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Day 19 Assignment
Reply to post your assignment.
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14 Replies
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Rebecca’s QE Cycle 4 revision feedback exchange
LONGLINE: Maxine loses her job at the post office when someone fingers her father as being a communist, she turns to Renee her longtime childhood friend.
ESSENCE: Maxine suspicions Renee for outing her father.
TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Maxine: snobbish changed to aloof
SCENE:
EXT. PARK – AFTERNOON
It is 1950 and MAXINE ( age 20 ) walks a path in Riverside Park, with her best and only friend RENEE ( also age 20). Suddenly,
MAXINE lets out a blood curdling scream. Other people in the park stare. Renee hides behind a tree.
MAXINE
God damned bucket son of a bitch. I hate snitches.
Renee looks distressed. But returns to Maxine’s side.
RENEE
Maxine, shhh, you’re scaring me. Everyone is looking at us.
Maxine pulls out plants by the roots and throws them in the air. Dirt sprinkles down on both of them.
Maxine wears rolled up jeans and a fresh pressed white long sleeved man’s shirt. Renee’s face looks professionally made up, her outfit a stylish black pencil skirt with twin sweater and cardigan. She carefully blows and brushes off dirt from her skit and sweaters. Maxine keeps on walking.
RENEE
What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you want to walk with me after work?
MAXINE
What’s wrong? I need a friend to talk to. Your the only one so you get to listen. Last week, the post master complimented my work. Yesterday he fired me.
Maxine dubs at her watering eyes.
RENEE
It could be how you dress.
Renee smooths wrinkles from her skirt and fluffs her hair.
MAXINE
What’s wrong with how I dress?
RENEE
You would look better in makeup and if you dressed a bit more trendy.
MAXINE
My clothes are clean. I press my uniform before going to work.
She stands tall and proud.
MAXINE (CONT.)
Jeans are perfect for a stroll in the park just like my shoes. Tears don’t leave dark mascara streaks on my cheeks. The boss didn’t let me go because of my dress or my work ethic.
Renee toddles along in heels and points to a bench.
RENEE
Let’s sit. My tootsies are killing me.
The girls sit on the bench. Renee removes a shoe and rubs her foot.
MAXINE
I don’t know how you can walk in those things let alone wear them all day.
RENEE
It takes talent. Besides, the dress department demands that we wear them.
MAXINE
Dress department? I thought you were in make-up.
Renee rubs her other foot.
RENEE
They switched me last week. I’m not liking it
much. What are you going to do now? Want me to put a word in with my boss to get you hired on.
Maxine shakes her head.
MAXINE
I liked my job at the post office. The post master said not to bother applying for another government job. They all require signing a loyalty oath.
RENEE
Really? I wonder why that is?
MAXINE
New government policy. I worked hard to get that job. My goal was to learn all I could so I could move up to post mistress when Mr. Pickens retires in two years. I’m already more competent and much smarter.
RENEE
I’d like a job where I could charm the public and flirt with the cute men. You don’t have to push people into buying stamps like I do dresses? I hate sales.
MAXINE
Why don’t you go to secretarial or business school like I did. Learn short hand and typing, be a secretary to some rich lawyer. Secretaries always dress up and wear heels, but they get to sit a lot too.
Maxine stretches out her long legs and looks up at the sky. Renee looks thoughtful.
RENEE
I don’t think that would work. I hated typing in high school. I might like to work at a post office. It’s steady work.
Maxine eyes her friend with suspicion.
MAXINE
I can’t picture you wearing the same uniform as everyone else.
RENEE
I could dress it up. Undo the top buttons.
Renee sits up tall and pokes out her breasts and giggles. Maxine smiles.
MAXINE
You’ve not changed much.
RENEE
Neither have you. You’ve got the skills, why don’t you look for an office job? Of course you’d need to be open and friendly with people, flirt with the men, compliment the women’s outfits.
MAXINE
You know that I have a hard time with that. I’ve been keeping secrets ever since I can remember. If I get too friendly, people ask questions I don’t want to answer. You are my first and only friend from when we moved to Russellton.
