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Day 16 Assignments
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22 Replies
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David’s Outline Version 1.
Title: ALIEN RESURRECTION
Logline: A crippled ex-FBI agent must destroy the Cult that killed his daughter to save humanity from Alien extermination.
1. AN FBI OFFICE.
Relaxed, doing normal business. The usual desks, windows and rest rooms.
A shadow darkens the office. An Alien spaceship passes over the building. People become angry or fearful. The spaceship stops moving. People become hysterical after a few minutes. The effect is so awful that one agent blows his brains out in the restroom and another takes poison, although there is no overt threat. The spaceship moves on and people slowly relax.
SAUL, the protagonist, is one of the agents. An average Joe doing his FBI job. He also became panicked. Can barely answer the phone when his wife calls. He excitedly volunteers to pick up his daughter, Joann. He needs the reassurance of seeing her after the experience
2. SCHOOL AND STREET.
Saul is driving peacefully to Joann’s school. Turns a corner and sees a demonstration. Frightened, he is reassured by a COP and sees that the demonstrators are peaceful.
Some of the demonstrators belong to an antiAien psychopathic Cult, sworn to destroy the Aliens. They believe that by killing enough humans and creating chaos the Aliens will leave. They target children, because the Aliens sterilized many humans and exterminated others by mind control.
RUTH, the antagonist and head of the Cult, is monitoring the situation.
Most cops leave and Ruth orders the shooting. The one remaining Cop is shot first. The Cultists start shooting. Children teachers, and bystanders are being slaughtered,
Saul rushes in, shooting Cultists and rescuing children. Saul and Joann are almost shot, but the Cop kills the Cultist just before dying. The Cultists leave as more cops arrive.
Just as Saul thinks they are safe, Ruth returns to deliberately murder Joann and badly wound Saul before driving off again.
3. HOSPITAL.
Ruth enters the hospital determined to kill Saul in revenge for foiling her plans. He is saved when Ruth finds out he is certain to die. Saul is badly injured, but saved with the help of Alien medical devices. He is given enhanced reflexes by a brain implant during his surgery.
Saul’s wife becomes catatonic because of the loss of her daughter. Saul promises her that he will kill the woman who is responsible. She was laughing when she killed the daughter but she won’t be laughing when Saul gets through with her.
4. REHAB ROOM.
Saul finds he has superfast reflexes and above normal strength.
5. ANOTHER FBI OFFICE.
Saul is fired from the FBI because they consider him a freak, with his alien derived reflexes, and his traumatic experiences.
6. STREET.
Saul is leaving the FBI office when a woman, SANDY, starts to follow him. He tries to corner her, but she almost breaks his arm. She is a tough cookie. She tells him she belongs to an Agency that protects the Aliens from human threats, because of fear of what Aliens might do, if provoked. The Agency is secret, because most people hate the Aliens, because of what they did. Even though, the world is a better place without the criminals who were exterminated. The Agency wants Saul.
7. AGENCY OFFICE.
A messy office – anarchic, people cleaning weapons, smoking, lounging, arguing. Not at all like the FBI.
Saul goes to the Agency and they hire him because of his hatred of the Cult.
Saul learns the Agency is only loosely bound by laws. They are a government vigilante organization. MORGAN is second in command.
Saul questions if the Agency is any better than the Aliens if they kill without due process. He’s partnered with Sandy. They are told to go to a Dr. Benedict’s lab, because he is an expert on the Aliens.
8. BENEDICT’S LABORATORY.
Dimly lit, shadows. Lab and work benches with chemicals, electronics and construction materials. A large, echoing space. The robots are industrial types. They have wheels, treads, tool-arms. Not humanoid. Robots are working at their stations. A few are sweeping, cleaning etc.
Benedict gives them a brief history, with visuals, of the Alien invasion, ten years before. They appeared overhead and commandeered radio and TV communications. They announced that in one week, at midnight, all humans who had committed a violent crime or politicians who had betrayed the public trust would be exterminated after three-hours of unimaginable pain. Those who were less culpable would be sterilized. The Aliens used specific mind-control to carry this out. Millions died and hundreds of millions were sterilized.
The result was peace and prosperity. Almost no crime, armies, prisons, pollution, species extinction, global warming, but plenty of food, housing for everyone, taxes for education and health care etc. Most humans still hated the Aliens for their attack.
Benedict shows them some inventions he’s worked on. There is an EMP device he hoped to use on the Aliens, but it was not powerful enough to reach the ships. Also, a mind-control device he had hoped to turn against the Aliens, but it only destroyed brain function.
Benedict admires the Aliens. He believes that people should be ruled by intelligence and strength.
9. AGENCY OFFICE.
Saul and Sandy get information about a bomb-making factory…
10. BOMB FACTORY.
Roughly furnished room. Tables with bomb-making equipment and tools.
…They follow other agents in after the room has been cleared of bodies. A young GIRL is being tortured. Saul uses a fake video of Aliens eating people to frighten her into telling him where the bomb is. The Cult is trying to put a bomb on an Alien spaceship.
11. SHUTTLE PORT.
There are buildings around the edge of the field, including a large restaurant. There are palettes, piles of packages and various assemblies all around.
Saul and Sandys go to the space shuttle port supplying Alien ships with materials. They quickly find the bomb and disarm it. Feeling relaxed, they don’t see a dozen- drones gathering.
