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Day 16 Assignments
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Ed Lusk – OUTLINE VERSION 1
Title: Gift Exchange Hell
Logline – A group of snowed in ski resort guests participate in a deadly gift exchange hosted by a demented Krampus and his evil partner, Saint Nicholas.
Horror Outline:
1- INT. SKI RESORT – LOBBY – NIGHT
Eccentric strangers arrive. A man, long hair, scraggy beard, all in black, long coat and top hat. He is KRAMPUS, in disguise. His evil partner, SAINT NICHOLAS, red fur coat, white fur collar, gold walking stick, alpine style hat. They have no reservations.
HORROR SITUATION
Unnerving character – Two guest, Krampus and Nicholas, arrive looking out of the ordinary.
Apprehension – Lodge manager feels threatened. Something is off.
Dread – they won’t go away easily.
Creepy Moment – Krampus removes glasses – glowing yellow eyes.
Release – It appears they going to give up and leave.
Terror – Nicholas kills the manager using his staff like a spear.
2- INT. CHARLOTTE AIRPORT – DAY
Teen, AVA, her parents, MIKE and LINDA, race for the gate, Ava lags behind, too cool to run. Frustration boils over, Ava curses her parents for being so nerdy. This is the RODAK Family.
3- INT. AIR PLANE – DAY.
The Rodak family fly to Burlington VT. It is bumpy flight.
HORROR SITUATION
Flying on a small commuter plane in a blizzard
Anxiety – will the plane crash?
Scares – one engine dies. Plane plummets.
Panic – we’re going to crash.
Release – Engine restarts – plane regain control
4 – EXT. BURLINGTON AIRPORT – SHUTTLE BUS – DAY
Already on board gay couple, JAMES & MICHAEL argue. Enter, REVEREND GENE, scholar/expert in pagans. The bus is just about to depart, the Rodaks get on too.
A SHERIFF warns a Nor Easter will shut down the ski lodge. They be trapped for days.
5- EXT. ROAD – SHUTTLE BUS – DAY
The travel guide falls off the bus into a ravine. Guests agree to go on. Vacation time and weather getting worse. The driver will take care of it on the way back. They all feel guilty, except Ava.
6- INT. SKI LODGE – NIGHT
The guest from the shuttle bus check in. Nicholas is behind the lobby counter. He hands out room keys and invitations addressed to guests.
7- INT. GUEST ROOM – JAMES & MICHAEL – NIGHT
Unpacking – read the invitation – to a, “To Die For” arrival party in the bar tonight. Odd Christmas message. But it is open bar.
8- INT. GUEST ROOM – RODAKS – NIGHT
More arguing, Ava’s not going to the party. Fine. Also there’s no cell service. At least there’s Netflix.
9- INT. GUEST ROOM – REVEREND GENE – NIGHT
Gene examines the invitation with great interest. Smells the paper. He compares the handwriting to some reference in a text. He looks concerned.
10 – INT. SKI LODGE – BAR – NIGHT
The guest have assembled, Michael, James, Gene, Mike, Linda & TINA, the bar tender, complains to anyone who will listen on multiple topics . Krampus and Nicholas hold court. At this time they appear as eccentric, charming gentleman, serving as hosts.
Krampus notes Ava, is missing. She needs to be present. Mike, protests, but something sinister in Krampus’s request says he better go get her.
11 – INT. SKI LODGE – LOBBY – NIGHT
Guest and staff assemble. There’s a big Christmas tree with presents under it. Krampus and Nicholas explain they’re here for a gift exchange – with one catch the gifts contain a present to be used in killing off another guest.
Nicholas reveals that he knows each of them holds a terrible secret. A secret that needs retribution for. James blurts out about the shuttle bus accident. Nicholas appreciates the confession but that’s not it.
Krampus assures them, they will shout out their secret to save their souls. It might work, it might not.
Tina makes for the door. Nicholas walking stick, transforms into a bishops staff, with a hook on the end. It telescopes around her neck. It tightens, she turns blue as she dragged back into the room. She’s the first to go.
12- INT. BAR – NIGHT
TIna drinks her troubles away. She reaches under the bar, finds a revolver and tucks it away. The lobby clock strikes 7 bells.
13- INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
The guest assemble for the 7 o’clock killing. Tina’s the victim. But by who’s gift?
They all turn to the bar where Tina, emerges, drunk. Looking defeated. Linda pleads for this to end now. Mike tries to intervene. Krampus sends him sailing against the wall.
Tina pulls the gun, rather than pointing it at Michael she empties the gun, firing at Nicholas and Krampus. No effect. Laugh it off. Krampus call on Michael to deliver his “Gift”
HORROR SITUATION
Tina the bar tenders going to be killed by a guest.
Surprise – Tina can’t believe their intentions – joke right?
Suspense – what’s the gift for killing. By who?
Shock – Michael’s going to be the killer
Release – Mike or Michael? Krampus and Nicholas argue over the screw up.
Release – Tina confesses she’s been steeling from the bar. Saved?
Panic – James tries to escape. BF, Michael, will kill Tina.
Terror – Michaels gift to Tina is death by a hedge trimmer. It’s messy.
Creepy Moment – the lights go off.
14 – INT. GUEST ROOM – JAMES & MICHAEL – NIGHT
James is a wreck, Micheal’s surprised by the feeling of power of murder. Is this Michael’s secret?
15 – INT. GUEST ROOM – THE RODAKS – NIGHT
Linda believes reasoning with these strangers will get them out of this. Ava trying to convince them this some prank for social media. Just wait and see. It sounds reasonable, give the situation. But still, are they with psychopaths?
16 – INT. GENE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Reverend Gene, anxious, is flipping through pages of his pagan text books. Pictures of Krampus and Saint Nicholas escapades, flip over the pages.
17 – INT. MEAT LOCKER – NIGHT
Gene and Michael carry Tina into the meat locker. Gene tells Michael there is a chance of defeating them but it’s risky. Michael recommends overpowering them. Gene dismissed that idea. They can’t be taken, at least not alive.
18 – INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Krampus flings Gene at the fireplace. He’s held near the flame long enough to suffer for his planned betrayal. Krampus announces we shall gift exchange again at 8 Bells.
Krampus , invites Michael to join him for a drink, since he killed the bar tender he’ll have to mix drinks.
19 – INT. GUEST ROOM – THE RODAKS – NIGHT
There’s a knock, Reverend Gene at the door. Linda tends to his burns. Gene learns of the air plane incident. Ava freaks out that she is to blame for Krampus & Nicholas being here.
Gene discusses a plan with Mike for killing Saint Nicholas, he’s not as strong as Krampus, Nicholas is only the messenger essentially. They work together as a pair.
20 – INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Susie sits nervously. She’s alone. Michael , Krampus, Nichols arrive. No one else is here. The clock strikes eight. Krampus tortures Susie, her screams bring down the others from their rooms. Gene is the next victim since he’s a traitor. The Gift is FROM Mike TO Gene.
HORROR SITUATION
Gene is about to be killed by Mike.
Anxiety – how will Gene be killed?
Shock – the killing gift is a cross bow.
Suspense – Mike will get one shot from the second story landing.
Unnerving character – Father and husband about to be a killer
Release – Mike misses Gene but kills Nicholas (accident?) instead. The 8 PM killing rule is satisfied.
Terror – Nicholas disembodies , piece by piece he departs through the fireplace and up the flue.
21 – INT. SKI PRO OFFICE – NIGHT
Ava, Linda and Susie are in the office. Susie reveals there’s a way to get to the ski lift shed and down the mountain – but the person has to be small – like Ava. She protests but Linda convinces Ava she must risk it.
22 – INT. BASEMENT – UTILITY ROOM – NIGHT
Ava, Linda and Susie hatch an escape plan for AVA.
23 – INT. JAMES & MICHEAL’S ROOM – NIGHT
There’s a way to kill Krampus. The bolt that killed Nicholas is in the lobby. It has his blood on it. If Krampus can be stabbed with it, it can kill him. Blood of the blood curse.
24 – INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
The clock loudly strikes 9 PM, not one is around except Krampus and Reverend Gene. Gene not good and hiding his plan glancing at the cross bolt bolt on the floor.
Krampus sits by the fire. He appears to me meditating. Tongues of fire from the fire place snake around the complex seeking those hiding.
25 – INT. BAR – NIGHT
Michael and James are chased out by the fire.
26 – INT. RODAKS GUEST ROOM – NIGHT
Ava and Linda are chased out by the flames.
27 – INT. SKI LODGE – UTILTY ROOM – NIGHT
Susie is chased out from her hiding location.
28 – INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Before long they are all back in the lobby. The tension is high. Linda pleads for this cruel exchange end immediately. Ava wants him to just go away. Reverend Gene warns Kramus he’ll not get away with this. James is in the verge of hysteria.
Next gift FROM James to AVA. It’s a fancy scarf, not for wearing, for strangulating.
HORROR SITUATION
Young teen girl strangulated by hysterical man.
Dread – Everyone got the sick idea of the gift exchange by now
Panic – Ava too young to die
Hysteria- James is no killer, he’s falling apart.
Horror – Ava eyes bulge, she turns blue. Gasps for air that’s not there.
Surprise – Ava breaks free.
Release – she won’t be strangled to death.
Suspense – will she escape? – she runs for the basement
29 – INT. BASEMENT UTLITY ROOM – NIGHT
Ava and Susie storm down the stairs. Susie flips open the trap door. Ava climbs in. James screams for her to stop. Krampus will kill him if she gets away. Ava kicks free and climbs onward. Susie clocks James across the back with a large wrench. Ava disappears into the dark shaft.
30 – INT. SKI LODGE – LOBBY – NIGHT
Reverend Gene watches Krampus retrieve the cross bow. Obviously he’ll go for the bolt next. Gene times his move. He lunges for the bolt, just as Krampus goes for it. Krampus stomps his foot down on Genes’s hand, smashing it. Krampus stabs Gene in the eye with the bolt. Blood spurts everywhere. Krampus goes to the second story landing that over looks the ski shed.
31 – INT. SKI LODGE – SECOND STORY LANDING – NIGHT
Krampus pushes open the double doors. Through the blizzard Ava is seen fussing about in the ski lift shed. Krampus waits for an open moment.
32 – EXT. SKI LIFT SHED – NIGHT
Ava throws some levers releasing the brakes on the lift. The chairs start to move down the mountain. She hops into one. She clears the shed , out into the open.
33 – INT. SKI LODGE – SECOND STORY LANDING – NIGHT
Krampus steadies the cross bow. Ava in his sights just twenty yards away. His about to pull the trigger when CRACK – Linda slugs him over the head with the wrench from the utility room.
HORROR SITUATION
Ava watches her mother, Linda get bludgeoned to death by Krampus.
Anxiety – will Ava escape or get caught?
Shock – Linda struck Krampus over the head with a wrench
Fear – Krampus is a monster. He will retaliate.
Horror – Linda is bludgeoned to death by Krampus
Hysteria – Ava loses it.
Surprise – Krampus takes a shot at Ava with the cross bow – misses
Release – Ave escapes down the ski lift.
34 – INT. SKI LODGE LOBBY – NIGHT
Krampus returns to the lobby, bloodied. He seethes at Susie, she jabs at him with a ski pole. Krampus forces her down the stairs to the utility room.
35 – INT. SKI LODGE – BASEMENT – UTILITY ROOM – NIGHT
The giant fly wheel controlling the ski lift turns slowly. The cables snap tight. Krampus pushes Susie down the stairs. Michael and James follow. She lays stunned next to the spinning wheel.
HORROR SITUATION
Susie about to be fed into the gears for the ski lift mechanism.
Fear – James and Michael have to throw Susie into the gears.
Anxiety – it’s a strange way to die.
Shock – they pick her up by the feet and hands and toss her into the fly wheel.
Horror – Susie’s body ground up like in a food processor.
Surprise – Susie gums up the works – the ski lift stops.
36 – EXT. SKI LIFT – NIGHT
Ava rides the ski lift down mid-mountain. Then it jerks to a stop leaving her thirty feet in the air.
37 – INT. UTILITY ROOM – NIGHT
James and Michael are the last two left. One must kill the other for the game to end. Krampus doesn’t have a preference. They refuse. James, hysterical, runs outside, up to his waste in snow. The blizzard rages on. Michael calls after him. Krampus – He won’t get far.
38 – INT/EXT. SKI LODGE GARAGE – NIGHT
The door raises and the snow groomer machine plows out into the snow. Michael’s driving it.
39 – EXT. SKI SLOPE – NIGHT
James barely makes it down the slope. He’s screaming for Ava. He can’t see through the storm. Up the slope the glaring lights of the snow groomer marks it approach.
40 – INT. SNOW GROOMER – NIGHT
Krampus spots James ahead- he points the direction out for Michael. They close in
41 – EXT. SKI LIFT – NIGHT
Ava hears her name being yelled but from where? She can’t see anyone. She screams out – JAMES? She takes out her phone and turns on the flash light.
42 – EXT. SKI SLOPE – NIGHT
James sees Ava’s light. He tries to make his ways to that direction.
43 – EXT. SKI LIFT – NIGHT
James yells at Ava they are coming for her. She needs to get down and run. She’s afraid too high. James climbs up reaches for Ava and helps her over the the lift tower. They climb down together. James says he’ll hold them off. Ave need to run for the road for safety. She proclaim he’s the bravest man she knows.
44 – INT. SNOW GROOMER – NIGHT
James appears in the snow groomer’s lights. He starts running as best he can down the slope. James stays inline with the lift towers. Krampus tells Michael to run him over. Michael guns the groomer. The distance to James getting closer. Michael wipes away a tear. Krampus smiles. He loves this.
EXT. SKI SLOPE – NIGHT
James is exhausted. He can barely move in the heavy snow. The groomer is nearly upon him. He makes a last dash for the next ski lift tower. Before he reaches it the groomer runs him over. The snow turns red.
HORROR SITUATION
James is run over by the snow groomer machine driven by Michael.
Anxiety -it’s difficult to run away in the blizzard.
Fear – The machine is getting closer, blades snapping
Suspense – will James make it?
Horror – He falls.The snow groomer churns him up. Snow turns red.
Creepy Moment – Krampus eats the red snow.
45 – INT. SNOW GROOMER – NIGHT
Distraught – Michael loses track of where the groomer is. It smashes into the ski lift tower. The occupants rocked against the windshield and dash. Nothing but the sound of the blizzard raging outside.
46 – INT. PARIS – HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A fancy hotel suite, Krampus stands by the window, admiring the view of the lit up Eiffel Tower. Michael emerges from the bathroom wearing a towel. His hair wet. Krampus says he has a gift from Michael, who seems unsure of the implication.
Michael opens the gift. It’s a miniature version of a guillotine. Big enough to take off a thumb, or worse. Krampus tugs at Micahael’s towel. It falls to the floor.
47 – EXT. PARIS HOTEL – NIGHT
From inside Krampus’s room we hear Michael scream out in agony. The scream goes on and on as we pull away from the building flying across the Paris sky. The lights on the Eiffel Tower go out.
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Hi Ed, we are the early birds! Let me know if you’d like to exchange feedback.
