Day 18 Assignment

[Judith Watson]

JUDITH’S REWRITE OF SCENE LESSON 17

ESSENCE: An opportunity to receive a promotion presents itself.

LOGLINE: A woman helps out another woman at work.

CHANGED OUTGOING TO IMPATIENT

INT. OFFICE BUILDING – WOMAN’S RESTROOM – DAY

The door flies open. MAXINE,27, rushes into the room. Her hair is disheveled. A panic look on her face. Her mascara smeared on her cheeks.

She looks in the mirror. Shakes her head and hides in a stall.

RENEE,25, enters. Well kept and looking great, she moves to the mirror. Combs her hair and makes sure every strand is in place. Checks her clothing. Sighs, likes what she sees.

Turning to leave she hears a whimper. She looks about. Listens. There it goes again.

RENEE

Hello…Someone in here?

Silence.

Looking under the stalls…

RENEE

I see your feet. You need help?

The door opens slowly. Maxine peaks out. Renee steps back. Turns, almost laughs. She smooths down her clothing and turns toward Maxine.

Maxine steps out of the stall a pleading look on her face.

RENEE

What happened to you?

MAXINE

You’re not going to tell anyone?

RENEE

Tell them what?

MAXINE

About this?

She moves her hands in front of her body.

RENEE

What is this? Out with it. If you don’t want to be found, out with it.

Maxine stares at Renee.

MAXINE

I know we haven’t been friends…

RENEE

Whose fault is that?

Maxine looks down at her feet, avoiding eye contact.

MAXINE

Can I trust you?

RENEE

Quit pissing around. I don’t have all day.

Renee moves to the door.

MAXINE

Don’t leave. I need your help.

RENEE

I’m going to lock the door. You don’t want anyone else in here, do you?

Turning away to latch the lock, Renee secretly pulls out her iphone. She pushes a button to record. Turns back to Maxine, smiles. Walks calmly toward her.

Maxine watches her calmly move toward her. She relaxes and smiles back.

MAXINE

Thank you. Can you keep a secret?

RENEE

First, let’s get you cleaned up.

She pulls mascara and a brush from her purse. Maxine washes her face. Dries it with a paper towel. Looks at Renee ever thankful.

She applies the mascara. Brushes her hair.

RENEE

Good, you look presentable. Now are you going to tell me what’s wrong?

Maxine hesitates.

RENEE

Out with it or I will leave.

MAXINE

Okay…Can you keep a secret?

RENEE

I thought that’s what we’re talking about.

Maxine paces back and forth. Renee looks in the mirror. Smiles at herself.

RENEE

Out with it or I am leaving…

MAXINE

Okay. I had a accident.

RENEE

Big deal.

Maxine bits her lower lip. Sighs.

MAXINE

A hit and run.

Renee’s eyes grow big. She nods at Maxine. Waves her to go on.

Maxine fans herself. Renee stares at her.

RENEE

Out with it.

MAXINE

Okay, I hit a teenager on a bike and I took off.

Pleading eyes stare at Renee. She moves over and hugs Maxine. Her look pure pleasure.

RENEE

Okay, where’s your car?

MAXINE

I left it in a parking lot at Rubios cafe. I panicked. I didn’t mean to leave him there. I was just so scared. I don’t know what to do.

RENEE

I’ll handle it. You go out and go to work. I’ll make an excuse, say I’m sick. I need to go home.

MAXINE

You’d do that for me after how I’ve treated you?

RENEE

We’re all human. No go to work.

Maxine leaves. Renee watches her leave. She rubs her hands together. Pure joy on her face. She shuts off her iphone recording.

EXT. POLICE STATION – DAY

A dent-up car pulls to the front of the building. Renee steps out. She walks up to the door, whistling.

[George Verongos]

QE Cycle #4, REWRITE

Logline: A day of shopping at the mall ends in a mess of emotional turmoil and deceit.

Essence: There are no such things as personal problems.

The trait I changed:

Renee: from Prissy to Blunt

INT. NICE UPPER-CLASS HOME – DAY

MAXINE (17) and her mother are whispering in the foyer.

MAXINE

She does it all the time, Mom. Not just this morning.

MOM

Okay, baby. Thanks for telling me. I’ll take care of it.