The drones attack with lasers and grenades. Saul and Sandy try to shoot the drones, but they are too many and too fast. The explosions and laser firing make the situation desperate. They are forced to run and dodge to avoid being killed, but the open ground is too exposed. They run into a restaurant.
12. RESTAURANT.
A restaurant with the usual tables, chairs, booths, columns, gas grill in the back behind the service counter, a bar, racks of glasses and bottles etc.
They continue to fight the drones, but are outgunned and outmanned. They destroy a few, but the restaurant becomes a shambles. There is no place to hide. They go back -to-back and freeze, waiting for the inevitable. Luckily, the drones can’t target unmoving objects. They put off the inevitable for a short time, but gradually the drones reacquire their targets. However, Saul had started a fire on the stove and the smoke set off the smoke alarms. The sprinkler system starts spraying water that shorts out the drones and they all fall to the floor.
13. CULT HEADQUARTERS.
A dark house. Lots of staircases, doors, rooms, corners, windows to crash through, landings to fall from etc.
The Agency finds Ruth’s hideout and attacks like a SWAT team. Commands shouted: “Two-man CQC!”, “Move!”, “Cover!”, “Clear!”, etc.
Use armored cars, RPGs, automatic weapons, flame throwers. Snipers across the street. Move in like army special forces. Night viewing glasses. People getting shot. Hand to hand combat. Saul uses enhanced reflexes to kill opponents. Sandy is wounded. LAURA, Ruth’s girlfriend, is wounded. Ruth is captured.
Sandy puts a gun to Ruth’s head and tells Laura to talk, or else. Laura tells them of a
mole in the Agency. Laura is removed.
Ruth tells Saul that if he kills her, he is no better than the Aliens and she will be freed anyway, because everyone hates the Aliens. Saul hesitates, then shoots Ruth in the kneecaps and kidneys. He records her screams on the video, locks the door and tells his agents that the room is clear.
14. AGENCY HEADQUARTERS.
Saul tells Morgan, second in command, that they have killed the head of the antiAliens. Morgan thinks he means Benedict and his role is revealed.
15. BENEDICT’S LABORATORY.
As before with the robots.
Saul and Sandy meet Benedict at his lab. Morgan is dead. Benedict activates the robots and they attack. The robots have saws, blowtorches, clubs, nail-guns etc. as weapons. The fight is viewed through external and robot’s POV. Bullets can damage some robots, but not others. Some robots are inactivated, but there are too many.
Saul makes it to Benedict’s office, but is attacked by a robot dog.
Sandy is trapped by a flame throwing robot.
Just in time, Sandy manages to work her way to the switch that tuns on Benedict’s prototype EMP machine. The EMP inactivates the robots. Saul fights with Benedict and forces his head into the mind-control device. Benedict becomes a babbling idiot.
16.SAUL’S HOME.
Saul plays the tape of Ruth’s screams to his catatonic wife and she smiles.
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Brad’s outline v. 1
“WEDDED REVENGE”
LOGLINE: Newlyweds become serial killers to avenge the crime that cost them their honeymoon.
1. OPENING IMAGE: Alternate between Carlos at his bachelor party swinging and breaking open a piñata, and Aliyah at her bachelorette party having fun with her friend tossing hatchets at an axe bar. There is a level of incongruity between the celebratory fun, and the violent sounds of the bat hitting the piñata and axes hitting the target.
2. Wedding: They get married; we learn they’re both teachers with the summer off, and that they’ll be flying to Amsterdam to catch a Baltic cruise for their honeymoon.
3. CATALYST: Upon arrival in Amsterdam, while boarding a train at the airport, a stealthy thief lifts one of their carry-ons with all Aliyah’s documents, credit cards, etc. They notice the bag is gone just as the thief steps off the train, but they get a good look at him. The only other person on the train, a guy buried in red shopping bags and rambling nonsense, is no help.
4. They run into all sorts of hassles trying to get a new passport and credit cards. As a result they miss their cruise. But Aliyah remembers she gave Carlos a Tile tracking device and it’s on his keys in his bag. The app shows the bag is in a small town outside Amsterdam.
5. In the town, they see a woman wearing one of Aliyah’s shirts. They follow and are led to the thief at a cafe. He runs, they chase, and ultimately the guy rounds a corner and gets killed by a truck. The Tile shows the bag has been dumped in a canal.
BREAK INTO ACT II. (They are now hunters)
6. They realize they didn’t mind seeing the guy who ruined their honeymoon get smushed, and while waiting for the consulate to get the passport situation resolved, decide to look for the man with the bags. (They realize now he was part of the theft; he was the Distractor.)
7. After searching many trains and eventually find him. Their intent is to beat him up. But the fight gets out of hand, Carlos and the man end up rolling out the door of the moving train; Aliyah jumps. The struggle ends up between the train tracks as another train flies by over them. Carlos forces the guy’s arm out and it is severed by the train. The guy dies.
8. Realizing they kinda liked that revenge feeling, they buy a metal pipe, fill it with nails, and a hand axe and begin stalking pickpockets and dippers, following them to areas where no one is watching, and killing them. (Carlos hits them with the pipe and Aliyah cuts of their hands with the axe.)
9. Their reign of terror is going along swimmingly well – with a few close calls of course – until they follow a female pickpocket. When they have her where they want her, Carlos freezes. He just can’t get himself to kill a woman. Aliyah and the woman end up in a knife vs axe fight and ultimately the woman gets away.
