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Day 16 Assignments
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David’s Amazing Opening Scene!
“What I learned doing this assignment is…?” Another technique for focusing on one part of a script at a time and having many ways to solve the problem. I have been trying to use each possible way to improve the goal from the various lessons and force myself to come up with one for every one of them, even if I don’t like the results.
1. Look through the 10 Openings above and brainstorm at least
three other opening scenes for your script. Give us a one paragraph
synopsis of the three possible opening scenes.
2. Tell us the one you’ve decided upon (even if it is the original) and
post the entire scene below (the “before” version).3. Rewrite it, making it as provocative as possible and focus on three things: B. Take it to an extreme. C. Unique/interesting Conflict. D. Use loaded words and images.
9. INTRIGUING SCENE FROM ANOTHER PLACE IN THE MOVIE AND 5. THE VO THAT’S UNUSUAL.
NEW OPENING
EXT. JACK’S BOAT AT SEA – EVENING
This is the same scene as the end of scene 92.
The deck is stacked with boxes, floats, and fuel barrels. A compressor stands at the stern. The deck railing has a rack of tanks and some dive knives. A rope and life-ring are attached to the railing.
SCUBA gear is thrown around the deck. A whiskey and beer bottle and three glasses roll around. LENNY and JACK lie face down, apparently dead. They are dressed in similar work clothes. Blood splatters the deck.
JASON (O.S.)
(in the water)
Help me! Please! Help me!
PAUL crawls to the railing, favoring his bleeding arm. His hands are handcuffed in front of him with plastic handcuffs. His left hand is bandaged. He holds a sword in his right. The sword is rusted in spots and the blade is partly eaten away. The hilt of the sword is gold and encrusted with gems. Blood drips from it. It doesn’t glitter any more.
Paul sees JASON struggling in the water. Waves obscure Jason’s face and voice. Paul takes a long look at the rope and life-ring attached to the railing.
Paul uses the sword to cut the handcuffs. He gets up, moves to the wheel, and throttles up.
The cries for help turn to SCREAMS. Paul looks back and sees only a few shark fins at the end of the boat’s wake.
PAUL (V.O.)
I turned eighteen a few months ago. I was easy-going and soft. I’d go out of my way to pet animals. Today I let a man die and I feel good about it because I’ve learned that there are sons-of-bitches that need to roast in Hell.
OLD OPENING BELOW FOLLOWS NEW
ON SCREEN CARDS
1798 TAMPICO MEXICO THE FORT OF THE SPANISH INQUISITION
next
THE INQUISITION NEEDS GOLD. THEIR LAST CHANCE TO REESTABLISH THEIR TERROR OF THE LAST 300 YEARS.
INT. FORT ROOM 1798 – DAY
Cold stone walls with windows look out on the port where the galleon, the Santa Elena, lies moored to the pier.
A black-robed Spanish INQUISITOR ONE, 35, sits at a table loaded with food. He delicately chews on a large rib. A large cross hangs on the wall in back of him. The cross-part has a medallion with the design of an ornate church.
A dozen emaciated Indian corpses are strewn in a corner.
Suddenly, the eyes of one INDIAN CORPSE, 12, open and stare at Inquisitor One. He looks at the Indian. Blesses a bone. Throws it at the Indian.
The Indian Corpse moans, crawls to the bone, and gnaws it like a dog. He makes SNUFFLING noises
Inquisitor One looks irritated at the noise. He throws down the pie he is eating. Wipes his mouth with a large napkin. He gets up and walks to the Indian Corpse, throws the napkin over the boy’s head and steps on it. There is a CRACK.
Inquisitor One walks into the…
I took the new opening scene from the end of the search where Paul has found the treasure and defeated all of the Inquisitor Cult. He has toughened up after all the danger he went through and let a Cultist die. It is not apparent that this is near the end of the movie. Some of Paul’s crew may be dead. It is not known who they are or their coming role in the film. The significance of the sword is not known.
I might use this “Moving Scene” new opening. I haven’t decided yet. The problem with the script is that first four pages are set in 1789 Mexico. I like them because they show the origin of the treasure, the viciousness of the Inquisition, a real hero to contrast with Paul’s father an accidental hero, the setup with the golden sword, and the scenes are dramatic. Then there is another “flashback”. Only then does Paul appear. Usually, the protagonist appears on the first page. The new opening does that. But are there too many flashbacks?
3. THE SHOCKING OPENING
EXT. CULT’S BAYOU HOUSE – NIGHT
The veranda. The Grand Inquisitor (in his robes), Jake, and Carlos face a FATHER, MOTHER, and LITTLE GIRL (wearing pink gym shoes) who are tied up, on their knees, on the ground.
