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Day 16 Assignments
Post your day 16 assignments here.
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10 Replies
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Re-write of QE Cycle #2 Scene — Nick & John
Logline: Co-workers/roommates, John and Nick, get into a brawl when John accuses Nick of stealing his ideas and submitting them to their boss by claiming he was the creative author.
Essence: John and Nick’s friendship, both professionally and personally, is quickly unraveling and reaches the boiling point.
INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM – DAY
John and Nick are both employed by Octopus Marketing. John has been there five years. Nick has been there only one year. John and Nick have the same title and have been working together in the same department. Because of the pandemic, their separate jobs have been turned into one job which their boss has allowed them to share. They became roommates sharing an apartment for just the past two months to save money.
They got along fine for the first six weeks, but their friendship is unraveling as jealousy and trust issues escalate to the boiling point.
JOHN
Why did you go into my room?
NICK
Why do you think I was in your room?
JOHN
My flash-drive was on my dresser this morning. I put it face down. I come home from work tonight and it’s face up.
NICK
Jesus John, that sounds like a fucking Agatha Christie mystery. The case of the upside down flash-drive.
JOHN
You have no business messing with my stuff.
Nick pretends to make a phone call on his cell.
NICK
I’m calling Sherlock Holmes. We need to get him on this case.
JOHN
You were in my room. You took my flash-drive. You read what I spent all last night writing. And if I know you, I can see you e-mailing Connie and taking credit for my creative work.
NICK
Oh, that’s rich, Johnny-Boy. You fucking kill me. I pay for the utilities, the cable, the Internet. I do the cooking, the cleaning. Shit, I even do your laundry sometimes. You pay half the rent. That’s it. I do all these things for you and you never do anything. You come home. You go to your room. You lock your door and you don’t come out ’til morning.
JOHN
I go to my room to be alone. Why do I want to be alone? Because I can’t stand being in the same room when you and Donna start pawing each other. Jesus, by halftime your practically laying on top of her.
NICK
Jealousy doesn’t flatter you, John.
JOHN
I don’t care what you and Donna do. Fuck her brains out. I really don’t care. I go to my room and lock the door because I’m sick and tired of listening to the sounds of pounding flesh.
NICK
OK. I’ll tell Donna that her moans of passion upset you. I’ll tell her that we must copulate in complete silence from now on so we don’t disturb your beauty rest.
John realizes he’s being played.
JOHN
That’s a great idea. Do that.
NICK
Done.
Silence for a few beats.
JOHN
Connie asked me to put some recommendations together. She asked me, not you.
NICK
How do you know she didn’t ask me?
JOHN
You’re the rookie. I’ve been with the company five years. You’ve been there one. I have the highest respect for Connie. She’s the best boss I’ve ever had. She likes me. I like her. She values my work. That’s why she asked me, not you.
NICK
Well guess what? She did ask me.
JOHN
I don’t believe that.
NICK
Oh, I forgot. You’re the only one in the entire department who has good ideas.
JOHN
That’s correct. Thank you.
NICK
The fair-haired boy who can do no wrong.
JOHN
You keep forgetting that one of us was going to get laid off because of the pandemic. Had I not asked Connie if we could job share, your ass would’ve been out the door. That was my idea. You owe me big time.
NICK
Really? That’s not what Connie told me. She said the job share was her idea.
JOHN
You love to re-write history, don’t you? It was her idea to approve it but the concept was mine so we could save your ass. And I’m the one who came up with the idea of dumping the consultant and contracting with Revamp Associates. Connie said that my idea was out of the box, forward thinking, and bold. Those were her exact words.
NICK
And I’m the one who implemented your ideas and made you look good. If it wasn’t for me, Einstein, your ideas would have died on the vine.
JOHN
Just answer me this. Did you take my flash-drive and did you read my report?
Long pause.
NICK
I’m done with this conversation.
Nick’s cell phone rings. He answers.
NICK (CONT’D)
(on the phone)
Hello? Yes. Connie? How are you? Yeah. Oh, living the life. John and I were just talking about you.
Nick starts to go to his room. John follows.
NICK (CONT’D)
(on the phone)
You did? Thank you. That means a lot to me. Yeah. John and I think alike on so many issues. Yeah. He’s a great guy. Great. Yeah. Glad you liked my ideas. I know exactly how to implement them too. See you tomorrow.
Nick hangs up and starts gathering his things.
NICK (CONT’D)
I’ll be at Donna’s tonight so your feathers don’t get ruffled by the sounds of primates in heat.
JOHN
You son-of-a-bitch. You bastard. You read my report, didn’t you?
John grabs Nick by the shirt collar.
JOHN (CONT’D)
You read my shit and sent my ideas to Connie as if you wrote them yourself, didn’t you?
NICK
Chill out, John. You’re not the only one with good ideas.
JOHN
You fucking bastard.
Nick pushes John away. John charges Nick and wrestles him to the ground which erupts into an all out brawl.
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Syd Burtner’s Critique of David Kandel’s rewrite — Nick and John
Hi David:
Critique of your piece below. I’d love feedback if you have a few minutes — mine is posted in Forum Day 10. (I’m posting my assignments by matching Lesson # with Day # in the Forum, i.e., Lesson 10 assignment in Day 10 Forum banner. That’s my method until someone tells me otherwise.)
Cheers, Syd
Review:
An interesting scenario — I definitely see John being Distrustful of Nick and Loyal to Connie. While he spends a lot of time in his room — you’ve actually given him a good reason, so I’m not sure he reads as a Loner. (Perhaps, Nick and his girlfriend could ask him to watch a movie with them or he brings home Chinese food and goes straight to his room — just a thought?)
As for Daring, not sure that I’m seeing that. As for John’s subtext, I’m assuming that he comes home suspecting that Nick’s stolen his work. It’s a little on the nose as written. John could be a little more crafty at tricking Nick into a confession — though it fits the requirement. (Perhaps he comes home, earlier than expected, and catch Nick emailing Connie.)
