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Day 17 Assignment
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17 Replies
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Logline: Maxine has a rude awakening when she finds that everyone already knows her mother is an alcoholic in need of rehab and that lunch is an intervention for her.
Essence: Maxine finds that she deceived herself thinking she was keeping secrets.
Trait I Changed: I changed Renee from Devious to a Pious Do-Gooder. This revised her subtext to: Renee is a pious do-gooder who believes she is required to help everyone resolve their problems.
Scene:
INT. – UPSCALE RESTAURANT – DAY
A waitress wipes down a table.
RENEE, 40 with stylish clothes, looks on with disdain and
points at a few crumbs the waitress missed.
MAXINE, 40, with classic clothes, looks around to be sure no
one is seated near them.
WAITRESS
Sorry, I should have had your usual
table ready for you. Your friend
joining you?
RENEE
Yes, she should be here soon.
WAITRESS
Usual drinks?
MAXINE
(a little too quickly)
Yes.
WAITRESS
Coming right up.
Maxine and Renee get situated.
MAXINE
I hope Connie can find something
other than sweats today. Honestly,
she looks homeless half the time.
RENEE
She does, doesn’t she?
Renee leans in.
RENEE
Your brothers were here this
weekend, weren’t they?
MAXINE
Yes. We had several intervention
sessions with Mom and finally —
finally, convinced her to go to
rehab. Honestly, her drinking had
gotten so out of hand.
RENEE
I’m so sorry. That must have been
so difficult for you.
MAXINE
It was. You haven’t told anyone
about this, have you? I don’t want
Connie finding out I even suspected
my mom had a drinking problem, let
alone that she’s in rehab for it.
RENEE
I promised I wouldn’t tell, so of
course not.
MAXINE
It was so hard. She cried, my
brothers begged. It was awful.
CONNIE, 40, wearing a denim jumpsuit, sloppy loafers and her
hair haphazardly pulled into a ponytail enters the
restaurant.
RENEE
Here comes Connie. We’ll have to
talk later. Oh lord, she’s wearing
that awful denim jump suit again.
Try to ignore it.
MAXINE
As if that’s possible.
RENEE
Connie, have a seat!
Connie sits. She meets the eyes of Renee and Maxine in turn,
then speaks.
CONNIE
What have you two been talking
about so earnestly. I’m not
interrupting, am I?
RENEE
Nothing.
Maxine gives Renee and warning look, then answers.
MAXINE
Nothing at all.
Connie looks from one to the other.
CONNIE
Oh, that.
Renee shakes her head slightly to Connie and Maxine stiffens,
looking from Renee to Connie in a combination of fear and
anger.
MAXINE
What do you mean, “oh, that”?
Connie looks to Renee for guidance, but it’s obvious she
knows what they must have been talking about.
Maxine puffs up in indignation.
Renee looks guilty and uncomfortable, but reaches for
Maxine’s hand in a soothing gesture.
RENEE
We honestly didn’t know for sure
whether it was you or your mother
that had the alcohol problem.
CONNIE
I do the bookwork for the liquor
store so I saw payments from you or
your mom nearly every day.
Renee pats Maxine’s hand and she pulls it away.
MAXINE
You told her about my mom’s
drinking problem?
Renee shakes her head, nods, shakes it again, gives up and Maxine
seethes.
CONNIE
It’s easy to tell from the receipts
when there’s a problem in a
household. We saw the cars at your
place over the weekend and
wondered. When you came in this
morning for your usual, well –
Connie trails off.
RENEE
I was actually relieved when you
said the intervention was for your
mom. My mom had hinted at it a
while ago, but she said she wasn’t
sure if it was you or your mom.
MAXINE
So you’ve been comparing notes all
along? You said you didn’t tell
anyone.
RENEE
I didn’t. My mom and Connie both
talked to me about it — separately
— because they know we’re good
friends. We are good friends,
Maxine. That’s why we’re here.
CONNIE
I only see the store receipts, not
what was purchased, of course, but
from the amount, I thought it was
enough for two or enough to kill
just one of you.
MAXINE
Did it ever occur to you that my
mom had expensive taste?
Connie is taken aback.
CONNIE
I didn’t mean to offend.
RENEE
We’re your friends, Maxine, not
enemies. Relax.
The waitress brings their drinks.
WAITRESS
One malt liquor. We keep this
behind for bar just for you.
She sets a drink in front of Maxine. Connie and Renee
exchange a look and Maxine sees it and becomes more rigid.
WAITRESS
And white wines for both of you.
Ready to order?
RENEE
Not yet. Give us a few minutes.
The waitress leaves.
MAXINE
I suppose now you think I have a
problem too because I like a
quality scotch now and then.
Renee and Connie exchange a long look and both steel
themselves.
MAXINE
I suppose you like dragging
people’s reputations through the
mud.
RENEE
No one’s dragging your mother’s
reputation anywhere. We’re glad
she’s getting help. She obviously
needed it.
Renee and Connie exchange another glance.
MAXINE
What now? What else are you
saying?
RENEE
We’re saying it might be a good
time for you to join your mother.
I’ll housesit for you.
Maxine looks horrified.
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Janeen, I like this setting and characters. It seems to establish a feeling of comfort and friendship, wherein Maxine is made to feel slightly uncomfortable. This is just enough to manifest her slight paranoia, and Renee makes it a true revelation of the secret going around of her mother’s drinking problem. It’s like a betrayal…. What I suggest is that Maxine pays Connie the insult about her clothing at the end!
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Hi Janeen,
Good setup and I got the Pious do-gooder trait. That came through. I didn’t get the sense of the paranoia though. All in all good scene can’t wait to see what you do next with it.
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INT. DENNY’S RESTAURANT, ALABAMA – DAY
Logline: RENEE (30) has a coffee date with MAXINE (28) to discuss Renee’s wedding and her desire for Maxine to be her bride’s maid. Unfortunately, Maxine has a secret that once revealed usurps all of Renee’s plans.
Essence: The best-laid plans can always be upended.
MAXINE, an attractive woman in her late twenties, approaches RENEE, an attractive thirty-year-old, sitting at a booth at a Denny’s. Both seem distracted and not 100% present in the moment. Both women speak with a mild southern accent.
After exchanging a ‘hello’ embrace Maxine settles into the booth, sitting across from Renee.
MAXINE: You look great!
RENEE: You too, honey! So good to see you!
MAXINE: I do wish you would have told me you wanted to meet at Denny’s. There’s this great new coffee shop we could have tried with fantastic expressos! I hope none of my friends see me here!
RENEE: I’m sure you’re OK! I’m probably on the lowest rung of your circle, right?
Maxine frowns.
MAXINE: I don’t know about that! That sorta hurts, honey. I mean, we’ve known each other for how long now?
RENEE: Oh, too long to count! High School at least.
Maxine’s cell phone RINGS.
MAXINE: Hang on.
She looks at her cell phone, notices it says: ‘INCOMING: JERRY’
Maxine declines the call.
MAXINE: Potential Spam!
RENEE: I hate that.
Renee retrieves a compact from her purse and touches herself up.
RENEE: Gotta look good for the waiter!
The waiter, a YOUNG MAN in his mid-twenties, approaches.
WAITER: What can I get you?
RENEE: Just coffee for me.
MAXINE: Me too.
WAITER: Easy enough! Be right back.
The two women’s eyes follow the young man.
RENEE: Well he’s sure got a nice attitude.
MAXINE: Yeah, very nice!
They look at each other and LAUGH.
RENEE: Well, I ah, volunteered to be head up the church’s latest fundraising effort.
MAXINE: Yeah?
RENEE: Jewelry for Jesus. People turn in their most expensive jewelry, we sell it, and the proceeds go to poor families in Africa.
MAXINE: Well that’s nice! The Lord will definitely be happy about that!
RENEE: Between you and me, I’m running the whole operation, and taking a commission.
Renee reaches into her purse and retrieves a set of pearls. She shows the pearls to Maxine.
RENEE: Now look at these… try ‘em on!
Maxine is hesitant.
RENEE: Go ahead, try ‘em on.
Maxine puts on the pearls. Renee hands her the compact from her purse.
RENEE: Now you look just great in those!
MAXINE examines herself in the compact mirror, then looks at the pearls.
MAXINE: They’re fake, honey.
RENEE: They’re not fake!
MAXINE: Believe me, honey, I know. My Daddy’s a jeweler, remember?
She hands the fake pearls back to Renee.
