Day 16 Assignments

[Bob Onufer]

Bob’s Amazing Opening Scene

What I learned from this assignment is you may definitely have to “kill your darlings” to make it better.

Title: Eternal Flame

Logline: When a married couple undergoing training to recognize each other in future lives die prematurely, the reincarnated husband must convince his reincarnated wife she is his soulmate before she marries her fiancé in less than a week.

Openings

Original (Plunge into Unique World): The script opens in New York City – 1987 during the Thanksgiving Day Parade. We meet Martin and Amanda Cole heading to celebrate their tenth anniversary. As they head out, Amanda almost gets hit by the Snoopy balloon. This setup allows her reincarnated persona to recall her past life when the situation reoccurs twenty-five years later. They go from the parade to a diner where they first discuss reincarnation.

Option (The V.O. that’s unusual): Open just before Martin and Amanda are tragically killed. The V.O. would be done by Jeff Ash (reincarnated Martin Cole) and would show his world view and primary character trait (so it’s also in part The Unique Character opening). It would end with their deaths and cut to three months earlier at their anniversary dinner.

Option (Intriguing scene from another place in the movie): Similar to the last option, this would open just before Martin and Amanda are tragically killed. It would be shorter, have more direct dialogue between Martin and Amanda, and cut to their anniversary dinner after their death.

I selected the V.O. that’s unusual option. This lends itself to being the most provocative and encompasses more than one of the ten openings.

Current Version

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – AFTERNOON

The unmistakable view of the famous skyline. It’s a brisk November day.

As we move to the city below, we see the magic of the Christmas season sparklingon the metropolis. On this particular day, crowds line the streets and trafficcomes to a halt. Children are perched on their parents shoulders or held in theirarms as everyone jockeys for the best position.

A title reads:

NEW YORK CITY – THANKSGIVING DAY – 1987

EXT. HERALD SQUARE – AFTERNOON

We’re in the middle of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as it heads towardHerald Square. Bands and floats march down the street intermittently performingtheir repertoires.

WILLARD SCOTT (V.O.)

It’s a wonderful day for this year’s parade. I’m coming toyou live from New York with my first time cohost MaryHart. Mary is out near Broadway with some very special guests.

We pull back from the live view of the parade and switch to a TV view of the NBCbroadcast of the parade. We see WILLARD SCOTT in a suit with a red tie, sunflower in lapel, and gray fedora. He is holding a microphone.

WILLARD SCOTT

(on TV screen) Are you there, Mary?

The TV screen switches to MARY HART dressed all in white and holding her microphonewhere she is surrounded by PEANUTS CHARACTERS and JILL SCHULTZ.

As Mary speaks on camera, we see a man and a woman bustling down the sidewalk fromopposite directions with purpose.

He is MARTIN COLE, 33 years old, handsome in a boyish way despite the full beardhe sports. He is wearing a blue coat with white fraternity letters emblazoned onit. He hasn’t quite made the entire transition from college to the real world despite his years out of school.

She is AMANDA COLE, about Martin’s age but could pass for her twenties. Amanda hasdark hair with radiant blue eyes which right now are focused on Martin, obliviousto the hoopla around her.

MARY HART

I’m here with Jill Schultz, daughter of Peanuts creator,Charles Schultz. Jill will be riding the Peanuts float for the first time this year along with all of her friends here.

JILL SCHULTZ

That’s right Mary. Plus we’re unveiling a new Snoopygiant balloon this year. This new balloon is over

60 feet tall and weighs almost 350 pounds.

WILLARD SCOTT

We’ll have to cut back on some of those dog biscuits.

MARY HART

And there he is now, wearing his brand new red ice skates.

BACK TO LIVE STREET VIEW

Shot of Snoopy balloon as it is directed down the street.

WILLARD SCOTT (O.S.)

Uh-oh, looks like we have a pedestrian who is notintimidated by those blades.

On the street, Amanda reaches the intersection and starts to cross the street,still not paying attention to the parade. She doesn’t notice the giant SNOOPYballoon and its HANDLERS headed in her direction. Martin sees this, picks up hispace, and points at the balloon.

MARY HART (O.S.)

Wait a minute, it looks like she has a savior.

<b align=”center”>MARTIN

Love … watch out for Snoopy …

But Amanda can’t hear with all the parade noise. Martin rushes to the street andgrabs his wife out of danger. As he does, a strand of her hair falls in front ofher face.

He brushes it back behind her ear. They laugh as Snoopy passes safely and then they kiss.

WILLARD SCOTT (O.S)

And the young gentleman who saved her gets a big smooch in return. I hope her hubby’s not watching.

AMANDA

(to Martin)

I can just see the headline now – woman crushed by afifty foot Beagle. Think I’m what Lucy would refer to as a blockhead.

<b align=”center”>MARTIN

Should have been paying more attention, Love.

