Day 17 Assignment

[Angie Sills]

Greetings!
I am a contest reader and script consultant.
My script deals with sexual assault.
If you are interested in trading script reviews, please email me at acsills.scripts@gmail.com

Much obliged,

angie

[Rae Rodgers]

REWRITE – DAY #16 RAE’S AMAZING OPENING SCENE

What I learned this assignment is my opening obviously still needs work, but the question is, is this ever not the case? This exercise has been extremely helpful in
ramping up several of my character’s intros in these first scenes.

BRAINSTORM 3 OTHER OPENINGS- GIVE A ONE PARAGRAPH SYNOPSIS OF 3 opening scenes.

BEFORE VERSION.

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE (LONG BEACH) – NIGHT

JESI JOHNSON (35), resets a toilet, her rough hewn contractor dad JACKSON (59), yelling
instructions from his recliner, his foot in a cast. CU on Jesi, a tomboy at
heart who’s looks could also turn heads on any runway.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Are you sure you shut the water off?

JESI

Of course, Dad.

JACKSON

You drained the tank and pulled the toilet off?

JESI

Dad, how many times have we done this together?

JACKSON

Well that’s one helluva heavy toilet so give a yell if you need a hand.

JESI

All’s good, Daddy.

JACKSON

Now, you see the worn seal under the bowl? Well don’t forget to replace it with the
one I left on the counter… then drop the toilet back on.

JESI
This is not my first plumbing gig, Dad.

Jesi resets the toilet with Jackson still shouting.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Remember to tighten those bolts real good before you set it back on.

JESI

No worries, Dad.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Well you’ll need to know this stuff if you’re gonna run my truck someday.

JESI

Dad, you know I do a better job than any man.

(to herself)

Geez, what a mind drop.

Jesi tightens the final screw then answers her flashing cell phone, wiping sweat.

JESI
(into phone)

Hey, happy happy. We still on? Ten o’clock?

(listens)

Pine Street? Okay, only for you, girl.

TIME LAPSE

Jesi steps from the shower drying off, slips into a tiny black dress, piles on the
make-up sculpting heavy around the eyes, twists her hair in a high knot.

INT. GAY CLUB – NIGHT

Females only. Stabbing lights. Music pulsing. GIZELLE (35), dances solo, oozing
sexy. Jesi’s struggling to keep up.
A GAY FEMALE dances between them. Jesi’s fine with it. Gizelle breaks up the
threesome, heads for the bar.

JESI

(shouts)

Hey, get back here! What are you afraid of?

3 NEW OPENINGS

Opening #2. Jesi Johnson (35) is stuck at home repairing a toilet while her father Jackson
(59), yells instructions, his leg in a cast. Jesi’s best friend, Gizelle Brown
(37), charges in ready to party while Jesi’s busy bolting down the toilet, all sweaty. Her father insists she must stay and finish the toilet repair.
Jesi’s party animal prevails. She ups and leaves saying she’ll finish
tomorrow. He yells if she leaves the job un-finished, she is unworthy of
running his business. Jesi runs out with Gizelle anyway.

Opening #3. Jesi (8), wakes from a dream, screaming for her mother. Her mother sits on
the front porch, drunk, bottle of scotch in hand, unaware her daughter
needs her. Jesi rips out of bed and runs to the safety of her father, Jackson.
Cut to present day. Jesi repairs the family toilet. Her father JAXCKSON (59)
reclined, shouting instructions, his foot in a cast. Jesi cautions she doesn’t
have long, that she and Gizelle are going clubbing for her birthday. Gizelle
arrives and within minutes Jesi glams up, flies out the door yelling she’ll
finish the job in the morning. Jackson snaps back, she’s unreliable, should
forget any pipe dreams of running his business.

CURRENT SCRIPT:

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE/BATHROOM (LONG BEACH) – DAY

JESI JOHNSON(35), resets a toilet, spanner in hand. Her contractor dad JACKSON (59), yell from a recliner, his foot in a cast.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Sure you shut the water off?

JESI

Geez Dad, of course I did.

JACKSON

Drained the tank and pulled the toilet off?

JESI

Dad, how many times have we done this?

JACKSON

Well give a yell if you need a hand. That’s one helluva heavy toilet.

JESI

All’s good, Daddy.

JACKSON

Now, see the worn seal under the bowl? Replace it with the one on the counter then drop the toilet on.

JESI

This is not my first go round, Dad.