MAXINE: No commission on that one.
RENEE: Yeah, well I deserve a commission. It’s a lot of work raising money! I’m mean isn’t my time worth anything?
Maxine nods ‘yes’.
MAXINE: Sure.
RENEE: But that’s not why I wanted to meet with you, honey. I’ve got an announcement.
MAXINE: You’re pregnant?
RENEE: No, silly! I don’t mess around with Jerry! We’re getting married!
MAXINE: Wow! That’s just wonderful! What’s the date?
RENEE: June, of course. Like everybody else…. a nice June wedding.
MAXINE: And the venue?
RENEE: Church, of course.
MAXINE: I would never get married at your church, I’m sorry to say, honey. It’s just too…. You know… the parish is a little cheap about the upkeep. You should change the venue.
RENEE: Oh, it’s OK. You know, everybody gets married there. But you are making me think I shouldn’t ask you what I wanted to ask you.
Maxine’s cell phone RINGS again: ‘INCOMING: JERRY”
She declines the call.
Maxine: I gotta turn this damn thing off, sorry.
She turns the phone off.
MAXINE: You were saying?
RENEE: About being my Bridesmaid…
MAXINE: Oh, honey, that is so sweet of you! But I can’t accept.
RENEE: Why?
MAXINE: I’m not the right type for you. I don’t go to your church. I hang around with a bunch of people who all they think about is the next level of Mercedes Benz they’re gonna get. Your people are so much more civic-minded!
Just then the waiter returns with coffee and sets the two mugs down.
WAITER: Here you go, ladies.
RENEE (to the waiter); Will you tell her she’s gotta be my bridesmaid?
WAITER (to Maxine): You have to be her Bridesmaid.
Beat, then he remarks to Maxine:
WAITER: How’s Jerry doin’?
Maxine turns scarlet in embarrassment.
MAXINE: What y’all talking about?
WAITER: Jerry, you know… the guy you hang out with here in the wee hours.
RENEE (to Maxine): Which Jerry is that?
The Waiter, seeing the uncomfortable situation, backs off.
RENEE (stares at Maxine): Which Jerry is that?
MAXINE: Oh… some Jerry… I don’t know!
Maxine stares at her, then grabs her purse, lays down a five-dollar bill, and gets up.
MAXINE: I gotta go!
Maxine walks toward the exit for the restaurant. Renee follows her.
RENEE: You tell me which goddamn Jerry it is or I’m taking back my Bridesmaid offer!
MAXINE: I told you I don’t wanna be your goddamn Bridesmaid!
EXT. DENNY’S – SAME TIME
Maxine walks toward her car. Renee follows her.
RENEE: You mean it’s my Jerry?
Maxine turns around and confronts her.
MAXINE: Yes! Everybody knows that I’ve been seeing Jerry – except you!
RENEE: You bitch! You’ve ruined everything!
Maxine opens her car door and gets in her car, rolling down her window.
MAXINE: It ain’t my fault you can’t make him happy in bed! I mean you might loosen up your morals a little in this day and age! He’s just marrying you to please his parents. Cuz his Daddy is so ‘buddy buddy’ with your Daddy and Jerry is going to take over the business and all. Everybody knows that.
Renee is flabbergasted.
Maxine backs the car up and waves to Renee.
MAXINE: Bye, honey! Sorry for the bad news! Consider it payback for all the times you got the perfect guy for the dance in High School!
Renee is left standing alone in the parking lot. Her eyes well up with tears.
RENEE: I’m still gonna marry the bastard! You ain’t heard the last from
me yet!END OF SCENE
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Hello Don!
Very nice work, I like the setting and story concept. I think that the situational challenges grow for our protagonist and build up into the discomfort of the final revelation that they are sharing Jerry. Renee is certainly wounded at the end and audience sympathy doesn’t lie with Maxine who has experienced embarrassment. It seems like a total surprise that Max has betrayed the pious trusting Renee. On the other hand, the mystery remains as to why Renee would still want to marry Jerry, perhaps she plotted against his new girlfriend. I think a cup of coffee in the face might slightly improve the writer’s intention. Have fun!
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ASSIGNMENT 17
Logline: House mates Renee and Maxine argue over who is making more noises during the night. Maxine reveals a secret that Renee’s daughter Annie has an different father that isn’t her boyfriend. The landlady settles this by forcing one of them out.
Essence: Maxine not keeping the secret is what begins the arguing.
RENEE
Trait I changed is; – Conformist
Changes to – Liberal
MAXINE
Trait I changed; – Paranoid
Changes to – Manic Depressive
Scene:
INT HOME THAT IS RENTED BY SEVERAL WOMEN, ONE HAS A CHILD.
The women are Renee and her young child, a toddler Anne-Marie. Maxine who is crazy and the owner who’s name is Carrie.
Renee opens the door and comes out of her room in the ranch house. She is bright and wearing a dress, her neat child sits in the room playing. Another room mate Maxine, is coming into the living room to sit on the sofa. She is dressed in her sloppy shirt, and has neglected hair and a frown.
RENEE
Hi, Maxine. I haven’t seen you, how are you? I was just doing some cleaning in the house.
MAXINE
Hi Renee. How’s Annie?
RENEE
Annie’s fantastic. You know you can clean the kitchen, if you want.
MAXINE
No, I don’t clean. Did I hear you say you’re going to the 7/11 store? I need some beer.
RENEE
I’ll pick you up a couple of cans. Maxine, you shouldn’t be drinking beer all day long. What’s wrong?
MAXINE
I’m still on unemployment. My Dad’s like going to kill me. You had over someone didn’t you? A boyfriend?
RENEE
Afraid of your Dad? My baby’s not afraid of her Daddy. That was my boyfriend over. Don’t tell her, but we never married- see, that’s not her Dad.
MAXINE
What?
RENEE
Just don’t tell her but I‘m not marrying her Daddy.
MAXINE
Okay. Is that what you were making all that noise for, the night he slept here?
RENEE
Noise? No, we didn’t. You were blasting weird music all night and we couldn’t sleep.
MAXINE
Really? It was soothing. All I could do was hear your um- your- noise.
RENEE
It’s none of your business. We do whatever we want.
(Enter) Anne-Marie. She is playful and wearing a diaper.
MAXINE
Hi, Anne-Marie. Do you want to play?
Renee’s telephone rings.
RENEE
Excuse me a moment. I have got a call.
She steps into her room, and answer the phone.
MAXINE
So, Anne-Marie. You are so cute! What do you want to play?
ANNE-MARIE
Let’s play dolls! Here you take this girl…
Maxine holds a doll playfully.
MAXINE
Did Mom’s boyfriend say he’s going to stay here with you? Do you like him?
Anne-Marie laughs and bounces up and down repeatedly on the sofa.
MAXINE
So, where’s your daddy stay? Hmm?
Anne-Marie starts crying.
Hmm? Don’t be sad! I’m sure you’re Dad isn’t mad at you but he won’t marry Mom.
ANNE-MARIE
No! Mom!
RENEE
Anne-Marie, what’s wrong?
ANNE-MARIE
Dad’s mad at me!
RENEE
What? No, that’s not true.
MAXINE
I told her that your F**k buddy wasn’t her Dad…! I did, just now. Kids should know the truth… okay, Anne-Marie, are you alright?
RENEE
How could you! I just had my boyfriend on the phone, he’s coming over. He’ll stay as often as he wants.
MAXINE
I guess I just won’t be able to sleep at night.
Enter landlady.
CARRIE
Hello ladies! Hello Anne-Marie. What is all this noise about?
MAXINE
I’m depressed. I can’t sleep because Renee isn’t married.
CARRIE
Maxine, your loud music kept me awake last night. If you want to play music that loud I’ll have to ask you to leave.
MAXINE
Loud? No, that wasn’t. What’s loud was her bumpin’ in the night, that’s what! Didn’t you hear it?
RENEE
Bumpin’! How dare you! That’s my daughter. She is perfectly comfortable with my boyfriend there.
MAXINE
Okay, well- I had to pump up the jam to cover up the sound of you two…!
CARRIE
No, Maxine- you’re annoying. You haven’t cleaned the bathroom, emptied the kitchen trash can, or washed the dishes in I can’t remember when because I do it for you! You’re a lazy drunk and I want you out.
MAXINE
I’m not leaving.
CARRIE
I’m sorry but you have to or I’ll call the police to settle this argument.
MAXINE
Fine!