<b align=”center”>AMANDA

(focusing on Martin)

I was.

Amanda hands Martin a gift-wrapped package.

AMANDA (cont’d) Happy anniversary, Martin.

Revised Opening (1^st draft)

FADE IN:

INT. NEW YORK CITY / MAJESTIC THEATER – JANUARY 26, 1988

We’re in the theater lobby as the Broadway premiere of Phantom of the Operalets out. In the THRONG OF PEOPLE are AMANDA (30, radiant in her Broadwayformal wear) and MARTIN COLE (30, boyish with hair a little longer and curlierthan necessary, looking uncomfortable in his ill-fitting three- piece suitcomplete with a gold pocket watch chain attached between his vest button andthe watch in the pocket).

Martin hands a ticket to the CHECK ROOM ATTENDANT to retrieve their coats. Hehelps Amanda into her coat and then puts on his own. He takes Amanda’s handand they head out the theater doors.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY / MAJESTIC THEATER – NIGHT

The night is cold and a light snow is falling. A gust of wind blows Amanda’shair in front of her eye. Martin gently places it back behind her ear.

AMANDA<div>

Oh, Martin… it’s so cold.

Martin puts his arm around her to warm her as they make their way down theblock toward the parking garage.

MARTIN

Better?

AMANDA

Much.

MARTIN

Did you enjoy the play?

She doesn’t answer just reaches over and kisses Martin. They huddle together until they get to the:

EXT. PARKING GARAGE – CONTINUOUS

Martin hands his slip to the PARKING ATTENDANT, who leaves his space heated booth to get their car.

AMANDA

That was the best anniversary present ever.

MARTIN

Better than our quest for meeting each other in future lives?

AMANDA

Definitely more instant gratification.

MARTIN

With more to come when we get home.

AMANDA

We’ll see.

MARTIN

Maybe we should get a hotel room.

Amanda watches as the snow intensifies.

AMANDA

Not a bad idea.

JEFF (V.O.)

They say you shouldn’t mess with destiny. That perhaps trying to trick fate creates bad karma you’ll have to deal with later, or in a later life.

Martin looks at the pocket watch for the time. We see there is aninscription inside the watch but we can’t read it. As he does, the attendant arrives with their car.

AMANDA

Your misfortune.

MARTIN

I’ll drive fast.

Martin hands the attendant some cash, opens the door for Amanda, and finally gets in his seat.

JEFF (V.O.)

I don’t know where I would be if Martin and Amanda got a hotel room that night. I might not be alive. I certainly wouldn’t be me.

Martin pulls the car into the street, skids on some ice, corrects and continues.

JEFF (V.O.)

It’s the little decisions. The choice to drive back home instead ofspend the night in the City. The one that let fate punch back. Or maybe it would have happened anyway.

EXT. LINCOLN TUNNEL ENTRANCE – NIGHT

Martin rolls down the window, pays the toll, and enters the tunnel.

JEFF (V.O.)

Maybe we’re not intended to know the unseen. Maybe there is a greater being that doesn’t like us to cheat the system…

INT. COROLLA TRAVELING / LINCOLN TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS

Martin glances over at Amanda. She is nodding off in the passenger seat.

MARTIN

Tired, Love?

Amanda curls up in the seat.

AMANDA

Hmmm…

Martin gazes at his wife, distracted by his love for her. Suddenly, a car HONKS.

EXT. LINCOLN TUNNEL – CONTINUOUS

Martin has swerved too far to the right. He tries to compensate but overdoesit. The Corolla HITS the wall of the tunnel and careens off it. It swipesanother car and bounces. Martin tries to control the car but can’t.

The Corolla flips. Driver and passenger are strewn about over and over.Martin tries to put himself between Amanda and harm’s way, but harm iseverywhere and it’s not possible.

JEFF (V.O.)

…and maybe that’s why Rebecca doesn’t recognize me.

The Corolla comes to a stop. Everything is still. Martin’s limp hand holds the pocket watch.

<b align=”right”>MATCH CUT TO:

INT. STARDUST DINER – DAY

CLOSE UP: The pocket watch is being held in a hand.

AMANDA (V.O.)

Open it, Martin.

A thumb presses on the release and the watch pops open. The inscription reads: “To my soulmate, withall my love.”

</div>

[Pamela Rice]

That is an intriguing new opening, Bob!

— Will you be able to use your 1987 Macy’s Parade/Snoopy balloon elsewhere in your script as a set-up, prior to the final scenes?

— I was also curious about the Character Traits for Martin vs. Jeff and Amanda vs. Rebecca.
Are you keeping their personalities similar to their counterparts?