MAXINE

Please don’t tell her I told you. Please?

INT. TESLA – LATER

RENEE (18) sits gazing out the front passenger seat window of the family’s Tesla, and her sister, Maxine, is sitting in the backseat looking at her new iPhone. They are in their driveway waiting for their mother so they can all go to the mall.

MAXINE

(leaning forward)

Do I look fat in this picture, Ren? I don’t wanna post it if I look fat.

Maxine holds her phone in front of Renee’s face.

MAXINE

The cameras on these iPhone 13 Pro Max are almost too good.

RENEE

IPhone 13? Why do you have a brand-new phone and I have this old iPhone 7?

Renee waves her phone around in the air.

RENEE

Why did Mom get you a new phone and not me?

MAXINE

Oh, Mom didn’t buy this. Ryan bought it for me. Wasn’t that sweet of him?

RENEE

Ryan, bought you that? Those phones are over a grand, easy. What did you do fuck him for it?

MAXINE

No. I’m a virgin thank you very much. You know I’m saving myself for my true love.

RENEE

Uh, what about Phillip? You guys dated for a year and humped like rabbits? Every night you didn’t sneak out to go have sex with him, you would keep me up all night hysterical thinking he was cheating on you.

MAXINE

I erased that person from my past. And I have reclaimed my virginity, so it’s like it never happened

RENEE

(acquiescing)

Okay, okay, you’re a virgin. (rolls eyes, turns back toward the window) Fuck.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

RENEE

(trying to lighten the mood)

What did you tell Ryan that made him buy a new phone? In case I want to make some simp buy me a new iPhone.

MAXINE

I just sort of hinted to him that if I were to lose my virginity in high school, he was near the top of the list.

RENEE

Then he was just like, ‘Here’s a new iPhone to bump me up to the top of your dudes-I-might-let-pop-my-cherry list.’?

MAXINE

No, Ren, Ryan’s an idiot. I had to suggest it to him.

RENEE

You told Ryan you might give your virginity to him, maybe, and if he got you the newest most expensive iPhone, you might consider him a little more? You just said he was an idiot. Are you even attracted to him?

MAXINE

(smiling)

Yeah. Pretty clever, huh? And ewe, he’s a troll. Even if he was hot, I couldn’t be seen with him. His parents are teachers and drive Toyotas. So, middle-class.

RENEE

You are shady, sis. And manipulative. You’re just using him.

MAXINE

No I’m not. We both get something out of it.

RENEE

Do tell.

MAXINE

Well, I get this kick-ass phone, and Ryan gets to live in hope.

Renee gives Maxine a look of disapproval over her shoulder.

MAXINE

What? I gave him something to look forward to, possibly.

RENEE

He has no chance, does he?

MAXINE

Zero. But he doesn’t have to know that. And no one’s going to tell him, are they?

RENEE

I want no part of this… unless there’s an iPhone 13 Pro Max in it for me, too. I’ll tell ya what, Max, I’ll keep your dirty little secret if you give me that phone. It’s a win-win, I get a new phone and you get hope, hope I don’t tell Ryan.

MAXINE

Ha ha. Very funny, Ren. And now we’re even. You know a secret about me and I know a secret about you.

Renee turns in her seat and gives Maxine a quizzical look.

RENEE

Secret? What secret?

MAXINE

You know…

Maxine mimics sticking her finger down her own throat.

RENEE

(angry)

Maxine. You promised to never mention that.

MAXINE

Don’t worry. I told you I wouldn’t tell anyone. And now you have the insurance of my secret.

RENEE

It’s only until the pageant, and then I’ll stop with the puking. I promise. This is my last pageant before college, and I deserve to win, no matter what.

The girls’ MOM comes out the front door of the house and gets in the driver’s seat. She has furrowed brow and seems preoccupied.

MOM

Sorry, I took so long, girls.

RENEE

No prob. (beat) Everything okay?

Mom puts the car into gear and pulls out of the drive. She pretends to be too occupied to look at Renee.

MOM

Yeah, baby. Momma’s just fine.

Maxine looks up from her phone.

RENEE

You sure? Cause you just said ‘Momma’s just fine’ and we all know that when you say that you are anything but just fine.