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Yes James, Let’s do that. Thanks Ed
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Hi Ed, here’s my feedback – good luck with the second draft!
The plane almost crashing and the guide falling into the ravine seem to be linked to the upcoming events, but it is not made clear how. Later it is insinuated that James was involved in the guide’s death, but there are no details given. Are these just portents of doom or are they linked to Krampus? If they are linked, maybe develop this idea some more.
Having characters called Mike and Michael can make it difficult for an audience, unless this is a running gag?
Sc 1: Great horror situation, lots going on. Would killing the manager be enough to take over the hotel? Would they not have to massacre the whole staff? Maybe consider having Krampus bring in his own “staff” to take over the hotel? This could really add to the creepiness factor… When we meet Tina in Sc 10, it’s hard to believe that she would accept Krampus as the new boss.
Sc. 3: The plane scare is a good horror situation, but how does it relate to the later action?
Sc. 4: Is Krampus targeting Reverend Gene? It seems like a huge coincidence that a pagan expert would happen to be on vacation there, but maybe he is close to exposing Krampus? Is that why he is targeted, and the others are collateral damage?
Sc. 5: the guide falling off the bus should be a horror situation with some dramatic build-up. We don’t yet know what the significance is of this, it needs a bit more development.
Sc. 11: One of the guests has a terrible secret – do we ever find out what this is? Or why Krampus targets these people? This could do with having more horror elements added to it. Why do the guests believe them? Until Tina is attacked, there is nothing here to suggest they should believe these crazy old guys, so maybe some menacing actions in the build-up? Again, did James push the guide off the bus? And if so, why? It isn’t THE secret, so what is its significance?
Sc. 13: Lots of good horror elements in this scene. But, when Tina shoots Krampus and St. Nicholas, there is no effect, but later St. Nicholas is killed by an arrow. Is he impervious to bullets but not arrows? Maybe fill in the folklore here or just have Tina shoot at Krampus without effect, but she does wound St. Nicholas, to set up the notion that St. Nicholas is killable.
Sc. 14: Are we setting up Michael as the one having the dark secret?
Sc. 15: Linda’s denial is good, in that she believes they can reason with these people. The social media prank is questionable – presumably Tina’s death is very real, so they would already be convinced that these are indeed psychos.
Sc. 19: We hear about the air plane incident again – what is the significance? Also, why does Ava think she is to blame for all of this?
Sc. 20: Good horror elements here. But is Krampus really OK with St. Nicholas being killed by Mike? Is there no retribution?
Sc. 28: More good horror elements here and a plausible escape route.
Sc. 30-33 A lot of action scenes and some horror, but the suspense could be ramped up. It now starts to feel a little more like an action film rather than horror.
Sc. 35 needs some explanation – why do James and Michael have to feed Susie into the gears of the lift? Most of the characters are now rebelling against Krampus, why aren’t Michael and James doing the same?
Sc. 38 Why does Michael suddenly change his mind and go after James?
Sc. 40-44 good suspense as they close in on James And Ava.
Sc. 46 Why and how does Michael go to Paris with Krampus? This doesn’t make sense to me.
The overall reasons for Krampus choosing that hotel and those victims needs to be fleshed out – is it all about Michael? Or Reverend Gene? What did either of them do to deserve this? What did the others do to deserve their fates? The folklore of Krampus could also be fleshed out a little more, to explain his motives.
Lots of good gore and suspense in the last act.
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Thank you James, excellent feedback. I’ll get to work on draft 2.
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Hi, Ed. If it’s not too late, let me know if you would like to exchange feedback.
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Hi Tom, yes, I’ll look at yours tomorrow. Please reference my Version # 2, for feedback. Thanks.
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James Burns’s outline version 1
Title: Carrion
Logline: When a group of friends crash in the wilderness, they’re terrorized and picked off one by one by a hillbilly cannibal with a twisted sense of values. He has sworn to only eat carrion — people who are already dead — but bends the rules by laying traps that will bring about their deaths.
Outline:
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>ACT 1
EXT. WILDERNESS – DAY
An extreme hiker, OUTDOORS OLLIE, walks through a very secluded area. He is clearly an extreme hiking vlogger, but much crapper than he appears on camera. As he walks along, he holds a selfy stick as he films himself. He hears a rustle in a bush, thinks it might be a deer, hushes at the camera and creeps over to the bush. As he moves the bushes out of the way, a bear jump scares him. He screams and quickly scrambles up a tree, but when the bear comes after him, he pepper sprays it.
After the bear leaves, he walks to a clearing and makes a fire to cook a meal. He videos himself eating rabbit but just as he is about to put it in a mouth, a racoon jump scares him and steals the food from him. He jumps so much that he falls backwards off his chair shrieking and saying how much he hates those shifty little bastards. Later, he is walking through the woods, on edge, when he hears a noise behind a tree. He is immediately on edge and slowly circles around the tree. Suddenly a chipmunk leaps onto his face, blinding him and totally freaking him out. He runs around, his arms in the air, screaming, until the chipmunk leaps off him and he runs into a tree, knocking himself out.
EXT. WOODLAND CLEARING – DAY
Ollie has made a camp for the evening and has set up his camera on a small tripod. He stops, looks up at the setting sun and then starts the camera recording. He gives a report on his day, (Hey guys, Outdoors Ollie here). He’s very macho and says it’s been an interesting day with some close encounters of the natural kind, pointing to the bump on his forehead from the chipmunk incident. He says I’m now literally hundreds of miles from the nearest living soul.
He hears a noise that sounds like someone sniggering behind him.
It freaks him out a bit, but he tries to look macho in front of the camera. Maybe I’m not alone! he says, trying to laugh it off, but he is clearly unnerved. He walks towards the noise, after taking out and unfolding a comically large pocket knife. He steps onto something, which makes a slight clicking noise, which suddenly and swiftly sets off a huge bear trap that sinks into his midriff. He screams, then hears a loud ticking sound and looks puzzled but then we hear a second trap set off and an even larger bear trap flies up and decapitates him just below the shoulders.
He doesn’t have time to react, it all happens too quickly. We hear the sniggering sound again and then we see a shoeless foot stamp on a lever and the trap opens back up, the hiker’s body falling to the floor. A filthy hand picks the head up off the floor, and the body is dragged away by the unseen killer.
INT. BRUNO’S BEDROOM – DAY
This room is chaotic. There is stuff everywhere, and on the walls thee are framed video game posters for The Forest, The Last of Us, Mortal Kombat, Wolfenstein II, Manhunt and Carmageddon.
This room is chaotic. There is stuff everywhere, and on the walls thee are framed video game posters for The Forest, The Last of Us, Mortal Kombat, Wolfenstein II, Manhunt and Carmageddon.
CELINE and BRUNO, early 20s, are having fairly raucous sex. Celine is bouncing up and down on Bruno who is loving it. She is saying come on, come on, but s we close on her face, we see she is focusing on her smart watch calorie counter. As Bruno climaxes, Celine shouts Yes! iI just burned 100 calories. So not a complete waste of time.
Bruno says, Babe, you say the nicest things. He clearly doesn’t care. He’s not in love with her, he just loves shagging her. He’s not a complicated guy. She smiles a fake smile.
Suddenly the mood changes as there is a strange noise coming from the bathroom door. She asks him what it could be, and he says no idea. She climbs off him and slowly walks towards the bathroom door. As she gets there, there is a loud bang, which makes her jump. She tentatively opens the bathroom door: suddenly, a cat leaps out on top of her. She shouts fuck and freaks out. I fucking hate cats. Bruno says, but he loves you. She looks at her watch. We’d better get going. We are not going to be late.
He says, Are you sure you want to come, ‘cos…
Of course I want to come, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.
It’s just, you know, you’re not technically invited.
Yes, but where you go I go, right?
Uh, sure…
Come on, let’s go. I fucking hate being late.
INT. AUBREY’s BEDROOM – DAY
This room is pristine. Nothing is out of place and there are a couple of Monet paintings on the wall and a couple of literary posters – one for Jean-Paul Sartre’s Huis Clos and another for Camus’ L’Etranger.
SHANIA and AUBREY are also having sex, but it is quite dull. They have clearly been together for some time. He tells her he is about to come and she says OK, she smiles but clearly isn’t that into it. He comes in a very protestant way and she feigns interest, He says it’s amazing how the sex is still so good, even after all these years. She says yeah…
Aubrey complains about the trip, he really doesn’t want to go – why does Justin have to invite us on these fucking trips? He knows I hate the outdoors. He’s a damn sadist. Shania tells him it will be fun, she can’t wait to hang out with Brittany. If she comes, says Aubrey. She hates the wilderness as much as I do.
The mood changes to one of suspense when they hear a noise. What was that? I’ve no idea. He slowly walks over to the closet and freaks out when the whole closet suddenly moves. He jumps back but then slowly reaches out and opens the door. A large white shaggy dog leaps out, knocking him over. Aubrey craps himself and then shouts, Enrique, for the love of god, how many times do I have to tell you to keep Bojo out of my room? I fucking detest dogs. Shania is petting the dog and says, I love Bojo – you’re such a good dog, aren’t you!
There is a car horn, and Aubrey goes to the window. That can’t be Bruno… Sure enough, Bruno is outside, waving and smiling broadly, like the cat that got the cream. It’s a miracle, he’s NEVER on time, what the hell..?
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY
They go down to the car and are both shocked to see Celine sitting in the passenger seat. Bruno jokes around, isn’t it great? Celine was able to come! Shania mutters, that’s more than I could manage. She greets Celine, they’re both civil and outwardly smiling, but it’s clear they’re not besties. Aubrey gives Bruno a look. What? Justin is going to be most displeased.
INT. JUSTIN’S BEDROOM- DAY
Justin’s room is so manly it’s painful. The wall has photos of lakes and mountains and wildlife. He is clearly an outdoors fan.
JUSTIN and BRITTANY are having movie star sex. Everything is perfect, they are clearly very much in love. They reach a loud and hilarious climax. Justin is a big guy, in very good shape, Brittany is a bit more bookish but still very attractive.
The mood changes when they hear a noise. She is freaked out and asks what’s that? She hears another noise and slowly walks over to the bedroom door, then jumps as the door bangs. Tentatively, she opens the door and a huge tiger roars, jumps into the room and knocks her over. She laughs and starts petting the tiger, who is rubbing up affectionately against her, saying I fucking love tigers.
Justin complains that she isn’t coming on the camping trip. Justin is a real outdoors type, Brittany not so much. She tells him that she’s not going to go, you go without me. You know I hate camping – it’s not camping, it’s a cabin! They’re all c-words to me. If god had wanted us to stay in cabins he wouldn’t have invented hotels with en-suite bathrooms and jacuzzi hot tubs. Does this cabin have a bathroom with hot water and a kitchen with a proper stove? Yes. And a butler. And a bar, with a really good bartender? He tries to persuade her. They hear the car horn. Seriously? Bruno is never on time…
He looks out of the window and sees Celine. Always on time, damn her. Shit. Justin begs Brittany to come with him now to protect him from Celine. Reluctantly, she agrees, but neither are happy about Celine being there.
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY
They come over to the car and Bruno smiles and points at his watch – what kept you? Brittany is frosty with Celine who is outwardly friendly. Brittany jumps into the back of the car with Shania and they hug, clearly good friends. She whispers, so..? Shania nods her head, smiling, but whispers to her to be quiet. She hasn’t told Aubrey yet, it’s still early.
Justin has a chat with Bruno and Aubrey away from the car – it is clear they are good friends who go back a long way. Justin is furious that Bruno has brought his ex without asking. It’s bad enough you’re dating her, but bringing her along? How fucking dumb can you get? Bruno calms him down, it will be great. She’s over you man. She’s just using you to get to me, you know that right? With that body she can use me to get to anybody.
Aubrey takes the piss out of the car – didn’t see you as a mini-van man, Bruno. Are you finally ready to settle down. It’s a rental, dickhead. And it fits six, so shut up. Did you pack your slippers? And your pipe? Fuck you. Eloquent with the come-backs, as ever. Bruno imitates Aubrey’s voice in an exaggerated way, repeating his sentence.
EXT. CITY LIMITS – DAY
The car winds its way along a highway that quickly turns into countryside.
INT. CAR – DAY
In the car, Bruno complains about this being a fucking gas guzzler. There’s no way we’ll be able to get to the cabin without running out of gas. They are in a pretty remote area already, but there is a big house that he spots and pulls over.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
Bruno gets out and walks over towards a house where the owner is watering the lawn. He is a really dodgy-looking guy, the opposite of a city slicker. The guy nods at him and Bruno asks if he might have some gas going spare. The guy says are you serious? He points to the huge gasoline truck parked next to his house. Cool!
They all get out of the car to stretch their legs. Shania and Brittany go to find a spot to pee and Celine climbs into the very back seat and settles down to sleep.
Justin and Aubrey join Bruno and the man and they all chat as the guy fills the car’s tank with gas. He asks them where they’re heading, and they tell him – Victorville Lake. Let me give you some extra to take – you don’t want to run out of gas if you’re heading that way. Whatever you do, don’t leave the main road. And don’t go west, up by the pines. Stay away from the pines. Why? Strange things happen out there. Papa Carter went up there just a few weeks ago to do some oil painting in the woods. Came back. He shakes his head sadly.
Bruno is intrigued – what happened? No paint brushes. They’d just disappeared. And he had no face. What? Well, no that last bit’s not true, but he couldn’t see properly no more. What? Yeah, he lost his reading glasses. Now he can’t fuckin’ read – can you imagine that? Not being able to read? Horrible. And Ma Hardesty went out there to go fishing. Never seen again. Well, not without a sunburn, anyway. And it was a really bad sunburn. It stung for days, she said. Just stay away. Nothing good happens up there. Shania tells Bruno to listen to the man – he seems to be very wise.
They all get back in the car
INT. CAR – DAY
They carry on with Justin now riding shotgun next to Bruno, Celine is trying to sleep in the far back next to a reluctant Aubrey who asks her to let Shania sit there. Celine refuses, saying she needs to sleep and the middle’s not comfortable enough. He says, Whatever makes you happy, princess.
I’m a fucking princess? You’re the one who brought a juicer on a camping trip.
The cabin’s kitchen is woefully ill-equipped, I’m not eating burnt burgers all weekend.
Woefully ill-equipped? Who even talks like that?
Someone with an education.
You arrogant fuck.
You joyless harridan.
I don’t know what that means, but it’s probably not good, so fuck you, you ass hole. Justin shouts back telling them to shut up. Go to sleep, Celine. She opens her mouth to retort, thinks twice about it and mutters damn right I’ll go to sleep. Because I want to go to sleep. Not cos you told me to.
Justin also settles down to sleep, as does Aubrey. Shania and Brittany chat quietly among themselves. Shania tells her she has a few girls’ names picked.
EXT. MAIN ROAD – DAY
Bruno ignores the warning and, without telling the rest of them, leaves the main road. He trundles along a pretty crappy road, but comes across a large diversion sign. Shit, He turns onto an even crappier dirt road, gets exasperated and starts driving really fast. The GPS on his phone has stopped working, he’s driving blind.
