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Day 16 Assignments
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8 Replies
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Hi, Ed – here’s my feedback on your QE Cycle 3 rewrite. I find it much easier to do this for your scene than for mine…
Ed’s QE Cycle # 3 – DRAFT # 2.
Logline – On the morning of a big wedding, a florist’s morning takes a turns for the worse–or does it?
—-Logline: (Main character, major event, action/goal from https://logline.it/howto/ On the morning of a big wedding, a florist discovers that his employees have set him up for failure.
On the morning of the most important project in his career, a florist tries to understand how he was set up for failure.
Essence – with friends like this, who needs enemies?
INT. FLOWER SHOP – DAY
SQUIRE, 20’s, is surrounded by cut flowers and various floral displays in different stages of assembly. He’s busy arranging while sing-talking into a speaker phone.
SQUIRE
Jamie? Why don’t you pick up? Where are you? I’m not panicking- yet, today is the day.
—-Interest technique (IT): Mystery–
The Richmond/Raymond wedding. Remember? It’s big, it’s splashy, and famous, not to mention it means the world to me on so many different levels. Please get your cute ass in here ASAP! Bu-bye.
—Trait: Happy go lucky –
—-IT: Anticipatory dialogue or Uncertainty: hope/fear–
The bell over the door jingles. NANCY, 40’s enters, her arms are full of supplies. She dumps them on the sorting table in a huff. She has large bruise across her face.
SQUIRE
Pumpkin, your beautiful face ——
—-IT: Anticipatory dialogue – (what DID happen to her face?)–
NANCY
—— Somehow I knew I’d end up here this morning. Squire, I warned you about this.
—–Trait: Confrontational –
—-IT: Anticipatory dialogue – (what did she warn him about)–
SQUIRE
Love you too, Nancy. Start with the table arrangements, pleeeease.
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
NANCY
Listen and learn darling. The wedding party’s flowers are done first, then the wedding, then the reception. Unless you have a better idea?
—–Trait: Confrontational –
She starts roughly sorting through vases of flowers, cutting down stems, plucking off leaves. Her movements are deliberate, intense.
NANCY
God, I told you, don’t hire him just because he’s cute. But noooo. Why listen to your best friend? Answer – because said friend can be relied on to show up and save your ass – again.
—–Trait: Confrontational –
—-Subtext: Scheming, competitive–
—-IT: Creating a future – will her warnings prove true?–
SQUIRE
Someone’s in a mood. Let’s just have fun with flowers. This is going to be a romantic day!
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
—-Subtext: Seductive? Definitely trying to control others–
NANCY
I slipped in the shower, okay? You need proof? (Eyeing an arrangement) These are all wrong, by the way.
—-Trait: Confrontational–
Nancy tears into a completed arrangement. Squire tangles with her to stop it. A thorn rips into his finger. He playfully sucks on the finger. He bats his big brown eyes, the dimples debut.
—-Subtext: Squire – Seductive–
NANCY
Sweetie, you’re cute, but you’re gay. Whatever this is…ain’t happening.
—-Trait: Caring?–
—-IT: Predictions–
SQUIRE
Just kidding. I’m a florist not a mortician, although I may need one if this wedding tanks. I hope Jamie’s okay. Do you think I should leave and check on him?
—-Trait: Caring? –
—-IT: Predictions– he’s going to die if wedding tanks
NANCY
Let’s see, on one hand you have the wedding of the year that will make you famous and on the other you have missing numb-nuts who can’t tie his shoe and chew gum.
—-Trait: competitive with peers, but not covertly–
SQUIRE
I’d better stay. I’m sure he’ll show up soon.
—-Trait: Selfish? (though reasonably so)–
The door bell jingles again. A perplexed look crosses Squire’s face. A handsome man, 30’s, dressed in tuxedo, enters the shop. This is JONATHAN RICHMOND, one of the grooms. He’s disheveled and looks to have been crying.
NANCY
The plot thickens.
—-IT: Predictions–
JONATHAN
How are you guys?
SQUIRE
Jonathan, you’re scaring me. Where’s Martin?
—-IT: Mystery–
JONATHAN
Didn’t Jamie tell you?
SQUIRE
Jamie? Tell me what? I’ve been trying to reach him all morning.
