even if he is from Centarii. Squire stops and looks around the room. He winks at one of the commanders sitting against the wall. Flicks his long, black hair back. Continues into the room. He’s accompanied by his personal robotic assistant, Robbie. (Seductive/Squire sub-text)
Nancy stops mid-glide and changes direction towards Squire. She impedes his progress by planting herself, legs splayed, in front of him.
Squire
Well, well, well. Escaped did you. (Happy-go-lucky/Mystery)
He tries to go around her. She mimics his actions. (Evasive)
Nancy
I swore I’d kill you the next time I saw you.
(she grabs Squire by the front of his shirt)
Leaving me on Draco to face the Lizards by myself. (Confrontational/Creating a future)
Squire
You weren’t exactly by yourself. You had your entire crew with you. Besides what could I have done? Serves you right being somewhere you shouldn’t have been. (Selfish)
Nancy throws him away from her.
Nancy
They’ve sworn to kill you too. So before I do everybody a favour….what are you doing here? (Confrontational)
Squire
(looks at his nails)
High Command selected me for an interview to lead the invasion. And who better really, I can get anyone to do anything for me. From what I hear those Terrans are so full of themselves they won’t believe what’s happening until it’s too late. (Selfish/Seductive)
Nancy
That’s NOT the mission. You have to ferry the different factions of their civilization to their new home planets. You can’t leave anyone behind. That takes organizational skills. Something you don’t have. (Caring)
Squire
Ah darlin’…
He runs his finger down her cheek. She swats his hand away. (Seductive)
Squire
I don’t need organizational skills when I have…(Happy-go-lucky)
Squire holds out his hand. The robot assistant slaps a thin tablet onto it.
Squire
See, Robbie here, has created a program. Downloaded all the Terran information and presto made all the arrangements for each and every Terran and their assortment of animals. All going to the right planet.
(beat)
When High Command sees this, who do you think they’re going to choose? (Anticipatory dialogue and something unseen – High Command)
Nancy
I think they’ll choose Robbie and somebody more qualified to lead. Like me. Who has led several successful campaigns throughout the Galaxy. Not you.
(beat)
Why did you leave me on Draco?
Squire
That was your fault. (Selfish)
Nancy
It’s never your fault is it? Who’d you sleep with? Nerrsa? (Stubborn?)
Squire
That’s Queen Nerrsa to you.
Nancy arches a brow when Squire saunters over to the observation deck. She follows him. Stands slightly behind him. In his ear she whispers….
Nancy
How’d that even work?
Squire shrugs.
Squire
Where there’s a will there’s a way.
Nancy
Well you won’t be able to sleep with anyone here to get your way. These are all highly evolved beings with impeccable integrity. Unlike Queen Nerrsa. (Scheming/Something unseen)
From the other side of the room doors swish open. An eight foot robotic assistant points to Nancy and Squire who turn to follow.
Squire
There’s always someone to sleep with. You could probably use a romp or two. Might loosen you up. I’m available. If you ever want to sample what everyone in the Galaxy raves about. (Seductive)
Nancy
The only thing being raved about in the Galaxy is when you’ll drop dead from all the diseases you’ve picked up.
(beat)
Besides when was the last time High Command allowed a Centarii to lead anything?
Don’t be too disappointed when I’m chosen. You can’t help it you’re a shape-shifting toad. (Uncomfortable moment/Stubborn)
Squire snorts. Flicks out his long, toady tongue and licks Nancy’s cheek from head to jaw.
Nancy grabs the tongue and starts to pull. (Uncomfortable moment)
Nancy
You’ve used that one, one too many times Centarii. And from what I understand, once your tongue is captured you can’t shape-shift. So you listen to me…(Mystery/Creating a future)
Nancy yanks on Squire’s tongue to face her.
Nancy
If you ever want use of this tongue again, if you ever want to get off this station, you’ll pull out of the competition. Or I’ll space you out of one of the vents on this space station. (Scheming and Confrontational/Anticipatory Dialogue)
INT. BOARDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Seated around a circular table are seven members of the galactic high command. The different alien races are represented. Nancy and Squire glide to the centre of the circular table and stand on a slightly raised dais. Squire keeps exercising his tongue to undo the damage Nancy did to it.
A tall, white, skinny being with long silver hair, wearing a blue robe stands.
Being
We’ve been reviewing your records. And observing your behavior in the observation lounge. You two are a disgrace to your position.
(beat)
I know Pleiadian’s and Centarii’s don’t have much in common, but your feud is causing a rift in the Alliance. You have three days to mend your relationship or neither of you will be going on this mission. Do I make myself clear?
Nancy/Squire
Yes.
Being
However, we’ve reviewed Robbie’s data and find it flawless. So Robbie will be going on the mission.
Nancy
(interrupting)
That’s not fair. I’m by far the best commander than half those fools out in the waiting area. I can see why you don’t want Squire, because the last time we were on a mission together he sold me out to the Lizards. (Betrayal)
(beat)
The Terrans are going to be confused and scared. The last thing they need is this lothario selling their souls to him. But me, I’m only concerned about their welfare and getting them safely to their new planet. I am the only one who can take care of them and get them safely to where they’re going. (Caring/Stubborn)
Being
Be that as it may, you’re not being chosen as the leader.
Nancy
What?! Why?! Because of him? I am the best you have. (Stubborn)
Being
Because of both of you. Can’t be having the Terrans thinking the rest of intelligent life in the Universe is just like them. You’ll wait for my final decision. And, you are to report to Dr. Finney, if you want to be re-considered as support crew.
(beat)
Dismissed.