Ah Nick, definitely comes across as confident, and I guess he’s both giving and conniving by reminding John that he does all the chores. The whole scenario ends up in Nick’s subtext as the point is he’s taking advantage of John — perhaps you could show how he invited (manipulated) John into living with him so that he could take advantage of all of his work.
I liked the changes you made from the first draft — made it more effective.
Overall, well done.
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Re-write QE Cycle 3 Nancy and Squire
INT. ONE WEST BANK CONFERENCE ROOM- DAY
SQUIRE TABIBIAN, an Armenian perky 23 year old whistles to himself as he removes promotional items from the cabinets and puts them into boxes. There are many packed boxes all over the room.
NANCY (O.S.)
SQUIRE, you have a customer.
SQUIRE, ignores NANCY. And mumbles under his breath.
SQUIRE
(Mumbling under his breath)
Get your fat ass up and help her.
NANCY
(louder) SQUIRE!
SQUIRE pauses a beat, rolls his eyes upward, leaves the conference room and walks to his teller station.
INT. ONE WEST BANK- TELLER STATION
NANCY DIAZ, 28, Filipino is packing a about 30 COVID pounds, frowns at Squire and points to his teller window. She was recently promoted to Assistant Manager and was there when SQUIRE was transferred in from another location. She hates him because of his upbeat attitude and customers like him more than her.
The branch rarely has customers because signs indicate that the branch is closing in a couple of days. There are filled boxes behind each new account desk. All promotional posters have been removed leaving bare walls. A new accounts person sits in the lobby, NADIA SMALL, 35, blond and well dressed watches the customer as she is checking her watch.
ANGELICA ANDERSON, mid-thirties, short, dressed in a brown jogging suit stands at the teller
window.
SQUIRE walks up to his teller station with an admiring smile.
SQUIRE
Good morning Ms. Anderson. Wow your hair is so beautiful…I Always like to see your gorgeous face. What brings you in today?
Page 2.
ANGELICA
Thank you. I want to close my CD. I know it’s not in Grace but I need the money.
SQUIRE is looking closely at Angelica’s profile, then looks up.
SQUIRE
I can help you with this…may I see your ID.
Angelica looks resentful as she stares at SQUIRE. Then she looks over to Nancy with a summoning look. Squire is still smiling pleasantly.
ANGELICA
You know me! I’ve been a customer with this bank for over 5 years.
SQUIRE
Sorry, but it’s protocol. If I don’t, I could lose my job.
Nancy senses the tension and looks up, but doesn’t move immediately.
ANGELICA
I’m not going to give you my ID. Give me my money!!!
Nancy gets up and walks to the teller station smiling. Squire stands there still looking peaceful.
NANCY
Hello Angelica, sure, sure, no problem.
Nancy takes over the transaction as Squire looks on. Nancy begins to chat up Angelica as she waits.
SQUIRE
Hey, Nancy, you should do this one at your desk.
Nancy ignores Squire as she attempts small talk with Angelica.
NANCY
How’s your father?
ANGELICA
His Alzheimer is at a critical stage. He fell and broke is leg.
(MORE)
Page 3.
ANGELICA (CONT’D)
But that’s not the worst part. In the hospital he hit a nurse and they had to restrain him to his
bed. Some how he developed Sepsis and is organs are failing.
Angelica checks her Apple Watch. She has a text.
ANGELICA (CONT’D)
I’m on my way to visit him now.
NANCY
I’m so sorry. How would you like your cash?
ANGELICA
I don’t care, just hurry this up. The hospital just texted me about my dad. He has already coded twice.
Angelica looks tearful. Nancy looks at Squire.
NANCY
(to Squire)
This is where you override the id requirement.
She counts Angelica’s cash before she places it on the counter. Squire still holds a poised and pleasant demeanor.
NANCY (CONT’D)
1, 2, 3, 4 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, One
thousand dollars and seventy-eight cents. Will there be anything else I can help you with?
Angelica takes the money and shoots Squire a mean look.
ANGELICA
No…I Mean… Yea. Git rid of this flirty self serving teller.
Squire’s eyes drop before he walks away from the teller station and into the conference room.
Angelica turns to walk out but before she reaches the door, she turns back.
ANGELICA (CONT’D)
And I’ll be back to close my checking and money market. I’m gonna tell my family to close theirs’s
too.
Nadia looks up.
Page 4.
NADIA
I’m sorry…I would like…to apolo…
Angelica dashes, out the door before Nadia can finish. Nancy goes to the conference room anxious to scold Squire.
INT. ONE WEST BANK – CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Squire resumes packing boxes and whistling again. Nancy, irritated because he’s undaunted by the entitled customer’s behavior he has just experienced. Squire doesn’t look at Nancy as she speaks to him.
NANCY
I wont tolerate you arguing with customers…
SQUIRE
It wasn’t an argument. I was doing my job the way I was told in training. They told us you must document the ID.
NANCY
I don’t care what they told you. I’m your boss. Now we are going to lose over 500K because of your stupid ass. I hope you get fired for not charging the penalty too.
Squire looks Nancy squarely in the eyes now.
SQUIRE
You overrode the penalty and the ID? When the hammer drops, I’ll make sure they know you did this transaction at my station under my number in stead of yours. I know you did that just to get me fired. I need my job.
NANCY
Yep! I can’t stand you. Always whistling and happy with out a frickin’ care in the world.
Squire ponders a lie for Nancy to swallow.
Page 5.
SQUIRE
I have problems Nancy, I just don’t take them out on others or bring them to work…..My Uncle has stage 4 cancer and the whole family is trying to pull enough money together to take him on his dream vacation. I don’t have money to give ‘cause I just bought a new car.