MID-POINT. (They are now the hunted)
10. The woman is able to report to her gang leader, Omor Net, what happened and give a description. Omor Net first believes the killers must be Moroccans from a rival pickpocket gang and a gang war ensues with Carlos and Aliyah caught in the middle. Ultimately, Omor realizes his mistake, makes amends by offering the Moroccans some of his underage girls, and the leaders of the two gangs place a wager on Carlos and Aliyah’s heads.
11. The Moroccans come close to catching them but they escape. They do not, however, escape Omor Net and his Romanian gang. Captive and facing certain death, they’re saved by a young girl who’s part of Omor’s sex trafficking ring, who slides them a knife to escape.
12. After escaping, they realize they have to go back to save the girl, which they do. They help her return to her native Romania.
BREAK INTO ACT III
13. Omor Net is able to track Carlos and Aliyah to Bucharest. Now he has them on his native turf. They are unaware he has people following them. They return the girl home.
14. They board a Danube cruise to at least get some of the honeymoon experience. Omor Net and his assassins board the boat and this leads to the final showdown. Carlos and Aliyah kill Omor by shoving him off the boat and he’s chewed up by the propellors.
EPILOGUE:
15. Fast forward 6 months; they finally get their honeymoon – a winter trip to the Caribbean. But they can’t check in to their hotel — their identification has been stolen,
CLOSING IMAGE:
They share a knowing look (and the stage is set for a possible sequel.)
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Janeen’s Outline Version 1
Army Ranger Santa — Action/Comedy
A former Army Ranger and his PTSD teacup poodle rescue the President’s parents and their Secret Service agent, vanquishing foreign kidnappers and a rogue FBI agent, during a holiday chase to a lakeside cottage safe house.
OPENING: A failed Army mission in the war left Nick, an Army Ranger, with PTSD and a teacup poodle, Grizzly, as his PTSD assistance dog. Working as a Santa at the mall, his elf points out the President’s parents who mall walk every morning with their beautiful Secret Service agent. Villains plan to use an FBI double agent and foreign mercenaries to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to pay a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network. Then they’ll kill the parents and escape.
INCITING INCIDENT: The rogue FBI agent and his mercenary shoot the Secret Service agent and kidnap the parents. Santa, aka Nick, ditches his hat, stashes little Grizzly in his “handy carrier” and knocks out the bad guys with military precision. He puts the parents on the mall cop’s Segway and sends them to a side door where he meets them after dispatching two more mercenaries and retrieving his go-bag.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
In a chase, Nick causes the bad guys to wreck their car. The FBI agent tells the authorities that the mall Santa is kidnapping the President parents and the manhunt is on.
MIDPOINT
After removing the bugs and tracking devices on the parents, Nick heads cross country. At a rest area, the government agents catch up by tracking the FBI radio Nick has been using to monitor the manhunt. Nick has to take out the FBI agent and mercenary again. This time, the Secret Service agent, still beautiful and still alive, disables the bad guys’ vehicle and picks up the chase.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2
The terrorist organization’s boss sends in assassins to clean things up and finds that the Secret Service agent is on the trail of the parents. He tells the FBI rogue agent to get all of the government’s assets tracking her phone. Using off-grid tactics from his wartime training, Nick uses travel by water, on foot, and a borrowed cottage to lose the bad guys who have been tailing him.
CRISIS
The villains track the Secret Service agent when she joins Nick and the parents at the borrowed cottage, capturing all four of them. They call the President again to reinforce their threat. He tells them they have his parents’ doubles. His real parents are with him in the White House. They decide to kill the doubles.
CLIMAX
Using items from the cottage, the parents, Secret Service agent and Nick escape from the bad guys and hide the parents in a new location, arming them, setting booby traps and using improvised weapons and traps to defeat them. After tying them up and using secure comm devices to notify the President that they are safe, the search is called off and the rogue FBI agent is identified. The President is shocked to learn that he was lied to about the doubles.
RESOLUTION
The terrorists defeated, the Secret Service agent, Nick, and the parents prepare to return to DC in a private jet. The agent and Santa have become a couple and the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.
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want to exchange? Kathy
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Yes. I’ll take a look at yours by Thursday.
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Great! Thanks.
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I have made the climax scene in the UN detailed, not in outline form, but I wanted you to see some details in the script.
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Janeen’s Outline Version 1
Army Ranger Santa — Action/Comedy
LOGLINE: A former Army Ranger and his <s>PTSD teacup</s> poodle rescue the President’s parents and a Secret Service agent, <s>vanquishing foreign kidnappers and a rogue FBI agent</s>, <s>during</s> <s>a holiday chase to a</s> as they escape to a <s>lakeside cottage</s> safe house.
OPENING: A failed Army mission <s>in the war</s> left Nick, an Army Ranger, with PTSD and a teacup poodle, Grizzly, as his PTSD assistance dog. Working as a Santa at the mall, his elf assistant points out the President’s parents who mall walk every morning with their beautiful Secret Service agent ( MARIE). Villains plan to use an FBI double agent (TOM) and foreign mercenaries to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to pay a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network. Then they’ll kill the parents and escape.