GRAND INQUISITOR
You were caught trying to leave the family. Your desertion put our whole family at risk of Hell. Do you have anything to say?
FATHER
It was all my fault. Please, for the love of God, let them go.
GRAND INQUISITOR
Don’t blaspheme. All must share the guilt. You know the rules.
The three start screaming and begging.
LITTLE GIRL
Mommy! Mommy! What’s going to happen?
MOTHER
She’s only six! Please. She won’t say anything. She’s a baby.
FATHER
No! No! Kill me now. I can’t watch. Please.
The Inquisitor walks a short distance to where a fallen tree lies partly on land and partly in the bayou. He takes a club from where it is hanging and pounds on the tree. Alligators surface from the bayou.
GRAND INQUISITOR
They haven’t forgotten.
He walks to the veranda, sits down, pours iced tea, and watches. The alligators start across the land toward the family. The screams get louder.
GRAND INQUISITOR (CONT’D)
(to Jake and Carlos) Want some tea? There’s plenty. It’s unsweetened.
Jake looks away and holds his stomach. Carlos bends over the railing and retches.
The screams have stopped. The tea pitcher is empty. Alligators go back to the bayou. Some carry large pieces of flesh, with bits of cloth attached, in their jaws. Finally, a small one comes along with a small leg and foot in a pink gym shoe.
GRAND INQUISITOR (CONT’D)
Now, let’s focus on getting the map and destroying that sacrilegious Mouton family. I want them begging to die by the end of the month.
This opening seems too Fu Manchu. It might have been too unpleasant to have in a PG 13 film, even a hard one. However, kids that age are bloodthirsty, and I would have left the decision up to a producer.
If used, I probably would follow this with the script beginning at the scene with Paul’s father’s death. I don’t’ know where the 1789 Mexico scenes would go. I don’t want to throw them away.
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Day 16, Karen Crider; Sell your play in the first three pages
FADE IN: Second opening
EXT. SPACE – DAY
Inside the vectors and vast corridors of space, blaze secrets too deep to fathom; of such, includes satellites and earth-like planets, like Planet Freome, Planet of the Dragons; a planet which has endured inside the light years before time existed, within the bounds of the Bermuda Triangle.
EXT. KING ZEBULON’S KINGDOM – DAY
Inside its lofty heights, a castle clings to the lip of a cliff where the greatest density of dragons, inundate its royal arena. King Zebulon’s grants privilege to his choicest warriors. But genetics has granted a wider arena to his family lineage–the magic of healing and the ability to turn invisible. Gifts not widely known, nor readily recognized, but those that define royalty.
EXT. CASTLE – NIGHT
Smoke and fog cloak the castle towers and draw bridges. All night long, battles rage between dragons fighting to their deaths for dominance, prestige, and position inside King’s Zebulon’s realm. The battles continue without pause. The echo’s of their conflict, and the screams of the dyin, echo throughout the kingdom, while the blood flows, keeping residents on edge.
INT. ROYAL NURSERY
Infants, PRINCE PERCY and PRINCESS ZENITH, offspring of King Zebulon and Queen Sophie, cannot sleep. NURSE PHOEBE, sister to King Zebulon, and aunt to their infants, is beside herself trying to calm them.
NURSE PHOEBE (fuming) Babies need their sleep. Why do they have to keep this up these battles all night?
Prince Percy refuses to sleep. Princess Zenith wails.
Sounds of conflict grow louder and closer outside the castle walls. Nurse Phoebe rocks one infant, and then another.
She stares out the window.
NURSE PHOEBE What in the world?
This is not competition. This is invasion. Fearing for the twins, she rushes to finds her aide, NURSE LEAH.
NURSE PHOEBE (to Nurse Leah)
We’re under attack. Stay with the princess till I return.
Nurse Leah the dragon, yawns, and shakes her head.
Nurse Phoebe grabs Prince Percy and they leave.
She flies to the upper atmosphere, invisible, and places Percy in a cumulous cloud. He wails in protest. She kisses his cheek, crying. Her tears envelope the prince. She leaves, flying back to the nursery, knowing the princess is still in danger, still haunted by Percy’s wails in her ears.
The castle is devastated. Corpses lie everywhere. Among them her brother, King Felix and Queen Sophie, butchered. Nearby, a bloody sword, carelessly marks their demise. She kneels at her brother’s side, weeping.
INT. CASTLE – D
She turns visible and crouches next to her brother, weeping.
NURSE PHOEBE
What have they done to you, my king? Where are your nobles and sentries, your protectors against these beasts?
Behind her, an insurgent lurches toward her. A dragon whose body carries a barnacle like, mucous-slimed sheen. Sinewy whiskers flag his face. He howls, lunging toward her in contempt.