MAXINE

Yeah, Mom. What’s wrong?

MOM

(agitated and overly focused on driving)

Nothing is wrong. Now stop it you too.

RENEE

OMG, I saw the cutest dress on Nordy’s online. I hope they have my size.

MAXINE

(not looking up from phone)

What’s it look like?

RENEE

Dude, it is super short and black with tiny flowers all over it, and the flowers are kinda retro, very cool.

MAXINE

Sounds cool. Make sure it isn’t too small so I can borrow it.

RENEE

Pshh, you ain’t borrowing diddly.

Renee realizes they are going in the opposite direction of the mall.

RENEE

(looking around)

You sure you’re okay? Because the mall is like literally the other way.

MOM

I just have to make a quick stop before we go to the mall. Are errands a crime now?

RENEE

Where are we going?

MOM

Why all the questions? I just have to go somewhere.

RENEE

Okay, but where and why are you being so weird?

MAXINE

Yeah, Mom. You’re starting to scare me.

Mom shoots Maxine a dirty look in the review mirror.

MOM

Just hush, now. We’re almost there.

They drive for a few more awkward silent seconds, then they turn into an industrial park.

RENEE

(a little demanding)

Mom, where are we going? What is this place?

Mom ignores Renee. No one sees the tear leak out of Mom’s eye and run down her worried face. She pulls into a spot in front of a low-slung generic brick office building.

RENEE

(reading sign on building)

Dr Laura Montour, MD specializing in pediatric eating disorders. (turns to Maxine) You told her.

END SCENE

[Sandra Nelles]

Sandra’s QE Cycle #4 Rewrite

LOGLINE: Faced with a tight deadline, a publisher must decide whether to fire her assistant or not when the assistant leaks a secret.

ESSENCE: Maxine appears tough to protect her emotional vulnerability.

TRAIT CHANGED: Maxine’s paranoid trait changed to confrontational.

SCENE:

INT. PUBLISHING COMPANY OFFICE – DAY

MAXINE (50) stunning, tall, slender, perfectly put together without a hair out of place, owner of a successful publishing company. Sits at her desk and computer in her corner office with a spectacular view she sits at her desk.

RENEE (30) very attractive, sharp, average height and weight, perky, and impeccably dressed in a black suit, sits at her desk just outside Maxine’s office.

MAXINE

Renee, please bring me the mail.

Renee quickly slips an envelope into her desk drawer before bringing the neatly stacked mail to Maxine’s “In” box.

RENEE

Good Morning Maxine. Here you go. Did you read my manuscript?

MAXINE

Not yet. You are a great assistant, and have a lot of potential.

Maxine opens the top item.

RENEE

I’ll get your coffee.

Renee walks out and returns in a few minutes with a cup of coffee, a note pad and pen.

MAXINE

Please shut the door.

Renee shuts the door, drops the note pad and pen on the chair opposite Maxine’s desk. She sees Maxine is reading a letter from a Private Investigator. She spills a little coffee on Maxine’s desk as she sets it down. She immediately wipes it up with a napkin and throws the napkin in the trash can. Renee takes her place in the chair opposite Maxine’s desk. She sits down straightens her skirt and brushes some lint off her skirt.

MAXINE

Do you have any idea why I received a letter from a Private Investigator?

RENEE

Uh, no.

MAXINE

Do you remember when I hired you I told you I needed someone I could count on and trust? If you did what I said you could go far in this company, and if not you’d be fired and your career would be over?

RENEE

Yes, I remember. I’ve done everything you asked and more.

MAXINE

I’ve been testing you with confidential information, and I’ve been able to trust you up until now. (beat) This PI, who I did not contact, says he may be able to help find the baby I gave up for adoption 30 years ago.

RENEE

That’s great.

MAXINE

When I told you, I asked you not to share this information with anyone. (beat) There’s only two people who know about this baby. You and one other person, who is dead.

RENEE

I was just trying to help. I thought you’d want to know.

MAXINE

You betrayed my trust and if the year-end report wasn’t due to the Board of Directors next week, I’d fire you right now.

RENEE

Thank you.

MAXINE

You’re still on probation and I’ll be watching you closely. What’s on my schedule today and any messages?