Nancy and Squire glide out of the room. Once the doors swish shut, Nancy rounds on Squire. She pushes him up against the wall.
Nancy
Before you showed up, I was the go-to person on important missions like this.
Squire
Let me go.
Nancy
I warned you.
Nancy pushes a panel. It opens. She looks Squire straight in the eye. Then pushes a button. The door behind Squire opens. Nancy throws him in. Then pushes another button to close the door. (Creating a future)
Nancy
Let’s see you get out of this one, shape-shifter.
Nancy glides away. Squire bangs on the panel. (Cliffhanger/Dilemma)
Voice
(O.S)
There is a one minute delay….60, 59, 58….
-
Hi Kathleen, you have a very interesting scene here. Nancy and Squire’s traits are fully present, which creates conflict from start to finish. Yet, I get the sense that Squire’s subtext drives the scene. He uses seduction from the beginning by removing his shirt and watering himself down, which he probably knows that Nancy would be looking. They seem to have love/hate relationship that could be interpreted as humorous. Also, continuing with Squire’s seduction trait, he jumps into the pool perhaps to entice Nancy to join him. This forces an uncomfortable moment for Nancy when Mr. Shinsuke arrives home. We see the conflict between Nancy and Squire creating a future filled with problems as Squire believes he’s worked too much and needs a break. Nancy is presented with a dilemma; does she join Squire in his relaxation or does she work herself to the bone in an attempt to serve a customer. There could be use for the something unseen interest technique in your scene. Maybe Mr. Shinsuke observes Nancy and Squire from a distance as he may want proof that Squire is not satisfactorily completing the job; he may be video recording Squire and Nancy and jumps toward them with evidence. The cliffhanger ends the scene well. Will Squire survive the curse of the chopped down orange tree!
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by James Hernandez.
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Cheryl,
This isn’t for my scene. I don’t know whose scene it’s for but it’s not mine.
Thanks.
Monica.
-
This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by
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Logline: Tasked with organizing/running the children’s Holiday Party at their firm, Nancy and Squire, sales execs fighting for one team lead position vie to our-organize each other and tip the scales for the boss.
Essence: Oneupmanship sinks Nancy and Squire’s chances of advancement.
INT – EMPTY REC ROOM – DAY
NANCY, 30-something, sharp suit, classy hair stands with arms
crossed sizing up what her boss is saying.
SQUIRE, 30-something, sharp suit, attractive, stands facing
their boss, a glint of admiration in his eyes.
DANA, 50-something boss, sharper suit/jewelry, all business,
faces Squire, but mirrors Nancy’s stance.
DANA
I’m putting you two in charge of
the children’s holiday party. Work
together and make the company
proud.
Nancy and Squire nod, Dana acknowledges them both and walks
away.
NANCY
We’ll blow her away with this.
Squire guffaws, does a panoramic survey of the party space.
SQUIRE
I’ve already got a lock on the team
lead position. We don’t need to
sweat this.
NANCY
This has nothing to do with the
lead position. This is about the
kids.
SQUIRE
You were my competition for the
lead. Don’t pretend you don’t know
that. Knock yourself out on the
party, though.
Nancy looks out at the empty room.
NANCY
I’ll ace the party, but you do your
little thing here too. (beat)
The kids will love what I have
planned for them.
Nancy strides away. Squire shakes his head in good-humored
derision.
SQUIRE
We get the assignment thirty
seconds ago and she already knows
what she’s going to do? No matter
what you do, Miss Nancy, I’ll go
one better.
INT. REC ROOM – DAY
The room is decorated for a holiday kids party. An
inflatable dinosaur, decked out with a mock saddle and reins,
is fastened in the middle of a bouncy house.
Two decorated Christmas trees are spaced along the same wall.
The first simply decorated tree has no presents under it.
The second, with company-colored ornaments, has beautifully
wrapped gifts under it with corporate logo ribbons.
A corral is on the opposite side of the bouncy house with
piles of inexpensive unwrapped gifts in it.
Large tables in the middle of the room are laid out with gift-
wrapping materials for the kids to use.
Two tables on the other side of the room have separate lunch
options set up. The cowboy themed table sports burgers,
beans and tin cups of “Cowboy Coffee” aka cocoa. A large
plate of sugar cookies is surrounded by individual tubs of
soft frosting labeled Christmas “Cowpoke Biscuits and Gravy”.
The second table has a variety of simple, non-messy kid
finger food with clever souvenir cups that come in two parts
embellished with the company logo. The top part has one
handle and a spill-proof drink lid on top. The bottom has
the second handle and a tilt-out section filled with a
variety of finger foods.
NANCY glares at SQUIRE and he idly looks at his nails. They
both straighten when DANA approaches. Nancy mirrors Dana’s
posture while Squire does a quick, non-sexual, but approving
glance at Dana’s holiday attire and puts on a wide grin.
DANA
So what’s all this?
She turns to Squire first. Nancy glares at him as he speaks.
SQUIRE
I went with a Cowpoke Christmas
theme.
Kids can rope a present for
charity, ride a bucking bronco,
help themselves to some cowboy chow
and then pick up their present from
under the tree of wrapped gifts.
Dana nods in seeming approval.
Nancy quickly smiles as Dana turns to hear about her party
plans. Squire gives Nancy a wink.
DANA
Nancy?
Squire stands in mock boredom. Nancy explains, gesturing.
NANCY
I designed a holiday generosity
experience for the kids. Each child
can select a gift to wrap —
(she looks with venom at
Squire)
without needing to rope it —
(she returns to sweetness)
Then wrap it appropriately – with
Santa’s elves to help if necessary –
and hand it to Mrs. Claus who will
put it under the charity tree and
hand them an appropriate gift from
under the company tree in return.