She crouches, cat-like, side-stepping the enemy.
He encircles her. His open maw displays hug, gaping fangs. His mass quakes the courts with each movement. He charges, slinging smoke and flame, missing Nurse Phoebe by centimeters. She side-steps him. He flashes against the wall and Nurse Phoebe, sinking his fangs deep into her shoulder with one bound.
Nurse Phoebe turns invisible. Her adversary screeches, twists about, trying to find her.
She crawls toward the sword, sticky with her brother’s blood, retrieves it and turning visible, thrusts it deep within the dragon’s heart.
Blood spurts, his body spasms. A death gurgle extinguishes a fleeting wisp of smoke, as its mouth opens and closes, opens and closes in its final death throes.
She thwacks its head off with a huge thrust of her sword, kicking its gory remains across the court. It THUMPS the wall: bloo spatters, eyes probing, vertebrae chinking the floor, leaving behind its ghastly trail.
NURSE PHOEBE (to her brother, King Zebulon)
Blood for blood. Rest well, dear heart. Your kingdom shall not fail. She takes one last look at her brother, brushes a tear, and leaves.
INT. NURSERY – DAY
Nurse Phoebe dashes to save Princess Zenith, praying she’s not too late. In the hallway, Nurse Leah lies mutilated in a pool of blood. Princess Zenith is nowhere to be found…
#2. In medius res:
EXT. DUSTY’S CABIN – DAY
Ann Young, (27) a dedicated, school teacher, slips behind the steering wheel of a brand new Trans Am, that’s sustained damage. She glances at, Dusty Greene, a retired vet and widower disdainfully.
DUSTY
How many times do I have to say it—
I’m not your kidnapper. It’s my friend, Percy, who’s guilty.
He can’t help himself!
ANN
(mad as hell)
Don’t touch me. You don’t know where I live.
So, move over, I’m driving.
She speeds out the driveway. Dusty hangs on for dear life.
ANN
(oblivious)
This car drives like a dream.
DUSTY
(glancing in the rear view mirror)
…You mean a nightmare.
Behind them, several police cruisers follow at high speed.
EXT. HIGHWAY – DAY
Ann screeches the brakes to a halt.
LOUD SPEAKER
We have you covered. Put your hands up! Get out of the vehicle. NOW!
Police surround them. They handcuff both and read them their rights.
EXT. POLICE CRUISER – DAY
Police shove Ann and Dusty to the back of a cruiser.
Ann angry. Dusty’s silent.
DETECTIVE ADAMS
(all authority)
This is the car stolen from Ramsey’s Car Lot. Alright Lady! Looks like your luck just run out!
ANN
(motioning to Dusty.)
ME? I’ve been kidnapped by this maniac!
He says his dragon’s guilty of stealing everything, including me.
DETECTIVE RIMES
Sure. Kidnappers always blame it on their dragon.
ANN (angry) Where are you taking us?
DETECTIVE ADAMS
(dead-pan voice)
Out to a supper club! We can enjoy a fine steak!
Where do you think I’m taking you? To jail,
where thieves belong.
ANN
(to the cop)
I’m not a thief. I’m a teacher. This man is a kidnapper.
…rather him and his stupid dragon.
(she rolls her eyes,)
DETECTIVE ADAMS
Does that mean he has a monkey on his back–I mean, dragon?
ANN
What? Listen to me! He has a real dragon.
DETECTIVE ADAMS
(to Dusty)
Right! That true, Mr. Kidnapper? What’s your name?
And what’s she on?
DUSTY
No answer.
DETECTIVE ADAMS
What’s your dragon’s name? What’s your girlfriend’s name? Where’s this dragon she keeps talking about?
Dusty stares at the ground.
Ann’s just as silent.
DETECTIVE RIMES
You’re both making it hard on yourselves! Driving a stolen vehicle, obstructing justice, pissing me off– That alone is a ten- year sentence!
DETECTIVE RIMES
(to Ann)
Okay, if I buy this dragon story, tell me where that begins…
Re-write the beginning continuing story.
***
#3. This is a new scene present at the end of the play brought back to the beginning.
EXT. PLANE DAY
Overhead, inside the planet of Freome, black smoke barrels from a plane’s exhaust.
The aircraft has just lost another engine.
PANICKED PILOT
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! IS ANYONE READING ME?
STEWARDESS
(to passengers)
We’re experiencing turbulence. Please take your seats.
FEARFUL DOCTOR
What time is it? That donor kidney is never going to make it to Chicago in time!
UNRULY PASSENGER
Where we at? This ain’t Chicago!