RENEE
I remember when we yodeled at each other on your farm and finally met in that hidden valley.
MAXINE
Neither of our family’s had much back then. At least we had a hand pump from the spring. You had to carry your water uphill.
RENEE
Yep, thirty-two buckets to fill our washer and do the laundry.
Renee flexes her biceps.
RENEE
I still got them. I remember you helping me and my sister carry water so we could visit.
MAXINE
When my family moved up the hill to the main road, you would yammer beside me as I mowed the lawn. How many times we’d walk to town together? I remember you spending many a night at my house to avoid your father.
RENEE
Your parents always treated me nice. Your Pap would pay us both to pull weeds so we could buy ride tickets for the school picnic.
MAXINE
They let me to share my graduation party with you. Gosh, we were close then, like sisters.
Renee squints sidewise at Maxine.
RENEE
I admit to being a bit jealous of you. You had the parents I always wished I had. They were so good to me, included me in trips to the camp up river. What fun we had.
MAXINE
When our family hid out on the farm, I would go to school but afraid to talk to anyone. Afterwards, I walked home by myself instead of taking the bus. In the valley you accepted me despite me not inviting you to my house.
RENEE
When you moved up the hill, you invited me.
MAXINE
When we came out of hiding. I always appreciated you keeping my family’s secret for so many years.
Renee’s expression changes to something more serious.
RENEE
I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your parent’s argument. Didn’t really understand what I heard.
MAXINE
I know. But, you learned our secret. You swore on your grandmother’s grave, you would never tell and hurt my family. It was too soon after Stalin died. His agents might have still been looking for them, to kill my father and my brother.
RENEE
You never told me that part. They should be safe now, right?
Renee crosses her arms across her chest and looks down at her feet making circles in the dirt.
MAXINE
I knew I could trust you with my secret. My parents let you live with us for a time after your father molested you, treated you like family. You made me promise not to tell them reason.
Tears flow from Renee’s eyes at the memory.
RENEE
I love your parents, Maxine, more than I ever did my own. My mother knew about it and looked the other way. The best day in my life was when that drunken bastard father of mine got hit by a coaltrain.
Maxine’s eyes water again. She fights for control of her emotions.
MAXINE
I lived in fear every day that my father and brother would be killed. We gave up our life in New Jersey, our pretty house on the lake, friends, and all we owned to hide on that beat up farm. I always looked over my shoulder when some one followed me. My father took menial odd jobs to keep us afloat. My brother took on a new identity to keep his job. He even signed a loyalty oath so not to lose it. He was never a Communist and neither am I. We can’t help who our father once was. It’s not fair.
RENEE
You never told anyone about my father did you?
MAXINE
And I never would. Last night the FBI took my dad in for questioning. They arrested my brother for espionage. Outside of my family, you were the only one who knew about my father.
Why Renee?
Renee shudders her voice soft through her tears.
RENEE
I only implied that YOU had a Red connection to get you fired so I could apply for your job. I never meant to hurt your family.
Maxine’s body stiffens as she struggles to fight off the impulse to deck Renee.
MAXINE
You broke your promise to get my job?
RENEE
Yes. I knew you could find a better one. You always end up the better one.
MAXINE
Who all did you tell?
RENEE
Only my boyfriend.
MAXINE
Your married boss at the department store, Mr. Feely? Your secret affair?
RENEE
Yes, I slipped. He pulled the rest out of me.
Maxine grabs Renee’s shoulders and shakes her with fury. She lets go, hugs her, and then pushes away.
RENEE
(Crying)
I’m sorry Maxine, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Please.
Maxine looks at her with pity.
MAXINE
Enjoy your job at the post office. You secret is safe with me but we are no longer friends. Friends don’t betray friends.
RENEE
You can tell on me if you want. Call it payback.
Maxine squints at Renee. She waits until a passerby gets out of earshot, her voice lowers.
MAXINE
You want me to tell about the affair between you and your boss? He and his wife have three children.
RENEE
Teenagers, one in college and two in high school. I give you permission to tell. I’m quitting at the department store anyway.
Maxine studies her with suspicion. Renee squirms and buries her head in her hands.
