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Day 18 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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17 Replies
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QE #4: I CHANGED RENEE’S TRAIT AS FOLLOWS IN THIS NEXT VERSION:
RENEE
Traits
– Prissy
– Devious
– Outgoing
– Conformist->nonconformist (trait change in this rewrite)Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky
– Snobbish
– Paranoid
– Emotionally WoundedSubtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
What I learned: changing a single character trait can completely change the nature of a given scene.
INT. DENNY’S RESTAURANT, ALABAMA – DAY
Logline: RENEE (30) has a coffee date with MAXINE (28) to discuss Renee’s wedding and her desire for Maxine to be her bride’s maid. Unfortunately, Maxine has a secret that once revealed usurps all of Renee’s plans.
Essence: The best-laid plans can always be upended.
MAXINE, an attractive woman in her late twenties, approaches RENEE, an attractive thirty-year-old, sitting at a booth at a Denny’s. Both women speak with a mild southern accent. Renee wears a bright pink dress with high-top leather boots and a decorative scarf that speaks to her sense of individuality. Maxine dresses more corporate. Renee looks a little like Cher from the 1960s.
After exchanging a ‘hello’ embrace Maxine settles into the booth, sitting across from Renee.
MAXINE: You look great! I love that scarf!
Renee smiles and adjusts her scarf a little.
RENEE: I just love making a statement. So good to see you!
MAXINE: Same here! I do wish you would have told me you wanted to meet at Denny’s. There’s this great new coffee shop we could have tried with fantastic expressos! I hope none of my friends see me here!
RENEE: I’m sure you’re OK! I’m probably on the lowest rung of your circle, right? I’m probably the only hippie you know in Alabama!
Maxine frowns.
RENEE: Ok, first things first. Will you sign the petition to make recreational cannabis use legal in Alabama. I can forward you the email.
MAXINE: I never smoked pot, honey. I don’t know where you picked up the habit.
RENEE: University. I fell in l love with Jack Kerouac.
MAXINE: Who the hell is he?
RENEE: Dharma bums? The founder of beat? Honey, get an education.
MAXINE: Send me your petition. I’ll sign it.
RENEE: Great.
MAXINE: Do you get any money for me signing it?
Beat.
RENEE: Maybe a little. I mean, I’m leading the group. I should get a little payback for my time.
Renee picks up her cell phone, clicks on her email, and forwards the petition to Maxine.
RENEE: Done! Petition sent!
Beat. Maxine eyes Renee over.
MAXINE: How long have we known each other?
RENEE: Oh, too long to count! High School at least.
Maxine’s cell phone RINGS.
MAXINE: Hang on.
She looks at her cell phone, notices it says: ‘INCOMING: JERRY’
Maxine declines the call – but presses the option allowing for voicemail.
MAXINE: Potential Spam!
RENEE: I hate that.
Renee removes a compact from her purse and touches herself up.
RENEE: Gotta look good for the waiter!
The waiter, a YOUNG MAN in his mid-twenties, approaches.
WAITER: What can I get you?
RENEE: Just coffee for me.
MAXINE: Me too.
WAITER: Easy enough! Be right back.
The two women’s eyes follow the young man.
RENEE: Well, he’s sure got a nice attitude.
MAXINE: Yeah, very nice!
They look at each other and LAUGH.
RENEE: Well, I ah, also volunteered for the Climate March. I’m coordinating for our area.
MAXINE: Climate march. Jesus. Do you believe that stuff?
RENEE: Well, yeah. Don’t you follow the science?
MAXINE: My pastor says it’s all a ploy by the Deep State to take over the United States.
RENEE: You gotta be kidding me? Do I look like Deep State?
Maxine looks her over.
The waiter returns with the coffee and sets the two cups in front of them.
Maxine turns to the waiter.
MAXINE: Does she look like a Deep State operative?
WAITER: Hell yeah.
The waiter walks away.
MAXINE: I rest my case.
RENEE: You are so paranoid. I was gonna ask you to be my Bridesmaid and now just don’t know.
MAXINE: Wow, you’re getting married? Did you break up with Jerry?
RENEE: It is Jerry! Who the hell else would I be marrying?
Maxine looks down, almost ashamed, then back at Renee.
MAXINE: I don’t know. Maybe just not Jerry.
Beat.
Maxine shows the cell phone call — clearly indicating it is from Jerry — to Renee. There is an unplayed voice message.
MAXINE: I’m seeing Jerry, honey. He’s two-timing you.
Long pause.
RENEE: Did he leave you a message?
Maxine checks her cell phone.
MAXINE: Yeah.
RENEE: Play it.
Maxine hits play on the voicemail. Jerry’s VOICE is heard:
JERRY: Hey, honey. I can’t make it Friday. I have something else going on with Renee. I’ll get the whole thing sorted out. I’ll call you back Monday. Love ya.
Maxine looks at Renee.
Renee BURSTS INTO TEARS and gets up.
RENEE: You bitch!
Several people sitting around in Denny’s look up at both of them. Renee looks around at all the people.
RENEE: (addresses people): What the fuck are you staring at!
RENEE storms out of the Denny’s. Maxine follows her.
EXT. DENNY’S – SAME TIME
Maxine follows her. Renee bolts to her car, unlocks and opens the door, and tries to close it, but Maxine prevents her.
RENEE: Let me go!