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JOSEPH’S QE #4
LOGLINE: Rene invades Maxine’s covert world to set a trap
ESSENCE: Renee enjoys employing her talents, but discovers
even she has limits
TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine’s Emotionally wounded to Hardened,
Teflon demeanor
INT. MAXINE’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Ongoing house party, servers entering/exiting the kitchen
with food platters.
Carrying a weighted, flowery tote bag, matronly, MAXINE,
descends a back staircase into the stainless steel space to
find, RENEE, vigorously wiping the dust off of her
fashionable loafers with a wet paper towel.
MAXINE
Do you have an invitation to be
here?
RENEE
Ms. Maxine, finally, I was so
hoping to have a private moment
with you here today, in the midst
of all this excitement.
MAXINE
Your Invitation?
RENEE
I was a last minute replacement for
my mother, who couldn’t make it
because of this flu thing. She does
send her apologies, though.
MAXINE
What’s her name?
RENEE
Emily Johnson.
Maxine’s expression momentarily startled by the answer.
MAXINE
Of course. You couldn’t be Rachel,
could you?
RENEE
Her younger sister, Renee.
MAXINE
Why didn’t Rachel come?
RENEE
You know how it is. The youngest
always gets what they want.
Besides, we told her it was an
LGBTQ meeting.
MAXINE
(relieved)
I guess she didn’t remember I have
no soft spot for special interests.
(with a hand wave)
By the way, we don’t do our
cleaning in the kitchen. Please use
the bathroom down the hallway.
RENEE
I also knew your daughter from the
high school Booster Club. I was the
president.
An “I don’t really care” shrug, Maxine’s eyes say she’s still
more focused on the sink washing.
RENEE (CONT’D)
It’s a utility sink, ma’am. I know
my way around a set-up like this
from my job as a full-time nanny,
and would never violate a food
space.
MAXINE
I’m convinced that every child
should have a Nanny. Enough of all
this parental coddling and
attachment. Anyway, I actually have
more important things to worry
about at the moment.
RENEE
Perhaps I can make amends for
upsetting you about my
fastidiousness. I’m quite
resourceful.
MAXINE
As a matter of fact, I am in need
of a clever girl, such as yourself.
RENEE
I’m nineteen. Basically a woman.
2.
MAXINE
It’s for the rest of us to make
that judgment. Ok, then, please
take this bag and its contents out
through the service door to the
back path and follow it until you
can no longer see the house.
RENEE
The bag looks stained.
MAXINE
It’s been kept in the freezer, so
that the contents wouldn’t spoil.
RENEE
Is it some kind of meat? It smells
like a deer. Ewe, I hate venison.
MAXINE
Good God, no, it’s not deer meat.
My husband wouldn’t consider any
game sport except a good fox hunt.
RENEE
Well it smells spoiled. I know
spoiled. This sounds like it’ll
take a lot of effort. Is there pay
involved?
MAXINE
If you insist. How does fifty
dollars sound?
RENEE
Make it one hundred, and you won’t
have to worry about a thing.
Maxine hands her the bag, which Renee keeps at arms length.
MAXINE
When you’re out of sight, dig a
hole and bury the entire contents.
Don’t even look inside. Abort the
mission if there’s even a suspicion
of anyone seeing you.
RENEE
There isn’t another house for
miles. I doubt a S.W.A.T. Team is
going to swoop down on us.
3.
MAXINE
Just don’t speak with anyone about
this. Can I have your word?
RENEE
I do what I’m told, whenever I’m
assigned a job. Without deviating
from the instructions. My motto is:
no room for creativity.
MAXINE
Remind me not to invite you to my
next museum council meeting. Or my
empowered women’s group. We don’t
allow another’s burden to affect
our choices.
RENEE
Boy, I hope if anything serious
happens to me while I’m young, that
I’m not as bitter and cynical about
life when I get to be as old as you
are.
MAXINE
And I hope, for your sake, that you
never get yourself pregnant, and
ruin that gorgeous size four body
of yours.
Renee holds her tongue, clearly picking her battles.
RENEE
You’ll have my word on secrecy.
MAXINE
And I’ll never mention we spoke a
word about any of this today.
RENEE
So hush-hush. I love it. Maybe we
can do business again someday.
MAXINE
Oh, let me be clear, this means
we’re connected for life. Or, you
could change your mind and back out
now. But that means I’ll have to
tell everyone I caught you looking
through my study desk.
Renee’s slowly out the door, where Maxine’s eyes follow her
out of sight.
4.
EXT. WOODED AREA – SAME
Renee’s on her cell.
RENEE
(into cell)
It’s Christine, I’m about a quarter
mile behind the house. On a dusty
path- that will mean I’ll have to
clean my shoes for a third time
today. Will the police department
reimburse me for my wardrobe?
Renee swipes at some clinging spider webs in her hair.
RENEE (CONT’D)
(into cell)
Could you hurry. She’s bound to
figure out Rachel Johnson doesn’t
have a sister, and is probably
following me out here. And I’m
thinking Maxine has left her own
daughter alone upstairs in that
house, where she’s been for five
months, supposedly ill.
Renee simultaneously opens the bag and clumsily drops a cloth
wrapped object which rolls out onto the ground- Where a
lifeless, bloodied fetus is revealed.
After Renee’s temporary disgust meltdown-
RENEE (CONT’D)
(into cell)
I changed my mind about the bonus
and promotion. In fact, take my
name off of any record of this. Or
I give Maxine, and her dangerous
crowd, your home address.
INT. MAXINE’S HOUSE – SAME
Maxine responds to the front doorbell pipe chimes, opens, and
is greeted by a contingent of police officers and
plainclothes detectives.
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Lesson 17: Monica’s QE Cycle #4: Write this Scene
LOGLINE: An up and coming all-female law firm is targeted by other firms to steal all their clients.
ESSENCE: Jealousy and envy
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee’s conformist to revolutionary
SITUATION: One person promises the other that they kept the secret, but really didn’t.
SCENE ARC: From: The promise confirmed to: the other person discovering the secret is out.
RENEE
Traits
– Prissy
– Devious
– Outgoing
– Conformist – changed to revolutionary
Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky
– Snobbish
– Paranoid
– Emotionally Wounded
Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
SCENE:
INT. FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANT – NIGHT
RENEE, 40s, very well dressed in a Chanel suit, Rolex, diamond necklace, perfect hair and make-up, sits at a table situated on the balcony which overlooks the main floor of a fancy French restaurant. She sips a martini while observing the diners below. A few people below wave up at her. She acknowledges them with a nod of her head.
MAXINE, late-30’s, equally well-turned out is escorted to Renee’s table by one of the WAITER’S. She’s slightly out of breath as she takes her seat opposite Renee.
MAXINE
(to Waiter)
I’ll have whatever she’s having.
WAITER
Very good Madame.
The Waiter looks at Renee. She nods her head. He turns and walks away.
Maxine looks over the diners below. Turns around and looks over her shoulder at the other diners on the balcony level. Crosses her legs and one jumps to some invisible tune in her head.
RENEE
What’s the matter?
MAXINE
I have news. And I don’t want to be overheard.
RENEE
You need to take a few deep breaths or people are going to think something’s wrong with you.
MAXINE
Something is wrong.
Maxine stops talking as the Waiter returns with two martinis.
RENEE
I’m waiting.
MAXINE
It’s about the firm.
Maxine gulps the martini down in one gulp. Renee rolls her eyes. Maxine leans across the table and in a low voice…
MAXINE
(shudders)
I have discovered who’s stealing all our clients and why.
RENEE
And did you do as I asked to discover this information?
MAXINE
(hisses)
YES! I prostituted myself with Barry Finch.
(beat)
Do you know he smells of garlic and he has a micro-penis.
RENEE
If you’re going to make it in this business, you’re going to have to do some unpleasant things. Like sleeping with Barry Finch.
MAXINE
I suppose. After all, I haven’t really gotten over my break up with Mark.
RENEE
See. Have a little fun, even if it is Barry Finch.
MAXINE
(nods)
It’s not his firm. Even though he’s a chauvinist pig.
RENEE
So who would you rather sleep with?MAXINE
I slept with Roderick Fox. He’s our guy.
RENEE
What?! I specifically told you he was off-limits.MAXINE
(shrugs)
Why? So you could do him? Now that’s a cock. Besides he told me things about you that I didn’t even know.
(beat)
You should have started a brothel, not a law firm.