INCITING INCIDENT: The <s>rogue FBI agent</s> Tom and his men <s>mercenary</s> shoot Marie <s>the Secret Service agent</s> and kidnap the parents. Santa, aka Nick, ditches his hat, stashes little Grizzly in his “handy carrier” and knocks out the bad guys with military precision. He puts the parents on the mall cop’s Segway and sends them to a side door where he meets them after dispatching two more<s> mercenaries</s> men and retrieving his go-bag.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
In a chase, Nick causes the bad guys to wreck their car. <s>The FBI agent</s> Tom tells the authorities that the mall Santa is kidnapping the President parents and the manhunt is on.
MIDPOINT
After removing the bugs and tracking devices on the parents, Nick heads cross country. At a rest area, <s>the </s>government agents catch up by tracking Nick’s <s>the FBI</s> radio <s>Nick has been using to monitor the manhunt</s>. Nick has to take out <s>the FBI agent and mercenary</s> Tom and his men again. This time, Marie, <s>the Secret Service agent, still beautiful and</s> still alive, disables the bad guys’ vehicle and picks up the chase.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2
The terrorist organization’s boss sends in assassins to clean things up and finds that Marie <s>the Secret Service agent </s>is on the trail of the parents. He tells <s>the FBI rogue agent</s> Tom to get all of the government’s assets tracking her phone.(confusing) Using off-grid tactics from his wartime training, Nick uses travel by water, on foot, and a borrowed cottage to lose the bad guys who have been tailing him.
CRISIS
The villains track Marie <s>the Secret Service agent</s> when she joins Nick and the parents at the <s>borrowed </s>cottage, capturing all four of them. They call the President again to reinforce their threat. He tells them they have his parents’ doubles. His real parents are with him in the White House. They decide to kill the doubles.
CLIMAX
Using items from the cottage, the parents, Marie, <s>Secret Service agent</s> and Nick escape from the bad guys and hide the parents in a new location, arming them, setting booby traps and using improvised weapons and traps to defeat them. After tying them up and using secure comm devices to notify the President that they are safe, the search is called off and the rogue FBI agent is identified. The President is shocked to learn that he was lied to about the doubles.
RESOLUTION
The terrorists defeated, Marie <s>the Secret Service agent</s>, Nick, and the parents prepare to return to DC in a private jet. The agent and Santa have become a couple and the parents wink as though this was their plan all along.
Like this script. Shortened some things. Have added names to clarify who is who. Name the parents too. Can you fix the confusing sentence?
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Thanks, Kathy
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<s>word to be deleted</s> means delete it, the strikethroughs didn’t format right, so <s>PTSD teacup</s> means delete it. I can email you a version if you want.
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Kathy’s Outline Version 1
Title: CHASING CULTURES
Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward, a rookie NYC detective uncovers a plot to blow up the UN building, financed by stolen antique art sales.
INTRODUCTION: Iraq war, fighting in the streets. Thieves break into the National Museum in Bagdad and steal an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh incised on it.(A,V, danger, fight)
In Manhattan, a TV news shows a storm forming in the Caribbean, (V,danger)
INCITING INCIDENT: Detective Susan overhears a man in a Pakistani rug store talking about a stolen tablet in a Christie’s auction (M, danger)
Susan’s Boss tells her to ignore it, no proof of any crime (M,competition)
Storm now a tropical depression (V,danger)
She argues with the director at Christies. (M,V,interrogation)
Depression now a tropical storm. (V,danger)
She tells her chief about the plot and the chief says go be a real reporter. (M,competition)
Small craft warnings issued for Caribbean. (V,danger)
Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin. (V,escape/evade)
FIRST TURNING POINT: Susan’s assigned the case. Follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, but has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (M,interrogation)
MIDPOINT: Thief tells the mob boss about Susan. They sideswipe her on a highway but she’s not hurt. (V,danger)
Another subplot:
The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. (V,violence) He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. (intrigue) The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. (competition) She unhappily agrees.
Gale force winds lash Puerto Rico. The storm takes a northward turn. Reporters hound the mayor for ignoring the hurricane. It will hit the city and the city is not prepared.(V,danger)
The terrorists decide to kidnap Susan’s wife. (danger)
They watch the house until she drives up with the kids in the back seat. She opens the garage door, drives in and, as the garage door is closing, the thieves stop it. (surprise)
They muscle her and the kids into the house. The kids are locked in an upstairs bedroom. The man slaps her (shock), then gets out a knife. He drags the point across her neck as she sobs. Then he stops and starts to climb the steps. She yells for him to stop, to not hurt the kids. He walks back. She tells the men that Susan overheard the rug store owner’s conversation and the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq.
The man writes a ransom note and leaves it on the kitchen table for Susan. They bind her wife’s hands and push her into their car and drive off. (surprise, extortion)
The storm is off Andros and heading north. Will hit NYC in 6 days. (danger)
SECOND TURNING POINT: Susan finds the note, has it checked for prints, ID’s the print, finds the mob boss owns a warehouse, takes a squad there. Gun fight with the thieves. (shootout) Man holds her wife, threatens to shoot her. Susan puts down her M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. (twist) She shoots and the man dies, the wife runs into Susan’s arms. Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. (reveal) Finds invoices with the rug store letterhead. Finds a note that mentions a bomb.
Interrogates store owner. He says nothing, wants his lawyer. (M)
Susan goes back to Christies, tells director that the painting was recovered, can go in the auction. (M) And there were stolen antiques in the warehouse, destined for the auction. (M) Still no proof the tablet was stolen. The director almost tells her about the mayor but stops.