Keep up the good work,
Pam

[Bob Onufer]

Pam,

I think I can still work the parade into the script although I’m not sure I need to. Originally, the trigger for her memory to return was the Snoopy balloon. As the rewrite progresses, I have Rebecca falling in love with Jeff on his own merits. The Snoopy balloon was also part of the opening and closing images. If Snoopy is not part of the opening image, I may not need him as the closing image.

The character traits for Martin & Jeff are similar though not exact; same for Amanda & Rebecca

Thanks,

Bob

[Johnny Cullen]

Johnny’s Amazing Opening Scene

I am satisfied with my opening and I believe it ticks multiple boxes offered with a lot of foreshadowing, character introduction and tone. (I changed the opening during the Beat Sheet part of the course)

OPENING SCENE——

INSERT ANIMATED SEQUENCE

A 16 Bit digital landscape of the west of Ireland illuminates the screen. A deep elderly male voice over narrates the scene.

VOICE OVER

For too long the voices of the Celtic gods have been silenced. Buried and banished by the evil St. Patrick on the hills of the Sidhe.

We see an animated, ripped St. Patrick with flames in his eyes laughing hysterically.

VOICE OVER

But now the time has come…The Tuatha Da Dannan and Fomorians have joined forces to take back the Emerald Isle from the Christian enslavers.

A muscly CU CHULAINN and a one eyed goblin BALOR grasp each others palms.

VOICE OVER

A fighting tournament to decide the fate of our land. This. Is. Emerald Fist!

A shimmering animated Emerald rotates across the screen with a golden triskelion etched on the front. The titles EMERALD FIST appears with pumping techno music.

INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT

We pull back from the screen to reveal scrawny DIARMUID (12) gaming controller grasped in his hands, cross legged, eyes glued to the screen. He’s completely enthralled.

Suddenly the door behind Diarmuid opens, in walks Diarmuid’s mother ALICE (42) drunk with a chaotic sense of affection. A live, laugh, lunatic desperate for love.

ALICE

Diarmuid, you’re still up! I want you to meet someone.

Diarmuid reluctantly turns his head. In walks RICHARD, (45) goatee, gant shirt and chinos. If the sock-less loafers weren’t screaming conman the bucket of Old spice certainly was. A greasy smile stretches his overly moisturised face.

ALICE

This is Richard! You can start calling him daddy from now on! Isn’t that exciting?

Richard’s awkward smile is quickly snuffed out.

RICHARD

Don’t say that Alice, Jesus Christ.

ALICE

I’ll leave you two to get to know each other for a moment.

Alice darts out of the room bottle of wine in hand. Richard stands looking at Diarmuid. Diarmuid stares back in total silence.

RICHARD

What’s that you’re playing there, little man?

DIARMUID

Emerald Fist.

RICHARD

Nice.

An awkward silence.

DIARMUID

Want to play?

We jump forward. Diarmuid and Richard are mid game – they are both struggling. Alice sits on the sofa in the background.

RICHARD

Come on! What the fuck. Its the first round how are we losing?

ALICE

Isn’t this nice?

DIARMUID

I think we have to work together on our tim…

RICHARD

Diarmuid your just not good enough okay?

Diarmuid dejected. Nods his head. Richard laughs. He taps him on the nose.

The voice from the game rings out in the room.

VOICE OVER

Soul Destroying!

We close in on Diarmuid’s profile, breaking the fourth wall. Eyes welling up.

MATCH CUT TO:

INT. GYMNASIUM. DAY.

Diarmuid (34) works out grimly on a treadmill in a gym, facing himself in a mirror. But no matter how fast he runs, he’s always in the one spot, never able to reach himself.

We hear the inside of Diarmuid’s headphones, a deep-voiced testosterone-fuelled podcast about motivation.

PODCAST

To be the best you have to sweat, grind…You have do whatever it takes to win…

Diarmuid trips, he falls onto the treadmill like a cartoon anvil, he speeds off the end and crashes into a girl working out.

INSERT PHONE SCREEN

The scene is now a DUBLINGOSS Shamgram post with the caption DISGRACED SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUCENER DIARMUID RYAN, WHO BOUGHT ALL HIS FOLLOWERS, FALLS HARD AGAIN AT THE GYM, AGAIN.

EXT. STREET. DAY

We pull out of the phone to reveal Diarmuid outside the gym. He takes a breath and whispers to himself a quote from an earlier podcast.

DIARMUID

You have to go through the worst to get to the best!

We return to the phone as a notification illuminates the screen. It’s a message from TOM AGENT.

TOM AGENT

Hey, Diarmuid, we had a dropout for Zenergise *Sad Emoji* Any chance you could come by the studio today?

[Rebecca Jordan]

Rebecca’s amazing opening. Lesson #16

What I learned from doing this assignment is that it’s an ongoing process. And that going back after working through all the lessons, I can apply some of what I learned toward the end to the beginning in order to continue to elevate and hone what’s important to keep improving overall.