MAXINE
No, I don’t need revenge, fate will handle that. Why disturb his wife and kids.
Renee sits up straight and looks Maxine in the eye.
RENEE
I’m pregnant.
END OF SCENE
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Wow, this is a good one Rebecca. I love the end. Quite a revelation. The way you paced the gradual reveal of Maxine’s father’s background was effective. The aloofness of Maxine comes through for me mostly by her (Maxine’s) willingness to ‘walk away’ from the situation and showing how numb she’s gotten regarding her relationship with Renee. You could even underscore that by Maxine continuing her ever more aloof attitude by expanding on how she reacts to Renee’s revelation in the end — perhaps by not really caring. That said, I love the shock of the revelation at the end.
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Rebecca,
A great cliffhanger at the end! And a twist. I like how you developed the relationship, I got a good sense of how far back and deep these two go which made the betrayal even harsher. You also created a future. I love the period piece and the clothing. You nailed the character traits of prissy and devious for Renee. Great job, I really enjoyed it.
Carolyn
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Hi Rebecca, great work with your scene as Renee’s prissy and devious traits are constant throughout. Her subtext works well given she planned to takeover Maxine’s job at the post office; much planning on her part. Renee’s outgoing and conformist traits show through given the situation you presented. It’s clear Maxine is emotionally wounded and she’s a bit paranoid on how she lost her job, which builds on Renee’s subtext at being entitled at all costs. Your scene builds tension between the two friends as they remember their youth and how they became practically family. This tension rises to a point where Renee can no longer hide her plan to takeover Maxine’s place at the post office. During the exchange, the hooks used cause us to wonder how can anything tear these two apart given their history. The mystery is solved once Maxine finds out Renee’s betrayal, but later learns there were perhaps reasons for her actions. All this creates a future that will be much different from their childhood. I like your ending, as both Renee and Maxine grapple with a dilemma. Should Renee come out with her relationship with her boss or hide the identity of the baby’s father? Should Maxine help Renee with her new predicament or give payback for what was done to her? This all leads to an excellent cliffhanger! What will happen next? An uncomfortable moment for both Renee and Maxine for sure. Could the baby’s father be following Renee and Maxine during the walk in the park? Maybe he’s worried as hell (and rightfully so). How will Renee react if and when she sees him? You’ve got an interesting story here.
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Carol Paur’s Rewrite
What I learned is that you can always add more Interest Techniques, and it’s important to keep your character within his/her traits.
LOGLINE: THE PRINCIPAL LOSES HER JOB AT THE CATHOLIC SCHOOL WHEN IT’S DISCOVERED SHE’S A THIEF.
Essence: Vengeance has its paybacks.
Traits-Renee
– Prissy
– Devious (Changed to Pious)
– Outgoing
– Conformist
Subtext: Renee is a pious person who believes she is entitled to win at any cost.
TRAITS – MAXINE
– Tricky
– Snobbish
– Paranoid
– Emotionally Wounded
INT. ST. ALBERT SCHOOL – TEACHERS’ LOUNGE – DAY
RENEE (50s), dressed in high-end fashion more fitting for a NYC modeling agency than a Catholic school, opens the refrigerator and pulls out lunches, opens them up, and takes items out of them and puts them in a large brown bag. She puts some of the containers back but puts some in her brown bag as she continues going through lunches.
MAXINE, in her 30s, modestly dressed but stylish, enters. Renee slams shut the fridge door and goes to a table and sits.
Maxine pulls out air deodorizer and sprays the room.
RENEE
What are you doing?
MAXINE
This place always stinks.
RENEE
How can I eat my lunch with that rancid smell of lilies?
MAXINE
Better than the stench that was in here.
Maxine opens the fridge, finds a lunch container, and takes it to a table at a different end of the room.
Renee makes a public display of making the sign of the cross before opening the brown lunch bag.
RENEE
I see you haven’t registered for the employee picnic. It’s a great way to interact with your fellow teachers.
MAXINE
Since you-know-what happened, no one wants to be around me.
RENEE
You’re overreacting. Besides, this is a great way for others to see you in a different light.
Maxine has tuned her out as she looks in her lunch bag.