Justin wakes up and they have a big argument about him leaving the main road – where the fuck are we? I don’t know, but who cares? We’ll get to somewhere! Justin tells him to slow down, as do the others, but instead he speeds up, yelling out loud. Bruno, for once go against type says Aubrey. Justin loses it and tells him to stop the car, this is bullshit: Bruno smiles and takes his hands off the wheel – you wanna drive? You drive, buddy!
Justin grabs the wheel but, just as he does the tires all suddenly burst, Justin loses control, the car careers off the road and slams into a tree stump at such a speed that the car rears up on its hood and falls onto its roof.
As it does, it lands on a spiked tree stump that crashes through the windscreen and impales itself into Justin’s face. There is silence, all the passengers are knocked unconscious except Justin, who is very dead. We hear footsteps and the passenger door opens. We hear the same sniggering as in the opening scene.
EXT. DESOLATE COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
The survivors slowly start to wake up one by one but there is no Justin. There is however, a lot of blood. Brittany and Celine are really worried – Shania says he just went for help, that’s typical of Justin – he’s seen us all unconscious and decided to find help. He’ll be back soon with a tow truck and an ambulance. And some breakfast burritos! But Bruno says that is a lot of blood.
Aubrey says Justin’s a fucking animal, he’s gone for help. That’s the only explanation. Initially Brittany is in tears, desperately scared for Justin’s life. But she asks the fuck is going on? Where’s the blood trail? There is no way he went for help – has he been taken? Celine is also scared for Justin and beats up on Bruno, laying the blame squarely on him. “If Justin is dead because of you, I will slice your balls off. And not in a good way.”
Now Justin has gone, she no longer pretends to care about these people. She also blames Brittany – “If you hadn’t stolen Justin from me, we wouldn’t have come on this trip with you losers, it would have just been the two of us and shit for brains here wouldn’t have been driving and we wouldn’t have crashed, and Justin wouldn’t be…” She can’t say the word and breaks down.
Brittany tries to get her shit together, realizing this situation got very real very quickly. Bruno says they must have hit a rock. Brittany checks out the tires, seeing that they were sliced by something sharp – this was no rock, they must have driven over some spikes or something. There is nothing in the road, though, no spikes, no rock either… Brittany says why would someone lay a trap like that?
Aubrey’s cocky self-assuredness is gone, and he laments that the only person who knows what the fuck they’re doing out here in the sticks is gone. Brittany takes charge, but Bruno teases her, we’re not your students, miss.
Aubrey goes for a piss (I have an enlarged prostate, OK, I can’t help it. Man, you’ve got an enlarged sense of your own worth, that’s what you’ve got, says Bruno). Shania begs him not to go, just go behind that bush, he whispers that he needs a number two and says, what’s the worst that can happen?
EXT. CLEARING – DAY
Aubrey walks into a clearing away from the others, to find a suitable dumping place, but almost gets killed in a fiendish trap. He steps on the trap mechanism, which makes a clicking noise that makes Aubrey move to one side, just in time, as a spear flies out of the ground and just grazes his knee. He cries out in shock and pain and the others quickly come to investigate.
They all take close look at the trap – Brittany takes the lead. She says this isn’t a regular hunter’s trap. It is very well made and fiendishly clever – none of them has seen a trap like this before. It looks designed to kill people, not animals. Bruno laughs it off – he’s not ready to believe this.
EXT. CAMP – DAY
They go back to their camp: While Aubrey escaped with just a minor flesh wound, this makes him even more of a whining annoyance. Brittany, Celine and Aubrey think that they are being hunted, except Shania, who still won’t accept it. We’re not in Texas! This isn’t a massacre, it’s just hunting season and we got unlucky, that’s all. We got into an accident because someone was driving too fast, and Aubrey walked into a hunter’s trap. It will all be fine once Justin gets back.
Celine rips into her: Justin lost like a gallon of blood and then just disappeared without leaving a blood trail – do you think he somehow patched himself off before setting off to find help? Yes, I do, Justin’s a real outdoors guy – he’ll have used his first aid kit to cover his wound and… Brittany shows her the first aid kit. It hasn’t been touched. Get real – he’s not coming back!
ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Bruno decides to be all macho and go off in search of food. He has a spear gun and some spears and sets off looking to hunt for “a deer or something”. Brittany knows this is a bad idea but wants to keep an eye on him and recce the area “It would be good to get a lay of the land”. Celine also goes with them, Shania stays with Aubrey, who has no intention of going anywhere or doing anything. “Did you bring snacks, baby?” “Of course I did, sweetie.”
EXT. WILDERNESS _ DAY
Brittany and Celine are arguing behind Bruno, Celine now convinced that Justin is dead.
Bruno turns around, annoyed with all this bickering and asks them to shut up – how the hell are we supposed to kill a deer with you making all this noise? And anyway, I thought you were over Justin? As Bruno turns his head around to talk to them, he walks backwards. He trips a wire and as he turns around, a huge axe swings down from the tree above him and splits his head in two.
As he falls backwards to the ground, he fires the spear gun into the air. The two women stare at Bruno for a moment, stunned, not believing what they’ve just seen. Suddenly, the spear comes back to earth, landing in Bruno’s chest. They both scream fuuuuuuuck! Now it is undeniable: these traps have been laid to kill them – they are being hunted and the killer is nowhere to be seen.
The two women leave Bruno there and head back to the camp, after picking up his spear gun and wrenching the spear out of him. They are both horrified, and Celine blames Brittany for everything, she just won’t stop bickering.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought!
EXT. WILDERNESS TRAIL – DAY
They walk along the trail in trepidation, scared to death that they will set off another trap and die. For a while they follow behind a rabbit, but it dies when it is blown up by a landmine. They try to make their way back to the original trail they took to get here, but Brittany walks into a wire, which sets off another trap. She trips on a rock and falls just in time. Five arrows all whistle over her, all coming from different directions, missing her by inches. That was close.
But there is a scream behind her – Celine has been hit by an arrow – clean through her left boob. Brittany finds one of the crossbows that fired one of the arrows – this is a really intricate trap. Someone really wants us dead. They head back to the camp, Celine refusing Brittany’s help – I got shot in my boob, not my leg, I can walk just fine!
EXT. CAMP – DAY
They get back to the camp and tell Shania and Aubrey about what happened. Aubrey is freaked out and is also devastated at losing his other best friend. When Shania tries to convince them these are probably just some animal traps set by hunters, Celine points to her breast arrow and asks if this looks like the work of a hunter. Aubrey explodes sarcastically, and Shania says fuck you and walks away. Brittany convinces Shania that these are no hunters’ traps, there’s a maniac out there, the sooner you accept that, the better the chance we have of surviving. Brittany snaps the arrow and takes it out of Celine’s boob and helps her to patch it up.
EXT. CAMP – DAY (Cont.)
Brittany gets them all to start looting the car for anything that might protect them, then regroup: – we need to be able to fight this fucker. They regroup and show their weapons. Aubrey has a BB gun, shows it off, Celine asks if that’s a BB gun? Yes, yes it is. God help us. “This could take someone’s eye out.” Celine has a pair of tweezers, (“You’re gonna pluck his eyebrows to death? asks Aubrey. “Shut up BB boy. These are fucking sharp tweezers”). Brittany has the spear gun and a large hunting knife (she offers the knife to Celine who refuses, saying she is just fine with her tweezers, thank you very much). Shania says, I’ve got Lucy. Lucy? She pulls out a .44 Magnum. WTF?
She tells them of when she was younger, she got attacked by two men who tried to drag her into an alleyway. Thankfully, unbeknown to Shania, her mum was psychopathically over-protective and she used to follow her when she went out at night. “My mom shot them both in the ass, then taught me how to shoot. I’ve been packin’ ever since. They rest up for the night in their makeshift camp. Aubrey: you think you know somebody… You didn’t know she has a gun? I had no idea!
EXT. CAMP – NIGHT
As the four survivors sleep, a figure lurks in the camp: it could easily kill them but doesn’t. We only see its shadow. It lurks around the women, sniffing them and licking their necks and arms. As it walks away, it snaps a twig. Quick as a flash, Shania sits up and fires a few shots into the dark. There are two cries of pain. “I got the bastard!” and the others wake up really quickly. Aubrey limps back to the camp, “Don’t shoot!” a bullet having grazed his leg. He had gone behind a bush for a pee. But he did see a shadowy figure get shot. He didn’t go down, but he took a bullet.
Brittany says we’ll go after him in the morning. Celine wants to go now, Brittany says off you go, chasing off after a psycho killer who’s been laying traps for us, in the dark. Fair point. Bitch. One of us has to stay awake, I’ll take first turn, holding the spear gun. She won’t take the gun, scared she’ll kill someone with it. That’s kinda the point. Aubrey finally tries to be macho, there’s no way I’ll be able to sleep now, I’ll take first watch.
EXT. CAMP – EARLY MORNING
Brittany wakes up and sees that Aubrey is indeed asleep, cradling the spear gun in his arms. Pissed off, she wakes him and the others up, let’s eat then let’s take the fight to this bastard. They all start eating from the food coolers they brought with them.
ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
EXT. WILDERNESS TRAIL – DAY
Armed as well as they can be, they follow the blood trail left by the killer. Brittany beats a path with a very long stick. The trail dries up, but they see smoke and come to a very dilapidated house.
EXT. DILAPIDATED HOUSE – DAY
Three small, ragged-looking children play in the yard with a gun. One of them waves it around and accidentally shoots it, closely missing one of the other kids, who only has one ear. “If you go shooting my other ear off, Annie,” she cries. “Vickie will kill you!”
The survivors can’t believe that this could be the killer’s home – there are children here! At the sound of the gunshot, a young woman, VICKIE, comes out of the house, angry and afraid, and shouts at the kids, What have I told you about playing with guns on a Sunday? She stops when she sees the strangers. They ask if she has seen someone come by with a wound – they tell her they are being hunted. She shakes her head but says there are a lot of hunters out these parts, but I ain’t seen nobody for weeks.
They ask her for help but she says she ain’t got no phone and don’t want to get involved. If there are hunters out there, she has to think of the kids. Shania asks if they can stay with her – the woman looks scared – no, I don’t know you, I can’t have strangers coming into my house. I’m sorry. Y’all gotta leave. Aubrey: anyone else getting a hills have eyes vibe? No? just me? Fuck. They leave.
INT. HOUSE – DAY
Vickie comes inside the ramshackle house and talks to her brother, EARL. He heard the conversation. She thinks Lonnie has been killing people. Trapping them. Last night’s dinner wasn’t no carrion. Earl is furious. He’s killing again. I’ll go find him.
EXT. WILDERNESS TRAIL – DAY
On the way back to the camp, Brittany and Celine set off traps: Shania prevents Celine from being killed, though Celine is maimed (again) and Brittany miraculously survives, although her leg is snapped in two. She straps a piece of wood to it with a couple of belts, but she is horribly wounded.
Aubrey says fuck this, come on, Shania, she says no, we’ve got to help them, he says fuck that, come ON. Shania shouts at him, don’t be such a fucking coward! Wanting to live does not make me a coward. See you back at the camp. She shouts after after him, incensed, he wavers, but then turns and runs, falling into a pit of snakes. Lying there, he is winded and doesn’t realize he is surrounded by very angry serpents.
Shania’s initial reaction is to jump into the pit to help Aubrey, but Celine of all people stops her. Shania struggles to hold her shit together, she is terrified for Aubrey. Aubrey sweetie, are you OK? He stirs a little, still stunned. He is about to sit up but she quickly calls out, don’t move! He replies brusquely “Don’t tell me what to do, I’m fine to move. You’re always telling me what to do…” As he moves to get up, several of the snakes bite him. He screams as other snakes attack and soon he falls silent. Shania struggles in Celine’s arms then breaks down, not quite able to believe what she’s just seen. She holds her belly.
EXT. CAMP – DAY
Back at the camp, Celine roots around in her bag, then takes hold of Shania and pops a pill in her mouth – swallow. Brittany says, come on sweetie, we need you. We have to fight this fucker.
Brittany says she has a plan.
EXT. WILDERNESS TRAIL – EVENING
Lonnie comes along the track where they all got trapped and finds Aubrey still in the pit, his face contorted in a complaining expression. We see Lonnie’s silhouette; he is dressed like a ragged pianist, with top hat and tails but no shoes. He walks in a very menacing fashion, confident and dangerous, carrying a vicious-looking long hook with a rope attached to it, which he aims to use to pull Aubrey out of the pit, and another metal hook hangs from his belt.
As he starts to pull Aubrey’s body out of the pit, he is shot by a bullet and then by a harpoon. Shania comes out of hiding with her gun firing. As Lonnie’s face lifts and we finally see it – a hideous, deformed child-like in-bred face. He manages to get away but is bleeding badly. Shania shoots again and he takes one in the shoulder.
EXT. WOODED AREA – EVENING
He leads them into some covered woods and Brittany almost falls into a trap, but teeters on the edge, trying not to fall in. Celine pushes her in. Shania screams, Celine! And shoots Celine, in the other breast, and Celine runs away, cursing her. Shania helps Brittany out of the trap: she is, unbelievably, still alive, but this time with her arm snapped in two. She shrugs it off.
EXT. WILDERNESS CLEARING – EVENING
Lonnie has caught up with Celine and they are fighting, but with both of them very injured it is hard for each of them to deal a final blow. He is hideous – he looks like an in-bred child in the face, but with a man’s body comically and hideously deformed.
Lonnie is badly shot up, with one arm useless, while Celine is bleeding from both breasts. He draws back his hook to kill her, but Celine stabs him in the eye with her tweezers. He screams, drops the hook and slowly pulls out the tweezers, which pops his eyeball out. He looks at the eye for a second, pulls it off the tweezers and stuffs it back in his eye socket. He turns back to Celine, who has been watching this with morbid curiosity. He then proceeds to stab Celine in the chest with the tweezers.
He stops when Celine appears to be dead and looks up in time to see Brittany and Shania hobbling towards him (Shania helping Brittany to walk). Lonnie goes after them, very slowly, brandishing his hook in one hand and the tweezers in the other.
Brittany can’t do much, but Shania shoots him twice before running out of bullets. Lonnie keeps coming and hits Shania, knocking her to the ground. Brittany is also on the floor now, unable to get up with her snapped leg, but she screams at him, come on you bastard, I’ll bite your legs off. I’ll rip your fucking heart out with my teeth!
Lonnie stands over Brittany, raises his hook and is about to deliver the final blow… She summons up all her strength and kicks him in the balls with her one good leg. She is an amazing example of the sheer willpower to live. Lonnie falls to the floor, Brittany kneels on her good leg, lifts up the hook with her good arm and is about to plunge it into him when a gunshot goes off. It is Lonnie’s brother and sister, with crazy feral kids in tow.
Earl has shot into the air and now points the rifle at Brittany. Just leave him now, he won’t bother you no more, we’ll make sure of that. We’re not bad people. Lonnie just likes to bend the rules a little. Vickie helps Lonnie up and takes him away. Earl says come with me, I’ll help you get home. The two women look at each other, unwilling to trust him. “I’m not like my brother, I’m no killer. And if I wanted you dead, you’d be dead.”