MAXINE: I thought you might be OK with it. I mean you’re so liberal!
RENEE: Not that liberal! How could you do this to me?
MAXINE: You can’t figure that out?
RENEE: No, I can’t!
MAXINE: All the boys who used to ask you to dance in High School and left me on the sidelines?
RENEE: So this is revenge?
MAXINE: Absolutely. You should know when you hurt people. Not do it so much!
Renee cannot believe what she is hearing and SLAMS the car door shut.
Renee is about to drive away and rolls down the car window.
RENEE: This ain’t over yet. I’m gonna marry Jerry. I’m gonna do it no matter what it takes and who I hurt. I mean he wants to. He said so. I believe him.
Maxine looks on. Renee rolls up her window and SPEEDS OFF.
Maxine walks to the curb and sits. She holds her head in her hands, sobbing.
END OF SCENE
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Renee definitely became more unconventional in this version and Maxine responded to her differently as a consequence. Your Interest techniques were still there, but some were modified to reflect new content as Renee’s activities became more unconventional. Well done.
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I really enjoyed this scene. You added action between dialog that revealed traits, got in the scene arc, and used most if not all of the maximum interest traits. You might consider using a cliff hanger to take us to the next scene rather than having Maxine cry on the curb. Perhaps a lesson for Jerry or she fibs and yells as Renee drives away, I’m pregnant. Great job with this scene, it held my interest all the way to the end.
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My improved scene is under lesson 19.
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Lesson 18: Monica’s QE Cycle #4: Re-Write this Scene
ASSIGNMENT:
LOGLINE: An up and coming all-female law firm is targeted by other firms to steal all their clients.
ESSENCE: Jealousy and envy
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee’s conformist to revolutionary
SITUATION: One person promises the other that they kept the secret, but really didn’t.
SCENE ARC: From: The promise confirmed to: the other person discovering the secret is out.
RENEE
Traits
– Prissy
– Devious
– Outgoing
– Conformist – changed to revolutionary
Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky
– Snobbish
– Paranoid
– Emotionally Wounded
Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
SCENE:
INT. FANCY FRENCH RESTAURANT – NIGHT
RENEE, 40s, very well dressed in a Chanel suit, Rolex, diamond necklace, perfect hair and make-up, sits at a table situated on the balcony which overlooks the main floor of a fancy French restaurant. She sips a martini while observing the diners below. A few people below wave up at her. She acknowledges them with a nod of her head.
MAXINE, late-30’s, equally well-turned out is escorted to Renee’s table by one of the WAITER’S. She’s slightly out of breath as she takes her seat opposite Renee.
MAXINE
(to Waiter)
I’ll have whatever she’s having.
WAITER
Very good Madame.
The Waiter looks at Renee. She nods her head. He turns and walks away.
Maxine looks over the diners below. Turns around and looks over her shoulder at the other diners on the balcony level. Crosses her legs and one jumps to some invisible tune in her head.
RENEE
What’s the matter?
MAXINE
I have news. And I don’t want to be overheard.
RENEE
You need to take a few deep breaths or people are going to think something’s wrong with you.
MAXINE
Something is wrong.
Maxine stops talking as the Waiter returns with two martinis.
RENEE
I’m waiting.
MAXINE
It’s about the firm.
Maxine gulps the martini down in one gulp. Renee rolls her eyes. Maxine leans across the table and in a low voice…
MAXINE
(shudders)
I have discovered who’s stealing all our clients and why.
RENEE
And did you do as I asked to discover this information?
MAXINE
(hisses)
YES! I prostituted myself with Barry Finch.
(beat)
Do you know he smells of garlic and he has a micro-penis.
RENEE
If you’re going to make it in this business, you’re going to have to do some unpleasant things. Like sleeping with Barry Finch.
MAXINE
I suppose. After all, I haven’t really gotten over my break up with Mark.
RENEE
See. Have a little fun, even if it is with Barry Finch.
MAXINE
(nods)
It’s not his firm. Even though he’s a chauvinist pig.
RENEE
So who would you rather sleep with?MAXINE
I slept with Roderick Fox. He’s our guy.
RENEE
What?! I specifically told you he was off-limits.MAXINE
(shrugs)
Why? So you could do him? Now that’s a cock. Besides he told me things about you that I didn’t even know.
(beat)
You should have started a brothel, not a law firm.
RENEE
How do you think I got the money to go to law school and start the firm?
(beat)
I’m surprised Finch’s hasn’t fallen off he was there so often.
MAXINE
You were a prostitute? You better not let that get out.
RENEE
Keep your voice down. Of course not, I was the Madame. I took care of my girls. Health care, birth control, and only impeccable clients. And it won’t get out if you know what’s good for you.MAXINE
I know how to keep a secret. But Barry Finch?!
RENEE
Made him take a bath every time he showed up. Gargle with Scope. But I did service Roderick Fox.Renee gets a far-away look in her eye.
RENEE
I think we’re going to have to break in to his firm.
MAXINE
What?!
RENEE
Since you enjoyed him so much, I’ll do the B&E while you keep him occupied.
(beat)
There is no way we’ll catch him stealing our clients if we don’t do something drastic. Besides I’ve become quite accustomed to my lifestyle, as have you.
Maxine shrugs her agreement. They open the menus.
RENEE
Now what do you want to eat?