—-IT: Mystery–
Nancy busies herself with an arrangement.
—-Trait: Scheming (pretending she doesn’t know)–
JONATHAN
That’s strange. When I talked to him he said he would talk to Nancy and you guys would figure it out…Sorry.
—-IT: Boom!– (wait, is that an interest technique ;)
SQUIRE
Oh Nancy, care to comment?
—-Trait: Confrontational? Nancy’s trait–
Nancy comes around the counter and embraces Jonathan in a big hug.
NANCY
Oh, sweetie. I’m so, so, sorry. Are you okay?
—-Trait: Caring–
All puppy eyes, Nancy ignores him, as she kisses him on the cheek then tucks a rose into Jonathan’s lapel. She winks at him.
—-Trait: Seductive? Squire’s trait–
JONATHAN
Your face….
SQUIRE
She slipped in the shower…Someone want to fill in the charming, but dumfounded florist, on what’s going on? I think I missed an episode.
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
—-IT: Mystery–
NANCY
The wedding is postponed——
—-IT: Uncertainty: fear–
JONATHAN
——It’s off.
NANCY
——I said, postponed.
—-Trait: Stubborn–
—-IT: Uncertainty: hope–
SQUIRE
Ummm…are you two getting married? Because this sounds like a fight to me.
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
NANCY
I didn’t want to say anything, Squire, in the hope they’d work things out. I mean, why not give love a chance? It’s worked before.
—-Trait: Caring–
—-IT: Uncertainty: hope–
Jonathan locks eyes on Squire. He raises and eyebrow and flashes that devilish smile. They have a history.
JONATHAN
I’m guessing I won’t get my payment back?
SQUIRE
Jonathan, honey, you owe me a lot more than the down payment.
—-Trait: Selfish? (though understandable)–
JONATHAN
Tempting but…Whoa. That’s not what Jamie told me. Right Nancy?
SQUIRE
My dear friend does not represent the Garden of Eden. She has other more, unrefined, business matters to attend to.
—-Trait: ________________(catty)?-
NANCY
Oh grow up Squire. You were out and I wasn’t about to let the biggest order in your life walk out the door. Given Martin’s money problems, and Jamie looking like a deer on the headlights, I took action. I told Jonathan it would be alright for a down payment and the balance due after the wedding. It was an odds on favorite things would work out. Oops.
—-Trait: Confrontational–
—-Subtext: Scheming?–
—-IT: Betrayal–
SQUIRE
This is my shop! These are my decisions to make. If I wanted your help, I’d ask for it.
—-Trait: ___________? (confrontational?)–
NANCY
Sweetie, you’re way in over your head. Business is not your forte, it’s okay. Go back to stripping, meet a rich man, sell your soul to the devil. Be like a normal person.
—-Trait: confrontational–
—-Subtext: Scheming? (under the guise of wise advice)–
SQUIRE
I’ll take that under advisement, Nancy, Thank you….Jonathan, what happened?
—-Trait: ________________? (sarcastic)–
JONATHAN
Martin lost the honeymoon money betting on a football game. I love him but I just can’t trust him anymore. It’s over.
—-IT: Surprise– this is the set-up
NANCY
When god gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Am I right, you two?
—-Trait: Caring?–
—-Subtext: Scheming?–(manipulative: covering her part in this)
SQUIRE
Martin? The interior designer, bets on football games? What the Shonda Rhimes is going on?
The next thing you’re going to tell me is Jamie is somehow involved in this.
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
—-IT: Uncertainty: fear–
A beat. Eyes diverted to the floor.
NANCY
I’m only the bookie. It’s not my fault the adorable idiot bet the wrong team.
—-Trait: __________– Evasive? (Squire’s trait)
—-IT: Surprise– this is the pay-off
Squire taps on the computer. His fingers tap around the screen following the flow of accounting transactions.
SQUIRE
I see where Jamie got the money.
—-Trait: Confrontational? (Nancy’s trait)–
—-IT: Surprise– more pay-off
NANCY
Yeah, that was really stupid on his part. At least now he only owes me two grand.
—-Trait: ______________?– scheming?
SQUIRE
And yet again you neglected to tell me?
—-Trait: Confrontational? (Nancy’s trait)–
Nancy feigns innocence. The phone rings.