An explosion rocks the cockpit. Another engine dies. Panic seizes the cabin. The airliner takes a nose dive. Passengers scream; debris scatters the plane
EXT. JUNGLE – DAY
A roar enlarges into an explosion. The jungle rises up to meet them, imploding through the windows. Bodies not secured go airborne. Dragons sprawl around the cockpit decapitated from the propellers.
A woman screams. Betsy wakes. Something’s got a hold of her, and it isn’t Billy. A wily dragon with a bloody snout, plies his fangs into her face. Then draws back, sneezes, and saturates her with slime.
BETSY (screaming)
LET ME GO, SLIMEBALL! WHERE’S MY BROTHER?
***
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Judith’s Amazing Opening Scene – LESSON 16
What I learned is to look at my script’s beginning and brainstorm possible openings that will catch the attention of a reader.
1. SU/twist opening: the movie opens in a tranquil neighborhood decorated for the Christmas holidays. Suddenly one of the houses explodes spilling debris all over the front lawn and onto the black Mercedes parked in front.
2.
3. The Shocking opening: In this opening we see how bad the Antagonist is. At first, we think she is having her mother visit and get ready for Christmas, but when mom starts talking about Rachel’s foster sister, she’s had it. Can’t take it anymore. Thinks her mother loves Emily more than her and carries out her plan to kill mom and then kill her sister.
4.
5. Intriguing scene from another place in the movie: This is a FB scene which shows how the animosity between the 2 sisters started. Rachel is having her 8-year-old birthday party, everyone is sitting around the birthday girl about to blow out her candles on her cake, when the doorbell rings. All jump from the table and leave Rachel sitting there staring at her birthday cake. Rachel hears everyone greet Emily and she is left alone.
ORIGINAL SCENE:
FADE IN:
EXT. MIDDLE CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Quiet streets. Christmas decorations and lights adorn the
houses creating a cheery atmosphere.
INT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
A modest living room decorated for Christmas. In one corner
a dried-out Christmas tree with all the trimmings.
Candles sit on every available spot. They are arranged in an
orderly fashion.
MOM,75, sits in a comfortable recliner watching her daughter,
RACHEL PAYNE,34, light the candles. Rachel is an intense
woman. She’s singly directed and once she makes up her mind,
nothing will change it. She always feels she is right.
A concerned look crosses Mom’s face.
MOM
Aren’t lighting all those candles a
bit dangerous, honey? If one caught
on fire, we’d all go up in flames.
Rachel grabs a blanket from the couch and covers Mom’s legs.
RACHEL
You know how I love candles.
She points to a fire extinguisher.
MOM
The tree looks awfully dry. You
should water it.
Rachel looks at the tree.
RACHEL
Hmmm…I’ll get some water.
She disappears. We HEAR water running. Rachel returns and
fills the tree stand with water.
Mom is deep in thought. Suddenly, her face brightens.
MOM
Rachel, when did you say Emily is
getting here?
Spinning around, almost lunging, Rachel gains composure.
2.
RACHEL
For the tenth time, in two days.
MOM
It’ll be so wonderful having us all
together again.
Rachel frowns.
Mom moves to get up from her chair. Rachel winces at the
effort and rushes over to her.
RACHEL
You know the doctor wants you resting
as much as possible.
Mom moves back into the recliner. Props her feet up and smiles
at her daughter.
MOM
Would you be a dear and get me the
album?
Rachel, annoyed, disappears down the hallway and returns with
a photo album.
MOM (CONT’D)
Thank you, dear.
She opens it up. Points to a picture.
MOM (CONT’D)
Remember when we took this photo?
Without even looking…
RACHEL
The day Emily arrived.
MOM
I was so thrilled to have her. And
a nice sister for you. You two look
so much alike everyone thought you
were sisters.
RACHEL
Yah, a nice birthday present for me.
Mom is lost in thought.
MOM
She was such a blessing.
3.
RACHEL (O.S.)
(indignantly)
Yah…
MOM
She looked so scared. You remember?
RACHEL
Ah…hah.
MOM
She made the house a place of joy.
A teapot SCREAMS in the kitchen.
RACHEL
Tea’s ready.
MOM
What dear?
RACHEL
Tea?
MOM
Don’t make it too hot.
RACHEL
Of course not, I wouldn’t want you
to spill it on yourself and get
burned.
MOM
Just the right amount of sugar.
She disappears into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Rachel pulls the screeching kettle off the stove.
RACHEL
Don’t make it too hot… Don’t forget
my sugar.
Rachel puts a doily onto a plate and carefully fills a cup
with water. Places a tea bag into it. Adds a couple of
teaspoonfuls of what looks like sugar.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Mom leafs through the album. Each picture seems to bring her
more happiness. She gets to one photo she’s overjoyed with
just as Rachel returns with her tea.