MAXINE
Oh-oh.
RENEE
What?
RODERICK FOX, late-40s, well-dressed, handsome with lots of salt and pepper hair strolls up to their table. He pulls up a chair and sits down.
RODERICK
You two aren’t comparing notes on me are you?
RENEE
We’d not engage in anything so crass.
RODERICK
That’s rich coming from you. So how’s business. I hear you’re losing clients. Which is a shame really. You had a good concept with an all-female law firm.
RENEE
Do you have anything to do with our dwindling client base?
RODERICK
My firm doesn’t need to raid clients from other firms. My reputation is enough for them to flock to us.
Renee snorts.
RENEE
And what reputation would that be?
RODERICK
(winks at Renee)
The rich and powerful are usually men and they like men representing them for any legal issues.
RENEE
The rich and powerful used to be all men. Women are taking over the world. But you knew that considering the gossip in town about your extra-curricular activities with your female clients.
RODERICK
Now Renee, jealous?
RENEE
Why would I be jealous? I know exactly what you are.Maxine runs her finger over Roderick’s suit sleeve.
MAXINE
Is this cashmere?
RODERICK
I believe so. Only the best you know.
MAXINE
Just so. So what are you doing later?
RODERICK
Are you offering me a three-some?
RENEE
Only in your wet-dreams. I don’t do that anymore. I’m too exhausted working to romp between the sheets with you. But Maxine, she’s game.MAXINE
I am.
RODERICK
Let me buy you ladies dinner. Then you…
(turns to Renee)
Can go back to the office.
(turns to Maxine)
And you and I can retire to my penthouse.
MAXINE
Sounds like a plan.
The Waiter stops by again. Roderick shrugs out of his suit jacket. Keys can be heard rattling in the pockets. He hands it to the Waiter.
RODERICK
If you could hang this up for me.
WAITER
Yes sir.
RODERICK
And we should be ready to order when you return.
RENEE
If you excuse me for a moment. I’ll just use the ladies.
Renee stands. She follows the Waiter. When she’s out of view of the table…
RENEE
Excuse me. I’ll give you a thousand dollars to let me rifle through his pockets.
WAITER
I don’t know Madame. I could lose my job.
Renee takes him by the arm and steers him to the cloak room. She takes the jacket from him, grabs a hanger, takes off the tag and gives it to the Waiter. Just before she hangs the suit jacket up so goes through the pockets.
Finds some keys. Looks at each one. Takes the one that looks like an office key. Does more searching and finds the fob to his firm’s building.
Drops them in her purse. She hands the Waiter several one hundred bills.
RENEE
You saw nothing.
WAITER
(as he pockets the money)
I saw nothing.
RENEE
Now be a good man and return to the table. I’ll be right back to order.
WAITER
Yes, Madame.-
Hi Monica – great scene, lays out (no pun intended) the two women’s traits quite nicely. My main suggestion is to explore a little further what Renee’s change to ‘revolutionary’ means. The dictionary (per my quick wiki search) meaning of ‘revolutionary’ involves either dramatic change of some sort of political change. I’m sensing more of a ‘devious’ interpretation of what ‘revolutionary’ means with Renee in this version of your scene. Another take on it might be, for example, that Renee seeks to join Roderick’s firm and become a partner and actually expose Roderick and get rid of him at his firm. That imho would be an example of a revolutionary. She would literally be usurping the power structure. btw, I also changed Renee’s same trait, but to ‘nonconformist’. Again per the dictionary, my interpretation of that is along the lines of ‘counterculture’. In the South, where my scene takes place, some of Renee’s activities I depicted might be considered counterculture.
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Hi Don,
That’s a great idea! Thank you for your feedback.
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Hi Monica,
Interesting, edgy, and fun read that kept me reading. You got in the subtext, scene arc, and most of the traits. I think rather than change conformist to revolutionary, you should have considered unconventional. That is the trait I saw expressed. I also missed Maxine’s wound that would influence her snobbishness and paranoia. A couple of more maximum interest techniques would make it more intriguing. I thought the ending a bit abrupt without a real twist or cliffhanger. You might of considered Renee returning to the table and finding Maxine and Roderick gone. That tricky Maxine! Where did they go, to Roderick’a apartment or office? Anyway, a good engaging scene.
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What I learned doing this revision: I basically changed one trait for Maxine and gave her a quick personality transplant. Then I replaced Maxine in my original scene with this new one and modified her lines and actions to fit her new personality and adjusted how Renee (and Connie) approached and reacted to her. It was pretty quick and painless.
Logline: Maxine has a rude awakening when she finds that everyone already knows her mother is an alcoholic in need of rehab and that lunch is an intervention for her.
Essence: Maxine finds that everyone already knew about the family drinking problem.
Trait I Changed: I was confused on what we should post the first time so I am making a second change (didn’t keep a copy of where I made the original change in Renee from Devious to a Pious Do-Gooder which revised her subtext to: Renee is a pious do-gooder who believes she is required to help everyone resolve their problems).
This time, I changed Maxine from being Tricky to being Naive which makes her subtext: Maxine is a naive woman who is often blind-sided.
INT. – UPSCALE RESTAURANT – DAY
A waitress wipes down a table.
RENEE, 40 with stylish clothes, looks on with disdain and points at a few crumbs the waitress missed.