SQUIRE
What else can go wrong today?….(answers)
—-Trait: Happy go lucky–
—-IT: Anticipatory dialogue –
—-IT: Surprise– this is the set-up–
Hello, Garden of Eden, this is Squire…
He listens intently, then hangs up.
SQUIRE
That was Martin…Jamie is in the hospital…he said Nancy put him there?
—-Squire makes reference to Nancy’s subtext–
—-IT: Surprise– this is the payoff —
JONATHAN
Squire, how about going to brunch? There’s so much to get caught up on.
Nancy twirls around a pair of pruning sheers, a malevolent twinkle in her eye.
END SCENE
—-Nice scene, Ed! I’m just learning the process myself, so a bit of the blind-leading-the-blind, but my thoughts are:
To improve it even more, perhaps change some of Nancy’s confrontational moments to another trait, and make Squire more evasive. And make sure they don’t borrow each others’ traits.
Screenwriting guru David Freeman calls the 4-traits a “Character Diamond”. He says, “If you give a character more than 4 traits, they descend into mush.”
Nice work with the Interest Techniques.
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Hi, George – I tried to identify the traits and Interest Techniques at work, with general feedback at the end. -KZ
REWRITE of Lesson 14 — QE Cycle #3
LOGLINE: After being forced to work on a science project together, SQUIRE—a bad boy with even worse grades—realizes NANCY—the nerdiest girl in school—could keep him from flunking out, but Nancy has some conditions.
ESSENCE: People will give up pieces of themselves to get what they want.
INT. MR AVERY’S CHEMISTRY CLASSROOM — DAY—10 MINUTES AFTER THE TARDY BELL
MR. AVERY’s classroom door opens and in walks NANCY, a junior and one of the smartest and nerdiest girls in school, holding a large stack of books in front of her. She is followed by SQUIRE, a handsome senior with long curly hair and chiseled features. He has no books. Nancy rushes to her lab table at the back of the class.
AVERY: Squire, you’re late.
SQUIRE: What about her? She’s late too.
–trait: _________________? (confrontational? – Nancy’s trait)
AVERY: Nancy volunteers at the animal shelter every Wednesday morning, so she’s excused. You’d know that if you were ever on time.
– trait described by another: caring –
— Interest Technique (IT) – suspense – what’s going to happen to Squire?
The class “oohs” and “aahs”.
AVERY: I guess that makes you and Nancy project partners.
SQUIRE: What? Project?
AVERY: Directions are on the board.
NANCY: Excuse me, MR. AVERY, sir. (she pushes up her thick glasses) You couldn’t possibly expect me to agree to take him on as a partner. I’d prefer to work by myself.
–trait: confrontational –
— IT: Uncertainty: hope/fear We wonder if Nancy will prevail —
AVERY: Unfortunately Nancy, I do expect you to be his partner.
The class rumbles a little.
AVERY (CONT’D): Okay people, quiet down.
SQUIRE: Naw, it’s cool, teach. I’ll just sit this one out.
– trait: Happy-go-lucky —
The class rumbles a little louder.
NANCY (to herself): Good. Then it’s settled.
– trait _________________? –
— IT – Uncertainty: hope (for her sake) —
AVERY: Well, if you sit this one out, you’ll also be sitting out graduation.
The class gasps and “oohs”.
SQUIRE: What do you mean, sittin’ out graduation?
– trait: ________________? dim-witted?–
AVERY: I mean that if you do not pass this project, you will not have enough credits to graduate.
The class erupted in catcalls and various exclamations, but Squire seems unfazed by the news of his failure as he makes his way back to where Nancy is sitting. He has a bounce in his step and flirts with every girl on the way. Nancy is visibly unhappy.
– trait: seductive – seen through his action –
–IT: Suspense – what will happen when these two get together? —
AVERY (CONT’D): I said, quiet down, people! Now settle down and get to work. Your projects are due tomorrow, so use the rest of this class to work on them, quietly.
The class moans and Mr. Avery retreats to his desk, as Squire plops down next to Nancy.
SQUIRE (happy): Hey there, partner.
– trait: seductive –
NANCY: Why are you so happy?
– trait: confrontational –
SQUIRE: Why not?
NANCY: Mr. Avery just told you, you might not graduate. That’s why not.