Nancy indicates the lunch table.
NANCY
Then they can select a two-part
souvenir cup with non-messy snacks
on the bottom and spill-proof 100%
juice on the top. They snap the
two parts of the cup together and,
voila, they can carry around their
party snacks without spilling
anything on their party clothes.
Dana raises one eyebrow in admiration and walks away. Nancy
triumphantly cocks her head at Squire. He chortles and adds
a sly wink.
INT – REC ROOM – LATER
The camera pans across the tumultuous scene as Dana surveys
and reacts to the carnage.
Kids with cowpoke party hats, are struggling to lasso
presents in the corral.
They clumsily twirl ropes or throw them toward the packages
in the corral with little effect. Many whine in frustration
when they fail.
Inside the bouncy house, the fake saddle has slipped off the
dinosaur. Kids wait impatiently to get in. Those already
inside jump as high as they can trying to land on the dino’s
back with no success. It looks dangerous.
BOUNCY HOUSE ELF
Time’s up, kids. You must get in
line if you want another turn.
BOUNCY HOUSE KID
Just one more try and then we’ll
come out.
Tries and fails to get up on the dino.
BOUNCY HOUSE KID
Just one more try. Just one.
Dana gives Squire a withering glance and he laughs it off,
but frowns when Dana turns back to the scene.
At the wrapping table, an elf congratulates a little girl who
proudly takes her beautifully wrapped present to Mrs. Claus.
The little girl balks when Mrs. Claus reaches for the gift.
LITTLE GIRL
No! I wrapped it, you can’t have
it.
Mrs. Claus attempts to exchange it for one of the company-
provided gifts from under the tree.
MRS CLAUS
But that one’s for charity, dear.
I’ll give you this present instead.
It’s even better than the one you
picked out, I promise you. It’s a
lot more expensive.
LITTLE GIRL
I don’t care. I picked this one
especially and I wrapped it myself.
It’s mine!
Mrs. Claus and Dana look pointedly at Nancy who is mortified,
but clearly feels for the little girl.
A boy runs across the floor with a tin cup of cocoa in one
hand and an unwrapped plush toy in the other.
The cocoa spills on the plush toy and on Squire’s suit and
shoes. The boy ignores it and holds up the toy proudly.
LITTLE COWPOKE
Isn’t this great? I picked the
best one.
Squire is clearly angry about his suit.
SQUIRE
It’s ruined now. Go get another
one.
The little cowpoke balks. Squire snatches the cup and soggy
toy from the cowpoke’s hands, tossing them both in the trash.
The child cries and runs across the room to his mother.
Squire looks around for napkins to clean up the mess while
Dana shakes her head is disappointment. Nancy gloats.
A girl takes the two halves of her souvenir cup to the
Cowpoke table. She dumps out the non-messy treats and stuffs
a sugar cookie into the bottom part of the cup. Then she
scrapes icing out of a little “gravy” cup onto the cookie
with her finger, wiping her finger on her party dress when
she finishes.
Dana winces as the girl mashes down the top half of the cup
into the bottom until it clicks. She pours a tin cup of
cocoa onto the top of the spill-proof cup. It overflows and
soaks the tablecloth, dripping onto the floor. Oblivious,
she grabs the cup off the table as though it’s spill-proof
sending a shower of cocoa flying. She carefully picks up her
beautifully wrapped company gift in both arms, the dripping
cup still in one hand, and struts across the room.
Dana closes her eyes to hold back her wrath and then balls
her fists.
DANA
Lucky for me, Angela is in the
running for team lead too.
NANCY AND SQUIRE
No!
Dana stalks off in disgust.
Squire gestures “what happened?” to Nancy.
NANCY
That’s just not right.
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Hi Janeen. I love your scene. It’s a very interesting take on the assignment. I think it would be great if you added a little more interaction between Nancy and Squire. Actually, maybe if you have them having to work together to create the theme and party all the juicy stuff between them can come out even more. Great job. 🙂
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Rebecca Sukle’s QE Cycle #3 Scene edited for feedback exchange
Scavenger Hunt.
LOG-LINE: Squire and Nancy, paired as a biker team, must work together to find the golden egg, their passport to financial freedom, and after meeting other challenges are now near their goal.
ESSENCE: Both Squire and Nancy want to find the golden egg first and keep it for themself.
SCENE: CHICKEN COOP – EARLY MORNING BEFORE DAYLIGHT.
After meeting other challenges of the hunt, Squire and Nancy, arrive two hours before daylight. The last clue reads, “Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.” Squire wears a headlamp, Nancy holds a small pen flashlight. Squire looks around the hen house at the roosting chickens.
SQUIRE
Help me chase them out of here. (Trait)
NANCY
I take it you’ve never been attacked by a chicken. (Nancy subtext)
Squire takes on a tough guy stance. (Squire subtext)
SQUIRE
Bring them on. (Subtext)
NANCY
Shhh! Never disturb a roosting hen who lays the golden egg. (Nancy-Subtext)
SQUIRE
Ok, farm girl what do you have in mind?
Squire’s headlamp illuminates Nancy who looks smoking hot in her biking leather. His eyes caress her best assets from top to bottom.
NANCY
Turn that thing off.
Squire complies and moves in closer. Nancy pushes him out of her space, turns on her penlight, and aims it toward the bottom of a nest. She she gently gropes under the chicken, grabs an egg, looks at it, and replaces it.