RENEE

A junior high school wants you to speak at career day. You’ve got a meeting with Accounting at 9 am, Sales at 10:30 am ….

MAXINE

(cuts her off)

I only go to Ivy League and prestigious private schools… tell them my schedule is busy, maybe next year. Clear my afternoon calendar and I need you to work late this week.

Renee returns to her desk as Maxine goes through the rest of the mail. Maxine quickly wipes a tear away and takes a sip of coffee to compose herself. Renee telephones her boyfriend JACK.

RENEE

(whispering)

Hi sweetie, I can’t make it tonight. I need to work late.

JACK (O.S.)

Again? Did you tell her you deserve to be promoted?

RENEE

I dropped some hints. I’m waiting for the right time.

JACK (O.S.)

Let me know if you want me to bring you any dinner tonight. Love you.

RENEE

Love you too, bye.

MAXINE

Renee, bring me the accounting report.

Renee hands the report to Maxine.

MAXINE

Who was that on the phone?

RENEE

I was just letting my boyfriend know I would be working late. I rearranged your schedule as you asked.

MAXINE

What does he do?

RENEE

He’s an artist.

MAXINE

Is he famous or successful?

RENEE

Not yet.

MAXINE

If you want to be successful, you need to associate with successful people and not wannabe’s.

RENEE

You know I’ve been looking for my birth parents. (beat) Wouldn’t it be funny if you were my mother?

MAXINE

Or maybe your father. I was Max before I was Maxine.

[Amechi Ngwe]

QE CYCLE #4 – SECOND DRAFT

LOGLINE: Renee learns that Maxine is being blackmailed and sneaks her out of their party.

ESSENCE: Renee lied to Maxine about keeping the secret to get her in trouble with the media.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Renee’s PRISSY to DEPRESSED

SCENE:

INT. MANSION – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Grand and empty. A space for looking at rather than living in.

Hurried high-heeled footsteps sound outside then… The door bangs open.

MAXINE GREEN, 50s, hurries in, scared, and closes the door quietly behind her. She moves to the center of the room, head on a swivel, expecting to see someone. She’s clutching a crumpled sheet of paper in her hand.

MAXINE
Anyone in here?

No answer. She grabs a pillow from a sofa and screams into it, muffling the sound. She jumps as the door bangs open–

RENEE CROWE, 50s, enters. Ending a conversation with someone outside. Renee closes the door but Maxine has disappeared.

RENEE
Maxine?

Maxine stays low on the couch. Trying to hide. Renee moves deeper into the room, searching.

RENEE

I saw you come in here…
(Spots her)

There you are. You’re not hiding from us are you?

Maxine doesn’t answer.

RENEE
Maxine. This is your night! Everyone’s looking for you and I can’t keep singing your praises to them. They want to see your face.

RENEE
Do they want to kill me?

RENEE
What? No, silly goose. We want to congratulate you.

Maxine’s lip trembles. Renee sees her pain and sits beside her.

RENEE
What’s going on? Is it the…?

MAXINE
You swore not to tell anyone.

RENEE
I know how secrets work.

MAXINE
Well, someone knows…

Maxine offers Renee the paper. Renee unballs it and reads.

RENEE
Oh god…

MAXINE
Who wrote this?

RENEE

This hurts me too. I’m your right hand gal in this charity. I can’t believe that one of our friends out there is capable of writing this.

MAXINE

It has to have been one of those do-gooders out there. The way they look at me.

RENEE
That’s just jealousy, hun. They’d love to be in your Christian Louboutins.

MAXINE

I can’t face them. At least one of them thinks I stole their money. Maybe they all know…

RENEE
I thought you put the money back?

MAXINE

I did! But if I tell them I had to cover some credit card payments, no one will understand that!

RENEE

I’m no different to anyone else and I understand. Life’s no beach for me either.

MAXINE

Renee, I know life is hard, but you have no idea… no idea how hard it is to run a children’s charity! I have to smile, no matter how I feel!

RENEE

I get it friend. I’ll get you out of here.

Renee gets Maxine out of her seat.

Through the window we see a NEWS TRUCK drive up the pathway outside.

HALLWAY

Renee walks Maxine down the hallway away from the ballroom where well-heeled people are mingling.