NANCY
Oh. I did not know about your Uncle. I’d like to help you set up a GO FUND ME page if that’s okay with you?
Squire looks like he has just struct gold. His eyes widen.
SQUIRE
Yea, Yea. Let’s get started on it right away. What about now.
Squire opens the conference room computer to the GO FUND ME SITE. They both sit down.
End of Scene.
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Lesson 17 QE Cycle #4 Renee/Maxine Max Entertainment Part 2
I don’t know where else to post this one.
Lesson 17 Nadine Weathersby Max Entertainment Part 2
Renee and Maxine 1<sup>st</sup> scene write
Logline: Two high school friends pretend to have each other’s best interest.
Essence: Two high school friends with a secret try to stay friends instead of frenemies
Scene: Maxine invites Renee to lunch to ask her to attend the high school re-union with her but it goes south.
And now:
Scene arc: The promise confirmed to the other person discovering the secret is out
Renee Traits: Prissy, Devious, Outgoing, Conformist.
Maxine Traits: Tricky, Snobbish, Paranoid, emotionally wounded.
INT. RED LOBSTER FOYER – DAY
It’s lunch time and bustling with the noise of a lunch time crowd. Seafood smells fill the air.
RENEE WILLIS, 23, a tall brunette with a vibrant personality awaits MAXINE WILLIAMS in the lobby. Maxine also 23, snobbish, blond with piercing blue eyes walks in and looks at Renee. They both stand.
The HOSTESS, a cute African American, 18, signals for them to follow her. As the two walk with the hostess to the selected table Renee puts her arm around Maxine and they both smile before they sit. They sit across from each other in a booth that has drink menus on the table. They appear happy to see each other.
RENEE
I’m glad you could make it. I wasn’t sure you would accept my invitation.
MAXINE
I started not too…
A SERVER comes to the table interrupting Maxine.
SERVER
Here are the food Menus. I’ll be back shortly to take your orders.
MAXINE
But seeing that you are still my daughter’s God mother…Why did you choose this NO star place to meet?
RENEE
It’s close to both of us and I like the food AND because you haven’t let me see Kayden lately.
Maxine studies the menu, then looks up.
MAXINE
You’re good friends with Sarah…she can’t be trusted to hold water. You are the only one who knows that Jack is really not Kayden’s father. Did you tell anyone? I can’t stand her.
A bust Boy brings water to the table.
<br clear=”all”>
2.
RENEE
I kept trying to tell you, you shouldn’t have been sleeping with so many dudes in high school. I was always concerned about my reputation and my grades ‘cause I wanted a scholarship to, to anywhere really.
MAXINE
You still trying to pretend you are on a high horse huh? You didn’t answer my question Miss goody two shoes. You slept with as many guys as me. I forgave you for sleeping with Bob when you knew I liked him.
RENEE
You got me back for that when you pretended to help me with my Algebra homework and you got me a Fail.
Maxine takes a sip of water before she answers.
MAXINE
I was really into Bob, but he dumped me for Becky Fuller after 2 months.
Renee tries not to laugh, but has a slight smile.
RENEE
Serves your ass right…I saw them at a football game, they have a kid now.
MAXINE
Pour salt in the wound bitch.
The Server returns to their table.
SERVER
Did you see anything you like? I’m ready if your are.
She looks at Maxine first.
MAXINE
I’ll have a Martini. No food.
Renee frowns then speaks quickly.
<br clear=”all”>
3.
RENEE
I’ll have Scrimp Scampi and a Martini. Can I have two olives?
SERVER
Yes. Thank you.
The Servers jots down the order and briskly walks away.
MAXINE
Are you sure you did not tell anyone? All of a sudden JAKE is asking for a DNA test.
Renee looks out the window first, then turns back swallowing hard.
RENEE
Jake’s mother does my taxes and I ran into her in Walmart last Sunday. She kept saying that Kayden didn’t look anything at all like her son. She said she was going to call the Maury Povich show. I tried to talk her out of it. But she was firm. She accused me of knowing who the real father was because we are so close. She threatened me to report me to IRS for using my cousin’s kid who’s on welfare for a deduction.
The Server brings their orders and places them on the table. Maxine’s face is red with anger. The Server notices and walks away quickly.
MAXINE
Fuck! I hate you! Your devious ass will pay for this. I’m going to call IRS on you Bitch!
Maxine stands up and takes a sip of the Martini.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
I’m not going on Maury; I’ll lose my child support!
Renee looks calm and directly at her.
RENEE
I wish you would. My cell phone is out here for a reason… I hope you and I can mend fences and go to the high school re-union together.
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4.
MAXINE
Hell no! And you get the bill, bye Felicia!
She storms out. Renee clicks the record button to “off’ on her cell phone and begins to eat.
END of Scene.
Rewrite#2 where I gave Maxine the trait of jealousy:
INT. RED LOBSTER FOYER – DAY
It’s lunch time and bustling with the noise of a lunch time crowd. Seafood smells fill the air.
RENEE WILLIS, 23, a tall brunette with a vibrant personality awaits MAXINE WILLIAMS in the lobby. Maxine also 23, snobbish, blond with piercing blue eyes walks in and looks at Renee. They both stand.
The HOSTESS, a cute African American, 18, signals for them to follow her. As the two walk with the hostess to the selected table Renee puts her arm around Maxine and they both smile before they sit. They sit across from each other in a booth that has drink menus on the table. They appear happy to see each other.
RENEE
I’m glad you could make it. I wasn’t sure you would accept my invitation.
MAXINE
I started not too…
A SERVER comes to the table interrupting Maxine.
SERVER
Here are the food Menus. I’ll be back shortly to take your orders.
MAXINE
But seeing that you are still my daughter’s God mother…Why did you choose this NO star place to meet?
RENEE
It’s close to both of us and I like the food AND because you haven’t let me see Kayden lately.