NANCY
Just an egg. Anyway city boy, that’s how it’s down. As you can see the hen still sleeps. How gentle is your touch?
Nancy aims the light at his face. He grins.
SQUIRE
Oh baby, let me show you.
Nancy moves her light to illuminate the base of the next nest.
NANCY
Ok, Romeo, your turn.
Squire squirms as he slips his hand under the sleeping hen and gropes underneath. He quickly pulls it out; the chicken cackles.
NANCY
Gentle, slow. If she cackles again she could wake up the flock.
SQUIRE
Nothing there.
Nancy moves on to the next nest, gently burrows under, pulls out an egg, and replaces it. She moves back to the nest that Squire checked, reaches in, gropes gently, pulls out an egg, and holds it in front of his face.
NANCY
What do you call this?
SQUIRE
An egg.
A dark cloud moves away from in front of the moon and gentle light illuminates the coop through the large window.
NANCY
Look a full moon.
Nancy hands her pen light to Squire.
NANCY
Here use this. The moonlight works for me.
Squire runs the light up and down her body.
SQUIRE
Kind of romantic isn’t it?
NANCY
Not really. I’m standing in a smelly chicken coop with you.
SQUIRE
Right, just like I said, romantic.
NANCY
Search for the egg before the time runs out and the sun comes up. Remember, gentle as possible so not to wake the hens.
Squire and Nancy search each nest and come up empty. Nancy rechecks Squire’s nests as he watches. He frowns and begins to recheck the ones that Nancy did. A hen squawks, Squire curses and leaps back, bumping into another nest.
SQUIRE
That bitch bit me.
NANCY
Hen, Squire, hen.
The second chicken attacks Squire’s back side. He turns and takes a swipe at the hen. The hen’s wings flare up, her feet aim for his face, and she squawks loud enough to wake the dead. Squire cover’s his eyes and stumbles into another box. His headlamp falls off and he drops the pen light. The other hens get restless like there’s a fox in the henhouse. Several more peck at Squire.
NANCY
Now you went and did dumb-ass.
Nancy grabs the pen light and headlamp, turns it on, flashes it at the attacking chickens, and pulls Squire to safety. Nancy turns out the light. They hide behind some stacked crates. Another cloud darkens the moon.
SQUIRE
(Whispering)
They got me good; drew blood. God damned chickens. My face stings, my hand hurts.
Nancy dabs his face with her shirt cuff.
NANCY
Ok poor baby, I warned you. Good thing you wore your biking leather.
SQUIRE
You have a gentle touch.
He strokes her hand. The hens settle down. Squire puts his lips seductively to Nancy’s ear.
SQUIRE
(Whispering)
The nests turned up empty. Read that clue again.
Nancy turns her face towards him, their lips inches apart.
NANCY
(Low volume)
Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.
SQUIRE
But the nests are empty.
NANCY
Perhaps, the egg isn’t under the roosting chickens.
Squire moves in closer
SQUIRE
What if you found it first? Would you let me know?
He kisses Nancy and runs his hands up and down her body. Nancy feels a lump under his leather. She reaches in; he moans. She pulls out the golden egg and rushes away knocking over the crates. The chickens shriek, cackle, their wings flutter.
Squire tackles Nancy.
SQUIRE
It’s mine.
Nancy squirms away.
NANCY
I want it. I need it.
Squire grabs her arm and the egg flies into the battling chickens. A shotgun blast outside. Squire grabs Nancy, kisses and pushes her away. He dives into the fury of chickens. A farmer bursts into the hen house, his headlamp illuminates Squire. He aims his gun first at Squire and then Nancy. Nancy spies and grabs the egg before rolling behind the tumbled crates. She notices the egg covered in gold foil and rips it off. Inside the foil is a tape with numbers. Nancy crumples it and stuffs it in her bra.
FARMER
God-damned chicken thieves. I should shoot the both of you.
SQUIRE
Hey brother, we are not chicken thieves, just an amorous couple looking for privacy.
FARMER
In my chicken coop?
Nancy steps out from the crates holding the egg behind her back. She saunters beside Squire.
NANCY
Please don’t shoot. We’re only looking for the golden egg.
FARMER
My chickens don’t lay golden eggs.
SQUIRE
My friend is just embarrassed. If you burst in a few minutes later…oh boy.
Sally shoots a “really” look.
FARMER
You some kind of pervert? In a chicken house?
SQUIRE
Just look at her.
The farmer turns his head and lamp towards Nancy.
SQUIRE
Check out that face, those eyes, soft lips begging to be kissed.
Nancy stands like a deer in the headlights.
SQUIRE
Move on down to that luscious body encased in soft leather.
The farmer’s light moves downward. The shotgun droops. With the speed of light, Squire moves in and grabs the shotgun away from the farmer’s hands and aims it at him.
SQUIRE
If you value your life, go back to your house and stay there for at least a half an hour. I’ll leave the gun in the corner. I need that woman and I need her now.
FARMER
Perverts.
He makes a quick departure.
NANCY
Did you mean any of what you just said? A half an hour?
SQUIRE
Do you care?
Nancy moves in close, places the egg in Squire’s hand. She pulls the penlight from her leather pocket and shines it on the egg. Squire rolls it around.
SQUIRE
It looks like gold painted lead.
Squire hands it back to Nancy and retrieves his headlamp. The soft glow of first light enters the coop. He turns the lamp on and studies the egg in Nancy’s palm.
SQUIRE
I’m done; let’s go. I know of a motel down the road where we can take a hot shower and…
NANCY
(Purring)
I know a better place.
OS – Sound of motorcycles that soon stops.