EXT. CLEARING – EVENING
Earl leads them to a trail and points to a wheelbarrow. I’ve got some transportation you can borrow. Brittany climbs in and Earl points to the trail. Follow that trail for a couple of miles, you’ll come to a road. Cars come along there once in a while. They set off, silently.
EXT. DIRT ROAD – EVENING
Shania, her head covered in blood, and Brittany, hardly conscious, slowly make their way to the end of the trail, which brings them to a road. They eventually manage to flag down a car. As they tell the driver what happened, a beaten-up pickup truck slowly drives in the other direction. They see Lonnie and his siblings in the front, and the feral kids and a very large freezer on the back.
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Good job with the first draft James. Please reduce the exposition and get the the essence of scenes. Number them for easy notes reference and read.
The horror scenes should be labeled , Horror Situation, and broken by the structure; emotions, releases, reactions act, and creepy moments. Helps identify and analyze those.
I see you write in series of three’s. Three animal attacks in the opening and three couples engaging in sex for character introductions.
I love the idea of the bear scare in the opening act. It ties in well with the bear trap kill. Not sure the additional animals scares are needed after that. For the character intro’s maybe intro the characters in three different scenes, one sex ,the others ? to better reveals to their character and supports later emotional reactions.
Good monster intro built in and mystery who this person is and why he’s dragging bodies away. I like the twist that Lonnie’s setting the traps since he’s not a cannibal, he (they) are carrions. It’s fun irony for sure.
We see the monster’s face , Lonnie, late, right? third act. Could be a midpoint scene too. Depends where most impactful. I like the idea of how Lonnie’s revealed. When is a tougher call.
I was wondering way Aubrey has a spear gun. Aren’t those used under water? Always a fun killing weapon. Just seems out of place in the woods.
And The story continues! I like the ending with the close encounter with the survivors. Lonnie’s (feral kids !) family off looking for food again, weird kind of family picnic. Says a lot!
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Thanks Ed!
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MICAH’S OUTLINE VERSION 1
TITLE: THE JINX
LOGLINE: a man is cursed so that everyone around him suffers grave misfortune
OUTLINE:
1 EXT. BARREN PROPERTY – DAY
A boy and girl play near a barren hill on which sits an old house. An old woman warns them off going onto the property.
2 INT. HERMIT’S HOUSE – DAY
The Hermit sits in a chair, cursing a wryneck bird that perches on a chair, watching him.
3 INT. HOME – NIGHT
The boy’s Father explains that the Hermit isn’t bad but a very unlucky man.
4 EXT. BARREN PROPERTY – DAY
The boy’s dog runs onto the property and the boy pursues. He suddenly feels cold. Other townsfolk call for the boy, but dare not go after him.
The boy’s leg plunges into a gopher hole and breaks. His dog comes to help, but is attacked and killed by a wolf. A pack of wolves surrounds the boy.
The Hermit leaves his house to aid the boy and is shot dead by the Father, who has retrieved a rifle. The wolves run off.
HORROR SITUATION: The boy unwittingly enters a zone of evil supernatural influence
Anxiety: The boy has been warned that it is dangerous to go onto the property, but does anyway.
Monster Reveal: The evil has a range of influence, identified by cold
Surprise: The boy’s leg goes into the gopher hole
Shock: The dog is attacked by a wolf and killed
Suspense: The wolves close in on the boy
Anguish: The townsfolk, including the boy’s parents, dare not go to help him
Shock: The Hermit is shot by the father
Monster Reveal: the evil is dispelled once the person it is tied to is killed
5 MONTAGE:
Felix narrates about the nature of luck as we see him enduring misfortunes throughout his life. As a child, he breaks his arm while playing little league and has to sit the big game out. In school, people pick on him. He never gets any dates. He finally makes it with a girl (Tina) at a college party. They become pregnant. They marry. Felix opens up a contract law office. Over time, the practice suffers and Felix and Tina get divorced. Finally, Felix is diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. The narration ends.
6 INT. FELIX’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
Felix sits alone, eating Chinese food and reading about inoperable tumors on the internet. He makes the comment that he wishes he could give someone else his luck right as he opens one of three fortune cookies. The fortune states: “You can.” Felix opens the next one. It reads: “Answer the door.”
There’s a faint tapping at the door.
7 EXT. FELIX’S PORCH – NIGHT
A wryneck bird surprises Felix. He goes back and gets the last cookie, opens it: “Make the deal.” Felix agrees to whatever deal the bird is offering. It attacks and scratches him, then disappears. The scratch is gone.
8 INT. FELIX’S KITCHEN – NIGHT
Felix looks at the fortunes; they’re all normal. He glances at the symptoms of brain tumors on his computer and sees “hallucinations.” He weeps.
HORROR SITUATION: Felix makes a deal with the Jinx.
Creepy Moment: The fortune cookies seem to be answering Felix’s thoughts.
Monster Reveal: a wryneck bird, like the one seen with the Hermit, is on the doorstep.
Creepy Moment: the last fortune cookie tells Felix to make a deal.
Surprise: Once Felix agrees to the ambiguous deal, the bird flies at him and scratches him.
Creepy Moment: the scratch disappears and the fortunes have become normal
Anguish: Felix thinks his tumor is causing him to hallucinate
9 INT. FELIX’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Tina arrives to have Felix sign the divorce papers. She notes that it’s cold.
10 INT. CAR – DAY
June waits in the car, texting with her boyfriend.
11 INT. FELIX’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Tina expresses concerns about June’s older boyfriend. She stubs her toe.
12 EXT. FELIX’S HOUSE – DAY
Felix goes to get the mail and talks to his neighbor. A mailman going by is drenched when the sprinklers come on. A passing car knocks the side mirror off the neighbor’s parked car.
13 INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE
The doctor notes that it’s cold in his office. Felix tells him he’s been feeling a little better, and the doctor expresses that his treatment has been going much better than expected.
14 EXT. FELIX’S HOUSE – DAY
Felix is talking with his neighbor again, who notes that it’s cold near Felix, though his wife across the fence doesn’t feel it.
The neighbor’s brother-in-law begins to back out of the driveway, unaware that his five-year-old nephew is in his path. Felix sees this at the last second. The boy’s mother throws herself against the back of the car, being knocked down as her brother hits the brakes. Crisis averted.
HORROR SITUATION: the brother-in-law is about to back the car over a young child
Monster Reveal: the neighbor notes the cold near Felix, a telltale sign of the Jinx’s influence; however, his wife further away does not feel the cold.
Suspense: the brother-in-law gets in the car, not realizing his five-year-old nephew is directly behind the car in the driveway
Dread: the car backs toward the child
Shock: The boy’s mother jumps behind the car and is knocked down
Release: the brother-in-law slams on the breaks before the child is harmed.
15 INT. JUNE’S BEDROOM
June and Ivar make out. June has the idea to sneak out and go to a hotel
16 EXT. HOTEL – DAY
Establish dilapidated hotel in the shitty part of town. A pregnant woman, Candyce, gets a case out of her car and enters.
17 INT. LOBBY
Lily checks in an older man, Alfred, who insists on tipping her even though she says it’s against policy. He goes up to his room.
Candyce and her wife Nico check in. Nico is grumpy, Candyce lighthearted.
18 INT. ALFRED’S ROOM
Alfred sits on the bed, looking sadly at a picture of his wife. There’s a gun in his suitcase.
19 INT. LOBBY
Nico, who doesn’t like elevators, asks where the stairs are. There are two staircase: one for the odd floors and one for the even floors.
20 INT. EVEN STAIRWELL
The stairs creak a lot as Nico ascends.
21 INT. FELIX’S LIVING ROOM
Tina calls. She doesn’t know where June is. Felix checks the tracker app on his phone and sees she’s gone to a hotel. He tells Tina he’ll take care of it.
22 INT. CANDYCE AND NICO’S ROOM
Candyce lights candles and tries to get Nico in a romantic mood.
23 EXT. INTERSECTION NEAR HOTEL – DAY
It’s cloudy overhead, thunder rumbling. Felix is waiting at a traffic light when a big rig turns on its side and crashes in the intersection, blocking the street to the hotel. No one is hurt.
HORROR MOMENT: a big rig crashes
Shock: the tire on the big rig blows
Suspense: it careens into the intersection, other cars swerving
Release: the driver climbs out, unharmed
Felix gets out of his car and jogs down the street to the hotel.
24 EXT. HOTEL – DAY
The wryneck watches as he enters.
25 INT. LOBBY
Lily’s pen leaks onto her hand as Felix approaches her. She notices a chill. Felix shows her June’s picture, asks if she’s in the hotel. Lily says she can’t divulge guest information. Felix tells her that if she doesn’t comply she’ll be party to statutory rape. A flustered Lily acquiesces.
26 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Mallory is on the phone with her mother when Felix comes off the elevator and suddenly her connection dies. She freaks when she sees a cockroach.
Felix hears the sounds of sex coming from a room and knocks on the door.
27 INT. PEARL AND AUTUMN’S ROOM
Pearl and Autumn are having sex in their room. Their condom breaks and Autumn rushes to the bathroom.
28 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Lily tells Felix it’s the wrong room, and leads him to the correct one. Ivar answers the door in his boxers, surprised to see Felix, who pushes past him.
29 INT. JUNE AND IVAR’S ROOM
Felix finds June wrapped in a sheet and tells her to get dressed. Both she and Ivar try to explain, but Felix is having none of it. Ivar knocks over a lamp and sets it back up without the shade.
30 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
The argument spills out into the hallway as Felix drags June away. Alfred enters the hallway and tries to calm everyone, advising Ivar to back down.
31 INT. PEARL AND AUTUMN’S ROOM
Pearl snorts cocaine. Autumn re-enters and asks him what all the noise is outside.
32 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
All the others come to check on the scene. Alfred’s pacemaker fails and he has a heart attack. Mallory tells someone to call an ambulance while she gets something from her room.
33 INT. MALLORY’S ROOM
Mallory gets a medical thing, not realizing that a bottle of naxolone drops to the floor.
34 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Mallory applies the medical thing to try and alleviate the attack. Felix gets off the phone, but remembers the accident at the intersection and realizes an ambulance won’t be able to get through. They decide to carry Alfred downstairs. The elevator busts. They have to take the stairs.
35 INT. EVEN STAIRWELL
As they head down, the stairwell collapses. Mallory nearly falls, but Felix and Ivar help her up.
36 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Alfred panics, says he’s not ready to die after all, fears there’s nothing on the other side. He dies.
HORROR SITUATION: Alfred has a heart attack and various accidents prevent anyone from getting him help
Shock: Alfred’s pacemaker fails and he begins having a heart attack
Suspense: Mallory runs to get him a medical thing that I’ll look up later
Anguish: Felix remembers that the intersection is blocked off and help won’t be arriving soon
Anxiety: the elevator busts; they are forced to take the stairs.
Shock: the staircase collapses
Terror: Mallory nearly falls to her death
Hysteria / Anguish: Alfred doesn’t want to die; everyone watches helplessly
Character Death: Alfred
Ivar comforts a frightened June, to her father’s vexation. Mallory is hit hard. She explains that she’s a former paramedic who quit because she got tired of seeing people die. She asks that they move Alfred out of the hallway.
37 INT. ALFRED’S ROOM
They lay him on the bed. Nico notices the gun.
38 EXT. INTERSECTION NEAR HOTEL – NIGHT
Police are trying to move the big rig, but it’s going to take time.
39 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Felix glances in a hallway mirror and sees his reflection start to become the Jinx.
HORROR SITUATION: Felix sees the Jinx for the first time
Creepy Moment: Felix sees his reflection begin to transform
Monster Reveal: the Jinx is bonded to Felix
People note the cold. Ivar goes to get a blanket for June.
40 INT. JUNE AND IVAR’S ROOM
Felix follows Ivar and talks to him about his relationship with June. Ivar trips and falls on the lamp, breaking the bulb which punctures his throat. Felix calls for help.
41 INT. HALLWAY
Mallory and June rush to the room.
42 INT. JUNE AND IVAR’S ROOM
Mallory tries to cover Ivar’s wound, but he dies. June and Mallory are suspicious of Felix.
HORROR SITUATION: A freak accident kills Ivar
Anxiety: we now know that it’s not safe to be around Felix
Shock: Ivar trips and impales his throat on the broken bulb
Suspense: Mallory rushes to give medical aid
Character Death: Ivar bleeds to death
Anguish: Mallory and June are upset, and both are suspicious that Felix may have killed Ivar
43 INT. HALLWAY
Pearl is for getting out of dodge, and Nico agrees. If they can just get to the floor below, they can take the other staircase. They open the elevator doors and find the car stuck between this and the next floor down. Nico and Pearl climb onto the car and open the ceiling hatch.
44 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT / CAR
They drop down and try to pry open the doors.
The cable suddenly snaps. The elevator drops several feet and the brakes take hold. Pearl and Nico scramble to get out. Autumn and Mallory kneel down to help pull them out.
Pearl coughs and becomes dizzy. He tries to help Nico up, but can’t. June and Autumn hold onto Mallory as she leans into the shaft. The brakes creak and the car drops an inch. Nico and Pearl are pulled out just as the car plummets.
HORROR SITUATION: the elevator cable breaks while Nico and Pearl are inside
Anxiety: Nico and Pearl climb into the elevator shaft in the middle of a horror movie; never a good idea
Suspense: Felix is nearby; something bad is sure to happen
Shock: the cable snaps and the car starts to fall
Suspense: Nico and Pearl aren’t sure whether to try to get the outer doors open or retreat; they go for the doors
Dread: the brakes creak
Suspense: the two evacuate the elevator car
Anguish: Mallory and Autumn can’t reach them, and Pearl begins suffering ill effects from the cocaine
Shock: the car drops an inch
Release: they manage to get Nico out
Terror: Pearl is still in the shaft
Panic: Pearl comes to his senses and tries to jump to the others
Terror: the brakes fail and the car plummets
Release: they grab hold of Pearl in the nick of time
45 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Mallory becomes horrified when she sees the head of Felix’s shadow flopping like the wryneck.
Confrontation. Felix tries to explain himself. People freak out. Autumn notices the cold. She moves to the far end of the hall and feels the difference in temperature. She suggests the cold indicates the range of the Jinx’s influence.
Felix agrees to quarantine in a room, but insists that June stay on the phone with him.
NOTE: Throughout, the symptoms of Felix’s tumor (fatigue, difficulty speaking, headaches, nausea, imbalance) subside and he becomes stronger, quicker, and more focused.
46 INT. TBD ROOM
Felix waits alone, not knowing what to do.
47 EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT
It thunders overhead and rain falls. Up the street, they’re still trying to drag away the big rig.
48 INT. TBD ROOM
Felix’s phone is nearing death. He finds a charger and plugs it into a power strip, the wryneck watching. There’s a spark and the power goes out.
49 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
The lights go out. They set up cell phones along the hallway to act as lights.
Cockroaches swarm over Mallory, who becomes hysterical, nearly backing into the open elevator shaft. Autumn calms her, has her step away from the shaft, and then removes the cockroaches.