Maxine studies the menu, then looks up.
MAXINE
You’re good friends with Sarah…she can’t be trusted to hold water. You are the only one who knows that Jack is really not Kayden’s father. Did you tell anyone? I can’t stand her.
A bust Boy brings water to the table.
<br clear=”all”>
2.
RENEE
I kept trying to tell you, you shouldn’t have been sleeping with so many dudes in high school. I was always concerned about my reputation and my grades ‘cause I wanted a scholarship to, to anywhere really.
MAXINE
You still trying to pretend you are on a high horse huh? You didn’t answer my question Miss goody two shoes. You slept with as many guys as me. I forgave you for sleeping with Bob when you knew I liked him. I wanted to be the one that he chose for prom, not you. *(jealousy)
RENEE
You got me back for that when you pretended to help me with my Algebra homework and you got me a Fail.
Maxine takes a sip of water before she answers.
MAXINE
I was really into Bob, but he dumped me for Becky Fuller after 2 months.
Renee tries not to laugh, but has a slight smile.
RENEE
Serves your ass right…I saw them at a football game, they have a kid now.
MAXINE
Pour salt in the wound bitch.
The Server returns to their table.
SERVER
Did you see anything you like? I’m ready if you are.
She looks at Maxine first pauses then she looks to Renee.
MAXINE
I’ll have a Martini. No food.
Renee frowns then speaks quickly.
<br clear=”all”>
3.
RENEE
I’ll have Scrimp Scampi and a Martini. Can I have two olives?
SERVER
Yes. Thank you.
The Servers jots down the order and briskly walks away.
MAXINE
Are you sure you did not tell anyone? All of a sudden JAKE is asking for a DNA test.
Renee looks out the window first, then turns back swallowing hard.
RENEE
Jake’s mother does my taxes and I ran into her in Walmart last Sunday. She kept saying that Kayden didn’t look anything at all like her son. She said she was going to call the Maury Povich show. I tried to talk her out of it. But she was firm. She accused me of knowing who the real father was because we are so close. She threatened me to report me to IRS for using my cousin’s kid who’s on welfare for a deduction.
The Server brings their orders and places them on the table. Maxine’s face is red with anger. The Server notices and walks away quickly.
MAXINE
Fuck! I hate you! Your devious ass will pay for this. I’m going to call IRS on you myself Bitch!
Maxine stands up and takes a sip of the Martini.
MAXINE (CONT’D)
I’m not going on Maury; I’ll lose my child support!
Renee looks calm and directly at her.
RENEE
I wish you would. My cell phone is out here for a reason… I hope you and I can mend fences and go to the high school re-union together.
<br clear=”all”>
4.
MAXINE
Hell no! And you get the bill, bye Felicia!
She storms out. Renee clicks the record button to “off’ on her cell phone and begins to eat.
END of Scene.
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Lesson 20
Nadine Weathersby Character Relationships
What I learned doing this assignment is that the interactions of my characters and their relationships must have rapport, conflict and contrast to create a dynamic of interest.
In my script I looked Michael, Veronica, Mrs. Saterfield, and Mr. Saterfield. I elevated the conflict, and resolved their rapport.
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LESSON 23, NADINE WEATHERSBY – MAX ENTERTAINMENT TECHNIQUES (CHARACTER RELATIONSHIPS REVEALS. NEW MAX INTEREST)
LOGLINE: PHILLIP SUSPECTS BRANDY HAS HURT THEIR CHILD, BUT TAKES THE RAP.
ESSENCE: The truth doesn’t always set you free.
Scene description here: Phillips knows Brandy is stressed out because he’s not there for her. He protects Brandy in their baby’s death.
Scene Arc: Brandy is deceptive about when the baby shows signs of trauma on Mother’s day.
INT. ST. JOSEPH’S HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM – DAY
It’s 7:00 AM, BRANDY WILLIAMS, 17, Pretty with blond hair and bright blue eyes looks worried as she paces the floor. Momentarily, a DOCTOR, middle aged with thinning hair, comes in to speak to Brandy.
DOCTOR
Miss Williams, we ran a lot of tests on your son. I’m sorry to have to deliver this news…Joshua is brain dead.
Brandy stares in to space never showing any emotion. The doctor studies her face.
DOCTOR
Did you hear me? Your son is brain dead. Where is his father?
Brandy seems to snap out of her trance.
BRANDY
He’s at home. When I left he was asleep.
The Doctor looks shocked, but remains professional in his tone.
DOCTOR
You need to call him now and get him here. It’s urgent…a decision has to be made.
Brandy takes her cell phone out. The doctor leaves the room. Momentarily, PHILLIP answer groggily.
PHILLIP (PHONE VOICE)
Yea, I mean Hello. Where are you?
Brandy feigns emotion.
BRANDY
At the hospital I need you here, get here now.
PHILLIP (PHONE VOICE)
Hospital? Why?
BRANDY
Joshua, I mean…When I woke up Joshua wasn’t acting right. He wasn’t crying like his usual self. He was making gurgling noises. I rushed him out to Emergency here at St. Joseph’s…
INT. BRANDY AND PHILLIP’S APARTMENT – DAY
PHILLIP, 19, short and unattractive looks like he is on the verge of collapse as he sits on the edge of the bed crying.
PHILLIP
Why didn’t you wake me? It’s all my work hours. I know I’ve bee slack in helping you… I know he cries a lot and I’m so tired, but you should have woke me… I’m on my way.
EXT. DRIVEWAY OF BRANDY AND PHILLIP’S APT COMPLEX – DAY
Phillip’s rushes out of the home and speeds away.
INT. ST. JOSEPH’S HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM – DAY
Brandy sits in the waiting room playing “Angry Bird’s” on her phone. Phillips rushes over to her. When she hears his footsteps approaching, she quickly closes an app and looks up. Phillip wipes tears from his eyes before he speaks.