4.
MOM
Oh, look, this is when Emily won the
art prize. She was so thrilled.
Rachel almost drops the cup of tea. Catches herself and places
the tea on the end table by Mom.
RACHEL
Drink your tea.
Mom takes a cautious sip.
MOM
It’s not too hot. Good job.
Rachel’s surprised. She smiles at Mom who takes another sip
and cancels out her “good job” complement.
MOM (CONT’D)
What’s that taste?
RACHEL
(resigned)
A healthier, zero calorie sugar.
Rachel samples her tea. She watches Mom swizzle another sip.
RACHEL (CONT’D)
What do you think, good?
Mom’s face grimaces. She clutches at her throat. Coughs,
choking on her perfect tea.
RACHEL (CONT’D)
No good, huh…
She reaches out to Rachel who just stands there watching Mom
gasp for air.
As Mom fades away the tea cup falls to the floor spilling
liquid on the carpet.
Rachel disappears down the hallway. We hear a DRAGGING sound.
She returns pulling a body by the legs. A package anchored
under her arm.
The body is of a woman in dirty clothes. Her hair is tangled.
She looks as if she hasn’t bathe in a year.
She pulls the homeless woman next to the tree. Takes sawdust
from the package and sprinkles it around the room. A special
nice dose on Mom.
She puts the fire extinguisher in front of the homeless woman’s
body. Arranges her arms as if reaching for it.
5.
Not quite right. She works at it until she’s satisfied.
Rachel looks at Mom, unconscious. She kisses her. She lights
the candles.
RACHEL (CONT’D)
I’m afraid it’s gonna be too hot,
but just perfect.
She grabs her coat and purse. Knocks over all the candles.
The room bursts into flame. Rachel races toward the back of
the house.
EXT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Running toward a blue Chevy, Rachel gets in and drives away
just as the front windows of the house burst from flames.
The glass litters the dead front lawn and flies onto Rachel’s
black Mercedes parked in front of the house. The flames lap
at the car charring the side.
EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rachel’s neighbor, MRS. BROWN,60’S, runs out of her house.
MRS. BROWN
Oh, miGod. Oh, miGod.
She dials 911. Races to a hose and douses her house with
water.
EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT
Dark. A store: ART YOU WANT, original paintings and unique
ceramics with an “out of business, closed forever,” sign.
Rachel’s Chevy turns into the driveway, slows and stops in
front of the store.
INT. RACHEL’S CAR – NIGHT
A tear trickles down Rachel’s cheek. She throws a kiss at
the store and drives off.
REWRITTEN SCENE: Same scene with a few changes.
FADE IN:
EXT. MIDDLE CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Quiet streets. Christmas decorations and lights adorn the
houses creating a cheery atmosphere.
INT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
A modest living room decorated for Christmas. In one corner
a dried-out Christmas tree with all the trimmings.
Candles sit on every available spot. They are arranged in an
orderly fashion.
MOM,75, sits in a comfortable recliner watching her daughter,
RACHEL PAYNE,34, light the candles. Rachel is an intense
woman. She’s singly directed and once she makes up her mind,
nothing will change it. She always feels she is right.
A concerned look crosses Mom’s face.
MOM
Aren’t lighting all those candles a
bit dangerous, honey? If one caught
on fire, we’d all go up in flames.
Rachel grabs a blanket from the couch and covers Mom’s legs.
RACHEL
You know how I love candles.
She points to a fire extinguisher.
MOM
The tree looks awfully dry. You
should water it.
Rachel looks at the tree.
RACHEL
Hmmm…I’ll get some water.
She disappears. We HEAR water running. Rachel returns and
fills the tree stand with water.
Mom is deep in thought. Suddenly, her face brightens.
MOM
Rachel, when did you say Emily is
getting here?
Spinning around, almost lunging, Rachel gains composure.
RACHEL
For the tenth time, in two days.
MOM
It’ll be so wonderful having us all
together again.
Rachel frowns.
Mom moves to get up from her chair. Rachel winces at the
effort and rushes over to her.
RACHEL
You know the doctor wants you resting
as much as possible.
Mom moves back into the recliner. Props her feet up and smiles
at her daughter.
MOM
Would you be a dear and hand me the
album?
Rachel gives mom the photo album.
a photo album.
MOM (CONT’D)
Thank you, dear.
She opens it up. Points to a picture.
MOM (CONT’D)
Remember when we took this photo?
Without even looking…
RACHEL
The day Emily arrived.
MOM
I was so thrilled to have her. And
a nice sister for you. You two look
so much alike everyone thought you
were sisters.