– trait: confrontational
SQUIRE: I guess I just look at things differently.
– trait: happy go lucky
NANCY: Differently? How else could you look at flunking high school?
– trait: confrontational –
— IT: Mystery – we wonder, too —
SQUIRE: Things just always have a way of working out for me. Like better than expected.
– trait: happy go lucky —
NANCY: That makes no logical sense. How can you be sure things always work out for you?
– trait: confrontational —
SQUIRE: I can’t explain it. If you know, you know.
– trait: evasive? —
Nancy pushed up her glasses and looks off in thought.
NANCY: I mean, it’s not even mathematically possible let alone logical. How do you do it?
– trait: confrontational? —
SQUIRE: Look… what’s your name?
– trait: ________________? maybe selfish.
NANCY: Nancy.
SQUIRE: Nancy, I’m Squire by the way—
NANCY: Yeah, I know; everyone knows who you are.
– previous exchange: exposition —
SQUIRE: Like I was saying, I just decide what I want to happen and then it happens.
– trait: happy-go-lucky —
NANCY: Like you are controlling the future? (beat) That’s impossible.
– trait: confrontational –
SQUIRE: Don’t matter if you believe me or not.
– trait: happy go lucky? –
NANCY (slams fist on lab table): You’re lying! Prove it to me. How are you not going to flunk out of high school?
– trait: confrontational –
— IT: Mystery – we wonder, too —
Mr. Avery (not looking up from his desk): Everything okay back there?
SQUIRE: Okay, okay, relax, Nance. I’ll tell ya. This is what is going to happen. I’m gonna get an A on the project and I’m going to graduate.
– trait: happy go lucky —
NANCY: Oh, I see. Typical. You think you can get away with doing none of the work and still get a good grade that I did all the work for? It’s not my fault we got forced to work together.
– trait: confrontational –
SQUIRE: That’s exactly what’s gonna happen. You don’t want a partner anyways, so I let you work alone, and you let me share your grade, and I get to graduate. You said it yourself, it’s not my fault we got forced together. It’s perfect, really. It’s a win-win.
– trait: happy go lucky? – (possibly another trait – deal maker)
NANCY (in thought): You have a point, but win-win? How’s it a win for me? I’d be doing the science project regardless.
– trait: confrontational? –
SQUIRE: Yeah, it’s a win for you. Besides, we don’t have a choice.
– trait: _________________? (gaslighting?)
NANCY (sighs): Unfortunately, you are correct. (beat) But, I have a condition.
– trait: scheming —
SQUIRE: What?
NANCY (biting her lip): You have to go to prom with me.
– trait: scheming –
– IT: Uncomfortable moment —
SQUIRE: What?! No way. I already have a date, my girlfriend.
– trait: selfish? –
NANCY: Well, I guess you don’t want to graduate then.
– trait: stubborn?–
— IT: prediction —
SQUIRE: The only way I don’t graduate is if you fail the project, and we both know there is no way you would purposely fail a project. Shit, you probably get all depressed when you get an A instead of an A+. And remember, we are being forced, we ain’t got no choice.
– trait: _______________ ? (deal maker)
— IT: prediction —
NANCY: Actually, there is a significant difference between an A and an A+. (beat) If you don’t go to the prom with me, then I’ll just tell Mr. Avery that you didn’t do any of the work. Then you will fail and not walk at graduation.
– trait: scheming – (overt, not covert)
–IT – prediction –
– IT: dilemma –
SQUIRE: What? You’re psycho. I’m not going to MY senior prom with YOU. Fuck that.
– trait: selfish? (confrontational – Nancy’s trait) —
NANCY: It’s your choice. (beat) Maybe we’ll be in the same chemistry class next year?
– trait: stubborn —
Squire is annoyed and knows he has to go to the prom with Nancy or he won’t graduate.
SQUIRE (defeated): Ok.
NANCY: Really?
SQUIRE: Yeah. I’ll do it. (sigh) I gotta graduate.
(previous lines: exposition)
NANCY (clenches fists): Excellent. Clarissa and Tammy will choke on their 4.0s when they see us together.
– trait: scheming –
–IT – prediction —
SQUIRE: Can’t we just like, hang out at the prom for a few, maybe dance. I mean, it’s my senior prom, I want to go with my girlfriend. I got the whole night planned. I even got us a hotel room. Come on, Nance, please.