PHILLIP
Hey, what did the doctors say.
He sits down next to Brandy.
BRANDY
He said that he has a brain bleed…
Phillips looks shocked and stared Brandy directly in the face.
PHILLIP
What? How? He was fine. What did you do?
BRANDY
I, I, I did nothing. When we returned from my mom’s, I noticed he was sleepy. I tried to feed him but he wouldn’t take his bottle. I knew I had to apply for that teen internship job at Kroger so I got on the computer and…
The Doctor approaches with a concerned expression. They both look up.
DOCTOR
Are you the dad?
Phillips stands and extends his hand. The Doctor shakes it briefly.
PHILLIP
Yes Sir, I mean, Doctor..
The Doctor cuts him off.
DOCTOR
I have to be straight with you and Brandy. Your son has shaken baby syndrome. Whose care was he in?
Phillip tears up.
PHILLIP
Ah, my wife’s during the morning. I work long hours at the factory and after they came back from visiting her Mom for Mother’s day, she left him with me. She laid him in the bassinette. I watched some basketball games until I crashed. He was in his bassinette beside the bed next to me. I looked over at Joshua..he was sleep, so I fell back to sleep.
BRANDY
He was sleeping when I looked at him too. So I got on the computer. I applied for the TV show “Teen Moms” so I was checking to see if I made it.
PHILLIP
I told you NO! I don’t want our business in public. You need to pay more attention to the family.
The Doctor grows impatient.
DOCTOR
We also discovered some old injuries to your son. We have called DCS and reported these findings and the Police are on their way.
Brandy looks scared.
BRANDY
I’m a good mom…
PHILLIP
You have been a good mom and…
Before he can finish, TWO POLICE OFFICERS, Young, looking very stiff, arrive in the waiting room. The Doctor signals for them to come to the couple. The 1st POLICEMAN makes no introduction and gets right to the point of their visit. He is very stern in his speech.
1ST POLICE OFFICER
Whose care was you son in?
PHILLIP
Mine Sir, they…I mean Joshua and Brandy went to visit her Mother earlier, he was fussy during the night.
Brandy looks a bit relieved, almost smiling. The 2nd Officer turns to look at the 1st Officer then looks at Phillip.
2ND POLICE OFFICER
Your Son is brain dead. Stand up, you have to come with us down to the station.
Phillip looks at Brandy who tries to look distraught. The Police officers put Phillip in handcuffs and take him out of the hospital to a police car in front of the hospital.
INT. BRANDY AND PHILLIP’S APARTMENT
Brandy and her Best friend JESSICA, a red headed 17 year old are having drinks and snacks while RAP music plays in the background.
BRANDY
Thanks again girl for your advise. I finally got rid of his manipulative, controlling ass. He wanted me pregnant so I could get welfare and food stamps so he wouldn’t have to work… but he found out it wasn’t that easy and had to get a job. I can have another baby I’m still young.
They hold their drinks up to a toast.
JESSICA
Serves him right.
END of Scene.
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LEESSON 26 MAX ENTERTAINMENT CYCLE 6 FINAL LESSON
Nadine Weathersby
Logline: Carley’s spending during the pandemic creates a fire storm with her husband Marcus.
Essence: We all have issues to forgive and embrace unconditional love.
INT. CARLEY AND MARCUS BEDROOM – NIGHT
CARLEY, 24, African American, short with medium brown skin and dark piercing eyes, stands at the
dresser putting on moisturizer. She sees MARCUS lying back on the bed staring at her through the
mirror.
MARCUS, 26,African American, tall and handsome hears an alert on his phone. He sits up and starts
checking his phone.
MARCUS
What!That’s all we have left to spend on the Capital One Card!
CARLEY
This Pandemic is hard enough… I just wish you would stop trippin’
Marcus sifts his body and is now sitting on the side of the bed.
MARCUS
Let me get this straight, you want me to stop asking you to stop sending us to the poor house?
Carley looks down at the clusters of products, perfumes, oils, and jewelry. She finds a lavender
oil and dabs it onto her neck.
CARLEY
This is the best essential oil I’ve found on Amazon…You are going to love it too.
Marcus turns completely around grimacing as he tries to control his anger.
MARCUS
This is serious Carley. You must stop spending or we can move in with my mom.
2.
Carley whips around to look directly at Marcus.
CARLEY
Now you know that won’t work. She hates me. She never thought I was good enough for you. She
criticizes everything I do.
Marcus stands.
MARCUS
(loudly)
I am sorry you think that, but don’t try to play the victim. This is about your spending.
Carley vies for another approach.
CARLEY
I love you Babe, and she can see that.
MARCUS
(Impatiently)
Don’t keep changing the subject. I just barely made the cut to not be put on furlough.
Carly moves closer to Marcus and confidently defends her habit of addiction.
CARLEY
But I did and I’m stuck here all day, no friends can visit, my mother lives in Atlanta…we have no
kids…what the hell do you want me to do, masterbate all day?
Marcus looks shocked, but regains command.
MARCUS
I am sorry but you leave me no choice. Looks like I will have to call all the credit card
companies and suspend the cards.
Carly looks fearful, but seeks to regain the command. She holds up her ring finger and taunts him
with a “Miss America Wave” gesture.
CARLEY
Remember, you liked it so you put a ring on it.
3.
MARCUS
You weren’t an addict to Amazon Prime then.
Carly softens, as she realizes that her evasive tactics aren’t going to work. She walks up to
Marcus who’s still trying to remain firm reaches and for his hand. His face softens as the
intensity of the love in his heart conflicts with his logic. Carley stares directly into Marcus’
eyes.
CARLEY
Ok, ok, if the pandemic doesn’t end soon…(happily) I’ll need a hobby… one outdoors and
pandemic safe.
Marcus puts his arm around Carly.