Two bikers in jeans and leather jackets burst into the coop. One with a handgun, the other wielding a knife. The short biker sporting a Dali mustache and goatee pockets his knife when he spies shotgun. He aims it at the couple. The taller biker with long hair and BUSHY BEARD replaces the handgun to the holster at his hip.
BUSHY BEARD
Hand it over.
SQUIRE
Hand over what?
BUSHY BEARD
That egg you’re holding. It belongs to us.
Nancy passes the egg to Squire. Squire turns his headlight to shine on the egg as he hands it to Bushy Beard.
BUSHY BEARD
What the hell is this? It looks like gold painted lead.
NANCY
That’s all we found. The egg might still be in one of the nests. You need to find it before the sun comes up so there’s not much time.
The man with the Dali mustache shoots the shotgun into the roof of the coop. The startled chickens rise up, flap wings, and stir up dust. The two bikers rush the bedlam of feathers and dust towards the nests. The chickens attack. Dali mustache screams.
Nancy and Squire slip out the door.
O. S.
The sounds of two motorcycles speeding away to the wail of approaching police sirens.
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Rebecca, Love the rewrite! The pace is faster, the action sharper and there is a reciprocity in the relationship between Nancy and Squire that wasn’t there before. Much more “interesting”.
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Carolyn – QE Cycle #3 Rewrite
Logline: Nancy and Squire are trapped on the side of a skyscraper on a window washing scaffold trying to dodge a hitman.
Essence: Being a peeping Tom may cost you your life.
EXT. SKYSCRAPER – DAY
A scaffolds hangs off the side of a modern, glass building 20 floors up. A man and woman both in their early 30’s and dressed in overalls wash the windows. They are SQUIRE and ROSE ELLEN.
Another scaffold descends and stops alongside them and it too has a man and a woman window washer in it. They are MORTIMER and NANCY.
ROSE ELLEN
Hey. You’re going down early?
MORTIMER
(looking sweaty and pale, burps)
Don’t feel good.
NANCY
Mortimer’s got the –
(aside)
you know. He needs a bathroom.
ROSE ELLEN
(wipes her brow, rubs her stomach)
I’ve got a touch as well. Did you have any of the guac in the breakroom? I think it was off. Switch with me, Nanc. I’ve got to go.
NANCY
(glances at Squire)And work with him? No way.
Squire looks at them both.
SQUIRE
Don’t put me with Nancy, she’ll find a way to push me off!
Nancy gives Squire the stink eye.
NANCY
You think you’re so smart. You know what, Rose Ellen? I’ll switch with you. I can take the opportunity to show Squire here how to use a squeegee properly.Squire smiles. Nancy wants him after all.
ROSE ELLEN
I promise to come right back up after I take an Imodium.
Squire put his arm around Rose Ellen’s shoulders.
SQUIRE
Could you bring me up my box of Ding Dongs I left in the fridge? Really appreciate it.
ROSE ELLEN
Anything for you, honey.Nancy and Rose Ellen switch scaffolds and the one begins to descend. Nancy calls down to them.
NANCY
You poor things. There’s always the bucket in case of emergency. Feel better!
Nancy waves one last time then picks the squeegee out of the bucket and shakes it. She looks up and whistles.
NANCY
That’s one long streak you two made from 32 to 22 from what I can see. I’m telling admin I did the right side of the building, just look up and see the difference. You’ve got to flip the squeegee to the right as you bring it down. Like this.
While Nancy talks, Squire looks through the window and breaks into a wide grin. Intent on her work, Nancy doesn’t pay attention.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
A WOMAN in bra and panties is embraced by a MAN in boxers. They scowl at Squire. Squire smiles and blows them a kiss.
The man picks up the phone and the woman grabs a remote control. Privacy shades come down.
Frustrated Nancy turns Squire’s face with her hands to look at her.
NANCY
I asked you a question! What do you have to say for yourself?
SQUIRE
Can we do this later?
NANCY
I didn’t ask to be here, I purposely asked NOT to be here when Morty made the schedule, but here I am! So NO. We cannot do this LATER!
Squire sits down, letting his feet dangle in the air.
NANCY
Why did you stand me up last night?SQUIRE
My mother was sick and my car wouldn’t start.
NANCY
You could have called me!SQUIRE
My battery was dead.
(He smiles, pats the spot next to him.)
Come on, baby. Let’s forget it.
Nancy shakes the wet squeegee onto Squire.
NANCY
One more baby and I report your ass to human resources.SQUIRE
Ah, don’t be sore. You’re the one who dumped me for a Wall Street guy!
NANCY
That was after you dumped me, and he wasn’t from Wall Street.
SQUIRE
I saw him. He wore a tie.
NANCY
Travis repairs copy machines in offices! He’s a Technician. Geez! You’re so stupid.
(throws the squeegee in the bucket and faces him)
SQUIRE
So what? You still went out with him. Can’t trust you with anyone…
NANCY
Like you tell me everything.SQUIRE
I do! Mostly…honey you know I can’t remember details. I’m a live in the moment kinda guy…
NANCY
Having a ten year old daughter is a detail?
SQUIRE
Come on…
(He reaches for her leg, caressing her calf.)
Let’s enjoy this view for a minute.
EAR-SPLITTING GLASS BREAKING!
The sound of RAPID GUNFIRE.
SQUIRE
Holy shit!
They both crouch.
The shooting stops.
They look at one another.
Squire bangs on the window with the shades down.
Nancy presses a button and the scaffolding begins to descend. A MAN WITH A GUN sticks his head out of a broken window above them and aims an automatic rifle.
Squire tries to hide behind Nancy as they press themselves against the building.