MAXINE
That’s strange. I packed a banana peanut butter sandwich, but it’s not here.
RENEE
(scoffs)
I’m not even sure my two dogs would eat that.
MAXINE
That sandwich cost me ten bucks. I finally shop at Whole Foods. Where do you shop, Renee?
RENEE
Is that why you don’t donate to our St. Albert’s fund?
MAXINE
I thought our contributions or lack of were kept in confidence just like other things around here.
RENEE
I am the principal. I have to do what’s best for the school.
FATHER HORACE, 60s, enters. He walks up to Renee.
RENEE
Father. Today is Tuesday. Wednesdays is your lunch with the teachers.
She looks at her watch.
RENEE
Strange, I wonder why there are no teachers in the lounge.
FATHER HORACE
Nice outfit, Renee.
She laughs, a small, timid laugh.
RENEE
Father, you don’t strike me as a man interested in women’s clothing.
MAXINE
Especially since he took the vow of poverty.
Renee looks at Maxine.
RENEE
Maxine, why are you the only teacher in the lounge?
FATHER HORACE
Where did you get the earrings, Renee?
Father points at Renee’s ears.
Renee grabs her ears.
RENEE
At the store, where else?
FATHER HORACE
How much did you pay for them?
RENEE
I didn’t think I needed a receipt!
FATHER HORACE
I got an anonymous tip that you help yourself to things that don’t belong to you.
Renee laughs.
RENEE
Father, really! I’m a principal of the Catholic school. What type of role model would that be for my students? Maybe we should focus on other people around here.
She gives Maxine a meaningful glare.
FATHER HORACE
Renee, I don’t think role models break the seventh and eight commandment.
RENEE
What?
FATHER HORACE
Stealing and spreading malicious gossip about one of your teachers.
RENEE
I was only trying to protect the school.
FATHER HORACE
By stealing lunches and besmirching your teachers? Pack up your stuff. Oh, wait, pack up the stuff you’ve probably stolen.
Maxine watches.
RENEE
What? I’m not going anywhere!
SECURITY enters.
FATHER HORACE
Check that bag.
Security takes Renee’s brown bag and opens it.
MAXINE
Check for a banana peanut butter sandwich.
He rifles through it and pulls out a wrapped sandwich.
SECURITY
Is this is?
MAXINE
Yes. I’ll take my earrings, too. As soon as they’re sanitized. Father, do you mind taking them off Renee?
Father reaches, but Renee slaps his arm.
RENEE
I’ll do it myself. They were just on the window sill.
MAXINE
In my classroom, next to my bag, which is missing its wallet.
FATHER HORACE
Come on, Renee. We’re driving you to the station. We didn’t want the police in front of the school.
Renee looks at Maxine as she leaves the break room.
RENEE
I suppose you’re going to be the new principal?
MAXINE
You have more things to worry about than who is leading this school.
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Hi Carol,
Good use of dialog and action to get in the traits. I also liked the pacing. You have a great opportunity here to add more subtext between Maxine and Renee. Maxine showed her distaste for Renee but not the connection between the two that would cause Maxine’s wound. Perhaps they were friends but Renee took advantage and started untrue gossip about Maxine to cover up her own misdeeds. Some of Father Horace’s dialog might have worked better coming from Maxine in her verbal exchange with Renee and through facial expressions and other body language. Adding a few more interest techniques could also up the drama and lead us eagerly into the next scene. An few things to ponder for an even greater rewrite.
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Thank you!
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Hi Carol, you have an interesting undeclared competition between two women who essentially plot against each other. Excellent job at establishing conflict between Renee and Maxine who probably have been disliking one another for a while. Renee is prissy in how she handles the lunches and her outgoing and conformist traits are consistent with the conflict in the scene. I wanted to experience more of her pious trait and how it influenced her to win at all costs. Maybe she references a Bible verse. Or, leads a prayer session in the lounge displaying her connection to her faith. Maxine shows her snobbish trait early and establishes the tone for the scene creating immediate conflict. There is good use with the interest techniques as the tension between Renee and Maxine creates a future of “hostility” and the hooks revealed in their exchange have us wonder how will this “combative” relationship end? And Renee, Maxine and Father Horace are placed in an uncomfortable moment as Renee is escorted to the police station. I think Father Horace and Maxine are faced with a dilemma as both will struggle at keeping Renee’s predicament hidden from the public, which leads to the great cliffhanger! What will happen to Renee? Me and the Man upstairs would like to know as our attention was captured.