Original opening scene (plunge into a unique world): Opens with Rachel arriving late for her gig with her band at festival while the band holds a steady beat. Crowd getting anxious. Paul waiting.

Option (intriguing image): Open on a canvas with paint being splashed on it. Red blood, black blot like a pistol being held to a flesh head. Cuts to Rachel arriving late for her gig…

Selected (shock and intriguing character): Moved inciting incident before opening. I could do some trimming…

EXT. FESTIVAL – DUSK

Summer festival in full swing. WHIRLING and SWOOSHING of rides. ROLLER COASTER climbing the tracks. SCREAMS of children overhead. DING DING DING of games being played. DJ and MUSIC.

STAGE

The orange sky looms beyond the stage where BAND MEMBERS take their places. The MC, at the mic center stage, enthusiastically introduces the BAND.

Cheers from the eager crowd swell.

The DRUMMER behind his kit, starts a slow sexy familiar beat.

AUDIENCE

A collective rumble of recognition as the crowd closes in on the stage.

BACK STAGE, PARKING LOT

PAUL, 50, lead guitarist, a tall drink of true blue, leggy with a subtle rock star swagger, appears from the stage.

An old pick up truck screeches into the lot and slams into a spot.

It’s RACHEL. 50, a bat out of hell, she jumps out of her truck buttoning her shirt. Dressed like a rock star with a 70’s vibe, she is disheveled. Spills of red, black and flesh colored paint stain her face, hands with clumps stuck in her thick main of mangled hair.

She flips her head over, combs it out with her fingers and tosses it back. Takes hairspray from the truck and sprays a quick circle around her head.

Paul swoops in, automatically unloads Rachel’s gig bag. Rachel grabs her guitar, runs alongside Paul toward the stage where a steady rhythm seduces the restless patrons.

RACHEL

Sorry.

PAUL

You okay?

RACHEL

In a minute.

PAUL

You have a shit ton of paint in your hair.

RACHEL

My Uncle Ben shot himself in the head.

PAUL

Holy crap.

RACHEL

He’s dead.

PAUL

… I’m so sorry.

RACHEL

Oh well.

At the backstage stairs. Rachel takes her guitar out of its bag while Paul grabs the rest of her gear.

RACHEL

Oh my God! I have to pee so bad!

They run up the stairs and onto the stage.

CROWD

WOOOOO! WOOOOO! YEAH!!!

[Edward Gadrix]

A 12-year-old African American girl’s rocky relationship with her father leads her to find solace through rehabilitating an injured greyhound further complicating the daughter/father world in a family journey that will end in the destruction or rehabilitation itself of the relationship.

During the 12 years of her life, Quennie Goody’s relationship with her father is much like his insurance agency – all business. Quennie isn’t aware that Champ Goody struggled during his own boyhood to support himself and worked full-time employment to gain a college education. He is hell-bent on seeing Queenie doesn’t have to live through that. He has created a successful business, but his relationship with Queenie suffers. She, deep down, wants to be closer to her daddy.

When she was fondled by a youth minister at church, her father was busy at the office. Queenie blames “Daddy” for not being there to protect her. Those feelings are exacerbated by the little girl’s mother who had her own deteriorating times with Champ that led to divorce.

Although strained, Champ ‘s visitation with Queenie is something he looks forward to, but she eschews it. On one of those weekends in Florida, Queenie learns of the closing of a greyhound racetrack and the race dogs being sold. Her kind heart leads her to want to adopt an injured racer, scheduled to be “put down.” She persuades her father to get her the dog -– Sweet Thang.

Upon their return home, Queenie’s mother refuses to allow her to have the dog, so Champ is saddled with keeping it. But it serves as the avenue toward a better relationship with Queenie as she spends more time with her father to see and rehabilitate the hip injury of the dog.

The B story enters when Cherry Mahoney meets Champ and Queenie in an incident involving Sweet Thang and Cherry’s cat. Cherry has her own problems – financial – as she is a starving artist who survives on her measly income as a coffee shop waitress. The need to rehab Sweet Thang becomes the “glue” that draws the threesome closer together. The rehab process consists of swimming (to aid the hip injury) and leads them into forming a team in dog dock diving, one of the fastest growing sports in America.

Sweet Thang is a natural for the sport, but her progress runs into major obstacles when the owner of the national championship in the sport sabotages the chances for the dog to succeed.

The “Goody Team” overcomes a myriad of conflicts and struggles, but it binds them as a team in life as well as the sport. Champ realizes the father/daughter’s need for Queenie and sells his business to spend more time with the team. Cherry marries Champ and opens her art gallery. Queenie and Sweet Thang goes on to win the National Championship in dock diving. The rehab story of the greyhound through dock diving attracts a national pet store chain that becomes the economic engine that allows Champ, Queenie, Cherry, and Sweet Thang to find happiness together.