MAXINE, 40 with classic clothes, looks around to be sure no one is seated near them.
WAITRESS
Sorry, I should have had your usual table ready for you. Your friend joining you?
RENEE
Yes, she should be here soon.
WAITRESS
Usual drinks?
MAXINE
(smiles in delight)
Yes.
WAITRESS
Coming right up.
Maxine and Renee get situated.
MAXINE
I hope Connie finds something other than sweats today. Her wardrobe is anything but classy.
RENEE
Very true.
Renee leans in.
RENEE
Your brothers were here this weekend, weren’t they?
MAXINE
Yes. They wantesd to stage and intervention, you kno, mom’s drinking? They convinced her to go to rehab.
RENEE
I’m so sorry. That must have been so difficult for you.
MAXINE
The boys did most of the talking. You won’t tell anyone, will you? I don’t want Connie to find out about my mom’s drinking — or the rehab.
RENEE
I promised I wouldn’t tell, so of course I won’t.
MAXINE
It was so hard. She cried, my brothers begged. It was awful.
CONNIE, 40, wearing a denim jumpsuit, sloppy loafers and her hair haphazardly pulled into a pony tail enters the restaurant.
RENEE
Here comes Connie. We’ll have to talk later. Oh lord, she’s wearing that awful denim jump suit again. Try to ignore it.
MAXINE
That may not be possible.
RENEE
Connie, have a seat!
Connie sits. She meets the eyes of Renee and Maxine in turn, then speaks.
CONNIE
What have you two been talking about so earnestly. I’m not interrupting, am I?
RENEE
Nothing.
Maxine gives Renee a worried look, then answers.
MAXINE
Nothing at all.
Connie looks from one to the other.
CONNIE
Oh, that.
Renee shakes her head slightly to Connie and Maxine stiffens, looking from Renee to Connie in a combination of fear and disbelief.
MAXINE
What do you mean, “oh, that”?
Connie looks to Renee for guidance, but it’s obvious she knows what they must have been talking about.
Maxine looks like she may cry.
Renee looks guilty and uncomfortable, but reaches for Maxine’s hand in a soothing gesture.
RENEE
We honestly didn’t know for sure whether it was you or your mother that had the alcohol problem.
CONNIE
I do the bookwork for the liquor store so I saw payments from you or your mom nearly every day.
Renee pats Maxine’s hand and she pulls it away.
MAXINE
You told her I was worried about my mom?
Renee shakes her head, nods, shakes it again and Maxine’s lip trembles.
CONNIE
It’s easy to tell from the receipts when there’s a problem in a household. We saw the cars at your place over the weekend and wondered. When you came in this morning for your usual, well –
Connie trails off.
RENEE
I was actually relieved when you said the intervention was for your mom. My mom had hinted at it a while ago, but she said she wasn’t sure if it was you or your mom.
MAXINE
So you’ve been comparing notes for a while and neither of you considered just asking me? And you, Renee, you said you didn’t tell anyone.
RENEE
I didn’t. My mom and Connie both talked to me about it — separately — because they know we’re good friends. We are good friends, Maxine. That’s why we’re here.
CONNIE
I only see the store receipts, not what was purchased, of course, but from the dollar amount, I thought it was enough for two or enough to kill just one of you.
Maxine tears up and sounds defensive.
MAXINE
My mom has expensive taste. She buys the pricy stuff.
Connie softens.
CONNIE
I didn’t mean to offend.
RENEE
We’re your friends, Maxine, not enemies. Relax.
The waitress brings their drinks.
WAITRESS
One malt liquor. We keep this behind for bar just for you.
She sets a drink in front of Maxine. Connie and Renee exchange a look and Maxine sees it and becomes more agitated.
WAITRESS
And white wines for both of you. Ready to order?
RENEE
Not yet. Give us a few minutes.
MAXINE
I suppose now you think I have a problem too because I had a scotch now and then with my mom. She always wanted me to join her.
Renee and Connie exchange a long look and both look at Maxine with pity.
MAXINE
What? What are you staring at me for?
RENEE
We’re glad your mom’s getting help. She obviously needs it.
Renee and Connie exchange another glance.
MAXINE
What else?
RENEE
She seems to have gotten you hooked too. It might be good for you to join your mother. I’ll housesit for you.
CONNIE
I’ll housesit for you.
Maxine looks horrified.
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I like the way you evolved the scene, Janeen. It’s subtle, but I do find Maxine to be naïve regarding Renee’s and Connie’s intentions. Because the way that Renee and Connie intervene with Maxine seems pretty sensible to me (particularly since they are such good friends), the way the traits are displayed might not be enough to call Renee (or Connie) ‘pious do-gooders’. But that is a stylistic thing… and the way you’ve handled it works. But depending on the reader, Renee and Connie may come off as quite sincere rather than pious. You might have to punch it up (with Renee in particular) to show that Renee clearly has an agenda behind what she’s doing that is pious – and what the reason for that is (maybe religious?). What that reason and agenda is would need to be developed.