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Thank you!
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Carol,
OMG! The audacity of a school principal stealing food out of lunch bags in the faculty room is beyond the pale! She got what she deserved. I mean, Catholic schoolteachers make no money. I know, I used to be one. I DO know about the weird smell. Truth. (Going for snobbish trait I think, but I really could relate.)
I loved your scene. Right away we get how entitled Renee feels. The disparity between her dress and her job, her klepto ways, she really doesn’t belong in this environment. I could see her subtext throughout. You do a good job setting up Maxine’s subtext. She has already contacted the padre and schemes to be witness to Renee’s takedown.
I’d love to see more piousness from Renee. What a fun trait to play with. Maybe falling to her knees in prayer as the security team drags her away, or fingering a rosary while she takes a bite out of that peanut butter and banana sandwich. Good job!
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Carolyn,
I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Thanks!
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Renee,
Good job portraying these two women and letting the story unfold. However, I felt the pacing was a bit slow, and I was looking for more Interest Techniques. I also felt that Maxine’s outburst at the beginning didn’t seem to fit her personality. Granted, I’m guessing you were trying to build in a hook, but as I read the scene, Maxine seemed too calm for that. In fact, for a while I thought it was Renee. I had to go back and re-read that. It ended up being very interesting in the end. A bit of a cliff hanger. Thanks for sharing.
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Carolyn’s QE #4 Second Draft for feedback exchange
Logline: Maxine wants to bribe Renee in order to keep her quiet about her affair, but Renee wants more than Maxine is willing to give.
Essence: Juicy secrets are hard to keep.
Trait I changed: Renee – conformist to jealousy
INT. SITTING ROOM – DAY
Two attractive and well-put together women in their 40’s drink tea in front of a big picture window with an expansive view. They are MAXINE and RENEE. Through the window they don’t notice a tiny golf cart stop in the distance. A man steps out and walks toward them holding a golf club.
MAX –
Renee, I was delighted with your speech at the women’s auxiliary club last weekend. You would make an excellent emcee for the fashion show on Saturday.
REN –
Oh that’s so kind of you to say, Maxine! I do love giving speeches and I suppose I always had a tiny craving for the limelight. But aren’t you the emcee for the fashion show?
MAX –
It’s a plum position, emcee of the Riverdale fashion show. I’ve held it for years. People say no one is better with off-the-cuff fashion quips, you know that’s what they say. I’m getting a little bored of it. Perhaps it’s time to pass the baton.
REN –
Oh I can talk to anybody anywhere. Did you know that one afternoon I met the entire Ladies Iron and Wedge Club at Helmsted Golf Emporium over on route 8? Do you know it?
MAX –
(makes a face)
Hardly. You don’t really go there do you? Whatever for? You have Riverdale! We’re the most exclusive club in the entire lower half of the state!
REN –
(embarrassed)
‘Course not! Can you believe I got a flat tire just outside the place and asked for a cold iced tea which they did have and I got introduced to everyone! While sipping a delicious iced tea!
Maxine smiles weakly.
MAX –
Did they at least use fresh lemon wedge?
REN –
(laughs nervously, looks around)
You sure have a nice house, Maxine. (eyes a portrait of Maxine and her husband) Dale is a handsome man. I wish my husband took such good care of himself. I do indeed.
MAX –
Shall I email the details later today about the fashion show?
REN –
Oh that’s wonderful! I’d love it!
(suddenly gets serious) But that’s not all I want.
MAX –
(caught off guard)
Pardon?
REN –
(places the delicate tea cup on the table, leans toward Maxine and whispers)
Remember our little secret?
Maxine grimaces.
REN (CONT) –
Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. For now.