MARCUS
Close your eyes. Imagine walking on the beach smelling the ocean, watching the sandpipers.
Carley looks delighted and sniffs the air. She slowly opens her eyes.
CARLEY
I see it. I smell it. And I see dolphins.
Marcus is smiling.
MARCUS
I put in for vacation and booked us a 5 day stay in Cancun. We can fly, we both been vaccinated.
Carley kisses Marcus passionately. He responds briefly, then holding her at the shoulders he
pushes her away to stare deeply into her eyes.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
I was serious about us moving in with my mother.
He gazes at her response. She doesn’t speak.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
Psyche! I got you!
They both laugh.
4.
CARLEY
I get it. I will only buy household needs, deal?
Marcus looks away as he ponders his answer, then looks back at here smiling.
Deal!
MARCUS CARLEY
I love you so much bae. When do we leave?
MARCUS
Next weekend. It was supposed to be a surprise that I was going to tell you on your birthday
Friday.
Carley smiles with delight and kisses Marcus.
CARLEY
You seem to always know just what I need and when I need it.
MARCUS
I prayed for a Soul mate and you showed up. But I’m going to send you to spending Anonymous!
Carly pulls back to read his expression.
CARLY
Are you serious?
Marcus tackles Carley to the bed. The passion takes them to that synergy that attracted them to
each other initially.
They feel a sense of knowing that the relationship is in the corrected. Only Moans and groans are
heard now.
End of Scene
-
Rebecca Sukle’s QE Cycle #3 Scene edited for feedback exchange, Nancy and Squire
Scavenger Hunt.
LOG-LINE: Squire and Nancy, paired as a biker team, must work together to find the golden egg, their passport to financial freedom, and after meeting other challenges are now near their goal.
ESSENCE: Both Squire and Nancy want to find the golden egg first and keep it for themself.
SCENE: CHICKEN COOP – EARLY MORNING BEFORE DAYLIGHT.
After meeting other challenges of the hunt, Squire and Nancy, arrive two hours before daylight. The last clue reads, “Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.” Squire wears a headlamp, Nancy holds a small pen flashlight. Squire looks around the hen house at the roosting chickens.
SQUIRE
Help me chase them out of here.
NANCY
I take it you’ve never been attacked by a chicken.
Squire takes on a tough guy stance.
SQUIRE
Bring them on.
NANCY
Shhh! Never disturb a roosting hen who lays the golden egg.
SQUIRE
Ok, farm girl what do you have in mind?
Squire’s headlamp illuminates Nancy who looks smoking hot in her biking leather. His eyes caress her best assets from top to bottom.
NANCY
Turn that thing off.
Squire complies and moves in closer. Nancy pushes him out of her space, turns on her penlight, and aims it toward the bottom of a nest. She she gently gropes under the chicken, grabs an egg, looks at it, and replaces it.
NANCY
Just an egg. Anyway city boy, that’s how it’s down. As you can see the hen still sleeps. How gentle is your touch?
Nancy aims the light at his face. He grins.
SQUIRE
Oh baby, let me show you.
Nancy moves her light to illuminate the base of the next nest.
NANCY
Ok, Romeo, your turn.
Squire squirms as he slips his hand under the sleeping hen and gropes underneath. He quickly pulls it out; the chicken cackles.
NANCY
Gentle, slow. If she cackles again she could wake up the flock.
SQUIRE
Nothing there.
Nancy moves on to the next nest, gently burrows under, pulls out an egg, and replaces it. She moves back to the nest that Squire checked, reaches in, gropes gently, pulls out an egg, and holds it in front of his face.
NANCY
What do you call this?
SQUIRE
An egg.
A dark cloud moves away from in front of the moon and gentle light illuminates the coop through the large window.
NANCY
Look a full moon.
Nancy hands her pen light to Squire.
NANCY
Here use this. The moonlight works for me.
Squire runs the light up and down her body.
SQUIRE
Kind of romantic isn’t it?
NANCY
Not really. I’m standing in a smelly chicken coop with you.
SQUIRE
Right, just like I said, romantic.
NANCY
Search for the egg before the time runs out and the sun comes up. Remember, gentle as possible so not to wake the hens.
Squire and Nancy search each nest and come up empty. Nancy rechecks Squire’s nests as he watches. He frowns and begins to recheck the ones that Nancy did. A hen squawks, Squire curses and leaps back, bumping into another nest.
SQUIRE
That bitch bit me.
NANCY
Hen, Squire, hen.
The second chicken attacks Squire’s back side. He turns and takes a swipe at the hen. The hen’s wings flare up, her feet aim for his face, and she squawks loud enough to wake the dead. Squire cover’s his eyes and stumbles into another box. His headlamp falls off and he drops the pen light. The other hens get restless like there’s a fox in the henhouse. Several more peck at Squire.
NANCY
Now you went and did dumb-ass.
Nancy grabs the pen light and headlamp, turns it on, flashes it at the attacking chickens, and pulls Squire to safety. Nancy turns out the light. They hide behind some stacked crates. Another cloud darkens the moon.
SQUIRE
(Whispering)
They got me good; drew blood. God damned chickens. My face stings, my hand hurts.
Nancy dabs his face with her shirt cuff.
NANCY
Ok poor baby, I warned you. Good thing you wore your biking leather.
SQUIRE
You have a gentle touch.
He strokes her hand. The hens settle down. Squire puts his lips seductively to Nancy’s ear.
SQUIRE
(Whispering)
The nests turned up empty. Read that clue again.
Nancy turns her face towards him, their lips inches apart.
NANCY
(Low volume)
Find the golden egg before the sun comes up, while the hens sit on their nest.
SQUIRE
But the nests are empty.
NANCY
Perhaps, the egg isn’t under the roosting chickens.
Squire moves in closer
SQUIRE
What if you found it first? Would you let me know?