– trait: ________________? (deal maker)
NANCY: Oh, that reminds me. You need to break up with your girlfriend.
– trait: (overt) scheming –
– IT: Suspense – will he agree? –
SQUIRE: What? Why? I’m not breaking up with Jenny for… for you.
– trait: confrontational (Nancy’s trait)
NANCY: Fine. You can just take me to MY senior prom next year when you repeat the 12th grade.
– trait: stubborn —
SQUIRE (more defeated): Fine.
– trait: _________________? (pushover) –
NANCY: Do it right now.
– trait: confrontational
SQUIRE: What? No. I’ll do it after school.
– trait: ____________? Deal maker, giving a counter-offer
NANCY: No. You have to do it now. I need proof and I have to leave immediately after school so I’m not late for my volunteer shift at the hospital.
– trait: stubborn, caring
SQUIRE: I can’t call her in the middle of class.
– trait: evasive? —
NANCY: Text her. Then just forward the text to me.
– trait: stubborn –
SQUIRE: Text? I’m not an asshole. I’ll just explain to her that this psycho nerd in my chem class is blackmailing me and if she forgives me for the prom, we can get back together.
– trait: confrontational (nancy’s trait)
NANCY (face contorted in anger): NO!
– trait: stubborn –
AVERY (not looking up): I’m not going to tell you again. Keep it quiet.
NANCY (quieter): No one can know about… about our little arrangement. It has to be as real as possible.
– trait: scheming –
– IT: suspense –
Squire is silent and looking straight ahead in shock.
NANCY (CONT’D): Now, text Jenny. (beat) Better yet, I’ll text her. Give me your phone.
– trait: scheming –
Without changing his gaze, Squire hands his phone to Nancy.
– IT: cliffhanger –
END SCENE
Hey, George – I enjoyed reading your scene. Let me just say that it’s so much easier to find ways to improve it than to do the same for my own work… just the way it’s easier to clean someone else’s office than my own.
The two traits that dominated were Confrontational for Nancy and Happy-go-lucky for Squire. An easy way to improve the quality would be to go back and work in some of the other traits.
Also, Squire tended to be Confrontational, co-opting Nancy’s trait. And some other traits were creeping in. More than 4 traits makes a character less identifiable to the movie-going audience/reader.
One way to really improve the scene would be to use the characters’ subtext. For instance, if instead of always being happy-go-lucky, let Squire be seductive to achieve his ends. In fact, the whole suggestion about going on a date might be Squire’s idea– and then Nancy could scheme to make it about prom, thus upping the stakes and calling his bluff.
How might they make a mess out of the situation? What if they both got banned from prom night for talking during class? Or maybe they do something worse which would definitely get them banned from prom, like causing a small fire with their neglected lab project.
Hope this feedback helps! – KZ
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Thank you, Kristina. I appreciate the feedback.
I had a toss-up between the cliffhanger ending and the mess in the scene arc. i was stumped, but I like the idea that Nancy and Squire get banned from the prom.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by George Verongos.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by
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KRISTINA’s SCENE DRAFT 2 NOTES….
Hi Kristina, great scene, I like the playful mood through out. You could’ve gone darker with it, but I like that you stayed more comical and fun. Makes sense for a gen Z/millenial characters.
The suspiciousness of Squire at the beginning sets up the mood of intrigue and hooks us into if Squire is just inexperienced or something else going on because of the authorities present on the dock makes him nervous. The subplot of Nancy and her competitor Eliza adds a nice layer of motivation, character needs, and adds to her traits of scheming. Lots of physical activities provides for the situations.
You could go further with the physical. Maybe at the beginning when they departing the boat won’t start – builds suspense. Or maybe create a dilemma, Nancy – forget something and leave the boat, authorities are coming, Squire go to go but doesn’t want to leave her, etc. maybe when Nancy get’s on she catches Squire doing something that relates to the meet up but we don’t know that yet – the something unseen, or create a awkward moment, or both.