MAX-
(stands, looks down at Renee)
If you tell anyone what you saw – what you “think” you saw, I’ll be ruined. My children’s lives will be ruined. Riverdale will – oh, I can’t even think about it.
Maxine throws herself dramatically onto a chaise lounge.
MAX (CONT) –
And the house. What will happen to the house?
REN –
Mm. Would be a shame to lose it all. But then again, I would never risk all of this. You have everything I ever wanted. Including a gorgeous husband.
MAX –
I never would have. If he hadn’t cheated on me first!
(breaks into tears)
How could he?
REN –
The thing is. I hate bugs. I hate dirt. I hate plants. Yet someone put me on the garden and grounds committee.
Maxine blows her nose.
REN (CONT) –
I’m more of an indoor gal… I want the Christmas committee. Even co-chair of the holiday party this year.
MAX –
I co-chair the holiday party with my sister. One of us would have to step aside!
Renee spots the man with the golf club approaching. It’s DALE. Her eyes grow big.
REN –
You know Germaine, the cashier in the pro shop?
MAX –
The one who always has the tiny golf pencils behind her ears? Gross.
REN –
(talks rapidly while watching Dale get closer and closer)
We were talking and your young hunk Lars walks in and I must have let it slip about seeing you both in the pool house because I was talking about the lack of towels in there and I turned to Lars and said, remember when I found you and Maxine in the pool house half-naked? Because I walked in looking for towels and there weren’t any?
Renee looks beyond Maxine, smiles and gives a tiny wave. Maxine turns and sees Dale outside the window, the golf club in his hand.
DALE
(shouts through the glass)
You cheated on me with the fucking golf pro?
Maxine, aghast, tries to speak and fails.
Renee sips her tea, covering her smirk, her pinky finger in the air.
RENEE
Course, I can always lie and say I was with you and Lars the whole time! What, we were all half naked with just our swimsuits on. It’s a simple misunderstanding. All you have to do is make me co-chair of the holiday party.
DALE –
Maxine! Answer me!
MAX –
(to Renee)
Maybe you’re better suited at the Helmsted Golf Emporium than up here with us at Riverdale. I am on the membership review committee, you know.
Dale swings the club and SMASHES the window. Shrieking and flailing her arms, Renee runs. Maxine goes in the opposite direction and they meet behind the couch, crouching in fear.
Maxine and Renee look at one another.
MAX –
Well? What’ll it be?
REN –
You tell me.
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Below are my comments in italics to Carolyn Bliesener’s excellent QE #4 Second Draft for feedback exchange. The author hits all the character traits and interest techniques:
Logline: Maxine wants to bribe Renee in order to keep her quiet about her affair, but Renee wants more than Maxine is willing to give.
Essence: Juicy secrets are hard to keep.
RENEE Traits
– Prissy
– Devious
– Outgoing
– <s>Conformist</s> changed to jealousy
Subtext: Renee is devious. She believes she’s entitled to win at any cost.
MAXINE Traits
– Tricky
– Snobbish
– Paranoid
– Emotionally Wounded
Subtext: Maxine is a tricky woman who plots to get what she wants.
Trait Carolyn changed: Renee – conformist to jealousy
INT. SITTING ROOM – DAY
Two attractive and well-put together women in their 40’s drink tea in front of a big picture window with an expansive view. They are MAXINE and RENEE. Through the window they don’t notice a tiny golf cart stop in the distance. A man steps out and walks toward them holding a golf club. Mystery. Intrigue
MAX –
Renee, I was delighted with your speech at the women’s auxiliary club last weekend. You would make an excellent emcee for the fashion Saturday show. Tricky
REN –
Oh that’s so kind of you to say, Maxine! I do love giving speeches and I suppose I always had a tiny craving for the limelight. But aren’t you the emcee for the fashion show? Hints at what she wants
MAX –
It’s a plum position, emcee of the Riverdale fashion show. I’ve held it for years. People say no one’s better with off-the-cuff fashion quips, you know that’s what they say. I’m getting bored with it. Perhaps it’s time to pass the baton. Tricky
REN –
Oh I can talk to anybody anywhere. Did you know that one afternoon I met the entire Ladies Iron and Wedge Club at Helmsted Golf Emporium over on route 8? Do you know it? Outgoing
MAX –
(makes a face)
Hardly. You don’t really go there do you? Whatever for? You have Riverdale! We’re the most exclusive club in the entire lower half of the state! Snobbish
REN –
(embarrassed)
‘Course not! Can you believe I got a flat tire just outside the place and asked for a cold iced tea which they did have and I got introduced to everyone! While sipping a delicious iced tea! Outgoing
Maxine smiles weakly.