He kisses Nancy and runs his hands up and down her body. Nancy feels a lump under his leather. She reaches in; he moans. She pulls out the golden egg and rushes away knocking over the crates. The chickens shriek, cackle, their wings flutter.
Squire tackles Nancy.
SQUIRE
It’s mine.
Nancy squirms away.
NANCY
I want it. I need it.
Squire grabs her arm and the egg flies into the battling chickens. A shotgun blast outside. Squire grabs Nancy, kisses and pushes her away. He dives into the fury of chickens. A farmer bursts into the hen house, his headlamp illuminates Squire. He aims his gun first at Squire and then Nancy. Nancy spies and grabs the egg before rolling behind the tumbled crates. She notices the egg covered in gold foil and rips it off. Inside the foil is a tape with numbers. Nancy crumples it and stuffs it in her bra.
FARMER
God-damned chicken thieves. I should shoot the both of you.
SQUIRE
Hey brother, we are not chicken thieves, just an amorous couple looking for privacy.
FARMER
In my chicken coop?
Nancy steps out from the crates holding the egg behind her back. She saunters beside Squire.
NANCY
Please don’t shoot. We’re only looking for the golden egg.
FARMER
My chickens don’t lay golden eggs.
SQUIRE
My friend is just embarrassed. If you burst in a few minutes later…oh boy.
Sally shoots a “really” look.
FARMER
You some kind of pervert? In a chicken house?
SQUIRE
Just look at her.
The farmer turns his head and lamp towards Nancy.
SQUIRE
Check out that face, those eyes, soft lips begging to be kissed.
Nancy stands like a deer in the headlights.
SQUIRE
Move on down to that luscious body encased in soft leather.
The farmer’s light moves downward. The shotgun droops. With the speed of light, Squire moves in and grabs the shotgun away from the farmer’s hands and aims it at him.
SQUIRE
If you value your life, go back to your house and stay there for at least a half an hour. I’ll leave the gun in the corner. I need that woman and I need her now.
FARMER
Perverts.
He makes a quick departure.
NANCY
Did you mean any of what you just said? A half an hour?
SQUIRE
Do you care?
Nancy moves in close, places the egg in Squire’s hand. She pulls the penlight from her leather pocket and shines it on the egg. Squire rolls it around.
SQUIRE
It looks like gold painted lead.
Squire hands it back to Nancy and retrieves his headlamp. The soft glow of first light enters the coop. He turns the lamp on and studies the egg in Nancy’s palm.
SQUIRE
I’m done; let’s go. I know of a motel down the road where we can take a hot shower and…
NANCY
(Purring)
I know a better place.
OS – Sound of motorcycles that soon stops.
Two bikers in jeans and leather jackets burst into the coop. One with a handgun, the other wielding a knife. The short biker sporting a Dali mustache and goatee pockets his knife when he spies shotgun. He aims it at the couple. The taller biker with long hair and BUSHY BEARD replaces the handgun to the holster at his hip.
BUSHY BEARD
Hand it over.
SQUIRE
Hand over what?
BUSHY BEARD
That egg you’re holding. It belongs to us.
Nancy passes the egg to Squire. Squire turns his headlight to shine on the egg as he hands it to Bushy Beard.
BUSHY BEARD
What the hell is this? It looks like gold painted lead.
NANCY
That’s all we found. The egg might still be in one of the nests. You need to find it before the sun comes up so there’s not much time.
The man with the Dali mustache shoots the shotgun into the roof of the coop. The startled chickens rise up, flap wings, and stir up dust. The two bikers rush the bedlam of feathers and dust towards the nests. The chickens attack. Dali mustache screams.
Nancy and Squire slip out the door.
O. S.
The sounds of two motorcycles speeding away to the wail of approaching police sirens.
-
Lesson 16: QE Cycle #3: Re-Write this Scene
ASSIGNMENT:
SUBJECT: Monica’s QE Cycle #3 – Re-Write this Scene
SITUATION: Two people who don’t trust each other are teamed up to do a job.
SCENE ARC: From: being forced together to: making a total mess out of the situation.
NANCY
Traits
– Confrontational
– Stubborn
– Scheming
– Caring
Subtext: Nancy is a scheming lady who is covertly competitive with peers.
SQUIRE
Traits
– Evasive
– Selfish
– Happy-go-lucky
– Seductive
Subtext: Squire is a seductive guy who uses his charm to control others.
LOGLINE: The Galactic Alliance has decided to intervene in the human civilization on Earth and must choose the leader of the invasion.
ESSENCE: In order to save the planet Earth and the galaxy, difficult decisions must be made.
SCENE:
INT. OFFICE OF HIGH COMMAND – DAY
NANCY, blue skin, blonde hair, a beautiful Nordic alien, stares out at space from the observation deck of the Office of High Command. She surreptitiously observes the other candidates in the room through the glass. All passable commanders but none as good as her. She has intel on all of them. Deciding to use that intel, she turns away from the glass. Glides towards her first victim. (Nancy Sub-text)
The doors swish open and all heads turn towards it. In struts a whistling SQUIRE, roguishly handsome, even if he is from Centarii. Squire stops and looks around the room. He winks at one of the commanders sitting against the wall. Flicks his long, black hair back. Continues into the room. He’s accompanied by his personal robotic assistant, Robbie. (Seductive/Squire sub-text)
Nancy stops mid-glide and changes direction towards Squire. She impedes his progress by planting herself, legs splayed, in front of him.
Squire
Well, well, well. Escaped did you. (Happy-go-lucky/Mystery)
He tries to go around her. She mimics his actions. (Evasive)
Nancy
I swore I’d kill you the next time I saw you.
(she grabs Squire by the front of his shirt)
Leaving me on Draco to face the Lizards by myself. (Confrontational/Creating a future)
Squire
You weren’t exactly by yourself. You had your entire crew with you. Besides what could I have done? Serves you right being somewhere you shouldn’t have been. (Selfish)
Nancy throws him away from her.