RENEE
How do you think I got the money to go to law school and start the firm?
(beat)
I’m surprised Finch’s hasn’t fallen off he was there so often.
MAXINE
You were a prostitute?
RENEE
Keep your voice down. Of course not, I was the Madame. I took care of my girls. Health care, birth control, and only impeccable clients.MAXINE
But Barry Finch?!
RENEE
Made him take a bath every time he showed up. Gargle with Scope. But I did service Roderick Fox.Renee gets a far-away look in her eye.
RENEE
I think we’re going to have to break in to his firm.
MAXINE
What?!
RENEE
Since you enjoyed him so much, I’ll do the B&E while you keep him occupied. Now what do you want to eat?
MAXINE
Oh-oh.
RENEE
What?
RODERICK FOX, late-40s, well-dressed, handsome with lots of salt and pepper hair strolls up to their table. He pulls up a chair and sits down.
RODERICK
You two aren’t comparing notes on me are you?
RENEE
We’d not engage in anything so crass.
RODERICK
That’s rich coming from you. So how’s business. I hear you’re losing clients. Which is a shame really. You had a good concept with an all-female law firm. But the rich and powerful are usually men and they like men representing them for any legal issues.
RENEE
The rich and powerful used to be all men. Women are taking over the world or did you miss that?
Maxine runs her finger over Roderick’s suit sleeve.
MAXINE
Is this cashmere?
RODERICK
I believe so. Only the best you know.
MAXINE
Just so. So what are you doing later?
RODERICK
Are you offering me a three-some?
RENEE
Only in your wet-dreams. I don’t do that anymore. I’m too exhausted working to romp between the sheets with you. But Maxine, she’s game.MAXINE
I am.
RODERICK
Let me buy you ladies dinner. Then you…
(turns to Renee)
Can go back to the office.
(turns to Maxine)
And you and I can retire to my penthouse.
MAXINE
Sounds like a plan.
The Waiter stops by again. Roderick shrugs out of his suit jacket. Keys can be heard rattling in the pockets. He hands it to the Waiter.
RODERICK
If you could hang this up for me.
WAITER
Yes sir.
RODERICK
And we should be ready to order when you return.
RENEE
If you excuse me for a moment, I’ll just use the ladies.
Renee gets up. She follows the Waiter. When she’s out of view of the table…
RENEE
Excuse me. Here’s a thousand dollars to let me rifle through his pockets.
WAITER
I don’t know Madame. I could lose my job.
Renee takes him by the arm and steers him to the cloak room. She takes the jacket from him, grabs a hanger, takes off the tag and gives it to the Waiter. Just before she hangs the suit jacket up so goes through the pockets.
Finds some keys. Looks at each one. Takes the one that looks like an office key. Does more searching and finds the fob to his firm’s building.
Drops them in her purse. She hands the Waiter several one hundred bills.
RENEE
You saw nothing.
WAITER
(as he pockets the money)
I saw nothing.
RENEE
Now be a good man and return to the table. I’ll be right back to order.
WAITER
Yes, Madame. -
Rebecca’s Lesson 17
LONGLINE: Maxine loses her job at the post office when someone fingers her father as being a communist, she turns to Renee her longtime childhood friend.
ESSENCE: Maxine suspicions Renee for outing her father.
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: snobbish to aloof
SCENE:
EXT. PARK – AFTERNOON
It is 1950 and MAXINE ( age 20 ) walks a path in Riverside Park, tearful as she shares the loss of her job with RENEE ( age 20), her best friend, who pretends to offer a sympathetic ear. Maxine wears rolled up jeans and a fresh pressed white long sleeved man’s shirt. Renee’s face looks professionally made up, her outfit casual black slacks with twin sweater and cardigan.
MAXINE
Last week, the post master complimented my work but today he fired me. I don’t understand.
Maxine dubs her watery eyes.
RENEE
It could be how you dress.
Renee smooths wrinkles from her trousers and fluffs her hair.
MAXINE
What’s wrong with how I dress?
RENEE
You would look better in makeup and if you dressed a bit more trendy.
MAXINE
My clothes are clean and I press my outfits before going to work.
She stands tall and proud.
MAXINE (CONT.)
Jeans are perfect for a walk in the park just like my walking shoes. Tears don’t leave dark mascara streaks on my cheeks. The boss didn’t let me go because of my dress or my work ethic.
Renee toddles along in heels and points to a bench.
RENEE
Let’s sit. My tootsies are killing me.
The girls sit on the bench. Renee removes a shoe and rubs her foot.
MAXINE
I don’t know how you can walk in those things let alone wear them all day.
RENEE
It takes talent. Besides, the dress department demands that we wear them.
MAXINE
Dress department? I thought you were in make-up.
Renee rubs her other foot.
RENEE
They switched me last week. I’m not liking it
much. What are you going to do now? I can put a word in with my boss to get you hired on.
Maxine shakes her head.
MAXINE
I liked my job at the post office. My boss said not to bother applying for another government job. He said they all require signing a loyalty oath.
RENEE
Really? I wonder why that is?
MAXINE
New government policy. I worked hard to get that job. My goal was to learn all I could so I could move up to post mistress when my boss retires in two years. I’m already more competent than he is and much smarter.
RENEE
I’d like a job where I could charm the public and flirt with the cute men. You don’t have to push people into buying stamps like I do dresses? I hate sales.
MAXINE
Why don’t you go to secretarial or business school like I did. Learn short hand and typing, be a secretary to some rich lawyer. Secretaries always dress up and wear heels, but they get to sit a lot too.
Maxine stretches out her long legs and looks up at the sky. Renee looks thoughtful.
RENEE
I don’t think that would work. I hated typing in high school. I might like to work at a post office. It’s steady work.
Maxine eyes her friend with suspicion.
MAXINE
You’d have to wear the same uniform as everyone else.
RENEE
I could dress it up. Undo the top buttons.
Renee sits up tall and pokes out her breasts and giggles. Maxine smiles.
MAXINE
You’ve not changed much. Do you remember when we met at the hidden valley on our farm. We yodeled at each other and finally met in the valley. Neither of our families had much, mine a little better off than yours. We had a hand pump from the spring. You had to carry your water uphill.
RENEE
It took thirty-two buckets to fill our washer and do the laundry.
Renee flexes her biceps.
RENEE
I still got them. I remember you helping me and my sister carry water so we could visit.
MAXINE
And when I mowed the lawn you would walk beside me. How many times we’d walk to town together? I remember you spending many a night at my house to avoid your father.
RENEE
Your parents always treated me nice. Your father would pay us both to pull weeds to buy ride tickets for the school picnic.
MAXINE
They let me to share my graduation party with you. Gosh, we were close back then, like sisters.
Renee squints sidewise at Maxine.
RENEE
I always felt jealous. You had the parents I always wished I had. They were so good to me, included me in their trips to the camp up river. What fun we had.
MAXINE
You were my first and only friend back then. When our family was in hiding, I would go to school but afraid to talk to anyone. Afterwards, I walked home by myself instead of taking the bus, afraid the kids would ask questions I couldn’t answer. You accepted me as I was. When it was safe to come out of hiding, we moved from down over the hill to up by the main road. I always appreciated you keeping our secret for so many years.
Renee’s expression changes to something more serious.
RENEE
I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your parents.
MAXINE
I know that. But, you learned our family secret. You swore you would never tell and hurt my family. My father and brother could have been killed if the party found us. It wasn’t until after Stalin died and we could come out of hiding. I asked you again to swear not to tell. You promised. When you asked the same of me, not to tell how your father abused you. I swore and never told.
Renee crosses her arms across her chest and looks down at her feet.
RENEE
I knew I could trust you with my secret.
MAXINE
My parents let you live with us for a time after your father molested you, treated you like family.
Tears flow from Renee’s eyes at the memory.
RENEE
I love your parents, Maxine, more than I ever did my own.
Maxine’s eyes water again. She fights for control of her emotions.
MAXINE
You were the only one who knew about my father once being a communist. Last night the FBI him in for questioning, they arrested my brother for signing a loyalty oath. Why Renee?
Renee shudders her voice soft through her tears.
RENEE
I only implied that you had Red connection to get you fired so I could apply for your job. I never meant to hurt your family.
Maxine’s body stiffens as she struggles to fight off the impulse to deck Renee.
MAXINE
It really was YOU? You broke your promise to have my job?
RENEE
Yes. I knew you could find a better one. You always end up the better one.