RACHEL
Yah, a nice birthday present for me.
Mom’s face is aglow as she thumbs through the album. Pointing, and laughing, remembering all the wonderful times.
MOM
She was such a blessing.
RACHEL (O.S.)
(indignantly)
Yah…
MOM
She looked so scared. You remember?
RACHEL
Ah…hah.
MOM
She made the house a place of joy.
A teapot SCREAMS in the kitchen.
RACHEL
Tea’s ready.
MOM
What dear?
RACHEL
Tea?
MOM
Don’t make it too hot.
RACHEL
Of course not, I wouldn’t want you
to spill it on yourself and get
burned.
MOM
Just the right amount of sugar.
She disappears into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Rachel pulls the screeching kettle off the stove.
RACHEL
Don’t make it too hot… Don’t forget
my sugar.
Rachel puts a doily onto a plate and carefully fills a cup
with water. Places a tea bag into it. Adds a couple of
teaspoonfuls of what looks like sugar.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Mom ever so happy, she gets to one just as Rachel returns with her tea.
MOM
Oh, look, this is when Emily won the
art prize. She was so thrilled.
Rachel almost drops the cup of tea. Catches herself and places
the tea on the end table by Mom.
RACHEL
Drink your tea.
Mom takes a cautious sip.
MOM
It’s not too hot. Good job.
Rachel’s surprised. She smiles at Mom who takes another sip
and cancels out her “good job” complement.
MOM (CONT’D)
What’s that taste?
RACHEL
(resigned)
A healthier, zero calorie sugar.
Rachel samples her tea. She watches Mom swizzle another sip.
RACHEL (CONT’D)
What do you think, good?
Mom’s face grimaces. She clutches at her throat. Coughs,
choking on her perfect tea.
RACHEL (CONT’D)
No good, huh…
She reaches out to Rachel who just stands there watching Mom
gasp for air.
As Mom fades away the teacup falls to the floor spilling
liquid on the carpet.
Rachel disappears down the hallway. We hear a DRAGGING sound.
She returns pulling a body by the legs. A package anchored
under her arm.
The body is of a woman in dirty clothes. Her hair is tangled.
She looks as if she hasn’t bathe in a year.
She pulls the homeless woman next to the tree. Takes sawdust
from the package and sprinkles it around the room. A special
nice dose on Mom.
She puts the fire extinguisher in front of the homeless woman’s
body. Arranges her arms as if reaching for it.
Not quite right. She works at it until she’s satisfied.
Rachel looks at Mom, unconscious. She kisses her. She lights
the candles.
RACHEL (CONT’D)
I’m afraid it’s gonna be too hot, but just perfect.
She grabs her coat and purse. Knocks over all the candles.
The room bursts into flame. Rachel races toward the back of
the house.
EXT. RACHEL’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Running toward a blue Chevy, Rachel gets in and drives away
just as the front windows of the house burst from flames.
The glass litters the dead front lawn and flies onto Rachel’s
black Mercedes parked in front of the house. The flames lap
at the car charring the side.
EXT. NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rachel’s neighbor, MRS. BROWN,60’S, runs out of her house.
MRS. BROWN
Omigod. Omigod.
She dials 911. Races to a hose and douses her house with water.
EXT. STRIP MALL – NIGHT
Dark. A store: ART YOU WANT, original paintings and unique
ceramics with an “out of business, closed forever,” sign.
Rachel’s Chevy turns into the driveway, slows, and stops in
front of the store.
INT. RACHEL’S CAR – NIGHT
A tear trickles down Rachel’s cheek. She throws a kiss at
the store and drives off.
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Heather’s Amazing Opening Scene!
When I read my opening scene, even though I had previously elevated it, I wasn’t quite sure it was ‘there’. Yes it was atmospheric, but the main focus of the film is ‘Faith’ and I wanted to contrast the poverty of the Indian Reservations to the wealth of the Roman Catholic Church. It just wasn’t happening for me. I needed something better to grab the audience.
Really thinking about it, the story has changed now to how a small group of people were affected by one man, so that’s the story I need to tell. I went with that, starting with the most poignant character in the story – Joe, who loses his girlfriend to suicide ( a very common thing in adolescents in many first nations) It sets up the contrast between Reservation life and normal society. The original opening scene follows it.
New Opening Scene: Pulling us into a unique world and shocking us.
FADE IN:
EXT. WHITE PINE RESERVATION – DAY
Wind howls mournfully with the voice of the dead, whipping flakes of snow sideways through bare branches on a bleak winter day.
JOE OLIVER (18) crashes through the brittle trees, his breath sobbing as he runs. His clothes are ripped. His boots tattered.