The storm hits Jacksonville. (V, danger)
Susan looks at bank records from the rug store, finds a withdrawal to a Pakistani company, also purchases from sports stores and pawn shops. (M,reveal)
She goes to the stores, finds semi-automatic gun purchases.(M, reveal)
Storm off Outer Banks. (V, danger)
Susan calls the FBI, who tell her there are links to Pakistani terrorists at the rug company. (M, V, danger)
CRISIS: Susan interrogates the store owner, beats him up. (violence, torture) Finds guns and ammunition stored in carpet rolls. (M, reveal) Finds photos of the UN building. (M, reveal) Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names. (M, reveal)
Sends officers to their houses but all are gone. (M, evade)
CLIMAX: Susan realizes an attack could be in motion so she heads to the UN. (M)
The hurricane winds pummel the streets.
She runs to the stairs and hurries down two flights to the parking garage.
The vans leave the parking garage.
The vans are buffered by pelting rain and high winds. Debris flies into the sides of the vans. Skyscraper windows shatter and glass shards fall onto the street. The van swerves, then a tree falls behind it, narrowly missing the van.
They duck as they cross the plaza, running towards the main doors to the General Assembly Building.
Flying debris hits one man and he is knocked unconscious. Another officer drags him to shelter.
The officers pass through entry doors in the tall glass wall.
Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room.
Susan’s men spread out. Some enter the meditation room. Some follow Susan up the ramp to the second floor.
At the top of the stairs, Susan finds wounded and dead UN guards. She kneels next to one man.
BAM, BAM. Shots can be heard from behind the Hall doors.
Officers come out of the empty Meditation room, go up in each elevator, and search the floors as they surround the Hall.
PING, PING. Shots come from terrorists on the 3rd and 4th floors.
Susan leads a team up to the 4rd floor balcony.
They breach the doors, CRASH, then throw grenades inside, then duck.
BOOM, BOOM. The grenades go off, killing four terrorists. One lives but is wounded. Susan grabs him, shoves her gun into his neck.
She head butts him with her gun and he falls back, unconscious.
Susan rises, looks down upon the Hall.
PING, PING. Shots fly near her. They come from the 3rd floor balcony.
Susan ducks and sprints back to the doors, motioning for the men to follow.
Susan and the team speed down to the 3rd floor balcony. PING, PING.
They hear gunshots through the doors.
They kick the doors open, guns firing. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM.
Six terrorists lie dead on the balcony floor.
Susan approaches the ledge, crouching, then peers over it.
A dozen terrorists aim their guns and surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall.
Susan discusses the situation.
Susan points at him, Team member 3. Get smoke bombs asap.
The man rushes down the stairs, past the swinging pendulum, and out the entry doors.
He runs toward the police vans, ducking flying debris, opens the doors to one van, and climbs in it.
Twenty seconds later, he hurries out of the van carrying a backpack. A dozen steps into his run for the doors, he gets hit by flying debris, goes down.
Susan watches in horror as he falls in the middle of the plaza.
She points at Team Member 2. Get him in and bring those smoke bombs to me.
He dashes down the stairs and runs outside.
He drags the wounded officer to safety.
Susan runs down the stairs to the second floor, her team close behind her.
Team Member 2 gives the backpack to Susan who opens it and passes out smoke bombs to five officers.
Susan points to two officers. Take the fourth floor.
They rush up the stairs.
She points to two more officers. Take the third floor.
They rush up the stairs.
Susan points to Team Member 2. Follow me.
She opens the backpack and takes out tubing and two canisters. She connects tubing to each smoke bomb then hands one to the officer. They push the ends of the tubing under the Hall doors.
The 4 officers throw the smoke bombs towards the terrorists in the center of the Hall.
Susan turns on the gas and it flows through the tubing.
The terrorists are surprised as smoke fills the room. They panic and shoot at the doors. PING, PING, PING.
Susan and Team Member 2 rush away from the doors as bullets come flying through. They each stand on either side of the doors.
In the Hall, a fight has broken out as the hostages fight with the terrorists.
One terrorist shoots a hostage who falls to the floor.
The fighting stops as everyone is engulfed in smoke. Many cough. Some fall to the ground.
Two terrorists grab hostages. One yells at the other terrorists.
He pushes his hostage with his gun barrel and goes through back doors at the end of the Hall. About six other terrorists grab hostages and follow their leader.
The smaller room is used as a reception suite and for conferences. The terrorists lock the door and point their guns at the hostages.
Susan and her officers storm into the main hall and shoot a dozen terrorists. PING, PING, PING, PING.
Several men try to escape but are captured.
One hostage points to the back door. They took people in there.
Susan nods. She turns to Team Member 1. Bring me sleeping gas and tubing.
The man rushes out, struggles through the high winds to the police van, and brings back four canisters.
Susan pipes the gas into the Reception suite.
Everyone in the room falls asleep.
Susan and her men run into the Reception Suite and handcuff the terrorists.
The hostages are free.
Susan looks at her officers. But where is the bomb?
Bomb discovered after a frantic search of the building, was in a basement storage closet.
RESOLUTION: Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. (M, reveal)
Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the director who confesses and asks for clemency.
Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the mayor who doesn’t.
The mayor is arrested.(M)
The director is given probation. (M)
The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. (M)
Susan and his wife attend the Christie’s auction. (M)
They clink flutes with the director.