The bullets hit the ropes causing one side of the scaffold to fall.
Squire and Nancy tumble to one end, holding on.
Squire loses his grip and falls further.
SQUIRE
Help me! I promise if we get out of this I’ll take you to the fanciest restaurant in town!
NANCY
Maybe some day we will tell our kids about this.
SQUIRE
Kids? I said dinner.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
The shades go back up and the couple is now fully dressed. They stare in horror at Nancy and Squire who are barely hanging on.
Squire smiles and waves. Remember me?
The frayed ropes break and the scaffolding drops to the earth below, taking a screaming Nancy and Squire down with it.
WOMAN
The streaks are still there.
The man takes out his phone and dials.
MAN
You idiot. I said to bill, not kill the window washer.
-
Rewrite Slime PIckings
Carol L. Paur
EXT. PREIKESTOLEN, NORWAY – DAY
It’s the final round of the reality television show – Slime Pickings.
Near the edge of the cliffs stand the final two contestants.
NANCY (50s and pudgy) stands next to a table with Slime ingredients along with bags and boxes of unidentified supplies. Next to her is SQUIRE (30s, Black, handsome) standing next to his table with Slime ingredientsalong with bags and boxes of unidentified supplies . Both are wearing black spandex bike pants with bright t-shirts that read Slime Pickings. RALPH, the show’s moderator, faces them.
RALPH
We are now down to the final round. Why did the other contestants fail, Nancy leaving you and Squire still here?
NANCY
(smirks)
If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Besides some people don’t know the intricacies of making slime.
SQUIRE
Come on, Nancy. You’ve been holding out on me.
NANCY
Squire, you never told us what happened to your girlfriend’s slime.
Squire weakly smiles but then flutters his big brown eyes. Nancy rolls hers.
SQUIRE
She’s gone now, Nancy, it’s just you and me, baby.
NANCY
Don’t you know I’m old enough to be your mother?
SQUIRE
Oh, but you’re such a hot cougar.
NANCY
Can he get away with that on national television? Maybe I’ll have to check with my lawyer.
Ralph clears his throat.
RALPH
This final episode requires that… you two work together.
Nancy looks shocked and horrified. She points her finger accusatorially at Squire.
NANCY
No! Did you see what he did the last round? Uh no!
SQUIRE
Nannnncy! Come on baby! Let’s get together and make some slime!
Nancy steps away from her table, shaking her head.
NANCY
I can’t work with this guy. Nope. I’m done.
RALPH
Are you willing to kiss away one million dollars?
Squire gets on his knees and crawls over to Nancy, kissing her hand. She yanks it away.
NANCY
Do we have to share the money?
Ralph nods. Nancy thinks for a moment.
NANCY
Could we make it two million?
RALPH
You read the contract.
SQUIRE
Marry me, Nancy! We’ll pool our riches.
NANCY
That’s if we win. What did happen with your girlfriend?
SQUIRE
Naaaancy, it don’t matter no more. It’s you and me. We can do it.
RALPH
You will only have ten minutes to create your Slime. Remember, it must be smooth, non-sticky and stretchable.
Nancy glowers at Squire who waves at the camera and gives a kiss.
RALPH
Are you ready?
Squire scurries to his feet and nearly knocks down Nancy.
NANCY
I don’t need you, Squire. Just let me do my stuff.
RALPH
You gotta work together. If the judges see you working alone, you’ll automatically be disqualified. On your mark, get set, go!
A massive digital timer counts down the minutes. Squire picks up the glue bottle and tips it over the bowl.
NANCY
No! I never put the glue in first. I thought you were watching me the last time.
SQUIRE
We only have ten minutes.
He pours it into the bowl.
NANCY
(shrieking)
No! You’re going to ruin everything.
She rips the bowl away. Glue spills everywhere, even on them. Nancy takes paper towel and swipes out the bowl. She then pours water into it.
NANCY
Water, first, Squire. Follow me not your ex.
SQUIRE
That’s not how I learned.
NANCY
You’re going to deny cheating?
Squire takes the can of shaving cream and presses the lever. Foam oozes into the bowl.
NANCY
Hey! Did I tell you to put the shaving cream in? Baking soda comes next. Where is it?
They scramble through the different bags and boxes searching for baking soda. Meanwhile the shaving cream deflates.
SQUIRE
I found it.
He opens the box and pours the entire contents into the bowl, making it explode, coating Nancy’s face and body. She falls to her knees, swiping her face with the back of her arm, barely removing the mess.
NANCY
Milly! There goes your cancer treatment.
RALPH
Seven minutes.
Nancy stands up and swipes her face with paper towel. She then cleans out the bowl again.
NANCY
Get the water!
Squire grabs the water pitcher and pours.
NANCY
That’s too much.
RALPH
Six minutes.
SQUIRE
We don’t have time.
He takes another box of baking soda and stirs it in with the water.
Nancy grabs the can of shaving cream and pours it in. She begins to stir it with her hands.
NANCY
The important part is to knead it.
SQUIRE
Knead it? You haven’t added the glue.
He grabs the glue bottle and opens it when a howling wind comes off from the cliffs. The glue coats Nancy.
RALPH
Four minutes.
A flock of birds swoop overhead. One flies into Nancy and gets stuck. She throws herself onto the ground, wrestling with the bird.
Meanwhile, Squire continues kneading the slime, letting it slip from his hands into the bowl.
RALPH
Help your teammate, Squire, or you’ll be disqualified.
Squire tries pulling the bird off Nancy, but manages only to fall into the foray and get stuck. They roll back and forth, getting closer to the edge of the cliff.