HORROR SITUATION: Mallory is covered in cockroaches
Anxiety: the lights go out
Creepy Moment: cockroaches begin crawling onto Mallory
Panic / Hysteria: Mallory is terrified of insects and freaks out
Suspense: Mallory moves dangerously close to the elevator
Release: Autumn calms her and removes the cockroaches
Pearl’s overdose kicks into full swing. Recognizing the symptoms, Mallory runs to get the naxolone from her room. But Felix’s room is in between.
50 INT. TBD ROOM
Hearing the situation over the phone, Felix says he’ll get the naxolone.
51 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Mallory guides Felix over the phone. Felix exits his room and enters Mallory’s.
52 INT. MALLORY’S ROOM
Felix unknowing kicks the naxolone with his foot, sending it further under the bed. He can’t find it. His phone dies.
53 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Pearl is dying. Mallory throws caution to the wind and runs for her room.
54 INT. MALLORY’S ROOM
They scour the room. Mallory finds the bottle and bolts out.
55 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Felix follows her. Mallory trips while rushing it to Pearl and it slides toward open elevator. Autumn grabs it just before it goes over the lip and rushes it to Pearl. Too late. He’s dead.
HORROR SITUATION: Pearl is dying of a drug overdose
Shock: Pearl breathes with difficulty
Suspense: Mallory recognizes something must have been mixed in his cocaine
Fear: In order to get to the life-saving naxolone, Mallory has to pass Felix’s room
Suspense: Felix goes to the room instead, guided by Mallory over the phone
Anguish: Felix can’t find the naxolone. Meanwhile, Pearl is dying.
Panic: Mallory joins Felix in the search for the naxolone
Shock: Once she’s found it, Mallory trips and the naxolone almost goes into the elevator shaft
Character Death: they are too late to save Pearl
Monster Reveal: there’s some visual demonstration (TBD) that this causes the Jinx’s field of influence to spread
56 INT. NICO AND CANDYCE’S ROOM
A melting candle ignites the bed sheet in the room and a fire breaks out.
57 INT. HALLWAY / VARIOUS
Lily smells the smoke, goes to check. Shit! Fire! Lily runs to the fire cabinet. She grabs the extinguisher and Nico grabs the hose. Lily tries to put out the fire, but it’s too much. Nico’s hose won’t work.
They get bed sheets from another room and soak. Nico uses them to smother the fire, while the others form a bucket brigade, passing along ice buckets full of water. Eventually, the flames are extinguished.
Nico chokes on the fumes and collapses. Lily goes to help her up. The leg of a burnt dresser snaps. The dresser falls. Lily pushes Nico out of the way before being crushed by the dresser.
HORROR SITUATION: a fire breaks out
Surprise / Shock: a fire starts in Candyce and Nico’s room
Suspense: the characters scramble to put out the fire
Release: the fire is extinguished
Shock / Terror: the dresser falls on Lily and crushes her head
Character Death: Lily
58 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Autumn becomes hysterical. Candyce tries to comfort her, but Autumn becomes belligerent. Nico steps between them, and the two begin shoving each other. Autumn falls backward into the open elevator shaft. Nico screams “Nooo!”
HORROR SITUATION: an argument breaks out and Autumn is accidentally killed
Anxiety: emotions are running high and the characters begin bickering
Hysteria: Nico and Autumn begin shoving
Shock: Nico accidentally shoves Autumn backward into the elevator shaft
Character Death: Autumn falls to her death
Anguish: Nico is overwhelmed with guilt
Silence. Everyone is in shock. Then Candyce goes into labor.
Nico gets up and goes to Alfred’s room.
59 INT. ALFRED’S ROOM
Nico retrieves Alfred’s gun.
60 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
The others see Nico approaching. June stops her. There’s a struggle. The gun goes off, shooting Nico in the leg. She falls, another shot going off. It ricochets and nicks the artery in June’s neck.
61 INT. TBD ROOM
Felix hears the gunshots and Mallory screaming Nico’s name, and runs out.
62 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
Felix rounds the corner to see Mallory tending to Nico. Mallory gets the bleeding under control and tells Felix (who’s keeping his distance) she’ll be fine.
Felix tells her to throw him the gun. Nico tries to stop her, but Mallory complies. Just as Felix picks up the gun, an earthquake strikes.
63 INT. / EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT
Everyone wobbles. Windows shatter. Cracks form on the sides of the building. The lobby floor splits. Part of the ceiling collapses.
64 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
A piece of the ceiling caves in, blocking Felix from returning to his room. He tells the others to get away from him and keep June safe. As they are running away, the floor collapses beneath Mallory and she falls to her death.
Felix shares a final glance with June, then retreats into the furthest room he can. Candyce and Nico drag June away.
HORROR SITUATION: Nico attempts to kill Felix and everything goes to shit
Shock / Panic: Candyce goes into labor
Suspense: Nico retrieves Alfred’s gun and heads toward Felix’s room.
Shock: in a struggle, both Nico and June are accidentally shot
Panic: hearing the gunshot and his daughter’s name, Felix rushes to help
Terror: an earthquake strikes and the building begins to crumble
Character Death: the floor collapses beneath Mallory
Suspense / Hysteria: Felix tells the others to keep June safe before retreating into a room with the gun; he’s going to kill himself
65 INT. FARTHEST ROOM
The three enter the room.
66 INT. FELIX’S ROOM
Felix prepares to shoot himself and sees his reflection in the mirror. It fully transforms into the birdlike Jinx. Felix hears the Jinx’s voice in his head, learning that it wants to cause as much misfortune, suffering and death as possible. Felix has flashes of several historical accidents: the Great Fire of London, the Hindenburg Disaster, the Chernobyl meltdown, the Deepwater Horizon spill.
No more! Felix brings the gun to his head and fires. The gun jams. He smashes the window open, puts his foot on the sill. He slips on the rain water and falls on his back, spraining it, unable to move. The Jinx taunts him the whole while.
HORROR SITUATION: Felix attempts to kill himself
Suspense: Felix prepares to shoot himself
Creepy Moment: his reflection in the mirror is acting independently of him; it transforms into the Jinx
Monster Reveal: the Jinx tells Felix its desire to cause suffering and gives him a glimpse of its past atrocities
Shock: Felix pulls the trigger on himself, but the gun jams
Anguish: Felix attempts to jump out the window, but falls and is rendered immobile.
67 EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT
The fire truck is finally able to reach the hotel.
68 INT. NICO AND CANDYCE’S ROOM
The firefighter enters the window.
69 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
The firefighter notes the cold.
70 INT. FARTHEST ROOM
They hear him.
71 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
The three dread heading back toward the danger zone, but have no other choice. They meet the firefighter at hole in the floor. He tosses them a rope, pulling on it as June leaps across the gulf.
Candyce next. She grabs hold of the rope, jumps. The floors falls out beneath her as she lands, and she nearly pulls the firefighter and June down with her. Nico leaps over the pit and helps all three of them up.
HORROR SITUATION: the characters need to get over the hole in the floor to get to safety
Fear: the three women have to jump over the pit to get to safety
Suspense: June jumps first
Release: June makes it
Suspense: Candyce next
Shock: Candyce doesn’t make it, and she, June, and the firefighter nearly all go down together
Panic: Nico jumps without a rope
Release: Nico saves them all
72 EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT
It’s raining hard. The firefighter climbs onto the ladder and helps Candyce out the window. Everyone moves slowly.
The rubble beneath the fire truck shifts. The ladder shakes. The firefighter falls to his death. Candyce loses her grip and dangles over the ground below. Nico climbs out and saves Candyce. Another firefighter comes to retrieve Candyce, brings her down.
Lightning strikes a transformer. The power cable comes a-swinging. Nico slides down the ladder and leaps off just as the cable electrifies the ladder.
HORROR SITUATION: Candyce and Nico try to get down the fire ladder as accidents keep happening
Fear: it’s raining; the fireman slips, nearly falls; Candyce is terrified to climb out
Shock / Terror: the fire truck is jostled; the firefighter falls to his death; Candyce loses her footing and dangles by her hands
Character Death: the firefighter
Suspense: Nico climbs out to save Candyce; another firefighter climbs up to get her
Release: Candyce is brought down to safety
Shock / Terror: Lightning strikes a nearby transformer; a power cable threatens to electrocute the ladder and Nico
Release: Nico slides down onto the truck just before the ladder is electrified
It’s June’s turn. But instead of going down the ladder, she instead goes to rescue her father.
73 INT. FELIX’S ROOM
Felix has barely gotten to his feet when June enters. He tells her to get away. She reasons that the Jinx won’t allow him to die, so as long as they’re together, she’s safe.
74 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
June supports Felix as they stumble through the hall. The floor creaks. Debris threatens to fall. But they make it to the room.
75 EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT
The power pole slips and falls onto the fire truck, electrifying it. The truck explodes and the ladder falls.
76 INT. NICO AND CANDYCE’S ROOM
Now what?
77 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
They take the useless fire hose and drop it down the opening in the floor. Candyce holds onto her father’s back as he climbs down.
78 INT. NEXT FLOOR DOWN
They reach the floor and hobble toward the odd-number staircase.
79 INT. ODD STAIRWELL
They move slowly down the stairs. Bits of the staircase crumble, threatening to separate the two. The stairwell caves in. They falls down the stairs.
80 EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT
The whole thing is collapsing.
81 INT. STAIRWELL
The two climb over the debris. It’s blocking the door. They pull the door open just wide enough for one. Who goes first? They hold hands. Felix will go first and pull June after him.
82 INT. LOBBY
Felix gets through. A pillar collapses, exposing a water main. Water blasts shoves the door closed on June’s arm.
83 INT. STAIRWELL / LOBBY
Rubble falls all around June. Felix screams for help. Firefighters come running in to help. The roof of the stairwell caves in.
The firefighter and Felix get the door open and free June just in the nick of time. They flee to the exit, the building collapsing all around them. They leap out the door.
HORROR SITUATION: Felix and June escape from the collapsing hotel
Apprehension: Felix and June move together to the room where the fire ladder is waiting
Shock: the fire truck is destroyed and the ladder comes down
Fear: Felix and June are forced to find another way out
Suspense: they climb down the hole to the next floor down
Terror: the stairwell crumbles, the two are nearly separated, June is nearly killed; the entire building is coming down
Suspense: who goes through the door first?
Anguish: a broken water main spews high pressure water on the door, preventing June from being able to get out
Release: they all escape just as the building comes down
84 EXT. HOTEL – NIGHT
The hotel comes down. Everyone seems safe. A police car approaches.
85 INT. POLICE CAR – MOVING
The wryneck zips past the windshield and startles the driver.
86 EXT. HOTEL
The police car skids, hits the fallen power pole, flips.
Slow mo: it heads straight for June. Felix spins her out of the way, taking her spot. The car hits him, sending him flying into a standing piece of wall.
June comes to her dying father’s side. They have a final moment before he goes.
The wryneck flies off.
HORROR SITUATION: an out of control police car heads for June
Shock: the wryneck startles the police and their car goes out of control
Dread: the car is headed right for June
Anguish: Felix swings her out of the way at the last second and takes the blow
Character Death: Felix
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Hi Micah, great outline, very easy to follow and well organized. I came away with the story is more of a thriller ( a good one) than a horror genre. I think if you elevate the horror in the horror situations you still have the story you want, just more horrific, than scary and tragic. Scene 49 is a good example of being having horror, poor Mallory covered in cockroaches in the dark is definitely horrifying. Conversely Scene 72, is missed opportunity I think. Heck yeah one of the main characters should fry on that electrified ladder. That’s horrific way to go. Smart setting most of the action in the hotel.
There’s plenty of action in act 3 for horror. As long as you elevate the horror situations within the action, then I think it will still be all out horror. The opening scene with the wolves is also good horror and the unexpected shooting by the father. That made me gasp!
Great job, keep escalating and elevating, it will be even better.
Ed
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Thank you, Ed! Sound advice.
Would you like me to look over the outline you already have posted, or are you going to post a revision first?
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I have a version #2 on the way, feedback on that one , once posted would be great, thanks
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Gregg’s Outline v1
Took me a while, but finally got it done! It’s fun to see everyone’s full stories coming together!
Title: “Char”
Logline: When a corrupt developer’s new building goes up in flames, the employees must work together to survive a relentless fire creature hell bent on revenge.
1 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
Fire rages through an apartment building. The Fire Department arrives, but it’s not going to be an easy one to fight and there are still people in the building.
2 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
The fire chief rushes in to save them, but he gets trapped by falling debris, the result of shoddy construction. He has to watch the residents perish, while he himself burns to death slowly, and is engulfed in a ball of flames.
Horror Situation: The fire is raging and a family is trapped
SUSPENSE: Will the Fire Chief get to them?
RELEASE: He makes it past the flames to where the family is trapped
SURPRISE: The ceiling collapses on him
PANIC: He’s trying to escape being pinned so he can save the family
ANGUISH: He watches the family perish
HORROR: He burns to death3 INT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Some years later, another brand new building is seeing its first occupants, as the CEO of Haven Development welcomes his staff to their new office. The building isn’t even fully done yet, in fact their floor is the only one that is occupied. But nevertheless, several of the key employees are there, including the Senior VP, the Marketing Director and the CEO’s Assistant. Also in attendance for the walk through are the Architect of the building and the Contractor responsible for construction.
4 INT. OFFICES – DAY
As the architect inspects the building, he notices some things that are not up to his standards, and points them out. But the Contractor dismisses his concerns and the Marketing Director puts her usual positive spin on things.
5 INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY – DAY
When they try to leave, they find the elevator is not working. A Security Guard who is making his rounds tells them that a mechanic is working on it.
6 INT. STAIRWELL – DAY
When they try to access the stairwell, the door appears to be fused or painted shut and won’t open. The Security Guard suggests they wait in the office while he goes to check on the mechanic.
Horror Situation: They are now trapped in the office.
SURPRISE: The elevator doesn’t work
SUSPENSE: The stairway door won’t open
APPREHENSION: They don’t want to go back to the office7 INT. MACHINE ROOM – DAY
The Security Guard goes to the machine room, where he discovers that the mechanic has been charred to death and the control board and communications panels have been fried.
Horror Situation: The Security Guard finds the mechanic dead
APPREHENSION: He smells smoke outside the machine room
HORROR: The mechanic has been electrocuted and burned
FEAR: He sees smoke
DREAD: He has to tell the others about the death8 INT. OFFICE – DAY
He hurries back to the others to tell them about the mechanic.
9 INT. MACHINE ROOM – DAY
The group goes to see what happened to the mechanic and they are shocked by what they see.
Horror Situation: The group goes to look at the dead mechanic
DREAD: They are nervous about what they are about to see
SURPRISE: The door knob could be hot
RELEASE: It’s not hot
APPREHENSION: They slowly open the door
HORROR: The mechanic is burned to a crisp
FEAR: There could still be danger10 INT. STAIRWELL – DAY
A Janitor helps them get the stairway door open. They begin to descend, but there are flames below that block their way.
Horror Situation: They try to escape down the stairs, but run into the fire
SUSPENSE: They slowly descend
FEAR: Smoke fills the stairway
SURPRISE: The fire erupts out of nowhere filling the staircase and blocking their way
PANIC: They retreat11 INT. HALLWAY – DAY
They retreat and try another stairwell, but discover it is unfinished and impassable.