THE END.
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Kathy’s Outline Version 1
***Kathy — I’ll post my comments in here with *** ahead of them so they’ll stand out as I go through your outline, Action Class Skill Mastery Sheet in hand.
Title: CHASING CULTURES
Logline: As a dangerous hurricane tracks northward, a rookie NYC detective uncovers a plot to blow up the UN building, financed by stolen antique art sales.
*** Demand for action is clear in your logline — 3 kinds of danger (storm, blowing things up, catching thieves) and a rookie detective (not a rookie cop who might not have skills) hero — nice — skilled hero. Villains are natural and human. Excellent.
INTRODUCTION: Iraq war, fighting in the streets. Thieves break into the National Museum in Bagdad and steal an ancient clay tablet with the story of Gilgamesh incised on it.(A,V, danger, fight)
In Manhattan, a TV news shows a storm forming in the Caribbean, (V,danger)
INCITING INCIDENT: Detective Susan overhears a man in a Pakistani rug store talking about a stolen tablet in a Christie’s auction (M, danger)
Susan’s Boss tells her to ignore it, no proof of any crime (M,competition)
Storm now a tropical depression (V,danger)
She argues with the director at Christies. (M,V,interrogation)
Depression now a tropical storm. (V,danger)
She tells her chief about the plot and the chief says go be a real reporter. (M,competition)
Small craft warnings issued for Caribbean. (V,danger)
Thieves steal a valuable painting from a La Guardia cargo bin. (V,escape/evade)
FIRST TURNING POINT: Susan’s assigned the case. Follows the trail, traces fingerprints, finds one off the thieves. Interrogates him, but has to let him go. Not enough proof since he is an airline employee. (M,interrogation)
MIDPOINT: Thief tells the mob boss about Susan. They sideswipe her on a highway but she’s not hurt. (V,danger)
Another subplot:
The mayor of NYC is a hidden villain. At an auction, the mayor meets the director of Christies. He tells her that they should speak in private. After shutting the door to a conference room, he grabs her ass and kisses her. She slaps him. (V,violence) He says, you’ll regret that, as she hurries out. The next day, the mayor tells his aide to research her finances. A week later, he puts a report on the mayor’s desk. There are suspicious deposits in her bank account from an art gallery. She has been taking bribes and using the money to pay her mother’s nursing home bills. (intrigue) The mayor tells her that he wants part of the money. (competition) She unhappily agrees.
Gale force winds lash Puerto Rico. The storm takes a northward turn. Reporters hound the mayor for ignoring the hurricane. It will hit the city and the city is not prepared.(V,danger)
The terrorists decide to kidnap Susan’s wife. (danger)
They watch the house until she drives up with the kids in the back seat. She opens the garage door, drives in and, as the garage door is closing, the thieves stop it. (surprise)
They muscle her and the kids into the house. The kids are locked in an upstairs bedroom. The man slaps her (shock), then gets out a knife. He drags the point across her neck as she sobs. Then he stops and starts to climb the steps. She yells for him to stop, to not hurt the kids. He walks back. She tells the men that Susan overheard the rug store owner’s conversation and the antique panel at the auction was stolen from a museum in Iraq.
The man writes a ransom note and leaves it on the kitchen table for Susan. They bind her wife’s hands and push her into their car and drive off. (surprise, extortion)
The storm is off Andros and heading north. Will hit NYC in 6 days. (danger)
SECOND TURNING POINT: Susan finds the note, has it checked for prints, ID’s the print, finds the mob boss owns a warehouse, takes a squad there. Gun fight with the thieves. (shootout) Man holds her wife, threatens to shoot her. Susan puts down her M16 as asked but has a handgun hidden behind it. (twist) She shoots and the man dies, the wife runs into Susan’s arms. Finds stolen painting from LGA cargo plus more antiques. (reveal) Finds invoices with the rug store letterhead. Finds a note that mentions a bomb.
Interrogates store owner. He says nothing, wants his lawyer. (M)
Susan goes back to Christies, tells director that the painting was recovered, can go in the auction. (M) And there were stolen antiques in the warehouse, destined for the auction. (M) Still no proof the tablet was stolen. The director almost tells her about the mayor but stops.
The storm hits Jacksonville. (V, danger)
Susan looks at bank records from the rug store, finds a withdrawal to a Pakistani company, also purchases from sports stores and pawn shops. (M,reveal)
She goes to the stores, finds semi-automatic gun purchases.(M, reveal)
Storm off Outer Banks. (V, danger)
Susan calls the FBI, who tell her there are links to Pakistani terrorists at the rug company. (M, V, danger)
CRISIS: Susan interrogates the store owner, beats him up. (violence, torture) Finds guns and ammunition stored in carpet rolls. (M, reveal) Finds photos of the UN building. (M, reveal) Finds phone numbers and lists of men’s names. All have Middle Eastern names. (M, reveal)
Sends officers to their houses but all are gone. (M, evade)
CLIMAX: Susan realizes an attack could be in motion so she heads to the UN. (M)
The hurricane winds pummel the streets.
She runs to the stairs and hurries down two flights to the parking garage.
The vans leave the parking garage.
The vans are buffered by pelting rain and high winds. Debris flies into the sides of the vans. Skyscraper windows shatter and glass shards fall onto the street. The van swerves, then a tree falls behind it, narrowly missing the van.