Jesi resets the toilet, Jackson still shouting.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Remember to tighten those bolts real good then set it back on.

JESI

You got it. No worries, Dad.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Well, you need to know this stuff if you’re gonna run my truck someday.

JESI

You know I’ll do the job better than any man.

(to herself)

Geez, what a mind drop.

She tightens a last screw, faces a full length mirror wiping sweat, answers her flashing cell phone.

JESI

(into phone)

Hey, happy birthday. Are we still on, eight o’clock? Pine Street?

(listens)

Ten o’clock! Only for you, girl.

TIME LAPSE

Jesi dries off from her shower, slips into a tiny black dress, piles on the make-up highlighting the eyes, twists her hair in a high knot.

INT. GAY CLUB – NIGHT

Females only. Stabbing lights. Music pulsing. GIZELLE(35), dances solo, oozing sexy. Jesi’s struggling to keep up.

A GAY FEMALE dances between them. Jesi’s fine with it. Gizelle breaks up the threesome, heads for the bar.

JESI

(shouts)

Hey, get back here! What are you afraid of?

FINAL DRAFT:

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE/BATHROOM (LONG BEACH) – DAY

JESI JOHNSON(35), resets a toilet, spanner in hand. Her contractor dad JACKSON (59), yelling from a recliner, his foot in a cast.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Sure you shut the water off?

JESI

Geez Dad, of course I did.

JACKSON

Drained the tank and pulled the toilet off?

JESI

Dad, how many times have we done this?

JACKSON

Well give a yell if you need a hand. That’s one helluva heavy toilet.

JESI

All’s good, Daddy.

JACKSON

Now see the worn seal under the bowl? Replace it with the one on the counter then drop the toilet on.

JESI

This is not my first go round, Dad.

Jesi resets the toilet, Jackson still shouting.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Remember to tighten those bolts real good before you set it back on.

JESI

You got it. No worries, Dad.

JACKSON (O.S.)

You need to know this stuff if you’re gonna run my truck someday.

JESI

Dad, you know I can do the job better than any man.

(to herself)

Geez, what a mind drop.

She tightens a last screw, faces a full length mirror wiping sweat, answers her flashing cell phone.

JESI

(into phone)

Hey, happy birthday. Are we still on, eight o’clock? Pine Street?

(listens)

Ten? Only for you, girl.

TIME LAPSE

Jesi dries off from her shower, slips into a tiny black dress, piles on the make-up highlighting the eyes, twists her hair in a high knot.

INT. GAY CLUB – NIGHT

Females only. Stabbing lights. Music pulsing. GIZELLE (35), dances solo, oozing sexy. Jesi’s struggling to keep up.

A GAY FEMALE dances between them. Jesi’s fine with it. Gizelle breaks up the threesome, heads for the bar.

JESI

(shouts)

Hey, get back here! What are you afraid of?

FADE IN:

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE/BATHROOM (LONG BEACH) – DAY

JESI JOHNSON(35), resets a toilet, spanner in hand. Her contractor dad JACKSON (59), yelling from a recliner, his foot in a cast.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Sure you shut the water off?

JESI

Geez Dad, of course I did.

JACKSON

Drained the tank and pulled the toilet off?

JESI

How many times have we done this?

JACKSON

Give a yell if you need a hand. That’s one helluva heavy toilet.

JESI

All’s good, Daddy.

JACKSON

See the worn seal under the bowl? Replace it with the one on the counter then drop the toilet on.

JESI

It’s not my first go round, Dad.

Jesi resets the toilet, Jackson still shouting.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Remember to tighten those bolts real good then set it back on.

JESI

You got it. No worries, Dad.

JACKSON (O.S.)

You need to know this stuff if you’re gonna run my truck someday.

JESI

Geez, what a mind drop. You know I’ll do the job better than any man.

She tightens a last screw, faces a full length mirror wiping sweat, answers her flashing cell phone.

JESI

(into phone)

Hey, happy birthday. Are we still on, eight o’clock? Pine Street?

(listens)

Only for you, girl.

TIME LAPSE

Jesi dries off from her shower, slips into a tiny black dress, piles on the make-up highlighting the eyes, twists her hair in a high knot.

INT. GAY CLUB – NIGHT

Females only. Stabbing lights. Music pulsing. GIZELLE(35), dances solo, oozing sex. Jesi’s struggling to keep up.

A GAY FEMALE dances between them. Jesi’s fine with it. Gizelle breaks up the threesome, heads for the bar.