MAXINE
I lived in fear every day that my father and brother would be killed. We gave up our life in New Jersey and all we owned to hide on the old farm. I was afraid to get close to anyone. My father and brother worked hard. My brother only signed a loyalty oath to keep working on the Air Force base. He not only lost his job but got arrested for espionage. He was never a Communist and neither am I. We can’t help who our father once was. It’s not fair.
RENEE
Will you tell my secret? Daddy’s dead. It would kill my mother if she knew. My younger brothers and sisters need her.
Maxine grabs Renee’s shoulders and shakes her with fury. She lets go, hugs her, and then pushes away.
MAXINE
No, I would never do that to your mother. I always avoided people because I never wanted to hurt my family, betray them. But, I did betray them when I trusted you.
RENEE
(Crying)
I’m sorry Maxine, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Please.
Maxine looks at her with pity.
MAXINE
Enjoy your job at the post office. You secret is safe with me but we are no longer friends. Friends don’t betray friends.
RENEE
You can tell my recent secret.
MAXINE
About your affair with Mr. Pickens your boss? He and his wife have three children.
RENEE
Teenagers, one in college and two in high school. I give you permission to tell. I’m quitting at the department store anyway.
Maxine studies her with suspicion. Renee squirms and buries her head in her hands.
MAXINE
No, I don’t need revenge, fate will handle that. Why disturb his wife and kids.
RENEE
I’m pregnant with his baby.
-
LOGLINE: THE PRINCIPAL LOSES HER JOB AT THE CATHOLIC SCHOOL WHEN IT’S DISCOVERED SHE’S A SHOPLIFTER
Essence: Vengeance has its paybacks.
INT. ST. ALBERT SCHOOL – TEACHERS’ LOUNGE – DAY
RENEE (50s), dressed more for a modeling agency than a Catholic school, heats up her lunch. MAXINE (30s), plain and simple, enters with her lunch bag. Renee arches her eyebrows.
RENEE
Maxine. I…
MAXINE
Father Horace said it was okay.
RENEE
But I’m the principal.
MAXINE
I thought what I told you was in confidence.
The microwave beeps. Renee touches her dish but flinches. She finds a towel and grabs the steaming entre from the microwave.
RENEE
This is a Catholic school. We have standards.
Maxine reaches for the microwave, but Renee blocks her way. It’s as if they’re playing basketball and Renee is keeping Maxine away from the hoop.
MAXINE
Father has been helping me. I see a therapist, too. If I was in a public school it’d…
RENEE
This isn’t a public school. I take my role as principal very seriously and we can’t have teachers who were, who were…
MAXINE
Say it, Renee. Say it loud for the world to hear because the entire school knows. Everyone avoids me as if I have Covid.
RENEE
You need to leave now before I call security.
On cue, SECURITY enters along with FATHER HORACE.
FATHER HORACE
Welcome back, Maxine.
MAXINE
It feels good to be back, Father.
RENEE
What the devil is going on? I make the hiring and firing decisions around here.
FATHER HORACE
Do you? Nice outfit, Renee.
She steps back.
RENEE
How does that have to do with anything?
FATHER HORACE
Where you get the earrings, Renee?
Father points at Renee’s ears.
Renee grabs her ears.
RENEE
At the store, where else?
FATHER HORACE
How much did you pay for them?
RENEE
I didn’t think I needed a receipt!
FATHER HORACE
I got an anonymous tip that you help yourself to things that don’t belong to you.
Renee laughs.
RENEE
Father, really! I’m a principal of the Catholic school. What type of role model would that be for my students? We should be focusing on Maxine.
FATHER HORACE
That’s the seventh commandment – stealing. And the eighth is all about spreading gossip about your neighbor.
RENEE
I was only trying to protect the school.
FATHER HORACE
By besmirching Maxine? Pack up your stuff. Oh, wait, pack up the stuff you’ve probably stolen.
Maxine watches.
RENEE
I’m calling my lawyer.
FATHER HORACE
You’ll need one when the detective gets a hold of you.
Renee looks at Maxine as she leaves the break room.
RENEE
Welcome back to St. Alberts.
Renee, Father, and the Security Guard leave.
MAXINE
It’ll be so much better without you, Renee.
-
Logline: Maxine wants to bribe Renee in order to keep her quiet about her affair, but Renee wants more than Maxine is willing to give.
Essence: Juicy secrets are hard to keep.
Trait I changed: I left out Renee’s conformity. I will replace it in the rewrite.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Two very attractive and well-put together women in their 40’s sit having tea in front of a big picture window with a beautiful view. They are MAXINE and RENEE.
MAX –
Renee, I was delighted with your speech at the women’s auxiliary club last weekend. You would make an excellent emcee for the fashion show on Saturday.
REN –
Oh that’s so kind of you to say, Maxine! I do love giving speeches and I suppose I always had a tiny craving for the limelight. But aren’t you the emcee for the fashion show?
MAX –
More tea? (she pours) I’ll be blunt. I’m getting a little bored of it. Perhaps it’s time to pass the baton. (holds out a plate) Butter cookies? It’s a plum position, emcee of the fashion show. I’ve held it for years. People say no one is better with off-the-cuff fashion quips, you know that’s what they say.
REN –
Oh I can talk to anybody anywhere. Did you know that one afternoon I met the entire Ladies Iron and Wedge Club at Helmsted Golf Emporium over on route 8. Do you know it?
MAX –
(makes a face) Hardly. You don’t really go there do you?
REN –
(embarrassed) ‘Course not! Can you believe I got a flat tire just outside the place and asked for a cold iced tea which they did have and I got introduced to everyone! While sipping a delicious iced tea!
Maxine smiles weakly.
MAX –
Shall I email the details later today?
REN –
That’s not all I want.
MAX –
(caught off guard)
Pardon?
REN –
(places the delicate tea cup on the table, leans toward Maxine and whispers)
Our little secret, remember?
Maxine looks around for someone listening, but the room has always been empty.
REN –
Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. For now.
MAX-
I’ll be ruined. My children’s lives will be ruined. The club will – oh, I can’t even think about it. And the house. What will happen to the house?
REN –
The thing is. I hate bugs. I hate dirt. I hate plants. Yet someone saw fit to put me on the grounds committee.
MAX –
I never would have. If he hadn’t cheated on me first!
(breaks into tears)
I hate him. How could he?
REN – The thing is, I see myself more on the Christmas committee. Even co-chair of the holiday party this year. What do you think?
MAX – I co-chair the holiday party with my sister. One of us would have to step aside. I can’t do that!
Through the window Renee sees someone from afar walking towards them carrying a golf club. Her eyes grow big.
REN –
You know Germaine, the cashier in the pro shop?
MAX –
The one with no makeup, always has the tiny golf pencils behind her ears? Yuck. What about her.
REN –
We got to talking and your young hunk Lars walks in and it must have slipped out about seeing you and him in the pool house because I started talking about the lack of towels in there and I turned to Lars and said, remember when I found you and Maxine in the pool house half-naked? Because I walked in looking for towels and there weren’t any?
Renee stares at the window causing Maxine to turn and look. She sees STUART, her husband outside in front of the picture window the golf club in his hand.
STUART
(shouts through the glass)
You cheated on me with the fucking golf pro?Maxine stares at her husband, aghast.
Renee picks up her teacup and sips to cover her smirk, her pinky finger in the air.
RENEE
Course, I can always say I was with you and Lars the whole time and we were all half naked with our swimsuits on. It’s a simple misunderstanding. All you have to do is make me co-chair of the holiday committee.
MAX –
I wonder if Germaine knows any of the women at the Golf Emporium? I’d say they most likely travel in the same circles. Maybe you’re better suited at the Helmsted Golf Club than up here with us at Riverdale.
Stuart swings the club and SMASHES the window. Shrieking and flailing her arms, Renee runs. Maxine goes in the opposite direction and they meet behind the couch, crouching in fear.
Maxine and Renee look at one another.
MAX –
Well? What’ll it be?
REN –
You tell me.
-
QE Cycle #4 Scene
LOGLINE: Two sorority sisters hide their true feelings from each other that leads to dire consequences.
ESSENCE: Secrets do not stay hidden for too long.
TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine’s Snobbish to Vengeful
Scene:
EXT. BEHIND SORORITY HOUSE – NIGHT
MAXINE (20) sulks on a bench alone. She wipes the tears with her sleeve and looks around to make sure no one sees her.