They duck as they cross the plaza, running towards the main doors to the General Assembly Building.
Flying debris hits one man and he is knocked unconscious. Another officer drags him to shelter.
The officers pass through entry doors in the tall glass wall.
Beyond the lobby to the right is the small Meditation Room.
Susan’s men spread out. Some enter the meditation room. Some follow Susan up the ramp to the second floor.
At the top of the stairs, Susan finds wounded and dead UN guards. She kneels next to one man.
BAM, BAM. Shots can be heard from behind the Hall doors.
Officers come out of the empty Meditation room, go up in each elevator, and search the floors as they surround the Hall.
PING, PING. Shots come from terrorists on the 3rd and 4th floors.
Susan leads a team up to the 4rd floor balcony.
They breach the doors, CRASH, then throw grenades inside, then duck.
BOOM, BOOM. The grenades go off, killing four terrorists. One lives but is wounded. Susan grabs him, shoves her gun into his neck.
She head butts him with her gun and he falls back, unconscious.
Susan rises, looks down upon the Hall.
PING, PING. Shots fly near her. They come from the 3rd floor balcony.
Susan ducks and sprints back to the doors, motioning for the men to follow.
Susan and the team speed down to the 3rd floor balcony. PING, PING.
They hear gunshots through the doors.
They kick the doors open, guns firing. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM.
Six terrorists lie dead on the balcony floor.
Susan approaches the ledge, crouching, then peers over it.
A dozen terrorists aim their guns and surround one hundred cowering hostages in the middle of the Hall.
Susan discusses the situation.
Susan points at him, Team member 3. Get smoke bombs asap.
The man rushes down the stairs, past the swinging pendulum, and out the entry doors.
He runs toward the police vans, ducking flying debris, opens the doors to one van, and climbs in it.
Twenty seconds later, he hurries out of the van carrying a backpack. A dozen steps into his run for the doors, he gets hit by flying debris, goes down.
Susan watches in horror as he falls in the middle of the plaza.
She points at Team Member 2. Get him in and bring those smoke bombs to me.
He dashes down the stairs and runs outside.
He drags the wounded officer to safety.
Susan runs down the stairs to the second floor, her team close behind her.
Team Member 2 gives the backpack to Susan who opens it and passes out smoke bombs to five officers.
Susan points to two officers. Take the fourth floor.
They rush up the stairs.
She points to two more officers. Take the third floor.
They rush up the stairs.
Susan points to Team Member 2. Follow me.
She opens the backpack and takes out tubing and two canisters. She connects tubing to each smoke bomb then hands one to the officer. They push the ends of the tubing under the Hall doors.
The 4 officers throw the smoke bombs towards the terrorists in the center of the Hall.
Susan turns on the gas and it flows through the tubing.
The terrorists are surprised as smoke fills the room. They panic and shoot at the doors. PING, PING, PING.
Susan and Team Member 2 rush away from the doors as bullets come flying through. They each stand on either side of the doors.
In the Hall, a fight has broken out as the hostages fight with the terrorists.
One terrorist shoots a hostage who falls to the floor.
The fighting stops as everyone is engulfed in smoke. Many cough. Some fall to the ground.
Two terrorists grab hostages. One yells at the other terrorists.
He pushes his hostage with his gun barrel and goes through back doors at the end of the Hall. About six other terrorists grab hostages and follow their leader.
The smaller room is used as a reception suite and for conferences. The terrorists lock the door and point their guns at the hostages.
Susan and her officers storm into the main hall and shoot a dozen terrorists. PING, PING, PING, PING.
Several men try to escape but are captured.
One hostage points to the back door. They took people in there.
Susan nods. She turns to Team Member 1. Bring me sleeping gas and tubing.
The man rushes out, struggles through the high winds to the police van, and brings back four canisters.
Susan pipes the gas into the Reception suite.
Everyone in the room falls asleep.
Susan and her men run into the Reception Suite and handcuff the terrorists.
The hostages are free.
Susan looks at her officers. But where is the bomb?
Bomb discovered after a frantic search of the building, was in a basement storage closet.
RESOLUTION: Papers found in the terrorists homes showing bribes paid to art dealers and to the director of Christies. (M, reveal)
Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the director who confesses and asks for clemency.
Susan interviews (M, interrogation) the mayor who doesn’t.
The mayor is arrested.(M)
The director is given probation. (M)
The tablet goes back to the museum in Iraq. (M)
Susan and his wife attend the Christie’s auction. (M)
They clink flutes with the director.
THE END.
*** Mission Track — The hero’s mission was clear with detractors early on telling her to ignore the overheard conversation. Solving the mystery and racing to stop the bombing were on point.
*** Action Track — Opening with the Iraq war signals this will be action. No more action indicated until the 1st turning point which may or may not be action depending on how she “finds” the thief. Sideswiping at midpoint signals action, but without detail, I wasn’t sure what other action was in the first half.
*** Plenty of escalating action from the midpoint on. Nice that the storm provides parallel escalation.
*** Why do we care? Susan’t family is threatened, kidnapped, etc. Susan is clearly an underdog (being a rookie det. helps) at work. Be sure to add some addition reasons to care early on. I would imagine they would be more in details than plotting points, so I’m not worried that they won’t be there, only that they’re not obvious in the outline.
*** I didn’t understand this line:
She tells her chief about the plot and the chief says go be a real reporter.