JESI

(shouts)

Hey, get back here! What are you afraid of? FADE IN:

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE/BATHROOM (LONG BEACH) – DAY

JESI JOHNSON(35), resets a toilet, spanner in hand. Her contractor dad JACKSON (59), yelling from a recliner, his foot in a cast.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Sure you shut the water off?

JESI

Geez Dad, of course I did.

JACKSON

Drained the tank and pulled the toilet off?

JESI

How many times have we done this?

JACKSON

Give a yell if you need a hand. That’s one helluva heavy toilet.

JESI

All’s good, Daddy.

JACKSON

See the worn seal under the bowl? Replace it with the one on the counter then drop the toilet on.

JESI

It’s not my first go round, Dad.

Jesi resets the toilet, Jackson still shouting.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Remember to tighten those bolts real good then set it back on.

JESI

You got it. No worries, Dad.

JACKSON (O.S.)

You need to know this stuff if you’re gonna run my truck someday.

JESI

Geez, what a mind drop. You know I’ll do the job better than any man.

She tightens a last screw, faces a full length mirror wiping sweat, answers her flashing cell phone.

JESI

(into phone)

Hey, happy birthday. Are we still on, eight o’clock? Pine Street?

(listens)

Only for you, girl.

TIME LAPSE

Jesi dries off from her shower, slips into a tiny black dress, piles on the make-up highlighting the eyes, twists her hair in a high knot.

INT. GAY CLUB – NIGHT

Females only. Stabbing lights. Music pulsing. GIZELLE(35), dances solo, oozing sex. Jesi’s struggling to keep up.

A GAY FEMALE dances between them. Jesi’s fine with it. Gizelle breaks up the threesome, heads for the bar.

JESI

(shouts)

Hey Zelle, get back here! What are you afraid of?

[Rae Rodgers]

DAY #17 (continued)

NEW OPENING:

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE (LONG BEACH) – EVENING

GIZELLE (35), blonde, single, sweeping sex appeal, knocks and barges
through the front door. JACKSON JOHNSON (59), sunk in his recliner, leg in a
cast, goes unnoticed by Gizelle as she stalks to the bathroom.

GIZELLE

Hey girl, you ready to party!

JACKSON (O.S.)

Who the hell are you?

GIZELLE

Jesi?!

JESI (O.S.)

Hey Zelle, I’m in the bathroom!

Jackson shouts at the two of them.

JACKSON (O.S.)

Jesi, sure you shut the water off? And who the hell was that ?

JESI

Of course, Dad. It’s Gizelle of course!

Gizelle slams into the bathroom, sees Jesi entangled in the plumbing mess.

GIZELLE

What the fuck. We’re gonna be late!

JESI

(to Gizelle)

Hey girl, happy birthday!

JACKSON

(shouts O.S.)

So you drained the tank, pulled the toilet off?

JESI

Dad, how many times have we done this!

JACKSON (O.S.)

Well yell if you need a hand. That’s one helluva heavy toilet.

JESI
All’s good, Daddy.

JACKSON

Now you see that worn seal under the bowl? Don’t forget to replace it
with the one on the counter before you drop the toilet back on.

JESI

It’s not my first plumbing gig, Dad.

She resets the toilet with Jackson still shouting, Gizelle freaking out.

JACKSON

Remember to tighten those bolts real good before you set it back on.

JESI

No worries, Dad.

JACKSON

Well you need to know this stuff if you’re gonna run my truck someday.

JESI

Dad, I do a better goddamn job than any man and you know it.

JACKSON

Watch that mouth young lady.

JESI

(mouths to Gizelle)

What a mind drop!

Gizelle points to the time unwilling to wait around.

GIZELLE

(leaving)

Okay let’s just meet at the Club.

JESI
Okay. This won’t take long.

GIZELLE

Be there, Pine Street, ten o’clock.

JESI

Thought we said eight. Only for you, girl.

TIME LAPSE

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Jesi steps from the shower drying off, slips on a tiny black dress, piles on
the make-up, twists her hair in a high knot. The mirror shows a stunning
young woman who’s a tomboy at heart, but has looks that would turn heads on any fashion runway.

INT. GAY CLUB – NIGHT

Females only. Stabbing lights. Music pulsing. Gizelle dances solo, oozing
sex. Jesi’s struggling to keep up. A GAY FEMALE dances between them.
Jesi includes her. Gizelle breaks up the threesome, heads for the bar.
JESI
(shouts)
Hey Zelle, get back here! What are you afraid of?