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Hi Janeen, you have a very interesting and poignant scene here. Renee and Maxine’s traits and subtext are expressed well. The opening is excellent as you show Renee’s prissy trait solely through action, which then sets the tone for the rest of the scene. Her outgoing and conformist traits work well with the subject matter you presented. And her pious do-gooder trait that also serves as her subtext drives much of the scene. Maxine’s trait, emotionally wounded, also helps drive the scene from her perspective. She could be snobbish considering she has expensive tastes in liquor. Being naive does put her on the defensive especially when she’s blindsided with the news that her “friends” know about her family’s drinking problems. Many of the interest techniques work well in your scene. I think your entire scene is structured with the “uncomfortable moment” technique allowing it to flow throughout. The dynamic among the characters has us create a future for them. At the end Maxine is faced with a dilemma: accept her friends help and swallow some pride or completely decline any help, which in each case she would be losing something. This leaves us with a cliffhanger! I had an idea with the “something unseen” technique. Maybe Maxine or Renee notices Maxine’s mother behaving strangely outside the restaurant causing them to react uncomfortably at the table. This could have Maxine’s paranoid trait come into play a bit more. Overall, a great job done!
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This re-write is more fun than the last version. I like how Maxine’s character comes to life near the conclusion. I was suspicious that Maxine was not only tricky but annoying enough to want to wound Renee, knowing that Jerry was already with her. Good work.
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Kathleen Schank
Logline: Maxine can’t help being annoying enough to get thrown out of her room at the house she shares with Renee, her daughter Anne-Marie and their landlady Carrie. When she gets jealous of Renee’s boyfriend Raoul, the secret she had told her is out and hurts Annie’s feelings.
Essence: Maxine is an obnoxious roommate who is used to getting what she wants by being confrontational and just slightly manic depressed. Hopefully she learns from Renee that this will only work to her disadvantage.
RENEE
Traits
– Prissy
– Devious
– Outgoing
– Conformist
Changes to – Liberal
Subtext: Renee is a devious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE
Traits
– Tricky
– Snobbish
Changes to defiant
– Paranoid
– Emotionally Wounded
Changes to – Schizophrenic… or manic depressive
Subtext: Maxine is an tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
INT HOME THAT IS RENTED BY SEVERAL WOMEN, ONE HAS A CHILD.
The women are Renee and her young child, a toddler Anne-Marie. Maxine who is crazy and the owner who’s name is Carrie.
Renee opens the door and comes out of her room in the ranch house. She is bright and wearing a dress, her neat child sits in the room playing. Another room mate Maxine, is coming into the living room to sit on the sofa. She is dressed in her sloppy shirt, and has neglected hair and a frown.
RENEE
Hi, Maxine. I haven’t seen you, how are you? I was just doing some cleaning in the house.
MAXINE
Hi Renee. How’s Annie?
RENEE
Annie’s fantastic. You know you can clean the kitchen, if you want.
MAXINE
No, I don’t clean. Did I hear you say you’re going to the 7/11 store? I need some beer.
RENEE
I would pick you up a couple of cans, but honestly Maxine, you shouldn’t be drinking beer all day long. I can’t help you this time. Something bothering you?
MAXINE
I’m still on unemployment. I have no car right now, and my loans aren’t paid. I have no man besides my Dad who is like going to kill me.
RENEE
Afraid of your Dad, or of being murdered? My daughter’s not afraid of her Daddy.
MAXINE
You had over someone didn’t you? A boyfriend? Who is he, some kind of excuse for her father? He looked so boring.
RENEE
That was my boyfriend over. Don’t tell her, but her Daddy and I are split up… we never intended to marry.
MAXINE
What? Oh- he’s not your boyfriend.
RENEE
Nope. Just don’t tell her but I‘m not marrying her Daddy, I might marry someone else.
MAXINE
Okay. Is that what you were making all that noise for, the night he slept here?
RENEE
Noise? No, we didn’t make noise. You were blasting weird music all night and we couldn’t sleep.
MAXINE
Really? It was soothing. All I could do was toss and turn hearing your um- your- noise.
RENEE
Maybe it was louder because of your jealousy. And- we do whatever we want as long as my child is happy.
MAXINE
(Very upset and mad)
Really? Oh, I see. First you won’t help me get to the store. Secondly, you think I’m a noisy woman and thirdly you make me a jealous person? Why do I have to live next to a chick like you anyways?!
Renee’s telephone rings.
RENEE
Excuse me a moment. I have got to make a call.
She steps into her room, and calls someone on the phone.
(Enter) Anne-Marie. She is playful and wearing a diaper.
MAXINE
Hi, Anne-Marie.
ANNE-MARIE
Hi.
MAXINE
So, Anne-Marie. You are so cute! What do you want to play?
ANNE-MARIE
Let’s play dolls! Here you take this girl…
Maxine holds a doll playfully.
MAXINE
Did Mom’s boyfriend say he’s going to stay here with you? Do you like him?
Anne-Marie laughs and bounces up and down repeatedly on the sofa.
MAXINE
Guess what- he’s not your daddy. That’s your forever Daddy, but her boyfriend- isn’t. He’s just going to stay here to wear out his welcome.
Anne-Marie starts crying.
ANNE-MARIE
W-a-a-! You’re stupid.
MAXINE
Hmm? Don’t be sad! I’m sure you’re Dad isn’t mad at you like mine is at me.
ANNE-MARIE
No!
RENEE
Anne-Marie, what’s wrong?
Grabs her daughter and holds her.
MAXINE
I told her that your F**k buddy wasn’t her Dad…! I did, just now. Kids should know the truth… Ha! Okay, Anne-Marie, right?