Nancy manages to heave her body off from Squire and the bird and rushes over to the table. Squire nearly falls down the cliff but manages to stand up and run to the table.
In a panic they add more ingredients, stir, knead, add more ingredients, stir, and knead.
RALPH
Times up! Hands up in the air.
Squire and Nancy lift up their messy, dripping hands.
Ralph and the camera people walk over to the slime bowl to see a glopping mush.
RALPH
I’ve never seen so much action in a slime competition.
SOUND: BUZZER
RALPH
But I’m afraid this is not Slime Pickings! You will not walk away with a million dollars
Nancy and Squire pick up some of the slime and throw it at Ralph.
-
Doug Ryan-QE#3
Logline- Dr Nancy Li is partnered with Squire, an intern for the constable on a Moonbase, to find out who or what destroyed the sustainable plants in Pod 6.
Essence- Age does not mean ineptitude.
INT. BIOPOD 6 – DAY
Doctor NANCY LI, 30s surveys the damage of her prized plants. She is holding back the tears as she kneels down and pets one of the leaves still intact to her
NANCY LI
My poor genoa fiddle leaf. I will find the bastard that did this and
Behind her is CONSTIBLE RAY 60s, a bear of a man and his intern SQUIRE LOAF, 25 fit with a huggable face.
CONTIBLE RAY
Ahem! Doc, this is my intern Squire. Now he gonna take over here cuz. Well cuz I don’t give a shit and quite frankly it’s a small moon and you’ll have better luck figuring what happened here than me.
Nancy turns without getting up and scans the two men with passion reserved for gutting a fish.
NANCY LI
Why because I’m more in tune to the people of this moon than you are.
CONTIBLE RAY
Pretty much, and Squire here is gonna learn the ropes. I figure he can help you and you can help him. It’s a win, win. Plus I get to catch up on my stories.
Nancy stands and glares disapprovingly at Squire, who holds his limp hand out with a boyish smile.
SQUIRE
Hi. Can’t wait to work with…
NANCY LI
Ray. This is some bullshit. He’s like 10 years old.
SQUIRE
No matter what I’m here to please.
CONTIBLE RAY
I don’t give a fart in church. He’s your partner now.
Ray makes his way to the path just barely missing the plants.
SQUIRE
You know we could just head over to your office grab some grub and look at the footage.
She ignores his attempt at a pass, and looks past him.
NANCY LI
No cams in here, it messes with the plants and, ugh! Hey Ray!
Ray halfway to the exit turns around.
NANCY LI
This is some bullshit! He’s gonna end up in somethings belly and you’re gonna be all “what happened to my intern?” And I’m gonna be like, shoulda been here to do it yourself.”
SQUIRE
Wow. If you really want me just say so Dock. (winks)
CONTIBLE RAY
Deal with it. Oh and if he gets eaten that’s on you.
NANCY LI
Un-un! On you!
CONTIBLE RAY
Dammit Doc, just work with him. That’s an order.
She throws her hands up as he exits at the other end of the room. Squire smiles at her and goes to lean on an imaginary pole and almost falls over.
NANCY LI
(To herself)Idiot. (To him) This whole I’m so stupid I must be cute routine ends now.
SQUIRE
Sure, sure. I got ya Doc Nancy. So why no cams?
She looks at him with angry eyes and ignores his question.
NANCY LI
What the hell is wrong with you? Stop stepping on the evidence.
She shoves him back onto the path and leans down studying the ground where he was stepping. She picks up a flower petal and strokes it gently.
SQUIRE
You really love these plants eh.
She doesn’t look up, as she lays the petal back down onto the ground.
NANCY LI
That I do. These plants were supposed to be our oxygen and food supply for 3 months.
Squire looks around at the other damaged plants and flowers. He notices some trees were not harmed. Nancy turns and sees him studying the rest of the Biopod’s contents.
NANCY LI
What are you thinking? I have an idea, but what is your assessment?
He puts his hands in his pockets and tilts back on his heels.
SQUIRE
Seems odd that they only came over here and there.
He points to another area with damage. She follows his finger, she notices another intern DEBBIE, 20’s at the other end cataloguing.
NANCY LI
Go talk to Debbie. She might know.
SQUIRE
But isn’t this your pod?
NANCY LI
I’m in charge of 3 pods. I don’t know everything about everything.
SQUIRE
Well Ray said..
She pops up to get eye to eye with him.
NANCY LI
Ray is a lazy fat pice of laborite.
SQUIRE
Fine. But if I get a lead you buy lunch.
NANCY LI
Fine whatever.
Squire walks down towards Debbie. Nancy looks around the ground and sees something sticking out of the ground. She unearths half a keycard.
She looks over at Squire who is waiving Debbie over to him. Nancy pulls out plastic baggie, deposits the keycard into it and looks around before she slyly puts it in her pocket.
NANCY LI
I’ll figure this out before him. Stupid kid. I got this. (She looks at the plants) Don’t worry babies mama’s gonna find the lowlife that did this and make him PAY!
She hears giggles. She looks, stands and makes her way to the other two. Squire is smiling and making eyes with Debbie.
SQUIRE
So you’ve only been here three years?
She is into him.
DEBBIE
Yeah. How bout you?
He tilts his head and raises his eyebrows to match his slick smile.
SQUIRE
I’ll never tell. At least not while the sun is shining. What time you off here?
She smiles and looks down, she’s blushing and trying to hide it. He knows he’s got her now.
DEBBIE
When the sun doesn’t shine.
SQUIRE
Well I had this perfect bottle of kelp wine.