JOE
Crystal! Crystal, don’t…
A clearing opens through the trees: a deep ravine, the windswept rock edge a knife against the sky.
CRYSTAL (16) balances precariously against the buffeting wind staring down at the river and rocks, 200 ft below.
She wears a beautiful scarf Joe has given her. It streams behind her like a tribal war banner in the wind.
JOE
Please don’t. Please. I’ll help you. We all will.
CRYSTAL
Nothin’s ever goin’ to change, Joe. I can’t, anymore.
She steps backwards off the ledge as Joe lunges forward.
For a second it looks like Joe might catch her, but she pulls away and falls, the scarf trailing upward in the wind to float, curling like a freed hawk.
JOE
Nooo! Fuck, God, were nothin’ to you, aren’t we?
Joe crumples into a broken heap at the lip of the ridge, his hand outstretched over the abyss…
MATCH CUT TO:
The original opening scene
INT. ST. PETER’S CATHEDRAL BASILICA, LONDON ONTARIO – DAY
…the trembling outstretched hand of FATHER JOHN AMBROSE (60) holding a silver chalice of communion wine. He steadies it surreptitiously with his other hand.
Ambrose would rather suffer crucifixion than have anyone notice how sick he is. He hangs onto the world: a stubborn, holy robed, cat-stuck-in-a-tree, as the stained glass windows spin like a child’s kaleidoscope.
AMBROSE V/O
They say when you’re about to die, your whole life flashes before you. No one tells you how in the days leading up to that moment every bad decision you’ve ever made plays like a looped film to haunt you.
BISHOP ROBERT DEGAUL (70’s) performs the graceful office of Communion, ahead of Ambrose. Every parishioner is here because they know he truly cares for them. He is the rock upon which this church stands.
You can see it on the rapt faces of every person – Peace. This is what they’ve come for.
AMBROSE V/O
We’re supposed to tie up loose ends. Dredging up the strength from somewhere around our toes like dirty sock lint.
Dust glitters like Holy incense in sunbeams. Candles flicker on silver communion vessels and the sumptuously embroidered robes of the priests on this, the last Advent service before Christmas.
The choir sings the Wexford carol in heart stopping acapella harmony that echoes from every beautifully decorated nook.
Ambrose concentrates on the pure voice of a young boy soaring above the others, while he balances carefully.
AMBROSE V/O
And faith? Well you hang onto that with every fingernail of strength you possess. People are watching you. Trying to see how it’s done, this dying.
But the Bishop, luminescent in his clerical robes like a knight of old, has no sword that will slay the pain his oldest friend battles. DeGaul, who preaches the assurance of salvation, wrestles with his own faith this bright day…
…and in the way he glances back at Ambrose, it’s clear he is losing the battle.
AMBROSE V/O
Some say Christianity is nothing more than a death cult anyways: all this longing to be in a heavenly paradise with a man who refused to stay decently dead.
The choir’s hymn drowns out their low words as they pass the bread and wine from parishioner to parishioner.
AMBROSE V/O
They don’t understand that resurrected man is my only hope to end this torture.
A man, JULES, steadies Ambrose’s hand in sympathy. His skin contrasts yellow against Jules’ fair complexion.
AMBROSE
God go with you, my Son.
JULES
And also with you, Father.
Ambrose turns to place the cup on the alter. It misses the edge, spilling wine in a puddle over the pristine alter cloth, dripping onto the floor.
Ambrose hits the floor, to land in ‘the blood of Christ’.
The rising parishioners gasp. Jules joins Bishop DeGaul, moving Ambrose into a comfortable position.
DEGAUL
John, can you hear me?
Ambrose sees DeGaul’s face blurred, very small and far away.
JULES
Should I call an ambulance?
The words echo in Ambrose’s ears like a retreating tide.
DEGAUL
Let’s get him to the office and see if he comes around.
(To the concerned people)
DEGAUL
Don’t worry, I won’t be giving him the last rites just yet.
To Ambrose, the faces around him have all blurred together.
JULES
Is there anything we can do?
So does this scene work better than the original? It ties in with another scene later on an answers the question of why Joe attacks one of the priests with a knife. We finally get to understand why Joe is so upset.
What I learned doing this: no matter what you think you’ve finished, there is still room for improvement. Are We There Yet Hal?
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Hey David, I love the scene in the boat as an opening. It’s short and to the point. Can you have it dissolve to the present day? Maybe craft a scene where he’s in the boat with the same guys, or the Inquisition taking him somewhere, but he’s a total gibbering whimp? Then, of course, the audience knows he’s going to come out okay and toughen up.
You could even add a line to the first scene like “You should have seen me when the shit hit the fan…” or something appropriate to him when the story starts.
Heather😃 Love this!