Horror Situation: They try to escape down another stairwell, but it is impassable
HYSTERIA: Several of them freak out about the fire
FEAR: They descend the stairs scared they will encounter the fire
SHOCK: They find the staircase is unfinished and impassable.
DREAD: They don’t want to go back up12 INT. ELEVATOR – DAY
The Janitor thinks he can access the elevator override, so he pries open the elevator doors and gets to work inside it.
13 INT. HALLWAY – DAY
The Contractor tells them there is a viaduct that can take them to the other side of the building, where the rear stairwell is. No one else is willing to crawl into the viaduct, so the Contractor goes alone.
14 INT. DUCT – DAY
The Contractor crawls through the viaduct but becomes stuck. A swarm of cockroaches scurry by. Smoke begins to surround him from behind, and flames crawl up his legs. He writhes in pain, trying to pat the fire out and get loose, but he can’t. Right before the fire engulfs him, he sees a face in the flames.
Horror Situation: He crawls through a claustrophobic air duct, gets trapped and burns to death.
APPREHENSION: Crawling through a tight space
SUSPENSE: What’s ahead in the darkness?
CREEPY MOMENT: Cockroaches scurry by
RELEASE: He continues on
FEAR: Trapped and engulfed in smoke and flames
MONSTER REVEAL: The fire has a face
HORROR: He is burned to death from the legs up15 INT. OFFICE – DAY
Back in the office, the others hear a scream. The duct collapses and the Contractor’s charred body falls to the ground, but there is no sign of the fire.
Horror Situation: The other witness the contractor’s dead body
SURPRISE: The body falls from the air duct
HORROR: The body is charred beyond belief
APPREHENSION: There is no apparent imminent fire
PANIC: They flee16 INT. ELEVATOR – DAY
They flee for the elevator and the Janitor now has it working, so they get in and try to go down. But the fire burns through the cable, and causes the elevator to drop suddenly and stop abruptly between floors.
Horror Situation: The elevator cable breaks and the elevator plummets
APPREHENSION: They are nervous to get in the elevator
SURPRISE: The cable snaps and the elevator falls
RELEASE: The car stops abruptly17 Smoke starts to fill the car. The Janitor tries to pry open the doors, but he has trouble. The SVP thinks she has a better idea to escape through the hatch, but when she opens it, the fire bursts through the hole with human-like arms, pulls her from the car and envelops her.
Horror Situation: Smoke fills the elevator, they try to escape but the fire creature grabs the SVP.
PANIC: Smoke starts filling the elevator car
SUSPENSE: They try to pry the doors open
HYSTERIA: THe SVP Decides to climb out the top hatch
SURPRISE: The fire erupts through the hatch into the elevator
RELEASE: They open the doors and climb out mid floor
MONSTER REVEAL: The fire creature reaches into the elevator and pulls the SVP up through the hatch
HORROR: She screams in pain as she burns to death18 INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY – DAY
The Janitor gets the doors open and they all climb out onto an unfinished floor of the building. The fire erupts into the hallway and they scatter for safety, separated by the flames.
Horror Situation: The fire follows them into the hall from the elevator
SHOCK: The fire comes at them from the elevator
PANIC: They scatter in different directions to get away19 INT. UNFINISHED HALLWAY – DAY
The Architect tries to escape down a hallway, but without being finished, it quickly becomes a maze of corridors. At every turn, there is fire at the end of the corridor. He frantically runs back and forth trying to find an exit, when he comes to a dead end. He turns around to backtrack, but the fire has him cornered. It takes human form and hugs him to death in flames.
Horror Situation: Lost: He’s trying to find his way out of the maze but is stopped at every turn.
PANIC: He runs back and forth down the hallways
SUSPENSE: Will the next turn free him?
FEAR: He comes to a dead end
HYSTERIA: He freaks out as fire approaches, scraping at the walls
ANGUISH: He is hugged by the flaming creature and burned to death20 INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
Meanwhile the CEO is trying to lead the rest of them to safety, but the fire erupts in a hallway. The Marketing Director is cut off from the rest. She grabs a fire hose and the fire monster pulls back, but the hose doesn’t work. The creature laughs and attacks her, grabbing the hose and strangling her with it (so she can’t even scream). She is then engulfed in flames and burned to death.
Horror Situation: The Marketing Director is strangled and burned to death
SURPRISE: Fire erupts in the hallway
RELEASE: She finds the fire hose
SUSPENSE: Will the hose push the fire monster back? No!
MONSTER REVEAL: The fire monster laughs
SHOCK: The fire monster grabs the hose and wraps it around her
PANIC: She tries to scream but can’t
HORROR: She is engulfed in flames and burned to death21 INT. UNFINISHED OFFICE – DAY
The others take refuge in an empty, unfinished office, where they argue about the fire and it’s strange behavior. The Assistant admits that she knows the shortcuts her boss takes. The Janitor supports her and the Security Guard is outraged. “If you took shortcuts in this building, then these deaths are on you.” They leave him in the office, slamming the door behind them on the way out.
22 INT. UNFINISHED OFFICE – DAY
The door gets stuck, and the CEO can’t get out. Smoke starts to fill the office. The fire monster tries to come through the door, but it can’t get through, so it smashes through a glass window to get at him. Wounded and scared, he falls on the floor, and the fire begins to engulf him. But he crawls away into a closet and slams the door. The fire engulfs the wall and door and he screams within.
Horror Situation: The fire monster smashes into the office and tries to kill the CEO
PANIC: The door won’t open
DREAD: Smoke starts filling the office
SURPRISE: The monster smashes through the glass
FEAR: He’s wounded and scared on the ground as the fire engulfs him
RELEASE: He crawls into a closet and slams the door.
HYSTERIA: He screams wildly as the fire covers the door
REVEAL: The fire door stops the fire23 INT. UNFINISHED CORRIDOR – DAY
The Security Guard leads the others through the unfinished corridors, looking for a way out, when the fire erupts from an empty office. He grabs a fire extinguisher and tries to fend it off while the Assistant and Janitor escape. But it runs out and the fire creature overtakes him. As it slowly burns him to death, he pulls out his pistol and shoots himself in the head to escape the pain.
Horror Situation: The Security Guard dies protecting the others
PANIC: Trying to put out fire
MONSTER REVEAL: The fire extinguisher can’t kill it
PAIN: He is burning to death
ANGUISH – They watch him burnHORROR: He shoots himself in the head
HYSTERIA – The Assistant freaks out.24 INT. MACHINE ROOM – DAY
The Assistant and Janitor duck into a machine room to take refuge. They try to come up with a plan to extinguish the fire creature. But water and fire extinguishers won’t work. The fire comes through large air ducts into the room and quickly surrounds them. They embrace each other in the impending doom.
Horror Situation: The fire surrounds them
SHOCK: The fire comes through the air ducts into the room
RELEASE: They embrace each other and prepare to die25 INT. OFFICE – DAY
The CEO bursts through the flames wrapped in fire retardant insulation. His flesh is charred but he is still alive. He gives them the insulation and tells them to run. The fire creature grabs him and throws him through the glass window to his death. The air rushes into the room and the fire swells.
Horror Situation: The CEO saves them but then is killer
SURPRISE: The CEO is burned horribly but still alive!
SHOCK: The fire creature grabs him
ANGUISH: Their savior is thrown out the window
DREAD: The fire swells
MONSTER REVEAL: The fire monster is affected by oxygen and wind26 INT. HALLWAY – DAY
The Janitor and Assistant make it out into the hallway and close the fire proof door. The Janitor realizes the fire needs oxygen, and he can reverse the HVAC machine to suck all the air out of the room, but he’ll have to go back in. And he’ll need the Assistant to distract the fire.
27 INT. OFFICE – DAY
They wrap themselves in insulation and he grabs a fire extinguisher and they rush into the room. He blasts the fire creature with the extinguisher which slows it enough for the Assistant to run into the room and distract it.
Horror situation: They take on the fire creature
APPREHENSION: They must go back into the burning room
SUSPENSE: Can they distract the creature?
RELEASE: The Janitor makes it to the HVAC unit28 INT. HVAC CLOSET – DAY
The Janitor begins work on the HVAC machine.
29 INT. OFFICE – DAY
The fire closes in on the Assistant backing her up towards the wall. Just as it’s about to close in on her the Janitor reverses the HVAC unit and the creature is sucked back into the air vents.
Horror Situation: The fire closes in on the Assistant.
FEAR: The fire pushes her towards the wall.
PANIC: She is up against the wall and trapped
SURPRISE: The HVAC Unit engagesRELEASE: The fire monster is sucked into the air vents
He embraces the Assistant. It’s over. But as they hug, smoke starts spewing from every vent in the room and the air ducts start shaking violently. All at once the fire explodes from every vent, and a hundred fiery tendrils reach out and grab the Janitor. He is pulled away from the Assistant, and the fire slowly burns him to death as she watches.
Horror Situation: The fire creature is not gone and attacks again
SURPRISE: The fire explodes into the room from every opening!
MONSTER REVEAL: Fiery tendrils grab the Janitor
PANIC: The assistant tries to hold onto himFEAR: He is pulled away by the fire creature
HORROR: He is burned to death
ANGUISH: She watches as he dies30 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
With the Janitor gone, the fire creature turns on the Assistant, forcing her into the conference room and toward the window. She climbs out on the ledge to get away, 50 stories up. The fire follows. It looks her in the face, she thinks she’s about to die and so she jumps from the ledge. But the fire creature has its arm around her and keeps her from falling. It gives her a sympathetic look and then the creature dives off the ledge taking all of the fire with it. It evaporates into smoke and disappears in the air. The assistant crouches, crying, on the window ledge.
Horror Situation: The fire closes in on the Assistant
SHOCK: Having just watched the Janitor die, she is in shock
FEAR: The fire creature chases her into the conference room
PANIC: She climbs out on the window ledge
DREAD: She is about to jump to her death
SURPRISE: The monster grabs her
MONSTER REVEAL: The monster is sympathetic and lets her go
RELEASE: The fire monster disappears into thin air31 EXT. BUILDING – DAY
The Assistant is in an ambulance being tended to. The Fire Marshal talks to her about the fire and tells her that it looks like it was due to shoddy construction. She tries to tell him about the creature, but he dismisses it as trauma. He tells her it happens. A similar thing happened some years ago, at another building that took shortcuts – and their fire chief was killed.
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Ed Lusk – OUTLINE VERSION # 2
Title Gift Exchange Hell
LogLine – A group of snowed in ski resort guest participate in a deadly gift exchange host by the demented Krampus and his evil partner, Saint Nicholas.
Horror Outline:
1- INT. CHARLOTTE AIRPORT – DAY
Teen, AVA, her parents, MIKE and LINDA, race for the gate, Ava lags behind, too cool to run. Frustration boils over, Ava curses her parents for being so nerdy. This is the RODAK Family.
2- INT. AIR PLANE – DAY.
The Rodak family fly to Burlington VT. It is bumpy flight. Ava proclaims she wished Christmas never happened. This trip is too stupid and onto of that – “I hope we crash and die”
HORROR SITUATION
Flying on a small commuter plane in a blizzard
Anxiety – will the plane crash?
Scares – one engine dies. Plane plummets.
Panic – we’re going to crash.
Release – Engine restarts – plane regain control
Creepy situation- did Ava’s cursing really cause this event?
3 – EXT. BURLINGTON AIRPORT – SHUTTLE BUS – DAY
Already on board, gay couple, JAMES & MICHAEL argue. Enter, REVEREND GENE, scholar/expert in pagans. The bus is just about to depart, the Rodaks get on too.
A SHERIFF warns a Nor’Easter will shut down the ski lodge. They be trapped for days.
4- INT. SKI RESORT – LOBBY – NIGHT
The place is deserted. Staff left ahead of the blizzard. The only ones left are MANAGER, bar tender TINA, and ski pro, SUSIE.
Eccentric strangers arrive. A man, long hair, scraggy beard, all in black, long coat and top hat. He is KRAMPUS, in disguise. His evil partner, SAINT NICHOLAS, red fur coat, white fur collar, gold walking stick, alpine style hat. No reservations.
HORROR SITUATION
Unnerving character – Two guest, Krampus and Nicholas, arrive looking out of the ordinary.
Apprehension – Already frustrated manager now feels threatened. Something is off.
Dread – they won’t go away easily. Can’t send them off into the storm either.
Creepy Moment – Krampus removes glasses – glowing yellow eyes.
Release – It appears they going to behave and be good chaps.
Terror – Nicholas kills the manager using his staff like a spear.
5- EXT. ROAD – SHUTTLE BUS – DAY
The travel guide falls off the bus into a ravine. Guests hesitantly agree to go on. It’s vacation time and weather getting worse. The driver will take care of it on the way back. All the riders express remorse, maybe they should not have left. Except Ava, she’s to self-centered to care.
6- INT. SKI LODGE – NIGHT
The guest from the shuttle bus check in. Nicholas is having fun behind the lobby counter pretend manager. He hands out room keys and invitations addressed to guests.
7- INT. GUEST ROOM – JAMES & MICHAEL – NIGHT
Unpacking – read the invitation – to a, “To Die For” arrival party in the bar tonight. Odd Christmas message. But it is open bar.
8- INT. GUEST ROOM – RODAKS – NIGHT
More arguing, Ava’s not going to the party. Fine. Also there’s no cell service. At least there’s Netflix.
9- INT. GUEST ROOM – REVEREND GENE – NIGHT
Gene examines the invitation with great interest. Smells the paper. He compares the handwriting to some reference in a text. He looks concerned.
10 – INT. SKI LODGE – BAR – NIGHT
The guest have assembled, Michael, James, Gene, Mike, Linda & TINA, the bar tender, complains to anyone who will listen on multiple topics . Krampus and Nicholas hold court. At this time they appear as eccentric, charming gentleman, serving as hosts.
Krampus notes Ava, is missing. She needs to be present. Mike, protests, but something sinister in Krampus’s request says he better go get her.
11 – INT. SKI LODGE – LOBBY – NIGHT
Guest and staff assemble. There’s a big Christmas tree with presents under it. Krampus and Nicholas explain they’re here for a gift exchange – with one catch the gifts contain a present to be used in killing off another guest.
Nicholas reveals that he knows each guest holds a terrible secret. A secret that needs retribution for. James blurts out about not stopping for the shuttle bus accident. Nicholas appreciates the confession but that’s not it.
Krampus assures them, they will shout out their secret to save their souls. He ponders, It might work, it might not.
Tina makes for the door. Nicholas walking stick, transforms into a bishops staff, with a hook on the end. It telescopes around her neck. It tightens, she turns blue as she dragged back into the room. She’s the first to go.
12- INT. BAR – NIGHT
TIna drinks her troubles away. She reaches under the bar, finds a revolver and tucks it away. The lobby clock strikes 7 bells.
13- INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
The guest assemble for the 7 o’clock killing. Tina’s the victim. But by who’s gift?
They all turn to the bar where Tina, emerges, drunk. Looking defeated. Linda pleads for this to end now. Mike tries to intervene. Krampus sends him sailing against the wall. He’s knocked out.
Tina pulls the gun, rather than pointing it at Michael she empties the gun, firing at Nicholas and Krampus. No effect. Laugh it off. Krampus call on Michael to deliver his “Gift”
HORROR SITUATION
Tina the bar tenders going to be killed by a guest.