RENEE
How could you! I just had my boyfriend on the phone, he’s coming over. He’ll stay as often as he wants.
MAXINE
I guess I just won’t be able to sleep at night.
Enter landlady.
CARRIE
Hello ladies! Hello Anne-Marie. What is all this noise about?
MAXINE
I’m depressed. I can’t sleep because Renee isn’t married.
CARRIE
Maxine, your loud music kept me awake last night. If you want to play music that loud I’ll have to ask you to vacate.
MAXINE
Loud? No, that wasn’t. What’s loud was her bumpin’ all night long, that’s what! Didn’t you hear the noise?
RENEE
Bumpin’! How dare you! That’s my room not yours. She is perfectly comfortable with my boyfriend there.
MAXINE
Okay, well- I had to pump up the jam to cover up the sound of you two…!
Enter boyfriend, Raoul who is dressed neatly in a sports jersey.
RAOUL
Hello girls. How’s our Annie? Carrie, I can’t thank you enough for helping me and Renee. After her baby’s Daddy left her with nothing, I stepped in to help support her and this child. When my job slowed down we were so worried, Now we’re doing fine!
RENEE
Raoul is just a lucky find, we are very happy thanks to you Carrie.
MAXINE
I think you’re child should be happy, she was just crying.
CARRIE
Uh, Maxine- you’re too annoying. You haven’t cleaned the bathroom, emptied the kitchen trash can, or washed the dishes in I can’t remember when because I do it for you! You’re a lazy drunk and I want you out.
MAXINE
I’m not leaving.
CARRIE
I’m sorry but you have to or I’ll call the police to settle this argument.
MAXINE
So, call them. I haven’t done anything wrong.
-
Kathleen,
Maxine’s traits come through in the dialogue very clearly. I didn’t see a lot of Renee’s in her dialogue (Prissy, Devious, Liberal, Outgoing (maybe some outgoing). Devious was clear when she was chiding Maxine about jealousy although that was more insulting.
Maxine was clearly Tricky, Defiant, Paranoid? Emotionally Wounded. Maxine apparently wanted to hurt Renee (and her little girl) by taking her own anger at her father out on Anne-Marie and Raoul.
You got in a lot of interest techniques: a Hook, Dilemma, Predictions, Creating a Future and some seriously Uncomfortable Moments. Nice work!
-
-
QE#4 Re-Write This scene
Logline: Maxine uses Renee’s professional makeup skills to fool everyone into thinking she has cancer.
Essence: Renee’s career takes off with Maxine’s downfall.
The trait I changed was Maxine’s Paranoid trait to Self Righteous.
FADE IN:
INT. MAXINE’S ROOM – AFTERNOON
MAXINE, 25 skinny but not frail, lays in hospice bed looking out the window longingly. There is a beeping sound coming from the machine attached to her arm.
Her mother JANE 65, sits by her bed holding her hand sobbing. We can’t see her eyes through her gaudy sunglasses to match her gaudy jewelry.
MAXINE
It’s okay mom. I’m going to beat this thing.
JANE
Has Brad called?
Maxine snaps her head to look at her mom. Maxines’s face looks as though she has seen more chemo in the past month than food.
MAXINE
No! And he can, he can just go to hell. Him and his little hussy.
Her mom tilts her head in confusion.
JANE
I thought he was just on a break, like with what happened with your father?
Maxine shakes her head and looks out the window again.
MAXINE
He isn’t on a break mom. He has left but I’m hopeful he will come back when he sees me in this state.
JANE
Oh baby. I’m so sorry. You should have told me.
MAXINE
Well I would have but, I was. I was too ashamed.
They both start to cry. Maxine presses a button on her bed and she looks at the door. The room is as big as a two bedroom apartment and just as gaudy as Jane’s jewelry.
She looks at the door annoyed and presses the button again. The door opens, RENEE 27, short blue colored hair and dressed in a nurse’s smock enters.
RENEE
Yes ma’am whatcha need.
MAXINE
Well the attitude is a bit much Renee, maybe tone it down.
Renee makes her way to the bed, and looks at Maxine’s face. She grabs Maxine’s chin and slowly turns her head side to side and up and down.
RENEE
I can be formal or I can be precise. And formal doesn’t really help you now does it?
She lets go of Maxine’s chin. Maxine nods toward her mother.
MAXINE
This is my mother Jane. Maybe you could tell her what is going on with my health.
Renee rolls her eyes, and looks at the leathery gaudy LA old money next to her. Renee extends her hand, Jane does not take it.
RENEE
Hello, Mrs. Kline!
JANE
That’s Ms. Kurtz.
RENEE
Well, Ms. Kurtz I’ve been working with Max here…
Jane looks at Maxine and whispers.
JANE
You let her call you Max? Only your dad called you that.
MAXINE
No. I don’t and please Renee address me as Maxine. It’s my given name and I would implore you to use it or lose your employ.
JANE
That’s my girl.
Renee narrows her eyes.
RENEE
Sure thing Ms. Maxine. I’m sure I misspoke. Please forgive my rudeness. I can just move that scarf and show…
Maxine eyes open wide as she cuts her off.
MAXINE
No! That’s quite alright Renee, please continue.
Renee has a buzz on her phone and pulls it out of her pocket. She opens it and looks at the message.
PHONE MESSAGE
Just saw your Tik-Tok. Great makeup work! Call me when you get a chance.