MAX –
Did they at least use fresh lemon wedge? Snobbish
REN –
(laughs nervously, looks around)
You sure have a nice house, Maxine. (eyes a portrait of Maxine and her husband) Dale is a handsome man. I wish my husband took such good care of himself. I do indeed. Jealous
MAX –
Shall I email the details later today about the fashion show? Tricky
REN –
Oh that’s wonderful! I’d love it!
(suddenly gets serious) But that’s not all I want. Entitled to win. Character changes radically. Major Twist
MAX –
(caught off guard)
Pardon? Intrigue
REN –
(places the delicate tea cup on the table, leans toward Maxine and whispers)
Remember our little secret? Betrayal Plots to get what she wants.
Maxine grimaces. Emotionally Wounded.
REN (CONT) –
Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. For now. Devious
MAX-
(stands, looks down at Renee)
If you tell anyone what you saw – what you “think” you saw, I’ll be ruined. My children’s lives will be ruined. Riverdale will – oh, I can’t even think about it. Prediction. Emotionally wounded. Anticipatory dialogue. Creating a Future
Maxine throws herself dramatically onto a chaise lounge. Emotionally Wounded
MAX (CONT) –
And the house. What will happen to the house? Paranoid
REN –
Mm. Would be a shame to lose it all. But then again, I would never risk all of this. You have everything I ever wanted. Including a gorgeous husband. Devious
MAX –
I never would have. If he hadn’t cheated on me first!
(breaks into tears)
How could he? Betrayal – Emotionally Wounded
REN –
The thing is. I hate bugs. I hate dirt. I hate plants. Yet someone put me on the garden and grounds committee. Prissy
Maxine blows her nose.
REN (CONT) –
I’m more of an indoor gal… I want the Christmas committee. Even co-chair of the holiday party this year. Entitled to win at any cost
MAX –
I co-chair the holiday party with my sister. One of us would have to step aside! Emotionally wounded
Renee spots the man with the golf club approaching. It’s DALE. Her eyes grow big. Mystery
REN –
You know Germaine, the cashier in the pro shop?
MAX –
The one who always has the tiny golf pencils behind her ears? Gross. Snobbish
REN –
(talks rapidly while watching Dale get closer and closer)
We were talking and your young hunk Lars walks in and I must have let it slip about seeing you both in the pool house because I was talking about the lack of towels in there and I turned to Lars and said, remember when I found you and Maxine in the pool house half-naked? Because I walked in looking for towels and there weren’t any?
Renee looks beyond Maxine, smiles and gives a tiny wave. Maxine turns and sees Dale outside the window, the golf club in his hand. Devious
DALE
(shouts through the glass)
You cheated on me with the fucking golf pro? Betrayal. Uncomfortable Moment
Maxine, aghast, tries to speak and fails. Emotionally wounded
Renee sips her tea, covering her smirk, her pinky finger in the air.
RENEE
Course, I can always lie and say I was with you and Lars the whole time! What, we were all half naked with just our swimsuits on. It’s a simple misunderstanding. All you have to do is make me co-chair of the holiday party. Devious
DALE –
Maxine! Answer me! Uncertainty. Anticipatory dialogue
MAX –
(to Renee)
Maybe you’re better suited at the Helmsted Golf Emporium than up here with us at Riverdale. I am on the membership review committee, you know.
Dale swings the club and SMASHES the window. Shrieking and flailing her arms, Renee runs. Prissy Maxine goes in the opposite direction and they meet behind the couch, crouching in fear.
Maxine and Renee look at one another.
MAX –
Well? What’ll it be? Dilemma
REN –
You tell me. Cliffhanger
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