DEBBIE
Ooh. I love kelp wine. We could sit back and…
He smiles at her, and feels Nancy behind him.
SQUIRE
Well like I said, I had a bottle.
Nancy looks on in bewilderment.
NANCY LI
Debbie? You don’t actually like this proto do you?
SQUIRE
Well Proto’s do it in any condition.
Nancy burns him with her eyes. Debbie giggles as Squire winks at her.
NANCY LI
So what did you find out? Intern.
He rubs his smooth face with his hand and sucks his teeth.
SQUIRE
I might have something. (Looking at Debbie) I’m gonna work that lead later tonight.
Nancy misses all the innuendo as Debbie giggles and blushes. Squire winks at her.
NANCY LI
(Rubbing her pocket) Look I got
nothing. So I’m gonna just head out for lunch. You wanna come?
He shakes his head no and looks deep into Nancy’s eyes. She is a bit intimidated by this.
SQUIRE
Naw but could you Pick me up a sandwich and chips?
Nancy doesn’t know why she is nodding yes but she is.
NANCY LI
Sure thing. Be back in an hour.
Nancy talks to herself as she leaves. Squire smiles knowing that he just got a free lunch.
DEBBIE
Um. Do you think you could have ordered something for me.
SQUIRE
Nope. So why no security cams in here?
-
FONDANT ROOM IN BAKERY – DAY
NANCY (50s), the fondant specialist, stands before a 7 layered undecorated cake getting a sense of it’s spirit before she gets to work decorating it.
RALPH (35), the chef of the bakery, walks in talking.
RALPH
I know it’s only been a few days…
(he hesitates)
but I got you a new partner.
NANCY
I don’t want a partner.
RALPH
I know George meant a lot to you and it’s been hard for you since his heart attack…
NANCY
Am I not keeping up with the work?
RALPH
(pointing to the cake)
They’re coming to pick it up in an hour.
NANCY
What?! What’s going on?… I won’t even have time to set it. What happened to tomorrow morning?
RALPH
(matter-of-factly)
The client wants it in an hour.
Nancy paces back and forth a couple of times.
RALPH
Nancy…
NANCY
Why are you doing this?
RALPH
It’s the client –
NANCY
Fine, but I’m going to choose my partner.
RALPH
There’s no time.
NANCY
Fine! As long as it’s not…
SQUIRE (24), walks in as she says his name.
NANCY
Squire.
SQUIRE
Ooo. I love how you say my name.
NANCY
Absolutely not. He’s barely out of school let alone diapers! He doesn’t have the skills to pull this off. He doesn’t know my moves.
SQUIRE
Ooo. You got moves?
RALPH
(walking out)
One hour.
NANCY
(pointedly)
Stay out of my way.
SQUIRE
Your wish is my command, me lady… I’ll get started on the roses.
NANCY
That’s my specialty.
He makes his way to the icing board for the roses.
SQUIRE
So I heard your beautifulness is retiring next week.
NANCY
Yes, and I don’t want one of my last chef d’oeuvres to be ruined… especially for these clients.
Squire places his first rose on a board.
SQUIRE
Did you know that french is the language of love.
Nancy leans across him to reach for the silver ribbon and inadvertently, on purpose, squashes his rose.
NANCY
Oh, I’m sorry.
SQUIRE
You’re pretty sexy when you’re forceful.
She hands him the silver ribbon.
SQUIRE
Are you saying you want me to tie you up.
She tries to reach for the fondant but Squire is in the way. He smiles.
NANCY
I’ll show you how we make roses here.
He picks it up and hands it to her with a smile.
She starts on the roses.
NANCY
Your charms won’t work on me, boy.
He winks at her even though she’s too busy with the roses to notice. Then he notices the color of the ribbon she gave him is silver.
SQUIRE
I thought the ribbons were suppose to be gold.
She hides her deception.
NANCY
Nope.
He takes a look at the requisition.
SQUIRE
It says gold.
NANCY
They called to change to silver.
SQUIRE
But…
NANCY
The customer’s my neighbor.
After a moment –
SQUIRE
You da boss.
NANCY
Cordon blue schooling taught you well.
He feels the jab.
After a few moments, he finishes with the ribbon.
SQUIRE
I’ll get started on the topper.
NANCY
Made it yesterday.
He looks at the back of her head with steely eyes. She turns around, ready to confront. He lifts his shoulders and…
SQUIRE
Okay.
She’s surprised by his ease. After a few moments, she softens.
NANCY
Thank you for helping.
SQUIRE
I knew you’d come around to my charms.
NANCY
You had to ruin the moment.
Squire pulls the topper out of the refrigerator.
NANCY
Please be careful with that. It took me hours.
She places her roses on the cake.
He slides by Nancy. She’s so focussed on her roses that she doesn’t notice him a few inches away. He takes a whiff of her perfume…
SQUIRE
Mmm…
She’s startled and whips her arm around, hits him. The topper goes flying, lands on the floor, and breaks into a million pieces. He slips on one of the pieces and knocks Nancy off kilter. She tries all she can not to fall forward on the cake…
NANCY
Noooooooo.
Squire watches her in slow motion and muffles his laugh.
She can’t avoid the cake and totally destroys it. They both land on the floor with cake and fondant all over them.
At that very moment, Ralph walks into the disaster. He’s at a loss for words until…
RALPH
The ribbon’s suppose to be gold.
NANCY
I told him, but no, you insisted on him being here.
SQUIRE
It’s not her fault. She couldn’t resist my boyish charm.
She screams and an icing-wrestling match ensues. Ralph tries to break it up but gets pulled in to the icing bloodbath.
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