She smiles and looks at the room.
MAXINE
Well get on with it my mother has a right to know and your messages can wait.
RENEE
Well Ms. Maxine, someone at Rick Baker’s liked my work. So I might be taking a new gig. So sorry. Oh and your daughter has stage 2 breast cancer, so sorry.
Maxine looks at Renee worried.
RENEE
(With no emotion)Well she is fighting and I’m sure she’ll beat this thing, (At Maxine, annoyed) Soon.
Jane wails loudly. Renee rolls her eyes, and looks at Maxine who mouths “Thank you.” Renee shrugs. Jane cuts her crying short.
JANE
Why do I know that name?
MAXINE
What name mom?
JANE
Rick. Baker, isn’t he that nice fellow that did the makeup on your father’s films so long ago?
Maxine eyes widen with fear as a slow smile creeps on Renee’s face. Jane doesn’t notice.
MAXINE
I’m sure it’s not the same guy mom.
RENEE
Yeah there’s lots of Rick Baker’s in the world. I wouldn’t read too much into it.
Renee’s phone buzzes again.
PHONE MESSAGE
Brad: holy shit she is that hard up for attention. Tell her I’m never coming back and her sister knows of the ruse.
Renee looks scared.
RENEE
Oh shit.
MAXINE
What, oh shit?
Renee shrugs and makes an oops smirk.
RENEE
Guess the cat’s out of the bag.
MAXINE
What was that last message?
Jane cries louder. Renee shakes her head and shows Maxine the message. Maxine screams.
RENEE
Umm. I posted some of my work. And it’s fucking great work, and I’m not sorry for making my mark.
MAXINE
This was supposed to be my opus.
RENEE
Well it looks like it’s mine, and frankly I’m glad.
The intercom goes off in the bedroom. Renee answers it.
RENEE
Hello? Who’s calling?
A woman’s voice is heard over the speaker. It’s SASHA, Maxine’s sister
SASHA (V.O.)
Hey bitch! Buzz me in I gotta talk to her.
JANE
Oh dear Sasha is here buzz her in.
Renee buzzes her in. All three women listen to the stomping of footsteps, until they reach the door. Sasha flings the door open and pushes past Renee, who doesn’t stop her.
MAXINE
Home wrecker! I’m very ill so…
Sasha moves past her mom and looks directly at her sisters face.
SASHA
You bitch. Had us all fooled!(Looks at Renee) Great work Renee.
Sasha grabs at her sisters head scarf. The two scream and fight. Sasha pulls off the scarf and a bald cap revealing her sisters full head of hair. Jane screams loudly.
SASHA
Thought so.
Maxine cries in anger. Jane screams and Renee curses.
JANE
What’s going on here?
SASHA
Renee did all this makeup to help her trick us mom.(To Renee) Really great work by the way! It’s amazing!
RENEE
I aim to please. How’s Brad?
Jane swivels her head between her two daughters, mouth agape.
-
Rewrite for QE Cycle #4 Scene
LOGLINE: Two sorority sisters hide their true feelings from each other that leads to dire consequences.
ESSENCE: Secrets do not stay hidden for too long.
TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine’s Snobbish to Vengeful
Scene:
EXT. BEHIND SORORITY HOUSE – NIGHT
MAXINE (20) sulks on a bench alone. She wipes the tears with her sleeve and looks around to make sure no one sees her.
In moments, RENEE (21) strolls outside with a drink and hanky in hand. She spots Maxine, nods assertively and makes her move. She cleans the bench with her hanky before sitting.
RENEE
Come on, Maxine. We’re all supposed to be inside enjoying ourselves.
MAXINE
I can’t. Bucky’s inside.
RENEE
Your secret is safe with me.
MAXINE
I wanted to wait until I got married.
Renee smirks knowing she holds personal information.
RENEE
We will always be friends.
She puts down her drink and thoroughly cleans her hands.
RENEE
Let’s go for a walk. It’s a cool breezy night.
Renee stands up and waits for Maxine who looks around.
RENEE
We’ll be fine. It’s just us.
MAXINE
Yeah. It’s a nice night.
Maxine gets up and looks around. Then they walk down the grassy field.
RENEE
Do you know who’s going to be next sorority president?
MAXINE
No.
RENEE
Me. You’ll see.
They proceed through the field as they’re watched by someone behind the trees.
RENEE
And as president, I’ll make our sorority the best on campus.
MAXINE
You’re forever making promises, Renee.
Maxine continues to look around and pays little attention to what Renee says.
RENEE
Are you Ok?
MAXINE
I feel like we’re being followed.
RENEE
Bucky has really ruined you?
MAXINE
I won’t be the only one. Soon enough.
RENEE
Remember, our families contribute immensely to this university. So stay level-headed.
Maxine perks up a bit.
MAXINE
Why don’t we sit here and see if we can identify any constellations.
Maxine and Renee sit on the grassy earth.
RENEE
I hope you don’t want to stay out here the whole night. We are hosting a party.
Maxine checks her cell phone.
MAXINE
Just a few minutes. We won’t be long.
RENEE
Why did you choose this spot?
MAXINE
Because there’s extra fresh air right here.
Suddenly, there are SCREAMS coming from the lawn behind them.
RENEE
What’s going on?