In moments, RENEE (21) strolls outside with a drink and hanky in hand. She spots Maxine, nods assertively and makes her move. She cleans the bench with her hanky before sitting.
RENEE
Come on, Maxine. We’re all supposed to be inside enjoying ourselves.
MAXINE
I can’t. Bucky’s inside.
RENEE
Your secret is safe with me.
MAXINE
I wanted to wait until I got married.
Renee smirks knowing she holds personal information. She puts down her drink and thoroughly cleans her hands.
RENEE
Let’s go for a walk. It’s a cool breezy night.
Renee stands up and waits for Maxine who looks around.
RENEE
We’ll be fine. It’s just us.
MAXINE
Yeah. It’s a nice night.
Maxine gets up and looks around. Then they walk down the grassy field.
RENEE
Do you know who’s going to be next sorority president?
MAXINE
No.
RENEE
Me. You’ll see.
They proceed through the field as they’re watched by someone behind the trees.
RENEE
And as president, I’ll make our sorority the best on campus.
Maxine continues to look around and pays little attention to what Renee says.
RENEE
Are you Ok?
MAXINE
I feel like we’re being followed.
RENEE
Bucky has really ruined you?
MAXINE
I won’t be the only one. Soon enough.
RENEE
Remember, our families contribute immensely to this university. So stay level-headed.
Maxine perks up a bit.
MAXINE
Why don’t we sit here and see if we can identify any constellations.
Maxine and Renee sit on the grassy earth.
RENEE
I hope you don’t want to stay out here the whole night. We are hosting a party.
Maxine checks her cell phone.
MAXINE
Just a few minutes. We won’t be long.
RENEE
Why did you choose this spot?
MAXINE
Because there’s extra fresh air right here.
Suddenly, there are SCREAMS coming from the lawn behind them.
RENEE
What’s going on?
TWO FEMALES, completely naked run down the field YELLING in a frenzy. They run past Renee and Maxine who appear embarrassed.
RENEE
We should go inside and calm things down.
MAXINE
The party’s just getting started.
RENEE
This is not a good image for us.
Maxine turns around as Bucky (21) pops out from the darkness. He’s well-groomed with a football quarterback build.
MAXINE
Bucky?
BUCKY
Maxine can we talk?
MAXINE
When and where I decide you talk.
BUCKY
We had something special. All I do is think about you.
MAXINE
I’m sure the whole football team knows.
BUCKY
Nobody knows. Only us.
Renee attempts to avoid attention by staring at the sky.
MAXINE
You expect me to believe that.
BUCKY
I’m not some dumb jock. I’m a person who feels.
MAXINE
I have to go for now. But, you’ll hear from me.
Maxine hops to her feet and starts to walk away.
BUCKY
No. Let me take you home.
Renee stands up and slowly strides beside Maxine.
MAXINE
I’ll be fine.
As Maxine and Renee head out, THREE SORORITY SISTERS rush towards them.
SASSY SORORITY SISTER #1
(pointing at Maxine)
She’s a woman now!
JOYOUS SORORITY SISTER #2
No more innocence, but love is in the air!
Maxine is horrified as the rest of the sorority make their way outside with eyes on her.
MAXINE
(to Renee)
You’d do anything to have the upper hand.
RENEE
It’s a joke gone bad. Nobody was suppose to know.
Maxine takes out her cell phone and performs a few taps.
MAXINE
(shouts to everyone)
You all check the school’s website as soon as possible. Renee would love to entertain you all with her talents.
Maxine marches out. Renee runs to the sorority house as everyone’s curiosity drives them to peruse all their cell phones.
-
Logline: Maxine is using Renee, a makeup artist, to help her fake cancer to get sympathy because her husband left her.
Essence: Maxine finds that her ruse actually helped Renee get noticed in Hollywood, but at her expense.
Trait that I changed was Maxine from paranoid to Self Righteous. This revised her subtext to Maxine is a tricky woman who believes she is entitled to get what she wants.
INT. MAXINE’S ROOM – AFTERNOON
MAXINE, 25 skinny but not frail, lays in hospice bed looking out the window longingly. There is a beeping sound coming from the machine attached to her arm.
Her mother JANE 65, sits by her bed holding her hand sobbing. We can’t see her eyes through her gaudy sunglasses to match her gaudy jewelry.
MAXINE
It’s okay mom. I’m going to beat this thing.
JANE
Has Brad called?
Maxine snaps her head to look at her mom. Maxines’s face looks as though she has seen more chemo in the past month than food.
MAXINE
No! And he can, he can just go to hell. Him and his little hussy.
Her mom tilts her head in confusion.
JANE
I thought he was just on a break, like with what happened with your father?
Maxine shakes her head and looks out the window again.
MAXINE
He isn’t on a break mom. He has left and not coming back.
JANE
Oh baby. I’m so sorry. You should have told me.
MAXINE
Well I would have but, I was. I was too ashamed.
They both start to cry. Maxine presses a button on her bed and she looks at the door. The room is as big as a two bedroom apartment and just as gaudy as Jane’s jewelry.
She looks at the door annoyed and presses the button again. The door opens, RENEE 27, short blue colored hair and dressed in a nurse’s smock enters.
RENEE
Yes ma’am whatcha need.
MAXINE
Well the attitude is a bit much Renee, maybe tone it down.
Renee makes her way to the bed, and looks at Maxine’s face. She grabs Maxine’s chin and slowly turns her head side to side and up and down.
RENEE
Well I’m not one for formalities plus you’re not getting anything done without me. Remember!
She lets go of Maxine’s chin. Maxine nods toward her mother.
MAXINE
This is my mother Jane. Maybe you could tell her what is going on with my health.
Renee rolls her eyes, and looks at the leathery gaudy LA old money next to her.
RENEE
Well Mrs. Kline.
JANE
That’s Ms. Kurtz.
RENEE
Well, Ms. Kurtz if you would come by more often you would know Max here is..
Jane looks at Maxine and whispers.
JANE
You let her call you Max? Only your dad called you that.
MAXINE
No. I don’t and please Renee address me as Maxine. It’s my given name and I would implore you to use it or lose your employ.
JANE
Wow.
Renee narrows her eyes.
RENEE
Sure thing Ms. Maxine. I’m sure I misspoke. Please forgive my rudeness.
Renee has a buzz on her phone and pulls it out of her pocket. She opens it and looks at the message.
PHONE MESSAGE
Just saw your Tik-Tok. Great makeup work! Call me when you get a chance.
She smiles and looks at the room.
MAXINE
What is it?
RENEE
Oh just another gig. Someone at Rick Baker’s liked my work. I could surely use the cash but I would hate to leave you on your gilded perch of illness.
JANE
What are you blathering about, tell me what is wrong with my daughter or you will find yourself without employ.
Maxine looks at Renee worried.
RENEE
Well she is fighting stage 2 breast cancer.
Jane wails loudly. Renee rolls her eyes, and looks at Maxine who mouths “Thank you.”
JANE
Why do I know that name?
MAXINE
What name mom?
JANE
Rick. Baker, isn’t he that nice fellow that did the makeup on your father’s films so long ago?
Both Maxine and Renee’s eyes widen with fear. Jane doesn’t notice.
MAXINE
I’m sure it’s not the same guy mom.
RENEE
Yeah there’s lots of Rick Baker’s in the world. I wouldn’t read too much into it.
Renee’s phone buzzes again.
PHONE MESSAGE
Jack: holy shit she is that hard up for attention. Tell her I’m never coming back and her sister knows of the ruse.
Renee looks scared.
RENEE
Oh shit.
MAXINE
What, oh shit?
Renee shrugs and makes an oops smirk.
RENEE
Guess the cat’s out of the bag.
MAXINE
Good more people know.
Jane cries louder. Renee shakes her head.
RENEE
Umm. They know because I posted some of my work. And it’s fucking great work.
MAXINE
You didn’t? This was supposed to be my opus.
RENEE
Well it looks like it’s mine, and frankly I’m glad.
The intercom goes off in the bedroom. Renee answers it.
RENEE
Hello? Who’s calling?
A woman’s voice is heard over the speaker. It’s SASHA, Maxine’s sister
SASHA (V.O.)
Hey bitch! Buzz me in I gotta talk to her.
JANE
Oh dear Sasha is here buzz her in.
Renee buzzes her in. All three women listen to the stomping of footsteps, until they reach the door. Sasha flings the door open and pushes past Renee, who doesn’t stop her.