RENEE

You know, when you asked me to do this with you, I didn’t hesitate. I love my job, but isn’t your position taking too much of a toll on you?

MAXINE

How would you feel? If some lowlife was trying to bribe you for helping sick children!

RENEE

Well, if the question is to confess what you’ve done or pay the bribe—

MAXINE
I’m not paying some scumbag who’s afraid of facing me.

RENEE
So you’ll confess? Go to the media?

Maxine scoffs.

MAXINE

I’ll confess to my lawyers. They’ll fix this, and whoever’s trying to kill me.

RENEE

Not kill, bribe you. Maybe just paying would be cheaper than your lawyers. How are you going to pay them anyway? You know, with your money troubles?

Maxine stays quiet.

RENEE

The kids come first, right? That’s what I believe…

Maxine still doesn’t answer. They keep walking.

RENEE
And I thought you only borrowed a couple of thousand. The note says close to a million…

Maxine is near tears. She quickens her pace.

And they see a crowd of party goers ahead.

PARTY GUEST #1 waves and points at Maxine.

Maxine looks like she’s about to pass out.

RENEE
I was sure this hallway was empty.

Renee double takes at Maxine who is shaking like a leaf.

MAXINE

I—I can’t…

Renee steers Maxine for another door.

INT. KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS

The Caterers are setting more food and drinks onto trays. They look at the two women, puzzled at the intrusion.

RENEE

(to Caterers)

Keep up the good work everyone! The food’s great!

The Caterers smile and continue working. Renee leads Maxine toward the back door.

RENEE

What would you even do with all that money? You’re rich enough, right?

MAXINE
Exactly. Theft is so far beneath me…

Renee fixes Maxine’s hair. Then whips out a handkerchief for some low level maintenance on Maxine’s make-up.

RENEE

The fact that someone would think that someone of your stature was unfit to run such a distinguished and revered children’s charity… Well, that just makes me sick to my stomach. The good work we do together in the name of love can’t be measured. And some no good disgusting dirt bag trying to end what we do… I can’t have that. WE can’t have that.

MAXINE

(defiant)

We are going to destroy them.

RENEE

Maybe give ‘em a few choice words instead of physical violence… But yes, it’s going to be fine.

Maxine wipes away a few tears and smiles through her pain.

MAXINE

It is going to be fine.

RENEE

Unless… this person knows more than they’re letting on. Were they right with the high dollar amount?

MAXINE

I didn’t do anything wrong.

RENEE
Of course not. Public perception is so important.

Renee gives Maxine a wide smile. Maxine has a wary look on her face.

MAXINE

We’ll circle back to that raise you wanted next week?

RENEE
Unless you pay that bribe.

MAXINE
If I pay it, how do I know they’ll stop?

RENEE
You’ll have to trust them.

MAXINE
I trust you.

RENEE

And I trust you. I trust that if you have the opportunity you’ll do the right thing.

RENEE
Goodnight, Maxine. I’ll take it from here.

The two women hug. Renee pushes open the door and bundles Maxine through, out into–

EXT. MANSION – NIGHT

Maxine emerges and finds herself surrounded by news reporters. A gaggle of cameramen, lenses like a gaggle of cyclopes, bright lights, cameras flash. Microphones are shoved in her face. And a torrent of questions–

NEWS REPORTER
Maxine, how could you steal from children?

NEWS REPORTER #2

Maxine, are the allegations true?

NEWS REPORTER #3

Maxine, did you steal from the charity set up in your dead husband’s name?

Maxine is shellshocked, but recovers quickly. She turns up her nose and puts on a smile.

MAXINE
I don’t have to talk to you swine!

Maxine turns, tries the door. It’s locked.

As the reporters bombard her with more questions.

INSIDE
Renee, looking a little sad, leans against the door, listening.

OUTSIDE

Maxine still trying the door, she knocks on it with her fist. Getting anxious now.

REPORTER #1

Are you aware you will be facing criminal charges for defrauding a charity?

MAXINE

No… No comment.

REPORTER #2

What would you even do with the money? You’re rich enough, right?

And it clicks…

MAXINE

Renee…

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

Renee, stone-faced, looks at the caterers. She grabs a bottle of champagne.

RENEE
I wish I felt like celebrating.

END OF SCENE