TWO FEMALES, completely naked run down the field YELLING in a frenzy. They are chased by TWO MALE PARTY PATRONS.
They all run past Renee and Maxine who appear embarrassed.
RENEE
We should go inside and calm things down.
MAXINE
The party’s just getting started.
RENEE
This is not a good image for us.
MAXINE
You’re worried about our image?
Maxine turns around as Bucky (21) pops out from the darkness. He’s well-groomed with a football quarterback build.
MAXINE
Bucky?
BUCKY
Maxine can we talk?
MAXINE
When and where I decide. Then we talk.
BUCKY
We had something special. All I do is think about you.
MAXINE
I’m sure the whole football team knows.
BUCKY
Nobody knows. Only us.
Renee attempts to avoid attention by staring at the sky.
MAXINE
You expect me to believe that.
BUCKY
I’m not some dumb jock. I’m a person who feels.
MAXINE
I have to go for now. But, you’ll hear from me.
Maxine hops to her feet and starts to walk away.
BUCKY
No. Let me take you home.
Renee stands up and slowly strides beside Maxine.
MAXINE
I’ll be fine.
As Maxine and Renee head out, THREE SORORITY SISTERS rush towards them.
SASSY SORORITY SISTER #1
(pointing at Maxine)
She’s a woman now!
JOYOUS SORORITY SISTER #2
No more innocence, but love is in the air!
Maxine is horrified as the rest of the sorority make their way outside with eyes on her.
MAXINE
(to Renee)
You’d do anything to have the upper hand.
RENEE
It’s a joke gone bad. Nobody was suppose to know.
BUCKY
That’s proof, Maxine! Who are you gonna believe?!
RENEE
We’re sisters. I’ll do anything to make things right.
BUCKY
Trust me, Maxine.
Maxine pauses and stares down Renee and Bucky. Silence takes over as everyone waits for Maxine.
RENEE
This is all silly games.
BUCKY
It’s a misunderstanding.
Maxine marches out.
RENEE
What is she gonna do?
BUCKY
This is all your fault.
RENEE
Mine?
Renee runs to the sorority house. Followed by Bucky. Everyone’s curiosity goes wild as they all give pursuit.
-
QE #4
Logline: As the bride prepares to walk down the aisle, a secret is revealed that scuttles the nuptials.
Essence: Two can keep a secret if one is dead.
Trait changed: Renee’s conformist trait is now pessimistic.
INT. DRESSING ROOM – DAY
Luscious bouquets of white and yellow roses, six giggling bride’s maids, and the bridezilla, EMMIE, are putting the final glamming touches in place before the wedding ceremony begins.
RENEE, the maid of honor, and MAXINE, the slightly chubby bride’s maid number 6, stand away from the others in the wedding party. Maxine tugs white hosiery up her chunky legs. Renee stands close, checking her already perfect cuticles.
RENEE
Dirk isn’t saying anything, not with his meal ticket signed, sealed, and delivered in less than sixty minutes. Still, I can’t shake this feeling. You’ll never tell, right?
MAXINE
And ruin Emmie’s big day? Why would I do that to my sister?
She struggles to pull up one leg of her hose. Emmie notices.
EMMIE
Max! You promised to lose that last ten pounds!
Maxine wriggles her leg into the hose.
MAXINE
There! You happy?
EMMIE
(pouts)Stand in the back during pictures! I don’t want my pictures ruined!
The other bride’s maids shoot accusing looks toward MAXINE.
RENEE
Emmie, we won’t let anything ruin your special day. Right, girls?The bride’s maids cheer, giggle some more.
Someone knocks on the door.
EMMIE
Renee, tell them I still have ten minutes. I’m using all of them!More giggles. Renee moves to the door, puts her ear to the door.
RENEE
(through the door)
We still have ten minutes! Go away!A muffled voice.
RENEE
A what?She opens the door a crack. Looks out.
RENEE
A gift? Right now?Emmie jumps up and rushes to the door, shoves Renee aside.
EMMIE
It must be from Dirk! He knows how much I love surprises!RENEE
Em, you’ll mess your hair!Emmie snatches a large Tiffany-blue box from someone outside. Pulls it into the room.
The bride’s maids, including Renee and Maxine, gather around. Emmie shakes the box.
EMMIE
It’s so light!MAXINE
(smiles)
Wow, from Tiffany’s? Dirk must have something really special for you, Sis, if he can’t even wait till after the ceremony.Emmie yanks off the white bow, tosses it to the ground, pulls off the lid, and stares down.
EMMIE
An envelope?MAXINE
A gift certificate, maybe?RENEE
Um, Em, this can wait. It’s probably not even from Dirk.She pulls away the box.
MAXINE
But he knows Em loves Tiffany. Didn’t he get you a Tiffany’s bracelet last year? It must be from Dirk.Emmie grabs back the box from Renee, gives her an accusing look.
EMMIE
My man loves me.She removes the envelope, tears it open, unfolds a crisp single, white sheet. She reads aloud.
EMMIE
Dear Miss Fortner, while you were away on business in May, your fiancé, Dirk Lester …Renee yanks the paper away.
RENEE
It’s time, Emmie! Let’s go, everyone! I’ll keep this safe until after the ceremony!Emmie holds out her hand, her gaze like steel. Renee swallows hard.
EMMIE
You … and Dirk? You cheap, cheating …MAXINE
(smiles)
Whore?
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