MAXINE
Dear sister, I’m very ill what is..
Sasha moves past her mom and looks directly at her sisters face.
JANE
Whatever are you doing child?
SASHA
You bitch. Had us all fooled!(Looks at Renee) Great work Renee.
Sasha grabs at her sisters head scarf. The two scream and fight.
JANE
Please girls stop this insanity!
Sasha pulls off the scarf and a bald cap revealing her sisters full head of hair.
SASHA
Thought so.
Maxine cries in anger. Jane screams and Renee curses.
JANE
What’s going on here?
SASHA
Renee did all this makeup to help her trick us mom. I just watched Renee’s Insta post. (To Renee) It’s all over the web. Good work!
-
INT. HIGH RISE NURSING HOME – NIGHT
SCREAMS from the elevator stuck between the 25th and 26th floors. NURSING STAFF with soothing voices call to the trapped patients.
NURSE 1
The repairman is on his way.
NURSE 2
You’ll be out soon.
NURSE 1
Just hold on a few more minutes.
Screams subside into cries.
The other elevator doors open. Out steps NANCY, big and bold, pushing SQUIRE, tiny and wiry, back into the car. Both wear shoulder cameras on their Elevators Inc. uniforms.
NANCY
Don’t argue with me; the guide rail is NOT bent, the cable is too new to be broke, and the machine drive was just serviced last week.
SQUIRE
I bought a dessert downstairs; so I’m good.
NANCY
What? What does that have to do with the price of bread?
SQUIRE
Just continuing our celebration. You go ahead and help these poor unfortunates. I’ll eat for both of us.
Chows down on a slice of cheesecake.
Nancy turns to the nurses, her whole expression changes.
NANCY
Hello, dears. Step back, please. I can take it from here. When did this happen?
NURSE 1
About an hour ago. Right after an angry family member left the building.
NANCY
Good thing you got two elevators for these poor old people.
NURSE 2
That other one is fritzing now.
Squire leaps out of the elevator licking his fingers. Nancy steps up to the broken elevator.
NANCY
Hey, in there! Back away while I use a crow bar or you’ll get hit!
The cries change to gasps.
NANCY
(to Squire)
Yeah, you finish your dinner on work time. I’m the ol’nly one knows what to do here, anyways.
SQUIRE
I will. And I’ll give you the rest of my dessert. You deserve it.
Picks a crumb off the floor. His expression suddenly changes.
SQUIRE
Wait! Today is the 24th!
NANCY
Better you keep your mind on your dinner.
Squire looks at a wall calendar. Tosses the cheesecake.
SQUIRE
The office! They’re monitoring all this! My annual review. My raise! It’s all decided on this one job. No wonder they sent us out on our special day. We don’t come to this job today…
NANCY
Then we’re fired. Eat your dessert. I almost got the door open.
Squire leaps over to grab the crow bar above where Nancy does and pretend pulls. Nancy stares at Squire.
NANCY
What in tarnation…Why are you wearing your protection hat and vest. You never wears them.
SQUIRE
You never know with elevators.
One last pull and the doors swing open. The nurses swoop into take out the patients. Nancy and Squire step back. Squire grabs a paper from one of the patients. Pockets it.
NANCY
You all will be okay now. Just go with your nurses.
SQUIRE
(into his shoulder camera)
Yes, we are just HAPPY WE COULD HELP!
Nancy shoots him a glare.
NANCY
WE? I did all the work, per usual.
Squire pinches her cheek.
SQUIRE
And a lovely job you did. And I did. With you. In the background, where it’s hard to see what I..,
NANCY
Oh, shut up. You’re still in the doghouse.
They step into the vacant elevator. He’s nervous, stays near the doors. Nancy accidentally on purpose drops the crowbar on Squire’s foot.
SQUIRE
(into his camera)
OUCH! Now with my bad foot, anything I do will be extra hard. But I don’t mind, since I’m here with my honeybunch. We’re a great team of elevator fixers, if there ever was one. Always helping the other. A real team. Real team work. Makes me happy just thinking about us.
Picks up the crowbar. Whistles. Pretend swings the bar like a baseball bat. It hits a button. The doors close. The lights go out. The emergency light comes on. It barely illuminates their faces.
SQUIRE
It broke again!
He scrambles to open the doors.
NANCY
YOU BROKE IT!
SQUIRE
We’re repair people. We can fix this.
He scratches at the doors like a dog at a rabbit hole.
NANCY
What’s got into you? Go up through the roof, then, to that doo-hicky what holds the cable.
SQUIRE
Not sure I can make it, with my foot and all.
NANCY
Through the roof. Cable holder. Now.
SQUIRE
Can’t.
NANCY
Why?
SQUIRE
Forgot my tools.
NANCY
Like you forgot our anniversary today.
SQUIRE
I didn’t. I was late…thinking about getting you a card when…because…you see, I bought you a ring. Silver. Beautiful box, But I lost it.
NANCY
Nice try, Romeo. You forgot, period.
SQUIRE
Well then just remember all the good times we’ve had, like the time–
Nancy picks up the crow bar.
NANCY
Like the time I hit you like this.
Swings the crowbar. Squire ducks. The bar hits the button panel. The car lurches down, stops, lurches down a couple of floors. SLAMS to a stop. The lights flicker back on.
Squire nearly faints.
SQUIRE
You’re welcome! See? Everything always turns out well in the end. What a team!
NANCY
Like I said, Like the time I hit you like this.
Swings at Squire, half-joking, who ducks again. This time he grabs Nancy and dips her, tango-style, then swoops her back up.
SQUIRE
Happy anniversary, my darling.
NANCY
Happy anniversary. Guess I can forgive Romeo one more time. Now step back while I fix this or we’ll be here ’til tomorrow.
SQUIRE
And get all the credit on our annual review day?
NANCY
Why not? You never do nothing anyway.
Squire produces an origami swan.
NANCY
Well, ain’t that beautiful!
Drops crowbar as she accepts it.
NANCY
Guess you ain’t all bad. Dear. Wait! Didn’t I see a patient with this?
SQUIRE
No. Maybe. It’s still a love token.
Nancy crushes it on Squire’s head.
NANCY
I’ll buy you a present with my raise. After this, you ain’t gettin’ squat from Elevator Ink. Be lucky they don’t fire you and take your license. Guess I got a little too competitive for my own good.
SQUIRE
I have you. That’s all I need.
Does a jig that shakes the elevator. It shudders. They frantically push all the buttons. The doors finally slide open. They leap out as the elevator snaps loose and plummets to the basement with a sickening, echoing CRASH!
SQUIRE
Guess you were right – that guard rail wasn’t bent, or that car would have stopped halfway down.
NANCY
May have to use that raise to buy these people a new elevator.
SQUIRE
Easy come easy go. At least we have each other. An almost your anniversary ring.
She kisses him.
NANCY
Whatever. Don’t have to keep that lie goin’. I’ll never find another Romeo like you.
She gazes into Squire’s eyes. Then…
NANCY
I wonder if that disgruntled family member…
They rush down the stairs to the basement. The smashed elevator. On the top, the remains of a half-exploded bomb.
NANCY
Must’ve misfired. Elevator should have crashed, with all those poor people. Some raving maniac.
She stares at a dust-covered lump on the smashed roof. Picks it up. Dusts it off. A box, Opens it. A silver ring.
-
This is the correct homework assignment:
Joe’s Q E Cycle 4, first write-up
LOGLINE: Two tree cutters plan to open a business
ESSENCE: relationships are based on truth
TRAIT CHANGED: outgoing to dominating
SCENE: a microphone crackle
EXT. TREE TOP – DAY
MAXINE, burly beneath a plaid jacket, faces RENEE, taller and sinewy, both belted to the tree and carrying chain saws.
MAXINE
Thanks for the second opinion. I’m always afraid I’ll start cutting too low and fall.
RENEE
I kept you waiting ’cause I had to get my jacket that matches my jeans. What the well-dressed logger is wearing this season.
MAXINE
Well, you almost got it. While we’re here, Boss Bob is still in the dark, right?
RENEE
Why wouldn’t he be?
MAXINE
Maybe because the rumors are true.
RENEE
Rumors? I only know one, and if it’s the one about our pending nuptials, yes it is.
MAXINE
So you told him! I KNEW it! You can’t keep your mouth sh–
RENEE
Hold on! Just because I’m marrying our boss don’t mean I told him about your plan to start your own company.
Maxine checks her belt. Renee moves herself up so she’s looking down at Maxine.