Surprise – Tina can’t believe their intentions – joke right?
Suspense – what’s the gift for killing. By who?
Shock – Michael’s going to be the killer
Release – Mike or Michael? Krampus and Nicholas argue over the screw up with the identical names.
Release – Tina confesses she’s been steeling from the bar. Saved?
Panic – James tries to escape. BF, Michael, will kill Tina.
Terror – Michaels gift to Tina is death by a hedge trimmer. It’s messy.
Creepy Moment – the lights go off.
14 – INT. GUEST ROOM – JAMES & MICHAEL – NIGHT
James is an emotional wreck. Micheal’s confesses he’s surprised by his embracing the power of murder.
15 – INT. GUEST ROOM – THE RODAKS – NIGHT
Mike has ice on his head. Linda believes reasoning with these strangers will get them out of this. Ava trying to convince them this some prank for social media. Just wait and see. It sounds reasonable, give the situation. But still, are they with psychopaths?
16 – INT. GENE’S ROOM – NIGHT
Reverend Gene, anxious, is flipping through pages of his pagan text books. Pictures of Krampus and Saint Nicholas escapades, flip over the pages.
17 – INT. MEAT LOCKER – NIGHT
Gene and Michael carry Tina into the meat locker. Gene tells Michael he’s been studying the Krampus for years. There’s a chance of defeating them but it’s risky. Michael recommends overpowering them. Gene dismissed that idea. They can’t be taken, at least not alive.
18- INT. BAR – NIGHT
Krampus invites Michael for a drink – he killed the bartender after all. Krampus admits he admires Michael. He’s got a certain panache that’s attractive. With a wink, he tells Michael he has a proposition for him. One that he will like.
19 – INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Krampus flings Gene at the fireplace. He’s held near the flame long enough to suffer for his planned betrayal. Krampus announces we shall gift exchange again at 8 Bells.
Krampus , invites Michael to join him for a drink, since he killed the bar tender he’ll have to mix drinks.
20 – INT. GUEST ROOM – THE RODAKS – NIGHT
There’s a knock, Reverend Gene at the door. Linda tends to his burns. Gene hears of the air plane incident. Gene suggest Krampus, was summoned here as a fan of naughty children. Ava freaks out that her curse of the holiday and hopes of death summoned Krampus to the ski resort. She is to blame for Krampus & Nicholas being here.
Gene discusses a plan with Mike for killing Saint Nicholas, he’s not as strong as Krampus, Nicholas is only the messenger essentially. They work together as a pair. Michael has his doubts.
21- INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Susie sits nervously. She’s alone. Michael , Krampus, Nichols arrive. No one else is here. The clock strikes eight. Krampus tortures Susie, her screams bring down the others from their rooms. Gene is the next victim since he’s a traitor and a pain in Krampus’s butt for many years. The Gift is FROM Mike TO Gene.
HORROR SITUATION
Gene is about to be killed by Mike.
Anxiety – how will Gene be killed?
Shock – the killing gift is a cross bow.
Suspense – Mike will get one shot from the second story landing.
Unnerving character – Father and husband about to be a killer
Release – Mike misses Gene but kills Nicholas (accident?) instead. The 8 PM killing rule is satisfied none the less.
Terror – Nicholas disembodies , piece by piece, he departs through the fireplace and up the flue.
22 – INT. SKI PRO OFFICE – NIGHT
Ava, Linda and Susie are in the office. Susie reveals there’s a way to get to the ski lift shed and down the mountain – but the person has to be small – like Ava. She protests but Linda convinces Ava she must risk it.
23 – INT. BASEMENT – UTILITY ROOM – NIGHT
Ava, Linda and Susie hatch an escape plan for AVA.
24 – INT. JAMES & MICHEAL’S ROOM – NIGHT
There’s a way to kill Krampus. The bolt that killed Nicholas is in the lobby. It has his blood on it. If Krampus can be stabbed with it, it can kill him. Blood of the blood curse.
25 – INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
The clock loudly strikes 9 PM, not one is around except Krampus and Reverend Gene. Gene not good and hiding his plan glancing at the cross bolt bolt on the floor.
Krampus sits by the fire. He appears to me meditating. Tongues of fire from the fire place snake around the complex seeking those hiding.
26- INT. BAR – NIGHT
Michael and James are chased out by the fire.
27 – INT. RODAKS GUEST ROOM – NIGHT
Ava and Linda are chased out by the flames.
28 – INT. SKI LODGE – UTILTY ROOM – NIGHT
Susie is chased out from her hiding location.
29 – INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Before long they are all back in the lobby. The tension is high. Linda pleads for this cruel exchange end immediately. Ava wants him to just go away. Reverend Gene warns Krapmus he’ll not get away with this. James is in the verge of hysteria.
Next gift FROM James to AVA. It’s a fancy scarf, not for wearing, for strangulating.
HORROR SITUATION
Young teen girl strangulated by hysterical man.
Dread – Everyone got the sick idea of the gift exchange by now
Panic – Ava too young to die
Hysteria- James is no killer, he’s falling apart.
Horror – Ava admits it not the first time she tried strangulation. James wraps the scarf around her neck. Ava eyes bulge, she turns blue. Gasps for air that’s not there.
Surprise – Ava breaks free.
Release – she won’t be strangled to death.
Suspense – will she escape? – she runs for the basement
30 – INT. BASEMENT UTLITY ROOM – NIGHT
Ava and Susie storm down the stairs. Susie flips open the trap door. Ava climbs in. James screams for her to stop. Krampus will kill him if she gets away. Ava kicks free and climbs onward. Susie clocks James across the back with a large wrench. Ava disappears into the dark shaft.
31 – INT. SKI LODGE – LOBBY – NIGHT
Reverend Gene watches Krampus retrieve the cross bow. Obviously he’ll go for the bolt next. Gene times his move. He lunges for the bolt, just as Krampus goes for it. Krampus stomps his foot down on Genes’s hand, smashing it. Gene blurts out he’s a child molester. Krampus stabs Gene in the eye with the bolt. Blood spurts everywhere. Krampus goes to the second story landing that over looks the ski shed.
32 – INT. SKI LODGE – SECOND STORY LANDING – NIGHT
Krampus pushes open the double doors. Through the blizzard Ava is seen fussing about in the ski lift shed. Krampus waits for an open moment.
33 – EXT. SKI LIFT SHED – NIGHT
Ava throws some levers releasing the brakes on the lift. The chairs start to move down the mountain. She hops into one. She clears the shed , out into the open.
34 – INT. SKI LODGE – SECOND STORY LANDING – NIGHT
Krampus steadies the cross bow. Ava in his sights just twenty yards away. His about to pull the trigger when CRACK – Linda slugs him over the head with the wrench from the utility room.
HORROR SITUATION
Ava watches her mother, Linda get bludgeoned to death by Krampus.
Anxiety – will Ava escape or get caught?
Shock – Linda strikes Krampus over the head with a wrench
Fear – Krampus is a monster. He will retaliate.
Horror – Linda yells out Ava’s adopted. Linda is bludgeoned to death by Krampus
Hysteria – Ava loses it on the ski lift.
Surprise – Krampus takes a shot at Ava with the cross bow – misses
Release – Ave escapes down the ski lift.
Mike charges of the stairs to attack Krampus. With a wave of his hand, Krampus sends Mike flying off the stairs onto the deer antler chandelier. He’s impaled on it, left swinging over the lobby.
35 – INT. SKI LODGE LOBBY – NIGHT
Krampus returns to the lobby, bloodied. He seethes at Susie, she jabs at him with a ski pole. Krampus forces her down the stairs to the utility room.
36 – INT. SKI LODGE – BASEMENT – UTILITY ROOM – NIGHT
The giant fly wheel controlling the ski lift turns slowly. The cables snap tight. Krampus pushes Susie down the stairs. Michael and James follow. She lays stunned next to the spinning wheel. Susie confesses she cheated to win her gold medal.
HORROR SITUATION
Susie about to be fed into the gears for the ski lift mechanism.
Fear – James and Michael have to throw Susie into the gears.
Anxiety – it’s a strange way to die.
Shock – they pick her up by the feet and hands and toss her into the fly wheel.
Horror – Susie’s body ground up like in a food processor.
Surprise – Susie gums up the works – the ski lift stops.
37 – EXT. SKI LIFT – NIGHT
Ava rides the ski lift down mid-mountain. Then it jerks to a stop leaving her thirty feet in the air.
38 – INT. UTILITY ROOM – NIGHT
James and Michael are the last two left. One must kill the other for the game to end. Krampus doesn’t have a preference. They refuse. James, hysterical, runs outside, up to his waste in snow. The blizzard rages on. Michael calls after him. Krampus – He won’t get far.
39 – INT/EXT. SKI LODGE GARAGE – NIGHT
The door raises and the snow groomer machine plows out into the snow. Michael’s driving it.
40 – EXT. SKI SLOPE – NIGHT
James barely makes it down the slope. He’s screaming for Ava. He can’t see through the storm. Up the slope the glaring lights of the snow groomer marks it approach.
41 – INT. SNOW GROOMER – NIGHT
Krampus spots James ahead- he points the direction out for Michael. They close in.
42 – EXT. SKI LIFT – NIGHT
Ava hears her name being yelled but from where? She can’t see anyone. She screams out – JAMES? She takes out her phone and turns on the flash light.
43 – EXT. SKI SLOPE – NIGHT
James sees Ava’s light. He tries to make his ways to that direction.
44 – EXT. SKI LIFT – NIGHT
James yells at Ava they are coming for her. She needs to get down and run. She’s afraid too high. James climbs up reaches for Ava and helps her over the the lift tower. They climb down together. James says he’ll hold them off. Ave need to run for the road for safety. She proclaim he’s the bravest man she knows.
45 – INT. SNOW GROOMER – NIGHT
James appears in the snow groomer’s lights. He starts running as best he can down the slope. James stays inline with the lift towers. Krampus tells Michael to run him over. Michael guns the groomer. The distance to James getting closer. Krampus smiles. He loves this stuff.
46 -EXT. SKI SLOPE – NIGHT
James is exhausted. He can barely move in the heavy snow. The groomer is nearly upon him. He makes a last dash for the next ski lift tower. He yells out he’s never loved Michael. Before he reaches it the groomer runs him over. The snow turns red.
HORROR SITUATION
James is run over by the snow groomer machine driven by Michael.
Anxiety -it’s difficult to run away in the blizzard.
Fear – The machine is getting closer, blades snapping
Suspense – will James make it?
Horror – He falls.The snow groomer churns him up. Snow turns red.
Creepy Moment – Krampus eats the red snow.
47 – INT. SNOW GROOMER – NIGHT
Distraught – Michael loses track of where the groomer is. It smashes into the ski lift tower. The occupants rocked against the windshield. Nothing but the sound of the blizzard raging outside.
INT. LOBBY – NIGHT
Krampus and Michael cozy up next to the fire. Krampus assures Michael he will stay young and handsome for as long as they are together. But there’s a price. There’s always a price.
48 – INT. PARIS – HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
A fancy hotel suite, Krampus stands by the window, admiring the view of the Eiffel Tower. Michael emerges from the bathroom wearing a towel. His hair wet. Krampus says he has something from Micahael, who seems unsure of the implication.
Michael opens the gift. It’s a miniature version of a guillotine. Big enough to take off a thumb, or worse. Krampus tugs at Micahael’s towel. It falls off.
49 – EXT. PARIS HOTEL – NIGHT
From inside Krampus’s room we hear Michael scream out in agony. The scream goes on and on as we pull away from the building flying across the Paris sky. The lights on the Eiffel Tower go off.
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A group of strangers including a gay couple trapped in a hotel together? No one will ever watch it! 😉
I like this setup a lot. Love creepy Krampus, his side kick Nicholas who ends up getting replaced in the end. I love snowbound settings. Love the characters being forced to kill one another, and the terror of the gift exchange.
I don’t follow the rules of the gift exchange, though. Krampus seems perfectly happy killing people on his own, so why make the others do it? What compels them to go through with it? Why is there an hour between killings?
Might I suggest a tweaking to the process: instead of Krampus choosing the victim, the victim’s name is drawn out of a hat. This will create more suspense. The killer is given an hour to commit the murder or else they die by supernatural means; perhaps they suffer a heart attack of their skin melts off or something. This creates a moral dilemma on both sides; by evading death, the intended victim condemns their would-be killer to death. During that hour, some people might chase their victim throughout the lodge. Others might spend that time talking to their victims, the two trying to come to an understanding—divulge their sins, try and decide whose is worse. Another might refuse to act while someone they love tries to motivate them to commit the murder. That kind of stuff. Keep the guests doing the killing and not Krampus; otherwise the gift exchange seems to lose meaning, and we lose a lot of juicy human drama (what if Ava has to kill one of her parents? or visa-versa?). It should be explained early on that one winner will get to live (though they might not necessarily know that the winner becomes Krampus’s assistant).
The secret sins for which there needs to be retribution seems imbalanced; a child molester, a woman stealing from the till, a man who doesn’t truly love his husband… some of these sins seem negligible. Ava especially, a grumpy teen who curses Christmas, seems like an odd choice to be the one who accidentally summoned Krampus. It might go better if you have a gathering of individuals with darker secrets, “And Then There Were None”-style.
Why does an arrow kill Nicholas but not bullets? Why set up Krampus’s weakness and not pay it off?
Krampus’s powers are a bit unclear. If he can do magic and control fire and such, why does he need a crossbow to kill someone, or to have Michael drive a snow groomer? You might consider removing the supernatural element altogether. Krampus could just be a sadistic person who’s brought all these guilty people together, again Agatha Christie-style. That might seem like a radical suggestion, and I’m not saying you should do it, just that you might.
Ava seems to be set up as the protagonist, but we lose her in the end. She doesn’t help save the day or grow as a character, and we don’t see what happens to her.
Again, I think this is a really cool premise, and I hope my suggestions are useful to you. Cheers!
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Thanks Micah, great feedback. Yes , you nailed the crux of the issue -the rules of the game need work, and secondary, the characters participating better understood their motives and secrets. Many possibilities! Appreciate it.
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HI, Edward:
(Thanks for your detailed notes. I know I need more Version drafts.)
I like your premise. A kill club with rules. It’s structured well.
All the characters seem different and interesting.
To select the killer and victim, perhaps they could roll dice or predict random numbers.
You might dramatize and build the goriness till it’s over-the-top when the flywheel grinds up Susie.
Susie ground up might be built to a better climax than James getting run over by the snow groomer.
Remember FARGO when the body went into the wood chipper and red flecks land on the snow?
There could be some hints as to why these people are willing to kill or be killed by strangers on a ski trip. (Maybe you covered that and I missed it.)
Thank you again,
Tom-
Thanks Tom, you just reminded me of FARGO, ugh now I’m queasy. LOL Good insights to the story. Yes, the “game” needs more fleshing out. Something to connect all the apparent strangers, or are they? Almost like a Agatha Christie novel, there’s something under the surface that should be revealed that binds them to their collective fate. Fun stuff. Good luck in your writings.
