Day 17 Assignment

[Alan Larson]

ASSIGNMENT – DAY 17

Subject: Alan’s Description

What I learned doing this assignment is…focusing on each of these individual assignments one at a time, helps you to dramatically improve your scripts. I went through every single line of description twice and deleted 219 words. While that might not seem like much, after everything else we’ve done in this class, it will make a difference.

FEEDBACK Description:

LINE: Erin wobbles. Her bar stool spins tossing her off. As she falls to the floor, her face WHACKS on the bar.

NEED: This needs to be clear that Erin’s passing out from being drugged. She falls off her swivel bar stool to the floor, smashing her face into the bar along the way, causing her lip to bleed.

[Erica Miner]

Hi Alan,

This fulfills the question “Is it necessary?” for sure. It could indeed be clearer. Maybe the previous lines are the key to making it clear she’s been drugged? Then for sake of brevity you wouldn’t need to add any other clarification in that department.

Suggestion: Erin tries to take another sip from the glass. Starts to sway. Keels over. The spinning bar stool sends her reeling. She WHACKS her face on the bar on her way down. Blood gushes from her lip.

Something like that.

Very powerful scene. Good work!

Erica

[Erica Miner]

Assignment: Day 17

Subject: Erica’s Description

What I learned doing this assignment is…in whatever I write, I always try to keep in mind Strunk & White’s exhortation that my high school English teacher drummed into us: ‘Omit Needless Words.’ This is very hard to do. But especially important in Screenwriting. What I’ve learned is: you can ALWAYS trim something down. Which brings to mind one of the first pieces of advice I received as a screenwriter: ‘CUT, CUT. Your reader has a life!’ I’m always striving to do this. Never easy. But all in all, I deleted several hundred words. I’m sure more can be done.

For feedback:

I think I was able to get all my lines of description into pretty good shape. What I need is an opinion on whether the new opening with Flashback works as it’s positioned, or whether I should go back to the original order of scenes as they were first written. If you need me to re-post those, let me know.

<font face=”inherit”>Meanwhile, I’m really looking forward to exchanging scripts!

Erica

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  Erica Miner. Reason: strange characters appeared in text