RENEE
Don’t go gettin’ paranoid. If I wanted to do you in, I would figure out a less obvious way.
MAXINE
A woman can’t be too sure. Well, maybe I just won’t ask you then.
RENEE
Ask me what? Nothing too out of line, I hope.
MAXINE
Was going to ask you to front the money so we’d be partners. Not now, though.
RENEE
Partners?
Hand combs her hair and straightens her jacket.
MAXINE
Fifty-fifty. With the new sub-division just approved, that whole thirty acres will have to be cleared. But I can’t trust somebody who told my secret.
RENEE
I never said I did.
MAXINE
Then how come I suddenly have a boatload of red tape and three lawsuits challenging starting the business?
She checks the oil and gas levels in her saw.
MAXINE
Something like that could drive a person to do something…unexpected to the one who caused the problem.
RENEE
What if I told you I said it in may sleep and Bob heard?
MAXINE
Are you saying you did?
RENEE
I’m saying What if? Would that smooth things over?
MAXINE
Sounds like somebody wants a piece of the action after all. But maybe not get it seeing as how she is not trustworthy.
RENEE
Or maybe the somebody threatening her friend will find her belt has frayed.
Maxine nearly twists herself upside down looking for a problem with her belt.
RENEE
Or maybe not because her friend is not that kind of person, just somebody who needs to not have people threatening her.
Renee moves a little lower to make better eye contact.
MAXINE
Tell you what. That red tape goes away and we’re as good as partners.
RENEE
If I get top billing, CEO, then you got a deal. No fancy footwork, just a regular business that doesregular tree cuttin’.
Maxine sets the saw aside.
MAXINE
Only if our base is uptown, top floor.
Renee puts out a hand.
MAXINE
AND…you don’t marry Bob.
Renee quickly withdraws her hand.
RENEE
WHAT? Why would I not marry Bob?
MAXINE
The other rumor. I said I heard rumors.
RENEE
Tell me now or get your head punched in, or worse.
Checks her saw for oil and gas levels, test the blade against her finger.
MAXINE
There you go again, being mean and all. Just like you. But all right. Rumor is, he’s already married.
RENEE
Rumor. He has a sick mother in Tawneyville, and that’s where he goes every weekend.
MAXINE
Except I followed him last week. His sick mother is a drop dead gorgeous platinum blond with two of his kids.
RENEE
He’s not that kind of man. I know because I’m not that kind of woman, I’m respectable like him.
Maxine reaches in her back pocket and pulls out an envelope. Hands it over to Maxine.
MAXINE
Before you go using your saw on my belt, lady.
Renee stares at one photo after another. Takes the whole batch and SLAMS them against the tree.
RENEE
That two-timer ain’t getting one more night with this fine, upstanding woman.
Puts out her hand.
RENEE
You got yourself a deal, says your new CEO to the new President. And no I did not tell him in my sleep. I told him about your business outright. Sorry, partner.
Maxine shakes on the deal. Lowers her saw on a long rope.
MAXINE
Now what do we tell Bob? He’s likely to skewer the both of us now.
RENEE
He won’t do no such thing. We got evidence he was about to be a bigamist.
They both look for the photos. Stare wide-eyed at each other and then down to the ground 200 feet below.
At the base of the tree, a chain saw roars to life.
-
Tom Wilson’s QE Cycle #4 – One trait changed in one character
LOGLINE: Two young women debate a broken promise.
ESSENCE: Maxine thinks Renee betrayed her.
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Maxine’s Snobbish is now Inferiority Complex
SCENE:
EXT. LEAFY PARK NEAR MODERN OFFICE BUILDINGS – DAY
RENEE and MAXINE chase a food truck as it pulls away from the curb.
Patrons eat fast-food lunches they just bought off the “roach coach.”
A sexy Latina in blue jeans, a man’s checkered shirt and work boots, Maxine runs along the sidewalk. Waves at the food truck.
A chubby white-bread gringa in ritzy business casual and heels, Renee steps in front of the truck which abruptly brakes. Almost hits her.
The male driver makes a rude gesture at Renee who takes no notice.
Both women yell their orders to the cook through the side window.
MAXINE
Breakfast burrito, por favor.
Renee elbows Maxine aside.
RENEE
Club sandwich on sour dough.Chop, chop.
Renee brushes her hair in the truck window’s reflection.
FEMALE COOK
“Sore,” qué? No comprende.MAXINE
la mujer perdedora quiere un
sandwich club en masa madre.The cook looks at Renee, nods, smiles agreement with Maxine.
Both women pay for their food.
RENEE
Oh! Is that you?MAXINE
Name’s still Maxine. When you spoke at
our company meetup, you said I was
qualified to advance and you’d put
in a good word for me with your boss.RENEE
Technically I didn’t. It wouldn’t
have done you any good.MAXINE
I’ve had my hopes dashed before.You don’t care for Latinas.
RENEE
In some cases, you’re in high demand.MAXINE
I tried to leave a voice mail for you but it was full.RENEE
So you’re the one who filled it up.MAXINE
I get it. You’re only friendly
when you have to be.RENEE
I was joking. It’s good PR for
headhunters to address …
people who want to get ahead.MAXINE
Giving false hope we can
advance floats your boat.RENEE
I kept all of your group’s resumes. If
you qualify for anything I’ll consider you.Maxine grabs her arm.
MAXINE
You shittin’ me?Renee pries Maxine’s fingers off her pleated sleeve.
The cook hands them their orders.
RENEE
Don’t give me reason to shitcan your resume.
Get a higher-level software certification.
The new hot stuff. Send me an update.She hands Maxine her business card.
RENEE
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. This mujer
perdedora and you can do each other some good.Maxine watches her do a brisk pace back to her building.
She blinks at the card. #
-
Tom,
I love the opening of the two entirely different looking women chasing after the same food truck. Right away I know they are different, yet share the same taste in food. Renee loves the food so much she is willing to bet the driver will stop in time and not injure her. That bit of action lines up to an extreme with Renee’s subtext of feeling entitled (Hal is always telling us to go to the extreme).
I got Renee’s traits of prissy, devious and possibly outgoing (more like aggressive). And Maxine’s traits of paranoid and inferiority complex stood out as well as emotionally wounded. She believes Renee broke a promise to help her get a better job/position, but we don’t know why Renee chose to do so. I feel Maxine could have been more tricky here (part of her subtext) to get Renee to act on her promise. I loved the ending too when Renee reveals she knows Spanish. Nice twist.
I tried to write notes like you did on mine by commenting next to the dialogue when I felt a trait was being expressed well.
I MAXINE
Breakfast burrito, por favor.
Renee elbows Maxine aside. (action showing entitlement)
RENEE
Club sandwich on sour dough.
Chop, chop.
Renee brushes her hair in the truck window’s reflection. (prissy)
FEMALE COOK
“Sore,” qué? No comprende.
MAXINE
la mujer perdedora quiere un
sandwich club en masa madre. (tricky?)
The cook looks at Renee, nods, smiles agreement with Maxine.
Both women pay for their food.
RENEE
Oh! Is that you? (devious)
MAXINE
Name’s still Maxine. When you spoke at
our company meetup, you said I was
qualified to advance and you’d put
in a good word for me with your boss.(emotionally wounded)
RENEE
Technically I didn’t. It wouldn’t
have done you any good. (I’m not sure I understand this line)
MAXINE
I’ve had my hopes dashed before. (emotionally wounded)
You don’t care for Latinas. (paranoid)
RENEE
In some cases, you’re in high demand.
MAXINE
I tried to leave a voice mail for you but it was full.
RENEE
So you’re the one who filled it up.
MAXINE
I get it. You’re only friendly
when you have to be. (emotionally wounded)
RENEE
I was joking. It’s good PR for
headhunters to address …
people who want to get ahead.
MAXINE
Giving false hope we can
advance floats your boat.
RENEE
I kept all of your group’s resumes. If
you qualify for anything I’ll consider you.
Maxine grabs her arm.
MAXINE
You shittin’ me? (paranoid?)
Renee pries Maxine’s fingers off her pleated sleeve.
The cook hands them their orders.
RENEE
Don’t give me reason to shitcan your resume.
Get a higher-level software certification.
The new hot stuff. Send me an update.
She hands Maxine her business card.
RENEE
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. This mujer
perdedora and you can do each other some good.
Maxine watches her do a brisk pace back to her building.
She blinks at the card. #
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