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Love this opening too. I’ll post comments later.
Working in this format on a script would be difficult. We need email. Did you connect recently with your Linked In or Goodreads connections?
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Well… Here’s the thing. Computer accounts have been hard for me lately cause, like a spectacular dumb ass I shattered my knee into thousands of pieces shortly after the course started. I think I can get on my Linked In on my phone. Go ahead and drop me a friend request there and we’ll see. Pain killers are messing with my head. Try doing the course on Opiates, Lol!
I was hoping I might exchange scripts with you in lesson 17? Hal was setting up a place for us to do this.
Heather
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Benito Selim’s Amazing Opening.
What I learned doing this assignment is your opening is everything and just as crucial as your ending. With the opening though, this is what gets the script into production and made. It is also the calling card for actors to attach themselves to your script and want to be a part of the movie being made.
ORIGINAL OPENING
In my original script and Rewrite I still begin with the protest at the construction site. The protest is against the construction company building the new housing development but disturbing the natural habitat. When I re-read the opening, I notice I gave away key information that ruined the story and gave away twists too early.
The new opening is still an attention grabber and I decided to add a montage to give more insight of the story.
REWRITTEN OPENING
OPENING MONTAGE
–Several NEWS CLIPS and VARIOUS SHOW CLIPS of animals attacking each other and people.
NEWS REPORTER #1
With no apparent motive the alligator attacked the car, as the victim fled the vehicle the alligator caught him.
–Florida news channel airs different stories of animal attacks.
–A dead body and battered car
–Several snakes flood a residential street
–An alligator breaks through a residential home front door.
NEWS REPORTER #2
Several reptile specialists along with animal cleared nearly a dozen snakes, all wild. The snakes appeared agitated and struck at several people.
END OPENING MONTAGE
EXT. FLORIDA HOUSING DEVELOPMENT- DAY
PROTESTERS block TRACTORS and WORKERS from entering. MEDIA VANS arrive, A REPORTER jumps out of one. MARTY LONG, 40’s construction foreman, attempts to clear the scene.
MARTY
People, we can answer your questions, if you just move aside and let my crew in.
The protesters and media ignore his request. Reporters, shove MICROPHONES into Marty’s face.
REPORTER #1
Is it true, your company is disturbing a natural habitat?
REPORTER #2
There have been reports, this site is leaking pollutants into the land. What is your take?
MARTY
These are just speculations. Now, please we got work to do.
A protester steps up to Marty.
PROTESTER
You’re pushing animals and reptiles out of their homes. Are you aware of that?
MARTY
We take the proper precautions.
PROTESTER
They’re moving into neighborhoods nearby.
POLICE and SHERIFFS DEPARTMENT arrive. OFFICERS and DEPUTIES, disperse the crowd.
An officer pulls the protester away, he yells to Marty.
PROTESTER
Attacking people, even when they’re not hungry. Your shitty company is gonna pay for this.
The officer puts the protester into his SQUAD CAR and walks to Marty.
OFFICER
If ya’ll need us back out here. Just give a holler.
Marty nods, the two exit in opposite directions.
EXT/INT. FOREMAN TRAILER- LATER
Marty walks up THE STAIRS to his OFFICE. ALLIGATOR #1, sleeps under, its awakes to footsteps.
OFFICE- LATER
Marty talks on THE PHONE.
MARTY
Construction will stay on time, I promise. We had the short delay today. Some bullshit about animals. Everything is fine, look I got to go.
Marty hangs up the phone, and moves ITEMS around the trailer.
UNDER THE TRAILER- CONTINUOUS
Alligator #1 grows irritated and knocks THE STAIRS with his TAIL.
SOUND: MEDAL CRASHING
Marty turns to the door and runs to it. Alligator #1 breaks through THE TRAILER FLOOR.
Marty throws FURNITURE and RANDOM OBJECTS at alligator #1.
Alligator #1 catches A CHAIR Marty throws. Marty gets around the alligator to reach the door. Alligator #1 breaks THE CHAIR in half.
EXT. FOREMAN TRAILER- CONTINUOUS
Marty steps out and falls to the ground. As Marty jumps to his feet, ALLIGATOR #2 stands before him.
SOUND: ALLIGATOR SNARL
Marty jumps back against the trailer. Alligator #1 bites down on him to his STOMACH.
SOUND: SCREAMS
Alligator #1 pulls Marty back into the trailer.
CONSTRUCTION CREW MEMBERS run to the trailer. Only A POOL OF BLOOD and SPRAYED BLOOD on a the trailer are visible.
The crew members stop in their tracks. One vomits as the rest stare in shock.
A RIVER OF BLOOD FLOWS into a nearby CREEK.
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