Also in the situation Nancy and Squire have goals, opposite ones too, great! You might be able boost the situation with Squire. We know he has to make the meet-up and avoid the authorities. Perhaps if we knew more about the consequences of not making the meet up. Would that help impact the sinking of the boat more and his decision to do it so easily? If his grandfather prized the boat for than life itself, this would create a bad moment for Squire. I’d have Nancy panic more over the sinking. It’s a big deal to be taken out in the ocean then suddenly your captain is scuttling the boat. I like the cliffhanger, we don’t know what will happen once the authorities arrived. What if the drugs, I assume, are on the boat, bobbed up to the surface? Another layer of trouble for them both.
NANCY
Traits
– Confrontational – orders Squire around.
– Stubborn – not leaving the boat at opening (consider not getting off the sinking boat), not wanting/allowing the detour.
– Scheming – scooping her class, Eliza, negotiating with Squire. Going along with the sinking.
– Caring -About grandfather, whales, marine life,
Subtext: Nancy is a scheming lady who is covertly competitive with peers. – No doubt!
SQUIRE
– Evasive – opening , is he or not Jack? Nature of the meet up plans,
– Selfish – Sinks boat to save himself. Getting Nancy in trouble for his deal gone bad
– Happy-go-lucky – easily sinks grandad’s boat! No put out with Nancy coming along on his secret run. No worries attitude
– Seductive – a little on the nose, but we get it. Could develop more. Takes his shirt off? Brags about his girlfriend/conquests? Making Nancy jealous, etc.
Subtext: Squire is a seductive guy who uses uses his charm to control others. – I go deeper with this build more chemistry of attraction with him. One of those love/hate relationships for Nancy is developing more.
Great scene, able to get the situation, interest techniques and traits covered in an entertaining, quick pace scene. I’d think about how elevate the physical more, introduce a wound, either character – Where’s Squire’s father? Are they estranged? Maybe he’s in prison and the deal Squire is doing is related to that? We know Nancy has values, if Squire’s where more defined that could add drama.
Ed
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Thanks for the helpful feedback, Ed!
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Hi JUDETH – here are my notes for your QE3 Draft 2 scene.
I like the balance between the grim situation and Squire’s & Nancy’s character’s traits coming through. A entertaining contrast. Right off there’s mystery and suspense, hook,: whistling man with a shovel, not the man expected, a women with a gun, and body in the drunk. I’m not sure who is the protagonist is, could be Squire or Nancy. Whoever, challenge more with another than the physical , which is covered nicely, add in a wound ,or value. Seems like the need, or goal, is to dispose of the body, ASAP.
Squire and Nancy traits are coming through well. I get a real feel for Squire’s carefree, seductiveness, while evading what happened to Charlie. Nancy’s comes on with her stubbornness , not wanting to help, confrontational tone. Then she comes around to Squire’s charms, helping him. Nice transition, did not seemed forced.
The cliffhanger, why Nancy and Squire are killed by Louise and Charlie, why did they set them up? It’s a bit abrupt, but a surprise ! This could be better developed into a Creating a future moment. We know they did not show up, but we don’t see any chance they “could” show up and why. This might be worked in. Same with a, Prediction. If there’s a mention, or worry expressed, if they , Charlie, Louise, somehow got involved, the consequences would be bad.
Could there be a dilemma? What if Nancy wants to leave, or Squire doesn’t dig, what added complexities would this mean to either character? The noise in the woods (good something unseen), maybe Squire wants to go investigate but Nancy forces him to stay, what if Squire forces the issue by refusing to dig, unless he goes. Maybe he wants to go to the bathroom (uncomfortable moment?) There’s an opportunity to add some complexity to the something unseen and add subtext/traits.
I love the tone and immediately being drawn in by the situation and strong start by the characters & traits. There’s opportunity to create more Interest techniques by taking advantage of the situation further with added values, wound, etc. and developing the threat & mystery to Squire and Nancy because Louise and Charlie being absent. Are either of them there because of their values or a wound? Charlie and Louise arrival will still be a surprise and leave a cliffhanger. It’s more about using anticipatory dialogue than spoiling the ending. Thanks!
Ed
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Hi Ed, Thanks for your feedback. Gave me much to think about. Best, Judith
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Thanks for the great notes. I will be more aware to not let other character’s traits leak over. Four is enough to manage! I did struggle with making Squire more evasive and yet keep the story going. Tough trait for me. Appreciate your time and talents, thanks. Ed
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