Nancy
They’ve sworn to kill you too. So before I do everybody a favour….what are you doing here? (Confrontational)
Squire
(looks at his nails)
High Command selected me for an interview to lead the invasion. And who better really, I can get anyone to do anything for me. From what I hear those Terrans are so full of themselves they won’t believe what’s happening until it’s too late. (Selfish/Seductive)
Nancy
That’s NOT the mission. You have to ferry the different factions of their civilization to their new home planets. You can’t leave anyone behind. That takes organizational skills. Something you don’t have. (Caring)
Squire
Ah darlin’…
He runs his finger down her cheek. She swats his hand away. (Seductive)
Squire
I don’t need organizational skills when I have…(Happy-go-lucky)
Squire holds out his hand. The robot assistant slaps a thin tablet onto it.
Squire
See, Robbie here, has created a program. Downloaded all the Terran information and presto made all the arrangements for each and every Terran and their assortment of animals. All going to the right planet.
(beat)
When High Command sees this, who do you think they’re going to choose? (Anticipatory dialogue and something unseen – High Command)
Nancy
I think they’ll choose Robbie and somebody more qualified to lead. Like me. Who has led several successful campaigns throughout the Galaxy. Not you.
(beat)
Why did you leave me on Draco?
Squire
That was your fault. (Selfish)
Nancy
It’s never your fault is it? Who’d you sleep with? Nerrsa? (Stubborn?)
Squire
That’s Queen Nerrsa to you.
Nancy arches a brow when Squire saunters over to the observation deck. She follows him. Stands slightly behind him. In his ear she whispers….
Nancy
How’d that even work?
Squire shrugs.
Squire
Where there’s a will there’s a way.
Nancy
Well you won’t be able to sleep with anyone here to get your way. These are all highly evolved beings with impeccable integrity. Unlike Queen Nerrsa. (Scheming/Something unseen)
From the other side of the room doors swish open. An eight foot robotic assistant points to Nancy and Squire who turn to follow.
Squire
There’s always someone to sleep with. You could probably use a romp or two. Might loosen you up. I’m available. If you ever want to sample what everyone in the Galaxy raves about. (Seductive)
Nancy
The only thing being raved about in the Galaxy is when you’ll drop dead from all the diseases you’ve picked up.
(beat)
Besides when was the last time High Command allowed a Centarii to lead anything?
Don’t be too disappointed when I’m chosen. You can’t help it you’re a shape-shifting toad. (Uncomfortable moment/Stubborn)
Squire snorts. Flicks out his long, toady tongue and licks Nancy’s cheek from head to jaw.
Nancy grabs the tongue and starts to pull. (Uncomfortable moment)
Nancy
You’ve used that one, one too many times Centarii. And from what I understand, once your tongue is captured you can’t shape-shift. So you listen to me…(Mystery/Creating a future)
Nancy yanks on Squire’s tongue to face her.
Nancy
If you ever want use of this tongue again, if you ever want to get off this station, you’ll pull out of the competition. Or I’ll space you out of one of the vents on this space station. (Scheming and Confrontational/Anticipatory Dialogue)
INT. BOARDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Seated around a circular table are seven members of the galactic high command. The different alien races are represented. Nancy and Squire glide to the centre of the circular table and stand on a slightly raised dais. Squire keeps exercising his tongue to undo the damage Nancy did to it.
A tall, white, skinny being with long silver hair, wearing a blue robe stands.
Being
We’ve been reviewing your records. And observing your behavior in the observation lounge. You two are a disgrace to your position.
(beat)
I know Pleiadian’s and Centarii’s don’t have much in common, but your feud is causing a rift in the Alliance. You have three days to mend your relationship or neither of you will be going on this mission. Do I make myself clear?
Nancy/Squire
Yes.
Being
However, we’ve reviewed Robbie’s data and find it flawless. So Robbie will be going on the mission.
Nancy
(interrupting)
That’s not fair. I’m by far the best commander than half those fools out in the waiting area. I can see why you don’t want Squire, because the last time we were on a mission together he sold me out to the Lizards. (Betrayal)
(beat)
The Terrans are going to be confused and scared. The last thing they need is this lothario selling their souls to him. But me, I’m only concerned about their welfare and getting them safely to their new planet. I am the only one who can take care of them and get them safely to where they’re going. (Caring/Stubborn)
Being
Be that as it may, you’re not being chosen as the leader.
Nancy
What?! Why?! Because of him? I am the best you have. (Stubborn)
Being
Because of both of you. Can’t be having the Terrans thinking the rest of intelligent life in the Universe is just like them. You’ll wait for my final decision. And, you are to report to Dr. Finney, if you want to be re-considered as support crew.
(beat)
Dismissed.
Nancy and Squire glide out of the room. Once the doors swish shut, Nancy rounds on Squire. She pushes him up against the wall.
Nancy
Before you showed up, I was the go-to person on important missions like this.
Squire
Let me go.
Nancy
I warned you.
Nancy pushes a panel. It opens. She looks Squire straight in the eye. Then pushes a button. The door behind Squire opens. Nancy throws him in. Then pushes another button to close the door. (Creating a future)
Nancy
Let’s see you get out of this one, shape-shifter.
Nancy glides away. Squire bangs on the panel. (Cliffhanger/Dilemma)
Voice
(O.S)
There is a one minute delay….60, 59, 58….
-
Hi Monica,
Great work, creative, interesting. I like how you balanced dialog with action. You showed a number of traits of both characters not only through dialog but action (body language, movement, expression) and managed to use many maximum interest techniques. You also managed to abide by the scene arc. You might add a little more subtext to elevate even more and remember to do all caps on dialog names consistently throughout the scene. I love how you used your imagination.
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