*** Engaging Action Set Pieces: You’ve definitely demonstrated you know how to do it in the kidnapping sequence and in the UN building sequence. Escalating action, pre- and post-action indicated.
*** My own action sequences are not nearly as tight as yours. I think what I posted didn’t have all of the detail because I am also doing the Comedy class and have added some comedy scenes (actually written since it’s hard to do comedy as an outline) and the one I posted was short enough to meet the max page requirement. Did you pull from a specific Lesson number? If so, tell me which number and I’ll send you that version of my outline. I did mine in Screenwriter and exported to a PDF so it has all of the slug lines in it — they take up a lot of space.
*** Making action unique. I was surprised when Susan set off grenades inside the UN and then decided you must mean flash bangs — the loud and very bright devices thrown in before SWAT and special ops teams enter a room/building to stun/temporarily blind/temporarily deafen occupants of the structure so it’s safer to enter. I’ll assume that’s what you meant. In the military, they literally called them flash-bangs. Not sure what the police call them. — As for the places, the UN is certainly unique, using the various floors and the center open space — and the pendulum.
*** Action Emotions. I saw lots of ways/places emotion came into play so I feel confident you’ve got that.
Twists that Engage us — I saw enough of these to believe you have twists. Major plot twists were at the turning points.
*** Your action descriptions put mine to shame.
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Really appreciate your comments. And, yes, about the flash bangs, you are right. I goofed. In the sentence, go be a real reporter. I goofed again, meant detective. Email me your pdf, use kcpwriter@gmail.com. Would love to read more. Where are you located? I’m in the Atlanta area.
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To all.
Does anyone know how this exchange is to take place, practically? Do we pick? Are the critiques posted here? Only to the individual?
I would be OK with either.
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My guess is that we have the option to send the feedback privately. Then we should revise, repost (or probably revise/replace the post we’ve already done using the edit feature) and get back out there again.
I think I’d rather get the feedback privately and if I have questions/don’t understand a comment, I can ask privately too. Asking to exchange would be nice publicly just so we can see who hasn’t had feedback yet and who we haven’t exchanged with yet. Looks like a small group so far.
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I’m wondering the same.
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You can do the exchanges privately or on the forums. Do what you are comfortable with.
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Cheryl,
Do we post all exchange reviews here in the forum or do it privately?
If privately, how can we connect with the other person? (directions, please)
Thanks!
Janeen
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I sent an email to Jhoana (customer support) to give Cheryl or Hal a heads up about your question. Thanks – Brad
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Janeen’s Outline Version 2
Army Ranger Santa — Action/Comedy
LOGLINE: A former Army Ranger and his teacup poodle rescue the President’s parents and a Secret Service agent, as they escape to a safe house.
OPENING: A failed Army mission left Nick, an Army Ranger, with a PTSD assistance dog named Grizzly, a teacup poodle. Working as a Santa at the mall, his elf assistant points out the President’s parents who mall walk every morning with their beautiful Secret Service agent, IVY. Villains plan to use an FBI double agent, Agent Dasher, and foreign mercenaries to kidnap the President’s parents and force the President to pay a huge ransom and release members of a terrorist network. Then they’ll kill the parents and escape.
INCITING INCIDENT: Dasher and his men shoot Ivy and kidnap the parents (RUDY and HOLLY). Santa, aka Nick, ditches his hat, stashes little Grizzly in his “handy carrier” and knocks out the bad guys with military precision. He puts the parents on the mall cop’s Segway and sends them to a side door where he meets them after dispatching two more men and retrieving his go-bag.
FIRST TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 1
In a chase, Nick causes the bad guys to wreck their car. Dasher tells the authorities that the mall Santa is kidnapping the President’s parents and the manhunt is on.
MIDPOINT
After removing the bugs and tracking devices on the parents, Nick heads cross country. At a rest area, government agents catch up by tracking the FBI radio Nick took to monitor the feds’ pursuit. Nick has to take out Dasher and his men again. This time, Ivy, still alive, disables the bad guys’ vehicle and picks up the chase.
SECOND TURNING POINT AT END OF ACT 2
The terrorist organization’s boss sends in assassins to clean things up and finds that Ivy is on the trail of Holly and Rudy. He tells Dasher to track Ivy’s phone to find the parents. Using off-grid tactics from his wartime training, Nick uses travel by water and on foot, and a borrowed cottage to lose the bad guys who have been tailing him.
CRISIS
The villains track Ivy when she joins Nick, Holly, and Rudy at the cottage, capturing all four of them. They call the President again to reinforce their threat. He tells them they have his parents’ doubles. His real parents are with him in the White House. They decide to kill the doubles.
CLIMAX
Using items from the cottage, the parents, Ivy, and Nick escape from the bad guys and hide the parents in a new location, arming them, setting booby traps and using improvised weapons and traps to defeat the assassins. After tying the men up and using secure comm devices to notify the President that they are safe, the search is called off and the rogue FBI agent is identified. The President is shocked to learn that he was lied to about the doubles.
RESOLUTION
The terrorists defeated, Ivy, Nick, and the parents prepare to return to DC in a private jet. Ivy and Nick have become a couple and Holly and Rudy wink as though this was their plan all along.
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like this with the names added, email me, would like to read it when you finish it
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I sent you what I currently have. A few scenes were added form the Comedy class I’m taking and the scenes we did here.
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