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Tom’s Outline Version 2
Title: TO SERVE HUMANS
Logline: A boy grows up competing with homeless cannibals who eat children.
Horror Situation – Teen who attends prom has sex with a monster.
Scene: Hot summer night. High school prom in the gym. Music is loud. Dozens of high school seniors including Mabel and Stu dance. Later, Mabel goes to the ladies.
Anxiety: She returns. Gym’s now empty. Spooky. Lights off. Silence is deafening. She walks cautiously. Gym’s reverted to pre-WWII smelly basement it once was.
Surprise/scare: She goes to exit. Door is locked. Outside a foot of snow. Eerie noises. Wind shakes door. Frigid air blows in. She shivers. Gasps, breathes faster.
Release: She rushes back into the restroom. Closes her eyes. Great relief.
Shock: She opens her eyes. The dark room’s now grimy janitor closet it was decades ago.
Fear: The door slams shut behind her. She grabs the handle. It’s locked.
Dread: She feels a draft on her neck. Reluctantly turns around. Window is open. A black, shiny-with-slime creature slithers in. Long tail twitches. Vanishes into blackness. She shrieks. Can’t breathe.
Release: She grabs door handle. This time it opens. Jumps out. Slams door shut. OMG. That was too close. Great relief. Starts to breathe again.
Panic: She’s still in the room! Draft on her neck. Slow turns. Black slimy creature towers over her.
Anguish/Disgust: She retreats. Creature pushes her against a wall. Sniffs her. Penis at the end of its tail slides up her bare legs. Under her panties. Her bra. Probes, slithers into her mouth.
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
1. EXT. ALLEY – DAY/NIGHT
Nine months later, Mabel gives birth in the bed of a pickup truck parked in an alley. M’Lord gives the baby boy to a homeless man.
2. INT. HOMELESS TENT IN A HOMELESS CAMP – DAY/NIGHT
Homeless man raises Andrew. Eight years later he dies. M’Lord, now the leader of homeless cannibals takes Andrew to an orphanage. Andrew says, “I want to live with you, Dad.” M’Lord says I’m not your father. Andrew says, “I saw what you did to my Mom.” M’Lord says that’s impossible. You weren’t even born yet. Andrew says his dreams told himall all he needs to know about him. M’Lord abruptly disappears. Father Mike invites Andrew to come in and look around.
3. EXT. ORPHANAGE – DAY
Horror Situation – Millicent visits the orphanage to adopt and eat a boy child.
Suspense: Father Mike shows Millicent the kids. Andrew hides but she adopts him.
Dread: A mind reader, Andrew intuits she wants more than simply to adopt him.
Shock: She locks him into a toddler’s stroller. He tries to free himself but can’t.
Monster Reveal: She stops at a teardown house. She stares at the lock. It magically springs open.
Fear: Inside she puts a cloth with a chemical over his mouth. This scares Andrew. He passes out.
Anguish: Andrew wakes up as she padlocks him in a hot oven. She sharpens a carving knife.
Relief: She visits the bathroom. He stares at the padlock. It pops open. He rolls out of the oven.
He crashes through a window to escape. She follows but cuts herself and bleeds out. He bakes her in the oven and makes the best meal he’s ever had.
Detective Mabel finds his fingerprints and mistakenly identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s.
Monster Reveal: When cops arrive, Andrew launches from the roof, Flies off. Circles and returns.
Andrew stares down at Mabel standing by her car. His super hearing heard “Andrew” called out. From 300 feet up he hears Mabel tell Ethel she has to pick up Tara from daycare.
4. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY
Other orphans hate Andrew because he’s cute and more adoptable. He has panic attacks. Mean boys bully him. Betsy and Clare shame him when he flunks a writing exam. Clare flashes her bare chest at him. Elsie thrusts his hand in her pants. He turns red, hides. Later Andrew fondles his “Andrew” name tag from the homeless camp.
5. EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Horror Situation – A man wearing an electrical worker uniform, his face hidden by a cape, claims Andrew is his son and takes him from the orphanage.
Suspense – They drive in a utility truck to electrical towers off a deserted two-lane highway.
Creepy Moment – The man’s skin is scaly like the Black Lagoon creature. Andrew notices his own skin is somewhat scaly.
Panic – He hooks Andrew up to a high-power cable. Gives him a high voltage shock.
Monster Reveal – Andrew flaps his arms, flies around, has strange hallucinations.
Surprise – The man attacks Andrew who accidently kills him.
Release – Andrew walks to the orphanage.
6. EXT. COLD, WINDY, RAINY CITY STREET – NIGHT
M’Lord shows homeless cannibals the orphanage. Gives Millicent phony adoption paperwork.
7. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY
Millicent picks out Andrew and adopts him.
8. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY
Horror Situation – Andrew, disguised as Verna adopts and BBQs Betsy.
Surprise – In disguise, Andrew adopts Betsy from the orphanage. Takes her to an abandoned house across the state line in the Arizona desert.
Shock – He cooks her over a backyard barbecue pit.
Suspense – Cops arrive. Andrew hides in the bathroom. SWAT team enters. He has vanished.
Monster Reveal – Outside a tiny Andrew exits a sewer. As he runs away, he grows back to full size.
Release – Rooky cop Ethel finds a fish scale. She’s promoted to a crime scene forensics specialist.
ACT 2A — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
9. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
Horror Situation –Andrew cooks and eats Clare.
Suspense – Andrew coaxes Clare to sneak out with him. Takes her to a random house.
Terror – A housewife comes home. Finds Andrew bathing Clare in her kitchen sink.
Later, husband returns from work. Finds human bones in the sink. Runs screaming from the house.
Shock – Cops arrive. Andrew slips out under the back door. As he runs away, Andrew returns to his full size.
During recess, Andrew takes one of the mean boys, David to a deserted mansion and gives him a bath. He bakes a cake, cuts a slice and serves it to him. After a few bites, David convulses, has a seizure. Andrew cuts him up and roasts him.
10. INT. EMPTY HOUSE – DAY
In another kitchen, Andrew jams Elsie’s hands down the garbage disposal and turns it on. A housewife arrives and surprises him in her kitchen. He does the same thing to the housewife’s hands and suffocates them both in black plastic bags.
11. EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY BRIDGE – NIGHT
He throws the bags off the bridge. They land in the river. Sink to the bottom.
12. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
Three mean boys gag Andrew and throw him down a staircase. He flies back up and kicks their butts.
13. EXT. RAINY CITY STREET – NIGHT
M’Lord leads a dozen homeless cannibals to checkout an ancient Catholic orphanage.
14. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY.
Years later, Father Mike walks Millicent through the game room. Boys and girls pretend to have fun but really hope this lady or anybody will adopt them. Millicent notices Matt and adopts him.
MILLICENT
And how long has this young man been with you?
FATHER MIKE
Seven or eight years.
MILLICENT
He was left on your doorstep in November, wasn’t he?
FATHER MIKE
Why… Yes, as a matter of fact. How did you…She hands him paperwork from her shopping bag.
MILLICENT
I just want to lad to be a good meal. Uh, that is, get a good meal.
The priest gasps and drops the papers. He stares at a carving knife in her bag.
MILLICENT
No worries. I work — I mean volunteer — at the homeless shelter kitchen.Midpoint: Homicide detective Mabel and forensics specialist Ethel meet at a homicide cop conference, compare crime scene notes and find the evidence points to a single killer—Andrew.
15. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
A mean boy hides a note under Elsie’s pillow. Later she reads the note which gives her and address where she’ll meet her blind date. She’s overwhelmed.
16. EXT. DESERTED TOTALLY DARK MANSION – NIGHT
Elsie opens, climbs in the kitchen window over the sink. Flips the light switch. No light goes on.
Horror Situation: Elsie enters mansion in search of her blind date.
Anxiety: A bat smashes into her hair, gets entangled. She shrieks. Bat flies out the window.
She searches the kitchen. Cobwebs, spooky noises, clogged toilet smells.
Surprise/scare: A horse whinnies. Lightning flash: A creature on a stallion. Flash again. It’s gone.
The dark creature slithers under the backdoor into the kitchen.
Shock: She has a Boa constrictor in one hand. A human fetus in other. Boa inhales fetus. Vanishes.
She answers her phone. Ethel says they’ll be there ASAP. She sobs her gratitude.
Fear: She hears unhuman sound, races through the mansion and tiptoes up the creaky staircase.
Andrew abruptly appears before her. She gags at the blood and tissue on his mouth. He giggles.
He taps his head switching on a waltz. He takes her in his arms and dances her into the bathroom.
Release: She’s relieved. Smiles delight at seeing him again.
He sits on the side of the tub, pulls her down onto his lap and inhales her fragrances.
Dread: She reacts to a serious cut on the top of his head.
He reaches behind her and retrieves a China tea pot. In the other hand he holds a matching tea cup.
Release: She sips, smiles. It’s just the way she likes her tea. She’s relieved and slowly relaxes.
Panic: He looks up and is face to face with the dark creature.
Anguish: The creature crawls on top of her like a blanket. She shrieks.
Shock – Later Andrew removes gristle off a femur. Drops it into the bone pile in the kitchen sink.
He hears noise, sees police SUV pull up. Ethel jumps out, gun drawn, runs toward backdoor.
Andrew lifts a foot off the kitchen floor and flies through the mansion to the stairs.
Monster Reveal – He zooms to the second floor without touching a step.
Release – Ethel slips in the backdoor. Meets Mabel in the kitchen. They relax but only for a moment.
Mabel turns on her flashlight. They gasp and are repulsed by the pile of bones in the sink.
From the top of the stairs, Andrew stares down at them and waves bye.
Ethel spots him, screams. She and Mabel pull out their pistols and run to the foot of the stairs.
Andrew laughs, turns to a window that abruptly opens. He flies effortlessly out the window.
Mabel examines Andrew’s DNA found at the scene and discovers it’s very similar to her own DNA.
Under hypnosis at a psychiatrist’s office, she unblocks a memory of giving birth to Andrew. M’Lord said he’d see to it the child has a good home and left her propped up in the pickup truck.
ACT 4 — FULL OUT HORROR
FIGHT TO THE DEATH
17. EXT. MABEL’S HOME PATIO – NIGHT
Mabel rushes out to Tara’s empty stroller. A note inside says “Let’s play hide and seek.” She gasps. Her daughter is being held by a homicidal maniac.
She pulls up an app on her phone, sees Tara’s phone moves toward the dockside wharf, and shouts into her phone as she runs to her police car.
MABEL calls, tells Ethel he’s got Tara. They’re at the marina warehouse. No sirens.
Horror Situation – Andrew
He tasers Floyd and takes him to a loading dock at a closed factory. (Floyd led the mean boys who made Andrew’s life miserable.)
Monster Reveal – He chains him, gets on a forklift and pulls the chair he wrapped around his waist until Floyd’s abdomen pops from his stomach. His spine snaps. His liver protrudes.
18. INT. MARINA WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
They freeze when they see Andrew’s right hand holds a razor to Tara’s throat.
Mabel shakes. She can’t breathe. She’s in shock. Panic attack. Aims her gun with both shaky hands.
Ethel steps in front of her.
She carries Tara to Ethel who’s lethargic. Stares dreamily up at Mabel.
Abruptly, Andrew thrusts a knife at Mabel.
She brushes the knife aside. Grabs Ethel’s pistol and empties it into Andrew. It has no effect.
In his right hand, Andrew holds a straight razor to the throat of Tara, Mabel’s little girl. Tara giggles and enjoys whatever game they’re playing.
HYSTERIA – Mabel takes careful aim. Ethel yells, “NO! He’ll kill Tara.”
Mabel hesitates. Ethel shoots Andrew in his right shoulder. He drops the razor.
He snatches a steak knife with his left hand, prick’s Tara’s neck.
He dares them to shoot because he’ll kill Tara.
Mabel fires her pistol until it’s empty.
Andrew slides across the floor bleeding profusely. Mabel sees how much he resembles M’Lord.
Mabel runs to Tara. Picks her up. Presses her little girl’s neck wound.
THRILLING ESCAPE FROM DEATH
Ethel aims and fires a bullet into M’Lord’s heart. Mabel calls it in and comforts Tara.
DEATH RETURNS TO TAKE ONE OR MORE.
Andrew reappears, throws a knife. It plunges into Ethel’s throat. She slumps to her knees. Bleeds out.
RESOLUTION
19. INT. ROSE HILLS CEMETERY – DAY
Mabel and Tara stand before Ethel’s gravestone.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tom Wilson.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tom Wilson.
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Hi Tom congratulations on completing your draft outline. Remind me not to have dinner at your house – LOL J.K.
I don’t know if this is intentional but there are repeat actions in the outline – could be some form of time travel? Trying to illustrate the horror structure? It distracts from the story. If you can clarify in future drafts that will help.
Scene 7
Detective Mabel finds his fingerprints and mistakenly identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s.
Scene 17
Detective MABEL finds his fingerprints and identifies Millicent’s burned hulk as Andrew’s body.
Repeating Clare’s
In scene 9 Clare is killed and eaten yet reappears in scene 14 then eaten again in 18 & 22.
9. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
Horror Situation –Andrew cooks and eats Clare.
14. INT. ORPHANAGE – NIGHT
That night Clare flashes her bare chest at him. Andrew is embarrassed
18. INT. RANDOM HOUSE – NIGHT
Horror Situation – Andrew cooks and eats Clare and a housewife.
22. INT. ORPHANAGE – DAY
Horror Situation – Andrew cooks, eats and disposes of Clare and a housewife.
Repeated encounter with strange man…
4. EXT. TWO LANE HIGHWAY – NIGHT
A man wearing a cape claims Andrew is his son. Takes him out in the country. Gives him a high voltage shock. Andrew flaps his arms, flies around, has strange hallucinations. The man’s skin is scaly like the Black Lagoon creature. Attacks Andrew who accidently kills him. Returns to the orphanage.
23. EXT. DESERTED TWO LANE BLACK TOP HIGHWAY – DAY
Scene: A man claims Andrew is his son, takes him out in the country. Gives him a high voltage shock. Abruptly Andrew is able to fly. Has strange hallucinations. His skin is scaly like creature from the Black Lagoon. The man hits him. Andrew accidently kills him. Returns to the orphanage.
The cannibal actions are quite grizzly and entertaining. The story arc of Andrew, needs clarification. As I read it, Mabel, is his mother, then who’s is M’Lord ? Is he suppose to be Andrews’s father? At the end Andrew morphs into M’Lord, he can’t be his own father, or is he taking the shape of M’Lord – did he die at sometime ? The pieces parts are there, just need more defining in extended drafts.
I like the idea behind the orphanage and the cannibals it creates. How this is accomplished could be better illustrated. I’d flesh this out more and fill in any story logic issues between Andrew, Mabel, M’Lord and the scaly man in the cape, – said to be Andrew’s father. Does Mabel know Andrew’s her son? There could be more drama built around this situation & relationship.
There is plenty of gore and horror throughout. The horror scenes are nicely constructed. There some supernatural elements are play – all these are good. The emphasis then on future drafts is clarification of the story line, character relationships and any backstory that needs to help establish present day situations. Great start. Very imaginative and creative concept.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Edward Lusk.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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